October 19th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #750 (10-19-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 749 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

According to Dixon Police Chief, Robert Thompson,

“Don’t make yourself, home, business or vehicle a target of opportunity.”

 

Things are getting bad…

The police cars used to have “to “Serve and protect” on their doors and as their motto. Now it’s more like “We respond after the fact and do what we can” …Too long for a motto, and too short to tell the real story… but The PD is  constantly employing new programs  to thwart crime but it/ they can’t be everywhere all the time so some common sense preventions is on all of our shoulders.

Seriously, things are getting bad. A Lady goes in to have her nails don and comes out and her truck is gone. Friends go to sleep as usual in the apartments behind Denny’s and wake up to find their car stolen. Windows are broken on vehicles anything visible is taken…which begs the question…why would you leave valuable things or things that look like they have value visible through your vehicle window? This ain’t little 1,800 peopled Dixon no more Toto. We’ve got wicked witches, hard drugs, stabbings, fights, robberies, burglaries, ex-jailbirds on the streets on the streets, dope is legal, we have homeless folks stashed around the outskirts, and our munchkins are for real in the form of mental midgets. The Land of Oz is no more… except on Channel 3 every afternoon.

What am I getting at, to end a sentence in a preposition?  The once sleepy, safe little bedroom/agriculture community we were is no more. Like you old timers I’m sorry to see it go but it’s gone, not to return to the peaceful era of yesteryear.

This is why as a city council person, for the past four years I have been pushing getting our police department modernized and up to full force. This is including new blood from the chief on down. We are hiring more officers and even have a grant application in for a motorcycle officer for traffic control. We’ve placed one armed SRO (school resource officer) at the high school and I will continue to push for a second officer dedicated to splitting their time between the junior high and elementary schools… “Has it really come to that” you may ask… and the answer is yes.

We’ve made every school zone a little safer with solar powered speeding signs and reinforced the stop signs with a red light so there is no excuse not to stop is there?  Right! We now have multiple police cars manned and on the streets 24/7… which is way up from one huh? We are hiring and training young officers to our way of life and doing business.

And what is the true story you may ask?  Reality is an ugly thing but just look at what you see on the streets in the daylight and think about what you don’t see after it gets dark-dark. It seems like overnight we’ve become an integrated community made of all kinds and types of people, beliefs and cultures. Both the police and fire departments are primarily a local taxpayer funded response forces. You get burgled, you call the police, your house catches on fire or you have a medical emergency you call the fire department and they respond and take a report or put out tour fire of restart your heart…But that’s about it.

Where am I going with this? When we first moved here no one locked their car or house doors, every other pickup had gun racks (and most had guns in them) and the opening days of dove, pheasant and duck season were unofficial excused absence days from school.

Everyone knew their neighbors and your kid doing something stupid may have gone temporarily unreported and the non-report lasted only until your phone line started ringing… THE ENTIRE CITY WAS ONE HUGE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH.  Now can you name your neighbors from two doors down on either side of you or across the street? Be a noisy neighbor, it’s good for all of us!

Back then most trouble was relatively minor and violators were dealt with in numerous ways but reoffenders were few. Back then if you broke into someone car or house you were putting your life in jeopardy…so you just didn’t. If you were caught the police department was not too kind and if they let you off easy it was because a more severe punishment was awaiting you at home (and they knew it) and you were shamed (at least) by neighbors.

Now you can do what you wish with little fear of retribution, and if caught only minor punishment because the criminal element has become a privileged class, defended by our tax dollars, and looked upon as poor souls with sad stories from their past that make their unacceptable behavior somehow acceptable. How did we come to this?  Does it really matter? We’re there and there’s not much we can really do about the liberal attitudes and equally liberal infected legislatures and court system.

What you can do is wake up and smell reality. We are a bedroom community, just off one of the bossiest highways in the country. The big electronic sign we have on the freeway should just announce… “We are just a simple, helpless community just ripe for picking. You can be off the freeway, smash and grab stuff and be back on your way in less than five minutes.” Average police response time is what (like two minutes?)? You don’t think the bad guys know this? Vacaville’s “smash and grab statistics make ours look pale as does their calls for thefts  from their “factory stores” compared to the problems we have daily at Walmart.

The point? Police and fire can’t really protect you and yours and your stuff. Like Smokey the Bear says now days, “Only you can prevent being ripped off or burned down.” You see somebody or something, …  strange say something; call the police non-emergency 678-7070 during business hours or police/fire at 678-7080. Your job is to report it, its is their jobs to find out what’s happening. They say you can say you don’t want to be identified. If it doesn’t work let me know. Many people don’t call because they think they have to identify themselves. I keep being told you can make anonymous calls to dispatch.

So what to do…

  1. Don’t leave your vehicles unlocked.
  2. Don’t leave anything visible in your vehicle no matter where you go or where you park. There are many dangerous desperate people who will break you window to steal loose change laying around and cost you hundreds to get your damage repaired. If you can afford one get a car alarm

(And a shotgun).

  1. It goes without saying but keep your doors locked when you are not there even if you’re “just running out for a minute”…Like don’t leave your vehicle running “just for a minute to run in and do an errand” … This is common sense folks…. And it’s the new now.
  2. A home alarm system and security cameras won’t stop you from becoming a victim but may act as a little deterrent and may at least give the police something to go by. Both have come down in price and are doable if you really want at least a little peace of mind.
  3. Gonna be gone for a weekend or longer? Let your neighbors and the PD know, the bad guys will figure it out. Have your paper and mail picked up.
  4. This one may not be doable for everyone but I’ll pass it along anyway. In my decades of being a news reporter I’ve done stories on about everything. The one interview I did with a professional convicted burglar still haunts me. They really don’t care if you’re home one not. Get that? They usually case a place before they enter. They just may knock on your door for some kind of a bogus reason to size things up. You know what he said was the main thing that kept them from coming back to a house to rob? Of course you don’t that’s why I’m telling you… A dog. Not necessarily a Pitt bull, rototiller, or German shepherd, (they will work too, but a little sharp eared yapper. They hear what the flappy eared dogs don’ and they don’t quit… The cheapest burglar alarm/companion around. I’m just telling you what he said and we’ve never been without one since.
  5. Fire safety. Get smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors throughout your home. If you don’t know what kind to buy or where to put them call the Dixon Fire Department non-emergency number (707-678-7060) and they’ll send someone out to help you.
  6. Concerned about home security? You can call the Dixon Police Department at the non-emergency number (707-678-7070) during regular business hours and ask for a crime prevention officer to come to your home (or business) and do a “crime prevention survey” to help you secure your home or property. Both the professional fire and police department services are free of charge.

 

 

“Black Powder” time again!

The “Yolo Frontloaders” is a black powder enthusiasts group founded in 1988, operating out of the Yolo Sportsman’s Range in a rural area between Davis and Woodland, Ca. The club will hold its 29th annual charity shoot this weekend, Oct 20th-21st at the Yolo Sportsman’s Range at 24189 Aviation Ave, Woodland, Ca (next to and just N.E. of the Yolo Airport). We go each year and the photo below show Linda shooting. The range will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. this Saturday and 9 a.m. to noon on Sunday. It is open to the public and shooters from through Northern California are invited to participate and compete for any of the top 10 prizes. The range is between here and Woodland, goggle it. It’s next to the Yolo Airport and you can watch skydivers at the same time.

We go every year and if you and your family are at least curious about the weapons early American settlers used and have a chance to actually shoot one; this is the place for you. It’s a neat, fun, learning experience for families. See photo of my first wife Linda, above  touching off a shot. I took the Oklahoma Whitetail buck during their muzzleloader’s only season. Every state now has special muzzleloader only big game season… a tag that’s a lot easier to get. Unlike traditional rifles, distance is very limited which means it takes more skill and less tech.

More Things For Thought!

*Neurologists claim that every time you resist acting on your anger you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving… crap like this really pisses me off.

*I’m donating my body to science… in hopes of hindering its progress.

*She was staring out the front window for the pizza delivery guy… like widowed sailors heartbroken wife longingly gazes out towards the sea.

*A cigarette after sex loses something… if you have to go outside to smoke it.

*I’m three-quarters scotch… and one-quarter soda.

*The camera on the iPhone X is of such good quality… you can actually see the desperation in the eyes of the people who take selfies.

 

*Fairy tales taught me that if I cried birds would come and do my laundry and household chores while chirping as they do… reality taught me that no one really gives a crap, especially birds.

*A good way to find out how fast you can run……tell your wife she’s turning into her mother.

*According to my doctor I have something resembling carpal tunnel syndrome in my middle finger… resulting from overuse during rush hour.

*”Does anyone else smell BBQ or is it just me?”… Joan of Arc

*Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years… that’s quite a long period.

*I know the sign says “employees must wash hands”…..but I get tired of waiting and usually just wash them myself.

*A missed connection: I was the guy that posed nude for her class… she was the math professor that called security.

*Science:  the phenomenon of drinking a twenty-ounce coffee… and then peeing five times over a two-hour period totaling three gallons.

