February 23rd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #716 (2-23-18)*

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Murdering or bastardizing the national anthem should be in the same category as disrespecting the flag and should be a federal offense and the person should be either be neutralized or euthanized… Or stoned to death like they do in the beloved Muslim nations. Sorry: but I got up on the right winged side of the bed today.


John Wayne Was Right!


Let’s go with the premise that the “Duke” was right, you really “can’t cure stupid”. And update it to Wednesday when we were in Safeway  about 1:30 p.m. when two bigger “tween” boys came riding up and down the aisles on their bikes paying no attention two at least three senior citizen ladies trying to shop. I said to them, “What the heck are you thinking riding your bikes in here?” To which they replied, with the best grammar the Dixon School District can supply I guess; “huh?”

I said, “Let me make it simple for you: You run into or scare one of these senior citizens and I promise a quick visit and talk to a Dixon Police officer. They took off pedaling towards the front of the store. Their parents must be sooo proud.

Which brings me to today’s lecture. All potential teen protesters: Get off your cell phones, get your heads out of the sand (or wherever) and recognize your generation’s real problem is you, not an inanimate object. (Their parents want them to blame an inanimate object for all of the ills of society and for all of the school shootings. They don’t want to admit the problem is not the gun, but someone’s child; the shooters.)

When we first came to Dixon and then decades later while our kids were in school, almost every truck had a gun rack….  When we first moved to Dixon in the 60’s I had never hunted or fished much coming from Ohio. We were surprised to see that almost every pickup had a gun rack and around the openings of dove, pheasant and duck season. Many had guns in them parked in the high school parking lot. Everyone knew not to have them loaded and it was just an accepted thing. With guns common place (and kids were taught right from wrong and there were consequences for their actions) and how to use them and what to use them for, there were NO school shootings. The worst we had at the end of the school year was scores being settled by kids beating the crap out of each other; to a point, and then was broken up by bystanders and then everybody went about their business…  And that was the end of it.

What’s changed? Cell phones 24-7, music dominated by sex and violence, and video games that children play before they learn to read, (that involve killing/blowing up something), cartoon charterers, space invaders, monsters,  people, movies converted to killing games; shooting something, anything thing, shoot, destroy, kill with pistols, machine guns, assault rifles, in  war gamers, gang games, lifelike real like war combat games with digital surreal human looking figures to murder to score points…all day and all night. Do you know what games your kids are playing on their IPad, computers and cell phones… bet you don’t?

If high school kids across the country want to protest something, instead of protesting an inanimate object, what about protesting the fact they all need to put their phones down and treat people better. Please don’t breed more psychotic killers that hate people so bad they want to come in to schools and kill kids/people. It’s a person to person problem not just a people problem … not a gun problem, and the sooner the kids realize this and put their phones down and start talking and treating each other with respect and actual caring,  the better things can become. It’s not the gun; the gun is not killing anybody it’s the nuts were producing out of our school system that are pulling the trigger and killing people …and the media eats this up and helps promote more of the same…shame on them.

The following below is from social media and I don’t know where that teacher is from: This is just another viewpoint.

Sad Day … It’s come to this…

Very sad day today. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.

Even worse is the fact that he’s still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life.  Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great person and a brilliant veterinarian.


Still, More Things For Thought

My wife’s personal trainer at the gym told her it was time to start working on her upper body strength…..she responded by telling him to “just open the damn pickles and shut the hell up!”

“I will look for you.  I will find you.  And I will kill you.”…….Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book.

My son, sort of an improvisational artist, tells my granddaughter a much more realistic version of Sleeping Beauty……where the prince awakens her with his loud, insufferable snoring.

When you’re married every kiss begins with……”have you brushed your teeth yet?”

People ask why we have several kids, but it’s really quite simple……statistically speaking you’re bound to like at least one of them.

I just want someone to look at me the same way I look at bubble wrap.

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these mini beer fridges are the exact same size as nightstands”……..I said to the wife when we were shopping for bedroom furniture.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I’m beginning to think that the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents take a nap is a scam……..just something my parents made up.

Why are they called ‘step-fathers’ rather than ‘faux pas’?

I usually just do what I want……..but occasionally the court system has an opinion.

On February 1, 1975, the United States government accidentally declares “Black History Month”…..they tried again the next year.

If a lovely young lady tells you she has a nipple ring…….the only appropriate response is “I don’t believe you.”

18-22 is a confusing age……..I had friends who were getting married and having kids, friends who were in jail, and friends who were still asking their parents to be out after curfew.

The tooth fairy was arrested for incisor trading!

Apparently some customs agencies are saying they will not allow the shipment of anything called a ‘flamethrower’…..therefore we are renaming it ‘not a flamethrower’.

I firmly believe in workplace drug testing which is why I slipped both Ambien and Ex-Lax into the boss’ coffee…….let’s see which one works faster.

Got up this morning, went out into the yard and saw my shadow……..guess I have six more weeks of dieting.

There was a screaming kid on my flight so I asked to be moved to a different area of the plane…….they wouldn’t do it ‘cuz it was my kid.

My goldfish died…….the good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

People need to learn to ask more specific questions.  It’s not “how do I look?”………rather, it’s “do I look good enough that people are surprised I married you?”

There’s just no way in hell anyone who’s ever been around a child with a drum kit……..would’ve written Little Drummer Boy.

A ‘polecat’ is actually not a cat but rather it is a nocturnal European weasel. But the shortened version ‘noeuwea’ was a terrible name……so is Lloyd.

It was awkward to see the ‘World’s Greatest Driver’ bumper sticker on my car… when it got pulled out of the lake today.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish… so when I finish my Guinness I’m going to beat the hell out of you!

This morning’s workshop on “effective communication” was held in conf room 3B, not 4B as was noted in the confirmation notice.  It will be rescheduled at a later date……..Human Resources

Tide pods too bland?  Need a little seasoning? Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

“I thot it would be funny to E-mail people and have them wish my wife a ‘Happy 50th’ even though she’s only 46.”………I explain to the plastic surgeon.

Little known fact:  on Groundhog Day, 1941, groundhog Punxsutawney Phil predicted the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

People at the gym in January who dress like they are obsessed with working out will be gone soon…….probably by the end of this sentence.

I’ve found I can turn anything into a boomerang…….assuming I only throw it straight up.


From the Email box

I was at the city council meeting on Tuesday supporting Dixon Little League when I heard your questions about what is the typical fine for traffic violations. I work at Yolo County Courthouse, so I wanted to pass this information to you.

Each county courthouse has a traffic infraction penalty schedule or bail schedule. I have attached the Solano county one which is available on the Courts website. You look up the traffic violation code and it will give you the fine. For example VC 22450 (failure to stop at a stop sign) is $229 for the first violation


VC 21453 Failure to stop at a red light is $469

 VC 27315(d) Failure to wear a seat belt is $157

 VC 27360 (a) and 27360.5 (a) child not in child restraint system as required is $469

Hope this helps answer part of your question. Obviously it does not answer the question of what is the most popular ticket given in the City of Dixon


TRAFFIC INFRACTION FIXED PENALTY SCHEDULE (*See Preface … www.solano.courts.ca.govTRAFFIC INFRACTION FIXED PENALTY SCHEDULE (*See Preface, Section III) (**See Preface, Section IV) (Vehicle Code) Offense Base Fine/ Fee State PA* County


 Caretha Lau

 Thank you, Caretha


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February 15th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #715 (2-16-18)*

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Olympics are on NOW, don’t miss!


Dixon’s Mayor Returns from “Jonestown”

Dixon’s Mayor, Thom Bogue, ( TOP) seen to the left in the photo being interview by Seven Network Australian television for a documentary on the upcoming 40th anniversary of the “Jonestown massacre” at the People’s Temple in Gyana.  Bogue, his sister and his parents were some of the few survivors while about 1,000 people died when they were either murdered or forced to drink poison Kool-Aid. Bogue and his sister were shot just after seeing a United States congressman killed, and many others murdered but luckily escaped into the jungle where they hid for three days wounded, bleeding and terrified. To see more on this incredible part of American and world history Goggle or search “Thom Bogue” The TV station flew Bogue and his son to the scene of the carnage last week to film his return to the site of the disaster. He’s back home now and presided over the city council meeting on Tuesday. The other photo shows the really basic stone memorial in place to remember the site and its victims.


School Shooting in Florida

Florida shooting: ’17 dead’ at high school, suspect in custody

  • 17 people dead, local sheriff confirms
  • Suspect identified as Nicolas Cruz
  • Suspect in custody following shooting at Florida high school
  • Gunman reportedly wore gas mask and set off the fire alarm
  • Shooting is 18th in a US school this year so far

            Just as the shock from the tragedy is starting to subside, fingers of course are being pointed. The first thing I was asked by people, believe it or not, was “should, God forbid, something like this happen in Dixon how will the school board answer the parents and public outcry about them not wanting to pay for a school resource officer to protect our children. If anyone from the elected board has an answer for this we will be glad to print it. The school board has traditionally has been reactive and not pro-active. By the time you have trouble and call for help all the police can do is arrive AFTERWARDS AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED AND WHY. This community wants and needs an armed, specially trained, “resource” officer on site to mitigate and prevent problems and stop any serious threats while help is on the way.

