July 16th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #685 (7-14-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

(I want to thank my non-Catholic, Jewish cousin, who is a pissed off  doctor in Santa Barbara for the following):

 

Frisking Nuns… WTF?

The insanity marches on.

We don’t want to insult a hijab clad Muslim woman by a search,

but it’s OK to search a nun. Yep, makes sense to me!

You can’t make this stuff up! Airport security (Detroit Metro Concourse A).

A Catholic nun being frisked by a  Muslim security agent!    Excuse me?

Did you say a MUSLIM security agent Screening for suspected terrorists?

Political Correctness is out of control.  Please pass this all around the USA and CANADA!

 

PROD Clamps down

The People’s Republic of Davis (PROD), where student’s decide who has the right to free speech, and is a bunch that wants to become a Sanctuary city, now has the answer to the city’s health concerns. The city council in its wisdom apparently wants to place a soft drink Tax of 1 cent… thinking it  will curb health problems?  and BTW bring up to a million bucks a year to the city…Oh, you Proud PROD lovers…

 

Abstain? Abstain?

From the email bag… “Ted I watched the most recent council meeting on T.V. and I saw a council member “abstain.”  My first question is, “Is that legal?” (Yes it is). My second question is why would this council member tell the world the issue is a hot one and people are not going to like the way he would vote one way or the other and then punk out? (Can’t answer that one). Then why would the council member, you notice I’m not calling him a councilman… but a member, take council time to whine on live T.V. the other councilmen don’t like him? (Can’t answer that one either, ask him.)

He reminds me of baby huey sans any Cajones. Can someone tell l him this isn’t high school student council and remind him the taxpayers are paying him to do his homework, man up (if he can) and vote on each and every issue without worrying about who will and won’t like him afterwards…?  (I think you just did) This council member has been an embarrassment to himself and those who voted for him from almost his first meeting. He needs to quit being a kid and start trying to be an adult, and quit crying in public about being abused and disliked… Everything that happens to him in in reaction to his own actions. I’m sure the people of “his” “District” have all second guessed their vote and if they had it to do over would make another choice.

            Unfortunately you current councilmen and the public are saddled with him for then next three and on-half years unless the pressure of having to make adult decisions wears him out…Good luck and patience to the current councilmen running our city council…  I do not envy you.”

A perplexed Dixon  Voter

Thanks for taking the time to write…

 

 

Life from the seat of a tractor… by our good friend Larry Lockwood of Proctor Oklahoma! An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by… 

 

The last quote fits everyone…   

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.” 

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

“Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously , care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

 “Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.  

And, finally… 

 

More Things for Thought

 

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool this week.  It’s hot…call me.  I will learn to love you.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once……going twice…..

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m seductively moving my head around……trying to determine if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty.

I give up!  I’ve been working 25/7 trying to come up with a daylight savings joke!

It has been brought to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of the cupcake…..that is essentially the peel. Know your foods, people!

Kids gave me a meat thermometer for Father’s Day and said they hope it works well…….hell; I hope it works medium and rare, too.

I used to mix metaphors all the time…….but that ship has flown.

You’re not really a grandparent until you’ve wished the grandkids sports team does crappy in a tournament…….so you can go home early.

A Job:  something you do so you can afford to buy three avocados at one time at Whole Foods.

This neighborhood we live in has an awesome “neighborhood watch”……the problem is deciding who gets to wear it.

I may not be the handiest guy around the house but I know one thing for certain……the smoke detector battery will never go bad during the day.

OK, first off, who is this infamous “we” in “we need to go on a diet”…and even more importantly why is there salad on my plate where there should be food?

My brother is a treasure……….you’ll need a map and a shovel to find him.

Some day “bitches ain’t shit” by dr. dre will be playing and an elderly couple on the dance floor will turn to each other, smile, and say “they’re playing our song!”

My new personal trainer, in an attempt to get me in the best possible shape, told me to have a protein shake every night at 11PM……but that’s whey past my bedtime.

Most of the Hispanics here in town aren’t offended by taco jokes or siesta jokes.  But immigration jokes…they cross the line.

If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba hook-up and have a kid…….will he be an ice-cube?

The real miracle is that the human race still exists…….after being stupid enough to kill the only man known to be able to change water into wine.

I like to play fetch with the damn cat……which is just basically me throwing stuff followed by disappointment.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the entire office……even though the KFC employees can clearly see me scarfing down the entire bucket while still in the parking lot.

Never underestimate an underachiever………we’re capable of much less than you think.

War and Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad…..rather it was written to be carried around in hardbound to impress people.

I haven’t worn corduroy since the time I almost died in a fire…….chasing the ice cream man down the street.

In order to get the boys up and dressed in time for church one time I told them we were going to Disneyland…..they were just so surprised!

Crowds hated it……but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO”!

Genetics are weird…….only one of my kids inherited my hair color but all of them seemed to get my inability to put shit away and fully close the drawer.

A lonely rooster sees a neon flashing sign announcing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS and walks into Popeye’s…….then cringes in horror and drops his dollar bills.

Not now please..I’m sleeping.

I got called “pretty” today.  Actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty dumb”…..but I’m only focusing on positive things today.

The difference between your wife and your Netflix account is that, over time, your Netflix account will learn what you like.

 

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July 9th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #684 (7-7-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

Don’t forget the  dinner

Don’t forget tonight  the Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club. We’ll be at the door to welcome you!

 

 

Each year since we (the city of Dixon) legalized the sale and use of fireworks locally the naysayers have predicted tragedy, fires and major injuries. After selling fire works for a couple of days just before , and on the fourth each year we’ve driven around town to see how our efforts went up in smoke… and you know what? It’s been really neat to see about every court in the city with family and friends, hoses and buckets of sand, people setting off the safe and sane fireworks we sold. We can identify many of them at a distance and it gives you kind of a warm feeling (or maybe it’s just we haven’t cooled down from being in a plywood box loaded with gun powder in 100 degree weather for 12 or so hours.) to see the 4th celebrated with the get-togethers, with food and friends where families, an many times whole streets or courts, have their own celebration of our nation’s birth… the way it should be! Bad things are bound to happen because you can’t cure stupid.

Hope you had a safe and memorable holiday and thank you for supporting your own special, local, non-profit organizations by purchasing your fireworks in the following locations:

Soroptimist of Dixon had the booth at Walmart,  Dixon High Cross Country had the booth at CVS, or the Dixon Historical Society had the booth at the old George’s Orange,

American Legion Ladies Auxiliary had the booth at Safeway

This Safeway booth has been the most productive in the city each year when proceeds are totaled up. This is for a couple of reasons: Location, location, location… Then it is run and managed correctly by Patti Coppes, stays open each available hour and usually has the biggest assortment of the hard to find items. This booth splits up its proceeds with veteran’s causes and Dixon Toys for Tots/community Christmas programs… which is why you saw Linda and I, and our TFT’s folks there all day on the 3rd and the morning shift on the 4th.

