September 23rd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #640 (9-23-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

2016-election

Colon Crapernick & Company

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 (For the few who may not know Colon Crapernick is a quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers professional football team who refused to stand for the national anthem and instead knelt and refused to put his hand over his heart… to protest social injustice and the way cops are killing minorities, I guess cops killing other non-minorities is OK.)

Colon: “The section of the large intestine that runs from the cecum to the rectum,”…

I have a suggestion to help out Colon and his few followers… No, not that one… I have a positive solution to their mental problems. He and his kneelers, sitters and fist raisers actually have it in their power to make some constructive changes to this horrible nation… Here goes…

You and your “professional athletic supporters” followers can actually make some strides towards great social changes by starting an organization with the sole purpose of analyzing society and help enacting behavioral changes to avoid confrontations between all people and the law enforcement community you see as a problem. You pulled down what, almost $15 million for one year so you and your friends are all multi-multi-millionaires right? How about putting some of that cache, this disgusting country enabled to all to get, to work for your cause instead of just your mouths. How many of these “protesters” got a free education and training to become a pro paid for by this nasty nation?

You and your buddies can pool you money (and no doubt get a tax write off from this horrible nation) and start a foundation dealing with all of the social wrongs you perceive and come up with positive changes that can be made to help all concerned. Duh, you and your brain trust never thought of that or you’re too cheap with your multi millions to put your money where your mouth is? Your little group has the  financial ability to actually help study and improve social interactions in, let’s say Chicago where over 500 killings have happened so far this year, where mostly minorities have been killing minorities.

 

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I think as far as I, and 99 per cent of the citizens of this horrible country are concerned, either put up or shut up… you and all of your followers need to be condemned for starting more problems and doing nothing to help solve them… except blab. You have the bucks, and for today at least the media’s attention, so why not get off your knee, give your Colon a rest, and help instead of hurt.

Don’t get me wrong you’re entitled to your opinion and all the millions of those who fought and died for your freedom (to be an ungrateful taker of everything this country has to offer) of speech and expression well, we’d … Forget it I’ve wasted enough space on this guy.

Hey, Crap, when you get to play again sprain a finger so you can still collect your millions for not playing… That’s the American way huh? This will appear in my column here, on the web at tedhickman.com and on Facebook… Some of us on the other side are not afraid to speak up! Cut the Crap, do him a favor and trade him to the Bears… there’s plenty going on in Chicago for him to be concerned about!

 

The 100 MPH Goat… True Story!

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Two Elmira rednecks are out rattlesnake hunting, and as they are walking along over by the Timm Ranch they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. They turn around just in time to see a black and white goat come crashing through the underbrush at extremely high speed, run up to the hole and, with absolutely no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old goat farmer named Herman saunters up to them. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my black and white goat around here anywhere, did you?” The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and that goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped…  headfirst into the hole!”

The old farmer says, “Naw, that’s impossible, can’t be mine … I had him chained to a transmission.”

 

From The Email box…

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Hi Ted, I want to thank you for bringing this site to our attention! I wasn’t sure at first if you were putting us on or it was a real site. I never know about you! Anyway, I signed up for it and it is great. My phone has never been so quiet! 🙂 E.M. Dixon

As the lady says it really works. If you missed it I did a little piece on NOMOROBO a free web site that negates all (or most at least) computer generated calls. You know the ones I’m talking about the “Robo Calls” that ring at all hours and when you answer there’s a slight delay and then the spiel begins. The Robo calls (robot calls I guess since they are not human) can pretty much be history until the scumbags figure a way to get around this FREE security system, with which you can go from a dozen calls a day to none. The calls that need to get through do; it’s just the ones with the delay that get cut off. Your phone may ring but you just don’t answer it until the third ring (to give the computer time to end it).

We had it for a while and then lost it so we really appreciated it when I got it back by simply going on line to www.nomorobo.com and following the simple directions… After getting it you at first think your phone may be broken but it’s just back to the way it should be with only the call you want coming through… Try it, it works well for us and many of our readers… unless you like the constant interruptions… then don’t do it.

 

More Things For Thought!

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*I saw a couple standing in the park, holding each other gazing into one another’s eyes.  It was touching… someone must have stolen their phones.

*Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of a mermaid.

*Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterward?

*At what age should you have the talk with your daughter and tell her she’s really not the princess of anything and she’ll have to get a job… is it 6?

*If your brain produces large amounts of excess saliva then you have an overactive patooey-tary gland.

*Why do football players dance when only good crap happens… just once I’d like to see a quarterback throw an interception and follow it up with a sad interpretive dance.  

*Just once I’d like to have a number between 1 and 10 think of me.

*’Bad’ is accidentally sending your buddy a dirty, suggestive text intended for your girlfriend… ‘Worse’ is getting “lemme think about it” as a reply.

*Apparently, when the wife asks you to get your toddler down off your bed she doesn’t men to knock him off with a pillow.

 

*Once in high school I wrote a poem so sublime I had to turn my desk upside down and row away on a river of molten thongs and cheerleader tears.  

*I just dropped $2 somewhere in my car and can’t find it… guess I have a savings account now.

*The ZZ Top lyric “Every girl’s crazy for a sharp dressed man” is 5 words too long.

*Can somebody please tell me why there are weight limits on elevators… But not on slutty clothes?

*I get it, your honor… randomly hitting fat kids isn’t considered ‘fighting the war on childhood obesity’.

*I want to become a librarian so badly… I just love books, and I love telling people to shut up even more.

*What is the proper etiquette for a colonoscopy… I want to say “I appreciate what you’re doing here” without seeming flirty.

*My favorite extreme sport is staying awake all night… wondering where my life went wrong.

*Sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice going, Einstein”… without sounding sarcastic.

*They say that every village has an idiot… however; I think my village is the one where they keep the spares.

*Well of course heads are going to roll… they’re kinda round, aren’t they?

*I don’t mean to sound like a racist, but why do all Chinese food “take-out” boxes look the same?

*Are “friends with sexual tension but no benefits” a thing…yeah, I’m fairly certain it’s a thing.

*Kids are so much braver than adults… if I believed in a fairy that came in the night to collect human teeth from under my pillow… I’d never sleep again!

*I’ve always been the man they date just before they meet the man of their dreams.

*If you have a parrot and you haven’t taught it to say “Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”… you’re wasting everybody’s time.

*If Bruce Jenner wants to be a woman that’s fine… he just wants to prove there’s one normal woman in that family.

*Historically people turned grapes into wine, corn into whiskey, agave into tequila and sugarcane into rum… more modern people are turning soy, rice and almonds into milk.

*Hulk Hogan explained to Barbara Walters how he had to overcome manic-depressive disease… her response, “So you had to wrestle mania?”

*The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

*I would be willing to bet that the braille on public signage, that the government insists on, only says “how did you know this was here?”

