28th 2011
That’s Life #389 (12-23-11)

Posted under That's Life Columns


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Last Crab Feed Saturday Night!


          There are still some tickets available for the “open to the public” crab feed New Year’s Eve at the Dixon Veteran’s Hall. They are $45 each or $75 a couple for the crab feed (with live entertainment) for an end of the year party. A few tickets will be available at the door but if you want to make sure you can attend the last crab feed of the year, call 678-6308 ASAP and get your tickets. The event is sponsored by the Dixon American Legion Post 208.


A Christmas Message…A Real Email

(I wanted to run this last week but we didn’t have the room)

Dear Ted,

 I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have I wanted my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird poop.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

Maybe next year I will be able to get my crap together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butt down to Wal-Mart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa


Can you guess which of the following

are true and which are false?




(*Answers are at the bottom of column.) 

1.  Apples, not caffeine are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.  
2.  Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button. 
3.  A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.. 
4.  People do not get sick from cold weather–it’s from being indoors a lot more with the circulation of the virus. 
5.  When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 
6.  Only 7% of the population are lefties. 
7.   40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 
8.  Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 
9.  The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 
11.  The average housefly lives for one month. 
12.  40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 
13.  A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 
14.  The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute. 
15.  Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day. 
16.  Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 
17.  The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water. 
18.  The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19.  John Travolta turned down the starring roles in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Tootsie.’ 
20.  Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem. 
21.  In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 
22.  Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 
23.  The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 
24.  Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.  They are used in vein transplant surgery. 
25.  Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 
26.  If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.



We Lived At The Right Time



          I know I’m starting to sound like an old fart but my generation was born at the right time. We came up through the 50’s with families like the old TV shows showed. We had values, respect for our elders and all we had to worry about was the Atom Bomb. When was the last time you heard some kid (who was not in the military) call and older person “sir” or Ma’am” or even count out change correctly without a machine telling them what to do? These manor less snots call people old enough to be their grandparents by their first names…and the great, “What can I do for you guys?”

We had drills in school to get under our desks when the sirens went off and cover the backs of our necks…It gave me night mares then to think about a bomb going off. Little did we know the stupid drills would do no good if one did go off. We lived through the Cuban Missile crisis, the Kennedy assassinations, and even Nixon claiming,”I am not a crook.” We had nickel cokes, gas was 25 cents a gallon and things, in retrospect were good. When we went into the service, or were drafted (yep, drafted into the army), they gave us cartons of cigarettes.

            In our children’s lifetime there will no longer be a newspaper, even like this one, the post office will go the way of the horse and buggy, gasoline stations will become obsolete and the main threat to the entire world will not be communism or the Chinese but the Muslim edict to take over the world and/or kill all infidels (that’s you and me and the Chinese for that matter). Our country will become more isolated and Europe will become a checkerboard of areas that are Muslim controlled, and those that are not. The serious threat of nuclear annihilation of the human race will hang like a pall over the world until the radical Muslim threat is neutralized, possibly by its own people tired of a few dictating to the many to move back to the dark ages…I don’t even want to think about what our grandchildren’s lives will be like unless serious threats are neutralized by strong people willing to take strong measures to protect what our ancestors worked and died for to give us what we have today.

            Cases in point are the Vacaville Reporter starting its slow newsprint demise heading towards all computerized news for which you will pay. You are seeing post office losing three Billion dollars (with a B) for the last time and changing the way it is operating while it slowly goes out of business. First Saturday’s will go, and then post office buildings, then mail carriers and then UPS will probably take over. The upcoming generation can’t even write a letter no less mail one. By first grade they are computer literate and have no time to actually write a letter long hand…are you kidding? This current generation has to be tuned in, turned on and removed from human contact as much as possible. They discuss their business in public with a piece of plastic sticking out of their ear and must text to everyone, everything, everyday…but not sit down at dinner with the family and talk…just isolate and text and actually talk on the phone (if they have to). That goes for every kid from the start of school on…sad huh. Exercise? Yep they exercise all right…their texting and computer and game controller fingers for hours and hours every day…Run, play and spend a lot of time out of doors…I don’t think so.

            So what can we as parents and grandparents do? How about not enabling them to continue their bad habits? Have them put away all electronic devices when they visit. Turn off the Wii and X box…and you know what? They’ll no longer want to visit you. But if they do take them to the zoo, museums, fishing, hunting, walks and bike rides. Take the damned ear buds out of their ears and fill their heads with stories of the way it was…when they roll their eyes with boredom make sure to take them to a fast food place and help them on their way to a diabetic future.

            I don’t have the answers. I just know my generation lived at the right time and have seen unbelievable things occur in the past 60 years or so from government’s falling, to space travel, to the digital age. This is a far cry from the milk man delivering bottles to the door, Sputnik, Marylyn Monroe, Roy Rogers, families going to a place of worship each week wearing the finest clothes, to the Rat Pack, Mickey Mantle, and black and white TV’s.

Just think our kids one day will look back at this cesspool the world is becoming now and refer to them as “the good old days,” what a scary thought. Happy New Year!


*They are all TRUE…Now go back and think about #16 !


 Real Moose Hunting!

This just may be my sense of humor but I think this is FUNNY! I heard the guys actually got a ticket for creating a traffic jam. 



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