Archive for the 'That’s Life Columns' Category

June 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com ( on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For 680 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

“Hands on” history lesson this Saturday

 

Pictured : Karissa Alarcon,left, a YOLO Frontloaders member from Dixon is seen instructing Linda Hickman,of Dixon, how to fire a thompson center black powder rifle ( circa 1840’s). In the other photo Linda’s granddaughter, Kaylee, is seen in the foreground (blue sweatshirt) firing a black powder rifle also.

 

                   

 

The “YOLO FRONTLOADERS” black powder muzzle loader club announced its annual one-day seminar this coming Saturday, June 17, which is held each year to educate the public on everything you always wanted to know about primitive weapons like the ones used in the civil war and by the frontiersmen in early American history up to and including the Alamo.

Seriously, The half day event is both educational and instructive with hands on opportunities to load and fire a black powder weapons and receive expert instructions on how throw things like hunting knives and tomahawks. The event brings American frontier history alive and explains just how difficult survival was in the early days of our country. Bring the kids and come out to the Yolo County airport and find the Yolo Sportsman shooting range and make the kids leave the cell phones at home and let them see history come alive and experience some of it first hand.

It is a family friendly event bringing history alive, in a hand on way, according to club President Rick Bello, of Dixon. You and your family can try your hand at frontiersman Tomahawk and knife throwing and actually shoot a black powder rifle, this Saturday, June 17, at the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, between Davis and Woodland, California

The event will be held this Saturday, June 17, from 9 a.m. to approximately 1:30 p.m. with a donation of $10 Adult / $8 Child under 12 (which Includes lunch and shoot) At the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, Woodland, California opportunity to:

For more info contact: Rick Bello, President, (707) 693-6914 Tom Kulka, Vice President, (707) 853-5263 Dave Leonard, Shoot Director, (916) 722-2337 Scott Bell, Treasurer, (916) 599-5520 http://yolofrontloaders.com/

 

 

 

NRA Dinner in Dixon

To be held July 7th

 

Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner July7, from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club.

Tickets are now on sale at $60 each and can be purchased at Bud’s Pub and Grill or by calling Ed Coffelt at 67-2777 or the game club’s number at 678-9155 and leaving a message about how many tickets you want. A game club member will return your call and get your tickets for you. Tickets can also be purchased from any game club member. Seating is limited and only advanced sales are made for the event which usually sells out early.

There will be live and silent auctions, raffles, games with special hunts and safari packages up for grabs. As usual many new firearms will be available in the games, auction and raffle.

 

This is priceless!

 

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “greenthing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

 More things for thought

 

*I’m thinking seriously about recreating the rose petal scene from American Beauty… only it’ll be me, naked, covered in Milky Way and Snickers wrappers.

*I used to dream of the day when my toddler could poop and the entire neighborhood wouldn’t have to hear him say he was done.

*There are more and more designer dogs being bred like the cavapools, labradoodles, and chugs… when is someone going to cross a bulldog with a shih tzu? And call it…..?

*No, autocorrect, the bride was not wearing a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble… although she can be devilish at times.

*My girlfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the “clap” emoji… but I’m just trying to tell her I have an STD.

*When my once father-in-law to be asked me how I was preparing for the future I told him I was binge buying Monopoly games… in anticipation of the time they might make Monopoly money legal tender.

*Just went to see the movie Failure to launch… it was a North Korean documentary.

*My 4-year old brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around and I told him, loudly, to stop hitting people with his Woody… another parenting error.

*People say that the actor Forest Whitaker has a lazy eye…. the other one, however, is a real go-getter.

When e-mails tell me to ‘act now’ I immediately begin reciting lines from Shakespeare.

*My grandson was watching a re-run of The Flintstones for the first time… “They made a show about vitamins? This is dumb!”

*Having children teaches you patience, heartbreak, humility, love…. and to never, ever be surprised when you find a Barbie doll clogging the toilet.

*I would imagine that if you’re really proficient in Morse code going to a tap-dancing recital would be extremely disconcerting.

*Does anyone else find it somewhat suspicious that Lassie always seems to be near when some unsuspecting child falls down a well?

*When asked who inspires me I responded “peter piper”.  When asked “what does he do?”… I replied, “It’s hard to say”.

*The lights were low as her finger traced a scar on my arm. “How did this happen?” she whispered…softly I replied, “are you familiar with scrapbooking?”

*Did anyone else return to their alma mater with their liberal arts degree and ask for a refund… “this did not work as promised!”

*It’s amazing how much you can get away with just wearing an orange vest and a hard hat… I’ve been leaning on a shovel in the women’s rest room for hours.

*The same friends who use to pressure me to do drugs and drink alcohol as a teen are now pressuring me to eat chia seeds and do CrossFit.

*Isn’t it crazy how some people consider swimming a sport…when the only alternative to it is drowning?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me kick the damn cat off an expensive area rug… before she pukes. 

*Substitute teaching in a first grade class was not at all like the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

*I led her to the bedroom and told her “this is where the magic happens”… then 4 rabbits jumped out of a hat as a flower squirted water in her eye.

*Missed opportunity:  she wanted classy…….I thot she said gassy.

*I’m sorry I misunderstood and passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips look very robust now… does that sting?

*Before you ask, yes, you can make cheese from moose milk… and no, I didn’t think she’d spook quite so easily either.

*I once lip-locked the soft ice-cream dispenser at the Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop…  so yes, I know a little about rejection.

*In bed I’m like the energizer bunny… no one’s paid any attention to me since 1997.

*One thing on my bucket list was to have an array of nude photographs taken exposing all my body contours in a tasteful fashion… the clerk at the DMV wasn’t very co-operative.

*My dog always seems so happy and energetic so I took her meds to see if they would help me… at least I won’t have any fleas or ticks this summer.   #

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June 10th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #679 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

 

 

He plays another Trump card!

POTUS Trump pulls us out of the  Paris accord, where about 200 other nations signed a meaningless, toothless piece of paper pledging to do stuff; but left the bulk of the doing and funding to and on U.S. Trump tells them to shove it, the democrats do their “woe is me the sky is falling … he will be the end of us all.” The next day: ‘World leaders vow to boost efforts on global warming with the USA telling them they need to draw up a new and better, worthless document and a way of accomplishing goals WORLDWIDE.’ Our president, and shrewd businessman, said he will renegotiate a new and better agreement, where our country may lead and join, but not be the whole program. Isn’t this better than old milquetoast promising the world, and offering lots of our money to appease all of the other nations… NOW they’ve decided to play ball on an even ball field…

Another headline you need to search to find!

The lead headline reads… “Job market looks solid after 8 years of recession ended.” Who do you supposed the media credits with this… Pres Putin?


Why democrats need Anonymous sources to surive…

There are a couple of left winged, radical democratic Trump haters, given a special space in the Vacaville reporter to whine about how unfair it is to be on the losing end of an election where they got handed, and not to gently, their walking papers. This is the same couple that, week after week, complain about our president’s distorted and deluded views of the world… not like their, “ save us all logic.” Now they are whining about the public’s demand for creditability of putting your name where your words are. They want complete freedom for the fake news readers, including them to be able to do and say anything, blaming it on non-existent sources covered by the term anonymous sources. Like I had one of those sources tell me, these people are zealots and want to stomp on both the first and second amendments, blaming it on a source within Putin’s government working closely with Trump’s cousin?

They jabber about good journalist, but wouldn’t know one if they met one, because they don’t even have a clue about balanced news or fair and equal coverage… but this is what you get when you are reading their slanted crapolla.

 

The moronic inbred leader of N. Korea threatens us with one of his non-fizzling missiles and what does your president do? He sends up one of ours in that area and blasts it out of the sky as an example. I think maybe Kim Dum Do Do might be re-thinking trying to Launch a new one our way, my guess, it won’t make it far off the ground and deliver its pay load to his own people… How cool would that be?

