April
21st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #671 (4-21-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What Did You Do Last Week?

I Can See!

The Kaiser Vacaville PR department was supposed to give me permission to use the photo of me and the my lovely nurse but didn’t get back to me (I guess because they were so busy doing something?) so I edited the photo to what she may have looked like when I came out of the happy juice.

                                                                                       

Because of my failing eyesight and loss of night vision, like all of a sudden, over the past year or so, and a recent scare, I had scheduled April 27th to have double cataract and optic implants surgery. Let me back up a minute. About a month ago I was given floor tickets to take our grandson to see the Kings play in the new arena. Without thinking I thought, “What a great experience for him”. And it was. He got Kings Autographs and high fives from the whole Timberwolves team as they left the floor after mopping the Kings up with it… but I digress.

So we went to Sac in the daylight but as I was driving out of downtown in the dark to hit the freeway I quietly freaked out because I couldn’t see the lanes or farther than 50 yards ahead clearly, and had to drive across the bypass between two cars just to make it across… It scared the carp out of me… and not much scares me. I’ve jumped out of a plane, walked on the bottom of the ocean, fell off a cliff and been shot at… but this scared me knowing if I didn’t bring our grandson home his parents would probably be miffed and my first wife Linda would probably unhappy about losing the pickup.

So I call Kaiser and started the multi-appointment process that leads up to seeing the surgeon. I decided to have both eyes done at once for the cost, convenience and the fact I didn’t want to go through it twice. I/we went into see the doctor for a pre-op appointment on the 11th and while in his office he had a cancelation and asked if I would like to move my date up to the 13th at 1:30. I said, “Sure” why think about it for two more weeks. Then doctor called later and said they had another cancellation for 7:30 am on the same day. He asked if I wanted that… I said “Sure let’s get it over with”. So a week ago Thursday I underwent surgery on both eyes and had little implants (like tiny contact lenses) stuck in my eyeballs. No pain, no problem and when I awoke fully I had my old 20/20 vision and night vision back… Wow.

The moral of all of this is when I wrote about my carotid artery surgery and advised people to have their necks check apparently many did and several said checking made a big change in their lives. The same goes for this. It was less traumatic than a dentist appointment, painless and gives immediate results, at least in my case. So… if you have failing sight or your night vision in one the wane…get to a surgeon specializing in correction and get it done… your quality of life WILL be better, I promise.

Important Misc. Stuff

Congressman connection…

            Told you recently about our recent former Mayor Jack Batchelor, now serving as a “Field Representative” for U.S. Congressman John Garamendi and I would give you his contact info. Here it is: 1261 Travis Blvd. Suite 130, Fairfield, Ca. 94533. You can phone at 707-438-1822, Fax 707-438-0523 or email at Jack.Batchelor@mail.house.gov. The web page is www.garamendi.house.gov. Now you/we have a friend with a minority foot in the White House… but it’s still a foot.

Midway Road Bridge To Go May 18th

Get this… Cal Trans will be demolishing the I.S. 80/Midway Rd Bridge that crosses the freeway starting May 19. Yep, they say they are going to destroy it and haul it away and put a new one in its place. I.S. 80 will be closed in both directions for a while and that won’t cause much of a problem… the National Cemetery may be hard to get to/from for out of towners. After several months when the new bridge is in place they plan to upgrade the Meridian Road overcrossing bridge and they will close it for a while. If you use those roads or live in that area you better go to the Cal Trans web site and look for D4/80Midwaymeridianbridge.The price tag? A mere $11,828,000… and change…. such a deal huh? We can’t get pot holes or freeway on ramps paved.

State’s Transgender Trend Setter Gets A Razor

 

As a follow up to my past coverage… The first U.S. inmate to have a taxpayer funded sex change operation (what from California, who’d a thunk it?) was having trouble so she/he, with a court appointed attorney now doubt, filed papers with the court to have a razor and won. Shiloh Quine, the 57 year-old convicted murderer has moved into the general population at the Central California Women’s Facility and has been granted a razor after he/she filed suit saying her/his facial hair was making the transition to life as a woman more difficult…Oh the inhumanity, what beasts the California prison system possesses to abuse this gal/guy so. I’m starting a fund for just razor blades for poor murderer Shiloh to help make her/his plush life in prison more… I can’t go on this is just too distressing.

I-Hop-Hopped out of Town for Easter

I-Hop restaurant followed Chevy’s and hopped out of town just before Easter. I hear the building was sold and something is afoot for that location. Anyway they are flat as a pancake and toast.

Putah Creek Council Hires New CEO

The Putah Creek Council recently hired Kent Anderson as its new executive officer. Besides coming from the valley, graduating from Chico State in 2006, and having worked with Ca. fish and game he worked for various organizations on conservation and LGBT rights and education. Most recently he was the deputy XO for the San Francisco LGBT Pride. His background may put a different slant on wildlife and conservation. Go to Putah Creek Council on the internet if you want more info.

More Things For Thought 

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies… I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders.

I’m a vegetarian for health reasons… now please pass the chili-cheese fries.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word “sit” means… however, if I’m holding a treat he can perform brain surgery.

