September 21st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #746 (9-21-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 745 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

Seen any of these signs? They must be collector’s items because several went missing shortly after I put them up. Bring ‘em back and I’ll autograph it for a $5 contribution to my election fund. If you live on a corner house or on a street with heavy traffic in the northwestern portion of the city and want to display one to help me out please call on our landline at 678-2203.

My opponent is being endorsed by the far left and backed by the LGBT the same as Scott Pederson who is running for office in District 1.

We are in, and I currently represent District # 2 (even though I was voted to my current elected post by all of the voters in the city)… just in case you wondered… District #2 is geography roughly located from McDonalds, East, down Stratford to 7-11 then south on Adams to Cheaper (at the corner at West A St.) and then West to N. Almond and North to West H. Street (kind of a big L shape). If you live in this strange L shaped area you’re mine so to speak.

This is a strange election and will be my last campaign…  After devoting our lives to this city and its government, off and on over four decades, for 16 years, I’ll retire after four more years. I’m only running again to make sure the many projects which I either started or that I‘ve been working on come to fruition.

I haven’t missed a city council meeting in the 16 years I’ve served and we’ve planned our whole lives, vacations, hunting trips, etc. around the city council meetings. I’m not complaining, I take my job seriously and it comes with the territory if you are conscientious.

Candidates make all kinds of promises to get elected and then fall flat on their faces when they can’t deliver because they forget (or don’t realize) when they are making all of these campaign promises they need two more votes to do anything.

There are many people in the community who know just some of the things in which I/we have been involved that will leave a lasting impression on this city. For example you can ask MaryAnn McDonald if there would be a Northwest Park if it wasn’t for my persistence as a councilman and newspaper editor encouraging (demanding) the developer (her husband at the time) donate the land…Or Delores Garton (one the of the first Little League board members) if there would be either a Little League or Little League fields without me being both on the city council and editor of the Dixon Tribune at the time. Ask Brenda Gilday about me, she one of the first trend setters for women to coach in both soccer and Little League and serve on their boards. She can attest to my long standing commitment to both of those programs…It goes on and on… actual deeds not words… and somethings very few know: how I had to really fight to get the police department (with the council’s urging) to hire the first female officer, the first Hispanic officer and the first and only male hairdresser officer in the 60’s and early 70’s… you think that was an easy thing to do? The right thing, yes, Easy, not on your life… those were three not popular battles in a community of 1,800 conservative people…

Yeah, “but what have you done for me lately”? I’ll tell you some of the things. I have been the lead singer, so to speak, of the city’s vocal group, on many things that affect us all on a daily basis… Like: working with Cal Trans and Solano County on our highway and streets… You think it was quick and easy to get the off ramp out by Walmart repaired or the on ramp out off West A. Street finally fixed. How about the dangerous county roads addressed (like Porter and Pitt School) that have claimed so many lives and ruined many families?  Been out in the country lately? Our county supervisors have done a great job, along with STA addressing the safety problems at the worse intersections with apparent success.

Cal Trans has promised to enhance the safety measures at Midway and St. Rt. 113. All of these things that appear to be “suddenly happening” have taken years of constant “reminders” to the powers that be to get the job done. How about the solar speed zones at ALL schools and the red light warnings on stop signs? How about the fact we now have SRO’s (armed school resource (police) officers) in line for the high school and one for the Jr. High/ elementary schools to provide a measure of safety and a link to law enforcement for our children? You think that just happened? Wrong. All of these things took years and constant “reminders” to the right people and agencies that we in Dixon need to be heard and helped. And if you stay persistent sometimes you can make things happen… It wasn’t luck or chance that made these, and many other things get done…It was having one person who refused to take “no” or no action as an answer…. I’ve been called the pit bull of local government,… which is one of the nicer terms applied to my hounding style of getting the bureaucracy to respond…but my “whatever it takes” philosophy has been successful with getting the end result… coming from the  tenacity  bred into me I guess.

When Little League, Soccer, youth basketball, swim team, or other groups have a problem guess who they call? Yep, you guessed it. They call the person that “can get things done”…and have used me as the “go to person” for years.

No Swimsuits in the Miss American Pageant? WTF?

Miss Michigan Rima Fakih competes in bathing suit portion of the Miss USA 2010 pageant, Sunday, May 16, 2010 in Las Vegas. Fakih was later crowned Miss USA 2010. (AP Photo/Isaac Brekken) Original Filename: MISS_USA_NVIB108.jpg

Talk about un-American carp or political correctness going to the extreme; women of the feminist movement have finally put enough of their people in place to pervert a beautiful American tradition.  Good move. The swimsuitless Miss USA pageant ratings sunk like the Titanic. Duh.

I mean, come on, the Miss America Pageant without swimsuits is like: baseball, football, soccer, bowling, golf, or tennis without balls.  This contest was already that way!

I mean, come on, their reasoning… this: “Making girls feel they are not up to par unless they have a beautiful, in shape body” is a fallacy  (all young women should strive to be the best they can be and make the most of what they have…beauty, after all is in the eye of the viewer not the viewee.

Little girls have always dreamed of becoming ‘Miss America” and what’s wrong with striving to have the best mind, body and spirit you can possible have. All former winners have been role models for millions of girls. This political correctness stuff needs to end.

Take down historic statues because someone is offended (boo-hoo), bend over backwards (carefully and look over your shoulder while doing it I might add) to accommodate those on the other side… The silent majority (my people) need to speak up and remind them (the others) who’s really in charge… I’m banking on you in the coming election.

Country house for rent!

We have a place about 10 miles out of town that is perfect for a family that appreciates and knows how to live in the country. Not everyone can live on an 80 acre cattle ranch. You’ve got noises that are music to the ear to some folks an annoying to others. Then you have a beautiful view of the foothills one way and the sierra on the other and the windmills off in the distance. It’s a modern modular with four bedrooms and three baths down a one-way in and out driveway. It’s not cheap, but its big. It will take the right person(s) for us to enter into an agreement but it is perfect for that right person or family that knows what country living is like and loves the solitude, serenity and country style of living. For the right person there is also a huge shop for rent if they have a business or need a huge storage space. The place needs a little touch up from the last family that left abruptly but nothing major… and could be moved into immediately and we can get updates done in conjunction with the renter. Not many places like this in Solano County. So if you know someone who has been displaced and needs or want a fairly large home in the middle of nowhere, but close to town, call Linda or me at 678-2203

More Things for Thought see next week or go to tedhickman.com.

* Its ok to buy your grandma those leopard print bikini undies to match her liver spots.

*I knew it was a sign that the end times were near…….when the wife casually dropped an f-bomb during the price is right.

New bedford, 1849.  A lone figure dressed in black paces languidly on her widow’s walk, one ivory hand caressing the balustrade……..the other holding her phone toward the sea attempting to get better reception.

If you want to be alone in walmart……..just go to the book section.

My grandfather was a bit of a hoarder and never liked to throw anything away……he died in the war holding a hand grenade.

Sometimes i just like to walk down a busy street and yell “hey! Dickhead!”……just to see how many schmucks will turn around.

Is it possible electric eels didn’t have a name…..until electricity was discovered?

When someone takes a near fatal fall down a flight of stairs the one thing nearly everyone forgets……the first couple of seconds were pretty damn funny!

But can i run with cuticle scissors?

Chimpanzees use tools more than any other animal with the exception of man……this is exactly why you never loan one your home depot card.

Do people who insist on a healthy breakfast every morning even know about cinnamon rolls?

My grandson wanted to know why geometry was important and i told him it’ll be obvious to him after he turns 30 and is trying to take a selfie……..and is trying to find the right angle to hide his double chin.

Why are they called a “wet nurse” rather than the “community chest”?

The titanic band all died after playing throughout the evening…….there are conflicting reports over the last number played with some saying it was “nearer, my god, to thee” while others said “hotline bling”.

Research has shown that resveratrol is an antioxidant found in wine which in large doses may be helpful for women…….with ‘irritating husband syndrome’.

When i have dinner with a vegetarian i order two steaks…….and use them as buns for my third steak.

After hearing unexplained noises late at night in the house the dog appears ready to defend us……..”down boy, you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket.

Sexual activities neurotransmitter release can unblock a stuffy nose…….but “wanna clear your sinuses?” makes for a shitty pick up line.

The guy sitting next to me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel……i think i may have found my soulmate.

I’ve never been on jeopardy but i have put toddlers to bed…….so i know what it’s like to be asked about things you’ve never even heard of.

“some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love, some call me mau-“……”sir, we just need a name to put on your latte”.

