Posted under That's Life Columns
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“Trust me the government is doing this for your own good”…
Guess I Should expect to get audited by the IRS and have my phone records seized after this huh?
Senior Lemon Picker…
Sally M. from Davis decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman was applying for a job in a California lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the Cal. and had worked as a social worker and school teacher but was out of work and really needed the money.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?” “Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned a Nash Rambler, a Pinto, a Fiat and voted for Obama.”
- I heard two days ago was Harvey Milk day in all California schools…with a glamorized book and all. Did your child come home asking about the contents of their new book (or even tell you about it) or ask you to explain how guys doing guys is a “normal,” and now accepted thing? Does the glorification of the country’s “first openly gay man elected to public office” seem worthy of child indoctrination in every school in California? Do you find this kind of hard to swallow?
My conservative friends have asked if there will also be a Dan White Day where crackers and Twinkies will be served to each student with the explanation of another San Francisco man, former police officer and elected official whose life style led to express his beliefs in an entirely different way. I think probably not…I don’t think he will even receive a mention in schools… which will unbalance the whole Ying/Yang thing going on in this crazy state. (Daniel James “Dan” White (September 2, 1946 – October 21, 1985) was an elected San Francisco supervisor who assassinated San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk, on Monday, November 27, 1978, at City Hall. In a controversial verdict that led to the coining of the legal slang “Twinkie defense,” White was convicted of manslaughter rather than murder in the deaths of Milk and Moscone. White served five years of a seven-year prison sentence. Less than two years after his release, he returned to San Francisco and (reportedly) committed suicide. San Francisco Weekly (surprise!) has referred to White as “perhaps the most hated man in San Francisco’s history.“)
Before you bruise your typing finger with the few screams we’ll get about being “homophobic” or “anti-gay” or “racist” or any of the other crap I get on rare occasion from the few left wing nuts who read this column, let me tell you something. The vast majority of our readers, both here and on line, are hard working, taxpaying, citizens who are also entitled to their opinions. If they are upset about their government sneaking in a pro-queer day in public schools, they have that right. Now California, “The land of fruits and nuts,” can brag about it being the land of Milk and Twinkies too, with only Milk being forced fed in schools.
Like I’ve said many times I thought “don’t ask-don’t tell” was a fair, good thing. I don’t care where Harvey stuck what, where or with whom as long as it was between consenting adults in private. But now the Demon-crats have succeeded in making their gay life style appear to be acceptable to the majority and are being forced on to school children state wide…They think this is acceptable to the majority…butt I don’t believe that to be true. I guess time will tell. This is where their rush to get millions of undocumented demon-crats citizenship may backfire. Most of those waiting for citizenship are God-fearing, religious, down to earth folks who listen to their church leaders and don’t buy this “gay is good,” or “ marry whatever you want” fad currently underway.
- The Obama folks are providing $100 million in new aid to Syria U.S. officials said last week, but the money is for “humanitarian purposes only” and not linked to any decision to arming Syrian rebels, yep. (see photo above).
- Call Ripley’s: A new bill approved by the California State Assembly gill give “transgender” students the right to use public school restrooms and participate on sports teams that correspond with their “expressed genders”. I guess “I’m feeling my feminine side today so I’ll use the girl’s shower” might make high school even more interesting…WTF? I mean really…
- Poor Wal-Mart only earned $3.78 billion of $1.14 per share in the quarter ending April 30. That compares to $3.74 billion and $1.09 last year for the same time. Wall Street was disappointed because they fell one cent short of the projected $1.15 per share on revenue…How am I going to sleep at night knowing this sadness exists in the world?
- The Dixon May Fair Junior Livestock Auction again created a little controversy when one kid got $8,500 for raising a turkey that wasn’t even a champion…not that a champion fair turkey is worth a 10th of that amount according to critics. The livestock buyers knew what was going on. One lamb sold for $8,540 (most sell for $500 to $800) and a pig $9.880 (most sell for $800 to $1,000) or a goat that got over $10,000 while the others went for a couple of hundred. Those complaining feel these huge ridiculous sums would do much better being spread out among the kids who could really use the money with the wealthy donors quietly giving the kids they selected money on the side. The critics don’t understand this is show and tell time for some folks with big bucks but each case of the outlandish prices has its own story…Each year these seems to be a youngster or two with a special story that sees the ag community step up to the plate to give a helping hand. Fair insiders know the stories…Many of the kids involved in the auction know also what’s going on. Those not in the know? They are just left to wonder what the heck happened. ..Sa La Vie.
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
The Dixon Adult Learning Center
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By May 31st, 2013
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or bitching about it for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase– Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Sent to me by a friend now somewhere in the Federal Protection Program . . .
I know many of you are looking forward to football season. Well, here’s a little recap of last year…Coincidence? Just wondering… Alabama beat Arkansas, And Arkansas fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach. Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach. Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigned…….Boy, I wish the white house had a team!