The city has offered to hire and train this speciality type police officer for the district but the district, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to pay for this protection… “Can’t happen here? That’s what the people in Florida though just a couple of days ago…. Am I concerned about everyone’s children? You bet, and … We have four grandchildren scattered throughout the district.




Those who hate him will always hate him, no matter what.  In his stead, I certainly couldn’t imagine Hillary (or Bill, for that matter) or Obama making anything even close to this gesture.  If you cannot understand the meaning of this I feel sorry for you. Please try to understand the weight of this image. This soldier lost both arms.  The feeling of a handshake is now lost to him.

Trump realized this, and so touched his face, so he can feel the human connection. This is what I see when I think of Trump’s motives.  He gave up a billionaire lifestyle to now be insulted, dragged through the mud, and lied about, on a daily basis by America’s free and “objective press”… All to save this country and people he loves.

 1st Annual Bob Dohr Memorial

sporting Clays  shoot a big success


Last Sunday the Dixon Game Club hosted the first annual introduction to the shooting sports activity at Birds Landing in nearby Collinsville where over 100 adults and boys and girls safely took part in the shooting of clay targets zipping through the air. This is an offshoot of the olympic trap and skeet shotgun shooting competitions. The day was held in memorial of Bob Dorh, a long time club members and well known outdoor cook and for his famous traveling bar-b-q. He helped in the community where help was needed and was an avid hunter and outdoorsman.

In addition to each person shooting 50 rounds each throughout the day there were drawings, a free lunch and sports drinks for all involved. In three different drawings three local youngsters were surprised and delighted to find they had won the premium prizes.

Pictured below are, left to right: Drake Hickman,12 won a .243 rifle and scope, Edan Croley 14, and Seth Taylor,13, both won premium shotguns which, of course, were registered to their parents who will take possession and securely store the firearms for them as required by law.

Two of the oldest shooters are shown below and my first wife,  Linda, surprised herself and everyone else by breaking more than a dozen of the fast flying clay targets. See the windmills in the background?


Thanks mike!

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them. (perfect)

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it!

If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.


Sad Day …

Very sad day today. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.

Even worse is the fact that he’s still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show how one little mistake can ruin your life.

Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great person and a brilliant veterinarian.

 True Story

A well-preserved 71 year old Dixon man is having a drink in a Dawson’s bar.  Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.
After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.  Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game.  I want $100, with only one condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do, in just three words.”The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her squarely in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”


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January 26th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #713 (1-26-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Interesting observation

Enigmas From The Email box… Ted:

(1) Isn’t it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many people, but our benefits don’t?(2) How can the federal government ask U.S. citizens to pay back student loans, when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?

(3) Only in America are legal citizens labeled “racists” and “Nazis,” but illegal aliens are called “Dreamers”.

(4) Liberals say, “If confiscating all guns saves just one life, it’s worth it.  “Well then, if deporting all illegals saves just one life, wouldn’t that be worth it?

(5) I can’t quite figure out how you can proudly wave the flag of another country, but consider it punishment to be sent back there.

(6) The Constitution: It doesn’t need to be rewritten, it needs to be reread.

(7) William F. Buckley said: “Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other points of view, and are then shocked and offended when they discover there are other points of view.”

(8) Joseph Sobran said: “‘Need’ now means wanting someone else’s money.’Greed’ means wanting to keep your own.’Compassion’ is when a politician arranges the transfer.”

(9) Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but some people still insist the last one was due to climate change.  J.S. Dixon


With The Olympics close at hand just thought you should know the following.


1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

 And… THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.


 2018 Winter Games Venues

Beautiful PyeongChang, South Korea rests in the Taebaek Mountains in the eastern part of the country. Just over an hour from Seoul via high-speed train, PyeongChang is known for its natural beauty and is a popular destination for hikers, skiers, snowboarders, and other winter sports enthusiasts. These games will see 15 sport disciplines taking place in a total of 13 event venues, which are divided into two clusters.

BTW: I decided to apply for Luge coach. “Keep your head down and go fast…” Or ski jumping, “Go far and look good doing it”…speed skating, “Go faster than everyone else”… or ice shuffleboard, “make yours score, knock theirs out” or last but not least Ice Hockey, “Beat the crap out of the Russians and win the gold”… See coaching at this level isn’t really hard….  Biathlon… “Shoot straight and ski fast” And … and as head Ice Skating judge assigner… I’d take a pool of like 36 international judges ( or bring in all amateurs from like, the hot countries, that don’t necessarily know each other, put their names in a hat and draw however many needed for each venue… to take out favoritisms and pre conceived notions and get some objective judging for a change… I’d add… “Stay away from the doctors if you’re a woman or cute male ice skater… If you need help over there get acupuncture… BTW: I’ll be covering the games for the paper from the warmth of my living room!


Trey Gowdy, (SC Congressman) said this about the

military in response to the ban of transgenders. He nailed it…

Nobody has a “right” to serve in the Military. Nobody. What makes people think the Military is an equal opportunity employer? Very far from it.

The Military uses prejudice regularly and consistently to deny citizens from joining for being too old or too young, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. Citizens are denied for having flat feet, or for missing or additional fingers. Poor eyesight will disqualify you, as well as bad teeth. Malnourished? Drug addiction? Bad back? Criminal history? Low IQ? Anxiety? Phobias? Hearing damage? Six arms? Hear voices in your head? Self-identify as a Unicorn? Need a special access ramp for your wheelchair? Can’t run the required course in the required time? Can’t do the required number of push ups? Not really a “morning person” and refuse to get out of bed before noon? All can be reasons for denial.

The Military has one job. War. Anything else is a distraction and a liability. Did someone just scream “That isn’t Fair”? War is VERY unfair, there are no exceptions made for being special or challenged or socially wonderful. YOU change yourself to meet Military standards… Not the other way around. I say again: You don’t change the Military… you must change yourself. The Military doesn’t need to accommodate anyone with special issues. The Military needs to Win Wars.

If any of your personal issues are a liability that detracts from readiness or lethality… Thank you for applying and good luck in future endeavors. Who’s next in line?

More Things For Thought


*Who is the fool that called it a straitjacket……..rather than a ‘full mental jacket’?

*I’m at that stage in my life when a life-alert bracelet seems like it would be a bit more practical… than a fit-bit.

*I hate waking up in the morning with a renewed sense of optimism…..only to find myself on a park bench somewhere, covered in newspapers, missing a kidney.

*If a pig loses a leg… would that be a ‘hamputation’?

*Go ahead, bring my wife twizzlers when her favorite candy is red vines… but be prepared to hear a very loud, detailed explanation of the difference and a very blunt assessment of your intelligence.

*I call my fashion style … “Clothes that still fit”!

*Imagine a baby named Edith… right, you can’t.  Because everyone you’ve ever known named Edith was 78 years old, in a rocker, knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

*Happy New Year’s!  Just got back from the liquor store… the lines weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they’d be when I got there yesterday.

*A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon… the suspects are still at venti.

*They just built a new MacDonald’s in town with two drive-thru lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge … all so I can be driven into a blind rage before getting my fries.

*You’ve never truly failed in attempting to be sexy… until you’ve gotten your skivvies caught in a ceiling fan.

*Dogs enjoy the experience of solving a problem in order to gain a reward… that’s how we discovered and learned about black holes.

*There once was a POTUS on twitter, who grew increasingly bitter, he couldn’t surmount the strict character count… so his tweets got even shi**er. 

*Human teeth are almost as hard as a rock… almost, which is information I could have used yesterday.

*I’m starting a sarcasm club… it would just mean the world to me if you would join!

*On October 5, 1947, President Harry S. Truman made the first ever televised address from the white house… where he asked the American people to “do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!”

*Mediocrates was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology… but neither was he the worst.

*Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies… I, for one, have always been upset by the lack of cupholders.

*Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.

*I have a friend who told me she doesn’t believe in children…….so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or is it just me?

*You never realize how many people are out jogging early in the morning… until you back out of your driveway with your windows still covered in frost.

*Judas:  “You guys coming to the last supper?”… everyone else:  “why’d you call it that?”

*My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly different ideas… on the type and number of “cheat days” I’m allowed each month.

*A pterodactyl awakened his wife late one night when relieving himself… she remarked, “hey!  I thought your pee was supposed to be silent?”

*The cleanest bathroom at the mall is in Lens Crafters… but you may have to buy a pair of glasses.