 

The Toys For Tots/ Community Christmas Programs Board again set a one day record selling over $12,000 on July 3rd alone and another couple of thousand in the morning of July 4th. Thanks to all of you who chose to support: Vets, kids and seniors by buying your fireworks through us at Safeway’s booth. Our 1/7th share of the total profits will start off the Christmas programs fund raising year with a bang, so to speak.

The effort this year took about 13 volunteers 17 hours over one and one-third days on the 3rd and 4th. to set a one-day sales record. The photos below show the outside of the booth, the inside and part of the Dixon TFT’s board who are: Left to right, Laura Gotch, Arlene Jimenez, Pam Murdock, Linda Hickman, Fred Vanderwold and his son, Craig. Caught between shifts and not in the photo are: Chelsi Johnson, Tanace Hatchel, Amanda Gotch, Linda Vanderwold, Shane and Missy Nichols, Randy and Patti Aguirre who gave up their holiday time for the cause that will allow them to spend many more hours of their family time come Nov./ December when the community Christmas programs swing into operation.

This was the first year in many where the temptures didn’t soar above 100.

The first and second photos show the outside and inside of the booth… The last photo shows a small part of Sierra Drive where about 50 people watched on both sides of the street as they put on their own fireworks show in the middle of the street with the “safe and sane” ones sold by our group.

 

 

 

 

More Things for thought!

The best part of an argument is the makeup sex……unless you’re fighting with your brother.

 

A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar……everyone else leaves.

 

my boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”……especially ‘cuz his name is Craig.

 

today i met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

 

this salad tastes like i’d rather be fat!

 

somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life……but it’s not me.  i think you’re a fool.

 

why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”?…….why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

 

one of the lights in my bathroom is out……i look at least 10 years younger.

 

if i had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “dad, you’re not funny!” i could buy a house at the beach……and live alone.

 

sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…….this is rarely a good thing.

 

don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.  my personality is who i am……my attitude depends on who you are.

 

if someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately……you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

my father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

 

the neighbors loved the music so much once i turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

 

if God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

 

if you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax…..just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

 

i just ate what i thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt……..turns out it was deodorant.  and how is your day going? 

 

my wife looks for signs i’m cheating……but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

 

i hate it when people ask me where i see myself 5 years from now when i can’t even remember where the hell i was 2 days ago. 

 

if Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other….so it actually was a happy ending. 

 

those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear…….red, or white?

 

there are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but i could never string enough of them together to properly express how much i’d like to hit you with a chair.

 

apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  what is wrong with people?……..have they never had pizza?

 

i just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring……bad analogy.

 

the neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday…….she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

 

i was teasing my grandaughter and said “when i grow up i’m going to be an astronaut.”……..she replied, “you’re already grown up.  you’ll be dead soon.”

 

a new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs…….now i have to worry about testing positive for m&m’s.

the first time i went to vegas i was asked to leave the casino……i misunderstood what the crap table was for.  

 

a friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head…..that’s nothing.  husbands sometimes go for years.

i have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…….their head is safely protected by their ass cheeks.

 

 

####

 

Dixon City Council 2017

 

Your Dixon City Council: Left to right , Vice Mayor, Scott Pederson, Devon Minnema, Junior member,Ted Hickman, senior member, Mayor Thom Bogue and councilmember Steve Bird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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July 2nd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #683 (6-30-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com For 682 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #683 (6-30-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For 682 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Ca. Bow season for deer starts soon…

Dixon, CA.  As the City of Dixon prepares for the upcoming July Fourth Holiday, the Dixon Fire Department wants to remind citizens and visitors to use their fireworks in a safe and sane manner.

The Fire Department also wants to remind people that safe and sane fireworks have only been legalized for sale and use in the City limits.  Any use of any fireworks is illegal outside of the City limits. Any fireworks that do not have the Fire Marshal seal of approval, or any fireworks that leave the ground or explode, are dangerous and illegal.

Safe and sane fireworks can be dangerous if misused or altered from their original form.  Every year there are documented cases of injuries and fires started by the use of safe and sane fireworks.

The Fire Department encourages citizens to prepare and celebrate safely; only adults should use fireworks and they should have a hose or bucket of water ready to cool off the used fireworks; make sure children are supervised at all times; be cautious when in the street; never throw fireworks in the air.  Additionally, you should not use fireworks in or near dry vegetation, or near any buildings… or outside the city limits.  Report all emergencies by calling 9-1-1.

Each year since we (the city of Dixon) legalized the sale and use of fireworks locally the naysayers have predicted tragedy, fires and major injuries. After selling fire works for a couple of days just before , and on the fourth each year we’ve driven around town to see how our efforts went up in smoke… and you know what? It’s been really neat to see about every court in the city with family and friends, hoses and buckets of sand, people setting off the safe and sane fireworks we sold. We can identify many of them at a distance and it gives you kind of a warm feeling (or maybe it’s just we haven’t cooled down from being in a plywood box loaded with gun powder in 100 degree weather for 12 or so hours.) to see the 4th celebrated with the get-togethers, with food and friends where families, an many times whole streets or courts, have their own celebration of our nation’s birth… the way it should be!

Have a safe and memorable holiday and please support your own special, local, non-profit organizations by purchasing your fireworks in the following locations:

Fireworks injuries…

Soroptimist of Dixon has the booth at Walmart,   at 235 E. Dorset Dr.

Dixon High Cross Country has the booth at CVS, 1057 N. First St.

Dixon Historical Society has the booth at the old George’s Orange, 2635 West A St.

American Legion Ladies Auxiliary has the booth at Safeway, 1235 Stratford Ave…

 

This Safeway booth has been the most productive in the city each year when proceeds are totaled up. This is for a couple of reasons: Location, location, location… Then it is run and managed correctly by Patti Coppes, stays open each available hour and usually has the biggest assortment of the hard to find items. This booth splits up its proceeds with veteran’s causes and Dixon Toys for Tots/community Christmas programs… which is why you will see Linda and I, and our TFT’s folks there all day on the 3rd and the morning shift on the 4th. Stop by and say hi, maybe buy some stuff for the kids and we’ll treat you to a cold non- alcoholic one. Can’t have people under 18 or alcohol, and can’t sell to anyone under 18.

By the city ordinance the hours of operation for all booths are: June 28: Noon to 10 pm.June 29 through the 4th:  9 am to 10 pm.

The use and/or possession of all legal fireworks are restricted to the period of June28 thru July 6th from noon to 11 pm each day.

Oh yeah, for all illegal fireworks report the yahoos immediately by calling 678-7082. There is kind of a special task force this year, here and statewide to catch these dangerous folks. Do your part to get them busted… just call and report them each time they rattle your windows, wake the baby, scare the crap out of your dog or just piss you ofF.

