The Annual Dixon May Fair Is here! 

“Get around to it and stop by at our 

NorCal Outdoor Connection-IV booth”. 

May Fair Comes Again!

 The Dixon May Fair  will be 205 years old this year if you count the ones the Indians had before we infected the area. Not much has changed except the people, the lands, the crops, the animals, pollution, drought, new diseases, and oh yeah, the Indians didn’t have Ferris wheels or cotton candy. They had cottonwoods, buffalo chips, antelope roping, rattlesnake tossing and tick picking.
 Remember last year I reveled the true origin of the may fair? (Crazy Jack, the locals called him, he’s the old man that used to stand in front of Dawson’s downtown and yell at cars as they drove by and then talk seemingly to people only he could see. He personally told me years ago how the May Fair really started. People said he had “his lucid moments” so I believed he had one when he told me some of these facts.)  Ester Armstrong, the Dixon May Fair manager told me she has her doubts about his “facts”.
I told you about the local Indian from the Dixon/Davis area called, the best we could translate, “Light in the Loafers.” He and a few of his Indian buddies decided to ride sidesaddle to San Francisco and visit a tribe down there known for the funny hisses they made when they talked. They were called the thspecail tibe.” A lot of the “braves” wore long elk skins that somewhat resembled dresses, with way to many beads, and had higher than usual heeled moccasins. They also wore what many called “excessive war paint” on a daily basis. Some reportedly even walked with a lisp.
 Anyway, who am I to judge history? The Dixon/Davis Native Americans invited the San Francisco boys up to Dixon for a late spring bash where they could do what they wanted and not be judged by folks that knew them.
 They, I guess, were a happy bunch and decided to call the event the spring Gay and Happy May Fair. LTL (Light in the Loafers) supplied some Jess Jones popcorn, local weeds to put in the peace pipes, and some moonshine from Redneck Tim’s still. They too had sheep and gerbil wrangling but it was a little different than what we have today… I guess what happened at the Gay Fair in May stayed at the fair…Whatever, that’s history.
When the early Americans arrived they kind of  pooh-poohed the idea of a Gay and Happy anything because most were unsuccessful gold miners and they changed the name to the May Fair and for years outlawed anything that would make people either gay or happy…Now days its turned into a pretty wholesome family affair.
 Today’s fair is a modern, old fashion (still want to know what an oxymoron is?) almost one of a kind, four day, rural party. You have great entertainment (ZZTOP…Wow!), an amusement park, junior livestock auction (Where you can register early Saturday and buy your family some prime, beef, pig, or lamb. I’ll be the one in the orange shirt helping out there too by the way) plus all sorts of vendors and exhibitors…including us.
 We will have a booth there, on the second midway, in the shade (across from the kid’s roller coaster in booth space 50) for our family owned business, NorCal Outdoor Connection. We act as booking agents, at no cost to our clients, for over 300 of the top fishing/hunting guides and lodges all over the world. You and your family or some guys or gals from work want to go somewhere special for a change? Stop and see us, tell us what you’re after, and we will do the research and give you the best advice available in the outdoor world today and can book it for you…Free. You can fish or hunt or not.
We also have a little reminder token for you too that you can have some fun with when you get around to it…and a free copy of the IV with a fair schedule in it. Can’t beat that with a stick!

    Grandpa’s On The Porch

 A man came to visit his grandparents here during the May Fair, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what are you doing? Your privates are out in the open for everyone to see!” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your grandma’s idea.”