*The oldest structures in San Francisco are found in the Jackson square area and are a testament to the advantages of building with brick… alleviating the large wolf problem inherent in wood and straw construction.

*My nephew asked “what’s the secret to a long life?”… I replied, “Never order vegetarian in Texas.”

*According to WebMD if the Grinch’s heart had grown 3 sizes in one day that would have been diagnosed as ‘cardiomegaly’… and he’d be quite fortunate to be alive.

*She asked if I had lost my mind… it’s nice to know there’s at least a little doubt.

*Someone once asked me if I knew the most popular method of committing suicide in Albania…..of course, kidnapping one of the female members of Liam Nisson’s family.


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January 24th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #712 (1-19-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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What if you woke up tomorrow with only what you thanked God for today?


What Other Surprises Await…?

I/we decided to make 2018 the year of “getting rid of crap” and we’ve found some surprising things. I even found my draft card from when I was in high school.  All of those who know what this is need to explain it to those who don’t.

It’s too complicated to explain Viet Nam, the Bay of Pigs, “Commies” and why the U.S. “drafted” hundreds of thousands of young men to fight the “communist threat.” More than half my class mates who got a free trip overseas never came back, and many that did, didn’t come back whole in either body or spirit.  Many came home in body bags and coffins

Also explain, if you can, “drop and cover” and by doing so, how that and our desks were going to protect us from the “atom bomb”.

Some of us “joined” a branch of the service, to “fight for our country,” some went to Canada, some dodged the draft and went to jail, and some got “college deferments” and slid by.. All of that aside, the top photo shows me as I am now and the bottom on from when I enlisted in the Navy.  Personally I don’t see much difference.



Me Write an Advice Column?


 Since so many people ask me so many questions I’ve been thinking about writing and advice column like my Buddy, Fred V. does… But now after his latest effort I now know there’s a reason men shouldn’t write advice columns…

Dear Fred V…

I hope you can help me.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at the house watching T.V.  First my car stalled, and then it broke down completely about a mile from the house.  I decided to walk back home and get my husband’s help.  When I arrived back at my home I couldn’t believe my eyes!  He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32 years old, my husband is 34.  The neighbor’s little slut of a daughter is 19.  My husband and I have been married for 10 years, happily I thot.  When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they have been carrying on an affair for the past six months.  He refuses to go to counseling.  Obviously, I am horribly hurt by this and an emotional wreck.  I need advice urgently.  Can you help me?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila…

I am glad you have written and am sure I can help.  A car stalling in that fashion after having been driven such a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Initially I would recommend that you do a physical inspection of the fuel line to determine if there may be a bit of debris clogging up the fuel line.  If it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses to the intake manifold as this could be responsible for additional fuel supply interruptions.  Also check all grounding wires.  If none of these approaches remedies the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.  This would cause low fuel delivery pressure to the injectors.  I hope this helps.

Fred V.


More Things for Thought


*Shouting “shotgun” will usually get you the front seat in the car… or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

*I’m going commando for New Year’s Day.  She’s going to be so surprised……..when I parachute into her yard and blow up her car!

*”Cocktail shrimp”… these are just regular shrimp but in a simple little black dress.

*I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called my name… it was time for my follow-up appointment.

*My pony was a deep, deep shade of black and we called him “midnight”… my brother’s wasn’t quite as dark so we called him “eleven-thirty”.

*If a hurricane ever hits Dallas… I hope it’s named Debbie.

*Diet’s going well… I can fit into the jeans I haven’t been able to wear for 4 days.

*Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

*I remember the romantic dinner date we were on when she quietly reached over and took some of my fries and smiled at me… and I put the engagement ring back in my pocket.

*Why do bad things happen to good people you ask… to balance out the good things that happen to bad people!

*We read continually how a pig’s orgasm lasts thirty minutes… after much thought I concluded mine probably would as well if I was in a sexual relationship with someone made out of bacon.

*I hollered, “I’ll drink to that!”… but the person who invited me to church said, “Usually we just say ‘amen’.”

*Mike can still remember the moment in his life when he went from hopeful and optimistic to dour and jaded… He was 8.

*People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 3-5 years longer… because of all the time they save.

*Guys need to remember that ‘fine’ does not mean ‘fine’… the scale goes “great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, fine”.

*I just spent 40 minutes at the feed store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for the dog… then took the grandkids to MacDonald’s.

*I love the way the sweetness of the pumpkin pie pairs so well… with the tartness of my fifth Budweiser.

*Someone once commented to the wife “you have a cigarette vending machine in your kitchen?”… she replied, “Well, it would look ridiculous in the living room!”

*My morning exercise routine includes what I call “snooze presses”… I try to get in at least 5 reps.

*I miss being a baby and having ‘milestone events’… no one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

*Without a doubt my favorite Robin Williams movie……..is Mrs. Fire.

*I remember when the kids were young and they asked if they could help decorate the tree… “of course, first we string the lights then we show mommy and she tells us what we did wrong”

*I just googled “living with cataracts”… before realizing it was just a big fingerprint smudge on my glasses.

*The guy who owns the movie theater here in town died…….his funeral will be Friday at 12:10, 2:40, and 6:20.

*I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public… and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from spice world.

*Not to be boastful, but I have one of those metabolisms where I can eat anything I want… and still get fat.

*I don’t need hemmorrhoidal cream or bunion gel… but I add them to the wife’s shopping list as payback for all the times I had to buy her tampons.

*Russia has been banned from the 2018 Olympics… but they’re still eligible to participate in the 2018 elections.

*Someone left chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream unattended in my freezer…….so I did the right thing and tended to it.

*Before posting these nonsensical thoughts I always ask myself:  does it bring me joy and make me laugh?  Will it bring others joy and laughter…but I never wait for the answer.

Albert Einstein & Billy Graham

(Billy   Graham was 99 in Nov)

Billy Graham is now 96 years-old with Parkinson’s disease. In January 2000 leaders in Charlotte, North Carolina invited their favorite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honor. Billy initially hesitated

To accept the invitation because he struggles with Parkinson’s disease but The Charlotte leaders said, ‘We don’t expect a major address. Just come and Let us honor you.’ So he agreed.

After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped to the Rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said, “I’m reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored by Time Magazine as the Man of the Century. Dr. Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the Tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in His vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there.  He looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it.

Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it. “The Conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it. ‘”Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As

He was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great Physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. “The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t Worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don’t need a ticket.  I’m sure you bought one.’ Einstein looked at him and said, “Young man, I too, know who I am.  What I don’t know is where I’m going.”

Having said that Billy Graham continued, “See the suit I’m wearing?  It’s a brand new suit. My children and my grandchildren are telling me I’ve gotten a little slovenly in my old age. I used to be a bit more fastidious. So I Went out and bought a new suit for this luncheon and one more occasion. You know what that occasion is? This is the suit in which I’ll be buried. But when you hear I’m dead, I don’t want you to immediately remember the suit I’m wearing. I want you to remember this: I not only know who I am. I also know where I’m going.” May your troubles be less, your blessings more, and May nothing but happiness, come through your door. Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil – it has no point.” Amen and peace, my friends.  And May each of us has lived our lives so that when our ticket is punched we don’t have to worry about where we are going. Even at his age and with Parkinson’s disease, he could still deliver a powerful sermon.





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January 12th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #711 (1-5-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 710 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features,  photos go to tedhickman.com



“Some days are diamonds and some days are stones,” But all days are gold when you see the number of our valued community members passing away.


Nice Gesture by the Dixon police Chief and Fire Chief… 

 … Or, how city leadership goes above and beyond the call of duty…..  Have you ever  heard of a police chief ( like our Robert Thompson(second from left) and his top ranking officer, Lt. Tom Cordova) giving up their Christmas Day with their families to work two shifts; both the patrol officer’s am and pm shifts, and let their younger officers from both shifts stay home with their families. And the fire Chief, Jay Bushrow (far left) stayed on shift Christmas Day as duty officer to allow his men time with their families…Pretty cool huh? All three men have families of their own…Only in Dixon! Nice going guys!


True Story; It’s Real!

           There was a wise crack on social media that I should be called “the Mayor of Vice” for supporting, for years, making medical marijuana available in Dixon for those truly in need…and now, I guess, for supporting Dixon having its own medical and recreational marijuana facilities that are coming.

Hey, the times just caught up with me and my thinking and the voters of California, and Dixon, approved these things…we, the city, just now have to figure out how to incorporate them into our pretty much “anti-marijuana” local society. They called me “Hickman, Dixon’s Mayor of Vice” and it somehow took hold I guess and the city is changing my city council name tag from councilman to “Vice Mayor” Can you believe that? How did they get to the inner working of city hall and arrange for that to happen?  I’m not kidding. Just watch at the next meeting and notice everyone calling me “Vice Mayor,” and you’ll probably see that my name tag has been changed to that too…What a nickname huh? Could be worse I guess. Huuum… wonder what kind of vice I’ll be overseeing and are there any legal perks?


