August 10th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #740 (8-10-18)* By Ted Hickman …

Posted under That's Life Columns

*

For the first time ever I Just opened an election account. Its at the First Northern Bank, Dixon called: “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” Acct # 01083764   (catchy huh?)

I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized love/hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only one goal in mind…My defeat, and them having an alternate lifestyle liberal sympathizer elected and seated on our city council… As if  apparent new LGBT converted current city councilmen isn’t enoughThey want a majority of “their people” to rule our city like  they promised would happen… *So here I am a straight arrow BTW (*my election email is straightarrowted@gmail.com)…you can take it from here and add your own choice comments. In plain English, here in little old Dixon, it’ become a battleground between me and the Gaystopo…Its that thimple.

They wanted (demanded is more like it) me to quit, resign now, roll over, and not run again…With all of their threats and organized terror tactics still happening it only strengthened my resolve to run again, on my outstanding record, and show these people exactly here the true heart and soul of this community lies. If their organized, well liberal financed campaign wins out in the end, so be it, but all of those of you who know me, know I won’t go down without a fight…A fight based on “Family Values” and the fact of what I’ve helped do for this city, not promises and pipe dreams and promises for their future

Deer Hunting Question…

Ted: Looking forward to hunting season… but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck in California, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim the buck wasn’t really a buck?

I mean … maybe he’d always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside I felt he’d always known he was truly a female. I’m just wondering if I can get the game warden to buy that story because a small part of society and the Supreme Court does.

BTW: I’ve seen a doe with antlers mounted in an Eagleville bar… for what it’s worth.

Elk at Grizzly Island?

 

There sure are! I took this photo of a small herd last week with my cell phone. Grizzly Island is a huge DFG  refuge in Suisun and there is a Tule Elk herd now living there, spread far and wide that numbers about 400. It’s really something to see. More on this later.

 

 

 

Tour de France, what a crazy thing!

If you look in the dictionary under insane you will see a picture of French people, obviously with limited mental capacity trying to run up a mountain, waving a flag in front of a bike rider huffing and puffing to get through the smoke cloud from a flare set off by another Mensa French person.

The “sports fans” wearing everything from speedos (all older men and not a pretty picture) to cartoon character costumes rooting for their favorite bike rider. The French really are nutsy about this sport and will go to great extremes to get to choice spots to watch their favorite wiz by in a matter of a few seconds. The reason for the fevered fans base according to sports folks is that it the only major sport (yes its big bucks and it is a major thing in all of Europe) is that it is the only sport where fans can get within touching distance of their heroes and fans do touch, slap, and push them one even got his camera strap caught on the handlebars of one of his heroes, wreck the poor schmuck and broke his back just last week.

When the tour came to Northern California a few years back we wanted to see what all of the excitement was about so we researched their route and found out it would be going on the back roads between Davis and winters on the way around Lake Berryessa. So we went out just beyond Stevenson’s Bridge and set up on the curve they would have to negotiate to get on the Putah Creek Road and waited for the “exciting” event to occur. They didn’t have any time when they would be by and I wanted to take pictures for the paper so we go there like an hour early. So we waited and waited and finally saw and heard a helicopter which is a sign they are coming. I got the camera ready and doubled checked the setting so I wouldn’t miss getting the pic I wanted… Then all of a sudden we see a bike, then a blurry sea of bikes, like 175 of them wiz by in no more than15 to 20 seconds… and that was it. Like my old Friend Mel Topance used to say…”And I shaved my legs for this?” Hardly worth it, although they do wiz by at breakneck speeds.

  

Newish from the email box (thank you!)!

  1. Do not argue with idiots. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience… One thing recent history has taught me.
    2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    3.
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
    6.
    War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    10.. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    11..
    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    12.. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    13.. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part
    that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.
    14..
    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    15.. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    16..
    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    17.. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
    18.. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    19.. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    20..
    There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    21.. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

22.. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
23.. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
24.. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
25.
I prayed to God for a new bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Signs:

*A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:

   We will heel you

    We will save your sole

     We will even dye for you.

 *a sign on a blinds and curtain truck: “Blind man driving.”

 *Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:  “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 *In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

 *On a Septic Tank Truck :Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

 *At an Optometrist’s Office : “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

 *On a Plumber’s truck “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck : “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 *At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :  “Invite us to your next blowout.”

 *On an Electrician’s truck :”Let us remove your shorts”

 *In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

 *On a Maternity Room door : “Push. Push. Push.”

 *At a Car Dealership : “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

 *Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming”

 *In a Veterinarian’s waiting room : “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

 *At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

         However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

 *In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

 *In the front yard of a Funeral Home : “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

 *At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”

 *In a Chicago Radiator Sho“Best place in town to take a leak.”

 And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

 

 

The Independent Voice. Really!  All other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who won’t acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher by subscribing and supporting its advertisers by telling them you saw their ad here.

 

 

 

 

 

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August 3rd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #739 (8-3-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 737 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

This is a sneak peek at my new book cover. The book is titled; “How to start a national movement without even trying(subtitled: “LBGTQ VS Family Values” the boomerang effect.)

For the first time ever I Just opened an election account at the First Northern Bank, Dixon called: “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” Acct # 01083764  I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620

 

Our anniversary; birthdays, Etc…

In the photo above…Linda and Ted Hickman, Aug 1, 1964, Wright Patterson Air Force Base, Dayton, Ohio… We haven’t changed a bit; except, Linda’s gotten more beautiful and I’ve grown into my ears. August 1st is also our eldest son, Trey’s 42 birthday. We had him on our anniversary so I didn’t have too many dates to remember… and as a premature baby back then I’ve never forgotten how we came close to losing him at birth!

In the photos above…Linda’s and her on her mom’s 94th birthday which was July 25, Trey’s 42nd is Aug 1st and his daughter Shannon will be 14 on August 7th. The photo of him and his daughter is for those who haven’t seen him in a while, since he’s been helping out our friends and working in Oklahoma all summer. He’s kind of laid up right now  back there just coming off an ugly surgery to repair a badly torn Achilles tendon he popped stepping in an armadillo hole getting off a tractor. If you have his email or phone send him a text or email… he’s still cutting and bailing those huge round bales of hay with his foot in a cast and his rifle nearby to thwart any threat from more wild pigs that are tearing up the ranch.

 

 

Stop! Caution: Read no further if you are satirically, irony, or otherwise impaired. Back handed jibes, questionable humor and tongue-in-cheek are SOP. This weekly column is considered toxic by a few with a limited mental capacity to think outside their own narrow background, education, peer group and hang-ups. If you fall into any of these categories or are hooked on any one-sided social media site, too young, to old, to immature, or possibly a Demoncrat or Libertards: stop now.

 

 

Instead: Read something that brings you comfort, assume a fetal position, suck your thumb (or whatever) and find your inner peace…because this weekly space will never produce what you need…Like ever… some say its “toxic”. Sometimes, I don’t think so, but maybe. So what the hell are you doing reading this if it offends you so greatly? I know; it’s like a traffic accident, you don’t want to look at the carnage but you can’t help yourself. So if that’s the case, its ok, you can be a closet reader. You don’t have to tell anyone you read any of this stuff… Just don’t read and then bitch about it… or do, I really don’t care, bitching is apparently good for your soul…and you gotta do what you do best.

What did you do last Saturday, anything productive?

When you have a full time job as part of the U.S. military, are married and have two small children spare time is severely limited. So when a USAF neighbor found he had an early Saturday morning open were on the water well before sunrise to fish for “largemouth” black bass. We had forgotten the benefits of the pre sunlight presentation of different lures. To make long story shorter… we caught and released more than four limits (limit is 5 each of 12+ inches) in the one and one-half to three + pound category, plus lost a couple of BIG ones (see photo above … does my cell phone with its portrait lens take great photos or what? I rarely use the 35mm anymore). We started with buzz baits and surface lures in pre-light (what a kick), changing to shallow crank baits with some light and then went to spinners and plastic worms when the sun hit the water… and caught fish using every method and lure type we tried.  All of this done in the local sloughs about 15 miles south of here. And again, the wild black berries are at a premium about now. Almost all water ways and rural ditches have them growing. You can tell when they are at a premium…It smells just like cotton candy when you get close…Yum, blackberry, tarts, pies, cakes and over vanilla ice cream.. It doesn’t get much better than that!

Absolutely a great fishing day and we were home as close to noon as we have ever been. Fisher people know “we’ll be back around noon” is a worn out statement usually followed by “well, it must be noon somewhere” when you coming dragging in sometime before dinner.

Three hours later…My “papers” are in!

 It took about three more hours Tuesday to finish and submit all of my paper work to run for the first ever city council seat (hold on to my current position) in the newly formed District 2 this coming November.

Four years ago I was elected by the whole city to get stuff done. And  I’ve got stuff done!

 Now I’ve decided to run one more time to finish many things I helped start. The stack of paperwork required is ridiculous as you can see by the partial stack by my pen in the photo below. That’s our Dixon City Clerk, Leticia Miguel, in the photo above with me guiding me to sign the many required forms…

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only one goal in mind…My defeat and them having a liberal sympathizer seated on our city council…like two apparent newly converted half libs aren’t enough.

They wanted me to quit, resign now, roll over, and not run again…With all of their threats and organized terror tactics still happening it only strengthened my resolve to run again, on my outstanding record, and show these people exactly where the true heart and soul of this community lies. If their organized, well liberal financed campaign wins out in the end, so be it, but all of those of you who know me, know I won’t go down without a fight…A fight based on fact of what I’ve helped do for this city, not promises and pipe dreams of the future.

This is The Independent Voice. Really!  All other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who can’t control its content and refuse to acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher, Dave Scholl, by subscribing, advertising or at least supporting its advertisers telling them you saw their ad, offsetting those loonies trying to shut down his paper by intimidating its advertisers.

 

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July 27th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #738 (7-27-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: straightarrowted@gmail.com

for the 737 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Seriously…You may or may not be aware of things going on locally and an orchestrated campaign (by a spiteful non-resident to shut this paper down by threatening its advertisers and the publisher… and shut up this part of the country’s only remaining Independent Voice. Really!  All the other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who won’t acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher by subscribing (go to www. independentvoice.com to see how) and supporting its advertisers telling them you saw their ad.

