May 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #623 (5-27-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

  Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 2016-5-20-2

Dixon’s Veteran Greg Coppes carries the colors

Memorial Day 2016… Why?

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Kids: Wonder why you get a day off from school Monday so close to the end of the school year? All of you who get a paid day off of work… Do you really know why?

Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day and was initiated to honor the soldiers for the Union and Confederate armies who died during the American Civil War. Celebrations honoring Civil War heroes started the year after the war ended. The establishment of a public holiday was meant to unify the celebration as a national day of remembrance instead of a holiday celebrated separately by the Union and Confederate states. By the late 19th century, the holiday became known as Memorial Day and was expanded to include the deceased veterans of all the wars fought by American forces. In 1971, Memorial Day became a federal holiday.

The original national celebration of Decoration Day took place on 30 May 1868. When Memorial Day became a federal holiday, it was given the floating date of the last Monday in May. Since many companies close for the holiday, Memorial Day weekend is three days long for most people. It is the unofficial beginning of the summer vacation season that lasts until the first Monday in September, which is Labor Day. Traditions: Some of the most common Memorial Day traditions that are still practiced in the United States today include:

  • Every Memorial Day, the U.S. flag is quickly raised to the tops of flagpoles, slowly lowered to half-mast, and then raised again to full height at noon. The time at half-mast is meant to honor the millions of fallen U.S. soldiers who have died for their country over the years. Re-raising the flag is meant to symbolize the resolve of the living to carry on the fight for freedom so that the nation’s heroes will not have died in vain.
  •  It is very common to visit cemeteries, particularly military cemeteries, at this time of year to decorate the graves. Small American flags, flowers, and wreathes are commonly placed by the tombstones.

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Monday might be a good day to take the family out to the beautiful 561 acre National Cemetery just out of town on Midway Road and see the final resting place of some 25,000 people. The veterans (and spouses) are laid to rest in about 18,000 gravesites of those who served this country with honor. At 9 a.m. Saturday (tomorrow) you and your family can help place a flag at each gravesite to honor those who made it possible for us to have what we have today. Pictured above is my first wife Linda at her father’s grave site there and a picture of his headstone. He was among those interned in the first section when this local national treasure was opened.

 

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  • Food Truck Mania Coming Back Today 
  • For the second time the City of Dixon sponsoredFood Truck Mania” will be returning to the Hall Park area (behind city hall and the swimming pool) this evening (Friday) from 5 to 8:30 pm. There will probably be about a dozen trucks with all kinds of specialized ethnic foods on sale. We went to the first one, last time, and it was interesting to see the variety of stuff we don’t have locally. They are here one evening for a few hours and then gone taking local dollars with them… but heck it’s just one little chunk of time out of one evening …and last time there were a couple of locals involved.

 

x20161More Things For Thought  

*There’s one bible verse that always seem to make me feel encouraged… lunch 12:35.

*If they ever get a donkey and a zebra to mate they would have to call the offspring a zonkey… ‘Because Debra is already taken.

*As I age I find I have three moods………I’m too tired for this carp, I’m too old for this crap, and I’m too sober for this crap.

*When my kids were little I found we were exact opposites.  They would cry when I walked away… and I would cry when they walked toward me.

*I’d be a terrible superhero… I’d be at home and I’d see the signal in the sky calling me to help and I’d be like “damn! I just sat down and got my shoes off!”

*Smartphones are so expensive these days if you fall and hear a crack… you hope it’s your hip.

*If you have a foot fetish and you cheat on your wife… does that mean you got off on the wrong foot?

*Babies are a lot like tattoos:  they’re not cheap, they’re yours forever, your feelings about them will change from day to day… and maybe you should wait a while before showing them off so they’re not all gross looking.

*Gluten is the substance in food that keeps people from being insufferable.

*I don’t exactly know when the UFO landed and dumped off all these stupid people that have been coming into work lately… but apparently they aren’t coming back for them.

*When you said “let’s be friends with benefits”… I just assumed you owned a liquor store.*I don’t always feel like I’m at the top of the gene pool… but when I do I’m usually at Wal-Mart.

*I think it’s important to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant ‘because I’m not going to be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.

*Girls don’t fart… that sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

*An older woman in front of me dropped $20 and I asked myself “what would Jesus do?”… So I turned it into wine, I bought wine. 

  • *I don’t understand all the confusion.  It’s not hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart… one will see you in a little while and the other will see you later.  (For 50+)
  • *I’m not just a pretty face… I have really nice feet too.
  • *I grew up under the threat of nuclear war… forgive me if I can’t muster up the appropriate terror at the thought of gluten in my sandwich.
  • *Why do porn sites have a “share to Facebook” button…who watches porn and thinks “you know, my friends and family would really enjoy this!”
  • *Kids are a lot like donuts.  Sweet and yummy, but after one or two and you’re like, “what the hell have I done?”
  • *I like to separate my M&M’s by color before I eat them… so I’m either OCD or a racist.
  • *I read that back in the 1930’s teething babies were given cocaine… how ridiculous!  If they had a toothache they probably didn’t even want to party.
  • *Getting older is so awesome… I don’t even have to drink to feel hungover anymore.
  • *There is no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating!
  • *The therapist at the rehab asked my friend how many drinks he had a week… “Hell, I don’t know….I’m an alcoholic, not an accountant!”
  • *If I could give you one thing in life I’d give you the ability to see yourself thru my eyes… then you might realize what a turd you are.
  • *Being an ugly female is just like being a man… you’re going to have to work.
  • *Real women don’t wish their enemies would die… just that they’ll get fat.
  • *Parenting is really no different than surviving a bear attack… curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
  • *I wore a Levi jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants… I had no good answer.
  • *I must be getting old.  Every time I hear Def Leppard’s “pour some sugar on me” I think of two things… who’s cleaning it up and I sure hope we don’t get ants.

Xvets4

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May 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #622 (5-20-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

2016-5-20

 

“Information Pamphlets” Have Arrived

            Politics never fail to amaze me and with the election season now really underway people once again are asking for my opinion on the ballot issues and the candidates. We received our ballots and have already voted and returned our vote choices to Dixon’s City Hall… You know you can do that right? You can mail your “vote by mail” ballots or drop them off at any of the seven city halls or drop them curbside in Fairfield at the county Ad Min center on Union Street.

With that being said local voters only have a couple of choices to make for state senate and assembly plus a couple of county ballot measures they need to understand. Besides the senate we are also voting for  Assembly District 4 with Winter’s Aguiar Cecilia Curry (trying to cover all the bases), Don Saylor, Charlie Schaupp and Dan Wolk (yep Lois’s boy trying to take her place). Charlie is the conservative, the rest you can flip a coin.

I can’t believe how much local politics have changed over the years. There used to be an understanding if you had a local candidate running for higher office you either endorsed them or stayed neutral… Not anymore! Vacaville’s mayor and whole city council turned their backs on local candidates to endorse the guy who reportedly has spent over $2 million… you know, the guy who sends you two flyers in the mail each day. Bill Dodd the former supervisor from Napa who was a Republican and wanted to run for higher office so switched to Democrat (reportedly he told people that was the only way he could get elected, and was right)… It worked for the assembly and now he’s running for the senate with all the juice this area has to offerexcept his party’s endorsement… kind of odd they didn’t endorse him when they did endorse candidates for all of the other offices? So he should be your choice if you want to get on the bandwagon and support a professional politician who can spend millions of other people’s  dollars to get elected… and then I suppose return the favors once he’s in office. Juice you say? Yep, the guy has all seven Solano County Mayors, the majority of all seven city council, the vast majority of the board of supervisors and according to his flyer even former Dixon Mayor “Joe” Erickson (I didn’t know Don changed his name?) Even two of the Dixon City Councilmen who had the endorsement of the Solano County Republican Party endorsed him?