    Fickle Finger Of Fate Advice

 This is only for guys to read because if you haven’t met the fickle finger of fate (the big FFF), and you live long enough, chances are you will. I went to Kaiser in Vallejo last week to visit urologists because my blood PSA was up. There I met the cool Dr. Acquaviva MD/FFF (Clear Water? What the hell kind of a name is that for a urologists?) who not only showed me the fickle finger of fate but also reinforced dramatically why I’m an avowed heterosexual.
 It is the fickle finger that decides if you have to have a biopsy of your prostate which certainly has to be one of the big things every heterosexual male DOESN”T want to go through, hear about, or even think about. Most women don’t have a prostrate so they shouldn’t be reading this unless they are blond…Only blonds need a PSA test…I don’t know why, they just do…hear that Jill, Rhonda, Jeanne…?
 The following is the gospel by the way. I’m as serious as a heart attack about this. If you are a male over 50 you need to have a PSA blood test and if necessary the fickle finger test. If you are diagnosed with prostate cancer it can be cured in its early and even some advanced stages. If you are not tested and you catch the big C down there and do nothing about it you might as well reserve your space for a permanent dirt nap…cause it’s over.
 People complain about Kaiser all of the time. We have been very fortunate with everything we’ve needed. My primary care physician, Dr. Ahmady, made sure I had all of my tests and sent me to the clear water guy for further testing. He also sent me to Dr. James Prostridge for a messed up big toe. All of these guys are pros and got the job done. (Ever had Novocain injections in your big toe? Got to be my second favorite thing…with the first being falling nude into a cactus plant). He and the fickle finger should have lunch together and swap yarns….Anyway this was all in the same day so I came out limping, with a funny kind of limp, subconsciously thinking ouch, toe, ouch butt…etc. Now, at last, my toe should heal and if I live long enough I may get over the other trauma.
 Dr. Ahmady’s approach was very effective in treating me. He simply said, “It your choice, lose some weight or get diabetes.” I lost 10 pounds.  Next visit he said, “Get your prostate checked and get your toe looked at and fixed or suffer the consequences…these are your choices.” He made the appointments on the computer while I sat there thinking about what to do. An hour lecture would not have been as productive or motivating.

    From a friend overseas…

From the email box: “We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a witch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a witch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a big bust who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here? ”

    Successful Vet

(Remember Jennie Jensen who used to work at the old Pardi Market and her first husband Al had the 76  gas station that used to be next to the Tribune (this goes back a few years )? She now lives in Wisconsin and sent this one…)
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. ‘Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,’ he stated. ‘Why yes,’ she replied, ‘every week my grandson sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.’ The pastor replied, ‘That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?’ The elderly woman answered, ‘$10,000 a week.’ The pastor was amazed. ‘Your grandson is very successful; what does he do for a living?’ ‘He is a veterinarian,’ (Dr. Timm take notice) she answered. ‘That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,’ the pastor said. ‘Where does he practice?’ The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one just outside Reno”.  

    A  Learned Experience

A little lily white American boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in brown sugar and then wipes it all over his face. “Mama, look, I’m a Mexican boy.”  His mom slaps his face and says, ‘Go show your father.’ He goes to his dad in the living room and says, ‘Look Papa, I’m a Mexican boy.’ His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, ‘Go show your grandmother.’  The boy goes in his grandmother’s room and says,’ Grandma I’m a Mexican boy.’ His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, ‘What did you learn from that? ‘The boy replies, “I have only been Mexican for five minutes and already I don’t like you white people.” 

    A Pain In The Gas

 I checked with a local Dixon oil and gas expert about what we could be paying locally for gas. Take away the taxes and we could be paying about 57 and one/half cents a gallon less for diesel and 49 and one-half cents less for gas. There’s federal tax at about 18 cents a gallon, then state tax, then the double state tax called sales tax on top of the state gas tax and then another state two and one-half cent tax for and “environmental fee.”
Mr. President and Mr. Governor (I don’t care what the “experts” say) want to do us all a real favor? Don’t take our money and then hand it back like it’s a gift. Drop all gas taxes until gas prices come down. Make up the lost revenue by halting all government monies spent on illegal people and things…and that my friends is the end of my sermon for this week!  #

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    May fair’s a coming!

     * “Teach a child to hunt and he and his
   family will eat for a lifetime. Teach a child
   the Safeway and he and his family will eat
   until the money or food stamps run out.”

    The Real True Story

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,620 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.  WHAT??? You expected something really educational from me?

    “Teach A Child To Kill”

 From the email bag comes some…stuff. The first is a letter from some old gal who was really PO’d about a recent front page picture of a father and son with a wild turkey they had harvested and then had an exciting encounter with a mountain lion…
           “Well here we go again! On the front page, the great white father teaching his tiny child to kill! Three things wrong with this story: 1. The lions’ (sic) second source of food (deer being the first) is diminished. 2. The child being taught to kill. 3. The father desperately trying to prove his manhood, by killing an innocent animal. Look Out neighbors. Safeway is your best source for Turkeys!”
 She’s right you know the Dixon Safeway does have turkeys. So I got the boy and took him to Safeway and explained how these birds are penned up in small quarters, have part of their beaks cut off, are forced fed, given steroids and other drugs, genetically engineered to have breasts so big they can hardly walk, penned together so tightly that some die in transport, are stunned, heads cut off, boiled in hot water, placed in a centrifuge and whirled around until they are naked, frozen and then shipped to Safeway for him and his family to eat.
Although he is only six he said, “I think I would rather eat a wild one like our forefathers did.” I asked him if he planned to murder any of his neighbors when he grew up and just looked at me like I was nuts. I asked his father about his manhood and ethnic background and he was, like insulted, and told me it was none of my business…so I guess that answers all of the questions in the lady’s letter. I asked the kid what the best part of the adventure was and he said, “Seeing the turkeys dance around (they were strutting doing a mating dance, she left that part out of her complaint)…BTY deer are far from being “diminished” you need to get out more…but thanks for writing.
       I saw this cool bumper sticker right after we got this letter that said: *Teach a child to hunt and he and his family will eat for a lifetime. Teach a child the Safeway and he and his family will eat until the money or food stamps run out.” Pretty timely and cool huh?