*Since childhood I’ve never gotten over the fear that when I bite into a peach it’s going to utter a horrifying scream…  after all, it has fur.  You can pet it.

#

 

 

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October 12th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #749 (10-12-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 748 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

You smell a skunk; or is it?

I/we (we, which means my manager, Linda and me) are trying to cover all 1,500 residents in our new City Of Dixon “District 2” voting area. My refereeing over 3,000 soccer game is catching up with me and my hip is finally starting to complain; loudly… but I/ we will do our best to get to your place. If we miss you, or decide not to bother you ( I won’t knock or ring if it’s apparent you have little ones or you’re watching your favorite soap or ball game)…You can learn a lot going from open screen door to open screen door and by what’s on T.V. and  on people’s porches and in their yards.

If we don’t get a chance to talk to you we will leave one of my bi-lingual cards on the door or someplace near. You will also be getting a mailer soon which you can use as fodder against the propaganda from B.S. social media bullying sites and the many enemies I have made over the years…  from newspaper reporting, and columns, and tough decisions as a city council person for 16 years… The wounds add up and what better time to strike back and pick a scab than during an election?

Be that as it may, it’s really neat to hit the streets once again (for the last time). Four years ago we covered the entire city door-to-door. This time, in the first district election for our area, it’s only about 1,500 places. The one big change I’ve noticed walking the streets this time is the pungent smell of marijuana on almost every block we cover. I thought it strange that people would be toking early in the morning or even mid-day until a senior lady on Adams Street and I discussed the odor present on her door step. I said, “ Do people around here smoke like this all of the time to which she replied, “They aren’t smoking right now it the 16 plants ( a couple has eight each) my neighbor is growing (see photo  at the right what it actually looks like) that are near harvest and it smells like that all of the time…its makes me sick.” I took a deep breath and held it for a second and felt a little better…She didn’t but it got me to doing some research.

You know the old: “If it walks like a skunk, looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, you can pretty much bet it’s a skunk.” Well that old adage has been shot to hell. If you walk or ride a bike on many streets in this city you will smell what appears to be a skunk (see top left photo)…but it ain’t necessarily so.  In talking to some of my more cannabis knowledgeable friends I found out most all the plants are nearing harvest now and have flowered out and are filled with the “buds” ( see photo  at the bottom)with the magic resign which produces the pungent odor, much the same as it smells when it’s being smoked. We had been trying to figure when our elderly conservative neighbors started hitting the pipe and jokingly asked them about it and they said they smelled it all the time lately and didn’t know what it was and thought it “might be” a skunk” I told them it wasn’t because the smell flows into our house each time the south wind blows. We thought their neighbors were puffing a lot, like all the time, and now realize it’s probably neighborhood plants just budding out…. All legal now of course, and there’s some smoking taking place, a lot of the time city wide too, no doubt.

How’s the election coming you ask? Glad you asked!

My campaign committee: My manager (my first wife Linda) is on the right and my special consultant… who knows all there is to know about social media, is on the left. His head is just filled withal of their “facts” and stuff…  Below is a (wanna be) social media queen’s transportation from Sac to Dixon: Watch for her with her black hair streaming and beware of her hideous voice trying to scare people everywhere into her nasty, vindictive way of thinking… I hear she’s available for liberal bitching get-togethers, scaring children and trying to influence young soft minded liberals and trolls… Always beware of witches trying to cast spells!

Hickman Halloween Patch/ corn maze for blonds and seniors…

More things for thought!

*Telling someone who’s suffering from depression they’ll feel better after a shower… only results in a now clean, good smelling person who is depressed.

*Jesus:  “I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain.”… Mary:  “Jesus stop complaining”.

*I filmed my wife using her toes to fiddle with my genitals… got some decent footage.

*You know you lead a lonely and solitary existence when you look at a summons to jury duty… as an opportunity to mingle socially.

*I just ate an entire jar of Nutella while watching a rerun of old yeller… now I sit here with tear stained cheeks and absolutely no enamel left on my teeth.

*When I receive a bill that says “early settlement would be appreciated”… I build them a Neolithic village.

*In a marriage a romantic gesture in the first year is possibly flowers, maybe candy, or a surprise dinner out… by year five its regular bathing.

*Welcome to your 60’s… you’ll appreciate handrails now.

*Things I have in common with an avocado: by myself I’m pretty bland, I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft, I’m pleasant for only a small period of time, often found with chips.

*I pissed off two people today by calling them ‘hipsters’… apparently the correct term is ‘conjoined twins’.

*I don’t care if you’re black or white, old or young, rich or poor, male or female, but there comes a time in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it!

*When the bee gees get spooked… do they become the heebie jeebie bee gees?

*The high today was 84 degrees… the low was eating an entire bag of potato chips.

*Sexy lingerie is obviously only for single people ‘cuz when you’re married and have to help fold that stuff it loses its appeal… all morning I’ve been making ‘thong balls’ since they’re harder to fold than a fitted sheet.

*If hindsight is 20/20 why are objects in the rearview mirror closer than they appear?

*We were in the hospital burn unit and were told our friend would have serious problems without a tissue donor. The wife immediately pulled a package of Kleenex from her purse… “How many?”

*I think my wife is such a nice person because as a Canadian… she focuses all of her hatred on geese.

*The hole in this evolution theory is that humans had a pinkie toe… long before they had a need to find furniture in the dark.

*The plan after one beer was to just chill and enjoy the evening’s music at my local bar… after five beers it degenerated, “put me down on the karaoke list for ‘Summer loving;”, I’ll sing both parts!”

*Mr. Potato head was an only child… in spite of being created by Hasbro.

*The new pizza tracker keeps you informed where your pizza is at all times… 6:42:  Ronny left with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash from the till.  6:50:  Ronny was last seen going south on RT 23 speeding, high on meth. 7:04: Ronny got naked, ate your pizza and is in a gunfight with police.

*I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures… it’s my face.

*Why do pictures of people painted centuries ago never show zits?… are they inferring that those people with crappy diets, poor drinking water and that bathed once a year had clear skin?

*That person that makes you laugh when the world can’t… find them.

*The best part of being in a jug band? First you have to empty the jugs!

*It’s rapidly becoming that time of year when all the little girls and boys look quite cute and fashionable in their flannels… and I look like I’ve misplaced my axe.

*Fart like on one else is in the bed.

*If by “crunches” you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it… then yes, I do “crunches”.

*An automobile ‘taint’ is that mysterious area between the seat and the console:  taint seat, taint console……..”My keys fell into the car taint and I can’t reach them”.

*The wife has been spending an inordinate amount of time with a bunch of ladies who now want to start a ‘craft gang’… traveling around messing stuff up and then fixing it with popsicle sticks, glue, and glitter.

*Naked and afraid… in reality it’s just me sitting on the sofa wondering if it’s safe to bite into this hot pocket.

*God: to the man who just prayed to me for a large penis and a sports car……..sorry dude, no one’s got both.

Be aware and beware!

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October 5th 2018
Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 747 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #748 (10-5-18)*

They’re Stealing my signs…Help, let the dogs out!

By Ted Hickman

First you saw them; now you don’t, WTH?

You take my signs … I catch you; I do what my opponent teaches…I have Linda kick you in the nads!

I’m not gonna whine about it… But I had many signs out at the same place you see Scott Pederson’s (in my district by the way) and my opponent’s. Funny theirs are still there and mine are gone. I replace them and they disappear again. The big surprise is how they took a big one from inside the Asian Garden restaurant without anyone seeing them.  Funny, no one has tried to take the one in the photo… Wonder why? Of course the left wing liberal loonies that are obviously stealing the signs are claiming on social media the lack of signs show a lack of support… of course…That’s their plan; take my signs and I lose… that’s the intellect I’m up against, woe is me…

My opponent and his “people” must have a stack of them somewhere (probably heaped on top of the missing Vasquez signs that magically disappeared)… I’ve asked and received permission every place you saw one of my signs…The others…not so much I hear. Why does anyone steal signs? They think that will stop me, or weaken my name recognition (the only reason to have signs except an ego boost)? They can’t be that dumb…or maybe they are. But as this happens more people call and ask for my signs and some complain about my opponent’s signs being placed on their property without their permission…Good strategy huh? I’m getting some unsolicited surveillance footage and pressing charges just so these smart asses will have an arrest on their record and will,(when queried)  (yuck, yuck) have to answer “yes” the rest of their lives to “have you ever been arrested”. Pretty cool huh? Have you ever been queried? Bet it hurts.

 

My plan is to walk to about 1,000 homes in my district and drop off my informative little cards if my hip holds out… In my walks, Monday I came across one of my opponent’s super cool, life like signs that surprised me. At the corner of Washington and D. Street I started up the sidewalk to the door of a house and what to my eyes surprisingly appeared but life like sign (see cell phone photo) which startled me and made me think of dinner… She was active and obviously wanted the apples lying on the ground. I backed off and let her go about her business but I thought… “How cool is this to see a wild turkey wandering freely in the middle of a city”… we still have it, rural America right in the middle of a semi suburbia area… BTW: Turkey season opens right around Election Day…

My opponent is running on a tolerance, acceptance and a non-bullying campaign (although he owns a business that teaches children and his students to kick the crap out of each other) backed and sponsored by dozens of LGBT cyber and other type of bullying specialists… He’s made this race break down into two camps. Simple really; do you stand for and believe in “family values” or “equal representation” i.e., support the LGBT agenda.

