April 28th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #672 (4-28-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 

I Want To Apologize…

          I want to apologize for Dixon’s young, misguided and confused city council person, Devon. He obviously has many issues and problems, not the least being misguided by his mentor, mommy and daddy. He just cost the taxpayers thousands of dollars with his prank of abusing a city policy regarding council person’s behavior. He was allowed, by law, to file false charges against me even though the City Attorney Doug White, and a “Brown Act” expert, Ourania Riddle, told him in advance he was wrong and there was no violation of closed session information “leakage”… other than Minnema getting caught doing exactly what he had accused me of… and witnessed by two independent citizens in the city council chambers. He told his parents in the audience what was going on in a closed session and was admonished in a letter from the city attorney letting HIM know it was a criminal act and to cut it out. To this our Mensa boy said, paraphrased, “There’s no violation of closed leaking session information if I wasn’t in the closed session”… Duh, and this is what we, the rest of the council, must deal with. The Mayor Thom, Vice Mayor Scott, and Councilman Steve made up the “jury” all three voted to shoot the junior council member down after being told by the city attorney, as junior was in advance, he approved the article I wrote before it was published.

He isn’t entirely to blame. His mommy spoke up again spewing the same venom filled rhetoric which wasn’t even pertinent enough to earn a response. She has been grooming her boy since early childhood writing speeches for him and forcing him to go to Tea Party rallies and speak and wave the flag, while others his age were out playing soccer of baseball or something.  Her life’s goal was to get him elected since she couldn’t get elected herself and is an angry woman who has an unnatural and unwarranted hatred for me personally.

Couple this with Mike Ceremello mentoring this young guy and Devon not being smart enough to see through either Mike, or his mom, for their real motivations and you have what we have… a mess.

            He even embarrassingly went to social media (see screen shot) again trying to turn out his troops to support him in his destined failed attack on me and it, like him, embarrassingly flopped too. To show you how misguided this poor boy is look at his web posting the night before the meeting where he even illegally included the logo of the VFW? WTF? Figure out that one yourself. He loves his title doesn’t he?

To his discredit he was able to marshal the troops and his whole support team showed up… one maybe two people who did not speak on his behalf… except mommy spoke for her son… “I’m Devon’s mom”… How embarrassing. He took his time before the three member council to explain the bogus charges he had filed against me by trying to justify the reportedly three criminal investigations going on against him; the Grand Jury, the D.A’s office and the State Attorney General all looking into the fact about the truthfulness of his residence at the time he pulled papers out to run for office. He, nor any of his immediate family members, have been willing to give a sworn affidavit attesting to the truth of his stories… and that’s what all of this was about… to diffuse the possibility of charges hanging over his head by putting the spotlight on me for something that never occurred…. And he knew the charges were wrong and still put on his dog and pony show…at the taxpayer’s expense.

I feel bad for the people that voted for him and hope he’ll see the light and quit his high school shenanigans and try to represent the people who wasted a vote on him because he “a good talker”. He can talk and sing good… you just have to be a good listener to see through the spoon fed crap coming out of his mouth or watch his mentor signal him (yes or no) from the audience with head movements  at council meetings to see just how empty his tank really is.

So he’s got two + strikes against him with me, and others I guess. One for lying and show boating, claiming I elbowed him in the head squeezing behind his chair at a council meeting. He gave an exaggerated Hollywood reaction to me passing behind his chair and his mommy took a three second clip from a video that made it look like I may have touched him, which of course I didn’t… which worked until everyone looked at the rest of the video and saw I had to do the exact same thing to get by the two other councilmen because of the lack of space between the chairs and the wall. I loudly asked him Tuesday if he is still lying to people about me making contact with his head and asked him to fess up. I said, “If I were to elbow you in the head to would be on the ground and not feigning a ghost blow”… Then he cried, “Another threat, did anyone one hear him threaten me?” to which no one replied. He’s trying to play the “He’s picking on me, feel sorry for me because I’m just a kid- card, when I should be Trumping him with “This is senior abuse. I am the senior member of the council and your disrespect it not acceptable”.

Lie number two was this whole performance Tuesday to let many people know, who didn’t before, that he is under criminal investigation… oh wait, no, he already used his platform against me to do that. What he was supposed to do was prove the “charges” he made against me… but he forgot and got on his soap box about how he is being an abused “minority”… All of his “evidence” he presented worked against him… clever huh?

Again I can only apologize and assure the public the four mature members on the council will work with Junior when we can, and will ignore him he acts like the person his team wants him to be, and get on with our business. Now you know the documented truth and can ignore future “fake news”.

 

SACRAMENTO, CA

 

Readers of Travel & Leisure magazine have voted Sacramento the second least attractive city in America. But, according to the article, readers had a few good things to say about the city as well:

Sacramentans don’t earn high marks for their looks, but readers did give them an A for effort. They received a perfect score for being active, which is easy to do in California’s state capital, just two hours from Lake Tahoe and Yosemite. Closer to home, Discovery Park, north of downtown, has 275 acres of riverfront forest and recreation fields.”  (I think Daryl Steinberg has a lot to do with this as the country’s ugliest mayor in both appearance and giving away taxpayers dollars.)

Baltimore, MD was voted the nation’s least attractive city. Also appearing on the list were, Tampa, FL, Milwaukee, WI and Cleveland, OH.

 

S’more Things For Thought

*Good judgement comes from experience… and experience? Well, that comes from poor judgement.

*See a penny pick it up; all day long you’ll have… a nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a hand washer.

*Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero… but bring a bag lady home from the shelter to babysit the kids and everyone loses their crap.

*I replaced the broken handle on my recliner… it’s very important to keep one’s fitness equipment in tip-top shape.

*If you stand by and let someone ruin their life than you are part of the problem… yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar.

*I want a sex change… from “none” to “some”.

*The older I get the more I appreciate being at home not doing a darn thing.

*Having sex with a health care professional makes you immune to the common cold, influenza, malaria, SARS, Ebola, Pneumonia, general bitchiness and smallpox… for your own safety sleep with a health care professional!

*CNN reports that hurricane Earl “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages along the Mexican coast with equal ferocity”… did they expect wealth-based discernment?

*I find myself home alone this afternoon and the refrigerator seems to be making weird noises… I think the beer wants out.

*It was so hot today I went by to see the ex… just for the cold shoulder and the icy stare.

*Bought the wife a refrigerator for her birthday which is really kinda a lousy gift… but you should have seen her face light up when she opened the door.

*I’m pretty sure it’s called a jury of your “peers” because everybody pees.

* Linda says, “Marriage is caring for someone so much that you forgive them if occasionally they’re just the most annoying ass in the world”.

*The guys who measure and install the granite counter tops in your kitchen were probably really pissed when they found out the term “counterfeiters” was taken.

