November
25th 2010
Ted That’s Life #333 © (11-25-10)

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

                                                                     

 

  Help!

 

Don’t forget Monday’s night’s, Nov. 29, fund raiser for the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs at Bud’s Pub and Grill in Downtown Dixon. Tickets are $22 each for the highest quality meals in town and you have your choice of five dinners including a non-alcoholic drink. Tickets can be had at Bud’s, the Dixon Tribune, Dixon Florist, the American Legion, and Dixon Chiropractic or by calling me at 678-2203. Come along and eat well for a good cause.

 

 

Pregnant Turkey

 

(This is from a faithful reader) This is priceless – wouldn’t you love to do this. One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep…SHE’S BLONDE!

 

 

Get In On New $1,200 Water Softener Give-Away

 

In case you haven’t heard the City of Dixon will replace (actually it will have a real plumber replace) your old water softener at no cost to you and we, the taxpayers, will pick up the $1,200 tab. If you ever wondered what it was like to be a Democrat you can now find out just by putting your name on the waiting list. The city’s already blown a big wad but is about to infuse the program with another huge chunk so you might as well get yours.

You just have to have an old water softener, take a photo and a serial number of the old one, get on the list and get accepted and a plumber will come out and trade a new one for your old one. The city’s way of thinking is they can spend about $1,000,000 (yep, that’s one million dollars) to get rid of the salt producing old clunkers to save the city from getting fined about $3,000,000 for not controlling is salt releases into the wastewater system…So Demo up and get yours while you can. One of the guys you can call is Jake’s Plumbing at 707-249-6159, and have the local guy, Mr. Jacobs, put you on the list.

 
 

 I never knew this about Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in   Antarctica   – where do they go? Well wonder no more! It is a little known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
           If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
 “Freeze a jolly good fellow”
 “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
 Then they kick him in the ice hole.

           

 

 Soon on “Dancing with the Stars”
            Sneak Peek, don’t tell anyone…

 

 

Fairy tale

 
 

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess… “Will you marry me?” The Princess said “NO!”  And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.  The end.

 

 

My TSA Pat Down Experience
Now In Bumper Sticker Form
 

 

 

The Lawyer’s Party

 

(This is very interesting!  I never thought about it this way.  Perhaps this is why so many physicians are conservatives or Republicans. Thanks for sending it John.)

The Lawyers’ Party, By Bruce Walker…
 
 The Democratic Party has become the Lawyers’ Party. Barack Obama is a lawyer. Michelle Obama is a lawyer. Hillary Clinton is a lawyer. Bill Clinton is a lawyer. John Edwards is a lawyer. Elizabeth Edwards is a lawyer. Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate). Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school. Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in Congress: Harry Reid is a lawyer. Nancy Pelosi is a lawyer.
 
The Republican Party is different. President Bush is a businessman. Vice President Cheney is a businessman. The leaders of the Republican Revolution: Newt Gingrich was a history professor. Tom Delay was an exterminator.  Dick Armey was an economist. House Minority Leader Boehner was a plastic manufacturer. The former Senate Majority Leader Bill First is a heart surgeon. Who was the last Republican president who was a lawyer?  Gerald Ford, who left office 31 years ago and who barely, won the Republican nomination as a sitting president, running against Ronald Reagan in 1976. The Republican Party is made up of real people doing real work, who are often the targets of lawyers.
 
The Democrat Party is made up of lawyers.  Democrats mock and scorn men who create wealth, like Bush and Cheney, or who heal the sick, like First, or who immerse themselves in history, like Gingrich. The Lawyers’ Party sees these sorts of people, who provide goods and services that people want, as the enemies of America. And, so we have seen the procession of official enemies, in the eyes of the Lawyers’ Party, grow.
 
 
The United States has 5% of the world’s population and 66% of the world’s lawyers!  Tort (Legal) reform legislation has been introduced in congress several times in the last several years to limit punitive damages in ridiculous lawsuits such as “spilling hot coffee on yourself and suing the establishment that sold it to you” and also to limit punitive damages in huge medical malpractice lawsuits.  This legislation has continually been blocked from even being voted on by the Democrat Party.  When you see that 97% of the political contributions from the American Trial Lawyers Association go to the Democrat Party, then you realize who is responsible for our medical and product costs being so high!
 

 

INTERNET WARNING:

 

If you get an email titled “Nude Photo of Nancy Pelosi,” Don’t Open It . . . It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

 

 

Now I understand better!

 
 
I first became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:
 
Internal Revenue ‘ Service ‘
Immigration and Naturalization ‘ Service ‘
U.S. Postal ‘ Service ‘
Telephone ‘ Service ‘
Cable TV ‘ Service ‘
Civil ‘ Service ‘
State, City, County & Public ‘ Service ‘
Customer ‘ Service ‘
 
This is not what I thought ‘ Service ‘ meant. But today, I overheard two local ranchers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘ Service ‘ all his cows. BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us…You are now as enlightened as I am.

 

 

From the Email Bag…

 

Hello – As you are a man, it is unlikely (although not impossible) that you, yourself, have ever had a mammogram.  This might explain your error in your column of Nov. 19, 2010, where you describe the body position for a full body scan at the airport.  I quote you: “You put both hands over your head like you are having a mammogram”…   Well, no.  It’s not like that at all.

As a woman who has undergone the airport full body scan as well as a minimal ‘pat down’ AND who has had a mammogram annually for the past few decades, my experiences do not agree with your statement.

Your description of body and arm positions for the airport scan is correct.  But the arm (and upper body and head position) are distinctly different for a mammogram.  For the latter, only one arm is raised and grasps a vertical cylindrical piece of the machine while the other arm is either outstretched horizontally or remains at one’s side, depending on the particular machine and the skill of the operator.

It’s unnecessary to discuss the relative comfort or discomfort of each of these procedures, nor their individual purposes, as that was not the scope of your article.  But to be so ‘dismissive’ of the body and arm position of the body scan as being akin to that of the mammogram is simply incorrect…Cheers –L.E Dixon
(Ted’s answer: You are right. Linda has had many and described them as very uncomfortable and I used the example as an exaggeration to make a point. I know how they are done but, with a stretch, the two processes are kind of alike in my feeble little mind. Thanks for reading and writing.)

 

 The End!

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