October 14th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #698 (10-13-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Mark Twain: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

 

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

I just keep asking this question to make a point. There are so many thing to do every weekend in this area I can’t count them all. But maybe I’ll hit on something that will get you off your butt, off the couch, and away from things life the NFL disrespecting our Vice President in his own home state, by none other than your S.F. 49ers… (their “owners” should be ashamed when their players/people they own, embarrass them on world wide T.V. (does that not have a racist ring to it? … and NBA malcontents… Screw them, turn off the TV and go out and do something.

I mean like last week my first wife Linda and I went pheasant hunting with her new lightweight 20 gauge O/U shotgun I got her last month for our 50+ anniversary… You kind of run out of new ideas after five or so decades… She had trouble swinging the older heavier one and on her first shot with the new one she actually swung and shot too soon… Better early than late I guess. Our Brittany pointed and waited for her and I (was taking photos) to verity she got this one for sure. She had “shot” a couple birds in the past few years but other hunters shot about the same time so she was never truly convinced she got the birds although everyone said she did. This time there was no mistake since she had the only gun in the field… Not bad for a 70 something grandma huh?

Sooo… That was Friday. Saturday we went to our granddaughter’s soccer game in town at 9 followed by attending Lambtown where we then worked our shift, and had a good FFA bar-b-que, on the run, as I rushed off to the Lions Club poker tourney/ fundraiser.

Seriously folks, if you’ve never been to the Lambtown celebration at the fairgrounds (this year had a record attendance,) or had a fun evening with a great bunch of people playing cards and donating to one of Dixon’s prime charity supporting organizations, you should mark your calendars for next year; I guarantee you will enjoy them both.

            I’m perturbed I arrived at Lambtown a little late and just missed the PETA protesters. Pat the Mayfair manager was delighted I missed them. She has the Greg Coppes attitude of: “Don’t give them what they want and make a somebody out of a nobody… “Ignore them and they will go away, she did and they did; much better than my confrontation method which I’ve done twice at the fairgrounds. Two years ago on the first day I showed them my press credentials and said I had a few questions. After asking what their belts and purses were made of and what kind of interior was in their cars I asked what vegetables they had murdered today to sustain themselves… I asked for a pamphlet, they wouldn’t give me one and left. After the first day they didn’t come back to “work” for  the second. They did come, saw me heading towards them and I guess  decided it wasn’t a good day to hassle people and left without handing out a flyer. I was told I may hear from their legal people but apparently they chocked on a piece of spinach or something because I’m still waiting for a challenge to my first amendment rights. I am a bumper sticker carrying member of PETA, People Eating Tasty Animals (no kidding I have a bumper sticker from the Broken Arrow Oklahoma Beef Jerky outlet to prove it. BTW I/we (the whole family) do belong to that PETA group and the poor beautiful bird that gave up its life to Annie Oakley Hickman made a fine dinner… My buddy is a member too and had fresh salmon for dinner. Like I said, what did you do last weekend? I have Levis older than most of your so there is no reason for you to be married to your couch or the indoors when there is so much going out in the world. A fishing buddy of mine, Fred Vanderwold, went salmon fishing in the Sacramento river while we were pheasant hunting and he and two buddies limited out on fresh run fish (2 apiece, that’s six fish). Don’t have a boat? You can Gogglea sac river salmon guide and you and yours can make the trip yourself.

Hilary In the PROD; V.P. Pence In Sacto

Yep, Monday saw Hilary go to the People’s Republic Of Davis to address a sold out audience there to hear about and buy her book, “How I lied and screwed up a sure thing and made fools of the mass media”… or “What Happened,” or something like that. UCD used to be Ag school, now it’s a liberal foreign student body made up of mostly of English as a second language wealthy students… who lined up to listen to her whiny crap. Meanwhile in Sacramento VP. Pence visited at the same time, a day after leaving an NFL football game right after the national anthem and the S.F. 49ers embarrassing themselves, us, our state and their owners by kneeling, knowing the V.P. was there. Hope these ingrates are happy… outside their little patting each other on the backs cliques, they are all considered woefully morally inadequate.  Sacto’s Mayor Steinberg’s troops greeted our vice president with sign like “you stink”, and worse. Daryl must be so proud… You schmuck.

I’m embarrassed for him, our state, our vets, and feel pain for our nation as the mass media again tries to make news where there was none and create and print fake news… enough is enough. When they start their crap, for the first time in my life I just turn them off, turn off the news, the NFL and NBA.

POTUS: “I asked @VP Pence to leave stadium if any players kneeled, disrespecting our country. I am proud of him and @SecondLadyKaren”… US too!

Some More Things For Thought

  1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

  2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

  3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

  4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

  5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

  6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

  7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

  8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).

  9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries).

  10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

  11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

  12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

  13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

  14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

  15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

  16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this?

  17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

  18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

  19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

  20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

  21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

  22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

  23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

  24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

  25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest..

  26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

  27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

  28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

  29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

  30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

  31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

  32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

See… now wasn’t that calming and nice for a change?

Not to mention how much smarter you’ve now become!

 

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October 6th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #697 (9-29-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 696 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Tomorrow night, October 7 is the annual

Dixon Lions Club Texas Hold’em night

The Dixon Lions Club annual fund raising Texas Hold’em poker tournament is tomorrow (Saturday) at the old Legion Hall downtown. Doors open at 6 p.m. with cards being dealt starting at 7. For tickets call 707-344-7651 or just show up…  We always play (see small stack of chips in front of me third from the right) and you should too! It’s only $75 and comes with a tri-tip sandwiches, no host bar and a relaxed evening playing a casual game… and all for a great cause, with prizes for the final table! If you’ve never played in one of these before come on down. All the proceeds go right back into the community through the Lions club’s different charity support efforts.

 

POTUS; One Tough Dude…!

          Can you imagine winning an election that the media of the entire world said you would lose? Then immediately get hit with the incredulous charge that the Russians of all people had something to do with the American people selecting you as their choice… then the Demoncrats started a mass media smear campaign from day one. They put enough pressure on a few of his staff members that several folded and could no longer follow their leader?  Wednesday he nailed NBC again for documented “fake News” and has pretty much told the entire mass media sans One America News network to kiss his butt and has called them on many of the pure B.S. Stories they’ve run…He runs his own media communications through the electronic media Twitter and it pisses off the big guys so bad they could… Could do what that they already haven’t done? Screw them.

Guts, cjones, and a keen sense of right and wrong… Did we make the right choice or what? Could you see Barry or Hilary standing up to all of this… yeah, right. Fake new, made up scandals and a string of horribly fake media attempts to discredit this man who is keeping all of these wienies alive.

                        This is where it gets interesting… Start with the Demoncrats NFL owners that fabricated a hassle out of our POTUS standing up for our flag, our Vets, and our people while the multi zillionaires kneel to protest problems they refuse to do anything about except whine, and protest, and bad mouth our POTUS… WTF? I know the Demoncrats have a lot of money and are backed by a lot of gullible people buying the bull they sling, owning the mass media and all… But how the hell did they arrange for a hurricane to hit Texas, then another to hit Florida and then still another to level Puerto Rico testing the mettle of even this our strongest man, his party and our government.

Then the Demoncrats pounced on the biggest mass murder in US history (right in the middle of all of this and said he should have been in Las Vegas, Puerto Rico and Florida all at the same time… (Give me a friggin break… he’s only on man.) and in the midst of all of this their puppet Mayor of Puerto Rico cries to grab worldwide headlines bad mouthing the POTUS while she sits on her ass whining about the USA, all-the-while our country is spending billions and sending thousands to bail them out of their ill constructed collapsed buildings while trucks, filled trailers and supplies sat on their docks because their truck drivers wouldn’t/couldn’t deliver the needed supplies we sent.. and she continued to bad mouth our POTUS until… in his admirable style, as much as told her to shut up, get up and get HER people working to help HER people fix HER country because our people were there in mass with billions of our tax dollars trying to help bail them out…You gotta love this guy… Yeah, almost forgot about Kim Dopey Dung and his North Korean threats to nuke us… How can one man, the POTUS, cope with all of this and stay as strong as he is? Could you see Obama or Clinton try to weather these storms without folding like a deck of cards and giving in to everyone’s demands and playing patty cake with the Korean nut job.

Notice Kim Dopey Dung has cut out a lot of his crap because he knows we have a man in charge that will turn his entire worthless nation into burnt toast with the slightest provocation… and do this with the support of our entire country and the entire world…You ever thought you’d like to be president? Well, think again. His “bring it bitch” attitude is what has kept the Korean idiotic leader in check…so far. If one of his missiles heads our way his fanatical poverty stricken people will have no more starvation, disease or other problems to worry about… and it would be no big loss.

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

Friday was the Dixon High School “Homecoming” football game. I have shot these games, off and on, for newspapers since the 60’s and a lot has changed but a lot has stayed the same. I had the camera ready and was set to photograph anyone doing anything other than showing respect for our national anthem and flag. To my surprise and pride BOTH teams and all coaches stood at attention,  hats and helmets off and hands over their hearts showing the proper respect. It made me feel both good and proud of these young men who are apparently being raised correctly.

