June 14th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #732 (6-15-18)*

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NOW; You Play You Pay!

 

Only “Safe and Sane”

fireworks are legal

and are allowed in the city of Dixon

            So you wanna have  a few brewskis with friends a show off your newest earth shattering fireworks that rattle windows, wake babies and make them cry, have senior citizens leave town if they can, and encourage pets to run away from home, huh?

As of yesterday getting your jumbo gunpowder jollies just got a lot more expensive. The city council just put into effect an enforcement tool which calls for fines of $500 first offense, $750, second and $1,000 for the third… Plus extra fines for extra illegal fireworks you may have… and the masses are rooting against you.

            The police and fire departments are now armed with these dynamite new tools to shut you fools down. Granted it is a cat and mouse game but we have sharpened the cat’s claws and teeth and they’re coming to get you… But they can use the help of the public. You if you hear or see illegal fireworks call the Dixon police 24-hour police non-emergency number (707-678-7080) and report it… no matter the time of day or night… YOU can help put a stop to this dangerous and outrageous invasion of personal space, peace and quiet


 

Local college bends over backwards for: 

“LGBTQ Pride”

The Solano County Community College Board, operating with taxpayer’s money, has passed a resolution proclaiming June as LGBTQ Pride Month. Our Solano students must be so proud.

I Want to make a proclamation

To offset this I am proclaiming July as NOT LGBTQ-WTF aka… Straight pride month…You know…  I hereby resolve that I proclaim the month of July to be celebrated as… I am proud to be a heterosexual, monogamous, married to the opposite sex, straight individual that knows what goes where and why. But I’m not going to try to shove this down you throat, so to speak, you can be one or not, that’s your choice. And to be fair, once again, I’ll admit I do have lesbian tendencies… so there!

School Resource Officer for Jr. High; now a high priority

Now that we have a high school resource coming on board for the fall (armed cop on campus) we need to start on one for the junior high. It’s much better to have one and not need them than it is to need one and NOT have them. It’s the school’s responsibility to educate them and keep them safe at school while it’s the city’s responsible to keep them safe and free from the type of bullying, assaults and intimidation taking place at both campuses currently. The junior high resource officer can work half day there, not sticking to any schedule and the other half day splitting their time up at the remaining elementary schools establishing a trusting network and “go to” person if trouble is in the air. It’s a shame it has come to this, but it has. We as a city need to be proactive, not reactive. There is nothing more worthless than calling the police to report a crime if it could have been prevented in the first place.

            The city and the school have agreed to provide one officer for the high school starting with the new school year. This position takes extensive training and will be a specialized position within the local department. I’m asking the city to provide a second officer for the junior high and the rest of the schools… hopefully enough on the council agree to make this happen. We have grandchildren going into junior high, coming out of junior high, half way through high school and one just graduated, and friends that have children spread throughout the elementary system so we have a pretty good handle  on what’s happening.

Public safety has to be the number one priority for local government stretching from the young to the elderly and all groups in between. Kids are being threatened, bullied or otherwise intimidated and don’t want to go to school and more parents are being forced to “home school” their children to provide a safe, comfortable environment for learning. The district can’t figure why enrollment (and thereby ADA dollars) continues to shrink and look everywhere but inward for the answers.

Splash Pad Water Playground Equipment…

And Water Play Features

My Splash Pad is pleased to offer fun, colorful, and unique water playground equipment or water play features for commercial water parkslight commercial spray parks and residential “splashpads“.

Our Water CannonFire HydrantFlower ShowerWater UmbrellaRain Sticks, Sun SprayBirdieMini Mushrooms, Rain BlastersBucket Dump , all of the animal and dog water park features are all proudly made right here in the USA (Ohio) and manufactured with the highest quality materials at the hands of skilled craftsmen.

Crafted from heavy wall marine grade fiberglass, our features have some of the highest wall thickness in the industry. NO steel to rust or PVC that breaks!

  • They are built to withstand vigorous play.
  • They will not rust.
  • I’m asking for the parks and recreation commission to immediately look into this new recreational device for children and see about getting a couple of trials set for Dixon.

 

More things for thought

*For a more lifelike simulation I wear a fisherman’s vest and bring along a cooler of beer… when I get on the rowing machine at the gym.

*Beautiful people are much less likely to be convicted by a jury… which is really quite ironic since they’re much more likely to find love in prison.

*How much do prostitutes charge to let you win an argument?

*The closest I’ve ever come to eating seafood is chips-ahoy… a cookie with a nautical term in the title is darn well close enough to seafood for me.

*Why is the floor creaking upstairs?  Does the damn cat weigh that much…jeezus, I hope the damn cat weights that much.

*Nostalgia is what happens when you remember something from your past… while forgetting that you thought your life was crap at that point as well.

*If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee?

*I’m not sure about Ambien causing one to make racist remarks… but I can confirm that pairing Maker’s Mark with sizzling Hot Pockets at 1 AM will make you “like” all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos.

*Saw a girl I have a crush on at IKEA with her fiancé but you know what they say… when God closes a ‘Storas Innjorden’ he opens a ‘Fonstarvivig’.

*For all athletic Gemini’s looking forward to summer:  sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you… good luck on your next mountain bike excursion.

*The most obvious sign you should probably quit drinking is if you’re having the thought…”Should I quit drinking?”

*The great songs of our generation ask the eternal questions… where have all the flowers gone?  How can you mend a broken heart?  Who let the dogs out?

*I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not free weights.

*Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always tell them how my dad left us on my 8th birthday… I leave out the part about how he returned with my cake, although it wasn’t chocolate, so it’s still sad.

*At least my meth-using neighbor mows his lawn… it’s at 4 AM and he’s naked, but still.

*I love books.  You can put them on a shelf.  Shelves that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car…decorated with bats.

*My dad says he hates boxed wine ‘cuz he can’t tell how much he’s consumed… I’m glad I got his mechanical skills and not his sensibility.

*This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but was unable to remember where… I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store.  Guess what?

*Now that I’m older I’ve found I’m afflicted with the eyebrows that are tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

*A pregnant woman was standing in line in front of me so I asked her if she knew what she was having..

.”probably the chicken tenders”, she replied.

*I guess if Porky Pig is going to flash someone he just takes off his bow tie?

*The black tip of the banana is called the “bananus”……..otherwise known as the “little brown tip at the bottom of the banana that no one in their right mind eats”.

*Exercise Induced Anaphylaxis (EIA) is am allergic response to physical activity with a myriad of symptoms like hives, itching, wheezing and diarrhea… one more opportunity to diddle your way to a disabled parking placard.

*Thinking of going into the hotel pool but I need to test the water-to-urine ratio.

*Big Pharma just released some Viagra tea bags.  They do nothing for your sex life… they simply keep whatever you’re dunking in your tea from going soft.

*Have you noticed that when a long-time zoo animal dies they always refer to it as “beloved” or a “crowd favorite”… as if there’s some animal named “Jimmy the Zebra” that everyone hates.

*Elton John has won Grammys, Oscars, Golden Globes… and the Denny’s Pancake Eating Contest.

*After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kind of worried… do you think they might come after my bowling trophies?

*And what’s this “kids eat free” crap?  Kids always eat free…when was the last time you saw a 4-year old pick up a check?

*Craft beers are predominately made from barley and hops which have high levels of calcium and silicon good for strong bones and teeth… maybe why my dentist and bartender are partnering in a brewery/dental office.

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June 8th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #731 (6-8-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 730 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

And just like that; she graduated DHS Last Saturday

We joined what seemed like 1,000 other parents, grandparents and friends on a cool Saturday morning to watch our granddaughter follow in the footsteps of her father, Joel, and uncle, Trey as she took part in the DHS graduation ceremony at the football stadium which saw 237 of her fellow classmates of 2018 also receive their diplomas.

Air horns blared and confetti cannons shot clouds of bright and shiny pieces of paper into the stiff morning breeze making for quite a spectacle. (See photo below). The DHS band played and sounded great and the usual staggering really hot temperatures held off until the brisk ceremony was over.

So our first grandchild cleared the high school hurdle and will now be off to college… while we still have one entering junior high, one getting out of junior high, on starting high school and one half way through.

Just when you think, whew, no more fifth grade band concerts to suffer through with a forced smile. No more plays, basketball, baseball, volleyball…whatever…doesn’t matter folks, it never ends and when it’s done? Well it’s really over but when it is then what?  I’ll tell you what; Our time is over and we give up our bleacher seats to the next set of parents and grandparents watching, rooting, laughing, crying, caring and supporting the next batch of kids from childhood to adulthood in a special little city and a special little school district that they will not appreciate until they travel elsewhere and find not all other the places are like the utopia they’ve had in their home town of Dixon, California.