A former conservative police chief, now a liberal spokesperson is backing him as well as the consortium of the LGBT coalition… Simple choice as I see it; us or them. If I were one of “them” I would feel as they do, but I/we are part of us that believes in traditional family values…end of story.

He’s giving the usual BS running for office tripe saying nothing but a coded message to the LGBT collation of “I believe in Dignity for all people”… That’s means I don’t?  Be dignified and I’m there; flaunt a radical difference from the norm in my face and I’ll give you all the due respect you’re due…end of story again…

With my opponent you have vague campaign promises and campaign rhetoric… with me you have proven results and a man who stays true to his word and his values…and gets the job done. Not much thinking to do in this race. It “us” or “them”… I’m voting for us. You let your conscious be your guide…

 

When You Just Have To Shop out of town!

 Like I said recently, like all people, we like to shop locally when we can but I know many of you visit Vacaville on a regular basis because we stop and talk to you there. Seems we always see Dixon folks at Sam’s, WINCO (their liquor prices are the cheapest and the assortment the best around) and now the new Sprouts Farmer’s Market (that just opened where the old-Old Navy/Halloween store used to be on the south side of the freeway). This upscale, yuppie, with trending organic, fresh foods, is setting the table for the future with the best prices… for what they have in abundance. Granted Pedrick Produces ( shown in photo) is closer and has all of the fresh fruits, prices and veggies that my kind eat…But it’s great to have so many reasonably priced super choices around of high quality, “farm fresh,” items  so close to home… and there’s never a need to open up a canned food…Really! … If you haven’t been there it’s worth a trip… Fresh pineapples and blueberries for a buck for their opening…and all kinds of fairly priced non GMO –organic fruits and veggies and stuff. You know I don’t steer you wrong on these kinds of things.

More things for thought!

*Have you never noticed how many times that damn doorbell rings on the Golden Girls… try watching the show with your dog, you will.

*I ran three miles this morning… I didn’t intend to but I mistakenly told the wife to go to hell.

*People would probably take hurricanes a lot more seriously… if their names didn’t sound like last week’s church bingo winners.

*”Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”… “Yes, we arson.”

*I knew yoga wasn’t my thing… I threw my back out just trying to put the damn mat down!

*I hate the misconception that all fat people love buffets… I doubt that a chubster sees a waiter bringing their food to the table and thinks “I wish I could be the person walking and carrying that heavy tray.”

*The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation……..so if you get technical it does make you go blind.

*Technology has become such a big part of modern life that I’m never sure whether to believe the sound of the rain beating on the roof… or the weather app that says it’s sunny outside.

*Pigeons can’t fart… unless you squeeze them like bubble wrap.

*Have you ever noticed that the people that are the most offended by nudity… are the same ones that you would never want to see naked?

*After the birth of our third child we decided there must be a better way with more tangible benefits… so this one and any subsequent offspring will be raised completely cage free.

*Technically you can refer to your wife as your ‘ex-girlfriend’……..but I wouldn’t recommend it.

*Every time I hear someone in the government say ‘deep state’ it registers with me as ‘deep dish’… so I’m almost convinced there’s a government conspiracy to get me to buy more pizza.

*Speed limits are for people who don’t have to pee.

*As fall approaches notice that people love it because it’s ‘hoodie weather’… you immediately lose 10 pounds when you put one on.

*My ideal career…I wanna be a bookstore cat.

*A fierce debate has been raging amongst theologians… is Notre Dame’s Touchdown Jesus actually indicating a touchdown, or might it be a field goal or successful extra point?

*Today I am here solely to inform you that not everyone was kung-fu fighting!

*There’s a rumor circulating that Chelsea Handler may have a new book coming out on masturbation techniques for women… “Dildos and Dildont’s”.

*The body of the average baby is 75% water and we wonder how is this possible… all they do is pee and cry!

*While reclining on the couch my wife’s cold foot touched my thigh… the good news is I found I could achieve a four-foot vertical jump from a seated position.

*I tried to get in touch with my feminine side… but it wasn’t speaking to me.

*Everyone thinks Australians are laid back and accepting… but wait until one is standing over you with a chainsaw demanding you pronounce ‘aluminum’ correctly.

*There’s a very fine line between doing research and watching porn on a computer… and our employers need to recognize that line.

*Smoking is hazardous to your health… but not nearly as dangerous as telling her her butt makes that dress look fat.

*”Cougar” sounds so much classier than “old whore”.

*I find it odd that apparently Mary, the mother of Jesus, originated the last second long pass into the end zone hopefully for a touchdown……..that bears her name.

*In 1998 I became the first human to beat an IBM computer… in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

*The wife is refusing to go to the clubs with me anymore on Saturday nights…she says I dance like a zombie trying to hold in a fart.

*As I look back at all the successes and failures in my life I can’t help but be proud… at least the potty-training thing took.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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September 29th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #747 (9-28-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 746 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com


Two Things…

  1. Bert and Ernie…Oh no, tell me it ain’t so
  2. Did you realize that “Rusty” in the Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation movie is the grown up “Leonard” in the “Big Bang” television…series? Look close and you can see it…Jut put glasses on “Rusty”.
  3. The city council Tuesday voted 3-2 to keep spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayers’ dollars on the way to a $3,000,000 + bill (that’s millions) on a parking lot (not the real photos shown) in downtown Dixon across from Bud’s restaurant. The old Tige’s Shell station site has been tagged the “Pardi Market” site (the actual market that was once east of this site).

This program has been championed by Scott Pederson who is running for re-election and he swears “the majority of people are in favor of this” “This” being the second huge debacle, in my opinion, in Dixon’s recent history. The first was the $7,000,000 + tunnel (that’s millions) in addition to the $1,250,000 (million) “train station” that became a real estate office and C of C office rented below market rate (for political pay back reasons I guess)… built with taxpayers dollars with the promise “if you build it they will come”…that’s over $8.2 million and they ain’t come yet and aren’t likely to in our lifetimes. This same liberal logic is being applied to a paved surface with a few planters and a gazebo/mini band shell in the middle.

Councilman Minnema, who also voted against it pointed out again what my first wife, Linda, has been saying all along…you have a beautiful tree lined park one block north which has room for the gazebo and with little money and effort we could have a grassy, shady area conducive to all kinds of events…but NO, councilman Pederson wants this to be his legacy since he is the primary pusher  of the project…Get this straight…$3+ million dollars to take away valuable parking spots in the center of downtown and put in planters and a gazebo…It’s true. Ask Scott himself he will proudly explain it to you how “everybody is in favor of this”.

From my stand point I have to go with our junior councilperson on this one….If we build “this” they may come… just to see what a $3+ million parking lot and a $8.2+ million train station where no train will stop, and underground tunnel, looks like…Maybe they will come to just see what a city that allowed this to happen to it looks like… and while here probably try to sell us a dinosaur or some premium swamp land in Elmira.

 Big endorsements coming to Dixon!

Rumor still has it that our out of town meddler (who doesn’t read this “trash” but can quote it weekly word-for-word) in Dixon politics has arranged for the mayor of Sacramento to endorse my opponent… makes sense. He’s made Sacramento the homeless, LGBT haven for Northern California… and has turned our state capitol into not the show place it once was. Yeah, like I said, bring it; we want some of that here!

No matter, when it comes to endorsements I have my own waiting in the wings… really! I contacted my old buddies Barak, Hilary and Donald and Michele for endorsements and their people are to be in contact with my people. The Donald owes me big time for endorsing him. They haven’t said when they are coming to Dixon yet, probably on their next big pre-election West coast swing. I just need a short notice to reserve Bud’s downtown and the old Vet’s hall so I can quaff a few brews with my peeps when they get here

 

More things for thought!

*For a more lifelike simulation when I go to the gym with the intention of using the rowing machine… I always wear my fishing vest, my hat covered in lures, and bring a cooler of beer.

*We decided to buy a piano instead of a treadmill… it gives us much more space to pile our dirty laundry.

*I’m so sick of answering questions about the age differences between the kids… now I just tell people the oldest one came with the house.

*I wore the wife’s bra for the entire day today… walking a mile in her shoes would have been easier.

*Back in my day ketchup only came in glass bottles but I’m very grateful for the life lessons it taught me… most problems can be solved with patience, a couple of hard smacks or a knife.

*What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

*Each child brought more confidence in parenting.  Child one; it was all “be careful, support his head”, and then with child two; “dangle him by his feet he loves it!”… with child three, “we don’t have a ball, use your baby brother!”

*I’m thinking of starting a car service for dogs… call it the Scooby D-Uber.