Sessions is Nuts? No, You can thank:

Brown, Steinberg, Ed Lee?

WASHINGTON, DC — Just days after marijuana stores opened in California, U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, rescinded an Obama-era policy that said the federal government would not intervene with states that choose to legalize pot. Sessions will instead allow federal prosecutors in states where pot was legalized choose how aggressively they want to enforce federal marijuana law.

The reversal is bound to cause mass confusion over whether it’s OK to grow, buy or use marijuana in pot-friendly states. Federal law still outlaws marijuana, which Sessions has compared to heroin and faulted for surging violence.

Who do we have to thank for this? I would start with California’s sanctuary state and cities declarations and thank the likes of Jerry Brown, Ed Lee and Darrell Steinberg, and Ca’s appointed Attorney General, Javier Becerra, for thumbing their noses at the POTUS and his merry men. Nice going; what did you expect, you idiots, a thank you dinner and an award?  (All except Ed, who’s dead)?

More Things For Thought!


*The sound of thunder is produced by rapidly heated air surrounding lightening which expands faster than the speed of sound… which scares Thor and causes him to drop his bowling ball.

*I am in a constant battle of wanting a hot body… and wanting a hot fudge sundae.

  • TRUE DAT: Thanks to motion-activated time lapse photography we now know that worker ants nod to one another as they pass while they work…they also go “sup!”

*There’s a whole bunch of relatives that show up only on Christmas for dinner, and unfortunately they don’t just eat and run…they eat way too much to run.

*The Japanese word “karaoke” is derived from the phrase meaning “ow, ow, my ears!”

*I was totally fed up with things at work and considering quitting… then they upgraded to two-ply toilet tissue in the office restroom.  I’m good now.

*It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this half-gallon of ice cream… but the important thing is I tried!

*Were you aware that a penguins head can rotate 360 degrees… once?

*Owning a cat, can, in fact, reduce the risk of having a heart attack… it can also, however, increase the risk of finding cat crap in your bed.

*I just hate it when I inadvertently tie a double reverse hitch knot when I’m tying my shoe… then I have to go pay an eagle scout to help me get my sneaker off.

*Abraham Lincoln never slept in the ‘Lincoln bedroom’… but he was quite partial to using the ‘James Monroe chamber pot’.

*A little girl prayed “Lord, may I have a pony?”… and the lord answered, “sure, just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue of how to take care of it.”

*About 1,300 planets the size of earth would fit inside Jupiter… that’s about 23,168,742 Starbucks.

*The wife doesn’t require much to be happy… several small gourmet quality meals a day, 10 hours of sleep, complete solitude and zero social obligations.

*What manner of evil contract must I enter into with the devil… just son’s I can get eye drops into my eye?

*The wife came home upset ‘cuz the saleslady told her she’d be more comfortable in a 36b cup-size bra… she was in a Best Buy looking for a small printer.*”I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name… earlier when we were introduced I was too busy concentrating on shaking hands, making the right eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.”

*The thermometer was invented by Galileo… who had, apparently, run out of things to stick up his keister.

*One out of every four books sold in the United States is a mystery or suspense novel… the remaining three are how to build a deck.

*Rudolph with your nose so bright… is you sloshed again tonight?

*Priest at the baptism, “I shall now sprinkle the child with holy water”… me, explaining to a friend, “He learned that from joey chestnut.  It makes them go down the throat easier”.

*A cat cannot see the area directly under its nose… which explains why they always have such a lousy mustache.

*In British hospitals a code blue indicates cardiac failure while a code white is for respiratory failure… a code plaid indicates a Scottish individual lurking in the area.

*At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent, rather than picking them up over the years, are going to present a major problem.

*I stopped having panic attacks… I simply embraced the idea of remaining panicked all the time.

*Last year I forgot to change the pumpkin spice air freshener plug-ins over to shimmering spruce… it almost ruined the holidays for everyone.

*Having no tattoo’s in 2018 is like having tattoo’s in 1967.

 *My breathing became ragged and my pulse began to race.  I’d never felt quite so alive… so I held up the 11th nugget from a 10-nugget box for all to see!

*I sometimes wonder if camels are self-conscious about their feet.

*The most unrealistic thing about all these home improvement programs… no one ever says “righty-tighty, lefty- loosey!”

*It can take up to 5 years for a bald eagle’s white head feathers to fully develop… until they do they prefer to wear baseball caps they get from seed companies or steal from truckers.

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly Native American criminal class except congress.” – mark twain


A Few Local Outdoor things

Adam Benoit‎ 


How ‘bout a 44.10 pounder.


Now how about a roughly 500 pound black bear photographed with a trail camera not five minutes down the highway west, from the Davis Street Turnoff in Vacaville. This big, big bear can lie atop the ridge it calls home and look down on the City Of Vacaville. This is one of at least four that have been caught on camera plus quite a few mountain lions and many, many wild pigs. Next time you’re going down I.S.80 west from Cowtown look up to the right and the highest little peaks you can see are home to all of these wild and free roaming creatures… isn’t that great!


Next we have the rare occasion where three pheasants were taken in one afternoon recently in rural Dixon (yes there is a pheasant archery season) with bows and arrows. That’s me and our beautiful Brittany bird dog Lady with the results of a lucky shot and Shane Nichols with two birds he got on consecutive shots… which is not done a lot!


And then there’s this!







































Now how about a roughly 500 pound black bear photographed with a trail camera not five minutes down the highway west, from the Davis Street Turnoff in Vacaville. This big, big bear can lie atop the ridge it calls home and look down on the City Of Vacaville. This is one of at least four that have been caught on camera plus quite a few mountain lions and many, many wild pigs. Next time you’re going down I.S.80 west from Cowtown look up to the right and the highest little peaks you can see are home to all of these wild and free roaming creatures… isn’t that great!







Next we have the rare occasion where three pheasants were taken in one afternoon recently in rural Dixon (yes there is a pheasant archery season) with bows and arrows. That’s me and our beautiful bird dog Lady on the left with the results of a lucky shot and Shane Nichols with two birds he got on consecutive shots… which is not done a lot!

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January 5th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #710 (1-5-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com


 Here’s The Dope on Dope…


Much of California could be legally “stoned” today? They’ve all had a few days to get over the newness, find a legal supplier, and re-learn how to toke, smoke, wrap, vape, hookah or whatever. Like it wasn’t bad enough to share the roadways with a bunch of drunks, cokers, crackheads, and messed up meth users. Now the Ca. liberal left is allowing its legislators , who made this all possible, to drive stoned and drunk up and down our freeway on the way to “work” in Sacramento. Yep, there’s no definite test for DUI with pot yet, but you can bet your pot shop there will be, and the smart money is investing in the companies developing a pot-alizer or whatever.

 Here’s why I would never make it as a cop:

How’d you like to be a cop now? “Have you been drinking, smoking dope, taking prescription meds, crack, meth, coke (the un cola), or any of them in combination? Or are you just plain stupid? You ran a red light, and a stop sign, squashed as squirrel, hit a little foo-foo dog, used your turn signal full time, and ran up on the curb, and locked your brakes up when you saw the red light on the police car… which caused a big pileup behind you…You didn’t notice, or even hear the siren? You haven’t had but “one beer?” and you were exposed to second hand pot smoke from someone riding in your car… that’s why you reek of Marijuana? … And you have only taken someone else’s’ prescription meds for a headache…and you think you can drive ok… that about sum it up? Really?” “You’re sorry?” Yep, that makes everything better… Here’s your tickets  you Dumb Sh.t, Have a nice day, and do us all a favor…Don’t Breed.

Because Dixon will have both a medical and retail location to sell marijuana, and all of its byproducts, I thought I would do a little work and bring readers up to snuff about the weed/drug…Like it or not, use it or not it’s here and isn’t going away anytime soon so you might as well be informed a little about what\’s happening…I have a really good sense of smell and I can smell cigars, cigarettes, and dope from a long way off. BTW….Most of the dope I smell smells a little like “skunk” to me. Much of information below is from Wikipedia

What is marijuana?

Marijuana—also called weed, herb, pot, grass, bud, ganja, Mary Jane, and a vast number of other slang terms—is a greenish-gray mixture of the dried flowers of Cannabis sativa. Some people smoke marijuana in hand-rolled cigarettes called joints; in pipes, water pipes (sometimes called bongs), or in blunts (marijuana rolled in cigar wraps).1 Marijuana can also be used to brew tea and, particularly when it is sold or consumed for medicinal purposes, is frequently mixed into foods (edibles) such as brownies, cookies, or candies. Vaporizers are also increasingly used to consume marijuana. Stronger forms of marijuana include sinsemilla (from specially tended female plants) and concentrated resins containing high doses of marijuana’s active ingredients, including honeylike hash oil, waxy budder, and hard amberlike shatter. These resins are increasingly popular among those who use them both recreationally and medically.