*There is absolutely no excuse for laziness… but if you should happen to find one, share it with me.

*Sometimes even after all these years I wake up and look over at my wife sleeping peacefully beside me and think… “Man, is she lucky!”

*Some days I feel like I’m making a difference… other days I feel about as useful as a lifeguard at the Olympic swimming events.

*Just because I know I could get more done if I got up earlier doesn’t mean I have any intention of ever trying it.

*I learned something new today.  Kitchen sex can be very spontaneous and exciting… and the kitchen staff at Denny’s are quite narrow minded.

*My weight loss goal is really kind of simple… I just want to be able to lie near the peaceful shoreline without those pesky marine biologists dumping buckets of water over me.

*He wiped away her tears… and, unfortunately, her eyebrows as well.

*If I work out for the next four years… when the next Olympics come around I think I could get up off the couch on the first try.

*When viewed as a piece of “performance art” Trump’s campaign rapidly approached “Andy Kaufman’s wrestling women” status.

*Do you, Sue, take John, the optometrist, to be your lawfully wedded husband for better or worse?  Better… or worse? Better…or worse?

*So you’re stranded on an island and you can bring three items.  What would they be… Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal hanging from the end of it.

*I don’t understand people who practice polygamy… who would want more than one mother-in-law?

*My luck… it’s similar to a bald guy who just won a tortoise-shell brush and comb set as a door prize.

*I love bacon.  So much so that sometimes I eat it twice a day… it helps me keep my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep having.

*Imagine if you will. You’re living alone.  Sometime in the middle of the night you hear a fart, not your own… what will you do?

 

 

#

No Comments »

April 21st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #671 (4-21-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What Did You Do Last Week?

I Can See!

The Kaiser Vacaville PR department was supposed to give me permission to use the photo of me and the my lovely nurse but didn’t get back to me (I guess because they were so busy doing something?) so I edited the photo to what she may have looked like when I came out of the happy juice.

                                                                                       

Because of my failing eyesight and loss of night vision, like all of a sudden, over the past year or so, and a recent scare, I had scheduled April 27th to have double cataract and optic implants surgery. Let me back up a minute. About a month ago I was given floor tickets to take our grandson to see the Kings play in the new arena. Without thinking I thought, “What a great experience for him”. And it was. He got Kings Autographs and high fives from the whole Timberwolves team as they left the floor after mopping the Kings up with it… but I digress.

So we went to Sac in the daylight but as I was driving out of downtown in the dark to hit the freeway I quietly freaked out because I couldn’t see the lanes or farther than 50 yards ahead clearly, and had to drive across the bypass between two cars just to make it across… It scared the carp out of me… and not much scares me. I’ve jumped out of a plane, walked on the bottom of the ocean, fell off a cliff and been shot at… but this scared me knowing if I didn’t bring our grandson home his parents would probably be miffed and my first wife Linda would probably unhappy about losing the pickup.

So I call Kaiser and started the multi-appointment process that leads up to seeing the surgeon. I decided to have both eyes done at once for the cost, convenience and the fact I didn’t want to go through it twice. I/we went into see the doctor for a pre-op appointment on the 11th and while in his office he had a cancelation and asked if I would like to move my date up to the 13th at 1:30. I said, “Sure” why think about it for two more weeks. Then doctor called later and said they had another cancellation for 7:30 am on the same day. He asked if I wanted that… I said “Sure let’s get it over with”. So a week ago Thursday I underwent surgery on both eyes and had little implants (like tiny contact lenses) stuck in my eyeballs. No pain, no problem and when I awoke fully I had my old 20/20 vision and night vision back… Wow.

The moral of all of this is when I wrote about my carotid artery surgery and advised people to have their necks check apparently many did and several said checking made a big change in their lives. The same goes for this. It was less traumatic than a dentist appointment, painless and gives immediate results, at least in my case. So… if you have failing sight or your night vision in one the wane…get to a surgeon specializing in correction and get it done… your quality of life WILL be better, I promise.

Important Misc. Stuff

Congressman connection…

            Told you recently about our recent former Mayor Jack Batchelor, now serving as a “Field Representative” for U.S. Congressman John Garamendi and I would give you his contact info. Here it is: 1261 Travis Blvd. Suite 130, Fairfield, Ca. 94533. You can phone at 707-438-1822, Fax 707-438-0523 or email at Jack.Batchelor@mail.house.gov. The web page is www.garamendi.house.gov. Now you/we have a friend with a minority foot in the White House… but it’s still a foot.

Midway Road Bridge To Go May 18th

Get this… Cal Trans will be demolishing the I.S. 80/Midway Rd Bridge that crosses the freeway starting May 19. Yep, they say they are going to destroy it and haul it away and put a new one in its place. I.S. 80 will be closed in both directions for a while and that won’t cause much of a problem… the National Cemetery may be hard to get to/from for out of towners. After several months when the new bridge is in place they plan to upgrade the Meridian Road overcrossing bridge and they will close it for a while. If you use those roads or live in that area you better go to the Cal Trans web site and look for D4/80Midwaymeridianbridge.The price tag? A mere $11,828,000… and change…. such a deal huh? We can’t get pot holes or freeway on ramps paved.

State’s Transgender Trend Setter Gets A Razor

 

As a follow up to my past coverage… The first U.S. inmate to have a taxpayer funded sex change operation (what from California, who’d a thunk it?) was having trouble so she/he, with a court appointed attorney now doubt, filed papers with the court to have a razor and won. Shiloh Quine, the 57 year-old convicted murderer has moved into the general population at the Central California Women’s Facility and has been granted a razor after he/she filed suit saying her/his facial hair was making the transition to life as a woman more difficult…Oh the inhumanity, what beasts the California prison system possesses to abuse this gal/guy so. I’m starting a fund for just razor blades for poor murderer Shiloh to help make her/his plush life in prison more… I can’t go on this is just too distressing.

I-Hop-Hopped out of Town for Easter

I-Hop restaurant followed Chevy’s and hopped out of town just before Easter. I hear the building was sold and something is afoot for that location. Anyway they are flat as a pancake and toast.

Putah Creek Council Hires New CEO

The Putah Creek Council recently hired Kent Anderson as its new executive officer. Besides coming from the valley, graduating from Chico State in 2006, and having worked with Ca. fish and game he worked for various organizations on conservation and LGBT rights and education. Most recently he was the deputy XO for the San Francisco LGBT Pride. His background may put a different slant on wildlife and conservation. Go to Putah Creek Council on the internet if you want more info.

More Things For Thought 

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies… I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders.

I’m a vegetarian for health reasons… now please pass the chili-cheese fries.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word “sit” means… however, if I’m holding a treat he can perform brain surgery.

