Archive for the 'That’s Life Columns' Category

August 12th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #689 (8-11-17)* Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

What Your City /Council Is Up To… I Saw The Light!

 


 Notice something a little different in your neighborhood at night? The city is in the process of switching over to all LED streetlights. Cheaper to run and more light… such a deal.

Prior projects; about 350 or 28% done in Phase 1 2017

788 finished as of Thursday, 8/3 or 63% done for Phase 2 2017

Only 9% remaining and 116 scheduled for late August/early September. Watch for the conversion in your neighborhood; you’ll see the difference!  Good going public works and the city!

Police crackdown now underway!

“Enhanced enforcement”

If you drive and text or talk on the phone, or you pull a “California stop” at a traffic light or stop sign your odds of getting a traffic ticket are greatly increased because there’s a “new sheriff in town” so to speak. As the police force gets near full strength, for the first time in years, and with a new law enforcement officer now in charge, screw up and they are gonna get you. With more officers means more are on patrol, more of the time and their work is being assessed by Dixon’s new police chief, Robert Thompson. He was hired to reorganize the department, train a cohesive unit, stop the turn over and put more law enforcement officers on the streets 24/7. With this approach the department has already written as many tickets this year as it did all of last. You wanna run a stop sign? You wanna speed in a school zone? You wanna make an illegal U-turn? You wanna talk on your phone or text while driving? Go ahead, and you may get what’s coming to you. This is about the only warning you’ll get. This police force is here to protect you, and the rest of us from some of you and your dangerous driving practices. The police Chief  has the backing of the city council and was hired to enforce all of the laws. You want to show an exhibition of speed, burn rubber, or just hit passing gear on a city street… I hope they catch you when they do you’ve got no one to cry to. Enough is enough. We, 4/5ths of the city council, went to seven neighborhoods on the night out celebration and what we heard from every neighborhood was the same complaints about all of the things listed above… and the question, “Why can’t the police do something about this?” Guess what. The police are doing many things about “this” so beware, drive safely, follow the driving laws and save yourself some money and court time.

Death Follow-up

 After the death last week of the 20 year old man at the intersection of Midway and St. Rt. 113 a lot of things have happened… none of which will help him or his family of course but his accident may prove to be the catalyst for saving lives along this dangerous state highway which runs right through the middle of our city.

Cal Trans, which has the final say on 113 its self has been contacted by the CHP and either has or will be contacted by Solano County Supervisors, John Vasquez and Skip Thompsom. Skip’s district is Midway Rd. west of 113 and John’s is to the East. I talked to both last Saturday at the Solano County Fair and both pledged full support to making that intersection and the Hay and Fry roads intersections safer as well. They and our city have contacted our State Assemblyman and Senator asking for help in motivating Cal Trans to get emergency action for traffic control at the intersection.

In their own areas of responsibility they are looking into having flashing signs put up both east and west Midway and 113 plus maybe on the west side of both Hay and Fry Road Plus they have the county looking at the dangerous Midway and Porter Road, and Pitt School and Porter Roads. Things likeflashing lights with the message “Cross Traffic Does Not Stop” may help, but remember, like John Wayne said, “You can’t cure stupid” … but you may be able to warn the young and less than stupid they are gambling with their lives, and everyone in the car with them, every time they enter or cross this state highway… because of the big rigs (and cars) flying down the road at highway speeds. The CHP, I noticed has also increased its patrol in that area. We all learn from our mistakes but some drivers, especially the young and less experienced sometimes don’t get a second chance. Tell your friends, neighbors and relatives to avoid that intersection until at least some safety measures are put in place… too many accidents…too many deaths. Enough is enough! Don’t talk, don’t eat, don’t text, just pay attention and drive carefully. We have a long history of deaths on Midway… don’t add your name (s) to the sad list.

 Solano County Fair

Many Dixon Youngsters raised, cows, lambs, pigs, chickens, rabbits, quail and goats to be shown and if they qualified have their animals sold at auction Last Saturday in the livestock arena at the county fairgrounds in Vallejo. Shown above are Kendal Hickman, left and her friend Elizabeth Granillo are seen competing in front of a judge in “Showmanship”.  Both young ladies have started their freshman year this week at Dixon High School. Dozens of  Grange,4-H, FFA and ‘Independent”  kids from throughout the county spent the last week before school in Vallejo giving their animals final touches before showing them and having them sold at auction.

 

More Things For Thought

*my 16 year old niece’s boyfriend has been struggling with a Capri sun for the last twenty minutes…….so I think it’s probably ok to leave her alone with him.

*In my day we didn’t use our phones to take naked pictures of ourselves… we used the office copier to make photocopies of our butts like God intended.

*….and when there was just one set of footprints in the sand, that was Chris Christie.

*I have an appointment for an emissions test tomorrow…….and that reminds me, my car is in need of one as well.

*When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned as a child… and when I became a man I did all that foolishness online.

*My wife isn’t real fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the “countdown to Armageddon”.

*I decorate for Halloween by opening all the curtains and walking around the house naked… pretty scary stuff for all the neighbors.

*Is it true that Guy Fieri sister’s name is Girl Fieri?

*What do we learn from cows, water buffalo and elephants? It’s impossible to lose weight by eating greens, salads and walking.

*“down”, “penetration”, “tight end”, “ball handling”… don’t the networks have censors anymore?

*In fourth grade the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who was able to answer her… she asked “who farted?”

*When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now I’m an adult… and when I see the electric bill I’m afraid of the light!  

*She shouted “get me something to put on bee stings!” so I fetched her one of her bras… now we’re not talking. Apparently.

*My significant other told me she likes it rough, so I bought her a plane ticket… on United.

*Passed by a church where the sign said “Santa Claus never died for anyone”… and the wife said, “That’s true. But Jesus never brought me a Barbie Dream House either”.  

*The only wisdom that comes with age is learning which stores have the nicer restrooms.

*I just called the bank to check on the status of my account… and a voice whispered to me “if you break the package in half Ramen noodles can last two days”.

*Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medication to clear up my earwax problem… apparently he was right about me being a s**thead.

*I’m not a scientist but if the Ebola virus is ‘communicable’… I think that means we can talk to it.

*When telling your wife something always end it with “but I could be wrong”… that way when she tells you you’re wrong, which she inevitably will, you’ll be right for a change.

*You can never adequately thank the person who toilet-trained you.  

*There I was in the custom’s line at the Budapest airport with a suitcase full of marbles.  “What’s your reason for visiting Hungary?” The agent asked… “I want to see the hippos!”

*During sex if she says “make me scream!”… I simply turn on the lights.  

*A friend asked what my favorite underground band was and when I said “the Beatles” he said “they’re really not considered ‘underground’…”but half of them are” was my defense. 

*Oh migawd!  I can’t straighten my back…never mind, just got my tie caught in my zipper.

*“Raise your hand if this is your first time standing under a helicopter”… “sorry to make an example of you, Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.”  

*Apples are actually bad for your health… scientists have announced that everyone who ate an apple in the 15th century is now dead.

*Your shadow is confirmation that light rays have traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed…only to be deprived of reaching the earth in the last few feet by your fat butt.

*I’m not a big fan of Smokey the Bear… he’s just the first step on the slippery slope of vigilantism.

*The cashier at PetSmart just told me I smell really good… which I would take as a compliment if my competition weren’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils.

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August 6th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #689 (8-11-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

20 Year Old Elk grove man dies Wednesday at Midway and 113

By Ted Hickman

This is the message I sent out to (our Supervisor, John Vasquez, Thom Bogue, Mayor, Steve Bird, Dixon councilman, Jim Lindley, city manager, and to the Dixon Fire and police chief right after the accident: “I’m on the warpath again. A 20 year old kid just lost his life, I mean like, right now, after being plowed by a big rig at this intersection. He apparently was headed west on Midway and met the big rig in the middle of the intersection… That’s not an official statement but an educated guess on my part.