 

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            I have been asked to make endorsements and since I got elected I’ve adopted a firm policy… I’ll only endorse those who endorsed me when I ran and that’s a very short list… Greg Coppes is an outsider Republican is running against Dodd. He stood up for me and my independence when members of his own group opposed it because of the same lame excuse a local city employees association gave… because I’m considered a “loose cannon” and you can’t depend on me to be bought or sold or controlled…Boo- friggin-Hoo.

 

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            Greg is an outsider looking in… straight as an arrow and an all American, no nonsense, common sense, veteran who will fight for what is right and opposes that which is not. I severed as his vice commander with American Legion Post 208 for years and watched him push to get the great new vet’s hall they now have. I saw him fight the county and get the ear of state and federal elected officials and marshal the troops when needed. He is my only endorsement it’s not only based on my policy, and the fact he is from Dixon but also because I think we could use a no-nonsense outsider to fight for, not only what is right, but the people without a voice. He’s the only Republican in the senate race and is grossly underfunded because he didn’t go begging, cutting deals and making promises… so he can use all of the votes you can get him and any donations you care to make… Here’s a guy trying to make a difference. If he gets elected he will… no one will intimidate him or force him to make a decision which would adversely affect the people that put him in office.

In voting now and in November please remember my favorite saying… “If you always do what you always did you’ll always get what you always got”…And the picture of what we’ve “got” ain’t pretty.

Now Measure G and H and AA

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These three ballot measures, “Golly G!” and “What  the Hell?”  and “AA” are facing you as you vote too. This is the same kind of sounds good vote that should garner your yes vote right? Well maybe. First AA is another ATTEMPT TO HAVE OUR TAXPAYERS BAIL OUT THE BAY AREA FOR THE CRAP THEY’VE CAUSED… HELL NO ON THIS ONE.

Measure G is a feel good gutless measure that provides a “citizen oversight committee” to approve projects funded by Measure H and it further says Solano County should spend 100% of proceeds from measure H on “transportation improvements” like fixing pot holes etc. This “Measure” is purely an “Advisory Measure” which means it has no power, no guts and no way to do anything about anything… In other words; compost.

Measure H is where the boots hit the pavement so to speak. This is a gigantic $33,703,000 (That’s 37 million, seven hundred and 3 thousand dollars) generated from a ½ of one percent (1%) county tax for the next five years.

            Now we all know how badly we need road repairs and all seven city’s mayors, city managers and public works directors plus the board of supervisors have endorsed this measure… so who could oppose it and why? How can the whole power structure not be right? What could people possibly complain about with this badly need measure…?

 

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            The big complaint seems to be the county has these funds set to go into the county’s general fund and disbursed from there to the cities.  Trust me the government is only doing this for your own good. To do this the ballot measure only has to have a 50% plus one vote to pass. Had they made the measure into a specific fund for roads (and whatever) fund the measure would have to pass by two thirds (2/3rds) majority. I think voters in this case would have passed the measure that way… I’m not so sure they’ll buy into “we’re your elected officials so trust us to do what we say we will” spiel they’re spewing… but who knows since we are a nation of sheep… bred to follow our leaders and set ourselves to be fleeced at each election (wow I may have coined a new phrase) and we’re slow learners.

 

More Of The Things People Like To Read2016-5-20-5

*The question is: How many will do their homework and any research at all on the measures of the candidates? The answer is: not enough!*

*In an attempt to explain marriage to my grandson I said “Well, when a man loves a woman a great deal he expresses that love by slowly over time transforming into a human sloth”.

*Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

*One of the benefits of dating me… if you stand next to me you’ll be the thin one.

*’Pampers’ is a great product name… because it implies that being able to poop in one’s disposable underwear is just, well, something special.

*Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.

*My granddaughter is pretty overbearing when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just go along with it… Because when she’s not here I can play with them the way I want.

*I always scream “I DON’T HAVE ANY BREAD” at any duck I see… beady eyed little free loaders.

*Everyone always romanticizes the past and how things used to be… until they get really sick one time and wake up covered in leeches.

*I only date girls with speech impediments… takes them forever to break up with me.

*Parenthood is where you spend 18 years of your life saying “no”…..all because of that one critical time you foolishly said “yes”.

*Someone offered me some grapes but I refused… I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

*”I miss you like an idiot misses the point”.

*What fool called it your foot falling asleep… and not “coma toes”?

*When one of the boys was little every time he drank juice he said “Cheers”……so, no, we were not looking forward to the parent-teacher conferences.  

*I always cry at weddings… because being that close to large cakes always makes me really happy.

*If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder… then by definition, marriage is a bad idea.

*Don’t you think it’s weird when someone says they’re going out for some fresh air……and comes back in smelling like weed?  

*We live in a small town and I’m afraid the local Catholic Priest is getting tired of my carp… I called him at the rectory the other night and asked “What time is the St. Valentine’s Day mass occur?”… He didn’t laugh.

*My self-esteem flared up this morning so I put on my Speedo and checked my bank balance… I’m ok now.

*Why do people say “raw” sewage… saying raw implies that it becomes much better if cooked properly.

*As I watched a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon… oh migawd, it’s the alpacalypse.

*When someone unexpected rings the doorbell the wife says “You answer it!  I don’t even have my bra on!”… and for that reason alone I’ve stopped wearing a bra.

*”Kyrgyzstan” is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have letters left over.

*Just a little heads up, fellas, but if you ask your wife how to spell “ménage a trois”… she’s gonna want to know why.

*Just ate one “suggested serving” of Oreos… so what if it was five times in a row. Twice.

*To all the ladies that are waiting for their prince on a white horse… the horse has come up lame and I’m walking, so I’ll be a little late.

*Here’s a picture of me having fun at work… yeah, I couldn’t picture that either.

*Just ate an order of chili-cheese fries… and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit. 

*I asked a first-grader what has four fingers and a thumb but isn’t alive… expecting her to get the riddle and respond “a glove”… first thing out of her mouth was “my aunt Lydia”.

*Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car stick your arm back there and wave it around a bunch… that’ll show ’em.

 

 

ZZZZZZZ2013aLBERT

 

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May 14th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #621 (5-13-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Friday The 13th

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               # What better day to have a closed city council meeting? Yep, we are having a closed executive session this evening to make important decisions… The fun never stops…

# Also today (Friday) and tomorrow is Cornerstone Church’s food pantry yard sale and food drive from 8am to 5 pm both days. So bring non-perishable foods to donate and buy someone’s unwanted stuff at a good price… all for a good cause at 185 West Cherry Street (across from and just west of the fairgrounds.

# Got this letter (along with half the town) postmarked from Sacramento (of course) with Friday the 13th info about the guy on the other side of the page. The envelope was addressed by a typewriter… who still has or uses a typewriter? It was a letter and a five page dissertation. The letter said, “Here is some information that may help you understand the behavior of Mike Ceremello. This is not my personal opinion (huh?) but merely answers questions aroused by my suspicion. Doesn’t it seem the symptoms fit perfectly with Mr. Ceremello’s behavior and coincidentally Donald Trump’s?”

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Then I got five printed pages on narcissistic personality disorder (nothing about the mean, nasty, lying bitch disorder). The pages all said it is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence (sic) lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism”. I’m going to give the report to Mike and see just how fragile he really is (I’m guessing he’ll just say WTF and move on)… It goes on and on… I won’t.

I told Mike what was coming and he said “To the paraphrase Terrible Ted… to you and the letter writer… BITE ME!”

# Still waiting on complete information on the very successful Bids for Kids presence at the Dixon May Fair Junior Livestock Auction.  I know they spent about $11,000. The made plenty, spent plenty and have plenty left over for the Solano County Fair livestock auction… Since I don’t want to give incomplete details and have questions start popping up, I’ll wait until I have complete details next week.

 

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               # Also besides all of the good things came the three main gripes we heard… There will always be gripes.