 Don’t forget the  dinner July 7th


 

Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner July7, from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club. We’ll be at the door to welcome you!

Tickets are now on sale at $60 each and can be purchased at Bud’s Pub and Grill or by calling Ed Coffelt at 678-2777 or the game club’s number at 678-9155 and leaving a message about how many tickets you want. A game club member will return your call and get your tickets for you. Tickets can also be purchased from any game club member. Seating is limited and only advanced sales are available for this event which usually sells out early.

Dixon City Council 2017

Really Good Thinking

 

*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

 

 *Modern warfare:  a $700 million plane drops a $1.5 million bomb on a $10.00 tent.

 

*I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!

*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment  …   now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

*Lord,  grant me the  strength  to accept the things I cannot change, the courage  to change  the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

* I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m very wise.

*My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

*The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

* I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

*When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

*I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

*Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

*Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

*At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

*I never know what to do with my arms when I’m running……..should I fold them?

*This is a problem.  I bought a collar with a bell on it for the damn cat… now I can’t sneak up on her to put it on.

 *Wonder why our kids are screwed up? According to Maxipad commercials…women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

*As a husband and father it troubles me that prisoners are given time in solitary confinement…I would gladly pay for some.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your outhole being able to perceive “spicy”.

 *My phone can hold 5000 songs… or one voice mail from the wife.

*I don’t eat breakfast in my underwear every morning, but when I do……….I used  to get escorted out of IHOP.

*When Kate Middleton went into labor do you think her OB/GYN said……..”I think the babies crowning!”

*If you suffer from both paranoia and procrastination…….is everyone out to get you, just not right now?

 *Instead of “once you go black you never go back” I prefer……”for that special occasion go Caucasian”.

*I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work… there’s just no way I can run that far.

 *If Kevin bacon never said to a lonely chick in a bar “want some bacon with your eggs?”… Life wouldn’t make sense anymore.

 *Not entirely sure what a “ppropriate” is……..but apparently I’m “in” it.

*The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called “acoustic” Qatar.

 *Oh migawd!  A turtle is coming to kill you…walk for your life!

 

*They were called jumpolines until my cousin got on one.

*Men think of arguments as single isolated events.  Women, in my experience, tend to think of them as installments… in some sort of perpetual continuum.

 *An optimist always thinks their one-third of the way towards having a threesome.

*The wife and I seem to play trivial pursuit continuously… she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

 *Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

*She left a note on the fridge “it’s not working.  Gone to my mom’s”… I opened it and got a beer, its cold, the damn thing’s working fine.

 *I can’t decide between “wish you were here” or “look behind you!”… Chiseled on my tombstone.

*Studies have shown that one in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is a homosexual… I hope it’s Dave, he’s really cute.  

*The neighbor’s dog has barked for the last three hours non-stop… now I know how the Koreans found out that dog make a tasty snack.  

 *According to my neighbor’s journal I have “boundary issues”.

*So this chick gets on the elevator and I ask her “going down?”… “no, she says, “but I’ve got time for a hug.”

 

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June 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com ( on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For 680 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

“Hands on” history lesson this Saturday

 

Pictured : Karissa Alarcon,left, a YOLO Frontloaders member from Dixon is seen instructing Linda Hickman,of Dixon, how to fire a thompson center black powder rifle ( circa 1840’s). In the other photo Linda’s granddaughter, Kaylee, is seen in the foreground (blue sweatshirt) firing a black powder rifle also.

 

                   

 

The “YOLO FRONTLOADERS” black powder muzzle loader club announced its annual one-day seminar this coming Saturday, June 17, which is held each year to educate the public on everything you always wanted to know about primitive weapons like the ones used in the civil war and by the frontiersmen in early American history up to and including the Alamo.

Seriously, The half day event is both educational and instructive with hands on opportunities to load and fire a black powder weapons and receive expert instructions on how throw things like hunting knives and tomahawks. The event brings American frontier history alive and explains just how difficult survival was in the early days of our country. Bring the kids and come out to the Yolo County airport and find the Yolo Sportsman shooting range and make the kids leave the cell phones at home and let them see history come alive and experience some of it first hand.

It is a family friendly event bringing history alive, in a hand on way, according to club President Rick Bello, of Dixon. You and your family can try your hand at frontiersman Tomahawk and knife throwing and actually shoot a black powder rifle, this Saturday, June 17, at the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, between Davis and Woodland, California

The event will be held this Saturday, June 17, from 9 a.m. to approximately 1:30 p.m. with a donation of $10 Adult / $8 Child under 12 (which Includes lunch and shoot) At the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, Woodland, California opportunity to:

For more info contact: Rick Bello, President, (707) 693-6914 Tom Kulka, Vice President, (707) 853-5263 Dave Leonard, Shoot Director, (916) 722-2337 Scott Bell, Treasurer, (916) 599-5520 http://yolofrontloaders.com/

 

 

 

NRA Dinner in Dixon

To be held July 7th

 

Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner July7, from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club.

Tickets are now on sale at $60 each and can be purchased at Bud’s Pub and Grill or by calling Ed Coffelt at 67-2777 or the game club’s number at 678-9155 and leaving a message about how many tickets you want. A game club member will return your call and get your tickets for you. Tickets can also be purchased from any game club member. Seating is limited and only advanced sales are made for the event which usually sells out early.

There will be live and silent auctions, raffles, games with special hunts and safari packages up for grabs. As usual many new firearms will be available in the games, auction and raffle.

 

This is priceless!

 

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “greenthing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

 More things for thought

 

*I’m thinking seriously about recreating the rose petal scene from American Beauty… only it’ll be me, naked, covered in Milky Way and Snickers wrappers.

*I used to dream of the day when my toddler could poop and the entire neighborhood wouldn’t have to hear him say he was done.

*There are more and more designer dogs being bred like the cavapools, labradoodles, and chugs… when is someone going to cross a bulldog with a shih tzu? And call it…..?

*No, autocorrect, the bride was not wearing a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble… although she can be devilish at times.

*My girlfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the “clap” emoji… but I’m just trying to tell her I have an STD.

*When my once father-in-law to be asked me how I was preparing for the future I told him I was binge buying Monopoly games… in anticipation of the time they might make Monopoly money legal tender.

*Just went to see the movie Failure to launch… it was a North Korean documentary.

*My 4-year old brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around and I told him, loudly, to stop hitting people with his Woody… another parenting error.

*People say that the actor Forest Whitaker has a lazy eye…. the other one, however, is a real go-getter.

When e-mails tell me to ‘act now’ I immediately begin reciting lines from Shakespeare.

*My grandson was watching a re-run of The Flintstones for the first time… “They made a show about vitamins? This is dumb!”

