Posted under That's Life Columns
“Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching
may not be able to tell the difference.”
From the Email Bag
#1Ted: “Was that you and your ‘first wife Linda’ selling drink tickets at the NRA diner last Saturday at the Legion Hall?” D.H. Ted: Yes it was. It was also our eldest son Trey tending bar and helping out both the American Legion and the NRA by volunteering our services to two (I know tutu) worthwhile organizations. You ever want to go some place to feel appreciated this was the place for me…I just happen to be a member of both groups. Granted there weren’t many folks from Davis in attendance. The column I wrote about fighting the war overseas or here at home was both understood and appreciated by both the American Legion ad NRA crowd. It was nice for a change to have so many compliments…just a pleasant side effect of volunteering for the right gig I guess. Still haven’t heard one word from the anti-war, pull the troops out now, peace at all cost, other side of the coin folks. I asked for any of those people, and I personally know several here in town, to explain how to combat the Muslim promise of world domination and extermination of all non-believers. I ask again for someone, anyone, to explain if we don’t fight them in their home land (since they have committed to kill all Christians, Jews and other non-believers) how do we keep from bringing a war zone here on our home soil? How do we keep that from happening? How do we keep combat from coming to our home shores? You think they are joking when men, women and children blow themselves up because they have been told, and believe, their divine sprit wants them to take out innocent infidels? Remember 911?
#2Ted: I notice you mention Dixon Police Officer Ray Mince quite often in your column. Is there something special about him?” T.N. Ted: Yes there is.
Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Mansmell’, a huge 86 per cent of Detroit residents said that they have had sex in the shower. The other 14 per cent said they hadn’t been to prison…yet.
An elderly Dixon woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped and froze in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As Officer Mince cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38′s!” (You can thank Ken C. of Dixon for the last two).
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician named Katie asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Katie, the blonde mortician, a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. ‘There’s no charge,’ she says. ‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.’ Honestly, ma’am,’ the Katie says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’ ‘So I just switched the heads.’
Big Shot New Yorker
A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods.
He got this reply: Dear Sir: “I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant had refused to pay. If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what you could do with your claim.”
Ron’s Giving Up Golf?
Ron is 90-years-old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day, he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife Roberta. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t even see where it goes.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?” “That’s no good,” sighs Ron. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be 103,” says his wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So, the next day, Ron heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and asks, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight!” “Where did it go?” asks Ron….”I don’t remember.”
What Starts With F And Ends With K?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. For weeks the teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’ Every time Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!’ Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3? ‘Harry: ’9.’ Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6? ‘Harry: ’36.’And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the third grade.’Ms. Brooks says to the principal,’ Let me ask him some questions.’ The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’ Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’ Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’ The principal wondered why she would ask such a question. Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’ Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’ Harry: ‘Pants.’ Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, and contains thin, whitish liquid? ‘Harry: ‘ Coconut.’ The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks:’ What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’ The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? ‘Harry: ‘Shake hands.’ The principal was very nervous.Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F ‘ and ends in ‘ K ‘ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’ Harry: ‘Firetruck.’ The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put him in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong’. (Shame on you and the principal.)
An elderly Italian man who lived on the out skirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession last week. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father… During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.” “There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.’ The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.’ “Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.” “And what is that?” asked the priest. “Should I tell her the war is over?” #
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