 

Vacaville and Solano to become Sanctuary city/county?

Yep, that’s the word on the streets… Unfrigging believeable! All Vacaville elected and Solano County ones too, apparently, read the words but didn’t understand the oath of office they took…  WTF folks? The liberal disease is spreading to our common sense folks… woe is us!

 

More things for thought

*My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot… so I came back drunk.

Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages…….we just want to let them out and play with them.

There’s a fine line between being a lovable wise ass and a jerk…….and I seem to find a way to cross it every day.

 

Who’s the guilty one?  A wife is dreaming in bed and wakes up suddenly and shouts. “Quick, my husband is home!”…..this awakens her husband who gets up and jumps out the window.

Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fired!

What do women say when they are actually fine?

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like some guy dragging his butt across the floor?

I took my granddaughter shopping for back-to-school supplies and asked the clerk “what’s a good school binder for my girl here?”  He said, “Trapper keeper?”……..uh, no, she’s my granddaughter.

Naming that space movie “gravity” makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic park something like “there’s no dinosaurs in this”…

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding…….I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

We’ve recently been selling a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash that promises to kill germs while it moisturizes at the same time……..such violence and nurturing from the same product.

Colin firth has a younger brother…….Colin the second.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes……..would you pick me up some beer on your way back?

I just sprayed ‘fruit scented febreze’ in my bathroom……now it smells like shitrus.

It’s good to know that if they ever release a lion in Wal-Mart you only have to run faster than the fat lady in the zebra-print pants.

Popeye teaches us a basic lesson……..the best reason to eat healthy is revenge.

When our cable service goes out I pretend my bed is a boat and play life of pi with the damn cat.

The next time I’m responsible for some horrible disaster that kills thousands of people I’m going to tell the judge I “work in mysterious ways”……just to see how far it gets me.

John 3:16, mark 3:17, Luke 3:18……..it was a really close race.

A friend of mine told me an onion was the only food that could make you cry…….that was just before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I’m telling my grandkids not to do drugs or alcohol, there’s a time and a place for everything…….it’s called college.

I hate it when I offer a friend a sincere, heartfelt compliment on their mustache……and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.

A study shows that public speaking is people’s number one fear while death is number two…….this means if you go to a funeral you’d be happier in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Life expectancy would be a great deal longer if vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it…….chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and econo2 out of 3 isn’t bad……unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

The best part of an argument is the makeup sex……unless you’re fighting with your brother.

A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar……everyone else leaves.

my boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”……especially ‘cuz his name is Craig.

Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat!

Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life……but it’s not me.  I think you’re a fool.

Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”? Why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

One of the lights in my bathroom is out……I look at least 10 years younger.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “dad, you’re not funny!” I could buy a house at the beach……and live alone.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…….this is rarely a good thing.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.  My personality is who I am……my attitude depends on who you are.

If someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately……you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

My father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

The neighbors loved the music so much once I turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

If God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

If you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax…..just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt……..turns out it was deodorant.  

And how is your day going? My wife looks for signs I’m cheating……but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself 5 years from now when I can’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago. 

If Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other….so it actually was a happy ending. Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear…….red, or white?There are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but I could never string enough of them together to properly express how much I’d like to hit you with a chair.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring……bad analogy.

The neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday…….she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I was teasing my granddaughter and said “when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.”……..she replied, “You’re already grown up.  You’ll be dead soon.”

A new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs…….now I have to worry about testing positive for moms.

The first time I went to Vegas I was asked to leave the casino……I misunderstood what the crap table was for.  

A friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head…..that’s nothing.  Husbands sometimes go for years.

I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…….their head is safely protected by their ass cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

THESE SIMPLE TRICKS REALLY WORK!!

 

I check éd the out on Scopes and the are for real!

 Amazing, simple home remedies:

  1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.
  4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

 and always remember –

 Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

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June 3rd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #678 (6-2-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

Now is the time to SELL!

If you have been thinking about selling your home or rental now, like today, is the time to do it. We are in that other side of the market where demand has exceeded supply and bang! You have a seller’s market. It won’t last forever but will last a while, but to get top dollar and a quick sale I would do it as schools let out, a normal prime time for home sales.

I/we, C-21 real Estate will be glad to help you and the company and its agents have buyers.  You can call the local office at 678-9211 or me on my cell phone at 707-372-7007 or Ted Seifert at 707-365-9597 and tell him I told you to call. It’s time to maximize your profits from a sale. We just sold one in Woodland for a Dixon couple for over $450,000 and had multiple offers in short order.

 

Dammit I’m Mad

is

Dammit I’m Mad spelled backwards!

I’m not trying to beat a dead horse…

… Like I said I’m not trying to beat a dead horse or anything BUT… The so called “news media just keeps keeping on with their slanted, biased crap they spew out daily. From the editorializing “new reporters” on every Sacramento TV station, down to the Vacaville Reporter… they just keep spewing crap.

Not one of the “news readers” even has a clue how to write and honest story… just watch and listens carefully. Journalism 1-A beats into students, “who, what, when, where and how and Why…” listen and read their stuff and you’ll see the essentials missing,  many times replaced with their stupid opinions.

Just this past week the conservative hating Reporter from cow town ran this headline for a story… “More records, barley, as stocks rise for 7th day (what a crock). Had it been the media puppet Obama still doing his thing it would have read stock market sets records seven days in a row… see what I mean? 

Every day, especially in broad cast news you have to listen carefully and consider the source. The brain damaged Pelosi and Feinstein get big time coverage saying stupid stuff and Trump is pot shotted daily; even hourly.

Do me a favor and watch and listen carefully for just a week and you’ll see what I’m saying is true I have a whole folder of examples, but you are smart enough, if you take the time, to see through this attempted brain washing of America by the few that control everything you see, hear and read. And the news readers who call themselves “reporters” should be ashamed but they have to make q living don’t they? It’s the golden rule personified… “He who has the gold rules…” The rest of us can fight for the crumbs of truth and dollars.

 

More things for thought


I sure hope Hell freezes over soon……..several women have promised me a lot of action as soon as that happens.

It was a really sad day when I discovered my universal remote control did not, in fact, control the universe…….not even remotely.

 

When a woman is attracted to a man she speaks in a higher pitch than normal……which explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Barry White.

 

A true gentleman is a man who can play the accordion… but doesn’t.

 

I only attended this wedding because it’s being officiated by the bishop…          I’ve always wanted to observe a person who only moves diagonally.

Always had the worst luck as a kid.  Jumped into a haystack… got a needle stuck in my ass!

Be decisive.  Right or wrong always make a decision…the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

HER:  “I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully”… PASTOR:  “and I understand the groom has also written his own vows.”

“It’s the small things that make me the happiest!”…….enthusiastic microbiologist.

Every time I put my debit card in the ATM I say a little prayer that some fool has accidentally transferred millions of dollars into my account……please! Somebody be that stupid! Please! 

Always remember every problem is an opportunity to create an even bigger debacle.

This day in history 2005:  Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses…….or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I pick up my dog’s poop with an empty Snicker’s wrappers……what I do with it after that is strictly on a ‘need to know’ basis.

Don’t half-ass anything……whatever you do always use your full ass.

There are two ways of arguing with a woman…….neither one of them works!  

If I ever offend you cry me a river, and I shall appear bringing snacks and a raft.  I will literally float down a river of your tears…….chewing beef jerky and working on my tan.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Thot I might do well competing on the American Ninja Warrior reality show………then I tripped over a throw rug and subsequently put that dream to bed.  

Been there, done that…….then been there several more times because apparently I never learn.

when you think about how huge the earth is…..and yet how it’s just a fraction of the size of the sun……which in turn is just a speck of dust in the overall universe…….it’s pretty easy to rationalize eating a whole pan of brownies.  