If we could can and save dog farts…….there isn’t a war we couldn’t win.

I hate when i get woken up in the middle of an afternoon nap…..it’s even worse when the boss starts yelling.

Studies have shown that migrating salmon swim twice as fast when given anti-anxiety medication and these happy salmon are more effective swimmers….of course you can’t let then operate machinery after a salmon dinner.

I used my medicare silver sneakers benefit and visited the gym, took the tour and filled out the application……and now i’m exhausted.

I don’t do selfies…….i already know what i look like.

Science has shown that using conditioner in your hair after a nuclear explosion causes radioactive particles to bind to the hair follicle…..the conclusion being that nuclear war causes split ends.

E-harmony should have a ‘pet section’ where by swiping right or something you can choose to hang out with their dog…..but not the owner.

The first sign that we were becoming an “everyone gets a trophy” nation……when pabst got that blue ribbon.

‘Give a man a fish and he has food for a day’ is lame…….show him where mcdonald’s is and he has filet-o-fish for a lifetime.

My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with cleanliness…….so i washed my hands of her.

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September 16th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #745 (9-7-18

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 744 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

“Dixon confronts a Trump trickle-down after vice mayor’s antigay comments… …San Francisco Chronicle”

To see thethe article  go to: https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/Dixon-s-dilemma-After-vice-mayor-s-antigay-13216250.php#photo-16132453

Excerpt: “The vice mayor of Dixon wrote his much-discussed column after he switched on his television June 24 and saw men dressed in leather chaps dancing on multicolored floats through the streets of San Francisco. It was the annual Gay Pride Parade. Sitting in his home 65 miles northeast of the city, Hickman — who has alabaster cropped hair, a matching white handlebar mustache and piercing blue eyes — worried that the “offensive” behavior shown at pride celebrations would become people’s perception of all of California.

Five days later, the 74-year-old raised his concerns in what he described to The Chronicle as a “tongue-in-cheek” and “satirical” column published in the Independent Voice, a weekly newspaper published by Dave Scholl, who prints 4,500 issues and delivers them himself”

Give it up it’s not going to work…

A chubby, grubby, long haired local troll and two obsessed vengeful witches, one local one not, must have little in their own lives of  real importance and spend much of their spare time trying to unsuccessfully  convince people that I’m things people know I’m not…give it up. Folks know both you and me for what we really are; I win, you lose. This is a traditional family community made up of a working class population that has family values and won’t be hoodwinked by any of your Gaystopo tactics. Good luck. The troll, who makes a nice living off the sweat an toil of his SEIU mandatory union workers got his picture and even a statement in the story above, Click on the link and see what you think. All-in-all not bad considering their audiences for which they write.

You know during all of this orchestrated crap not one word has been said about what I’ve done in my 16 years as an elected official, always elected by ALL of the voters of the city. Or about all of the things I/we have accomplished dedicating most of our adult lives to the city of Dixon and its people… No complaints there huh? I will fill in the blanks in the coming weeks and people can decide for themselves if they want to judge people by their words and their lack of credible action and more empty promises… or done deeds. I’m tired of the meaningless rhetoric and the time for actual facts is almost upon us…Yea!

 

9-11-2001… Wow; 100 Years ago, hard to believe!

            Enough of the “remember where you were stuff?”… I’m still peeved because we haven’t had sufficient payback to the countries and people who financed, trained and provided aid and comfort to the effort to hurt our country so badly… so as part of the healing process I did a little research and we still provide zillions of bucks and trade with these sand enemies as if nothing happened; something did happen, remember? NEVER FORGET. Those who forget the mistakes of the past are likely to make the same mistakes in the future…All of that aside, I was wondering what it was like in our country in 1918, 100 years before this present day tight butted society existed… and here’s what I found (Yes, I had run this before, a long time ago, but brought it back):

The year is 1918 “One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1918:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1918 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year.

A dentist earned $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian earned between $1,500 and 4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had no college education!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

  1. Pneumonia and influenza
  2. Tuberculosis
  3. Diarrhea
  4. Heart disease
  5. Stroke

The American flag had 48 stars…

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned soft drinks, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…

There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A. for the year!

I’m giving this to you without typing it myself.  From there, it can be sent to others all over the world all in a matter of seconds!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years…We’ve come a long way…

 

More things for Thought

*If you are “one in a million” this means there are 7,243 people just like you… which implies there are 7,243 people with a crippling personality disorder.

*Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey drumstick in the shower!

*It is now possible to buy pills that will cause passing gas to smell like flowers and chocolate… at long last, a valentine’s gift that actually makes some sense!

*I don’t have the time to worry about which bathroom the transgenders are using… I’m dealing with my own anxiety issues about using a public restroom.

*Two roads diverged in a woods, I took the one most traveled by… figuring there had to be a McDonalds or a Starbucks on the way.

*My wife seems to think I have one of those “how am in driving?” messages on my car!

*The last remaining Crocs manufacturing plant is closing… leaving dads to find another way to embarrass their teenage daughters.

*I was asked out by a woman on eHarmony who stated she had an “infectious smile”… turns out she had cold sores.

*Our landline rang today… the kids all got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm had gone off.

*I was prepared to pay $100 an hour to go see a psychic… but just before in did in found in could buy a huge box of fortune cookies for $18.50.

*Whatever, Usain Bolt, I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years!

*As red wine runs down my face and stains my shirt I conclude “man, you sure can eat a lot of bread!”… is not a comment a lady on a dinner date wants to hear.

*I never cried at weddings… until the one where the reverend asked me if ‘I do’.

*Some schmuck I knew in fourth grade just friended me on Facebook and what the hell do we have to talk about… “hey, Billy, still super into recess and foursquare?”

*Helen Keller was only allowed to pick out the blinds. (moan…)

*To all you young couples who are using your pets as ‘trial children’ you will learn nothing about parenting… because you can never teach a toddler to “sit!”

*”Exercise good judgment.”…. I think not!  I don’t exercise anything.

*Blueberries are supposedly good for your memory… now if I can only remember that the next time I go shopping.

*”I’m married to a raving lunatic!” is an actual quote from my wife yesterday confiding in the neighbors golden retriever… but the joke’s on her, that dog tells me everything!

*Escargot always makes me feel sluggish.

*Scientists discovered that alligators sport permanently-erect, hidden penises that they can whip out at a moment’s notice… ‘ Who looks for that kind of stuff?

*I don’t think schizophrenia has diminished my girlfriend… in fact; she’s now 3 of my favorite people.

*That will be $6.84 and would you care to donate $1 to the children’s hospital fund… or would you prefer to be judged and ridiculed by a taco bell employee?  

*I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend… and no longer work in the maternity ward.

*DuPont was found guilty for using a known toxic chemical in the making of Teflon… I didn’t think the charges would stick.

*(I have a friend that’s a doctor so when we decide to hang out we agree on a time… then I arrive 20 minutes late and after 3 minutes I leave.

*I’m actually kind of handsome… when you’ve had too much to drink, the lights are low, there are no other guys in the room and your standards are really low.

*When experiencing an orgasm the pituitary gland releases several neurotransmitters that stimulate healing and suppress disease helping one heal… of course, when you’re sick it’s hard to find anyone to play doctor.

*Farting in the nursing home isn’t considered rude… it’s actually kind of the secret handshake.

*”No Botox for me, thanks, I just keep putting on weight… in an attempt to fill out the wrinkles.”

 

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September 8th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #744 (9-7-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straightarrowted@gmail.com For the 743 Past consecutive uncensored columns “That’s Life” Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

“Drove my Chevy to the levy… Not”

Only car people or those in high school in the 50’s/60’s will fully understand this… but when you think about it, it’s really funny… Sent to me by an old high school chum… The owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent this:

On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town because it needed gas, as the gauge was on empty, but he wanted ice cream, so he headed first to his favorite ice cream shop.

He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking and eyeing the car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there, but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he went off to enjoy his ice cream.

The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realized… his car was gone. He called the police and reported the theft.

About ten minutes later the police called him to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out of town. It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a self-service gas station.

She told them that three young men had driven in with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and prepaid for $20 worth of gas. Then, all three of them walked around the car for quite a while. Then, they all got in the car and drove off, without filling the tank.

The question is why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never pumped and then abandon the car just a short distance away later and walk away?

 

They couldn’t find where to put the gas!

 

Nike Can suck it!

Colon Crapernick, the anti-American super schmuck has landed a position with the left wing liberal Nike company (after the NFL dumped him for his Anti-American stance). You know them. The multi-millionaires that have all of their popular products out sourced and made by starvation waged employees overseas… Yep,that Nike, should be Yike.

