May 22nd 2015
That’s Life©1966 #569 (5-22-15

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

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If you can’t explain what Memorial Day is, why it’s a holiday, and how it should be celebrated you shouldn’t get a day off work or school. Hint: It ain’t all about partying.

 

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Linda Hickman is seen at the Dixon’s Sacramento Valley National (Veteran’s) Cemetery visiting her father’s grave site. If you’ve never been there Monday would be a good day to visit and honor those who gave so much for this country… which allows us to have what we have.

 

Here It Comes… Nuts to Cost Us All

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I just brought it up to the city council… Will the 1,000 plus acres of almonds just recently planted by a big consortium end up costing us all one way or another? No sooner said than done. SID, the water supplier for Ag, commercial and regular folks here abouts has just agreed to raise its rates to make up for lost revenue due to the drought.

Almonds begin bearing an economic crop in the third year after planting. Trees reach full bearing five to six years after planting. (See: University of California cooperative extension sample costs to establish an orchard and produce Almonds for interesting information. It is a high water user and high profit business with moderate risk for the grower.)

Since reportedly it takes a gallon of water for each nut finally produced guess who’s hogging water year around meant for your household… and guess who will be paying more because reportedly Oprah, Michael J. and the gobs of others in their business venture need a tax write off for the millions they have invested here. Reportedly they paid some up to $23,000 an acre to plant the lovely rows of trees you now see ranging from here to Vacaville. That plus the years the trees take to return a profit add up to 10’s of millions invested in the rural Dixon area… Good for a few but not so much for the rest of us.

 

Pin-a-Go-Go 2015


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We have volunteered for almost everything in this community at one time or another… but this was a new one for us. The annual pin ball machine charity fund raiser held at the Dixon May Fair grounds for the past 19 years came again… last weekend. For $25 for adults or $12 for kids you could flip your flippers and knock your balls around to your heart’s content for more than an eight hour work day.

They came by the hundreds from the very young, with their own step stools, to senior citizens in with walkers and everything in between.

The crowd was exactly what I pictured Comic-Con would be… sans costumes. We were at the door for four hours and Saturday and got to see everyone who entered through Madden Hall… A line which never stopped while we were there.

The interesting thing is the whole gathering is a volunteer effort and all done for charity. The hundreds of pin ball machines are brought in by volunteers from a multi-state area. Players come from all over the northwest to spend the weekend here playing all three days… Good for the motels, restaurants, etc.  Playing for what you may ask? Nothing. They are playing for the love of pin ball. No prizes, (outside of a little tournament) no nothing but unlimited play on over 300 different pinball machines. The players are stacked sometimes two and three deep waiting a turn to play while they filled both Madden and Denverton Halls.

After out shift we waited in line and played a few games (see my first wife Linda in photo. The other photos are of a small part of the crowd and a little girl playing with her dad) and just walked around marveling at the mixture of the assemblage.

As I said the whole thing is a huge volunteer effort with the proceeds going to organizations supporting youth in Dixon with the Teen Center being the primary beneficiary in the past. One of the volunteer coordinators said, “We will be bring a check to the city council in a July or August with the proceeds” from the three day event… which could be as much as 10’s of thousand s of dollars… all from the ALL volunteer event… They are to be commended and I know the city council will give them proper accolades for their annual effort when they appear at the council meeting.

 

Enjoy This While You Can

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I actually heard people complaining about “how cold it’s been recently”… Really? In a couple of weeks we will be begging for this cool weather to return. The first high 90’s day I should look those folks up and see if they are complaining about the heat. We love this cool weather and cold nights rather unique to this part of the country. The Delta breeze, for which we are thankful, chills us now and cools us when the heat arrives. It’s the nasty north wind we could all do without.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Who’s the guilty one?  A wife is dreaming in bed and wakes up suddenly and shouts. “Quick, my husband is home!”… this awakens her husband who gets up and jumps out the window.

*My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot… so I came back drunk.

*Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages… we just want to let them out and play with them.

*There’s a fine line between being a lovable wise ass and a jerk… and I seem to find a way to cross it every day.

*Periods help you learn how to get blood stains out of things… which is why more men seem to get arrested for murder.

*Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do or write stupid crap is fired!

*What do women say when they are actually fine?

*Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like some guy dragging his butt across the floor?

*I took my granddaughter shopping for back-to-school supplies and asked the clerk “what’s a good school binder for my girl here?”  He said, “trapper keeper?”… uh, no, she’s my granddaughter.

*Naming that space movie “gravity” makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like “there’s no dinosaurs in this”.

*My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding… I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

*We’ve recently been selling a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash that promises to kill germs while it moisturizes at the same time… such violence and nurturing from the same product.

*The neighbor girl came home one evening with her shirt on inside out.  When questioned by her mother why her shirt was on wrong she replied, “I think you old folks call it ‘second base’.

*Colin Firth has a younger brother… Colin thecond.

*If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… would you pick me up some beer on your way back?

*I just sprayed ‘fruit scented Febreze’ in my bathroom……now it smells like craprus.

*It’s good to know that if they ever release a lion in Wal-Mart you only have to run faster than the fat lady in the zebra-print pants.

*Popeye teaches us a basic lesson… the best reason to eat healthy is revenge.

*When our cable service goes out I pretend my bed is a boat and play Life of Pi with the damn cat.

*The next time I’m responsible for some horrible disaster that kills thousands of people I’m going to tell the judge I “work in mysterious ways”… just to see how far it gets me.

*John 3:16, mark 3:17, Luke 3:18… it was a really close race. 

*A friend of mine told me an onion was the only food that could make you cry… that was just before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

*I’m telling my grandkids not to do drugs or alcohol, there’s a time and a place for everything… it’s called college.

*I hate it when I offer a friend a sincere, heartfelt compliment on their mustache… and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.

*A study shows that public speaking is people’s number one fear while death is number two… this means if you go to a funeral you’d be happier in the casket than doing the eulogy.

*Life expectancy would be a great deal longer if vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

*Ice skating is like walking in cursive.

*Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it… chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

*2 out of 3 isn’t bad… unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

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May 16th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #568 (5-15-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns




Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

                                               

*The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, 

I’ll remember it.”

 

Solved The Wrong Way Driver Problem

 

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If the state really wanted to stop the wrong way traffic killers they could in fairly short order by using existing technology. Have you see those one-way spikes in parking garages where you can drive over them to get in, but try to go the other direction and you’ll have your tires punctured and you’ll go nowhere? Instead of spending millions on more signs and lights and stuff that may or may not work…Just install these on all ramps and stop the problem in its tracks.

 

Amgen Race A Half Hour Early

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Although no one but us knows it the world wide bike racing audience was glued to their TV to see the Amgen race go from Sac. through Rio Vista, to Davis, to Woodland and back to Sac…Wait, what happened to Dixon? Mainly you could just see the Bulkley Ranch on TV unless you were waiting in person for the 15 second show to take place. I used to have an old hunting partner where after hours of walking and seeing no game would look over at me and say, “I shaved my legs for this?” Watching the wealthy bike boys race for the gold is something  like that.

Two pictures above were taken in front of our ranch driveway on Liberty Island Rd. by our son Joel and shows grandson Drake with a water bottle one of the riders tossed him as a souvenir. The other shot I took at Bulkley and Midway as the leaders passed. It was a zoo with all of the zooming CHP, motorcycles and chase cars flying by at dangerous speeds. Was all the trouble worth it for the 15 seconds of fame? We thought so… seeing them for the second time in our zip code.

 

Thai Food

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Last week I wrote about the Dixon Chinese restaurant on Pitt School Road, Asian Garden, with a lot of positive response. This week here’s another jewel. Not a football field away is a new Thai restaurant called LeeChao that serves authentic Thai, Laos, Iu Mien foods.

If you know your foods you’ll know what to order. If not, you’ll be like us and ask them what’s spicy (or not) and what they think you would like. We had three different kinds of stuff all of which was good… and different… right here in Dixon. They are over between Century 21 Real Estate and Baskin Robbins, next to the Subway sandwich place. You can call them at 693-4455. They’ve only been in business for a couple of months… Want something different you might give them a try.

 

Fair Livestock Handled By Kids?