I’m not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower………or if he took one look at me naked and jumped willingly to his death.

 

You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat……..hoping to connect with a kid.

Were you aware that you can be asked to leave the gym if you use a laser pointer to highlight the areas people should work on? Well, you can.

What’s the hardest part of dating a blind girl…….getting her husband’s voice right?

I took some of these male enhancement pills in order to “be a better man”……..however, as of yet I’ve not noticed any significant improvement in earning ability, athleticism or parenting skills.

A giant rabbit died on an airline flight.  a short, bald man wearing a funny hat is being questioned……..but he’s being “very, vewy quiet”.

It was a three-way stand-off……..a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner and a dog with a loaf of bread.

Once, in everyone’s life, you come across that one special person…….that makes you think the prison food just might be worth it.

It’s a good thing that they specify uses for all of our brushes…….differentiating things like a toothbrush from a toilet brush and get very confusing.

In the midst of a very romantic kiss she asked in breathy whisper “do you want to take my shirt off?”……..and I replied, in a similar breathy whisper, “I’m not wearing your shirt!”

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May 27th 2017
that’s life©1966 #677 (5-26-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Why do you get off work or school on Monday?

 

Linda Hickman is seen at the Sacramento Valley NATIONAL Cemetery In rural Dixon by her father’s resting place, USF Major Ben Hgerman was among the first to be interned there Now the numbers have skyrocketed to about 20,000. If you have never been there take  the kids and go and  explain why they have the day off.

  1. Memorial Day

Holiday

Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering the people who died while serving in the country’s armed forces. The holiday, which is currently observed every year on the last Monday of May, originated as Decoration Day after the American Civil War in 1868, when the Grand Army of the Republic, an organization of Union veterans founded in Decatur, Illinois, established it as a time for the nation to decorate the graves of the Union war dead with flowers. By the 20th century, competing Union and Confederate holiday traditions, celebrated on different days, had merged, and Memorial Day eventually extended to honor all Americans who died while in the military service. It marks the start of the unofficial summer vacation season, while Labor Day marks its end Wikipedia..

Why do we get the day off?

  1. TO memorialize the brilliant silver-spon in- the mouth libertards graduating from college  that walked out on the Vice President of the United States as he gave the commencement Address. How proud their parents and the school must have been… hopefully all of the school’s donors will pull their contributions and the  horrible U.S. government will  pull all future  funding and grants .Then today can be a memorial for the school, the parents and their genetically deficient offspring  for their total  lack of manners and class
  2. Throw in the local bunch at Bezerley and a UC system that lets the inmates run the nut House…then you an have a memorial day for the death of common sense education in this country

More things forThought 

Sacramento Lawyers suck ; their TV ads are embarrassing.

I need a bumper sticker that says “my kid is smarter than you’re kid”… in an attempt to flush out the grammar nazis in the neighborhood.

  1. my wife said i’m way too immature and if i don’t hurry and grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us… tee hee hee, erect.
  2. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times………me with beer, me without beer.
  3. my son hunted for part of our family dinner tonite…..with steady nerves and a calm focus he tracked down the hot dog buns at the grocery store.
  4. Marla Maples has come out strongly in favor of border security…….she lost her job to an immigrant.
  5. the world health organization has stated that eating bacon greatly increases your chances of getting cancer…..statistics also show that not eating bacon greatly increases your chances for blowing yourself up.
  6. when i inevitably choke to death on gummy bears i hope people will just say i was killed by bears…..and leave it at that.
  7. if a gorilla shot an alligator with an AR-15 to save a muslim refugee child while their transgender parent was in the bathroom the internet would go silent as everyone struggled to figure out what side they’re supposed to be on.
  8. breaking news:  man in boxer shorts leads police on brief chase.
  9. how come zombies move really slowly….but everyone runs from them as fast as they can yet never seem to escape?
  10. i just got a call during dinner from an aggressive charity guy who said “little lucita has to walk 15 miles to the river to fetch clean water.  what do you think about that?”……..i said lucita’s family should move closer to the damn river.  
  11. not too brag, but i always go to the hottest cashier…….and she always checks me out.
  12. me:  in 1923 W.C.Fields said, “it ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to”…..the Starbucks kid said, “sir, i just need to write something on the cup!”
  13. i’m sure i can’t be the only one who worries about where spiders go in winter.
  14. apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on please draw them evenly” wasn’t the tip this waitress was expecting.
  15. instead of donating my body to science i’ve decided to donate it to whomever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
  16. sometimes i correctly spell a word that i fully expected to misspell…….then i’m forced to type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working properly.
  17. one of the largest proponents of inappropriate innuendo has died…….his family is taking it really hard.
  18. anteater kid:  mom, what’s for dinner?…….anteater mom:  don’t be a smartass, Brandon!
  19. spelling bee judge:  your word is ‘arson’……contestant:  could you use it in a sentence?……judge:  you’re not ‘arson’, you were adopted.
  20. does it get bigger?……..how to ruin a romantic interlude with only four words.
  21. there’s a woman sitting next to me on the bus reading her Bible……i’m fighting the urge to lean over and tell her He dies at the end.
  22. if Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman……does that mean he’s blind as a bat?
  23. if you’ve already died hard how is it possible to die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard …….and then find a good day to die hard again?
  24. college kids prayer:  dear lord, thank you for these noodles i’m about to eat and for the great price i got buying them at Costco…..Ra-Men!
  25. adrenaline does really crazy things to the human body.  i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly was overcome with a surge of energy…….so i went to the gym.
  26. i was born a woman……..which came as a tremendous shock to my parents who were expecting a baby.
  27. taking my sunglasses out of a two-year old’s hands while he naps in the car is probably the closest i will ever come to defusing a bomb.
  28. me:  Jee-zus! honey, get the kids inside, NOW!  wife: why? what’s wrong… me:  just get the damn kids inside! and i begin to run………just then the bee flies off the lens of my binoculars.  
  29. why are they called “condoms” and not “woody hoodies”?

 

 

 

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May 19th 2017
that’s life©1966 #676 (5-19-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman feel free to email: tedhick@gmailcom

What did you do last week? Huh?

Where do you start when the punch line is: “I had a stroke and it saved my life?”  Literally, I did, it did!

 

This is what I sent to the publisher last week and he called jokingly saying, “Did you have a stroke or what?”   Here is what I had sent him…. the not so funny joke was we found out I indeed had a stroke… let me back up a bit…

This is what I sent to the publisher last week and he called jokingly saying, “did you have a stroke or what?…”   Here is what I had sent him….”Ou’ve heard ofg ca cadver dogs, right? You’ver herd of tyruffle szxnighgging frogs, az,d xszrug snigging fogs, ande dogs thzt retreive3 deuck nd geezsxe, aznd  sdfofd gstht re trineqd tyo find bout anaything right?

Elow you cn see a youg b ritttany pointe3r pup getting smellsx of wiwwldassaagraS]and then ‘pointing’ it out in the field.” I don’t even know how you get that off a standard keyboard?

In retrospect the not so funny joke was, we found out later I indeed had a stroke…  let me back up a bit…

On Thursday, April 13th I had just had a rapidly accelerated surgery for cataracts on both eyes and optic implants to bring my vision back to near normal… everything went well and the surgeon and nurses proved once again to be superior.

Move the calendar ahead to two o’clock Tuesday, May 3rd actually Wednesday like 2.a. m. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head on the dresser and then my head banged into the wall. Here’s where I got a little fuzzy; but I insisted we go to Woodland later that day to get a birthday gift for Linda because her birthday was the next day, May 4, I drove and while there, at Costco I lost the car keys twice and one of my $2,500 hearing aids.