Seeking Siamese twin midgets for a frolic in a tub of mayonnaise… no freaks, please.

I’ve never understood how women can fall in the toilet… I always look closely at something before planting my bare ass on it.

Divorce changes you… for instance, it makes you single.

Girls are supposed to dance… that’s why god gave them parts that jiggle.

Am I the only one to nickname the neighbors… the “red truck dude”, “granny with the rose bushes” and “the douche bag next door“?

Excuse me, you’ve got something on your chin… no, not that one.  The third one down.

In the 21st century deleting history has been more important than making it.

You remember those cute little idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating… after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.

What’s the difference between a smart ass and a wise ass?… a smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is, a wise ass can just tell you it’s going to be cold.

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in a big argument and try to waddle away angrily you still look adorably cute.



Let me get this straight.  Every day 15.8 million American children go hungry while American corporations are stashing $2.1 trillion overseas to avoid paying taxes… but pressing 1 for English is what pisses you off?

Single and divorced men in their mid-forties are said to prefer women at their own maturity level… which explains why they date women half their age.

The wife said there was a man at the door with a beard… I told her “tell him I’ve already got one.”

Tell someone you love them today because life is short… but scream it at them in German ‘cuz life is also terrifying and confusing.

Life tip:  never roll your eyes when renewing your wedding vows.

If you ever feel like a complete moron… never forget I texted the wife this morning to tell her she left her cell phone at home.

I just found a mole on my shoulder… I’ve no clue how he got out of the garden but he’s kinda cute.

Guess it’s time to get up and get going… today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

Kids these days are really out of touch… they wouldn’t even know to be concerned if they heard banjo music while canoeing.

Every once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them… they’re trouble, stay away from them.

Sex ed didn’t mention how much apologizing there would be.

I test drove a jaguar today.  It was very fast but really bumpy, and the saddle almost fell off… and I think he tried to bite me.

The secret to happiness is a great sense of humor… and a dirty mind.

If we ever find ourselves in a situation where I am the voice of reason… we’re in a pretty awful situation.

Had a patient refuse a flu shot today… said he needed the few days off from work and enjoyed returning looking like he’d had a gastric bypass.

Does anyone else miss slamming the phone down?… somehow, angrily pressing “end” just doesn’t do it.

 

 

*A friend asked how the diet was going.  “Not good” I replied, “I had eggs for breakfast”… she asked, “scrambled?”… “No. Cadbury.”

*Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night… and the only one drinking during church.

*Stop talking so much about being sad all the time.  And use a bigger word like ‘despondent’… at least people will think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

*I recently cross-bred an octopus and a panda… call me if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

*Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk… because who holds their cell phone up to their head anymore?

*Based on the amount of laundry in piles in the hall I have to assume that there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

*I have this really neat 94 year-old customer who just told me she’s been watching the “game of thongs” show… migawd!  I hope she’s just saying it wrong!

*When the wife asks if you think it’s possible to love someone forever… “If I ever find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

*Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

*Been following the gorilla/zoo thing… what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in Ohio? (I’m from Dayton).

*I appreciate you confiding in me and I would offer some words of wisdom but I have never been called wise… without the word ‘ass’ following shortly behind it.

*Growing up I couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and be able to do whatever I wanted… then I screwed that up and got married.

*To my surprise the at-home DNA kit is not a good baby shower gift.

*I’d walk thru fire for my wife. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous.  But a super humid room maybe… but not too humid, because after all, my hair.

*Probably the worst thing about being attacked by a pack of wild hyenas would be listening to them giggle while they eat you.

*Fun fact:  If you hear small children running around and laughing loudly… within two minutes at least one of them will be lying on the floor crying hysterically.

*I thought the wife was super-pissed at me but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me… oh, thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there.

*The pizza theorem: all pizzas must be circular.  They will then be cut into triangulated pieces and placed in a square box.

*I don’t really care who dies in a movie… as long as the dog lives.

*After a failed college project to fight hunger Clark decided to focus his efforts on fighting crime… thereby dropping a “p” from his previous title of Supperman.

*This whole “having a job” crap is really preventing me from living the best life possible.

*The dog’s getting pretty old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog crap in the neighbor’s yard when she can’t make it over there.

*The trainer at the gym asked me “how’s your nutrition?” at the same time I was dipping my taco bell burrito in banana custard… I replied: “I’m not going to lie.  It’s been worse.”

*Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than three cars parked outside I keep going… in case it’s an intervention.

*A sales rep just told us about a new pregnancy test that’s curved so you don’t get pee on your hand… if you’re not ready to get pee on your hand you’re definitely not ready for motherhood.

*If I ever say “I got this” when I’ve been drinking I totally don’t have it… and you should probably help me with whatever I’m doing before I hurt myself.

*Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice… some girls are made of barley and hops and a pair of flip flops.

*Why hasn’t one of those Pinterest chick’s figured out how to put grapes in a crockpot and 6 hours later you have wine… it’s like they’re not even trying!

*All I really want at this stage of my life is to lose weight and gain money… but I find I’m gaining weight and losing money.

*You don’t get a body like mine overnight… it takes years of moderate drinking, neglect and numerous damaging behaviors.

 

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