To get good sports pictures you have to stay ahead of the action and anticipate where the action will take place. You have to be on the move constantly and I’ve wondered for year just how far I walked in a night covering two games. The answer last week was: 1.9 miles or 5,263 steps… (See more photos on page_6 of newspaper). Two photos are worthy of space here too. One made be proud to be from Dixon and the other was a great prank pulled off by the senior girls in response to the senior boys “streaking” during the girl’s powderpuff game a few days before. The Girls, between quarters in various forms of undress (like swimwear, etc.) and without school knowledge “streaked” the whole field in a matter of seconds to the delight and surprise of the crowd. The publisher wouldn’t include it in the overall game photos so here it is:

Saturday was the 17th annual “Scottish Games held in Dixon at the Mayfair Grounds. If you missed this on make sure to mark your calendar for next year as a thing you want to do. Thanks in large part to Bill and Sandy Scott this year’s event was one of the best ever. They had to take over when their head guy got into a head-on collision and dropped out of the planning cycle. The Scot’s pulled it off in style and hundreds enjoyed the day’s events and vendors. From bagpipes to a women’s college rugby tournament and the Scottish games themselves everyone seemed to have a great time.

More Things For Thought

 

*All I want is for my kids to have good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny… they just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

*I asked my copilot if “d73h” meant anything to him… because I just spotted some guy on a beach and it seems quite important to him.

*I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react to seeing a baby… it makes me want another one of my own.

*”They say that some of the greatest historical minds could function on very little sleep”… I remarked to the raccoon in the yard as I sprayed water on the car at 4am.

*The aging tom Cruise breaks an ankle doing all his own terrifying stunts… I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper.

*Whoever named our most lethal weapons “missiles” wasn’t very optimistic.

*Went out to buy a new bed.  Found one that looked good.  The wife remarked, “Solid, substantial, who makes it?”… Sales guy replied, “Well, I would assume whoever gets up last.”

*It’s always considerate to tell someone during a natural disaster to “stay safe”…….just in case they didn’t know.

*What I really love about air fresheners is how they make your bathroom smell… like someone just pooped in your rose garden.

*”The soft gentle snowflakes rapidly swirl in the moonlit night sky”…..reminds me of the time my mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck across the house at dad for taking her youth.

*The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I’ve paid extra for shipping.

*Me as a Sunday school teacher… “And then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so the soldiers who died in battle would have eternal life”.

*”You made your bed, now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like much of a punishment to me, I love a freshly made bed… and other 5am thoughts.

*Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

*It’s not considered harmless “people watching”… if you do it thru their bedroom window with your nose pressed to the glass, apparently.

*I caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog so his mom said I could yell at him anytime I like… had a bad day so I think I’ll go see if he’s home.

*When facing a natural disaster fill your pockets with wieners… that way the search dogs will find you first.

*I think I’m in pretty good shape for a middle aged man who believes the multi-vitamin I take each morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

*Tommy Lee Jones has the oddest facial expression… he always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

*On HGTV: she’s a specialist in macaroni art.  He creates pictures of Jesus on toast… “Our budget is 1.2 million”.

*I remember years ago taking a walk with my mother and stepping on a crack.  Then a loud, piercing woman’s scream from a distance… mom said, “I guess it’s time to tell you you’re adopted.”

*Missing cat! Answers to the name “chancellor parsons”… which is really aggravating because we named him Phil.

*Immortal aliens were studying us… ‘After about 80 years, give or take, they enter a larval stage and lay dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.’

*Sex is a lot like twin peaks… I’m not exactly sure what’s going on but I like it.

*If by “prepped for Irma” you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out? Then yes, I’m prepped for Irma.

*Had a good time at the 50th high school reunion last night… also returned the book I still had “how to stop procrastinating”.

*Dating is simply the act of collecting information about a person… until you know enough to know you don’t like them.

*What do you call the soft tissue that you find in between a sharks teeth… the slowest swimmer?

*What wine goes well with two insufferable teenagers, an oppressive boss, and insurmountable credit card debt?

*I got fired from my job as a diesel fitter in a women’s panties factory… we would hold the panties up, inspect them and say “dese’ll fit her!”

 

 

 

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October 1st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #696 (9-29-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 695 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

NFL-NBA Can Stuff Themselves

On Friday, President Donald Trump criticized players who protest by failing to stand for the national anthem, causing players, coaches and owners around the NFL to “take a stand”.  You half a dozen or so regular readers thought I might have something to say about this little debate didn’t you. So, not to disappoint… and to say what you can only think

The POTUS said: “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, say: “Get that son of a bitch off the field right now,” Trump said, “Out. He’s fired. He’s fired,” Trump said as he stood in front of a giant American flag at a campaign rally for Alabama senator Luther Strange. You know he’s right and most level headed Americans agree with him… folks are just plain fed up. All current military and vets, and many in law enforcement and their relatives agree with him too… I certainly do.

“Free speech”? These yahoos have it and so do I/we. Screw them and their protests. We, the weak and penny less by comparison, have some strength by numbers in the marketplace and they need to be reminded in the strongest terms, that, in reality, it is US who pay their incredible out-of-whack salaries.

If you are active military, or a veteran (American Legion or VFW especially)  you have to seriously reconsider adding to the wealth of any player, team or sponsor by buying a ticket or products of anyone, or team that condones disrespect for this country or our flag.

These pompous, overpaid ego maniacs seem to think they are making some kind of a statement, instead they are showing their true colors. They make millions a year and cry about injustice but how many have ever served our country and put the U.S. above themselves? The answer…very few.

With the combined wealth that exceeds many smaller impoverished countries’ total budgets they cry, wanting even more and giving less. With the hundreds of millions made by the NFL and NBA players they could all contribute and have a huge fund dedicated to helping solve the problems that they all see all of a sudden. Lame brained LeBron James, an oversized mutant with a game point average higher than his IQ, called the POTUS a “bum”…  some icon huh?   Other NBA fools joined the “bandwagon” of  “oppressed” multi millionaires…  Steph Curry really hurt the POTUS by not going to the white house, why? Because it’s “white”? He should stick to three pointers for which he “earns” like $10,000 a basket.  Poor Curry NOW wants to become political. Kids, don’t idolize him anymore… just take his route (hard work and dedication) to make the big bucks he earns… This group, many of whom got a free ride from this country since birth have the gall to speak poorly of it. All white players for the most part seem to appreciate this country because they had to work harder, mostly on their own for their success. You don’t see many of them taking part in this nonsense. This country, the demented seem to detest so much, either gave them, or made it possible for them to have what they have…many got a free government ride from the get-go (grants and scholarships) ride to the pros… Not many went through school on academic scholarships. Apparently repeated blows to the helmet have blurred their memories.

If the NBA and NFL owners want to get political the POTUS should accommodate their wishes to help the masses and pass a special franchise tax and tax the owners, stockholders and players to the max and put those funds into a special “help to the minority whoever/wwhatever fund”. Boy you’d hear the players scream then… I guarantee you. “You want us to pay for this stuff?”

College players who follow this dimwitted lead should lose all federal funding and scholarships.  High school students following their idol’s lead could make themselves exempt from federal grants and scholarships. There has to be a downside to crossing the “free speech line’ over to anarchy where the inmates run the institutions (like the UC system)

Many only got through life and school with our government’s funds and grants and few have put their money where their big mouths are when it comes to solving social problems…But NO, it’s easier to take swipes at the POTUS for saying what the vast majority think…  Stand up, show some pride or get the hell out.

There is no other place on earth these spoiled ingrates could have gotten to where they are now. They would be digging ditches or some such job wishing they could come to this great country… Instead what do they do? They bad mouth and bite the hand that has fed them since birth… I’d love to see the POTUS levy heavy penalties against all pro sports owners who allow and condone disrespect towards our country. Raise their taxes and that of the babied, spoiled roles models for our youth… I’ve even seen where the disrespect they are spewing had quickly filtered down to high school and some high school schmuck in Sacramento actually encouraged his players to do the same crap. They should pay somehow. The school board there needs to be recalled and real Americans put in their place…FREE speech? There is nothing free about it. Millions have given much to preserve the right of these idiots to mouth off and bite the hand that has fed them since birth.

How about making these zillionaires put some of their big bucks where their mouths are. Put a special tax on those who make over $5, 10, 15, 25million and setup programs to help fight whatever injustices they seem to think they know so much about. It’s disheartening to see these mentality defunct star athletics as role models for our children. But they have the money, cars, women and bling that youngsters admire and somehow equate that to these super egos also have a super-sized brain… when a lot of them may have gotten out of high school and/or college barely able to read and write… most however, are smart enough to get business agents because they know they aren’t the brightest bulb on the tree.

Don’t buy NFL/NBA game tickets, shirts or trinkets and boycott any and all of their sponsors and let them know why… I know it probably won’t make a big difference, but in some small way we can protest these Mensa men’s lack of respect our own way!

