October 21st 2016
That’s Life©1966 #644 (10-21-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 


 Colon Crap-er-nick will be remembered as the Jane Fonda of football… what a legacy.  And now he’s a loser QB too… Karma craps on Colon…Yea!

The Multi-talented Linda Hickman
img_2375 img_2326

01-18-05-002WAtkins 1 5-6-11



2014-xmas-letter-12-1-2014-12-33-20-am-5120x2880 2015-911d zzzzzzzzzzzzlinda zzzzzzzzzzzzzzlinda img_0420


Linda and her mom and 4 grand kids

This Happened Last Week

 Left to right: Mary Hagerman, U.S. Congressman John Garamendi and Linda Hickman.


            For over 50 years my first wife Linda has been involved in this community pretty much like no other woman. She has received virtually no recognition, sought none and wanted none. Here is a short list of some of the things she’s done: She was in on the formation of Dixon Little League and was one of the original charter board members. She was a Dixon LL coach and Manager and served on its board. She was an early member of the Dixon Soccer board and went on to become a certified referee and coach and coached teams for six years. She coached the first Dixon Bobby Sox girl’s all-star team. She was a tournament archer and shot in competitions all the way up to the state and national tournament levels. She has hunted with both bow and gun and is an accomplished markswoman with shotgun, long gun and pistol (she never really wanted to shoot any living thing and has done little of it). She has and still does fish with the best of them having recently caught a striped bass and a black bass on two consecutive casts. She has been involved with FFA, 4-H, Dixon Dolphins, and most all school activities for about two decades.

She has been a great Dixon ambassador all over the world in her travels leaving people thinking, “What a lovely place Dixon, California must be to have people like her living there”.


She retired from DSUD after 17 years with food service and has not made an enemy, and all who have met her, and those who know her, have nothing but good things to say about her. (I know you’re thinking polar opposites aren’t you?)

All of that has nothing to do with the photo above. Her 50 years (this year) with Dixon Toys for Tots-Community Christmas Program, where she started the original Coats for Kids program, (Which has expanded exponentially over the whole country) stood out among her many accomplishments. In her spare time she has hand knitted about 15 baby blankets a year to support the program which now issues about 1,000 coats locally to the needy each year.

erH She was selected as one of the 2016 Women of the Year by Congressman John Garamendi with many of her accomplishments read into the United States Congressional Record which will be there for all time. She and other women from northern California were honored last week in Woodland by the congressman and his wife. We arranged for her 92 year old mother, Mary Hagerman, to be there for the presentation. It was nice of Supervisor Skip Thompson and Dixon Mayor Jack Bachelor to come over to the table and meet Linda’s mom and congratulate her. When the congressman’s charming wife found out about Linda being there with her mother she grabbed John and said he should go see them which he gladly did… pretty cool picture for her huh?


Follow Up From Last WeeK



For you loyal half dozen or so readers  the graphic here had to be cut last week because of space limitations. But here is the art that went with the essay on the media controlling every aspect of our daily lives and certainly, this election. For those not looking at and listening carefully to the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle manipulations of the news, this illustration proves my point. The major media is slanted the way the owners want it slanted. If you haven’t really noticed before look more more closely at what you see, read and hear everyday from the mass media. It was the mass media that sparked the riots throughout the country (to make news and not just report it, its good TV) and made Colon  Crap-er-nick a household name… Can you even name one of the many police officers killed recently… Of course you can’t.  they got seconds of coverage while the rioters and Crap-er-nick got minutes and hours… We’ve become a nation of sheep lead by pie-in-the-sky promising liberals that control the thought process of the masses. They firm up their control by giving away things free, paid for by those who work hard to provide a living for their families… Think about it. FREE…food, housing, cell phones, money, dental, medical care, clothing, etc. Not only to millions of Americans, may who chose not to work, but to hundreds of thousands of Muslims now being imported to shore up their political base… Right wing nonsense you say?

Think about it and look, listen and watch with a renewed sense of awareness and what you may learn is disheartening. Clinton may win the election because so many depend on her to do so. All I can do is put this out there and try to make people more aware. Two of the three people we have running for our local election have this left wing disease which could eventually be the downfall of us all.

The national solution is at hand and the right type of person is available to make the change. A political outsider, wealthy enough not to be bought and sold, but unfortunately has a major flaw of not being able to control his mouth. Not enough people I’m afraid will be able to see beyond his political posturing to the real value this man would have for our country. His value is he would have the ability to tell the RCC and the weak kneed professionals like professional Paul Ryan to buck up and do what’s right, not what will get them more votes. Hope I’m wrong and enough people want a change, any change, to get this country back on its feet, stop the importation of hundreds of thousands of Muslims from all over the world (why pick on just Muslims? We infidels haven’t been threatened with extinction by any Christian or Jewish sects that I’ve heard of) and giving them full welfare benefits rights from the get-go. The lecture is over but think about what the future holds for us and our children and grandchildren when you vote… Your vote may or may not make a difference but at least you know you’ll have tried to stop further erosion of our former  hard earned American values.

Also, Update From Last Week



Trey Hickman with fresh water caught Salmon from Rio Vista

I whined last week about fishing  three days, one in Sacramento and two in Rio Vista seeing many others catching the illusive Silver Salmon on their annual fresh water run. I whined because we couldn’t catch one. On our third day we finally got the weight, depth and lure right and finally caught one. We were trolling along side of another boat (you can’t help from doing that if you want to catch fish) because, believe it or not, the boats congregate where the fish are; duh. So we were poking along and the guy on a boat about 30 yards from us got on his cell phone and said, “We got two on incoming (tide) and one on out going we’re 100 back and two ounces. “ Bingo, we reset our rigs. Then the guy in front of us caught one and yelled over, “Go through that spot they’re stacked in there.”  So we did and tad da, we finally caught one from our boat, in Rio Vista… Hallelujah! Fishing for fresh run salmon is kinda like a team sport with boaters showing courtesy to each others and sharing information… kinda cool huh? Tenacity for me has always been a strong point. Stick with it long enough, learn from your mistakes, make corrections and carry on… many times it paid off like it did this time!

More Things For Thought2016-8-5c

*I want this election to be over with so badly you’d think it was one of my kid’s school plays.

*As a kid I always felt sorry for the monster that lived under my bed… so once or twice a week we’d switch and I’d sleep under the bed.

*If you’re using public transportation never give up your seat to an old woman… that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

*My wife just looked at an 8″x 8″ picture frame and estimated it to be 12″x 12″… perhaps you can deduce why I think this is a good thing.

*There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall next to me who’s so loud I’m not sure if its performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

*When I was a child someone accidentally shot me with a flare gun… and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since.

*They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and bread sticks… but I can personally attest that after two days Olive Garden will ask you to leave.