*What happens when someone breaks into the home of one of these people that don’t have any sort of weapon for self-protection? Do they give the offender a stern talking to?

*Few people know Trump tried to get into medical school but did poorly on the admission test. He said he felt good about only one answer, “when you come across an unconscious female you feel her pu_s_ . (fill in the blanks). His friend said it was easy, her pulse………”dang! I missed that one too!”

*Inhaling helium from a balloon can kill you…but the call to 911 would be hilarious!

*We need a pet that is quiet, doesn’t make a mess in the house, is obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture… I’m thinking we need a hardboiled egg.

*If it wasn’t for passing gas I’d never lose any weight.

*Why is it when Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head she’s selfless and a saint…. when I put a dish towel on my head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again!”

*I’ve reached that point with the kids that today when I found a garlic press in the shower… I didn’t even care to ask why.

*I dated a mime once… it was so good because she could do so many unspeakable things!

*Thom: Pumpkin spice lube… do I have to think of everything?

*In crap at home again ‘cuz when she asked me if I’d ever consider trading her for a younger woman… I mistakenly replied that age wasn’t the issue,I’d just trade for one that didn’t talk throughout the game.

*For the record… riding my unicycle when I robbed the liquor store was a terrible idea.

*Archeology is just like search and rescue work except everyone’s been dead for 5000 years or so… so the sense of urgency is minimal.

*Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds… social media has shown us just how crappy that power would actually be.

*I hope that they never publicly show Betty White’s infamous sex tape ‘cut she’s 94 years old with saggy and wrinkled breasts, false teeth, thinning hair… plus it’s not my best performance either

*Went to a Waffle House the other evening and when the waitress said “what’ll you have” I asked “what would you recommend?”… “IHOP”.

*The difference between the wife and me is if we both fell in a well she’d exhaust herself trying to climb out bitching all the while about the injustice of living in a world having wells… I’d just say “guess we fell in a well”.

*The closest I get to extreme sports… is frying bacon naked.

*People say you can reduce stage fright with a little liquor prior to the show… bring enough for everyone you may not even have to perform!

*Once, just once, I’d like to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

*When I’m feeling pretty snobby I walk right past the $5 DVD bin at Walmart… and smartly and confidently approach the $7.88 Blu-Ray selections.

*I don’t have oral sex but it’s not because I’m a prude or anything… it’s just that you need two people.

Country Rental Home

I had a little piece last week about a 4/ 3, modular rental home we have  to rent way out (10 miles from town with no immediate neighbors)  in rural Dixon; same zip code. We weren’t able to give the many callers a price but it’s settled on and we will rent with first and last month the right circumstances + rental agreement and references needed. Ready very soon, if not sooner. Call 678-2203 and leave a message and we’ll get back to you ASAP.

 

 

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September 21st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #746 (9-21-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 745 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

Seen any of these signs? They must be collector’s items because several went missing shortly after I put them up. Bring ‘em back and I’ll autograph it for a $5 contribution to my election fund. If you live on a corner house or on a street with heavy traffic in the northwestern portion of the city and want to display one to help me out please call on our landline at 678-2203.

My opponent is being endorsed by the far left and backed by the LGBT the same as Scott Pederson who is running for office in District 1.

We are in, and I currently represent District # 2 (even though I was voted to my current elected post by all of the voters in the city)… just in case you wondered… District #2 is geography roughly located from McDonalds, East, down Stratford to 7-11 then south on Adams to Cheaper (at the corner at West A St.) and then West to N. Almond and North to West H. Street (kind of a big L shape). If you live in this strange L shaped area you’re mine so to speak.

This is a strange election and will be my last campaign…  After devoting our lives to this city and its government, off and on over four decades, for 16 years, I’ll retire after four more years. I’m only running again to make sure the many projects which I either started or that I‘ve been working on come to fruition.

I haven’t missed a city council meeting in the 16 years I’ve served and we’ve planned our whole lives, vacations, hunting trips, etc. around the city council meetings. I’m not complaining, I take my job seriously and it comes with the territory if you are conscientious.

Candidates make all kinds of promises to get elected and then fall flat on their faces when they can’t deliver because they forget (or don’t realize) when they are making all of these campaign promises they need two more votes to do anything.

There are many people in the community who know just some of the things in which I/we have been involved that will leave a lasting impression on this city. For example you can ask MaryAnn McDonald if there would be a Northwest Park if it wasn’t for my persistence as a councilman and newspaper editor encouraging (demanding) the developer (her husband at the time) donate the land…Or Delores Garton (one the of the first Little League board members) if there would be either a Little League or Little League fields without me being both on the city council and editor of the Dixon Tribune at the time. Ask Brenda Gilday about me, she one of the first trend setters for women to coach in both soccer and Little League and serve on their boards. She can attest to my long standing commitment to both of those programs…It goes on and on… actual deeds not words… and somethings very few know: how I had to really fight to get the police department (with the council’s urging) to hire the first female officer, the first Hispanic officer and the first and only male hairdresser officer in the 60’s and early 70’s… you think that was an easy thing to do? The right thing, yes, Easy, not on your life… those were three not popular battles in a community of 1,800 conservative people…

Yeah, “but what have you done for me lately”? I’ll tell you some of the things. I have been the lead singer, so to speak, of the city’s vocal group, on many things that affect us all on a daily basis… Like: working with Cal Trans and Solano County on our highway and streets… You think it was quick and easy to get the off ramp out by Walmart repaired or the on ramp out off West A. Street finally fixed. How about the dangerous county roads addressed (like Porter and Pitt School) that have claimed so many lives and ruined many families?  Been out in the country lately? Our county supervisors have done a great job, along with STA addressing the safety problems at the worse intersections with apparent success.

Cal Trans has promised to enhance the safety measures at Midway and St. Rt. 113. All of these things that appear to be “suddenly happening” have taken years of constant “reminders” to the powers that be to get the job done. How about the solar speed zones at ALL schools and the red light warnings on stop signs? How about the fact we now have SRO’s (armed school resource (police) officers) in line for the high school and one for the Jr. High/ elementary schools to provide a measure of safety and a link to law enforcement for our children? You think that just happened? Wrong. All of these things took years and constant “reminders” to the right people and agencies that we in Dixon need to be heard and helped. And if you stay persistent sometimes you can make things happen… It wasn’t luck or chance that made these, and many other things get done…It was having one person who refused to take “no” or no action as an answer…. I’ve been called the pit bull of local government,… which is one of the nicer terms applied to my hounding style of getting the bureaucracy to respond…but my “whatever it takes” philosophy has been successful with getting the end result… coming from the  tenacity  bred into me I guess.

When Little League, Soccer, youth basketball, swim team, or other groups have a problem guess who they call? Yep, you guessed it. They call the person that “can get things done”…and have used me as the “go to person” for years.

No Swimsuits in the Miss American Pageant? WTF?

Miss Michigan Rima Fakih competes in bathing suit portion of the Miss USA 2010 pageant, Sunday, May 16, 2010 in Las Vegas. Fakih was later crowned Miss USA 2010. (AP Photo/Isaac Brekken) Original Filename: MISS_USA_NVIB108.jpg

Talk about un-American carp or political correctness going to the extreme; women of the feminist movement have finally put enough of their people in place to pervert a beautiful American tradition.  Good move. The swimsuitless Miss USA pageant ratings sunk like the Titanic. Duh.

I mean, come on, the Miss America Pageant without swimsuits is like: baseball, football, soccer, bowling, golf, or tennis without balls.  This contest was already that way!

I mean, come on, their reasoning… this: “Making girls feel they are not up to par unless they have a beautiful, in shape body” is a fallacy  (all young women should strive to be the best they can be and make the most of what they have…beauty, after all is in the eye of the viewer not the viewee.

Little girls have always dreamed of becoming ‘Miss America” and what’s wrong with striving to have the best mind, body and spirit you can possible have. All former winners have been role models for millions of girls. This political correctness stuff needs to end.

Take down historic statues because someone is offended (boo-hoo), bend over backwards (carefully and look over your shoulder while doing it I might add) to accommodate those on the other side… The silent majority (my people) need to speak up and remind them (the others) who’s really in charge… I’m banking on you in the coming election.

Country house for rent!

We have a place about 10 miles out of town that is perfect for a family that appreciates and knows how to live in the country. Not everyone can live on an 80 acre cattle ranch. You’ve got noises that are music to the ear to some folks an annoying to others. Then you have a beautiful view of the foothills one way and the sierra on the other and the windmills off in the distance. It’s a modern modular with four bedrooms and three baths down a one-way in and out driveway. It’s not cheap, but its big. It will take the right person(s) for us to enter into an agreement but it is perfect for that right person or family that knows what country living is like and loves the solitude, serenity and country style of living. For the right person there is also a huge shop for rent if they have a business or need a huge storage space. The place needs a little touch up from the last family that left abruptly but nothing major… and could be moved into immediately and we can get updates done in conjunction with the renter. Not many places like this in Solano County. So if you know someone who has been displaced and needs or want a fairly large home in the middle of nowhere, but close to town, call Linda or me at 678-2203

More Things for Thought see next week or go to tedhickman.com.