    The Bus Blonds

Two UCD bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus from UC Davis for a weekend bowling tournament in Vacaville. The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks, “What the heck’s going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!” One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, “YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!”

    DDBA Represents Who?

 OK so I don’t have a downtown business and I have elected not to join the Dixon Chamber of Commerce since they came out against commerce with a “secrete election” to protect their own little club members. The Disturbing Downtown Dixon Business Ass. apparently is refusing to “dance with who brung them,” so to speak by ignoring the vast majority of its members and businesses downtown which are asking for the empty parking lot across from Bud’s to be made into a downtown parking lot for the benefit of the public.
 I understand the city has “accepted,” (what ever that means) a late proposal by DDBA founder Rob Salabar (know downtown as “Salad Bar” for the many things he has going on) to build condos, some more businesses and a “plaza” to solve the parking problem. This way Mr. Salad Bar can make sure all of the rest of the business can’t survive. This way people living in the condos can walk to the only surviving business (the Frosty) for a gourmet meal and then return to the plaza and sip wine and eat goat cheese. Great plan.
 One little problem  though…I have a letter signed by most of the business downtown that don’t want any city, redevelopment, or grant monies spent on this Salad Bar spectacular…they simply want a parking lot so they can survive and give the rest of us some lasting variety when we do venture down town…GOT THAT CITY COUNCIL? Listen to those who pay the bills and provide the services.I received most of my info second and third hand so if any of it is wrong someone please let me know…I sure someone will.

Montessori mysteries…Along those same lines I talked to the principal at the Montessori school on Monday (while we were handing out flags to first graders wearing my American Legion hat) to get a couple of questions answered that some guy at the recent CWA dinner asked me…I didn’t understand the stammering, conflicted answers I received (I was then wearing my I.V. hat) and asked her to put her answers in writing…I only asked two questions. 1. Is the charter school part of the DSUS district? 2. Are the school board members elected? (Yet to come are: 3. Why isn’t a copy of the complete budget, including salaries made public and 4. Since they use public funds who do they answer to? Stay tuned for the thrilling results.

    Shocking, Just Shocking…

   Three third graders from Elmira (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.  The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. “Let’s see who has the largest thing,” he says.  “Okay.” They all agree.  The Italian kid shows his.  “That’s nothing,” says the Irish kid. He shows his and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.  Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid, little Timmy from Dixon  (whose mother was a teacher) whips his out. It is by far the biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid’s mother asks him what he did at school today. “Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called ‘Let’s see who has the largest thingy.”  “What kind of game is that, honey?” asks the mother.  “Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our thingys and I had the biggest! The other kids say it’s because I’m a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?”  Mom replies, “No, Honey. It’s because you’re twenty-one”.

    Local Observations

 Anyone want to tell me why there has been no investigation into the former superintendent of schools and the chief financial officer just skipping town leaving the school district millions in the hole and the school board with egg on their face? I have people ask me all the time, “What happened to them?  For their dastardly deeds here are they in jail? Where they ever investigated for wrong doing? Have they ruined their careers?”
 This is the factual answers to all of these questions…you draw your own conclusions.
 Former Dixon Superintendent of Schools Roberta Salinas is now working for the California Department of Education. The district’s former Chief Business official, Susan Rinne now works with Solano Community College…They both resigned their positions here just before the school year started and the mistakes were uncovered…who said there is no justice? Can you say, “Grand Jury Investigation”?

Not true locally…For the first time in history Muslims worldwide out number Catholics…about everywhere I guess but here…that’s a scary scenario setting up folks….remember we (all non-Muslims) are all infidels and need to convert or die…and you thought our door-to-door religious hawkers were insistent.

Reasons Against Regan… Our current (but hopefully not for long) Supervisor Mike Regan is making it sound like he has been working long and hard on the problem of the Dixon Veteran’s Hall (bulls$%#). Actually he did come to Dixon a couple of years ago with other supervisors, make more empty promises and forgot about it until election started getting near. Other members of the board cared more about Dixon’s problems than he did and ordered staff to get something done. In the year he was chairman of the board nothing was done. He has become just another pig feeding off the public trough who quickly forgot just how he got elected…I was one that helped him get elected last time and I want to apologize to all of those I lead astray.

