March
10th 2011
That’s Life #348(3-10-11)

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:  Tedhick@gmail.com

 

 

DON’T FORGET! Change the time Saturday night…Spring forward…Already?

  

 

 

 

Hunter Safety Class in time for Turkeys

The Dixon Game Club is having a Hunter Safety Class on March 19th and 20th which will be held at the Dixon Game Club building, 250 West Mayes Street (behind the post office).  Class times will be (Sat 3-19-11) 8 am to 4 pm. (Sun 3-20-11) 8 am to 2 pm.  Lunch will be provided on Saturday.  Cost for the class will be $10.  Anyone interested call (707) 678-9155, and leave a message someone will call you back.

 

 

Also Big Friday Night Bingo

 

Tomorrow night, Friday March 11 starting at 4 pm (doors open at 3pm) the American Legion will expand its “remote caller bingo” to Fridays as well as Tuesdays. In the first two nights about $17,000 in prize money was won, each night, by players at the Dixon location but payouts could change. Call the Vet’s Hall at 678-6308 with questions and see related story on Page 1.

 

 

Ventriloquist

 

 

A young ventriloquist is touring Northern California and, one night, he does a show in Dixon. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?  Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little guy on your lap!”

(The blond in the picture above snagged me away from my first wife Linda at the Chamber dinner for a dance and asked me, “Those blond jokes you do…you don’t have me in mind when you do them do you?” I said… “Of course not Jill, no one would believe they were about you.”)

 

 

 

From The Email Bag…

 

          Ted:   Something is terribly wrong with this picture… Someone please tell me what the H**L’s wrong with all the people that run this country! We’re “broke” and can’t help our own seniors, veterans, orphans, homeless etc. In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti, Chile, and Turkey, and now Pakistan…home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of  DOLLARS!
          Our retired seniors living on a ‘fixed income’ receive no aid nor do  they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations  pour Hundreds of Billions of $’s and tons of food to foreign  Countries! We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans. AMERICA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed hungry, elderly going without ‘needed’ meds, and  mentally ill without treatment -etc, YET…They have a ‘benefit’ for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies. Imagine if our government gave ‘US’ the same support they give to other countries. Sad isn’t it? B.D Dixon

 

 

Texas Translations of California Euphemisms

 

In California In Texas
Diverse or Lifestyle Choice Sinful and Perverted
Arsenal of Weapons Gun Collection
Delicate Wetlands Swamp
Undocumented Worker Illegal Alien
Cruelty-Free Materials Synthetic Fiber
Assault and Battery Attitude Adjustment
Heavily Armed Well-protected
Narrow-minded Righteous
Taxes or Your Fair Share Coerced Theft
Commonsense Gun Control Gun Confiscation Plot
Illegal Hazardous Explosives Fireworks or Stump Removal
Nonviable Tissue Mass Unborn Baby
Equal Access to Opportunity Socialism
Multicultural Community High Crime Area
Fairness or Social Progress Marxism
Upper Class or “The Rich” Self-Employed
Progressive, Change Big Government Scheme
Homeless or Disadvantaged Bums or Welfare Leeches
Sniper Rifle Scoped Deer Rifle
Investment For the Future Higher Taxes
Healthcare Reform Socialized Medicine
Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater Conservative
Truants Homeschoolers
Victim or Oppressed Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing
High Capacity Magazine Standard Capacity Magazine
Religious Zealot Church-going
Reintroduced Wolves Sheep and Elk Killers
Fair Trade Coffee Overpriced Yuppie Coffee
Exploiters or “The Rich” Employed or Land Owner
The Gun Lobby NRA Members
Assault Weapon Semi-Auto (Grandpa’s M1 Carbine)
Fiscal Stimulus New Taxes and Higher Taxes
Same Sex Marriage Legalized Perversion
Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wake Up And Smell The Roses

 

            So you get this email from the Bank of America saying they are closing your account and your action is needed immediately or else….The only problem is you’ve never had an account at the B of A. Each week I get a couple of the stories warning about everything from stealing body parts, to bogus warnings from banks and credits unions, to credit card thefts at gas stations, to people stealing your password or FOB signal when you lock your car from the outside. Then there are the bogus telephone solicitations and solicitors at your door coupled with daily email specials that are “just to god to be true.”

            It seem like senior citizen are duped more than any other demographic and it shouldn’t be that way. They shouldn’t be more gullible; they’ve heard and seen it all and should be less trusting and more cynical.

            I contacted Dixon Police Chief Jon Cox and we talked about any scams currently operating in our area. He said the only one of which he was aware in this area was the gas station credit card thefts done by people inserting their own credit card readers into the gas pumps and getting your credit card information that way. He said that doesn’t mean more and different kinds aren’t taking place in this area but this is the only one of which he is currently aware.

            The chief, who is a real people person and is heavily involved in the community, said several old adages apply to us all. He said if it sounds too good to be true…it probably is (bogus). If something doesn’t sound or feel right you need to pay attention to you feelings. The chief said with all of the electronics available today new ways to cheat and scam you pop up all of the time. “That’s why we have to be personally responsible and aware of our surroundings” and who and what we are dealing with on a daily basis. He added if you think you are being solicited to be cheated or scammed to contact the police department and if they can’t do anything about it they may be able to guide you to an agency that may be able to help.

            We buy NOTHING over the phone and say so loud and clear and are on the “do not call” list for our home and cell phones. We do not buy from door-to-door peddlers and we don’t buy directly from questionable mail or email…period. We try to buy local whenever possible and only from reputable business that have been around for a while where ever they may be.

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

The Right Answer

 

 

This is a new version of happy endings with a corrected answer. You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS…The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’ Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to ‘Think Outside of the Box.’
HOWEVER…The correct answer is: To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama’s health care won’t pay for her hospital visit anyway. Have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, and then drive off with the old friend for a few beers. I just love happy endings! Remember, “Think Outside Of The Box.”

 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

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