With all of the accolades, speeches and words flying it was uncomfortably obvious that no mention was even made of Superintendent of Schools Brian Dolan who nursed these kids from kindergarten through graduation. He never missed an event in which this group participated and had the love and respect of the entire student body and their parents; quite a faux pax if you ask me.

Ted: According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the only way to appease the Gods and have the volcanic fires stop is to deliver a human sacrifice. The sacrificial human must be pushed into the fires coming from top of the great mountain volcano… According to long tradition, that sacrifices needs to be a celebrated AND wondrous leader who was born in Hawaii… Former President Barack Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it…Mac, Yolo.

 

Ted: This afternoon, for wont of anything else to do I decided to run some errands on my bicycle.  So I went to the post office, went to the ATM, and then stopped at the liquor store.  I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels.  I took it out and placed it in the basket on the front of my bike and started to mount up and ride home.

Suddenly the thot occurred to me that if for some unknown reason I should fall off my bike there was a danger the bottle might break and I would have lost the whole bottle of JD… And what a waste that would be!  So… I just drank it all, pitched the bottle in the trash, and proceeded to cycle home… It turned out to be a very wise decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on my ride home from Safeway; go figure…John, Dixon

Election: Elation, Erection or Dejection?

Depending on just how much studying you did, how much you researched the candidates and where your horse placed, you are probably really happy, excited or downright depressed.

I didn’t tell anyone how they should vote but I pointed out some facts about our local county folks running and all those well qualified incumbent folks won handily… supervisor, sheriff, DA. etc.… None have to run in the general election in November…. Which means less mailers, ads and cyber trash cluttering up our lives…yea?

Maybe a lot of folks just don’t really care on the local level… or they are just satisfied with the status quo, or the challengers are just lacking, brains, experience or a proper support mechanism. . However a lot of our people did vote in the primary and a lot didn’t.

But folks should care, especially at the state level where we will all be paying for those results for years to come whether you voted or not. If didn’t bother to vote the shut the hell up, you really don’t have a voice and have no right to complain…and that’s the truth.

Sad part is I/We have to pay for your laziness and must suffer through at least four more years of take away from us and give to others, bend over backwards for minority power groups or however they do it in the LBGT community, and push our children out of classrooms from grade school to college to make room for the DACCA darlings and their scholarships we give them free… while our children pay through the nose for education IF they can even get the classes they want. WTF?  Just remember the government can’t give anything to anyone it doesn’t take from someone else… and that someone is US. We pay for all this crazy crap and the hundreds of new laws we pay these idiots to pass each year; even though they, and we, know they are not necessary… but they have to justify their positions and outrageous salaries and perks we give them to screw us at each and every turn… year after year… and what we really need is more state and federal laws on the books huh (that’s sarcasm)?

More Things for Thought

*One obvious rule when you’re over 60… You better try to pee before you go anywhere or do anything.

*In Canada it’s much too hard to get a gun.  So if you wish to get revenge on someone you most often will do a “house egging”… or a drive-by “bagpiping”.

*A relationship is not just about the heartwarming feelings, the happiness and the physical connection… it’s about getting yelled at for something you didn’t do.

*This afternoon’s self-inflicted injury was caused by 1 part hammock, 2 parts “what the hell is crawling on me?” and…….oh migawd!  Wtf just bit me?

*I found out that the proper response to “top of the morning to you” is “and the rest of the day to yourself”… Crap! I went with “screw you!”

*I farted when I tried to reenact the crane kick scene from the karate kid.

*Ahhh, my wife… I met her at a topless Jell-O wrestling match.  It was her turn in the ring and I knew we would get along fine when I saw her eat a corndog in a single bite and then spit out the stick.

*If aliens ever decide to abduct me I hope they do it on Sunday night rather than on Friday night… because I really would hate to lose a weekend.

*Let’s be honest… really, when was the last time you saw a drunk skunk?

*I may be wrong but I think the rise in childhood obesity got its start when we started sugar-coating all the information we feed them.

*Two roads diverged in the wood, and I?  I took the one most traveled… knowing it had the best chance of leading me to a McDonald’s or Starbucks.

*When you see a group of nudists playing volleyball… that’s when you understand why god gave us clothes.

*You know you’ve given up on your diet… when you insert an Oreo inside a cream-filled donut.

*I think physical education teachers are the real winners in life… they can wear shorts and/or sweatpants to work every day and it’s completely acceptable.

*Someone asked if I go camping… huh?  Our ancestors evolved over years and years and provided us with HD television, pillow-top mattresses and flush toilets.  Why would I sleep outside?

*Just saw my financial advisor spinning an advertising sign for a taco joint at major highway intersection… this can’t be good.

*I’d love to sleep naked but I’m afraid I’d scare the darn cat…

*I find it ironic that my wife gives me the silent treatment… when she’s pissed off because she thinks I never listen to her.

*The damn cat’s worst habit is hacking up those disgusting fur balls on the carpet… especially since there’s an easy-to-clean hardwood floor right next to it.

*Spicy mustard is great on a sandwich… if the only thing you want to taste is spicy mustard.

*Reincarnation as a cat is my ultimate hope.  An entire lifetime of being rude coupled with the ability to get comfortable and nap wherever you please… and people go out of their way to appease you.

*He gazed in the mirror and took a very critical look at his beard… and realized that ‘hipster’ and ‘homeless’ look just about the same.

*I just want to get in pretty good shape and lose enough weight so that if I ever lost a limb or went blind… your first damn thot wouldn’t be diabetes.

*Last night I learned that ouzo is the Greek god of regret.

*If you ever want to reach 100% accuracy when confessing your sins take your wife with you and have her help out… she has a list.

*It’s a little known historical fact that most pirates peg-legs were made from end tables…discarded by frustrated Ikea customers.

*My “well, maybe if you had taken a nap today like I did you wouldn’t be yawning” logic to the wife… was met by both of her upraised middle fingers.

*I solved the problem of getting dizzy whenever standing up… by simply not getting up.

*Kid rock’s brother, fraggle, knows better lyrics.

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June 1st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #730 (6-1-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 729 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

Wild Artichokes…

A couple of weeks ago I ran a piece about the wild asparagus we harvested out in the country and said how much sweeter it was than typical store bought stuff. For years I wanted to hit the Liberty Island area when the wild artichokes were just right and try them out. They are ready and at a premium right now and we took the boat and grabbed a dozen or so.  They are smaller and even more prickly but sweeter and a heck of a lot less expensive that their giant cousins in the store. Just like asparagus, their season is short and its labor intensive to collect but both wild veggies are worth it. My first wife, Linda, boiled down a batch and we just ate the little hearts and they were delicious.

Dixie’s Dead Again?

The short lived excitement of  bringing “home” Dixie the Dinosaur of the highway Cheaper Gas Station fame has apparently died from due diligence by one of our councilmembers and the city manager. Long story short: The guy that claimed to own it maybe doesn’t and his frantic “buy it today for $25,000 or else” ended up, or else. Councilman Steve Bird was tipped off by a friend that the ownership of the 15 ton Sinclair Gas Station logo was in question which sent city manager, Jim Linley on a fact finding mission (as instructed by the city council) only to discover proof of ownership could not be established in the time frame requested by the self-proclaimed “owner”… So it looks like the Dixie’s deal is mostly dead for real this time and Dixon will remain dinosaurless  which is a shame Because I had some good local real dinosaur stories (right from this area) to tell from a man who was born and raised on Putah Creek, by Stevenson’s Bridge, before the dams went in.

 

City Election coming… I’m up next!

Others see a big difference, I don’t…. Maybe a little greyish hair and I don’t weight 112# anymore, but not a big difference from my campaign poster in 1972 or ’78 or whenever it was. This was the poster that got me elected back then when I joined a council made of four men old enough to be my grandfathers… The only one still above ground is Ron Dupratt (yep, that Ron Dupratt of Ron Dupratt Ford)… and I bet he could tell you some stories. We found this old poster and you know it’s funny; my campaign spiel is still the same… I was elected to four year terms in 1968, 72, 76 and 78 which took me into the 80’s…I skipped the 90’s and the first 2,000 years and sat back until 2014 when I was encourage to run again to “bring some common sense back to the council”…  And when I was surprisingly elected what I did bring is decades of political history and knowledge…

What was odd about that historic election is I didn’t take a penny from anyone, received and solicited no endorsements and was outspent by thousands of dollars with a crowded field… and still the voters saw through the money and the B.S. and hired me for another term to bring some common sense, (and “no beholding to nobody”) approach back to local politics. You may never see that happen again…trusting the voters to do due diligence on their own and see through the cash cows, mailers, signs, backers, special interests, ads, signs, tricks, gimmicks, signs, etc. and voted for a candidate on reputation and past accomplishments  alone…

We’ll see if it still holds true if I run for re-election for the November election.  I’ve always been elected and represented by all of the voters of the city and now that I’ve been put in a “district” I will still continue to represent all of the voters no matter what, and people that know me, know that. My “district” just happens to be my general neighborhood that has always statistically supported me and I’m hoping folks will ‘hire” me for another term to let me finish the many projects I’ve helped get going. More on all we’ve done in the last four years along will come later.