The main psychoactive (mind-altering) chemical in marijuana, responsible for most of the intoxicating effects that people seek, is delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). The chemical is found in resin produced by the leaves and buds primarily of the female cannabis plant. The plant also contains more than 500 other chemicals, including more than 100 compounds that are chemically related to THC, called cannabinoids.2

What are marijuana effects?

When marijuana is smoked, THC and other chemicals in the plant pass from the lungs into the bloodstream, which rapidly carries them throughout the body to the brain. The person begins to experience effects almost immediately (see “How does marijuana produce its effects?“). Many people experience a pleasant euphoria and sense of relaxation. Other common effects, which may vary dramatically among different people, include heightened sensory perception (e.g., brighter colors), laughter, altered perception of time, and increased appetite.

If marijuana is consumed in foods or beverages, these effects are somewhat delayed—usually appearing after 30 minutes to 1 hour—because the drug must first pass through the digestive system. Eating or drinking marijuana delivers significantly less THC into the bloodstream than smoking an equivalent amount of the plant. Because of the delayed effects, people may inadvertently consume more THC than they intend to.

Pleasant experiences with marijuana are by no means universal. Instead of relaxation and euphoria, some people experience anxiety, fear, distrust, or panic. These effects are more common when a person takes too much, the marijuana has an unexpectedly high potency, or the person is inexperienced. People who have taken large doses of marijuana may experience an acute psychosis, which includes hallucinations, delusions, and a loss of the sense of personal identity. These unpleasant but temporary reactions are distinct from longer-lasting psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia, that may be associated with the use of marijuana in vulnerable individuals.

Although detectable amounts of THC may remain in the body for days or even weeks after use, the noticeable effects of smoked marijuana generally last from 1 to 3 hours, and those of marijuana consumed in food or drink may last for many hours.

More Things To Think About

*Oooh, the irony… soon the only place you’ll be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market!

*According to Finnish folklore Father Christmas lives on the mountain Korvatunturi with his wife, helpers and his brother-in-law Veeti… who won’t get the hell off the couch and help.

*In this New Year get appointed to management simply by adopting the phrases “change agent”, “directionally accurate”, “core competencies” and “run it up the flagpole”.

If you’re ever lost in the forest just start talking politics… it’s a sure thing someone will show up to disagree with you.

*I just posted a selfie…….and people responded and told me to get well soon.

*No one has to pee with more urgency than a child who has just been belted, zipped and velcroed into 10 pounds of snow gear.

*I used to date a yoga instructor and all my buddies were jealous and said “man, she must be really flexible!”…  I hated to tell them she had to work most weekends.

*The motivational poster I have is a majestic eagle gracefully soaring over the beautifully printed words…  “you can always quit”.

*I’m not sure what’s more confusing; that we would celebrate killing two birds… or that we feel the need to conserve stones.

*The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call the ‘sundae second’……..it refers to that time period from when your child tells you he is too full to finish dinner and when he starts whining for ice cream.

*I start every day with a green smoothie… oh, wait, the bartender says it’s called a “mojito”.

*How couples walk:  when dating….holding hands,  when engaged….arm-in-arm,  when married…..she walks five feet in front of him yelling back and berating him for parking “so far away!”

*Old MacDonald had Tourette’s…E-I-E-I SHOT!

*A neighbor gave his wife a vibrator as a gag gift.  She started waving it around screaming “I don’t need you now!  I don’t need you!”… guess who had to put the batteries in it?

*In my family B-negative isn’t just a blood type… it’s a way of life.

*One hundred years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars.  Now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses…….the stables have turned.  

 *It’s that time of year to start thinking about New Year’s resolutions:  mine are 1. Stop making lists… 2.  Be more consistent…..7. Learn to count.

*Today I learned you can’t laugh your ass off…the diet starts Monday.

*From now on I’m only going to drink fancy water that has healthy additives… like this one with the hops, yeast and malted barley.

*My new girlfriend was devastated that my friends call me “the love machine”… only because I’m so bad at playing tennis.

*My favorite parts of the Bible are the scenes where Jesus is talking to God alone… and someone who wasn’t there is recounting it years later.

*Came home from work early and found my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me… with the beach ball.

*I will be so disappointed if there isn’t a Chinese millionaire whose name is “Cha Ching”.

*The world is so overpopulated.  Everywhere you go there are people, people, people………you can never find a secluded, private spot to extricate your wedgie.

*I remember being really confused in school when i was told America was the number one country in the world……if so, then why do we use #2 pencils?

*I can be showered and ready to go in 20 minutes… it takes the wife 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

*Unexplainable things:  1) Stonehenge 2) ESP 3) how my cable company can magically lower my charges when I threaten to change.

 *You can tell a lot about someone by the way they order at a hot dog stand… I knew this guy was a Buddhist when he said “make me one with everything.”

*I bought myself two eggplants… so far neither one has laid a single egg.

Squirrels can remember the hiding places they chose for as many as 10,000 nuts… but they always forget their wife’s birthday.

What it$ all about!


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December 15th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #707 (12-15-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Here Today Gone Tomorrow

            I was at a luncheon last Friday at the San Francisco Hilton with San Francisco’s Mayor Ed Lee, (the city’s first ever Asian-American Mayor) with well over 1,000 other elected officials from all over Northern California. Ed Spoke for a little bit welcoming everyone to San Francisco. He looked and sounded good. Here a week later Ed, 65, suddenly is dead. He was grocery shopping at Safeway Monday when he collapsed; he died early Tuesday in the hospital. The point? None of us know when it will be our last day, our last Christmas, our last goodbye, our last kiss or our last smile… So you better not pout, you better not cry I’m telling you why… You never know what tomorrow will bring. Check your personal Karma scale and see where you think you rate. If its low work on getting it higher.


Has Everyone In California

Gone Completely Crazy?


You decide: The CA Legislative Year Closed on Friday….So what did they Accomplish? …You Won’t Believe Some of the new Ca. laws! Check out #13… the last one

Fellow Californians: Friday will be the end of this legislative year. Here are some of the highlights of this session:

`1. SB-1: increases your gas taxes by approximately 20 Cents (Nov 1) and your vehicle license fees by an average of $100 (Jan 1st).

2. Passed Cap N Tax which will increase gas 0.63 to 0.93 cents a gallon change and the taxes that go with it.  So do the math projection…    (0.12 + 0.63 = 0.75/gallon + current $3.10/gallon = $3.85/gallon)Proposed increase on a new tax every residence will pay for tap waterin the State!

3. A$3.46B parks bond to pay for parks in “disadvantaged communities” meaning Los Angeles. The debt service will be over $200 million a year. The good news is some money goes to help fix the Salton Sea which should have always been a State responsibility!

4. Law to release any lifer (murder, rape , child molestation, etc.) who is 60 years old and has already spent 25 years in prison! Charles Manson qualifies (sorry Charlie you croaked too quick) today and the Melendez brothers that murdered their parents could be released in about 12 years? What about victims?

5. A new $10 charge on all residents living in Mobile home parks to address living condition enforcement in those parks?  Why does the Left embrace these regressive taxes on the poor?

6.We picked an official dinosaur of the State of California. Really? Yes!

7. Blackmail Tesla to either unionize with the United Auto Workers Union or forfeit State incentives to buy their electric cars! Just another Jerry Brown Union Grab!

  1. Reduce from a felony to a misdemeanor the purposeful intent to transmit the AIDS virus to a unknowing partner.
  1. Give preferential treatment to prisoners convicted of serious crimes that are less than 25 years old because their brains are not mature enough to understand right from wrong.Whaaat? If the brains of our kids don’t mature until 25, why do we allow them to vote?
  2. A bill to require our true sex be omitted from drivers licenses? Whaaat?
  3. Free legal services for illegal immigrants…of course!
  4. Establish safe “injection zones”run by government to oversee people injecting heroin! You have to be kidding me? Yep, it passed!


California the land of fruits and nuts!


San Francisco and Sacramento are “sanctuary cities” where you can get away with murder in one; and be given $1,000 each month if you are a gang member who doesn’t get caught doing anything illegal. In both cities you can be re-deported ad infinitum and never have to fear any arrest by federal authorities and local law enforcement has to treat you with kid gloves and apologize if they have to arrest you, but they promise to let you go before the feds arrive. Also: Mayor Crazy as batcrap Phil in Sacramento wants not only to pay gangbangers to be good, he wants free houses for all bums that want one and he’ll protect them all from the federal government and forgive them for any crimes they do…What a guy! The schmuck.

I CAN ONLY HOPE the POTUS cuts off all federal funds for those cities where elected officials ignore their sworn oaths to uphold the constitution…etc.


