9th 2005
That's Life # 31 (For 2-9-05)

Posted under That's Life Columns

Just Wondering?

Just in case all of you in attendance at last week’s racetrack meeting at the fair grounds were wondering about the front page story in this past week’s paper there is an explanation. The publisher combined the story I wrote with information Mike Ceremello provided and that’s how you end up with two different styles in one story. Those of you who know us both or have read our stuff long enough should be able to tell who wrote what.
Shortly after the meeting several council members, staff members and I guess consultants were in a hurry to get ready for their all expense paid trip to Florida. I made a comment to a Magma person that they shouldn’t have excluded the public or the press from the trip. “Bad form,” I said. All he said was, “The city selected who was to go.” I had been led to believe it was Magma who was keeping prying eyes at home. Magma appears to be above board in all of its dealings so far. It’s the council members we apparently need to look at more closely.
On the other side of the coin if I was still on the city council I might not want members of the public or the press to know what I did on one of these junkets either. Like my old buddy VICE mayor Gilbert Vega smugly said with a smirk when I suggested he take the Tribune Editor with them, “It’s a free country no one is stopping him from going at his own expense.” The Tribune editor and I just looked at each other and I walked away in disgust. No, you see VICE mayor Gilbert, it’s just “free” for you and your traveling companions, there’s a difference.
By the way VICE mayor Gilbert when I was vice mayor I tried to get a cut of all of the gambling, prostitution and drugs in the area but there wasn’t any. I tried to mussel the penny a point gin game at the senior center but they beat me with their canes. Then I tried to cut in on the Friday night nickel/dime poker at my neighbor’s house and they laughed. I did better on the drug traffic. The Garcia brothers at Hometown cut me in for a nickel for each bottle of aspirin they sold if I promised to stay away from the store. You know, come to think of it they never paid me.
The council can still save a little face if they elect (no pun intended) to take a member of each newspaper with them on their next junket. I don’t care who it is from the public that goes but I still think Joe Anderson (former councilman and mayor) would be the logical choice. See if Joe went he could actually tell us what he heard and saw and not leave us wondering why the council doesn’t want anyone not under its direct control to see what happens away from home. Am I beating a dead horse here? I hope so. Right is right and folks and this isn’t right.
I guess the council plans to hide this stink under the city’s “manure management plan.”

Gotta Stop!

Lord please help me stop badgering our beloved city council for I am starting to sound a lot like Mikey the Acorn and I don’t want to do that.
Speaking of the Acorn I have it on good authority he is already running for the next city council election in two years. Word has it he wants to unseat the VICE mayor. Oh, by the way Lord, while you’re at it tell me it isn’t so. Let me know it’s not in the cards. Can you imagine Mikey on the rostrum beating his shoe on the table and yelling “of with their heads”? Or worse yet what would happen if he calmed down and became one of THEM?

So maybe there’s an upside to aging after all…

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

Be careful what you ask for!
An Atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees”! “What powerful rivers”! “What beautiful animals”! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”? The Atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian”? “Very Well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, Amen”.
I can hear the moans from here! Thanks MAM.
1.Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was terrific.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
4. I went to a seafood disco last week and danced so much I pulled a mussel. 5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says: “A beer for me and one for the road.”
8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says: “Does this taste funny to you?”
9. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'” The doctor says, “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” The man asks, “Is it common?” The Doc says, “It’s Not Unusual.”
10. Two cows standing are in a field. One says, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says the second. “It’s true, no bull!” the first cow replies.
11. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” The vet says, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up and examines his eyes and teeth and says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What?” exclaims the man, “because he’s cross-eyed?” “No,” says the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find them.
14. I went to the butcher’s and bet him 50 bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He refused the bet, saying, “No, the steaks are too high.”
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. (My favorite!)
16. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
17, A Polish immigrant goes to the Department Motor Vehicles to apply
for a driver’s license. He has to take an Eye Test. The clerk tells him to read a card with the letters ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z’. “Read it?” the man replies, “Yes, he’s my cousin.”

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