Seeking Siamese twin midgets for a frolic in a tub of mayonnaise… no freaks, please.

I’ve never understood how women can fall in the toilet… I always look closely at something before planting my bare ass on it.

Divorce changes you… for instance, it makes you single.

Girls are supposed to dance… that’s why god gave them parts that jiggle.

Am I the only one to nickname the neighbors… the “red truck dude”, “granny with the rose bushes” and “the douche bag next door“?

Excuse me, you’ve got something on your chin… no, not that one.  The third one down.

In the 21st century deleting history has been more important than making it.

You remember those cute little idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating… after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.

What’s the difference between a smart ass and a wise ass?… a smart ass can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is, a wise ass can just tell you it’s going to be cold.

Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you’re in a big argument and try to waddle away angrily you still look adorably cute.



Let me get this straight.  Every day 15.8 million American children go hungry while American corporations are stashing $2.1 trillion overseas to avoid paying taxes… but pressing 1 for English is what pisses you off?

Single and divorced men in their mid-forties are said to prefer women at their own maturity level… which explains why they date women half their age.

The wife said there was a man at the door with a beard… I told her “tell him I’ve already got one.”

Tell someone you love them today because life is short… but scream it at them in German ‘cuz life is also terrifying and confusing.

Life tip:  never roll your eyes when renewing your wedding vows.

If you ever feel like a complete moron… never forget I texted the wife this morning to tell her she left her cell phone at home.

I just found a mole on my shoulder… I’ve no clue how he got out of the garden but he’s kinda cute.

Guess it’s time to get up and get going… today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

Kids these days are really out of touch… they wouldn’t even know to be concerned if they heard banjo music while canoeing.

Every once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them… they’re trouble, stay away from them.

Sex ed didn’t mention how much apologizing there would be.

I test drove a jaguar today.  It was very fast but really bumpy, and the saddle almost fell off… and I think he tried to bite me.

The secret to happiness is a great sense of humor… and a dirty mind.

If we ever find ourselves in a situation where I am the voice of reason… we’re in a pretty awful situation.

Had a patient refuse a flu shot today… said he needed the few days off from work and enjoyed returning looking like he’d had a gastric bypass.

Does anyone else miss slamming the phone down?… somehow, angrily pressing “end” just doesn’t do it.

 

 

*A friend asked how the diet was going.  “Not good” I replied, “I had eggs for breakfast”… she asked, “scrambled?”… “No. Cadbury.”

*Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night… and the only one drinking during church.

*Stop talking so much about being sad all the time.  And use a bigger word like ‘despondent’… at least people will think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

*I recently cross-bred an octopus and a panda… call me if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

*Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk… because who holds their cell phone up to their head anymore?

*Based on the amount of laundry in piles in the hall I have to assume that there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

*I have this really neat 94 year-old customer who just told me she’s been watching the “game of thongs” show… migawd!  I hope she’s just saying it wrong!

*When the wife asks if you think it’s possible to love someone forever… “If I ever find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

*Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

*Been following the gorilla/zoo thing… what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in Ohio? (I’m from Dayton).

*I appreciate you confiding in me and I would offer some words of wisdom but I have never been called wise… without the word ‘ass’ following shortly behind it.

*Growing up I couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and be able to do whatever I wanted… then I screwed that up and got married.

*To my surprise the at-home DNA kit is not a good baby shower gift.

*I’d walk thru fire for my wife. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous.  But a super humid room maybe… but not too humid, because after all, my hair.

*Probably the worst thing about being attacked by a pack of wild hyenas would be listening to them giggle while they eat you.

*Fun fact:  If you hear small children running around and laughing loudly… within two minutes at least one of them will be lying on the floor crying hysterically.

*I thought the wife was super-pissed at me but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me… oh, thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there.

*The pizza theorem: all pizzas must be circular.  They will then be cut into triangulated pieces and placed in a square box.

*I don’t really care who dies in a movie… as long as the dog lives.

*After a failed college project to fight hunger Clark decided to focus his efforts on fighting crime… thereby dropping a “p” from his previous title of Supperman.

*This whole “having a job” crap is really preventing me from living the best life possible.

*The dog’s getting pretty old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog crap in the neighbor’s yard when she can’t make it over there.

*The trainer at the gym asked me “how’s your nutrition?” at the same time I was dipping my taco bell burrito in banana custard… I replied: “I’m not going to lie.  It’s been worse.”

*Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than three cars parked outside I keep going… in case it’s an intervention.

*A sales rep just told us about a new pregnancy test that’s curved so you don’t get pee on your hand… if you’re not ready to get pee on your hand you’re definitely not ready for motherhood.

*If I ever say “I got this” when I’ve been drinking I totally don’t have it… and you should probably help me with whatever I’m doing before I hurt myself.

*Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice… some girls are made of barley and hops and a pair of flip flops.

*Why hasn’t one of those Pinterest chick’s figured out how to put grapes in a crockpot and 6 hours later you have wine… it’s like they’re not even trying!

*All I really want at this stage of my life is to lose weight and gain money… but I find I’m gaining weight and losing money.

*You don’t get a body like mine overnight… it takes years of moderate drinking, neglect and numerous damaging behaviors.

 

No Comments »

April 14th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #670 (4-14-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Get Out And Smell The Roses…

(Unfiltered photo by Trey Hickman on Liberty Island Rd in rural Dixon)

You know, today being Good Friday and all, I started thinking about the good things we have in our lives. As your vision fades as you age you need to have gotten out and around more to have visual memories (or iPhone photos lol) to look back on.

I’m fortunate to have seen many hundreds of marvelous sunrises and sunsets around the world during the last 50 years or so… thanks a little to travel, but mostly to being an outdoorsman, i.e. hunter and fisherman. I’ve seen the heavenly artic (Aurora Borealis) northern lights from the tundra, seen wild herds of caribou, majestic moose, monster bull elk, bison, alligators and crocks and every species of North American deer. Then top it all off with magical jungle sunsets in South America, the bright green sunrises from New Zeeland and sunsets in the Australian Bays.

 

           

(Same photo scene as above, unfiltered, 10 minutes earlier)

 

I’ve been so fortunate to have observed elk calves romp wild in a filed at first light, baby ducks and geese out for their early morning swim with mom, the first clumsy steps of a new born fawn and newly hatched turkey chicks scamper after a hen so as not to be left behind.

