13th 2011
That’s Life #366 (7-14-11)

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com



Celebrate Odd Day this Saturday




            Yep, you heard me. Celebrate “Odd Day” this Saturday 7/9/11. This is only one of six dates this century that features three consecutive odd numbers. The next one is 9/11/13…which sounds bad all the way around. My projection for this odd day? The world will not end in an odd way on this day…so sleep well.



What You Gonna Do When They Come At You?



While my neighbor Shane Nichols and I were out fishing recently we were not that far from the Dixon Boat Club when we heard a jet ski coming at like mach 2. I looked up and there was a sheriff’s deputy zooming by and fish eyeing us on one side and when I turned to say something to Shane there was another on the other side. They were hauling…the moral of the story? If you’re growing dope on one of the islands, or drinking and driving, it’s not just the Coast Guard you have to watch out for… and there is a fast sheriff’s patrol boat lurking out there too! Consider yourselves warned; break the law, pay the price…you can’t out run these guys, and besides, where could you run on the water?




Sometimes You Get The Bear…





            …And sometimes the bear gets you…Sometimes you just have to scratch your head and wonder what goes on in the minds of your elected city council. One week they back an anti-charity move to stifle local charities efforts to make money from selling legal fireworks for the first time in like 35 years. Then they hold an emergency meeting and decide to allow the eight groups to have shade and signs. For this hundreds of folks involved in this hot fourth of July effort breathed a sigh of relief thinking the council was back in the right track and decided to “dance with who brung them” so to speak.


Now this week you have the anti-fireworks, lone ranger, Mayor Batchelor singing the praises of the local garbage company and the Vice Mayor  Ceremello questioning why the city is the strong armed enforcer of overdue bills for the private company.


            At issue is; should the city be the one to place liens on our citizen’s homes for unpaid garbage bills or should the private company do it themselves like PG&E and the Water Company do? Where are the loyalties of the people you elected? By a 4-1 (Ceremello opposing) indefensible vote they solidly stood with the garbage guys…go figure. How could your people, you elected to serve you, stab you in the back and use your tax dollars (staff time) to place liens on you or your neighbor’s home for unpaid garbage bills? They don’t do it for anyone else for “health and safety reasons.”  If you lose your heat in winter, lights or your water, couldn’t that be a health and safety matter?


            Whether they have or haven’t done it to date isn’t the point…they could. Basically they figured since pretty much no one showed up to complain, no one would try to figure out how four members of the council ended up in the garbage men’s pocket. This only goes for home owners…not business or commercial…something smells and it’s not just garbage here.


            I don’t blame the garbage guys. If I were them and I could get the city to do my dirty work for me I would take that as a business coup.


            I was on the council when the city gave the garbage business away and I opposed it then saying it would be a huge money maker in the future and help reduce taxes. I lost that battle and guess what? I also opposed the franchise agreement and the sweetheart deal which could have the city drive the nail in the coffin of some of its citizens down on their luck and help steal their homes, especially now…and people keep asking me why I don’t run for city council again…does garbage like this answer your question?




True Story!


            A woman in one of those hot air balloons we see all the time here realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude going over Dixon and spotted a man working on a ranch below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The rancher consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 23 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

            She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.  “I am,” replied the rancher. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “Everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

            The rancher smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.” “I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” said the rancher, “You don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”


HowDoYouTell Him?


          We just got one of those catalogues in the mail last week that has everything under the sun in it and glancing through it I came across an add for bosom and rear end “enhancement”. There are cheaters for women’s breasts and even cheater butt pads. So if you’re flat in both places you can enhance them to make you more attractive to the opposite sex I guess. When personality alone doesn’t do it you can put on fake boobs and a fake butt.
What happened to the good old days when mom had a girl stuff some Kleenex or TP in her bra to “fill her out a little”? That way when the guy found out and started to cry she wouldn’t have far to reach for a hankie to comfort him.
Now days you have these silicone type pads that look (on the outside of the clothes any way) and supposedly feel real. They aren’t selling these for women who have had surgery and need them…they are selling them just to fool guys. My question is: “At what point do you tell a prospective suitor that what you see ain’t what you get? And…how do you do it? Do you say, “Hey Gary we’ve grown rather close and I think its time we take the next step…I’m not what I appear to be…not that I’m a suicidal maniac or anything, just you have seen the ‘real me” yet. Talk about letting the air out of the balloon…so to speak…Or do you just slowly get smaller and smaller inserts so the guy thinks it was him or the beer than made you seem more than what you really appeared to be? If they were marketing those things correctly they would sell them in like five packs with descending sizes to you could down size and kind of get back to your normal self without much attention.




Almost Got Caught!





          Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they watched their boss leave work early.  One day, the women decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?  The brunette, thrilled to be home so soon, did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
            Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”


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