September 27th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #534 (9-26-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

I like political jokes… until they get elected!

 

Candidate’s Forum

 

If you missed the Dixon Chamber of Commerce candidate’s forum for the Dixon City Council election last Wednesday don’t lose any sleep over it. In a nut shell I can tell you how it shook out… just as expected.

 

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The power that be (the three man majority on the council not running for election) boosted their next choice to join their little club; Scott Pederson. Pederson who is currently holding the elected eunuch position of city treasurer is being groomed to join his buddies on the council…who, by the way, APPOINTED him to the treasurer’s post. Pederson proved underwhelming in both knowledge and content in his talks. I’m still not sure he doesn’t think he’s running for the school board because of the numerous times he referred to the school district being down hundreds of students as being one of the city’s biggest problems? Go figure. He also claimed it was a mystery and no one could figure it out. No one asked me. I know exactly where the hundreds of student went…we’ve seen the figures trending down the last couple of years in our annual Toys for Tots program and we have the answer.

 

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So we have Scott worrying about missing school children and the incumbents still trying to convince the public “the government’s doing this for your own good” and they are the good guys for voting for a stupid $7 million dollars hole downtown, doubling your sewage rate, tripling your water rates, etc.  Yeah, the public’s  gonna buy that effluent. So in one camp you have the hand-picked city treasurer, the vice mayor who used his Dixon city title to try and help out an accused child molester in court (Bassinette) and the man of the people (Bogue) who stabbed the voters in the back with his votes. That’s Group A.

In the other camp that night you have former city councilman Mike Ceremello (the dreaded political bulldog) who knows no bounds, the 18 year old “shucks I’m just a sophisticated local farm kid” and me…that’s how it shakes out.

The money, power, unions, and whatever else they can gather are supporting group A. In group B we basically only have the people. Of course I’m hoping to see the power group bite it and for the voters to start to get a foothold representation back in our local government.

Group A is smug. Group B is hopeful. The sample ballots will be out shortly so remember when you cast your vote. Group A has already gotten into your pockets for $30+ millions and still wants to build another hole or two downtown. Group B wants to save money and build and over pass to offer equal protection both both sides of the city.

Like I said that evening: “Four years ago I helped get the two incumbents elected…tonight I’m her to help get them un-elected.” They screwed us over more than once; only you can give them four more years to do it some more… or kick them to the curb where they belong.

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Conversely I’m trying to become the first man in recorded history to win an election without taking anything from anybody and not spending a penny. I know chances are slim but I also know informed voters may surprise everyone. When you see the signs, get the letters and phone calls look and ask and see who’s buying this candidate through these bribes. In my case, as shown in the photo above, grassroots support can surface anywhere… thank all of you who want me to represent you without any strings attached. Whoever you are that made the sign and whoever sent me the photo, thank you… pretty cool huh?

 

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Eat Free and Meet Logue Sunday

Sunday you might want to attend a “meet and greet” free barbeque for veterans and their guests with Assemblyman Dan Logue, candidate for US Congress.  It’s this Sunday, September 28, 2014 at 12 noon American Legion post 208 1305 north First Street, Dixon, ca 95620. Please RSVP at:  dixonpost208@gmail.com… if you can. If not just show up for a free lunch and meet Dan.

 

More Things For Thought

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My mother was one of the strongest women I ever knew… you should see how far she could throw a shoe.

I don’t throw anything out anymore, I just go to some place like TGIFridays and glue more crap to the wall… no one ever notices.

In my experience the quickest way to escape jury duty is when they read out the charges yell… “Oh! come on! Hell, even I’ve done that!”

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same character.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane… and there is congress for the insanely criminal.

If I’m ever on death row I’m going to request my last meal from Chili’s… figure that waiting for my order gives me another year at least.

I just dumped a bucket of ice on the damn cat… you’re welcome Lou Gehrig.

 Romantic comedies always give women unrealistic expectations… like porn movies give guys.

Asked a guy in the garden department at Home Depot if he had anything that wouldn’t die… he said “my mother-in-law!”

The wife told me to put on my pajamas and brush my teeth… I said “for chripessakes, dear, I’m a grown man.  I don’t need anyone to tell me how to get ready for story time.”

Definitely one of the things on my bucket list, my “100 things to do before I die”… call an ambulance!

When I was younger my dad showed me pictures so I’d know why to wear a condom during sex… they were all pictures of my brother and I.

I spent the entire afternoon throwing darts at a picture of the wife… when she called and asked what I was doing I said “missing you.”

Jackie yelled at me “this is the LAST time I’m gonna tell you to take out the trash!”… thank God that’s finally over!

As I looked around my house suddenly my problem became very apparent.  Hamsters, a gecko, 2 cats, a dog, a parrot, an iguana and some hermit crabs… I’m a petophile.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated… she made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

 Met a girl in a club the other night who said she’d take me outside and show me a good time… in the parking lot she ran the 100 meters in 9.69 seconds. 

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer rest rooms.

I’m not a scientist but if the Ebola virus is communicable I think that means we can talk to it.

If I had known that small oranges were also known as “cuties” when my wife asked me to “bring a few home” we could have avoided all those really awkward introductions.

I told the young lady I met at the concert I was a tenor… she scoffed and said, “you’re a six and I’m being generous.”

The auto-correct function on my work computer turned “likable” into “lickable”… now the new intern is confused by her evaluation.

I was at the veterinarians today and an old man was standing next to me holding an empty cage and crying… I’d cry too if I was that forgetful.

“You the bomb!”  “No! You the bomb!” A compliment in America… an argument in the Middle East.

Just got home from Costco with an electric player piano, a 12-pack of BBQ lighters and a kayak… crap!  I forgot milk!

I want to open a pizza restaurant and call it “cheesus crust”… our slogan will either be “heavenly ingredients served hot as hell” or “crust has risen!”

I’ve got a lot of sympathy for the caveman that invented the wheel… you just know his mother-in-law continually bitched “she coulda married Grog, he invented fire”.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size?… not c’s.  Think about it… sound it out.

I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time selecting the most desirable potato chips out of the bag… especially for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

 

 

Defaced Dollar Bill

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Ted: You don’t think we’re in a war? A lady in Monte Vista had this dollar bill. This is her story. After dinner she took a $1 dollar bill out of her purse and displayed it on the table. Underneath the words “In God We Trust” someone had stamped the dollar bill in red ink— NO GOD BUT ALLAH. We asked her where she got this dollar bill. She said it was part of her change in Alamosa. We took this picture of her dollar bill. These are beginning to show up all around our country!  If anyone tries to give you one of these dollar bills as change, please refuse it and ask them to give you a dollar bill that has not been defaced Send this on to everyone you can. May God bless our USA — And quickly, before what we know and love is forever gone! Your cousin Dr. M. T. San Deigo

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September 27th 2014
North to Alaska a trip Everyone should take

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman

With our 50th wedding anniversary approaching we discussed what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go. I had just sold a house and had a little extra money so the choices were varied. I wanted Hawaii and Linda wanted Denali National Park, a place hidden deep in Alaska’s wild country…We set a trip for Denali months in advance. Thanks to the efforts of Allison Roddick at AAA travel in Vacaville a stay in the park was arranged followed by a seven day cruise home, not only for us, but for our good friends Larry and Cotton Lockwood from Oklahoma. She made all of these arrangements for the four of us and everything went off without a hitch.

The four of us hooked up in San Francisco and then flew to Anchorage for a short overnight stay before boarding a bus to take the state owned (only state owned railroad in the U.S.) Alaskan Rail Road for an 8 hour train ride ending nearer the park…and then another 15 minute bus ride to the park’s accommodations. We spent two nights there in little cabin like lodges and had an entertaining meal at the “Cabin”. One of the days we spent another eight hours on an interior bus ride where we saw grizzly bears, mountain goats, moose, a great ptargarmin, a rare lone wolf cub about a year old, and BIG mountains and more snow capped BIG mountains. I was surprised there are no deer or elk in the park. The said the habitat just wasn’t conducive for them.

Denali, which is also known as Mt McKinley, is seen lower right. Only 34 percent of park visitors get to see the mountain because of weather. It is over one mile higher than Mt. Shasta.

 

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After a relaxing 18+ hours riding on a train/bus we were ready for our bus trip out of the park to Seward where we would hop a boat for a seven day cruise home, stopping along the way of course. Sooo, we took another 10 hour bus ride though more of the same, but different three mountain ranges, to the Holland American ship. Funny thing is none of the four of us got bored or tired of seeing the majestic peaks, glaciers, forest lands and watching for critters.