 

 

(Photos I took at sunrise and sunset on our Dixon duck pond)

In our area alone between duck ponds and mountain trips we’ve seen many things very few have seen. As a bow hunter that takes to the woods in camo with stealth, I’ve had, while seated at the base of a tree, quail walk across my boots and a squirrel on the top of my hat as it climbed down a tree… and deer walk by within touching distance. From a bluff above we watched a big black bear lay on its back and eat berries (as son Trey was unknowingly was walking up on it) about an hour from here behind Lake Berryessa. We had a California mountain lion snarl above us that sent chills down our spines and saw grizzly tracks returning to camp in Canada right behind our outgoing tracks in the fresh snow… The stories go on and on. I’ve had a snake slither by within inches and witnessed a baby duck devoured by a fish on a mountain lake… and saw snakes curl around Linda’s foot on a couple of occasions; don’t know why they just seem to like her… and the one thing almost all of these things have in common? Quite nature at work doing what it does and I/we have had the privilege of being a spectator to many marvelous things.

 

(Another sunrise photo Trey took on the west side of the Sutter Buttes while hunting)

Sunrises and sunsets… quiet, peaceful, natural settings… being a witness to real life and death and the comedy that takes place out there once you leave your home and get out in it. If you haven’t made the effort, you ought to try it… really.  A camera (or cell phone) works as well as a bow or gun to experience what most see only on television… and you know what… The vast majority of these things are only a short drive from here.

 

           (I took this one at the Hastings Island cross over bridge)

If it sounds like I’m telling you to get off your butt and off the couch and go outside, and make the kids leave the video games at home, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I know everyone has looked at sunrise/sunsets one way or the other but they are varied and there is a big difference between looking and seeing.

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Continued from last week..

BATHROOMS… A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS… A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE… A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE…A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does. DRESSING UP… A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL… Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING… Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY… A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

No Comments »

April 7th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #669 (4-7-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

       Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

What Did You Do During The High Winds?

            Thirty (30+) MPH high winds last week… what do you do? We took off and went to Clearlake crappie fishing and had the best fishing trip ever on that lake. The three of us filled the live well with mostly black crappies this time, that all weighed in the 1.5 to 1.8 pounds range, … nice fat filets. I caught the biggest crappie of my fishing career landing one just shy of three pounds… and that’s a lot of crappie folks. The state record is just a little over four pounds. If you like crappies filets now is the time to go. The lake is high and the small shad are spawning and dying off and the crappies are gorging themselves on the dying shad. Just look for floating minnows and, graph a school, and catch a boat load! The limit is 25 each.

One Last Mad Mike Probe

 

 

Speaking of crappie stuff…In response to his repetitive all-out attack on me last week I thought we’d have this little retort. I can keep up this nonsensical stuff as long as he can… what a waste of space.

I’m guessing the mayor is now smart enough to distance himself from Mad Mike Ceremello if he wants to actually help the citizens and get any support. Its obvious Mike has some serious problems (aside from his hatred of anyone elected to office over him, or anyone who has any accepted expertise) with a superiority complex where he readily admits he knows more than anyone else does about everything;  Law, government, engineering, streets, sewage, water, etc. and the encyclopedia no doubt. That should be a tip to those who wonder if he really knows anything about anything other than doing his half assed research and spouting his crap as the truth. Many now question his mental stability…It’s a shame he wants to take a new naïve councilman down the one-term tubes with him… He can threaten his scary “recall” crap again and the people will hand him his hat one more time.

As far as his writing goes, it always has an element of truth… the key word here being element. Trust me when I tell you he uses a bit of truth to expound his own opinions as fact. When he tells you he knows more than the city’s law firm, public works director, city manager, the entire city council, planning commission, traffic study commission and the city clerk, etc.… you might want to go to another source like we all do now. He is virtually ignored from the time he stands up (at every council meeting) to give his two cents (like he does on almost every item) because of his negative “ the sky is falling” routine.

To his face people give him the glad hand or the cold shoulder because they are afraid of him attacking them in print. Behind his back they just shake their heads and ignore what he says because most people believe no one is an expert, and knows better than all experts, about all things. Remember he claims he knows more than anyone about everything…. Except maybe humility, common sense, believability and manners. He claims little to no knowledge in these few areas.

For those of you who don’t know (or care) who he is I’m running another photo I took of him. Now when you see him coming you can go the other way…or be trapped into listening to one of his lectures about how smart he is and how the rest of us are… well, just plain dumb. Remember everything he says and does is because he is already running for a council seat in his district in 2018… go figure.

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People –What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack…You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes… Men Are Just Happier People…

NICKNAMES… If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT…When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators…YEP! MONEY… A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale. (To be continued next week…)

 

More Things for Thought

*When asked by a grateful nation “How can we thank you, General Washington” … he replied, “You can put me on the $1 bill so that I may be stuffed in the thongs of strippers by my beloved countrymen for all eternity”.

*The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Rectangle… and then one portion of it just seemingly disappeared somehow.

*I stopped believing for a little while this morning… Journey is gonna be so pissed.

*Saw a guy getting beat up by four guys and he was barely hanging on so I decided to help… he stood no chance against the five of us.

*When Jesus does come back… it’s a sure bet he will be detained at the airport.

*We’ve spent considerable time crunching the numbers in our retirement account… and it’s time to figure out who will be wearing the mask and who will be driving the getaway car.

*My position on marijuana… slumped in a bean bag chair, nearly asleep, covered in crumbs and snack wrappers. 

*Overheard at the store: “If I had a dollar for every time some d**khead told me cussing wasn’t ladylike I’d have a sh**load of damn money”!

*If I worked in a used record store my parting remark to all customers would be “All sales are vinyl!”

*If your lawyer is wearing a suit that doesn’t fit and talking on a flip phone… you’re going to jail.

*When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy, excited people using some new cleaning product… the only thing I want to buy is the meds they must be on.

*Now that I’ve gotten old and everything is going to hell I’ve made a new rule… I will not trim my ear hair until it begins to interfere with my peripheral vision!

*Algebra is a lot like sex.  I didn’t really get it in high school… and I definitely don’t get it now.

*Mom told me about a stock she’s owned for 20 years called Amazon… since she did that I’ve been running all her errands, telling her I love her and commenting on how my sister never calls.

*If a frog burped… how would you even know?

*Excuse me, your cleavage seems to have developed crow’s feet… and it’s making me sad.

*Safe sex? You mean like in the back of a Volvo?

*On the ‘Husband’s Hierarchy of Diseases” dysentery, typhoid fever, Ebola and malaria all rank below the “man-cold”.

*Turn left at the Starbucks then go straight until you see the little French restaurant and turn right.  It’s right there next to the place with the great pulled pork. If you see the Dunkin’ Donuts you’ve gone too far… how I give directions.

*I need to start buying condiment colored shirts; no spill no frill.

*I’d rather have everyone think I had a cocaine problem than have them know I just finished a whole box of powdered donuts by myself.

*Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of a mermaid.

*They say that New Zealand has a sheep population of greater than 60 million… how did they stay awake long enough to figure that one out?