The CHP is going to request action from Cal Trans and can use some backup from the city and the county…  Either a four way stop, or traffic light or “flashing cross traffic does not stop” is needed there NOW because there are way too many accidents, and near misses in that intersection and the general area

I would appreciate the city council and police and the fire chief chiming in on this And I Would also like to have it on next council meeting agenda for action”

Thank you

Ted Hickman

 

Backing up… We were headed out to a friend’s house on Midway road late Wednesday morning and the dust hadn’t settled when we came upon the accident at Midway and State Highway113 that killed a young Elk Grove man. We turned east on Midway and I pulled over to see if they needed help but there was a crowd there trying to help so we didn’t want to add to the traffic congestion and so we just moved on. I drove back by on the way home about an hour later and took these photos. There were like four or five CHP there and all agreed this intersection was bad and “something needed to be done.” The big rig that hit the Dodge Neon appeared to have only a dented front fender

Lt. Michael McCarthy of the CHP, at the scene, said he would request Cal Trans (it is a state highway all the way through Dixon) to take some kind of action but could use the support of the city and county in their efforts. I immediately sent a message to our Supervisor, John Vasquez who responded almost immediately with: “Thanks Ted, Sadly it takes the loss of life to bring action, I want thank you all of your efforts in trying to find a solution to this intersection.  I am willing to support and to give any help you may need to resolve it.  The other needed item for that intersection is an additional street light on the Northwest corner, the county place one on the Northeast corner some years back but we have had no luck getting CATRANS to place one the other side.

 

Ted thank you for the email and you have my support,”

John

I sent the same message to our Dixon city manager, fire chief and police chief, Mayor, and Councilman (and former Dixon police officer) Steve Bird asking for support for the CHP’s requesting fairly quick action on our decades old problem… With school starting there are going to be people (and many young drivers) in a hurry to get to and from that intersection where they will meet vehicles traveling state highway speeds… and that can only mean the possibility of more tragedy… since every kid that has a driver’s license HAS to drive to high school parents might be smart to have them avoid that intersection and find other routes to the high school.

I don’t know who has the records of the scores of accidents there (the fire department only responds when there are injuries), or in the vicinity, or the number of deaths, maiming, or injuries, over the years… but there’s been many… It’s time to quit talking and get some action before more people are killed or maimed… A couple of the CHP guys agreed with me that many of the people in the new developments in the south side of town were not raised in rural areas and the traffic here IS different. The CHP guys on scene also agreed that a long straight away and people looking both directions ONCE (not realizing traffic is coming at highway speeds) can be a cause of accidents… “People get in a hurry just don’t realize just how fast traffic is moving, one told me.”

What Your City Council Is Up To…

Seven Neighborhoods Participate in National Night out.

 

Dixon’s new Fire chief, Jay Bushrow, left Rob Thompson, Dixon’s new police chief made it to the Sierra Drive neighborhood gathering with Mayor Thom Bogue, far right, to present Organizer Kurt Riddle with a copy of the National Night Out proclamation. Bouge handed out seven of the proclamations, one for each block party held throughout the city. I went to all seven and it was really neat to meet and talk with folks… who all agreed October would be a better time to hold this community event.

 

 Don’t prolong It Mike, for the good of Dixon Quit Now!

 

Have you seen Mike Ceremello’s B.S. on “only a couple of columns left” before he quits AGAIN?  He’s waiting for a public outcry which ain’t coming Mikey… Many more will be happy than sad… nice try, but nobody cares you’re “quitting again…. Life will go on, a lot better for many people. See ya until you rear your ugly, negative mouth once again. How is he going to support his young apprentice and mouth piece on the city council if he doesn’t have this pulpit to badmouth the elected city council, staff and volunteers? What about all of the other stupid people in town. How is he going to sing his praises and let everybody know how much smarter he is than all of us dumb people. You know why he’s opposed to selling the turkey of a water company and have water pros run it instead of the city? Because it was his idea and pushing that caused the city to buy into this expensive and disastrous plan. If anything wasn’t his idea it can’t be good, remember: he is smarter than everyone, knows more about everything than everybody else and we are just dumb sub-humans to his fanatic know-it-all intellect. Where is the big public cry he’s going away AGAIN for a while…Even his three or four loyal extremist/supporters seem to have lockjaw…Quit asking for the loud roar because you’re taking another sabbatical… Get over yourself… nobody cares. NOBODY, that is, except those that are glad to see your narcissistic column’ space be occupied by something else even if it’s the Obits… even blank space would be a relief of his years of bad mouthing those who really matter and everything else but himself… when the dust settles I’ll still be here and Mike will be…waiting in the wings. Mike having me recalled is one of his funniest jokes. I was elected by the whole city and the majority of people see what good things this council is doing for them and know Ceremello is just a bag of old, hot stale air, helpless, hopeless and useless…You gotta feel a little sorry with his self-destruction, fall from the little grace he had and having to resort to badmouthing and trying to belittle me as a way of making himself feel worthwhile… Sorry Mikey you lose again… just hang it up while you still have something to hang!

He says and I quote “However, after reading Ted Hickman’s distasteful column,”   LOL is that the pot calling the kettle black or what? He has proven over the years all of his taste is in his mouth in the way he talks (his big city council moment was when he yelled “F**K” during a council meeting to just get attention. Voters loved it and have turned away from him each time he has tried to claim his lost glory even losing the city treasurer’s election at the last election to a young man with no experience or knowledge of the position… he just doesn’t seem to learn or get the word, and can’t be embarrassed… so as I said before you want to dance, bring it.  I’ll waste a little space each week on your faded glory and continual quest for attention… as long as you keep begging for the attention Distasteful? He dresses (like a slob), and acts (like a hooligan)… Distasteful is too polite term for his whole persona.

I’ll keep doing what I do and serve the public the best I can and keep getting things going and done. Our list of accomplishments grows monthly thanks to a GOOD CITY STAFF AND THE MAJORITY OF THE city council WANTING TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR THE RIGHT REASON…… And Mike’s Monday morning quarterbacking? No one really cares what he says or thinks except maybe his in-over- his head young protégé on the council. But boy you keep listening to Mike and you will be held in as high of esteem as he is… And that’s all the energy and space I’m going to put into him this week

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July 28th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #687

Posted under That's Life Columns

National Night Out; Tuesday

Seriously, if you and your neighbors, or neighborhood have never participated in “National Night Out, do so this year. It’s meant to give neighbors an opportunity to meet and sends the message that crime and dirtballs will not be tolerated because we are all looking out for each other. Just give city hall or the PD a ring and tell them you are having a neighborhood “pot luck” gathering and while your little block party is going you will likely have a visit from the fire and police departments, with sirens a police chief, a fire chief and fire and policemen to meet and greet your family, neighbors and children. You may also have the whole city council come by to meet you… It’s a pretty cool thing. There aren’t many planed yet this year so please organize one in your neighborhood… it will help you and yours and your neighbors in the long run… trust me!

“National Night out; ”A Hot August Night Coming Tuesday

 

On Tuesday, August 1,  along with being Hot August Night out, I remember distinctly where I was 53 years ago; I was in the chapel in Wright Patterson Air Force Base getting married to the most beautiful girl in Dayton, Ohio as her parents, Major And Mary Hagerman looked on in wonder… you can fill in the blanks. She hasn’t changed much and me only a little… (See photos below). He mother’s birthday is just a week before, what a birthday present that was huh? To make up for it I try to do something nice each year; this year we took her to BJ’s in Vacaville for lunch and then to the remodeled Brenden theatre to see “Dunkirk”…a good movie BTW. This Tuesday was her 93rd birthday (see photo,now you can see where Linda gets her good looks!).