 

No Canned Crap, eat healthy, live longer!

Justin case anyone was wondering what’s going on with our eternal quest for local foods… we’ll add black bass (see photo) and black berries (see photo of berries and homemade black berry pie) to this week’s menu. In the past few weeks I’ve shown you wild aspargrass, artichokes, local lemons, cherries, tomatoes, and peaches and apricots from Vacaville plus frog legs and crawdads all from within 10 miles of our house. Last week I caught a limit of black bass (yes, they are delicious, firm meat, not fishy tasting) and we picked a zillion wild blackberries that are free for the taking along just about any waterway or rural road. When we were done picking it looked like we had just finished voting in an Iranian election with our thumbs all blueish.

You can go out to Liberty Island or down highway 113 out of town to the Lindsey Slough crossing…  or continue on to Highway 12, turn right and go to  Suisun to Grizzly Island and fish from the bank for catfish, black bass, crappie, striped bass, sturgeon and even Salmon at the right time of the year FREE! All you need is a fishing license and you can put fresh food on your table.

Now I know not everyone one can (or will) go out and gather or catch or dispatch their own food… but the point is; you can, if you live in Northern California. From now through like October, and you should never buy a caned product of any sort.

Just about everything you can name is grown in our neck of the woods. Fresh fruits and veggies should dominate your family’s menu from now through Halloween.

Now is approaching the zenith of goodies, I mean cherries, berries, plums, apricots, at least 10 varieties of peaches, the great sweet corn … you name it (see photo). You can get it all here displayed and sold daily, fresh from the field and at a more than reasonable price as close as Dixon’s Pedrick  Produce (at Pedrick Rd, over the freeway, on the North side). PP now has fresh, sweet corn, at 7 ears for a dollar (see photo of Scott holding corn below)! The new owners said they want to be part of the community like the old ones were…That’s going to be a task… but it appears they are fitting in quite well…  You long time readers know I don’t endorse anything or anyone without vetting it/them first. I’ve never steered you wrong on restaurants, food, movies or businesses.  I’ve never had someone tell me what I’ve said wasn’t true… So my word is my bond … and I’m telling you the two brothers/owners Brad and Scott Clauson, who are growers themselves, are real farm to fork guys. Being growers themselves they meet and inspect each grower they do business with to check on their farming practices. Scott said they need to know how their products are grown and harvested to be delivered… farm fresh on a daily basis. He said, “We are truly a farm to fork operation offering dozens of varieties of fresh fruits and vegetables delivered to us daily, harvested and brought to us straight from the field”. They skip the middle man and deal directly with growers they know and almost all of their products were just in the fields a short time before being displayed for sale at their market.

In addition to the huge variety of fresh fruits and veggies the little store has many surprises lurking in every corner from peanut brittle to dried beans, fruits and nuts (like almonds, walnuts, peanuts, pecans pistachios) to premimum olives and oil, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, Salamis, salsas and their new line of fresh baked Tamales fixed mexican style.One of the big surprises is their collection of hot sauces from mild all the way to “hell no burn the tastebuds out of your mouth”. Go there and tell them you read about them in the IV… and if you think I was wrong about this place let me know.

If there is a produce they don’t have I’m sure if you ask they can get it for you… Their products are always fresh and as much from the local area and varied as they can get. As most of you know I am not a big supporter of the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) but these folks do know good fruits and veggies and many of them come to Pedrick to get their veggie fix on…. Along with many highway travelers and especially the weekend Nevada bounds families…to stock up on healthy goodies.

Quit killing our seniors, us, yourself!

 

 

We’ve had four deaths, in our immediate zip code, three of which were senior ladies, in like the last 10 days. One (a friend of ours) was T-Boned on Midway Rd. One rolled a car into oncoming traffic getting on the freeway entrance by Walmart and one was hit head on, one Highway113 near Hay road and the dump. Another person was also killed in that one. All in the daylight, all in clear weather (see the photo above I took about a year ago when a young man lost his life) while reportedly not safely stopping at the intersection of Midway Rd and Highway 113. We happened upon the scene before the dust had even settled.

What the hell is going on folks? According to the CHP at the scene of the fatality pictured above, a lot of people new to this area aren’t used to rural roads, big rigs and simply don’t know how to drive safely. They said this intersection is a good example of people not stopping or stopping and then looking one way and then the other and driving ahead without looking back a second time. They emphasized people not used to rural roads don’t realize how fast the big trucks are going 55-65-MPH and misjudge the speed and distance, the fact they can’t stop on a dime;  and POW! The next thing you know they are notifying the next of kin. The point is the rigs are big multi-ton monsters and their speed is deceiving and they can be on you before you know it. In the photo above the big rig driver was found to be not at fault and the young man that died at the scene will not get a second chance to make the same mistake again.

Our friend Mary Ann who was killed a few days ago at the intersection of Midway and Batavia Roads was right, dead right as it turned out. She was driving along safely when a young woman reportedly ran a stop sign, T-boned her car and killed her. So, you too can be right. You can be on your phone, distracted by something or the other and you too can be right, dead right. The moral of this story, especially if you are new to the area is: Turn off your phone, turn off the radio, don’t eat, drink, or turn to yell at the kids…Drive safely, defensively, and give your full attention to the multi ton lethal weapon you are steering and avoid the kill or be killed scenario happening all too often right here in our immediate area.

Tomato trucks now  are rolling along with a zillion garbage trucks,  with  the nut and sunflower harvests are just around the corner… meaning more big rigs hauling crops will be scurrying to and from to the  local fields to the canneries and processers… What’s this got to do with you staying alive?  Do what we do and what we taught our sons to do. Be aware, stay awake, assume on every rural road where there is a four way stop that any oncoming traffic WILL run the stop sign and be prepared for it; if they don’t you’re good. If they do you and yours stay alive to drive another day.

 

More things for thought!

 

Caution: Don’t read any further if you are not a mature, sensible person who doesn’t have thin skin… otherwise keep reading, and don’t bitch!

*I suppose if there’s a bright side to going bald… it’s that no one notices all the gray in your hair.

*Apophasis is a condition where one brings up a subject and yet says they don’t want to talk about it… my wife does this continually, but I don’t want to talk about it.

*Humans share nearly 50% of their DNA with bananas which is why you should never exhort anyone to shove two bananas together… there’s a risk you could form a human.

*All women are after only one thing…  flattering pants with usable pockets.

*No! “Leave it to beaver” is not some 1970’s porn flick!

*I finally realized the extent of my hearing difficulties when I was corrected for saying “don’t wet your panties at lunch”… to the more correct and understood “don’t get your panties in a bunch”. 

*Yes, pigs are very cute… unfortunately they are also freakin’ delicious!  

*Fat weighs less than muscle… so in theory I should be getting lighter.

*Behold the cat!  After 1000’s of year’s evolution have produced the perfect hunter, a combination of stealth, power, and aggression… and then some schmuck stuck a bell on its collar!

*Grandmothers appear to be obsessed with their grandchildren’s weight and say things like “you need more meat on those bones”… this suggests that every grandmother at some time thinks of cannibalizing their progeny.

*Damn!  I sprained my wrist again… furiously writing a check, tearing it angrily from my checkbook and saying “I trust this will suffice!”

*My girlfriend is a porn star… she’ll kill me if she finds out! 

*You know you’re married when your hands accidentally touch in the popcorn bucket at the movies… and you instinctively growl at each other loud enough they stop the film thinking there might be wolves in the theatre.

*When mick Jagger dies will the rolling stone gather no mas?

*My father, a WWII vet, would gather us around and tell stories about surviving the war…..with no such history to relate I gather the kids and watch YouTube videos of an Asian kid playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

*The checker at the store yelled at me this afternoon… “Don’t insult me by looking in my eyes.  This bra costs me $65!”

*Of the nine planets earth would be the brightest as the sunlight would reflect off all the planets water…hopefully you weren’t naive enough to believe it would be the earthlings IQ.

*The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper……wow!  Perhaps the constitution was written on rolling papers.

*My friend held up two kayak paddles and asked me which one I wanted… I said I’d take either/oar.

.*I was driving my kid somewhere and asked him to get the map out of the glovebox… his smartass response was “easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just google it!”

*I won’t kill you softly with my song… but I’ll probably annoy the crap out of you with my yodeling!

*What do infancy and an alcoholic blackout have in common…you scream and drool, poop yourself occasionally, and don’t remember any of it.

*Anesthesiologist prior to surgery “do you have any questions?”… “Should ketchup be kept in the fridge?”

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July 21st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #737 (7-20-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 736 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

Just in case you go looking for me I ran into an old hunting buddy and found out he is a real estate broker and a veteran too, and I now have my real estate license with him: Virgil Cabrera, … of Cabrera Realty

Way cool…

Photo by Ted Hickman

Herman and Lucy Gnos of Dixon have a talented daughter, Colleen, who painted this great portrait of her Dad and his lab. It was so good in fact they had it mounted and it’s on public display along I.S. 80, eastbound between Midway Road and The West A Street exit.  She said this public art was done to “celebrate agriculture… because they are the entitled stewards of the soil.” (see story and photo on Page one in Today’s paper and on www.tedhickman.com on Friday.

Movies in the park; Friday nights, downtown at dusk!

 Photo by Ted Hickman

 While working at the NRA dinner last Friday we stepped outside for a minute and saw the “Movies in the Park going on across the street from the old Vet’s Hall downtown. Way cool. At dusk, on Fridays, in the library park downtown they show free movies outdoors for families to gather and watch. If you’ve never been, see what’s coming up on the city’s website, pack up the kid and go. Two upcoming are: “The Little Mermaid” (July 28th City of Dixon sponsored) and the final season’s film “Moana” (August 4th with sponsorship by the Dixon Rotary Club).