*At what age do you have the talk with your daughter about how she isn’t the princess of anything and she’ll have to get a job… is it six?

*Supermarkets should have shifts for shoppers… based on age, efficiency and how many kids you have with you.

*Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes… unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.

*Okay, okay!  So it was a HUGE mistake giving a BB gun to that chimpanzee!

*Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its ability at stealth is just wrong… I say “let them hunt!”

*If you are a real Darwin evolutionist than it should come as no surprise to you that in a thousand years soccer players won’t have arms.

*An elderly person was reported as saying “In my defense, they should have been more specific as to which part of the restaurant I was supposed to ‘drive thru’!”

 

#

No Comments »

March 24th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #667 (3-24-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Democrats Support Anti-Rock Legislation…

 

True story: A man landed in intensive care after being struck in the head with a rock during a fight last Thursday afternoon in Suisun City, according to police. At about 3 p.m. on March 16, officers received a call about a fight in the 700 block of Monte Carlo Drive. When they arrived, they found a 29-year-old man on the ground with a head wound. He was apparently hit during a fight with two other men, who fled in a late model black Volvo with two female passengers, according to police.

The People’s Republic of Davis has asked for new legislation (a new rule) outlawing rocks on all college campuses, keeping them at least 1,000 feet  away from all schools and making a permit from the DOJ necessary for possession.

 

Turkey Season Opens Tomorrow

(See related story in today’s newspaper or below here)

Speaking Of Turkey

 First let me say about local government; I know a few care, most don’t. This is about the type of city government we have and the type a few people want.

 

  1. Here’s the form of government we have: It is a city manager form. There is also a strong mayor form which we don’t have. Under our form of government the public elects a mayor and four council people to represent them. The mayor is essentially elected independently to more or less run the city council meetings. That position has some limited special duties like proclamations and appointments (with council ratification) and is a member of various outside groups representing the city.

Neither the mayor nor council people can order any city employee to do anything. Any three members of the council can order the city manager to do whatever they deem needed. The city manager either complies or the council finds a new city manager.

Each council member has various duties and committees to which they are assigned. The council meets the second and fourth Tuesday of each month and meets in “closed session” before many meetings to discuss either personnel (labor negations) or legal matters. All closed session matters are strictly confidential but when any vote is taken the results are made public.

The city manager runs the day to day activities of the city and is the city’s lead negotiator with the six various unions within the city employee groups. If the council wants anything done they turn to the city manager who either does it or gets it done. He hires and fires (or oversees it) all employees including the police and fire chiefs. Only the city attorney and city manager are hired and/or fired by the majority of the council.

It’s quite simple really. The city is a multi-million dollar big business run by a CEO (city manager) and over seen by a board of directors (city council). The taxpayers are the stockholders and they elected their directors, keep them when they do good and boot them when they fail…easy enough to understand huh?

 

A Few Want Changes Made Just Because

 

  1. Mike Ceremello… said in his column last week: “I will refrain from personally insulting any member of the council or city staff.” Then Ceremello with his mental instability growing worse by the week, attacks the three members of the council he can’t control and builds up his protégée as he continues to guide him down the path of ruin… just like he did to himself.
    Small but vocal groups (consisting mostly of Mike Ceremello) think they know what’s better for this city than the collective city council has deemed is in the best interest of the citizens.
  2. Understand Ceremello: 1. Lost his city council seat. 2. Ran for mayor and lost and has been bitter ever since.  Ran for council again and I supported him and he lost again and I was elected instead. 4. Recently, at the last election, ran for city treasurer and a young man with no experience, background or knowledge of the position trounced him although Mike was way educationally more qualified for the position than most of our citizens.
  3. The Ceremelloittes (two maybe three people) had the new mayor convinced the city manager shouldn’t be the lead negotiator in dealing with the city’s six unions… the people he oversees on a daily basis. The new mayor proposed we hire an outside negotiator and brought it up to the council without apparently checking the cost. The council informed him/them (the same group that has complained about the city manager’s salary) that it would cost about $100,000 for each negotiator for each group… $600,000 that the city manager does as part of his job. The new mayor’s suggestion didn’t get very far.
  4. This one man group led by and chaired by and owned by and governed by Ceremello wants the city to keep the water company he had them buy when he was on the council years ago. They didn’t check into the infrastructure apparently and now it is operating at a deficient and projects costs of about -$14,000,000 (million) to repair the old system. Water rates are going out of sight and I’ve been calling for the city to sell this turkey ASAP…. and Ceremello is fighting this too… go figure. Yep, take a private specialized company (SID) and give it to the bureaucrats to run and things will be better.
  5. Ceremello wrote in his column (in response to me calling him a professed know it all) that he does indeed know it all and is smarter than everyone else and won’t apologize for it he says he can’t help it. He has also sniveled about being the self-appointed government watchdog and bemoans the fact he is the lone ranger in that he has to fight the public’s battles (as he see them) for everyone else who is to lazy to support him on his grand quests.
  6. For those of you who are starting to see a clearer picture here, Mike sees himself as an embarrassingly sixth member of the council. He even showed up at the new COP swearing in ceremony in a ratty old white shirt with the city logo on it and flip flops. He has made it his full time vocation to go to every meeting he can and speak on every subject calling the city attorney a liar and city staff members idiots. He says he knows more than all of them about any of their jobs… more about the law, city government, public works…etc. You get the idea. He obviously has a problem or two and he is doing this now because he is running for a council seat what will come up for election in 2018. Guess he figures the public will forget his costly antics (he has reportedly cost the taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in the last several years to no avail, not so cute now huh?) the taxpayers must bear… and the fifth time is the charm?

The point of all of this is you have five individuals you elected to serve you on the council…Ceremello, the Don Quixote of Dixon, must be allowed to be who and what he is at public meeting… by law, and he abuses the privilege… so before you buy into any of his “expert” ideas… just consider the source. Just weigh his opinions against the city council and our professional city employees… you know, the idiots and liars.

 

 

More Things For Thought

*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying.  We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.

*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.

*Surprise parties are great!  First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.

*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.

*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.

*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.

*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.

*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.

*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.

*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?

*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!

*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!

*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation?  That fool just leans on the darn door bell.

*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!

*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!” 

*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.

*The wife finally found her sleep number.  Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.

*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.

*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.

*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.

*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!

*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.

*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?

*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.

*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?

*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!

*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.

#

No Comments »

March 24th 2017
Wild Turkey Season Opens Saturday

Posted under That's Life Columns

Turkey Season Starts Tomorrow

By Ted Hickman, Outdoor Editor

(Pictured is me and our granddaughter, Kaylee, with her first turkey a couple of years ago)

            Yep, this Saturday the pilgrim in many of us will take hold and we’ll dress up like its Halloween with full camo, get out our shotguns (that we just put away from duck/pheasant seasons) and hunt the big and wary California Wild Turkey (not the one you drink). Many will be in the fields and wooded areas Saturday way before sunrise and sit in their secluded spot that has been thoroughly vetted for turkeys.