  1. “You pay hundreds or thousands for a kid’s animal and the fair gives you a cheap Junior Livestock hat with a tomato and corn on it… WTF?”
  2. “A little kid who could barely control an animal gets $30 a pound while the rest, including the grand champion get less than half that. Again many think no animal should be able to be sold at any price greater than the grand champion. If the ones wanting attention want to do more give a separate Ag Grant to the auctioneer or something to embellish the kid’s supposed hard work”.
  3. “Rain was great and cool; much better than 90 degrees. Parade was a long line of youth ball players, politicians and fairly (play on words) devoid of anything interesting or outstanding…”

California Ass. Pass Pee On Seat Law

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          # The Ca. Ass-embly always afraid to rain on someone’s parade took the ridiculous gender bender controversy to its extreme now telling all women they must share restrooms with the guys just in case some man/woman/boy/girl/whatever wants to use the bathroom. So ladies make sure to thank you ass-embly persons when you have to put the lid down and clean the seat when you use the public restrooms from now on (just like home, (where most will now try to hold it until they get there) except for icky unknown fluids). Only North Carolina has the balls (so to speak) to stand up to this ridiculous new federal demon-cratic law. And great Americans like the oddball Bruce Spring-a-leakstien is now calling for a boycott of N. Carolina. N. Carolina is saying if you have an appendage us the appendage bath room, if not use the other one… Whatever it says on your birth certificate is what you are, like it or not… Ms. Bruce Jenner and Brucie Spring-a-leakstien. N. Carolina is being threatened with all of the power of the Obama folks with huge companies threatening to pull out and the federal government plans to withhold federal funds. The U.S. government is suing them and to N. Carolina’s credit they are counter suing the Obama cartel.

 

More Things For Thought

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*When the wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner do not whistle “If I only had a brain” from the wizard of oz.

*People always judge public housing… but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem.

*My twenty-something son said to me “My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant”… I tried to soothe him by telling him it’s really not that bad.

*I overheard one woman telling another “It’s $150 an hour and she provides all the turtles”… whatever it is, I’m in!

*Once I participated in a “nice guys” 10k run… we all finished last.

*The store manager called all the department heads to the break room for a meeting.  I asked “Can I go first?” and she said “of course.”… so I got up and left.

*If Bernie Sanders win the presidency it will be the first time that a Jewish family has moved into public housing that was left vacant when a black family left it.

*I can remember back to the days when “three times in one night” didn’t refer to trips to the bathroom.

*I was stunned to hear that France has accepted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils”… or some such carp.

*Not to brag, but I don’t even need to wear camouflage to go unnoticed.

*All sex is casual sex… unless you put on a monocle and during orgasm shout “bravo, bravo, milady!”

*”Engagement” is a word that can mean either “planning to marry” or “initiating combat”… I feel this is not a coincidence.

*One of Jesus’ many accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

*The doctor asked me if I ever had pain after having sex… I told him “well, they usually don’t answer my calls and that kind of hurts”.

*Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up-and-down look followed by an “Oh, honey!”

*I pass gas when people hug me… it makes them feel strong.

*Every day that I miss my time running on the treadmill I add the 20 minutes to the next day… tomorrow I should be running until 2027.

*We all have our own personal faults… yours, though, are just a lot more fun to talk about.

*In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio “Let me shoot your loved ones” was probably not the best business decision.

*I think Tom Cruise does all his own stunts because he’s convinced death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

*I want to be the one to make you scream… but I’m afraid it’ll be in frustration.

*A little bit of historic trivia:  the only three us presidents that ever had to deal with impending impeachment, Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton all have names that are euphemisms for ‘penis’……..Johnson, dick and willie.

*Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

*Behind every eye patch is a story probably worth hearing.

*If a woman ever asks you if she looks fat it’s not enough to just say no… you must act very surprised by the question.  Jump backwards if necessary.

*If you’re wondering if most humans are idiots consider the duck hunter.  Expensive gun, camo everything, sitting in a cold duck blind… when the damn duck will walk right up to you if you have bread.

*Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

*Why do they call it “personal grooming”… as though we might get confused and groom a perfect stranger.

*The doctor told me if you don’t exercise there’s no point in dieting… I can’t wait to tell Linda the good news!

*I thought there was a spider in the middle of the floor but it was just some yarn… its really dead yarn now, though.

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May 6th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #619 (5-6-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

Its On Now

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            The 141st annual Dixon May Fair is on now and will end Sunday night. It’s a lot different than the first one if my memory serves me right. But there’s plenty to do, no tobacco spitting contest, horse pulling contests, horseshoe pitching, square dancing or hay rides but there’s plenty of other things to do, see and eat.

From the arts and crafts, to the flowers, to the livestock (and livestock auction Saturday morning) to the many vendors, food booths and commercial exhibits and sales you and the kids can make a day of it… at one of the last remaining small town agriculture based fairs. If you’ve never been, go. If you have been in the past go again because it’s like a community wide homecoming event where you’re likely to run into people you haven’t wanted to speak to in years… Just nod, say “hey” and carry on like you remember who they are. If for no other reason go for your annual fix of funnel cake, corn dogs and Kett’s rolled tacos. You can start with the parade Saturday morning at 10 and make a day of it. The prediction of unseasonably cool  70’s weather will be a pleasant change from the usual sweltering high 90’s.

 

Wow, Now Is The Time To Sell…

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            The Dixon real estate market is really a funny thing… its either feast or famine. Right now it’s a seller’s market with qualified buyers standing by waiting for homes to come on the market… So if you’ve been thinking about selling do it now! With schools getting close to being out it really opens things up at the most active time of the year to buy and sell homes. Just make sure you know a realtor you can trust to do what’s best for you when selling and don’t buy a home without using a trusted realtor too. If you don’t know them find a way to check them out before you trust them with one of the biggest purchases or sales of your life. I’m (and Century 21 M&M) here to help and I’m easy to check out!

 

Short Shots…

            #Found it interesting that Bill Dodd, running for State Senate lists “former Dixon Mayor Joe Erickson” as one of his supporters?

# Saw on TV this week a study that shows coffee and tea are now good for you… Caffeine is good now…Caffeine not bad…this week. Wine is also now listed as good for you… so the winos were right all along huh?

# People in cities really don’t understand the luxuries of rural life… as in the Bid for Kids “Farm to Fork” mantra.  As a matter of fact a lot of local yuppie/millennials don’t realize the perks of living in an agriculture area. In the past couple of week we picked wild asparagus, and mustard leaves. We have same day local fresh milk, cheese and butter. We’ve caught and ate black bass, striped bass, crappie, wild turkey,  (seasonal) ducks and geese plus crayfish, fresh live crab and ocean fish we caught ourselves. We shot a couple hundred pounds of carp with our bow and arrows and gave them to families who were fishing and caught nothing. We just finished having pheasant, chukar, dove and wild pig that were harvested in the area plus venison and free range chickens… all of this within a short drive of our home or on/from our ranch… Still to come are wild blackberries, strawberries, oranges, tomatoes and lemons plus the stuff Linda plants because she like to grow stuff. It’s hard for some people to believe you can still live this kind of “not from a can or market” life style but it suits us well.

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# Keeping business in Solano County… To get your dog licensed you have to send your money and paper work to Pet Data in Irving, Texas… WTF? We have to outsource dog licenses?

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# Good to see the Dixon Bids for Kids back and better than ever. Kudo to the new folks who held a record setting bar-b-que fund raiser Wednesday evening for all of the youth exhibitors and their families. Over 300 take out pulled pork dinners were sold plus hundreds more by folks who ate there… a complete sell out. New B4K president, James Fuller, and his crew are to be congratulated. Those who quit supporting the group’s efforts in the past can now contribute and let them help try to create parity in the bidding process for animals at the Dixon May Fair livestock auction. They have a new logo (not the one shown here), and new everything really, none of which I have yet except a new hat. We’ve been involved off and on for over 20 years and glad to help out once again for a worthwhile cause.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Thank you for calling AT&T (and/or Amazon).  My name is Akmed Osama Habib mufassil………..how may I misunderstand you and piss you off?

*Just saw two homeless guys beating each other up with pieces of cardboard… pillow fight!