∙        As we got ready to go, I found I couldn’t’ tie my shoelaces in a bow and then couldn’t button my shirt. I offed it as probably a minor concussion, while Linda insisted we go directly to the hospital. I said I was ok.

∙        The next day, May 4th I took her and her mother to Cache Creek and our sons joined us for a luncheon buffet…. But the friggin buffet was closed… so things still weren’t going well. While there every time I reached my left hand into my pocket, I was dropping $20 bills and Linda and my sons followed behind gathering up money. Everything I had in my left hand I dropped. One son noticed the fingers on the left hand were slightly curled and the other son said one eye was slightly closed. They said, “sorry mom but that’s it and off we went to Kaiser Vacaville E.R.

The question was, was  it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right brain side stroke (which affects your left side) and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other artery back in 2005 (which was still clear) and set an appointment for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

 

∙                             So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, to fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually 96% closed and beginning to clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, as planned it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport. Updated:

 

On Thursday, April 13th I had just had a rapidly accelerated surgery for cataracts on both eyes and optic implants to bring my vision back to near normal… everything went well and the surgeon and nurses proved once again to be superior.

Move the calendar ahead to two o’clock Tuesday, May 3rd actually Wednesday like 2.a. m. When I got up to go to the bathroom, I slipped and hit my head on the dresser and then my head banged into the wall. Here’s where I got a little fuzzy; but I insisted we go to Woodland later that day to get a birthday gift for Linda because her birthday was the next day, May 4, I drove and while there, at Costco I lost the car keys twice and one of my $2,500 hearing aids.

∙        As we got ready to go, I found I couldn’t’ tie my shoelaces in a bow and then couldn’t button my shirt. I offed it as probably a minor concussion, while Linda insisted we go directly to the hospital. I said I was ok.

∙        The next day, May 4th I took her and her mother to Cache Creek and our sons joined us for a luncheon buffet…. But the friggin buffet was closed… so things still weren’t going well. While there every time I reached my left hand into my pocket, I was dropping $20 bills and Linda and my sons followed behind gathering up money. Everything I had in my left hand I dropped. One son noticed the fingers on the left hand were slightly curled and the other son said one eye was slightly closed. They said, “sorry mom but that’s it and off we went to Kaiser Vacaville E.R.

The question was, was  it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right brain side stroke (which affects your left side) and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other artery back in 2005 (which was still clear) and set an appointment for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

∙                             So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, to fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually 96% closed and beginning to clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, as planned it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport. Updated:

The question was, was it a stroke and if so did the stroke cause the fall or the fall cause the stroke? After 36 hours in the E.R. one CT scan, two MRI’S and an EKG, they decided that it was a right side stroke and it probably caused the initial fall. They were concerned I had fractured my neck and during an MRI (to check for a fracture) they found my left carotid artery was 75% occluded and the two ER doctors consulted with a surgeon and then consulted with Vallejo’s DR. George Papanicolaou, a vascular surgeon who had done my other (right side) artery back in 2006 (which was still clear) and set an appointment with him for Monday, May 8th at 10:30 am in Vallejo.

∙        So, poor Linda spent her birthday in the Vacaville ER and they held me in the hospital until Saturday the 6th.

∙         I got out of Kaiser Vacaville on Saturday, May 6th and had until Monday morning to deal with what was happening.

∙        Now, fast forward to Monday morning; when we went into see the doctor he had already reviewed the films and his first words to Linda and my sons was “he’s not going home.” He explained the MRI’s and CT scan from Vacaville were read as 75% occluded but the left artery was actually at least 96% closed and had bad plaque and a clot. He said surgery was necessary ASAP and had to happen in the next few days. He then said “I’m admitting you right now for surgery in the morning (Tuesday) at 10am…. So I’m out of the hospital for two days in Vacaville and right back in in Vallejo, with a dire prognosis. The surgery, which normally would take 2 to 3 hours, took about 4½ when the artery disintegrated. Instead of cleaning out the artery, it collapsed and he had to be removed and replaced with an artificial one. He said had I/we/he waited another day or two, it may have been too late because either the clot or plaque could have gone straight to my brain and the results would have been catastrophic. All of this happened because of the stroke and the diagnostics that took place. Without the CTscan , MRI’s and EKG’s sounds like I might be writing this from a warmer sport.

Carotid arteries are present on the left and right sides of the body.  These arteries originate from different arteries, but follow symmetrical courses. The right common carotid originates in the neck from the brachiocephalic trunk; the left, from the aortic arch in the thorax. They split into the external and internal carotid arteries at the upper border of the thyroid cartilage, at around the level of the fourth cervical vertebra.

Car  These arteries originate from different arteries, but follow symmetrical courses. The right common carotid originates in the neck from the brachiocephalic trunk; the left, from the aortic arch in the thorax. They split into the external and internal carotid arteries at the upper border of the thyroid cartilage, at around the level of the fourth cervical vertebra.

 

∙        It has been really gratifying to know so many people were genuinely concerned about my well being.  I was left with a little weakness on my left side and my brain was able to rewire to allow me to tie my shoes and button my shirt within three days. The stroke kills brain cells in the area it occurs and the magical brain will rewire itself given proper time, medication and changes to lifestyle. It was an incredible experience, one which I would choose not to repeat, but all in all from the second I fell until I returned home again it was the doctors and nurses at Kaiser Vallejo and Vacaville that were responsible for my still being here so if you have a problem with that, take it up with them. They are great, dedicated professionals.

∙        I missed my second Dixon Boat Club meeting,  Dixon Game Club meeting and the first May Fair and May Fair parade since the mid 1960’s… I guess it all went well without me. The grandkids all sold their animals and no one really knew I wasn’t there. I didn’t even break my string of never having missed a city council meeting in over 14 years. Now things are about back to normal with just a little weakness on my left side but all-in-all a remarkable rapid recovery considering what my body has gone through in just a matter of weeks My typing still needs a little work and I have to lower my stress, but at least I can read what I write!

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April 28th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #672 (4-28-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 

I Want To Apologize…

          I want to apologize for Dixon’s young, misguided and confused city council person, Devon. He obviously has many issues and problems, not the least being misguided by his mentor, mommy and daddy. He just cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars with his prank of abusing a city policy regarding council person’s behavior. He was allowed, by law, to file false charges against me even though the City Attorney Doug White, and a “Brown Act” expert, Ourania Riddle, told him in advance he was wrong and there was no violation of closed session information “leakage”… other than Minnema getting caught doing exactly what he had accused me of… and witnessed by two independent citizens in the city council chambers. He told his parents in the audience what was going on in a closed session and was admonished in a letter from the city attorney letting HIM know it was a criminal act and to cut it out. To this our Mensa boy said, paraphrased, “There’s no violation of closed leaking session information if I wasn’t in the closed session”… Duh, and this is what we, the rest of the council, must deal with. The Mayor Thom, Vice Mayor Scott, and Councilman Steve made up the “jury” all three voted to shoot the junior council member down after being told by the city attorney, as junior was in advance, he approved the article I wrote before it was published.

He isn’t entirely to blame. His mommy spoke up again spewing the same venom filled rhetoric which wasn’t even pertinent enough to earn a response. She has been grooming her boy since early childhood writing speeches for him and forcing him to go to Tea Party rallies and speak and wave the flag, while others his age were out playing soccer of baseball or something.  Her life’s goal was to get him elected since she couldn’t get elected herself and is an angry woman who has an unnatural and unwarranted hatred for me personally.

Couple this with Mike Ceremello mentoring this young guy and Devon not being smart enough to see through either Mike, or his mom, for their real motivations and you have what we have… a mess.

            He even embarrassingly went to social media (see screen shot) again trying to turn out his troops to support him in his destined failed attack on me and it, like him, embarrassingly flopped too. To show you how misguided this poor boy is look at his web posting the night before the meeting where he even illegally included the logo of the VFW? WTF? Figure out that one yourself. He loves his title doesn’t he?