 

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September 16th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #639 (9-16-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

That’s Life©1966 #639 (9-16-16)*

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

 

 

Crappy Dove Season Stuff

 

Dove season started on September 1 and ran through the 15th  (yesterday) as it does every year. The difference is this year it started out crappy and got worse. Granted there’s plenty of feed for the migrating birds but it’s been that way before and the traditional flyways always produced birds. This year is the worst we’ve seen in decades. Drought, Eurasians running off the morning doves or breeding them out of existence… We don’t know. Not even local bird expert, and IV columnist Fred Vanderwold, (pictured) with a Eurasian in one hand and native dove in the other and his partner Rebel had any answers. And just in time comes the retarded California Fish and Wildlife expanding the possession limit to 15… Go figure. These bozos still don’t know there’s a serious wild pig problem that isn’t going to go away and only getting worse. So what do these Mensa appointed tree hugging clowns do? They increase the price of pig tags and severely reduced the amount of pig hunting. Jerry, please before you leave office put someone on the commission whose actually been outdoors and someone else who has actually fished or hunted.

 

A QUIZ

 

A Quiz or Intellectuals

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinski
  2. Bill Clinton
  3. Hilary Clinton
  4. Adolph Hitler
  5. Jorge Bergoglio
  6. Winnie Mandela
  7. Vladimir Putin
  8. Linda Lovelace
  9. Saddam Hussein
  10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, right?

Let me get this straight, you know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters,

But… You don’t know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely…

 

 

This Information Is For Catholics Only

 

 

 

(Every now and then I feel the need to pass on something of a religious nature sent to me to offset some of the “marginal” things that appear in this space… so here goes 🙂


It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most
of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with
good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros
and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an
HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when
to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known asThe Chip Monk. (I know moan… but someone may not have heard this one!

 

 

Gun Show Is Coming…Gun Show Is Coming!

 

Ye-haw! For the first time in like a zillion years a real gun show will be coming to the Dixon May Fair grounds February 18th and 19th 2017… Yep, you heard it here first. There will even be local exhibitors, vendors and guns and collectors of all kinds. The promoters will keep us advised and we’ll pass the word on to all of you right winged, NRA types who will want to attend and we’ll warn all of you tree huggers so you can take the kids and get out of town that weekend… Fair enough?

Pictured is Nicole Arabia who is the co-promoter with her husband John. She’s wearing a Dixon gun show hat and can be reached at 916-542-8010 or contacted at:

Dixon Gun Show@gmail.com.

The show will feature exhibitors selling and everything gun related but they want everyone to know they  “Encourage responsible gun ownership”.

More Things For Thought

*I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a three-year old.

 

*I’m not sure if I really like going to the movies… or if I just like staring at something whilst I eat popcorn.

*”I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm’s never glum, because how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

*Good, good, good … if it isn’t that guy that’s very well with grammar.

*Redneck word of the week… twerk:  “I’m going to have two more beers than its back twerk.”

*When the wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday I winked at her… she gave me eye drops.

*I’m not good at pushups, or sit ups, or even those damn pull ups… but I’m great at screw ups.

*Everyone else seems to have countless selfies and Facebook photos of themselves from neat places all around the world… and I’m, like, here’s another shot of me from a different angle in my La-Z-Boy.

*I didn’t set out to gain all this weight… it happened by snaccident.

*It seems that Mr. Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

*It’s well known that some members of a prison population become very well-read and crafty with words… apparently you can mix prose with cons.

*When a dish or a plate comes out of the dishwasher still dirty I run it thru again… Because I believe in second chances.

*I knew a guy who had a “lazy eye” and had to wear an eye patch… my whole body is lazy so I wear my couch.

*Pizza is a really good argument against the philosophy of nihilism.

*I just found out “el chapo” is a Mexican drug lord… and not the guy that’s been stealing our chap-sticks for years.

*Had a questionable job interview… when asked if I could pass a pee test I said “sure! Distance or accuracy?”

*Ninety percent of being a pharmacist is fighting off the babes….

*I find it an odd trait of humans that some of the richest and most prosperous amongst us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.  

*Confucius says… “Man who goes thru airport turnstile sideways is not going to Bangkok.”

*Trying to decide which candidate to vote for is very similar to trying to decide which STD is just the right one for me.

*I was invited to go smoke a joint with some Mexicans down the street… I asked them if they had papers and they all ran off.

*Its obvious chocolate was created for women… after all; it is called Hershey, not hisshey.

*Sometimes just walking past the front of a nursing home serves as a good reminder to go buy my kids whatever they seem to want.

*”Happiness comes from within”… which is why it feels so good to fart.

*I enjoy the simple things in life… like recklessly spending all my money and being a disappointment to my family.

*I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm… the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel weak and dizzy.

*You might have a million dollar body… but you’ve got a food stamp face.

*If you’re ovulating and then engage in sex standing up… is that a standing ovulation?

*Mosquitos are a lot like family… annoying, but they share your blood.

*It is definitely true that ‘time flies when you’re having fun’… however, it is also true that time eventually rests on a tree branch and craps on your head.

*Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

 

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September 16th 2016
Human Trafficking Here… Now!By Ted Hickman from That’s Life column.

Posted under That's Life Columns

Human Trafficking, Here-Now!

Do something about it!


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This is a high profit, low cost business where despicable people can make a lot of money selling something that’s not theirs… your sons and daughters. These dirtball criminals kidnap children all over the world and either sell them into a miserable life of sexual slavery or set up in business selling them as sexual slaves themselves forcing them to have sex and do unthinkable things with up to 20 people a day. It really didn’t hit home until cases started popping up in Solano and right in this area. In only happens in third world countries you think… Wrong, it is prevalent in California with Sacramento being a hub for transfer of these modern day slaves from one scumbag to another and there are now cases hitting home right in our immediate area, right here, right now. Castration and slowly beating to death with a ball bat is too good for these criminals but you as a business owner, or if you’re law enforcement, can learn what you can do to help stop their illegal human trade right here in Dixon.

On October 29, there will be a Human Trafficking Awareness conference right here in Dixon. The IS 80 corridor is a mainline for these creeps and their poor captives. Yes, they come right through here and may even stop with their captives for food or drink. Our police and first responders will be involved in this conference but they need anyone who has contact with the “just passing through” crowd to attend this FREE conference to learn what can be done to help with this problem. Seating is limited. Law enforcement first responders and business people from throughout the area will gather here to listen to experts in the field. If you are interested you can call Phil Lockwood at 707-592-1248 and reserve a seat… This is a morally important issue and if you can help you really should.