Text to Neighbor:

          Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing… The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan


Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa… He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

    The second message:  Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured out the damned Auto-Correct changed “Wi-Fi” to “wife.” That’s technology for you, eh?

Regards, Alan

Legal Pot coming in a couple of weeks, like it or not… Merry Christmas!


Talk about something that stinks: Napa County and the Solano County Board of supervisors, selling us down the river… without as life jacket… 100 to 200 trucks a day dumping toxic waste from the recent fires just downwind from us. Solano County sold us out…  contracted drivers get $175 an hour while waiting or driving… WTF FEMA? Who got the sweetheart contract and how? Who’s raking in the big bucks and why is everyone turning a blind eye? I would think this would be a matter for at least the Grand Jury, if not the District Attorney or Attorney General to look into, don’t you? Someone’s raking in millions while our dump space is rapidly decreasing which can only mean higher rates for us in the future and airborne diseases flowing our way on the prevailing winds… Merry Christmas. This plus the round the clock hundreds of trucks bring San Francisco’s garbage and hospital to this rural Dixon Dump too. Such a deal. With the millions they are raking in maybe the garbage guys will lower our rates?

More Things for Thought

*Gauging by the force at which the empty Thin Mints box impacted my face… I believe my wife has discovered I ate the rest of her cookies.

*I would never say that my wife was a lousy cook… but I will tell you the Super Glue people have been asking for her gravy recipe.

*This generation suffers from a lack of simple, educational toys……as a kid my Tonka dump truck was instrumental in teaching me to not pinch the crap out of my finger between two metal parts.

*My wife finally admitted it……..the best thing about being a granny is the panties.

*So, he judges people, watches them when they aren’t looking, laughs a lot, has a belly, eats an insane amount of cookies and looks great in red?……I think I may be Santa!

*How satisfied am I with my job…I’m thinking of getting a colonoscopy just so I can miss a day of work.

*I brushed my teeth without watching myself in the mirror……now everything is scrubbed clean up to my eyebrows.

*The cavemen got lots of exercise, drank pure water, breathed clean air and ate a strictly free range organic diet…..and died by the age of 35.

I remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen…….now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

*Apparently my signature move is playing hard to want.

*For obvious reasons my Christmas letter will not contain the “How Many Butts I Touched This Year” chapter……..the one that I usually conclude with.

*A woman just gave us the answer……..”Yes, it’s the ‘sighs’ that matters”.

*While paying for some Christmas gifts I asked the cashier if they had any gift boxes……she told me they ran out of gift boxes in 1984.

*We don’t assign household chores based on the traditional roles…….rather; we use the “he does whatever she doesn’t want to do” method.

“If I can see four inches of cleavage your shirt may be too low cut”…….is something you should never have to say to your grandma.

*It is just SO exhilarating to finally win an intense argument with the wife……….AND I did it without even waking Her!

*I think new parents stress the baby’s weight and length because they have no other relevant information about them…..they can’t say “meet Bob, a free spirit who practices yodeling!”

*I was probably going to pass the field sobriety test….until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

*When you really think about it what is chicken broth………nothing more than the chicken’s dirty bathwater.

*I intentionally stay a few pounds overweight because it wouldn’t be fair to all the skinny people if I was this handsome, intelligent, funny…….and thin.

*Somewhat appropriately, my mother’s last purchase at Bed, Bath and Beyond, right before her death…….curtains.

*As they strapped the convicted murderer into the electric chair he suddenly realized…….they would soon discover the three ounces of contraband popcorn kernels he’d hidden in his rectum.  

*The biggest myth about travel is “packing light”….light is available worldwide from the sun and other artificial sources.

*Take it from me…….I suffer from the opposite of kleptomania.

*The Death Star in the Star War’s movies was said to be 100 km to 160 km in diameter with a crew of 1.7 million……would it have killed them to show us the cafeteria?

What idiot called them ‘ex-fiancées’…….rather than ‘near-Mrs.’  “?

*In 1979 a phone call initiating from inside your own home was a reason for terror……these days it simply means someone’s too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

*Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor…he didn’t feel well.

*The grandkids asked if I had a plan for the zombie apocalypse…….hell, I don’t even have a battery in the smoke alarm and we know fire is real!

*Jesus said to his disciples, “remember, everything the light touches is God’s Kingdom.”…….Judas asked, “Isn’t that from the Lion King?”












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December 8th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #706 (12-8-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com


It’s coming quick, just 17 more days until the big day. Kids are getting excited and starting to behave and Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs, Inc. is gearing up for the big weekend. Between now and then hundreds of volunteers will do their annual thing to make the season the best possible for the young and elderly… God bless them all… which reminds me of the old English verse…

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat,

Please put a penny in the old man’s hat,

If you don’t have a penny a half-penny will do,

if you don’t have a half-penny, God bless you!

Think about it…


Squeekly Wheel Gets Greased

For literally years I have been hounding the powers to be to do a couple of things:

  1. Get North first Street paved from the overpass though tow and
  2. Find a solution to the horrendous maiming intersection of Porter and Pit school Roads. To many bad accidents, injuries and deaths have occurred at the blind corner.

Solano County IS currently working to install “four way traffic controls” the intersection and he traffic striping and signs should be up and done in the next couple of days. Finally… see, even a blind hog finds an acorn every once in a while.

  1. The count needs to fix the intersection of Midway Rd and St Hwy113to stop the tremendous loss of life, countless serious injuries, etc. Our Supervisors John Vasquez and Skip Thompson (who are responsible for the road on either side of Rt.113 have pledged to help… to date nothing is officially in the works…BUT…They are working with CalTrans so I was told on Friday to try and get something done. Thanks John and Skip.

Granted I can’t personally take credit for any of this but I can take credit for hounding the powers to be until they either evacuate their bowels or get off the pot.


Gun show this weekend in town, big whoopee.

 The promoters charge you; they charge the vendors and give nothing back to the community. If you decide to go, look for Mr. And Mrs. Jack Caldwell’s (Seen above in photo) booth and stop and talk to them. As for the other vendors it’s “buyer beware”. Something goes wrong try to find the promoter or the vendor. You’re better off to sticking with those you know who offer rock solid guarantees and returns.

Insult A Dead Veteran

          Also next weekend, Saturday, December 16th is the annual travesty promoted by a real estate salesman and his firm. To be exact the promoters call it “Wreaths Across America” and this is a travesty where tens of thousands of trees are sacrificed and millions are spent to “honor our veterans at Christmas”. Granted it looks nice but so does food on the table and a roof over their heads for a homeless vet and their Family… Merry Christmas..

At the Sacramento Valley National Cometary for instance about 20,000 graves (being sponsored at $10 a pop) will receive dead green wreaths with a nice red ribbon to somehow “honor” our veterans. I might feel better if they were more upfront about it and tell the truth; it’s to make those still living feel better at Christmas… No way does this honor the dead vets. I know many vets who are buried there and to the man I can tell you they would say they would much rather you take the approximate $200,000 and help homeless veterans, the widows and orphans or the “wounded Warriors and when all that is done, the “stick a dead tree branch with a ribbon on my grave and call it a day”. When I’m planted there I will refuse this honor until the above criteria is met. The rest of you, of course, do as you wish but think of the hypocrisy…  but to me this is a sham promoted by folks who will make money one way or the other. 20,000 wreaths locally alone; do the math X $10 each.  I know this is not politically correct but I have been fighting this every since it began with the same reasoning. Take that money and put it to us where it will truly help the living vets, their wives and children…This is, of course, just my opinion… I am entitled to one aren’t I?


Burned out kids taken care of all got news clothes,

 will get coats, food and toys…

A lot of people were concerned about the family who lost their house, by the railroad tracks just off N. First Street and the fact the family and their four children lost everything. Clothes, Christmas presents; everything.

A caring local farmer/grower and his wife called and asked if “we” could track them down (I guessed she meant part of our Toys for Tots crew) and buy all of the kids new clothes. She said they would send a check to cover the expense. Our experienced folks, tracked them down, (the U.S. Navy Vet, his wife and four kids) arrange to meet at Walmart and bought all of the children new clothes and shoes. TFT’s will take care of their food if needed for the three weeks they are out of school and Santa will make sure they get their share of presents just before Christmas… Who said Santa isn’t real? Merry Christma

First Wife Linda Groped by a big Blue Thing at Kohl’s

While shopping At Kohl’s in Vacaville during the Black Friday madness, and armed with a 30% off coupon my first wife Linda was mugged and held captive by the big blue thing pictured above… Haven’t seen her since. Hope she’s ok.

More Things For Thought

  • My moods don’t just swing……they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

*I’m tired of people naturally assuming I’ve got a great personality… just because I’m unattractive.

*According to the 25th amendment to the Constitution if the president is incapacitated the vice president becomes the executive producer of The Apprentice.