 

The #1 question about last week’s column…

 

                                                                                         Photo by Ted Hickman

… You’d never guess it with everything going on, but the number one question about last week’s column was…#1 “Just how big are the crawdads you guy are getting?” See the battle going on in front of Linda’s shirt?  #2 Do they bite?  No,  #3Do they pinch? Oh heck yes and it hurts like hell. Do they taste good? Another heck yes. In butter they taste like lobster (they kind of are fresh water lobsters) and in shrimp sauce they taste like sweet shrimp!

More Things for Thought!

Caution: Do not read from here on if you are sensitive, humorless, or subject to irrational delusuions of piety.

  • A casino in Las Vegas asked a breastfeeding mother to leave… Hell, everyone knows the boobs in Vegas are only for the conventioneers!
  • Everyone knows a relationship isn’t just about a physical or emotional connection between two people… it’s about getting yelled at for something you don’t do.
  • Mi in F ger… typing an inquiry to webmd after a July 4 fireworks mishap.
  • Porn sites on the internet, such as Pornhub, are reporting viewership is way down during the World Cup… which makes sense since soccer fans cannot use their hands.
  • I’ve been hearing disturbing voices virtually non-stop lately… my psychotherapist tells me those are called “children”.
  • Joey Chestnut broke his own record at the Nathan’s hotdog Eating Contest consuming 74 hotdogs in 10 minutes… that kind of ability to consume weiners can only be described as Kardashian-esque.
  • A study claims consuming 7 cups of coffee a day decreases your chances of dying by 16%… which makes sense since active-shooters don’t usually check the restrooms.
  • In Australia a video shows a woman being bitten while feeding a shark.  Thankfully she is fine but hopefully we all learned something from this… sharks do not need help being fed.
  • Call me crazy but I believe our ancestors were better at intimacy than we are… probably because they had to constantly check each other for parasites.
  • In Thailand they’re having trouble getting 12 boys out of a flooded cave, but if they would have simply thrown in a soccer ball and tell them to play like the US World Cup team… they would  have  been out in no time.
  • My wife handed me a paring knife to slice some peaches… apparently, we don’t have a peaching knife.
  • Alfred Southwick, a New York dentist, invented the first electric chair for executions… and of course, the first one had a small sink attached so you could rinse.
  • When painting your house from up on a ladder… never take a step back to admire your work.
  • It’s only the fourth day of summer break and the kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast… let’s see what next week will bring other than child services.
  • There was a video of a seal that jumped into the back of a boat to avoid a killer whale that went viral… they were trying to orca-strate a meal but didn’t seal the deal.
  • I’ve spent the last two years looking for my brother-in-law’s killer… but no one will do it.
  • In hospitals a code white means a “violent person”, a code blue designates a “cardio-respiratory arrest, and a code “Blue on Blue”… well, that means Bobby Vinton is in the hospital.
  • We’re not together anymore, she broke my heart. Now she’s got a new boyfriend and I heard a rumor he’s physically abusive which just makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat… and then blame him.
  • It’s been shown that pizza delivery often shows up faster than medical responders…it may be wise to order your large combination and a defibrillator.
  • I have been told I snore quite lustily most nights not unlike a male walrus hauling his fat ass up on a crowded beach in search of room to stretch out… and romance.
  • My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man… so I can get a better girlfriend.
  • Whenever I meet a really pretty girl the first thing I look for is intelligence ‘cuz, well, if she doesn’t have that… I’ve got a pretty good chance!
  • A historian tells us that in 1665 physicians used to tell patients to fart in jars and then sniff the gas to ward off the bubonic plague… I got a Lazy-Boy cushion that could cure a small town!
  • We were in a cab in San Francisco and a small sign said “please don’t smoke: Christ is our unseen guest.”… If he could overcome the crucifixion I don’t think a Marlboro Light is gonna bother him much!
  • When I turned eight years old I was given an empty box for my birthday…. my parents proceeded to tell me it was the new Invisible Man action figure.

 

FIFA World Cup Lessons

As many of you know I ref’ed a few soccer games at most all levels (like 3,000+) and in soccer games I’ve pretty much seen, heard and said it all. Also being an instructor  I wasn’t happy In the world cup that just concluded. What was wrong: The USA didn’t even qualify, Mexico, Argentina, and Portugal all got bounced too soon. The refing was good but the dives, “embellishment” fouls, crying, whining, face making, hand gestures, I didn’t foul, and I was fouled, certainly were not examples for young players to follow… but if they want to make the pros now is the time to start working on your try and con the ref crap.

Never put the ball in play where the ref spots it. Always go just a little over the line on all goal kicks, free kick and corner kicks (like that cheating will make a difference). So to that end I’m announcing…

…Hickman’s Future Pro Soccer Camp Coming!

 

The course will have Diving 1a; protesting a call against you; protesting a call not made for you; protesting  possession call; protesting giving a card; protesting not giving a card; faking injury (different than diving): How to celebrate after a goal, how to expose yourself; How to call the ref names and question his parentage in 28 different languages; how to point your way throw in on each ball over the line, how to always protest either a goal or comer kick, and how to throw a tantrum when called offside;  How to protest every time you’re touched by another player; how to touch (with authority) another player and then protest you didn’t do anything. How to look surprised and act like an angle after you about broke another player’s leg… The advanced course will upgrade all of the above to movie and television acting levels!

 

 

#

 

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July 14th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #736 (7-13-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

 

*By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email:  For the 734 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

*One has to have the courage of their convictions or their words mean nothing

 

NRA Dixon Dinner is tonight, Friday the 13th

Sorry,Had to change my column this week!

I told my first wife, Linda, after watching the super bowl half time show, “If Intel ever puts on a drone show anywhere in the area we’ve got to go see it…and you know what? On July 5th, rescheduled from July 4th because of the winds,  Intel indeed put on a show for all of our service people for the 75th anniversary of Travis Air Force base…and we went. It was only about a 10 minute show and took about an hour to get going but it was worth it! What we saw were about 500 drones put on what will surely be the fireworks shows of the future. The quality of the pictures isn’t that great because I took them with my cell phone, but you can still get the idea.

The photos ABOVE are as follows: #1the drones appeared. #2 a fireworks like burst, #3 The Golden Gate Bridge, #4 a salute to the 75 years in California, #5 “No Bounds” the Travis AFB 75th’s motto (it opened in Fairfield-Suisun as an Army air field in 1943, a really good year!), # 6 The  base’s  KC-10 and C-17 . #7 the California Bear logo, # 8 the American flag which drew a huge cheer from all of those watching and # 9 another fireworks simulation. How cool is all of this?

How did you spend the 4th?

            Our retired USAF neighbor and his son invited about a dozen people on the fourth for their amazing “Southern Crawfish boil”. We trapped the crawdads, they and their guests added, giant shrimp, potatoes, corn on the cob, sausage, seasonings and other stuff and when it was ready poured it on the table and everyone ate until they could eat no more. The photos show the crawdads we trapped live before and cooked afterwards. Heck of a way to finish up the fourth coupled with a brew or two. Trapping the crawdads just goes along with the wild asparagus, magnum lemons, wild artichokes and now blackberries, black bass and stripers we’ve harvested…that I’ve written about in the last month or so… Right around the corner comes deer season, duck, dove, pheasant and goose seasons… none of which you can buy, but all of which can be harvested right in our area… so you go ahead and buy your store bought, processed meats and stuff and we’ll stick to fish and game and veggies we harvest ourselves and have meals you can’t buy… and it doesn’t get any better or fresher than the crawdad boil… and BTW the corn was the best I’ve ever eaten…All coming from within about 10 miles of town.

 

Never quit learning or trying new things

Almost weekly I urge readers to get off the couch, put the damned phone down and get OUT and do stuff… and make the kids go with you. Many of you know I’ve jumped out of an airplane (skydived), walked on the bottom of the ocean, been in the jungles of South America, hunted caribou in the sub artic, and been through the Panama Canal. Scuba dived in Tahiti, hunted (bow and gun) and fished throughout North America, Mexico and Canada… But one thing I had never done (or ever thought of doing) was to ride and electric scooter, until this past week. # 1 those things really move and #2 kind defeats the purpose of not having to scoot doesn’t it? But they’re fun but I can see where they can be dangerous.

 

More Things for Thought!

*According to new research spiders use global electrical fields to fly hundreds of miles… perhaps one day they may even possess the technology to defeat a rolled-up magazine.

*”Correct me if I’m wrong”… probably the number one thing married men never have to say to their wives.

*”If they could see me now…” I hum loudly as I’m handed a rusty trash can lid attached by a chain to the door key for what is sure to be a filthy gas station restroom……”around back.”

*”God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”… which explains why I’ve never been in a threesome.

*As I age I have determined that I have lived a life much like an oatmeal-raisin cookie… no one’s favorite, but perfectly respectable and not unwelcome.

*All the neighbors who survived their firework accidents are out in the street…high-fouring each other.

*I just apologized to a chair after walking into it… let’s focus on my impeccable manners before judging my sobriety.

*Today, I intend to stand at my front gate and recite Bill Pullman’s speech from the Independence Day movie hopefully as awkwardly and woodenly as he did…but to add to the majesty I shall be holding a sparkler.

*I spend an unfortunate amount of time asking “what’s wrong with me?”… after almost every meal.

*The really amazing thing about July 4th is that people who normally one would barely trust to hold their umbrella have nearly unlimited access to unpredictable rockets, bombs, and fire.

*If you’re bored enter 42.3601 degrees north and 71.0589 degrees west into google earth… you can watch me sunbathe naked.

*My colb is making everything I say today sound really nasal… however; on the plus side my pronunciation of French words is nearly flawless.

*I think my imaginary girlfriend… has too many other imaginary boyfriends.

*I wonder if middle-aged white woman Elizabeth Warren’s Native American name is dances with wolves like no one is watching?

*My wife found a spider in the shower this morning… if you might be interested the open house is next Saturday.

*The “old man” of pawn stars fame has passed away and people from all over want to pay their last respects… but in keeping with the show they’re calling in experts to see what they’re worth.

*I just saw a commercial for a medication that relieves opiate induced constipation… now if they can come up with a pill to stop lying, stealing from family and prostitution opiates will be nearly devoid of side effects.

*I’m pretty sure ISIS has my dental hygienist on their short list.