 

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September 9th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #638 (9-19-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

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In a matter of moments last week our son Trey took the photos above from his house in rural Dixon showing a incredible sunset over the foothills. He took the photos with his cell phone and no alterations were made. People who know about these things said it was a rare occasion to see these formations of clouds and the incredible change in  clouds in a matter of minutes… If you saw it you were probably in Awe too!

Nomorobo” Stuff

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            I’ve told you about this before but it needs repeating… especially for seniors. Go on line or have someone do it for you and sign up for this GREAT FREE service. We forgot how great it was until we somehow got disconnected from it and started getting the computer generated “robo calls” from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m.; about six to eight a day. I went back into the site and re-entered the information and glory hallelujah the calls dropped to about zero (every now and then one may sneak through i.e. “Hello mester Ted I jam calling jeu about yor Microsoft computer…it es in danger)…” and the beautiful silence was restored. If you are getting these annoying calls just go to Nomorobo and stop them. Many have had to check their phones after installing it to see if they were still working!

Ok, you’ve enabled and verified Nomorobo on your phone. What now? Just use your phone like normal. The only thing that you should do is to wait for the second ring to answer the phone (Nomorobo needs the first ring to detect robocallers). If you only hear one ring and then it stops, you know a robocaller was just blocked. If the phone continues ringing, you should answer it.

Will this block my doctor’s office, prescription reminders, school closings, weather advisories, etc.? No. The only numbers that are blocked are illegal robocallers. Hey! A robocaller still called me! Occasionally a robocaller or a telemarketer will slip through. Just like spam, they keep changing their tactics and Nomorobo keeps adapting. If you do get a robocall, please report it.  I have more questions! If you have any other questions, comments, or suggestions, please check their help desk.

 

Where’s The Flags Stuff

moving flag

Emails, 50 to 100 a day… “Ted: How come MacDonald’s and Burger King quit flying the American Flag? A bundh of us are refusing to spend money at any business that can fly the flag but doesn’t. Can you find out why? “Sure. Why are you guys not flying the flag anymore?

There… If that doesn’t do it why don’t you ask them?

Traffic Stuff, Speedways

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From texts and Email and phone and going out in public, social media and carrier pigeon: “Ted when is somebody going to do something about the: … speeding, cars running stop signs, people talking on their phones and texting, the drag strip at the high school, the kids playing “frogger” to get to or from Northwest park or to and from school.

This is actually something we can do something about! I have asked the city manager to have the Traffic Advisory Committee not only to look at a four-way stop for Almond and West A Street but putting a “15 MPH speed zone” when children are present, at all school and 2/3 of the streets around Northwest Park. If you’ve ever been to Nevada people there obey the school speed zone and the crosswalks religiously… If they don’t they face a hefty fine with no options. One big fine that’s it. No debate… we need the same thing here. I’m tired about the barbs about the “do nothing” police department turning their heads and “not doing anything” about the dangerous traffic problems. I want to hear some whining about the police department handing our citations like candy at Halloween…; I’ll have one answer… “Glad you got a tickets we may have just saved a child’s life… slow the *#@& down, get off your phone and pay attention to your driving.”

Bumper thingies are supposed to be coming for the high school speedway and the solar electronic speed signs are “coming” (so’s Christmas) for each school and maybe reduced speeds at the schools and  parks… Maybe even before surviving kindergartners reach high school.

 

Confusing Election Stuff

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The reasons people call. “Ted how do I know what voting district I’m in? Do we get a map or a list of streets? Will each district have a different ballot? I’m really confused can you help me out? Will everything be on one ballot and if so how do I know who to vote for and who not to and if I vote for both will; my vote not count then?  What idiot though this up in the first place?” The city staff and I are working on getting answers… because nobody seems to know what’s what at this point in time. As soon as I/we know you’ll know OK?

 

Fix The Damned Streets Stuff

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The reason I don’t go to Safeway or Wal-Mart a lot: “Hey Ted, howya doing? When you guys gonna fix the damned streets. Good question and I’m working on getting an answer. Highway 113 (North First Street) should start to be paved from the overpass to Atkinson’s storage any day now (right) and then next year Cal Trans will continue the job… “Great job you guys paved West A Street that didn’t need it and won’t pave N. First Street that does.”  First Street is a state highway controlled by Cal Trans… That should answer all of your questions.

And the best one: “You guys say you have millions of our dollars in reserve… How about spending our money to fix our streets?”

Nothing is in the works to pave the dangerous State Highway113 from Dixon to highway 12 because there haven’t been enough deaths and no one of importance apparently drives that route.

 

Only California Stupid Stuff

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Did you hear about this one? A group of left winged liberal California nuts this week wants to change the names of all schools named after early famous people and presidents like Washington, Jefferson, etc. “because they were slave owners and the implication has a negative effect on children”…  Really, I’m not kidding. Someone please start a fund to have these idiots neutered so they can no longer breed this ultra-liberal nonsense. I think my ancestors had slaves in the tobacco fields of Virginia so maybe they need to remove my name from the inscription on city hall… (I always have a negative effect on children anyway because my expectations for them are higher for them than they are for themselves.) You go back far enough and any early American family probably had slaves before Lincoln and the Republican Party put an end to it… It’s just a shame you can’t cure stupid. The state of Washington and D.C. will have to think of new cool names… a few come to mind.

 

More Things For Thought Stuff

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*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.

*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to Target.

*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.

**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things… either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.

*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.

*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period?  His paycheck… it comes once a month lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.

*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!

*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.

*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?

*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.

*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.  

*Have 2 tickets for the first Kings game not realizing it’s on the same day as my wedding, so I cannot go. If you would like to go instead… it’s at St. Mary’s church in Sacramento, her name is Amanda.

*The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

*Vegetables are a must on a good diet… may I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.

*Don’t you just love it when you’re singing a song you don’t really know… but that 15 second part you do know is coming up and you are just going to own it!

*I don’t ask for much…I just want all the extra fat on my body to fall off… and turn into cash.

*”Maybe if you go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning” is literally the human version of “have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”

*Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat or do… until one of them dies.

*If humans could fly chances are we’d consider it exercise… and never do it.

*When I bang my toe on something in the night it’s like I pressed a play button that screams every curse word I’ve ever known.

*Times have been tough financially lately… in fact; I’m as broke as the tooth fairy in a house of meth addicts.

*Hospitals are so strange.  On one floor a woman is bringing a new human life into the world while the father looks on…  And on the floor below her a fraternity boy is getting a Wii-remote removed from his butt. The circle of life.

*Based on my hair this morning I think I may be a Muppet.

*They should put confetti in tires… so even if you have a blow-out it’s still kinda an okay day.

*If you fall I will always be there to pick you up… after laughing, and taking a picture and telling a few people about it.

*It’s the little things in life that make you laugh… I never understood that expression until I saw two midgets fighting at Wal-Mart.

*Do girls shake the gas pump handle after buying gas… or is that just a guy thing?