    Speaking Of Politics

I’m reminded of the time that Catherine, one of our granddaughter’s friends, told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats were standing there with us and I asked Catherine: “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?” Catherine replied, “I would give new houses to all the homeless people. Then they would have a place of their own to live.”  “Wow what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.”  I told her, “You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all of the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $15 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.” Catherine (who was about 6) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.”  Welcome to the Republican Party dear!

    Pretty Much Explains It

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was Political Correctness. The winner wrote, “Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

    She Has No Enemies

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady! Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’ 80 per cent held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. ‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’ I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly. ‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’ ‘98.’ she replied. ‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’  The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:  ‘I outlived them.’   #

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This is the 200th

column in a row!

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 Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 Remember Pets Are Animals!

 “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

Dog Bite Follow Up

This is a follow up on the little three-year old Dixon girl who was attacked and had her face mauled by the nine year old family pet. She spent four and one-half hours in emergency surgery and is still recovering at home. It appears her eye sight sustained no permanent damage but there will be some facial scaring. The dog that had been with family members since a pup, and was up-to-date on its shots, finished its 10 day quarantine (imposed by animal control to assure it did not have rabies and is now taking a dirt nap).
The skunk that appeared next to their house a couple of days later, walking down the road in broad day light was shot by the property owner. Animal control picked it up and had it autopsied and found it did not to have rabies.
According to the girl’s father, “All in all it was a horrible experience but could have been much worse I guess. It was hard to see our little girl through this painful experience and hard to have a long time pet put down but we felt this was the only way to make sure there were no more accidents.” He added, “To see a picture of our little girl should be a reminder to all parents who have pets. Sometimes we have a tendency to forget they are animals and all of them can inflict damage to a child (or adult) when just right circumstance occurs. Like everyone else we thought something like this could never happen to us via our well trained pets. We learned the hard way and hopefully you, as a parent, will never have to go through this terrifying anguish… learn your lesson from us and just be aware and a little more careful with your child-pet (or especially animals you don’t know) relationships.”
 

Favorite Blond Joke
 

I get asked occasionally what my favorite blond joke is. Why blond jokes are so popular here I don’t know. I do have one I like better than the dozens and dozens I’ve received. Here it is… At Kaiser Vacaville a gorgeous young Dixon redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’ The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you? ‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’ ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said. ‘Your finger is broken.’
 

The real story of the Alamo

It was the morning of March 25, 1836.  On that fateful day Davy Crockett awakened and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle.  He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the horde of over 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, by any chance are we having some landscaping done today?”
 

S&M Dixon Style

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.  With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.  With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.  If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 left.  But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling refund, (not to the garbage company) you would have had $214 (instead of the garbage company).  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Let people you care about know…and tell them it’s not too late and to start now!
 

From the Email bag

Ted:
  I have four extra tickets to the Robbie Knievel event this weekend at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.  I am unable to attend so anyone who wants them may have them.  First come first served, so to speak.  Robbie is going to attempt to jump 500 politicians with a bulldozer.
J.S., Dixon

 Hi Ted: Don’t know if you saw the article in the Vacaville Reporter recently where the Dixon School Board is seeking legislation to allow them to sell the old School Farm, to bail themselves out of their budget mess.This one really irritates me, knowing that the Measure J funds were intended to build new facilities, including a new school farm, of which there is none at this point…..   Any sale of the old school farm should be solely for the purpose of building the replacement farm, as was originally committed.  Once again the powers that be have made some bad decisions and they are looking at taking from the successful ag program to pay for their troubles. I’m not sure what your position is, but thought it would be worthy reading about in the paper.
Thanks, Kelly Fletcher, Dixon (Ted: I certainly agree with you as most ag folks will I’m sure).
 

Parenting Is A Job

Job Description: This is interesting when presented this way, had we read this first I wonder how many of us may have done it! Author unknown.
Position: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma–Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, whatever.
Job description: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekend s and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. Responsibilities: The rest of your life you must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, or until someone needs $5.  You must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. Possibility for promotion and advancement: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
Previous experience: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and compensation: Get this! You pay them offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
Benefits: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

We Came From Where?

            A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.’ Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’ The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’ The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’
 

Six Truths Of Life
 
 
1. You cannot touch ALL your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first ‘truth’, will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you’re an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don’t care if you lick windows, take the special bus, or occasionally pee
on yourself … You hang in there sunshine, you’re friggin’ special!  
 

