July 22nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #631 (7-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

We Lost Dick Reeser July 10th


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             Any of these guys look familiar?

            Linda and I joined over 160 people Monday in an SRO Methodist Church to say goodbye to another involved citizen, Dick Reeser, whose now winged his way to his final resting place. I had mention Dick and I went “way back” but I forgot how far back until I saw this photo at the service. It was our championship Western Auto softball team a while back. Dick is the far right (in more ways than one) guy in the top row. Can anyone ID any of the others? We’re guessing it was more than a few years ago.

Anyway Dick was a Veteran just short of his 83rd birthday and over the years was involved in about everything. He was probably best remembered from the old days as the “Rainbow Bread” deliverer and then for his involvement in many of the local clubs, like the Lions, and his involvement in Vet organization’s matters and local sports. Whatever. He had a lot of fans and they packed the now 150 year old historic church to say farewell.

We’ve been to too many of these things lately I wish good people would stay with us a little longer and we could let the dirtballs take their places.

 

Local Products Manages Properti2016-722ePictured left to right: Mellissa Williams (a 1999 DHS grad too,) Karlie Ocenasek, Kimi Blaine and AriyanaSmith of Crown Realty property management in Vacaville at their open house Tuesday in Vacaville.

          Many of you DHS grads may remember Karlie Costa (now Mrs. Ocenasek with two kids) from her Dixon days graduating from DHS in 1999, how about Mellissa Williams? You regular readers know I like to write things about Dixon folks trying to make a living in the business world today and that I’m really partial to the mom and pop type folks. Karlie is now working for Crown Realty in the Vacaville office doing property management which she has been into for several years. She’s been a Dixon Toys for Tots volunteer for many years.

          So if you have a rental, or a bunch of them, and are tired of all the crap, give Karlie a ring at 707-469-0880 Ext 162 or email her at kocenasek@cr4ownpm.com. They take care of everything, all the problems, repairs etc., and just send you a check or make a deposit into an account for you… No more 2 a.m. hassles about the toilet or frantic calls at 10 p.m. about the doorbell not working … they do all of that. If we hadn’t tired of all the petty problems and still had our rentals, I would sure use her and her company… they can even find and screen potential clients for you and have 24 hour emergency repairs service!

 

Local Product Does Air & Heating Help

          Your air conditioner stops blowing cold are and its 200 degree outside and not much cooler inside… who do you gonna call, heatbusters?  A lot of companies will send out someone to check your system and then try to sell you a new one… That’s the way the business works… But now comes along Stephen Niemann another DHS grad (1990) who has found a specialty niche providing service and maintenance of your heater and air conditioning without trying to sell you a new one… He doesn’t sell or have them to sell. If he can’t fix it and you need help getting a new one he can guide you to reputable choices. He came out recently when our’s was on the fritz and I was dreading the “Got thousands, you need a new one,” or “Your gadget is warped and we can fix it for only $1,500.”

What we got instead was a big fuse had gone south, he plunked a new one in and hallelujah we had cool air again.  You need to have your unit checked periodically for both winter summer use. He is especially tune into senior citizens and their needs… So if you have air conditioning or heater need call him at 707-205-7041 or email at niemannhvac@gmail.com.

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*Mixing up “your” with “you’re” just because they sound similar is like confusing “catastrophe” with “cat ass trophy”.

*If an illegal alien fought a pedophile would it be considered “Alien vs. Predator”?

*Isn’t it amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car… yet are unable to use a lawnmower, dishwasher or vacuum cleaner?

*I would love to be able to offer you moral support… but my morals are somewhat questionable.

*If dueling suddenly made a comeback some of these politically correct fools would find themselves being a whole lot less “offended”. 

*I’m applying for a grant to study the relationship between women who used vibrators… and their children that stutter.

*So it turns out that as an adult you can eat chocolate cake for breakfast if you want… there is literally no one policing this!*I’m applying for a grant to study the relationship between women who used vibrators… and their children that stutter.

*As I admired my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Nordstrom’s any second now”.

*The word “politics” is derived from the word “poly”, meaning many… and the word “ticks” referring to blood-sucking parasites.

*We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today… we removed all the phone booths so superman has no place to change!

*Today I was the only one on the elevator when a real fox got on whilst on her phone.  She told her friend, “I gotta go, there’s a really cute guy on the elevator.”… Before I could react she said “Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her”.

*Damn! I’m such a fun, lovable guy the doctor gave me a special jacket so’s I can hug myself!

*I’m not sure how many problems I actually have… because math is one of them.

*If a woman is always right, and a man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman she’s right… is the man right or wrong?

*The pollen counts are so high this spring the tweekers are all trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

*My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

*Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.

*I’ve been informed that recently rumors have been circulating that I am very sexy and just fabulous… these rumors, I’m afraid to say, are absolutely true.

*A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is the same thing as your dentist saying “this won’t hurt a bit”.

*One way to determine if you’ve crossed the threshold from young to old is to fall down in front of a group of people… if they laugh at you you’re still young, but if they panic you’re old.

*Dipshidiot:  today’s word of the day. One who is both a dips**t and an idiot all rolled into one package, with a habitat in any major corporation’s administrative offices.

*As a healthcare professional I would suggest always taking a Prozac with your Viagra… that way, if it doesn’t work, you don’t care.

*A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s… because she changes it more often.

*Why did the Mexican take Xanax…for hispanic attacks!

*My idea to call our weekend bicycling group “the pedalphiles” was not well received at all.

*Every day I worry about getting bit by a spider.  I’m not afraid of spiders; mind you… I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

*There’s a sign posted in this restroom that says to flush nothing other than toilet paper down the toilet… now I’m unsure how to proceed.

*I think I’m becoming more mature, finally… now when I watch SpongeBob I find I identify more with Squidward.

*Sir Isaac newton was the most famous member of the family… until his son fig came along.

*If I could time travel I wouldn’t waste time going back and eliminating a baby Hitler or Stalin… but I would at least be able to use every witty comeback that I thought of 10 minutes too late.

 

Follow Up From Last Week’s Photo

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As a follow up to last week’s photo about me not having sex with this woman and that fact I had “mis-spoken”…  word has it she wanted to know what else I had to say…To end this possible illegal texting and conservation I just sent back a two word answer… “Bite me!” …Maybe a bad choice of words looking at those choppers.

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July 15th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #630 (7-15-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns




Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

For all features and  photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Black Vs Blue = *Bruised

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          From what I’m hearing…. Everyone has an opinion on the two black guys being shot… not so much about the dozens that are killed daily by other blacks… Just these two swell young men.  Although everyone has an opinion about the black guy cowardly shooting and killing five white police officers and wounding many others, no one is sponsoring a protest march and the liberal media is not even mentioning it. Instead the media spends its time making news by promoting racial hatred just like your president did Wednesday on national television.

He, your POTUS, horned in on the ceremony to honor the fallen five, and wounded others, and your president mentioned at least three times the white police shooting two black guys… Just like he did in a few others carefully selected shootings he was using to support gun control. He popped off half cocked, waiting for the teleprompter, about the trouble between the police and minorities without even having any facts of the ongoing investigations to determine what really happened. What POTUS is supporting and promoting is “blacklash. That’s my term for this mess.

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Anyone else wonder how the one guy’s girlfriend could sit calmly in the car, seconds after the shooting and  put an anti-cop piece on  Facebook while her friend lay dying right next to her as she calmly said they knew they’re “rights”?

          He. TPOTUS, didn’t even really talk much about the fallen officers but hinted at the weapon being the cause and never mentioned, of course, that it was a black guy who murdered them. He further fanned the flames of racial hatred and the media again spit out this crap while continuing to cover the “protests” and fanning the flames. Every day in Chicago, Obama’s old stomping grounds, blacks kill blacks… forget the fact they have the strictest gun laws in the country.

 

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(Photo: Heidi Smith, second from left, with her daughters, Victoria, left, and Caroline, center, at the funeral of her husband, Sgt. Michael J. Smith, on Wednesday in Dallas. CreditPool photo by Andy Jacobsohn)

          A couple times a week a law enforcement officer is shot or killed somewhere in this country…Ever heard of a protest or a riot, or looting, or groups trying to injure riot control law enforcement persons trying to do their job… of course not.