We’ve walked on the bottom of the ocean and fed the fish in Bora-Bora, ocean kayaked in New Zealand, zip lined through the jungle in Costa Rica, felt the wall of the Panama Canal, had kangaroo and crocodile in Australia, swam with the turtles in Hawaii, snorkeled with the fishes in Tahiti…you get the idea. All of this since we turned 60. The point is we’ve only gone one place twice and that’s Alaska… put this on your family’s to do list it’s like no other place.

We get to Seward and pick up the ship and in seven days we make three stops: Haines, (The Elmira of Alaska) Juneau, (the state’s capitol not accessible by road) and cool Ketchikan…all surrounded by huge mountain ranges and populated by hardy people.

We spent one whole day cruising Glacier Bay looking at the cool ice bergs and huge but dwindling glaciers. The highlight of the whole trip was the helicopter ride that landed on the Mendenhall Glacier. We put on ice shoes and took a hike on the glacier with me shooting about dozens of shots of the incredible blue ice streams.

Ted by the ship and the Hickmans and Lockwoods on the Mendenhall Glacier

 

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The ship ended up in Vancouver, B.C. which is a great city to visit less than a two hour plane ride from Sacramento. It would be a great close trip for you and your family and that trip with a visit to Stanley Park will be memorable. You feel like you are home until the maple leaf flag everywhere you go and realize you are in a foreign country. Again, pack the family up and just go… you won’t regret it.

For more photos on Alaska go to www.tedhickman.com.

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September 27th 2014
Thinning Out The Herd

Posted under That's Life Columns

wwwwmike

 Mike Ceremello

Upon further rumination, it would be advisable to examine in detail what YOUR candidates for council stated at the candidates’ night forum put on by the Chamber of Commerce.  Many of you vote by absentee ballot these days and those will be mailed out to you beginning in early October.  I would suggest to you, much as my fellow ne’er-do-well opinion writer Terrible Ted Hickman has said, don’t believe the glossy flyers and big signs all over town.  Pay attention, damn it …

 

First up is the darling of the bad old boys, the Rot-Ary’s beautiful people’s red headed step-child, Scott Pederson.  Perhaps you don’t know the government code delineating the duties of the city treasurer but I have seen it more than once.  The GC Sections are 41001 to 41007.  It seems Scott can’t quite comprehend simple code nor is he even aware of it.

 wwwwpissed off

The job of city treasurer has nothing to do with being on the “investment policy committee”.  The code forces the city treasurer to be responsible for all monies “coming into his hands as city treasurer” and “to pay out money only on warrants signed by legally designated persons.”  The city treasurer is allowed to deputize others to do this for him or her and those people hold office at his pleasure but receive compensation “as provided by the legislative body.”

 

Code section 41004 requires the treasurer to monthly issue a “written report and accounting of all receipts, disbursements, and fund balances” to the city clerk with a copy to the council.  How is it that his deputy, the city finance director, does not know the fund balance in the water enterprise fund if this must be done monthly?  Is it apparent to you that this is a dereliction of duty on Scott Pederson’s part?  Why hasn’t he spoken up?  Cat got your tongue, Scott?

 

You have to remember that the bad old boys, led by YOUR now mayor Jack Batchelor, wanted to turn the treasurer’s position into an appointed position, which is allowed if the citizens vote for it.  (I guess the State legislators don’t think we are too stupid to do that while your city council feels we are too stupid to vote on a sewer rate increase?)  The reason they wanted another Bea Fairfield in this position rather than Gary Riddle who supplanted her is because it is easier to hide what the city is doing with your tax dollars if no one is there to ask questions.

 

Scott’s claim of being responsible for investments is not one of the listed tasks in code.  Scott doesn’t even know nor does he wish to recognize that this responsibility was added during Riddle’s term in office after a public forum silenced critics of Riddle who yelled “we don’t want him touching our money”.  This bone was an olive branch attempting to co-opt Riddle and make him more a part of the system.  People without principles have a hard time understanding those who do.

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Now to the gist of the matter.  The point is “if Scott Pederson does not even know the requirements, responsibilities, and his abilities within the office he has held for four years, why in the world should anyone elect him to city council?”  The answer is simple, really.  You elect Pederson to give Jack Batchelor one more blind, rubber stamp to enable more foolish projects and his continuing hatred of the public.

 

Pederson not only wants to give the water system’s operation back to Solano Irrigation District, (evidently he is no smarter than Steve Bird in this regard), he wants to join with these crooks once again as a Joint Powers Authority.  Scott claims he is a “controller” of a corporation and a small business owner.  How can you look at the financial records of SID, see they squandered $33 million in reserves on new offices when none were needed, and now essentially are broke without water rate increases recently passed on farmers?  If you can’t ascertain fiscal mismanagement right in front of you, I don’t want you making decisions which will bankrupt the city of Dixon.

 

Scott has pretty much proven his incompetence to be anything but a bean counter.  Stating that you “have no voice” but really meaning you “have no vote”, is rather paradoxical when you consider that the former treasurer David Dingman had no problem addressing the council from the floor.  When have you ever attempted to weigh in as an elected official from your spot on the dais?  Do you expect me to believe that Jack would not recognize you to speak?  You are yelling “Fire” when not only is there no spark (of intelligence) but not even any smoke detected.

 

I am sure there will be those of you who want a “pretty boy” of civility and demeanor, will read the glossy flyer and say this guy is great, but I hope you understand what a bill of goods you are being sold in Scott Pederson.  As Ted said at the forum, “Who is paying for your campaign … who will be asking for favors in return?”

* * * * *

Moving on in my effort to separate the wheat from the chaff and before I leave Scott altogether, I want to look at Devon Minnema’s statement about the citizens’ right to vote on any issue they might consider worthy.  Both Devon and Scott believe that the citizens shouldn’t be able to nullify the decision of their representatives but for differing reasons.  Scott is part of the group who thinks the council is superior to those who “granted them” the right to represent them.  Devon simply made a youthful rash statement not backed by principles established in the State Constitution he would be asked to take an oath to defend and protect.

 

Devon stated that you have to respect the council’s decision once it has been made.  If that were true, we would have a half built horse racing facility and a wastewater pipeline to nowhere south of town.  A successful citizens’ referendum nullified the first council approval and Measure L, a citizen initiative (a State Constitution right) much like the one now being circulated, stopped the latter $40 million waste of taxpayer money.  As a councilman you need to get rid of your ego and realize, as Thom Bogue and Dane Besneatte did, the citizens are the top decision makers rather than you.

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Devon’s other remark, not challenged by anyone until now, is that we give “perqs” to large companies while small businesses suffer from the lack of local government largesse.  Would Devon or anyone of his five supporters please give me an example of any fee reduction, tax incentive, or any other “bait” thrown out to induce any company large or small to locate to Dixon or stay here?

 

Let’s see.  We had Home Depot opposed by ACE.  We had Flying J refused when they asked for some relief on EIR costs.  We had Wal-Mart locate here with no disclosure to the public of who they were until they put up the logo.  Kragen’s warehouse left town.  Genentech located here, Cardinal Health, and Gymboree.  Where are the subsidies for any of these?

 

Devon can’t tout free market principles and application while saying we need to give relief to one group but not another.  I have a clue for you.  Lower or rid yourself of fees because you will recoup all of them in sales tax once the companies are in.  It is far better to get a piece of the pie rather than to be whining “where is the pie?”

 

The placement of Devon in this diatribe does not mean I think he is the second most worthless candidate.  I would move him up to a distant third, ahead of Darth Bogue and Dane.  Similar to his adopted mentor, Ron Paul, Devon has a rudimentary to good grasp of economics, it is just the whole package which is missing.

 

Speaking of Dane, I need to examine his contention that the city is not heading back into bankruptcy on his watch.  Self delusion is not to be admired Dane.  Copied directly from the last council meeting’s staff presentation:

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FINANCIAL IMPACT: Based on the previous MOU that has been approved by the City Council (DPOA) and with approval of the Local One MOU, the 2015-16 reserve level is projected at 20.19%, below the targeted level of 25% established by the City Council.

 

In addition to just the wage increases, staff reports that PERS rates, what is charged to the city to fund pensions based on salaries, “have estimated potential increased rates of 4.4% for Miscellaneous Employees and 8.6% for

Public Safety Employees.”  But let’s not stop there.