*Beginning August 7, for $600 you can host your wedding at a taco bell including 15 guests… conveniently there is also a dollar store down the block where you may register.

*I could have been a monk… but I missed my chants. (moan)

*I got weighed at the doctor’s office this morning prior to my appointment and conveniently the nurse told me she deducted 3 pounds for my clothing… but she must have forgotten to deduct my 22 pound wallet.

*Turned the wife on last night… I used the c-pap hose to swing onto the bed like Tarzan.

*My mother-in-law invited us to come over because she had a “ham in the crockpot”… and if that isn’t the perfect euphemism for a fart, then what is?

*Kale is one of our most versatile health foods… it can literally fit into any trash can.

*I haven’t trusted politicians since our freshman class president failed miserably in his attempt to initiate “brownie Fridays”.

*I gave my girlfriend a gift of some expensive lingerie from Victoria’s secret and she said she really thot it was more a gift for me than her… if she wants to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

*The most romantic thing a woman has said to me before sex… “Its half now, and the rest when we’re dome.”

*I’m having some minor outpatient surgery soon and the anesthesiologists instructions say no food after 5:30am and only clear liquids until 9:30am… as I recall, isn’t vodka a clear liquid?

*I never understood why they were called ‘chicken tenders’… until I had one caress my cheek.

*Just read we should all replace “I’m sorry” with “thank-you” so instead of “I’m sorry I clogged your toilet” say “thank-you for allowing me to clog your toilet”….thus replacing negativity with positivity.  Wtf?

*In an article about strange laws on the books one cites that in Indonesia the penalty for masturbation is decapitation… so, technically, it does make you go blind.

 

Ted: here are some Bumper-Stickers Seen on Military Bases

… some military expressions that are reminders of the work

that is being done in our behalf!  

  • 101st Airborne Division- “When it comes to Combat, we care enough to send the very best”
  • “When in doubt, empty the magazine”
  • Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
  • “Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
  • “Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything”  
  • “U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club”
  • ” U.S Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”  
  • “The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
  • “Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
  • “What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil
  • “Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″
  • “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It
  • “Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
  • “It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It was Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”(Gen H. Norman Schwarzkopf )
  • Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just a Vulgar Brawl” 
  • “One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support “
  • “My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College and Protest”
  • “A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers
  • “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the US Marines don’t have that problem.

The American soldier does not fight because he hates who is in front of him;

he fights because he loves who is behind him.

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July 8th 2018
Mike Ceremello’s newspaper columnShotgun Diplomacy As an observer and commentator on human behavior, the week leading up to July 4th has been beyond entertaining. Was it not former US attorney general Eric Holder who proclaimed America was to afraid to have a discussion on race? Evidently Holder’s idea of a discussion was only to hear from people who agreed with his party’s viewpoints. I find a great similarity between this and the uproar of a handful of people over Terrible Ted’s last column advocating a Straight Pride American Month. Considering that I will be running for a council seat this November, I have been warned by many well wishing people to stay out of the fray. Like that will happen. When you have no principles, no strong beliefs, and simply are a politician, that is easy enough to do. In my case, I believe in the freedom to express ideas in print or any other format one would choose, no matter what position a person holds or what the idea is. The reason I can say this is because of my continual education. During my collegiate tour of duty in the field of Geology, I learned of how all the experts throughout history were wrong and yet how strongly they fought for their beliefs. This taught me to question everything. There are those of you who would have us question nothing if it challenges your positions. Another thing I have observed on a rather continual basis is the hypocrisy of the Left. How is it they preach tolerance but practice their own variety of hate speech. Actually it isn’t a variety at all … it is hate plain and simple. Again you don’t believe me? Then judge for yourself. “We’re everywhere. We know how to fight trash like you. We know how to ruin your life. And now we know you’re exactly the kind of scum that needs scrubbing out of the government altogether. May your every endeavor fail. May friends and relatives turn on you like they’ve never done before.” “You will be forgotten. And when you are finally gone and this world is a little cleaner for it, no one will mourn for your passing. I daresay we’ll celebrate it by tagging your gravestone with rainbows, or holding our marches wherever your ashes are spread. To hell with you, you illiterate, loudmouthed, spiteful, ignorant disgrace to humanity.” “Just wanted to write a note and say I think you’re an ignorant vile human being. Your homophobia makes me think you are a very small, ignorant, man or a closet homosexual. I hope your diverse constituents vote you out on your ass in the next election. You disgust me.” Those are just a few of the nicer emails received through city hall or directly to Ted. Funny but I don’t recall Ted saying he hated anyone but just that he wanted a parade for his own kind. Isn’t that what all parades are about, including the ones in which these haters choose to participate? Then we have the plainly ignorant whom I can attack from two directions. “Members of the City Council must faithfully represent ALL of their constituents, without favor or prejudice.” – Tim Goncharoff. Really? Tell me Tim how the election process works. Do Democrats represent Republican views once elected? Hell, even Republicans rarely represent the base once elected. Ever hear of John McCain, Susan Collins, Jeff Flake, or Olympia Snowe? When you are elected to local office do you actually believe those people represent those who didn’t vote for them? Look at this logically. If a highly contentious issue comes before the council and half the people are for it and half against, a council person can only represent half of his constituents’ views at best. As most people coming before the council in Dixon don’t declare their sexuality or homosexuality, Terrible Ted would not be acting prejudicially in making a decision. This brings up an interesting thought. It wasn’t long ago that I was in Cotati, home to typical Marin County liberal lunacy, where a racist, liberal professor had died and the council was considering a replacement for his position. One candidate got up and declared that “she was a lesbian and her partner was there to support her”. While she may have considered it a “qualification” or premium, the council did not. Did that make Cotati’s four council members judgemental, prejudicial, or showing some sort of favoritism? Let’s look at this from a different perspective, that of representing your constituents’ views specifically on a gay rights issue. In 2008 Dixon voted FOR Proposition 8 – recognizing only monogamous heterosexual marriage – by 60.9% v 39.1%. The same vote countywide was 89,292 Yes = 55.82% versus 70,680 No = 44.18%. The Supreme Court nullified this vote of the People by claiming it violated homosexuals’ civil rights. The real result was altering of the Miriam Webster definition of the word marriage. Sort of like it depends what your definition of “is” is. Going on to the next point, it is being claimed that Ted “represents” the city as an elected councilman and its vice mayor. Considering Dixon’s political reputation of being anything but staid and people claiming there must be something in our water, Ted fits into the mold. I would contend that he no more represents the city than he represents every diverse view of our rather independent population. I could say the same thing about our mayor and the other three councilmen or any of their predecessors. More to a factual point, when has Ted or any of the council ever broached the subject of homosexuality during a council meeting. What Ted does or says in his other role as a literary humorist is no reflection on the city or council despite his mentioning the title of his office in obvious referral to how a month gets named for a special cause. Another point is humor. The thought and speech police have no problem in attempting to silence Theodore. I hear no outrage focused on Michelle Wolf, the comedienne not comedian, who relies on “shock” to get her laughs at the expense of people she and her ilk hate. Samantha Bee is another. It seems that conservative bashing has found its way to the suburbs or in Dixon’s case, the rural countryside. Yet not all is negative. While the LGBT(Q) will castigate Ted’s supporters as “deplorables”, ignorant, or homophobic, these same people aren’t threatening violence on those who disagree with their views as is Equality California. It seems that a queer form of Anti-fa has arrived. So let’s look at the opposite view some would classify as “positive”. “God Bless Ted for speaking up about what the majority of this great country of ours believes. The fact that 3% of the country’s population can have such a dramatic affect on the rest of the population is disgusting.” “Just wanted to send an email of encouragement and thanks for speaking for conservatives (that I still believe are the majority) and conservative values. I loved the article. The double standard in this country is just ridiculous. I, by no means have anything against gay people, but the ramming it down everyone’s throats is out of control.” I truly wish people would be a little more cognizant of their words as they write. Perhaps it is just my personal flaw of seeing the obvious humor in careless banter. But then I digress. So now a little insight from Mike. First, this has been blown way out of proportion by the ne’er-do-well posters on Dixon 411 Political and two opposition councilmen on the current council. Perhaps they need a lesson in basic free speech. If you take governmental action as retribution or a repercussion to a person in an attempt to silence him, you have just violated his free speech right and the freedom of the press. The same goes for a censure action from the council. Second, Ted can’t be recalled as it is too close to his seat coming up for re-election if he so chooses. Learn the law, folks, before you start spouting off. Third, having read Ted’s column a couple of times, most of it is statement of facts except for the symbol of barring the gay parade. No where in his column did Ted say he didn’t want it to occur or didn’t mind if it did. If a writer’s description of a group’s antics discomforts you because your mind comes to the conclusion that the description is “denigrating”, aren’t you the one who is really in denial? I also found it fascinating how those who defend the parade want to claim it is about their struggles and the lives that were lost in gaining equality in some shape or form. How exactly does the leather brigade of two men in the parade with one whipping the other honor anything but sexual deviance? Ever see the pictures of naked people on ten speed bikes at these parades? Somehow the struggle got confused with hedonism. Fourth, along with the spewing of hate, we have the Gaystapo going after the livelihood of not only Ted but this newspaper itself. We have the emails attempting to induce advertisers to pull their ads. We have the emails threatening to destroy Ted financially. We have seen this kind of attempt before by the bad old boy group in town. For those of you advertisers who pull your ads, I intend to identify you and tell the real Americans who believe in the First Amendment to boycott your business. It is now a two way street. Fifth, I understand the three major networks were looking for interviews from Ted and hiding behind his truck looking to surprise him coming out of his house. Now that’s professionalism. You want an interview? I am available at 707-678-8575 or 1565 McCarthy Court. You can call ahead so I can put on my suit. I know the wonders of Channel 3 letting Rick Fuller know ahead of time they were coming and then just storming my front door to catch me in less than official gear. Isn’t that right, Rich Ibarra? Sixth, if you think Anti-fa has a lock on thug cowardice, you didn’t hear about the Safeway firework’s booth. Seems like three vans of outraged potential criminals arrived to confront Ted. On Sunday, they ran into the American Legion Riders. Upon seeing what they viewed as stern opposition, they drove to Safeway. When several of the men decided to see if they could answer any potential question this caravan might have about fireworks, the vans promptly left, tires squealing as the men approached. My conclusion to this whole mess? Sarcasm is a lost art. Humor is in the eye and mind of the beholder. You don’t get to dictate morals or immorality to others. Nothing has been gained by those spewing their hatred. In fact, much has been exposed about those people and the ones foolish enough to post on Facebook. Rather than dignity, the gay community condemned itself due to its blatant show of bigotry and venom. Just as much as some want to claim this is some “viral” response, I can only assume due to its low numbers that most of the LGBT community doesn’t give a damn what Ted wrote. Just as the cranks on the Left, in the media and certain vocal individuals, feel they speak for all on the Left, it must be somewhat disturbing that Trump’s popularity continues to rise including defections from within their own party, at least according to the latest Harris poll. Finally, don’t threaten one of Dixon’s own. Many of us don’t appreciate it. If you come for me holding a pipe, as I have now heard is Anti-fa’s MO, just remember. I might introduce you to a bat with your name on it …

Posted under 2018 NEWS Stories IV & Mike Ceremello's Viewpoint

Mike Ceremello’s newspaper column,

Shotgun Diplomacy?