         I have one suggestion that I want everyone to take to heart: All of you protesters who hate the cops… when you or your loved ones are being shot at, raped, bludgeoned, beat up, assaulted or whatever… call one of your fellow protesters to come quickly and save your ass No? Why not? You hate the police whose full time duty is to protect us and put their lives on the line each and every time they put on the uniform… But the cops are bad; right? The guns are bad… not the law breaking thugs. They are always such wonderful people after they are dead… Again; right? Call your protesting friends for help… it will be better for you and us.

         Your president and the media is slanted the wrong direction but the sad fact is if any of these lamebrains in the media, protesters or any of your president’s ilk call for help guess who will be there ASAP to enforce the laws of the land… It will be your all of a sudden buddy from the local law enforcement.

Were the police right or wrong? Investigations by all local, state and federal agencies will determine that. Was the black shooter of the Dallas police officers right or wrong…? No doubt about that, but where’s the news fueled protests? Where’s the daily follow up on the families of the slain officers? Channel 3 out of Sacramento ran a piece Tuesday on the son of one of the dead thugs… The young boy, to his credit, called for peaceful protests. The editorializing news readers at Channel 3 and the editorializing news readers on Channels 10 and 13 are no better… Not an interview of a family member of the slain policer officers…just a daily follow-up to promote more protests and riots trying to make the news and not just report it; shameful… Just how sick has this country become? We’re *bruised, not broken, but we need a leader to heal us, not hurt us as a people… Like your current president is doing…  Amen brothers and sisters I’m through preaching.

Yes I am and will be pro law enforcement and here’s some advice for anyone of any color if you want to keep from getting shot… Do what you are told to do… period. Be a show off or macho dude some other time in some other place.

  1. Keep your hands in site and do what you are told when you are told to do it. If something isn’t to your liking file a report with the police department, court or DA’s office.
  2. Don’t have a replica BB gun in your household for any reason and don’t make any threats or mention gun if you get stopped. Just shut the hell up, answer the questions, keep your hands in sight, and do what you’re told… Many problems today are coming about because people “know their rights”… right. These Mensa scholars don’t even know how to keep from avoiding trouble… Many are looking for it.
  3. Avoid into getting into an interaction with law enforcement in the first place. If you are profiled so what? If you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide go with the program and everyone goes home no worse for wear.

From The Email Bag…Ouch! New Social Security Checks

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Ted: F.Y.I.  By changing the name of SSC contributions it gives them a means to refute this program in the future. It’s free money for the government to spend under this guise. It is really sad to think that most people will just roll over and accept this as if there is nothing that can be done, but maybe there is if we make a little noise about our displeasure with what they have done to today’s retirees.   I will pass this on you be part of the one percent to forward this.

The Social Security check is now (or soon will be) referred to as a “Federal Benefit Payment”? The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a “Federal Benefit Payment.”

This isn’t a benefit. It is our money paid out of our earned income! Not only did we all contribute to Social Security but our employers did too. It totaled 15% of our income before taxes. If you averaged $30K per year over your working life, that’s close to $180,000 invested in Social Security.

If you calculate the future value of your monthly investment in social security ($375/month, including both you and your employers contributions) at a meager 1% interest rate compounded monthly, after 40 years of working you’d have more than $1.3+ million dollars saved! This is your personal investment. Upon retirement, if you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $39,318 per year, or $3,277 per month.

That’s almost three times more than today’s average Social Security benefit of $1,230 per month, according to the Social Security Administration. (Google it – it’s a fact).

And your retirement fund would last more than 33 years (until you’re 98 if you retire at age 65)! They took our money and used it elsewhere. They forgot (oh yes, they knew) that it was OUR money they were taking. They didn’t have a referendum to ask us if we wanted to lend the money to them.  And they didn’t pay interest on the debt they assumed. And recently they’ve told us that the money won’t support us for very much longer. (Isn’t it funny that they NEVER say this about welfare payments?)

But is it our fault they misused our investments?  And now, to add insult to injury, they’re calling it abenefit”, as if we never worked to earn every penny of it.

Let’s take a stand. We have earned our right to Social Security and Medicare. Demand that our legislators bring some sense into our government. Find a way to keep Social Security and Medicare going for the sake of that 92% of our population who need it. Then call it what it is:  Our Earned Retirement IncomeJ.S. Dixon

 

I did have sex with this woman…

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… Wait a minute I “mis-spoke” I did not have sex with this woman… ooops, wait another moment I “mis-spoke” again… I would not have sex or anything else with this woman… I just goosed her…That’s why the look on her enhanced face…there! I spoke good this time huh? I’m getting this Clinton-speak down pretty good and we’ve got a long way to go until November.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Apparently “occupants” are not eight-legged trousers for octopi.

*At Sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken… this week it was my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

*If smoking weed destroys your short term memory… than what does smoking weed do?

*Our forefathers fought against British rule so that anyone could become president… for the first time in 240 years

We’re regretting that decision.

*I don’t get asked out on a date very often… but when I do it’s always April 1.

*What’s it called when you decide to abruptly stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

*God, creating pigeons: “Make them pace back and forth… like lawyers.”

*You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse”… the moment you said “he” my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

*Instead of waiting on me to better myself… maybe you ought to just lower your expectations.

*After 50 years of marriage my wife still makes me smile… usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

*Getting a job might be a little easier if I stopped using Jack Daniels as a personal reference.

*The Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to the orange… right behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say bananas” knock-knock joke.

*My friends were surprised I bought a used gynecological exam table, but it’s perfect! I can see the TV right between my legs!

*Everyone has their own happy dance… but yours looks more like a seizure.

*I’m going to buy some cheese and put it behind a sheet of glass with a sign that says “in Queso emergency, break glass.”

*My granddaughter asked me if trees poop and I told her “of course they do”… she seemed a little dubious so I further explained, “Why do you think they call them “number 2″ pencils?”

*Bernie’s not quitting… hard to imagine that a man that wants free college for everyone has a hard time facing reality.

*I have this crazy fear of speed bumps… but I’m slowly getting over it.

*I’m taking my first trip to Washington, D.C., really looking forward to seeing where all the nothing happens.

 

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July 9th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #629 (7-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Dixon Has The SolutionA Triple Header!

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With all of the problems in the world today little old Dixon has the solution to peace and tranquility… a third auto parts store… right here in non- River City. If you wondered what was springing up like a mushroom on North First Street (south, across from the 99 cent store) it is a brand spanking new Auto Zone parts store… just a couple of hundred yards from O’Rileys and Napa auto parts stores… You know when the chips are down you just can’t have enough auto parts stores. If the city took a survey I bet the top of the list of people’s wish list would be for another auto parts store…

What do these big businesses think… everybody in Dixon has a car or truck or two or three jacked up in their driveways because we can’t get parts?

A Knew Language!

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You knew it was coming right? It’s called Clintoneese… you know, from the Whitehouse:  “I did not have sex with that woman”… (-she had sex with me). Now his counterpart and wife says: “I did not have any top secrete emails on my personal email” (now she “didn’t lie” her words were, get this, “mis-spoken”).

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Bill grins and gets away with it. Hil-liery just keeps attacking Trump to  divert public attention away from any talk of criminal charges and keep the true believers in tow while she and her husband pocket millions and preach to the poor how unfair it is they can’t share in the wealth… of all the moneyed people…except her and Bill…who are pocketing millions. Go figure. How dumb can people be?

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They put your POTUS back in for a second term and he’s now using millions of our dollars to fly around the country campaigning for Hil-liery saying electing her would continue his programs. He’s saying “No one is better qualified to be President of the United States…” For carp’s sake, you can’t get dumb downed any further than that.

BTW: SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A Naval reservist was sentenced for mishandling classified military materials. A federal attorney announced that Bryan Nishimura of Folsom, California, pleaded guilty to the unauthorized removal and retention of classified materials. Nishimura, deployed in Afghanistan in 2007 and 2008 as a regional engineer, admitted to downloading classified briefings and digital records onto his personal electronic devices. He carried the materials off base and brought them back to the U.S. when his deployment ended. An FBI search of Nishimura’s home turned up classified materials, but did not reveal evidence he intended to distribute them. He was sentenced to two years of probation and a $7,500 fine, and was ordered to surrender his security clearance. He is barred from seeking a future security clearance. Interesting huh? No one’s been charged for doing what she’s done? WTF folks?