*I couldn’t afford to take the kids to the Santa Cruz Aquarium… so I took them to the fish market and said “shhhh! They’re sleeping”.

*You know what the hardest part of dating a blind girl is… getting her husband’s voice right.

*Do you remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be president” was a good thing?

*Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything… in most locales you can get at least $10,000 for just one kidney.

*If you’re having second thoughts you’re two ahead of most people.

*In a survival situation you can drink your own urine… fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the jar.

*In a recent study the government gave equal doses of Viagra to both doctors and lawyers. The doctors seemed to report enhanced sexual prowess… the lawyers merely got taller. 

*Money doesn’t grow on trees… your move multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

*I’m anti-thesaurus… for lack of a better word.

*Before you tell me what I did wrong you should first realize I don’t give a carp.

*If you illegally download a movie when on vacation in Jamaica does that make you a pirate of the Caribbean?

*Do twins ever realize one of them was unplanned?

*Not too brag… but I have the high score on seven different blood pressure machines throughout town.

*I just made this annoying jabbering kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture at him… I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

*I’m not going to lie about it… I’m kinda looking forward to being a creepy old man.

*Can you imagine marrying someone and then finding out they’re the type that claps when the plane lands?

*Apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship “a way out” isn’t the right answer.

*90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

*Don’t waste time on crappy people… there, now I’m your life coach.

*In Kim Kadashian’s latest selfies posted in the media you can’t see her ass… cuz he’s downstairs watching the kids.

*I spend half my day wondering if it’s too late for coffee… and the other half of the day wondering if it’s too early for a beer.

*I no longer have as many Oscar wins as Leonardo DiCaprio.

*When you think about it zombies should be naked from the waist down… all the dehydration and rot would cause weight loss and their pants would fall down.

*I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad… and it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

*Is everything expensive… or am I just poor?

*Overheard a conversation in the break room:  “What’s your favorite position in bed?”… “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging”

Choking on water is the worst because how do you stop choking? Drink something?

*Those first two schmucks that thought Superman was a bird or a plane… why in hell were they so excited?

 

 2015GOOD PEOPLE2

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April 22nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #617 (4-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Poem – Walk With Me While I Age…

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my printing it will be worth the effort.“Walk with me while I age”… worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older… Carp; I forgot the words.

 

Hang On To Your Nuts; Someone Wants To Grab Them!

2016april22

      With the gazillion of acers of nuts we now have growing all around us there is going to have to be a new business pop up; “We’ll watch your nuts for you” or something like that. Why? Because nut thefts in California are skyrocketing and the nut owners are going nuts trying to stem the flow of the illegal nut thefts and sales; think I’m kidding?

2016april22a

High tech thieves are hacking into trucking companies and stealing their identities allowing them to highjack whole shipments of their high value cargo; mainly almonds, walnuts and pistachios valued anywhere from $150,000 to a half a million dollars a pop. Their nuts then take a sea voyage and end up in Europe or Asia where they bring top dollar… So no cost to buy the product, little risk and a huge amount of money for selling it sounds kind of nutty right? No actually it is a big lucrative business.

According to published sources last year in California alone there were 31 reported theft cases totaling $4.6 million with losses for the past four years totaling over $7.5 million.

2016april22b

California produces more of the three nut groups than any other state with a combined value of $9.3 billion in 2014 alone. Almonds themselves were valued at $5.9 billion by the USDA. Granted all of this is on the grand scale but local growers have their nuts clipped too each year at harvest time…

2016april22c

So it’s come down to this on the local level. If you want to hang on to your nuts you growers are going to have to have someone watch your nuts round the clock come harvest time. It’s no laughing matter really. Thefts from local orchards are a real problem too… and can be a real pain in the grower’s nut bags at harvest time… One quick and sure answer to stem local thefts is the old Oklahoma Lockwood shotgun trick, using rock salt filled shells, with a shot in the trespassing thief’s backside as they try to flee with their booty! You saw they had what appeared to be a weapon right? You’ll probably be sued (hey, your attorney can beat a public defender) but what the hell they won’t be able to sit down in court and word will get around not to mess with you or your nuts!

 

 

Want A Quick $5 grand?

2016april22d

Along the same “nutty stuff” lines is a local grower who just had nine trees cut down for no apparent reason other than just plain meanness. This is the second time this orchard has had this happen, last year they cut down seven trees. The recent vandalism last week off of Robben Rd. caused between $8 and $10,000 in damage and the grower is a whole lot less than happy… so much so he is offering a $5,000 reward for the arrest and conviction of the person/people responsible. So you want to pick up a quick, tax free $5 grand? You can do it anonymously through me or this paper if you wish. We won’t reveal the source and just pass the info over to the grower, the cops bust the bad guy, he goes to court and gets nailed and you get five big ones. Or just give me the name, refuse the reward and I’ll take the money as a community service if I have to.2016april22e

     

Food Trucks Tonight!

2016Feb2

            Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win. First of all I didn’t know the city was a sponsor of the Sacramento food truck bunch coming to Dixon every fourth Friday (in the city’s Hall Park) from now through September… This came to the city via the Parks and Rec Commission… Vacaville had like 6,000 people last week at theirs and thousands were peeved at the city for lack of parking and up to an hour wait if they wanted to buy food.

I couldn’t initially see a downside to something like this… Cool, right here in Dixon right? Who would object and why would they? As usual every coin has two sides and boy did I hear from the other side. Here are the points a couple of people made:

  • Do all of these trucks have a Dixon business license?
  • 2. Who gets the sales tax; Dixon?
  • 3. Why is the city sponsoring and organization coming to town to take business and money away from local eateries?
  • 4. Will the Solano County health department check them while they are here?
  • 5. Will they be using local labor? 6. All of the money will be taken out of town, WTF? 7…On and on.

Sooo… Now being an elected official plus a journalist I need to get both sides of ALL issues and remember to ask if there’s a downside before voting for, or supporting, just about everything no matter how harmless is seems.

 

Ortho And Its Killer Products

2016easter5

Ortho…  According to published reports The giant garden poison maker and humongous chemical business now says it will stop using chemicals that are killing the world’s bees and threating the food supply for the nation… Pretty nice of them huh? According to published information the company said last week it will phase out neonicotinoids by 2021 in eight products used to control pests and plant diseases.

Is this a great company or what? They know what they are doing and act like they are doing the world a favor waiting to sell out all of their poison in the next five years before stopping its use… and your environmentally protective Democratic government? Nada; Demoncrats won’t screw with big contributors. You’ve heard of killer bees? Now you know who/what they really are!

 

The Sheer Night Gown

2016april22g

A Dixon guy named Bubba walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’ He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

2016april22f

You Want More…?

*There are two sides to every divorce: yours and dipshit’s.

 *The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

*I live in my own little world, but it’s ok. Everyone knows me here.

*I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “guess” on it. I said, “Left tackle?”

*I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

*I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

*The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

*If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make bloody Marys.

*Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

*Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

*No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” When their team’s winning.

*Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always  complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

*Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*Marriage changes passion… Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

*Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

*Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

*Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

*I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

*Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

*Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

*Why is it that our children can’t read a bible in school, but they can in prison?

2016april22h

#

 

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April 8th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #615 (4-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

2016April8

Air Force One returning from Cuba

 

 

You In My District? I don’t Know!

2016April1

          Don’t know if you have heard but the city of Dixon is going to stop “at large” city council elections and go to districts… Yep, you heard me right… we are going to have to start picking our council members by district in this coming November election. Why? Because some lame brained judge somewhere set a precedent and decided that anyone can sue any governmental body for not representing any segment of any community… and they’ll WIN. Cities that fought the change based on the fact that it just plain doesn’t make sense have lost… and lost big with taxpayers having to foot the bill for up to hundreds of thousands of dollars… This is California for you and its wrong, but thy will be done.

Tentative district lines have been drawn and three basic plans have made their way to the council. This November councilmembers Steve Bird and Jerry Castanon positions will be up for election and only those two and people that live in their districts can run or be elected to those two seats. The mayor’s chair is also up this November and will still be at large to be voted on by all those registered within the city limits.