* Its ok to buy your grandma those leopard print bikini undies to match her liver spots.

*I knew it was a sign that the end times were near…….when the wife casually dropped an f-bomb during the price is right.

New bedford, 1849.  A lone figure dressed in black paces languidly on her widow’s walk, one ivory hand caressing the balustrade……..the other holding her phone toward the sea attempting to get better reception.

If you want to be alone in walmart……..just go to the book section.

My grandfather was a bit of a hoarder and never liked to throw anything away……he died in the war holding a hand grenade.

Sometimes i just like to walk down a busy street and yell “hey! Dickhead!”……just to see how many schmucks will turn around.

Is it possible electric eels didn’t have a name…..until electricity was discovered?

When someone takes a near fatal fall down a flight of stairs the one thing nearly everyone forgets……the first couple of seconds were pretty damn funny!

But can i run with cuticle scissors?

Chimpanzees use tools more than any other animal with the exception of man……this is exactly why you never loan one your home depot card.

Do people who insist on a healthy breakfast every morning even know about cinnamon rolls?

My grandson wanted to know why geometry was important and i told him it’ll be obvious to him after he turns 30 and is trying to take a selfie……..and is trying to find the right angle to hide his double chin.

Why are they called a “wet nurse” rather than the “community chest”?

The titanic band all died after playing throughout the evening…….there are conflicting reports over the last number played with some saying it was “nearer, my god, to thee” while others said “hotline bling”.

Research has shown that resveratrol is an antioxidant found in wine which in large doses may be helpful for women…….with ‘irritating husband syndrome’.

When i have dinner with a vegetarian i order two steaks…….and use them as buns for my third steak.

After hearing unexplained noises late at night in the house the dog appears ready to defend us……..”down boy, you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket.

Sexual activities neurotransmitter release can unblock a stuffy nose…….but “wanna clear your sinuses?” makes for a shitty pick up line.

The guy sitting next to me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel……i think i may have found my soulmate.

I’ve never been on jeopardy but i have put toddlers to bed…….so i know what it’s like to be asked about things you’ve never even heard of.

“some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love, some call me mau-“……”sir, we just need a name to put on your latte”.

If we could can and save dog farts…….there isn’t a war we couldn’t win.

I hate when i get woken up in the middle of an afternoon nap…..it’s even worse when the boss starts yelling.

Studies have shown that migrating salmon swim twice as fast when given anti-anxiety medication and these happy salmon are more effective swimmers….of course you can’t let then operate machinery after a salmon dinner.

I used my medicare silver sneakers benefit and visited the gym, took the tour and filled out the application……and now i’m exhausted.

I don’t do selfies…….i already know what i look like.

Science has shown that using conditioner in your hair after a nuclear explosion causes radioactive particles to bind to the hair follicle…..the conclusion being that nuclear war causes split ends.

E-harmony should have a ‘pet section’ where by swiping right or something you can choose to hang out with their dog…..but not the owner.

The first sign that we were becoming an “everyone gets a trophy” nation……when pabst got that blue ribbon.

‘Give a man a fish and he has food for a day’ is lame…….show him where mcdonald’s is and he has filet-o-fish for a lifetime.

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with cleanliness…….so i washed my hands of her.

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September 16th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #745 (9-7-18

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 744 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

“Dixon confronts a Trump trickle-down after vice mayor’s antigay comments… …San Francisco Chronicle”

To see thethe article  go to: https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/Dixon-s-dilemma-After-vice-mayor-s-antigay-13216250.php#photo-16132453

Excerpt: “The vice mayor of Dixon wrote his much-discussed column after he switched on his television June 24 and saw men dressed in leather chaps dancing on multicolored floats through the streets of San Francisco. It was the annual Gay Pride Parade. Sitting in his home 65 miles northeast of the city, Hickman — who has alabaster cropped hair, a matching white handlebar mustache and piercing blue eyes — worried that the “offensive” behavior shown at pride celebrations would become people’s perception of all of California.

Five days later, the 74-year-old raised his concerns in what he described to The Chronicle as a “tongue-in-cheek” and “satirical” column published in the Independent Voice, a weekly newspaper published by Dave Scholl, who prints 4,500 issues and delivers them himself”

Give it up it’s not going to work…

A chubby, grubby, long haired local troll and two obsessed vengeful witches, one local one not, must have little in their own lives of  real importance and spend much of their spare time trying to unsuccessfully  convince people that I’m things people know I’m not…give it up. Folks know both you and me for what we really are; I win, you lose. This is a traditional family community made up of a working class population that has family values and won’t be hoodwinked by any of your Gaystopo tactics. Good luck. The troll, who makes a nice living off the sweat an toil of his SEIU mandatory union workers got his picture and even a statement in the story above, Click on the link and see what you think. All-in-all not bad considering their audiences for which they write.

You know during all of this orchestrated crap not one word has been said about what I’ve done in my 16 years as an elected official, always elected by ALL of the voters of the city. Or about all of the things I/we have accomplished dedicating most of our adult lives to the city of Dixon and its people… No complaints there huh? I will fill in the blanks in the coming weeks and people can decide for themselves if they want to judge people by their words and their lack of credible action and more empty promises… or done deeds. I’m tired of the meaningless rhetoric and the time for actual facts is almost upon us…Yea!

 

9-11-2001… Wow; 100 Years ago, hard to believe!

            Enough of the “remember where you were stuff?”… I’m still peeved because we haven’t had sufficient payback to the countries and people who financed, trained and provided aid and comfort to the effort to hurt our country so badly… so as part of the healing process I did a little research and we still provide zillions of bucks and trade with these sand enemies as if nothing happened; something did happen, remember? NEVER FORGET. Those who forget the mistakes of the past are likely to make the same mistakes in the future…All of that aside, I was wondering what it was like in our country in 1918, 100 years before this present day tight butted society existed… and here’s what I found (Yes, I had run this before, a long time ago, but brought it back):

The year is 1918 “One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1918:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1918 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year.

A dentist earned $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian earned between $1,500 and 4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had no college education!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

  1. Pneumonia and influenza
  2. Tuberculosis
  3. Diarrhea
  4. Heart disease
  5. Stroke

The American flag had 48 stars…

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned soft drinks, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A. for the year!

I’m giving this to you without typing it myself.  From there, it can be sent to others all over the world all in a matter of seconds!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years…We’ve come a long way…

 

More things for Thought

*If you are “one in a million” this means there are 7,243 people just like you… which implies there are 7,243 people with a crippling personality disorder.

*Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey drumstick in the shower!

*It is now possible to buy pills that will cause passing gas to smell like flowers and chocolate… at long last, a valentine’s gift that actually makes some sense!

*I don’t have the time to worry about which bathroom the transgenders are using… I’m dealing with my own anxiety issues about using a public restroom.

*Two roads diverged in a woods, I took the one most traveled by… figuring there had to be a McDonalds or a Starbucks on the way.

*My wife seems to think I have one of those “how am in driving?” messages on my car!

*The last remaining Crocs manufacturing plant is closing… leaving dads to find another way to embarrass their teenage daughters.

*I was asked out by a woman on eHarmony who stated she had an “infectious smile”… turns out she had cold sores.

*Our landline rang today… the kids all got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm had gone off.

*I was prepared to pay $100 an hour to go see a psychic… but just before in did in found in could buy a huge box of fortune cookies for $18.50.

*Whatever, Usain Bolt, I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years!

*As red wine runs down my face and stains my shirt I conclude “man, you sure can eat a lot of bread!”… is not a comment a lady on a dinner date wants to hear.

*I never cried at weddings… until the one where the reverend asked me if ‘I do’.

*Some schmuck I knew in fourth grade just friended me on Facebook and what the hell do we have to talk about… “hey, Billy, still super into recess and foursquare?”

*Helen Keller was only allowed to pick out the blinds. (moan…)

*To all you young couples who are using your pets as ‘trial children’ you will learn nothing about parenting… because you can never teach a toddler to “sit!”

*”Exercise good judgment.”…. I think not!  I don’t exercise anything.

*Blueberries are supposedly good for your memory… now if I can only remember that the next time I go shopping.

*”I’m married to a raving lunatic!” is an actual quote from my wife yesterday confiding in the neighbors golden retriever… but the joke’s on her, that dog tells me everything!

*Escargot always makes me feel sluggish.

*Scientists discovered that alligators sport permanently-erect, hidden penises that they can whip out at a moment’s notice… ‘ Who looks for that kind of stuff?

*I don’t think schizophrenia has diminished my girlfriend… in fact; she’s now 3 of my favorite people.

*That will be $6.84 and would you care to donate $1 to the children’s hospital fund… or would you prefer to be judged and ridiculed by a taco bell employee?  

*I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend… and no longer work in the maternity ward.

*DuPont was found guilty for using a known toxic chemical in the making of Teflon… I didn’t think the charges would stick.