I was a young 22 year old know-it-all (which has changed to a know less than I thought) who, after my first four years on the council decided I knew it all, and would run for county supervisor against a slovenly, cigar smoking textbook real “good old boy” with money to spend and a pool of indebted backers waiting in the wings… Ray Church, from Rio Vista.  He called me and said he had $10,000 and unlimited backer’s cash in reserve and asked me if I thought I could seriously compete. He was a fat slob of a man and I heard wasn’t opposed to a stiff drink on a regular basis… but he was loaded (in more ways than one) and the puppet of those big money boys who controlled the county. I was just a poor Dixon City Councilman (that’s what we were called back then) who happened to be the State and National award winning newspaper editor of the Dixon Tribune at the time.

Did that bother me? Nope. I just said something like: “I don’t like you or what you represent and I will try to make you spend as much money as I can and get my points acrossfree. People back then said I had “more ball than brains”… That probably hasn’t decreased much with age. I lost but like our junior councilmember running this time took condolence in the fact I got as many votes as I did.                                                    Everyone except my first wife Linda, loved the show… you know, no holds barred, no muffler on the mouth, and basically just calling things as I saw them (right or wrong).  So our junior city councilman Minnema is just kind of Déjà vu all over again. A little more polished maybe, and maybe a little smarter and savvy for his age but he isn’t unique, and the stakes have changed. He’s running to trade a city job paying about $500 a month for a county job of over $100,000 a year. I think it paid $25,000 back them which would still have been a step up from the $150 a week at the Tribune and like $75 a month for the council…But, Yep, I’ll be off and running again soon and unlike the BS you hear and read about with everyone running for office I do have a list of unfinished things that need to be done and I plan to see them through!

 

I DIDN’T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST,

BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.

 Law of Mechanical Repair –After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity –  Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability   The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers  – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal, and someone always answers.

Supermarket Law – As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
Variation Law  If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.8. Law of Close Encounters   The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.9.

 Law of the Result    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.10.

 Law of Biomechanics –The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.11..

 Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena  – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave before the end of the game or performance. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.12.

 The Coffee Law  – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.13.

  Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.14.

 Law of Physical Surfaces  The chances of a slice of buttered bread or toast landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.15.

Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.16.

  Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.17.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy  As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.19.

 Doctors’ Law  If you are sick, make an appointment with the doctor. By the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with pets and the veterinarian also.

 

Ted’s Secrets to Inner Peace.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family dog… And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

 

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

If you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away

 

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May 25th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #729 (5-25-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 728 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Dixon “Dixie” Dinosaur May Be Coming “Home”?

Dixon Mayor, and local businessman Thom Bogue, has been looking for way to “invigorate the downtown area” since the day he was elected. He is half-heartedly backing the downtown plaza idea even though he’s balking at the escalating price tag.  Anyway, he brought a proposal to the city council meeting Tuesday to buy the famous Dixon “Dixie” the Dinosaur and bring it back. It was a big attraction (so big at times it caused traffic problems) when it was displayed at the gas station on the highway at the A Street interchange (see front page story). Local realtor, and chairman of the planning commission Kevin Johnson, and Dixon Chamber of Commerce head, Carol Pruitt, spoke enthusiastically in favor of the idea and offered to head up a fund drive to raise the needed money to pay for the purchase and upkeep. They said the idea has “gone viral” in favor, on social media. The price tag for the purchase alone is said to be $25,000.  I gave the needed third vote for the city manager to explore and complete the transaction if everything checks out… More next week…. But Dixie “might” be coming home… and people will flock here to see it once again; except this time in town; if not we may be able to resell it at a profit.

It’s currently on Twin Sisters Road in Suisun Valley and is 71 feet tall and weighs about 15,000 pounds. There seems to be a question of ownership and rights which is being explored by the city manager and he will report options back to the council at its next meeting which give the public plenty of time to voice an opinion about buying it…  if that becomes an option. The object was to get it here to help the downtown business community with an actual item that will bring people off the freeway and into town. It caused a major ruckus and a lot of attention and visitors the last time it was here when it sat just off the freeway just off the West A Street interchange.

Election’s now; Don’t Know Who

To Vote For This Time?

So you don’t know who to vote for? You still need to vote. Locally there are only a few choices you can make and objectively here’s why you should vote for the Following.  All photos by me…

The Solano County Supervisor’s race (district 4) boils down to two people to represent us at the county level…

District 4, includes Vacaville west of Peabody Road up to Marshall Drive, north of Marshall Drive to Nut Tree Road and then west of Interstate 80 to the Yolo County line, Dixon and the unincorporated area north of Midway to the Yolo County line.

  1. John Vasquez, 67, current Chairman of the Board, lives in Vacaville and has served our area well since we became part of his district. Just see the safety improvements in our area roads. As far as county/regional business goes some of his decisions may be debatable… but he’s been good to us and our rural area plus always backing the city when called upon. He has a strong backing of business, labor and other elected officials for his willingness to work for and with local government. He knows the ropes, serves on important committees, works well with others, and has the juice to get things done.
  1. Devon Minnema, 22, didn’t list his age on the ballot and is serving his second year of a four year term as an elected Dixon City Council person. He arranged for the endorsement by the Solano County Republican Central Committee, although not a unanimous choice. Highly controversial and in his early 20’s he feels confident he can make the political jump from city to county politics. His support base is lean but he will garner a lot of votes from millennials, the anti-incumbent haters and many local voters simply on the fact he is from Dixon… and should at least carry Dixon.
  2. Tom Ferrara, 57, Sheriff/Coroner (see photo below with D.A.) has served as sheriff for the past six years, department running good. He is a very visible person for a law enforcement officer. He is in touch with our community as well as most in Solano County. He has been at just about every public event held in Dixon and knows this community and our people. His opponents have some gripes but no actual experience at this level. Read their info in the sample ballot.

Running unopposed but good people to vote for with no reason to vote against… I know and endorse all three for what that’s worth…

  1. District Attorney, Krishna Abrams (see photo) (Dixon Resident)
  2. Treasurer/Tax Collector/County Clerk, Charles A. Lomeli (Dixon Resident)
  3. Assessor-Recorder Marc Tonnesen

 

MoreThings For Thought*”Limerance” is defined as the state of infatuation with another with a strong desire for reciprocation. Although not primarily sexual… the damn cat has this feeling for the can opener.

*Pluto is no longer a planet, and there may be a 51st state soon… looks like fifth grade was a total waste of time.

*Dolphins capture and suck on toxic pufferfish in an attempt to get high… who doesn’t?

*Dr. John Kellogg invented corn flakes as a healthy, ready-to-eat, anti-masturbatory breakfast cereal for his mentally ill sanitarium patients… I must be eating them wrong.

*My fortune cookie read… “going paperless, my butt!”

*Of course I date much younger women… they wouldn’t have established an ‘age of consent’ if they didn’t want us to use it.

*I hate it when the barista asks me if I want whipped cream.  It feels like there are only two answers…”yes, please, I’m fat.” or “no, thank you, I’m fat”.

*Some people ‘dance like no one is watching’… I tend to eat like that.

*When things get dull I like to visit the graves of people who said “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”… and make inordinate amounts of noise.

*Welcome to parenthood.  You’re about to begin several years of trying to convince a sleepy person… to go to sleep.

*First, we’d like to welcome all of you to “Swinger’s Club” and apologize if you thought this was about wife swapping… now, who wants to give me a push?

*You’re only young once… after that you have to come up with some other reason for acting like a child.

*The worst part of singing when you drive is not being able to close your eyes when you hit the really high notes… this creates one of the most horrifying faces a human can make.

*”Please stop saying I’m crazy!  You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron!”

*I was pushing the stroller and a stranger approached and said, “Aren’t you cute!  How old are you?”  I replied, “35”.  The stranger says “I was talking to him”…. I informed him, “he doesn’t know how old I am”.

*A great example of “guilt by association”… the horse I rode in on.

*Wilkie, a killer whale that resides at a French aquarium, can say ‘hello’ and “bye bye” through its blowhole… and I still can’t manage ‘Chrysanthemum’ on the first try.

*Note to Baskin-Robbins employees:  stop giving me larger scoops then my granddaughter… it’s ruining our relationship.

*Keep in mind if you’re continuously in charge of the vegetable tray or the salad for holiday dinners… the family has zero confidence in your culinary skills.

*I’m not fat… I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

*The washing machine is on the fritz and the laundry has really started to pile up… at this point I’ve started wearing old Halloween costumes.