Nice Earring Dude

   A man named Tim is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative, macho fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”  “Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.  His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?” ”Ever since my girfriend found it in my truck.”    #

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 Pets Are Animals!

“Have a great day…unless of course you have other plans.”

Pet Attacks Little Girl

You know I joke around a lot and the rest of this column may bring a smile or two to your face but I am as serious as a hear attack with this story and warning. Like a house fire or car wreck a family pet attacking a child seems like the kind of thing that always happens to someone else…until it hits home…pets are, after all, animals.Last week a little three year old girl in the rural area between here and Vacaville was in the barn with her dad and got out some dog food “to feed the puppies.” Dad told her to wait but she didn’t and the big male dog didn’t want the puppies to eat his food and started growling and snapping at them. She stepped in between and tried to kick the big dog away from behind, “To help the puppies.” Instinctively the big dog turned and attacked her knocking her to the ground and biting her face, in blinding speed, at least several times.  She was rushed by ambulance to the UC Med Center where a team of three surgeons and an optomologist gathered at three in the morning. She was then transferred to Kaiser North, the surgeons arrived there and she was in surgery for about four and one-half hours. She came out with many, many stitches a fractured nose and an eye severely damaged…they didn’t know until days later the actual eye received no apparent permanent damage. Everyone from the first responders to the two hospital staffs to the responding surgeons did great professional jobs for this little girl.She is home recovering and the parents asked me to let people know about this as a warning to other but asked to keep her name out of this since all of their friends, relatives and associates already know what happened, and to whom. Her parents would like me to remind everyone that any animal, even pets people have had and trusted since their birth, can revert to the animals they are, even for just a split second, if the circumstances are just right.The dog is under at 10 day mandatory quarantine and Solano County Animal Control is overseeing the process as they are required to do by law on any dog/cat bite where the skin is punctured or even just broken. In this case the dog has had its shots and is being quarantined in a stall in a barn. At the end of the 10 day period the owner a will have their otherwise loving pet put to sleep. Whose fault it was and right or wrong doesn’t matter. The nine year old animal had always been aggressive but protective of the little girl…the parents won’t allow for a second “accident” to occur.

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were an English brunette and redhead, and a blonde from America named Jill. After approximately 14 hours in the water, the brunette staggered up on the shore in France and was declared the fastest.  About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly four hours after that the USA’s blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporter asked why it took her so long to complete the race she replied, * “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”

The real story of the Alamo

It was the morning of March 25, 1836.  On that fateful day Davy Crockett awakened and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle.  He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the horde of over 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, by any chance are we having some landscaping done today?”

          Three local women are chatting about their relationships.  One is engaged, one married, and one a mistress. They decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto’s and mask over their eyes. After a few days the three met again. The engaged Dixon girlfriend: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, six inch stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: ‘you are the woman of my life, I love you’…then we made love all night long.           The mistress from Davis: Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat… he did not say anything…..but we had wild sex all night.
          The one married to a Dixon rancher: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes….my husband comes in from work, opens the door and says: ‘Hi Batman, what’s for dinner?’

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.  With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.  With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.  If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 left.  But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling refund, (not the garbage company) you would have had $214 (instead of the garbage company).  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Let people you care about know…and tell them it’s not too late and to start now!

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run…anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you”?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember where you read this list.
(And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.) #

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“Have a great day…unless of course you have other plans.”