*As a kid my mother always told us we had to wait an hour after we finished eating before we could swim… I never realized there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating.

*The first rule of “double entendre club” is please let us know if you’re coming.

*Do mermaids clean the sea… or how does that work?

*I hate it when homeless people shake their change cup at me… ok, already, you’ve got more money than I do, you don’t have to be an ass about it.

*I just hired a dirtying lady… I’m about to watch her and the cleaning lady fight it out.

*How in hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him… I couldn’t even get my kids to clean their rooms!

*Spent a couple of hours at my mother-in-law’s grave this morning… bless her heart!  She thinks I’m digging a pond.

*Lake Erie: great lake name… Lake Titicaca: greater lake name.

*Accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy.

*The wife finally got around to shaving her legs… she said blow drying them was taking too long.

*Me: In closing, all of the facts I’ve presented here today show that HRC, as Secretary of State, was derelict in her handling of both Benghazi and the e-mail situation… priest: and now the bride will recite the vows she has written.

*Do Mormon cats have nine wives.

*If you’re shopping at the dollar store for a pregnancy test… then we both know you can’t afford for it to be positive.

*We really are the most blessed generation… we’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 fast and furious movies.

*How can you teach your kids about dealing with adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged occasionally?

*I hate it when I make a list of things to do so I don’t forget something… and then I can’t find the darn piece of paper.

*My wife asked me if I could name all the girls I’d dated.  It took a couple of minutes until I got to her… should have stopped there.

*Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain… sorry lady at IHop,  I was just trying to help.

*Adulthood is like the vet… and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

*Our society is better prepared for a zombie apocalypse than an hour without electricity.

*Have you noticed that even the worst hangover wears off by 5pm… coincidence?  I think not.

*Just helped a much older man cross the street… by honking my horn repeatedly.

*When Cheech and Chong broke up I wonder if they had a court battle over joint custody.




No Comments »

October 16th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #643 (10-14-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 


What Second Amendment?



In 1791 the first 10 amendments to the constitution were made and they became the “Bill of Rights”. First among them reads as follows: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for redress of grievances.”  This is the law of the land. Many tens of thousands have died defending your rights. “Free” speech isn’t “free”, many have given all to protect and provide it for us.


We all know “freedom of speech” is a joke from our city all the way up to the White House. Your mayor and city council has decided how long you can speak to them and you better watch your tone and volume or you’ll be called on it. As a duly elected councilperson I have been told to watch my volume and presentation during city council meetings which of course I ignore… without asking the city attorney for a constitution ruling.

We have a guy running for mayor that claims on his signs vote for “Mayor” Bogue. When I called him on the fact he was never, and probably never will be, “Mayor” he responded on October 1st with: “Well Ted if people don’t know who their current mayor is, I don’t know what to tell you. Signage is nothing more than advertisement of a position sought.”  Duh…And this kind of warped logic is probably why he lost his seat on the city council in the last election and his run for a seat on the board of supervisors … Wonderful… but he has a right to try and fool some of the people I guess. We’ll know November 8th just how well that worked for him.

The next president will own the Supreme Court by appointing the deciding member now missing. If another liberal is appointed God help us because we will see the constitution further eroded.


You think I’m wrong? Go to any governmental meeting and speak up and tell them to “go **** themselves” and see how long it takes to find yourself removed and/or jailed. I even get censored here in this column for things “unsuitable” for the publisher’s taste.

Dress like a clown for Halloween and you may be arrested because some idiot somewhere threatened someone based on a B movie about killer clowns… Give me a break. Our entire nation is manipulated daily by the mass media. They’ve now made childhood harmless clowns dangerous! Thankfully social media has made a dent in keeping the national media at least a bit honest. Most of the riots of late have been generated and promoted by television for ratings… people like to watch this stuff and go tisk-tisk, and it gives others with nothing better to do great ideas…the media makes the news and then reports on it… WTF?

The Demoncrats paid heftily I imagine for an 11 year old recording of Trump making B.S. locker room comments. Go back 11 years and think about some of the things you may have said or heard…Freedom of speech? The Demoncrats want him castrated for WORDS while their deeds are prison worthy… but since treason can be a capital offense and lying to congress and the American people could mean jail time we don’t talk about it right? Lying is not covered by the constitution as a right.

You’ve got an area football player exercising his constitutional right and getting more media coverage than floods, earthquakes, pestilence, riots, rape robbery and murder…A lot more attention than the police officers being killed across the nation. The rioters get a zillion times more coverage…why? Because you allow it into your homes; the media makes the news and you buy it.

The point of all of this is the main stream media. Pay attention and look for the bias and slants. They’ve stopped reporting the news and now make and control almost all of it. The liberals which own most of the communications in our country decide what will and what will not be brought to your attention and what slant it will have. They MAKE the news and then have their highly paid “news reporters” read what edited material they are given… and then these “stars” have the nerve to editorialize on each segment…what B.S.


Salmon Fishing In Rio Vista


Last Sunday we decided to try for salmon now running through Rio Vista. We joined about 50 other boats (that we could see) during the Rio Vista Bass Derby (we didn’t know was going on) and ran from Cache Slough to Rio Vista by boat in about 20 minutes. We trolled for about five hours and saw a dozen fish caught and just about every boat we talked to had at least one fish. They caught them trolling in front of us, behind us and even alongside of us. We were using the exactly the same equipment set up exactly the same way and never had a hit. One fellow fisherperson even told us we weren’t deep enough and gave us the depth… still nothing.

The good news is we had a gigantic ocean going freighter pass nearly as close as a football field from us (pretty cool huh?), saw a seal and a sea lion (what the heck are they doing this far up in fresh water?)  and while fishing for stripers later on our son Trey and I caught some nice largemouth bass so we didn’t blank on the day.

We are going to keep going back until we catch a couple because it’s a matter of principal and we want some smoked salmon.





More Things For Thought


*The plan was to keep eating those alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic……I didn’t plan on “bankrupt” being an option.

*People will stop asking you questions… if you answer them in interpretive dance.

*The wife told me I had to grow up.  I was speechless… of course it’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

*The recipe said “prick with a fork”… but enough about me.

*Do you still remember when you could refer to your knees as right and left … rather than good and bad?

*Kids awards have reached a new low… my granddaughter just came home from 3rd grade with a “most improved ponytail” certificate.

*To all of my e-mail buddies who received a file from me entitled “my junk.jpg”… sorry, I thought I was distributing a photo of stuff I am putting in my garage sale.

*I always try to stand in the middle when a group picture is taken it makes it harder to crop me out later.

*If Trump or HRC really cared about the American people they would have scheduled the debate for Tuesday night… not in the middle of NFL Monday night football.