*(I have a friend that’s a doctor so when we decide to hang out we agree on a time… then I arrive 20 minutes late and after 3 minutes I leave.

*I’m actually kind of handsome… when you’ve had too much to drink, the lights are low, there are no other guys in the room and your standards are really low.

*When experiencing an orgasm the pituitary gland releases several neurotransmitters that stimulate healing and suppress disease helping one heal… of course, when you’re sick it’s hard to find anyone to play doctor.

*Farting in the nursing home isn’t considered rude… it’s actually kind of the secret handshake.

*”No Botox for me, thanks, I just keep putting on weight… in an attempt to fill out the wrinkles.”

 

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September 8th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #744 (9-7-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straightarrowted@gmail.com For the 743 Past consecutive uncensored columns “That’s Life” Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

“Drove my Chevy to the levy… Not”

Only car people or those in high school in the 50’s/60’s will fully understand this… but when you think about it, it’s really funny… Sent to me by an old high school chum… The owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this:

On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town because it needed gas, as the gauge was on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.

He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking and eyeing the car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.

The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone. He called the police and reported the theft.

About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town. It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station.

She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and prepaid for $20 worth of gas. Then, all three of them walked around the car for quite a while. Then, they all got in the car and drove off, without filling the tank.

The question is why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped and then abandon the car just a short distance away later and walk away?

 

They couldn’t find where to put the gas!

 

Nike Can suck it!

Colon Crapernick, the anti-American super schmuck has landed a position with the left wing liberal Nike company (after the NFL dumped him for his Anti-American stance). You know them. The multi-millionaires that have all of their popular products out sourced and made by starvation waged employees overseas… Yep,that Nike, should be Yike.

My Advice is if you don’t appreciate them throwing Crapernick back in our face as some kind of a hero or role model for our youth, is to give all of your Nike crap to the neediest homeless you can find.

Of course buy no more Nike logo products of any kind from shoes to clothes to hats. Just do it!

They have made Colon their star and consumers need to tell Nike where to shove all of anyone’s products carrying their logo… where the sun don’t shine. Just do it!

Disrespect this country, our fighting men and women, law enforcement and get a big sponsorship from a left winged waco bunch…when no team in the NFL will touch him… and to burn the public even more Nke started their ad staring him during the opening NFL game last night (Thursday)…  Screw Nike and any product that bears their logo. Find the poorest folks you can and give them all of your best Nike crap, and of course buy nothing with that logo Just do it! … show these hipster, ultra left wingers what you think of them shoving this piece of Turdlock . Ca. crap in our faces. It’s a shame I don’t have more space or I’d tell you what I really think… “Believe in something even if it means sacrificing everything..”  (What, he thinks he’s me now differing with the LGBTQY?-WTF crowd)  …. That’s  what the ad says… Hella big sacrfice and big bucks for not playing!… Give me a frigging break; Obama bout sums up the majority’s feelings for a change don’t you think?

 

More Things for thought!

Speaking of rats…Only in San Francisco…  When a friend or ours from Oklahoma was visiting with us he found his way into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking, that the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

 “Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinese man. The tourist quickly pulled out $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers, and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later, he looked behind him and saw to his horror, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay… Again, after a couple blocks; he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and they were squealing louder and coming toward him faster and faster.

He panicked, ran to the edge of the bay and threw the rat in and it was followed by millions that jumped in and drowned. He hustled back to the shop in Chinatown and looked up the old gentleman who asked him, “So you come back for the story?” The tourist said, “Nope, just wondering if you had a bronze Democrat!

*Have you ever postponed and rescheduled a dental appointment… just so you can catch up on your flossing?

*My dog thinks I’m just about the most amazing person on the planet… but I don’t let that go to my head ‘cut I’m pretty sure the damn cat has me figured out.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*Have you ever postponed and rescheduled a dental appointment… just so you can catch up on your flossing?

*Harley-Davidson will soon be selling an ecologically correct electric motorcycle… the purchase price will include a special helmet that will protect you from the ridicule and laughter of your biker friends.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*No one seemingly takes their job more seriously… than the guy responsible for gluing down the start of the toilet paper roll.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*No one seemingly takes their job more seriously… than the guy responsible for gluing down the start of the toilet paper roll.

*My granddaughter just said to me completely out of the blue, “bob”, if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly… so your fat will save you.”

*I have a work wife but I don’t have sex with her… just like a real wife.

*My book group this month read “ventriloquism for dummies”… we met in the living room to discuss it but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

*After years of marriage I’ve learned the ultimate secret how to keep a woman satisfied in bed… let her sleep.

*So his client, a priest asked, “how is the mural on the chapel floor coming along?”… Michelangelo, (turning the plans 180 degrees), “craap!”

y-Davidson will soon be selling an ecologically correct electric motorcycle… the purchase price will include a special helmet that will protect you from the ridicule and laughter of your biker friends.

*My dog thinks I’m just about the most amazing person on the planet… but I don’t let that go to my head ‘cut I’m pretty sure the damn cat has me

*My origin story, like Peter Parker’s, also began with a spider bite…. but mine resulted only in a minor pustule, which although visually unpleasant required only a topical anti-infective.

*A corndog is just a meat Twinkie.

*My wife just stopped and said “you weren’t even listening, were you?”… I thought, “What an odd way to start a conversation.”

*I once dated a girl who was a twin and people asked how I could tell them apart but it was fairly simple… Jill used this odd purple nail polish, while frank had a scraggly beard.

*Do you not find it odd that first we have to pretend to be asleep… in order to fall asleep?

*Almost anything can be naughty fun…….if you add strawberry jam and duct tape.

*Unless you’re planning to be laid out shirtless in an open casket… there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

*I’m really disappointed that a goblet is just a cup… and not a miniature goblin.

*I would assume that the best part of working in Alaska is that after your commute into work… you get to bring your nine huskies into the office with you.

*The teacher corrected me and said “your colon is in the wrong place.”… “But my heart and kidneys are, right?”

*You put the cute in electrocute!

*We’ve run out of coffee this morning so the wife pressured me to go to the neighbors…….so I knocked and then awkwardly asked them to go the store.

*I punched out the mailman and threw away a vacuum cleaner today… the neighborhood dogs proclaimed me their king!

*Rode to the top of the space needle today in that frightful elevator with a whole lot of children amidst a great deal of screaming and crying… you’d thought one of them would have asked me “what’s wrong?”

*Ptarmigans are the depends of the aviary world… the pee is silent and you don’t want to get caught with one in your pants.

 

I’ve never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the first northern bank or send a check to me/us as “committee to re-elect ted Hickman” (acct # 01083764) @ 650 sierra dr. Dixon ca. 95620… please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… Over $100 it becomes public record.   $99 seems to be the magic number!

 

 

 

 

 

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September 2nd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #743 (8-31-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 742 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Hickman’s “Believe it or not

Even though you live in California and know wackiness has no limits… this one is both hard to believe and hard to swallow. Your libertard governor signed a bill Tuesday that will make Ca. the first state to eliminate bail for suspects awaiting trial if they can’t afford it. I guess if they say, “I’ll be there” it will be good enough to let them out of jail….A get out of jail free card if you will. I’ll go more into the convoluted reasoning next week. This is more than enough for now…check it out yourself!

Granny Get Yer Gun; Again!

Dove season starts Saturday.

 

Species Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove Statewide Sep 1 – 15 &
Nov 10 – Dec 24
15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves Triple the daily bag
Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove No limit
Eurasian Collared-dove All Year No limit

…So Saturday morning, if you live near the country it may sound like a war going on when actually it’s just the start of the annual 15 day hunting season for Mourning dove… and it will be like that, off and on, for the next 15 days gunning for the little pretty sounding birds you see and hear all of the time in the city. Unfortunately they are being bullied and bred out of existence by the invasive Eurasian collared-dove.    We try to shoot everyone one of the vulgar sounding pigeon like mega doves and lay off the little mourning dove when we can. (See photo of one of each above). Also pictured from a past year are  neighbor Shane Nichols and I in one photo and shot gunning Linda Hickman and Missy Nichols both shooting O/U 20 gauge shotguns, in the other… seen with near limits of the tasty critters. The fast flying birds are not easy to hit and with winds are even more difficult.

This is another food item which can’t be bought in the market but is considered a delicacy and relished by many.  PETA; yes we are active members and have a bumper sticker to prove it!

Speaking of Shooting…

If you own a firearm and don’t shoot it you might as well sell it or give it away (via licensed FFL dealer). No place to shoot it your say? Balderdash (whatever the hell that means). There are two indoor shooting ranges in Vacaville and they even rent handguns to try out if you don’t have one but want to get into the shooting sports; or just learn how to shoot to for self-protection. There is also a primo outdoor shooting range “Yolo Sportsman” located between Davis and Woodland (by the Davis airport) where you can shoot pistols and rifles…. The main sight-in area for deer hunters at this time of the year… Goggle all of them for more info.