 

On this week’s council agenda are increases to both the Mid Manager’s wages and public safety Mid Manager’s practically equaling the raises approved at the prior meeting.  First, these are ongoing costs.  Second, this council is putting together “the perfect storm” as they are ignoring additional costs embedded in these contracts such as longevity pay.

 

Just the cost of these two MOU’s alone combined with what was just approved will drop the general fund budget below the 15% amount.  I find it typically unamusing that city staff didn’t bother to put anything in their staff report stating where the reserves will be if these raises are approved unlike the prior meeting’s staff report.  I do find it amusing that these contracts can be reopened for negotiation if our reserves drop below 15%.  By the way, want to bet Scott Pederson doesn’t say a word about any of this at the meeting on Tuesday night?  Don’t worry, Scott, I can carry my own water.

 

The scary thing is Dane touts having a degree in accounting.  I don’t want to hear what you know, I want to hear WHY you are doing something obviously pushing us in the wrong direction.  The fact that both Bogue and Besneatte, the B boys not to be confused with the BOB’s, got the representation issue straight by voting to allow citizens to vote, more or less equalize them with Devon.  The issue of city insolvency pushes them down below him.

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Bogue and his happy horse, or bronze Ram, has given us nothing but a good feeling.  There is no substance in his campaign.  If you are that tired from your run for supervisor, just think of how lousy a job he would have done if he had won.  Oh … wait a minute.  He would have had staff to take some pressure off and he could just have made votes like the rest of the regal ruling royalty.  Thom seems to be presenting an empty well-wrapped gift box.

 

Well it appears the cream has floated to the top.  Some might like to say the final two candidates are more like something floating out at the treatment ponds.  There are none as blind as those who refuse to see.

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Ted Hickman and I are aligned on one thing: we represent each resident of Dixon individually whether we know you or not.  We don’t make decisions on the basis of who is bribing us with campaign contributions or how long you have been our buddy.

 

Our core beliefs are similar too.  Ted endorses the 2nd Amendment, understands what this country is supposed to represent and be, and the wrong direction it is headed.  That is a good start.

 

I know the problems which have to be addressed and which haven’t been addressed in years.  I understand personal freedom.  I also understand you don’t like a water and sewer bill of $200 when it use to be $80 during the summer.

 

Maybe now you understand too.  Make plans to go to Wal-Mart to sign the initiative to roll back sewer rates.  Then give the council one more big slap.

 

Elect Ted to office …

 

 

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September 20th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #533 (9-19-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

“Unrestrained knowledge if allowed to run amuck is a dangerous thing to any group with total control complex”…Ted Hickman

 

Just Back From Denali/Alaska

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My question is: “How did the publisher get the I.V. delivered to me on a cruise ship”? How about that glacier and blue ice?
We were gone for about 12 days and just got back home early Monday night. We spent a couple of days in the Denali National Park and then a seven day cruise to Vancouver to celebrate 50 years of lucky Linda’s marriage to me.

We brought the nastiest virus we’ve ever had home with us. Linda coughed and slept for almost 40 straight hours and I coughed continually for over 35 hours with no sleep…Trust me you don’t want this bug. At the candidate’s night on Wednesday I only shook hands with those I didn’t like.
Anyway I will be doing a feature on the trip shortly. This is a trip everyone should do at least once… Alaska is just simply amazing. This was our second time there. The mountains and the whole state are just BIG. We went into the park by an eight hour train ride and came out on a 10 hour bus ride so we got to see a lot before we ever got to the ship. Didn’t see one trooper in our whole trip.

For Heaven’s Sake

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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.” “Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. “On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a ninth floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”
“I don’t know,” replied the man, “Picture this, I’m stark naked hiding’ in this cedar chest…

 

Some More Things For Thought

 

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Since wine is made from grapes it’s technically accurate to say I do a “fruit juice cleanse” several times a week.

Having an alcoholic blackout is just god’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

Two heads aren’t better than one if they’re both stupid.

Telling someone suffering from depression “just get over it” or “cheer up” is like telling a blind person “just look harder”.

Ever noticed how the nightly news always begins with “good evening”… and then they proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Somebody Cadbury-cream egged our house last night…. I’d be pissed but I’m too busy licking it off the bricks.

Irony… the opposite of wrinkly?

What’s the quickest way to get a girl to drop your pants?… startle her while she’s folding your laundry.

This morning’s meeting on improving communication was cancelled because not everyone knew about it… you just can’t make this crap up.

Some fairy tales begin with “once upon a time”… others with “if I am elected… “

I wonder what blind couples say when their breaking up… “I think we should start touching other people”?

I’m glad McDonalds doesn’t sell hot dogs… I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.

Wanted… call center workers with very poor English, weak communication skills and short tempers. Bonus paid for low IQ.

New from Mattel: Forever alone Barbie… comes with 20 cats and hoarding skills. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

A good friend told me he can’t watch porn with a story line… he gets too involved and worries about the delivery driver getting fired for taking too long.

Growing up my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be… turns out the police label this “identity theft”.

Taco bell sells tacos. Popeye’s chicken sells chicken. In’n Out burger sells burgers. Panda express lies.

What was the best part of the movie Monument Men… well, it was probably when the annoying man behind us went to get popcorn and fell all the way down the aisle.

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the “invisible finger”.

Bin Laden’s last words… “You’re not the pizza guy!”

Our neighbors an interesting fellow. He travels a lot for work and he’s had five vasectomies… his wife still keeps getting pregnant.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that a “chiropractor” is not a real dinosaur.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularinistic wordicisms.

A billion dollar idea… methamphetamine with fluoride.

“Asian gangs”… a new way to refer to study groups.

A friend’s wife just gave him a box of 36 condoms. He laughed and said “a lifetime supply!”… she laughed and said “you’re being optimistic.”

A man stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me to show him how to get to the hospital… so I pushed him under a bus.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have four more legs?

I thought I’d joined a street protest. Suddenly a shot rang out, panic ensued and everyone started running… three hours and one gold medal later I realized it was a marathon.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

Gun Nut or Collector?

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It was recently reported that a southern California man was placed under a 72-hour psychiatric hold as a result of his owning 100 guns and allegedly possessing 100,000 rounds of ammunition, all stored in his home. Apparently the home also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards anyone possessing this much weaponry and ammunition is considered “mentally unstable”.
However, in Michigan he’d be considered “the last white guy living in Detroit”.
In Arizona he’d be simply an “avid gun collector”.
In Arkansas they’d refer to him as “a novice gun enthusiast”.
In Utah he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they would withhold final judgment until they had determined if he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
Kansans would refer to him as “a guy down the road you would want to have for a friend”.
In Montana he’d be referred to as “the neighborhood ‘go to’ guy”.
In Alabama a “likely gubernatorial candidate”.
In Georgia an “eligible bachelor”.
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi. Tennessee, South Carolina, and Kentucky a “deer hunting buddy”.
And in Texas he’d just be “bubba, who’s a little short on ammo.”

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September 20th 2014
Knowledge Is A Powerful Weapon

Posted under That's Life Columns

wwwwmike

Mike  “The Bulldog” Ceremello

 

Tuesday night’s planning commission meeting again proved what I have been saying all along in spades.  While I had stated the city of Dixon is business unfriendly, I should probably expand on that and say there are certain members of city staff who are business unfriendly.  I told you about the staff culture which must change.

 

How do you tell Burger King that their corporate trademark signs, such as “the home of the whopper” and “have it your way” shouldn’t be accepted?  That was one condition of approval for their remodel of the business on Stratford Avenue.  The larger issue for me was when Burger King wanted to put a mural on the side of their building and the city hall chowder heads told them it wouldn’t be allowed because it was part of the signage allotment and it exceeded their limit.  What?

 

It’s a flipping painting, Justin, not a logo, saying, or whatever.  As staff simply rejected it, rather than present it to the commissioners, none of them knew what it was nor asked the question “exactly what is it?”  Well this is what Jack Batchelor wants from his appointees: blind acceptance of staff’s outrageous rejections or demands.  Despite the commissioners not getting this one, not much else they did do this night was wrong.

 

Once again Joe Duffel brought a plan to build apartments in an area zoned for something else.  The fact that not once, but twice, prior bodies said no to the concept, the new owner of land south of Lincoln on North First Street and north of Dependable Heating and Air asked again.  The predominant theme of rejection was homeowners had bought expecting a certain thing to be built behind their homes and this was not it.  Too bad these people weren’t on the commission when Chuck Krouse first destroyed the 1993 general plan for this area by duping the Queen and her mouth piece as this was the same logic I used at that time.

