Posted under That's Life Columns
Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com
New Super Shrimp Diet
You probably haven’t heard about this yet but there a new super quick diet that allowed me to lose over six pounds in less than 36 hours…Not kidding, it’s the truth.
It started Sunday night when we had shrimp from a 5 pound bag of frozen shrimp from Sam’s Club. One of mine tasted and smelled funny and I asked Linda if her’s appeared to be OK. She said he’s was fine so I ate the disgusting thing. In an hour or so my stomach started to hurt and by bed time early Monday morning I was sick as a dog. I felt like I had to barf but having only done so about once in each of the last six decades I laid there miserable fighting off the feeling. After about five hours the shrimp won and I started my first of 13 visits to worship the porcelain goddess. In about 36 hours I barfed out everything but my lungs and the last four or five trips were really tough since there was pretty much nothing left. Or yeah, the other end joined in on the party too.
My loving first wife Linda called Kaiser and when I tried to talk to the first advice nurse I asked if she could issue a euthanasia permit…to which she replied, “Sir, That’s illegal in California.” Later Linda got a doctor on the phone, who when asked the same question said, “My you must really be feeling bad.” But I wasn’t kidding.
They figured it was food poisoning and not the flu because I had no fever and asked if I could make it to Kaiser for an IV and anti-vomit shot. I said I didn’t think so. So they had Linda run to Vacaville and pick up anti-puke pills…Here it is on Thursday and I’m still weak and not eating but I did lose over six pounds…funny thing is I was going to go on the Kaiser diet on Monday to lose some weight.
So I’ve let the American Legion down with late news releases, my real estate clients with having to have the ever busy Kappel Manager Bill Allard do me a favor and help them and all other personal and business concerns have just gone on hold…but I did lose six pounds in only 36 hours.
We still have some of the shrimp left and I sell this miracle weight loss program for $5 each or we are going to use them for catfish bait.
I’ve never been so sick and wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…but I did lose six pounds. This is why the rest of this column is canned stuff…sorry but I have got to go back to bed.
Redneck Medical Dictionary
Rednecks have the lowest stress rate, because they do not take medical terminology seriously
You are going to die anyway, so live life ….
| Artery |
- |
The study of paintings |
| Bacteria |
- |
Back door to cafeteria |
| Barium |
- |
What doctors do when patients die |
| Benign |
- |
What you be, after you be eight |
| Caesarean Section |
- |
A neighbourhood in Rome |
| Cat scan |
- |
Searching for Kitty |
| Cauterize |
- |
Made eye contact with her |
| Colic |
- |
A sheep dog |
| Coma |
- |
A punctuation mark |
| Dilate |
- |
To live long |
| Enema |
- |
Not a friend |
| Fester |
- |
Quicker than someone else |
| Fibula |
- |
A small lie |
| Impotent |
- |
Distinguished, well known |
| Labour Pain |
- |
Getting hurt at work |
| Medical Staff |
- |
A Doctor’s cane |
| Morbid |
- |
A higher offer |
| Nitrates |
- |
Rates of Pay for Working at Night, > Normally more money than Days |
| Node |
- |
I knew it |
| Outpatient |
- |
A person who has fainted |
| Pelvis |
- |
Second cousin to Elvis |
| Post Operative |
- |
A letter carrier |
| Recovery Room |
- |
Place to do upholstery |
| Rectum |
- |
Nearly killed him |
| Secretion |
- |
Hiding something |
| Seizure |
- |
Roman Emperor |
| Tablet |
- |
A small table |
| Terminal Illness |
- |
Getting sick at the airport |
| Tumour |
- |
One plus one more |
| Urine |
- |
Opposite of you’re out |
From The Email Bag
Ted: Capitalism Akbar: After reading the headlines today about the US soldier who shot up Afghanistan civilians, I couldn’t help noticing an irony. There is all this clamor to try this guy quickly and execute him, never mind his having suffered a traumatic brain injury. Yet this Major Hasan, who shot up Fort Hood while screaming Allah Akbar, still hasn’t stood trial, and they are still debating whether he was insane, even with the clear evidence regarding his motive: slay as many infidels as possible. So we have a guy in a war zone that cracks, and he must be executed immediately. But this Muslim psychiatrist who was stateside in a nice safe office all day murders 13, wounds 29 of our own guys, and they try to argue the poor lad suffered post-traumatic stress syndrome, from listening to real soldiers who had actual battle experience. Two and a half years later, they still haven’t tried the murderous bastard. Mike Faubion
Ted: I sent this because you are old enough (?) to remember Rita Hayworth from her movies in the 1940s. Then, in 1977, the movie Saturday Night Fever was released…and the Bee Gees wrote the songs for the movie…including “Stayin’ Alive”! Great song! Here, Rita, Fred Astair and other great dancers of the ’40s are shown with the dancers of the mid 70s (using modern video technology), and the rhythmsand lyrics of Stayin’ Alive are just unbelievably correct for both periods of time! Go to:
| Rita Hayworth Is Stayin’ Alive – YouTube |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz3CPzdCDws P.C.Dixon
Hi Ted, We recently received an email about wasp spray and when following the link, came to your address. We are residing in South Africa and was wondering if you would be able to tell us where to get hold of it? Kind regards, Frank Cloet. (I emailed him back and gave him the answer).
Hey Ted, Watch the council meeting. Your friend Dane (Bassenette currently Dixon’s Vice Mayor) has a blue tooth attached to his ear. I guess he doesn’t want to miss an important call. XX, Dixon
Proofreading is a dying artwouldn’t you say?
Ted: Thought you would like these…This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was wrong.
- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really? Ya think?
*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
*Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
*War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
*If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
*Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
*Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
*Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K
After being married for forty years, Linda asked me to describe her. I looked at her for a while…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
“She asks…”What does that mean? I said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot, and Kind. She smiled happily and said…”Oh, that’s so lovely… What about I, J, K?” I said, “I’m Just kidding…The swelling in my eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving my testicles. Huum…she did fix the shrimp!























