To his discredit he was able to marshal the troops and his whole support team showed up… one maybe two people who did not speak on his behalf… except mommy spoke for her son… “I’m Devon’s mom”… How embarrassing. He took his time before the three member council to explain the bogus charges he had filed against me by trying to justify the reportedly three criminal investigations going on against him; the Grand Jury, the D.A’s office and the State Attorney General all looking into the fact about the truthfulness of his residence at the time he pulled papers out to run for office. He, nor any of his immediate family members, have been willing to give a sworn affidavit attesting to the truth of his stories… and that’s what all of this was about… to diffuse the possibility of charges hanging over his head by putting the spotlight on me for something that never occurred…. And he knew the charges were wrong and still put on his dog and pony show…at the taxpayer’s expense.

I feel bad for the people that voted for him and hope he’ll see the light and quit his high school shenanigans and try to represent the people who wasted a vote on him because he “a good talker”. He can talk and sing good… you just have to be a good listener to see through the spoon fed crap coming out of his mouth or watch his mentor signal him (yes or no) from the audience with head movements  at council meetings to see just how empty his tank really is.

So he’s got two + strikes against him with me, and others I guess. One for lying and show boating, claiming I elbowed him in the head squeezing behind his chair at a council meeting. He gave an exaggerated Hollywood reaction to me passing behind his chair and his mommy took a three second clip from a video that made it look like I may have touched him, which of course I didn’t… which worked until everyone looked at the rest of the video and saw I had to do the exact same thing to get by the two other councilmen because of the lack of space between the chairs and the wall. I loudly asked him Tuesday if he is still lying to people about me making contact with his head and asked him to fess up. I said, “If I were to elbow you in the head to would be on the ground and not feigning a ghost blow”… Then he cried, “Another threat, did anyone one hear him threaten me?” to which no one replied. He’s trying to play the “He’s picking on me, feel sorry for me because I’m just a kid- card, when I should be Trumping him with “This is senior abuse. I am the senior member of the council and your disrespect it not acceptable”.

Lie number two was this whole performance Tuesday to let many people know, who didn’t before, that he is under criminal investigation… oh wait, no, he already used his platform against me to do that. What he was supposed to do was prove the “charges” he made against me… but he forgot and got on his soap box about how he is being an abused “minority”… All of his “evidence” he presented worked against him… clever huh?

Again I can only apologize and assure the public the four mature members on the council will work with Junior when we can, and will ignore him he acts like the person his team wants him to be, and get on with our business. Now you know the documented truth and can ignore future “fake news”.

 

SACRAMENTO, CA

 

Readers of Travel & Leisure magazine have voted Sacramento the second least attractive city in America. But, according to the article, readers had a few good things to say about the city as well:

Sacramentans don’t earn high marks for their looks, but readers did give them an A for effort. They received a perfect score for being active, which is easy to do in California’s state capital, just two hours from Lake Tahoe and Yosemite. Closer to home, Discovery Park, north of downtown, has 275 acres of riverfront forest and recreation fields.”  (I think Daryl Steinberg has a lot to do with this as the country’s ugliest mayor in both appearance and giving away taxpayers dollars.)

Baltimore, MD was voted the nation’s least attractive city. Also appearing on the list were, Tampa, FL, Milwaukee, WI and Cleveland, OH.

 

S’more Things For Thought

*Good judgement comes from experience… and experience? Well, that comes from poor judgement.

*See a penny pick it up; all day long you’ll have… a nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a hand washer.

*Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero… but bring a bag lady home from the shelter to babysit the kids and everyone loses their crap.

*I replaced the broken handle on my recliner… it’s very important to keep one’s fitness equipment in tip-top shape.

*If you stand by and let someone ruin their life than you are part of the problem… yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar.

*I want a sex change… from “none” to “some”.

*The older I get the more I appreciate being at home not doing a darn thing.

*Having sex with a health care professional makes you immune to the common cold, influenza, malaria, SARS, Ebola, Pneumonia, general bitchiness and smallpox… for your own safety sleep with a health care professional!

*CNN reports that hurricane Earl “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages along the Mexican coast with equal ferocity”… did they expect wealth-based discernment?

*I find myself home alone this afternoon and the refrigerator seems to be making weird noises… I think the beer wants out.

*It was so hot today I went by to see the ex… just for the cold shoulder and the icy stare.

*Bought the wife a refrigerator for her birthday which is really kinda a lousy gift… but you should have seen her face light up when she opened the door.

*I’m pretty sure it’s called a jury of your “peers” because everybody pees.

* Linda says, “Marriage is caring for someone so much that you forgive them if occasionally they’re just the most annoying ass in the world”.

*The guys who measure and install the granite counter tops in your kitchen were probably really pissed when they found out the term “counterfeiters” was taken.

*There is absolutely no excuse for laziness… but if you should happen to find one, share it with me.

*Sometimes even after all these years I wake up and look over at my wife sleeping peacefully beside me and think… “Man, is she lucky!”

*Some days I feel like I’m making a difference… other days I feel about as useful as a lifeguard at the Olympic swimming events.

*Just because I know I could get more done if I got up earlier doesn’t mean I have any intention of ever trying it.

*I learned something new today.  Kitchen sex can be very spontaneous and exciting… and the kitchen staff at Denny’s are quite narrow minded.

*My weight loss goal is really kind of simple… I just want to be able to lie near the peaceful shoreline without those pesky marine biologists dumping buckets of water over me.

*He wiped away her tears… and, unfortunately, her eyebrows as well.

*If I work out for the next four years… when the next Olympics come around I think I could get up off the couch on the first try.

*When viewed as a piece of “performance art” Trump’s campaign rapidly approached “Andy Kaufman’s wrestling women” status.

*Do you, Sue, take John, the optometrist, to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or worse?  Better… or worse? Better…or worse?

*So you’re stranded on an island and you can bring three items.  What would they be… Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal hanging from the end of it.

*I don’t understand people who practice polygamy… who would want more than one mother-in-law?

*My luck… it’s similar to a bald guy who just won a tortoise-shell brush and comb set as a door prize.

*I love bacon.  So much so that sometimes I eat it twice a day… it helps me keep my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep having.

*Imagine if you will. You’re living alone.  Sometime in the middle of the night you hear a fart, not your own… what will you do?

 

 

#

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April 21st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #671 (4-21-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What Did You Do Last Week?

I Can See!

The Kaiser Vacaville PR department was supposed to give me permission to use the photo of me and the my lovely nurse but didn’t get back to me (I guess because they were so busy doing something?) so I edited the photo to what she may have looked like when I came out of the happy juice.

                                                                                       

Because of my failing eyesight and loss of night vision, like all of a sudden, over the past year or so, and a recent scare, I had scheduled April 27th to have double cataract and optic implants surgery. Let me back up a minute. About a month ago I was given floor tickets to take our grandson to see the Kings play in the new arena. Without thinking I thought, “What a great experience for him”. And it was. He got Kings Autographs and high fives from the whole Timberwolves team as they left the floor after mopping the Kings up with it… but I digress.

So we went to Sac in the daylight but as I was driving out of downtown in the dark to hit the freeway I quietly freaked out because I couldn’t see the lanes or farther than 50 yards ahead clearly, and had to drive across the bypass between two cars just to make it across… It scared the carp out of me… and not much scares me. I’ve jumped out of a plane, walked on the bottom of the ocean, fell off a cliff and been shot at… but this scared me knowing if I didn’t bring our grandson home his parents would probably be miffed and my first wife Linda would probably unhappy about losing the pickup.