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The May Fair was the May Fair, all and all pretty good. But it was the same old- same old…I had people bitch to me about adults finishing their kid’s animals for show and sale… and “Where is Bids for Kids?” Other parents raised the usual annual hell about the absurd amount being paid for some animals and so little for others. Again the popular opinion seems to be no child should be able to get more than the grand champion gets at the auction. Id the grand champion gets $10 a pound no one can sell for more than that… sounds fair to me. You have to admit $20 and $30 a pound for animals is a bit much don’t you think? But… all-in-all a good time was had by most at the old annual hometown reunion.

 

School S.O.S. Is One Of A Kind

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Dixon Superintendent of Schools, Brian Dolan is truly one of a kind. I see him at all kinds of community events and school happenings like ball games etc. He outdid himself on Saturday when he came through the May Fair Parade with on group and went around and came through a second time with the Gretchen Higgins school group singing and dancing the Chicken Song with them… and sweating up a storm. This guy is one of a kind and we’re lucky to have him.

 

 

Drought Pools and Nut Trees
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I brought up to the city council my concern about a huge consortium buying up over 1,000 local acres and planting wall to wall nut trees. Supposedly it takes a gallon of water to produce one almond. This big multi-million dollar business is set to suck a lot of our water from SID while we prepare to cut out consumption by about 30 per cent… even though Dixon has reduced its usage by tremendous amount in the past few years. I seem to be the only one concerned about this… Doesn’t quite seem fair does it? It’s not local folks but big super stars and many others investing their chump change for either a tax write off or to make many more millions off our land and water…while we are forced to conserve…Go figure.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Found a cockroach over in the corner lying on his back dead… so I put a cocktail umbrella next to him and now he looks like he’s tanning.

*That macabre series “1000 ways to die” is so unrealistic… there’s no episode where a man asks a woman “what’s wrong?”

*No, thank you, marriage… if I wanted to ruin my sex life I’d just start wearing crocs.

*$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that would be a great name for my baby!”

*A snail can sleep for up to three years… I never thought it was even possible to be this jealous.

*If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t refer to her poop as “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a real opportunity to be considered awesome.

*As I’ve grown older I thought it was good that I have become more tolerant and accepting… Then I realized it’s just because I don’t give a crap.

*Who called it a “Spanish teacher” instead of an “instruction Manuel”?

*Good evening everyone and welcome to AA.  Remember this is a judgment free zone… except for Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

*Everyone made fun of me for buying this government surplus flame-thrower… but at least I’m not going to be wasting my weekend shoveling snow.

*If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boy band called “New Testament” I’m going to give up on everything. 

*I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.

*As newlyweds we would “role play” from time to time.  She would dress up as a school teacher… and call my mom to tell her I’d eaten all the crayons again.

*Apparently this meth addict only brushes her favorite teeth.

*McDonald’s could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold.

*I met my wife while on a vacation… which was really quite awkward as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

*If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would probably win that ridiculous celebrity couple nicknaming game with “portmanteau”.

*She said that the key to having a successful marriage was making sacrifices… so I threw her into a volcano.

*If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn that annoying R2-D2 into a bong.

*The best thing about sitting next to the old derelict wino on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted.

*Be very careful to always put your condom on properly… you don’t want to rubber the wrong way.

*About six weeks ago I gave this really beautiful girl my phone number and she said she’d text me when she got home… she must be homeless.

*There’s only one thermostat at work. I’m in a t-shirt and contemplating removing my pants… and all the women are rubbing 2 pencils together attempting to start a trash fire. 

*I realized I was maybe not the best listener… when a friend had to come out to me twice.

*Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a GI Joe doll… put in the microwave on high for 10 minutes.

*Why is it that the people who drink the most Red Bull happen to be the ones with the least going on?

*There is a vas deferens between having children and not having children!

*There are people who believe global warming is a man-made phenomenon.  Of course it is… it’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the titanic survivors seeking revenge on that iceberg.

*What are people who stay in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

*I asked a girl to kiss me under the mistletoe… she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

 

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May 8th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #567 (5-8-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

*Daylight saving time has been defined as the practice of setting clocks ahead one hour in the spring in order to make it easier for people in 1918 to tend to their crops.

 

Ess This Tet Heekman?…

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…”Ees dis Tet Heekman to whom I am speeking”?

I finally got the call I’ve waiting for from “Kevin Johnson from the IRS”. (I wondered what Kevin did when he wasn’t selling real estate.)

“Kevin” who was quite apparently working from a broiler room in India said I was in trouble with the IRS and they were going to give me a chance to straighten things out. He kept giving me his name, his employee number and the case number (at least three times) to establish credibility

He said they had sent legal notices to my home on three occasions and had a “picture” of my home to prove no one was home when the package was supposed to be delivered (Goggle Earth?). WTF?

He asked if we had a tax attorney and I told him we did and then asked if we had a criminal attorney and I said no. He again emphasized the fact we were in serious trouble and had ignored three attempts by the IRS to contact us by mail and they had proof we were not at home to accept the communication.

I played along wanting to see how this scam would end since I’ve heard so much about it but I blew it half way through… and my last wife Linda figured out where I went wrong.

My good buddy and “helper” Kevin (who you could tell was reading a scripted message) wanted to make sure I knew the call was legit so he kept giving me his employee number so if I had any questions or complaints I would know to whom I was talking. Except for the background noise and heavy Indian accents the whole ploy was very believable… except for the fact everyone had a thick Indian accent… Not that the real IRS maybe doesn’t outsource its business to India… but they don’t make house calls for collections.

It just so happens we have Russ Parkman a CPA and tax attorney who does our tax stuff so we knew we were in decent shape. I told them we had a tax attorney and that didn’t make a dent, they wanted to know if we had a criminal attorney. This is where I blew it…

Kevin asked to put me on hold while he got his supervisor because our case was so important and time was a big issue and hinted the IRS was coming to get us shortly but they could save us. He put us on hold and there was a strange silence… I mean dead quiet air. He came back and said his supervisor would be with us shortly, and again really dead quiet air. The supervisor came on and asked for us to hold again and again really dead quiet air. During the hold I was talking to Linda and we were laughing with my joy that I finally got the call. The supervisor came back on and said, “Who is Leenda, tis dat yor wife?” I said yes. She then said, “What tis so funny?”  I said, “I was just telling her a joke how did you know we were laughing?” Dumb move on my part she hung up. It was Linda that figured out they have a very sensitive listening device and when you are on hold they can figure out the level of sucker you are… I blew it but you should be aware of any calls that put you on hold, they can be listening to your whole room and discover things you may not want them to know… Scary huh? BTW… The IRS doesn’t call you.

Once again don’t respond to anything over the phone. Don’t mail in or give money, CC numbers, SSN, etc. to anyone from the internet or from a phone call. Ask these dirtballs to send you a hard copy request in the mail and you will consider it. Just say as we do, “We don’t do any business over the phone… Mail it or forget it.” They have forgotten it 100% of the time.

 

May Fair Underway, Parade and Bike Race!

The annual Dixon May Fair started yesterday (Thursday) and runs through Sunday (Mother’s Day). If you haven’t gone before, go… it’s one of the few remaining old time fairs with carnies, rides, vendors, livestock auction and entertainment along with arts, crafts, flowers and photo exhibits. Take the kids and spend the day. The fair board, Pat the manager and their crews have worked hard to put on a good time once again this year.

The May fair Parade starts about 10 am on Saturday morning in beautiful downtown Dixon. It lasts a couple of hours and has bands, floats, horses, kids, etc. If you haven’t been, go, take the kids and join the thousands who attend free every year. Get there a little early to get a street side seat and bring a chair, sunscreen, hats and stuff.

If all of this isn’t enough the world famous Amgen Bike Tour will come through rural Dixon from Rio Vista on the way to Davis on Sunday morning with 144 of the world’s top professional bikers riding 126.2 miles in about five hours or so.

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The race starts at 10:50 in downtown Sacramento and goes down the River Road out of West Sac to Rio Vista, across the bridge to Hwy 12, and down 12 to highway 113 headed towards Dixon. They come our way to Hwy 113 & Binghamton Rd. (about 2 pm) and turn east and go to Liberty Island Rd, and continue north on to Bulkley Rd. (at Midway) (about 2:30) and then on to Tremont to Mace Blvd and through Davis over to Woodland and back to the state capitol. I’d be early just in case they are faster than projected and be prepared to see the whole 140+ riders wizz by in a mater of seconds… but its worth it to watch at least once in your life… since its this close to home and its free, why not?.