 

Who determines what our city will look like?  Is it a group of citizens who work for a considerable amount of time on the plan while comprising the General Plan Advisory Committee or a developer out to make a fast buck by buying a property on the cheap because of its zoning, then switching the zoning to something of higher value?  If you have been in Dixon any length of time, I think you know the answer.

 

A third item on the commission’s agenda was the expansion of the landscaping outfit on H Street called Dixon Landscape Supply owned by Parmjit Hansra.  Business is so good that additional pallets of material plus outdoor bins for rock are needed.  So what does associate planner Justin Hardy recommend for conditions on this one?  He wants slats in cyclone fencing to provide an easel for graffiti artists.  Seems there is some concern that passing freight trains might be offended by the sight of material on the site.  It’s a flippin’ industrial area.

 

Then there is a problem with drainage identified by Dan Figueroa.  The proposed solution was to collect it next to the tracks where it will accumulate due to a 2 foot differential between their property and the property to the south then pump it west to North First Street.  The new core area drain line is south of this property.  Why isn’t there an inlet and hookup to it toward the south where gravity flow could take the place of pumps?

 

I find it very illuminating to see these picayune requirements and inane denials being forced on businesses.  Do we really need a condition calling for the wetting down of dust in their yard if they have been doing this as part of their business all along?  I have seen large murals under overpasses and in the old downtown area of Hayward depicting life in the late 1800’s.  Bud’s has the Dixon Down’s painting hanging on his building.  What is the difference?

 

When Justin stated he rejected two different hues of red as “clashing” for Burger King, I thought to myself who is he to determine that accenting a building with two different hues of the same color is inappropriate?  Guess we don’t need Yvonne McCluskey’s aesthetic prowess when we now have her second coming in the form of Justin Hardy.

 

What still bothers me is the way the owner of the property feels he has to cave in to the demands of these amateur interior, or exterior, decorators.  I am sure Burger King hires well paid designers and architects.  Besides, they pay for the project, not those at city hall who are frankly demonstrating quite well while few new businesses want to locate here and their true worth in this system of control.

* * * * *

blabby blond moving

I read Debra Dingman’s dingy column in the Tribune after someone told me she was whining about her poor baby, Devon, having to “endure the slings and arrows” of editorial opinion writers of this paper.  She ends her rant by telling us all to come to the candidates’ night forum to “see how he stands on his own grown up feet”.  Evidently Debra doesn’t see the paradox of her defense while claiming he can stand up for himself.

 

There were no “vile” words about Devon in either this column or Ted Hickman’s.  If your son can’t handle statements of observation corroborated by your own actions, he shouldn’t be running for office.  As he has not complained and seems to understand quite well the political process, it might be best for all concerned if Debra cut the psychological umbilical cord and let Devon achieve manhood on his own.

 

I listened to Devon’s responses at the forum and found many of them quite good … for a rookie.  It also seems he is wondering what his nickname will be.  One suggestion was “the Kid” which I already had given to Victoria Coppes.  I would point out that Victoria’s father Greg never found it necessary to run interference for his daughter when I criticized her with facts.

 

Devon hasn’t struck any discordant chords of any substance necessitating any mocking to this point.  I also make allowances for youth unless there is a reticence to rethinking your viewpoints when presented with facts.  I haven’t seen that in Devon but his history is young.  Dane Besneatte, on the other hand, needs a good whoopin’.

 

As I said in my closing statement, I don’t capitulate nor do I compromise.  I understand that I am competing with Dane for a council seat so I don’t take his political election hyperbole as anything but what it is he feels will help to get himself re-elected.  Dane feels he could bring parties to a consensus and was the swing vote on prior councils.  No, Dane, Darth Bogue was the swing vote and he threw us under the bus a couple of times.

 wwwwpissed off

Dane’s final statement was “if you want the meetings to last past midnight, vote for Mike”.  We have seen your votes, your arguments, and your defiance of logic all in the name of “getting along”.  Dane claims I had little to do with balancing the budget but always wants to remind me it takes three votes to get the job done.  Delusion, self or chemically induced, can be a wonderful thing when reality frightens you.

 

I don’t believe in doing less than what is right, throwing the other side a bone when they are wrong, or belaboring a point.  If all your doing is going along to get along, you are doing the citizens a disfavor.  Dane doesn’t want to fight, not the city, not the State, nor a Federal government violating its own chief doctrine of law.  Dane says he does, but the bottom line proves differently.

wwwwdarth

Next on the “hit” parade, we have Mr. Positive, Darth Bogue.  Somehow Thom has come to the mistaken conclusion he can get more with honey than vinegar.  Sorry, Boss, but I don’t see a whole lot of anything coming from your redefining yourself.  I heard a lot of words, but that is all they were and are.  If this council was too dumb for simpler options for the wastewater treatment plant such as bacteriological solutions and chemical solutions such as ferrate, what makes you think “plasma” will get any more play simply because you say it with a smile on your face?  But you go for it Bogey …

 

I found it truly interesting that Scott Pederson not only doesn’t have any knowledge of his present job and capabilities as city treasurer, but has even less about the well documented history, which Scott evidently intends to rewrite, of the wastewater treatment facility.  Tell me, Scott, is the city budget a public document?

 

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Scott tells us he could not weigh in as the city treasurer due to his deference to the council on their incompetent and erroneous decisions.  Do you not know how to make statements of fact, based on the actual figures provided, and give advice to these nincompoops whether accepted or not?  Perhaps you think as an elected official the public should likewise respect your poorly thought out positions or illogic and just accept them?  So the only reason you come to council meetings as treasurer is to tell the community what public events you attended?  Damn!!

 

So that leaves me with poor, sick Ted.  Mr. Hickman got a version of ebola in Alaska it seems.  You need to know, Ted, that some in the audience didn’t find it all that humorous that you repeatedly asked to have questions repeated.  I can understand the confusion of candidates not answering questions as posed and morphing them into something more suitable to their political direction.  Knowing Ted’s experience, both on the council and professionally, I seriously doubt he didn’t know what was going on.

 

My insight is Ted is still the superior candidate for one reason: Ted is beholden to none.  Zero based budgeting is a solid concept.  While Pederson talks about forming committees to study why business isn’t coming to Dixon, Ted already knows the answer as do I.

 

I had an interview with the Solano County Board of Realtors.  They were truly amazed that I would say I didn’t want their endorsement nor money from them.  When asked why I was there for the interview, I stated the same thing I have been saying all along.  “I serve only one master and that master is the citizens of Dixon.  I need only their endorsement through their votes.  I came to this interview to get your thoughts on Dixon and what needs to change.”

2011 Ted #1&2

 

Ted has said his intention was never to get elected.  Sorry, Ted, but you are going to get elected if we have to drag you kicking and screaming to your seat on the dais.  The citizens of Dixon need someone besides myself to fight for them in this, their hour of need.

 

None of the other four, including two current councilmen, are obstinate enough to get the job done.  We have seen the change since I left the council, the union invaded it along with Rot-Ary beautiful people, and my two compadres not only went over to the dark side but caved in where they wouldn’t have before.

 

I should be highly flattered by this perverse proof of my political prowess but I am not.  Having little or no ego, I am only concerned that the best be done for the population of Dixon.  Even with Ted and I, it will be difficult to impossible to return government to serving the people.

 

However I can wait two years … or less …

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September 15th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #532 (9-12-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Dogs have owners…Cats have staff.

 

A Special Place In Hell…

 wwwwpissed off

            A few days ago some person in this local area showed just how cruel humans can be.  Some jerk apparently threw a very little kitten out on east Midway Road. It was sitting in the middle of the road when the car our granddaughter was riding in came up on it. It was sitting on the middle line about to be run over. They stopped, called it, and it came running and jumped into the car. It had a road rash on its face apparently from being thrown out of a moving car. It also was likely a little girl’s pet. The poor little thing had fleas so bad it had a bleeding ring around its neck. They took it home, bathed it and hand picked out the fleas and nursed it wounds… the question remains what kind of an absolute loser would do something like this. Had just about anyone in my family seen this happen it would have ended badly for the a**hole who did it.

Once again, you stupid inbreds that take unwanted animals out in the country and drop them off need to be found an arrested. Thinking a domestic animal will suddenly revert to a wild animal and survive it below stupidity. Rural folks, ranchers and farmers see the result of this intellect (or lack of it) all of the time. If you have an unwanted pet call the pound, SPCA, PETA, etc. They will find a place for them.