This whole districting mess has to be done and submitted to the county by June 1st for the November election. My seat and Scott’s won’t be up or voted on until November, 2018.

So if the guy across the page in the paper (Mike Ceremello) wants to run for election they’ve given him the choice… Run for mayor or wait and see what district he’s in and he may have to wait until 2018 to run for a council seat… Right? Wrong? Fair? Stupid? Pick one. Dixon’s Hispanic community is spread evenly through the city so they won’t benefit from the districtsI’m really not sure who or if anyone does… but it will be the law of the land shortly so if you have any input you best be putting it in shortly or live with what the majority of the council says will be your voting future.

 

Merle’s Gone…A Great Loss.

 

2016April2

The photo above is one of took of Merle, left, in June 2011  when he appeared in concert at the Dixon May Fairgrounds.

           Merle Haggard died Wednesday at the hard fought age of 79… on his birthday. Pretty cool to come and go one the same day huh? He is one of my favorite singers and was a resident of Shasta County where he had a ranch. It’s actually amazing he lived that long with friends like Willie Nelson and the various vices they shared.

On one of our trips to Oklahoma we actually went to Muskogee and I said to my good friend Larry Lockwood, “Merle Haggard made little Muskogee famous (with the song Okie from Muskogee) worldwide didn’t he?” Larry with his iconic Oklahoma way of talking said, and I’ll never forget this: “Yep, but that man’s face looks like it done wore out two bodies…” classic comment, and true… But what a rich baritone voice the man had… sorry to see him go… many of us in Dixon got to see him in Dixon twice in recent years when he and his band appeared in concert at the Dixon May fairgrounds and when he and his band backed up Trace Atkins when he appeared at the fair.

 

More Things For Thought…2015Xmas7

*When you’re dead you don’t know you’re dead. So it’s only difficult for others… it’s the same when you’re stupid.

*If you have a baguette and walk by another individual with a baguette you are allowed, although not obliged, to duel the individual for the custody of their baguette.

*Holmes:  “I say old bean, is that mud on your boots?”… Watson:  “no, sh**, Sherlock.”

*When someone says “your fly’s down” it implies two things:1) I have a fly, and 2) he’s having a bad day.

*If tomorrow women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies just imagine how many industries would go out of business.

*Sometimes the best form of birth control is just good lighting.

*People who sit and ponder whether the glass is half-empty or half-full miss the point… the damn glass is refillable!

*There’s nothing quite like the freedom of riding a motorcycle without a helmet.  The wind blowing thru your hair… and the warm pavement on your face.

*What idiot called them “twins” instead of “wombmates”?

*Not to boast but my son’s friend said “your dad looks hot!” when I was cleaning the pool… she followed that with “is that heatstroke?” but still.

*Drinking at home is so much better than at a bar. The number one reason is there is no last call… and I can be naked.

*”Landlord” is a pretty exaggerated title.

*I’m still laughing about the time my mother said God told her to put my father in a home… because he was hearing voices in his head.

*I’m back in the crap at home. Guys, let me tell you if the little woman tells you she needs windshield wiper blades… she does not mean for Christmas!

*We’re only approaching world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

*Acting school technique: To appear blind look in the direction of the person you are talking to but never directly at them… and if they say “did you see that?” say “nope!”

*If vampires really like the taste of blood they should floss more.

*At some point male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like benny hill.

*The guy that invented the Chapstick died today… unfortunately they misplaced his body when transferring it to the morgue.

*I have no interest in skydiving… I get enough of an adrenaline rush just hoping my debit card goes thru.

*I need a hug… e bottle of wine!

*I know people who deal with the fact there’s a very fine line between “I should post that on Facebook” or “I should talk to my therapist about that.”

*Don’t you just hate those mornings when you get up and glance in the mirror and say “that can’t be right”.

*The refrigerator is a great example of the old saying… “What really matters is on the inside”.

*What does it mean to come home to love, compassion, tenderness, understanding and great sex… you’re in the wrong house.”

*If I got a $1 for every time my wife told me I was a lot like “rain man” I’d have $279 dollars.

*Is it ok if I abbreviate Oklahoma?

*Accidentally drank an Ensure this morning… now I’ve driven 8 miles with my blinker on, the waist of my pants is at my chest and WTF is e-mail?

*I’m sensitive to gluten, dairy, peanuts, I bruise easily and I can’t stay out in the sun for long… but otherwise I’m a total badass.

*A grandfather clock is just like a regular clock except it wears sandals… even though it has disgusting toenails.

 

2019e

If you’re buy or selling a home or property or you know someone who is please think of me.

zzzzzz2016e

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April 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #614 (4-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Real April Fool

2016fool

True Short Stuff

2016fool1

            Barbie turns 57… Speaking of short stuff, Mattel has bowed to public peer pressure and is coming out with short, bloated, tall and all kinds of new Barbies with seven skin tones, 22 eye colors and 24 hair styles. The 57 year old Barbie doll that every girl from 2 to 12 asks Santa for each year will now come with an overkill amount of choices. I can just see our Santa this year: “What do you want for Christmas this year little girl”? “A Barbie”. Santa: “White, brown, beige, dark brown, magenta…” Santa: You want her chunky, skinny, short or tall, blue eyes, green…?” Little girl: “Santa, I justs wanted a Barbie…”

 

2016HILARY

       Hillary speaks… Not being a political animal I found this published report interesting. Seems like Hillary Clinton told a cheering crowd the “the endless flow of secret, unaccounted moneymust be stopped. Two weeks later the main super PAC backing her presidential bid for the Demos presidential nomination accepted a $1 million contribution that cannot be traced…Duh.

 

2016fool22016fool3

            Don’t you just love Adidas? Can you say hypocrisy? The multi zillion dollar sportswear company has offered to eliminate Native American mascots from high school across the country… even though no one has really demanded it be done. When I was in Oklahoma last year I kept asking around how they real actual American Indians felt about high school mascots… it was unanimous; the whole thing for the most part was a non-issue. I couldn’t find one Cherokee or any other Native American who cared… So Adidas in their own caring way will pay for any school that wants to make a change away from our actual proud native American heritage to something better… like the Vacaville Vacuum Cleaners or some other harmless name. This great company is worried about political correctness. Oh, wait a minute. Adidas has no problem with the biggest selling sports jersey ever, the Chicago Blackhawks hockey jersey, or Cleveland Indians or Atlanta Braves or Golden State Warriors, etc. Your governor signed into law a prohibition against Ca. schools using the name Redskins”. Way to protect the First Amendment and give taxpayers a choice Jerry.

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name: Reportedly Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping “Washington” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins.” It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

2016obama

Quote of the dayA Liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It’s called “Prison.”  Sheriff Joe Arpaio Maricopa County, Arizona

2015x3

The Irish angler… When the Ketts from Dixon were recently in Ireland the rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. John Kett stopped and asked, “What are you doing?” “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, John says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.” In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the John couldn’t resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?” “You’re the eighth” says the old man.                           …An Irish blessing… May those who love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn’t turn their hearts may He turn their ankles so we will know them by their limping.

 

2015Hallo5

 The Rejected Tax Return”The IRS rejected a Dixon man’s tax return after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” The man wrote: “7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves politicians.” The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man’s response back to the IRS was…. “Who did I leave out?”