We are lucky in Solano County that we have a sheriff who is not opposed to people have CWP (concealed weapon permits). The dimwitted sheriff  in Yolo County allows none I hear or makes it so difficult that many give up, or just don’t try. In Davis you don’t need one you can use words to hurt someone and just politely asked them not to rape, rob or kill you or your family and they will probably say Ok and just go away…In Woodland,  maybe not so much.

Our just re-elected sheriff, Thomas A. Ferrara, told me he has no problem issuing permits (they must be issued by the county sheriff’s department) to citizens with clean records with a reasonable reason for wanting one. The permits including, the class you must take, county and state permit fees and the time and travel it takes to get one up the cost a bit, but what the heck

You can get one by starting the process on Solano County’s web site, clicking on the Sheriff’s Department and then following instructions. Once you have your permit, and learn all of the ins and outs in the class you take (taught by seasoned law enforcement officers) you can then carry a handgun, concealed on your person (with some restrictions) or in your vehicle. With the way the world is today the time and money spent getting the permit could save you or your family in an emergency life threatening situation. In our immediate neighborhood we probably have a lot more guns and ammo that the police department. We have many hunters and shooters on our block alone.

You have to qualify with your handgun (s) you select to carry, and then renew and re-qualify every two years after taking a refresher course. I have had one (CWP) since the 60’s when my life was first threatened after doing a story on a drug bust. Most of our adult family members have one too. Honestly; It’s better to have one and not need it than need it and not have one.

In the Invading hordes magazine there’s a foot note that you might want to stay away from our area because the odds of you picking the wrong house to pillage or maim or whatever, are not in the bad guy’s favor. The rules are strict, the path not the easiest,  BUT you can get a permit in Solano County if you really want one. The photos below show my first wife, Linda shooting a .25 Browning auto and me a Glock 40 (with a laser sight). We were shooting practice rounds at an indoor range with the .25 the 9mm and the 40mm.at A.S.P. Shooting range, at 27 Commerce Place just of leisure town road… yes, we are good shots.

If you’ve ever thought about it now’s the time to act while we have a pro-CWP sheriff in office. A few years from now who knows?

 

More Things for thought

*Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight I give a karate bow to my opponent…in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I totally humiliate myself.

*I’m sick of hearing about this world class chef that supposedly works at taco bell! Everyone knows chefs don’t work at taco bell… your weed dealer works at taco bell.

*Jay-z has an underachieving brother named lay.

*They couldn’t explain the ever-increasing numbers of Christians and the continuing decline and dwindling population of lions…….but the Roman emperors thought they’d devised an elegant solution to both.

*Could someone familiar with cartoon lore tell me if Pluto, Goofy, Porky Pig, Donald or Mickey still has testicles……and if not, who was responsible for their neutering?

*Looking forward to the new show about enjoying Asian noodles… “everybody loves ramen”.

*The best form of transportation out of the big 3, (train, plane, ship), is the train… as it is the only one where you can see a cow out the window without feeling a justifiable sense of panic.

*Roses are red, violets are blue, and I need another cup of coffee…….and a donut, too.

*As she looked at the pregnancy test she said “hmmm, it’s positive. That’s strange.”… he thought back to opening the condom wrapper with his car key, “yep. Sure is.”

*I wouldn’t call myself an actor… but I once believably feigned interest for more than 7 minutes while a co-worker showed me baby videos from her phone.

*Solved the problem of getting dizzy when I stand up… stay seated.

*My bank’s website is just one letter off from some very descriptive porn site and it’s really annoying… I keep accidentally visiting my banks website.

*Was at the pet store and asked if the birdcage was made of nickel. “No, I think it’s made of aluminum”, he said… “Oh, migawd, it’s a nickeless cage!”

*Grandpa always said “drink until she’s beautiful… but stop before you ask her to marry you.”

*Have you ever noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn such as baseball, skiing, golf, whatever… there’s always some well-intentioned pseudo-expert telling you to keep your knees bent?

*I just ate an omelet made with organic eggs and sesame seed butter… never have I felt more prepared to buy a Prius.

*I washed a man in Reno… just to watch him dry.

*When we were young we didn’t have online dating so we’d write ‘for a good time call…’ on public bathroom walls … and then wait for the phone to ring.

*Got asked to leave a vegetarian potluck… for bringing animal crackers.

*My first day of work at the zoo I informed the boss “I got the pandas to have sex, it wasn’t that tough.”  He queried, “You actually got the pandas to mate with each other?”… “Oh, no, not with each other.”

 

I’ve never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the first northern bank or send a check to me/us as “committee to re-elect ted Hickman” (acct # 01083764) @ 650 sierra dr. Dixon ca. 95620… please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… Over $100 it becomes public record.

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August 24th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #742 (8-24-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Dixon Lions –Texas Hold’emTourney, tomorrow evening at the old Vet’s Hall downtown! You can still get tickets or just drop in by 6.

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 741 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

WARNING: This column was written by an award winning photo journalist without prior approval of the Dixon City Council, American Legion or the Dixon School board; so proceed carefully.

Switch Hitters on your city council!

Wanna play ball huh? I only know hardball!

…No more Mr. nice Guy, I warned you!

(Editor’s note: It wouldn’t seem like we would have to explain this but here goes: Ted Hickman is a reporter/photographer/columnist for this publication and has been from almost the start. He writes this very popular column as a columnist…it has no baring or relationship to his elected position as one of our city councilmen. That’s one hat, this is another. His record as an elected official stands on its own and goes without question as being one of the best in recent history.

           So, Ted Hickman has written this column for decades in various publications and continually for the last 14 & ½ years for this publication. He is a state and national award winning photo journalist and was singled out for persecution for a column he wrote in July saying he was personally offended by the television news coverage of showing California  where the huge gay pride parade was televised passing it off as the norm. He went on to say if the LGBT community has wrangled the whole month of June in California to be “gay pride month” then the month of July, starting on the 4th should be celebrated as “SPAM” Straight Pride American Month. Using his own brand of satire and humor he said he knew he couldn’t make any proclamation as Dixon’s vice mayor, but if he could he would proclaim July as SPAM month. He later said if he had it all to do over he wouldn’t have used only the two words “vice, mayor”.

          The ultra-left took this as an opening to rally troops around their causes and champion the LGBT movement… Several dozen people attended a city council meeting and protested Hickman’s right of free speech and demanded his ouster from the council and that he be stripped of his “vice Mayor” title… neither which occurred. Two of his fellow elected officials turned on him to settle old scores and joined the LGBT support movement calling Hickman’s column as “disgusting, horrible”, etc. They tried to get him removed as vice mayor and had authorities check to see if he could be removed from office… During all of this Hickman, much to his credit, stood firm and made no comments about any of it or his fellow councilmembers stabbing him in the back to gain LGBT political backing…Which brings us up to date and this column below explaining some things from his viewpoint.)

            Young councilman Devon Minnema will go down in Dixon political history, for seriously being questioned by many if he was eligible to run for council in the first place. Secondly he is noted for his embarrassing run for county supervisor foolishly thinking that his non-productive two years on the Dixon City council somehow qualified him for that higher office. Not only did he lose his own home town, but didn’t even carry his own council district (they didn’t even vote for him)… and then for orchestrating dirty politics campaign while giving Dixon negative publicity trying to have me crucified by his gay “friends” for a tongue-in-cheek article that appeared in this space in July, all of which failed.

His latest failure was to try and have me removed from the council or at least stripped of my position as vice mayor. The city attorney’s office and the first amendment coalition set him straight about what he and the council could and couldn’t do and told him to peruse this stupid high schoolish thing could cost the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars… so he had to eat it once more.

As a last ditch effort to save some face this LGBT supporting twosome (Minnema and Pederson) demanded and arranged for a statement to be read at the city council meeting last Tuesday which read: (out of context)“ we don’t agree with what you wrote”…Oh no, woe is me. Boy what a burn! To which I replied (after recusing myself from the stupid vote) “I didn’t ask for your agreement (and certainly didn’t need it)… what do you want now? You want to act as an editorial board and pre read all of my future columns? How about the other 740 I’ve written for the past 14 years and the over 1,000,000 (that’s over one million) words there? Are we going to go over all of those too; and (letters to my sister)? I’m sure you can find something offensive in a lot of them… This met with deadly silence too; WTH folks? Soo… the Dixon censorship, book burning board fizzled before even caught fire…

But at least two of your councilmembers tried to decide what you can and can’t read; gotta give them credit for that huh? The Gaystopo is alive and well in Dixon with two of your elected officials carrying their banner… go figure.

Give it up Devon. Yes, I/we supported John Vasquez, your opponent, for the supervisor race because has proven to be an effective, trustworthy, efficient leader for the people of Dixon and Solano county; and you; not.