*I waited 3 hours at the hospital lab for a prick that lasted just a few seconds…….so I get it ladies, I completely get it.

*When peacocks mate with peahens they give out a loud “copulatory call” and actually are capable of a fake call to attract more hens… sort of a peacock version of Tinder.

*I would tell everybody how much I detest animal cruelty… but at this point I feel like it’s just beating a dead horse.

*The neighbor kid’s been looking for a job.  I told him there’s a job for everyone and asked what he was good at.  He said his parents said he smelled bad and made them uncomfortable in their own home…”Have you considered cable installation?”

*For the third time I have been overlooked for the position of “royal baby”.

*I’ve started wearing my fitness tracker to bed……..if I’m going to make 2-3 trips to the bathroom during the night I’m damn sure getting credit for them.

*The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished… I’ve never sympathized with women more.

*The human body can grow a complete human being in 9 months, with a brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, the whole deal… yet I twist my ankle and they tell me 2-3 years and it’ll never be the same.

*We had a bad storm a few days ago and the neighbor lost his roof and had no insurance.  I’m starting a gofundme account so I can go to Hawaii… I don’t want to be around all the construction noise

Reagan’s Greatest Hits

“Socialism only works in two places: Heaven, where they don’t need it, and Hell, where they already have it.”~ Ronald Reagan

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.”~ Ronald Reagan

“The most terrifying words In the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”~ Ronald Reagan

The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.~ Ronald Reagan

“Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U S was too strong.”~ Ronald Reagan

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U S Congress.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the Federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“Government is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”~ Ronald Reagan

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I’ve learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“No arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.”

~ Ronald Reagan

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under GOD, then we’ll be a nation gone under.”~ Ronald Reagan.

Anton’s Worried!

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May 18th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #728 (5-18-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 727 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman © 5-18-18

 

‘Libertards’ run amuck and we let them?

New Boy-girl-LGBT Scout? Seriously? The BSA, Boy Scouts of America was is a century Old, reliable, United State of America organization as is/was the Cub Scouts and Brownies and Girl Scouts and Campfire Girls… but the libertarda just won’t be happy until the girl scouts are wearing veils, the Boy’s Scouts are in lace up hiking high heels and the boys and girls are mingling at campouts thereby producing little scouts since birth control and sex education and anti-straight teachings are illegal… WTF folks? I mean. Seriously, WWTF?

Mandated, legal, Gay Boy Scout leaders… It’s now illegal to counsel young boys/girls they don’t have to be gay that they do have a choice… how in the hell did we get to this? Can you say liberalism run amok?

Parents make girls join the Boy Scouts. Sacramento Democrats first mandated that boys/men’s could use girl’s facilities and now have outlawed counseling children telling they don’t have to be converted to the GLBT lifestyle if they don’t want to. These brain damaged tweaks at the top of the food chain folks made the DMV give driver’s licenses (Legal ID’s to Illegal immigrants) to non-citizens, make it legal to be illegal, and have taken away any incentive to become a citizen of the state and country they are ruining.

These yahoos give scholarships to non-citizens while American citizens’ children are crowded out of classrooms. They’ve made illegal aliens, “undocumented immigrants”, taxpayers to pay for sex change operation for convicted criminals serving life terms in prison, … and they’ve made it illegal to say what you really think or feel… and Lord help you if you don’t go along and agree with them. They fill the media with fake news and, pushed the pledge allegiance and non-denominational prayer out of our schools and replaced it with sex education telling the positive side of the GALBT life styles… like there really is one. Many of those folks are really screwed up and unhappy and they think everyone should join them in their suffering I guess. Hollywood’s money and wealthy liberal weenies control what millions think because we are a nation of sheep and our youngsters look up to the low IQ’s but good looks and lots of money in Hollywood, and the professional athletics that flaunt their obscene wealth.

You’ve got a new governor, lt. governor, attorney general and other state high ranking officials waiting in the wings to be “elected”  (they are outright campaigning on those principals) who will try to make California a complete “sanctuary state” and give even more to “takers”; You know the takers…Don’t work, don’t want to work but take  FREE housing, food, medical, dental, education and now are demanding even more free crap that YOU pay for, not the elected officials. YOU pay for all of this crap. While our “leaders” lie, collect obscene salaries and perks, cheat and abuse young and old, men and women, restrict our rights, we sit back and prepare to elect the next wave of twisted souls all dressed up and neatly packaged to sell their image to the lazy voters. Enough is enough. When do our “citizens” wake up and smell the stink of overt wealthy mass media manipulation of minds?

The media’s moguls have been out to control the uncontrollable President Trump. They hate him because he can’t be bought or sold and somehow got the American people to open their eyes and ears to make him, what will probably go down in history, as one of the greatest American presidents. That is a dangerous trend and if it can’t be curbed the entire power structure in the nation could shift from a few in power to the many…and boy, are they afraid of that.

You think not? Ignore the left winged propaganda fed to us daily by both the print and mass media-media. And look at the facts:Obama, who history will remember as probably the worst presidents this country was ever coned into voting into office bowed down to the Muslim extremists (America haters) and they laughed behind his back, took our billions of dollars he tried to buy good will with and screwed us at every turn. He got weak kneed when when threatened by fat boy Young Kum Sum and his threat of nuclear weapons.…  He bowed down before Muslim leaders and brought hundreds of thousands of Muslims from American hating countries to the US and gave then free housing food, money and everything all Americans must work hard to obtain. They in turn enlarged their settlements, set up their own little governments and told Americans to keeps their hands off and not interfere with their “religious freedoms”.

Now here comes POTUS President Trump. They bow when they meet him and quake when he speaks. The big mouth fat boy Korean leader who was going to attack our country got his butt handed to him when Trump called his bluff and drew a line in the sand which fat boy rapidly retreated from, let political prisoners go, offered to destroy his nuclear toys and agreed to sit down and see if he can’t broker peace with the most powerful man on the planet.. Trump does everything from a posture of strength and resolve, the bullies have been brought to their knees, the stock market continues to hit record highs, the in balance in trade with other major players is starting to even out. Unemployment is at a record low and personal income is climbing to new heights…and still the associated press, and the three major networks daily trash Trump and TRY to make him look bad however they can… To what end?

The point of all of this is: Elections are coming:  Speak up when you hear made up trash talk and ask for facts. Speak up when you know you have disaster looming with the democratic cadre with which they are planning to rule California for the foreseeable future. Newsome and his hand pick crew for all state offices’ are a hopeless disaster waiting to happen… They want a sanctuary state and want to import as many future democrats (undocumented immigrants”) as they can to support their future agendas. Why else would they burden with working class with this uncontrolled fiscal disaster? I men, heck, come to Sacramento and the communist Mayor there will give you free housing, money ( plus $1,000 a month each month you aren’t caught breaking the law, no kidding), free food, phones, medical, dental education, lawyers etc. (everyone should have a home, Mayor Phil says and no one should have to work if they don’t want to and the taxpayers should feel honored to work 24/7  to provide all of this for those who just flat out “don’t want to do nothing”.  Again,I can only ask WTF?

 

God’s Plan for Aging… from the email bag.

I receive between 50 and 100 emails every day from all over and thousands of spam messages each week; thank goodness for the spam filter. I try to pick out one each week or so that I think is either funny or educational and share it with you… such as the one below. Thank you Walter Peters!

Ted:  (Old but worth seeing again huh?) Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are, walking from room to room more, getting up and down more, getting excited more, deep breathing more, remember —–it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you continually mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

*There might be something wrong with your school system… when your 15-year old thinks algebra is the gross green gunk in your fish tank.

*I hate it when we set the clocks ahead one hour… now I get my usual wake-up erection when I’m on the bus to work.

*Sears used to offer both cocaine and syringes in its home catalog… this was back when sears was profitable.

*I don’t exercise… it seems like a waste to die healthy.

*I just made her the happiest woman in the world.  I got down on one knee, took her hand in mine, looked her in the eye and asked… if she would like to go with me to target.

*Last Sunday was palm Sunday… the observance of the onetime Jesus was able to hold a basketball in one hand.

More Things for Thought

*Albeit brief, no bond is stronger than the one that exists between husbands… waiting outside the kohl’s dressing room for their wives.

*When I awaken in the morning and get out of bed the fact that everything hurts… lets me know that I’m still alive.

*Oscar Mayer wiener mobile motorists, who are responsible for getting the vehicle to its various appearances, typically ride in pairs… with the one in the passenger seat designated as riding “shotbun”.

*People typically say that chickens are stupid… but I think that screaming about the start of a new day seems pretty reasonable.

*When I was a kid kale was something people ate on a dare.

*If my girlfriend really loved me she’d stop being imaginary.

