Posted under That's Life Columns
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News Flash: Bruce Jenner arrested for male fraud…and *If Caitlyn Jenner suddenly
went missing would they put his/her picture on a carton of half & half?
Drunk Trap In Dixon Tonight
If you end your work week by having a few toddies at a local watering hole and then drive home, or drive anywhere, you might want to watch it tonight between 6pm this evening (Friday) and midnight. The same advice applies if you don’t have a current legal driver’s license or have outstanding warrants or are carrying an illegal weapon or drugs… Why you may ask?
The Solano County DUI task force is out to get you right here in Dixon, tonight, with a road block of sorts that will funnel you through a “checkpoint” where even law abiding folks can get antsy with the Gestapo kind of tactic… which sadly, is needed.
In 2013 reportedly 867 people died in California from drunken driving accidents while 10,076 were killed nationwide that year. In Solano County 15 were killed and 235 were injured by “impaired drivers” while 1,339 people were arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. Add stoners, idiots texting or talking on cell phones, coke and crack heads, other drug abusers (legal and illegal), just plain nuts, those with mental problems, the insane pissed off folks with misplaced aggressions, just plain bad drivers behind the wheel of a speeding ton or two steel missile, and roads and highways are dangerous places to be.
The Labor Day holiday weekend chalks up its share of killers each year. So when the CHPman orders you to run the auto gauntlet do so with the reassuring thought the guy/gal behind you may be taken off the road because the dumbass decided to drive drunk or otherwise impaired… You know the scary thing is that with the dozens they catch in these things county wide, think of the hundreds they don’t… More power to them… catch ‘em and book ‘em Dano.
BTW… You know a DUI can cost you many thousands of dollars, can make your insurance rates sky rocket or canceled and the suspension of your CADL… if you have one. The moral of this lecture… It ain’t worth it. If you had enough to blow a .08 get someone else to drive. Don’t know how much that is? Ask the person serving you, they have a pretty good idea and a lot of people and bars have a drunk meter of sorts to help you out. Better to play it safe rather than kill or maim yourself, or even worse, take out or cripple an innocent family by your… “I only had a couple” lame excuse.
Am I saying I’ve NEVER even had one drink and driven? Yes, that’s what I am saying! And there’s an obvious reason for it. But we all know anyone who drinks has driven one time or the other after having “just a drink or two”.
Dove Season Starts Tuesday
Don’t freak out and call the police if you hear what sounds like gunshots popping just outside the city limits, staring just before sunrise on Tuesday or if it breaks out late in the afternoon for the next week or two… It’s the starting of California’s dove hunting season.
Why would anyone shoot these dainty, fast, little birds of peace? Because they are good to eat and you can’t buy them at the store where someone else has killed them for you.
Interestingly enough fish and game for the first time has taken the limits and season off a game species (like they should with wild pigs)… the large Eurasian dove is now prevalent throughout the state and this area. They bullied and out bred (and crossbred) the smaller native and peaceful mourning dove edging them towards a minority status in California… sound familiar?
This alien invasive species is the one you now see and hear. They can be about the size of a pigeon (see photo) and makes an obnoxious sound like someone strangling a coo coo clock. They are rapidly wiping out our pleasant cooing little doves we are all used to seeing and hearing. We like to shoot noting but the Eurasians when we can… and no, before you anti-hunting tree huggers get your panty hose in a knot; this isn’t a racist or terrorist statement. Their size, square tails and horrible noise give them away. All you need is a CAHL and bird stamp to hunt them.
|Season / Area||Season Dates||Daily Bag Limit||Possession Limit|
|Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove||Statewide||Sep 1 – 15 & Nov 14 – Dec 28||15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves||Triple the daily bag|
|Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove||
|Eurasian Collared-dove||All Year||No limit|
More Things For Thought
*And here we go… starting another week without me being either rich or famous.
*”I ran a half-marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
*If you ever get attacked by a shark don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*I hate it when I mean to buy some nice seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get… Oreos.
*Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world.
*If you feel you need to lose some weight I recommend you get started by laughing your ass off (LMAO).
*You’ll sleep when you’re dead? That’s adorable… well; I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, pass the cookies.
*I remember when I was six months old and was short, fat, bald, had no money and wasn’t good with words… yet most women over the age of 30 went crazy for me.
*Day 3 lost in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of a flock of birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation.
*When you have to utter the words “they were a band” the conversation is probably over… so is your youth.
*The worst part of being a nudist is trying to figure out where to wipe your fingers… after eating Cheetos.
*I prefer to describe my profession as a “contemporary anthropological interactive observer” ‘because it has certain flair… besides which “stalker” is just such an ugly word.
*I awakened this morning to find $1.73 under my pillow. I seem to still have all my teeth… so I’m a little worried what I was paid for.
*Twenty-two counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses… on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his relative.
*Pretty soon the only place you’ll be able to buy a confederate flag is the black market… ohhhh, the irony!
*Life was so simple back before I got married… hell; I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
*Welcome to “inappropriate club”: the first thing I’d like to say is “your boobs look amazing today”!
*While vacationing at the beach a 12-year old told his father he was going under the pier with a girl he’d just met and catch crabs… they grow up so fast.
*She had beautiful soft, black hair and big brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. And now she’s gone… she took off after a squirrel.
*Thank you for always acting surprised when I bring you breakfast in bed… like you slept through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 am.
*Why isn’t “bigfoot” called “bigfeet”?
*A couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door this morning and asked if I’d found Jesus. I hollered at them “How is he missing? It was your day to watch him!”… I don’t think they’ll be back.
*The most judgmental aquatic mammal is the “seal of approval”.
*I teasingly asked a girl at work if she was illiterate… she was offended she said because she knows exactly who her father is.
*I thought having a vasectomy would prevent her from getting pregnant… but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
*I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.
*The wife tells me she smokes for religious reasons… each cigarette brings her a few minutes closer to Jesus.
*My father is Welsh and my mother is Hungarian… that means I’m well-hung… (Which reminds me of a family story: When our youngest son was in grade school his fourth grade teacher sent home work to do on meanings of words. He made the mistake of asking for my help with his homework. He said he needed to write down the difference between hanged and hung. I had him write down the following: “If you’re hanged you’re dead and if you’re hung you are probably very popular”. Funny thing is we never heard back from his teacher but I’m sure it made it to the teacher’s lounge. This one IS a true story.)
Finally, a good gun story
A guy walked into the crowded Buckhorn Bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, “I have a .45 Colt with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”… A voice from the back of the room called out, “You don’t have enough ammo!”
Sign Seen In Rural Dixon… Alright!