 

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Ca.The Land Of Fruits, Nuts and Idiots

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I admit I might make up some things sometimes but this is the gospel, right out of the dumbass attorney and stupid judge’s handbook. Remember back 2012 when voters passed Prop 35 by a whopping 81% of the vote, the most popular initiative (more than 10,000,000 voted for it) in California’s history? Of course you don’t, I didn’t either. Three of the seven provisions were:

  1. Higher prison terms for human traffickers, to hold these criminals accountable.
  2. Require convicted human traffickers to register as sex offenders, to prevent future crimes.
  3. Require all registered sex offenders to disclose their internet accounts, to stop predators online.

But that’s not the point. The 9th U.S. (Obama’s) Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in 2013 parts of the measure violated the free speech of some 73,000 sex offenders who had served their prison terms. Your state elected officials voted to make the reporting requirement of convicted sex fiends a, probably should do, for all of those convicted of a felony after Jan.1, 2017… It goes on and on in detail… but what’s the use? The abnormal, immoral, perverted, kinky and just plain awful people win another round… WTF people, I mean WTF?

 

More Things For Thought

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*Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files if president. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if he’s elected… connect the dots, people. 

*Today I learned that pouring water on someone sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… it will only piss them off.

*I used to consider myself indecisive… but lately I’m not so sure.

*Do you mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t men two idiots doing the exact same thing at the same time? 

*When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich I usually have an ice cream salad.

*I cried because my internet was slow… until I saw a guy talking to his family because he had no internet at all.

*If someone is taking my time to tell me about their problems… I’d sure as hell better be the cause of them.

*Pigeons treat their ability to fly much like I treat my ability to run.

*Please pardon the mess. The damn cat startled me… and I threw my dinner into the ceiling fan.

*I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack… waiting for me in the fridge at home.

*Just one of my many excuses for gaining weight is that it’s just too hard to carry around this much awesome in a standard sized body.

*One of the things on my bucket list is to figure out how to place a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker on a goose.

*Taco stains on my white polo shirt is my mating call.

*I think I would have made an excellent caveman… because I can finger paint and start fires.

*Wow! Finally got a little time away from the grand kids, two whole hours… it could have been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

*When someone tells me “I think of you as family” I assume I’m going to be hollered at for something that happened years ago.

*”Daddy, I don’t want to grow up and die”… “Awwww. Sweetie, you can die at any age, really”.

*My doctor told me I could get back to my college weight without dieting or counting calories… just go for a brisk 300-mile walk every morning. 

*You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend… it will happen.  Just give it time.

*I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of my dentist and he would still blame it on the fact I don’t floss enough.

*I went line dancing last night.  Well, actually it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing.

*I’m really sorry I threw rice at the coffin… I don’t get invited too much.

*I’m so lazy… I thought about looking at the super moon but then decided 2033 isn’t that far away.

*Ladies, not every guy who talks to you is trying to seduce you… some of us know you have snacks in your purse.

*The wife was looking at a photo of our large extended family and asked “whose funeral was this taken at?”……..my only response was “let’s look and see who’s missing.”

*I think my life would have possibly turned out differently if I’d forwarded those chain letters in the ’80’s.

*Years ago we took the boys and went to an authentic Vietnamese place… the wife and I had Pho, while the boys sewed Nikes.

*Accidentally played dad, instead of dead, when I encountered a bear… now he can ride a bike without training wheels.

*St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

*I told my wife a husband is like a fine wine.  He gets better with age… the next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

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July 1st 2016
That’s Life©1966 #628 (7-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What Could Be More American…?

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            With the 4th upon us what could be more American than your president just creating (on his own) the first national monument to gay rights. The Stonewall Inn beer joint in Greenwich Village, New York, is now to be called the Stonewall National Monument and covers a 7.7 acre park… and is now part of the National Park Service. Your POTUS said, with a straight face (no pun intended) this monument would “Tell the story of our struggle for LGBT rights”. “Our”? So he’s made a gay beer joint one of our national monuments…what a legacy… Is he a great president or what? Its true check it out.

 

Fourth Of July Monday
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            Being one of the initial supporters of having “Safe and Sane” fireworks available for Dixon families we, Linda and I (& Dixon Toys for Tots) have spent each 4th in the plywood box filled with gunpowder, in 100 degree weather, selling fireworks in cooperation with the Dixon American Legion bunch. Same thing this year.

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We and our people will be there all day on the 3rd from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. and from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the 4th. For this effort we get 1/7th of the profits from the sale to kick off our 50th annual Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs fund drive. And the Legion kicks in more money each Christmas too… So stop by this booth anytime and buy your explosive stuff and we’ll get part of the money from it… Or stop by on the 3rd or 4th   and buy some more stuff and say hi.

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NRA Dinner Next Friday

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Sorry but you have never had a really great, group prepared, fresh cut, New York steak dinner until you’ve had one at a Dixon NRA dinner. Your chance will be here next Friday, July 8. If you’ve never been to one, and there are any tickets left, you should try to attend. There will be a couple of dozen guns in the big raffles plus dozens of other prizes, and the auction, for even more cool sportspeople stuff.

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            The Dixon Game Club puts on the fund raiser for the NRA and in turn it has been getting yearly grants from the organization to help with the club’s and youth shooting sports.  Tickets ($60 each) can be obtained by calling Ed at 707-678-2777. Or purchased at Buds Bar and Grill in Dixon… while they last. Linda and I will be at the door and at various other spots working the event… so make sure to say hello.

Good News… Bad News

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Last Sunday my neighbor and fishing partner, Shane Nichols, hit Lake Berryessa at first light… and there was hardly a boat on the entire lake. All the way over to the narrows… not a boat or a person… “Spooky,” Shane said, “I wonder if there’s been some sort of toxic something happen we didn’t hear about?” Not a person and not a boat for hours… Nada, no fish either, it was eerie. About 9 a.m. when it was getting hot I got the only real bite of the day fishing a plastic worm, on a drop off, and caught the biggest bass of my life; 24 inches and 6 plus pounds. I’ve caught literally hundreds of black bass recently. Shane and I have been averaging about 50 bass a trip in recent weeks in the delta… but nothing like this hog… It took a while to land. Then we looked around and still no boats. About 10 a.m. rented houseboats started chugging towards Markley (that now gouges you $20 to launch on weekends).

Then the ski nuts started getting up and as the sun started towards high noon the lake became busy. We had planned to get out before it got too hot so we headed in just as the hordes descended on the lake.

The launch ramp saw many individuals in semi-organized chaos… with only two lanes and A LOT of people trying to put in and get out at the same time. There was a BIG line launching (at high noon in the oppressive heat) and a somewhat smaller line waiting to get out. Markley closed the closest ramp so you have to go way around to the other one, walk back up a half a mile and park and then walk back. Surprisingly we saw no hassles… but it was early and the drinking hadn’t really gone gonzo yet. We can’t imagine what it would be like towards dark… and to tell you the truth we don’t really want to know. Nor do we want to be there when the drunks and the family boaters all try to get their boats out of the two lane ramp, slapping mosquitoes, and taking care of tired sunburned children. We will never go to Berryessa or Markley on a weekend in the summer EVER AGAIN. You don’t want to either. If you have to go to the lake, drive around to the back side to launch.

Good news for me was I caught my personal best black bass and the bad news was… It was a friggin zoo once the Saturday night hangover crew started arriving and zip skiing all over the lake… in competition with the families pulling the kids on boards or tubes… it was scary.

 

More Things For Thought

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*A truck full of Viagra was stolen today… Dixon police have asked the public to be on the alert for a group of hardened criminals.

*Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us it’s ok to eat before bed and throughout the night.

*No, you may not “axe” me a question… I don’t speak Wal-Mart.

*When someone tells you they cut their own hair… it’s only polite to act surprised.

*I thought I saw Jesus in a piece of toast this morning but after a good deal of study I’ve decided I was wrong… it’s just a fellow who looks an awful lot like Him.

*The woman wearing yoga pants walking in front of me keeps bending over and picking up quarters.  Hope she’ll do it for dimes too… I’m out of quarters.

*Just saying “yes” to something is boring… so I’ve changed my response to “Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti”.

*I’ve found that it’s not pride that comes before a fall… rather it’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table I’d completely forgotten about.

*You really can’t fix stupid… but you can numb it with a 2×4.

*This guy on social media posted a picture of his baby with the caption “First Easter”…..no way!  We’ve had nearly 2000 of them; we’re not starting over for this little stooge!

Don’t judge!  Perhaps I’m just conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on the human body…..you don’t know!

*I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society… no one ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

*I don’t understand, but I also don’t care… so it all works out.

*Look mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 40 is too old to be living with your parents… but it’s not going to help us find my iguana any faster.