*During the Olympics in Argentina in 2016 a local headline read, “Mutilated body washes up on rio beach to be used for volleyball”… I would have suggested using a regular ball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

*The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district.

*My wife just tried to kill a small garden snake in the backyard… and by kill I mean screaming as loud as it’s humanly possible to in an attempt to make the snake’s head explode.

*I stopped complaining about insomnia… when I found out I had three uncles who died in their sleep.

*I experienced a religious revelation today.  I realized that God’s favorite word in the English language is ‘amen’… because when he hears it he knows we’re thru asking him for crap.

*I got fired from my job at the funeral home for inventing casketball.

*I’m still laughing about this schmuck back in high school ‘cuz he was bragging to me he had had 10 times more sex than I had… 10 times 0 is still 0!

*I ordered a toilet seat on-line… and now from all the ads I get you’d think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter Paige; it seemed funny at the time”… one chapter in “the confessions of Nat turner”.

*I just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph… she was not happy.

*The marriage counselor asked my why I resented my wife and I told him it was because she made me get out of a line for Bruce Springsteen tickets… something about her water breaking.

*At 6:30 I got up to take the dog for a walk.  At 6:32 I poured a cup of coffee and decided to take a quick look at Facebook… at 7:49 I tramped in dog poop on my kitchen floor.

*I went to the gym this morning for the first time in months… apparently I’m more prepared for exhuming than I am for exercising.

*My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, but with one exception… if I’m driving than she controls the radio.

*I love mint flavored ice cream because it’s easy to convince myself I’m just brushing my teeth… which is a much healthier action than shoveling ice cream down my throat.

*It’s been shown that mosquitoes urinate on you after sucking your blood… talk about adding insult to injury!  

*Always felt sorry for the fat kid at camp who only had white tee-shirts to wear… when the plethora of water guns came out he looked like the winner at a strip joints wet tee shirt contest.

*Life is like a Brazilian wax… the more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you the less painful it is.

 

© 5-18-18

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May 12th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #727 (5-11-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 726 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

The old Dixon May Fair started yesterday and runs thru Sunday… if you’ve never been, take the kids and go… It’s one of the great disappearing things about a small town left for us to enjoy.

What to do about stuff that bugs you…

The simple answer to take care of all of the things that bug you is a two-step process; say screw it, or do something about it. Bitching about it doesn’t help the problem or make it go away.

            Take aggravating TV commercials for instance. Boycott all products that have annoying commercials. Vote for the opponent of those in all aggravating political flyers or TV commercials… How about TV stations?  Change stations, put a blip in their ratings and drop them a line telling them what you did and why. Channel 3… their promos telling how they are on the spot and so great for covering things: Like the news “reporter” (reader) Brian Heap who brags about being on the ground and giving you “live reliable coverage”… Yeah like the time when he was in Las Vegas when the shooting occurred and he said on the air he locked himself in a stall in the men’s room when he heard gun shots… this is a real man, a real old fashioned “newsman” huh? Get out of my living room you fake “reporter”-pansy… Or how about the new 11 am (on Channel 10) news reader on speed who seems to think her glibly buzzing through everything somehow makes her worth watching…

… You will stay out of my living room

Now how about the Sacramento attorney’s ads; all of which are really bad but one is outstandingly the worst. (the one who looks like the anti-Christ and pimps his services as an ambulance chaser with a bible in his hand and even said you can call his number and he will pray with you) and will even come to you if you are hurt badly enough to represent a big payoff for him… just call 916-666-6666. The list of offensive legal, and other, ads goes on and on, but the point is made. Don’t reward any of them with your business or attention… This goes for commercial products too. Turn off the TV and turn off fake news which, you know, is fashioned and controlled by a small monopoly of wealthy moguls who want you to think like they want you to think and will go to any extreme to make that happen… “Local” news is not immune to this either. Who owns the Sacramento Bee, Vacaville Reporter, Vallejo Time Herald, Woodland Democrat, and Rio Vista River News?  Can you say “chains?” Did you know this publication is the only privately owned, operated and locally published media in this part of the state? Well, it is. It’s owned and operated independently by a Solano County native living right here among us… wow, how’s that for a new concept? (But: Even this paper is not completely protected from writers spewing slanted stuff).

 It’s really only the real “golden rule.” You know, he who has the gold rules) being taken to an illogical extreme. Mass media… controlled and fake news…You think not? Look at the graphic below about our country and weep…

I could go on and on but what’s the use? Most people are either to tired or too lazy or afraid to make a principled stand and find it easier to go along… just to get along.

            How about those new *&%^#$%#@ Robo calls using hijacked local numbers to get you to answer because caller ID shows a local prefix?  I had all but given up, but I now take the time to recall them and inform the buttheads I’m tracking their calls and will come and visit them personally (or at home) if I get one more call… And I very profanely tell them what I will do to them if I show up at their place of work… I hope it’s “recorded” and they share it with co-workers. Sure it takes a few minutes to holler into the phone and make threats… but you know what? It works; I haven’t had a call back from one where I screamed into the phone and threatened to track them down and break into their home and kill their goldfish…and, as a bonus, my stress level seems to be reduced after each cathartic outburst.

Sayings worth repeating…

~Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

~Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain

~The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; And to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

~Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge

~Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint- Mark Twain

~By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

~I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

~I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

~My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

~I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. –  Zsa Zsa Gabor

~Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

~My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield

~Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

~Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP- Joe Namath

~I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

~I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it- W. C. Fields

~We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

~Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

~Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

– Phyllis Diller

~By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere – Billy Crystal…

And the cardiologist’s diet:  if it tastes good spit it out

~May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

More Things For Thought

 

*During World War II then Princess Elizabeth kept the British citizens spirits up with weekly radio broadcasts… and freestyle rap battles.

*Bottomless mimosas are good.  In fact, almost anything bottomless is good… although illegal in many states.

*She said, “I always wondered what chloroform smelled like”.

*Work is for people who don’t have solitaire on their computer.

*Every shred of true happiness my wife has ever had has been tied to people who trip and fall down… in seemingly amusing ways.

*Don’t call me fat; after all I have feelings too… mostly hunger, but nevertheless.

*I don’t understand how this climate change stuff keeps happening… even though I buy my own bags at the grocery store.

*”Why can’t you be more like him?” my mother asked me… pointing to the scene in Back to the Future where Marty Mcfly was disappearing from all the family photos.

*I just added “take home leftover pancakes” to my Daily Planner… so yes, my life is filled with danger, intrigue, and excitement.

*Can you imagine what the estate tax will be…. when the meek finally do inherit the earth?

*He closes the porn movie on his laptop, tosses the empty Cheetos bag on to the sofa nearly hitting one of the cats, alone in the basement of his mom’s house, 34, unemployed and single. He has a revelation…..”I should give life advice to people on the internet!”

*Y’know, you never see a fountain featuring a woman peeing.

*She asked “what cologne are you wearing?”…. “Spilled coffee.” I replied.

*I’ll buy into that ‘flat earth’ idea if you can explain how Helios gets his Sun Chariot back across the sky… without anyone seeing him. I’ll wait.

*The one upside to having triplets… you finally have enough babies to juggle.

*The daughter-in-law doesn’t understand why an ear infection examination requires her to get undressed… she’d find a new veterinarian but the dog really likes this doctor.

*Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains… by strategically repositioning your furniture.

*What’s a therapist”… nothing more than a professional listener who makes you feel okay about being a loser.

*No horror movie will ever be as scary… as the sight of the water coming up instead of going down when I flush the toilet at my girlfriend’s home.

*I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day… but it seems to make the other people in the office uncomfortable.

*In a society filled with eye candy…I’m a circus peanut.

*Today is Queen Elizabeth’s 92nd birthday… very few of her subjects are aware that her last name is Mountbatten-Windsor-Shabadoo.

*Teamwork, pride, commitment.  These are all words used by employers to make an employee feel good… about working for minimum wage.

*My wife said I was the worst whistler ever… or was it listener?

*I enjoy going to the gym this time of year because I find I’m both an inspiration and a perfect example… of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

*Casual racism is awful… back when I was young racists would dress up.  Sheets mostly, but still.

*Do the vendors of “The Daily Cannabis” newspaper shout “Weed all about it!”?… They so should.

*We renovated the master bathroom and my granddaughter saw it and remarked “oooh! You have two sinks!” I replied, “Yes, we do.”… She asked, “One for each hand?”

*I pulled a hamstring during last week’s Boston Marathon… an hour or so into the race I jumped off the couch to get a beer.

 *I just read that next year the San Antonio Spurs will be sponsored by the people who make Viagra… because they can’t seemingly get past a semi.

The Justified Fear in Illegal Immigrants…

Can you understand the fear in the heart of this young man?