 

Asian Garden Trashed By Local Web Site

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I’ve eaten at Chinese restaurants all over the world including China, Hong Kong and Taiwan and they are all the same. They smell the same and look about the same. The style of food differs depending on the region that brought the cooks but everything else is very much alike. You like their style or you don’t.

You like it you go back, you don’t, you don’t.

Asian Garden located at 1145 Pitt School Rd. (678-3638) was recently trashed on a web site for supposedly serving a guy a huge dragonfly type bug in his food. He took the meal home and brought it back on another plate and screamed profanities at one of the female helpers then went on an internet rant bent on hurting this long time local business.

The ladies that work there tried to accommodate him but reportedly he was just rude and abusive. He made such a big deal out of it that it has hurt their business through rumors and innuendos with second and third hand stories.

All I can tell you is we’ve eaten there almost weekly for years and have found nothing but the highest quality food and service and have never even heard someone complain except for getting meals crossed or something minor like that. The good looking sisters, Van and Cam (that’s Cam in the photo with Linda on Wednesday) work a lot of days and a lot of hours and try to make everyone happy all of the time. Chinese by their nature are not that outgoing or gregarious but the ladies do try to always be friendly and polite.

The moral of the story is: If you haven’t eaten there ever, try it. If you haven’t been there for a while go again and take some friends. If their food is anything but really good let me know… and the prices and food amounts are the best in the area too! They are open for lunch and dinner seven days a week and have take out too… Its located on Pitt School Road right across the street from the new liquor store.

 

More Things For Thought

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*I think I must have Alzheimer’s … I can’t remember when I asked for your opinion.

*Have you ever noticed how in a new relationship your stomach always hurts?  This isn’t due to nerves or butterflies or anything… it’s caused by holding your farts in.

*I wish I could trade my heart for another liver… that way I could drink more and care less.

*I know what women want. They want to be romanced into the bedroom and placed on the bed while you do dirty… dishes and they can take a nap.

*Never ask a pregnant woman “do you know the sex?”… Obviously she knows about sex, she’s pregnant you ignorant fool!

*My 12-year old granddaughter wouldn’t drink out of my glass because she “didn’t want my DNA”… should I tell her?

*The cashier at Whole Foods asked me if I had my re-usable grocery bag… are you kidding?  At $6 a peach you should drive them to my house and make the cobbler for me!

*There’s nothing more sorrowful than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table… and he realizes its lettuce.

*Male pattern baldness is a condition, which, if left untreated, usually results in a new Corvette.

*If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes” … she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

*Let’s do something we’ll both regret in the morning… let’s order KFC for dinner.

*Whoever named them “sugar cookies” really could have put just a tad more effort into it.

*”U” is the 21st letter in the alphabet… and by the year 2019 will be the correct spelling of the word “you”.

*Jonestown was proof-positive that the worst thing in Kool-Aid isn’t always the refined sugar.

*Hmmm, turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

*If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink wine you’re an amateur… and it will be difficult for us to be friends.

*I’ve decided to add “extensive experience in dealing with exceptionally stupid people” to my resume… that has got to be a marketable skill. 

*The infamous “they” says money talks… but mine just waves good-bye.

*The wife refuses to ride with me because of my “risk-taking behavior”… such as opening a beer with the seat belt buckle when driving.

*On reflection, allowing Buddy, my golden lab to watch the end of “Old Yeller” may not have been such a good idea.

*Well, I guess winters officially over.  One of our “stranger” customers just came in and told us she’d shaved her legs for the first time this year… and then made a donation to “Locks of Love”.

*”LAZY” is just such an ugly word… I think I prefer the term “selective participation”.

*Fifty shades of grey is only considered romantic ‘cuz the guy is a billionaire… if he’d lived in a trailer park it would have been an episode of criminal minds.

*An older woman just told me I looked just like her late husband… I’m hoping she meant while he was alive.

*I’m thinking my life might have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters back in the 80’s.

*Racist remarks coming from a frat house… now I’ve seen it all!

*How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb… just Juan.

*People used to be much smaller.  Before WWII people were several inches shorter than now.  In medieval times people were about the size of Hobbits… Moses must have been the size of a cat.

*My dad would swear and then say “pardon my French”… one day my fourth-grade teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.  

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May 3rd 2015
That’s Life©1966 #565 (5-1-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

A thought for the day…“If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within 10 years they’ll have all disappeared.”

 

Quarto de` Mayo

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            The big holiday around here is Quarto de` Mayo which just happens to be my first wife Linda’s 39th birthday…She always dresses up in preparation for the next day anti-climactic Cinco de` Mayo. Following that is the Dixon May Fair sans Bid for Kids so I’ve heard, followed closely by the annual fund raising pin ball thingy at the fairgrounds. Stripers should still be hitting, sturgeon are being caught and it’s about time for the Kokanee bite to start at Berryessa.

Another IV columnist, Fred Vanderwold and I went pig hunting last weekend. Fred had never shot a pig…and still hasn’t.

You know anyone who needs some help on wild-de-pigging let Fred (or me) know. We had some great views from atop the Vaca foothills between Vacaville and Fairfield, saw some pigs at about 800 yards and drove the four wheelers (way up and way down) for about six hours. Saw deer, some bear poop (yep they do in the woods) a lot of pig rooting and rubs and at times hunted above the low clouds on Saturday. We were able to see to Rio Vista and the windmills, Lake Curry, to the Carquinez Bridge, etc. That’s it, that’s all I know except for some city council crud I really didn’t want to write about.

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School Board Demands Servitude?

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            At tax time the subject came up why, after 17 years of service and paying mandatory union dues to SEIU, she received no retirement benefits from them. I called the school and found out the school mandates (through a board approved MOU) that all classified employees must belong to the union to work for the district? WTF? You MUST join a union that we figure Linda paid thousands of dollars into and got absolutely nothing in return.  All of the employees we’ve talked to felt the same way. They feel they should have a right to belong to the union if they choose but it shouldn’t be a mandate/condition for employment for a taxpayer paid position. If I were a district employee I would sure as hell ask the school board who it is they work for and represent, and tell them to change the MOU to encourage people to join the union if they wish but NOT MAKE IT MANDATORY. Anyhow for all of the thousands of dollars Linda was forced to pay in she got and gets ZERO back… such a deal. I think I’ll ask the board for an MOU to make all employees pay into the TEDsunion for half price of the SEIU and I’ll provide the same services… I can take hard earned money and do nothing in return with the best of them.

What brought this about is I was notified that I am to get retirement benefits of a pension from the UFCW for my years as a member. They represent a lot of the same folks SEIU does… curious huh?

Before you paid union heads start to whine and cry and try to justify good living you have made off of the sweat labor of others… Just remember…those that say they care mostly are under your thumb… no one else cares about your liberal, self serving public PR crap… so whine away.

 

City Council Conundrum

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               I really don’t like writing about the city council because I don’t want the other members disliking me more than they already do… I want to work with them, really I do. But sometimes you just gotta let folks know what’s going on. For instance the council spent a lot of your money for legal help to re-write an ordinance that was ok the way it was and now not only makes no sense, but is pretty much unenforceable. They changed the city’s leash law to say dogs can no longer be at heel and all must be only a leash… a 100 yard leash if you want, they just have to be on a “leash”. Huh? Yep and it cost a bundle to make this stupid change.

Now they are spending even more in legal fees (at like a zillion dollars an hour) to once again re-write the bum ordinance that was prefect when first presented. The city attorney did a good job. We copied it from Vacaville and let them pay their attorneys to make sure it would float… But the mayor and his majority are more concerned about; get this, “First Amendment Rights” of the bum people to have the right of free speech. They are more concerned with the rights of two or three beggars than the will of the majority WHO DON’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY THESE FOLKS… Why? You got me unless it was because I brought the matter up.