My Advice is if you don’t appreciate them throwing Crapernick back in our face as some kind of a hero or role model for our youth, is to give all of your Nike crap to the neediest homeless you can find.

Of course buy no more Nike logo products of any kind from shoes to clothes to hats. Just do it!

They have made Colon their star and consumers need to tell Nike where to shove all of anyone’s products carrying their logo… where the sun don’t shine. Just do it!

Disrespect this country, our fighting men and women, law enforcement and get a big sponsorship from a left winged waco bunch…when no team in the NFL will touch him… and to burn the public even more Nke started their ad staring him during the opening NFL game last night (Thursday)…  Screw Nike and any product that bears their logo. Find the poorest folks you can and give them all of your best Nike crap, and of course buy nothing with that logo Just do it! … show these hipster, ultra left wingers what you think of them shoving this piece of Turdlock . Ca. crap in our faces. It’s a shame I don’t have more space or I’d tell you what I really think… “Believe in something even if it means sacrificing everything..”  (What, he thinks he’s me now differing with the LGBTQY?-WTF crowd)  …. That’s  what the ad says… Hella big sacrfice and big bucks for not playing!… Give me a frigging break; Obama bout sums up the majority’s feelings for a change don’t you think?

 

More Things for thought!

Speaking of rats…Only in San Francisco…  When a friend or ours from Oklahoma was visiting with us he found his way into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking, that the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

 “Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinese man. The tourist quickly pulled out $12. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers, and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later, he looked behind him and saw to his horror, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay… Again, after a couple blocks; he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and they were squealing louder and coming toward him faster and faster.

He panicked, ran to the edge of the bay and threw the rat in and it was followed by millions that jumped in and drowned. He hustled back to the shop in Chinatown and looked up the old gentleman who asked him, “So you come back for the story?” The tourist said, “Nope, just wondering if you had a bronze Democrat!

*Have you ever postponed and rescheduled a dental appointment… just so you can catch up on your flossing?

*My dog thinks I’m just about the most amazing person on the planet… but I don’t let that go to my head ‘cut I’m pretty sure the damn cat has me figured out.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*Have you ever postponed and rescheduled a dental appointment… just so you can catch up on your flossing?

*Harley-Davidson will soon be selling an ecologically correct electric motorcycle… the purchase price will include a special helmet that will protect you from the ridicule and laughter of your biker friends.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*No one seemingly takes their job more seriously… than the guy responsible for gluing down the start of the toilet paper roll.

*Hookers… because sometimes you just want to pay cash up front and avoid the long-term payment plan.

*No one seemingly takes their job more seriously… than the guy responsible for gluing down the start of the toilet paper roll.

*My granddaughter just said to me completely out of the blue, “bob”, if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly… so your fat will save you.”

*I have a work wife but I don’t have sex with her… just like a real wife.

*My book group this month read “ventriloquism for dummies”… we met in the living room to discuss it but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

*After years of marriage I’ve learned the ultimate secret how to keep a woman satisfied in bed… let her sleep.

*So his client, a priest asked, “how is the mural on the chapel floor coming along?”… Michelangelo, (turning the plans 180 degrees), “craap!”

y-Davidson will soon be selling an ecologically correct electric motorcycle… the purchase price will include a special helmet that will protect you from the ridicule and laughter of your biker friends.

*My dog thinks I’m just about the most amazing person on the planet… but I don’t let that go to my head ‘cut I’m pretty sure the damn cat has me

*My origin story, like Peter Parker’s, also began with a spider bite…. but mine resulted only in a minor pustule, which although visually unpleasant required only a topical anti-infective.

*A corndog is just a meat Twinkie.

*My wife just stopped and said “you weren’t even listening, were you?”… I thought, “What an odd way to start a conversation.”

*I once dated a girl who was a twin and people asked how I could tell them apart but it was fairly simple… Jill used this odd purple nail polish, while frank had a scraggly beard.

*Do you not find it odd that first we have to pretend to be asleep… in order to fall asleep?

*Almost anything can be naughty fun…….if you add strawberry jam and duct tape.

*Unless you’re planning to be laid out shirtless in an open casket… there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

*I’m really disappointed that a goblet is just a cup… and not a miniature goblin.

*I would assume that the best part of working in Alaska is that after your commute into work… you get to bring your nine huskies into the office with you.

*The teacher corrected me and said “your colon is in the wrong place.”… “But my heart and kidneys are, right?”

*You put the cute in electrocute!

*We’ve run out of coffee this morning so the wife pressured me to go to the neighbors…….so I knocked and then awkwardly asked them to go the store.

*I punched out the mailman and threw away a vacuum cleaner today… the neighborhood dogs proclaimed me their king!

*Rode to the top of the space needle today in that frightful elevator with a whole lot of children amidst a great deal of screaming and crying… you’d thought one of them would have asked me “what’s wrong?”

*Ptarmigans are the depends of the aviary world… the pee is silent and you don’t want to get caught with one in your pants.

 

I’ve never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the first northern bank or send a check to me/us as “committee to re-elect ted Hickman” (acct # 01083764) @ 650 sierra dr. Dixon ca. 95620… please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… Over $100 it becomes public record.   $99 seems to be the magic number!

 

 

 

 

 

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September 2nd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #743 (8-31-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 742 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Hickman’s “Believe it or not

Even though you live in California and know wackiness has no limits… this one is both hard to believe and hard to swallow. Your libertard governor signed a bill Tuesday that will make Ca. the first state to eliminate bail for suspects awaiting trial if they can’t afford it. I guess if they say, “I’ll be there” it will be good enough to let them out of jail….A get out of jail free card if you will. I’ll go more into the convoluted reasoning next week. This is more than enough for now…check it out yourself!

Granny Get Yer Gun; Again!

Dove season starts Saturday.

 

Species Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove Statewide Sep 1 – 15 &
Nov 10 – Dec 24
15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves Triple the daily bag
Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove No limit
Eurasian Collared-dove All Year No limit

…So Saturday morning, if you live near the country it may sound like a war going on when actually it’s just the start of the annual 15 day hunting season for Mourning dove… and it will be like that, off and on, for the next 15 days gunning for the little pretty sounding birds you see and hear all of the time in the city. Unfortunately they are being bullied and bred out of existence by the invasive Eurasian collared-dove.    We try to shoot everyone one of the vulgar sounding pigeon like mega doves and lay off the little mourning dove when we can. (See photo of one of each above). Also pictured from a past year are  neighbor Shane Nichols and I in one photo and shot gunning Linda Hickman and Missy Nichols both shooting O/U 20 gauge shotguns, in the other… seen with near limits of the tasty critters. The fast flying birds are not easy to hit and with winds are even more difficult.

This is another food item which can’t be bought in the market but is considered a delicacy and relished by many.  PETA; yes we are active members and have a bumper sticker to prove it!

Speaking of Shooting…

If you own a firearm and don’t shoot it you might as well sell it or give it away (via licensed FFL dealer). No place to shoot it your say? Balderdash (whatever the hell that means). There are two indoor shooting ranges in Vacaville and they even rent handguns to try out if you don’t have one but want to get into the shooting sports; or just learn how to shoot to for self-protection. There is also a primo outdoor shooting range “Yolo Sportsman” located between Davis and Woodland (by the Davis airport) where you can shoot pistols and rifles…. The main sight-in area for deer hunters at this time of the year… Goggle all of them for more info.

We are lucky in Solano County that we have a sheriff who is not opposed to people have CWP (concealed weapon permits). The dimwitted sheriff  in Yolo County allows none I hear or makes it so difficult that many give up, or just don’t try. In Davis you don’t need one you can use words to hurt someone and just politely asked them not to rape, rob or kill you or your family and they will probably say Ok and just go away…In Woodland,  maybe not so much.

Our just re-elected sheriff, Thomas A. Ferrara, told me he has no problem issuing permits (they must be issued by the county sheriff’s department) to citizens with clean records with a reasonable reason for wanting one. The permits including, the class you must take, county and state permit fees and the time and travel it takes to get one up the cost a bit, but what the heck

You can get one by starting the process on Solano County’s web site, clicking on the Sheriff’s Department and then following instructions. Once you have your permit, and learn all of the ins and outs in the class you take (taught by seasoned law enforcement officers) you can then carry a handgun, concealed on your person (with some restrictions) or in your vehicle. With the way the world is today the time and money spent getting the permit could save you or your family in an emergency life threatening situation. In our immediate neighborhood we probably have a lot more guns and ammo that the police department. We have many hunters and shooters on our block alone.