*I attempted to kill myself by consuming 100 beers… but when I finished the second one I felt so much better.

*Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

*You know that moment when the steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth begin to water… I wonder if that’s how vegans feel when they’re mowing the lawn.

*I’m thinking of going on a breadcrumb diet… I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

*Lice are the herpes of kindergarten.

*What are people doing in motels that they need such a steady and dependable source of ice?

*The wife and I are engaged in a bit of a tiff. I foolishly asked her if she’d love me when I’m old and fat… “I sure do” is not what I expected.

*If someone came to my house and said “I’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your sink”… I’d be living large.

*There’s nothing quite like folding your undies fresh out of the dryer to remind you just how big your butt really is!

*If you knew what I considered my best behavior it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be on it.

*When you hang your kindergarten grandchild’s crappy picture on your refrigerator you become an “enabler of mediocrity”.

*We should remove the warning labels from everything… and just let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

*If you meet a woman under the age of 75 named Maude or Agatha… it might be a good idea to check nearby for a time machine.

*So far everyone I’ve met in life has liked me enough to not kill me… so that’s a plus.

*People should stop complaining about the increasing length of feature films… Broadway plays are often 3 hours long, and hell, school plays are two or three times that!

*”You can’t find happiness at the bottom of a beer”… well no foolin’, whose happy when the beer’s gone?

*I’m sorry I keep calling you and then hanging up. I’ve got this new voice-activated phone… so every time I holler “dumbass” it dials you. 

*How often should I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

*My dog just spent more time selecting the place he was going to take his nap than I did in picking out my wedding band.

*Why do camels have such long, thick attractive eyelashes? Is it to draw attention away from their feet?

*I’m in really big trouble if the people I work with find out I really don’t have Tourette’s.




No Comments »

October 10th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #642 (10-7-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Stuff’s A Happening!



  1. Let’s see where to start? How about with two members of the Dixon Planning Commission being turned into the California FPPC (Fair Political Practice Commission) for violation of their oath of office and ethical violations. It involves Connie Lewis and the way she was treated and denied permission to reopen a decades old family business in downtown (Jay’s Safety Lane). Jill Orr and Kevin Johnson were named in the complaint the complainer filed with the FPPC and the filer insisted on showing it to me before it was mailed. I understand the NSCAR (Northern Solano County Association of Realtors) is also being asked to investigate ethic (and other) violations by these two realtors serving as appointed Dixon Planning Commissioners, I was told Orr did the damage and Johnson knew about it and went along with the program… The city has just passed a strict ethics code of conduct and they are supposed to held accountable there too… But the power to be refuses to even discuss it… WTF?
  2. Am old well known couple who live across from the swimming pool had a medical emergency late last week and while the ambulance took them to the hospital some dirt balls were apparently listing on a scanner and robbed their house while they were gone. They were caught the next day by Sacramento police on another matter but had the Dixon’/s people’s stuff so the Dixon PD was notified and they get some of their stuff back. As soon as I heard about it I contacted the police department and the city manager and asked them to have all first responders security check all homes where there’s an emergency before they leave they scene and for the PD to make routine checks for the next few days. City Manager, Jim Lindley, is making this happen. But the story doesn’t end there. Dixon now has its share of bad buys, meth heads and other druggies and thefts are really going up.  Before you die tell your relatives to either not announce “The funeral will be from 11 to 2 followed by a reception from 2 to 5 unless a designated family member is assigned to stay and guard the house…Get it? The bad guys do and they’ll probably rot in hell for robbing people during this time of extreme grief but they need what they need and will do anything to get it… so like it or not we need to change the way we are doing personal business. The same goes for blabbing in social media your husband is on a hunting trip or you’ve planned a vacation… or whatever… don’t say anything until it’s over… Get It?
  3. Dispatchers making law enforcement decisions? We have a local lady running for a city council seat that was going door-to-door and got bit by someone’s dog. She called the police number and got Solano County dispatch that reportedly refused to send out a police officer and told her to “call animal control”… WTF folks? She said, “They send out police on barking dog complaints but not of a dog bite”? At the hospital they started to give her rabies shots until a doctor intervened and said it probably wasn’t necessary since it was a domestic dog but said animal control needed to find the dog and have it quarantined. My question is: “What the hell business is it of the dispatcher. Someone calls for a police officer … sends an officer.” Just like us asking the county for more 911 lines. The last time we checked they only had three and when a fire broke out behind the post office a few months back half the callers couldn’t get through…We asked for it to be enlarged and don’t know if they did or not.
  4. Cal Trans was to pave from the freeway on North First Street to Atkinson’s Storage but they went down to the stop light and quit… Again WTF. It’s a state highway. They had the manpower and equipment there. It was supposedly budgeted so what the hell happened. And what about SR 113 from Dixon to Highway 12 going to Rio Vista. Roads in Mexico are better. It’s getting worse and I think we can thank the garbage people for a lot of the road damage (for part of it). And what’s being done? Nada. More promises and pure B.S.


Lions Club Poker Tourney Saturday

LT! - Copy

The Dixon Lions Club  fun 9th annual Texas Hold’Em poker tournament is this Saturday evening in the old Vet’s Hall in downtown Dixon. I/we play in it every year and it’s a fun time. The whole object is to see how long you can last and you do that by pacing yourself and waiting for a good hand to play. The ante goes up every now and then so eventually you either have a lot of chips or you become a watcher to see how the others have lasted so long.

Either way it’s a mellow crowd of men and some women and it’s a competitive/friendly way to spend a Saturday night. They will have tickets ($75 with re-buy available) at the door which opens at 6 and poker starts at 7… that’s me in the picture in the flowered short last year playing.


More Things For Thought




*Probably one of the hardest parts about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams… that have both just prayed to win.

*The path to inner peace begins with four little words… not my darned problem.

*I picked up an ice cream cake and the cashier said to keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt… I’ve got to start dressing smarter.

*Before NASA sent the rover Curiosity… Mars was teeming with cats.

*The new IPhone 7 and Iphone7S have several new features like water resistance, stereo sound, and a better camera with dual lenses but it still lacks the one feature everyone wants… affordability.

*My wife is displeased with me… in other shocking news water is wet and the sun is bright.

*I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “Where’s my damn phone?” and it yells “down here in the couch cushions!”


*Trump only watched the Olympics to see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go.

*The wife consumed an entire bottle of wine whilst decorating the Christmas tree and then confused a box of candy canes with a package of tampons… she told me the tree looked weird and she felt minty.

*There are apparently two reasons why I’m overweight… I eat when I’m bored, and I seem to always be bored.

*The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district.

*When my grandson was much younger I remember my son telling me… “He can now reach the light switches so don’t come over to the house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure”.

*Whoever spelled the word receipt was a frigging idiopt.