Now to go from the ridiculous to the sublime… the other action they took was to not support another First Amendment right of free press and jury rigged  a mandatory yearly bid for legal advertising so only the (not locally owned) Dixon Tribune could bid on the business. I suggested they change the bid request wording to say in order to be eligible you must be the Dixon Tribune because it never says anything bad about us… But they wouldn’t go for it. To a man my four other elected buddies on the council hate this newspaper, hate former councilman/vice mayor Mike Ceremello, dislike publisher, Dave Scholl and only put up with me because they  have to… Woe is me… a stranger in a strange land rule by personal feelings, censorship and little objectivity.

 

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The point of all this is they are picking and choosing (all four of them) what parts of the constitution they chose to obey. We all swore to defend and uphold the whole constitution. They are arguing for free speech for bums and demanding the city ignore the only locally owned and operated newspaper this city has without even giving it what would appear to be an even chance at getting the city’s legal ad business.

I pleaded with them saying I knew in the end they wouldn’t give this newspaper any business but for the sake of supposed objectivity, and to look like we were upholding our oaths… make it an open, fair bid and then chose the Tribune to pay them back for not writing bad stuff about them… They shot it down by a 4-1 vote… Surprise! Everything I’ve said here is documentable by watching a tape of the meeting (with just a little embellishment on my part) but the facts are true facts. Don’t they know their poll numbers are dropping every time they do things like this, or don’t they plan on running for office again?

 

Still More Things For Thought

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*How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

*It never inspires a lot of good feeling when the nurse enters the pre-op prior to a circumcision and tries to calm the nervous patient with “it won’t be long now!”

*There’s talk of doing a remake of the classic Charlton Hesston movie “Ben-Hur”… I would suggest they call it “Ben-Hur, done that”.

*A truck just flipped a squirrel up onto my windshield and now it’s stuck in my wiper… guess I don’t have to stop to get dinner tonight.

*If you see someone wearing camouflage go ahead and bump into them… it only takes a second of your time and it makes them feel like it works.

*The news said there are 30,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Sacramento for a conference… so I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

*I’m going to change my career emphasis and go into farming… I’ve had a desire to get into the field for years.

*Can you imagine what the first person that watched the sunset thought “well, this can’t be good.” 

*If I were a physician and a patient notified me his erection lasted more than four hours I’d resent the little showoff… four hours?  Keep it to yourself!

*How did the butcher introduce his wife… meet Patty!

*Thesaurus for sale… brand new, current, modern, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried, contemporary.

*I’ve been seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola… so they’ll clean my house.

*Fitness tip: Set up a regular workout schedule that’s easy to keep up with… for example I work out once every four years on the way home from voting for president.

*If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

*When I asked this weird homeless guy what he was doing in my front yard he just kept repeating “one man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet.”

*I’m trying to think of something clever to say about unemployed people… but it needs more work.

*Never goose a ghost… you may get a handful of sheet.

*Have you ever noticed…? ”Strap on” spelled backwards is “no parts”.

*The FAA raised the retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65… Now the pilot and the in-flight meal can be the same age.

*Don’t you find it odd that when the health fanatics preach drinking eight glasses of water a day it seems impossible… but eight beers is a snap!

*I found three French fries inside my $1-menu Mcdouble… dream big, anything is possible!

*I tricked a woman into sending me naked photos by claiming I was doing a “breast perception study”… she’s a real boob.

*I carry a large stone around with me to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before thanksgiving… I call it my jingle bell rock.

*Sorry for nicking your car with my door but you didn’t leave much room… it’s a small scratch/dent so I circled it with my key so you wouldn’t miss it.

*I really wouldn’t want to be adopted by a lesbian couple but not because I’m homophobic… I just don’t want to get caught up in an endless loop of “go ask your mother.”

*Purse snatching… a good way to pick up a few extra bucks while getting a good cardio workout.

*Why do people call the deceased “late”… they aren’t late.  They’re not coming.

*Most monkeys don’t really like bananas… they’re just being suggestive.

*I thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl by doing a little Elvis… I swear it’s the last time I’ll sing “you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog”.

*”America’s most wanted” is coming back to TV next season……..with an NFL edition.

 

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April 24th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #564 (4-24-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Food for thought: I had a guy tell me… You being an elected official now have to realize the path previous elected officials took got us to where we are today. The bible tells us we “shall reap what we sow”. We are now reaping and weeping. The point? The general plan for this city’s future is now being formulated. Citizen input is needed to force this city to upgrade its expectations, housing element, and growth… to generally upgrade our city instead of continuing the liberal downgrade of the last 10 to 15 years.

 

 

Dixon Wake Up!~What A Bunch Of Garbage!

Recology™ WASTE ZERO

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Hope you’re sitting down for this one and will call John Vazquez and Skip Thompson, Solano County Supervisors for this area… Recology, the firm that has a monopoly on garbage service and your elected board of supervisors has agreed to import 5 million tons (10 billion pounds) of San Francisco garbage to their dump just south of town on Hay Road… That includes, I’ve been told, SF’s hospital waste all coming from Pier 96 in San Francisco with at least 50 trucks a day bringing their unwanted waste to just south of Dixon… Great huh? The agreement would last 13 to 15 years.

Wait, wait…this is even close to the good part about this sham. The San Francisco Planning Department has said the plan to send us 5 million tons of their crap “could not have a significant effect on the environment and that no environmental impact report (EIR) is required”. Duh. If you want to build an outhouse for your birds in Solano  County it would require permits would costing thousands and you would have to have at least two EIR’s

Thank goodness the Solano County Orderly Growth Committee has filed an appeal asking that an EIR be prepared. Are they the only ones not owned by Recology? Are your BOS members up in arms and telling the public about this? Are they raising the fees to make it less attractive or just trying to find ways to spend the new additional income from such a dirty deal? The Solano County dump fee is one of the lowest compared to other counties. Anyone know how many truck loads a day will become through rural Dixon to deliver their precious cargo; 50- 100? They’ll probably do it at night.

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COUNTY OF SOLANO NOTICE OF COMMENT PERIOD DRAFT NEGATIVE DECLARATION The Solano County Department of Resource Management has evaluated the project described below and has determined that a Mitigated Negative Declaration of environmental impact be prepared pursuant to the California Environmental Quality Act. Use Permit Application No.U-11-09 of Recology Landfill and Jepson Prairie Organics for modification to the permit limits for the average daily limits on municipal solid waste received at the Hay Road Landfill located at 6426 Hay Road, 5 miles southeast of the City of Vacaville in an “A-80” and “A-160” Exclusive Agricultural Zoning District, APN’s: 0042-020-280 and 060. Friday, August 3, 2012

From their web site: Recology Dixon provides residential recycling and commercial recycling, refuse collection and debris box service. Recology Dixon serves nearly 5,000 residential and 200 commercial customers inside the city limits of Dixon. We also operate a recycling buy back center and provide commercial cardboard recycling collection.Recology Dixon is an employee-owned company. The person driving the truck or answering the phone owns the company, therefore they have a direct incentive to provide superior service. If we can help with your garbage collection and disposal needs, please contact us. It is a business and I don’t blame them but I do hold the BOS responsible for apparently selling Dixon out.

 

 

Real Estate Market Is Up!

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            The local real estate market is on the upswing and prices are going up… It’s the old supply and demand thing again. What I can’t understand is why any person in the 95620 zip code would use a realtor from anywhere other than Dixon. It makes no sense. Out of town realtors don’t know this market and could cost both buyers and sellers money. Why would you want to send your money elsewhere rather than keep it in local circulation? I’m not saying you have to use me; we have dozens of well qualified local license Realtors more than willing and capable to help you.

If you’re thinking about selling now is the time to get ready and do it. If you are thinking about buying do it before school is out and competition for buying homes increases.

 

UCD Picnic Day… Was No Picnic

 

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            Granted it’s been decades since we last attended U.C. Davis “Picnic Day” over in the People’s Republic of Davis… but what a waste of time last Saturday. The Dixon May Fair Parade is 10 times better than Davis. They used to have a dozen bands, floats and all kinds of interesting things.

This year they have a couple of measly bands, a half an hour of horrible speeches with people patting themselves on the back for this “wonderful event”. It was more like it made you wonder why they even call it an event.

A couple of things changed like no alcohol being sold or consumed openly but some things never change like the strong odor of pot whiffing through the air most of the day. The more “clean” air I breathed the less I minded being there… I just don’t understand that. The vendors were all boring and alike and the only thing that was half way worth the trip was the battle of the seven college marching bands played out around the stinking, coffee colored, mud hole waterway that wanders through the campus. Will we get up bright and early to go next year or urge you to attend… Yeah right.