As one sits in the chilly dark and moist mooring air twilight begins to creep into the area chasing away night. Suddenly you begin to hear chirping, purring and the loud gobble that sends chills through your already cold body. The sound is coming from nearby trees where birds as big as 10 to 15 to 20 pounds have spent the night. They are announcing their wake up and sending messages to each other. Then you hear the loud flapping of wings and then birds on the ground with soft clucks and loud gobbles coming from several directions. You get your call ready and start making purring and clucking hen sounds hoping to lure one of the horney gobblers within gun range (you’re right in the middle of breeding season). They can’t use camouflage as a defense so they are blessed with keen hearing and sight. Their survival rate is incredible since they have huge clutches of eggs, family raise them as a group and they have few effective predators around here.

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere appears a big tom turkey with his tail feathers spread out like a fan and he’s doing a weird little turkey trot/dance. He hears your call and slowly migrates towards your position and decoys. He’s just about in range and you put your shotgun sight right on the big bird’s head and then a rabbit runs between you and your prize and scares the crap out of both of you. You no longer have a clean kill shot, he lets out a warning yelp and everything goes to pot in just seconds.

The weeks of scouting, practicing your calls, getting your equipment ready and just waiting for opening day just went up in a poof of smoke… Well, there’s always tomorrow and as most people in this area know there are more and more turkeys around Dixon and this area than ever before. Culling their numbers is important because they are encroaching more and more on populated areas causing both concern and damage. They can even be a danger to humans during breeding season with sharp spurs that can seriously injure humans, especially little humans that might think big bird is cute.

The limit as shown below is from the Ca. fish and game code and means you can take one each year with a visible beard and three birds combined during spring and fall seasons. The second turkey Kaylee shot was a bearded hen… at the time we didn’t even know hens had beards… but it was legal. You can see the beard on the tom in her lap.

Spring General Mar 25 – April 30, 2017 1 bearded 3 per season, combined
Archery Only May 1 – May 14, 2017
Additional Junior Mar 18 – 19, 2017 &
May 1 – 14, 2017

 

No Comments »

March 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #666 (3-17-17)* The Devil Made Me Do It (666) Get it?

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What’s New(s)?

 

            Not much really, basically the same old crap. I’ve now been writing this column in its present form for 12.8 years this week… that’s EVERY week, nonstop, no gaps, and no repeats for 666 straight weeks. That doesn’t include the seven years it appeared in the Dixon Tribune when I was editor in the 60’s and 70’s.

So what? It took all of this time for others to finally figure it was a good way to communicate with the masses.  So the mayor, his junior trainee/councilman, junior’s mother, etc. all now write newspaper columns and seem to think they have a power base outside of my realm… Got a hot flash for you copiers; the tribune readers STILL read this column too… as they have for decades… so ramble on and do your best, or worst, and good luck.

Junior city councilman Devon and his Mensa support group decided to shock the world with his special city council announcement Tuesday. He shakily read from a crip note that he was requesting a special hearing of the local elected group that monitors council behaviour. He wants them to do something to me for what I wrote last week affirming the fact that junior is in trouble and is claiming I violated some sort of council confidentially. I, of course, made sure in advance that what I wrote was correct and legal but I encouraged him to have his day in court, so to speak, so we can publically, once again, go over the lingering charges against him brought by members of the public… He wants a show; bring it.

Oh, by the way, he happens to be on the committee that is set to censor out of line elected officials… duh, just so we make sure there is no conflict. You got a minor league player, with bad coaching, trying to leap into the majors over the body of a season pro… Stay tuned for more high school crap from junior and his lesson on how not to best serve the public. It’s like going from T-ball to the majors before you even know the basics. I’m not really picking on poor Devon he’s just asking for, and creating his own grief.

I did really like him lecturing the rest of the council about “his” people in “his” district. Got a hot flash for junior and his support group. Councilmen Scott and Ted were the last two elected officials to be elected by the whole city, not just one little part, and we represent everyone, all the timesorry Pulte and old town public, but you selected junior and even though he received less than 40 per cent of the vote, and his election paper work is in question by many, he’s yours… but so are we so don’t feel hemmed in by junior.

But on the bright side Councilman Scott and I and Councilman Steve draws no lines when looking as issues. So only junior is concerned with “his” district… I tried to tell him he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know but he just brushed me off… good move boy.

Stay tuned to this channel for the weekly update on the new series…  “As junior learns”.

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied: “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you don’t have to ever feed him again.”Trump 20:16

 

THE YEAR IS 1917

For most of you this will boggle your mind (Then some might remember)! The year is 1917 “One hundred years ago.” What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.

A dentist $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE

EDUCATION: Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month,

And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

1 Pneumonia and influenza

  1. Tuberculosis
  2. Diarrhea
  3. Heart disease
  4. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars…

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.

And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Signs Of The Times…

+A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you.
+Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
+In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
+On a Septic Tank Truck:  Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
+At an Optometrist’s Office:” If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”+On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
+On another Plumber’s truck:  “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
+At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
+On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
+In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
+On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
+At a Car Dealership:  “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
+Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”+In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:  “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
+At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”
+In a Restaurant window:” Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
+In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
+At a Propane Filling Station:  “Thank Heaven for little grills.”
+In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
+And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.”


More Things For Thought…

*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying.  We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.

*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.

*Surprise parties are great!  First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.

*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.

*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.

*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.

*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.

*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.

*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.

*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?

*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!

*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!

*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation?  That fool just leans on the darn door bell.

*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!

*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!” 

*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.

*The wife finally found her sleep number.  Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.

*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.

*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.

*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.

*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!

*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.

*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?

*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.

*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?

*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!

*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.

 

#

 

No Comments »

March 11th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #665 (3-10-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Don’t Forget to set your clocks ahead an hour Saturday night for the stupid DST switch

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Dixon Annual Chamber Dinner Best Ever


            I/we have been to about 50 chamber of commerce annual “Citizen of the Year” dinners” and the one last Saturday stood out as the best ever. They had a pretty full house, great Hawaiian dance entertainment and the super choice of Jack Caldwell as the 2016 top citizen. (See story about Caldwell on page 1). The entire city council was present and the photo above shows a quorum of good sports recruited as part of a group hula. That’s your Mayor, Thom Bogue, left, Vice Mayor Scott Pederson in the center and recent vice mayor and councilman Steve Bird on the right. See how the three of them kept their space top avoid a Brown Act violation? The other photo is of the “Citizen of the Year” Jack Caldwell and presenter Barbara Beckworth.