You have to qualify with your handgun (s) you select to carry, and then renew and re-qualify every two years after taking a refresher course. I have had one (CWP) since the 60’s when my life was first threatened after doing a story on a drug bust. Most of our adult family members have one too. Honestly; It’s better to have one and not need it than need it and not have one.

In the Invading hordes magazine there’s a foot note that you might want to stay away from our area because the odds of you picking the wrong house to pillage or maim or whatever, are not in the bad guy’s favor. The rules are strict, the path not the easiest,  BUT you can get a permit in Solano County if you really want one. The photos below show my first wife, Linda shooting a .25 Browning auto and me a Glock 40 (with a laser sight). We were shooting practice rounds at an indoor range with the .25 the 9mm and the 40mm.at A.S.P. Shooting range, at 27 Commerce Place just of leisure town road… yes, we are good shots.

If you’ve ever thought about it now’s the time to act while we have a pro-CWP sheriff in office. A few years from now who knows?

 

More Things for thought

*Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight I give a karate bow to my opponent…in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I totally humiliate myself.

*I’m sick of hearing about this world class chef that supposedly works at taco bell! Everyone knows chefs don’t work at taco bell… your weed dealer works at taco bell.

*Jay-z has an underachieving brother named lay.

*They couldn’t explain the ever-increasing numbers of Christians and the continuing decline and dwindling population of lions…….but the Roman emperors thought they’d devised an elegant solution to both.

*Could someone familiar with cartoon lore tell me if Pluto, Goofy, Porky Pig, Donald or Mickey still has testicles……and if not, who was responsible for their neutering?

*Looking forward to the new show about enjoying Asian noodles… “everybody loves ramen”.

*The best form of transportation out of the big 3, (train, plane, ship), is the train… as it is the only one where you can see a cow out the window without feeling a justifiable sense of panic.

*Roses are red, violets are blue, and I need another cup of coffee…….and a donut, too.

*As she looked at the pregnancy test she said “hmmm, it’s positive. That’s strange.”… he thought back to opening the condom wrapper with his car key, “yep. Sure is.”

*I wouldn’t call myself an actor… but I once believably feigned interest for more than 7 minutes while a co-worker showed me baby videos from her phone.

*Solved the problem of getting dizzy when I stand up… stay seated.

*My bank’s website is just one letter off from some very descriptive porn site and it’s really annoying… I keep accidentally visiting my banks website.

*Was at the pet store and asked if the birdcage was made of nickel. “No, I think it’s made of aluminum”, he said… “Oh, migawd, it’s a nickeless cage!”

*Grandpa always said “drink until she’s beautiful… but stop before you ask her to marry you.”

*Have you ever noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn such as baseball, skiing, golf, whatever… there’s always some well-intentioned pseudo-expert telling you to keep your knees bent?

*I just ate an omelet made with organic eggs and sesame seed butter… never have I felt more prepared to buy a Prius.

*I washed a man in Reno… just to watch him dry.

*When we were young we didn’t have online dating so we’d write ‘for a good time call…’ on public bathroom walls … and then wait for the phone to ring.

*Got asked to leave a vegetarian potluck… for bringing animal crackers.

*My first day of work at the zoo I informed the boss “I got the pandas to have sex, it wasn’t that tough.”  He queried, “You actually got the pandas to mate with each other?”… “Oh, no, not with each other.”

 

I’ve never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the first northern bank or send a check to me/us as “committee to re-elect ted Hickman” (acct # 01083764) @ 650 sierra dr. Dixon ca. 95620… please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… Over $100 it becomes public record.

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August 24th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #742 (8-24-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Dixon Lions –Texas Hold’emTourney, tomorrow evening at the old Vet’s Hall downtown! You can still get tickets or just drop in by 6.

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 741 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

WARNING: This column was written by an award winning photo journalist without prior approval of the Dixon City Council, American Legion or the Dixon School board; so proceed carefully.

Switch Hitters on your city council!

Wanna play ball huh? I only know hardball!

…No more Mr. nice Guy, I warned you!

(Editor’s note: It wouldn’t seem like we would have to explain this but here goes: Ted Hickman is a reporter/photographer/columnist for this publication and has been from almost the start. He writes this very popular column as a columnist…it has no baring or relationship to his elected position as one of our city councilmen. That’s one hat, this is another. His record as an elected official stands on its own and goes without question as being one of the best in recent history.

           So, Ted Hickman has written this column for decades in various publications and continually for the last 14 & ½ years for this publication. He is a state and national award winning photo journalist and was singled out for persecution for a column he wrote in July saying he was personally offended by the television news coverage of showing California  where the huge gay pride parade was televised passing it off as the norm. He went on to say if the LGBT community has wrangled the whole month of June in California to be “gay pride month” then the month of July, starting on the 4th should be celebrated as “SPAM” Straight Pride American Month. Using his own brand of satire and humor he said he knew he couldn’t make any proclamation as Dixon’s vice mayor, but if he could he would proclaim July as SPAM month. He later said if he had it all to do over he wouldn’t have used only the two words “vice, mayor”.

          The ultra-left took this as an opening to rally troops around their causes and champion the LGBT movement… Several dozen people attended a city council meeting and protested Hickman’s right of free speech and demanded his ouster from the council and that he be stripped of his “vice Mayor” title… neither which occurred. Two of his fellow elected officials turned on him to settle old scores and joined the LGBT support movement calling Hickman’s column as “disgusting, horrible”, etc. They tried to get him removed as vice mayor and had authorities check to see if he could be removed from office… During all of this Hickman, much to his credit, stood firm and made no comments about any of it or his fellow councilmembers stabbing him in the back to gain LGBT political backing…Which brings us up to date and this column below explaining some things from his viewpoint.)

            Young councilman Devon Minnema will go down in Dixon political history, for seriously being questioned by many if he was eligible to run for council in the first place. Secondly he is noted for his embarrassing run for county supervisor foolishly thinking that his non-productive two years on the Dixon City council somehow qualified him for that higher office. Not only did he lose his own home town, but didn’t even carry his own council district (they didn’t even vote for him)… and then for orchestrating dirty politics campaign while giving Dixon negative publicity trying to have me crucified by his gay “friends” for a tongue-in-cheek article that appeared in this space in July, all of which failed.

His latest failure was to try and have me removed from the council or at least stripped of my position as vice mayor. The city attorney’s office and the first amendment coalition set him straight about what he and the council could and couldn’t do and told him to peruse this stupid high schoolish thing could cost the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars… so he had to eat it once more.

As a last ditch effort to save some face this LGBT supporting twosome (Minnema and Pederson) demanded and arranged for a statement to be read at the city council meeting last Tuesday which read: (out of context)“ we don’t agree with what you wrote”…Oh no, woe is me. Boy what a burn! To which I replied (after recusing myself from the stupid vote) “I didn’t ask for your agreement (and certainly didn’t need it)… what do you want now? You want to act as an editorial board and pre read all of my future columns? How about the other 740 I’ve written for the past 14 years and the over 1,000,000 (that’s over one million) words there? Are we going to go over all of those too; and (letters to my sister)? I’m sure you can find something offensive in a lot of them… This met with deadly silence too; WTH folks? Soo… the Dixon censorship, book burning board fizzled before even caught fire…

But at least two of your councilmembers tried to decide what you can and can’t read; gotta give them credit for that huh? The Gaystopo is alive and well in Dixon with two of your elected officials carrying their banner… go figure.

Give it up Devon. Yes, I/we supported John Vasquez, your opponent, for the supervisor race because has proven to be an effective, trustworthy, efficient leader for the people of Dixon and Solano county; and you; not.

As many of you may be aware, and some might not be, we have two of your elected city councilmen, who until a couple of weeks ago were self-proclaimed conservative, Christian, Republicans. At the fist LCH (let’s crucify Hickman) meeting back in late July councilmembers, Devon Minnema and Scott Pederson folded like a deck of cards and switched sides to become ardent supporters of the LGBT program with the backing of a union troll and a nasty, vengeful woman who doesn’t even live in Solano County. She is trying to control our local government here through a trumped up web site which she controls, censors, refuses to allow submissions, and uses it as a personal tool against anyone one (or thing) not to her liking…and a few people still read this garbage and think it really is an open site discussing objectively concerns of this city….. She doesn’t even live anywhere near here or even near Solano County, but keeps meddling in our city’s business like she really knows what’s best for us; … She’s an enemy of mine too because I voted against her appointment to the planning commission because I knew her true colors and intent… which became apparent shortly after taking her seat.