August 1, 1964, Dayton, Ohio… Then—

—August 1, 2017, Now…Dixon, Ca.

He, They, Should Be Ashamed

The Youngest city council member went off the deep end again Tuesday night after trying to bully me, only to be put in his place, once again. The Coup d’e grace of all of his ill-timed and ill-fated attempts to put the spot light on himself just put one more nail in his political coffin. After reading a rambled prepared statement from his phone he accused me of lying in my Column last week (during a city council meeting, go figure…) about a message sent to me about how many people in the southwest of town feel about this young, pompous (with no reason to be so) ass. I did take some editing liberties with the message last week in this column, I’ll admit that, but it was to rephrase and take out some comments about his parentage, flip-flopping philosophy and his loss of face and faith in his “District”. Right when was saying no one from his district would write such stuff I received a letter that was sent to the city attorney’s office which is printed below.

After coming under investigation for election fraud. (His case has been turned over to the Solano County District Attorney’s office and his case has been put in the hands of the California Attorney General and the Solano County Grand Jury. He was given an out, out of all of this, by simply swearing in an avadavat that he was telling the truth about where he physically lived when he took out his election papers but he and all of his family steadfastly refused to do that… So it has cost the taxpayers many thousands of dollars dealing with this councilmember a (“member,” not “man”) because of the council acting on citizen’s complaints, and the matter is now out of the City’s hands and into the hands of folks who won’t be swayed by his whining that he’s being picked on, or his “rights are being violated”.

Anyway, back to the council meeting on Tuesday. After reading his smug, self-serving, rambling, prepared,  statement again taking up valuable council time to air his personal problems again, he challenged me and got back what he deserved and I said heatedly something like, “You wanna go, that’s ok with me let’s go!” He’s three times my size, at least twice my weight, and 50 years younger than me:  See: the photo from that night) and I meant it. This went on until the mayor and city attorney put an end to it because personal attacks like his are not supposed to be allowed. I differed to the mayor’s wishes and council decorum. It was about at that point he made the most ridiculous statement in the political history of Dixon. In whining once again about his “due process” had been violated he said “It is not the first time that an American of Asian descent has been denied their due process rights”.  Yeah, we are a bunch of duly elected Racist officials, trying to strip this poor disrespectful youngster of his second generation or so “rights.” Give me a friggin break…  That’s Even dumber than Ceremello’s “f***k statement he blurted out as a councilman. At least Mike made a point. Someone needs to talk some sense into this council guy. I tried to help him out a bit at first until he orchestrated a fake dive on camera and claimed I elbowed him in the head as I squeezed behind his and other member’s chairs. He lied, and frame-b-frame-analysis of the footage shows I never touched him.  After that, of course he was on his own, and not doing very well I have to admit. His advisers are taking him down a one-way path from which there is no return. It’s a shame because he does have a brain and a gift of gab and would make a great blowhard state official one day.

I mumbled lowly to him, “No De-von, You’re wrong… you’re just whacky. Now I’m adding: you’re wrong, the council doesn’t like or dislike you you because of your race, or even your family… I can’t speak for the council but I can tell your I don’t like you because you are a young whining, snake oil salesman, blowhard, and documented liar who has shown nothing but dis-respect for this council since the day you were elected. Every man on this council is old enough to be your father and several, your grandfather, but you have continually disrespected this  rightfully elected body and  city staff on a regular basis. Not liking you has nothing to what you, are but directly who you are… and you are a member (a nice name for it), end of story. You want to run for higher office… Yeah, right. You’ve sealed your political future by screwing up big time since the day you took out papers to run. People in your district” would never say anything again you? That’s one of the things you claimed, right. While you were spewing your nonsense and taking a poor pot shot at elder abuse I was given a copy of a letter, to me, sent to the city attorney’s office…

Which reads as follows: 

 

Listen Junior you are not only in trouble with many agencies but you better pull in your horns because another resident of your “district” just informed there may be a recall forthcoming and they only need about 670 (+ or -)  signatures to qualify one for the ballot. From what I hear, from backers of mine,(who helped elect me as a representative of our whole city, in his “district” they’ve had it with him and realize they made a bad mistake, however, one that can still be corrected with only 670 some signatures. De-von… Put that in your cocky pipe, or e-sig, or whatever you smoke during council breaks, and smoke that!

  

More Things for Thought

Not all fairy tales begin with “once upon a time”… some start with “if I am elected”.

So I didn’t kick hell out of that idiot that knocked over my venti chai crème Frappuccino… does that sainthood thing start like right away or….?

If a piece of land surrounded by water is called an “island”……shouldn’t the water surrounding this land be called “isntland”?

I just found a human tooth and a pair of skivvies in my coat pocket…….. I could be a serial killer, I could be a dad. 

We asked my elderly aunt what her favorite cheese was.  She mumbled “Camembert”…….”that’s ok, tell us when you remember.”

The doctor told me exercise would add years to my life… he was right.  I just did 10 pushups and now I feel like I’m 80!

I have had to discipline my pet rock… so yes, I have hit rock bottom.

I was thrilled to find my wife loves long walks along the beach… gives me time to sit at home and do what I want.  

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say “are you”.

I bet we’re all waiting for mannequins with beer belly’s or bowed legs, or droopy boobs and a wide ass… so we can tell how the clothes are really going to look.

If you’ve seen one lion attack on the National Geographic channel you’ve seen a maul.

the wife bought a treadmill… ‘cuz she ran out of closet space for her clothes.“You’re a liar!  I can’t trust you and your deceitful ways!  I’m never getting naked for you again!”… my wife as she steps off her bathroom scale.  

The living can’t communicate with the dead… that’s just seance fiction.

Went to the dog barber the other day… can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her paw.

I always leave a night light on in the bedroom… just in case someone breaks in I want them to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow… sometimes you’re the hairball.

I forgot the name for a beaver the other night… the only thing that came to mind was to refer to them as “architect squirrels”.

Why is it called a ‘vasectomy’ and not a ‘cull de sac’?

My life would probably have been very different if I had done everything with the same intensity as brushing and flossing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

At a spelling bee:  judge:  your word is ‘tennis’.  contestant: “s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s”.  Judge:  please repeat that…..I lost count.

 

 

My dad used to remind us kids to check for rattlesnakes hidden in the woodpile… obviously of less concern was giving an axe to an eight-year old.   

Hello home cooking, my old friend… it’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again!  

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is down in public… just smile sweetly, walk over and slowly zip it up for him.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of his victims is it considered an STD… or food poisoning?

Took a date to a baseball game where she proceeded to eat the hotdog as if she was eating an ear of corn… said it was to avoid sending mixed signals.  

Being a pilot is one of the few jobs you can get fired for going above and beyond.

Amazon Prime would be a great name for a Wonder Woman movie!

I hate those Facebook quizzes:  Grammar is; 1) how we structure our sentences 2) grandpa’s wife… so many pick number two.

Apparently “pound town” is not a British dollar store.

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

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July 22nd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #686 (7-21-17…Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

 What Did You Do Last Weekend ?

We Went Froggin and Crawdading!

 

Well Friday night we went “froggin” for the first time in  like 30 years; It’s a little like riding a bike, just a little harder now because the stealth varies with age and the terrain. We set out crawdad (lobster’s smaller fresh water cousin) traps and then spotlighted and gigged bull frogs in ditches from like 10 pm to 2 am when the winds came up and the temp dropped. Every body of water and ditch in the rural areas holds both frogs and crawdads and with a little (sometimes big) effort you can provide a feast for your family. Crawdads in butter taste like lobster and in cocktail sauce taste like shrimp… Yum, yum! Frog legs really do taste like the best chicken you ever had (no fishy taste) and even resemble rattlesnake a little, but no gamey taste or rib bones to deal with.

 

 

How About Some Signs Like Vacaville?