*Having children teaches you patience, heartbreak, humility, love…. and to never, ever be surprised when you find a Barbie doll clogging the toilet.

*I would imagine that if you’re really proficient in Morse code going to a tap-dancing recital would be extremely disconcerting.

*Does anyone else find it somewhat suspicious that Lassie always seems to be near when some unsuspecting child falls down a well?

*When asked who inspires me I responded “peter piper”.  When asked “what does he do?”… I replied, “It’s hard to say”.

*The lights were low as her finger traced a scar on my arm. “How did this happen?” she whispered…softly I replied, “are you familiar with scrapbooking?”

*Did anyone else return to their alma mater with their liberal arts degree and ask for a refund… “this did not work as promised!”

*It’s amazing how much you can get away with just wearing an orange vest and a hard hat… I’ve been leaning on a shovel in the women’s rest room for hours.

*The same friends who use to pressure me to do drugs and drink alcohol as a teen are now pressuring me to eat chia seeds and do CrossFit.

*Isn’t it crazy how some people consider swimming a sport…when the only alternative to it is drowning?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me kick the damn cat off an expensive area rug… before she pukes. 

*Substitute teaching in a first grade class was not at all like the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

*I led her to the bedroom and told her “this is where the magic happens”… then 4 rabbits jumped out of a hat as a flower squirted water in her eye.

*Missed opportunity:  she wanted classy…….I thot she said gassy.

*I’m sorry I misunderstood and passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips look very robust now… does that sting?

*Before you ask, yes, you can make cheese from moose milk… and no, I didn’t think she’d spook quite so easily either.

*I once lip-locked the soft ice-cream dispenser at the Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop…  so yes, I know a little about rejection.

*In bed I’m like the energizer bunny… no one’s paid any attention to me since 1997.

*One thing on my bucket list was to have an array of nude photographs taken exposing all my body contours in a tasteful fashion… the clerk at the DMV wasn’t very co-operative.

*My dog always seems so happy and energetic so I took her meds to see if they would help me… at least I won’t have any fleas or ticks this summer.   #

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June 10th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #679 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

 

 

He plays another Trump card!

POTUS Trump pulls us out of the  Paris accord, where about 200 other nations signed a meaningless, toothless piece of paper pledging to do stuff; but left the bulk of the doing and funding to and on U.S. Trump tells them to shove it, the democrats do their “woe is me the sky is falling … he will be the end of us all.” The next day: ‘World leaders vow to boost efforts on global warming with the USA telling them they need to draw up a new and better, worthless document and a way of accomplishing goals WORLDWIDE.’ Our president, and shrewd businessman, said he will renegotiate a new and better agreement, where our country may lead and join, but not be the whole program. Isn’t this better than old milquetoast promising the world, and offering lots of our money to appease all of the other nations… NOW they’ve decided to play ball on an even ball field…

Another headline you need to search to find!

The lead headline reads… “Job market looks solid after 8 years of recession ended.” Who do you supposed the media credits with this… Pres Putin?


Why democrats need Anonymous sources to surive…

There are a couple of left winged, radical democratic Trump haters, given a special space in the Vacaville reporter to whine about how unfair it is to be on the losing end of an election where they got handed, and not to gently, their walking papers. This is the same couple that, week after week, complain about our president’s distorted and deluded views of the world… not like their, “ save us all logic.” Now they are whining about the public’s demand for creditability of putting your name where your words are. They want complete freedom for the fake news readers, including them to be able to do and say anything, blaming it on non-existent sources covered by the term anonymous sources. Like I had one of those sources tell me, these people are zealots and want to stomp on both the first and second amendments, blaming it on a source within Putin’s government working closely with Trump’s cousin?

They jabber about good journalist, but wouldn’t know one if they met one, because they don’t even have a clue about balanced news or fair and equal coverage… but this is what you get when you are reading their slanted crapolla.

 

The moronic inbred leader of N. Korea threatens us with one of his non-fizzling missiles and what does your president do? He sends up one of ours in that area and blasts it out of the sky as an example. I think maybe Kim Dum Do Do might be re-thinking trying to Launch a new one our way, my guess, it won’t make it far off the ground and deliver its pay load to his own people… How cool would that be?

 

Vacaville and Solano to become Sanctuary city/county?

Yep, that’s the word on the streets… Unfrigging believeable! All Vacaville elected and Solano County ones too, apparently, read the words but didn’t understand the oath of office they took…  WTF folks? The liberal disease is spreading to our common sense folks… woe is us!

 

More things for thought

*My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot… so I came back drunk.

Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages…….we just want to let them out and play with them.

There’s a fine line between being a lovable wise ass and a jerk…….and I seem to find a way to cross it every day.

 

Who’s the guilty one?  A wife is dreaming in bed and wakes up suddenly and shouts. “Quick, my husband is home!”…..this awakens her husband who gets up and jumps out the window.

Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fired!

What do women say when they are actually fine?

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like some guy dragging his butt across the floor?

I took my granddaughter shopping for back-to-school supplies and asked the clerk “what’s a good school binder for my girl here?”  He said, “Trapper keeper?”……..uh, no, she’s my granddaughter.

Naming that space movie “gravity” makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic park something like “there’s no dinosaurs in this”…

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding…….I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

We’ve recently been selling a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash that promises to kill germs while it moisturizes at the same time……..such violence and nurturing from the same product.

Colin firth has a younger brother…….Colin the second.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes……..would you pick me up some beer on your way back?

I just sprayed ‘fruit scented febreze’ in my bathroom……now it smells like shitrus.

It’s good to know that if they ever release a lion in Wal-Mart you only have to run faster than the fat lady in the zebra-print pants.

Popeye teaches us a basic lesson……..the best reason to eat healthy is revenge.

When our cable service goes out I pretend my bed is a boat and play life of pi with the damn cat.

The next time I’m responsible for some horrible disaster that kills thousands of people I’m going to tell the judge I “work in mysterious ways”……just to see how far it gets me.

John 3:16, mark 3:17, Luke 3:18……..it was a really close race.

A friend of mine told me an onion was the only food that could make you cry…….that was just before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I’m telling my grandkids not to do drugs or alcohol, there’s a time and a place for everything…….it’s called college.

I hate it when I offer a friend a sincere, heartfelt compliment on their mustache……and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.

A study shows that public speaking is people’s number one fear while death is number two…….this means if you go to a funeral you’d be happier in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Life expectancy would be a great deal longer if vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it…….chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and econo2 out of 3 isn’t bad……unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

The best part of an argument is the makeup sex……unless you’re fighting with your brother.

A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar……everyone else leaves.

my boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”……especially ‘cuz his name is Craig.

Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat!

Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life……but it’s not me.  I think you’re a fool.

Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”? Why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

One of the lights in my bathroom is out……I look at least 10 years younger.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “dad, you’re not funny!” I could buy a house at the beach……and live alone.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…….this is rarely a good thing.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.  My personality is who I am……my attitude depends on who you are.

If someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately……you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

My father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

The neighbors loved the music so much once I turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

If God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

If you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax…..just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt……..turns out it was deodorant.  

And how is your day going? My wife looks for signs I’m cheating……but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself 5 years from now when I can’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago. 

If Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other….so it actually was a happy ending. Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear…….red, or white?There are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but I could never string enough of them together to properly express how much I’d like to hit you with a chair.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring……bad analogy.

The neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday…….she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I was teasing my granddaughter and said “when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.”……..she replied, “You’re already grown up.  You’ll be dead soon.”

A new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs…….now I have to worry about testing positive for moms.

The first time I went to Vegas I was asked to leave the casino……I misunderstood what the crap table was for.  

A friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head…..that’s nothing.  Husbands sometimes go for years.

I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…….their head is safely protected by their ass cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

THESE SIMPLE TRICKS REALLY WORK!!

 

I check éd the out on Scopes and the are for real!

 Amazing, simple home remedies:

  1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.
  4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

 and always remember –

 Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

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June 3rd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #678 (6-2-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

Now is the time to SELL!

If you have been thinking about selling your home or rental now, like today, is the time to do it. We are in that other side of the market where demand has exceeded supply and bang! You have a seller’s market. It won’t last forever but will last a while, but to get top dollar and a quick sale I would do it as schools let out, a normal prime time for home sales.

I/we, C-21 real Estate will be glad to help you and the company and its agents have buyers.  You can call the local office at 678-9211 or me on my cell phone at 707-372-7007 or Ted Seifert at 707-365-9597 and tell him I told you to call. It’s time to maximize your profits from a sale. We just sold one in Woodland for a Dixon couple for over $450,000 and had multiple offers in short order.

 

Dammit I’m Mad

is

Dammit I’m Mad spelled backwards!

I’m not trying to beat a dead horse…

… Like I said I’m not trying to beat a dead horse or anything BUT… The so called “news media just keeps keeping on with their slanted, biased crap they spew out daily. From the editorializing “new reporters” on every Sacramento TV station, down to the Vacaville Reporter… they just keep spewing crap.

Not one of the “news readers” even has a clue how to write and honest story… just watch and listens carefully. Journalism 1-A beats into students, “who, what, when, where and how and Why…” listen and read their stuff and you’ll see the essentials missing,  many times replaced with their stupid opinions.

Just this past week the conservative hating Reporter from cow town ran this headline for a story… “More records, barley, as stocks rise for 7th day (what a crock). Had it been the media puppet Obama still doing his thing it would have read stock market sets records seven days in a row… see what I mean? 

Every day, especially in broad cast news you have to listen carefully and consider the source. The brain damaged Pelosi and Feinstein get big time coverage saying stupid stuff and Trump is pot shotted daily; even hourly.

Do me a favor and watch and listen carefully for just a week and you’ll see what I’m saying is true I have a whole folder of examples, but you are smart enough, if you take the time, to see through this attempted brain washing of America by the few that control everything you see, hear and read. And the news readers who call themselves “reporters” should be ashamed but they have to make q living don’t they? It’s the golden rule personified… “He who has the gold rules…” The rest of us can fight for the crumbs of truth and dollars.

 

More things for thought


I sure hope Hell freezes over soon……..several women have promised me a lot of action as soon as that happens.

It was a really sad day when I discovered my universal remote control did not, in fact, control the universe…….not even remotely.

 

When a woman is attracted to a man she speaks in a higher pitch than normal……which explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Barry White.

 

A true gentleman is a man who can play the accordion… but doesn’t.

 

I only attended this wedding because it’s being officiated by the bishop…          I’ve always wanted to observe a person who only moves diagonally.

Always had the worst luck as a kid.  Jumped into a haystack… got a needle stuck in my ass!

Be decisive.  Right or wrong always make a decision…the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

HER:  “I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully”… PASTOR:  “and I understand the groom has also written his own vows.”

“It’s the small things that make me the happiest!”…….enthusiastic microbiologist.

Every time I put my debit card in the ATM I say a little prayer that some fool has accidentally transferred millions of dollars into my account……please! Somebody be that stupid! Please! 

Always remember every problem is an opportunity to create an even bigger debacle.

This day in history 2005:  Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses…….or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I pick up my dog’s poop with an empty Snicker’s wrappers……what I do with it after that is strictly on a ‘need to know’ basis.

Don’t half-ass anything……whatever you do always use your full ass.

There are two ways of arguing with a woman…….neither one of them works!  

If I ever offend you cry me a river, and I shall appear bringing snacks and a raft.  I will literally float down a river of your tears…….chewing beef jerky and working on my tan.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Thot I might do well competing on the American Ninja Warrior reality show………then I tripped over a throw rug and subsequently put that dream to bed.  

Been there, done that…….then been there several more times because apparently I never learn.

when you think about how huge the earth is…..and yet how it’s just a fraction of the size of the sun……which in turn is just a speck of dust in the overall universe…….it’s pretty easy to rationalize eating a whole pan of brownies.  

I’m not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower………or if he took one look at me naked and jumped willingly to his death.

 

You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat……..hoping to connect with a kid.

Were you aware that you can be asked to leave the gym if you use a laser pointer to highlight the areas people should work on? Well, you can.

What’s the hardest part of dating a blind girl…….getting her husband’s voice right?

I took some of these male enhancement pills in order to “be a better man”……..however, as of yet I’ve not noticed any significant improvement in earning ability, athleticism or parenting skills.

A giant rabbit died on an airline flight.  a short, bald man wearing a funny hat is being questioned……..but he’s being “very, vewy quiet”.

It was a three-way stand-off……..a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner and a dog with a loaf of bread.

Once, in everyone’s life, you come across that one special person…….that makes you think the prison food just might be worth it.

It’s a good thing that they specify uses for all of our brushes…….differentiating things like a toothbrush from a toilet brush and get very confusing.

In the midst of a very romantic kiss she asked in breathy whisper “do you want to take my shirt off?”……..and I replied, in a similar breathy whisper, “I’m not wearing your shirt!”

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May 27th 2017
that’s life©1966 #677 (5-26-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Why do you get off work or school on Monday?

 

Linda Hickman is seen at the Sacramento Valley NATIONAL Cemetery In rural Dixon by her father’s resting place, USF Major Ben Hgerman was among the first to be interned there Now the numbers have skyrocketed to about 20,000. If you have never been there take  the kids and go and  explain why they have the day off.