*I’m always amused by the saying “say no to drugs”… if you’re talking to drugs it’s probably too late to say no.

*Whenever I go for a run I meet new people… like paramedics.

*New parents tell you their newborns weight because they have no other information… they can’t say “Meet Caleb, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”

*If I have a panic attack I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…….and drink all the bourbon inside.  It seems to help.

*Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in tide…it was too cold out tide!

*Donald Trump looks like the kinda guy that would dribble a basketball with two hands.

*What manner of evil contract must I make with the devil in order to get these eye drops INTO my eyes?

*I was stuck in horrible bumper-to-bumper traffic… but fortunately someone started honking their horn so we should be moving soon.

*Damn!  Woke up ugly again!

*The percentage of religious people in society is declining… because when they kneel by the bed to pray that’s when the monsters get them.

*Patience:  Something you have when there are too many witnesses.

*It’s a real milestone when your sweetheart feels comfortable enough to cut one when you’re in the room… unfortunately that room was my parent’s kitchen.

*Whoever thought up the spelling of the word “queue” is steuepid.

*The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding a way to work it into every single conversation you have.

*Today’s lunch: Two thick, greasy pan-fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown potato casserole, and peach cobbler… then a quick defibrillation and two stents.

*I was a guinea pig in a recent scientific study… or at least I thought I was until the LSD wore off.

 

 
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June 24th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #627 (6-24-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Most Injured Body Parts From Fireworks…

2016-624

…Just be careful!

 

Safe And Sane…
1z

          Safe and Sane… those are the key words here. Dixon is going into its 6th year of selling the LEGALSafe and Sane” fireworks and the booths have just popped up like mushrooms.

We, Dixon Toys for Tots, have been involved in the sales since day one and have fully supported the effort which has netted our group thousands of dollars working with the American Legion. The Legion has had the booth at Safeway each year and  our people work one day and a bit on the 4th for our 1/7 share of the profit.

We were drawn on our own this year but gave up our spot at WalMart to the Historical Society/Sorptomist; two of our supporters. We demand way too much time from our volunteers at Christmas to ask them to take even more vacation in the summer to help us. Linda, me, and our people will be in the booth at Safeway all day on the 3rd  (10 to 10) and from 11a.m.  to 2 p. m. on the 4th… stop by the plywood box filled with gunpowder in 100 + degree weather to say the usual, “Damn its hot, you guy are nuts” and buy some goodies for you and the littler kids… Neighbors shooting off the big stuff or anything that goes into the air… Call the PD or FD and turn them in (anonymously if you wish) before they burn down or damage your home, car or kid.

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Food Truck Gatherting Tonight

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            Tonight, Friday, the “Food Truck Mania” will again descend upon Dixonittes (or Dixontonians or Dixiecups, or whatever) with about a dozen food trucks serving a variety of ethnic foods at reasonable prices. The will operate from 5 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at Hall Park just south of the swimming pool. Mad dogs, Englishmen and food truck treckies come out in the late day 90’s sun. The food  is worth a trip if you’ve never been and if you’ve been there before… theeey’re baaack.

 

You Gotta Love Beniciaians

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            The BMFCS Benicia Movement For Common Sense (I made that up) has raised enough of a ruckus about their hometown big employer Valero wanting to build a compound big enough to swallow two 50 car trainloads a day carrying up to 70,000 barrels each day of crude oil… You know the kind that blows up and pollutes the air and water and fries whatever’s near it. A half-a- dozen organizations are fighting it and yea for the the Benicia Planning commission which had the balls to unanimously oppose it. Valero is saying they are under the federal rule and local government has nothing to say about it (Obamaspeak).The city council decided on a 3-2 vote (can you say campaign funding?) to wait until its Sept. 20th meeting to make any decisions… Remember in today’s Obama federal kingdom reign what his people want goes…

Why should you care what the down county Benicianians do? BECAUSE THE 100 CARS A DAY OF THE TOXIC, HIGHLY FLAMABLE OIL WILL BE COMING RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR CITY. I asked your city council to oppose it and all I got was a “Do you know how much Valero does for the income of Benicia and Solano County” or some such garbage. Who gives a rat’s patoot how much some people are making off the stinky oil if its used to cook a major part of our town in a derailment… Huh? Answer me that.

 

My Weekly Readers

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From “Sitemeter”… it shows 193,299 reads of this column’s on-line version under tedhickman.com. I get a weekly update showing where the readers are from and basically they come from everywhere we’ve traveled hunting and fishing and on vacation… that covers a lot of the planet. So I looked yesterday and in the past couple of weeks this column has been read in: Pomona, Mountain View, Los Angeles, San Bernardino, Palo Alto, Los Molinos, Roseville, Rocklin, etc. just in California. Other spots are: Lincoln R.I. Limoges, France, Conroe Texas, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Overland Park, Kansas, Centerville, South Dakota, Portland, Oregon, Abermant, Alabama, Beijing (3) China, Mount Laurel, New Jersey, Taiwan, Akron, Ohio, Vejle, Denmark, Baku, Baki, Azerbaijan (wtf?) Blumenau, Brazil, Union, Iowa, Mount Laurel, New Jersey, Spring Grove, Penn., Oneonta, New York, Toronto, B.C. and Montréal, Canada, Moulineaux-Haute, Normandie the list goes on and on with Sacramento, Reno and other nearby spots too… The point? Don’t think I have one set of readers from the 5 to 6,000 copies of the paper here… I just found it interesting (and was surprised) that people elsewhere read this, and without knowing me and my sense of humor… What must they think about some of the stuff my keyboard writes!

 

More Things For Thought

2016-5-20-5

*Global warming is apparently real. The number of hot chicks coming into work has greatly increased since 2007… that cannot just be coincidence.

*Yes, your baby might be adorable… but so is my dog but he cleans his own butt.

*I run like the winded.

*“You do realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhone, right?”… Apparently the wrong response to my grandson’s homemade gift he gave me for Father’s Day.

*They make gluten-free communion wafers now… I guess they represent the beach-body of Christ.

*The fact that I have a larger selection of clothing to sleep in than to go out in says a lot about me.

*Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home… it only fills the parents with hope.

*I won the lottery!  So the hell with all of you… sorry, just practicing.

*Sometimes I think I’m too picky… then I watch my dog try to find a place to poop.

*You know you’ve got a weight problem when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

*For something fun to do walk into a flower shop and ask to see the Chlamydias… that one never gets old.

*Biology is the only science where multiplying and dividing are the same damn thing.

*True love is waking up next to your partner and thinking “I could smother her with a pillow, or fix breakfast.”… ”Ok, pancakes it is!”

*I wonder if gorillas in other zoos have started setting crap on fire and looting the gift shops?

*I’m adopting a healthier lifestyle… so I parked the car and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

*Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I understand your pain and it’s gonna be ok, here’s a beer… and two million dollars.”

*Learning English is hard but it can be taught… through tough thorough thought though.

*Getting off is good. Getting laid is good… getting laid off is bad.

*Marriage:  a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can’t take care of himself.

*Was Barry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gaye… these are things that make Stevie Wonder.

*I’ve been doing so poorly with the ladies lately I met a girl who was both a nymphomaniac and bisexual… and she told me I wasn’t her type!

*I miss being a kid when my only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot… and someone else was in charge of my hair.

*I would bet that all those girls who ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

*When the wife does our granddaughter’s hair, “how about a double-French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”… when I did her hair, “how ‘bout a hat?”

*Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder… and then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over myself.

*Before you speak, listen.  Before you act, think.  Before you give up, try… before you use a restroom check to be sure there’s paper.

*If I had 10 cookies and you took half do you know what you would have… that’s right.  A black eye and probably a broken hand.

*I want someone I can share my entire life with… who will leave me alone most of the time.

*As a child I lived by a very simple philosophy… if you’re not barefoot then you’re overdressed.

*I hate it when people eating yogurt go apes*** for 15 minutes scraping the container for every last bit… for Cripes sakes, its yogurt, not cocaine!

*Auto correct has yet to figure out how often I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

 

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WE ARE ONE OF THE FEW INDEPENDENT VOICES LEFT IN AMERICA!

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June 17th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #626 (6-17-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Here We Go…

2016-06-17b

You know what an oxymoron is right? Then you should also know what a moron is when you see or hear one… or two. Take Ba-rack and Hi-lie-ry these past few days. Now I’m not making this up, I couldn’t. Both have said, with a straight face that it is wrong to blame Muslims for the actions of a few…But then speaking with the other face they blame and want to punish all legitimate gun owners for the actions of a very few… see a problem with this? If not, you are part of the problem. It’s like me saying my computer keyboard is responsible for what’s written here. It isn’t… I am. The guns didn’t kill the night clubbers, the whacko American/Muslim Extremist wannabe did.