*Married romance: After we put the kids to bed let’s sit together on the couch and look at Facebook on our phones with the TV on.

*Ah yes, grandpa… where you got told “If you fall off that and break both your legs don’t come running to me!”

*I’ve begun walking around with Mentos in my ears… so everyone thinks I have an Iphone7.

*If you say “gullible” slowly it sounds like “oranges”.

*A tropical depression is pretty much just like a regular depression… but instead of being unable to get out of bed you can’t get out of a hammock.

*If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a florist shop you’re probably safe initiating a conversation by asking “What did you do?”

*Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters the word doesn’t contain?

*I think abs are for those guys that find they don’t want to wear a nice t-shirt to the pool.

*I like how at the end of old movies it says “the end”… so you aren’t horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved.

*Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.

*Never trust a girl who doesn’t fart… cause there’s just no telling what else she may be holding back from you.

*As a kid I thought a lot about what it would be like to be grown up, getting a job and having kids… but not this job and certainly not these kids.

*Why do people romanticize the 1950’s… calm the hell down, we still have milkshakes and racism!

*I’m exactly like Rocky… I challenge people to fight when I’m slurring my words.

*Hi! I’m calling about the poster you put up about your missing cat… have you asked the guy that took the picture?

*I coached my son’s basketball team years ago for a lot of reasons… but one of them was because I felt it was important for him to know that I would swear at other kids too.

*Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.

*Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle”?

*Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer…….unless the question is “why did you fall on your ass on the sidewalk last night?”

No Comments »

September 30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #641 (9-30-16

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 



Local Election Update

People keep asking me about the upcoming city elections and I’m not being coy, I simply don’t have a dog in this fight. I have to work well with whoever wins in order to be effective in my position as a city council person. It isn’t tough. Look at what they’ve done, what they say they’ll do and weigh that load.

I will say some folks are upset about one candidate whose sign claims he is “mayor” when he’s not, and never has been, and a city council candidate who apparently is billing himself on his signs as being a council person; he’s not and never been. Things like this have a tendency to backfire in this city and have cost people elections in the past. For some reason voters seem to be leaning towards honesty and a minimum of B.S.


Lambtown’s A Coming!


“Put on yer best bibs Pa we’re headed for Dixon annual Lambtown festival this weekend. I’ll grab my spinning wheel and spin you some yarns. Then we can wonder over the hillbilly (actually bluegrass) music stage and drink us some homemade Sangria and listen to the banjos…”

It ain’t (isn’t) really that down home folksy but it is being held this Saturday and Sunday in the Dixon May Fair grounds and is a inexpensive way for a family to have a local outing that has something of interest for most.

Personally I like bluegrass that’s why our volunteer time is being spent doling out the home made wine concoction. Our, means me, wife Linda and her spry 92 year-old mother and I will be manning the thing from at least 10 to 2 on Saturday and then who knows… Stop by and have a sip or two and say hi.


Colon Crap`er`nick Feedback



In response to last week’s column about Crap’s comments and gestures…

  • “You’re (me) and idiot and an a**hole”. One (only) negative reply from a gifted linguist.
  • “Right on the money this disrespect for our flag and country isn’t sitting too well with our military community”.
  • “Your point about these “protesters” being able to pool their huge resources and works towards their goal instead of grabbing news space and air time was right on”.
  • “If they really cared they’d really do something besides sit down or raise a fist… I mean, come on, they could make a difference but they won’t… too much like real work and they might have to give up a few personal bucks…”
  • “These wonderful role models, many of which went through school on scholarships and were trained for their profession by our tax dollars are ingrates and shallow human beings…”
  • “It truly disgusts me that children playing youth football are now following the footsteps of these ‘role models’.”
  • “When the hype subsides you really think these multi-millionaires will personally invest in a productive program to study and help change the injustices they perceive?”
  • “As law enforcement officer I am highly offended by Kaepernick and his grossly overly exaggerated generalizations… It’s like saying all pro ball players are wife beaters”.



And so the messages and conversations went. One kind of in Crap’s favor, but more anti-Hickman, pro tree hugger… and the rest saying and feeling Crap and his buddies should not “disrespect” our flag, pledge or national anthem… which is a slap in the face to all of those who came before and fought to allow them their freedom of speech. Bottom line? Use your constitutional rights of free speech the way you see fit just don’t drag our flag or national anthem into the fray… It isn’t apples and apples.

On the other side of the coin I heard a professional baseball catcher was suspended for the rest of the season because he utilized his freedom of speech about protesters… WTF is going on here folks?

According to USA Today… “After galvanizing support from athletes and civil rights leaders across the country, Colin Kaepernick is in danger of losing it. His comments Tuesday about the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were as needlessly divisive as the “pig cop’’ socks he wore last month. In case you missed, here’s part of what the San Francisco 49ers quarterback said about Clinton and Trump:
“Both are proven liars and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist”… Should have quit while you were ahead Crap…


More Things For Thought…


*I don’t think America should elect anyone president in 2016… we need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

*The wife’s parakeet broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint out of two wooden kitchen matches and his little face lit up… then so did the rest of him.  I forgot I’d lined his cage with sandpaper!

*The guy down the street told me that once he came out of the closet he found he had a lot more room for his clothes.

*”Always the bridesmaid, never the bride” is really good advice for my best man.

*I just got permanently banned from Home Depot.  Some damn guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking… lucky for me I got the first punch in.

*Don’t you think it’s weird how you can sit and watch a horror movie and not jump once… but then the darned toast pops up and it scares the crap out of you?

*Life was so much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

*And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.  

*I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear… now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

*The wife always asks me to remind her about stuff… then if she forgets something it’s my fault.

*If my kids knew there was a light in the oven they’d leave that one on too.

*They say that one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer… so I threw Dennis over a cliff just in case it was him.

*If you think pi is 3142… you’re missing the point.

*Queen Elizabeth’s been on the throne for 60 years… now that’s a serious constipation problem.

*I’m sure whatever it is you think you want to say can wait a while… until your smarter.

*I was thinking about it and I would bet that jellyfish are upset that there are no peanut butter fish……and I haven’t even been drinking.

*It seems to me HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

*You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed… I know that now.

*The first week of the school year lunch was a great sandwich, cut into a cute shape, with sliced fruit and an encouraging note… by the end of the year it was a handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

*Apparently, when you’re asked who your favorite child is you’re expected to pick from amongst your own.

*You can fix dinner for a toddler… or you can just throw away some food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

*I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch do-it-yourself videos on You Tube every time something in my house breaks.

*A baby that is just awakening from a nap is like a solar eclipse… whatever you do, don’t look directly at it.

*When the kids used to fix the wife breakfast-in-bed I always appreciated how surprised she seemed…. and acted like she had slept right thru the “Great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45am”.