*You never realize how many people you dislike… until you try to pick a name for your kids.

*I stayed up all night thinking “Where does the sun come from?”… And then it dawned on me.

*One day a long time ago one perceptive guy said, “You know where we should all save our money?  Inside the statue of a pig!”… and everybody said that is a GREAT idea!”

*Why do they call them “your bowels” and not “your instinks”?

*Based on his reaction you’d think our dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys or mailmen.

*One of my old girl friends broke up with me because she said I’d never amount to anything… well, many, many years later let me say this: Lucky guess.

*I told my granddaughter her freckles were kisses from angels… she sighed, Goggled and said, “Gramps, they’re actually small individual clusters of concentrated melanin.”

*The wife and I watched all this season’s episodes of “the Outlander” back-to-back… luckily I was the one facing the TV.

*If I say “don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

 

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September 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #637 (9-2-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Kaepernick’s Taken One Too Many Shots To The Head?

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            San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem during a preseason game last Friday out of protest against America’s treatment of “Black people and people of color.” Everyone knows that.

Kaepernick told NFL media he made his own decision to protest the playing of the anthem during the game against the Green Bay Packers, saying he felt an obligation to stand with “People that are oppressed.”

“I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color,” he said. “To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

The cops are getting away with murder? Consider the source… a street-smart (right!), silver spoon in the mouth, urban gang banger who really knows what’s going on (right!)?

You heard the rest from this young multi-millionaire-has-been who apparently has taken one too many blows to the head. This oppressed by white people guy who was raised by white parents, in Turlock of all places, after his mother of color gave him away. He gets his millions from this nasty nation weather he plays or not and of course he will now keep getting “hurt” and won’t play much, but will get paid mucho… Now the American way I guess.

I get where he is entitled to his opinion and that’s it’s covered by the constitution the same as my opinion. To make a statement is one thing, to disrespect a country that gave this curious mix everything he ever dreamed of and more… is another matter. In MY opinion he needs to be traded to some Saudi Arabian team where he will feel more at home with his anti-American hatred… I personally don’t give a rat’s ass what the hell he thinks.

Just don’t forget the hundreds of thousands of veterans who have died and are dying to allow this American hater his right to free speech and to refuse “to stand up to show pride in a flag”. I can’t wait until he gets to play again and some big good old boy, whose father is a cop or vet, decides to teach this Brainiac a lesson in civics by plowing him to the ground… for good maybe.

 

Just A Regular Guy… Sent This To Me

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I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.
I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
 I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happen to me so quickly! Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last seven or eight years!
As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

 

What did you do last Sunday?

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            Son Trey, Linda and I went on a long one-day deer hunt last Sunday just outside of Ukiah in the high foothills overlooking the wine country. A lot of folks don’t realize how high the “foothills” are. We thousands of feet above the fog in crisp morning air. As usual Linda and I didn’t hurt a thing while Trey took a nice forkey. You can barely see Linda’s rifle but she’s looking at a bush through her scope. Great views and weather for this time of the year… so if you wonder what some seniors do on weekends here’s an example… get out in it… and remember it’s the going not the getting that counts… Right!

 

True Story…

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This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said:  “Up until last week, I still had it all!  A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.” I asked him, “What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?”  “Oh no, nothing like that” he said. “No, no … I got paroled…”

 

Clinton’s Wiener In Trouble Again!

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Pictured is the lovely Mr. and Mrs. Weiner a couple of Hil-lie-ry’s top supporters.

One of Hil-lie-ry’s top campaign folks, Muslim Huma Abedin, is dumping her husband and Clinton supporter Anthony Weiner because Tony’s been sexting AGAIN!  Weiner resigned from congress in disgrace in 2011 for sending nudie shots of himself via text’s and then again when he ran for Mayor of New York in 2013 when he couldn’t keep his privates private and had to engage in “Sexting” again… He swore to everyone he had nipped the habit in the butt, so to speak but this past week he let it all hang out again and got caught. This time his devout wife, a sure higher up in any Clinton admiration, said she had enough of Weiner’s wagging and has filed for separation as any good Muslim wife would do after three strikes. How would you like to have a Weiner for Mayor? The folks of NYC didn’t want one so I know where there’s one just hanging out…

 

More Things For Thought

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 *My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.

*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”

*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.

*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.

*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.

*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.

*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!

*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day.  I know this now.

*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.

*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.

*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?

*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.

*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.

*Poor:  an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.

*I was inept with girls in my youth. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger. 

*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?

*You’re just five beers away from being my type.

**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”

*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.

*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl

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August 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #636 (8-26-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Dixon Murder-Suicide

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The reports you’ve heard about a husband-wife murder-suicide a last weekend a few blocks from our home is true. It apparently was the most horrific crime scene in this area’s history done by an apparently completely deranged man (at the time) who went off the deep end … with two children (who weren’t physically harmed) in the home. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know the grizzly details and it was so bad all first responders involved have serious counseling available to them provided by the city. The point is if you are friends, relatives or neighbors of this senseless tragedy do what you can to support the families and especially the children… I don’t know how they will ever get over the trauma… You know in this business, as an elected official and newspaper person, there are sometimes you wish you weren’t privy to information like this… hug your kids and kiss your mate.

 

Political Endorsement Help
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I was running our young bird dog a couple of days ago about 10 a.m. and here comes a skunk down the road right at us, close enough to get this picture with my phone… in broad daylight (not a good thing) and it naturally got me started thinking about the upcoming elections and…

… It’s started already… people asking me what I think about this candidate or that candidate or this or that ballot issue, etc.… At this point in time all I have to say is to look at each candidate, what they’ve done and read the fine print on each ballot issue and then… If it looks like a skunk, it walks like a skunk and it smells like a skunk you can probably bet it will be a skunk and won’t (or can’t) change its stripe Hope this helps!

 

With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…

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…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
  2. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

  1. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)
  2. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
    A. Premature death
  3. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)
  4. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)
  5. What is the fibula?
    A.A small lie
  6. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A. Nearby
  7. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)
  8. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
  9. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
  10. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
  11. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)
    AND THE BEST IS LAST:
    Q. What is a turbine?

Subject: Milwaukee

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Best quote of the evening on events in Milwaukee: “A black criminal pointed a stolen gun at a black policeman, and got shot by that black policeman, who was protecting a black neighborhood. So the residents of that neighborhood rioted and burned down their own neighborhood, because black lives matter!” Did I get that right? Am I missing something?

 

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More Tings For Thought

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*I’m really glad that back in high school we learned so much about parallelograms rather than how to do taxes… it’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.

*The farmer asked the vet if his pig was going to be ok… ..”Yes, just apply the oinkment.  I ham so sorry.  I don’t know what’s bacon me say these things.”

*What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.

*Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? Those were good times.