 

cat 2010

If anyone observes one of these lazy cowards forcing a family pet out of the car or throwing one out the window get the license number and call the police and make them deal with scum.  We had seen a family pet forced out of a vehicle and the poor thing ran after its family until it dropped exhausted. You could tell by its eyes it just couldn’t fathom what was happening or why. We have also found abandoned dogs just lying curled up in the heat or cold, not moving, apparently waiting for their family to come back and get them. Dropped off animals don’t know how to fend for themselves. Dogs will search for food and water and if they wander into livestock there will be problems. They will starve to death or die of dehydration. Cats will get run over or starve to death or die of thirst…none of these deaths are anything you would want to see. Who in their right mind would think a litter of newborn puppies or kittens could possibly survive by being dropped on out in the country… I’d sure like to be there when Karma comes knocking.

 

zzzzdog

Our two sons live on ranches about 10 miles from Dixon, one to the west and the other to the east. They and their neighbors see the results of human stupidity on a regular basis. BTW…You wouldn’t want either of them to see you dump an unwanted house pet…they will, at the least, call law enforcement and they will testify.

 

True Local Soccer Story

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            As many of our readers know I try to ride a bike around the north part of town a little each day, a ride that includes Northwest Park. I happened upon a Dixon soccer coach as he sat down one of his players during a recent game. He said, “Do you understand what cooperation is…what a team is?” The boy nodded his head.

“Do you understand that what really counts is that we play together as a team?” Again the boy nodded. “So,” the coach continued, “When a foul is called, or not called, you don’t argue, curse or attack the referee. You get all of that son?” The boy nodded for the third time.

“Good,” the coach said, ‘Now go over there and explain this to your mother and father.”

 

Why Teachers Drink

 

2014 Smikley - Copy

The following questions were set in last year’s GED exam.   THESE are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .

 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head

 

More Things for Thought

So I’m driving thru the farmland around Dixon and I see a sign that says “pecans ahead”… typical.  They couldn’t just say “restrooms ahead”?

 

“It’s pronounced ‘por-shah’ not ‘por-shhh… ok, got it, doo-shah.

 

I’m probably going to be losing my job soon because of illness and fatigue… the boss is sick and tired of me.

 

In most beauty parlors the gossip alone would curl your hair.

 

The Bachelor is just so fake, their all there just to try and get into acting and it’s just bullcrap… let’s watch wrestling.

 

I just spent 15 minutes calculating my BMI and I just realized I should be 27-feet tall.

 

Last night he slept for six hours straight… and one hour gay.

 

And on the eighth day He said “Oh, I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”

 

The only way an ice cream sandwich could get any better is if it was shaped like a boob.

 

When you’re feeling down park in a handicapped place… soon a whole flock of strangers will be telling you there’s nothing wrong with you!

 

The LA Times is already calling dibs on the “Brazilians Waxed” headline.

 

I’ve given up the dream of my youth to have a “beach body”… now I just occupy my recliner and have a “central air body”.

 

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago… I shot my broker.

 

My psychiatrist keeps saying we need to work on my intimacy issues… then refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

 

Sometimes words just don’t suffice… which is why we have middle fingers.

 

The bad news is they said they couldn’t hire me… but the good news is they said my background check was hilarious.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s most famous line actually originated during a summer job with Wal-Mart… someone asked where the light bulbs were and he said “AISLE B, BACK”. 

 

The three hardest things to deal with… seeing your mother cry, having the love of your life fall in love with someone else, and slow internet.

 

Sharks really aren’t the bad guys they get made out to be… if some guy wearing nothing but a Speedo showed up in my home I’d attack him too.  

 

When I was a kid I liked Jack in the Box… now as an adult I prefer my Jack in the bottle.

 

If your wife ever says “hey, guess what!” you better already have your super-excited blown-away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

 

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

 

I saw an Indian asleep on the bus this morning then noticed the little red dot on his forehead and wondered… is he on standby?

 

How did Hitler tie his shoes… in knotsis!

 

I want to open a donut shop… and call it Hole Foods.

 

I will be forever disappointed that a group of squids is not called a squad.

 

Have you ever noticed how a cat just sits there and stares at you… like you owe them money?

 

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 ounce beer… cuz’ I want fun people to find me.

 

Bought an ice cream cake today and the kid at Baskin Robbins told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it would melt otherwise… damn!  I really have to start dressing smarter.

 

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September 15th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #531 (9-5-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

When you get the opportunity ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin”? … Both “yes” and “no” are equally entertaining answers.

 

My Take On The Council Election

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For what it’s worth here’s my take on the way the upcoming Dixon city council election in NOVEMBER shakes out. The two incumbents, Bassenette and Bogue I backed when they ran for office four years ago must be kicked to the curb. Their ride is over for voting for the sewage and water rate increases, the stupid $7 million dollar hole, the free developer rides. One even used his vice mayor title to try and help get an accused child molester out of trouble… They forget why they were elected and are asking the public to make the same mistake twice… Don’t think that’s gonna happen. They should have just let well enough alone and become non-candidates.

 First is the current city treasurer, Pederson, who seems to be well qualified and a nice guy but WAS NOT ELECTED TO HIS ELECTIVE POSITION. He instead was appointed by the remaining three council members that many in the public (as many as 1,500 people) want recalled. They of course are openly backing him to solidify the council with a solid fourth vote… so he’s out. Then you have a teenager Minnema, who thinks he has all the answers and has his mom pulling his strings… the two, mom and sonny, are barley qualified to run their own lives no less help run this city. That leaves Mike Ceremello which gives the ruling three man cartel stomach aches and chest pains at just the thought of having him BACK ON THE DIAS. He has been elected before.

            Every governmental body needs a Ceremello. He makes the rest of the council and the city staff work and earn their keep. He won’t be receiving the endorsements of the unions, the city employees, the firefighters union and the police department union, the Rotary Club or Chamber of Commerce or DDBA…do you need any more reasons to vote for him?

He does his homework and makes others do theirs. He comes to meetings prepared and holds others accountable for their statements and opinions. He works FOR the taxpayers and voters and has nothing personal to gain by any of his actions… still need more reasons to vote for him? He is usually right on his championed causes for the taxpayers AND IS PRO BUSINESS AND PRO PERSONAL FREEDOM.

wwwwmike

 

That leaves only one other candidate and like Mike, I will not have the support of any group, business, union or take any financial contributions so my chances of being elected AGAIN are between pretty slim and none… once the bucks start flowing.  Both Ceremello (four years) and I (12 years) have been elected to the council and served before. We know what goes where and why and no one can pressure either of us one way or the other. I’m the candidate that people want to vote for when they are thinking “none of the above” (or in my case, none of the below since I’m first on the ballot). We sure as hell aren’t running as a team we can’t even agree whether to meet for lunch… he’s stubborn.

When  the bedroom voters start getting the slick union paid mailers, the hit pieces, phone calls and the precinct walkers etc. they may well be swayed by the smoke screen… but then again maybe not.  Look at who’s paying for these huge expensive signs, mailers, postage, etc. and you will see whose soul was sold to what devil.

Word of mouth and just being fed up with incumbents may present some surprises to the group that has flushed the voters and taxpayers down their (now our) $30,000,000 toilet solution… Now you have my take. The choice is yours, just make it with your eyes and ears open. The voters bought the big money B.S. last election but they may not make the same mistakes again. In about two years (or less) the voters may complete the clean sweep of all five who betrayed the public trust on at least five major issues…What can the incumbents say? I wouldn’t want to be them in the candidate’s forums… Ceremello will ask the hard questions and what he doesn’t cover I will. They should have let the voters decide on the sewage issue. I believe the voters would have approved either their current plan or one like it… but you just don’t tell 1,500 petition signing people they aren’t smart enough to make the right decision on a complex issue and not let them vote… make you wonder if some major 30 million dollar paybacks weren’t involved huh?

How would you like to be on the city council and have to deal with me or Mike on a regular basis? Unrestrained knowledge if allowed to run amuck is a dangerous thing to any group with total control. If I were them I would work extra hard to see that doesn’t happen… and I’m sure they will. Since I don’t plan to win I have nothing to lose. They can’t intimidate us, we can’t be bought or sold and we are financially independent from any of the vices they can tighten. I would keep them honest, stop their payback favors and let the chips fall where they may. To get elected now days without the support of the unions and the big buck concerns is just about an impossibility… but stranger things have happened I guess.

 

For Heaven’s Sake...