  1. Memorial Day

Holiday

Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering the people who died while serving in the country’s armed forces. The holiday, which is currently observed every year on the last Monday of May, originated as Decoration Day after the American Civil War in 1868, when the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of Union veterans founded in Decatur, Illinois, established it as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the Union war dead with flowers. By the 20th century, competing Union and Confederate holiday traditions, celebrated on different days, had merged, and Memorial Day eventually extended to honor all Americans who died while in the military service. It marks the start of the unofficial summer vacation season, while Labor Day marks its end Wikipedia..

Why do we get the day off?

  1. TO memorialize the brilliant silver-spon in- the mouth libertards graduating from college  that walked out on the Vice President of the United States as he gave the commencement Address. How proud their parents and the school must have been… hopefully all of the school’s donors will pull their contributions and the  horrible U.S. government will  pull all future  funding and grants .Then today can be a memorial for the school, the parents and their genetically deficient offspring  for their total  lack of manners and class
  2. Throw in the local bunch at Bezerley and a UC system that lets the inmates run the nut House…then you an have a memorial day for the death of common sense education in this country

More things forThought 

Sacramento Lawyers suck ; their TV ads are embarrassing.

I need a bumper sticker that says “my kid is smarter than you’re kid”… in an attempt to flush out the grammar nazis in the neighborhood.

  1. my wife said i’m way too immature and if i don’t hurry and grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us… tee hee hee, erect.
  2. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times………me with beer, me without beer.
  3. my son hunted for part of our family dinner tonite…..with steady nerves and a calm focus he tracked down the hot dog buns at the grocery store.
  4. Marla Maples has come out strongly in favor of border security…….she lost her job to an immigrant.
  5. the world health organization has stated that eating bacon greatly increases your chances of getting cancer…..statistics also show that not eating bacon greatly increases your chances for blowing yourself up.
  6. when i inevitably choke to death on gummy bears i hope people will just say i was killed by bears…..and leave it at that.
  7. if a gorilla shot an alligator with an AR-15 to save a muslim refugee child while their transgender parent was in the bathroom the internet would go silent as everyone struggled to figure out what side they’re supposed to be on.
  8. breaking news:  man in boxer shorts leads police on brief chase.
  9. how come zombies move really slowly….but everyone runs from them as fast as they can yet never seem to escape?
  10. i just got a call during dinner from an aggressive charity guy who said “little lucita has to walk 15 miles to the river to fetch clean water.  what do you think about that?”……..i said lucita’s family should move closer to the damn river.  
  11. not too brag, but i always go to the hottest cashier…….and she always checks me out.
  12. me:  in 1923 W.C.Fields said, “it ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to”…..the Starbucks kid said, “sir, i just need to write something on the cup!”
  13. i’m sure i can’t be the only one who worries about where spiders go in winter.
  14. apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on please draw them evenly” wasn’t the tip this waitress was expecting.
  15. instead of donating my body to science i’ve decided to donate it to whomever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
  16. sometimes i correctly spell a word that i fully expected to misspell…….then i’m forced to type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working properly.
  17. one of the largest proponents of inappropriate innuendo has died…….his family is taking it really hard.
  18. anteater kid:  mom, what’s for dinner?…….anteater mom:  don’t be a smartass, Brandon!
  19. spelling bee judge:  your word is ‘arson’……contestant:  could you use it in a sentence?……judge:  you’re not ‘arson’, you were adopted.
  20. does it get bigger?……..how to ruin a romantic interlude with only four words.
  21. there’s a woman sitting next to me on the bus reading her Bible……i’m fighting the urge to lean over and tell her He dies at the end.
  22. if Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman……does that mean he’s blind as a bat?
  23. if you’ve already died hard how is it possible to die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard …….and then find a good day to die hard again?
  24. college kids prayer:  dear lord, thank you for these noodles i’m about to eat and for the great price i got buying them at Costco…..Ra-Men!
  25. adrenaline does really crazy things to the human body.  i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly was overcome with a surge of energy…….so i went to the gym.
  26. i was born a woman……..which came as a tremendous shock to my parents who were expecting a baby.
  27. taking my sunglasses out of a two-year old’s hands while he naps in the car is probably the closest i will ever come to defusing a bomb.
  28. me:  Jee-zus! honey, get the kids inside, NOW!  wife: why? what’s wrong… me:  just get the damn kids inside! and i begin to run………just then the bee flies off the lens of my binoculars.  
  29. why are they called “condoms” and not “woody hoodies”?

 

 

 

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May 19th 2017
that’s life©1966 #676 (5-19-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman feel free to email: tedhick@gmailcom

What did you do last week? Huh?

Where do you start when the punch line is: “I had a stroke and it saved my life?”  Literally, I did, it did!

 

This is what I sent to the publisher last week and he called jokingly saying, “Did you have a stroke or what?”   Here is what I had sent him…. the not so funny joke was we found out I indeed had a stroke… let me back up a bit…

This is what I sent to the publisher last week and he called jokingly saying, “did you have a stroke or what?…”   Here is what I had sent him….”Ou’ve heard ofg ca cadver dogs, right? You’ver herd of tyruffle szxnighgging frogs, az,d xszrug snigging fogs, ande dogs thzt retreive3 deuck nd geezsxe, aznd  sdfofd gstht re trineqd tyo find bout anaything right?

Elow you cn see a youg b ritttany pointe3r pup getting smellsx of wiwwldassaagraS]and then ‘pointing’ it out in the field.” I don’t even know how you get that off a standard keyboard?

In retrospect the not so funny joke was, we found out later I indeed had a stroke…  let me back up a bit…

On Thursday, April 13th I had just had a rapidly accelerated surgery for cataracts on both eyes and optic implants to bring my vision back to near normal… everything went well and the surgeon and nurses proved once again to be superior.

Move the calendar ahead to two o’clock Tuesday, May 3rd actually Wednesday like 2.a. m. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head on the dresser and then my head banged into the wall. Here’s where I got a little fuzzy; but I insisted we go to Woodland later that day to get a birthday gift for Linda because her birthday was the next day, May 4, I drove and while there, at Costco I lost the car keys twice and one of my $2,500 hearing aids.

∙        As we got ready to go, I found I couldn’t’ tie my shoelaces in a bow and then couldn’t button my shirt. I offed it as probably a minor concussion, while Linda insisted we go directly to the hospital. I said I was ok.

∙        The next day, May 4th I took her and her mother to Cache Creek and our sons joined us for a luncheon buffet…. But the friggin buffet was closed… so things still weren’t going well. While there every time I reached my left hand into my pocket, I was dropping $20 bills and Linda and my sons followed behind gathering up money. Everything I had in my left hand I dropped. One son noticed the fingers on the left hand were slightly curled and the other son said one eye was slightly closed. They said, “sorry mom but that’s it and off we went to Kaiser Vacaville E.R.