*Sometimes you’re the cat, sometimes you’re the hairball… inspirational sayings are easy!

*I often think that if I’d taken a different path in life… I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable couch right now.

*Being a husband is a lot like being a weatherman… you can be wrong 90% of the time and still hold onto your job.

*I almost choked to death on a Kale chip… that never happens with Cinnabons.

*You can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers… which are right over there by the sidewalk.

*I can tell she’s getting more mature because she just used the word “genitalia”… instead of “wiener thingie”.

*Found out today that you can’t join a gym “just to watch”.

*My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.

*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”

*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.

*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.

*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.

*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.

*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!

*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day.  I know this now.

*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.

*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.

*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?

*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.

*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.

*Poor:  an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.

*I was inept with girls in my youth.  Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger. 

*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?

*You’re just five beers away from being my type.

**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”

*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.

*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl

*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.

*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to target.

*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.

**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things………either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.

*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.

*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period?  His paycheck… it comes once a month, lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.

*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!

*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.

*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?

*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.

*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.  

 

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August 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #635 (8-19-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Cleaning Out The Garage

2016-8-19

 

And look what I found… my campaign poster for city council race from 1972. You old timers remember those days? I won the election with this snapshot which was taken in archery deer camp in Boise, Idaho by one of my hunting partners just messing around with my camera. The looks may have changed just a little, but I’m still pretty and the slogan still applies. You can see the resemblance in the photo below with Hiliery… and me having to tell her to watch her mouth as well as her hands…

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Good Grief, Sure Hard To Be A Cop

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With all of the crap nationwide about peace officers I don’t think people realize just how hard their jobs are and you have to question why anyone today would want to even enter the field.

For a lot of their work time they have to deal with wackos, drunks, druggies, felons, speeders, thieves, liars, child molesters, wife beaters, dead bodies, lost kids, traffic accidents… it goes on and one… and sometimes all of this crap in one shift depending where they serve. And then they have to go home to their wives and kids and try to lead a “normal” life.

I’m hoping if Trump gets elected he will issue a “shoot on sight” for all looters and a national “Do what you’re told or suffer the consequences,” policy. I’m tired of hearing that every dirtball that is shot was such a “Wonderful, caring person who would never do anything like that.” Bull Ship. Then the suit is always filed to cash in on the dirtball’s demise… As the people at the waste water treatment facility would say…WWTF? A police officer tells you to show your hands; just do it. They tell you to get out of the car; just do it. Whatever they tell you, no matter of your color; just do it. You got a beef? File a complaint or tell it to the judge. Challenge them to a fight and they’ll beat the crap out of you, pepper spray you, and/or taze you (as they should) until you submit and follow instructions… that’s their job!

 

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Pull a gun and hopefully they’ll shoot you as they are taught… center mass (the middle of the chest) until you drop the gun or cease to become a threat… or just cease and become deceased. (I liked the lady in Texas acquitted in Texas in the shooting of an armed burglar. The judge asked her why she shot him six times with a revolver (six-shooter) she said. “Because I didn’t have a seventh shot.”)

Only CWP (concealed weapon permit) holders have even an inkling of an idea of the decision process officers have to make each day in a Nano second. In a CWP class they run you through a series of scenarios, all of which could end badly for both you and your attacker in a self-defense situation… all of which are scary… and police officers face these immediate kinds of decisions each and every day. (We currently have an open minded sheriff who told me he understands rural values and is in favor of CWP for all who can qualify. It’s quite a process (but easy enough) and isn’t quick, but you can obtain one now in Solano County by contacting the sheriff’s department. The more qualified and trained people who carry the better as far as I’m concerned.) You can’t get one in Yolo County and in a life-and-death situation have to wait for help to arrive from their various law enforcement folks… good luck!

You don’t need a permit or license to get a $200 “home protection” 12 gauge pump shotgun from Big 5. That and a box of 00Buckshot will take care of any problem you may encounter at home. Everyone I know now has one should any uninvited dangerous person decide to enter their homes to do them or their families any harm. You don’t need much training; the store can show you how to operate one. Take it out in the country, you and your partner fire a couple of shots and you’re set. No handguns, no 22 rifles, no sprays or hand held cattle prods. When your families’ lives are in danger your best friend “Buck” can save the day. Trust me on this one.

A situation that baffles me is the over the counter availability of real looking weapons both adults and kids can buy. Let’s say you’re a cop and a kid pulls out their gun like one pictured and you have a millisecond to decide, “Is he going to kill me or do I shoot?” These BB guns are on the wall, for sale, at Wal-Mart in Vacaville and I defy anyone to tell me if they are replicas or real handguns… Why in the hell are these things allowed to be sold? The Demoncrats in S-wacko-mento are really big about gun control… How about getting rid of these things which have absolutely no purpose other than to look like a real gun… Huh? How about it all of you running for office?

 

More Things For Thought

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*The man who invented ‘autocorrect’ has died… May restaurant in peace.

*I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

*I’ve invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it comes within one foot…….just don’t carry it in your back pocket.

*I hate it when people say you don’t have to drink to have fun… you don’t have to have running shoes to run but it sure as hell helps.

*Having a beard, from being too lazy to shave, covers my double-chin, from being too lazy to exercise.

*My next career is going to be as a “backwards stripper”.  I’ll come out naked and people will throw money at me to put clothes on……..I oughta make a fortune.

*Irony is getting pregnant on a pull out couch.

*The purpose of having a .50 caliber rifle? It comes in handy when there is a burglar hiding behind the refrigerator… at your neighbor’s house.

*Why is it called a “mugshot” and not a “cellfie”?

*Maybe if we overpaid teachers and underpaid rappers… we’d have smarter kids and less crappy music.

*People who say “go big or go home” are seriously underestimating my willingness to go home… like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

*When a woman is attracted to a man she speaks in a higher voice than normal… that’s why every woman I talk to sounds like Barry White.

*I played hide ‘n seek today……..and I was winning until the cops let the k-9 off the leash!

*I’m glad you moved on.  I’m sure you’ll make someone else very happy…….for about three weeks before they realize you’re awful.

*Rabbits hop and live for 6-8 years.  Dogs walk/run and live 12-15 years.  Turtles don’t do a damn thing and live 150 years… lesson learned.

*If God really loved us He woulda made it possible to suck in love handles.

*I pissed off my wife in a dream she had last night… now I have to buy her flowers and apologize for what “dream me” did.  Marriage is fun.

*If you’re a white guy with cornrows… it should be several acres and in Nebraska.

*Just got an apple seed stuck in my throat.  That’s what I get for trying to eat healthy… peanut butter cups don’t pull this crap!

*Mike’s hobbies include always being right and petting other people’s dogs.

*As you get older you have to put a positive spin on things.  For example, the other day I fell down the stairs……instead of getting upset I thot, “wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!”