A couple of stellar exceptions have come to the forefront like: Drew Brees: “Respecting The Flag is More Important than Making a Point “I will always believe that we should be standing and showing respect to our flag.” Fighting against racism does not mean failing to treat the American flag with respect, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees said Sunday.

After the New Orleans Saints defeated the Carolina Panthers, what happened on during the game took second place to the growing furor over protests that occurred during the playing of the national anthem.

Crowd erupts in boos as owner and coward Jerry Jones and entire Dallas Cowboys (used to be “America’s Team, now just shameful punk ingrates) team kneel live on Monday Night Football “to pray.” (B.S. —praying they won’t lose revenue from this spectacle)

Football fans across America were clamoring for the jersey of Pittsburgh Steelers offensive tackle Alejandro Villanueva (U.S. Army Vet) on Monday, a day after the former Army Ranger broke team orders by being the only player to come out of the locker room for the national anthem.

 

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

 

Some folks don’t know I’m also Outdoor Editor of the IV so I have to stick in some outdoor stuff every now and then. This past week our fishing family split with our eldest son, Trey, and his daughter Shannon, 13, an eighth grader at C. A Jacobs went to the bay where she landed a big 51 inch leopard shark, and a seven gill, plus many others… It was the largest leopard that boat had ever caught there. You can see by the photo where this good eating  fish gets its name.

            On the delta side of the Bay Fred Vanderwold and I went to check out the salmon run (which hasn’t arrived yet) and instead had to settle for Black Bass and Strippers. Strippers are just starting to appear and the black bass are getting healthier and heavier preparing for winter.  Both of these trips were within like an hour or so of home. Where else do you have so many options, for so many things, so close to home? That’s not even mentioning upland game and birds plus deer seasons opening… So much to do… so little time. Duck/goose season is right around the corner and Hastings Island has already opened for pheasants… what to do, woe is me, what to do?

More Things For Thought

*I’m obviously getting older.  I just forgot the word ‘menu’… so I asked for a ‘map of the food’.

*”Guys, if you pass on the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “shake it off” to other fellas standing at the urinals… you might as well just use the stall.

*Rachel ray is now marketing cat food made from real beef… just like the cows my damn cat would eat in the wild.

*I hate it when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight… and they’re already unbuttoned.

*I’ve reached the age where I have to do all manner of isometric exercises and other stuff… just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

*I’m positive I heard an audible gasp from my car… as I drove past the liquor store.

*We fully expect that one day the mailman or the UPS guy will murder our entire family… and the dog’s only comment will be “ha! Who needs to quit yapping and lay down now?”

*People overcome adversity all the time.  For instance Beethoven… they told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

*The mailman told me he was off to vacation in Spain.  So I asked if he was going to ‘parcelona’… the key to a good mailman joke is the delivery!

*Asking the judge if he goes commando under his robes is almost a surefire way to get out of jury duty.

*Amazon has always apparently been problematic… in the 1920’s it was piranha, in the 1990’s it was the loss of the rain forest, and now?  It’s always the wrong size.

*It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie have the same name… my screenplay, “twelve guys named mike” will address this.

*For the record… laughter does absolutely nothing to relieve diarrhea.

*On the fourth of July it’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers in the air… don’t ruin it with talk about ‘calorie counts’ and ‘hair on fire’!

*I read that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden… how in hell will I know when it’s raining in Sweden?  

*I was shocked to learn as an adult that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on peanut butter cookies wasn’t a family secret!

*I love that old revolutionary war saying about shower sex, “don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

*Automatic doors don’t work when you’re running full speed……I know that now.

*When you drive around UCD be careful to look out for bikes… sometimes they’re not chained up and you can just pull over and take them.

*As a kid I informed my mother that FBI was not really an acronym but rather an ‘initialism’, because you can’t pronounce it as a word………she replied, “This is why you have no friends.”

*Someone just told my sister-in-law to dim the lights… and called it a beauty tip.

*I’m so tired of all these credit card payment machines telling me to “remove card rapidly”…  I’m developing a new machine for people who desire to remove their card at a chiller pace.

*Call me old fashioned but I never cry in front of another man… unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket.

*I resent the fact that everyone tries to belittle me by focusing on my manners and saying that I must have been raised by a pack of wolves……but you should see me take down a caribou.

*For sale:  newly renovated 4 bedrooms, 3 bath home.  Great attention to detail. Beautifully done… spider on ceiling.

*”Are you left-handed?”… people who see me writing with my left hand apparently curious if I’m just doing it for show.

*Hg TV has a new show about a contractor and his ever-present dog who buys cheap properties, renovates them, and flips them for big bucks……they’ve titled it ‘fixer pupper’.

*They were kissing on a small love seat. She says, “we should have threes…”  He jumps in:” I’ll call Karen”!  She continues, “….three seater.  Who’s Karen…”I believe she sells furniture”, he replied.

*”Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It’s been 23 years since my last confession… I hope you’re seated comfortably.”

*What do you call somebody with no body and no nose…nobody knows.

 

 

 

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September 23rd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #695 (9-22-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 694 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

It’s about time! Five Decades It Took

First of all “Magic Beans” (Magic Beano could be better) is a stupid name for a smart proposal…ignore it.

Starting in the 1960’s when I served my first elected term as a Dixon City Councilman (the youngest elected official in the state at the time…) I kept imploring the city and the powers that be (or is that beed?)  to dovetail our city’s economic growth with the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis)/or at least UCD just across the highway. I insisted then, as I do now, and have for four various elected terms, in the 60’s 70’s & 80’s that it is in Dixon’s,  and our citizen’s,  best interest to have development along or near the highway that gives us economic growth and benefits both our peoples in line with the future plans of the university. It only makes sense right? The PROD people  have their heads screwed on so crooked and even voted down a plan to have a bio-tech research center of their own, that would have given them a ‘live where you work complex’ within their precious city limits.  Tell you what egg-heads; we will be happy to have an upscale development that provides good paying professional jobs, quality housing and support businesses within our city limits… providing for future betterment of mankind… that you snobs shot down with your idiotic NIMBY attitudes… So where’s this going?

For over a year, the city has been meeting with executives from the Stronach Group (the ones who almost brought us “Dixon Downs” on the property they own across the highway (south) from Pedrick Produce.) The company is now pitching a novel concept of developing a research/development park on their property which would meld up-to-date and futuristic bio tech and research labs and support businesses into a complex which would encompass a live where you work complex (which is the way of the future with I-80 at almost a total impaction at times now, and will not to get better in the future.)

Simply stated they say they want to build a complex where bio-tech, research and development labs and other futuristic business merge into a village like community where you could bike or walk to work and where you could have a self-contained community with a like-minded workforce. They would be part of our city (within the Dixon limits) linked by bus and bikes, but separate. This “innovation village” as its being called, which has been in the conceptual pre-planning stage, was presented to city officials recently to see if it would fly. In a rare joint meeting of the city council and planning commission the group was invited to start the actual permit process. This could be the start of the economic gold rush of sorts for the city in the northeast quadrant, without impacting the current lifestyles of inner city residents. It’s long overdue and the economic boost it would give the city, with little requested in return, is certainly worth pursuing through the planning and permit stage. Right now, it’s just a concept but could become a reality in a rather short period of time if everything is as it appears to be and things pan out as presented… We’ll just have to follow this and wait and see what happens. But all I can see in the future is good for our citizens should this all come to pass. The city staff is to be commended for making this idea possibility.

Oh yeah, we (the city) are about to open the application process for“cannabis dispensaries” within the city limits. We’re probably looking at least one medical dispensary and some “doobies are us joints” looking to open here. More on this later too.

I am doing this as a public service.

Please Boycott and do NOT use the $1.00, $20.00, $50.00, & $100.00 bills, as they depict slave owners on them. Please send them to me, and I will see to it that they are disposed of properly!

It’s not toughFrom the email bag.

I get between 50 and 100 emails every day that are at least worth looking at and from 100 to 200 each day that go into the spam file, plus 100’s of thousands of views on my web page. I can tell you many people are pissed… at many things, without any way of expressing their frustrations… Like: Why aren’t all looters/rioters  arrested on the spot and/or shot? During the time of a disaster looting of one’s home or business should be a capital crime.

Or: When people are told there’s a pending disaster and told to evacuate… and then they don’t go, why do we have to pay for their stupidity? Why should first responders put their lives on the line to help those who refused to help themselves?

 

“I want all of your rights for life without any responsibilities… DACA

 

Why don’t we just stand by and let your California  Mensa folks, AKA Jerry Brown, our head loonie and his UC way over paid counterpart Janet Napolitanouse our taxpayer dollars to sue our federal government? They are just trying to protect hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens from being forced to do the right thing like millions of others have had to do.