The question was, was  it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right brain side stroke (which affects your left side) and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other artery back in 2005 (which was still clear) and set an appointment for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

 

∙                             So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, to fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually 96% closed and beginning to clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, as planned it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport. Updated:

 

On Thursday, April 13th I had just had a rapidly accelerated surgery for cataracts on both eyes and optic implants to bring my vision back to near normal… everything went well and the surgeon and nurses proved once again to be superior.

Move the calendar ahead to two o’clock Tuesday, May 3rd actually Wednesday like 2.a. m. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head on the dresser and then my head banged into the wall. Here’s where I got a little fuzzy; but I insisted we go to Woodland later that day to get a birthday gift for Linda because her birthday was the next day, May 4, I drove and while there, at Costco I lost the car keys twice and one of my $2,500 hearing aids.

∙        As we got ready to go, I found I couldn’t’ tie my shoelaces in a bow and then couldn’t button my shirt. I offed it as probably a minor concussion, while Linda insisted we go directly to the hospital. I said I was ok.

∙        The next day, May 4th I took her and her mother to Cache Creek and our sons joined us for a luncheon buffet…. But the friggin buffet was closed… so things still weren’t going well. While there every time I reached my left hand into my pocket, I was dropping $20 bills and Linda and my sons followed behind gathering up money. Everything I had in my left hand I dropped. One son noticed the fingers on the left hand were slightly curled and the other son said one eye was slightly closed. They said, “sorry mom but that’s it and off we went to Kaiser Vacaville E.R.

The question was, was  it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right brain side stroke (which affects your left side) and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other artery back in 2005 (which was still clear) and set an appointment for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

∙                             So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, to fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually 96% closed and beginning to clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, as planned it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport. Updated:

The question was, was it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right side stroke and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo’s DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other (right side) artery back in 2006 (which was still clear) and set an appointment with him for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

∙        So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually at least 96% closed and had bad plaque and a clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you right now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport.

Carotid arteries are present on the left and right sides of the body.  These arteries originate from different arteries, but follow symmetrical courses. The right common carotid originates in the neck from the brachiocephalic trunk; the left, from the aortic arch in the thorax. They split into the external and internal carotid arteries at the upper border of the thyroid cartilage, at around the level of the fourth cervical vertebra.

Car  These arteries originate from different arteries, but follow symmetrical courses. The right common carotid originates in the neck from the brachiocephalic trunk; the left, from the aortic arch in the thorax. They split into the external and internal carotid arteries at the upper border of the thyroid cartilage, at around the level of the fourth cervical vertebra.

 

∙        It has been really gratifying to know so many people were genuinely concerned about my well being.  I was left with a little weakness on my left side and my brain was able to rewire to allow me to tie my shoes and button my shirt within three days. The stroke kills brain cells in the area it occurs and the magical brain will rewire itself given proper time, medication and changes to lifestyle. It was an incredible experience, one which I would choose not to repeat, but all in all from the second I fell until I returned home again it was the doctors and nurses at Kaiser Vallejo and Vacaville that were responsible for my still being here so if you have a problem with that, take it up with them. They are great, dedicated professionals.

∙        I missed my second Dixon Boat Club meeting,  Dixon Game Club meeting and the first May Fair and May Fair parade since the mid 1960’s… I guess it all went well without me. The grandkids all sold their animals and no one really knew I wasn’t there. I didn’t even break my string of never having missed a city council meeting in over 14 years. Now things are about back to normal with just a little weakness on my left side but all-in-all a remarkable rapid recovery considering what my body has gone through in just a matter of weeks My typing still needs a little work and I have to lower my stress, but at least I can read what I write!

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May 7th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #676 (4-21-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under Pictures

 

‘ll ex

i‘ll explinnext week

weeek… you may be zbler yo figure out what happen234ed

Tedhick@gmail.com 

Ou’ve heard ofg ca cadver dogs, right?

You’ver herd of tyruffle szxnighgging frogs, az,d xszrug snigging fogs, ande dogs thzt retreive3 deuck nd geezsxe, aznd  sdfofd gstht re trineqd tyo find bout anaything right?

Elow you cn see a youg b ritttany pointe3r pup getting smellsx of wiwwldassaagraS]and then ‘pointing’ it out in the field

 

i‘ll exnext week

weeek… you may be zbler yo figure out what happen234ed

 

 

Tedhick@gmail.com 

Ou’ve heard ofg ca cadver dogs, right?

You’ver herd of tyruffle szxnighgging frogs, az,d xszrug snigging fogs, ande dogs thzt retreive3 deuck nd geezsxe, aznd  sdfofd gstht re trineqd tyo find bout anaything right?

Elow you cn see a youg b ritttany pointe3r pup getting smellsx of wiwwldassaagraS]and then ‘pointing’ it out in the field

 

i‘ll explzin next week

weeek… you may be zbler yo figure out what happen234ed

 

 

That’s Life©1966 #671 (4-21-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

Tedhick@gmail.com 

Ou’ve heard ofg ca cadver dogs, right?

You’ver herd of tyruffle szxnighgging frogs, az,d xszrug snigging fogs, ande dogs thzt retreive3 deuck nd geezsxe, aznd  sdfofd gstht re trineqd tyo find bout anaything right?

Elow you cn see a youg b ritttany pointe3r pup getting smellsx of wiwwldassaagraS]and then ‘pointing’ it out in the field

 

 

 

 

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April 28th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #672 (4-28-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 

I Want To Apologize…

          I want to apologize for Dixon’s young, misguided and confused city council person, Devon. He obviously has many issues and problems, not the least being misguided by his mentor, mommy and daddy. He just cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars with his prank of abusing a city policy regarding council person’s behavior. He was allowed, by law, to file false charges against me even though the City Attorney Doug White, and a “Brown Act” expert, Ourania Riddle, told him in advance he was wrong and there was no violation of closed session information “leakage”… other than Minnema getting caught doing exactly what he had accused me of… and witnessed by two independent citizens in the city council chambers. He told his parents in the audience what was going on in a closed session and was admonished in a letter from the city attorney letting HIM know it was a criminal act and to cut it out. To this our Mensa boy said, paraphrased, “There’s no violation of closed leaking session information if I wasn’t in the closed session”… Duh, and this is what we, the rest of the council, must deal with. The Mayor Thom, Vice Mayor Scott, and Councilman Steve made up the “jury” all three voted to shoot the junior council member down after being told by the city attorney, as junior was in advance, he approved the article I wrote before it was published.

He isn’t entirely to blame. His mommy spoke up again spewing the same venom filled rhetoric which wasn’t even pertinent enough to earn a response. She has been grooming her boy since early childhood writing speeches for him and forcing him to go to Tea Party rallies and speak and wave the flag, while others his age were out playing soccer of baseball or something.  Her life’s goal was to get him elected since she couldn’t get elected herself and is an angry woman who has an unnatural and unwarranted hatred for me personally.