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May 8th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #726 (5-4-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

By Ted Hickman …. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 725 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

Linda’s Birthday & Cinco d`e Mayo

My first wife Linda’s birthday is actually on Cinco d`e quarto and the very next day we celebrate Cinco d`e Mayo, a coincidence, I think not. Anyway this year I promised my true love a better birthday than last year… Last Year I was just coming off double cataract eye surgery (April 21st) and after having ocular implants inserted had a stroke (May 3rd) the day before her birthday. The next day, we went from her birthday celebration at Cache Creek buffet directly to the ER at Kaiser in Vacaville…  Bummer for her but quite a gift for me as it turned out however, because the stroke literally saved my life. In doing the diagnostics to check for a stroke they found my only remaining carotid artery was occluded (98+ per cent) to the point that in another week or less I’d probably would have been worm dirt… so three days later, just getting out of Vacaville ER we went to Kaiser Vallejo where the doctor, after checking all of the Cat scans, MRI’s etc., told Linda and family “he won’t be going home”… She immediately lost all color; not exactly what she wanted, or expected to hear.

What he meant was my condition was so severe he was admitting me to the hospital immediately. Right then and there he scheduled an operation the first thing in the morning. Wait, it gets better. So, the next morning with Linda stressed out I go into for a somewhat routine two to three hour surgery and come out five  hours later with the surgeon saying had he waited another day there may have been no need for surgery, I’d have been toast. As he started to clean the artery in the OR it disintegrated, one of only a few times he had ever seen that in the hundreds of like surgeries he has performed there… The guy’s a master… so he’s got no artery to work with so he calls for a stent, patches it in there and here I am almost as good as new… what a difference a year and a day makes huh? I’ve recouped almost everything I lost except my fine motor skills still need honing. When I get physically or mentally tired things like typing this colum become a challenge but its a small price to pay for what I retained and got back. There was no pain during all of this but there are days now with left hand and foot pain that let me know I’m not quite 100 percent yet. But I’ve fished and hunted  with my stent and new eyes and my huting/fishing skills are as crappy as they’ve ever been; but at least I can enjoy outdoor sports. I have no reason to complain. I felt a little sorry for myself at first until we saw people in physical thearpy unable to stand, move or eat by themselves and then the old saying hit home for me… You’ve heard the one?: “I felt sorry for my self because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet”.

This reminds me to put this warning out one more time…

My stroke was painless. As I hopped out of bed as usual I fell/tripped into the wall, no pain, no dizziness, no nothing. After head bashing the wall I was a little dizzy but attributed that to the head bang, which was on the May3rd. On the morning of May4th (Linda’s BD) I couldn’t tie my shoes, button my shirt by myself, couldn’t find the right holes to put on a T-shirt, put the proper leg in the proper pant leg when trying to put on pants, and couldn’t stand on one foot while trying to dress, and had lost my fine motor skills, but still I felt it was because I banged my head… Wrong!

The moral of this lovely birthday story is a warning for you and yours based on my experience and collective stroke knowledge  given to me from no less than five ER doctors and a couple of surgeons. By the way: Linda said being a relative or part of the waiting room group is a lot harder than being the patient… the stress of it all for them is nerve racking to say the least. For the patient it’s easy. A few needle sticks and you go to sleep and you wake up, or you don’t, and the family has to deal with it … so remember that if you are ever the patient… it’s harder on the ones that care about you than it is on you!

If you or a friend, or relative ever feel dizzy for no reason, have a facial distortion or numbness sit down and take inventory. Stick out your tongue, is it straight like normal, or curled? Count backwards from 100. Try to recite the alphabet. What is your name? Address? Phone number? What city are you in; do you know where’re you are? If you fail any of these tests call 911 and immediately tell them you may have had or are having a stroke. Do not get in the car or have someone drive you to the hospital…call 911 and go by ambulance, so they’ll be waiting for you with the proper machines ready. Minutes matter for your life and the amount of brain damage you could have is exponential to wasted time.

 

This is a re-run of last week’s rare wild “bobcat “photo where the editor, trying to help drew an arrow pointing to a rock at the bottom (to help you find the cat)…   The bobcat is at the very top in the very center, see it?

 

From the email bag… Thanks John!

More Things for thought 5-4-18

Apparently the unhealthier a food is the cheaper it is.  For instance, salad is several dollars while a McDouble is only $1… I wish it was the same with liquids, fruit juice $10, bourbon $1.

*I hate to admit but I find myself getting bored with internet porn… I may just have to go back to having sex.

*Why do they call it a “power outage” when there’s a disruption in your electricity… but not a “power onage” when it comes back on?

*I saw that Tonya Harding is on Dancing With the Stars… I hope her partners knees hold up.

*When I see the grandkids sitting on the couch smiling those beautiful, angelic smiles… I just know the damn cat is somewhere wrapped up in duct tape.

*I think it would be fun to be a Walmart greeter… just smile, welcomes them, and then mutter “everyone comes in, but not everyone leaves“.

*Blood is thicker than water… which is my secret to winning the annual May Fair gravy-making competition every year.

*Technically, Moses was the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

*Asked another retiree how he spends his time and he said pondering things like do we truly have free will?  Does God exist? Is the universe real? I said, “I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on while he flies.”

*”At least you’ll be safe from zombies”… I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

*A group of crows is called a ‘murder’… a group of people walking slowly and blocking the sidewalk in front of me is called a ‘motive’.

*My wife at a baby shower:  “Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8, I want to write down your exact words,”

*I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food… I hate who I was four days ago.

*I intentionally keep a very high collision deductible on my car insurance… it helps me fight the urge to sideswipe those fools that don’t use a blinker.

*One of the real benefits of eating healthy… you never have to ask question like “who ate my kale?”

*If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator… why are the ceilings mirrored?

*Some married conversations can go right to hell:  “Hey, babe, guess what? He replies, “what?”….she states, “I’m not wearing any panties!”… and he responds, “oh, need me to do some laundry?”

*Always order two toppings on your pizza… so you can eat one as an appetizer on the drive home.

*To hunt Bugs Bunny is to embark on a fool’s errand.  He is too cunning and devious.  The most you can hope for is the barrel of your gun curved back at you with a bang flag mocking you… better to hunt that half-wit Daffy.

*At the peak of his popularity it took five hours, three stylists and 7 cans of aqua-net hair spray… to get Conway Twitty’s hair “just right”.

*Was with the granddaughter watching Finding Dory and her parents called her ‘cupcake”…….how do they even know what that is?

*I almost accused a ten-year old of stealing my dance moves… it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom.

*Often when I’m in a crowd and very nervous I like to picture everyone naked.  Then I picture them fully clothed with articles of my choosing… it’s a very complex yet fashionable coping mechanism.

*People tell me I’m a bad person but I think they’re just jealous… that they can’t kick a pigeon as far as I can.

*There’s very little as disheartening as when you finally get the opportunity to spend some time with your crush at a party… and then she blows you a kiss and all the chip crumbles hit your face.

*Sorry to burst your bubble… but your waiter didn’t really think your entree selection was “an excellent choice”.

*Judas asked, “You guys all coming to the last supper?”… rest of the apostles, “why’d you call it that?”

*So I said, “Honey, it’s time to talk to him about the roaches and the fleas.” and she said, “don’t you mean the birds and the bees?”… “Oh hell no!  Have you seen his room?”

 

 

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May 8th 2018
Fairfield Product, NYC Icon George Martin Comes to speak to Dixon Rotary

Posted under 2018 NEWS Stories IV & Feature Stories from the IV & That's Life Columns

Fairfield Product, NYC Icon George Martin

Comes to speak to Dixon Rotary 

Story and photos By Ted Hickman

 The question: How does a poor black boy from a share cropper family in the segregated south in the 1950’s end up and all-pro, super bowl champion for the New York Giants… and what does that have to do with Dixon/Solano County?

Well, George D. Martin’s, strange path that started in Greenville, South Carolina took a turn for the better when his father landed a civil service job at Travis AFB and they moved to Fairfield where George was raised and started on his path to stardom at Armijo High School playing Basketball and football and was a standout… so much so he earned a free ride, full scholarship to the University of Oregon playing both football and Basketball with the Ducks earning honors as a defensive end. He was such a standout that after graduating he was drafted by the New York Giants in the 11th round where he played for 14 seasons where he was team captain and became President of the NFL players association.

In 1986, he was part of the Giants Super Bowl winning team (see Super Bowl ring in photo) and was voted NFL “man of the year” in1987.   The 6’4” Giant, both figuratively and physically, became an icon in the New York area. To get to this point in his life he credited hard work, his tenacity and Christian faith as the reason for his successes.