Him, or her, their whole shtick is to disarm law abiding Americans so only government approved, armed and monitored Muslim security guards have weapons Make sense to you?

Here in California it is even worse with the tree hugging, liberal San Francisco types elected to state office. They now want to make you register to buy ammo… Like the bad guys are going to do that right? These brilliant minds figure if you can’t ban firearms ban the ammo… Duh, ever heard of Reno you dips**ts?

I have a couple of questions for many of you who are either anti-gun or kind of on the fence.

#1. What could have happened if there had been a CWP person in Orlando when nutso started blasting away? Answer: Many deaths could have been avoided by dropping the Muslim Radical Extremist dead in his track, with dead being the operative word here.

#2. Do you really think disarming the law abiding American citizens (knowing that hunters in this country, something like 80 million, who have more weapons and outnumber most countries armed forces) will stop the bad guys from killing, robbing, raping and pillaging? If so, quit reading this and go back to your happy place.

 

2016April15c

#3. Here are some undeniable facts: The government and police cannot protect you and your family. The can respond after the fact and take a report and maybe make an arrest. The fact is you better be ready to defend you home and loved ones and to do that you need to have personal protection. The only thing I recommend (for the 10th time) is a home protection shotgun loaded with 00B… no, not OObama BS but double ought buckshot.

If and when you or your family finds themselves in real danger in your own home you can end the threat quickly. It doesn’t take much skill, just very little training, and the bad guys can’t duck double ought buck… trust me on this one. A pistol for home protection… in most cases not a good idea. You have to be good enough both mentally and skill-set wise to use one under stressful conditions and 99 per cent of our citizens just aren’t prepared for this.

Pulling the trigger on a shot gun? Anyone, of any size or age can do that as a last resort and bring a bad situation to a quick and better ending. Every member of our family from the youngest to the oldest knows how to safely handle and fire a full range of weapons from pistols to long guns to shotguns.

Really what I’m saying is that I am calling for all hunters and all Veterans to get a CWP and have a firearm nearby or on your person at all times. They, along with everyone else should have a self-defense shotgun, (shorter barrel than a hunting one) in their bedroom, close at hand each night in their homes. When it comes down to it you are your family’s first and last line of defense. No matter how you feel about guns having one and not needing it is far better than needing one and not having it shoulda, woulda and coulda won’t hack it in the aftermath of a tragedy that could have been avoided with personal self-defense.

I’m encouraging every law abiding American citizen to apply for a CWP. You can apply for a Concealed Weapon Permit through the Solano County Sheriff’s Department and will undergo a rigorous background check, many hours of classes, weapon training and weapons qualifying before they will issue a permit but you can, and should, get one. If you live in Yolo County or the People’s Republic of Davis you get what you got… Scream and throw rocks I guess until help arrives.

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Got My CWP Renewed Yesterday…

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I got my concealed gun permit yesterday and went over to the Bass Pro Shop in Roseville to get another smaller pistol and a home defense shotgun just for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the guns, shells and bullets, the cashier said “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. ..I still don’t think I looked that bad.

 

From The Mailbag

2016april22

            To Ted Hickman: “On Tuesday, September 13, 2016 the financial center located at 178 North First St, Dixon, Ca is closing”. It goes on to say they will keep my money and I’ll have to go to Davis or Vacaville if I want to get any of it… Unless of course I can use on-line or mobile banking or I can manage my accounts by phone if I still live in the Stone Age. They end their letter by saying “We’re here to help”… Gee, thanks Bank of AmericaFirst Northern Bank is right across the street folks, so move your business over there… and it’s local. I hear the B of A building will be up for sale in case you’ve always wanted to buy a bank building and turn it into a nightclub or something.

This Bother You?


2016-06-17d

This picture was posted on a liberal website with this accompanying question; “If you were in a public place, would you feel comfortable with him sitting ten (10) feet away from your children?”

This is the thoughtful response from one of the readers; “I would gently explain to my children that while it is his absolute right to do it, I do not approve. Then I will let them know, in no uncertain terms, that if I ever catch THEM wearing brown slacks, blue socks and black shoes, IN PUBLIC, I will slap the stupid out of them.” … Texas Mom

 

A Figure Of Speech

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A “paraprosdokian” is a figure of speech in which the latter part

of a sentence is unexpected -and oft times very humorous… Here’s some:

*If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

*I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

*Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*Take my advice — I’m not using it.

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

*Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

*Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

*Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

*Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

*He who laughs last thinks slowest.

*Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

*Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

*I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

*If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

*Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

*If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

*Money is the root of all wealth.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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June 10th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #625 (6-10-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

If you or anyone you know is buying or selling real estate please remember I’m also a Realtor  and would appreciate referrals!

 

Another Historic Loss…

2016-6-10A

            Not long ago I sat down in the old two-story country farm house in rural Dixon to talk with Arlene “Sis” Jones. She said she was a loyal reader of this column and asked me to stop by and talk about some personal matters. Now instead of six loyal readers I, suddenly and unexpectedly, only have five.

May 27 she goes out in the evening and hefts some hay bales for feed like she has done all of her life. She was a healthy, robust 80 years old and was “just a little tired”. The next morning she didn’t feel well so her daughter called 911 and the ambulance rushed her to the UCD Med Center where she was pronounced; gone… Kind of a funny thing… when we were talking we touched on age and passing on and she said when her time came she hoped it would be quick. I mentioned she should keep her DNR form on the refrigerator for first responders… Gads now I feel like the voice of doom. Anyway she went quickly and her whole family although, of course saddened by the loss, took solace with the fact she passed on quickly with apparent little suffering.

Now what does this have to do with anything? Arlene Pedrick (like the road) “Sis” Jones comes from a fourth generation Dixon family which originally settled on a land grant, in the 1800’s, a little northeast of town. Her late husband Elmer Jones’ family was also fourth generation and his family settled in the same area on a land grant of their own. The both went through Dixon schools and were “locals” to the end. Arlene and Elmer leave behind fifth and sixth generations through their daughter, sons and grand kids (some of which are at breeding age so there probably will be a seventh generation some day).

The Jones family is well known in the ag community always involved in kid’s ag projects and organizations… Horses, and cows were her big thing but all kinds of livestock came her way at one time or the other. The assemblage of the folks at her service and burial was a collection of those whose families made it possible for Dixon to become what it is today… It was like having a living history book which collectively needs to be recorded and reported for this generation and the next (Bill Schroeder…?)

 

Bye-Bye- B of A

2016april22b

            So the giant B of A (which by the way hasn’t been an American owned bank in years) is pulling the plug on its Dixon Branch and getting out of town. I got a notice letter saying they were leaving us (no big loss they never did anything much for anybody locally anyway except take our money and make more money off of it). It was nice of the giant money maker to say we can still do business with them… Just go to Davis or Vacaville and use their branches there… Yeah, right. Luckily we have the FNB, Travis Credit Union and Wells Fargo to take our money huh?

 

School’s Out… Easy Money

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            On the first day of school kid’s summer vacation my first wife Linda and I came around the corner from H Street onto Almond going south. Here come eight tweens or sub teens roaring down the street on their bikes, no helmets of course in Dixon. This in itself isn’t that unusual it happens every summer and we all know to be more aware when school’s out. This time it was different… five of your little angels were on their cell phones, riding oblivious, blowing a stop sign and daring to be hit.

Now here is where you as a parent can make some quick cash… get a hefty insurance policy on your kids. Encourage them to keep talking on their phones on their bikes (they shouldn’t have in the first place) and have them not wear helmets (because it isn’t cool) and ride into traffic and ignore all rules of the road. You do this and you stand a pretty good chance of getting a big payoff… I mean what the hell… if you lose one you can make another one just like them can’t you?

 

I Told You So… Nailed it!

Election follow up

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            Not long ago I sat in a hotel ballroom in Fairfield for just about the biggest bunch of Solano County elected officials and bureaucrats to ever assemble to listen to a hyped propaganda message about the “for sure” passage of Props “G” and “H” that appeared on Tuesday’s ballot. Every mayor, city manager and public works director plus the board of supervisors and most city council members had endorsed the measures and we were assured of its passage. “Who wouldn’t vote for a little tax to fix the roads and pot holes,” they asked. As usual I said, “A lot of folks won’t”. The response I got was a unanimous “So everybody else (including your mayor and city council and manager) is wrong and you’re right?” I modestly said, “Yep, and it won’t be the first time”!