So I call Kaiser and started the multi-appointment process that leads up to seeing the surgeon. I decided to have both eyes done at once for the cost, convenience and the fact I didn’t want to go through it twice. I/we went into see the doctor for a pre-op appointment on the 11th and while in his office he had a cancelation and asked if I would like to move my date up to the 13th at 1:30. I said, “Sure” why think about it for two more weeks. Then doctor called later and said they had another cancellation for 7:30 am on the same day. He asked if I wanted that… I said “Sure let’s get it over with”. So a week ago Thursday I underwent surgery on both eyes and had little implants (like tiny contact lenses) stuck in my eyeballs. No pain, no problem and when I awoke fully I had my old 20/20 vision and night vision back… Wow.

The moral of all of this is when I wrote about my carotid artery surgery and advised people to have their necks check apparently many did and several said checking made a big change in their lives. The same goes for this. It was less traumatic than a dentist appointment, painless and gives immediate results, at least in my case. So… if you have failing sight or your night vision in one the wane…get to a surgeon specializing in correction and get it done… your quality of life WILL be better, I promise.

Important Misc. Stuff

Congressman connection…

            Told you recently about our recent former Mayor Jack Batchelor, now serving as a “Field Representative” for U.S. Congressman John Garamendi and I would give you his contact info. Here it is: 1261 Travis Blvd. Suite 130, Fairfield, Ca. 94533. You can phone at 707-438-1822, Fax 707-438-0523 or email at Jack.Batchelor@mail.house.gov. The web page is www.garamendi.house.gov. Now you/we have a friend with a minority foot in the White House… but it’s still a foot.

Midway Road Bridge To Go May 18th

Get this… Cal Trans will be demolishing the I.S. 80/Midway Rd Bridge that crosses the freeway starting May 19. Yep, they say they are going to destroy it and haul it away and put a new one in its place. I.S. 80 will be closed in both directions for a while and that won’t cause much of a problem… the National Cemetery may be hard to get to/from for out of towners. After several months when the new bridge is in place they plan to upgrade the Meridian Road overcrossing bridge and they will close it for a while. If you use those roads or live in that area you better go to the Cal Trans web site and look for D4/80Midwaymeridianbridge.The price tag? A mere $11,828,000… and change…. such a deal huh? We can’t get pot holes or freeway on ramps paved.

State’s Transgender Trend Setter Gets A Razor

 

As a follow up to my past coverage… The first U.S. inmate to have a taxpayer funded sex change operation (what from California, who’d a thunk it?) was having trouble so she/he, with a court appointed attorney now doubt, filed papers with the court to have a razor and won. Shiloh Quine, the 57 year-old convicted murderer has moved into the general population at the Central California Women’s Facility and has been granted a razor after he/she filed suit saying her/his facial hair was making the transition to life as a woman more difficult…Oh the inhumanity, what beasts the California prison system possesses to abuse this gal/guy so. I’m starting a fund for just razor blades for poor murderer Shiloh to help make her/his plush life in prison more… I can’t go on this is just too distressing.

I-Hop-Hopped out of Town for Easter

I-Hop restaurant followed Chevy’s and hopped out of town just before Easter. I hear the building was sold and something is afoot for that location. Anyway they are flat as a pancake and toast.

Putah Creek Council Hires New CEO

The Putah Creek Council recently hired Kent Anderson as its new executive officer. Besides coming from the valley, graduating from Chico State in 2006, and having worked with Ca. fish and game he worked for various organizations on conservation and LGBT rights and education. Most recently he was the deputy XO for the San Francisco LGBT Pride. His background may put a different slant on wildlife and conservation. Go to Putah Creek Council on the internet if you want more info.

More Things For Thought 

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies… I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders.

I’m a vegetarian for health reasons… now please pass the chili-cheese fries.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word “sit” means… however, if I’m holding a treat he can perform brain surgery.

Seeking Siamese twin midgets for a frolic in a tub of mayonnaise… no freaks, please.

I’ve never understood how women can fall in the toilet… I always look closely at something before planting my bare ass on it.

Divorce changes you… for instance, it makes you single.

Girls are supposed to dance… that’s why god gave them parts that jiggle.

Am I the only one to nickname the neighbors… the “red truck dude”, “granny with the rose bushes” and “the douche bag next door“?

Excuse me, you’ve got something on your chin… no, not that one.  The third one down.

In the 21st century deleting history has been more important than making it.

You remember those cute little idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating… after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.

What’s the difference between a smart ass and a wise ass?… a smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is, a wise ass can just tell you it’s going to be cold.

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in a big argument and try to waddle away angrily you still look adorably cute.



Let me get this straight.  Every day 15.8 million American children go hungry while American corporations are stashing $2.1 trillion overseas to avoid paying taxes… but pressing 1 for English is what pisses you off?

Single and divorced men in their mid-forties are said to prefer women at their own maturity level… which explains why they date women half their age.

The wife said there was a man at the door with a beard… I told her “tell him I’ve already got one.”

Tell someone you love them today because life is short… but scream it at them in German ‘cuz life is also terrifying and confusing.

Life tip:  never roll your eyes when renewing your wedding vows.

If you ever feel like a complete moron… never forget I texted the wife this morning to tell her she left her cell phone at home.

I just found a mole on my shoulder… I’ve no clue how he got out of the garden but he’s kinda cute.

Guess it’s time to get up and get going… today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

Kids these days are really out of touch… they wouldn’t even know to be concerned if they heard banjo music while canoeing.

Every once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them… they’re trouble, stay away from them.

Sex ed didn’t mention how much apologizing there would be.

I test drove a jaguar today.  It was very fast but really bumpy, and the saddle almost fell off… and I think he tried to bite me.

The secret to happiness is a great sense of humor… and a dirty mind.

If we ever find ourselves in a situation where I am the voice of reason… we’re in a pretty awful situation.

Had a patient refuse a flu shot today… said he needed the few days off from work and enjoyed returning looking like he’d had a gastric bypass.

Does anyone else miss slamming the phone down?… somehow, angrily pressing “end” just doesn’t do it.

 

 

*A friend asked how the diet was going.  “Not good” I replied, “I had eggs for breakfast”… she asked, “scrambled?”… “No. Cadbury.”

*Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night… and the only one drinking during church.

*Stop talking so much about being sad all the time.  And use a bigger word like ‘despondent’… at least people will think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

*I recently cross-bred an octopus and a panda… call me if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

*Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk… because who holds their cell phone up to their head anymore?

*Based on the amount of laundry in piles in the hall I have to assume that there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

*I have this really neat 94 year-old customer who just told me she’s been watching the “game of thongs” show… migawd!  I hope she’s just saying it wrong!

*When the wife asks if you think it’s possible to love someone forever… “If I ever find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

*Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

*Been following the gorilla/zoo thing… what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in Ohio? (I’m from Dayton).

*I appreciate you confiding in me and I would offer some words of wisdom but I have never been called wise… without the word ‘ass’ following shortly behind it.

*Growing up I couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and be able to do whatever I wanted… then I screwed that up and got married.

*To my surprise the at-home DNA kit is not a good baby shower gift.

*I’d walk thru fire for my wife. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous.  But a super humid room maybe… but not too humid, because after all, my hair.

*Probably the worst thing about being attacked by a pack of wild hyenas would be listening to them giggle while they eat you.

*Fun fact:  If you hear small children running around and laughing loudly… within two minutes at least one of them will be lying on the floor crying hysterically.

*I thought the wife was super-pissed at me but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me… oh, thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there.

*The pizza theorem: all pizzas must be circular.  They will then be cut into triangulated pieces and placed in a square box.

*I don’t really care who dies in a movie… as long as the dog lives.

*After a failed college project to fight hunger Clark decided to focus his efforts on fighting crime… thereby dropping a “p” from his previous title of Supperman.

*This whole “having a job” crap is really preventing me from living the best life possible.