At last Tuesday’s meeting Pederson talked out of both sides of his mouth (again) using “Christianity” as his crutch and inviting everyone to “his” community/(his  house too I guess) where they will always be welcome… That was really big of him. He joined the LGBT anti- Hickman bandwagon (actually Minnema was the one who orchestrated the whole thing) and they have proclaimed their love and open support for the LGBT community…  They tried to orchestrate (they meaning Minnema and his follower Pederson) a move to get me removed as vice mayor so Minnema could take over the spot (like that would ever happen).

They again folded like a deck of cards and traded in their Republican, Christian values to proclaim their support and recognition of the LGBT lifestyle. Minnema answered a lot of questions when he came out at the first meeting to greet a fairly large crowd wearing his LGBT tie (see photo) and waving his LGBT flag for all of the assembeled media and world to see. The big media turn out was there to witness my cruicification but I woulnd’t play so all they had was the event promoter, Devon, to interview.At the next council meeting with a small audience he wore no colors. But he and Pederson both attended a local Gay pride picnic he promoted he wore his colors again . These are facts.

I’ve said nothing until this article…and now that I am really pissed for one of the things this group did to us; now it’s Katie bar the door,

The two city councilmen now have many people wondering about them…. Asking me about them. Their personal lives are their own and I don’t care what they do with whom or how… and I’ m tired of being asked” and lately I have been nastily replying, “If you want to know ask them. They came out in public supporting the LGBT, not me”…  I feel about them just like I feel about the rest of the LGBT community…they have their life styles and I/we have ours; “family values”. As long as theirs isn’t flaunted in my face I could care less about their cause, problems course or destination… It was live and let live.

I Hope the funding from the LGBT groups for his (Scott’s) re-election campaign, for his run to get re-elected to the city council, proves to be worth it. He and my opponent are their people, obviously, not me… And, again, I could care less what they put where or with whom…

My job as a councilman is to ignore this silly stuff and attend to city business… and to do the best I can for the city; and I can work with them (Minnema-Pederson), or around them. They have to continue to support the great programs I/we now have going for public safety and infrastructure up grades… because it’s the right thing to do they have no choice.

They are powerless and have shown their true colors…as have I. The only difference is I won’t digress. They have to explain themselves to the voters; I don’t, the voters understand me; always have! But you two and the council are right. The voters of Dixon will decide my fate, not your imported group of whatevers from all over.

Is this article going to bring another round of threats and attempts of intimidation? Who cares? What can they say they haven’t said, what can they try to do they haven’t done. Bring it. Just be careful because I am no longer in the defensive mode.

I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before, but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the First Northern Bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620please understand you, and your family members, can make anonymous donation of less than $100 by check or money order to any or all candidates, and it won’t be reported publicly… over $100 it become public record.

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized love/hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only these goals in mind…My defeat, and them having an alternate lifestyle liberal sympathizer elected and seated on our city council… As if  apparent new LGBT converted current city councilmen isn’t enough… They want a majority of “their people” to rule our city like they promised would happen…So here I am a straight arrow BTW (my election email is straightarrowted@gmail.com)…you can take it from here and add your own choice comments. In plain English, here in little old Dixon, it’ become a battleground between me and my “family values” and the Gaystopo…It’s that thimple.

Seriously, I’m accusing the LGBT of trying to interfere with the internal workings of the City of Dixon and taking over and influencing elected positions for a start. I have sent a message to USSR President Vladimir Putin asking for him to intercede in our upcoming election on my behalf. I’m pretty sure he’ll take my side in this matter. How about it Vlad? I’m being accused of being a “little Trump in Dixon politics’ and for that I thank you all.

The funny side of all of this is: Not one word or ctritisim about anything I have done for the citizens and city of Dixon as an elected official, NOT ONE…It’s a long list which will become apparent in the coming weeks and all of it factual…So there!

 

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August 24th 2018
Elk herd At Grizzly Island, Linda scores!

Posted under Elk Hunting Linda 8-17-18 & Hunting/Fishing Articles & That's Life Columns

Last week I ran a photo of part of an Elk herd

At Grizzly Island with …More to come. Remember?

Here’s the story: My first wife Linda and our sons have put in for the Grizzly Island special controlled “Elk Hunt” for over 16 years. Linda had 16 “points for the drawing” as did I. Wouldn’t you know it, Linda, the one not really motivated killer in our family, gets drawn for this special hunt.

Grizzly Island Wildlife Area is a state refuge of 8,600 acres of the Suisun Marsh surrounded by like 155 duck clubs. The native species of Tule Elk now roam freely after making a tremendous come back from 2 to 20 animals in 1860 to between 300 and 400 today… Those numbers, two to 20 animals, was down from the estimated 500,000 Tule Elk  that roamed this (and our) area along with Grizzly bears, and big numbers of Antelope and deer in the early 1800’s until market hunters decimated their numbers to feed the gold rush hungry 49ers.

The comeback was started in 1914 with 22 herds dispersed throughout the state… by 1971 there were over 500 animals in three major herds… the state’s programs have been so successful they now have to cull the herds to keep the populations healthy and from outgrowing their environment and possibly becoming a public nescience… and possible danger or going off the refuge and damaging surrounding private property and ranches. This year they issued 87 tags which included, mature bulls, spikes and antlerless (cows). Thousands apply each year for the strictly controlled numbers available in the computer drawings.

Elk go where they want and unlike cattle fences, roads, rivers, nothing stops or bothers them… and an aggressive bull or cow can be dangerous to the public, and to motorists if they get on to roads… so each year they take a few animals to keep the breeding population somewhat in check and have a full time biologist to monitor the herd, their numbers and general health…So…  It’s Linda that gets drawn, (naturally) for one of the few cow tags and last Thursday, for the 28th year of this special hunt, we get there before sunrise and try to find a herd… it’s a BIG place.

We, meaning Linda, our back up son, Shane Nichols, (see photo) and me. Only one person other than the hunter with the tag can be in the field to assist the hunter. I know my limitations and since the stroke a year ago and lot of my get up and go has got up and gone… so we got a healthy, in shape local USAF serviceman with which Linda was comfortable to go out into the field with her while I sat in the parking lot glassing the area. As it worked out the arduous hunt would probably have been a little much for me physically because I don’t know when to quit or rest and they had quite a physical time getting into and out of positions.

You can only park in designated areas and can only start your hunt from one of those areas so it doesn’t matter where you see the critters it’s basically spot and stalk in flat sometimes marshy land with little cover. The only way to hunt them we finally figured is to find a small herd, see their direction of travel and try to get ahead of them and wait for an opportunity. The first few hours of this approach didn’t work for one reason or the other. The bigger herds have many eyes and these are wild animals so it’s not a cake walk. A little later we found a smaller bunch and Linda and Shane made their way through dried ground, marsh, weeds, tulles and stuff and set up once more. They had a huge 7 point bull in rut pass within 40 yards of them bugling with steam shooting out of his nostril.

He paid no attention to them because he was herding his harem away from other bulls in the area. If you’ve never heard a bull bugle you really don’t know what chills up and down your spine can be. Early in the morning from a distance it sounds like a banshee wailing and can be heard for miles. Up close it is an experience you’ll never, never forget.

With this group were several mature cows, the kind they wanted harvested. When they finally got an opening (the herds are fluid and constantly move unless bedded down) and a clear shot was available Linda placed one of the new copper 180 grain (lead is illegal) 30:06 round just above the shoulder and dropped the huge 400 pound (see photo of huge heart) animal in its tracks. We had her practice at 100 and 150 yards with a big game rife she had never shot before. With a yardage meter Shane knew the distance to be within her accurate range at 170 yards. It was the first and probably last big game animal she had ever harvested. She has carried a rifle and shotgun for years and is a good shot, but only grudgingly has taken a few pheasants and dove. She has always enjoyed the outdoors experiences and hunting and fishing trips but just doesn’t have or want that killer instinct that her husband and sons have. She shot this elk because it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and shed a tear at the animal’s demise and will now hang up her big game rifle…

A heart the size of a bowling ball..

…But wait; she has also been drawn for a special either  sex shotgun slug only deer hunt at Grey Lodge Wildlife Area next month…which is even a tougher hunt with almost a primitive weapon….Then she can retire. How she alone got drawn and the rest of us didn’t is still somewhat of a mystery but what away to start and end your big game hunting career huh? She put a year’s worth of meat in the freezer for a couple of families, what a turnabout?

At one point we saw five mature bulls in one field and 11 spikes with another herd  on Grizzly. The herd is healthy because of great herd management and keeping the numbers in check. When the season ends in September it’s a great drive for you and your family to take. Less than an hour door to door from Dixon.