Couple this with Mike Ceremello mentoring this young guy and Devon not being smart enough to see through either Mike, or his mom, for their real motivations and you have what we have… a mess.

            He even embarrassingly went to social media (see screen shot) again trying to turn out his troops to support him in his destined failed attack on me and it, like him, embarrassingly flopped too. To show you how misguided this poor boy is look at his web posting the night before the meeting where he even illegally included the logo of the VFW? WTF? Figure out that one yourself. He loves his title doesn’t he?

To his discredit he was able to marshal the troops and his whole support team showed up… one maybe two people who did not speak on his behalf… except mommy spoke for her son… “I’m Devon’s mom”… How embarrassing. He took his time before the three member council to explain the bogus charges he had filed against me by trying to justify the reportedly three criminal investigations going on against him; the Grand Jury, the D.A’s office and the State Attorney General all looking into the fact about the truthfulness of his residence at the time he pulled papers out to run for office. He, nor any of his immediate family members, have been willing to give a sworn affidavit attesting to the truth of his stories… and that’s what all of this was about… to diffuse the possibility of charges hanging over his head by putting the spotlight on me for something that never occurred…. And he knew the charges were wrong and still put on his dog and pony show…at the taxpayer’s expense.

I feel bad for the people that voted for him and hope he’ll see the light and quit his high school shenanigans and try to represent the people who wasted a vote on him because he “a good talker”. He can talk and sing good… you just have to be a good listener to see through the spoon fed crap coming out of his mouth or watch his mentor signal him (yes or no) from the audience with head movements  at council meetings to see just how empty his tank really is.

So he’s got two + strikes against him with me, and others I guess. One for lying and show boating, claiming I elbowed him in the head squeezing behind his chair at a council meeting. He gave an exaggerated Hollywood reaction to me passing behind his chair and his mommy took a three second clip from a video that made it look like I may have touched him, which of course I didn’t… which worked until everyone looked at the rest of the video and saw I had to do the exact same thing to get by the two other councilmen because of the lack of space between the chairs and the wall. I loudly asked him Tuesday if he is still lying to people about me making contact with his head and asked him to fess up. I said, “If I were to elbow you in the head to would be on the ground and not feigning a ghost blow”… Then he cried, “Another threat, did anyone one hear him threaten me?” to which no one replied. He’s trying to play the “He’s picking on me, feel sorry for me because I’m just a kid- card, when I should be Trumping him with “This is senior abuse. I am the senior member of the council and your disrespect it not acceptable”.

Lie number two was this whole performance Tuesday to let many people know, who didn’t before, that he is under criminal investigation… oh wait, no, he already used his platform against me to do that. What he was supposed to do was prove the “charges” he made against me… but he forgot and got on his soap box about how he is being an abused “minority”… All of his “evidence” he presented worked against him… clever huh?

Again I can only apologize and assure the public the four mature members on the council will work with Junior when we can, and will ignore him he acts like the person his team wants him to be, and get on with our business. Now you know the documented truth and can ignore future “fake news”.

 

SACRAMENTO, CA

 

Readers of Travel & Leisure magazine have voted Sacramento the second least attractive city in America. But, according to the article, readers had a few good things to say about the city as well:

Sacramentans don’t earn high marks for their looks, but readers did give them an A for effort. They received a perfect score for being active, which is easy to do in California’s state capital, just two hours from Lake Tahoe and Yosemite. Closer to home, Discovery Park, north of downtown, has 275 acres of riverfront forest and recreation fields.”  (I think Daryl Steinberg has a lot to do with this as the country’s ugliest mayor in both appearance and giving away taxpayers dollars.)

Baltimore, MD was voted the nation’s least attractive city. Also appearing on the list were, Tampa, FL, Milwaukee, WI and Cleveland, OH.

 

S’more Things For Thought

*Good judgement comes from experience… and experience? Well, that comes from poor judgement.

*See a penny pick it up; all day long you’ll have… a nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a hand washer.

*Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero… but bring a bag lady home from the shelter to babysit the kids and everyone loses their crap.

*I replaced the broken handle on my recliner… it’s very important to keep one’s fitness equipment in tip-top shape.

*If you stand by and let someone ruin their life than you are part of the problem… yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar.

*I want a sex change… from “none” to “some”.

*The older I get the more I appreciate being at home not doing a darn thing.

*Having sex with a health care professional makes you immune to the common cold, influenza, malaria, SARS, Ebola, Pneumonia, general bitchiness and smallpox… for your own safety sleep with a health care professional!

*CNN reports that hurricane Earl “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages along the Mexican coast with equal ferocity”… did they expect wealth-based discernment?

*I find myself home alone this afternoon and the refrigerator seems to be making weird noises… I think the beer wants out.

*It was so hot today I went by to see the ex… just for the cold shoulder and the icy stare.

*Bought the wife a refrigerator for her birthday which is really kinda a lousy gift… but you should have seen her face light up when she opened the door.

*I’m pretty sure it’s called a jury of your “peers” because everybody pees.

* Linda says, “Marriage is caring for someone so much that you forgive them if occasionally they’re just the most annoying ass in the world”.

*The guys who measure and install the granite counter tops in your kitchen were probably really pissed when they found out the term “counterfeiters” was taken.

*There is absolutely no excuse for laziness… but if you should happen to find one, share it with me.

*Sometimes even after all these years I wake up and look over at my wife sleeping peacefully beside me and think… “Man, is she lucky!”

*Some days I feel like I’m making a difference… other days I feel about as useful as a lifeguard at the Olympic swimming events.

*Just because I know I could get more done if I got up earlier doesn’t mean I have any intention of ever trying it.

*I learned something new today.  Kitchen sex can be very spontaneous and exciting… and the kitchen staff at Denny’s are quite narrow minded.

*My weight loss goal is really kind of simple… I just want to be able to lie near the peaceful shoreline without those pesky marine biologists dumping buckets of water over me.

*He wiped away her tears… and, unfortunately, her eyebrows as well.

*If I work out for the next four years… when the next Olympics come around I think I could get up off the couch on the first try.

*When viewed as a piece of “performance art” Trump’s campaign rapidly approached “Andy Kaufman’s wrestling women” status.

*Do you, Sue, take John, the optometrist, to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or worse?  Better… or worse? Better…or worse?

*So you’re stranded on an island and you can bring three items.  What would they be… Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal hanging from the end of it.

*I don’t understand people who practice polygamy… who would want more than one mother-in-law?

*My luck… it’s similar to a bald guy who just won a tortoise-shell brush and comb set as a door prize.

*I love bacon.  So much so that sometimes I eat it twice a day… it helps me keep my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep having.

*Imagine if you will. You’re living alone.  Sometime in the middle of the night you hear a fart, not your own… what will you do?

 

 

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