You gotta be as annoyed about illegal fireworks going off as we are… and everyone I talked to. If your go to Vacaville a week or so before the 4th you can hardly find a street corner without a big sign saying fireworks are illegal and you will be arrested if you’re caught with them.  Folks in Vacaville heard they were legal in Dixon (they were half right) so they came here to Hall Park on the 4th to set them off. Hey didn’t plan on running into Dixon’s new police chief, Robert Thompson, who kept his word about a crackdown and personally citing people and taking away their illegal stuff as he walked around Hall Park on the night of the 4th. He was a little surprised by the amount of stuff going off and acted on the problem himself as well as having his people try to put a lid on the illegal stuff.

In 2016 there were 37 calls for disturbances related to fireworks He said, “I can’t find any data on enforcement for fireworks specific actions, and we are tracking this on a go forward basis”. Translation: Nobody did nothing…

In 2017, 49 calls for disturbances related to fireworks and 11 Administrative Citations were issued for city ordinance violations; Five seizures of illegal fireworks (three from non-residents).

“Anecdotally, half of the citations were written to non-residents who thought “fireworks” were legal in Dixon, and were not in their town (primarily Vacaville)”.

The chief said, “We will detail officers to Hall Park next year, not use patrol resources for the size of the crowd. Maybe Fire could stage there as well, the size of the crowds and the detonation of illegal fireworks in the uncontrolled setting was troublesome. We got lucky none tipped over and fired in to the crowd. He said, “We will work with Fire next year to coordinate our efforts,” and I believe they will have even better results.

 

 2017 Dixon TFt’s/ Christmas Programs gets a head start

           

For the 51st year, through no fault of our own we are heading into starting the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs… In July…Well someone has to do it don’t they? …

As they have for the past several years, management of the Dixon Walmart store (the biggest community support group in the area) called to tell us they were starting their stock reduction in the toy department and we could get special deals on items they were discontinuing or were they were wanting to reduce inventory So several of the TFT’s board members like Jack Caldwell, (Dixon’s main line to Santa and current “Citizen of the Year”), Linda Hickman and Missy Nichols met with management and Purchased about $10,000  (retail) worth of right now popular toys at 75% to $90% per cent off retail.

This was Caldwell’s first buying trip and he now has a head’s up on what hundreds of Dixon area children will be wanting and getting for Christmas this year. Caldwell was surprised and delighted with the cooperation and help (and prices) Walmart and its staff give to Dixon’s only local, all volunteer, 501-C-3 charity. He now has prior knowledge to what Santa’s elves will have on hand for 500 to 600 children this coming Christmas season…. Mike Hamilton, as tired as he was from Grillin and Chillin came to the rescue to help pick up the many pallets and help store them until they can be placed in storage.

 

Speaking of Grillin & Chillin

 

The mayor and the rest of the city council were expected to be at Grillin & Chillin since the city is a partial sponsor of the event. The turnout, if you missed it, was the biggest ever in my opinion in both amounts of attendees, cars, retail and community booths. Next year plan on attending…

I talked to dozens of people many recognizing me/us from my weekly mug in the paper and some from the City of Dixon City council badge I wore. To a person they had nothing but good things to say with one negative they all seemed to agree on… ‘It was too damned hot”. (“Have you thought about moving it to October?” or “How about having a big shade tent where we can eat and not fry? “Was a popular question to which I copped out saying I had nothing to say about the date.

Everybody was there from the Solano county D.A. and Sheriff to the CHP and even a big gun toting Forest Ranger (who looked more like a Texas Ranger see photo above) who was handing out Marijuana is still illegal (on federal property) posters.  The Dixon police officers and Cadets and Fire personnel looked sharp in the heat and did a great job and did a little PR at the same time… good going.

I was glad to see city staff handing out info on the city’s new “Fixin Dixon” phone App. If you haven’t downloaded  it free yet do so. You can report about anything to the city staff and get quick feedback and follow up on what happens to your complaint or question. Take a picture of a pot hole in front of your house and send it. Anything dealing with the city you want to bitch about (or even say something nice I guess) is now at your fingertips (or thumb tips).

It was really gratifying for Linda and me to have so many people sincerely inquire about my health at both the Grillin & Chillin and the boat club dinner Saturday night. I was truly surprised and touched by people that weren’t just curious, but were really concerned about my well-being… try getting that in a bigger city. Frogging, Friday night, Grillin and Chillin Saturday and the Dixon Boast Club Dinner Saturday night and almost comatose on Sunday… Gotta get it through my head I‘m not 30, 40, or even 50 anymore!.

 

TOO FUNNY! This was a real Ad…

This is a genuine ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released.

Their ad department certainly had a way with words !

 

WISE WORDS FROM A WISE MAN!

 

 

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot, Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.)  Here’s some of his sayings:

 

  1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
  2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
  4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 
  6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
  7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
  8. There are three kinds of men:  

          The ones that learn by reading.

          The few who learn by observation.

          The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

  1. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  2. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
  3. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n than puttin’ it back in.
  4. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral:  When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

ABOUT GROWING OLDER  

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me.  I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of algebra … 

 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.  

 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

 

Eight ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

 

Ninth ~  Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

 

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it’s called golf.

 

And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

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July 16th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #685 (7-14-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

(I want to thank my non-Catholic, Jewish cousin, who is a pissed off  doctor in Santa Barbara for the following):

 

Frisking Nuns… WTF?

The insanity marches on.

We don’t want to insult a hijab clad Muslim woman by a search,

but it’s OK to search a nun. Yep, makes sense to me!

You can’t make this stuff up! Airport security (Detroit Metro Concourse A).

A Catholic nun being frisked by a  Muslim security agent!    Excuse me?

Did you say a MUSLIM security agent Screening for suspected terrorists?

Political Correctness is out of control.  Please pass this all around the USA and CANADA!

 

PROD Clamps down

The People’s Republic of Davis (PROD), where student’s decide who has the right to free speech, and is a bunch that wants to become a Sanctuary city, now has the answer to the city’s health concerns. The city council in its wisdom apparently wants to place a soft drink Tax of 1 cent… thinking it  will curb health problems?  and BTW bring up to a million bucks a year to the city…Oh, you Proud PROD lovers…

 

Abstain? Abstain?

From the email bag… “Ted I watched the most recent council meeting on T.V. and I saw a council member “abstain.”  My first question is, “Is that legal?” (Yes it is). My second question is why would this council member tell the world the issue is a hot one and people are not going to like the way he would vote one way or the other and then punk out? (Can’t answer that one). Then why would the council member, you notice I’m not calling him a councilman… but a member, take council time to whine on live T.V. the other councilmen don’t like him? (Can’t answer that one either, ask him.)

He reminds me of baby huey sans any Cajones. Can someone tell l him this isn’t high school student council and remind him the taxpayers are paying him to do his homework, man up (if he can) and vote on each and every issue without worrying about who will and won’t like him afterwards…?  (I think you just did) This council member has been an embarrassment to himself and those who voted for him from almost his first meeting. He needs to quit being a kid and start trying to be an adult, and quit crying in public about being abused and disliked… Everything that happens to him in in reaction to his own actions. I’m sure the people of “his” “District” have all second guessed their vote and if they had it to do over would make another choice.

            Unfortunately you current councilmen and the public are saddled with him for then next three and on-half years unless the pressure of having to make adult decisions wears him out…Good luck and patience to the current councilmen running our city council…  I do not envy you.”

A perplexed Dixon  Voter

Thanks for taking the time to write…

 

 

Life from the seat of a tractor… by our good friend Larry Lockwood of Proctor Oklahoma! An old Farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by… 

 

The last quote fits everyone…   

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…….not yelled.”

“Meanness don’t just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.” 

“Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

“Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.”

“Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously , care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

 “Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.  

And, finally… 

 

More Things for Thought

 

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool this week.  It’s hot…call me.  I will learn to love you.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once……going twice…..

