December
30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #655A (12-30-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 2016-12-30

            Here it is…the eve before New Year’s Eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my stupid computer mouse …  So 2016 is history, thank God. 2017 has to be better don’t you think?

The really bright spot for us was the 50th anniversary of the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs that came off without a hitch. It hgappened with the help of hundreds of volunteers and outstanding participation by the various businesses and service clubs, like the Lions, which jumped into help about 600 kids and 100 seniors have a better Christmas.. The latest big help being Pedrick Produce (out on the highway just over the overpass just off Pedrick Rd- duh) supplying all of the fresh fruit for over 100 seniors for the Christmas Eve special delivery. If you’ve never been there, go. You’ll see a lot of folks you don’t know on their way to or from Tahoe stopping to get their fix of goodies for the road and of course folks from the People’s Republic of Davis snatching up their needed farm fresh veggies. It’s a wonderful little place owned by a great local couple.

The next group that has our undying gratitude is the volunteers that saved the few of us from an all-day clean up on the 26th. Our Christmas present came in the form of the Dixon Fire Department (with their tall ladders an help) and more than a dozen men, women and children who showed up to help us this year. In an unbelievable two hours, all of Santa’s stuff was stashed away and the entire Denverton Hall at the fairgrounds was put back in its original form, clean as a whistle (whatever that means). With our slim crew that usually has to do this it would have taken six hours or more eating up a whole day. What a great present for us, thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

From the Email: “Ted: I used to think you were just a regular guy, but …”

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You were born white, which now, whether you like it or not, makes you a racist.

You are a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes you a fascist.

You are heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes you homophobic.

You are non-union, which makes you a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

You support a Judeo/Christian nation, which now labels you as an infidel.

You believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes you a member of the vast gun lobby.

You are older than 60, which makes you a useless old man.

You think and you reason, therefore you doubt much that the main stream media tells you, which must make you a reactionary.

You are proud of your heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes you a xenophobe.

You value your safety and that of your family and you appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes you a right-wing extremist.

You believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes you an anti-socialist.

You believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes you a militant.

Now, a loser and shrew of a woman, called me and my friends a basket of deplorables. Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny… it’s all just taken place over the last eight years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

Looks like a change is at hand in this game since Obama played the race card,

Hillary played the woman card and America played the Trump card!

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*I think it’s just adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list… like I’d somehow forget.

*The neighbor’s four-year old sang in church Sunday for the first time, and no matter if it was the wrong song… there’s never a bad time for “we will rock you’!

*”Tender and mild”, a good way to describe take-out chicken… not so good for a holy infant.

*Day 4 of the all-day Christmas music on the PR system at work… Googled “Christmas cane prison shank”.

*I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

*It’s difficult to try and be romantic when the darned dog always eats the trail of Mc Nuggets leading to the bedroom.

*An enterprising divorce lawyer could do quite well if he would set up a booth at a Sunday cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

*Just saw a sign outside a church that said “Santa Claus never died for anyone”… but I also realized Jesus never brought me a G.I. Joe helicopter or a bike.

*I was ‘born to be wild’… but only till about 9:30 or so.

*”When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child”… when I became a man I did that stuff online.

*When killing them with kindness fails to do the job… try a blunt object.  Results may vary.

*The hot chick at the bar just informed everyone she was gonna do something stupid tonight… I made a point of telling her I only had a 1.7gpa in high school.

*Humans are the only creatures in this universe that cut the trees, turn them into paper, and then write “save the trees” on it.

*If you go out with a group of people it’s called ‘Christmas caroling’… if you go alone they call it ‘creating a public nuisance’.

*Reports are circulating that Ivanka Trump may take on some of the roles of the first lady… still no word on who will handle the duties of the President.

*We live in a society where people seemingly readily accept oral sex as normal behavior… but still freak out when you double dip a chip.

*Kim Kardashian is stuck with a huge ass… but enough about Kanye West.

*If you read the entire dictionary then technically you’ve read every book ever written… just out of order.

*”I” before “e” except after “c”…unless you’re an 8 year-old planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

*Are we sure that the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

*I won a trip to Hawaii but I’m not going to go. I’m way too white for the beach… seagulls think I’m bread.

*There are only four things you can be when you go out with your friends. Sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover… tipsy is the only where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.

*I feel really sorry for Muslim terrorists… how many heads do they have to chop off before people realize Islam is a “religion of peace”?

*When I was a kid I asked my aunt what a ‘couple’ was. She told me “oh, 2 or 3″… no wonder her marriages never lasted.

*I’m so tired of the distinction type I diabetes and type II diabetes which is confusing… I prefer ‘not your fault’ diabetes and ‘mostly your fault’ diabetes.

*Apparently one in three Europeans are conceived in an Ikea bed… which is just nuts ‘cuz those places are very well lit.

*Let me tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.

*A 25 year-old just told me she’s going to rock my world… I’m more than twice her age so I assume she’s going to tell me where to find comfortable shoes and soft food.

*Neither Muslims or Jews eat pork…. made me wonder, is there something in pork that makes you less excitable?

*Drug use, in my opinion, gets a lot of undue criticism.  Look at all the great things it’s given us like rock ‘n roll… and some really amazing sporting achievements.

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