 

The DACA gang (Doing All you Can to Avoid responsibility) had all of these years to apply for citizenship and have refused, and now many, on the taxpayer dollars, are in college crying about the system that raised them …free. Free from payment, free from worry about money, housing, clothing, food and medical care. The only thing they are not free from now is the fear of deportation because they haven’t cared enough, until now, about our country to register for citizenship. Technically, their parents should be arrested and deported for smuggling illegal aliens (them) here in the first place and they now also should be given a set period to sign up or shut up. We would be whining just like them if we were one of them and we would have done the same smart thing if we were their parents…for our children… But we’re not. We’re  ones who’s left paying the never ending bill for them both… Joke’s on us huh? The free ride without responsibility has to end someday; the people that are paying their bills are frankly, just fed up.

 

I guess you heard Jerry’s great plan to drain northern California of its last drop of water has hit another snag? His $416 BILLION boondoggle is suffering a financial drought with expected federal monies drying up… Boo Hoo. None of the state’s major water districts are willing to help pay for his crazy plan to fill his friend’s (Financial backers) swimming pool and toilets in Southern Ca.  Jerry is taking heat from all sides. His absolutely crazy ideas of building twin tunnels to drain much needed water from us to send south, coupled with his other pipe dream to build a bullet train between Sac and LA are doing great except for the funding woes and backers backing out, again, boo, hoo. He doesn’t want his important legislators; carrying the votes the demos need, stuck in traffic on IS 80 like the rest of us. That’s why he wants a speed train from LA to the capitol and for us to pay for it. Both of these financial disasters now look like they will forced upon the taxpayers along with his expensive lawsuits against the our U.S. (us)  government…  Is there nothing we can do about this political nightmare?

Free speech at Bezerkley B.S.

News Flash: Rally on the quad at noon today to protest free speech being allowed during “free speech week”. The only free speech to be allowed is what us, the loudmouth minority wants to hear. If they don’t adhere to our demands, lets protest, riot and give folks another reason to loot and get TV’s and new shoes… OK?

Sanctuary cities, i.e. San Fran, Davis, and Sacramento should lose all federal funding and let the tax payers bear the burden of cost of the stupid decisions made by their elected officials who have gone against their sworn oath of office and turned traitors against the United States.  Everyone that goes against their oath to, “uphold the constitution” should be immediately removed from office for violating that oath to which they swore… We hopefully will fulfill our oaths and mandate our law enforcement officers enforce the law and uphold their oaths. To hell with the radical left now in charge of our state… What are they gonna do, sue us?

Your governor is in the same boat, took the same oath, and has now resurrected the saying, “If it’s Brown flush it”.  This “servant of the people” is going to make the whole state a sanctuary state and “order” law enforce not to do its sworn duty… The commie clown who is mayor of Sacramento is making his city a “safe place” too and you know what he has? With almost 2,000 elected city officials from throughout the state visiting last week we were treated to a wonderful site. With about a police car per street in the down town area they were vastly outnumbered by the homeless, drug addicts and derelicts laying on the streets and lurking in every alley way and dark spot. Just walking to old Sacramento from the tunnel by the Holiday Inn near dark was an experience. It was creepy and uncomfortable, I kept my hand on my hip and I was glad I wasn’t a lone woman trying to go from here to there. But their mush mouthed Mayor is planning to build hundreds of houses for his homeless, which he continues to import, creating a new slum for the 21st century… Nice going Daryl… You’re on the right track though, you and your city council agreeing to pay gang members if they don’t kill people? let us know how that works out for you will ya? Probably 1,000 people weren’t killed last week huh?  You’re already paying people not to work, not to become citizens …what’s next, paying people not to see the mess you’ve made…Pay them to stay away from Sac?

BTW… He appeared as a welcoming speaker at the huge local elected officials meeting in Sac last week and was met with a less than an enthusiastic welcome.

Who’s a gonna Nuke who? US hopefully

How about we neuter the nation?  Whenever you hear about North Korea in conjunction with the word “nuclear,” your worries likely fixate on their atomic weapons, which have apparently been miniaturized to fit onto an ICBM. This is a worry for the United States, but it may not be our biggest problem involving Pyongyang’s attempts to build up its nuclear arsenal: According to a report from a Japanese newspaper, North Korea may be on the verge of building a nuclear-powered submarine. A nuclear submarine would be much easier to operate silently for months on end, and it could present a new platform from which Pyongyang could fire ballistic missiles. The report claims that the submarine has been under construction since January with the help of Russian and Chinese engineers (of course) at the Nampo Naval Shipyard along North Korea’s western coast. Not good. Not good at al

 

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

 

No Comments »

September 16th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #695 (9-22-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Now “bite me” has a new meaning…

It’s a seven gill shark our son Trey caught last week fishing for leopard sharks out of Matrinez.

This will be my “bite me” photo in the future and will need no words. It sums it up rather well don’t you think?

 

Why I’ve Enjoyed Being a Reporter

 Reporters are generally interesting people to know because if they have been at it for a while they know a little about a whole lot of things. Over the past five decades I’ve asked myself things like: I wonder what it’s like to jump out of an airplane, did a story on it and found out. How about, how do they top the trees so neatly in all of the orchards? Went out and found out, etc. The latest “I wonder” was, “I wonder how they tear down an overpass?” Last Saturday night from about midnight to about 2:30 in the morning I got a front row seat, in a surreal setting, to see how they do it, up close and personal.

As a reporter folks are glad to share information, insights and opinion on just about any topic. With Cal Trans folks helping I witnessed, at times an eerie, strange, and almost unreal scene that gravitated from looking like Tonka toys at work to like being in a giant robot, or a Transformer movie on a strange planet. Between the cement dust and various lighting it was both pretty cool and weird at times.

Picture # 1 shows the beginning of the end of the Midway overpass.

Picture #2 Shows the five huge jack hammer machines; two on each side and one on top, punching holes in the structure to weaken it.

Picture #3 Shows the gutted, weakened structure, from one side

Picture #4 shows the weakened structure starting to collapse.

Picture # 5 The same view the daylight from the same general area; look ma, no overpass!

 

911 NEVER FORGET WHO DID IT!

Or in your own language…

You Can’t Cure Stupid or Fix Dangerous minds without resolve!

 

            I told you recently of the airheaded folks from the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) saying, “aw shucks, it’s alright, we forgive you” to the neo-Nazi radical, terrorist, Muslim preacher spewing his anti-Semitic crap with no restraint… All of you non-Jewish folks have to understand that Jesus, being a Jew and a Rabbi would have been killed in an instant by the Muslims. That after the Jews, just like Hitler before, these despicable clowns will come for the nuns, priests and then just regular Christians … all of which are “non-believers and infidels who deserve death. So what did this terrorist from Egypt really say in Davis, exactly? I’ll tell you some of his sermon he gave to his Davis followers, and the dumbass then proudly put it on U-Tube.

The wiser Davis Muslim nest pulled it rather quickly but left a video of the 30 year-old smirking/smiling Egyptian born preacher of hate teaching his UC Davis class on Muslim marriages.  We are paying this clown to teach?  That’s a tough class to teach: Your husband owns you, he can do anything, you can do nothing, disobey and he has the right to kill you. Class dismissed. Oh, yeah Davisittes, being stoned in Muslim language doesn’t mean smoking a joint. It means they use the old school method of throwing rocks at you until you die… Be proud PROD.

Anyway, this schmuck prayed to his youthful gathering for Allah to liberate the “Al Aqsa Mosque” from the filth of the Jews and to annihilate them down to the very last one. Do not spare any of them.” “That’s a call for killing Jews everywhere,” not only Israel.” (Sounds like good advice to follow concerning him and his kind doesn’t it?) If any of his students this year follow his “teachings of hate” as the Imam, Ammar Shahan, of the Muslim sect, would have it, would anyone be surprised?  And will this piece of crap, Imam Ammar Shahan, be held responsible? I doubt it, it’s the PROD remember. If you see this dress wearing, Santa Hatted, clown on the street spit on him or offer   him a BLT which I’ll pay for.

The Davis mosque, located right across the street from the UC Campus, is apparently a nest for breeding hate and recruiting like-minded zealots. Shouldn’t the JDL, FBI ICE and homeland security send this terrorists back to the sand from whence he came? What else has this jerk said or done that he didn’t put out there for the world to see. I think his Visa, if he even has one, needs to be pulled and he needs to be deported back to his beloved homeland where he can spew his crap without interference… Only to fear the Israeli’s and the Masad: WAIT… he can do that tight in the PROD so why leave? I wonder what would happen if a Jewish or Christian group made an anti-Muslim broadcast or warned their followers of the cancer called Muslim infiltrating and infecting our country and said, “Hey, let’s kill them all they are the scum of the earth.” They’d probably be driven out of Davis in a Prius.

I am sending this to our congressman asking for his help with this jerk and his followers… They belong in their homeland spewing hate there, not here. Free speech is one thing. Every American, every veteran and every infidel (like me) needs to watch this Nazi clown and object to him and his kind even being in our midst… don’t make him/ them welcome… Just advise them to take themselves and their hatred back from to whatever third world crap hole from whence they came… If you don’t like this piece or are offended by what I’ve written you can join the Muslim brotherhood, I hear they’re openingly recruiting in Davis… Tune in next week and I’ll tell you what I really think.