*I just watched 3 people jogging past my house while I sat on the couch and it has inspired me… to get up and close the blinds.

*Rule for wearing yoga pants… weigh less than the animal they represent.

*If you had to choose between voting for one of our current presidential candidates or getting into shark infested waters… would you dive in headfirst or do a cannonball?

*For what I lack in imagination… I more than make up for in something else.

*Just a thought about combining the Titanic and speech impediments… unthinkable.

*Being stumped, and desperate, I asked Joe, our dog, for help with a crossword clue: 4 letters, outer covering of a tree… he replied “woof!” Crap, he’s not even trying!

*Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up. 






No Comments »

September 23rd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #640 (9-23-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:


Colon Crapernick & Company


 (For the few who may not know Colon Crapernick is a quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers professional football team who refused to stand for the national anthem and instead knelt and refused to put his hand over his heart… to protest social injustice and the way cops are killing minorities, I guess cops killing other non-minorities is OK.)

Colon: “The section of the large intestine that runs from the cecum to the rectum,”…

I have a suggestion to help out Colon and his few followers… No, not that one… I have a positive solution to their mental problems. He and his kneelers, sitters and fist raisers actually have it in their power to make some constructive changes to this horrible nation… Here goes…

You and your “professional athletic supporters” followers can actually make some strides towards great social changes by starting an organization with the sole purpose of analyzing society and help enacting behavioral changes to avoid confrontations between all people and the law enforcement community you see as a problem. You pulled down what, almost $15 million for one year so you and your friends are all multi-multi-millionaires right? How about putting some of that cache, this disgusting country enabled to all to get, to work for your cause instead of just your mouths. How many of these “protesters” got a free education and training to become a pro paid for by this nasty nation?

You and your buddies can pool you money (and no doubt get a tax write off from this horrible nation) and start a foundation dealing with all of the social wrongs you perceive and come up with positive changes that can be made to help all concerned. Duh, you and your brain trust never thought of that or you’re too cheap with your multi millions to put your money where your mouth is? Your little group has the  financial ability to actually help study and improve social interactions in, let’s say Chicago where over 500 killings have happened so far this year, where mostly minorities have been killing minorities.



I think as far as I, and 99 per cent of the citizens of this horrible country are concerned, either put up or shut up… you and all of your followers need to be condemned for starting more problems and doing nothing to help solve them… except blab. You have the bucks, and for today at least the media’s attention, so why not get off your knee, give your Colon a rest, and help instead of hurt.

Don’t get me wrong you’re entitled to your opinion and all the millions of those who fought and died for your freedom (to be an ungrateful taker of everything this country has to offer) of speech and expression well, we’d … Forget it I’ve wasted enough space on this guy.

Hey, Crap, when you get to play again sprain a finger so you can still collect your millions for not playing… That’s the American way huh? This will appear in my column here, on the web at tedhickman.com and on Facebook… Some of us on the other side are not afraid to speak up! Cut the Crap, do him a favor and trade him to the Bears… there’s plenty going on in Chicago for him to be concerned about!


The 100 MPH Goat… True Story!


Two Elmira rednecks are out rattlesnake hunting, and as they are walking along over by the Timm Ranch they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. They turn around just in time to see a black and white goat come crashing through the underbrush at extremely high speed, run up to the hole and, with absolutely no hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old goat farmer named Herman saunters up to them. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my black and white goat around here anywhere, did you?” The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and that goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped…  headfirst into the hole!”

The old farmer says, “Naw, that’s impossible, can’t be mine … I had him chained to a transmission.”


From The Email box…


Hi Ted, I want to thank you for bringing this site to our attention! I wasn’t sure at first if you were putting us on or it was a real site. I never know about you! Anyway, I signed up for it and it is great. My phone has never been so quiet! 🙂 E.M. Dixon

As the lady says it really works. If you missed it I did a little piece on NOMOROBO a free web site that negates all (or most at least) computer generated calls. You know the ones I’m talking about the “Robo Calls” that ring at all hours and when you answer there’s a slight delay and then the spiel begins. The Robo calls (robot calls I guess since they are not human) can pretty much be history until the scumbags figure a way to get around this FREE security system, with which you can go from a dozen calls a day to none. The calls that need to get through do; it’s just the ones with the delay that get cut off. Your phone may ring but you just don’t answer it until the third ring (to give the computer time to end it).

We had it for a while and then lost it so we really appreciated it when I got it back by simply going on line to www.nomorobo.com and following the simple directions… After getting it you at first think your phone may be broken but it’s just back to the way it should be with only the call you want coming through… Try it, it works well for us and many of our readers… unless you like the constant interruptions… then don’t do it.


More Things For Thought!


*I saw a couple standing in the park, holding each other gazing into one another’s eyes.  It was touching… someone must have stolen their phones.

*Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of a mermaid.

*Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterward?

*At what age should you have the talk with your daughter and tell her she’s really not the princess of anything and she’ll have to get a job… is it 6?

*If your brain produces large amounts of excess saliva then you have an overactive patooey-tary gland.

*Why do football players dance when only good crap happens… just once I’d like to see a quarterback throw an interception and follow it up with a sad interpretive dance.  

*Just once I’d like to have a number between 1 and 10 think of me.

*’Bad’ is accidentally sending your buddy a dirty, suggestive text intended for your girlfriend… ‘Worse’ is getting “lemme think about it” as a reply.

*Apparently, when the wife asks you to get your toddler down off your bed she doesn’t men to knock him off with a pillow.


*Once in high school I wrote a poem so sublime I had to turn my desk upside down and row away on a river of molten thongs and cheerleader tears.  

*I just dropped $2 somewhere in my car and can’t find it… guess I have a savings account now.

*The ZZ Top lyric “Every girl’s crazy for a sharp dressed man” is 5 words too long.

*Can somebody please tell me why there are weight limits on elevators… But not on slutty clothes?

*I get it, your honor… randomly hitting fat kids isn’t considered ‘fighting the war on childhood obesity’.

*I want to become a librarian so badly… I just love books, and I love telling people to shut up even more.

*What is the proper etiquette for a colonoscopy… I want to say “I appreciate what you’re doing here” without seeming flirty.

*My favorite extreme sport is staying awake all night… wondering where my life went wrong.

*Sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice going, Einstein”… without sounding sarcastic.

*They say that every village has an idiot… however; I think my village is the one where they keep the spares.

*Well of course heads are going to roll… they’re kinda round, aren’t they?

*I don’t mean to sound like a racist, but why do all Chinese food “take-out” boxes look the same?

*Are “friends with sexual tension but no benefits” a thing…yeah, I’m fairly certain it’s a thing.