 2014 Love

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.”    “Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. “On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”   The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a ninth floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”
“I don’t know,” replied the man, “Picture this, I’m stark naked hiding’ in this cedar chest…

 

More Things For Thought

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There is, of course, no “I” in team… however, there is a “u” in stupid.

 Marriage is like wine… it improves with age but it also makes you say things you regret.

When the wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse, it shows I’m my own man… who, BTW, is badly sunburned.

After several pitchers of margaritas with the wife and her girlfriend I said I thought a three-way would be fun… they gave me a light bulb.

While driving thru the country around Dixon I ran over a huge rooster.  I went to the farmer Joel’s house and said “I killed your rooster.  I’d like to replace him.”… he said, “Suit yourself the hens are out back.”

 If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something sneaky… if you see me laughing I’ve already done it.

It’s unfortunate that this miserable job that just sucks the life out of me doesn’t also suck the fat out of my butt.

The toughest part of my day is trying to get the cork out of my dinner.

If the camera adds 10 pounds as they say… exactly how many cameras were aimed at your butt in that picture?

The wife told me she takes baths because it’s just too hard to drink wine in the shower.

People don’t change… it was just fortunate that I started out awesome.

I just witnessed a co-worker eat a cupcake with no frosting on it… what kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

What is this World Cup… and can I drink from it?

I’m skipping dinner tonight and just having a salad, a fruit salad.  mostly just grapes. well, actually all grapes… in a cup… ok.  I’m just drinking wine for dinner.

This young lady of low morals here in town told me she never votes in any election… she doesn’t care who gets in.

Those hot air blowing bathroom hand dryers are amazing… if you want to kill a few minutes before drying your hands on your pants.  

Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there?

I’ve never really had a nickname… except for that one time a bunch of chumps called me “the defendant” for a couple of days.

 You take the “oxy” out of oxymoron.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance thru aggressive hair combing.

My wife asked me “if you ever won the lottery would you still love me?”… I said “of course I would.  I’d miss you… but I’d still love you.”

Successful friendships must be built on a solid foundation of sarcasm, inappropriateness, alcohol and shenanigans.

Why am I up at 3:52AM? because the wife had to pee and apparently that requires two lights and a conversation.

Donald, be careful….Donald, watch out! Donald, look out! Donald Duck!

I don’t think I’d mind being one of Santa’s elves slaving away in the toy shop… as long as I was assigned to the anatomically correct life-sized Kate Upton doll division.

If monogamy is sex with one person… what’s origami?

The wife told me I was more than enough man for her… now I’m pissed ‘cuz I think she called me fat.

At this point it’s apparent there are several things safer than flying Malaysian Airlines… badger juggling, heroin enemas and Ebola to name just a few.

 

 

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August 29th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #530 (8-29-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #530 (8-29-14)*

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

With A Stronger earthquake Here, What Happens?

2014earthquake 

               One of my terms on the city council was during the Coalinga earthquake I think and I questioned what would happen, in a like situation, to our high school and the whole brick and mortar downtown areas. A half assed study was ordered and the results said basically the whole un-re-enforced downtown and the high school would collapse into a heap. I said, “We need to get his fixed and people need to know about it.” I was told to retro-fit would be too expensive but the high school complex was later closed because of this. The unreinforced downtown area, as far as I know, will still fold like a deck of cards if we take a strong or direct hit. There are faults between here and Vacaville and here and Winters. Needs to be looked into don’t you think…or a sign put up…  “Visit the downtown area at your own risk”? What’s your city council done?

My first wife Linda happened to be up during the early Sunday shaker and said all of the wind chimes chimed, the fish bowl rocked, and the hanging stuff all over the house swayed. I slept. Both sons 10 miles from town in both the east and west directions felt it. Our rescue dog was un-characteristically restless and wouldn’t sit, laydown, or do anything but pace and go up and down the furniture and kind of whine from like 11 p.m. until about 2 and beyond I guess.  She was restless to the point where I even told Linda I wondered if an earthquake was coming… interesting huh?

 

 2014me

 My city council candidacy of last resort turns another odd turn when the ballot came out with my name in the number one position and we had lunch at Asian gardens. After a reasonable and tasty meal I got a fortune that read, “You will take a chance in the future, and win…” Don’t that beat all?

 

2014asian

 2014fortune

            Speaking of Asian Gardens, we took my 90 year-old mother-in-law to the Buckhorn to have one of Tommy’s famous Lamb burgers. She never liked lamb, like us, but tried it like we did and found it to be delicious. If you’ve never had his cooking ignore the lack of ambience and go to the Buckhorn for lunch… The guy is a trained chef and even his simple meals are a gourmet treat. The beer joint appears to be the last place to find a great cook and a good meal can be had but it is…He also caters and I’ve never heard a complaint about his food from any of his catered affairs.

           2014buds - Copy 2014buckhorn - Copy

Speaking of lamb, Bud’s downtown serves not only great lamb (like Tommy’s it doesn’t taste like lamb) but a mean chili burger. I’m not writing this for locals, they all know this about Bud’s and Tommy. I’m putting this out there for all of you in the bedroom community who never get to these places. Do yourself a favor and try any of the three…If you don’t think its great let me know. There’s some great fresh food locally with meats right from the slaughterhouse. You owe it to yourself to try some…trust me.

 

 

Saw A Roadrunner…

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            We were deer/pig hunting early Monday morning just outside of Williams about an hour from home on a 9,000 acre ranch. Saw a bunch of pigs (on property we couldn’t hunt of course), squirrels, a coyote and some dove. Not a deer so Linda’s tag goes unfilled for another year I guess. The cool highlight of the morning was a road runner popping out in front of us on a dirt road and then scampering down the road a bit and then off into a field. I knew there were some near Indian Valley reservoir and had seen a couple there years ago but this one was a surprise… Seriously first we saw a coyote and then the roadrunner…No, nothing from Acme; no beep-beep either.

 

  • The roadrunner is uniquely suited to a desert environment by a number of physiological and behavioral adaptations:
  • Its carnivorous habits offer it a large supply of very moist food. It reabsorbs water from its feces before excretion. Rattlesnakes Are part of its diet. Because of its lightening quickness, the roadrunner is one of the few animals that preys upon rattlesnakes. Using its wings like a matador’s cape, it snaps up a coiled rattlesnake by the tail, cracks it like a whip and repeatedly slams its head against the ground till dead.
  • A nasal gland eliminates excess salt, instead of using the urinary tract like most birds.
  • It reduces its activity 50% during the heat of midday.
    Its extreme quickness allows it to snatch a humming bird or dragonfly from midair.

 

Kaiser Caught…

 2014 dentist - Copy

            …Kaiser Permanente has been caught in a misdeed of their own doing. My wife first Linda received a letter in the mail saying it was time for her annual dental check-up. She, like many many others, pays $20 a month on the senior advantage plan for dental insurance of sorts. So she goes to this dentist in Vacaville that was on the Kaiser approved list. They took X-rays, didn’t even look in her mouth, didn’t have her teeth cleaned and gave her a “proposed treatment plan” in the amount of $4,057.00. Perplexed she came out to the car and told me about it and said they wanted a $10 co-pay on top of the insult. I told her to tell them to stick their co-pay where the sun don’t shine…I don’t think she did that. But she didn’t pay the co-pay.

We get home and she’s telling her 90 year old mother about it and her mom said that’s why she hasn’t had her teeth cleaned or any dental work done that she needed for a couple of years. Another office on the approved on the same Alamo Dr. gave her a proposed bill for over $7,000. She said she was afraid to go back and did nothing.

I had them both go to my friend Dr. Jim Sanderson who looked at the reports and said, “Everything they have in the reports COULD be done…does it all have to be done now?  No, I don’t think so.” He was our family dentist and still is for most of the family but when we had to drop Dental Dental and go with Kaiser he wasn’t on their approved list.

My concern is for all of the seniors out there on Medi-care who have Kaiser and have been forced to pay these folks thinking that Kaiser stands behind this and this work must be done.

I asked Kaiser for someone to make a statement about this and hit a stone wall saying it’s not really part of Kaiser’s Insurance plan but they just offer it as a kind of service. B.S. They charge the seniors $20 a month for this “service” and then they still have to pay a “co-pay”.

My advice is to save your $240 year and go to your local dentist and tell them you are on a limited budget and see what you can work out… but whatever you do don’t neglect your dental health because it can affect your overall health as well. You can also call Kaiser and tell them where to stick their dental plan. Oh, and on the proposed work sheet it shows Kaiser paying nothing towards treatment.

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More Food For Thought

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Saying touché makes you sound like a douche.