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m seductively moving my head around……trying to determine if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty.

I give up!  I’ve been working 25/7 trying to come up with a daylight savings joke!

It has been brought to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of the cupcake…..that is essentially the peel. Know your foods, people!

Kids gave me a meat thermometer for Father’s Day and said they hope it works well…….hell; I hope it works medium and rare, too.

I used to mix metaphors all the time…….but that ship has flown.

You’re not really a grandparent until you’ve wished the grandkids sports team does crappy in a tournament…….so you can go home early.

A Job:  something you do so you can afford to buy three avocados at one time at Whole Foods.

This neighborhood we live in has an awesome “neighborhood watch”……the problem is deciding who gets to wear it.

I may not be the handiest guy around the house but I know one thing for certain……the smoke detector battery will never go bad during the day.

OK, first off, who is this infamous “we” in “we need to go on a diet”…and even more importantly why is there salad on my plate where there should be food?

My brother is a treasure……….you’ll need a map and a shovel to find him.

Some day “bitches ain’t shit” by dr. dre will be playing and an elderly couple on the dance floor will turn to each other, smile, and say “they’re playing our song!”

My new personal trainer, in an attempt to get me in the best possible shape, told me to have a protein shake every night at 11PM……but that’s whey past my bedtime.

Most of the Hispanics here in town aren’t offended by taco jokes or siesta jokes.  But immigration jokes…they cross the line.

If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba hook-up and have a kid…….will he be an ice-cube?

The real miracle is that the human race still exists…….after being stupid enough to kill the only man known to be able to change water into wine.

I like to play fetch with the damn cat……which is just basically me throwing stuff followed by disappointment.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the entire office……even though the KFC employees can clearly see me scarfing down the entire bucket while still in the parking lot.

Never underestimate an underachiever………we’re capable of much less than you think.

War and Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad…..rather it was written to be carried around in hardbound to impress people.

I haven’t worn corduroy since the time I almost died in a fire…….chasing the ice cream man down the street.

In order to get the boys up and dressed in time for church one time I told them we were going to Disneyland…..they were just so surprised!

Crowds hated it……but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO”!

Genetics are weird…….only one of my kids inherited my hair color but all of them seemed to get my inability to put shit away and fully close the drawer.

A lonely rooster sees a neon flashing sign announcing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS and walks into Popeye’s…….then cringes in horror and drops his dollar bills.

Not now please..I’m sleeping.

I got called “pretty” today.  Actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty dumb”…..but I’m only focusing on positive things today.

The difference between your wife and your Netflix account is that, over time, your Netflix account will learn what you like.

 

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July 9th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #684 (7-7-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

Don’t forget the  dinner

Don’t forget tonight  the Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club. We’ll be at the door to welcome you!

 

 

Each year since we (the city of Dixon) legalized the sale and use of fireworks locally the naysayers have predicted tragedy, fires and major injuries. After selling fire works for a couple of days just before , and on the fourth each year we’ve driven around town to see how our efforts went up in smoke… and you know what? It’s been really neat to see about every court in the city with family and friends, hoses and buckets of sand, people setting off the safe and sane fireworks we sold. We can identify many of them at a distance and it gives you kind of a warm feeling (or maybe it’s just we haven’t cooled down from being in a plywood box loaded with gun powder in 100 degree weather for 12 or so hours.) to see the 4th celebrated with the get-togethers, with food and friends where families, an many times whole streets or courts, have their own celebration of our nation’s birth… the way it should be! Bad things are bound to happen because you can’t cure stupid.

Hope you had a safe and memorable holiday and thank you for supporting your own special, local, non-profit organizations by purchasing your fireworks in the following locations:

Soroptimist of Dixon had the booth at Walmart,  Dixon High Cross Country had the booth at CVS, or the Dixon Historical Society had the booth at the old George’s Orange,

American Legion Ladies Auxiliary had the booth at Safeway

This Safeway booth has been the most productive in the city each year when proceeds are totaled up. This is for a couple of reasons: Location, location, location… Then it is run and managed correctly by Patti Coppes, stays open each available hour and usually has the biggest assortment of the hard to find items. This booth splits up its proceeds with veteran’s causes and Dixon Toys for Tots/community Christmas programs… which is why you saw Linda and I, and our TFT’s folks there all day on the 3rd and the morning shift on the 4th.

 

The Toys For Tots/ Community Christmas Programs Board again set a one day record selling over $12,000 on July 3rd alone and another couple of thousand in the morning of July 4th. Thanks to all of you who chose to support: Vets, kids and seniors by buying your fireworks through us at Safeway’s booth. Our 1/7th share of the total profits will start off the Christmas programs fund raising year with a bang, so to speak.

The effort this year took about 13 volunteers 17 hours over one and one-third days on the 3rd and 4th. to set a one-day sales record. The photos below show the outside of the booth, the inside and part of the Dixon TFT’s board who are: Left to right, Laura Gotch, Arlene Jimenez, Pam Murdock, Linda Hickman, Fred Vanderwold and his son, Craig. Caught between shifts and not in the photo are: Chelsi Johnson, Tanace Hatchel, Amanda Gotch, Linda Vanderwold, Shane and Missy Nichols, Randy and Patti Aguirre who gave up their holiday time for the cause that will allow them to spend many more hours of their family time come Nov./ December when the community Christmas programs swing into operation.

This was the first year in many where the temptures didn’t soar above 100.

The first and second photos show the outside and inside of the booth… The last photo shows a small part of Sierra Drive where about 50 people watched on both sides of the street as they put on their own fireworks show in the middle of the street with the “safe and sane” ones sold by our group.

 

 

 

 

More Things for thought!

The best part of an argument is the makeup sex……unless you’re fighting with your brother.

 

A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar……everyone else leaves.

 

my boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”……especially ‘cuz his name is Craig.

 

today i met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

 

this salad tastes like i’d rather be fat!

 

somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life……but it’s not me.  i think you’re a fool.

 

why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”?…….why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

 

one of the lights in my bathroom is out……i look at least 10 years younger.

 

if i had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “dad, you’re not funny!” i could buy a house at the beach……and live alone.

 

sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…….this is rarely a good thing.

 

don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.  my personality is who i am……my attitude depends on who you are.

 

if someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately……you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

my father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

 

the neighbors loved the music so much once i turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

 

if God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

 

if you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax…..just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

 

i just ate what i thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt……..turns out it was deodorant.  and how is your day going? 

 

my wife looks for signs i’m cheating……but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

 

i hate it when people ask me where i see myself 5 years from now when i can’t even remember where the hell i was 2 days ago. 

 

if Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other….so it actually was a happy ending. 

 

those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear…….red, or white?

 

there are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but i could never string enough of them together to properly express how much i’d like to hit you with a chair.

 

apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  what is wrong with people?……..have they never had pizza?

 

i just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring……bad analogy.

 

the neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday…….she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

 

i was teasing my grandaughter and said “when i grow up i’m going to be an astronaut.”……..she replied, “you’re already grown up.  you’ll be dead soon.”

 

a new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs…….now i have to worry about testing positive for m&m’s.

the first time i went to vegas i was asked to leave the casino……i misunderstood what the crap table was for.  

 

a friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head…..that’s nothing.  husbands sometimes go for years.

i have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…….their head is safely protected by their ass cheeks.

 

 

####

 

Dixon City Council 2017

 

Your Dixon City Council: Left to right , Vice Mayor, Scott Pederson, Devon Minnema, Junior member,Ted Hickman, senior member, Mayor Thom Bogue and councilmember Steve Bird.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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July 2nd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #683 (6-30-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com For 682 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #683 (6-30-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For 682 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Ca. Bow season for deer starts soon…

Dixon, CA.  As the City of Dixon prepares for the upcoming July Fourth Holiday, the Dixon Fire Department wants to remind citizens and visitors to use their fireworks in a safe and sane manner.