 

As an observer and commentator on human behavior, the week leading up to July 4th has been beyond entertaining. Was it not former US attorney general Eric Holder who proclaimed America was to afraid to have a discussion on race? Evidently Holder’s idea of a discussion was only to hear from people who agreed with his party’s viewpoints. I find a great similarity between this and the uproar of a handful of people over Terrible Ted’s last column advocating a Straight Pride American Month.

Considering that I will be running for a council seat this November, I have been warned by many well wishing people to stay out of the fray. Like that will happen. When you have no principles, no strong beliefs, and simply are a politician, that is easy enough to do.

In my case, I believe in the freedom to express ideas in print or any other format one would choose, no matter what position a person holds or what the idea is. The reason I can say this is because of my continual education.

During my collegiate tour of duty in the field of Geology, I learned of how all the experts throughout history were wrong and yet how strongly they fought for their beliefs. This taught me to question everything. There are those of you who would have us question nothing if it challenges your positions. Another thing I have observed on a rather continual basis is the hypocrisy of the Left. How is it they preach tolerance but practice their own variety of hate speech.

Actually it isn’t a variety at all … it is hate plain and simple. Again you don’t believe me? Then judge for yourself. “We’re everywhere. We know how to fight trash like you. We know how to ruin your life. And now we know you’re exactly the kind of scum that needs scrubbing out of the government altogether. May your every endeavor fail. May friends and relatives turn on you like they’ve never done before.” “You will be forgotten. And when you are finally gone and this world is a little cleaner for it, no one will mourn for your passing. I daresay we’ll celebrate it by tagging your gravestone with rainbows, or holding our marches wherever your ashes are spread. To hell with you, you illiterate, loudmouthed, spiteful, ignorant disgrace to humanity.” “Just wanted to write a note and say I think you’re an ignorant vile human being. Your homophobia makes me think you are a very small, ignorant, man or a closet homosexual. I hope your diverse constituents vote you out on your ass in the next election. You disgust me.” Those are just a few of the nicer emails received through city hall or directly to Ted. Funny but I don’t recall Ted saying he hated anyone but just that he wanted a parade for his own kind.

Isn’t that what all parades are about, including the ones in which these haters choose to participate? Then we have the plainly ignorant whom I can attack from two directions. “Members of the City Council must faithfully represent ALL of their constituents, without favor or prejudice.” – Tim Goncharoff. Really?

Tell me Tim how the election process works. Do Democrats represent Republican views once elected? Hell, even Republicans rarely represent the base once elected. Ever hear of John McCain, Susan Collins, Jeff Flake, or Olympia Snowe? When you are elected to local office do you actually believe those people represent those who didn’t vote for them? Look at this logically.

If a highly contentious issue comes before the council and half the people are for it and half against, a council person can only represent half of his constituents’ views at best. As most people coming before the council in Dixon don’t declare their sexuality or homosexuality, terrible Ted would not be acting prejudicially in making a decision. This brings up an interesting thought. It wasn’t long ago that I was in Cotati, home to typical Marin County liberal lunacy, where a racist, liberal professor had died and the council was considering a replacement for his position. One candidate got up and declared that “she was a lesbian and her partner was there to support her”.

While she may have considered it a “qualification” or premium, the council did not. Did that make Cotati’s four council members judgemental, prejudicial, or showing some sort of favoritism? Let’s look at this from a different perspective, that of representing your constituents’ views specifically on a gay rights issue. In 2008 Dixon voted FOR Proposition 8 – recognizing only monogamous heterosexual marriage – by 60.9% v 39.1%. The same vote countywide was 89,292 Yes = 55.82% versus 70,680 No = 44.18%. The Supreme Court nullified this vote of the People by claiming it violated homosexuals’ civil rights.

The real result was altering of the Miriam Webster definition of the word marriage. Sort of like it depends what your definition of “is” is. Going on to the next point, it is being claimed that Ted “represents” the city as an elected councilman and its vice mayor. Considering Dixon’s political reputation of being anything but staid and people claiming there must be something in our water, Ted fits into the mold. I would contend that he no more represents the city than he represents every diverse view of our rather independent population. I could say the same thing about our mayor and the other three councilmen or any of their predecessors.

More to a factual point, when has Ted or any of the council ever broached the subject of homosexuality during a council meeting. What Ted does or says in his other role as a literary humorist is no reflection on the city or council despite his mentioning the title of his office in obvious referral to how a month gets named for a special cause. Another point is humor. The thought and speech police have no problem in attempting to silence Theodore. I hear no outrage focused on Michelle Wolf, the comedienne not comedian, who relies on “shock” to get her laughs at the expense of people she and her ilk hate. Samantha Bee is another. It seems that conservative bashing has found its way to the suburbs or in Dixon’s case, the rural countryside. Yet not all is negative. While the LGBT(Q) will castigate Ted’s supporters as “deplorables”, ignorant, or homophobic, these same people aren’t threatening violence on those who disagree with their views as is Equality California. It seems that a queer form of Anti-fa has arrived. So let’s look at the opposite view some would classify as “positive”.

“God Bless Ted for speaking up about what the majority of this great country of ours believes. The fact that 3% of the country’s population can have such a dramatic affect on the rest of the population is disgusting.” “Just wanted to send an email of encouragement and thanks for speaking for conservatives (that I still believe are the majority) and conservative values. I loved the article. The double standard in this country is just ridiculous. I, by no means have anything against gay people, but the ramming it down everyone’s throats is out of control.” I truly wish people would be a little more cognizant of their words as they write. Perhaps it is just my personal flaw of seeing the obvious humor in careless banter.

But then I digress. So now a little insight from Mike. First, this has been blown way out of proportion by the ne’er-do-well posters on Dixon 411 Political and two opposition councilmen on the current council. Perhaps they need a lesson in basic free speech. If you take governmental action as retribution or a repercussion to a person in an attempt to silence him, you have just violated his free speech right and the freedom of the press. The same goes for a censure action from the council. Second, Ted can’t be recalled as it is too close to his seat coming up for re-election if he so chooses. Learn the law, folks, before you start spouting off. Third, having read Ted’s column a couple of times, most of it is statement of facts except for the symbol of barring the gay parade. No where in his column did Ted say he didn’t want it to occur or didn’t mind if it did. If a writer’s description of a group’s antics discomforts you because your mind comes to the conclusion that the description is “denigrating”, aren’t you the one who is really in denial? I also found it fascinating how those who defend the parade want to claim it is about their struggles and the lives that were lost in gaining equality in some shape or form.

How exactly does the leather brigade of two men in the parade with one whipping the other honor anything but sexual deviance? Ever see the pictures of naked people on ten speed bikes at these parades? Somehow the struggle got confused with hedonism. Fourth, along with the spewing of hate, we have the Gaystapo going after the livelihood of not only Ted but this newspaper itself.

We have the emails attempting to induce advertisers to pull their ads. We have the emails threatening to destroy Ted financially. We have seen this kind of attempt before by the bad old boy group in town. For those of you advertisers who pull your ads, I intend to identify you and tell the real Americans who believe in the First Amendment to boycott your business. It is now a two way street. Fifth, I understand the three major networks were looking for interviews from Ted and hiding behind his truck looking to surprise him coming out of his house. Now that’s professionalism. You want an interview? I am available at 707-678-8575 or 1565 McCarthy Court. You can call ahead so I can put on my suit. I know the wonders of Channel 3 letting Rick Fuller know ahead of time they were coming and then just storming my front door to catch me in less than official gear. Isn’t that right, Rich Ibarra? Sixth, if you think Anti-fa has a lock on thug cowardice, you didn’t hear about the Safeway firework’s booth. Seems like three vans of outraged potential criminals arrived to confront Ted. On Sunday, they ran into the American Legion Riders. Upon seeing what they viewed as stern opposition, they drove to Safeway. When several of the men decided to see if they could answer any potential question this caravan might have about fireworks, the vans promptly left, tires squealing as the men approached.

My conclusion to this whole mess? Sarcasm is a lost art. Humor is in the eye and mind of the beholder. You don’t get to dictate morals or immorality to others. Nothing has been gained by those spewing their hatred. In fact, much has been exposed about those people and the ones foolish enough to post on Facebook. Rather than dignity, the gay community condemned itself due to its blatant show of bigotry and venom. Just as much as some want to claim this is some “viral” response, I can only assume due to its low numbers that most of the LGBT community doesn’t give a damn what Ted wrote. Just as the cranks on the Left, in the media and certain vocal individuals, feel they speak for all on the Left, it must be somewhat disturbing that Trump’s popularity continues to rise including defections from within their own party, at least according to the latest Harris poll. Finally, don’t threaten one of Dixon’s own. Many of us don’t appreciate it. If you come for me holding a pipe, as I have now heard is Anti-fa’s MO, just remember. I might introduce you to a bat with your name on it …

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July 7th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #735 (7-6-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 734 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

Final election results in; Devon Minimized

For the last two weeks I’ve been promising “final results of the recent election.”  Dixon election results are in and here they are: All of those I endorsed to you were re-elected to the positions of  Solano County Supervisor, Sheriff, District Attorney and Assessor so none have to face election in November.