Who’s The Smartest?
A Jewish fellow happens to walk into his favorite bakery just as an Arab man also enters the establishment. They give each other the “stink eye” and sort of confirm their inbred dislike for one another. After a few moments the Arab sidles up to the Jew and says “Arabs are so much more clever than Jews…I just stole three pastries and stuffed them in my pocket and the owner has no clue.”
The Jewish guy says, “Well, I’m going to show you there is no one more shrewd or adept at theft than a Jew. Watch and learn.”
And then the Jewish guy says to the owner, “Give me a pastry and I’ll show you a magic trick.”
The baker loved a good magic trick so he handed the Jewish man a pastry. And the Jew gobbled it right down. He then asked for another pastry…and of course ate it just as fast. The baker was a tad perplexed but was willing to go along with the program. The Jew then asked for his third pastry and devoured it.
The bakery owner exclaimed, “Hey, what the hell? What goes on here? What happened to my pastries? The Jewish fellow answers, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.
The deciding question was, “Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect.” Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
Is Pollution Bad in Dixon?
State Figures show and tell
State score (lower is better)
2.24 to 15.192
15.192 to 28.144
28.144 to 41.096
41.096 to 54.048
54.048 to 67
Primary City: Dixon
ZIP Code: 95620
Total Population: 20553
State Ranking (lower percent is worse) 26-30%
Pollution Burden Score (0 – 8.8, lower score better) 6.3
Population Characteristic Score (0 – 9.5, lower score better): 4.4
State Ranking Score (0 – 67, lower score better) 27.72
Ozone Percentile (0 – 100, higher worse): 33.72
Diesel Percentile (higher worse): 47.09
Pesticides Percentile (higher worse): 79.25
Traffic Percentile (higher worse): 50.06
Cleanup Sites Percentile (higher worse): 55.14
Groundwater Threats Percentile (higher worse): 96.28
Haz. Waste Percentile (higher worse): 65.19
Imp. Water Bodies Percentile (higher worse): 94.22
Solid Waste Percentile (higher worse): 88.1
Asthma Percentile (higher worse): 56
Low Birth Weight Percentile (higher worse): 8.27
Education Percentile (higher worse): 59.53
Poverty Percentile (higher worse): 33.52
More Random Thoughts…
My wife and I met at a castanet class…we clicked.
I went to the nursery today and bought a Christmas tree. the salesperson asked “will you be putting that up yourself?”…no, you damn fool, I’ll be putting it up in my living room!
My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature but she also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful….my wife on the other hand….
I’m the youngest of three…my parents are both much older.
My wife and I decided we don’t want children…if you do we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
My uncle has a weird hobby, he collects empty bottles…which sounds so much better than “alcoholic”.
We have a beautiful little girl we named after my mother-in-law…in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow.
So what if i can’t spell “Armageddon”…..it’s not the end of the world.
I wonder what the word for “dots” looks like in Braille.
I think vests are all about protection….a life vest protects you from drowning, a bullet-proof vest protects you from gun shots, and a sweater vests protects you from pretty girls.
What does the word “meteorologist” mean in English?…it means liar.
I told my wife I feel old, fat, bald, useless and stupid…..she said “don’t be silly. you’re not old”.
The guy who draws pictures of criminals is a con artist.
I can understand you being pissed off at me….but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I had a hard time completing our HR departments course on sex in the workplace…i didn’t realize “harass” was one word.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas…democrats have no ideas.
Time may be a great healer…but it’s a crappy beautician.
In my lifetime we’ve gone from Eisenhower to Obama…JFK to Al Gore……if this is evolution in a few more years we’ll be voting for plants.
Thanksgiving used to be its own holiday, not Christmas part 1. You ate, you drank, you took a nap and nobody woke you up and said “let’s go shopping!”
If hell is real I’m sure it was modeled after junior high school.
There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
When I was a kid I had two imaginary friends…..and they would only play with each other.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky…but there’s never any gum under them.
So I’m at the wailing wall standing there like a moron…with my harpoon.
I was at a bar nursing a beer…my nipple was getting quite soggy.
I’m plagued with a flurry of odd thots…can an orphan eat at a family restaurant? Can a fat person go skinny-dipping? Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
When you’re in love you go to bed early…when you’re married you go to sleep early.
Gas prices really aren’t that unreasonable if you consider you’re buying a bad-ass dinosaurs in liquid form.
Girl Scout cookie season is timed to occur just when you’ve given up any chance of adhering to your new year’s resolutions.
My dad used to say, “Son, if you do that you’ll go blind.”…and I’d respond, “hey, pops, I’m over here!”
It’s really obvious Cinderella was written by a woman…if a man had written it the prince would have had her in the sack ’til midnight when she would have turned into a pizza.
I’ve noticed the strangest thing about men that hang out in bars…they only have one of two reasons to be there, either they have no wife to go home to…or they do.