 

Eight Words With Two Meanings!

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  1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  2. Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
  3. Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
  1. VULNERABLE (vul-NE-Ra-bel) adj.
    Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
    Male….. Playing football without a cup.
  1. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-in-Kay-shon) n.
    Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
    Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
  1. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
    Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
  1. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
  1. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
    Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

     7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

     8. REMOTE CONTROL (RI-moht kon-trohl) n.  Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

        Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

 

More Things For Thought…

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*My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style… so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

*The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years… finally, those billions in military spending paid off.

*Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste as they teach you valuable skills… like how to carve profanity into car paint with a key.

*My kids used to come up and hug me and then wipe their mouths or hands on my shirt… most of fatherhood is just being a napkin.

*If you have a landline I assume you must still have a butter churn and ride a dinosaur to work.

*My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

*I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself… so I stopped and waited expecting to see another kid fall from the sky but left disappointed.

*The power went out in my building and the maintenance guy said “Transformers blew”, yeah, yeah, it was a bad movie, buddy, now what about the power?

 *Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

*Tomorrow I’m going on a new all breadcrumb diet… I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

*I was getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm… so yes, I was crock blocked.

*The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on any TV medical drama.

 *Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food stuck in their teeth… but if I look thin it’s a GREAT group photo.

*I carry a rolled up yoga mat most everywhere I go and people think I’m fit… but it’s really just a good place to hide a couple of foot-long meatball subs.

*Women are often shocked when I tell them I’m single… but maybe that’s because I yell it at them as I slide back their shower curtain.

*The earth moves 1.6 million miles each and every day so I don’t just lie in bed and watch TV everyday… I travel a lot.

*Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any clue what I was going to do with my life… but NOW I have a degree.

*How long will it be before school spelling tests will just require one to get the first 3 letters right… and let Google do the rest?

 *Someone just spotted a coyote near our neighborhood a few days ago but that’s cool… I just started carrying an anvil everywhere I go.

*Someone once likened a wedding as inviting all your family and friends down to the dock… to watch you leave on the Titanic.

*The Oscars, the Golden Globes. The Emmys, whatever, constantly remind us that no matter how much you spend on cosmetic surgery and high fashion no one looks good “sweaty”.

 *The loudest noise a child can make when their out of sight in another room is silence.

*If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d be advising me to be “on it”.

*On average an American male will have sex 2-3 times a week while a Japanese man only has sex once or twice a month… This is upsetting to most of my friends as they were unaware they were Japanese.

*I just started a new job at a glass factory polishing mirrors… I can see myself doing that.

*I know a woman who only dates married men.  When asked why she said … “I only date them after I see how well they treat their wife.”

*According to this grocery list I wrote on my hand I’ve invented a new language.

*A group of cannibals were eating a pie when one said “this is amazing.  What did you do different?”… the other said “I used fresh Barry’s.”

*The doctor came in and said the test results were back and he had a rare condition called “only able to speak in state abbreviation disease”… ME? OH, OK.

*What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

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April 18th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #563 (4-17-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth… this is rarely a good thing.

 

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There are at least 10 of registered sex offenders folks living within the Dixon City limits. You can go to the state site and see their addresses and photos. You can expand the search for the rural areas and nearby cities.

They may have their rights but we do too. We have the right to know who our neighbors are and we all need to be on alert to protect our children and citizens. You need to go to this site and check the areas where you, your friends, and relatives live and/or send them the information they need to keep informed.

 

You Can’t Fix Stupid

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Our stupid, ultra-liberal California Supreme Court ruled last month, that once again, California voters have no say about their state, their safety, or what idiots are appointed to the Supreme Court.

They ruled the 2,000 foot barrier that was required between where registered sex offenders live and schools and parks where children gather was get this, “too restrictive”. So they neutered Jessica’s Law: (The passage of Jessica’s Law was a historic moment for the State of California, which has the highest population of sex offenders in the nation.) and officials now have 60 days to review the files of about 6,000 paroled sex offenders living in the state… of which about half are convicted child molesters according to published reports.

Sooo… you can now have a known, convicted, child molesting pervert watch your children at school or playing in the park from the comfort of their front yard/porch… Isn’t that special? What in the hell are these clowns thinking? Voters passed the law by a 70 per cent margin… how can a few on the court overrule the will of the people? Simple, appoint the right people that think the wrong way and have little to no regard for the will of the voters or the rights of taxpaying citizens… And you still wonder why the world looks at California as the land of fruits and nuts?

For Parents:

  • Inform children that it is wrong for adults to engage children in sexual activity.
  • Stress to your child that he or she should feel comfortable telling you anything, especially if it involves another adult. If your child does not feel comfortable being completely honest with you, then together you should find another trusted adult your child can talk to in confidence.
  • One of the major reasons why it is important to be informed about sexual assault is so that you can take steps to prevent it. And, there are indeed steps you can take to reduce your risk of sexual assault, your child’s risk, or the risk facing others. Also remember that in the vast majority of cases (up to 90%); children are molested by someone they know. Your efforts at keeping your child safe must be informed by this fact and not focused exclusively on the danger that strangers may present. Go to megan’slaw.com and read, “How to Protect Yourself and Your Family”.
  • This is why we (Dixon TFT’s) don’t let anyone buy their way into children’s homes at Christmas with “gifts”. No adopt-a-family or any such thing. The children and families come to visit with us and our screened Santa who hands out all gifts.

 

Nearby Park Neat But Expensive

…With summer here already

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We launched a boat from Brannan Island State Recreation area last week to fish for stripers out of Rio Vista.  It was my first time there. We normally stay on this side of the bridge and launch from either the Rio Vista City launch or the county’s Sandy Beach recreation area launch… each cost $10. Sandy Beach has a neat RV park, swimming and fishing from both bank and boat. You just go to downtown Rio Vista and follow the signs to either place.

Now the state place is a different breed of carp. They charge $33 peak time camping with a $2 discount for seniors. Then if you want electric and water it goes up to $44 but if you pay that, you can launch a boat for $8. For day use you’ll pay $10 and/or $18 to launch. It’s run by American Land and Leisure. The moral of this story? Stay on this side of the bridge and use the city or county sites.

 

More Things For Thought…2016g

 

*The best part of an argument is the makeup sex… unless you’re fighting with your brother.

*A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar… everyone else leaves.

*My boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”… especially because his name is Craig.

*Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

*This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat!

*Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life… but it’s not me.  I think you’re a fool.

*Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”… why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

*One of the lights in my bathroom is out… I look at least 10 years younger.

*If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Dad, you’re not funny!” I could buy a house at the beach… and live alone.

*Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am… my attitude depends on who you are.

*If someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately… you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

*My father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

*The neighbors loved my music so much once I turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

*If God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

*If you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax… just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

*I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt… turns out it was deodorant. And how is your day going?

*My wife looks for signs I’m cheating… but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

*I hate it when people ask me where I see myself 5 years from now when I can’t even remember where the heck I was 2 days ago.

*If Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other… so it actually was a happy ending. 

*Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear… red, or white?

*There are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but I could never string enough of them together to properly express how much I’d like to hit you with a chair.

*Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  What is wrong with people… have they never had pizza?

*I just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring… bad analogy.

*The neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday… she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

*I was teasing my granddaughter and said “When I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.”…. she replied, “You’re already grown up.  You’ll be dead soon.”

*A new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs… now I have to worry about testing positive for M&M’s.

*The first time I went to Vegas I was asked to leave the casino… I misunderstood what the crap table was for.

*A friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head… that’s nothing.  Husbands sometimes go for years.

*I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…  their head is safely protected by their butt cheeks.

 

 2015

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April 11th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #562 (4-10-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

He said… “Why are married women heavier than single women”?  She said… “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge”.

Smoking…

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We tried the chain Dickey’s BBQ in Vacaville a couple of times and it was OK. To tell you the truth we went back again for the deep fried okra. The portions were ok and the chain franchise products were ok but we had nothing to compare it to… Well, all that changed on Easter Eve when we found a much better place right smack dab in the middle of downtown Dixon. Prices at both places were close.