*How many times does one have to say ‘excuse me’ before ‘get the hell out of my way’ becomes acceptable?

*I don’t understand why the recommended age for a Ouija board is eight and up… you mean you have to be 21 years old to drink, but only 8 to summon the devil?

*Don’t be afraid of growing older, and yes, you will still do stupid things… just much slower.

*Why does a chicken coop only have two doors… because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

*My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me… so there’s one thing she has in common with my wife.

*A friend at a Memorial Day BBQ remarked “I see you wasted no time bringing out the white pants.”… I replied, “These are my legs.”

*Ever noticed how people who suffer with OCD use the word ‘facetious’ a lot…it’s because it uses all the vowels in order.

 

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August 13th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #634 (8-12-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

California Archery Season Starts Saturday

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Green Jobs And Blue Lights…

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            Yea! …  Sportsman’s Warehouse is opening next month in Fairfield next to the Barnes and Nobel bookstore, across from the big mall… They are in the process of hiring now in all departments people who have a passion for the great outdoors (like fishing, hunting, camping, archery, guns, dogs, etc.) and you can send your resume or name phone number and position you desire to: fairfieldsportsmanswarerhouse@gmail.com. If you haven’t been to the one in the Sacramento area it’s a LOT like Bass Pro Shop sans the bass tanks… but they have a good selection of items fairly priced… Soon we’ll be able to go to Rocklin for Bass Pro, or the Warehouse in Fairfield… I like choices and they’re both closer than Cabela’s. Thanks to Kathy Sassman for the heads up!

2016-8-12bBlue Light special…Jeanie Vanetti sent me an email saying she just installed blue light bulbs in her porch light to show support for police officers… she would like others to join with her and the movement so as the officer patrol areas they will know there are people out there that care. I haven’t found any yet but we will… and you might want to too!

 

U.S. About To hit Obama’s Goal of 10,000 Syrians

            According to published reports the Obama Administration will hit its goal of importing 10,000 Syrian mostly Sunni Muslim “refugees” before the end of September. About 2,340 arrived in the United States last month alone. How many are terrorists? How well can they be vetted since they are being pushed through?  Most all strictly observant Muslins from the Middle East have of course vowed “death to eh infidels”. Clinton has vowed to carry on her buddy Obama’s work and policies… God (not Allah) help us when our country becomes the target from our own homegrown radicals, from our domestic breeding colonies, our government is setting up for which we are paying.  If you can’t understand this, try to understand the analogy below…

 

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Dumb Parrot?

2016-8-12c  During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden….”Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!” “Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” says Joe, “But, you do realize that he just speaks the words; he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”  “Oh, I know,” Michelle replied, “Neither does the parrot.”

 

 

Boat Tax? Ever Heard Of It?

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… Of course not if you don’t have a boat. We have a rather small fresh water fishing boat and I just got this from the Solano County Tax Collector (reminds me of the satirical movie Popeye).

The tax bill was for $102.32 for: 1% max tax limitation, $92.77- SC water agency for state water project, $1.85- Community college bond, 16 cents, Dixon School district $4.48, Solano Community College bonds $1.14 and another for 30 cents- and another for 13 cents and another for $1.49… community college and DUSD are free education huh? This is just on a lousy boat… check your house tax payments and see how you are paying for all of these things and when you hear about our “free education system,” and the twin tunnels, and the state and county blowing our money, maybe it will mean something to you.

 

With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…

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…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
  2. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

  1. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)
  2. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
    A.. Premature death
  3. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)
  4. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)
  5. What is the fibula?
    A.. A small lie
  6. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A.. Nearby
  7. What is the most common form of birth control
    A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)
  8. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
  9. What is a seizure?
    A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
  10. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
  11. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)
    AND THE BEST IS LAST:
    Q. What is a turbine?
    A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.  (now we’re getting somewhere)!.

 

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*When people say “you look good today” the first thing that comes to mind is why… did I look like hell yesterday?

*Just thought I’d let you know I’ve been diagnosed with awesomeness… you might want to get checked but I doubt you caught it.

*Have you ever given the finger to a text message… or is that just me?

*When I die I want my tombstone to offer free Wi-Fi… that way people will visit more often.

*If I won the Powerball lottery I would still keep my job so I could be insufferably obnoxious until they fired me.

*It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet. Nobody was married. The single people that come to mind are Andy, Barney, Aunt Bea, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara… the only married one was Otis and he stayed drunk.

*Bacon cannot solve all our problems… that’s what beer is for.

*The kids of today are so allergic to everything that future wars will be fought by simply throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

*The last thought I will ever have in this life will probably be “I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

*I don’t understand interventions… what’s the point of being told I drink too much by a roomful of reasons why I drink in the first place?

*Pepsi and coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and you want world peace?

*Dear diary: Today my friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I will need… 1. New friends.

*Exercising would be so much more fun if calories screamed as you burned them.

*I don’t always tolerate stupid people well… but when I do I’m probably at work.

*There’s probably nothing scarier than being out in public and having to fart for the first time after being sick with diarrhea.

*Fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.

*I think the best way to die would to be shot by Clint Eastwood while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

*Getting older sure gives “twist and shout” a whole new meaning.

*There was a fire reported at the IRS headquarters in Washington this morning… but it was extinguished before any real good was done.

*The fastest land animal is a guy who sees his wife about to go through his phone.

*A penny for your thoughts… five bucks if they’re dirty!

*Two cargo ships, one carrying a shipment of red paint, the other carrying purple paint, have collided a few miles off the coast of San Francisco… it’s reported the crews of each have been marooned.  

*People are using their welfare debit cards to buy Red Bull… apparently you need energy to lie around on your ass all day.

*Don’t be afraid of growing older… you’ll still do stupid crap, just much slower.

*Ever noticed how your Hispanic friends aren’t offended by taco jokes or fiesta jokes, but immigration jokes… they cross the line!

*If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba have a kid…….will he be an icecube?

*You know you’re getting old when every time you walk past a bathroom you say… “well, I might as well pee since I’m here.”

*It was announced today that the Davis police dept. wanted to interview a “suspicious man” wearing high heels and frilly underwear… but their police chief said they had to wear the regular uniform.  

*Do you know why there is no gambling in Africa… because there are too many cheetahs!

*Not too brag but I’ve made every waitress that ever served me happy… with just the tip.

 

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August 6th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #633 (8-5-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

National Night OutHarrah’s Sucks

 

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Tuesday evening was National Night Out celebrating its 32nd year of bringing neighborhoods, law enforcement and families for one safe nigh to interact and work towards safer neighborhoods where a community acts as one.

Apparently word didn’t filter down to a lot of Dixon residents because there were only five block parties which were graced with five police cars, a gang of police cadets, a real canine cop, deputy district attorneys, and the entire city council and mayor making a drop by visit to each site. The fire department which usually shows up in force to the delight of children was totally involved in the fire blazing out of control just north of Winters.