I just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth… probably explains why he’s homeless.

My wife treats me like a God… when things are going to crap she needs me and then when things are going well she forgets about me.  

I can sing like Frank Sinatra and have the brains of Einstein… I think that’s why the girls call me Frankenstein.

You know the meeting HR held to improve employee morale has gone completely to hell when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

Would someone please help me with my “pope resume”… so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats”.

I exercise by jogging up the street going to every door and knocking and then moving on… I call it “Jehovah’s fitness”.

In all accuracy “The Never Ending Story” should have been a movie about a phone call from my mother.

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away… seems a bit farfetched too me.

Whoever said “there’s nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

I have a great deal of respect for strippers… it’s hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.

My 10-year old grandson just told me that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now… I think I need a drink.

Children’s alphabet books are the only thing preventing us from completely forgetting what a xylophone is.

Watching my mother-in-law ordering at Starbuck’s is like watching a drunk gorilla trying to start a car with a French fry.

Location is truly important.  If you’re at the grocery store rapping your knuckles on the melons searching for a good one is acceptable… at a strip club? Not so much.

Plumbing is a respectable job and pays well… the worst part is getting up at the butt-crack of dawn.

The one thing I learned from watching the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.

The human male body is approximately 60-65% water… so I’m not fat, just well hydrated.

Doe, a deer, a female deer… Ray, a hunter with a gun…

I hate it when I’m mentally undressing a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

If you don’t believe in providing condoms to high school students just take away their toothbrush and deodorant… that should cut down on teen pregnancy.

Consumer Reports has published a list of things one shouldn’t buy used such as children’s car seats, plasma TV’s and vacuum cleaners… I’m surprised the top two on the list aren’t toilet paper and condoms.

We were watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra perform and halfway thru the guy on the triangle disappeared.

I took the grandkids to the waterpark and when a summer storm hit and it started to rain they began to cry ‘cuz they were getting wet… this is why I drink.

There’s a billboard advertising “Complete cremation $785.25″… this begs two questions. 1) is there incomplete cremation and 2) what’s the 25 cents for?

Birth control decisions should be a private matter between a woman, a large corporation and/or federal, state and local officials.

I found myself walking behind a guy with a tattoo on the back of his head that read… “If you can read this the Rogaine isn’t working”.

Sometimes I wish I had a butt so firm it could crack walnuts… but then I think how often do I eat walnuts?

Early mornings are great for spending time with family… and then they screw it up by waking up.

Historians studying religious mores of the middle ages have found documents recognizing farting as the eighth deadly sin. However seven was deemed to be a more auspicious number so the decision was made to cut one.  

zzaaa

 

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August 29th 2014
Have You Had Enough Yet?

Posted under That's Life Columns

wwwwmikeMike Ceremello

 

I have considered all of the alternatives in the council race for this year.  I have come to the conclusion that Ted Hickman is the best candidate despite my prior objections.

 

Ted doesn’t steal candidate’s political signs although someone took his down at the corner of A and Pitt School.  Ted has principles, right or wrong in my eyes, from which he won’t back down.  However, Ted’s biggest positive is he won’t stand for Jack Batchelor’s flim flam, Casteñon’s sound bytes, or Steve Bird’s verbal bullying.  This will be worth the price of admission alone, if you had to pay that is to watch the coming debacles.

 

Thom Bogue and Dane Besneatte have gone along with the others’ poor arguments and the mayor’s cajoling.  Scott Pedersen has shown nothing as a treasurer, not even treasurer reports on the balance of funds in various accounts, and Devon Minnema has turned into a paid shill for an out of town developer, at least according to the rumors which I will confirm or rebut if he declares all of his donors on his first scheduled report.

 

I have mused about Devon’s transgression and really don’t find it all that egregious.  If Devon is a true libertarian, he believes in property rights.  However, if this is true, Devon must also be against zoning because it limits what you can do with the property you own.  Dixon isn’t Houston.  I have not heard Devon call for eliminating zoning.  As a matter of fact, I haven’t heard Devon call for anything benefitting all residents of Dixon.

 

We have just finished experiencing what voting for union endorsed jerks and big monied campaigns gets you.  I am sure you are all happy with the Jack Hole, doubled water rates, doubled sewer rates, ignored sound ordinances, a wastewater solution which solves nothing and a council which blindly supports “trusting staff”.  I am not one of you in that case.

 Copy of 10a

Let’s start with the lie of the Jack Hole.  Batchelor touted its beneficence during his council comments.  He spoke of meeting the vice mayor’s family in the well lit tunnel.  What he failed to mention are its shut down due to the steps not being ADA compliant, the graffiti on the hand rails, and the graffiti five members of staff were seen removing less than 8 hours after his tour.  In addition, the city is paying an additional $19,000 for additional call buttons and video cameras.  If it is all that safe and well lit, why are they needed?

 

Shortly after this we had a public hearing on an “urgency ordinance” to force citizens to reduce their consumption of water during this drought.  The only problem is the legality of using an urgency ordinance to bypass the normal lengthy time of passage.  According to section 65858 of the government code, you can’t do what the city council did as urgency ordinances can only be used in “prohibiting any uses that may be in conflict with contemplated general plan, specific plan, or zoning proposal”.  Restricting your use of water has nothing to do with anything related to these.

 

In addition, that code section also states that there is a forty five day effective period initially followed by two alternatives.  It can be renewed for 10 months and 15 days, followed by another renewal for a year or a renewal of 22 months and 15 days.  The council chose to follow the State Water Board’s prohibition period of 270 days.  This is illegal.  Legality takes a back seat to listening to and “trusting staff” for this council.

 

Another section of the same code calls for “the legislative body shall not adopt or extend any interim ordinance pursuant to this section unless the ordinance contains legislative findings that there is a current and immediate threat to the public health, safety, or welfare, and that the approval of additional subdivisions, use permits, variances, building permits, or any other applicable entitlement for use which is required in order to comply with a zoning ordinance would result in that threat to public health, safety, or welfare.

 

I must have been sleeping because I don’t believe you need a “use permit” to turn on your home’s water system and none of this applies to currently built and occupied residences.  I checked the proposed ordinance’s language and the legislative findings did not delineate any specific “current or immediate” threat, just vague references to the State’s ability to manage water in a drought circumstance.

 

This is not my only complaint about how this ordinance came to be accepted by the dunderheads vacantly occupying prime property on the dais.  Jack predisposes the remainder of the council to accepting kowtowing to the State by saying “I know there has been reluctance in the past” to passing urgency ordinances.  There should have been this time too.

 

From the city’s own slides the results of two rate increases of 100% and 10% were shown in a decrease in water consumption of 26% for two periods at the beginning of this year and an 8% drop in the summer months.  This ordinance was not needed because the citizens of Dixon have already achieved what the State is demanding.  But wait.  There is more.

 

There is now a daily infraction penalty of $500 per day when you irrigate your landscape and the water runs off onto the sidewalk or neighboring property.  While Jack initially said he didn’t want the penalty in the ordinance, when Dane questioned whether it could be pulled out, Jack said nothing as city attorney Doug White stated it couldn’t.  So now when my neighbor, ex-city manager Warren Salmons, automatically waters his lawn and due to the slope there is runoff, I will be calling the code enforcement officer to have him cited.  Better not water more than twice a week either, because that is also in the ordinance.

 

My question of random enforcement, emphasized by a quote from the late Frank Zappa, “America is a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced”, was answered by the hesitancy of the council to have penalties and their admission of not having enough “water police” to do the job.  If you are a member of the political opposition to those currently in power, I can guarantee you a citation.  If you are one of the “beautiful people”, former staff, a supporter or all of the above, you will be ignored.

 

As Dane made the comment that I was arguing with myself and Thom told me he couldn’t understand my points, the same ones I have made here, I thought I would put them down in writing so both of them can contemplate and understand the illegality and non-necessity of what they approved.  My bet is neither of them will understand this as Dane proved he doesn’t read material supplied while questioning the time period for displaying candidate signs and Thom doesn’t care what the code is any more than he cared to understand the Williamson Act while meeting with farmers.

 

In case you want to know why Jack really was pushing to have this done, all you have to do is look at page 4 of 5 in the staff report.  Jack denied this existed by shaking his head “no” as he often does when I expose him for his venality.  “Though the city of Dixon is not considered an urban water supplier, the city anticipates preparation of a water conservation plan in the near future as a conditional requirement to obtain Clean Water State Revolving Fund (SRF) loan funds for the wastewater treatment facility improvements project … Discussion with the SRF staff has indicated that disbursement of construction funds will be contingent on the submittal of a water conservation plan.

