July
16th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #685 (7-14-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

(I want to thank my non-Catholic, Jewish cousin, who is a pissed off  doctor in Santa Barbara for the following):

 

Frisking Nuns… WTF?

The insanity marches on.

We don’t want to insult a hijab clad Muslim woman by a search,

but it’s OK to search a nun. Yep, makes sense to me!

You can’t make this stuff up! Airport security (Detroit Metro Concourse A).

A Catholic nun being frisked by a  Muslim security agent!    Excuse me?

Did you say a MUSLIM security agent Screening for suspected terrorists?

Political Correctness is out of control.  Please pass this all around the USA and CANADA!

 

PROD Clamps down

The People’s Republic of Davis (PROD), where student’s decide who has the right to free speech, and is a bunch that wants to become a Sanctuary city, now has the answer to the city’s health concerns. The city council in its wisdom apparently wants to place a soft drink Tax of 1 cent… thinking it  will curb health problems?  and BTW bring up to a million bucks a year to the city…Oh, you Proud PROD lovers…

 

Abstain? Abstain?

From the email bag… “Ted I watched the most recent council meeting on T.V. and I saw a council member “abstain.”  My first question is, “Is that legal?” (Yes it is). My second question is why would this council member tell the world the issue is a hot one and people are not going to like the way he would vote one way or the other and then punk out? (Can’t answer that one). Then why would the council member, you notice I’m not calling him a councilman… but a member, take council time to whine on live T.V. the other councilmen don’t like him? (Can’t answer that one either, ask him.)

He reminds me of baby huey sans any Cajones. Can someone tell l him this isn’t high school student council and remind him the taxpayers are paying him to do his homework, man up (if he can) and vote on each and every issue without worrying about who will and won’t like him afterwards…?  (I think you just did) This council member has been an embarrassment to himself and those who voted for him from almost his first meeting. He needs to quit being a kid and start trying to be an adult, and quit crying in public about being abused and disliked… Everything that happens to him in in reaction to his own actions. I’m sure the people of “his” “District” have all second guessed their vote and if they had it to do over would make another choice.

            Unfortunately you current councilmen and the public are saddled with him for then next three and on-half years unless the pressure of having to make adult decisions wears him out…Good luck and patience to the current councilmen running our city council…  I do not envy you.”

A perplexed Dixon  Voter

Thanks for taking the time to write…

 

 

Life from the seat of a tractor… by our good friend Larry Lockwood of Proctor Oklahoma! An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by… 

 

The last quote fits everyone…   

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.” 

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

“Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously , care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

 “Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.  

And, finally… 

 

More Things for Thought

 

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool this week.  It’s hot…call me.  I will learn to love you.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once……going twice…..

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m seductively moving my head around……trying to determine if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty.

I give up!  I’ve been working 25/7 trying to come up with a daylight savings joke!

It has been brought to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of the cupcake…..that is essentially the peel. Know your foods, people!

Kids gave me a meat thermometer for Father’s Day and said they hope it works well…….hell; I hope it works medium and rare, too.

I used to mix metaphors all the time…….but that ship has flown.

You’re not really a grandparent until you’ve wished the grandkids sports team does crappy in a tournament…….so you can go home early.

A Job:  something you do so you can afford to buy three avocados at one time at Whole Foods.

This neighborhood we live in has an awesome “neighborhood watch”……the problem is deciding who gets to wear it.

I may not be the handiest guy around the house but I know one thing for certain……the smoke detector battery will never go bad during the day.

OK, first off, who is this infamous “we” in “we need to go on a diet”…and even more importantly why is there salad on my plate where there should be food?

My brother is a treasure……….you’ll need a map and a shovel to find him.

Some day “bitches ain’t shit” by dr. dre will be playing and an elderly couple on the dance floor will turn to each other, smile, and say “they’re playing our song!”

My new personal trainer, in an attempt to get me in the best possible shape, told me to have a protein shake every night at 11PM……but that’s whey past my bedtime.

Most of the Hispanics here in town aren’t offended by taco jokes or siesta jokes.  But immigration jokes…they cross the line.

If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba hook-up and have a kid…….will he be an ice-cube?

The real miracle is that the human race still exists…….after being stupid enough to kill the only man known to be able to change water into wine.

I like to play fetch with the damn cat……which is just basically me throwing stuff followed by disappointment.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the entire office……even though the KFC employees can clearly see me scarfing down the entire bucket while still in the parking lot.

Never underestimate an underachiever………we’re capable of much less than you think.

War and Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad…..rather it was written to be carried around in hardbound to impress people.

I haven’t worn corduroy since the time I almost died in a fire…….chasing the ice cream man down the street.

In order to get the boys up and dressed in time for church one time I told them we were going to Disneyland…..they were just so surprised!

Crowds hated it……but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO”!

Genetics are weird…….only one of my kids inherited my hair color but all of them seemed to get my inability to put shit away and fully close the drawer.

A lonely rooster sees a neon flashing sign announcing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS and walks into Popeye’s…….then cringes in horror and drops his dollar bills.

Not now please..I’m sleeping.

I got called “pretty” today.  Actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty dumb”…..but I’m only focusing on positive things today.

The difference between your wife and your Netflix account is that, over time, your Netflix account will learn what you like.

 

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