The middle bar on the photo below doesn’t is just like the brain of a Davis’ Muslim… it doesn’t exist

 

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

No Comments »

September 8th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #693 (9-8-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

LAST WARNING

 

            I’ve been telling you about this for months and if you travel I.S. 80 (West) or come back home (East) you better be aware the (Midway. Overpass) or in Cal Trans speak, “MIDWAY BRIDGE TO CLOSE FOR DEMOLITION AND REBUILD-Starting September 6,” 2017 Caltrans will completely CLOSE the Midway Bridge starting the morning of Wednesday, September 6, 2017 in preparation of its demolition and rebuild. The Midway Bridge will remain CLOSED until construction of the new Midway Bridge is completed as early as spring 2018.

80 Full Highway Closure-Overnight September 9, 2017 during the demolition of the Midway Road Bridge starting the night of Saturday, September 9, 2017 until the morning of Sunday, September 10, 2017, eastbound and westbound I-80 will be closed overnight at Midway Road. A short detour onto frontage roads near the bridge will be in effect. Caltrans will release additional information as more detailed dates and times are available.

In English: They’re going to blow the sucker up Saturday night and the highway will be closed in both directions from Saturday night through Sunday morning. MIDWAY ROAD BRIDGE LONG-TERM-CLOSURE-DETOUR ROUTES During construction of the new Midway Road Bridge, the Meridian Road Bridge above I-80 and just west of the Midway Road Bridge will remain OPEN and serve as a general detour. The DETOUR South of Midway Road Bridge to North of Midway Road Bridge during Midway Bridge closure Midway Rd Midway Rd SACRAMENTO VALLEY NATIONAL CEMETERY VACAVILLE Weber Rd N Meridian…

… Just be aware and watch for flag persons and detour signs… Just know it’s happening this weekend, with zillions bikers headed to the fairgrounds on Saturday… Oh my.

I am doing this as a public service.

Please Boycott and do NOT use the $1.00, $20.00, $50.00, & $100.00 bills, as they depict slave owners on them. Please send them to me, and I will see to it that they are disposed of properly!

 

Temps Drop Fish Bite!

 

Over the holiday weekend we went to Bass Pro up in Rocklin on Saturday and picked up a couple of new lures. Monday we joined a host of other boats in the delta leaving the Dixon Boat Club about 8 am. The tides were good and there were no winds… then. Family friend, Fred Vanderwold, joined me and our 13-year old granddaughter, Shannon Hickman, fishing for black bass. We caught about 20. Shannon caught her first limit (of 5) not letting the stiff wind that came up (see photo) deter from using her new crankbait to limit out. The ride back in the tide plus strong wind made it a little choppy but she and the fish didn’t mind. Neat thing was, two hours after we got back to the dock we were at her house where father, Trey, had prepared the catch into fish tacos. Kind of cool. Two hours earlier they were swimming and now they were a fresh fish dinner.

 

The center beams will disappear when you look left to right

 

Today’s Sports Suck

Sports: Why I quit watching most of them on TV.  We’ve had and seen the “ best there ever was” etc. now it’s: No bumping or touching in racing, don’t tackle to hard in football, don’t bean the batter in baseball, don’t draw blood in hockey, don’t say bad things in baseball or basketball, don’t acknowledge the fans in golf, quit beating on the guy when he’s out in cage fighting,… the list goes on and on we’ve allowed the creepy left to even infiltrate our sports and wuzzify everything so it’s nice..

B.S. we need to bring brutality back in all forms in all sports. Ref makes a bad call in tennis knock him off his high chair with a well-placed serve. Go get bumped in NSCAR, send the guy over the rails and then beat the crap out of him the pits, just like the old days. A guy gives a cold shot in football your teammates put him out for the season on the next play; that will learn him. You get a scratch in basketball, cry a little and then bitch slap the guy who got ya. Baseball: Empty the benches at last once a game and beat the crap out of each other; no one will get hurt cause ball players can’t fight worth a damn but the fans love it. These minor little changes would improve the fan base and give the folks paying the big bucks their money’s worth… And trust me it’s either that or watch all sports become non- contact knitting derby’s where only the lamer will watch the lame compete!

 

  1. Pro Football: is filled with dainty multi-millionaires who are more concerned with the self than the team. Their sissy dances and taunting has been a literal turn off to me and millions of others. But the networks continue to show it because some nitwit there apparently thinks it’s cool.
  2. NSCAR: After watching thousands of left turn, left turn, fender benders and pouting drivers and restrictor plates, speed limits in and out of the pits, no bumping, no this and no that 400 and 500 mile races have to be broken down in segments because the new drivers don’t have what it takes… and yellow flag rest stops during the race WTF?.. The hell with them. It used to be good old boys; now they are just pretty boys, who are just high priced patsies for owners and sponsors… With Dale Junior going and Jeff Gordon gone, there goes the sport… Only Danica is a breath of fresh air and a driver worth following.
  3. Pro baseball, boring… Little World Series much better ball and more entertaining, except for the occasional brawls in the pros.
  4. Pro Basketball: Seven foot giants with no ball handling skills slam dunking, because they can. Dribbling steps, basic rules and actual skills no longer matter. Only Stephen Curry has breathed fresh air into a stale sport of multi-millionaires, who make way too much money, for the seconds they play the game each time… And who pays for that?
  5. Bowling, golf, tennis, soccer, men’s beach volleyball and track… who really cares? Boring at best. Want to spice things up? We need fist fights in all of those along with club throwing in golf and attacking the ref in tennis.
  6. Soccer… Most of the time I only watch to see the ref’s in action… the most boring sport next to baseball and cricket even if you understand the finesse of the games. A no hitter and a nil-nil score are just plain painful.
  7. The exception: Summer and winter Olympics are still the great things to watch because they have guns and bows and arrows and killer crashes on the slopes and ice rinks and bike and skating races.
  8. Summation: My generation is spoiled because we were able to watch truly great athletes in all of the major sports…Michael Jorden, Larry Byrd, and Magic Johnson, ring a bell? Wayne Gretkzy probably the all-time greatest hockey player ever, Mohamed Ali, simply the greatest boxer ever, Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods were the best and even played together, they made golf an art form. How about Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, and the Giants setting a record winning the world series and now the worst team with the worst and most embarrassing  record in baseball. Dale Earnhardt in NACAR, Billie Jean and the sisters in tennis, Mark Spitz in swimming… Joe Willie Namath, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, The list goes on-and-on of the highest caliber athletes the world has ever seen and probably, their likes will not be seen again… and all during our lifetimes. We’ve been lucky to see the best there’s ever been. Now were left with the dregs… over paid and prissy, but that’s all you’ve got so deal with it or tune out… which is what I’m doing.

Summation: Think about it a bit and formulate your own list, in every sport for the last four or five decades, think about the greats and try to find their like today…Not going to happen. All we have left are prima donnas seeking glory, self-satisfaction and mo money, mo money, mo money… They could care less about the fans who foolishly pay exorbitant price to give football players multi-year multi million (like 25 million?) … try to get an autograph or a high five. Their private security body guards will break your (or your child’s arm).

More Things for Thought

*No, I’m still not married, grandma, but the lady in the “Popeye’s Chicken” commercials keeps calling me “honey”… so we’ll see where that goes.

*A buddy invited me to an “Open Mike Night” which sounded like fun…’til I found out it was an autopsy.

Little known fact: centipedes are the metric version of the inchworm.

GOD: I will give you my name for which you may call me thru all generations.  MOSES: no way!  GOD: Yahweh!

I think my wife may be dealing drugs… the phone rang late the other night and when I picked up the guy said “is that dope gone yet?*

*One of my son’s friends apparently has a speech issue…he keeps saying MILF instead of MILK.

*Wearing a turtleneck sweater is like being strangled by a really week guy… all day.

*I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “what’s your favorite color”, or “where is your belly button?”

*Platonic relationship: what develops when two people who were good friends grow tired of sleeping with each other?

*A guy asked me for two  $5’s and a $10 for a $20 bill.  I had a sudden flashback to a girl who wrote in my high school yearbook “never change”… so I told him no.

*If two blind people are dating…is it possible they would be “seeing each other”?

*The house needs painting, the fence requires repairs and the cars need to be waxed…I guess it’s time to convince some neighborhood kid I know karate.

*let’s all take a moment to remember the five best cakes in the world…crab, pound, pan, urinal and ‘let them eat’.

*Recently I was asked to go out by nine different women…I was in the women’s rest room.

*If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems… you need to get some different problems!

*To all the people who have lost only one shoe on the highway… how does that even happen?

*Have you noticed how some people talk louder when they drink? That’s why alcohol content is listed by volume.

On a road trip we stopped in a somewhat grungy diner.  I ordered coffee.  The wife also ordered coffee and added “make sure the cup is clean!”…..the irritated waitress returned and said “which one wanted the clean cup?”

*I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon… I’ll let you know. 

I don’t feel it’s a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both long-term emotional relationships and a stay at a mental institution.

*In the crap at home again… she sent me to the store for tampons but they were out so I got her a box of Band-Aids.

*I went to the barbershop and told the barber I wanted some ‘highlights’…….he put on a video of old haircuts he had given.