*Kids are so much braver than adults… if I believed in a fairy that came in the night to collect human teeth from under my pillow… I’d never sleep again!

*I’ve always been the man they date just before they meet the man of their dreams.

*If you have a parrot and you haven’t taught it to say “Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”… you’re wasting everybody’s time.

*If Bruce Jenner wants to be a woman that’s fine… he just wants to prove there’s one normal woman in that family.

*Historically people turned grapes into wine, corn into whiskey, agave into tequila and sugarcane into rum… more modern people are turning soy, rice and almonds into milk.

*Hulk Hogan explained to Barbara Walters how he had to overcome manic-depressive disease… her response, “So you had to wrestle mania?”

*The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

*I would be willing to bet that the braille on public signage, that the government insists on, only says “how did you know this was here?”



No Comments »

September 16th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #639 (9-16-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

That’s Life©1966 #639 (9-16-16)*

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 




Crappy Dove Season Stuff


Dove season started on September 1 and ran through the 15th  (yesterday) as it does every year. The difference is this year it started out crappy and got worse. Granted there’s plenty of feed for the migrating birds but it’s been that way before and the traditional flyways always produced birds. This year is the worst we’ve seen in decades. Drought, Eurasians running off the morning doves or breeding them out of existence… We don’t know. Not even local bird expert, and IV columnist Fred Vanderwold, (pictured) with a Eurasian in one hand and native dove in the other and his partner Rebel had any answers. And just in time comes the retarded California Fish and Wildlife expanding the possession limit to 15… Go figure. These bozos still don’t know there’s a serious wild pig problem that isn’t going to go away and only getting worse. So what do these Mensa appointed tree hugging clowns do? They increase the price of pig tags and severely reduced the amount of pig hunting. Jerry, please before you leave office put someone on the commission whose actually been outdoors and someone else who has actually fished or hunted.




A Quiz or Intellectuals

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinski
  2. Bill Clinton
  3. Hilary Clinton
  4. Adolph Hitler
  5. Jorge Bergoglio
  6. Winnie Mandela
  7. Vladimir Putin
  8. Linda Lovelace
  9. Saddam Hussein
  10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, right?

Let me get this straight, you know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters,

But… You don’t know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely…



This Information Is For Catholics Only




(Every now and then I feel the need to pass on something of a religious nature sent to me to offset some of the “marginal” things that appear in this space… so here goes 🙂

It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most
of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with
good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros
and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an
HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when
to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.


Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known asThe Chip Monk. (I know moan… but someone may not have heard this one!



Gun Show Is Coming…Gun Show Is Coming!


Ye-haw! For the first time in like a zillion years a real gun show will be coming to the Dixon May Fair grounds February 18th and 19th 2017… Yep, you heard it here first. There will even be local exhibitors, vendors and guns and collectors of all kinds. The promoters will keep us advised and we’ll pass the word on to all of you right winged, NRA types who will want to attend and we’ll warn all of you tree huggers so you can take the kids and get out of town that weekend… Fair enough?

Pictured is Nicole Arabia who is the co-promoter with her husband John. She’s wearing a Dixon gun show hat and can be reached at 916-542-8010 or contacted at:

Dixon Gun Show@gmail.com.

The show will feature exhibitors selling and everything gun related but they want everyone to know they  “Encourage responsible gun ownership”.

More Things For Thought

*I wish I had the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a three-year old.


*I’m not sure if I really like going to the movies… or if I just like staring at something whilst I eat popcorn.

*”I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worm’s never glum, because how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?

*Good, good, good … if it isn’t that guy that’s very well with grammar.

*Redneck word of the week… twerk:  “I’m going to have two more beers than its back twerk.”

*When the wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday I winked at her… she gave me eye drops.

*I’m not good at pushups, or sit ups, or even those damn pull ups… but I’m great at screw ups.

*Everyone else seems to have countless selfies and Facebook photos of themselves from neat places all around the world… and I’m, like, here’s another shot of me from a different angle in my La-Z-Boy.

*I didn’t set out to gain all this weight… it happened by snaccident.

*It seems that Mr. Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

*It’s well known that some members of a prison population become very well-read and crafty with words… apparently you can mix prose with cons.

*When a dish or a plate comes out of the dishwasher still dirty I run it thru again… Because I believe in second chances.

*I knew a guy who had a “lazy eye” and had to wear an eye patch… my whole body is lazy so I wear my couch.

*Pizza is a really good argument against the philosophy of nihilism.

*I just found out “el chapo” is a Mexican drug lord… and not the guy that’s been stealing our chap-sticks for years.

*Had a questionable job interview… when asked if I could pass a pee test I said “sure! Distance or accuracy?”

*Ninety percent of being a pharmacist is fighting off the babes….

*I find it an odd trait of humans that some of the richest and most prosperous amongst us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.  

*Confucius says… “Man who goes thru airport turnstile sideways is not going to Bangkok.”

*Trying to decide which candidate to vote for is very similar to trying to decide which STD is just the right one for me.

*I was invited to go smoke a joint with some Mexicans down the street… I asked them if they had papers and they all ran off.

*Its obvious chocolate was created for women… after all; it is called Hershey, not hisshey.

*Sometimes just walking past the front of a nursing home serves as a good reminder to go buy my kids whatever they seem to want.

*”Happiness comes from within”… which is why it feels so good to fart.

*I enjoy the simple things in life… like recklessly spending all my money and being a disappointment to my family.

*I took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm… the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel weak and dizzy.

*You might have a million dollar body… but you’ve got a food stamp face.

*If you’re ovulating and then engage in sex standing up… is that a standing ovulation?

*Mosquitos are a lot like family… annoying, but they share your blood.

*It is definitely true that ‘time flies when you’re having fun’… however, it is also true that time eventually rests on a tree branch and craps on your head.

*Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.



No Comments »

September 16th 2016
Human Trafficking Here… Now!By Ted Hickman from That’s Life column.

Posted under That's Life Columns

Human Trafficking, Here-Now!

Do something about it!

2016-9-16ab2 2016-9-16-ab2 2016-9-16ab3

This is a high profit, low cost business where despicable people can make a lot of money selling something that’s not theirs… your sons and daughters. These dirtball criminals kidnap children all over the world and either sell them into a miserable life of sexual slavery or set up in business selling them as sexual slaves themselves forcing them to have sex and do unthinkable things with up to 20 people a day. It really didn’t hit home until cases started popping up in Solano and right in this area. In only happens in third world countries you think… Wrong, it is prevalent in California with Sacramento being a hub for transfer of these modern day slaves from one scumbag to another and there are now cases hitting home right in our immediate area, right here, right now. Castration and slowly beating to death with a ball bat is too good for these criminals but you as a business owner, or if you’re law enforcement, can learn what you can do to help stop their illegal human trade right here in Dixon.