Pet Attacks Little Girl

You know I joke around a lot and the rest of this column may bring a smile or two to your face but I am as serious as a hear attack with this story and warning. Like a house fire or car wreck a family pet attacking a child seems like the kind of thing that always happens to someone else…until it hits home…pets are, after all, animals.
Last week a little three year old girl in the rural area between here and Vacaville was in the barn with her dad and got out some dog food “to feed the puppies.” Dad told her to wait but she didn’t and the big male dog didn’t want the puppies to eat his food and started growling and snapping at them. She stepped in between and tried to kick the big dog away from behind, “To help the puppies.” Instinctively the big dog turned and attacked her knocking her to the ground and biting her face, in blinding speed, at least several times.
She was rushed by ambulance to the UC Med Center where a team of three surgeons and an optomologist gathered at three in the morning. She was then transferred to Kaiser North, the surgeons arrived there and she was in surgery for about four and one-half hours. She came out with many, many stitches a fractured nose and an eye severely damaged…they didn’t know until days later the actual eye received no apparent permanent damage. Everyone from the first responders to the two hospital staffs to the responding surgeons did great professional jobs for this little girl.
She is home recovering and the parents asked me to let people know about this as a warning to other but asked to keep her name out of this since all of their friends, relatives and associates already know what happened, and to whom. Her parents would like me to remind everyone that any animal, even pets people have had and trusted since their birth, can revert to the animals they are, even for just a split second, if the circumstances are just right.
The dog is under at 10 day mandatory quarantine and Solano County Animal Control is overseeing the process as they are required to do by law on any dog/cat bite where the skin is punctured or even just broken. In this case the dog has had its shots and is being quarantined in a stall in a barn. At the end of the 10 day period the owner a will have their otherwise loving pet put to sleep. Whose fault it was and right or wrong doesn’t matter. The nine year old animal had always been aggressive but protective of the little girl…the parents won’t allow for a second “accident” to occur.
While doing some research on the subject I talked to Ron Whitfield, Manager of Animal Care Service for Solano County. It seem as though the “dad” in this case found a skunk wandering down the paved road, right next to his house, in the middle of the day, kind of staggering, a few days after this incident. All rural folks know this could be a sign of rabies. He shot it, called animal control and they came out and picked it up. With an animal under quarantine in the same area a red flag went up and the skunk is being tested for Rabies. They are going to get back to me when the results of the toxicology report are available.
Whitfield said, “There hasn’t been a case of rabies in a dog or cat (who knew cats could get rabies and are vaccinated for the disease like dogs?) since the 1940’s in Solano County. The last rabid skunk was found a few years ago near Rio Vista and three rabid bats were found in the Rio Vista/Fairfield areas in all of 2007.”
He went on to urge people to make sure their dogs and cats have had all of their shots and that they are up to date. He also said if a skunk, possum, raccoon or other wild animal is seen in broad daylight acting unnatural and/or strange, to call his department and they will send an animal control office to check. His office can be reached at 707-784-1356…keep this number somewhere.
The dangerous rabid bats appear here among thousands of harmless ones that migrate from Mexico each year…and with that, going without any additional comment from me, leads into the rest of my column…

Across The Channel…

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were an English brunette and redhead, and a blonde from America named Jill. After approximately 14 hours in the water, the brunette staggered up on the shore in France and was declared the fastest.  About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly four hours after that the USA’s blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporter asked why it took her so long to complete the race she replied, * “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms…”

Last 11 Blond Questions
(Continued from last week…)
12. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned out light bulbs?
A. She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
13. Why are the Japanese so smart?
A. No blondes.
14. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
A. You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
15. What prevented the blonde from learning to water ski?
A. She couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
16. Why was the blonde trapped on an escalator for hours?
A. The power went out.
17. Why couldn’t the blonde call 911?
A. There was no “11″ on any phone button.
18. What was the blonde’s answer when asked, “What is the capital of California”?
A. She answered “Duh, C”.
19. Why can’t blondes make Kool-Aid?
A. Eight cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
20. Why do blondes hate M &M’s?
A. They are so hard to peel.
21. Why did the blonde get hurt while raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree.
22. *Why did the blonde complain after losing in a breast stroke swimming competition?
A. She claimed that the other swimmers cheated by using their arms.
Mad Wife Disease…

Rich was sitting in his favorite chair reading his newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. “Ouch! What the hell was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marry Lou’ written on it!” “Oh, for carp sakes, two weeks ago when I went to the races at Bay Meadows Marry Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on!” he explained. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” she said, “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching a ball game on television when she walked up behind him and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to he asked, “Now what in hell was that for?” She replied, “Your horse called.”

The real story of the Alamo

It was the morning of March 25, 1836.  On that fateful day Davy Crockett awakened and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo where 183 men waited to do battle.  He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.  William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.  These three great men gazed at the horde of over 7000 Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, by any chance are we having some landscaping done today?”

S&M Dixon Style

Three local women are chatting about their relationships.  One is engaged, one married, and one a mistress. They decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto’s and mask over their eyes. After a few days the three met again. The engaged Dixon girlfriend: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, six inch stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: ‘you are the woman of my life, I love you’…then we made love all night long.
The mistress from Davis: Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat… he did not say anything…..but we had wild sex all night.
The one married to a Dixon rancher: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes….my husband comes in from work, opens the door and says: ‘Hi Batman, what’s for dinner?’

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.  With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.  With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.  If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 left.  But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling refund, (not the garbage company) you would have had $214 (instead of the garbage company).  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Let people you care about know…and tell them it’s not too late and to start now!