*Girls like guys that are good dancers… because it demonstrates an innate ability to please the gods to summon rain for a bountiful harvest.

Pretty sure that a mass e-mail goes out to let all the pigeons know when I’ve washed my car.

I could cut my arm off and be covering the bloody stump with paper towels…..and my wife would be hollering “way too many!  You’re wasting them!”

The closest I get to a food diary is my shirt at the end of the day.

One of the most annoying parts of getting older is the incessant desire to want to give those younger than myself unwanted advice.

If you have the ability to talk really fast you have some options in life… become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

The same people who used to make fun of the guy in school wearing the Casio calculator timepiece are now sporting the Apple watch.

Saw that my ex-wife was working at Subway… stopped in and had her make me a sandwich just for old times’ sake.

“Stop at two” is probably the best advice for drinking.. .and having kids.

I find it humorous when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell”… as if I won’t find a way to weasel out of those plans, too.

You’re a busy woman… let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

If dumping the last of the chips into the dip and eating it like cereal is wrong……than I don’t want to be right!

Craigslist has some deals!  I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl at a great price… it even has a little thing on the bottom that says ‘dishwasher safe’. 

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus… I just naturally assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

My wife attempted the “Smokey eye makeup” look for a holiday party… and with my typical aplomb I remarked she looked like she’d survived a bar fight.

I accidentally dropped a Viagra into my contact lens solution… now I’m cockeyed.

A new pizza joint opened in town and said they love unusual requests… I asked if they could find my biological parents.

Scientists say that at no time did the dinosaurs and humans coexist…..but the makers of ‘The Flintstones’ clearly dispute this so the answer’s up for grabs.

Because the platypus both lays eggs and gives milk it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

This year it’s rumored there will be a new Oscar category that is thot to be long overdue… Achievement in Misleading Trailers.

This guy left the synagogue shaking his head and muttering, “I always thought ‘rabbi’ was the plural of rabbit.”

Great words of advice:  don’t bite the hand that feeds you… unless, of course, they’re feeding you kale.

 It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers on the July 4 weekend… don’t ruin it with words like ‘calorie count’ and ‘hair on fire’!  

Deodorant?  I’ve never needed to buy any, people just seem to give it to me… complete strangers oftentimes.

I’m old enuff to remember when ‘yogurt’ was ‘hellogurt’.

Before I was married I used to just drive aimlessly thru parking lots……’cuz I had no one to point out the open spots.

In honeycombs why are bees called ‘larvae’……..and not ‘wannabees’?

Until Boyz II Men sang about it I had never realized how sensual chronic flatulence was.









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December 2nd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #705 (12-1-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Watch out for Christmas Cons!


It started just after Thanksgiving… The sob stories and sympathy sales of stuff all go towards the fleecing of the flock… The “flock” being good hearted people who want to help feed children and get them gifts and stuff for Christmas… Safeway, Walmart, doesn’t matter where these profiteers can pop up anywhere.

5Only give your hard earn money to verifiable groups and people and organizations you know personally or are 100% sure you can trust. You know the Salvation Army bell ringers, the signature gathers, etc. are paid folks and Goodwill is a highly profitable business banking on your soft spot in your heart to give and help others… And you should give and help if you can afford to. Just make sure your donations of money or goods will end up where you them to go and not in just a sleazy organization’s till. Take a minute when you’re accosted and ask a few simple questions like: Do you have a City of Dixon business license (yes non-profits need one too) where does this money go, and how do I know it will get there? Are you a legal non-profit charity; if so what is the 501C-3 number? (All legal non-profits must have one). Will any of this remain local ? If so, how do you distribute what you get? Ever heard of Dixon Community Christmas Programs? Do this and Red flags will pop up all over and they will quickly be done with you and move on to the next “rube”.

Buy and contribute nothing over the phone and for God’s sake don’t give out any personal information or a credit card number over the phone no mater what the scammer tells you, in person, or by your phone or iPad. When buying on line make sure you have fraud protection (or use PayPal) with your purchasing card and be smart and careful and try to know with whom you are dealing..

Buy nothing from the door- to-door scammers and the first thing you say to them is, “Let me see your Dixon business license and permit… Don’t have one? Better get one because the police will be contacting you shortly. Then call the non-emergency police number at 678-7070 and report illegal solicitors. Why? They could just be casing your home for a return visit when you’re not there or asleep.

Legit causes and solicitors will have the proper credentials and will gladly answer your questions and provide you with answers.  Scammers will hem and haw and dance around any question you ask. Tell them to go away and inform them you will be making a police report and then do so. Many are pros and you will be inclined to buy the bull they’re selling… Don’t.

Don’t leave anything visible in your car or truck. There are already plenty of vehicle “smash and grab” incidents in Dixon as it is. Don’t give some crack head or some other dirtball easy access to your stuff and leave you with a big repair bill. They’ve broken windows for as little loose change lying in the open. They get pennies and you get an insurance claim a deductible to pay and lost time to repair their damage… Sorry but that’s the way things are now days.

Do report anyone or anything suspicious in your neighborhood. You know better than the police what should and shouldn’t be there or happening. We report all solicitors (after I grill them with stuff from above and give them a chance to get the proper permits… seems they never do?)

If you don’t have “NoMoRobo” on both your home land line and cell phone; get it. It’s free and will stop the vast majority of the stupid, ill time, Robo calls and solicitors. Just go on line or have someone you know with a cell phone or computer enter your number and do it for you. It, effective and it’s FREE.

If you are having things delivered make sure someone is going to be home or leave a note to deliver it to a trusteed neighbor if you are not going to be there. “Porch pirates” are now making away with anything that looks like it could be something. Sometimes they follow UPS and Fed Ex and pick up what they leave as soon as the coast is clear… Come on my porch, night or day and you may leave with more than you expected. I’ve been collecting some of our finer, vintage dog poop for a while. Linda is going to wrap and leave it on the porch. In the poop will be a card with a finger extended wishing them a Merry Christmas and one word…Karma… they can look it up or goggle it.

Point being; don’t make yourself, or allow yourself to become a victim or easy target. Just think and follow your gut feelings.  If it doesn’t seem right, feel right, or sound right, chances are very good there’s something wrong… cut and run, hang up, walk away and if that doesn’t immediately work call the police department. If you see a crime or suspicious people or activities call the police department at 6787-7080 for 24 hour non-emergencies. During regular business hours call 678-7070. If you don’t get the response and treatment you think you deserve let me or any other city councilman know and we’ll follow up with the city manager who will take care of things. We have a lot of new officers and some may need additional training.

From the email box


On Sun, Nov 26, 2017 at 6:29 PM, Christa Rockel <drockel@sbcglobal.net> Wrote:
\What genius (?) authorized the installation of the new LED street lights in Dixon? The light that they put out is far less than the old lights. I have the suspicion that someone just took the word of the lighting company as to the effectiveness of these new LED lamps. Maybe someone should have tested the real illumination capabilities of the new lights and then made an IMPARTIAL decision before spending who knows how much taxpayer money on something that is less illuminating. To be plain about it, these lights are about as useful as teats on a bull!! Please look into this as it could be an interesting story for the Dixon Independent Voice. I do live in Dixon and am quite familiar with the shenanigans that go on in city hall. If you care to respond personally, you can do so to my E-mail address. My name is Juergen Thode.


“I do live in Dixon and am quite familiar with the shenanigans that go on in city hall”… please enlighten me on this subject and I’ll expose and illegal or wrong doing that your “quite familiar” with, ok? Just give me some facts and I’ll run with them!

I will pass this on to the mayor, city manager and the director of public works for a better answer than I can give. I know they reduce cost and save energy.

The answer from the mayor:   Good day to you Mr Thode: To give you a little background information on the LED Lights; back in I believe 2012 or 2013 multiple LED Lights and at the time one of our standard lights were installed at West A St starting at Evans or Pitt School Rd. Each light had a number placed on it and the public was asked to survey them and provide input. The lighting you see today is the one most of the public chose.
  For many areas the change over actually increased night lighting and we have received many compliments to this end.
  Sadly the lights on my street are of such construction they are incapable of being converted and would cost more than the benefit of such conversion, therefor what we get here is not much more than a glow.
  In hearing your complaint I believe there may be an issue with the lights in your area. I would recommend comparing to LED lighting in another area and if remarkably different record the light post number and report it to either the site titled “Fixin Dixon”, City Hall or your District Council Member. Having the light post number is critical.
Thom Bogue

(Mayor of the City Dixon)


More Things for Thought


*If you were the least bit curious how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me… and 74 for the dog.

*I was a fantastic parent… right up until the point where I had children of my own.

*Adults don’t believe in Santa Claus… but they still listen to the weather forecast and show up to vote.

*Whenever I left the front door open my mom would ask me “were you born in a barn?”… which is odd because you’d think she would remember something like that.

*You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are so much neater than the other prisoners.