As many of you may be aware, and some might not be, we have two of your elected city councilmen, who until a couple of weeks ago were self-proclaimed conservative, Christian, Republicans. At the fist LCH (let’s crucify Hickman) meeting back in late July councilmembers, Devon Minnema and Scott Pederson folded like a deck of cards and switched sides to become ardent supporters of the LGBT program with the backing of a union troll and a nasty, vengeful woman who doesn’t even live in Solano County. She is trying to control our local government here through a trumped up web site which she controls, censors, refuses to allow submissions, and uses it as a personal tool against anyone one (or thing) not to her liking…and a few people still read this garbage and think it really is an open site discussing objectively concerns of this city….. She doesn’t even live anywhere near here or even near Solano County, but keeps meddling in our city’s business like she really knows what’s best for us; … She’s an enemy of mine too because I voted against her appointment to the planning commission because I knew her true colors and intent… which became apparent shortly after taking her seat.

At last Tuesday’s meeting Pederson talked out of both sides of his mouth (again) using “Christianity” as his crutch and inviting everyone to “his” community/(his  house too I guess) where they will always be welcome… That was really big of him. He joined the LGBT anti- Hickman bandwagon (actually Minnema was the one who orchestrated the whole thing) and they have proclaimed their love and open support for the LGBT community…  They tried to orchestrate (they meaning Minnema and his follower Pederson) a move to get me removed as vice mayor so Minnema could take over the spot (like that would ever happen).

They again folded like a deck of cards and traded in their Republican, Christian values to proclaim their support and recognition of the LGBT lifestyle. Minnema answered a lot of questions when he came out at the first meeting to greet a fairly large crowd wearing his LGBT tie (see photo) and waving his LGBT flag for all of the assembeled media and world to see. The big media turn out was there to witness my cruicification but I woulnd’t play so all they had was the event promoter, Devon, to interview.At the next council meeting with a small audience he wore no colors. But he and Pederson both attended a local Gay pride picnic he promoted he wore his colors again . These are facts.

I’ve said nothing until this article…and now that I am really pissed for one of the things this group did to us; now it’s Katie bar the door,

The two city councilmen now have many people wondering about them…. Asking me about them. Their personal lives are their own and I don’t care what they do with whom or how… and I’ m tired of being asked” and lately I have been nastily replying, “If you want to know ask them. They came out in public supporting the LGBT, not me”…  I feel about them just like I feel about the rest of the LGBT community…they have their life styles and I/we have ours; “family values”. As long as theirs isn’t flaunted in my face I could care less about their cause, problems course or destination… It was live and let live.

I Hope the funding from the LGBT groups for his (Scott’s) re-election campaign, for his run to get re-elected to the city council, proves to be worth it. He and my opponent are their people, obviously, not me… And, again, I could care less what they put where or with whom…

My job as a councilman is to ignore this silly stuff and attend to city business… and to do the best I can for the city; and I can work with them (Minnema-Pederson), or around them. They have to continue to support the great programs I/we now have going for public safety and infrastructure up grades… because it’s the right thing to do they have no choice.

They are powerless and have shown their true colors…as have I. The only difference is I won’t digress. They have to explain themselves to the voters; I don’t, the voters understand me; always have! But you two and the council are right. The voters of Dixon will decide my fate, not your imported group of whatevers from all over.

Is this article going to bring another round of threats and attempts of intimidation? Who cares? What can they say they haven’t said, what can they try to do they haven’t done. Bring it. Just be careful because I am no longer in the defensive mode.

I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the First Northern Bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… over $100 it become public record.

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized love/hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only these goals in mind…My defeat, and them having an alternate lifestyle liberal sympathizer elected and seated on our city council… As if  apparent new LGBT converted current city councilmen isn’t enough… They want a majority of “their people” to rule our city like they promised would happen…So here I am a straight arrow BTW (my election email is straightarrowted@gmail.com)…you can take it from here and add your own choice comments. In plain English, here in little old Dixon, it’ become a battleground between me and my “family values” and the Gaystopo…It’s that thimple.

Seriously, I’m accusing the LGBT of trying to interfere with the internal workings of the City of Dixon and taking over and influencing elected positions for a start. I have sent a message to USSR President Vladimir Putin asking for him to intercede in our upcoming election on my behalf. I’m pretty sure he’ll take my side in this matter. How about it Vlad? I’m being accused of being a “little Trump in Dixon politics’ and for that I thank you all.

The funny side of all of this is: Not one word or ctritisim about anything I have done for the citizens and city of Dixon as an elected official, NOT ONE…It’s a long list which will become apparent in the coming weeks and all of it factual…So there!

 

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August 24th 2018
Elk herd At Grizzly Island, Linda scores!

Posted under Elk Hunting Linda 8-17-18 & Hunting/Fishing Articles & That's Life Columns

Last week I ran a photo of part of an Elk herd

At Grizzly Island with …More to come. Remember?

Here’s the story: My first wife Linda and our sons have put in for the Grizzly Island special controlled “Elk Hunt” for over 16 years. Linda had 16 “points for the drawing” as did I. Wouldn’t you know it, Linda, the one not really motivated killer in our family, gets drawn for this special hunt.

Grizzly Island Wildlife Area is a state refuge of 8,600 acres of the Suisun Marsh surrounded by like 155 duck clubs. The native species of Tule Elk now roam freely after making a tremendous come back from 2 to 20 animals in 1860 to between 300 and 400 today… Those numbers, two to 20 animals, was down from the estimated 500,000 Tule Elk  that roamed this (and our) area along with Grizzly bears, and big numbers of Antelope and deer in the early 1800’s until market hunters decimated their numbers to feed the gold rush hungry 49ers.

The comeback was started in 1914 with 22 herds dispersed throughout the state… by 1971 there were over 500 animals in three major herds… the state’s programs have been so successful they now have to cull the herds to keep the populations healthy and from outgrowing their environment and possibly becoming a public nescience… and possible danger or going off the refuge and damaging surrounding private property and ranches. This year they issued 87 tags which included, mature bulls, spikes and antlerless (cows). Thousands apply each year for the strictly controlled numbers available in the computer drawings.

Elk go where they want and unlike cattle fences, roads, rivers, nothing stops or bothers them… and an aggressive bull or cow can be dangerous to the public, and to motorists if they get on to roads… so each year they take a few animals to keep the breeding population somewhat in check and have a full time biologist to monitor the herd, their numbers and general health…So…  It’s Linda that gets drawn, (naturally) for one of the few cow tags and last Thursday, for the 28th year of this special hunt, we get there before sunrise and try to find a herd… it’s a BIG place.

We, meaning Linda, our back up son, Shane Nichols, (see photo) and me. Only one person other than the hunter with the tag can be in the field to assist the hunter. I know my limitations and since the stroke a year ago and lot of my get up and go has got up and gone… so we got a healthy, in shape local USAF serviceman with which Linda was comfortable to go out into the field with her while I sat in the parking lot glassing the area. As it worked out the arduous hunt would probably have been a little much for me physically because I don’t know when to quit or rest and they had quite a physical time getting into and out of positions.

You can only park in designated areas and can only start your hunt from one of those areas so it doesn’t matter where you see the critters it’s basically spot and stalk in flat sometimes marshy land with little cover. The only way to hunt them we finally figured is to find a small herd, see their direction of travel and try to get ahead of them and wait for an opportunity. The first few hours of this approach didn’t work for one reason or the other. The bigger herds have many eyes and these are wild animals so it’s not a cake walk. A little later we found a smaller bunch and Linda and Shane made their way through dried ground, marsh, weeds, tulles and stuff and set up once more. They had a huge 7 point bull in rut pass within 40 yards of them bugling with steam shooting out of his nostril.

He paid no attention to them because he was herding his harem away from other bulls in the area. If you’ve never heard a bull bugle you really don’t know what chills up and down your spine can be. Early in the morning from a distance it sounds like a banshee wailing and can be heard for miles. Up close it is an experience you’ll never, never forget.

With this group were several mature cows, the kind they wanted harvested. When they finally got an opening (the herds are fluid and constantly move unless bedded down) and a clear shot was available Linda placed one of the new copper 180 grain (lead is illegal) 30:06 round just above the shoulder and dropped the huge 400 pound (see photo of huge heart) animal in its tracks. We had her practice at 100 and 150 yards with a big game rife she had never shot before. With a yardage meter Shane knew the distance to be within her accurate range at 170 yards. It was the first and probably last big game animal she had ever harvested. She has carried a rifle and shotgun for years and is a good shot, but only grudgingly has taken a few pheasants and dove. She has always enjoyed the outdoors experiences and hunting and fishing trips but just doesn’t have or want that killer instinct that her husband and sons have. She shot this elk because it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and shed a tear at the animal’s demise and will now hang up her big game rifle…

A heart the size of a bowling ball..

…But wait; she has also been drawn for a special either  sex shotgun slug only deer hunt at Grey Lodge Wildlife Area next month…which is even a tougher hunt with almost a primitive weapon….Then she can retire. How she alone got drawn and the rest of us didn’t is still somewhat of a mystery but what away to start and end your big game hunting career huh? She put a year’s worth of meat in the freezer for a couple of families, what a turnabout?

At one point we saw five mature bulls in one field and 11 spikes with another herd  on Grizzly. The herd is healthy because of great herd management and keeping the numbers in check. When the season ends in September it’s a great drive for you and your family to take. Less than an hour door to door from Dixon.

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