On October 29, there will be a Human Trafficking Awareness conference right here in Dixon. The IS 80 corridor is a mainline for these creeps and their poor captives. Yes, they come right through here and may even stop with their captives for food or drink. Our police and first responders will be involved in this conference but they need anyone who has contact with the “just passing through” crowd to attend this FREE conference to learn what can be done to help with this problem. Seating is limited. Law enforcement first responders and business people from throughout the area will gather here to listen to experts in the field. If you are interested you can call Phil Lockwood at 707-592-1248 and reserve a seat… This is a morally important issue and if you can help you really should.



No Comments »

September 9th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #638 (9-19-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 



In a matter of moments last week our son Trey took the photos above from his house in rural Dixon showing a incredible sunset over the foothills. He took the photos with his cell phone and no alterations were made. People who know about these things said it was a rare occasion to see these formations of clouds and the incredible change in  clouds in a matter of minutes… If you saw it you were probably in Awe too!

Nomorobo” Stuff


            I’ve told you about this before but it needs repeating… especially for seniors. Go on line or have someone do it for you and sign up for this GREAT FREE service. We forgot how great it was until we somehow got disconnected from it and started getting the computer generated “robo calls” from 8 a.m. until 10 p.m.; about six to eight a day. I went back into the site and re-entered the information and glory hallelujah the calls dropped to about zero (every now and then one may sneak through i.e. “Hello mester Ted I jam calling jeu about yor Microsoft computer…it es in danger)…” and the beautiful silence was restored. If you are getting these annoying calls just go to Nomorobo and stop them. Many have had to check their phones after installing it to see if they were still working!

Ok, you’ve enabled and verified Nomorobo on your phone. What now? Just use your phone like normal. The only thing that you should do is to wait for the second ring to answer the phone (Nomorobo needs the first ring to detect robocallers). If you only hear one ring and then it stops, you know a robocaller was just blocked. If the phone continues ringing, you should answer it.

Will this block my doctor’s office, prescription reminders, school closings, weather advisories, etc.? No. The only numbers that are blocked are illegal robocallers. Hey! A robocaller still called me! Occasionally a robocaller or a telemarketer will slip through. Just like spam, they keep changing their tactics and Nomorobo keeps adapting. If you do get a robocall, please report it.  I have more questions! If you have any other questions, comments, or suggestions, please check their help desk.


Where’s The Flags Stuff

moving flag

Emails, 50 to 100 a day… “Ted: How come MacDonald’s and Burger King quit flying the American Flag? A bundh of us are refusing to spend money at any business that can fly the flag but doesn’t. Can you find out why? “Sure. Why are you guys not flying the flag anymore?

There… If that doesn’t do it why don’t you ask them?

Traffic Stuff, Speedways


From texts and Email and phone and going out in public, social media and carrier pigeon: “Ted when is somebody going to do something about the: … speeding, cars running stop signs, people talking on their phones and texting, the drag strip at the high school, the kids playing “frogger” to get to or from Northwest park or to and from school.

This is actually something we can do something about! I have asked the city manager to have the Traffic Advisory Committee not only to look at a four-way stop for Almond and West A Street but putting a “15 MPH speed zone” when children are present, at all school and 2/3 of the streets around Northwest Park. If you’ve ever been to Nevada people there obey the school speed zone and the crosswalks religiously… If they don’t they face a hefty fine with no options. One big fine that’s it. No debate… we need the same thing here. I’m tired about the barbs about the “do nothing” police department turning their heads and “not doing anything” about the dangerous traffic problems. I want to hear some whining about the police department handing our citations like candy at Halloween…; I’ll have one answer… “Glad you got a tickets we may have just saved a child’s life… slow the *#@& down, get off your phone and pay attention to your driving.”

Bumper thingies are supposed to be coming for the high school speedway and the solar electronic speed signs are “coming” (so’s Christmas) for each school and maybe reduced speeds at the schools and  parks… Maybe even before surviving kindergartners reach high school.


Confusing Election Stuff


The reasons people call. “Ted how do I know what voting district I’m in? Do we get a map or a list of streets? Will each district have a different ballot? I’m really confused can you help me out? Will everything be on one ballot and if so how do I know who to vote for and who not to and if I vote for both will; my vote not count then?  What idiot though this up in the first place?” The city staff and I are working on getting answers… because nobody seems to know what’s what at this point in time. As soon as I/we know you’ll know OK?


Fix The Damned Streets Stuff


The reason I don’t go to Safeway or Wal-Mart a lot: “Hey Ted, howya doing? When you guys gonna fix the damned streets. Good question and I’m working on getting an answer. Highway 113 (North First Street) should start to be paved from the overpass to Atkinson’s storage any day now (right) and then next year Cal Trans will continue the job… “Great job you guys paved West A Street that didn’t need it and won’t pave N. First Street that does.”  First Street is a state highway controlled by Cal Trans… That should answer all of your questions.

And the best one: “You guys say you have millions of our dollars in reserve… How about spending our money to fix our streets?”

Nothing is in the works to pave the dangerous State Highway113 from Dixon to highway 12 because there haven’t been enough deaths and no one of importance apparently drives that route.


Only California Stupid Stuff

azzzzzthe loook

Did you hear about this one? A group of left winged liberal California nuts this week wants to change the names of all schools named after early famous people and presidents like Washington, Jefferson, etc. “because they were slave owners and the implication has a negative effect on children”…  Really, I’m not kidding. Someone please start a fund to have these idiots neutered so they can no longer breed this ultra-liberal nonsense. I think my ancestors had slaves in the tobacco fields of Virginia so maybe they need to remove my name from the inscription on city hall… (I always have a negative effect on children anyway because my expectations for them are higher for them than they are for themselves.) You go back far enough and any early American family probably had slaves before Lincoln and the Republican Party put an end to it… It’s just a shame you can’t cure stupid. The state of Washington and D.C. will have to think of new cool names… a few come to mind.


More Things For Thought Stuff


*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.

*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to Target.

*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.

**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things… either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.

*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.

*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period?  His paycheck… it comes once a month lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.

*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!

*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.

*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?

*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.

*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.  

*Have 2 tickets for the first Kings game not realizing it’s on the same day as my wedding, so I cannot go. If you would like to go instead… it’s at St. Mary’s church in Sacramento, her name is Amanda.

*The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

*Vegetables are a must on a good diet… may I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.

*Don’t you just love it when you’re singing a song you don’t really know… but that 15 second part you do know is coming up and you are just going to own it!

*I don’t ask for much…I just want all the extra fat on my body to fall off… and turn into cash.

*”Maybe if you go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning” is literally the human version of “have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?”

*Relationships are just two people constantly asking each other what they want to eat or do… until one of them dies.