The one next to our home on Sierra Dr. was the biggest party by far with several dozen people. It was hosted by Kurt Riedel and Tim Nichols. It was my first chance (as a city councilman) to visit all of the parties (I missed the first stop because I was at their second stop) but I did get to four of the five and was surprised by reception I received at each stop. Most all of the talk was about this column and I forgot a couple of times to explain I was there as one of their elected officials… It certainly was good for my soul to hear all of the unsolicited comments and the encouraging “Keep up the good work and don’t let them get you down.” I wasn’t sure several times whether they were referring to this column or the city council… Either way I felt really proud of both of those hats I wear.

 

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The night is supposed to be about bringing neighbors together to form a neighborhood watch collation and to meet your local law enforcement officials and elected people you put in office. The only downside was there were not nearly enough and the places we visited had a pretty tight neighborhood already in place. Next year we need to have block parties all over town where neighbors DON’T know each other and get them introduced and encourage them to watch out for each other… That’s what you’re supposed to do in a small town… Enough preaching now on to why Harrah’s sucks

Let me start by saying I have nothing but good thoughts about the people of the Philippines they took really good care of me when I had my neck surgery at Kaiser Vallejo and are great people.

Now back to Caesar’s and Harrah’s… The reason I’ve not been to many of the Nights Out thingy is because our **anniversary and our eldest son’s birthday is on August 1st and we have traditionally gone to Reno for a couple of days and stayed at Harrah’s right at the start of Hot August Nights… we get in as its setting up, see the whole thing ready to go and get out before hordes arrive for the weekend. We were able to stay home this year due to a 45 minute phone call (s) to Harrah’s.

It started out not being able to understand Harrah’s customer service trying to help us. I called back and she couldn’t understand me nor I her. I put them on speaker phone so Linda could help me and she couldn’t understand them either. On the third call I said I couldn’t understand them (with hearing aids accents are difficult) so she transferred me to her supervisor who couldn’t speak English any better or clearer. But the supervisor did understand I wanted to see how many points I had for room comps. She put me on hold while she “checked.” Four minutes later she came back on and said, “ Mistler Teed, yes you have points.” “Great,” says I, “How many?”

The supervisor then said it would take her another while and she would have to put me on hold and get back to me, again… Got mysteriously disconnected… It was about this time, a half an hour in, I called backj again and I had had it, and asked to be transferred to the United States (you know you can demand that be done on all outsourced calls didn’t you?)… Before doing so she asked if I “had a problem.” I said, “Yes. You don’t understand me and I certainly don’t understand you.” So she transferred me to Harrah’s Reno front desk where I relayed my story again… and my unhappiness to which the desk clerk replied, “I’m really sorry about that let me transfer you directly to our reservations…” Yep, you got it they transferred me right back to the Philippines…WTF?

Over 45 minutes trying to get a simple thing done and I got nowhere… I’m looking at Harrah’s page on line with a room for $105 and they  finally quoted me the same “special” room at a special rate of $185?

2016-8-5bCaesar’s now owns Harrah’s along with half of the gambling joints in the country… We even have their special  Total Rewards credit card. They make billions of dollars from hard working people in this country and then outsource jobs to foreign countries… and our government just looks the other way. AT&T, Microsoft… the list goes on and on. Hershey’s moves out of California to Mexico, the German car Volkswagen moved to Mexico and a lot of our domestic cars are now made in Mexico… Again i ask WTF?

We all have to make personal choices and I have strong principals and choose NOT to do business with anyone that outsources American jobs. I may have to make rare exceptions but I can live without most business that do me or my country harm. They take our money, take away our jobs, treat us like crap and yet we still do business with them and choose to spend our money to help them gut us… with a dull knife. So the bottom line is we chose NOT to go to Reno to celebrate this year (I sure the corporation’s P&L suffered greatly and they took notice) and instead went to Cache Creek Casino. It’s a big upgrade from Reno and is like being in a Vegas Club. We went up there last Monday to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 92 birthday and back again this week to celebrate our son’s 40th and our 10 years of happy marriage. It’s like 45 minutes away, has a decent buffet and we did as good or better with the games as we would have in Reno… Except their table stakes have ridiculous minimums.

**Before you do the math I said 10 happy years of marriage… Linda chimed in with, “More like five.” Actually it’s been more than five…. Decades!

 

Your POTUS Frees Drug Dealers

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President Barack Obama shortened the sentences of 214 people Wednesday, the most commutations in a single day since at least 1900. Nearly all were serving sentences for nonviolent drug crimes, and 67 people were serving life sentences. Many of the 214 people will be set free at the end of the year, while others will remain locked up another year or two. Many appeared to be major drug dealers. Bad campaign donation year?

 

More Things For Thought

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*The older I get the earlier it gets late.

*I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there and watches me… while rolling her eyes and painting her fingernails.

*If I could be invisible for a day I would probably just look thru peoples drawers… and nap undisturbed.

*Had a little disagreement with the daughter-in-law… maybe she should have informed me of her stance on leashes before she just left her kids here.

*I’ve had enough to drink when I can’t count past “g”.

*Did you ever realize that if you poop for an average of 10 minutes on company time each work day that equals 40 hours of paid vacation each year?

*There should be a divorce ceremony… each of the couple gets pushed out a different door of the church while their friends go over and steal back the appliances and wedding gifts.

*The Eagles song “Hotel California” is really nothing more than a bad review with a two-minute guitar solo.

*Women should date men with beards ‘cuz growing a beard takes patience… the kind of patience it take to deal with all their Tom-foolery.

*Were Moses to go up Mt. Sinai today the two tablets he’d come down with would be Viagra and Prozac.

*When people post pictures when they’re on vacation I love to comment “looks great! By the way, I saw the firetrucks outside your house, but I’m sure you know all about that. Have fun!”

*I hate it when those people knock on your door and tell you that you have to be “saved” or you’re going to “burn”… stupid firefighters.

*The worst time to hear “I told you so” is when you end up saying it to yourself.

*How does an eyelash, just so soft and fine, morph into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?

*If the “gh” sound in “enough” is pronounced “f”, and the “o” in women makes the short “I” sound,  and the “ti” In nation is pronounced “sh”… then the word “ghoti” is pronounced just like “fish”.

*May you live your life so fully that the Westbrook Baptist Church will picket your funeral.

*My grandson said to look at those turtles giving a piggyback ride.  I decided it must be time for “the talk”.  So I said “buddy, those are tortoises not turtles”… if you’re not talking to them about herpetology who is?  

*McDonald’s is offering a deep fried pickle covered in batter… they’re going to call it the mac dill dough.

*They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on this medication… but here I am sipping a beer, driving a forklift lifting up my boss’s car.  Go figure.