 

 

“What’s With The Current City Council Crap”?

That’s what I’ve been asked by several people…The young junior member of the council, Devon Minnema, (who has a lovely singing voice by the way) who is always surrounded and obviously led by his family members and constant advisors (who in reality couldn’t lead a lemming charge off a cliff) is involved in a legal battle brought about by his own doing.. He/they only had to swear to the “facts” he/they have stated (which he’s refused to do) and he and his family only have to talk to investigators (which they refuse to do) and the matter would not have gotten this far.

For those of you that don’t know, he was elected in the last election receiving less than 40% of the vote and during, and right after the election, several people came forwards telling the city council he didn’t live in his district the day he took out his nomination papers. So what’s the big deal? If he did he’s in the right place. If he didn’t he can join Stockton’s former mayor in the judicial system to explain himself. This is serious business.

The council has taken the citizen complaints (the only thing it could do) and turned them over to the district attorney’s office and a civil grand jury and voted last week to ask the state attorney general’s office for input to try to end this battle of “he did” —“he did not” debate that is taking up council, staff time and taxpayers dollars. If it is found he didn’t live where he said he did at the time he took out the papers he can be removed from office, face legal proceedings and everything he’s voted on could have to be revisited and redone.

Pictured above is part of City Councilman Devon Minnema’s (third from right) support crew (that he posted on Facebook) that comes to each meeting to advise him on issues.  His stepfather is on the far right with his mother, on the far left the president of a local club to which he belongs and in the back in the white shirt is his father…I don’t know who the other two are.

          So don’t blame us and don’t believe the B.S. or any false news you read or hear. It’s very simple; if he and his family talk to the investigators and swear out affidavits attesting to what they have all been claiming then the matter is simplified… if not, as Popeye would say… you pays your fees and you takes your chances. If the parties involved stepped up to the plate and talked to investigators and gave sworn testimony that what they’ve said is true the council could drop the Quo Warranto being filed with the attorney general.

The story is last week’s IV front page story said “City attorney stands to get tens of thousands” to file Quo Warranto… is simply a fabrication.  I can say one thing; to my knowledge “tens of thousands of dollars” were not asked for nor authorized. The council is bound by certain ethical and state laws to respond to public charges and is doing what it can to bring this thing to a fair, just and quicker end… and that’s all I have to say about that!

 

Ethics And Sexual Harassment; It’s No Joke

 

 

All elected and appoint officials, plus managers, must take these two-two hour state mandated course every two years. After two hours of mandated state training on both subjects here’s what I got.

Ethics: Don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t.

Sexual harassment: Don’t get your honey where you get your money (workplace dilly dallying usually end up with problems) and to be safe don’t: talk, look, joke, or even think about just about anything other than your job. Read California’s ridiculous laws and how they are written and you’ll see what I mean. The law suits are very expensive and as usual only the attorneys come out way on top.

In the work place jokes and comments about women, LGBT, race, religion, just damned near anything needs to be avoided or yesterday’s “friend” might be tomorrow’s new Mercedes driver. So be very, very careful what you say and do, all it takes is a word or a glance and HR could be sending you a note.… You know I just saw this good looking chick…oh, never mind.

The funny thing is I just recently had to take state mandated comprehensive courses and tests on ethics and sexual harassment to renew my Ca. Real Estate license… but of course it doesn’t count for, or as much, as a two-two hour lectures we just had to sit through… go figure.

 

 

 More Things For Thought

 

*The real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is that the fish get caught in them… this makes the fishermen laugh and they fall out of the boat.

*Our Grand kids are apparently very optimistic every glass they leave sitting around the house is half full.

*So why do we call it “toilet paper”? … Does anyone actually wipe their toilet with it?

*Someone once asked me what my view is on lesbians… apparently “usually in high def” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

*My wife drives me to drink… unless a friend volunteers.

*For someone who said “correct me if I’m wrong”…  you seemed genuinely upset and surprised when I did.

*One of the doc’s in our local practice group treats a large number of coma patients. When asked what motivated him to do so he said “I’m just here to put smiles on their faces”… as he slipped the cap back on the Sharpie.

*Nothing says “proper retirement planning” like a trash can over flowing with losing lottery tickets.

*I bumped into one of my old classmates the other day with a beer belly, thinning hair and a gray mustache… she’s really let herself go.

*People always ask “would you rather be right or happy?”… I’ve always found I’m the happiest when I’m right.

*Just for your information… that circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down the car window is giving away your age.

*If only ISIS would have kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter… we wouldn’t be dealing with all this crap.

*Gynecologist was making small talk during the exam.  “So, you’re in the military?”  “Yes”, she replied… “Well, thank you for your cervix!”

*Divorce court is just like regular court… except the judge sentences you to freedom.

*Gonorrhea is the name of the medication used to treat diarrhea… right?

*Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is good for my health… it takes me three times as long to walk home from the bar.

*Many English names are derived from occupations… Fletcher (makes arrows), Cooper (makes barrels) and Cunningham (raises tricky pigs).

*I find I’m somewhat disappointed… I thought being an adult would involve a lot more sex.

*My neighbor has no clue why there are several piles of fecal matter on his porch… I have no clue why he would choose to use a power saw at 5:28AM.

*I was startled by a loud fart…….I was fartled!

*My old girlfriend asked me what would make her shoes look sexier… “Give them to your sister” was apparently a relationship-breaking response.

*If you are a cannibal then technically it’s hunting… not murder.

*There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant… yet another tragedy avoided.

*Saw two of my kids hugging one another and then realized they were choking each other… oh, okay, that makes a lot more sense.

*A physician was breaking some bad news to a man from Rome. “I’m very sorry.  You have HIV.  Any questions?”… “Yes, what the hell is H4?”

*I think at this point in my life my liver would greatly benefit from a body transplant.

*Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing with my life- Where I’m going.  If I’ll fall in love.  What I want in life… then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

*Burgers, she wrote… Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

*The children were nestled all snug in their beds… until they had to pee, get a drink, show me they can whistle and ask me if birds have teeth.

*The leading causes of death among men: Heart disease, cancer, buying the wife a gym membership for Valentine’s Day.

*”Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?”… the title of an instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people the finer points of canoeing.

*We’re all so glad the drought here in California is apparently over.  Last summer going through the mountains there was a Forestry Service sign… “Extreme Fire Hazard…Don’t Even Fart in the Forest!”

 

 

 

#

No Comments »

March 4th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #664 (3-3-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Big Dixon Protest Planned

 

I want to lead a major protest against all protests. An all-American protest team made up of veterans, law enforcement, people that think right, those with common sense and those who are just pissed off and fed up.