I explained if they would promise to put the money into a restricted fund the public would approve it but to put it in the general fund and have faith politicians would dole it out fairly wouldn’t float with the voters. They smirked. They said it would take a 2/3rds vote to approve a measure strictly for a specific cause. I said the voters would approve it knowing how bad the roads are. They said, knowing how bad the roads are voters will approve the measure and trust elected officials to do the right thing… I smirked and said in my “bite me” voice, “we’ll see”.

Measure “H” to give the county the money to fix the roads went down hard. In Dixon it went down even harderas I predicted it would do. Measure G (the advisory board should the measure pass) passed by a large margin and even more so in Dixon as I predicted it would do. How can all of these elected officials be so far removed from the people that put them in office? Don’t they talk to real taxpaying people? Put it back on the ballot right, get the 2/3rds vote and fix the damned pot holes.

Our local Guy, Greg Coppes, running for Ca. State Senate came in a fairly close third and carried Dixon. He missed the November runoff by a few percentage points. Not bad for a first time political novice huh? Yamada came in second in Dixon. Dodd bit it locally with the local mayor and councilmen endorsing him… hum.

I missed the boat in one area where Solano County voters approved (Dixon’s wisely didn’tMeasure AA giving our tax dollars to help San Francisco clean up the mess they’ve made of the San Francisco Bay Area… Go figure.


2016-6-10

Some people wonder what we

do on weekend when there’s no

hunting and the fish aren’t biting…

That same someone snapped this photo

of us without our knowing or our permission.

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More Things For Thought

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*I love to spice-up the wife’s shopping trips by accompanying her into the fitting rooms… and after five minutes hollering, “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

**The only BS I need in my life is breakfast and sex.

*Studies show that 90% of the women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga… and 100% of straight men don’t care.

*The wife is always mad at me for not putting the toilet seat down… and to be honest I am getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

**I finally figured out why I always look so bad in pictures… it’s my darned face.

**My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

*Today’s breaking news is that apple is developing an electric car… the charge lasts about an hour and it comes with a two-foot charging cord.

**Stephen hawking says that artificial intelligence could destroy the world… sorry, Stephen, my money’s on lack of intelligence.

**Saying “to each their own” is a great way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

**Have you ever noticed how loud the sound of popping the top on a beer is in a quiet place… for instance the gym or the back row of church?

*It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodge ball to the face like we did… back in the day.

*Earth day… crap, I thought you said “girth day” and you were celebrating your fat butt!

**Last night the wife got upset because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator…….but all’s ok now, it’s just water under the fridge.

**If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship with “Look, I just need space”… then you’re wasting everybody’s time.

*Stupid people were put on this earth just to test my anger management skills.

**If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious… I’d wonder who the hell was paying me and why!

***Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app they might start using it.

*If you wear cowboy clothing… are you ranch dressing?*

**Rejecting someone by saying “You deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than date them.

*If you had the chance to choose between losing weight or chocolate… would you like it dark, white or milk?

**The first rule of OCD club is that there has to be a second rule… so we have an even number of rules.

***The world would be a much better place if some people’s mothers would’ve just had a headache.

**Have you ever realized that if you’re going to insult the Amish you’ll have to do it to their face… they’ll never see it online.

***Turns out “Pick the biggest one and punch him in the face” may earn you lots of respect as a new prisoner… but not so much as a first-grade substitute teacher.

*Ever noticed how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel… or half the roll?

**It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind a woman buying tampons.

*Woke up just in time to pitch the damn cat off the bed before she upchucked… today’s off to a promising start.

**I exchanged the spare tire in my trunk for a bottle of jack Daniels… at my age I’ve no inclination to change a tire, but I know I’ll need a drink as I wait for the auto club guy.

*Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo………cole’s law.

That's Life 7

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June 3rd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #624 (6-3-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Some Things To Think About This Election

2016 6-3A 

            With the primary election looming over our heads next Tuesday (I guess it’s  really this coming Tuesday) those of you who haven’t voted by mail get the pleasure of going to your favorite heated polling place and marking your ballots the old fashion way.

I’ve had more than the usual amount of questions, especially from younger voters, about what’s what and who’s who. They are confused and bewildered by the political crap flowing in all directions from all matter of media. I made my answers fairly simple when they asked directly like; “Who can you trust”? Trust Hilary and the national-news -left-slanted media? I don’t think so… Loved the AP story this week, not saying Hilary lied, she just “misstates key facts” according to the Inspector General’s report just issued … what a crock. But I guess that’s as close as the mainstream liberal media will come to telling the truth… We really do need more Independent Voices.

2016 63B

Trying to explain the “system” I used myself as a rare example of someone elected to office without taking any bribes from any one, or organizations, including police, fire, city employees, real estate associations or the major parties, etc. I knocked off two incumbents and a bunch of others. Funny thing is I’ve been one of the best friends of all of these folks (that threw money at the other candidates)  while in office… only because in each voting case it was the right thing to do… funny huh? Although the Solano County Republican Party took credit for my winning the election I never asked for or received a penny or any form of endorsement from them… They shunned me when I ran (and endorsed two others) but tried to embrace me when I won… duh. See I have a freedom all of the others don’t have. I can tell the SCRCC to “bite me” and it won’t hurt our relationship.

2016 63d

 I’m really sorry to say my kind of victory was a very rare occurrence today in America. A person elected without huge financial backing, and selling their soul to the devil to get into office, is almost unheard of. Look at the contributors (it’s all public record) from our little local level all the way up the line… that will tell you where your politician’s real loyalties lie. This is how the system now works I’m sad to say.

Anyhow, back to our local concerns. In the Ca. State Senate race the “demoncrats” have been trashing each other in their daily mailers spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to get you to believe their crap and not believe their opponents. Bill Dodd (D-Napa formerly R-Napa), according to him, is solely responsible for everything good that’s happened to our area since the civil war. He’s bankrolled with several million dollars from the entire power structure from this entire area because they think he is a shoo-in… and he probably is. He’s got more “juice” than a baby at nap time. Love his latest zillion dollar flyer campaign mailer telling how he has the endorsement of all law enforcement and then had pictures of fake rent-a cops on his flyer… Nice one Bill.

One of his opponents Madam Curry (D-Yolo), the Mayor of Winters, has been shunned by the area’s power structure even though she says she is responsible for everything that’s good in Winters since the damn was built… Yea, right. She’s only spent $141,509.70  so far

2016 63c

Meanwhile our local non-political guy, Greg Coppes, (R-Solano) just keeps keeping on, learning, watching and getting amused at the goings on of the demoncrats. He’s the only Republican in the race. The only outsider, never-been (or tried to be) elected person running. If by some miracle he is elected we (the lowly taxpayer) would finally have a real voice in Sacramento… His finances to date are measly compared to the big boys (and girl). It would be great to see him continue on to the main event in November… Guess we’ll see Tuesday huh?

On the ASS-embly side we have the Mayor of the People’s Republic of Davis, Dan Wolk (D-Yolo), trying to take over mama’s seat in the assembly with a measly war chest of only $182,791.60 forked over by “supporters”… How many return favors does he owe if he wins? Yolo County Supervisor Don Saylor squeezed his juicers for only $264,062.21 according to published reports. And this is just for the primaries?

Wants to know who owns whom? Follow the paper trail and you’ll see. Sad to say the one with the most marbles usually wins the contest nowadays… I was the exception and elected only on my merits, reputation of being a straight shooter and 50 years of local/area community service… no one else has done it in recent memory anywhere in the state… and I’m sad to say it probably won’t happen again… Get someone elected only on their proven merits, with no backing and no mega funding? Are you nuts…?

Hope this helps any of you undecideds and doesn’t discourage you from voting. We’ve, my first wife Linda and I, never missed an election since we became old enough to vote… please vote or don’t bitch at the outcome. If you do vote then you are entitled to complain all you want. If not, shut the hell up. You are part of the problem while voters are at least trying to be part of the solution… Amen brother and sisters the sermon is over!

 

2016 63e

“You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s Initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”     
~Abraham Lincoln

2016 63f

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him had better take a much closer look at the American Indian.”~Henry Ford

 

Really…More Things For Thought…x20161

*A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and then embrace it… “I’ll take the maple bar, please.”