*No, I don’t have a Fitbit… I’m pretty sure I have a handle on how inactive I am… I don’t need bells and alarms and such.

*People say if you open an umbrella inside you will have bad luck… personally; I think if it’s raining indoors you’ve already had your bad luck.

*My bear’s diarrhea problems are still a concern.  The vet says he’s getting better… but he’s not out of the woods yet.

*When asked by my doctor what I did for exercise I told him I watched golf on TV. He said, rather disgustedly, that wasn’t enough… so now I watch tennis as well.

*The good thing about tea is you can drink it at work… the good thing about Jack Daniels is it looks just like tea.

Only three kinds of snakes scare me:  big snakes, little snakes, and sticks that look like snakes.

*Everyone is aware that if you eat beans you pass gas… but if you eat green beans will your gas be environmentally friendly?

*A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story shorter……now I can add search and rescue, proctologist and veterinarian to my resume.

*Treat your relationships as you would your teeth and give them a little daily attention and they will last a lifetime… he same can’t be said for hair.

*I just joined a new organization called AAAAA… all my automotive road service needs are now done by recovering alcoholics.

*I have days where wearing a hat is the only use I make of my head.

One of the lines that ingratiated me and got me out of a lot of trouble with school teachers:  “Where’s your homework?”… “I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in school”.

*Always stand proud and keep your head up… hides your double chin in pictures.

*What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest…a suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it’s triggered.

*If your butt looks like it has hail damage it might be wise to rethink the spandex pants.

*The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere some yahoo said “I want to set those two fools over there on fire… but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

*Just one of the problems I have with evolution…. when the chocolate chip evolved how did the raisin not go extinct?

*Ever wondered why you don’t see a lot of black people on cruises… they’re not falling for that ruse twice!

*The best answer a tired mother can give when walking her children if asked that stupid question “oh, are they twins?” ……”no. They’re triplets; I left the ugly one home.”

A big storm is coming and people are buying bread, milk and eggs…. apparently you battle bad weather with French toast.

*If a Jewish person gets high smoking weed… would it be considered anti-Semitic to call him ‘baked’?

*This tall, distinguished and obviously successful looking gentleman at the party kept referring to himself as a ‘private investigator’… until his female companion told him the term ‘gynecologist’ was perfectly acceptable.

*”…..so help me God.”….thank-you.  Sir, please state your first name. Last name and occupation for the court… Superman, Superman, and Superman”.

*If you’re a cannibal then technically it’s simply hunting…. not murder.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo and eating people.  After destroying a mental asylum suddenly he falls over dead and the commanding officer quizzically asks “what happened?”… the answer comes “nut allergy”.

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November 25th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #704 (11-24-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

It didn’t work!

Toys for Tots underway! Collection boxes all over town

Jack Caldwell of California Water Service is seen giving a donation check to Linda Hickman for the local Community Christmas Programs.

  The 50th or 51st Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs is now underway with volunteers preparing to do their parts and hundreds of children and a hundred or so seniors looking forward to Christmas Eve. See related story for place that have collection boxes for coats and toys.

  •     The main thing is the web site www. Dixontoysfortots.org is up and running and has the details of most of the programs available.

    The biggest and most pressing need today seems to be the gathering of 1,000 coats over the next few weeks. By “coats” we really mean clean, warm children’s clothing from new born through high school…To volunteer for that huge project you can call: Pam Murdock at 707-592-7337. This “Coats for Kids” program was started about 30 years ago by my first wife, Linda, and has spread throughout Christmas land… But it started here, by my soul mate, manager and co-chair of this whole thing.

The gift wrapping is being headed once again by Kelly Fletcher and you can get in touch with her by calling: 707-592-2328.

If your desire has always to have been a real Santa’s elf-helper you may call:  Karlie Ocenasek at 916-220-9433… Returning elves have precedence of times and shifts.

If you can help some of the three nights to sign up about 300 families for the programs you can call: Arlene Jimenez at 707-676-5104. She also heads the “food for families” program.

If you can help with the Christmas Eve senior program call: Monica Sepulveda at 405-365-4455. She needs help on finding and verifying seniors throughout the community that will be alone on Christmas Eve.

Scheduling and time are handled by Tanace Hatchel and she may be reached at 707-330-8626

Anything to do with Santa Claus can go through Jack Caldwell at 707-249-6780.

To volunteer to help build Santa’s workshop and prep for his arrival call:  Fred Vanderwold at 916-813-7408.

To help unload, separate and categorize the hundreds (Dec. 12-13) of new toys to setup for gift wrapping call: Linda Hickman at 707-678-2203. Because of the time constraints this year we really need help for a few hours to get this done (before we can move on to the next step).

Help and Warning

Seems like this time of the year when we can least afford the time or money to deal with garage doors, plumbing, heaters or other vital things… is the time these things take to go kaput.

This is for everyone but especially seniors: Your garage door goes whacky call RW Garage Doors Service and Repairs of Vacaville.  Ask for their “special”, something like $99 bucks and have them come out and help.  If they try to sell you anything else, get a price, thank them, pay them for the basic service they provided and then get a second opinion. This goes for all plumbing and heater/air conditioning folks too. They all have a “special” service call price of one kind or another. Those prices are usually competitive and OK. One penny more however, thank them and get a second opinion. If their information was good it will hold up. Don’t be pressured to do anything because of veiled hints threats or innuendos.

            For heating problem you want to call DHS grad Stephen Niemann at: 707-205-7041 to come to your home and check it out. He doesn’t sell anything… He just fixes stuff and his prices are very reasonable.

Doesn’t matter who, doesn’t matter what. If it sounds too good to be true, or too bad to be true, it probably isn’t. Use your head and get a second opinion on anything that just doesn’t sit right…OK?


More Things for Thought!

*If I learned anything from my childhood it’s that if you cry hard enough and long enough … your dead hamster will be resurrected as a rabbit.

*Always walk from the end of the buffet line toward the beginning…that way you don’t waste too much plate space on salad.  

*Someone posted a challenge on Facebook “Ruin a Date in 4 words”… “I have terrible gas.”

*After years of failure the scientist who had been trying to create synthetic urine nearly lost his mind… when he drank his first Miller Lite.

*There’s a support group for actresses that were not harassed by Harvey Weinstein…they’re meeting at a table at Starbucks.

*It would be a little easier if they just reported which parts of the country aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

*My therapist says I have an addictive, obsessive personality, and the tendency to hoard things… in fact, all 9 of my therapists say that.

*The ever fastidious Sean Connery still has nightmares… about the time he told a woman to “sit on my lap”.

*Relationship status… my sex life is strictly DIY.

*Laughter strengthens relationships and women are attracted to men with the ability to make them laugh… which is why I sleep with clown shoes on.

*I must be scrubbing my hair too vigorously in the shower… all the color is coming out!

*The damn cat reminds me of my wife… no matter what I do me get the same sour and disapproving looks.

*I will never understand how guys can sexually harass women.  I ask my wife 4-5 times “is this ok?”… and that’s just to change channels.

*If you ever feel unattractive just remember you look like your ancestors… and they all had sex!

*If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf holler “who’s getting a bath?  Someone’s getting a bath!”… and he’ll run off. 

*My pubic hair has turned white… in the evening moonlight my testicles look like two snowcapped mountains.

*Due to the ever increasing demand Captain America will be outsourcing much of his crime fighting efforts… to Captain India.  

*I think my wife believes the louder she sighs the more likely I’ll help with the housework… little does she know I find her deep breathing soothing and it helps me nap.

*If you want to hide a gift for your husband put it in the pantry… placing just one item in front of it should prove to be sufficient.

*Why do they call it ‘fecal incontinence’… rather than ‘premature evacuation’?

*OJ Simpson told an interviewer that Caitlyn Jenner will now live longer ‘cuz women live longer than men… which is true, unless you’re married to OJ.

*If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids… you need to get like seven of them.

*I worked as a male stripper at one time and the girls threw dollar bills for me to ‘take it off’… then they threw five dollar bills for me to ‘put it back on’!

*I don’t mean to brag but I’m the Jimi Hendrix of the kazoo.

*Last weekend a close friend suffered thru a painful procedure where he had his spine and both testicles removed… but he did get some great wedding gifts.

*All you people who keep a phone charger in the bathroom… have you not heard of shredded wheat or raisin bran?

*Wait! What… are you telling me Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy as hell sister?

*I washed my favorite blanket with one of those “scent booster’ thingies…. now it smells like a coconut island breeze summer rain spring meadow cheap hooker.

*My grandson has an awful case of the flu… so I’m letting him lick all the envelopes for my credit card payments.

*On the day we set the clocks back it’s always tuff to know what to do with that extra hour… watch football and skip my chores or nap and skip my chores


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.   Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot… The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer… The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?” 
…hope you had a…happy thanksgiving!


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