Dixon’s entrant in the races, Devon Minnema, lost the Supervisor’s race in all Dixon precincts including his home district that elected him to the city council two years ago.

Two fires in two weeks?

This is what it looked like on our street! 

  Last weekend we were at Letts Lake just out of Ladoga and Stoneyford and as we were headed home we saw the Clearlake fire blow up and watched the fire spread over the foothills as we headed home on Highway 505. I told Linda I thought it was near Clearlake which, as the crow flies, wasn’t that far from where we were… It’s amazing how just looking at things from a slightly different angle can give you a completely different view of a situation that may not be accurate.

This past weekend we were headed home from Dillon’s Beach on Highway 1 when we saw the Brooks fire blow up and we watched it spread all the way home.  From two hours away I told my first wife Linda, that’s by the lake “(Berryessa”).  When we got to, and then left Vallejo, it looked like it was at the lake. By the time we hit Vacaville it looked like the town of Winters was in flames. When we left Applebee’s just after dark, we were amazed to see a black blowup of smoke in the night’ skyline looking again like the City of Winters was being destroyed…  It wasn’t until we got home and saw on the news it was near Brooks, between the Indian Casino and Highway 16, which is near were the fire from the week before was halted… and going towards Indian Valley Reservoir. That’s the way the Brooks fire was headed. The Cache Creek Elk herd roams that whole area of the fires…not good for them or the scattered few people that populate the area… It had grown to 70,000 + acres at press time.

So we got home and saw the incredible sunset, (see photo at the top) the south wind picked up and the staggering heat dissipated in short order. That was the good news…  TV showed people in Bezerkley eating in an outdoor restaurant with like dandruff on their clothes from ashes from the winds and fire.

The south wind was now blowing hard so we opened the windows and in a little when I looked over at the Black IPad and my black phone case, and the top of my drink container… all of which were coated with the fine whiteish particulate here in Dixon… If you see it, you know you know you’re breathing it into your lungs …not good. I’m guessing a lot of people didn’t even realize they were breathing potentially dangerous particulate into their lungs all night when they were sleeping with their windows open…We wouldn’t have known either if it wasn’t for the white dust on the black things.

So the fire story has another chapter. Remember the huge “Burney fire” about 36 years ago?  When our eldest son was about 5 we were on a deer hunting trip around Burney, way the hell and gone back in the unpaved boonies when all of a sudden a game warden came flying up with his red light and siren on…I freaked because I thought we may have done something wrong…But he just said to follow him there was a huge forest fire and we needed to get out “NOW”. He said for us to start out quickly and he would go on and look for others and asked us to warn any others we would see. So, we still hadn’t seen any smoke or anything, but we hauled the mail trying to get to the highway…and then, around a bend in the road we saw the fire with flames and smoke hundreds of feet high.

          Just before we got to the highway we had a flat tire and the guys coming behind us saw a little boy and me and said they would help us change the tire but we had to hurry, the fire was closing in on us. They asked where the jack was and I had never used it on our Ramcharger we were driving so I’m looking and they said, “never mind”, brought out a floor jack from their truck and in a pit stop that would make NSCAR jealous had the tire changed and we flew out of there at breakneck speed to the highway.

We hit the pavement and the fire fighters and law enforcement said, “floor it, and go like hell, and don’t stop until a couple of miles after you clear the flames… after you go we’re closing the highway. So a semi panicked five year old kid and I went flying through a terrifying tunnel of flames with fire shooting from both sides of the road arcing into a tunnel. We felt the heat and our little trooper was concerned but didn’t panic. It was hot even at over 80+ mph and some paint was blistered on both sides of the 4wd vehicle. It left a lasting impression on both of us and he still remembers it. That’s why when I see I fire fairly close I make sure there’s nothing I can do to help and then get the hell out of Dodge…And we didn’t get to hunt, and of course didn’t even get a quail, squirrel or deer that trip.

Linda found a Dinosaur for Mayor Bogue!

                    

Dixie (long neck), ‘Pixie” and “Beasty” in photos.

Like I told you the last couple of weeks, Linda doesn’t give up easy. After she couldn’t get “Dixie” the Dinosaur for our Mayor, she tried to get ‘Pixie” but the owner wouldn’t give it away. Not one to be dissuaded she’s now trying to get “Beasty” for a tourist attraction for our for our downtown area. No comment from the Mayor yet but if there’s a Dinosaur destined for Dixon Linda will find it!

 

More Things for Thought!

(Caution: The followuing is only for the open minded with a sense of humor.. If that’s not you, don’t read any further!

*Most of the calories I burn at the gym… are from pulling out my wedgie.

*Ancient Rome was at least 6 times more densely populated than New York City is today… and yet still much easier to find parking.

*If you think your husband is an amazing man, hard-working, a wonderful provider, and your best friend, quickly call your doctor… you’ve found the correct dose of your medication!

*This guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wristwatch.

*I’m not saying I’m more vegan than you are…  but when I pass gas it smells like pine cones.

*Of course you do realize that your most annoying friend…. has already started their Christmas shopping?

*You are 50 times more likely to be killed by a swarm of bees than win the lottery… with my damn luck I’ll be killed by the bees the day after I win the lottery.

*My wife likes to tell everyone that our new puppy has been “fixed” which implies that there was something wrong with the dog…I just call a “spayed” a “spayed”.

*Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to quit exaggerating.

*Sex and the aroma of freshly baked bread… God’s way of apologizing for everything else.

*It’s a little known fact that the cheetah, the fastest animal on our planet, only needs to drink every 3-4 days… I only drink on the weekends.

*My wife would bring a sweater if NASA sent her to the sun… “Just in case”.

*What was one of the things I’ve learned from marriage? When she says “we should repaint the bathroom”… she actually means me.

*I hate spelling errors… you mix up a couple of letters and your whole sentence is urined.

*I just finished writing my first rock opera/ play.  It’s about our savior opening Judea’s biggest and best ice cream shop… it’s called “Jesus Christ, scooper star.”

*I love when people apologize for ‘not calling you back’… as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for that return call.

*I told the wife I would like the boys every other weekend… she reminded me we were still married and living together so I would have to see them daily.

*I’m curious as to why parlors seem to only deal in ice cream or tattoos.

*There’s a new material called “magnetoelectric multiferroic” that will allow smartphones to run for up to 3 months on a single battery charge… or 3 days if you’re a 17-year old.

*Do amphibians have to wait an hour after eating before getting out of the water?

*I like long, romantic walks in the opposite direction from women that get really aggressive… when trying to catch the bouquet at weddings.

*I hate it when I mix my metaphors… and all hell breaks wind.

*Kids never remember a thing you say… unless it’s something you shouldn’t have said.

*Outgoing chairman of Starbucks Howard Schulz who is leaving the company will be presented with a gold watch… in keeping with corporate policy it will be inscribed “howerd sholze”.

*I’ve been saving cardboard boxes…  so when I retire I won’t be homeless.

*Did you ever realize at one point you held a world record for being the youngest person alive… then some schmuck came along and ruined it.

*A Florida security camera revealed an alligator rearranging a family’s patio furniture… with the departure of the Gaines’, HGTV is seeing this as possibly a replacement show.

*”God, I love doggy style!”…. She said excitedly, as she put a top hat and a bow tie on her golden lab.

*When one of the boys was about 7 he ticked me off so badly I pressed every one of the elevator buttons… knowing each new rider would blame him.

*My mother was such a big fan of circumcision… she cut all the collars off our shirts and we were never allowed to wear turtlenecks.

What neighborhood fireworks looked like…

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June 28th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #734 (6-29-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

“Pixie” the Dinosaur coming to Dixon?

 

Dixon’s Mayor, Thom Bogue, can be tenacious. When he feels strongly about an issue he peruses it to the bitter end… and so it is with Dixie the Dinosaur. He thought it might be a great idea for Dixon to have “Dixie” back as a tourist attraction to help the local business community, and to that end got enough support from the city council to have the staff at least look into the matter and report on the feasibility of paying $25,000 to buy the huge monster, (that stopped traffic on highway 80 when it was standing just off the West A Street over pass) at the gas station. The council never did authorize buying the thing, before, during, or after the research; instead city staff was simply asked to look into it.

City Manager, Jim Lindley, doing his due diligence, found the guy who was trying to con Dixon into buying Dixie, for one, didn’t own it and two, didn’t have possession of it… Minor problems huh? So Dixie died another death and became a non-issue… or did she?

Not to be one to give up without a fight Mayor Bogue talked my first wife, Linda, a well know garage sale negotiator, into trying to buy a Dixie for Dixon and gave her a bogus Account Sans any money to set forth on her dino-buying spree…Well, Linda is another stubborn one and was determined to bring the mayor back… something. So this past weekend she found “Pixie” (see photo above for proof), contacted the place that had it, and asked if the owner wanted to sell it for nothing. She drove a hard bargain but they refused. She told them she was authorized to write a check on a non-existing account, right there on the spot… if they wanted to off the creature… Surprisingly the gas station attendant refused to part with it without the owner’s permission and he admitted right up front that he didn’t own it… She left her card and Linda’s still waiting to hear from the real owner(s) and find out if they have any interest t in offing Pixie…. So the drama continues…

 

Don’t Forget July 1, 2018 Starts SPAM

SPAMStraight Pride American Month!                        

 

Last Sunday ended LGBTQF-WTF month Yea! (*Don’t get me wrong I support the First Amendment, as much as the next person, and support the rights of grown men to wear skin tight short-shorts and go-go boots and don tinker bell wings with wand and prance down the streets of San Francisco) with tens of thousands of folks dancing and prancing all over American celebrating the fact they are different than most of the rest of us and showing their “pride” in being so.

