Posted under That's Life Columns
Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com
How about them Giants!
With Halloween today and Election Day coming at least these beggars are wearing masks. Don’t even send me the tasteless wisecracks about not believing that Muslims celebrated Halloween… I won’t use them.
Election Day coming this Tuesday…
The trio pictured above: Bassinette, Bogue and Pederson want to bring you four more years of what we’ve just had. If you like the stupid $7 million taxpayer hole downtown,(and they want to build another) your sewage rate doubled and your water rate tripled, and more low income housing, then by all means vote for these guys. They’ve all taken money from those who have special interests. They’ve complained they haven’t been getting their share of publicity in this paper… So here you go, right in the best read part of the paper. Happy now? I’m giving up some of my valuable column space to help you out. Now complain about this. I offered this space to you three to disprove anything written that was untrue and not a peep…a lot of whining but nada on the fact side.
The biggest problem is that many voters don’t know what they don’t know.
1500 people signed petitions saying “Let us Vote” remember… Now’s your chance! Don’t forget to vote Tuesday or mail in your ballots!
This is the last bit on the election (I know, thank goodness, enough is enough right?) so we need to concentrate on important things like how to keep the kids dry on Halloween. Of all of the nights of the year during the drought why did the wicked witches conjure up rain on beggar’s night? How cruel…
Sounds like something MAC and Mac D. might do. I can see them now standing around their cauldrons stirring their special brew wearing their high black pointed hats. They are trying to come up with a potion that will make people vote the way they want them to. They tried filling the air with their poisonous rantings now they may be trying something new…A liquid to slip in drinks at the local watering holes.
Wait till they find out about the surprise their arch enemy Mike Ceremello has planned for the last days before the election. Even this big money political group known as DPAC, the “Dixon Political Action Committee” (Really stands for “Dumb People Always Comply”) will be surprised by this.
A husband went to the Dixon Police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic
transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying…
Sergeant : Don’t worry sir… We’ll find your car.
What, No Stork?
Six year old Annie returns home from her Dixon school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks: “Oh… How did it go?”
“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.” Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
More Things For Thought!
We were out hunting in the foothills and Smokey the Bear approached us wearing that silly hat and smoking a huge cigar… he took a puff then pitched it into the dry brush and said “no one will ever believe you.” Shoulda shot him.
The wind blew a smart car into my lane… I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
I’m not against half-naked women waitressing in bars… at least not as often as I’d like to be.
A police officer pulled me over and asked if I knew what the speed limit was… heck, I’m not getting paid to tell him his job!
I had a few too many beers at a Dixon art exhibition and threw up all over the wall… someone offered me three grand for it.
I’ve decided to do something about my weight… lie.
65% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean… now we know why SpongeBob is yellow.
I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity over nachos… but an apple?
My dad told me fire engines are painted red for camouflage… so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is to wear the same clothes every day.
Just remember, if your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station… it’s not appropriate for court.
Saw a guy I know to be a police officer today dressed as an airline pilot… must be a “plane clothes cop”.
At work I always greet people with “morning” not “good morning”…. if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed.
Apparently there are two types of towels in my bathroom… one type to dry your hands with and one to touch if you want your fingers broken.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat at one time… the rest of me is filled with pizza.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Men don’t ignore women they just have “selective hearing”… for instance tell them how to roast a turkey and they’ll only remember “breast, thighs, moist and hot”.
Yes, that is a banana in my pocket AND yes, I am glad to see you… why must these things seemingly be mutually exclusive?
If jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they have bunk beds?
I totally understand how batteries must feel… I’m rarely included in things either.
Seriously, soup… if I wanted to drink my lunch I’d go to a bar.
I find it ironic that Spielberg’s movie about Abe Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Most of my co-workers seem to work on the “principle of rockets”… by that I don’t mean they aim for the sky, rather they do nothing until their tail is on fire.
Yes, dear… I’m absolutely positive arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq.
Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim-up bar has had to leave to go to the restroom in the three hours I’ve been here.
Three things you can never get back… a word after it’s been said, time after it’s passed, and your pen if I really like it.
I think IKEA would be more profitable if, like LEGO, they would show you 3 or 4 other things you could make from the same materials if you didn’t like what you bought.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled……because Jesus took the wheel.
I’m just waiting for a dirtball to pick the wrong house to burglarize and we get to hear about instant justice being legally applied. That will cut down on the break-ins.