*The dog’s getting pretty old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog crap in the neighbor’s yard when she can’t make it over there.

*The trainer at the gym asked me “how’s your nutrition?” at the same time I was dipping my taco bell burrito in banana custard… I replied: “I’m not going to lie.  It’s been worse.”

*Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than three cars parked outside I keep going… in case it’s an intervention.

*A sales rep just told us about a new pregnancy test that’s curved so you don’t get pee on your hand… if you’re not ready to get pee on your hand you’re definitely not ready for motherhood.

*If I ever say “I got this” when I’ve been drinking I totally don’t have it… and you should probably help me with whatever I’m doing before I hurt myself.

*Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice… some girls are made of barley and hops and a pair of flip flops.

*Why hasn’t one of those Pinterest chick’s figured out how to put grapes in a crockpot and 6 hours later you have wine… it’s like they’re not even trying!

*All I really want at this stage of my life is to lose weight and gain money… but I find I’m gaining weight and losing money.

*You don’t get a body like mine overnight… it takes years of moderate drinking, neglect and numerous damaging behaviors.

 

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April 14th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #670 (4-14-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Get Out And Smell The Roses…

(Unfiltered photo by Trey Hickman on Liberty Island Rd in rural Dixon)

You know, today being Good Friday and all, I started thinking about the good things we have in our lives. As your vision fades as you age you need to have gotten out and around more to have visual memories (or iPhone photos lol) to look back on.

I’m fortunate to have seen many hundreds of marvelous sunrises and sunsets around the world during the last 50 years or so… thanks a little to travel, but mostly to being an outdoorsman, i.e. hunter and fisherman. I’ve seen the heavenly artic (Aurora Borealis) northern lights from the tundra, seen wild herds of caribou, majestic moose, monster bull elk, bison, alligators and crocks and every species of North American deer. Then top it all off with magical jungle sunsets in South America, the bright green sunrises from New Zeeland and sunsets in the Australian Bays.

 

           

(Same photo scene as above, unfiltered, 10 minutes earlier)

 

I’ve been so fortunate to have observed elk calves romp wild in a filed at first light, baby ducks and geese out for their early morning swim with mom, the first clumsy steps of a new born fawn and newly hatched turkey chicks scamper after a hen so as not to be left behind.

 

 

(Photos I took at sunrise and sunset on our Dixon duck pond)

In our area alone between duck ponds and mountain trips we’ve seen many things very few have seen. As a bow hunter that takes to the woods in camo with stealth, I’ve had, while seated at the base of a tree, quail walk across my boots and a squirrel on the top of my hat as it climbed down a tree… and deer walk by within touching distance. From a bluff above we watched a big black bear lay on its back and eat berries (as son Trey was unknowingly was walking up on it) about an hour from here behind Lake Berryessa. We had a California mountain lion snarl above us that sent chills down our spines and saw grizzly tracks returning to camp in Canada right behind our outgoing tracks in the fresh snow… The stories go on and on. I’ve had a snake slither by within inches and witnessed a baby duck devoured by a fish on a mountain lake… and saw snakes curl around Linda’s foot on a couple of occasions; don’t know why they just seem to like her… and the one thing almost all of these things have in common? Quite nature at work doing what it does and I/we have had the privilege of being a spectator to many marvelous things.

 

(Another sunrise photo Trey took on the west side of the Sutter Buttes while hunting)

Sunrises and sunsets… quiet, peaceful, natural settings… being a witness to real life and death and the comedy that takes place out there once you leave your home and get out in it. If you haven’t made the effort, you ought to try it… really.  A camera (or cell phone) works as well as a bow or gun to experience what most see only on television… and you know what… The vast majority of these things are only a short drive from here.

 

           (I took this one at the Hastings Island cross over bridge)

If it sounds like I’m telling you to get off your butt and off the couch and go outside, and make the kids leave the video games at home, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I know everyone has looked at sunrise/sunsets one way or the other but they are varied and there is a big difference between looking and seeing.

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Continued from last week..

BATHROOMS… A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS… A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE… A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE…A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does. DRESSING UP… A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL… Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING… Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY… A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

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April 7th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #669 (4-7-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

       Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

What Did You Do During The High Winds?

            Thirty (30+) MPH high winds last week… what do you do? We took off and went to Clearlake crappie fishing and had the best fishing trip ever on that lake. The three of us filled the live well with mostly black crappies this time, that all weighed in the 1.5 to 1.8 pounds range, … nice fat filets. I caught the biggest crappie of my fishing career landing one just shy of three pounds… and that’s a lot of crappie folks. The state record is just a little over four pounds. If you like crappies filets now is the time to go. The lake is high and the small shad are spawning and dying off and the crappies are gorging themselves on the dying shad. Just look for floating minnows and, graph a school, and catch a boat load! The limit is 25 each.

One Last Mad Mike Probe

 

 

Speaking of crappie stuff…In response to his repetitive all-out attack on me last week I thought we’d have this little retort. I can keep up this nonsensical stuff as long as he can… what a waste of space.

I’m guessing the mayor is now smart enough to distance himself from Mad Mike Ceremello if he wants to actually help the citizens and get any support. Its obvious Mike has some serious problems (aside from his hatred of anyone elected to office over him, or anyone who has any accepted expertise) with a superiority complex where he readily admits he knows more than anyone else does about everything;  Law, government, engineering, streets, sewage, water, etc. and the encyclopedia no doubt. That should be a tip to those who wonder if he really knows anything about anything other than doing his half assed research and spouting his crap as the truth. Many now question his mental stability…It’s a shame he wants to take a new naïve councilman down the one-term tubes with him… He can threaten his scary “recall” crap again and the people will hand him his hat one more time.

As far as his writing goes, it always has an element of truth… the key word here being element. Trust me when I tell you he uses a bit of truth to expound his own opinions as fact. When he tells you he knows more than the city’s law firm, public works director, city manager, the entire city council, planning commission, traffic study commission and the city clerk, etc.… you might want to go to another source like we all do now. He is virtually ignored from the time he stands up (at every council meeting) to give his two cents (like he does on almost every item) because of his negative “ the sky is falling” routine.

To his face people give him the glad hand or the cold shoulder because they are afraid of him attacking them in print. Behind his back they just shake their heads and ignore what he says because most people believe no one is an expert, and knows better than all experts, about all things. Remember he claims he knows more than anyone about everything…. Except maybe humility, common sense, believability and manners. He claims little to no knowledge in these few areas.

For those of you who don’t know (or care) who he is I’m running another photo I took of him. Now when you see him coming you can go the other way…or be trapped into listening to one of his lectures about how smart he is and how the rest of us are… well, just plain dumb. Remember everything he says and does is because he is already running for a council seat in his district in 2018… go figure.

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People –What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack…You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes… Men Are Just Happier People…

NICKNAMES… If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT…When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators…YEP! MONEY… A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale. (To be continued next week…)

 

More Things for Thought

*When asked by a grateful nation “How can we thank you, General Washington” … he replied, “You can put me on the $1 bill so that I may be stuffed in the thongs of strippers by my beloved countrymen for all eternity”.

*The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Rectangle… and then one portion of it just seemingly disappeared somehow.

*I stopped believing for a little while this morning… Journey is gonna be so pissed.

*Saw a guy getting beat up by four guys and he was barely hanging on so I decided to help… he stood no chance against the five of us.

*When Jesus does come back… it’s a sure bet he will be detained at the airport.

*We’ve spent considerable time crunching the numbers in our retirement account… and it’s time to figure out who will be wearing the mask and who will be driving the getaway car.

*My position on marijuana… slumped in a bean bag chair, nearly asleep, covered in crumbs and snack wrappers. 

*Overheard at the store: “If I had a dollar for every time some d**khead told me cussing wasn’t ladylike I’d have a sh**load of damn money”!