I/we don’t do restaurant reviews that often but we’ve never had one negative reaction or opposite opinion to anyplace we’ve recommended… or warned you about. We always pay full price and don’t announce the fact we may write something about a business.

In this case we were pleasantly surprised and didn’t know… how we didn’t know… this place has been open for about a year… The place? JRPemsBBQ at 158 N. First Street just a few doors down from the Bank of America. The place is owned by Rich Pereira whose mom used to have Jan’s Catering here in town. Born and raised in Dixon, he has opened up a place that specializes in high quality smoked/BBQ’d meats and they are good.

 

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My first wife Linda had the chicken and I had the brisket. Both we moist, meaty and just plain good. Linda had beans, salad and corn bread and I had the unique and good cold slaw, beans and cornbread… all were delicious.

Being a typical Dixon business they don’t have standard hours. They are open Tuesday thru Saturday from 11 am to 8 pm (unless they sell out early). They are on Facebook and their web site is: JRPemsBBQ.com. They have to go orders and everything is made fresh every day with the meats being smoked for 3 to 12 hours and the pies and, cakes and cookies baked fresh daily by Rich’s sister… with everything served being made from scratch.

The point of all of this? The next time you get a hankering for some smoked linguica, pulled pork, hot links or ribs, etc. you don/t have to go any farther than downtown Dixon… or your phone, to get a good meal. Just call Rich at 916-799-2865 and make sure they aren’t sold out if you are going in the evening!

We always gauge the success or failure of new foods or places by answering one question…. Would we go there or eat that stuff again… the answers here are yes and yes.

 

 

Thomas Jefferson Knew His Stuff…Anyone Listening?

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His Portrait is on the two $2 Dollar Bill. This is amazing. There are two parts. Be sure to read  the 2nd part (in RED).Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary. Also could write in Greek with one hand while writing the same in Latin with the other.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America” And retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence.

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations Along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States.

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello ..

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, His laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuffJohn F. Kennedy held a dinner in the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

…”When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe We shall become as corrupt as Europe.”

…”The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.” …”It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.”

…”I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”

…”My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.”

…”No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”

…”The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”

…”The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

…”To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.”

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802: “I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their  currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property -Until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

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More Things For Thought

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*I never know what to do with my arms when I’m running… should I fold them?

*This is a problem. I bought a collar with a bell on it for the damn cat… now I can’t sneak up on her to put it on.

*According to Maxipad commercials… women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

*As a husband and father it troubles me that prisoners are given time in solitary confinement… I would gladly pay for some.

*The worst design flaw of the human body is your butt being able to perceive “spicy”.

*My phone can hold 5000 songs… or one voice mail from the wife.

*I don’t eat breakfast in my underwear every morning, but when I do… I seem to get escorted out of IHOP.

*When Kate Middleton went into labor do you think her OB/GYN said? “I think the babies crowning!”

*If you suffer from both paranoia and procrastination… is everyone out to get you, just not right now?

*Instead of “once you go black you never go back” I prefer… “for that special occasion go Caucasian”.

*I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work… there’s just no way I can run that far.

*If Kevin bacon never said to a lonely chick in a bar “want some Bacon with your eggs?”… life wouldn’t make sense anymore.

*Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is… but apparently I’m “in” it.

*The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called “acoustic” Qatar.

*Oh migawd!  A turtle is coming to kill you… walk for your life!

*I asked a young lady out and she stared at me and said “get lost!”… when I realized she wasn’t going to say anymore I asked, “which season?”

*They were called jumpolines until my sister got on one.

*Men think of arguments as single isolated events.  Women, in my experience, tend to think of them as installments… in some sort of perpetual continuum.

*An optimist always thinks their one-third of the way towards having a threesome.

*The wife and I seem to play trivial pursuit continuously… she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

*Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

*She left a note on the fridge “it’s not working.  Gone to my mom’s”… I opened it and got a beer, its cold, the darned thing’s working fine.  

*I can’t decide between “wish you were here” or “look behind you!”… chiseled on my tombstone.

*Saw a bumper sticker that said “Jesus is the answer”. Two cars later I read one “who farted?”… best game of highway jeopardy ever!

*Studies have shown that one in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is a homosexual… I hope it’s Dave, he’s really cute.

*The neighbor’s dog has barked for the last three hours non-stop… now I know how the Koreans found out that dog makes a tasty snack.

*Modern warfare: A $700 million plane drops a $1.5 million bomb on a $10 tent.

*According to my neighbor’s journal I have “boundary issues”.

*So this chick gets on the elevator and I ask her “going down?”… “no, she says, “but I’ve got time for a hug.”

 

Don’t forget the Dixon Lions Club dinner/dance this Saturday…win $10,000u5

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April 4th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #561 (4-3-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*Be cautious when and if you ever blindly “follow the masses”

… sometimes the “m” is silent.

 

 t1

Grandpa Knows Best


 t3

A tough old cowboy from Montana counseled his young granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle just a pinch of gunpowder onto her oatmeal each morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103 when she finally succumbed.   She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


 “General” Plan

 2015city - Copy

Tuesday night was the first general plan meeting of the joint city council/planning commission where about a dozen of the top city involved members were present… except the mayor, the economic development director, city engineer and city treasurer…No one from the school board was there.

Sophie Martin of Dyett & Bhatia gave a literate and insightful presentation on the general plan process and expectations.  She explained the need for community involvement of all elected and appointed officials along with all employees and residents of the City of Dixon.

Having been through this exercise a couple of times in the past I know the biggest pitfall is to keep the discussion on what this city needs to look like and be in 20 years. Then we have to figure out how to get it there. The plan is comprehensive for all aspects of life from housing, to development, to traffic, and commercial while paying attention to things like Dixon growing across the highway (which will see the same debates that came up in 1960’s-70’s-80’s-09’s, etc.).

Having an updated general plan (not specific plan) is mandated to prove to state and federal government bureaucrats we are in compliance with man-made stipulations in order to qualify for county, state and federal monies.

The general plan is also important to declare our boundaries and expand our sphere of influence. If I had my way I would expand our boundaries to include our whole zip code or fire protection district… but the bureaucratic powers to be, ABAG and LAFCO have set standards that will let Vacaville encroach on us but not the other way around. Midway Road has always been the dividing point but is in jeopardy.

Vacaville (also currently working on its general plan) and Fairfield have both grown to huge cities once they developed on both sides of the freeway. Vacaville at 92,400 folks and is catching Fairfield with 105,300 bodies with each spread out on both sides of IS 80 so they don’t really look that big. Dixon with only 18,400 people now isn’t of any concern to these spreading communities.

t5

            We need to be concerned however. Housing growth by itself is a recipe for disaster. Property taxes alone will not pay for increased services needed caused by the growth. Things like warehousing is another negative bringing only more people and demands on services but no sales or other substantial tax income.

The three main sources for revenue for Dixon will be property taxes, sales tax and fees.

In 20 years we will probably (finally) expand across the freeway and we need to plan for commercial/retail development like Vacaville. Just look at the sales tax revenue from the car lots and factory stores our adjacent neighbour has… can you say millions?

With increased growth comes increased need for more fire, police, schools, streets water, sewage etc. All of that costs a lot more than you will get from just property taxes. The placement of future schools must be coordinated to avoid another boondoggle like the high school.

We will need more jobs, more houses, more commercial/retail businesses that provide sales tax revenue to the city and we need plan for the space to accommodate these things in even amounts to have a healthy growth and well balanced city in the future.

What’s all of this about? You and your off springs need to get involved and put in your two cents worth at the upcoming general plan meetings. You need to look ahead and see what you want our city to become 20 years from now. Everyone had their own ideas but combined could lay out a plan to keep us on the smaller but envied sides of a well-balanced city where people want to live, work and have their families and businesses. The future look and feel of this city is really up to you if you just get involved.

 

 

Going To The Boat Club?

 

t6

            The only reason I can think of to go south on 113 and turn on Maine Prairie Rd. is to go the Dixon Boat Club. We went to the boat club the other day and took Pedrick Rd. by chance instead of going down the pock-marked, rutted State Highway 113. When we got to Maine Prairie we noticed a road block. When we got back I checked and found out that section of road from 113 to Pedrick Rd is closed until at least November so Solano County and Cal Trans can work on the old 1950’s bridge that crosses Ulatis Creek. So if you’re headed to the boat club go around, because you aren’t going through.