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August 17th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #741 (8-17-18)* By Ted Hickman …

Posted under That's Life Columns

All of you fans might really want to read next week’s column…the gloves are coming off, I’m through taking this crap and I’ll be explaining a lot!

Don’t forget the 11th annual Lions Club Texas Hold’em fund raising Fun tournament next Saturday at the old vet’s Hall in downtown Dixon. If you’ve never played but have always wanted to see how good you are with those not your neighbors, family or friends, come on down and join us. It’s a yearly fun night for me (see photo).  It’s a $75 donation to a good group for local causes and its laid back, fun, and you get tri-tip sandwiches to boot. Contact a Dixon Lions Club’s member or go to their web page for more info.

Coast Rifle season opened last weekend;

  • Inland archery this weekend!

300,000 plus acres burned from about Ukiah to Lake Berryessa in two separate fires that started about an hour apart burning homes, livestock, and wildlife and costing human casualties.  If they catch the SOB that started them why not life in prison; or death.  A couple of fires lately were started by convicted arsonists out walking around free as a bird… And, BTW, can someone tell me why the looters in the Redding fire couldn’t be shot on sight? How low can you get?

An arsonist that caused the loss of life, not to mention thousands of homes lost and many family’s life works and possessions destroyed should never see daylight again. But then again, this is California, the state know world-wide to be comprised mainly of fruits and nuts. So here they go to court and give some lame assed excuse about an abusive childhood or a genetic quirk and they set them free to light another one… WTF folks?  At least take away their matches

Along with all of the tremendous devastation over a big chunk of Northern California it encompassed  the destruction of the pear growing region Hopland, Ca. one of our favorite hunting spots… high above the Mendocino County valley where we’ve enjoy the morning clouds below us  as we overlooked  the vineyards and see a lot of wildlife… no more. The photos below, of the hills of Hopland will still be the same…Just grey-black-white ash and orange patches from the air drops replace the rolling oaks and dry grasses…

Elk at Grizzly Island? 

There sure are! I took this photo of a small herd last week with my cell phone. Grizzly Island is a huge DFG refuge in Suisun and there is a Tule Elk herd now living there, spread far and wide that numbers 400+. It’s really something to see. Hopefully, I’ll have more on this next week… Linda, of all people got drawn for a once- in-a- lifetime tag to harvest a Tule elk… this week.

More Things for thought!

*My girlfriend was quite disappointed when I came home from the store empty-handed.  She said “I thought you wanted to buy me something I would look good in”… to which I replied, “sorry, no one sells the dark.”

*A man took five years to write a 1,305-word suicide note prior to killing himself… what made him suicidal, writer’s block?

*Growing up as a fat kid… I thought a “jam session” sounded delicious!

*I met a really nice girl in a club last night and after some great conversation and a few drinks she asked if I would like to go to her place for sex… I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I said no.

*I got thrown out of law school… for cheating on the ethics exam.

*Still confused about why my wife’s going to a baby shower today… considering we have a perfectly fine adult sized shower here at home.

*A guy got crushed when he fell between a floating dock and a ship… you could say he died from pier pressure.

*I’ve been reading “Lord of the Rings” and apparently Gollum was once a normal guy until wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and joy of life… it’s probably the same one I put on when I got married.

*At the age of 97 my grandmother still races horses… although she never wins.

*I was sunbathing on the beach and a woman came up to me and asked, “What do you think of my flip-flops?”… “They’re horrible,” I replied, “put your top back on!”

*A successful relationship is not one based on a physical connection… rather a ‘spiritual’ one like vodka, or bourbon or gin.

*A bear walked into a restaurant and ordered a salmon________sandwich.  The waiter asked, “What’s with the big pause?”… the bear replied, “Really?  I’m a bear!”

*According to the movie “The Founder, a narrative about Ray Kroc and his relationship with the McDonald brothers, Mr. Kroc was basically the hamburglar.

*The car in front of me had a “what would Jesus do” bumper sticker… well, I thought, he sure couldn’t drive any crappier than this schmuck!

*Sure, that old rabbit’s foot that you carry on your keychain is lucky for you… but the poor bunny it belonged to has to live with the nickname “stumpy” for the rest of his life!  

*Took a tour through Egypt… what the hell, they walk like everyone else!

*Statistics compiled show that only 1 crime in 1300, or less than 1%, are solved by DNA evidence… in case you were worried about drooling or masturbating while robbing a bank.

*When I first started dating my wife she asked me what my dreams were so I told her about the one I had where the T-Rex didn’t get a job ‘cuz he couldn’t tie his tie… apparently she meant goals.

*Sarcasm should be like a good tequila… so smooth you don’t feel the burn until long after you take the shot.

*The wife and I were staying at Howard Johnson’s and enjoying it… until he told us it wasn’t a motel, that was just his name, and would we please get the hell out!  

*They say laughter is the best medicine… which is exactly why I laugh when friends tell me they’ve contracted gonorrhea.

*”Excuse me, ma’am, but I have a huge package, especially for you.”… something I’d get to say everyday if I worked for UPS.

*Newlyweds say “I love resting my head on your chest so I can hear your heartbeat as I gently drift off to sleep”… a few years later it’s “I recorded your damn snoring so you can hear how friggin’ loud it is!”

*Calvin Klein will soon be releasing a new scent called “cougar”… a delicate blend of honeysuckle and vanilla with subtle undertones of cigarette smoke and desperation.

*I once had sex while enjoying a cold beer and didn’t spill a drop… I just wish there had been someone there to witness it.

*The first rule of camping:  don’t bring the kind of toilet paper that attracts animated bears.

*I find myself randomly shouting out “broccoli” or “cauliflower”… I think I may be suffering from florets.

*Three days after his death Jesus appeared to his faithful and said,” I would have been here sooner but someone left a bunch of eggs in the tomb and I wanted to find them all”… this may be why we have Easter egg hunts.

*I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian dolls… they’re just so full of themselves!

*An 83-year old former playboy bunny will be modeling lingerie for Victoria’s secret… apparently that

This is The Independent Voice. Really!  All other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who can’t control its content and refuse to acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher by subscribing ( it’s easy just send a check to:     ) or by advertising or at least supporting its advertisers telling them you saw their ad here, offsetting those loonies trying to shut down this paper by intimidating its advertisers.

 

 

 

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August 10th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #740 (8-10-18)* By Ted Hickman …

Posted under That's Life Columns

*

For the first time ever I Just opened an election account. Its at the First Northern Bank, Dixon called: “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” Acct # 01083764   (catchy huh?)

I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized love/hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only one goal in mind…My defeat, and them having an alternate lifestyle liberal sympathizer elected and seated on our city council… As if  apparent new LGBT converted current city councilmen isn’t enoughThey want a majority of “their people” to rule our city like  they promised would happen… *So here I am a straight arrow BTW (*my election email is straightarrowted@gmail.com)…you can take it from here and add your own choice comments. In plain English, here in little old Dixon, it’ become a battleground between me and the Gaystopo…Its that thimple.

They wanted (demanded is more like it) me to quit, resign now, roll over, and not run again…With all of their threats and organized terror tactics still happening it only strengthened my resolve to run again, on my outstanding record, and show these people exactly here the true heart and soul of this community lies. If their organized, well liberal financed campaign wins out in the end, so be it, but all of those of you who know me, know I won’t go down without a fight…A fight based on “Family Values” and the fact of what I’ve helped do for this city, not promises and pipe dreams and promises for their future

Deer Hunting Question…

Ted: Looking forward to hunting season… but I do have a question. If I shoot a buck in California, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim the buck wasn’t really a buck?

I mean … maybe he’d always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside I felt he’d always known he was truly a female. I’m just wondering if I can get the game warden to buy that story because a small part of society and the Supreme Court does.

BTW: I’ve seen a doe with antlers mounted in an Eagleville bar… for what it’s worth.

Elk at Grizzly Island?

 

There sure are! I took this photo of a small herd last week with my cell phone. Grizzly Island is a huge DFG  refuge in Suisun and there is a Tule Elk herd now living there, spread far and wide that numbers about 400. It’s really something to see. More on this later.

 

 

 

Tour de France, what a crazy thing!

If you look in the dictionary under insane you will see a picture of French people, obviously with limited mental capacity trying to run up a mountain, waving a flag in front of a bike rider huffing and puffing to get through the smoke cloud from a flare set off by another Mensa French person.