       Our real, straight SPAM, Dixon Rainbow Flag of sorts over Northwest Park! (See Below)

Now before anyone gets their pantyhose in a knot, this is not really legally anti anything; instead it’s pro-family; and proud to be a straight American, and me expressing a private opinion… So there! If you remember last week I proclaimed the Month of July as SPAM …(Straight Pride American Month)…(as Vice Mayor don’t know if I can, but what the heck). Now hundreds of millions of the rest of us can celebrate our month, peaking on July 4th, as healthy, heterosexual, fairly monogamous, keep our kinky stuff to ourselves, Americans… We do it with our parades in every state and county in this country with families celebrating together. We honor our country and our veterans who have made all of this possible (including for the tinker bells) and we can do it with actual real pride, not some put on show just to help our inferior complex “show we are different” type of crap. We ARE different from them…We work, have families, (and babies we make) enjoy and love the company (and marriage) of the opposite sex and don’t flaunt our differences dressing up like faries and prancing by the thousands in a parade in nearby San Francisco to be televised all over the world… *And yes, before it becomes an issue, I do believe in faries; I’ve seen them in SF for myself.  Let’s see if I can remember the Peter Pan story about believing in faries…oh yeal, so according to “Wikipedia” faries are powered “bypiezoelectric” crystals which can be energized by sound waves like made by clapping. So, right now if you don’t want any faries to expire, you can clap your hands. See, I do have a heart I just can’t type and clap at the same time… so I had to make a hard choice didn’t I?

Dixon FIREWORKS

We’re At Safeway!

 

Like to play the percentages?  Look at the chart below before you light off and M-80’s or any other illegal fireworks. Want to know what the ER sees? Look at the chart and remember it when you light any (including “safe and sane”) fireworks and have a bucket of sand and a hose nearby… and enjoy a safe holiday.

It’s that time of the year again. The time is at hand once again when our hardy band of Dixon Toys for Tots volunteers join the Dixon American Legion organizations in a100 degree temperatures, and spend 12 hours in a plywood box filled with gun powder,  at Safeway to earn money to help families in need at Christmas time… Our booth and some of our volunteers are pictured above.

What? You never heard of “Christmas in July?” Somehow I don’t think this is what they meant… Anyway our dedicated group will occupy the booth from 10a.m. until 10p.m. on July 3rd and for morning shift on July 4th. For this we get one-seventh of the profits for Toys for Tots. It is a good start for our yearly funding raising and we have been doing every year in conjunction with the Legion since fireworks have been sold in Dixon. When you buy from this booth you are helping support veteran’s causes and Dixon Toys for Tots.

Why does this booth out sell all others? Because it is fully manned every hour of every day and has items the other booths don’t have. The experienced full staffing means no to little wait time and customer service that can help you get the “best bang for your buck” so to speak!

 

Talking About Fireworks,Warning!

Although Dixon is one of the few places in the county where you can buy and set off “Safe and Sane fireworks” all others are illegal and now come with a high price tag to ignite in this area. All others are also illegal in all cities in Solano County and in the unincorporated areas. The new fine system in Dixon will be an expensive lesson for those not paying attention: The fines will be: $500 for the first offense; $750 for the second and $1,000 for the third. Plus you can be cited for each illegal fireworks you possess so it can ruin your holiday to do something stupid…. And those mortars the dummies are setting off now, bad boys, what they gonna do when they come for you? They are going to write you a citation that will cost you at least 5 big ones right off the bat. And who’s going to do this? The entire police and fire departments can and will write the tickets and the police department is near full staff for the first time in decades with a bunch of new officers who would love to become heroes to the seniors, people with pets and parents of young ones who want to see you busted. Do us and yourself a favor and don’t set your bombs off here this year…if you do I hope they catch your sorry butts and the courts make an example of you…so there. Don’t say you weren’t warned…again.

Solano County Friends of the NRA dinner to be held in Dixon

 

 

The Dixon Game and Conservation Club will again be hosting its annual “Solano County friends of the NRA” fund raising dinner in July at the Old Dixon Vet’s Hall, at 231 North First Street in downtown Dixon on Friday July 13, 2018.The event is held to raise funds to support shooting education, youth programs and firearms education.

There will be the traditional live and silent auctions plus many games and many firearms available to win.

The $70 (each) dinner diner tickets can be obtained by Calling Ed Coffelt at 707-678-2777 or emailing him at Coffelt@SBClobal.net, or from any game club member.

Oh, BTWLinda & I plus Fred & Linda Vanderwold and Shane & Missy Nichols  along with the John  & Andrea Kett and members of the Dixon Game Club will be working the dinner again this year… See you there?

More Things For  Thought

most of the calories i burn at the gym…….are from pulling out my wedgie.

ancient Rome was at least 6 times more densely populated than New York City is today……..and yet still much easier to find parking.

if you think your husband is an amazing man, hard-working, a wonderful provider, and your best friend, quickly call your doctor……..you’ve found the correct dose of your medication!

this guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wristwatch.

i’m not saying i’m more vegan than you are………but when i fart it smells like pine cones.

of course you do realize that your most annoying friend…….has already started their Christmas shopping?

you are 50 times more likely to be killed by a swarm of bees than win the lottery……with my damn luck i’ll be killed by the bees the day after i win the lottery.

my wife likes to tell everyone that our new puppy has been “fixed” which implies that there was something wrong with the dog………i just call a “spayed” a “spayed”.

pretty much everyone i’ve ever met has told me to quit exaggerating.

sex, and the aroma of freshly baked bread……..God’s way of apologizing for everything else.

it’s a little known fact that the cheetah, the fastest animal on our planet, only needs to drink every 3-4 days……..i only drink on the weekends.

my wife would bring a sweater if NASA sent her to the Sun……..”just in case”.

what was one of the things i’ve learned from marriage?  when she says “we should repaint the bathroom”……..she actually means me.

i hate spelling errors……you mix up a couple of letters and your whole sentence is urined.

i just finished writing my first play.  it’s about our Saviour opening Judea’s biggest and best ice cream shop…..it’s called “Jesus Christ, Scooper Star.”

i love when people apologize for ‘not calling you back’… as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for that return call.

i told the wife i would like the boys every other weekend…….she reminded me we were still married and living together so i would have to see them daily.

i’m curious as to why parlors seem to only deal in ice cream or tattoos.

there’s a new material called “magnetoelectric multiferroic” that will allow smartphones to run for up to 3 months on a single battery charge…….or 3 days if you’re a 17-year old.

do amphibians have to wait an hour after eating before getting out of the water?

i like long, romantic walks in the opposite direction from women that get really aggressive…….when trying to catch the bouquet at weddings.

i hate it when i mix my metaphors…….and all hell breaks wind.

kids never remember a thing you say…….unless it’s something you shouldn’t have said.

outgoing chairman of Starbucks Howard Schulze who is leaving the company will be presented with a gold watch…….in keeping with corporate policy it will be inscribed “Howerd Sholze”.

i’ve been saving cardboard boxes…..so when i retire i won’t be homeless.

did you ever realize at one point you held a world record for being the youngest person alive?……then some schlimazel came along and ruined it.

a Florida security camera revealed an alligator rearranging a families patio furniture…….with the departure of the Gaines’ , HGTV is seeing this as possibly a replacement show.

“god, i love doggy style!”……..she said excitedly, as she put a top hat and a bow tie on her golden lab.

when one of the boys was about 7 he pissed me off so badly i pressed every one of the elevator buttons……knowing each new rider would blame him.

my mother was such a big fan of circumcision…she cut all the collars off our shirts and we were never allowed to wear turtlenecks.

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June 22nd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #733 (6-22-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 732 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

What do you do when the thermometer Hits 100?

What do you do on a hot June night except turn on the AC, watch TV and go to bed.  Granted that what most folks do but there are a few of us outdoorsy types that see this night swelter time as the signal to pick up the gigs and traps and go out into the night to gather bull frogs and trap crawdads… which is what we just did. Pictured are Shane Nichole, left and Randy Aguirre with just a few of the bull frogs we freed from local area waterways. The other picture shows a curious lab checking out a couple of hundred crawdads being cleansed for cooking. If you’ve never has frog legs and crawdads you really don’t know what you are missing… and they are free for the taking… except for the hot long hours it takes to get them. There are places in the area you can buy crawdads but I know of no place that sells fresh frog legs or the whole frog.

And the winners are…

 

 This is your Supervisor, District Attorney and Sheriff as elected by the people of Dixon!

I Found these on the street;

What do you do?

 

I had been hearing about people finding needles/syringes around town which in itself is disturbing… but now I’ve heard about the meth heads and heroin users apparently shooting up in the parks at night and leaving their dangerous tools behind… where kids could find them… WTF folks?  Use if you must, but why in the hell would you just discard your syringes and needles where others can find, step on them or curious kids pick them up?

Wonder if there’s a way to lift prints off of them; track down the dirtballs that do this and give them rent free housing for a while?  Probably not.  It wouldn’t be cost effective if they could find them, and cost is always our primary concern, right?

When I found them (pictured above and below) couple of days ago I didn’t know what to do either. I wasn’t going to pick them up, I knew that much. So I called the non-emergency number of the police department (707-678-7080) and asked for a police office to respond. When the officer arrived I told him I knew one was a drug needle but thought the other one lying near it was a broken ball point pen… As you can see in the photo; one was a syringe with needle attached and the other lost the needle portion but still had stuff in it. He picked them up and put them in a bio-hazard tube and took them for disposal…. That’s what I, and Dixon Police Chief Robert Thompson suggest you do if you or anyone you know should come across this dangerous garbage… and tell your kids what to do if they should come across one… Show them these pictures and warn them of the dangers.

 

Ted: This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina in Susiun.  I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted “Allah be praised!” and “Death to all Infidels!” when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that if he didn’t get help he would surely drown!  Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.  I’m starting to think I just wasted four postage stamps.

 

More Things ForThought

*I’ve been trying this “a shake for breakfast and lunch” diet… but unfortunately there is only so many times I can go to McDonald’s without buying fries.

*A majority of American public school teachers come from the bottom 25% of their college classes… no wonder the kids can’t read.

*My strategic donut reserves have been depleted… commodity markets are about to get volatile.

*A group of pandas is known as an “embarrassment”… or a family reunion.