The Fire Department also wants to remind people that safe and sane fireworks have only been legalized for sale and use in the City limits.  Any use of any fireworks is illegal outside of the City limits. Any fireworks that do not have the Fire Marshal seal of approval, or any fireworks that leave the ground or explode, are dangerous and illegal.

Safe and sane fireworks can be dangerous if misused or altered from their original form.  Every year there are documented cases of injuries and fires started by the use of safe and sane fireworks.

The Fire Department encourages citizens to prepare and celebrate safely; only adults should use fireworks and they should have a hose or bucket of water ready to cool off the used fireworks; make sure children are supervised at all times; be cautious when in the street; never throw fireworks in the air.  Additionally, you should not use fireworks in or near dry vegetation, or near any buildings… or outside the city limits.  Report all emergencies by calling 9-1-1.

Each year since we (the city of Dixon) legalized the sale and use of fireworks locally the naysayers have predicted tragedy, fires and major injuries. After selling fire works for a couple of days just before , and on the fourth each year we’ve driven around town to see how our efforts went up in smoke… and you know what? It’s been really neat to see about every court in the city with family and friends, hoses and buckets of sand, people setting off the safe and sane fireworks we sold. We can identify many of them at a distance and it gives you kind of a warm feeling (or maybe it’s just we haven’t cooled down from being in a plywood box loaded with gun powder in 100 degree weather for 12 or so hours.) to see the 4th celebrated with the get-togethers, with food and friends where families, an many times whole streets or courts, have their own celebration of our nation’s birth… the way it should be!

Have a safe and memorable holiday and please support your own special, local, non-profit organizations by purchasing your fireworks in the following locations:

Fireworks injuries…

Soroptimist of Dixon has the booth at Walmart,   at 235 E. Dorset Dr.

Dixon High Cross Country has the booth at CVS, 1057 N. First St.

Dixon Historical Society has the booth at the old George’s Orange, 2635 West A St.

American Legion Ladies Auxiliary has the booth at Safeway, 1235 Stratford Ave…

 

This Safeway booth has been the most productive in the city each year when proceeds are totaled up. This is for a couple of reasons: Location, location, location… Then it is run and managed correctly by Patti Coppes, stays open each available hour and usually has the biggest assortment of the hard to find items. This booth splits up its proceeds with veteran’s causes and Dixon Toys for Tots/community Christmas programs… which is why you will see Linda and I, and our TFT’s folks there all day on the 3rd and the morning shift on the 4th. Stop by and say hi, maybe buy some stuff for the kids and we’ll treat you to a cold non- alcoholic one. Can’t have people under 18 or alcohol, and can’t sell to anyone under 18.

By the city ordinance the hours of operation for all booths are: June 28: Noon to 10 pm.June 29 through the 4th:  9 am to 10 pm.

The use and/or possession of all legal fireworks are restricted to the period of June28 thru July 6th from noon to 11 pm each day.

Oh yeah, for all illegal fireworks report the yahoos immediately by calling 678-7082. There is kind of a special task force this year, here and statewide to catch these dangerous folks. Do your part to get them busted… just call and report them each time they rattle your windows, wake the baby, scare the crap out of your dog or just piss you ofF.

 Don’t forget the  dinner July 7th


 

Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner July7, from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club. We’ll be at the door to welcome you!

Tickets are now on sale at $60 each and can be purchased at Bud’s Pub and Grill or by calling Ed Coffelt at 678-2777 or the game club’s number at 678-9155 and leaving a message about how many tickets you want. A game club member will return your call and get your tickets for you. Tickets can also be purchased from any game club member. Seating is limited and only advanced sales are available for this event which usually sells out early.

Dixon City Council 2017

Really Good Thinking

 

*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

 

 *Modern warfare:  a $700 million plane drops a $1.5 million bomb on a $10.00 tent.

 

*I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!

*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment  …   now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

*Lord,  grant me the  strength  to accept the things I cannot change, the courage  to change  the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

* I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m very wise.

*My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

*The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

* I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

*When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

*I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

*Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

*Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

*At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

*I never know what to do with my arms when I’m running……..should I fold them?

*This is a problem.  I bought a collar with a bell on it for the damn cat… now I can’t sneak up on her to put it on.

 *Wonder why our kids are screwed up? According to Maxipad commercials…women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

*As a husband and father it troubles me that prisoners are given time in solitary confinement…I would gladly pay for some.

The worst design flaw of the human body is your outhole being able to perceive “spicy”.

 *My phone can hold 5000 songs… or one voice mail from the wife.

*I don’t eat breakfast in my underwear every morning, but when I do……….I used  to get escorted out of IHOP.

*When Kate Middleton went into labor do you think her OB/GYN said……..”I think the babies crowning!”

*If you suffer from both paranoia and procrastination…….is everyone out to get you, just not right now?

 *Instead of “once you go black you never go back” I prefer……”for that special occasion go Caucasian”.

*I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work… there’s just no way I can run that far.

 *If Kevin bacon never said to a lonely chick in a bar “want some bacon with your eggs?”… Life wouldn’t make sense anymore.

 *Not entirely sure what a “ppropriate” is……..but apparently I’m “in” it.

*The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called “acoustic” Qatar.

 *Oh migawd!  A turtle is coming to kill you…walk for your life!

 

*They were called jumpolines until my cousin got on one.

*Men think of arguments as single isolated events.  Women, in my experience, tend to think of them as installments… in some sort of perpetual continuum.

 *An optimist always thinks their one-third of the way towards having a threesome.

*The wife and I seem to play trivial pursuit continuously… she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

 *Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

*She left a note on the fridge “it’s not working.  Gone to my mom’s”… I opened it and got a beer, its cold, the damn thing’s working fine.

 *I can’t decide between “wish you were here” or “look behind you!”… Chiseled on my tombstone.

*Studies have shown that one in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is a homosexual… I hope it’s Dave, he’s really cute.  

*The neighbor’s dog has barked for the last three hours non-stop… now I know how the Koreans found out that dog make a tasty snack.  

 *According to my neighbor’s journal I have “boundary issues”.

*So this chick gets on the elevator and I ask her “going down?”… “no, she says, “but I’ve got time for a hug.”

 

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June 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com ( on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #681 (6-16-17)*

 

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For 680 Past columns ( uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

“Hands on” history lesson this Saturday

 

Pictured : Karissa Alarcon,left, a YOLO Frontloaders member from Dixon is seen instructing Linda Hickman,of Dixon, how to fire a thompson center black powder rifle ( circa 1840’s). In the other photo Linda’s granddaughter, Kaylee, is seen in the foreground (blue sweatshirt) firing a black powder rifle also.

 

                   

 

The “YOLO FRONTLOADERS” black powder muzzle loader club announced its annual one-day seminar this coming Saturday, June 17, which is held each year to educate the public on everything you always wanted to know about primitive weapons like the ones used in the civil war and by the frontiersmen in early American history up to and including the Alamo.

Seriously, The half day event is both educational and instructive with hands on opportunities to load and fire a black powder weapons and receive expert instructions on how throw things like hunting knives and tomahawks. The event brings American frontier history alive and explains just how difficult survival was in the early days of our country. Bring the kids and come out to the Yolo County airport and find the Yolo Sportsman shooting range and make the kids leave the cell phones at home and let them see history come alive and experience some of it first hand.