 

2016Feb4

  Make Cell Phones $500 a month… Certainly I can’t be the only one fed up with the abuse and misuse of cell phones. From the addicted school kid to grandma in Wal-Mart yelling into her phone about personal stuff, it is all just so ridiculous don’t you think? How can you curb it or stop it? You can’t and won’t as long as there’s a buck to be made. You see little kids being baby sat by them, every driver talking or texting (when many barely have the skills needed to negotiate today’s hazardous highways) talking, talking, talking… texting, texting, texting… addicted, addicted, addicted… it is a real and serious problem that everyone seem to be taking as a current fact of life. In restaurants, in public restrooms, cars, buses, planes, subways, highways, byways and skyways people loudly discussing personal business and doing business, in public, over their phones (a hacker’s delight by the way). When we were in Australia a few years back a couple of lovely young ladies were outside a business place speaking discreetly on their phones. I forget why we asked them about it but we’ll never forget their answer… She said, “It’s considered bad manners to use your phone where others have to overhear your conservation. We believe private conservations are meant to be private…” Don’t know if it’s still that way there but what a great social set of manners we should somehow find a way to adopt.

 

More Things For Thought

 

2016fool5

*Humpty-dumpty had a great fall… but his summer was just ok.

*I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it handcuffed me to a chair and forbid me to leave the motel room.

*I suffer from premature procrastination… I think up reasons not to do things even before being given things to do.

*I don’t expect everything to be handed to me… just set it down wherever.

*If I were a vampire I’d go after old people because they’re slow… and they probably taste like beef jerky (and that stuff’s delicious).

*The only thing a ‘strong password’ is going to do is lock me out of my own computer… 1234 it is!

*Whenever I find myself getting annoyed at the homeless begging for money… I remember that I don’t like paying for my own drinks either. 

*I was in the check-out line at Safeway tonight behind an elegantly dressed woman in a black sheath and dripping in jewelry buying tequila and a can of motor oil… love to know that story.

*Forest Whitaker’s left eye has more self-control than I do.

*I would suppose that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period.

*The wife asked what I thought of her new outfit and I mistakenly used the word “slimming”… how I explain my plight to the other homeless people.

*Our new shower head has two settings… ‘Gentle rain’ and ‘needles of death’.

*I’m in a good place right now.  Not emotionally… I’m at the liquor store.

*Did you know that “forever” just really means “until I don’t feel like it anymore”?

*Today is Thursday… or as I like to call it “day four of the hostage situation”.

*That awkward moment when you realize that “the sound of nature” is the sound of millions of animals, birds and insects desperately trying to get laid.

*Common sense is a flower that just doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

*If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine then I must be the healthiest person on the planet.

*I failed my geology final. I was asked to name the three types of rock… apparently classic, punk and hard were the wrong choices.

*There are an unbelievable amount of just outright scams on the internet … send me $19.95 and I’ll tell you about them.

*NASA’s entire exploratory mission to Pluto costs less than Minnesota’s new stadium… and Pluto is home to as many super bowl championships as the Vikings.

*I don’t watch soccer… if I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score I go to a bar.

*Remember when all bombs looked like a big, black bowling ball with a fuse in the top… times were much simpler then.

*If you nap a lot you significantly increase your chances of dying peacefully in your sleep.

*Wait. What? You need two people for sex? …. what does the other one do?

*My Saturday was going pretty well… until I realized it was Sunday.

*I got pulled over by a female cop.  When I rolled my window down and asked what was wrong… she said, “Nothing.”

*An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, or fruit… or an entire burrito.

*Today I’m wearing a tee-shirt that says “life” on the front… and handing out lemons on the street corner.

*You let your son take ballet lessons?  Aren’t you afraid he’ll grow up to be… fit, and healthy and surrounded by women?

 

2016fool4

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March 25th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #613 (3-25-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

2016easter 2016easter1

2016easter2

Better Watch Your Rural Butt

            As if rural roads are dangerous enough, nut growers are now planting their new orchards right up to the corner of county intersections (instead of allowing a little visual set back). I’ve mentioned this to Solano County Supervisors John Vasquez and Skip Thompson, who both kinda said, ‘Yeah, I can see where that might be a problem…” That’s it, that was their input…

2016easter3

            The photo is of one of the two cars in a bad accident last week at the intersection of Midway and Robben Roads that made a call for three ambulances necessary. Over the years there have been numerous accidents at that particular intersection plus many fatalities when you add up the ones there and the Pedrick intersection, the next road to the west. Why people keep running stop signs and killing and injuring themselves and innocent people is a mystery. With both of our sons and their families having to travel that roadway daily it is a constant concern to us as well as many others. We’ve taught them since day one behind the wheel to assume the speeding vehicle coming to the crossroad at Midway WILL run the stop sign.

The point is; there were already enough accidents where the vision was clear and now with the tree glut going on it can only become increasingly more dangerous… So just figure cars coming from either direction will probably run the stop signs and when they don’t you can be both pleasantly surprised and stay alive and unmaimed.

 

Real Life Vampires Are Out Now!

2016easter42016easter52016easter6

            After being stuck in the house 24/7 for the past two weeks or so with the damned coughing virus someone shared with us, the doctor finally said I could go out. So I joined our son and a neighbor to do a little carp bow fishing (we gave over 100 pounds of fish to families that knew how to fix them). While we were there, in waist high grasses, one of our group noticed several ticks on himself and our son picked off a few on himself. I had a long sleeve shirt and my pants long over hunting boots and just as I said I didn’t have any on me my son reached over and pick a trophy one off my neck. He said it had just migrated there from my beard and I felt nothing. You usually don’t feel them or their bite.

Long story short… they both had many on their clothes and some on their bodies. We only found one on me and I put our clothes directly in the washing machine on my return home. Most appeared to be the larger wood ticks but in cattle country you can pick up all kinds of ticks and vermin that exist throughout our geographic location.

Several years ago I did a story on spring ticks with an expert from the entomology department from UCD. He explained this time of the year they come out from their ground wintering areas, climb to the highest weed they can find and wait for anything warm blooded to pass by. They then latch on, seek a place to feed (suck blood) and gorge themselves until they fall off and start their reproductive process all over again. He said the ticks at our elevation (the foothills are a different story) probably aren’t the deer ticks that carry Lyme disease but… they could be, and they could make you VERY sick.

*The question was: “What do you do if you find a tick on you or if it’s already burrowed into your skin”? The answer was simple… pull it off/out. Get a grip with tweezers (or whatever you have) as close to the head as possible and pull it out. Don’t use salves, gas, Vaseline, cigarettes or any other wives tale removal techniques… Just pull the blood sucking things out and crush them (very hard to do) or put them in alcohol…end of story.

If you, your kids, or pets are going to be in the taller grases in the rural area check them regularly for the vermin that can be from the size of a pin head to a magnum one that was on me which was this size . With this warm holiday weekend many folks will be out and about… just use common sense, use Deet, and check you and yours when returning from outdoor adventures.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: Lyme disease, also known as Lyme borreliosis, is an infectious disease caused by bacteria of the Borrelia type.[1] The most common sign of infection is an expanding area of redness, known as erythema migrans, that begins at the site of a tick bite about a week after it has occurred. The rash is typically neither itchy nor painful. Approximately 25-50% of infected people do not develop a rash. Other early symptoms may include feverheadache and feeling tired. If untreated, symptoms may include loss of the ability to move one or both sides of the facejoint painssevere headaches with neck stiffness, or heart palpitations, among others. Months to years later, repeated episodes of joint pain and swelling may occur. Occasionally, people develop shooting pains or tingling in their arms and legs. Despite appropriate treatment, about 10 to 20% of people develop joint pains, memory problems, and feel tired much of the time.[2]

Lyme disease is transmitted to humans by the bite of infected ticks of the Ixodes genus.*[3] Usually, the tick must be attached for 36 to 48 hours before the bacteria can spread.[4] In North America, Borrelia burgdorferi sensu stricto and Borrelia mayonii are the cause.[1][5]  The disease does not appear to be transmissible between people, by other animals, or through food.[4] Diagnosis is based upon a combination of symptoms, history of tick exposure, and possibly testing for specific antibodies in the blood.[6][7] Blood tests are often negative in the early stages of the disease.[1] Testing of individual ticks is not typically useful.[8]

 

In Response To Last Weeks Column

            In response to last week’s column about calling and checking in on old timers, senior citizens or just folks living alone while they are still alive… Lucy Vassar, who’s in her 90’s called to thank me about what I wrote but mentioned… “How?” My response was cryptic as usual asking back “How what?” She said none of their phone books have people’s phone numbers in them they’re just yellow pages. And she asked if they just have a cell phone how do you find their number? Good points both. I had another call about the piece and they said they had to call 411 (information) to get my number… anyone have an answer to this conundrum?