Anyway, George, 67, was in Dixon last Wednesday as the guest speaker of longtime friend, Dixon’s Dr. James Sanderson, (see photo, Dr. Sanderson is the short one) a Fairfield native, childhood chum, and Armijo grad too. He met George in 1974 while attending Armijo when George, a college student at the time, would return to the school to give pep talks to the student body about staying in school and working hard to obtain their personal goals. They became friends and have been ever since. George was an outstanding college player a role model to many.

He came in from NYC and had to take a flight back as soon as the Rotary luncheon was concluded. He retired from football in 1988 and founded the Sudie Smith foundation (named for his late mother-in-law) to provide scholarships for Solano county high school students graduating and entering entering the health care field.

He spoke to the Dixon group about his book: “My Journey for 911… Just Around the bend”. The book details his 9&1/2 month journey going through 13 states in all kinds of weather, where he walked across America starting in NYC and ending in San Diego; from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean (“wearing out 47 pairs of sneakers)”. He raised awareness and over $4million to help address the plight of the first responders (the forgotten heroes) to the 911 terrorist attack of the Twin towers in NYC where he lost many friends and acquaintances. When the smoke cleared, so to speak, from the tragedy another tragedy loomed… The first responders and their physical and mental injuries to them as well as their families were forgotten. George, 67, has always been involved in community service one way or the other and is currently on the board of directors of three NYC hospitals. He saw a need that wasn’t being addressed or attended to and decided to start a campaign to raise funds to offset hospital and health care costs for the unnoticed victims or 911. So he sets off to walk across American to call attention to their plight and raise funds to help them out… Which he did and his trip is detailed in his book “Just Around the Bend” available on Amazon or you can get auto graphed copies here at Dr. Sanderson’s office at 1155 Reherman Dr. (Across from the Mormon Church) for $20… with 100 percent of all sales here, there and everywhere going to the foundation for health care in Solano County.

 

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April 27th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #725 (4-27-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.comFor 724 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

Bobcats And Bass

While fishing for crappies (pronounced croppies, don’t know why) last Friday at Clearlake and catching some, and some bass, we were privy to a lone bobcat prowling the early morning shoreline (see photo and look carefully). He was close; I took these photos with my cell phone. I’ve only seen like three or four in 50+ years of hunting and fishing in northern California. There were three of us in the boat, using the electric motor and talking but “Bob” only glanced at us and slowly and quietly went on his way. Beautiful creature…Oh yeah, we brought home like 40 slab sides (white and black both) like the one in the photo with Fred Vanderwold holding it. The big early spring bite at Clearlake may be over but there are still crappies biting all over the lake.

Rattlesnake season is upon us!

A hiker is in stable condition after being bit by a rattlesnake Sunday afternoon on Mount Tamalpais, according to the California Highway Patrol. The CHP’s H-30 helicopter responded to the scene around 2:15 p.m. The Marin County Fire Department also responded and found the hiker with multiple rattlesnake bites (I don’t understand that, how do you get bit “multiple” times? One bite would be enough for me.) The hiker was flown to John Muir Medical Center in Walnut Creek. The patient was in stable condition as of 5 p.m. Sunday, according to the CHP. So what? If you are new to the area or don’t get out into the wilds much you better be aware we have rattlesnakes…especially in all of the foothills and locations near them. Watch yourself, your kids and your pets along Putah Creek and other rural areas. Watch where you step, watch where you put your hands and watch out for those that that can’t or don’t watch for themselves. These snakes are NOT rare around any of the foothills, lakes or wilderness area of California. They don’t come looking for you and generally you have to be careless and threaten them to get bit… They can be avoided with common sense and do not need to be killed on site. They provide a useful part in nature controlling destructive pests.

 

Dixon Pot Shop to open May15

 

 Shucks, No free samples…I asked and was told it wasn’t legal. Then I asked about grand opening special like .01cent joints… and that went over like a broken bong… Ain’t gonna happen… just information and stuff for sale but a good time to get all of your questions answered and see if you can replace deadly prescription chemicals you may be taking with a natural alternative. I had been trying for several years to make medicinal marihuana available for people in the Dixon area who have the proper credentials and are suffering from diseases that require strong chemical drugs to help ease the pain and discomfort or help regain part of their lost appetite.  Due to an inordinate amount of people asking me about the opening of the medical/recreational marihuana business in Dixon I contacted Haley Andrew, Director of “Dixon Wellness”. (http://www.dixonwellnesscollective.com/ and she gave me the following information:

Dixon Wellness will be opening on Tuesday May 15th, 2018 at 12 o’clock in the afternoon.  We are located at 1150 N. 1st Street – Suite B, Dixon CA 95620.  We are right next to Comfy Furniture and Schroeder’s Laundry Mat.

 

Haley said, “We will be doing a soft opening for the first couple of weeks. We will be having our hours from 12-7 – 7 days a week.  Once we are busier we will be opening our hours to earlier in the day.”

 

She added, “We are going to be open for adult use as well as medicinal cannabis sales.  To become an adult use member of the collective you will need to be over the age of 21 with a valid form of government identification.   If you are signing up as a medicinal member you will need to provide your California identification proving that you are over the age of 18 and must have a valid doctor’s recommendation to use cannabis.”

 

She finished with, “We are working hard to be open on May 15th.  We hope that everyone can make it out. Please check out our website at www.DixonWellnessCollective.com for more information and updates on our construction.  You may also call the director at (707) 640-1147 for any questions that you may have.” ***

 

 

 

2018: the ant and the grasshopper… update

 

 

 

 

This one is a little different… Two Different Versions…Two Different Morals


OLD VERSION:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter…The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

 

 

MODERN VERSION:

 

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter… The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN,  and  ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering  grasshopper  next to a video of the ant  in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing “We shall Overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake.

Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Trump, President Bush, President Reagan, and Christopher Columbus for the grasshopper’s plight… Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview with Anderson Cooper that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer… The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s   food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again… The  grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now  abandoned, is taken over by a gang of  spiders who terrorize and ramshackle, the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood… The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.


 MORAL OF THE STORY:


 

Be careful how you vote in 2018 and 2020…I show this to you because I believe that you are an ant!… You may wish to pass this on to other ants, but don’t bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn’t understand it, anyway.

 

 

More things for thought!

***It seems more legal marijuana was sold last year then Pringles, Oreos, and Dasani combined.  This is odd…..’cuz what’s better after a joint than some Pringles, Oreos, or bottled water?

*I hate it when I see some old person…and then realize we went to high school together.

*If you think I have a big heart… you should see my butt.

*March 31 was your last chance to see a Blue Moon until the year 2020… Apparently they only come around every once in a blue moon.

*It is a scientific fact that the calories from a cheeseburger and fries will not go to your butt… if you wash them down with a diet coke.

*Eyelashes are supposed to keep crap from getting in your eye.  But when I get something in my eye it’s usually an eyelash… pretty eyeronic don’t you think?

*I’ve read that not having enough sex puts you at risk of anxiety, paranoia and depression… why no mention of carpal tunnel syndrome?

*The words election and erection are spelled very similarly and have the same meaning… a thing rising to power.

*Scientists at Britain’s Hull University caused a female fish to develop a testicle, fertilize her own eggs, and produce offspring in a process called “selfing”… it’s only a matter of time now, guys!

*Staying awake for 14 days straight can kill you… Hypnophobia is the fear of falling asleep but its duration seems to be self-limiting at two weeks.

*Very little is more entertaining than watching white people try to dance.

*A murderer and rapist won the Dating Game in 1978 but the Bachelorette refused the date because he was “too creepy”… she probably should of asked Bachelor #1 if Bachelor #2 looked like a rapist and murderer.

*My girlfriend sent me a Get Better Soon! Card… I’m not sick; I’m just a lousy lover.

*An 11-year old boy stole a cement truck and totaled two police cars before being caught… hands down he deserves the “best story at summer camp” merit badge this year.

*Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle… not between them.

*Catholics in Nicaragua observe Lent by giving up meat and instead substitute armadillo or iguana… next year I’m giving up travelling to Nicaragua for Lent.

*We were at the annual sexual harassment seminar and the boss said “we need more seats”.  I tapped my lap and said, “Here’s a place someone can sit.”… The boss said, sighing, “You’re the reason we have these damn things!”

*5% of people are addicted to exercise… the other 95% are addicted to donuts.

*Hippopotamus milk is pink… this is usually caused by the blood of the person attempting to milk a hippo. 

*Members of the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon rainforest are a very friendly people and greet each other by farting… they’re also the number one South American importer of Bush’s Baked Beans.

*Stormy Daniels says she was threatened with physical harm if she didn’t keep quiet… why?  I’d think she’d be speechless if she saw Donald Trump naked.  

*Thoreau said “every man is the builder of a temple called his body”… I’m building a waffle house.

*Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is, ladies.  It makes us feel manly, like we’re camping… with an angry bear lurking nearby.