Currently these “students” can apparently cut the classes we pay for and get a day out of school and college with no repercussions. And these big crowds of professional demonstrators… do none of them have jobs? If they did they wouldn’t have time to attend all of these protests… unless… that is their job and we are paying them with social services to spout their mimicked, bandwagon feelings.

Then you have a local yokel who has the “guts” to write a letter against the president and have it published in an area newspaper. You know, this guy really has guts, right? So I thought I’d help him out and I sent his letter to the editor to the president and his people… You’re welcome. I do what I can.

I want to lead the protest against the main stream media that seems to be incapable of writing or reporting a legitimate news story without altering the facts or editorializing (including ALL Sacramento T.V. stations). Examples? The left wing media insists on calling illegal aliens “undocumented immigrants” rooting up support for people who have chosen to be in this country illegally, as opposed to the millions who have taken the trouble to become documented. There are only three kinds of Americans: native born, documented wanting to become citizens and illegals: See the difference… legal alien and illegal aliens…  The illegals want all of the rights without any of the responsibilities of citizenship. Want to try to sneak into Mexico and see what happens…didn’t think so. I’m sure a lot of people I know… know of someone without papers. If they aren’t criminals in the criminals law sense have them keep their heads down, as they always have, until the smoke clears and then apply for papers. No one is after the multi-generational working class people with clean records.

I want to protest the actors who are getting zillions of dollars for doing their “jobs” and pretending to be something they aren’t… and then receive a trophy and feel qualified to criticize the leadership of this country. Who cares what the hell they think? I guess, Barbara, Rosie and the other big mouths that said they were going to Canada if Trump won either changed their minds or the smart Canadians rejected them saying they had enough idiots of their own and didn’t need any more.

 

Every day an associated press writer, for whatever reason, writes trash about our President with subtle editorializes like the one (of many) this week by Gillian Flaccus that said in part “In the days after Donald Trump’s election, thousands of teenagers across the nation walked out of class in protest. Others rallied to his defense.” Read carefully the Washington Post and other major media and ALL associated press writings and you’ll see the subtle attempts to alter the facts to the left way of thinking.

With all of the real fake news flowing like beer through a kidney I thought I would present some real local news for a change. I am organizing a major protest to protest all of the protests. Have you been watching the B.S. protests around the county and the world? Mexico, the U.S. overseas and almost every country has some group protesting something.

Here’s its mainly the losers who could never conceive the possibility they could lose because they are  from a national group of pseudo-intelligent, entitled, well-educated idiots joining the have nots who are firmly entrenched in the welfare system  Ever wonder how all of these people get off work to attend protest after protest? It’s easy; they are protesting because many are afraid they may have to actually go to work.

My protest will be a major one like the million man march on D.C. But mine will be the dozen person march to protest the stupidity, cost and waste of time to protest to deaf ears. Ears will hear my protest because we will have veterans in the protest saying if you want to protest, protest the fact there are many vets and their families doing without. Meanwhile second and third generation non workers, and imported future democrats using Hijrah (Hijrah: Migration for the Cause of Allah) suck off and drain the system. We will be joined by a senior citizen or two that feel social security is a right not an entitlement and they are being screwed out of a lifetime of money taken from them not to be returned.

  

I want to protest the mother trying to change the sex of her very young son because she thinks he wants to be a girl… and all others trying to change children into transgender little children? Adults can make that decision if they wish but for God’s sake let children mature before you cut off or add parts nature in its wisdom has given them.

            Also we’ll protest unisex bath rooms in schools…  don’t children have enough to deal with now days without having to be concerned about who is watching them pee?

My list is a lot longer than this but I’ve run out of space. So if you want to cut school and not be penalized or show welfare or unemployment you actually did something, join me in one of my protests time and place TBA.

Today’s Short Reading From The Bible

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

Sheriff’s Department

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.  We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six ambulance-chasing lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a jackrabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant. “You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

 

More Things For Thought

*I tried a vegan recipe book last night…….turns out it was much tastier than any of the recipes it contained.

*There’s no specific, scientific, known reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos is going to make me feel better… that’s why it is called “faith”.

*I no longer drink water… not after I learned what it did to the Grand Canyon.

*I don’t have really high intellectual standards for a future wife… but I insist she know that Homer is not a Simpson and Plato is not clay.

*My doctor told me I can get back to my college weight in about 4 months if I just go for a brisk 300-mile walk each morning.

*A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits… and people who order a quad-shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

*Were you aware you can skydive without a parachute… but mostly only once.

*Marriage:  It’s a way where two people can join together in an attempt to solve the problems they never had previously.

*The families in Eggo commercials live in nice homes and appear to have money… why are they always fighting over one crappy frozen waffle?

*I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow, you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring the dress code”.

*You think you’re having a bad day… the lady who just took my order at the drive-thru asked if it was to go.

*I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol… and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.

*Kids are a lot like donuts… they’re sweet and yummy but after two you’re like “what the hell have I done?”

*Mexican jokes and Black jokes are pretty much the same… once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

*It had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package”… no man is putting those two words so close together.

*Telling your kids you were born before the internet is going to be the new “I walked to school five miles in the snow uphill, both ways!”

*If you see someone standing in a public place crying it’s always proper to show concern… ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

*Sex so good you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.

*It’s very important to me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant because I won’t be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.

*My grandson asked me “what’s the secret to a long life?”… “Never order vegetarian in Texas.”

*Podiatrists don’t use the metric system… they only deal with feet.

*There was a note on the bedside table that said “this isn’t working”… but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. What’s her problem?

*My version of Ricky Martin’s hit… livin la vida broka!

*As a kid there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when I grew up… and boy, have I nailed it!

*Just a heads up guys… if you ask your wife how to spell “manage a trois” she’s going to want to know why.

 

 

#

No Comments »

February 24th 2017

Posted under That's Life Columns

THE “GLORY HOLE” OVERFLOWETH

 

Picture #1 was taken at Lake Berryessa by Eric Hourmouzus of Dixon on  last week.

Picture #2 was taken on February 18, by Lake Berryessa News

Picture #3 was taken last summer from the road by Trey Hickman

Picture # 4 was taken by Ted Hickman from the water last summer/fall

The lake level was near or at an all time low of 398.6 feet in October of 2016. Experts said it would take years for the lake to fill and the  famous Glory Hole wasn’t even predicted to flow again in the foreseeable future. On January 28 of this year the lake was only at 427.3 feet. Last Friday it was officially full and over flowing at 440.01… It’s been 10 years since that’s happened. People come from all over to see this big drain hole and the traffic has been a nightmare but the merchants in Winters love it. If you want to venture up to see it do it during the week and watch out for landslides!

No Comments »

Next »



--->