*In the Harry Potter books a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero… in real life it means you probably drink too much and lack coordination.

*I’ve been playing the ‘blame game’ with the wife….I’m losing 23,478 to 3.

*Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah Witnesses of the internet.

*If you smoke some weed prior to an eating competition are you guilty of using performance enhancing drugs?

*Don’t you hate it when you’re watching Dateline with the wife and it’s about some lady that murdered her husband… and she remarks, “I wouldn’t have gotten caught?”

*Little did I know the first time I bought a three-pack of condoms that I was apparently buying a lifetime supply?

*I will be lying there, dead, in a closed coffin at my funeral…and yet somehow I will manage to spill mustard on my shirt!

Cats use their whiskers to navigate in the dark.  I use my toes and shins…and lots of swearing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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August 31st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #692 (9-1-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Dove Season Starts Today

(Runs Sept1. Thru Sept 15)

Species Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove Statewide Sep 1 – 15 &
Nov 11 – Dec 25
15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves Triple the daily bag
Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove No limit
Eurasian Collared-dove All Year No limit

 

If this morning, Friday Sept.1st you awoke to the sounds of gun fire in the distance don’t be alarmed it is just opening day of dove season, a day looked forward to for shotgunners throughout the state. The first season goes from today and ends on Friday the 15th. The pictures are of my first wife Linda and our neighbor, Missy Nichols with two limits of dove, and a Eurasian and a mourning dove and side-by-side. Before any of you tree huggers get your panty hose in a bunch; you can’t buy dove to eat and many people relish them as a delegacy; a hard to get, once a year treat if you will.

Species Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove Statewide Sep 1 – 15 &
Nov 11 – Dec 25
15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves Triple the daily bag
Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove No limit
Eurasian Collared-dove All Year No limit


Only In SanFrancisco…!

 

49ers assistant Katie Sowers becomes first out LGBT coach in the NFL

San Francisco 49ers assistant Katie Sowers becomes first out LGBT coach in the NFL. “No matter what you do in life, one of the most important things is to be true to who you are,” Sowers told Jim Buzinski of Outsports.com.  “There are so many people who identify as LGBT in the NFL, as in any business, that do not feel comfortable being public about their sexual orientation. “The more we can create an environment that welcomes all types of people, no matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, the more we can help ease the pain and burden that many carry every day.” In a wide-ranging interview, Sowers, who came out as lesbian to her family while in college, said football was her favorite sport growing up and that she knew from a young age she wanted to be a football coach. She said getting her chance to coach with the 49ers has allowed her the opportunity to embrace her dream… You know she’s kinda in my dreams now too.

 

SACTO Attorneys; something of which to be ashamed

 

In this area we receive the local Sacramento TV Stations and are barraged constantly, 24/7  with the horrible commercials by the shameless Blood sucking society of Sacramento Attorneys… Yes there is such an association… it is the SBSA Inc.

 They all look like the kind of person (men and women both) that got their butts kicked all the way through school and became lawyers to get back at the bullies who did us all a favor… and although they look and sound foolish they apparently think they both look and sound great…the shysters have no shame; Spoiler alert…You don’t look or sound good… do yourself a favor and hire a pro to pimp for you, give us a break.

“Why pay 40% or 60% per cent of YOUR money when you can get a cut rate attorney for only 25%? … That’s $25,000 out of your pocket from each $100,000 the court awards YOU! Without playing the legal game you can bet you’ll get a lot less… so you can’t win.

Personally I like the whiny dude who will pray with you and give you a free bible… even though he looks like the anti-Christ… They all think they are so great, and look so great, they do their own commercials… but it gives me the willies to picture them representing me in court. Every single one of them look and sound scary, from the guy who tells you if you don’t want to work anymore call them and they will help get you Social Security, to the guy who said if you are in the hospital from an accident “through no fault of your own,” call his firm and they will come to your death bed and take a statement for, only like 40% of the take I guess. If you’re lucky and you get hit by a car in downtown Sacramento you may even have an attorney nearby hop in the ambulance so you can sign papers on the way to the hospital in case you croak…  Then your heirs may get 60% of what was coming to you.

They all have the emphasized same pattern, “If you were in an accident and it was not your fault, call us we have our money vacuum standing by 24/7. I guess it’s understood that if it was your fault, lick your wounds and call a public defender.

They dress bad, from frumpy clothes to a bow tie to slick suits and facial hair… scary; both men and women… I look at them as a juror would and don’t like my chances with them giving jurors the willies. But the women will apparently will do it for less…like only 25%; such a deal. They of course don’t give a won/loss record but all promise if you don’t win your lawsuit you don’t have to pay them, duh… How nice huh? They lose your case you’ve got nothing to pay them with anyhow; but careful, they may still come after your first born or the gold filings in your teeth. Prostitution is illegal but these legal vampires sell themselves 24/7 with TV commercials. If you’ve been injured in an accident, that wasn’t you fault, you can have your pick. If you are at fault you are SOL.

 I know I’ll probably be on the Bar Association’s  S**t list so I’ll need to be extra careful. If I ever need an attorney I’ll ask for their stats sheet and pick the one with the biggest win percentage and the one who’s got the biggest settlements… wouldn’t you? I know I’m only saying what thousands of people think; all of those that are bombarded with these stupid commercials 24/7… which leads me into my next critique…Next week, TV sports and why they suck…

 

More Things For Thought

*I’m really sorry I totaled your car… I saw that your kid made the Honor Roll and I let go of the steering wheel to Applaud.

*I don’t understand how bears in the wild can eat all that salmon… don’t they want a squeeze of lemon, maybe a little dill or some sea salt?

*The wife tripped and the laundry basket fell to the floor spilling clothes everywhere…I sat back and watched it all unfold (moan..).

*Hippocrates did very well for himself…considering he was named after cages for a very large mammal.

*I went to the optometrist and the receptionist asked me which doctor I’d like to see… “I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here!”

*We bought a new washing machine and when it’s finished it plays a tune very similar to the ice cream truck……there’s no ice cream in there, though, I checked. Twice.

*Before my last surgery the anesthetist offered to give me knockout gas or smack me over the head with a canoe paddle… it was an ether/oar situation.(Moan…)

*The hippothalamus is the part of the brain that determines how hungry, hungry you get.

*Asked the granddaughter what she was eating as we watched TV…  “cotton candy”. She said, “The attic is full of it, but I think it’s stale”.

*Minnesota is the only state which sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

*I find it odd that the skin that holds all the organs of our bodies in can be so easily sliced open up with the sharp edge of a piece of paper… seems like a huge design flaw.

*The wife asked me to bring home ‘about 25 or 30 bottles of Minute Maid’ from the grocery store… when I asked why so many she said “haven’t you heard?  OJ is free!” (Moan)

*Every coat is a fur coat… when you have a long haired cat.

*So this guy comes in and buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, hemorrhoidal ointment, adult diapers, an enema and a pregnancy test…..the cashier asks, “would you like a bag?”

*Finally all the people in the White House are being polite… they’re all running around saying “pardon me”.

*Guess who went all day without spilling any food on the front of his shirt?  Not me, but I’m sure someone did.

*I said to the cop,” I brush and floss at least twice a day. You’re not going to find anything”… “It’s not that kind of cavity search, sir.”

*How can the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have such great abs… they can’t do sit-ups?

*I’m no Tour de France expert… but it seems to me the best way to win is to wear a yellow shirt.

*After all these years of denial I’ve finally concluded I’d sleep better at night if I confessed……..I let the dogs out.

*Fred realized too late that he should have used a fresh sheet for his toga… when he walked into the frat party with the black light.

*April showers bring May flowers. But what did the Mayflower bring…smallpox.

*The job interviewer asked me what I thought my biggest weakness was… “I’m an amazing listener!”

*Suggestion:  Before administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation at a public beach… be sure the so-called victim is not just napping.

*The difference between having kids and being in prison… in prison they let you read.

*The cool thing about driving 15 miles per hour in a school zone is it makes it so much easier to text.

*There’s no “I” in team, but there is one in ‘marriage’… there’s also ‘me’, ‘rage’, and ‘AA’.

*The boss yelled at me, “You’ve been late five times this week! Do you know what that means?”… “it’s Friday?”

*They’ve designed a new razor strictly for dyslexics… it’s the best thing since sliced beard.

*My wife is constantly ‘borrowing’ my tee-shirts and sweaters… but if I ‘borrow’ one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”.

 

What do you do when its 108 in the shade and you just get home? Rick Bello’s hunting dog “Lucy” knew exactly what to do and then she looked at us like “get your own tub… Who was the smartest one here?

#

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August 18th 2017
In Case You’ve been living in a cave…

Posted under News Stories & That's Life Columns & Uncategorized

… and you haven’t heard…

… there is going to be a total solar eclipse on Monday morning only partially visible in Dixon. You wanna see the whole thing? Then you better take off for Oregon this weekend. And when you do, and you spend the time and the money don’t forget what I’m telling you… you’ll probably be disappointed. It gets kind of darkish and everything may have a strange orangish glow… but that’s it. I remember how disappointed we were after the last one here 38 years ago. We expected total darkness during the day; the sun’s light is being blocked out right? The totality of the whole thing takes place in a matter of minutes and is truly underwhelming and not proportionate to the hype.