The “sports fans” wearing everything from speedos (all older men and not a pretty picture) to cartoon character costumes rooting for their favorite bike rider. The French really are nutsy about this sport and will go to great extremes to get to choice spots to watch their favorite wiz by in a matter of a few seconds. The reason for the fevered fans base according to sports folks is that it the only major sport (yes its big bucks and it is a major thing in all of Europe) is that it is the only sport where fans can get within touching distance of their heroes and fans do touch, slap, and push them one even got his camera strap caught on the handlebars of one of his heroes, wreck the poor schmuck and broke his back just last week.

When the tour came to Northern California a few years back we wanted to see what all of the excitement was about so we researched their route and found out it would be going on the back roads between Davis and winters on the way around Lake Berryessa. So we went out just beyond Stevenson’s Bridge and set up on the curve they would have to negotiate to get on the Putah Creek Road and waited for the “exciting” event to occur. They didn’t have any time when they would be by and I wanted to take pictures for the paper so we go there like an hour early. So we waited and waited and finally saw and heard a helicopter which is a sign they are coming. I got the camera ready and doubled checked the setting so I wouldn’t miss getting the pic I wanted… Then all of a sudden we see a bike, then a blurry sea of bikes, like 175 of them wiz by in no more than15 to 20 seconds… and that was it. Like my old Friend Mel Topance used to say…”And I shaved my legs for this?” Hardly worth it, although they do wiz by at breakneck speeds.

  

Newish from the email box (thank you!)!

  1. Do not argue with idiots. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience… One thing recent history has taught me.
    2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    3.
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
    5. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
    6.
    War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

    10.. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    11..
    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    12.. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    13.. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part
    that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor”.
    14..
    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    15.. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    16..
    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    17.. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
    18.. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    19.. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    20..
    There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    21.. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

22.. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
23.. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
24.. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
25.
I prayed to God for a new bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Signs:

*A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:

   We will heel you

    We will save your sole

     We will even dye for you.

 *a sign on a blinds and curtain truck: “Blind man driving.”

 *Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:  “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

 *In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

 *On a Septic Tank Truck :Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

 *At an Optometrist’s Office : “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

 *On a Plumber’s truck “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck : “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

 *At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :  “Invite us to your next blowout.”

 *On an Electrician’s truck :”Let us remove your shorts”

 *In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

 *On a Maternity Room door : “Push. Push. Push.”

 *At a Car Dealership : “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

 *Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming”

 *In a Veterinarian’s waiting room : “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

 *At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

         However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

 *In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

 *In the front yard of a Funeral Home : “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

 *At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”

 *In a Chicago Radiator Sho“Best place in town to take a leak.”

 And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

 

 

The Independent Voice. Really!  All other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who won’t acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher by subscribing and supporting its advertisers by telling them you saw their ad here.

 

 

 

 

 

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August 3rd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #739 (8-3-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 737 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

This is a sneak peek at my new book cover. The book is titled; “How to start a national movement without even trying(subtitled: “LBGTQ VS Family Values” the boomerang effect.)

For the first time ever I Just opened an election account at the First Northern Bank, Dixon called: “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” Acct # 01083764  I’ve Never asked for contributions or endorsements before but this time I’m being advised to fight fire with fire…or money with money, depending how you look at it. You can make or send deposits at or to the bank or send a check to me/us as “Committee to re-elect Ted Hickman” (Acct # 01083764) @ 650 Sierra Dr. Dixon Ca. 95620

 

Our anniversary; birthdays, Etc…

In the photo above…Linda and Ted Hickman, Aug 1, 1964, Wright Patterson Air Force Base, Dayton, Ohio… We haven’t changed a bit; except, Linda’s gotten more beautiful and I’ve grown into my ears. August 1st is also our eldest son, Trey’s 42 birthday. We had him on our anniversary so I didn’t have too many dates to remember… and as a premature baby back then I’ve never forgotten how we came close to losing him at birth!

In the photos above…Linda’s and her on her mom’s 94th birthday which was July 25, Trey’s 42nd is Aug 1st and his daughter Shannon will be 14 on August 7th. The photo of him and his daughter is for those who haven’t seen him in a while, since he’s been helping out our friends and working in Oklahoma all summer. He’s kind of laid up right now  back there just coming off an ugly surgery to repair a badly torn Achilles tendon he popped stepping in an armadillo hole getting off a tractor. If you have his email or phone send him a text or email… he’s still cutting and bailing those huge round bales of hay with his foot in a cast and his rifle nearby to thwart any threat from more wild pigs that are tearing up the ranch.

 

 

Stop! Caution: Read no further if you are satirically, irony, or otherwise impaired. Back handed jibes, questionable humor and tongue-in-cheek are SOP. This weekly column is considered toxic by a few with a limited mental capacity to think outside their own narrow background, education, peer group and hang-ups. If you fall into any of these categories or are hooked on any one-sided social media site, too young, to old, to immature, or possibly a Demoncrat or Libertards: stop now.

 

 

Instead: Read something that brings you comfort, assume a fetal position, suck your thumb (or whatever) and find your inner peace…because this weekly space will never produce what you need…Like ever… some say its “toxic”. Sometimes, I don’t think so, but maybe. So what the hell are you doing reading this if it offends you so greatly? I know; it’s like a traffic accident, you don’t want to look at the carnage but you can’t help yourself. So if that’s the case, its ok, you can be a closet reader. You don’t have to tell anyone you read any of this stuff… Just don’t read and then bitch about it… or do, I really don’t care, bitching is apparently good for your soul…and you gotta do what you do best.

What did you do last Saturday, anything productive?

When you have a full time job as part of the U.S. military, are married and have two small children spare time is severely limited. So when a USAF neighbor found he had an early Saturday morning open were on the water well before sunrise to fish for “largemouth” black bass. We had forgotten the benefits of the pre sunlight presentation of different lures. To make long story shorter… we caught and released more than four limits (limit is 5 each of 12+ inches) in the one and one-half to three + pound category, plus lost a couple of BIG ones (see photo above … does my cell phone with its portrait lens take great photos or what? I rarely use the 35mm anymore). We started with buzz baits and surface lures in pre-light (what a kick), changing to shallow crank baits with some light and then went to spinners and plastic worms when the sun hit the water… and caught fish using every method and lure type we tried.  All of this done in the local sloughs about 15 miles south of here. And again, the wild black berries are at a premium about now. Almost all water ways and rural ditches have them growing. You can tell when they are at a premium…It smells just like cotton candy when you get close…Yum, blackberry, tarts, pies, cakes and over vanilla ice cream.. It doesn’t get much better than that!

Absolutely a great fishing day and we were home as close to noon as we have ever been. Fisher people know “we’ll be back around noon” is a worn out statement usually followed by “well, it must be noon somewhere” when you coming dragging in sometime before dinner.

Three hours later…My “papers” are in!

 It took about three more hours Tuesday to finish and submit all of my paper work to run for the first ever city council seat (hold on to my current position) in the newly formed District 2 this coming November.

Four years ago I was elected by the whole city to get stuff done. And  I’ve got stuff done!

 Now I’ve decided to run one more time to finish many things I helped start. The stack of paperwork required is ridiculous as you can see by the partial stack by my pen in the photo below. That’s our Dixon City Clerk, Leticia Miguel, in the photo above with me guiding me to sign the many required forms…

Four years ago when I ran I refused all endorsements and donations and ran beating out thousands of dollars and a crowded field to win… and would have done the same thing this year except for the organized hate groups throwing money, endorsements, helpers and unlimited resources with only one goal in mind…My defeat and them having a liberal sympathizer seated on our city council…like two apparent newly converted half libs aren’t enough.

They wanted me to quit, resign now, roll over, and not run again…With all of their threats and organized terror tactics still happening it only strengthened my resolve to run again, on my outstanding record, and show these people exactly where the true heart and soul of this community lies. If their organized, well liberal financed campaign wins out in the end, so be it, but all of those of you who know me, know I won’t go down without a fight…A fight based on fact of what I’ve helped do for this city, not promises and pipe dreams of the future.

This is The Independent Voice. Really!  All other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who can’t control its content and refuse to acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher, Dave Scholl, by subscribing, advertising or at least supporting its advertisers telling them you saw their ad, offsetting those loonies trying to shut down his paper by intimidating its advertisers.

 

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July 27th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #738 (7-27-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: straightarrowted@gmail.com

for the 737 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Seriously…You may or may not be aware of things going on locally and an orchestrated campaign (by a spiteful non-resident to shut this paper down by threatening its advertisers and the publisher… and shut up this part of the country’s only remaining Independent Voice. Really!  All the other papers in this area are now corporate owned and controlled…and this free voice is a danger to all who won’t acknowledge the first amendment and a true open and free press. You can help the publisher by subscribing (go to www. independentvoice.com to see how) and supporting its advertisers telling them you saw their ad.