*On my tombstone I want it written:  I now know if God exists… but I was forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

*Viagra makes flowers stand up straight and prolongs their shelf life up to a week… it also makes them want to be planted in inappropriately young planters.

*Spending a lot of time with someone causes you to pick up their habits… I need to go apologize to my wife who is lying on the couch in sweatpants, eating pizza and watching ESPN.

*Alligators have permanently erect penises… because without this feature alligators weren’t scary enough?

*Life, like peace of mind, can be made better through a knowledge of science… for instance, it is impossible to suffocate in a room full of your own gas.

*Teens who listen to positive music are more likely to be helpful and kind… although harder to find than Bigfoot.

*A man can reduce his chances of getting prostate cancer by having at least 4 orgasms per week… how can I start a GoFundMe account for this?

#

 

 

 

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April 21st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #724 (4-20-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Hero’s or Bums?

 

Their come on… Stop wondering when….Start doing now.   HERO financing makes energy-efficient home improvements a reality.
Start your “someday” project today…Live Comfortably Heating & Air Conditioning Windows & Doors Roofs & Insulation Create Energy Solar Panels Ducts & Ventilation Conserve Water*Artificial Turf Drought-Tolerant Landscaping Irrigation Systems High-Efficiency Fixtures

The Pace ProgramLast year the Dixon City Council had a quasigovernmental program (P.A.C.E.) presented to it by a person representing several companies under the government sponsored parent “Hero” program. . This is in cooperation with Solano County and is a country wide program. They explained there was a way for people, especially senior citizens to get needed home repairs from new roofs to windows to HVAC (heating/air-conditioning) done and not have to pay up front for it up front…but you can. Or you can pay it off anytime. They explained it could be added to your property taxes and amortized over like 30 years and paid bi-annually as part of your property taxes. Wow! Sounds great huh? So I thought before I recommended it to our citizens we would try it first. We had five new energy efficient “triple” pained windows installed which were to be “about $5,000-which came out to be about $6,000. All we had to do was sign an E-sig (electronic) contract from the comfort of our own home and it was a done deal… neat huh?

So we get the windows done, nice windows, great installers, and get a bill for about $6,000 and an order to sign the e-signature form to complete the deal and have our taxes go up about $200 each tax payment for the next 30 years…The bill stays with the house. So, before I signed I asked for a bill breaking down all of our costs, materials, labor, and “fees”. What I got was lame responses and a poor girl named Linda calling on a regular basis to get me to sign. She called again Wednesday and Again I told her I would sign immediately after I received the information I requested. She said she sent it to me (partial) and I again told her it was missing “what fees to whom” and the exact costs for the windows, installation and I have no proof of purchase or warranty paperwork. She gave up on me and said she would hand it over to their legal people…Oh, no, not the legal people… so I’m handing this over the city an county’s “legal people” and in the meantime warning everyone NOT to take advantage of this “great program.” Until they get their house in order and learn to pace themselves with proper billing, etc.…

I just got a call from another Hero rep who promised to get the whole thing straightened out… Just give me a complete frigging bill and proof of purchase (and “lifetime garuntee) will ya?…we’ll see. Continued until next week…

 

See “Schol” District Photo Below; S.O.S.Dolan out?

This picture was sent to me and requested I run it in this space. The sender said they had requested the school district at least correct the spelling of “School” On a school district Measure Q site page three weeks ago… and nothing was done. The question now is: So does the newspaper also own the school with the Dixon Unified “schol” district working on the Measure Q funding… The Publisher of the paper is “Dave Schol”… maybe just a coincidence; I think not? School district, fix your spelling error and get these people off my back pleze.

“Jr”…local “Lad” and family upset; I guess, WGAF?

Here I give a local lad (see head photo above) running for political office press and exposure you can’t buy, and all he and his people do is bitch. Well, this gift horse won’t make that mistake again. He, who shall remain nameless in this space, was apparently upset, as was his mommy, daddy, step daddy and members of his social club that I somehow demeaned him by calling him a “lad” or referring to him as Jr, oh no, heaven help us what slander…which seems to be his nomenclature throughout the area now and much nicer than other things he’s being called.). The “junior” nickname is a correct title for him. I am the senior member of the city council and he is the junior member. I’m sorry he doesn’t like it but facts are facts. I have had people tell me I should tell him to take some of his huge political war chest and buy a new Carhart/hoody jacket, (at a discount) from where he works (Tractor Supply). He seems to think his trademark dirty brownish jacket will fool people into thinking he is actually involved in agriculture instead of just helping out on daddy’s farm.

Either way after two disputed years on the Dixon City Council, and never getting anything accomplished for his “district,” he and his brain trust figured… “We wormed into this position why not go for the big six figure prize and get elected county supervisor… and with his stellar record of 0 for 0, why not?  He once publically accused the council of not liking him because he was “part Asian” and I set him straight during the meeting saying something like, “that’s not true,  your heritage has nothing to do with it, we don’t like you because you’re a jerk (not the exact word I used but you get the idea…)

Trying to show his “independence he votes “no” on matters that don’t matter plus he voted “No” on two of the best hires this city had ever made… A false sense of superiority and inexperience running wild! Yep. He be ready for the big time… seriously, he could be just what this election needed for an outright primary victory for the incumbent, and current Chairman of the Solano County Board of supervisors, John Vasquez (see photo above) . To get 51% during a primary election is tough especially with four candidates splitting the vote…but we’ll see won’t we.

 

Great mental exercise

…Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. Spiro Agnew
    3. Benito Mussolini
    4. Adolf Hitler
    5. Jorge Bergoglio
    6. Alfonse Capone
    7. Vladimir Putin
    8. Linda Lovelace
    9. Saddam Hussein
    10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope... Lovely, just lovely … Sometimes I really worry about you!

 

More Things for Thought!

 

HR called my son in and told him he had a bad attitude…….then they transferred him over to IT and gave him a raise.

According to my therapist having acute personality disorder……..does NOT mean I have a cute personality.

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself a bit strange…….and it’s probably this couple sitting next to me.

Unfaithful men have lower IQ’s according to studies………probably because they have less blood in their heads.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms stuck in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Does “sick of everyone’s shit” count as a mental disorder?

A co-worker asked if my beard kept me warm.  I responded with “does your mustache keep you warm?”…….and then, “where are you going?  Why are you crying, Brenda?”

I don’t need to drink to have a hangover anymore……..I just need to stay up past my usual bedtime.

The neighbor asked if she could hide the cake for her husband’s surprise party at our house……..I told her sure, if you want to be surprised when you come to pick it up.

I try to avoid things that can trigger depression…….like full-length mirrors.

I’m really glad the dog can’t talk…….because “who has a fuzzy butt” is more of a rhetorical question and doesn’t need an answer.

You know how every family has that one relative that everyone tries to avoid at holiday gatherings? I have like seventeen of them.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught us anything it’s that people with life threatening illnesses………apparently love to hike and other outdoor recreation.

I was introduced today to a fellow named Sean Bean.  Really?  It’s either “Shaun Baun” or “Seen Been”……..’cuz you just can’t have it both ways!

As you age internal pressure must be applied with great care………catching a cold increases the risk of loudly breaking wind when attempting to blow one’s nose.

When the instructions say “so simple even a child can do it”……….I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year olds with a double major at MIT.

My favorite way to eat eggs is in a brownie mix.

Burger Kings slogan “Have It Your Way” was actually shortened from the original…….”Are You Sure You Really Want to eat this? OK! Have It Your Way.”

I think the worst injury I ever sustained was the time when I got old……that shit still hurts.

Thanks to Hostess, “will you hold my Ding Dong while I tinkle?”………is something my son was overheard asking a friend at his first-grade picnic.

Turns out that saying “always remember, you’re not alone” is not particularly comforting advice……when said to someone who suffers from paranoia.

We buy and then hoard lots of Cadbury eggs and Peeps at this time of year ……that way we can say we’re having eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner and not be lying.

Forget going to the gym, dying my hair or any type of plastic surgery…….I plan on aging disgracefully.

Occasionally hungry hippos in the wild will eat meat…….if there is a scarcity of grass, fruit, other vegetation or marbles that make up their regular diet.

Why is it acceptable to stare at any species thru binoculars…….except our own?

On this day in history in 1733 Joseph Priestly, a theologian and amateur chemist, invented carbonated water……which he then used in his weekend gig as Seltzo the Clown.

Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that necessitated the removal of his entire ass………he is now a bottomless Pitt.

If I were a more paranoid person I’d only go to Winchell’s for coffee……..at Starbucks they ask your name.

When he asked “was it good for you?”………she responded, “I could have done without the ‘Ta-Da”!

One of the hardest parts of marriage is having the ability to resist temptation………women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I don’t claim to have any idea of what happens in the dishwasher………but I would sort of assume it’s like the first 15 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan”!

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