Starting just after the noon hour EST, the eclipse will cast a 70-mile shadow along a path stretching from Oregon to South Carolina, effectively blocking all that solar power from reaching energy grids. California will be the biggest hit as solar power on some days serves as much as 40 percent of the state’s energy load.

 

However in California, residents won’t get the full effect. It’ll only be a partial eclipse as the moon covers only part of the sun. If you’re still interested in watching the partial eclipse, it will occur roughly between the hours of 9 a.m. and 11:45 a.m.

“At about 9:05 a.m. there will be the first little sort of a bite — a tiny little nibble — taken out of the top of the sun,” the director of the Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles, E.C. Krupp, told the Los Angeles Times. “Over time it will get larger because the moon is moving more and more into the sun.” 

So stay home, watch the whole eclipse on TV or look at the sidewalk or a pinhole paper viewer you can easily make; You can do anything you want but looking up at the sun. If you just have to look, make sure you are using the approved and safe glasses or a strong welding mask… but no; looking at the sun through a beer bottle won’t keep you from doing serious eye damage.

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August 18th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #690 (8-18-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Meridan Overpass Re-opened;  Midway down next up.

After three months of being closed to rural Dixon/Vacaville traffic (since mid-May) the Meridian overpass reopened early Tuesday evening. Cal Trans finished its work retrofitting the structure to meet current earthquake standards.

Now Cal Trans will move up the highway a bit and start work on the heavily traveled Midway overpass which they are going to tear down and then rebuild. The Midway overpass will close on the morning of September 6, and stay closed until at least the spring of 2018. While the overpass is being demolished I.S. 80 will be closed in both directions. If you travel the interstate with west or east on a regular basis you probably need to go to the Cal Trans web site for detailed information. Regardless, if you need to take Midway road from the highway, in either direction, you need to find new travel routes until next spring.

Both east and west bound lanes on the highway will be closed at Midway Rd. the night of September 9th until the morning of September, 10th. Detours will be set up on frontage roads but the new Meridian overpass that had been closed since mid-May will be open and can be used as an alternate route.

During the closure motorists need to watch for Cal Trans flaggers and increased construction equipment in the area. The CHP will be monitoring the situation and assisting in traffic control.

Food Trucks tonight (Friday) by the pool!

Starting tonight (Friday) and going from 5 to 8:30 p.m. if you come to the Dixon Swimming pool parking lot you will have a chance to try various foods presented by a variety of “Food trucks.” The ones we have attended have offered a pretty good selection of foods, at reasonable prices, and better than average quality. If you haven’t been to one before come on down and bring the kids to this family friendly event sponsored by the city

 

Fake news… Here we go again.

California removing historical names and monuments…Really?

 

Have you been following the media inspired and created fiasco in Virginia? The main stream media somehow took a bunch of hooligans, counter attacking group of left wingnuts and put the blame on the POTUS… how many people are buying this latest load of crap this I wonder. Hopefully more and more people are starting to see through the news monopoly’s control over events which it creates, fosters and then uses it as a political tool to try and control a president who has told them as much… to stick it.

Don’t pay any attention to the stock market records, unemployment, a global crisis caused by an inbred man/child who inherited a starving country but feels invincible because he claims to have his finger on their nuclear button that could cause a catastrophic war to end all wars. Our POTUS has risen to the occasion and has said as much… you’re playing a dangerous game boy and you better be careful or you won’t have a country, or life,  and you and yours may cease to exist… and guess what?. That means the media moguls would have to allow something positive to be said about out POTUS… Notice how King Ding Dung has pulled in his horns, NOW he wants to talk because he’s worried our POTUS may clean his clock. No, you couldn’t notice because the left wing media won’t take that approach… They have their pantyhose in a bunch because they misquoted him once too often and he cut them off and is communicating with the population by a different and quite effective method.

What I don’t understand is why we don’t blow the next missile launch out of the air, over their own country, and why we don’t send some bread and water to his starving nation… with American Flags on it. Now that Lady Gag-Gag chimed in with her half nude anti-Trump BS at her Sacramento concert this week I’m sure a lot of people will have a change of heart… I know I did.

The liberal-left wing nuts can tear down and destroy a 100 year old piece of American history and what happens to them? Nothing. The loonies are running the nut house and our weak spined politicians just turn the other cheek. WTF? They are criminals just like the ones who attacked the poor Nazi bastards who were hit and pepper sprayed and injured…Anyone feel sorry for the hitler boys? In case you hadn’t heard this was all Trump’s fault too. It doesn’t matter that the right winged nuts actually had a permitand legal right to protest, and the left winged nuts started the trouble (which if the police hadn’t intervened would have their butts kicked all the way back to mommy and daddy’s house). Personally I believe the Nazis and the other radical right winged groups should beat some sense into each other and find a different name and different way of making their points.

 The radical right wing just got a boost in membership however thanks to the crap the liberal left wing nuts got away with. They’ve become a recruitment poster for the far right groups.

Both sides need to be held accountable and neither are supposed to above the law is kind of what the POTUS was trying to say before the political weenies, on both sides folded like a deck of cards when the ‘free press” started their fake news and promotion for more violence.  Is there really only one side to this debacle? The media is trying to get their left wing, new making (not reporting) power play going across the country. Where does this stupidity end? First they are allowed to destroy any historical monument they personally don’t like… does that extend to all of the signers of the declaration of independence, many of which had slaves. I think they should tear down the Washington monument and the Jefferson memorial to make their point (both were slave owners)… If they really had any guts or real principals…

If the media keeps promoting their stupid support for the daffy left wingnuts they may get more stories, but at what cost? The big boys don’t care. Its all ratings and trying to destroy a strong POTUS and put another Winnie they can control, in the White House. Their control and bias extends all the way down to the local TV station where the editorializing  localNews Readers comment personally on how they feel… gads, like anyone cares.

So, I’m asking, at least our people to read between the lines in print and listen carefully and you can see what outright B.S. is, and then try to ignore it and make up your mind on matters based on the best facts you can gather.

 

A 12 Year Old Girl Sees A Problem

From the e-mail bag…

Mr. Hickman: Hi I’m Zoë Sloan. I’m 12 years old and my mom met you on Saturday at the Solano county fair’s auction.  I was the one who wants to get a reduced speed sign on the intersection at Curry Rd near 80 that causes a lot of crashes. I came up with the idea in the car thinking I don’t want to see any of my friends or even non-friends getting hurt there on their way to Higby’s. The cars come off the freeway there so fast and it is really only a split second you get to see them before they are in the intersection.  A reduced speed sign would reduce the number of accidents there and make the ones that do happen far less severe. I was so happy when my mom said she found you at the auction. I am so happy you were there! I really had no idea how I would request this until my mom saw you. It would really help if you forward my request or let me know who else I should send it to. Thank you so much for your time.    Sincerely Zoe Sloan

Zoe: I agree with you and I will pass this on to the Dixon City Council, Cal Trans (that really has the responsibility for that section of road) and to our representatives on the Solano County Board of Supervisors. Thank you for being a concerned citizen (even for your non-friends!) and for becoming involved looking for a solution to a problem.

More Things For Thought

*One of the worst possible jobs would be working at the patent office.. .all day long you’d be thinking, “Damn!  Why didn’t I think of that?”

*I had a real crush on my babysitter growing up so I looked her up on Facebook and messaged her… “Hey! Remember how hard it was to get me into bed? Not anymore!”

*People only say “Well, it’s a free country!”… When they’re doing something really stupid.

*I saw this thing in the paper about a local kid that had two gay dads and I thought that was probably ok…’cuz imagine how weird it would be if only one were gay.

*If Anne hath a will… Anne Hathaway. (Moan…)

*Kobe Bryant wrote a poem when he retired and the last line was “my body knows it’s time to say goodbye”… which is, coincidentally, just like the poem I wrote to Taco Bell.

*Separate but equal is a horrible thing for education… but it’s perfect for eyebrows.

*If you really think about it a kangaroo is just a cross between a T-rex and a deer.

*I’m taking a big step and asking her if we can be exclusive in our relationship.. .I guess I’m old fashioned, I just always thought it was automatic after marriage.

*when I’m not in a relationship I go ahead and shave one leg…that way when I’m in bed it feels like I’m sleeping with a woman.

*My friend Dave says you never ask a woman her age… I think that’s why his bar got closed down.

*In high school I had a pretty juvenile sense of humor.  The teacher told us to turn to page 68, and I started to laugh… when she asked what was so funny I said nothing, I was just getting ready.

*At practically every theme park I’ve ever been to the primary theme… ‘Wait in line’!

*The scrotum is a huge design failure.  Excess elbow skin utilized between the legs to support a man’s testicles so he doesn’t have to hold them in his hand…….and it doesn’t work.