*Where do suicide bombers go when they die… everywhere!

*Why do people feel compelled to say they “adopted” their dog… do they think we’re suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

*Someone left their list in the shopping cart that said “bread, salami, beer and sh** like that”… so my soulmate is out there, somewhere.

*More than halfway thru the movie I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids… and realized I’d rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

*I can’t believe I live in a country where our only defense against an on-coming storm is to buy extra milk.

*A sign that things might not be going right for you: Your mother asks you to take your twin sister out so they can decorate for her surprise birthday party.

*83% of all white people stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

*Aren’t all marriages kind of gay?  As a man your vowing to never touch another woman for as long as you live, then you exchange jewelry and dance.  

*You know you’re old when you get a text that says “you up?”… and its 8:25pm.

*For part of your life you worry about your future, but eventually you stop doing this and instead spend your time regretting your past.  But there is a point, somewhere in-between when you engage in neither behavior… this may last for up to 4 minutes so try not to miss it.

*A friend told me she was praying for starving children in Africa and I told her god must have listened… because there are millions of them.

 

zzzzzguns

EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS AT LEAST ONE!

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July 29th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #632 (7-29-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Dixon Weather Report

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Today: Hot. The rest of the month: Hot as hell too! Now you know so plan accordingly. Wear as little as possible and drink a lot. If you don’t notice the 100 degree plus temps you’re probably suffering from heat stroke.

 

 

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Reporting Right From The DNC in Philly…

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I was at the DNC where U.S.V. P. Joe Biden was a main in speaker for the Demoncrats this week. Many people couldn’t figure out which one he was since his twin was there too. Jeff Dunham’s, friend is said to be a stand in for Biden at some public appearances and so far no one has been able to tell which is the real dummy… I mean like they’re twins don’t you think?

To add to the confusion at the DNC party Madam Hillary did some impressions… first she tried to imitate a real, honest, caring, “disarm America” presidential candidate and then she went into her Beavis impersonation.  Beavis’s partner, Butthead said, “It was really good, I could barely tell them apart… I don’t think Beavis looks so good in green though…!”

 

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She got a standing ovation when she announced she planned to scrap the first two amendments of the constitution he first day in office. She said, “They’re messy, confusing and just get in the way and the people will be better off without both 1 & 2… Without them there’s less chance to be ‘mis-spoken’ and Bill agrees”.

Shortly after I unfurled a Red Star flag I was unceremoniously escorted from the party hall, asked for a donation, and dumped in the street and my “borrowed” credentials were ripped away from me…Then I was beaten by  many of the Democratic peace activists brawling out front until I put on my Trump hat… they ran like scared rabbits. WTF? Is this still a free country or what?

Some of the other outstanding DNC supporters who were scheduled to speak and all had the exact same script provided to them so… in case you miss one you really didn’t miss anything.

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Last week’s email to the publisher with Hillary’s pic in it was rejected by the server for, no kidding…- “Transcript of session follows —–… while talking to [207.105.189.36]:
>>> DATA<<< 554 5.7.1 Message rejected because of unacceptable content.  For help, please quote incident ID 03RlemPwU. 554 5.0.0 Service unavailable”… Can’t imagine what will happen to this one!

The McAlister/Jacobs gang…!

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            At the city’s little going away party for fire chief, Aaron McAlister Monday, I asked one of his family members to take a picture of the city council and Arron together. This was the first shot the closest blond she took and then turned the camera around and took the other group shot that appears elsewhere. Back to front is mom, Kim McAlister, and Karlie (Woodland), and Katie (San Diego) Jacobs, Ellie’s granddaughters. They all came together to honor stepdad Arron who, with wife and son, will be moving to Contra Costa County soon when Arron takes over as assistant fire chief managing over 300 personnel with his other duties.

 

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*We were on a “nature walk” and a posted sign said ‘ watch for falling deer: Mountain Lions conceal their unfinished food in the tops of trees’… I think “watch for Mountain Lions” would have been more appropriate.

*I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself… it was getting a little awkward for the rest of us.

*Overheard a couple college girls talking:  “We’ve got to stop wasting our good boob years on terrible guys.”… seems reasonable.

*I saw an attractive woman spank her kid after the little guy threw his fries on the ground… so I threw mine on the ground, too.

*One day I’ll do amazing things… but today I’ll be satisfied if I manage not to get crumbs in my beard.

*I don’t drink alcohol, I drink ‘distilled spirits’… so I’m not an alcoholic I’m just very ‘spiritual’.

*One of the girls at work got mad and said I treat her like a child… so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

*The police came by today and said our dog chased someone on a bike… which is ridiculous.  Our dog doesn’t have a bike.

*Japanese scientists have announced they have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it is now possible to photograph a woman with her mouth shut… although some people are calling it a hoax.

*Ahhh, my favorite three “f” words… finally, friggin’ Friday.

*The older I get the more I appreciate quiet evenings at home, cancelled plans, thunderstorms, and alcohol that’s on sale.

*Your face is just fine… but perhaps you should put a bag over that personality.

*When young people start whining about how tuff they have it I like to tell them how I survived 40 years without a damn cell phone or the internet.

*A mother’s love is unconditional… her temper, however, is another thing entirely.

*Saw a young down-and-out guy sitting on the curb disconsolate. When I tried to offer him a dollar for food he returned it… “I’m not homeless, I’m married.”

*Acupuncture: Proof that stabbing someone can often makes things better.

*You can double the life of your iPhone battery just by putting the damn thing down occasionally.

*My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused offers of food and drink, swore at everybody, and smeared the walls with his feces… so we never played monopoly again.

*Carly Fiorina was just named as Ted Cruz’s running mate… that’s almost like announcing you’re going to be prince’s new backup singer.

*Warning: drinking may cause memory loss… or worse, memory loss.

*Doritos has just released a new snack called “taco explosion”… now Frito-Lay is being named in a class action suit by people who use that term for what happens an hour after eating at taco bell.

*Synonym:  a word used in place of the one you can’t spell.

*I don’t claim to know what goes on inside the dishwasher… but I’m guessing it’s like the first 15 minutes of saving Private Ryan.

*Just go ahead and assume it’s a banana… I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

*Women should date men with beards ‘cut growing beard takes patience… the kind of patience it takes to deal with all the drama.

*I’m rarely judgmental, but I do scowl and shake my head in disapproval when I see a vegan biting their nails.

*I once lip-locked the soft ice cream dispenser at the dairy queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop… so, yes, I am familiar with rejection.

*What book is mandatory reading in all Hispanic schools? Tequila mockingbird.

*If anyone needs me I’ll be spending the next several hours under this bathroom light that gives my abs just a hint of definition.

*The most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love… second is having the noisy grocery cart with the bad wheel.   

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