 

More Things For Thought2013 badge 7 - Copy

*I have never understood why people say hurtful things… like “wanna go for a run?” or “here, try this kale.”

*We turned the wedding China into a divorce mosaic.

*I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people… because their head is protected by their butt cheeks.

*Much easier than running from your responsibilities is just ignoring their existence.

*If everything happens for a reason… explain scrapbooking.

*For god’s sake, don’t blame the holidays… you were fat in August.

*I’m sorry, dear, but unlike you I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn… I’m more like a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

*General Lee didn’t have kids… a parent lee not. (Moan).

*A woman without curves is like a road without bends… you might get where you’re going quicker but the ride is boring as hell.

*I wonder how many people would eat rabbit stew if it were called bunny-rabbit stew.

*How the hell wizards never set fire to themselves I’ll never understand… trying to make potions and such with those huge, dangly sleeves.

*And all of a sudden those dingbat neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year look like geniuses.

*”If you don’t let the Jews go I will find you and kill you.”… Liam Nesson returns in “Taken 4: Schindler’s pissed”

*I tried yoga but it’s just not for me… my “downward dog” looked more like snoopy getting stuck in the dog door.

*The quickest way to find the lost needle?… set fire to the damn haystack!

*Most of my wives think I’m a Mormon!

*My boss sent me home today… apparently, “The later I get here the sooner this ends” isn’t the right answer to “why are you late?”

*Romance movies damage relationships because they deceive women into thinking those types of situations actually happen in real life… men are equally deceived by porn movies.

*I really don’t mind it when the voices in my head sing off key… I just wish they would all sing the same song.

*If I got paid by the number of idiots I had to deal with at work instead of by the hour I’d be retired by next week. 

*The spider in my shower this morning was probably thankful he got washed down the drain… after the view of me he got from that angle. 

*Nail polish is lipstick for deaf people.

*Singing in the shower is all fun and games ’till you get a big gulp of shampoo in your mouth… then it’s just a soap opera.

*In Tennessee two people are being sued for $2 million for burning down an apartment complex trying to cook a squirrel with a blow torch… I’m not an accountant but it sounds like they might not have $2 million!

*Keep your head high… and your middle finger higher!

*”Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!”… Who am I kidding? I hope it hits you and knocks you off the front porch.

*I think I’m that rare combination of keenly observant and completely clueless.

*It’s time for all of us to admit that the “endorphin rush” we supposedly feel after exercise is in actuality just an overwhelming sense of relief it’s over.

*How is Dorito not Spanish for door?

*Of course morning sex is better… you haven’t spent the whole day annoying the hell out of each other.

2015pic2

 

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March 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #612 (3-18-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Norma Jean South 1932-2016

 2016Norma obit

            Another one gone… If you were involved in the veteran community you knew who she was. If you gave blood or helped the less fortunate you knew who she was… If not you may not have known her, Norma South, or many others like her now in her same age range group.

It is a mass passing of the backbone of this, and all other communities, happening now and for a little while longer. The WWII era group who spawned this newer nation came from a time when right was right and wrong was wrong. They worked hard to save our nation and then brought forth the next generation… now they are leaving us nationwide in astounding numbers.

            What are they taking with them? Courage, honor, respect and a work and religious ethic which has dissipated down to whatever it is we have today.

The point? If you know the Lucy Vassars, Heber Holbroooks, Bob and Mona Fletchers, etc. now would be a good time to pay them a visit, thank them for their contributions to our lives. Just showing up at their funerals is no great tribute and trust me; they won’t give a damn if you are there or not. But a visit, a card or a phone call just to say hello and check on them now would be meaningful.

We’re all on that final path. Some of us are just going to take longer to get there than others and no one knows why or when our number will be called. But we can all take a few minutes to think of ways to ease the journey of our many productive senior citizens who have paved the way for us.

I don’t usually visit dead people ceremonies unless I’ve seen them when they were alive but when I do, I see many people in attendance and I guarantee 90 per cent or better hadn’t seen, called or visited the deceased in a long while. You hear the conservation at the free food afterwards and no one talks about seeing them the recent past. You know… ‘It’s been years but…” B.S. You know of anyone whose funeral you may attend when they check out then make damn well sure you pay attention to them now when they can use your friendship, help and support. The sermon is over, amen… just remember your day is coming.

 

On the morning of Sunday, March 13, 2016 Norma Jean South passed away peacefully at home after a brief battle with cancer she was 83 years old. A celebration of her life will be held Monday, March 21 at 11:30AM at the American Legion Hall located at 1305 North First Street, Dixon, California. See photo and obit on page 3.

 

 

For Post St. Pats Day

2015x3

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; and in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.          Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay. “I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”

 

Local Stuff…

2016Feb2

            You know people run for local office for various reasons, ego, supported by special interest, the backing of one political or community organization or another to further their agendas. In my case I ran for only one reason and that was to help the citizens of this community with LOCAL problems and try to make things better. I took nothing from no one and am beholding to no one other than the voters… This doesn’t set well with some folks but that’s their problem. I’m not one that’s running for office.

Now you have those that have run for office and lost, and those who used to be in office, and those that want to be in office, all Monday morning quarterbacking with all of the answers… I have news for them… B.S. only takes you so far… the public is smarter than you think… They didn’t elect you!

In my year and one half on the council this time around I’ve concentrated on things like getting North First Street Paved, the high school traffic total impaction, getting us a new post office, getting that damned overpass built, solar traffic safety signs by all schools to show cars actual speed (and hopefully slow the idiots down), trying to make all groups asking the city for taxpayer’s monies to provide an audit of their organization and a P&L before we dole out dollars because they are friends of someone.

How about the city dedicating city property site for the proposed museum for the Dixon Historical Society to place the historic home they are being given? I’ve also hounded the city to keep on Cal Trans to fix State Highway 113 from here to Highway 12 and to get them to put up a lighted crosswalk at the fairgrounds before someone is killed.

I also keep rattling the chains about the two 50 car trains proposed to come through Dixon on a daily basis filled with toxic, highly explosive crude oil on their way to Benicia’s Valero refinery. So far all I received from fellow elected officials is “Do you know what Valero means to Solano County?” To which I responded, “Who gives a flying F…? When and if ever a train derails and cook, kills and poisons a big chunk of our citizens you can tell them how much the oil money means to you. There have been two derailed trains nearby in our part of the state in the past month… chances of a derailment here… can’t happen huh?

And you don’t dare mention Recology is bringing in a zillion tons of San Francisco’s garbage to our dump site just a few miles south of town…Further ruining our roadways and infecting our air and water… I guess that’s good for US too huh? The city has a sweetheart agreement with the company that says they can’t be moved out or forced to do/or not do anything… Nice huh?

How about the cable company? They have an exclusive franchise agreement with the city but no one has seen it in years and doesn’t even know when it’s up. It used to say they couldn’t raise rates without city approval and had to have an office here… who knows what it says now or when it should be reviewed? I’m saying now.

Can I get any or all of this stuff (plus others) done? Who knows, but at least I’m trying and I’ll leave the country, state and federal junk to those who think they can make a local difference at that level. I’m concerned with the little battles and not necessarily the big unwinnable wars. Win a few here and there and the public benefits. Who else do you have fighting for you and watching your political backs?

 

More Things For Thought…

2015Xmas7

 *I hate it when people reply with only “K”… well potassium to you too, butthead!

*Facebook weather forecast: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bulls*** blowing in from all directions.

*What black and never works… decaffeinated coffee, you racist jerk!

*Wal-Mart is closing 296 stores throughout the country in 2016… This will put approximately 17 cashiers out of work.

*What do you give the girl who has everything… penicillin?