*If I worked in a used record store my parting remark to all customers would be “All sales are vinyl!”

*If your lawyer is wearing a suit that doesn’t fit and talking on a flip phone… you’re going to jail.

*When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy, excited people using some new cleaning product… the only thing I want to buy is the meds they must be on.

*Now that I’ve gotten old and everything is going to hell I’ve made a new rule… I will not trim my ear hair until it begins to interfere with my peripheral vision!

*Algebra is a lot like sex.  I didn’t really get it in high school… and I definitely don’t get it now.

*Mom told me about a stock she’s owned for 20 years called Amazon… since she did that I’ve been running all her errands, telling her I love her and commenting on how my sister never calls.

*If a frog burped… how would you even know?

*Excuse me, your cleavage seems to have developed crow’s feet… and it’s making me sad.

*Safe sex? You mean like in the back of a Volvo?

*On the ‘Husband’s Hierarchy of Diseases” dysentery, typhoid fever, Ebola and malaria all rank below the “man-cold”.

*Turn left at the Starbucks then go straight until you see the little French restaurant and turn right.  It’s right there next to the place with the great pulled pork. If you see the Dunkin’ Donuts you’ve gone too far… how I give directions.

*I need to start buying condiment colored shirts; no spill no frill.

*I’d rather have everyone think I had a cocaine problem than have them know I just finished a whole box of powdered donuts by myself.

*Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of a mermaid.

*They say that New Zealand has a sheep population of greater than 60 million… how did they stay awake long enough to figure that one out?

*At what age do you have the talk with your daughter about how she isn’t the princess of anything and she’ll have to get a job… is it six?

*Supermarkets should have shifts for shoppers… based on age, efficiency and how many kids you have with you.

*Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes… unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.

*Okay, okay!  So it was a HUGE mistake giving a BB gun to that chimpanzee!

*Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its ability at stealth is just wrong… I say “let them hunt!”

*If you are a real Darwin evolutionist than it should come as no surprise to you that in a thousand years soccer players won’t have arms.

*An elderly person was reported as saying “In my defense, they should have been more specific as to which part of the restaurant I was supposed to ‘drive thru’!”

 

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March 24th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #667 (3-24-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Democrats Support Anti-Rock Legislation…

 

True story: A man landed in intensive care after being struck in the head with a rock during a fight last Thursday afternoon in Suisun City, according to police. At about 3 p.m. on March 16, officers received a call about a fight in the 700 block of Monte Carlo Drive. When they arrived, they found a 29-year-old man on the ground with a head wound. He was apparently hit during a fight with two other men, who fled in a late model black Volvo with two female passengers, according to police.

The People’s Republic of Davis has asked for new legislation (a new rule) outlawing rocks on all college campuses, keeping them at least 1,000 feet  away from all schools and making a permit from the DOJ necessary for possession.

 

Turkey Season Opens Tomorrow

(See related story in today’s newspaper or below here)

Speaking Of Turkey

 First let me say about local government; I know a few care, most don’t. This is about the type of city government we have and the type a few people want.

 

  1. Here’s the form of government we have: It is a city manager form. There is also a strong mayor form which we don’t have. Under our form of government the public elects a mayor and four council people to represent them. The mayor is essentially elected independently to more or less run the city council meetings. That position has some limited special duties like proclamations and appointments (with council ratification) and is a member of various outside groups representing the city.

Neither the mayor nor council people can order any city employee to do anything. Any three members of the council can order the city manager to do whatever they deem needed. The city manager either complies or the council finds a new city manager.

Each council member has various duties and committees to which they are assigned. The council meets the second and fourth Tuesday of each month and meets in “closed session” before many meetings to discuss either personnel (labor negations) or legal matters. All closed session matters are strictly confidential but when any vote is taken the results are made public.

The city manager runs the day to day activities of the city and is the city’s lead negotiator with the six various unions within the city employee groups. If the council wants anything done they turn to the city manager who either does it or gets it done. He hires and fires (or oversees it) all employees including the police and fire chiefs. Only the city attorney and city manager are hired and/or fired by the majority of the council.

It’s quite simple really. The city is a multi-million dollar big business run by a CEO (city manager) and over seen by a board of directors (city council). The taxpayers are the stockholders and they elected their directors, keep them when they do good and boot them when they fail…easy enough to understand huh?

 

A Few Want Changes Made Just Because

 

  1. Mike Ceremello… said in his column last week: “I will refrain from personally insulting any member of the council or city staff.” Then Ceremello with his mental instability growing worse by the week, attacks the three members of the council he can’t control and builds up his protégée as he continues to guide him down the path of ruin… just like he did to himself.
    Small but vocal groups (consisting mostly of Mike Ceremello) think they know what’s better for this city than the collective city council has deemed is in the best interest of the citizens.
  2. Understand Ceremello: 1. Lost his city council seat. 2. Ran for mayor and lost and has been bitter ever since.  Ran for council again and I supported him and he lost again and I was elected instead. 4. Recently, at the last election, ran for city treasurer and a young man with no experience, background or knowledge of the position trounced him although Mike was way educationally more qualified for the position than most of our citizens.
  3. The Ceremelloittes (two maybe three people) had the new mayor convinced the city manager shouldn’t be the lead negotiator in dealing with the city’s six unions… the people he oversees on a daily basis. The new mayor proposed we hire an outside negotiator and brought it up to the council without apparently checking the cost. The council informed him/them (the same group that has complained about the city manager’s salary) that it would cost about $100,000 for each negotiator for each group… $600,000 that the city manager does as part of his job. The new mayor’s suggestion didn’t get very far.
  4. This one man group led by and chaired by and owned by and governed by Ceremello wants the city to keep the water company he had them buy when he was on the council years ago. They didn’t check into the infrastructure apparently and now it is operating at a deficient and projects costs of about -$14,000,000 (million) to repair the old system. Water rates are going out of sight and I’ve been calling for the city to sell this turkey ASAP…. and Ceremello is fighting this too… go figure. Yep, take a private specialized company (SID) and give it to the bureaucrats to run and things will be better.
  5. Ceremello wrote in his column (in response to me calling him a professed know it all) that he does indeed know it all and is smarter than everyone else and won’t apologize for it he says he can’t help it. He has also sniveled about being the self-appointed government watchdog and bemoans the fact he is the lone ranger in that he has to fight the public’s battles (as he see them) for everyone else who is to lazy to support him on his grand quests.
  6. For those of you who are starting to see a clearer picture here, Mike sees himself as an embarrassingly sixth member of the council. He even showed up at the new COP swearing in ceremony in a ratty old white shirt with the city logo on it and flip flops. He has made it his full time vocation to go to every meeting he can and speak on every subject calling the city attorney a liar and city staff members idiots. He says he knows more than all of them about any of their jobs… more about the law, city government, public works…etc. You get the idea. He obviously has a problem or two and he is doing this now because he is running for a council seat what will come up for election in 2018. Guess he figures the public will forget his costly antics (he has reportedly cost the taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in the last several years to no avail, not so cute now huh?) the taxpayers must bear… and the fifth time is the charm?

The point of all of this is you have five individuals you elected to serve you on the council…Ceremello, the Don Quixote of Dixon, must be allowed to be who and what he is at public meeting… by law, and he abuses the privilege… so before you buy into any of his “expert” ideas… just consider the source. Just weigh his opinions against the city council and our professional city employees… you know, the idiots and liars.

 

 

More Things For Thought

*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying.  We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.

*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.

*Surprise parties are great!  First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.

*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.

*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.

*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.

*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.

*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.

*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.

*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?

*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!

*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!

*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation?  That fool just leans on the darn door bell.

*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!

*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!” 

*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.

*The wife finally found her sleep number.  Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.

*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.

*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.

*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.

*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!

*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.

*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?

*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.

*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?

*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!

*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.

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