*Tell your wife she’s pretty a thousand times and she’ll never remember it… but call her fat just once and she’ll never forget it.

*The individual who did the proof reading of Hitler’s speeches… the first grammar Nazi.

*A friend was rushed to the ER after being found unconscious and seizing during a Shrek marathon… the ER doctor exclaimed, “migawd! We’ve got an ogredose!”

*Someone handed me a picture and said “this is me when I was younger”… BFD, every picture of you is when you were younger.

*Tupac Shakur claimed to be a philosopher, a rapper and an actor… did this mean he was a philosoraptor?

*Friends are like snowflakes… if you pee on them they disappear.

*All of the flags left on the surface of the moon by our astronauts have turned white due to the radiation from the sun… great, now it looks like the French went there.(For Vets).

*The only “F” word that comes out of a woman’s mouth and scares me is “fine”.

*”Damn Whale”… the working title Herman Melville used during the writing of what eventually became “Moby Dick”.

*I want a closed casket funeral. But towards the end of the service I’d like the organist to play “pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.  

*When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card. (Think about it)

*I remove my blindfold.  Before me lies a gory tableau of death and destruction with bodies strewn over the landscape…however, the piñata is unscathed.

*The fitness guy at the gym keeps asking me if I squat… I rent.  I’m not a bum!

*I damn near sliced my finger off cutting up some celery and carrots for a snack… this never happens with cupcakes.

*What do you call an alligator wearing a vest…an investigator?

*I’d rather be liked than loved… when you disappoint a girl who likes you they’re less likely to make a secret pact with the devil to destroy your life.

*Never compliment a woman on her mustache… no matter how epic it is.

*I don’t care what it says in your will… when you die we’re doing a re-enactment of “weekend at Bernie’s”.

*The other giraffes watched and giggled as Hubert got to the 87th button on his dress shirt… and then told him he started one button off.

*Based on how startled I look when the toast pops up… I will never look nonchalant walking away from an explosion.

*When you consider the fact that Ironman and Batman’s only real “superpower” is being super rich and smart… Bill Gates has turned out to be a real disappointment.

*My grandfather died during sex… I still cry when I watch it on video.

*There is a rumor circulating that the Oakland Raiders are changing their name to the Possums… they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

*You know you’re tired when you doze off while in the shower.

*I stumbled into bed last night and she said “you’re drunk!”  When I asked her how she figured that out she said, “because you live next door!”

*Pigeons seem to treat their ability to fly the same way I treat my ability to run.

*In life you need one thing to survive.  The ability to realize that crap happens… you step in it, accept it, get over it and then just keep going.

*I’ve always wanted to start up a brand of Christian-themed lollipops… and call them Catho-licks.

*Unf**kwithable:  (adj.) when you’re truly at peace and in touch with yourself, nothing anyone says or does bother you, and no negativity or drama can reach you.

 

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May 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #623 (5-27-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

  Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 2016-5-20-2

Dixon’s Veteran Greg Coppes carries the colors

Memorial Day 2016… Why?

MM 2015

Kids: Wonder why you get a day off from school Monday so close to the end of the school year? All of you who get a paid day off of work… Do you really know why?

Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day and was initiated to honor the soldiers for the Union and Confederate armies who died during the American Civil War. Celebrations honoring Civil War heroes started the year after the war ended. The establishment of a public holiday was meant to unify the celebration as a national day of remembrance instead of a holiday celebrated separately by the Union and Confederate states. By the late 19th century, the holiday became known as Memorial Day and was expanded to include the deceased veterans of all the wars fought by American forces. In 1971, Memorial Day became a federal holiday.

The original national celebration of Decoration Day took place on 30 May 1868. When Memorial Day became a federal holiday, it was given the floating date of the last Monday in May. Since many companies close for the holiday, Memorial Day weekend is three days long for most people. It is the unofficial beginning of the summer vacation season that lasts until the first Monday in September, which is Labor Day. Traditions: Some of the most common Memorial Day traditions that are still practiced in the United States today include:

  • Every Memorial Day, the U.S. flag is quickly raised to the tops of flagpoles, slowly lowered to half-mast, and then raised again to full height at noon. The time at half-mast is meant to honor the millions of fallen U.S. soldiers who have died for their country over the years. Re-raising the flag is meant to symbolize the resolve of the living to carry on the fight for freedom so that the nation’s heroes will not have died in vain.
  •  It is very common to visit cemeteries, particularly military cemeteries, at this time of year to decorate the graves. Small American flags, flowers, and wreathes are commonly placed by the tombstones.

2016-5-27 Linda 2016-5-27-Linda1

Monday might be a good day to take the family out to the beautiful 561 acre National Cemetery just out of town on Midway Road and see the final resting place of some 25,000 people. The veterans (and spouses) are laid to rest in about 18,000 gravesites of those who served this country with honor. At 9 a.m. Saturday (tomorrow) you and your family can help place a flag at each gravesite to honor those who made it possible for us to have what we have today. Pictured above is my first wife Linda at her father’s grave site there and a picture of his headstone. He was among those interned in the first section when this local national treasure was opened.

 

x2016

 

  • Food Truck Mania Coming Back Today 
  • For the second time the City of Dixon sponsoredFood Truck Mania” will be returning to the Hall Park area (behind city hall and the swimming pool) this evening (Friday) from 5 to 8:30 pm. There will probably be about a dozen trucks with all kinds of specialized ethnic foods on sale. We went to the first one, last time, and it was interesting to see the variety of stuff we don’t have locally. They are here one evening for a few hours and then gone taking local dollars with them… but heck it’s just one little chunk of time out of one evening …and last time there were a couple of locals involved.

 

x20161More Things For Thought  

*There’s one bible verse that always seem to make me feel encouraged… lunch 12:35.

*If they ever get a donkey and a zebra to mate they would have to call the offspring a zonkey… ‘Because Debra is already taken.

*As I age I find I have three moods………I’m too tired for this carp, I’m too old for this crap, and I’m too sober for this crap.

*When my kids were little I found we were exact opposites.  They would cry when I walked away… and I would cry when they walked toward me.

*I’d be a terrible superhero… I’d be at home and I’d see the signal in the sky calling me to help and I’d be like “damn! I just sat down and got my shoes off!”

*Smartphones are so expensive these days if you fall and hear a crack… you hope it’s your hip.

*If you have a foot fetish and you cheat on your wife… does that mean you got off on the wrong foot?

*Babies are a lot like tattoos:  they’re not cheap, they’re yours forever, your feelings about them will change from day to day… and maybe you should wait a while before showing them off so they’re not all gross looking.

*Gluten is the substance in food that keeps people from being insufferable.

*I don’t exactly know when the UFO landed and dumped off all these stupid people that have been coming into work lately… but apparently they aren’t coming back for them.

*When you said “let’s be friends with benefits”… I just assumed you owned a liquor store.*I don’t always feel like I’m at the top of the gene pool… but when I do I’m usually at Wal-Mart.

*I think it’s important to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant ‘because I’m not going to be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.

*Girls don’t fart… that sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

*An older woman in front of me dropped $20 and I asked myself “what would Jesus do?”… So I turned it into wine, I bought wine. 

  • *I don’t understand all the confusion.  It’s not hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart… one will see you in a little while and the other will see you later.  (For 50+)
  • *I’m not just a pretty face… I have really nice feet too.
  • *I grew up under the threat of nuclear war… forgive me if I can’t muster up the appropriate terror at the thought of gluten in my sandwich.
  • *Why do porn sites have a “share to Facebook” button…who watches porn and thinks “you know, my friends and family would really enjoy this!”
  • *Kids are a lot like donuts.  Sweet and yummy, but after one or two and you’re like, “what the hell have I done?”
  • *I like to separate my M&M’s by color before I eat them… so I’m either OCD or a racist.
  • *I read that back in the 1930’s teething babies were given cocaine… how ridiculous!  If they had a toothache they probably didn’t even want to party.
  • *Getting older is so awesome… I don’t even have to drink to feel hungover anymore.
  • *There is no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating!
  • *The therapist at the rehab asked my friend how many drinks he had a week… “Hell, I don’t know….I’m an alcoholic, not an accountant!”
  • *If I could give you one thing in life I’d give you the ability to see yourself thru my eyes… then you might realize what a turd you are.
  • *Being an ugly female is just like being a man… you’re going to have to work.
  • *Real women don’t wish their enemies would die… just that they’ll get fat.
  • *Parenting is really no different than surviving a bear attack… curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
  • *I wore a Levi jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants… I had no good answer.
  • *I must be getting old.  Every time I hear Def Leppard’s “pour some sugar on me” I think of two things… who’s cleaning it up and I sure hope we don’t get ants.