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run…anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you”?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember where you read this list.
(And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.)

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Put Your Garbage Cans IN  front yard…
     

 “Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription,
   please remove my name from your mailing list.”
    

 Bet You’re A Criminal!

We have a couple of really good proof readers, unfortunately they don’t work for the paper and have no way of telling us about any possible mistakes until after the paper comes out…At least I think this one is a mistake…if not most of you are criminals. According to last weeks Dixon Police Reports, “City Ordinance 9.01.020 (X) requires homes and businesses store, keep or maintain trash cans, refuse cans, recyclable containers and/or other such containers in the front yard area or other visible yard area at times other than the day of collection or prior to 6:00 p.m. of the day prior to the day of collection.”
 I have a call in for Dixon Police Officer Ray Mince to see when the police department is going to start enforcing this new law. (I’m guess it will start with the new campaign that includes wearing bike helmets, not talking on phone while driving, wearing seat belts and not running stop signs which was to began Tuesday (I know, another belated April fool’s joke).  You other folks who have been hassled by your neighbors for leaving your Christmas lights up and leaving your garbage cans out from one collection day to another now have the last laugh I guess…you have been right all along. All of you other folks (my first wife Linda included) who pick your cans up immediately after collection and hide them along side the house may be looking at jail time and/or a fine. If you’ve been hiding your cans I guess you now need to display them proudly in your front yard…have the kids draw flowers or something on them if you find them unsightly.
 I understand this ordinance (talked about behind close doors at city council meetings under the “Green Act”) is known as “the slob ordinance” and has been kept a secrete for years until exposed in last week’s paper. (Somebody on our street called the police department to complain (gee, the neighbors say, like no one could figure out who that was huh?) Then the stuff really started rolling down hill. I was besieged by neighbors pulling “Dixon police Department notification of public nuisance” out of their mail boxes with several yelling at me, “Don’t they have anything better than this to do.” To which I of course answered, “Actually, no they don’t. That’s what code compliance officers do…respond to citizen complaints and hand out notices.” My friends and neighbors didn’t want to hear my logical answer to their rhetorical questions. Probably 90 per cent of our block received this little ticket like things saying, “Garbage containers stored in public view on non-collection day.” My red neck neighbor yelled, “What the hell this town turning into another Davis?” To this I tried to explain some of the differences between the two cities but the natives wanted blood and weren’t interested in me answering their rhetorical quest ions either…they just wanted to bitch to someone. I advised all of them to put their cans on the front yard like the paper said or risk another ticket for NOT having them in view until the authorities figure out if they want to keep an eye on them or they want them to become invisible…no one thought that was too funny or took me seriously…but they did to cool down a little. I found out the code compliance department has issued about 6o pre-tickets so far for this particular violation responding mostly to complaints.  One of the officers told me, “When we investigate a complaint we can’t very well hand out the notices to one person an ignore all of the others in the same area with the same violation”…well at least that makes sense.)
 The next thing you know Officer Mince will  have to go door-to-door to tell the vast majority of folks (in at least two languages) to put their Christmas lights back up because they are making the few lazy folks (who refuse to take them down) look bad…aaah…local government at its finest.

    
     
     Top 22 Blond Questions 

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
    A. You have to hollow out the head.
2. Why won’t they hire blondes as pharmacists?
    A. They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
3. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team? 
    A. They drowned in spring training.
4. Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?
    A. To see what was on the other side.
5. How did the blonde die drinking milk? 
    A. The cow stepped on her.
6. How did the blonde burn her nose? 
    A. Bobbing for French fries.
7. Why do blondes have more fun? 
    A. They are easier to amuse.
8. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? 
    A. Frosted flakes.
9. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde’s ear? 
    A. Data transfer.
10. Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? 
    A. She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born were Chinese.
11. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? 
    A. She wanted everyone to know that she could make up her mind.
(The last 11 will be present next week).