 

*More Things For Thought2016g

 

*Due to the recent weather I was able to use the words “wet” and “slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I was a big perv.

*The relatives have invaded the house for the holidays… as a side benefit, though; the dog has been walked 17 times.

*The wife thinks smoke alarms are stupid… like she’d ever forget to smoke!

*Have you ever noticed how commercials for mouthwash seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future… where our happiness and survival depend on the freshness of our breath?

*I’m constantly putting things where they don’t belong… like the cereal in the fridge, my keys in the laundry and my faith in other people.

*You say “tomato”… I say “summertime snowball”.

*The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off your back if you fall over.

*The wife buys candles the way most people buy weed… she looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it… and then lights it on fire to relax.

*I do a spot-on impression of a man not living up to his full potential.

*If your date can lick all the frosting off her face with one 360 degree sweep of her tongue… she might be Scooby-doo.

*&Who in the hell ever buys a damn cat?… just open the door and let one in and it becomes your cat.

*I hate snakes because they have no feet… you could say I’m “lacktoes” intolerant.

*Years ago one of the boys said he wanted to hunt a turkey for thanksgiving.  When I asked him how he’d do that he said put up a sign that says “turkeys!  Come here… I thought I was raising Elmer Fudd.

*I’m sorry if you thought I looked interested in what you were saying… you caught me fantasizing about bacon.

*Have you ever wondered when birds fly in a “v” formation why one side is always longer… it’s cause there are more birds on that side. 

*I’m not a good photographer but sometimes I’ll take a picture of someone and I’ll think “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral!”

*My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.

*America:  Where someone will eventually figure out how to deep-fry vodka.

*Where in the hell are Dora the Explorers parents… do they have any idea she’s riding a crocodile into a volcano?

*The sign down at the pool says “children under 12 require supervision”… I guess if you’re over 12 you’re allowed in with just normal eyesight.

*Children are like farts… the only ones I like are my own.

*My kids can’t go to sleep if any of their cell phone apps need to be updated… but they’ll drive with the “check engine” light on until it explodes.

*As we age our nights are spent 50% sleeping… and 50% getting up to pee.

*The only difference between my 20’s and my 30’s was as I aged I made all my bad decisions before midnight… now I make them before 10pm.

*With the drought in California a great headline would be “water we gonna do?”… we need the meager laugh.

*”My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor”… the inventor of the Frisbee.

*I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background… sounds like a cool place to work.

*Can you imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters in black suits, tip-toeing stealthily, and trying not too giggle as they place a horse’s head in a sleeping guy’s bed?

*Shouldn’t Godzilla be waging war with Satanzilla?

*HR called me in and said “did you tell Sidney he was stupid?”…. “Oh, god no!  I said he is stupid!  There’s no past tense with that one.”

 

 

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March 30th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #560 (3-27-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*We were having dinner at our son’s house I asked “where are the kids?”  He said, “I grounded them.”… I spit out the meatball.

 

They Have Plenty Of Water?

2019b

            I mentioned this before and when people have had time to think it over more and more seem to think maybe it’s not such a crazy idea. What I said was Washington and Oregon flood every year and get way too much rain and have way too much fresh water runoff.

I added that I was sure for a lot less cost than your governor’s “twin tunnels” (to fill the swimming pools and bathtubs in Southern California) which would drain the delta, we could probably build an aqueduct from Oregon to fill Lake Shasta and then a connector for over flow to fill Lake Oroville…etc. We get the water they can’t use, give them flood control, and fill our reservoirs in times of drought or heavy usage…We can save the fish, water the crops, and make sure Dixon’s nuts don’t shrivel up for lack of a drink. I like to see someone a lot smarter than me crunch some numbers and compare the two projects just for fun if nothing else. I bet the rice growers, duck hunting and fishing organizations, nut and fruit farmers, and growers downstream would pitch in.

 

Gonna Sell Or Buy?

 

2019d

            Most of you regular readers know I have a real estate license and help people buy and sell homes and property. This is how I earn a living.  What a lot of you don’t know is all realtors do a lot for nothing. They will get you an estimate on about what your house is worth and give you advice on selling preparations. They will list your house, bring in buyers and take care of the mounds of paperwork required now days… all without making a cent. They only get paid when they sell your home for you.

On the other side of the coin if I, or any other realtor help you find the home you want, make an offer and advise you all the way through the process, help with the mounds of paperwork, you don’t pay us a penny. The seller pays the bill. We work for you free… How about that! Really.

2019c

There are pitfalls for both buyers and sellers, that’s why you need a realtor you can trust. Your buyer’s agent should make sure you get all of information on the needed inspections; the house is ready to buy, and get you the best price possible. They need to make sure you have a pre-approval letter in hand when you go looking so if you find a home you like you can make an immediate offer that may be accepted, or at least put you in the running. Without a pre-approval letter you go to the bottom of the offer list.

Representing the seller the agent is obligated to price the home for the maximum the market will allow in conjunction with probable appraised value. The agent will advise you on making your house as presentable as possible and make sure is shown in its best light. The agent should be there for all inspections and be available and be available just about 24/7 to help you when you have questions or needs.

Today’s real estate road is fraught with pit falls and the complex laws and paper work in California borders absurdity. You really can’t safely sell a home without the help and advice of a licensed real estate agent or a real estate attorney. Lawsuits for “not knowing” are not only time consuming but very costly.

 

2019e

With that said, possible sellers need to know we are coming up on prime selling time. The hot sales period is when school is out until school starts again. Now is the time to start sprucing up. If you want a premium price you need a premium piece to sell. It doesn’t matter the price range. Neat is neat and ratty is ratty. Buyers know what they like and what they don’t. If they are going to plunk down a quarter of a million or more they want their money’s worth. The biggest per centage use the internet to start their search so your home needs to be on the net and presented in the best way possible… All of these factors combined are just points in fact why you need a realtor you can trust… When they get the job done and sell your home for you they’ve earned their percent of the commission. Their broker gets a chunk of it and they get a share.

It also doesn’t matter where you are buying or selling on this planet. You can call me to buy a home anywhere in the country or sell one. I/we will link you up with a trusted agent and through the internet can make good things happen for you. Century 21 is literally everywhere.

Real Estate agents come and go. I’ve got 10 years’ experience and almost all of the agents in our Dixon Century21 office are Dixon residents with many years’ experience. I think  Bill Allard, Kevin Johnson and Ted Seifert sold land to the 49’ers. Point being don’t use a firm or agent you don’t know because “you don’t know what you don’t know”.

 

 

 

*More Things For Thought2016g

She believed me when I told her concentration camps were for people with attention deficit disorder!

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

This strip mall is certainly misleading… I should probably put my clothes back on now.

I once had a hangover so good that I crawled out of the bedroom naked and then slept six more hours on the kitchen floor.

Apparently we’ve lost a five-year old.  He went missing right after someone said “bath time”… he’s short, naked and sporting 20-23 Spiderman Band-Aids.

I think I now know the stress level of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb… my wife stood and watched me as I unloaded the dishwasher.

I find it real cute how pedestrians seemingly confuse “right of way” with “immortality”.

One thing I’ve never purchased is wind chimes… I just can’t see myself saying “it’s just too quiet. Ya know what would be nice?  Some noise.” 

This guy at work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas… his name was Roger.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily… but I just beat the crap out of a motion activated air freshener.

There is nothing sadder or more pathetic than waking in the morning and anxiously turning to gaze into the love of your life’s face… and finding she’s deflated during the night.

I wonder what “don’t touch” is in braille.

My 11-year old grandson is looking for a summer job… he’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I know this is only our second date, and I hope I’m not moving too fast… but I’d like permission to re-name your damn cat.

My boss asked if I was ready to take on more responsibility… since I was eating around a sticker on an apple ‘cuz I’m too lazy to peel it off I should probably say no.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times… tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers thru the wife’s hair… it’s a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.

If an Elvis impersonator dies suddenly does he become the best Elvis impersonator?

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle… just for the chance, however slight, that I could be turned into a ninja.

Don’t think you’re immune.  We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”… yes, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away. (Don’t think about that tune.)