*The counselor told the wife and me “for the sake of your marriage get a king-sized bed, and if you really want to stay married, get two!”

*I grew up a LA Ram’s fan but then I got into girls as I got older…  but then I got back into the Ram’s ‘cut I realized there are times when the girls won’t sleep with you, but the Ram’s will always screw you! 

*Snakes do not have arms…. which are precisely why they do not wear vests.

*Playing checkers with my grandpa taught me that a king is a man with another man on top of him… life taught me that that’s actually a queen. 

*I am a man of my word… and the word that comes to mind is ‘unreliable’.

*All I’m saying is that if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on… you’d never ask me to put a condom on.

*You can say ‘thanks’ and you can say ‘thanks a million’.. .but apparently not any number in between.

*I’ve just about decided that I could be gay except for the sex.. .and hell, without the sex you’re really just hanging out with your buddies.

*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you… you’re never quite prepared for how a British person pronounces the word ‘vitamin’.

*Drive-by shootings are just one more example of American’s being too lazy to get out of their cars.

 *As a little boy I heard the term “training bra” for the first time and thought “they’re training their chests?”  Then I saw a woman whose boobs were just going everywhere and I knew…”those must be untrained ones!”

*The leading method of committing suicide in Europe is attempting to kidnap Liam Nelson’s daughter.

*The other night the wife saw a homeless guy sorting through our trash and she hates to see a human being going thru garbage… so she made him a raccoon costume.

*I went out with a girl who told me I didn’t have to drink to make myself more fun to be around… I told her I was drinking so she’d be fun to be around.

*Sometimes women with nice butts wear tight pants and everyone’s eyes are drawn right there. So we should post pictures of missing kids there… no one looks at milk cartons.

*Parenting is a lot like being the bartender at some dive bar… everyone shouts out food and drink orders, you have to listen to them whine, and the place looks like a dump!

 

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August 12th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #689 (8-11-17)* Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

What Your City /Council Is Up To… I Saw The Light!

 


 Notice something a little different in your neighborhood at night? The city is in the process of switching over to all LED streetlights. Cheaper to run and more light… such a deal.

Prior projects; about 350 or 28% done in Phase 1 2017

788 finished as of Thursday, 8/3 or 63% done for Phase 2 2017

Only 9% remaining and 116 scheduled for late August/early September. Watch for the conversion in your neighborhood; you’ll see the difference!  Good going public works and the city!

Police crackdown now underway!

“Enhanced enforcement”

If you drive and text or talk on the phone, or you pull a “California stop” at a traffic light or stop sign your odds of getting a traffic ticket are greatly increased because there’s a “new sheriff in town” so to speak. As the police force gets near full strength, for the first time in years, and with a new law enforcement officer now in charge, screw up and they are gonna get you. With more officers means more are on patrol, more of the time and their work is being assessed by Dixon’s new police chief, Robert Thompson. He was hired to reorganize the department, train a cohesive unit, stop the turn over and put more law enforcement officers on the streets 24/7. With this approach the department has already written as many tickets this year as it did all of last. You wanna run a stop sign? You wanna speed in a school zone? You wanna make an illegal U-turn? You wanna talk on your phone or text while driving? Go ahead, and you may get what’s coming to you. This is about the only warning you’ll get. This police force is here to protect you, and the rest of us from some of you and your dangerous driving practices. The police Chief  has the backing of the city council and was hired to enforce all of the laws. You want to show an exhibition of speed, burn rubber, or just hit passing gear on a city street… I hope they catch you when they do you’ve got no one to cry to. Enough is enough. We, 4/5ths of the city council, went to seven neighborhoods on the night out celebration and what we heard from every neighborhood was the same complaints about all of the things listed above… and the question, “Why can’t the police do something about this?” Guess what. The police are doing many things about “this” so beware, drive safely, follow the driving laws and save yourself some money and court time.

Death Follow-up

 After the death last week of the 20 year old man at the intersection of Midway and St. Rt. 113 a lot of things have happened… none of which will help him or his family of course but his accident may prove to be the catalyst for saving lives along this dangerous state highway which runs right through the middle of our city.

Cal Trans, which has the final say on 113 its self has been contacted by the CHP and either has or will be contacted by Solano County Supervisors, John Vasquez and Skip Thompsom. Skip’s district is Midway Rd. west of 113 and John’s is to the East. I talked to both last Saturday at the Solano County Fair and both pledged full support to making that intersection and the Hay and Fry roads intersections safer as well. They and our city have contacted our State Assemblyman and Senator asking for help in motivating Cal Trans to get emergency action for traffic control at the intersection.

In their own areas of responsibility they are looking into having flashing signs put up both east and west Midway and 113 plus maybe on the west side of both Hay and Fry Road Plus they have the county looking at the dangerous Midway and Porter Road, and Pitt School and Porter Roads. Things likeflashing lights with the message “Cross Traffic Does Not Stop” may help, but remember, like John Wayne said, “You can’t cure stupid” … but you may be able to warn the young and less than stupid they are gambling with their lives, and everyone in the car with them, every time they enter or cross this state highway… because of the big rigs (and cars) flying down the road at highway speeds. The CHP, I noticed has also increased its patrol in that area. We all learn from our mistakes but some drivers, especially the young and less experienced sometimes don’t get a second chance. Tell your friends, neighbors and relatives to avoid that intersection until at least some safety measures are put in place… too many accidents…too many deaths. Enough is enough! Don’t talk, don’t eat, don’t text, just pay attention and drive carefully. We have a long history of deaths on Midway… don’t add your name (s) to the sad list.

 Solano County Fair

Many Dixon Youngsters raised, cows, lambs, pigs, chickens, rabbits, quail and goats to be shown and if they qualified have their animals sold at auction Last Saturday in the livestock arena at the county fairgrounds in Vallejo. Shown above are Kendal Hickman, left and her friend Elizabeth Granillo are seen competing in front of a judge in “Showmanship”.  Both young ladies have started their freshman year this week at Dixon High School. Dozens of  Grange,4-H, FFA and ‘Independent”  kids from throughout the county spent the last week before school in Vallejo giving their animals final touches before showing them and having them sold at auction.

 

More Things For Thought

*my 16 year old niece’s boyfriend has been struggling with a Capri sun for the last twenty minutes…….so I think it’s probably ok to leave her alone with him.

*In my day we didn’t use our phones to take naked pictures of ourselves… we used the office copier to make photocopies of our butts like God intended.

*….and when there was just one set of footprints in the sand, that was Chris Christie.

*I have an appointment for an emissions test tomorrow…….and that reminds me, my car is in need of one as well.

*When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned as a child… and when I became a man I did all that foolishness online.

*My wife isn’t real fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the “countdown to Armageddon”.

*I decorate for Halloween by opening all the curtains and walking around the house naked… pretty scary stuff for all the neighbors.

*Is it true that Guy Fieri sister’s name is Girl Fieri?

*What do we learn from cows, water buffalo and elephants? It’s impossible to lose weight by eating greens, salads and walking.

*“down”, “penetration”, “tight end”, “ball handling”… don’t the networks have censors anymore?

*In fourth grade the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who was able to answer her… she asked “who farted?”

*When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now I’m an adult… and when I see the electric bill I’m afraid of the light!  

*She shouted “get me something to put on bee stings!” so I fetched her one of her bras… now we’re not talking. Apparently.

*My significant other told me she likes it rough, so I bought her a plane ticket… on United.

*Passed by a church where the sign said “Santa Claus never died for anyone”… and the wife said, “That’s true. But Jesus never brought me a Barbie Dream House either”.  

*The only wisdom that comes with age is learning which stores have the nicer restrooms.

*I just called the bank to check on the status of my account… and a voice whispered to me “if you break the package in half Ramen noodles can last two days”.

*Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medication to clear up my earwax problem… apparently he was right about me being a s**thead.

*I’m not a scientist but if the Ebola virus is ‘communicable’… I think that means we can talk to it.

*When telling your wife something always end it with “but I could be wrong”… that way when she tells you you’re wrong, which she inevitably will, you’ll be right for a change.

*You can never adequately thank the person who toilet-trained you.  

*There I was in the custom’s line at the Budapest airport with a suitcase full of marbles.  “What’s your reason for visiting Hungary?” The agent asked… “I want to see the hippos!”

*During sex if she says “make me scream!”… I simply turn on the lights.  

*A friend asked what my favorite underground band was and when I said “the Beatles” he said “they’re really not considered ‘underground’…”but half of them are” was my defense. 

*Oh migawd!  I can’t straighten my back…never mind, just got my tie caught in my zipper.

*“Raise your hand if this is your first time standing under a helicopter”… “sorry to make an example of you, Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.”  

*Apples are actually bad for your health… scientists have announced that everyone who ate an apple in the 15th century is now dead.

*Your shadow is confirmation that light rays have traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed…only to be deprived of reaching the earth in the last few feet by your fat butt.

*I’m not a big fan of Smokey the Bear… he’s just the first step on the slippery slope of vigilantism.

*The cashier at PetSmart just told me I smell really good… which I would take as a compliment if my competition weren’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils.

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