 

In other words, if you refuse to go along with the State forcing further conservation on your citizens, we won’t give you the funds to build your worthless, do nothing, project even though we have agreed to it.  If Dixon had claimed, and rightly so, that we have already conserved over 20% and no more is needed, we would not get the loan.  Spin it any way you want Jack but the facts are the facts.

 

I find it truly amazing that the State waits two months after the end of the rainy season and more than six months after it was a foregone conclusion that California was in a drought to come up with this regulation.  Another two months and we will be back into the rain season.  You want to force people to cut back?  Simply raise rates again.  That is the only water conservation plan you need.

 

Speaking of idiocy, we also see “government being made a joke” by the actions of the Solano County Board of Supervisors.  It seems that they want to declare a “state of emergency” for the whole county as a result of the recent Napa earthquake which caused “minor damage” to county facilities with county officials being “advised” that more than 70 buildings within the city of Vallejo having substantial damage.  Any time these rats smell “free cheese”, they rush to get to the head of the line for federal funds.

 

There is a reason for any local or county agency to maintain “reserves” and that reason isn’t to balance a deficit budget.  You use reserves for unexpected circumstances.  It is not the responsibility of county government to cover private property losses or involve themselves in city issues.  Linda Seifert needs to head to Napa to understand what real damage is.  You don’t go to the hospital because you have a painful hangnail, you go if you need your appendix removed.

 

What ever happened to self reliability?  What about personal responsibility in having insurance?  I suppose if Vallejo burnt to the ground and the majority of property owners had no fire insurance, that it is the responsibility of the Federal government to come in and make everyone whole?  We have elected lunatics and the lunatics just got a 10% raise in salary.

 

The system is rotten from the base on up.  We have a council who can’t say no, don’t know how to say no, and don’t know why to say no.  All of these officials believe that restricting the rights of citizens and forcing us to act in certain ways is necessary because we can’t think for ourselves.

 

Maybe the time has come for the Ted and Mike show.  We certainly will never see change without it …

ZZZZZZTEDDY

 

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August 22nd 2014
That’s Life©1966 #529 (8-22-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

*I’m beginning to think that adult supervision is a myth… if anything my eyes seem to be getting worse.

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City of Dixon – 2014 Candidates’ Ballot Order

Ted and Obama 2014

Looks like I lied again, I’m getting better at it. I told everyone I would be the vote for: “none of the above” candidate on the November ballot and for the first time the California Secretary of State pulls my name out to be the first one on the official ballot. Now when you vote for me it is vote for: “none of the below.” It was an honest lie really, who knew? Listed below are all the players, contact them at your own risk. Before the absentee ballots start to be returned I will let you know your options. The other candidates can do the same I guess but what can they say. The incumbents can say nothing that can help them and the others can only spew rehashed babble.

 

Office: Name: Contact Information:

City Council Hickman, Ted Tedhick@gmail.com

City Council Pederson, Scott electscottpederson@hotmail.com

City Council Bogue, Thom firstchoicesouth@sbcglobal.net

City Council Besneatte, Dane danebesneatte@sbcglobal.net

City Council Ceremello, Michael 2rosebudd2@sbcglobal.net

City Council Minnema, Devondevon.minnema@gmail.com

 

The Tick Bite That Can Make You A Vegan?

 

2014 tick

I joke around a lot but this is as serious as a train wreck. A story published on line and in many newspapers from the Associated Press tells about doctors across the county seeing a surge in meat allergies in people bitten by a certain kind of tick.

This strange problem only came to light a couple of years ago but is growing as these ticks spread across the US from the Southwest and the East.

Not the least bit (pardon the play on words) funny, people eating a hamburger or steak have landed in the hospital with a severe allergic reaction to meat.  Doctors and even allergists have been slow to recognize the problem because who would think people who have been eating meat their whole lives just somehow become allergic to it.

The nasty little critter responsible is called the Lone Star tick named of course for Texas. The bug apparently has a sugar in its system human don’t have called alpha-gal. This sugar is also found in beef, venison, pork, rabbits and even in some dairy products. A tick bite from these critters, and the sharing of its sugar, apparently triggers an immune system response and the body makes antibodies to fight it. This prepares the body for an allergic reaction the next time the person eats any meats with that sugar.

The symptoms range from severe swelling of the tongue and lips to hives and itching. I could found no cases on record of this on the west coast… yet.The tick vector in California has not been identified…but with a lot of our folks hunting and traveling all over the US I figured a warning about this would be in order…. Get bit by the right tick and become a Vegan…Gads, what’s next?The solution… don’t get bit… but if you are in tick country check you and yours carefully. If you find one just pull it off ASAP… That’s it. There is no magic bullet. See: Red meat allergies likely result of lone star tick – Science Dailywww.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/…/140220102727.ht…

 

What Is A Credit Score…What Does It Do?

 

blabby blond moving

 

Everyone over a certain age knows what a credit score is… or do they? If they do know does anyone outside of the banking industry know HOW a credit score is really calculated or why?

According to a recent story in our California Association of Realtors magazine reported more than 55 per cent of people in a recent survey didn’t understand a credit score actually measures the risk of not repaying a loan and is not a measure of credit attitudes or knowledge.

The “Millennials” generation only has a vague idea of how their credit scores are calculated. Half  demonstrated at least a partial understanding of the three instances when lenders are required to inform borrowers of the credit score used in the lending decision: After a mortgage application, whenever a loan application has be rejected or whenever the best terms aren’t available to the borrower. So there…now you know.

 



 

 More Things To Think About…

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I’m a failure as a sociopath.  I’m just not very good at manipulating or taking advantage of people… I’m more of a so-so path.

The boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room today… so I guess we’ve had our Labor Day party.

“You see those footprints?  It looks like our killer had feet!”… If you were wondering why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

*I’m beginning to think that adult supervision is a myth… if anything my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Just a tip: When your being drug tested and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup… that means pee… Always.

They say love is worth more than money… but I’m pretty sure my landlord is going to want more than a hug.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the bible… a single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

A self-checkout line at Wal-Mart with no mirrors… what a joke.

So some scientist someday might make a pill that will make us immortal… I’d probably choke to death trying to swallow it.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave… you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.

Santa can’t be white… no white man can pull off head-to-toe red velvet with such style and panache.

As a white person I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious little ham.

Black ice is just like regular ice… except it’s a better dancer.

When asked my opinion on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black”… I no longer have to help with homework.

I’m pretty sure no one would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

When the wife sends me to the grocery store with a very specific list of items I am not allowed to improvise… that was made very clear to me when I got home.

I’m just like King Midas… except everything I touch complains to human resources.

The wife just told me to go to hell, so… anyone else need anything from Wal-Mart?

The travel toothbrush has to rate up there as one of the great inventions… can you imagine toting around one of the regular heavy ones?

Why is it fine when Santa does it but when I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “Sir, you’re under arrest.”?

 You know the trouble with rich people? I’m not one of them.

Satan was all alone with Eve, naked, at the forbidden tree and all he did was convince her to eat some fruit… what a loser!

I’m getting really irritated!  This is the ninth or 10th ATM I’ve been to this week that had “insufficient funds”.

Every morning I wake up really pissed at my parents because I have to go to work… instead of living off a trust fund.

I don’t know the full history of us and Canadian relations… but somehow we have joint custody of the geese.

I’m in trouble again.  The wife asked me to take out the trash… I said I didn’t realize her sister needed a ride home.

 Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone… Who hates all of your friends?

 I get the whole deal about “Three meals a day,” what confuses me is how many at night!

My life is about as organized as the $1 DVD bin at Walmart.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging path, just know I was murdered elsewhere and the carcass dumped there.

The most popular automotive brands are German, Japanese and Italian.  It’s like losing WWII was a prerequisite for making good cars!

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have us put wine in barrels.

 

 

From The Email Bag; “It Didn’t Do A Thing…”

2014 gun

Ted: Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my 30.06 deer rifle right in the doorway.  I left six shells beside it, then left it alone and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near the front of our house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it.  It hadn’t moved itself outside. It certainly hadn’t killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so.

In fact, it hadn’t even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people.

Either the media is wrong or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

Well, I’m off to check on my spoons.  I hear they’re making people fat.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.  But if you take out Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom for murders.  These four cities also have the toughest gun control laws in the United States.  ALL four are controlled by Democrats.

It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data – right? LH/ Fairfield

 

zzzzincumbents

 

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