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike… the irony would be awesome.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge… but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My 84-year old neighbor must really like working on his car… he’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I should have been nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”.

So Nicholas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey! Why the wrong face?”

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb… just like screaming, crying and dying.

He arrives mysteriously, helps others. Performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens… E.T. (1982) pg.

 Fun fact:  Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian and the marathons they were in.

 

The Pilot and the Priest:

2019g2019f

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘ Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’ The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’  Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’  The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’ Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ ‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.  ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?’ ‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.  ‘When you preached – people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.

 

 

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March 21st 2015
That’s Life©1966 #559 (3-20-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*All those years of horrible elementary school photographs were just God’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license picture.

 

Don’t Forget To Get Your Cat Scratched

2015e

            Don’t forget to get your catalytic converter scratched (engraved, etched, scratched deep) this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm at DuPratt Ford on North First Street, We made and appointment for noon for our vehicles but you can just drop in and get in line (if there is one) and get yours done too. The thieves ripping these things off may get $100 bucks for the contents but it could cost you thousands to get one replaced. Toyota and Dodge trucks are their favorite but they will take a cat from any they can. Why not have yours etched with your license number and give police a chance to get it back and send a dirt- ball to jail?

 

In Our Own Backyard

2018a

My first wife Linda and I, in the recent past, among other things have: Swam with the turtles in Hawaii, ocean kayaked in amongst leopard seals in New Zealand, walked on the ocean’s bottom in Bora-Bora with deep diving bell helmets and fed fish, zip lined in the Costa Rican rain forest, walked up a waterfall in Nicaragua, helicoptered in and explored a glacier on foot in Alaska, snorkeled and fed fish in Tahiti, feed kangaroos and a Tasmania devil in Tasmania, swam with an petted dolphins in French Polynesia… I’ve sky dived, hunted caribou in the sub artic, bow and gun hunted  and fished in dozens of places in the U.S. and Canada and Mexico… well, you get the point. This isn’t bragging just a statement of facts.

The one thing we’ve never done and is one of the few left on the bucket list is to go for a trip in a hot air balloon. Where do you start to look for providers of such a service? Dixon?

Let me back up a minute. Last weekend we attended the Yolo Outdoor Expo at the Hedrick Ag History Center in Woodland and saw a vendor display for hot air balloon rides…Guess where they are located? 800 Business Park Drive, Suite I, Dixon, Ca. 95620… Right in our own back yard. Called the Yolo Ballooning Adventures Mike Veliz is the general manager assisted by his wife Kelli. That’s Mike and Linda in a balloon basket in the photo above and his wife Kelli in the background.

So as you might have figured we will be doing a story shortly on hot air ballooning in the Yolo/Solano/Napa area. I hear a lot of you would like to try it… So…Watch for us overhead! We’ll yell nice stuff down at you and let you know all about it later.

 

A  Little Help Here Please!

 2018b

            We, the people of Dixon, have two distinct problems that are different but the same, and I need some help with possible solutions.

  1. How do you solve the horrendous traffic problem caused by the stupid placement of the high school? All of you who get caught in the total impaction of traffic every morning and afternoon on State Highway 113 know the grief I’m talking about. What suggestions do you all have to help alleviate the problem?

I’ve suggested a meeting between the city council and school board to discuss the problem but my urging has met with less than an enthusiastic reception… I don’t know why these two groups can’t work together. Can anyone tell me? They haven’t worked together here in at least the last 50 years. The placement of the high school by the school board, without working with the city, proves what can happen… and look at what we have.

  1. Along the same lines how do you stop the drag race to get north from the high school every afternoon to try and beat some of the traffic jam? Sit a policeman at the fairgrounds and have them actually write a lot of tickets?2018c

I have people ask me why we can’t have a police car like at Gretchen Higgins every day when school gets out to stop and cite the speeders and those who run stop signs and pretty much do whatever they like… In a way it’s good for the kids. It teaches them their why parents don’t have to obey the laws and really hones their survival abilities.

Anderson Elementary traffic is a zoo, the Christian School at the state fairgrounds is a nightmare, C.A. Jacobs is probably the best of the mess, and Montessori needs to have staff involvement to control their rules and parents instead of the one brave little kid with a vest and sign.

All-in-all the high school mess and Gretchen Higgins need daily getting out of school visits from law enforcement with tickets being handed out like candy for a while… They can just have the high school law breakers pull over in the May Fair parking lot and write a string of tickets without impeding traffic flow.

An overpass is not going to help the traffic problem at the high school.  They still have to get out of the complex to get to it. With only one way and one way out, logistically it’s a quagmire with only a couple of solutions. Going through the park and ball fields to get to or from isn’t one of them.  People in cars have that area clogged solid now too. There needs to be an entrance/egress to the east of the high school going back onto East A that can funnel traffic to either downtown or to Pedrick Road… That’s all I’ve got… Somebody jump in here with a solution Please…!

 

Why No Water Or Row Crops?

2018e

            Rumor has it you can thank Oprah Winfrey and Michael Jordan for both? Yep, the rumor mill has it their consortium bought up about 1,000 acres in our area to plant nuts, taking row crops out of production and draining our water supplies to wet their nuts. As usual, as far as I can tell its B.S. (about Mike and Oprah although they may be among the many investors). But a big consortium did buy up all of the land paying an over premium price and is sticking many millions past the purchase price into the project. How come I couldn’t have been the realtor on that one?  I’d be writing to you from some place fancy like the Davis Golf Course houses. I do sell houses and property you know…

See all of the orchards springing up everywhere? See how the county is allowing them to plant to the edges of the property at intersections (see Robben and Midway Roads intersection)? See how money can do whatever it wants? California is known world -wide as the land of fruits and nuts. Dixon will in the future just be known for its nuts… nice huh? It used to be things like sugar beets and alfalfa and corn. I can envision the new city logo already.

 

*More Things For Thought

2016g

Mike Ceremello’s favorite response when someone says “nice to meet you”… is “give it time.”


Whenever I get something stuck in my throat I wash it down with beer… I call it the Heineken maneuver.

Satan’s favorite animal is the wildebeest… but you gnu that didn’t you?

A Hungarian religious sect took a Jehovah’s Witness approach to religion… each one became a Buddha pest.

As you all know I don’t hear very well.  And I wouldn’t have changed phone companies if I had realized the cell phone saleslady wasn’t saying that I would definitely prefer her cervix.

If and when the zombie apocalypse begins I’m heading for Costco……. They have thick walls, a great supply of food and a zombie can’t get in without a membership card. 

On Halloween Jack wore a pointy black hat and a long black dress covered in 100-watt bulbs… called herself The Lights Witch.

As I walk thru the Valley of the Shadow of Death I think to myself… “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real estate developer!”

Going to Taco Bell for a salad is a lot like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I think I’ve maybe had a few beers too many… either the smoke alarm is going off or the house is backing up.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter… but I don’t believe in removing anything from its natural habitat.

I just released a new fragrance… and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I just drank some coffee I left on the counter this morning… it was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.

How much do you want to bet that the guy that invented the lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

The only time my wife will ever yell “deeper, deeper!” is when they’re lowering my casket into the ground.

Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin’ hot body!

If you think men aren’t good listeners whisper “c’mere, I’m naked”… he’ll here you from 8 states away.

My wife being a very well-adjusted woman always knows what she wants for her birthday… and what she’s going to exchange it for.

I hate Marriott hotels.  I asked for a wake-up call… the guy said “you’re 20 pounds overweight and your fly’s down!”

Nothing says “poor life choices” more than a half-smoked cigarette tucked behind your ear.

“Is a dolphin WHAT?”… Hitler’s wife answering the telephone.

The 98 cent store’s new frozen lasagna is so crappy the serving suggestion on the package just shows it in a trash can.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

The doctor instructed me to consume only clear liquids before surgery… vodka should qualify just fine.

Whoever named the “white house” and the “pentagon” was probably also the one who named “oranges”.

I’m not sure… but I think Honey Boo-Boo and her family are just a group of bears that were shaved and taught to poop indoors.

 I’m not saying my doctor is young… but he just sent me a text “2mer is b-9!”

I quit referring to Linda as “my wife” and now call her “my customer”… because she is, after all, always right.

It just amazes me how much “exercise” and “extra fries” sound alike!

 

 2017e

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