Xvets4

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May 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #622 (5-20-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

2016-5-20

 

“Information Pamphlets” Have Arrived

            Politics never fail to amaze me and with the election season now really underway people once again are asking for my opinion on the ballot issues and the candidates. We received our ballots and have already voted and returned our vote choices to Dixon’s City Hall… You know you can do that right? You can mail your “vote by mail” ballots or drop them off at any of the seven city halls or drop them curbside in Fairfield at the county Ad Min center on Union Street.

With that being said local voters only have a couple of choices to make for state senate and assembly plus a couple of county ballot measures they need to understand. Besides the senate we are also voting for  Assembly District 4 with Winter’s Aguiar Cecilia Curry (trying to cover all the bases), Don Saylor, Charlie Schaupp and Dan Wolk (yep Lois’s boy trying to take her place). Charlie is the conservative, the rest you can flip a coin.

I can’t believe how much local politics have changed over the years. There used to be an understanding if you had a local candidate running for higher office you either endorsed them or stayed neutral… Not anymore! Vacaville’s mayor and whole city council turned their backs on local candidates to endorse the guy who reportedly has spent over $2 million… you know, the guy who sends you two flyers in the mail each day. Bill Dodd the former supervisor from Napa who was a Republican and wanted to run for higher office so switched to Democrat (reportedly he told people that was the only way he could get elected, and was right)… It worked for the assembly and now he’s running for the senate with all the juice this area has to offerexcept his party’s endorsement… kind of odd they didn’t endorse him when they did endorse candidates for all of the other offices? So he should be your choice if you want to get on the bandwagon and support a professional politician who can spend millions of other people’s  dollars to get elected… and then I suppose return the favors once he’s in office. Juice you say? Yep, the guy has all seven Solano County Mayors, the majority of all seven city council, the vast majority of the board of supervisors and according to his flyer even former Dixon Mayor “Joe” Erickson (I didn’t know Don changed his name?) Even two of the Dixon City Councilmen who had the endorsement of the Solano County Republican Party endorsed him?

 

2016-5-20-1

            I have been asked to make endorsements and since I got elected I’ve adopted a firm policy… I’ll only endorse those who endorsed me when I ran and that’s a very short list… Greg Coppes is an outsider Republican is running against Dodd. He stood up for me and my independence when members of his own group opposed it because of the same lame excuse a local city employees association gave… because I’m considered a “loose cannon” and you can’t depend on me to be bought or sold or controlled…Boo- friggin-Hoo.

 

2016-5-20-2

            Greg is an outsider looking in… straight as an arrow and an all American, no nonsense, common sense, veteran who will fight for what is right and opposes that which is not. I severed as his vice commander with American Legion Post 208 for years and watched him push to get the great new vet’s hall they now have. I saw him fight the county and get the ear of state and federal elected officials and marshal the troops when needed. He is my only endorsement it’s not only based on my policy, and the fact he is from Dixon but also because I think we could use a no-nonsense outsider to fight for, not only what is right, but the people without a voice. He’s the only Republican in the senate race and is grossly underfunded because he didn’t go begging, cutting deals and making promises… so he can use all of the votes you can get him and any donations you care to make… Here’s a guy trying to make a difference. If he gets elected he will… no one will intimidate him or force him to make a decision which would adversely affect the people that put him in office.

In voting now and in November please remember my favorite saying… “If you always do what you always did you’ll always get what you always got”…And the picture of what we’ve “got” ain’t pretty.

Now Measure G and H and AA

2016-5-20-3

 

These three ballot measures, “Golly G!” and “What  the Hell?”  and “AA” are facing you as you vote too. This is the same kind of sounds good vote that should garner your yes vote right? Well maybe. First AA is another ATTEMPT TO HAVE OUR TAXPAYERS BAIL OUT THE BAY AREA FOR THE CRAP THEY’VE CAUSED… HELL NO ON THIS ONE.

Measure G is a feel good gutless measure that provides a “citizen oversight committee” to approve projects funded by Measure H and it further says Solano County should spend 100% of proceeds from measure H on “transportation improvements” like fixing pot holes etc. This “Measure” is purely an “Advisory Measure” which means it has no power, no guts and no way to do anything about anything… In other words; compost.

Measure H is where the boots hit the pavement so to speak. This is a gigantic $33,703,000 (That’s 37 million, seven hundred and 3 thousand dollars) generated from a ½ of one percent (1%) county tax for the next five years.

            Now we all know how badly we need road repairs and all seven city’s mayors, city managers and public works directors plus the board of supervisors have endorsed this measure… so who could oppose it and why? How can the whole power structure not be right? What could people possibly complain about with this badly need measure…?

 

2016-5-20-4

            The big complaint seems to be the county has these funds set to go into the county’s general fund and disbursed from there to the cities.  Trust me the government is only doing this for your own good. To do this the ballot measure only has to have a 50% plus one vote to pass. Had they made the measure into a specific fund for roads (and whatever) fund the measure would have to pass by two thirds (2/3rds) majority. I think voters in this case would have passed the measure that way… I’m not so sure they’ll buy into “we’re your elected officials so trust us to do what we say we will” spiel they’re spewing… but who knows since we are a nation of sheep… bred to follow our leaders and set ourselves to be fleeced at each election (wow I may have coined a new phrase) and we’re slow learners.

 

More Of The Things People Like To Read2016-5-20-5

*The question is: How many will do their homework and any research at all on the measures of the candidates? The answer is: not enough!*

*In an attempt to explain marriage to my grandson I said “Well, when a man loves a woman a great deal he expresses that love by slowly over time transforming into a human sloth”.

*Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

*One of the benefits of dating me… if you stand next to me you’ll be the thin one.

*’Pampers’ is a great product name… because it implies that being able to poop in one’s disposable underwear is just, well, something special.

*Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.

*My granddaughter is pretty overbearing when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just go along with it… Because when she’s not here I can play with them the way I want.

*I always scream “I DON’T HAVE ANY BREAD” at any duck I see… beady eyed little free loaders.

*Everyone always romanticizes the past and how things used to be… until they get really sick one time and wake up covered in leeches.

*I only date girls with speech impediments… takes them forever to break up with me.

*Parenthood is where you spend 18 years of your life saying “no”…..all because of that one critical time you foolishly said “yes”.

*Someone offered me some grapes but I refused… I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

*”I miss you like an idiot misses the point”.

*What fool called it your foot falling asleep… and not “coma toes”?

*When one of the boys was little every time he drank juice he said “Cheers”……so, no, we were not looking forward to the parent-teacher conferences.  

*I always cry at weddings… because being that close to large cakes always makes me really happy.

*If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder… then by definition, marriage is a bad idea.

*Don’t you think it’s weird when someone says they’re going out for some fresh air……and comes back in smelling like weed?  

*We live in a small town and I’m afraid the local Catholic Priest is getting tired of my carp… I called him at the rectory the other night and asked “What time is the St. Valentine’s Day mass occur?”… He didn’t laugh.

*My self-esteem flared up this morning so I put on my Speedo and checked my bank balance… I’m ok now.

*Why do people say “raw” sewage… saying raw implies that it becomes much better if cooked properly.

*As I watched a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon… oh migawd, it’s the alpacalypse.

*When someone unexpected rings the doorbell the wife says “You answer it!  I don’t even have my bra on!”… and for that reason alone I’ve stopped wearing a bra.

*”Kyrgyzstan” is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have letters left over.

*Just a little heads up, fellas, but if you ask your wife how to spell “ménage a trois”… she’s gonna want to know why.

*Just ate one “suggested serving” of Oreos… so what if it was five times in a row. Twice.

*To all the ladies that are waiting for their prince on a white horse… the horse has come up lame and I’m walking, so I’ll be a little late.

*Here’s a picture of me having fun at work… yeah, I couldn’t picture that either.

*Just ate an order of chili-cheese fries… and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit. 

*I asked a first-grader what has four fingers and a thumb but isn’t alive… expecting her to get the riddle and respond “a glove”… first thing out of her mouth was “my aunt Lydia”.

*Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car stick your arm back there and wave it around a bunch… that’ll show ’em.

 

 

ZZZZZZZ2013aLBERT

 

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