*My new diet plan: I’m making cupcakes for all my friends and family… the fatter they get the thinner I look.

*Can you imagine if the internet and cable TV just suddenly shut down… and you see all those confused people coming out of their homes and squinting in the sun!

*If a red haired man works in a bakery… is he a ginger bread man?

*Better ‘copulate’ than ‘copunever’.

*I’ve found that people have stopped asking me stupid questions… since I started answering them with interpretive dance.

*Fun fact: Humans are deuterostomes, which means that when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening… some people seemingly fail to develop beyond this point.

*When a woman says “guess what?” It’s like trying to decide whether to cut the red, green or black wire to defuse a bomb.

*I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures… it’s my damn face.

*Dog the Bounty Hunter’s biggest weakness is getting distracted when someone throws a tennis ball.

*There appears to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging from the rear-view mirror and how crappy a driver you are.

*Stop struggling! They play this music in the elevator because we’re supposed to slow dance, lady!

*If I was a plastic surgeon I’d put a squeaky toy in with breast implants… as a fun surprise.

*Remember those impossible math word problems… if you have 4 apples and I have 7 pencils how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don’t wear hats.

*Beer will be waiting for you after work… even if no one else cares about you.

*When someone says “I haven’t seen you, like, forever”, a fun response is… “I know, we’re really not that good of friends.”

*The world is not filled with idiots… but they appear to be strategically placed so you come across at least one a day.

*Apparently a “DNA-at-home test kit” does not make a good baby shower gift.

*Have you heard that having too much sex causes memory loss? I read it on page 54 of a medical journal on December 12, 2002, at my doctor’s office when I was sitting next to a guy in a blue shirt waiting for a prostate exam.

*Beer without alcohol is like porn on the radio.

*The only thing more shocking than finding water on Planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

*When I find a self-help book at a second-hand store I always wonder… did it work or is it B.S.?

*People are worried about global warming and social security……the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

*A dog is capable of learning 250 words and gestures and count to five, equivalent to a three-year old human… a cat, on the other hand, doesn’t give a damn and is tired of your crap, equivalent to a 37-year old human.

*If the US will admit that Trump’s campaign is a hoax Australia has promised to come clean on the platypus.

*I’m homophobic, but in the same way I’m arachnophobic.  I have nothing against gays or spiders… but I would scream if I saw one in my bathtub.  

 

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March 11th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #611 (3-11-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

2019e

REMEMBER TOMORROW NIGHT,  TURN THE CLOCK FORWARD SO YOU CAN MAKE THE OUT OF DATE MORONS THAT INVENTED DAYLIGHTS SAVINGS TIME HAPPY. WE’RE WAY PAST NEEDING TO DO THIS ANY MORE AND I UNDERSTAND THERE’S ANOTHER MOVEMENT IN CALIFORNIA TO HAVE IT ABOLOISHED/IGNORED IT LIKE HAWAII AND INDIANA HAVE DONE.

2016Jim4

Off To A Stormy Start

2016Jim

We missed the first “Citizen of the Year” diner since it began decades ago to attend the wedding of Dixon city manager Jim Lindley which was supposed to held in a patio area of a restaurant in Sacramento. Remember last Saturday night…50 MPH winds blinding rain and the worst stormy night we’ve had in quite a while.

So not detoured, Jim and Paula, became Mr. and Mrs. Lindley in the kitchen of the restaurant with dozens of family member from both sides in attendance.

I took this photo or this couple truly happy in love. They both had been married before and had their adult children there for the special event.

*****

Be very careful when you go out on the street. Yesterday at around 8:30pm a bastard who was wearing a black sweatshirt pulled out a pair of scissors on me. Luckily I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I would have pulled out paper he would have won.

 *****

From The Email bag…

Ted: I just found out, by checking the CA Secretary of States website, that I, as a registered “Non Partisan Party (NPP)” voter will not be able to vote for a Republican candidate since the Republican Party did not notify the Secretary of State that they will allow “no party preference voters to vote in their presidential primary election.” If that’s the case my choice will be to either re-register Republican so I can vote republican or vote for Bernie Sanders or Hillary since the Democrat party will allow “no party preference voting.” There may be a lot of NPP, INT, LIB that may want to vote Republican but cannot. Please alert them. If anyone wants to re-register in order to vote Republican in California at the June 7, 2016 primary they must submit their re-registration form by May 23, 2016Here is the link to the CA Secretary of State website. http://www.sos.ca.gov/…/political…/no-party-preference/

This is true according to Greg Coppes who is running for state senate but it only pertains to the presidential election and things are currently in the mill to change it.

*****

 I received this from a friend of mine. He really could use your help.

2016Jim1

The ad reads: This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.

 

Check Auto Correct

2016Jim2

Hi George: This is Bob next door. I’m sorry, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again.

Regards, Bob

George, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately goes into his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife, killing her instantly. He returns to the lounge where he pours himself a stiff drink and shakily sits down on the sofa. He takes out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text when he notices he has another message:   Hi George, This is Bob next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, my predictive text changed ‘Wi-Fi’ to ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!  Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards Bob

 

Things You Oughta Know…

 2016Jim3

  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  • · Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  • · The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
  • · The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  • · Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  • · Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
  • · For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
  • · The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
  • Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! ·
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years. ·
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end. ·
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • · Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • · Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • · The song, Auld Lang Sine, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
  • · Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • · Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.
  • · The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • · Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • · The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • · Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  • · The University of Alaska spans four time zones. · The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  • · Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • · Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.  · A comet’s tail always point away from the sun.
  • · The S wine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  • · Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • · If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. .
  • · When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

 

Things for Thought

2016Hilary1 

*I’m so lazy and out of shape… I don’t even run from my problems.

*I put French vanilla cream in my French roast coffee… I’ve already spit on three Americans and surrendered to a bratwurst vendor.

*With over 7 billion people on the planet one person shouldn’t have the power to ruin your entire day.

*I’m bringing “slightly attractive” back into vogue.

*I think softly singing “true colors” as I tenderly stroke your cheek is romantic… but the woman I just met in this elevator disagrees.

*I haven’t even walked a mile in my own shoes.

*I dated a girl who was very sexually naive.  I asked her to do missionary… and she went to Africa for 10 months.

*Ever see a butt so big you wonder if they wipe with Bounty?

*Just one more gray hair and I’ll be allowed to power walk in the mall before it opens.

*The neighbor told me he married her 35 years ago for her long legs and big boobs… now she has long boobs and big legs.

*I wish I was as fat as I thought I was 10 years ago.

*I’m pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death. 

*I think the damn dog acts scared of the vacuum just so we don’t involve him in the housework.

*There are a couple of drug commercials that mention “urgent diarrhea” which implies there is also a non-urgent, more laid back form of diarrhea… which I’ve never experienced.

*Maybe Jehovah’s Witness’s keep knock, knock, knocking ‘because they’re looking for Heavens Door.

*What’s a librarian’s favorite food?… SHUSHI!

*I think it’s a fair conclusion to say that women live longer than men… just so they can have the last word.

*Double-stuff Oreo’s should just be called Oreo’s… and regular Oreo’s should be labelled “diet Oreo’s”.

*Young guys think hooking up with an older woman is cool… because you leave in the morning with a juice box and some fruit roll-ups.

*I find it insulting when cashiers look at my money like its fake… if I knew how to counterfeit money I’d be doing wilder shit than going to McDonald’s.

*Never make fun of an ugly girl with a lisp… she’s probably thick and tyred of it.

*High-definition porn is so clear… you can actually see how disappointed their parent are.

*With the choices shaping up for presidential candidates I feel like the Simpson’s are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us.

*iTired… there’s a nap for that.

*People always ask “would you rather be right or happy/”… I find I’m the happiest when I’m right.

*Not too brag but I’ve found I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines in the city.

*If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter… none of this would be an issue.

*I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.

*My girlfriend and I broke up over religious differences… I was an agnostic and she was Satan.

2016Jim5

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