*If you think your day is going bad and your risk of failure is high always remember… both Lee Marvin and Forrest Gump got shot in the butt and went on to greatness.

*Thank God there are only muscle aches and not fat aches.

*Mussels taken from Puget Sound are testing positive for oxycodone… talk about two birds with one stone!

*There’s the Doubletree, the Four Points, La Quinta, Motel 6 and the Super 8, apparently hotels/motels are like golf… the higher the number the worse you are doing.

*Four out of five times what we call “gut instinct”… is just gas.

*Is it possible to have a ‘pregnant pause’ as a result of ‘unprotected text’?

*Fairy tales teach us that if you cry outside birds will come and do your laundry… reality, however, taught me that no one really gives a crap; especially the birds.

*A survey found that 64% of Americans preferred the company of their cat over their significant other.. this survey was conducted by my wife.

*Jokes about crappy jug wine are a really great example… of Ernest and Julio Gallo’s humor.

*My doctor told me to have a sensible meal for dinner… so I took some extra time and talked some sense into my pizza.

*She said lets go to bed and do naughty things… fast forward to jumping on the bed with our shoes on and giggling uncontrollably.

*Marijuana contains more than four times the THC than it did 30 years ago… which means our generation had to smoke a helluva lot more dope to become lazy.

*Before marriage the bride fantasizes about spending a life together… after marriage she fantasizes about spending the life insurance alone.

*My granddaughter asked me if it’s illegal to be deaf… which tells me I did a poor job of explaining “legally deaf” to her.

*Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word… it sounds like cows dancing.

*When I told my therapist I’d spent several hours trying to think of a word for the time I spent training to become a mailman… she told me “that’s preposterous!”

*The neighbors decided to make their own sextape… then she got all pissed off when he held auditions for her part.

*Studies have shown that dolphins can communicate over cell phones and apparently recognize who they are ‘speaking’ with… although they can’t afford waterproof phones.

*I forgot to check my lottery ticket this morning to see if I won… I could be wasting a whole day at work.

*If you buy a copy of the New Testament on tape and then play it backwards… it’s actually a narrative of Joseph explaining step-by-step how to build an Adirondack chair.

*I just heard my son and his friends say they were going to roll a fatty……I told them the obese have enough problems without getting robbed.  One more teachable moment.

*Found out yesterday I’m colorblind and it’s the dandiest thing… just came out of the green!

*The man who invented the gas-station roadmap died this week…after several failed attempts he was simply folded in half and stuffed in the casket.

*If you want to watch decades of a family’s love, trust, and respect go right down the crapper… hide their remote.

*So, what’s the suspension like on one of these?  Does it maintain good stability under stress?  What’s the spring rate? Bra shopping.

*My mother-in-law told us her greatest hope…she wants her eulogy to start with “her reign of terror is finally over.”(Just kidding Mary)

 

 

 

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June 14th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #732 (6-15-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Only “Safe and Sane”

fireworks are legal

and are allowed in the city of Dixon

            So you wanna have  a few brewskis with friends a show off your newest earth shattering fireworks that rattle windows, wake babies and make them cry, have senior citizens leave town if they can, and encourage pets to run away from home, huh?

As of yesterday getting your jumbo gunpowder jollies just got a lot more expensive. The city council just put into effect an enforcement tool which calls for fines of $500 first offense, $750, second and $1,000 for the third… Plus extra fines for extra illegal fireworks you may have… and the masses are rooting against you.

            The police and fire departments are now armed with these dynamite new tools to shut you fools down. Granted it is a cat and mouse game but we have sharpened the cat’s claws and teeth and they’re coming to get you… But they can use the help of the public. You if you hear or see illegal fireworks call the Dixon police 24-hour police non-emergency number (707-678-7080) and report it… no matter the time of day or night… YOU can help put a stop to this dangerous and outrageous invasion of personal space, peace and quiet


 

Local college bends over backwards for: 

“LGBTQ Pride”

The Solano County Community College Board, operating with taxpayer’s money, has passed a resolution proclaiming June as LGBTQ Pride Month. Our Solano students must be so proud.

I Want to make a proclamation

To offset this I am proclaiming July as NOT LGBTQ-WTF aka… Straight pride month…You know…  I hereby resolve that I proclaim the month of July to be celebrated as… I am proud to be a heterosexual, monogamous, married to the opposite sex, straight individual that knows what goes where and why. But I’m not going to try to shove this down you throat, so to speak, you can be one or not, that’s your choice. And to be fair, once again, I’ll admit I do have lesbian tendencies… so there!

School Resource Officer for Jr. High; now a high priority

Now that we have a high school resource coming on board for the fall (armed cop on campus) we need to start on one for the junior high. It’s much better to have one and not need them than it is to need one and NOT have them. It’s the school’s responsibility to educate them and keep them safe at school while it’s the city’s responsible to keep them safe and free from the type of bullying, assaults and intimidation taking place at both campuses currently. The junior high resource officer can work half day there, not sticking to any schedule and the other half day splitting their time up at the remaining elementary schools establishing a trusting network and “go to” person if trouble is in the air. It’s a shame it has come to this, but it has. We as a city need to be proactive, not reactive. There is nothing more worthless than calling the police to report a crime if it could have been prevented in the first place.

            The city and the school have agreed to provide one officer for the high school starting with the new school year. This position takes extensive training and will be a specialized position within the local department. I’m asking the city to provide a second officer for the junior high and the rest of the schools… hopefully enough on the council agree to make this happen. We have grandchildren going into junior high, coming out of junior high, half way through high school and one just graduated, and friends that have children spread throughout the elementary system so we have a pretty good handle  on what’s happening.

Public safety has to be the number one priority for local government stretching from the young to the elderly and all groups in between. Kids are being threatened, bullied or otherwise intimidated and don’t want to go to school and more parents are being forced to “home school” their children to provide a safe, comfortable environment for learning. The district can’t figure why enrollment (and thereby ADA dollars) continues to shrink and look everywhere but inward for the answers.

Splash Pad Water Playground Equipment…

And Water Play Features

My Splash Pad is pleased to offer fun, colorful, and unique water playground equipment or water play features for commercial water parkslight commercial spray parks and residential “splashpads“.

Our Water CannonFire HydrantFlower ShowerWater UmbrellaRain Sticks, Sun SprayBirdieMini Mushrooms, Rain BlastersBucket Dump , all of the animal and dog water park features are all proudly made right here in the USA (Ohio) and manufactured with the highest quality materials at the hands of skilled craftsmen.

Crafted from heavy wall marine grade fiberglass, our features have some of the highest wall thickness in the industry. NO steel to rust or PVC that breaks!

  • They are built to withstand vigorous play.
  • They will not rust.
  • I’m asking for the parks and recreation commission to immediately look into this new recreational device for children and see about getting a couple of trials set for Dixon.

 

More things for thought

*For a more lifelike simulation I wear a fisherman’s vest and bring along a cooler of beer… when I get on the rowing machine at the gym.

*Beautiful people are much less likely to be convicted by a jury… which is really quite ironic since they’re much more likely to find love in prison.

*How much do prostitutes charge to let you win an argument?

*The closest I’ve ever come to eating seafood is chips-ahoy… a cookie with a nautical term in the title is darn well close enough to seafood for me.

*Why is the floor creaking upstairs?  Does the damn cat weigh that much…jeezus, I hope the damn cat weights that much.

*Nostalgia is what happens when you remember something from your past… while forgetting that you thought your life was crap at that point as well.

*If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee?

*I’m not sure about Ambien causing one to make racist remarks… but I can confirm that pairing Maker’s Mark with sizzling Hot Pockets at 1 AM will make you “like” all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos.

*Saw a girl I have a crush on at IKEA with her fiancé but you know what they say… when God closes a ‘Storas Innjorden’ he opens a ‘Fonstarvivig’.

*For all athletic Gemini’s looking forward to summer:  sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you… good luck on your next mountain bike excursion.

*The most obvious sign you should probably quit drinking is if you’re having the thought…”Should I quit drinking?”

*The great songs of our generation ask the eternal questions… where have all the flowers gone?  How can you mend a broken heart?  Who let the dogs out?

*I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not free weights.

*Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always tell them how my dad left us on my 8th birthday… I leave out the part about how he returned with my cake, although it wasn’t chocolate, so it’s still sad.

*At least my meth-using neighbor mows his lawn… it’s at 4 AM and he’s naked, but still.

*I love books.  You can put them on a shelf.  Shelves that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car…decorated with bats.

*My dad says he hates boxed wine ‘cuz he can’t tell how much he’s consumed… I’m glad I got his mechanical skills and not his sensibility.

*This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but was unable to remember where… I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store.  Guess what?

*Now that I’m older I’ve found I’m afflicted with the eyebrows that are tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

*A pregnant woman was standing in line in front of me so I asked her if she knew what she was having..

.”probably the chicken tenders”, she replied.

*I guess if Porky Pig is going to flash someone he just takes off his bow tie?

*The black tip of the banana is called the “bananus”……..otherwise known as the “little brown tip at the bottom of the banana that no one in their right mind eats”.

*Exercise Induced Anaphylaxis (EIA) is am allergic response to physical activity with a myriad of symptoms like hives, itching, wheezing and diarrhea… one more opportunity to diddle your way to a disabled parking placard.

*Thinking of going into the hotel pool but I need to test the water-to-urine ratio.

*Big Pharma just released some Viagra tea bags.  They do nothing for your sex life… they simply keep whatever you’re dunking in your tea from going soft.

*Have you noticed that when a long-time zoo animal dies they always refer to it as “beloved” or a “crowd favorite”… as if there’s some animal named “Jimmy the Zebra” that everyone hates.

*Elton John has won Grammys, Oscars, Golden Globes… and the Denny’s Pancake Eating Contest.

*After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kind of worried… do you think they might come after my bowling trophies?

*And what’s this “kids eat free” crap?  Kids always eat free…when was the last time you saw a 4-year old pick up a check?

*Craft beers are predominately made from barley and hops which have high levels of calcium and silicon good for strong bones and teeth… maybe why my dentist and bartender are partnering in a brewery/dental office.

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