Let’s Talk Wild Turkey
 

Turkey (wild ones, no not the country or that kind of Wild Turkey either) season started last Saturday. This is the next chance for a lot of us outdoors people to have some serious thinking time. After duck season ends, with no more immediate funerals, and quiet time in a stand deer hunting still months away, turkey hunting gives us time for quiet solitude and reflection. A half an hour before sunrise Saturday I, like dozens of other Dixon area folks, was sitting camouflaged in a bunch of knee high grasses behind some brush listening to a dozen or so “toms” gobble and watching them strut. Shortly, when the ruckus died down and everything was quiet I started thinking about just how lucky we are. If you’ve never heard turkeys gobble just before sunrise, heard a bull elk bugle, a cock pheasant cackle, male quail call or the sounds hundreds or thousands of ducks and geese make as they take flight off the water to head for feeding areas…you haven’t really lived.
 You noticed I didn’t say anything about killing anything. I’ve become an outdoor expert on hunting and not killing…not by choice, but that doesn’t matter. I’m also trying to perfect the shoot and release method. “Remember”, I keep telling myself, “It’s the going not the getting” that matters. Good thing we can buy our food at the market.
 The point is you can do all of these things within minutes of Dixon. The Yolo Bypass has the birds, Grizzly Island have the birds and Elk, anywhere in the country has the pheasants and quail and just about anywhere on Gibson Canyon or Pleasants Valley Road just outside of Vacaville, turkeys can be found, seen and heard. By Berryessa are bears (yes black bears that we personally run across several times) bob cats and mountain lions. The sound of an elk bugle and a mountain lion’s scream are two things, if you hear them, that will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and are things you will never forget. I’m hoping to get some details on a Dixon bow hunter who, with his young son in tow, shot a turkey this past weekend up near Lake Berryessa and when he went to retrieve it found it in the mouth of a mountain lion…which reportedly looked at him and his son (with turkey in mouth) put the bird down and walked away…Hopefully I’ll have the story for you shortly.

My Job Is To Get people Talking

Want to know why I get the big bucks to do this column? Because I stimulate de-scussion, de-bate and even de-anger in a few folks. In the past couple of weeks the people involved in the wastewater (that’s sewage, toilet or whatever) assaulted me over the fact that I had the audacity to point out we (the taxpayers) now have to pay about a quarter of a million dollar fine while their drive to save us from ourselves, drags on and on. They of course blame the city, county, state, federal governments, France, Mexico and the UN and claim they are right and everyone else is wrong…could be I suppose BUT YOU STILL GOT US FINED A QUARTER OF A MIL. So email and call again telling me what long hard work you done and the great solutions you’ve come up with and that the state department and their employees overseeing this process are idiots and you deserve a pat on the back. OK, I give up…here. PAT…Pay All Taxpayers back the quarter of a mil you got us fined…Happy now? I acknowledged all of the months of hard work you’ve done and the only visible results you’ve obtained. So now more people are talking more about this and that is good.
 Whose Ox is gored? Along those same lines Jill FIE (fingers in everything) Orr, the President (even though she doesn’t have an actual business downtown) and Dan Ayala (who is paid a lot of money for 20 hours of work a week) both called to ask just what I meant about the Downtown Dixon Business Association (DDBA) not participating in Lambtown.
 I explained very carefully (Jill is blond you know) that the Dixon Unified Merchant/Businessmen have a chance (wait a minute that acronym spells out what?) to get part of the annual Lambtown Festival back downtown by simply sitting down with the Lambtown folks and “getting er dun” (using an Elmira vernacular). That was the point (and still is) of the little piece I wrote. The downtown folks have wanted Lambtown back downtown (sounds like the makings of a hit song) since it left. Now with just the slightest bit of cooperation and willingness to work together it can be made into a two day affair with a “pre-Lambtown” celebration on Friday downtown before the sheep show moves to the fairgrounds on Saturday…Even Jill understood this (after 15 minutes) but was still complaining Lambtown had never invited her to a meeting. You may have heard me yell into the phone, “Jill get over it! Call someone, set a meeting, bury the hatchet (maybe I shouldn’t have said that it could make me an accessory… I’ll have to check with Officer Mince) and concentrate on what’s best for both groups.” I’ll keep you informed of this ongoing curiosity as the exciting details unfold. That’s a total of five people who bitched at last week’s column including my buddy Mike whose stuff appears on the “far right” on this page.  That leaves about 19,995 who either took the pieces for what they were, (part April 1 fodder, part truth) didn’t really care one way or the other, or who don’t read this column. The latest surveys show this column is the most read written piece in this zip code week after week….The survey was done by me sitting at the table outside of Wal-Mart disguised as a heavy set black woman on Tuesday (April 1st got it Jill?)…fooled you didn’t I?       #
        
 

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“Laugh a little each day its better than chicken soup…at least that’s what chicken say.”

Isn’t Easter Early This Year? 

Because I know you asked! Have you looked at your calendar for this month? If so, did you notice how early Easter is this year (March 23)? As you may or may not know, Easter is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar. I found out a couple of other things you might be interested in! Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare. Even rarer is having St Patrick’s Day and Easter in the same week.
This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier!
Here’s the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you’re 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!..Hoppy Easter Everyone!