It is a family friendly event bringing history alive, in a hand on way, according to club President Rick Bello, of Dixon. You and your family can try your hand at frontiersman Tomahawk and knife throwing and actually shoot a black powder rifle, this Saturday, June 17, at the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, between Davis and Woodland, California

The event will be held this Saturday, June 17, from 9 a.m. to approximately 1:30 p.m. with a donation of $10 Adult / $8 Child under 12 (which Includes lunch and shoot) At the Yolo Sportsmen’s Association Range A great 24189 Aviation Avenue, Woodland, California opportunity to:

For more info contact: Rick Bello, President, (707) 693-6914 Tom Kulka, Vice President, (707) 853-5263 Dave Leonard, Shoot Director, (916) 722-2337 Scott Bell, Treasurer, (916) 599-5520 http://yolofrontloaders.com/

 

 

 

NRA Dinner in Dixon

To be held July 7th

 

Solano County Friends of NRA will be holding its annual fund raising dinner July7, from 5:30 to 10:30 at the old Vets Hall in downtown Dixon hosted by the Dixon Game and Conservation Club.

Tickets are now on sale at $60 each and can be purchased at Bud’s Pub and Grill or by calling Ed Coffelt at 67-2777 or the game club’s number at 678-9155 and leaving a message about how many tickets you want. A game club member will return your call and get your tickets for you. Tickets can also be purchased from any game club member. Seating is limited and only advanced sales are made for the event which usually sells out early.

There will be live and silent auctions, raffles, games with special hunts and safari packages up for grabs. As usual many new firearms will be available in the games, auction and raffle.

 

This is priceless!

 

 

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

The older lady said that she was right — our generation didn’t have the “green thing” in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “greenthing” back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off… Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

 More things for thought

 

*I’m thinking seriously about recreating the rose petal scene from American Beauty… only it’ll be me, naked, covered in Milky Way and Snickers wrappers.

*I used to dream of the day when my toddler could poop and the entire neighborhood wouldn’t have to hear him say he was done.

*There are more and more designer dogs being bred like the cavapools, labradoodles, and chugs… when is someone going to cross a bulldog with a shih tzu? And call it…..?

*No, autocorrect, the bride was not wearing a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble… although she can be devilish at times.

*My girlfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the “clap” emoji… but I’m just trying to tell her I have an STD.

*When my once father-in-law to be asked me how I was preparing for the future I told him I was binge buying Monopoly games… in anticipation of the time they might make Monopoly money legal tender.

*Just went to see the movie Failure to launch… it was a North Korean documentary.

*My 4-year old brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around and I told him, loudly, to stop hitting people with his Woody… another parenting error.

*People say that the actor Forest Whitaker has a lazy eye…. the other one, however, is a real go-getter.

When e-mails tell me to ‘act now’ I immediately begin reciting lines from Shakespeare.

*My grandson was watching a re-run of The Flintstones for the first time… “They made a show about vitamins? This is dumb!”

*Having children teaches you patience, heartbreak, humility, love…. and to never, ever be surprised when you find a Barbie doll clogging the toilet.

*I would imagine that if you’re really proficient in Morse code going to a tap-dancing recital would be extremely disconcerting.

*Does anyone else find it somewhat suspicious that Lassie always seems to be near when some unsuspecting child falls down a well?

*When asked who inspires me I responded “peter piper”.  When asked “what does he do?”… I replied, “It’s hard to say”.

*The lights were low as her finger traced a scar on my arm. “How did this happen?” she whispered…softly I replied, “are you familiar with scrapbooking?”

*Did anyone else return to their alma mater with their liberal arts degree and ask for a refund… “this did not work as promised!”

*It’s amazing how much you can get away with just wearing an orange vest and a hard hat… I’ve been leaning on a shovel in the women’s rest room for hours.

*The same friends who use to pressure me to do drugs and drink alcohol as a teen are now pressuring me to eat chia seeds and do CrossFit.

*Isn’t it crazy how some people consider swimming a sport…when the only alternative to it is drowning?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me kick the damn cat off an expensive area rug… before she pukes. 

*Substitute teaching in a first grade class was not at all like the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

*I led her to the bedroom and told her “this is where the magic happens”… then 4 rabbits jumped out of a hat as a flower squirted water in her eye.

*Missed opportunity:  she wanted classy…….I thot she said gassy.

*I’m sorry I misunderstood and passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips look very robust now… does that sting?

*Before you ask, yes, you can make cheese from moose milk… and no, I didn’t think she’d spook quite so easily either.

*I once lip-locked the soft ice-cream dispenser at the Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop…  so yes, I know a little about rejection.

*In bed I’m like the energizer bunny… no one’s paid any attention to me since 1997.

*One thing on my bucket list was to have an array of nude photographs taken exposing all my body contours in a tasteful fashion… the clerk at the DMV wasn’t very co-operative.

*My dog always seems so happy and energetic so I took her meds to see if they would help me… at least I won’t have any fleas or ticks this summer.   #

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June 10th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #679 (6-16-17)* By Ted Hickman. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

 

 

He plays another Trump card!

POTUS Trump pulls us out of the  Paris accord, where about 200 other nations signed a meaningless, toothless piece of paper pledging to do stuff; but left the bulk of the doing and funding to and on U.S. Trump tells them to shove it, the democrats do their “woe is me the sky is falling … he will be the end of us all.” The next day: ‘World leaders vow to boost efforts on global warming with the USA telling them they need to draw up a new and better, worthless document and a way of accomplishing goals WORLDWIDE.’ Our president, and shrewd businessman, said he will renegotiate a new and better agreement, where our country may lead and join, but not be the whole program. Isn’t this better than old milquetoast promising the world, and offering lots of our money to appease all of the other nations… NOW they’ve decided to play ball on an even ball field…

Another headline you need to search to find!

The lead headline reads… “Job market looks solid after 8 years of recession ended.” Who do you supposed the media credits with this… Pres Putin?


Why democrats need Anonymous sources to surive…

There are a couple of left winged, radical democratic Trump haters, given a special space in the Vacaville reporter to whine about how unfair it is to be on the losing end of an election where they got handed, and not to gently, their walking papers. This is the same couple that, week after week, complain about our president’s distorted and deluded views of the world… not like their, “ save us all logic.” Now they are whining about the public’s demand for creditability of putting your name where your words are. They want complete freedom for the fake news readers, including them to be able to do and say anything, blaming it on non-existent sources covered by the term anonymous sources. Like I had one of those sources tell me, these people are zealots and want to stomp on both the first and second amendments, blaming it on a source within Putin’s government working closely with Trump’s cousin?

They jabber about good journalist, but wouldn’t know one if they met one, because they don’t even have a clue about balanced news or fair and equal coverage… but this is what you get when you are reading their slanted crapolla.

 

The moronic inbred leader of N. Korea threatens us with one of his non-fizzling missiles and what does your president do? He sends up one of ours in that area and blasts it out of the sky as an example. I think maybe Kim Dum Do Do might be re-thinking trying to Launch a new one our way, my guess, it won’t make it far off the ground and deliver its pay load to his own people… How cool would that be?

 

Vacaville and Solano to become Sanctuary city/county?

Yep, that’s the word on the streets… Unfrigging believeable! All Vacaville elected and Solano County ones too, apparently, read the words but didn’t understand the oath of office they took…  WTF folks? The liberal disease is spreading to our common sense folks… woe is us!

 

More things for thought

*My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot… so I came back drunk.

Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages…….we just want to let them out and play with them.

There’s a fine line between being a lovable wise ass and a jerk…….and I seem to find a way to cross it every day.

 

Who’s the guilty one?  A wife is dreaming in bed and wakes up suddenly and shouts. “Quick, my husband is home!”…..this awakens her husband who gets up and jumps out the window.

Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do stupid shit is fired!

What do women say when they are actually fine?

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like some guy dragging his butt across the floor?

I took my granddaughter shopping for back-to-school supplies and asked the clerk “what’s a good school binder for my girl here?”  He said, “Trapper keeper?”……..uh, no, she’s my granddaughter.

Naming that space movie “gravity” makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic park something like “there’s no dinosaurs in this”…

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding…….I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

We’ve recently been selling a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash that promises to kill germs while it moisturizes at the same time……..such violence and nurturing from the same product.