 

No Canned Crap, eat healthy, live longer!

Justin case anyone was wondering what’s going on with our eternal quest for local foods… we’ll add black bass (see photo) and black berries (see photo of berries and homemade black berry pie) to this week’s menu. In the past few weeks I’ve shown you wild aspargrass, artichokes, local lemons, cherries, tomatoes, and peaches and apricots from Vacaville plus frog legs and crawdads all from within 10 miles of our house. Last week I caught a limit of black bass (yes, they are delicious, firm meat, not fishy tasting) and we picked a zillion wild blackberries that are free for the taking along just about any waterway or rural road. When we were done picking it looked like we had just finished voting in an Iranian election with our thumbs all blueish.

You can go out to Liberty Island or down highway 113 out of town to the Lindsey Slough crossing…  or continue on to Highway 12, turn right and go to  Suisun to Grizzly Island and fish from the bank for catfish, black bass, crappie, striped bass, sturgeon and even Salmon at the right time of the year FREE! All you need is a fishing license and you can put fresh food on your table.

Now I know not everyone one can (or will) go out and gather or catch or dispatch their own food… but the point is; you can, if you live in Northern California. From now through like October, and you should never buy a caned product of any sort.

Just about everything you can name is grown in our neck of the woods. Fresh fruits and veggies should dominate your family’s menu from now through Halloween.

Now is approaching the zenith of goodies, I mean cherries, berries, plums, apricots, at least 10 varieties of peaches, the great sweet corn … you name it (see photo). You can get it all here displayed and sold daily, fresh from the field and at a more than reasonable price as close as Dixon’s Pedrick  Produce (at Pedrick Rd, over the freeway, on the North side). PP now has fresh, sweet corn, at 7 ears for a dollar (see photo of Scott holding corn below)! The new owners said they want to be part of the community like the old ones were…That’s going to be a task… but it appears they are fitting in quite well…  You long time readers know I don’t endorse anything or anyone without vetting it/them first. I’ve never steered you wrong on restaurants, food, movies or businesses.  I’ve never had someone tell me what I’ve said wasn’t true… So my word is my bond … and I’m telling you the two brothers/owners Brad and Scott Clauson, who are growers themselves, are real farm to fork guys. Being growers themselves they meet and inspect each grower they do business with to check on their farming practices. Scott said they need to know how their products are grown and harvested to be delivered… farm fresh on a daily basis. He said, “We are truly a farm to fork operation offering dozens of varieties of fresh fruits and vegetables delivered to us daily, harvested and brought to us straight from the field”. They skip the middle man and deal directly with growers they know and almost all of their products were just in the fields a short time before being displayed for sale at their market.

In addition to the huge variety of fresh fruits and veggies the little store has many surprises lurking in every corner from peanut brittle to dried beans, fruits and nuts (like almonds, walnuts, peanuts, pecans pistachios) to premimum olives and oil, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, Salamis, salsas and their new line of fresh baked Tamales fixed mexican style.One of the big surprises is their collection of hot sauces from mild all the way to “hell no burn the tastebuds out of your mouth”. Go there and tell them you read about them in the IV… and if you think I was wrong about this place let me know.

If there is a produce they don’t have I’m sure if you ask they can get it for you… Their products are always fresh and as much from the local area and varied as they can get. As most of you know I am not a big supporter of the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) but these folks do know good fruits and veggies and many of them come to Pedrick to get their veggie fix on…. Along with many highway travelers and especially the weekend Nevada bounds families…to stock up on healthy goodies.

Quit killing our seniors, us, yourself!

 

 

We’ve had four deaths, in our immediate zip code, three of which were senior ladies, in like the last 10 days. One (a friend of ours) was T-Boned on Midway Rd. One rolled a car into oncoming traffic getting on the freeway entrance by Walmart and one was hit head on, one Highway113 near Hay road and the dump. Another person was also killed in that one. All in the daylight, all in clear weather (see the photo above I took about a year ago when a young man lost his life) while reportedly not safely stopping at the intersection of Midway Rd and Highway 113. We happened upon the scene before the dust had even settled.

What the hell is going on folks? According to the CHP at the scene of the fatality pictured above, a lot of people new to this area aren’t used to rural roads, big rigs and simply don’t know how to drive safely. They said this intersection is a good example of people not stopping or stopping and then looking one way and then the other and driving ahead without looking back a second time. They emphasized people not used to rural roads don’t realize how fast the big trucks are going 55-65-MPH and misjudge the speed and distance, the fact they can’t stop on a dime;  and POW! The next thing you know they are notifying the next of kin. The point is the rigs are big multi-ton monsters and their speed is deceiving and they can be on you before you know it. In the photo above the big rig driver was found to be not at fault and the young man that died at the scene will not get a second chance to make the same mistake again.

Our friend Mary Ann who was killed a few days ago at the intersection of Midway and Batavia Roads was right, dead right as it turned out. She was driving along safely when a young woman reportedly ran a stop sign, T-boned her car and killed her. So, you too can be right. You can be on your phone, distracted by something or the other and you too can be right, dead right. The moral of this story, especially if you are new to the area is: Turn off your phone, turn off the radio, don’t eat, drink, or turn to yell at the kids…Drive safely, defensively, and give your full attention to the multi ton lethal weapon you are steering and avoid the kill or be killed scenario happening all too often right here in our immediate area.

Tomato trucks now  are rolling along with a zillion garbage trucks,  with  the nut and sunflower harvests are just around the corner… meaning more big rigs hauling crops will be scurrying to and from to the  local fields to the canneries and processers… What’s this got to do with you staying alive?  Do what we do and what we taught our sons to do. Be aware, stay awake, assume on every rural road where there is a four way stop that any oncoming traffic WILL run the stop sign and be prepared for it; if they don’t you’re good. If they do you and yours stay alive to drive another day.

 

More things for thought!

 

Caution: Don’t read any further if you are not a mature, sensible person who doesn’t have thin skin… otherwise keep reading, and don’t bitch!

*I suppose if there’s a bright side to going bald… it’s that no one notices all the gray in your hair.

*Apophasis is a condition where one brings up a subject and yet says they don’t want to talk about it… my wife does this continually, but I don’t want to talk about it.

*Humans share nearly 50% of their DNA with bananas which is why you should never exhort anyone to shove two bananas together… there’s a risk you could form a human.

*All women are after only one thing…  flattering pants with usable pockets.

*No! “Leave it to beaver” is not some 1970’s porn flick!

*I finally realized the extent of my hearing difficulties when I was corrected for saying “don’t wet your panties at lunch”… to the more correct and understood “don’t get your panties in a bunch”. 

*Yes, pigs are very cute… unfortunately they are also freakin’ delicious!  

*Fat weighs less than muscle… so in theory I should be getting lighter.

*Behold the cat!  After 1000’s of year’s evolution have produced the perfect hunter, a combination of stealth, power, and aggression… and then some schmuck stuck a bell on its collar!

*Grandmothers appear to be obsessed with their grandchildren’s weight and say things like “you need more meat on those bones”… this suggests that every grandmother at some time thinks of cannibalizing their progeny.

*Damn!  I sprained my wrist again… furiously writing a check, tearing it angrily from my checkbook and saying “I trust this will suffice!”

*My girlfriend is a porn star… she’ll kill me if she finds out! 

*You know you’re married when your hands accidentally touch in the popcorn bucket at the movies… and you instinctively growl at each other loud enough they stop the film thinking there might be wolves in the theatre.

*When mick Jagger dies will the rolling stone gather no mas?

*My father, a WWII vet, would gather us around and tell stories about surviving the war…..with no such history to relate I gather the kids and watch YouTube videos of an Asian kid playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.

*The checker at the store yelled at me this afternoon… “Don’t insult me by looking in my eyes.  This bra costs me $65!”

*Of the nine planets earth would be the brightest as the sunlight would reflect off all the planets water…hopefully you weren’t naive enough to believe it would be the earthlings IQ.

*The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper……wow!  Perhaps the constitution was written on rolling papers.

*My friend held up two kayak paddles and asked me which one I wanted… I said I’d take either/oar.

.*I was driving my kid somewhere and asked him to get the map out of the glovebox… his smartass response was “easy there Indiana Jones, I’ll just google it!”

*I won’t kill you softly with my song… but I’ll probably annoy the crap out of you with my yodeling!

*What do infancy and an alcoholic blackout have in common…you scream and drool, poop yourself occasionally, and don’t remember any of it.

*Anesthesiologist prior to surgery “do you have any questions?”… “Should ketchup be kept in the fridge?”

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