Posted under That's Life Columns
By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com
Not much really, basically the same old crap. I’ve now been writing this column in its present form for 12.8 years this week… that’s EVERY week, nonstop, no gaps, and no repeats for 666 straight weeks. That doesn’t include the seven years it appeared in the Dixon Tribune when I was editor in the 60’s and 70’s.
So what? It took all of this time for others to finally figure it was a good way to communicate with the masses. So the mayor, his junior trainee/councilman, junior’s mother, etc. all now write newspaper columns and seem to think they have a power base outside of my realm… Got a hot flash for you copiers; the tribune readers STILL read this column too… as they have for decades… so ramble on and do your best, or worst, and good luck.
Junior city councilman Devon and his Mensa support group decided to shock the world with his special city council announcement Tuesday. He shakily read from a crip note that he was requesting a special hearing of the local elected group that monitors council behaviour. He wants them to do something to me for what I wrote last week affirming the fact that junior is in trouble and is claiming I violated some sort of council confidentially. I, of course, made sure in advance that what I wrote was correct and legal but I encouraged him to have his day in court, so to speak, so we can publically, once again, go over the lingering charges against him brought by members of the public… He wants a show; bring it.
Oh, by the way, he happens to be on the committee that is set to censor out of line elected officials… duh, just so we make sure there is no conflict. You got a minor league player, with bad coaching, trying to leap into the majors over the body of a season pro… Stay tuned for more high school crap from junior and his lesson on how not to best serve the public. It’s like going from T-ball to the majors before you even know the basics. I’m not really picking on poor Devon he’s just asking for, and creating his own grief.
I did really like him lecturing the rest of the council about “his” people in “his” district. Got a hot flash for junior and his support group. Councilmen Scott and Ted were the last two elected officials to be elected by the whole city, not just one little part, and we represent everyone, all the time… sorry Pulte and old town public, but you selected junior and even though he received less than 40 per cent of the vote, and his election paper work is in question by many, he’s yours… but so are we so don’t feel hemmed in by junior.
But on the bright side Councilman Scott and I and Councilman Steve draws no lines when looking as issues. So only junior is concerned with “his” district… I tried to tell him he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know but he just brushed me off… good move boy.
Stay tuned to this channel for the weekly update on the new series… “As junior learns”.
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied: “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you don’t have to ever feed him again.”…Trump 20:16
THE YEAR IS 1917
For most of you this will boggle your mind (Then some might remember)! The year is 1917 “One hundred years ago.” What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE
EDUCATION: Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month,
And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1 Pneumonia and influenza
- Heart disease
The American flag had 45 stars…
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.
And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!
It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
Signs Of The Times…
|+A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you.
+Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
+In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
+On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
+At an Optometrist’s Office:” If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”+On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
+On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
+At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
+On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
+In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
+On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
+At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
+Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”+In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
+At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”
+In a Restaurant window:” Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
+In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
+At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”
+In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
+And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.”
*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying. We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.
*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.
*Surprise parties are great! First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.
*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.
*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.
*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.
*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.
*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.
*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.
*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?
*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!
*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.
*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!
*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation? That fool just leans on the darn door bell.
*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!
*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!”
*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.
*The wife finally found her sleep number. Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.
*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?
*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.
*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.
*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.
*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!
*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.
*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?
*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.
*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?
*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!
*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.