Colin firth has a younger brother…….Colin the second.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes……..would you pick me up some beer on your way back?

I just sprayed ‘fruit scented febreze’ in my bathroom……now it smells like shitrus.

It’s good to know that if they ever release a lion in Wal-Mart you only have to run faster than the fat lady in the zebra-print pants.

Popeye teaches us a basic lesson……..the best reason to eat healthy is revenge.

When our cable service goes out I pretend my bed is a boat and play life of pi with the damn cat.

The next time I’m responsible for some horrible disaster that kills thousands of people I’m going to tell the judge I “work in mysterious ways”……just to see how far it gets me.

John 3:16, mark 3:17, Luke 3:18……..it was a really close race.

A friend of mine told me an onion was the only food that could make you cry…….that was just before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I’m telling my grandkids not to do drugs or alcohol, there’s a time and a place for everything…….it’s called college.

I hate it when I offer a friend a sincere, heartfelt compliment on their mustache……and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.

A study shows that public speaking is people’s number one fear while death is number two…….this means if you go to a funeral you’d be happier in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Life expectancy would be a great deal longer if vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it…….chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and econo2 out of 3 isn’t bad……unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

The best part of an argument is the makeup sex……unless you’re fighting with your brother.

A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar……everyone else leaves.

my boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”……especially ‘cuz his name is Craig.

Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat!

Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life……but it’s not me.  I think you’re a fool.

Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”? Why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

One of the lights in my bathroom is out……I look at least 10 years younger.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “dad, you’re not funny!” I could buy a house at the beach……and live alone.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth…….this is rarely a good thing.

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.  My personality is who I am……my attitude depends on who you are.

If someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately……you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

My father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

The neighbors loved the music so much once I turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

If God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

If you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax…..just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt……..turns out it was deodorant.  

And how is your day going? My wife looks for signs I’m cheating……but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself 5 years from now when I can’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago. 

If Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other….so it actually was a happy ending. Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear…….red, or white?There are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but I could never string enough of them together to properly express how much I’d like to hit you with a chair.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

I just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring……bad analogy.

The neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday…….she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I was teasing my granddaughter and said “when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.”……..she replied, “You’re already grown up.  You’ll be dead soon.”

A new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs…….now I have to worry about testing positive for moms.

The first time I went to Vegas I was asked to leave the casino……I misunderstood what the crap table was for.  

A friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head…..that’s nothing.  Husbands sometimes go for years.

I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…….their head is safely protected by their ass cheeks.

 

 

 

 

 

THESE SIMPLE TRICKS REALLY WORK!!

 

I check éd the out on Scopes and the are for real!

 Amazing, simple home remedies:

  1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.
  4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

 and always remember –

 Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.

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June 3rd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #678 (6-2-17)* By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

Now is the time to SELL!

If you have been thinking about selling your home or rental now, like today, is the time to do it. We are in that other side of the market where demand has exceeded supply and bang! You have a seller’s market. It won’t last forever but will last a while, but to get top dollar and a quick sale I would do it as schools let out, a normal prime time for home sales.

I/we, C-21 real Estate will be glad to help you and the company and its agents have buyers.  You can call the local office at 678-9211 or me on my cell phone at 707-372-7007 or Ted Seifert at 707-365-9597 and tell him I told you to call. It’s time to maximize your profits from a sale. We just sold one in Woodland for a Dixon couple for over $450,000 and had multiple offers in short order.

 

Dammit I’m Mad

is

Dammit I’m Mad spelled backwards!

I’m not trying to beat a dead horse…

… Like I said I’m not trying to beat a dead horse or anything BUT… The so called “news media just keeps keeping on with their slanted, biased crap they spew out daily. From the editorializing “new reporters” on every Sacramento TV station, down to the Vacaville Reporter… they just keep spewing crap.

Not one of the “news readers” even has a clue how to write and honest story… just watch and listens carefully. Journalism 1-A beats into students, “who, what, when, where and how and Why…” listen and read their stuff and you’ll see the essentials missing,  many times replaced with their stupid opinions.

Just this past week the conservative hating Reporter from cow town ran this headline for a story… “More records, barley, as stocks rise for 7th day (what a crock). Had it been the media puppet Obama still doing his thing it would have read stock market sets records seven days in a row… see what I mean? 

Every day, especially in broad cast news you have to listen carefully and consider the source. The brain damaged Pelosi and Feinstein get big time coverage saying stupid stuff and Trump is pot shotted daily; even hourly.

Do me a favor and watch and listen carefully for just a week and you’ll see what I’m saying is true I have a whole folder of examples, but you are smart enough, if you take the time, to see through this attempted brain washing of America by the few that control everything you see, hear and read. And the news readers who call themselves “reporters” should be ashamed but they have to make q living don’t they? It’s the golden rule personified… “He who has the gold rules…” The rest of us can fight for the crumbs of truth and dollars.

 

More things for thought


I sure hope Hell freezes over soon……..several women have promised me a lot of action as soon as that happens.

It was a really sad day when I discovered my universal remote control did not, in fact, control the universe…….not even remotely.

 

When a woman is attracted to a man she speaks in a higher pitch than normal……which explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Barry White.

 

A true gentleman is a man who can play the accordion… but doesn’t.

 

I only attended this wedding because it’s being officiated by the bishop…          I’ve always wanted to observe a person who only moves diagonally.

Always had the worst luck as a kid.  Jumped into a haystack… got a needle stuck in my ass!

Be decisive.  Right or wrong always make a decision…the road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

HER:  “I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully”… PASTOR:  “and I understand the groom has also written his own vows.”

“It’s the small things that make me the happiest!”…….enthusiastic microbiologist.

Every time I put my debit card in the ATM I say a little prayer that some fool has accidentally transferred millions of dollars into my account……please! Somebody be that stupid! Please! 

Always remember every problem is an opportunity to create an even bigger debacle.

This day in history 2005:  Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses…….or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

I pick up my dog’s poop with an empty Snicker’s wrappers……what I do with it after that is strictly on a ‘need to know’ basis.

Don’t half-ass anything……whatever you do always use your full ass.

There are two ways of arguing with a woman…….neither one of them works!  

If I ever offend you cry me a river, and I shall appear bringing snacks and a raft.  I will literally float down a river of your tears…….chewing beef jerky and working on my tan.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Thot I might do well competing on the American Ninja Warrior reality show………then I tripped over a throw rug and subsequently put that dream to bed.  

Been there, done that…….then been there several more times because apparently I never learn.

when you think about how huge the earth is…..and yet how it’s just a fraction of the size of the sun……which in turn is just a speck of dust in the overall universe…….it’s pretty easy to rationalize eating a whole pan of brownies.  

I’m not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower………or if he took one look at me naked and jumped willingly to his death.

 

You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat……..hoping to connect with a kid.

Were you aware that you can be asked to leave the gym if you use a laser pointer to highlight the areas people should work on? Well, you can.

What’s the hardest part of dating a blind girl…….getting her husband’s voice right?

I took some of these male enhancement pills in order to “be a better man”……..however, as of yet I’ve not noticed any significant improvement in earning ability, athleticism or parenting skills.

A giant rabbit died on an airline flight.  a short, bald man wearing a funny hat is being questioned……..but he’s being “very, vewy quiet”.

It was a three-way stand-off……..a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner and a dog with a loaf of bread.

Once, in everyone’s life, you come across that one special person…….that makes you think the prison food just might be worth it.

It’s a good thing that they specify uses for all of our brushes…….differentiating things like a toothbrush from a toilet brush and get very confusing.

In the midst of a very romantic kiss she asked in breathy whisper “do you want to take my shirt off?”……..and I replied, in a similar breathy whisper, “I’m not wearing your shirt!”

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