*If humans could fly chances are we’d consider it exercise… and never do it.

*When I bang my toe on something in the night it’s like I pressed a play button that screams every curse word I’ve ever known.

*Times have been tough financially lately… in fact; I’m as broke as the tooth fairy in a house of meth addicts.

*Hospitals are so strange.  On one floor a woman is bringing a new human life into the world while the father looks on…  And on the floor below her a fraternity boy is getting a Wii-remote removed from his butt. The circle of life.

*Based on my hair this morning I think I may be a Muppet.

*They should put confetti in tires… so even if you have a blow-out it’s still kinda an okay day.

*If you fall I will always be there to pick you up… after laughing, and taking a picture and telling a few people about it.

*It’s the little things in life that make you laugh… I never understood that expression until I saw two midgets fighting at Wal-Mart.

*Do girls shake the gas pump handle after buying gas… or is that just a guy thing?

*You never realize how many people you dislike… until you try to pick a name for your kids.

*I stayed up all night thinking “Where does the sun come from?”… And then it dawned on me.

*One day a long time ago one perceptive guy said, “You know where we should all save our money?  Inside the statue of a pig!”… and everybody said that is a GREAT idea!”

*Why do they call them “your bowels” and not “your instinks”?

*Based on his reaction you’d think our dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys or mailmen.

*One of my old girl friends broke up with me because she said I’d never amount to anything… well, many, many years later let me say this: Lucky guess.

*I told my granddaughter her freckles were kisses from angels… she sighed, Goggled and said, “Gramps, they’re actually small individual clusters of concentrated melanin.”

*The wife and I watched all this season’s episodes of “the Outlander” back-to-back… luckily I was the one facing the TV.

*If I say “don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.



No Comments »

September 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #637 (9-2-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Kaepernick’s Taken One Too Many Shots To The Head?

 2016-8-26A 2016-9-2-16

            San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand for the national anthem during a preseason game last Friday out of protest against America’s treatment of “Black people and people of color.” Everyone knows that.

Kaepernick told NFL media he made his own decision to protest the playing of the anthem during the game against the Green Bay Packers, saying he felt an obligation to stand with “People that are oppressed.”

“I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color,” he said. “To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder.”

The cops are getting away with murder? Consider the source… a street-smart (right!), silver spoon in the mouth, urban gang banger who really knows what’s going on (right!)?

You heard the rest from this young multi-millionaire-has-been who apparently has taken one too many blows to the head. This oppressed by white people guy who was raised by white parents, in Turlock of all places, after his mother of color gave him away. He gets his millions from this nasty nation weather he plays or not and of course he will now keep getting “hurt” and won’t play much, but will get paid mucho… Now the American way I guess.

I get where he is entitled to his opinion and that’s it’s covered by the constitution the same as my opinion. To make a statement is one thing, to disrespect a country that gave this curious mix everything he ever dreamed of and more… is another matter. In MY opinion he needs to be traded to some Saudi Arabian team where he will feel more at home with his anti-American hatred… I personally don’t give a rat’s ass what the hell he thinks.

Just don’t forget the hundreds of thousands of veterans who have died and are dying to allow this American hater his right to free speech and to refuse “to stand up to show pride in a flag”. I can’t wait until he gets to play again and some big good old boy, whose father is a cop or vet, decides to teach this Brainiac a lesson in civics by plowing him to the ground… for good maybe.


Just A Regular Guy… Sent This To Me


I used to think I was just a regular guy, but… I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby.
I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
 I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I (and most of the folks I know), acquired a fair education without student loans (it’s called work) and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I‘m just not sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happen to me so quickly! Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last seven or eight years!
As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!


What did you do last Sunday?



            Son Trey, Linda and I went on a long one-day deer hunt last Sunday just outside of Ukiah in the high foothills overlooking the wine country. A lot of folks don’t realize how high the “foothills” are. We thousands of feet above the fog in crisp morning air. As usual Linda and I didn’t hurt a thing while Trey took a nice forkey. You can barely see Linda’s rifle but she’s looking at a bush through her scope. Great views and weather for this time of the year… so if you wonder what some seniors do on weekends here’s an example… get out in it… and remember it’s the going not the getting that counts… Right!


True Story…



This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way. He said:  “Up until last week, I still had it all!  A cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.” I asked him, “What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?”  “Oh no, nothing like that” he said. “No, no … I got paroled…”


Clinton’s Wiener In Trouble Again!


Pictured is the lovely Mr. and Mrs. Weiner a couple of Hil-lie-ry’s top supporters.

One of Hil-lie-ry’s top campaign folks, Muslim Huma Abedin, is dumping her husband and Clinton supporter Anthony Weiner because Tony’s been sexting AGAIN!  Weiner resigned from congress in disgrace in 2011 for sending nudie shots of himself via text’s and then again when he ran for Mayor of New York in 2013 when he couldn’t keep his privates private and had to engage in “Sexting” again… He swore to everyone he had nipped the habit in the butt, so to speak but this past week he let it all hang out again and got caught. This time his devout wife, a sure higher up in any Clinton admiration, said she had enough of Weiner’s wagging and has filed for separation as any good Muslim wife would do after three strikes. How would you like to have a Weiner for Mayor? The folks of NYC didn’t want one so I know where there’s one just hanging out…


More Things For Thought


 *My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.

*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”

*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.

*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.

*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.

*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.

*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!

*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day.  I know this now.

*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.

*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.

*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?

*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.

*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.

*Poor:  an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.

*I was inept with girls in my youth. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger. 

*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?

*You’re just five beers away from being my type.

**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”

*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.

*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl


No Comments »

August 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #636 (8-26-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Dixon Murder-Suicide

2016-8-26-a - Copy

The reports you’ve heard about a husband-wife murder-suicide a last weekend a few blocks from our home is true. It apparently was the most horrific crime scene in this area’s history done by an apparently completely deranged man (at the time) who went off the deep end … with two children (who weren’t physically harmed) in the home. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know the grizzly details and it was so bad all first responders involved have serious counseling available to them provided by the city. The point is if you are friends, relatives or neighbors of this senseless tragedy do what you can to support the families and especially the children… I don’t know how they will ever get over the trauma… You know in this business, as an elected official and newspaper person, there are sometimes you wish you weren’t privy to information like this… hug your kids and kiss your mate.


Political Endorsement Help
2016-8-26-c2016-8-26-b - Copy

I was running our young bird dog a couple of days ago about 10 a.m. and here comes a skunk down the road right at us, close enough to get this picture with my phone… in broad daylight (not a good thing) and it naturally got me started thinking about the upcoming elections and…

… It’s started already… people asking me what I think about this candidate or that candidate or this or that ballot issue, etc.… At this point in time all I have to say is to look at each candidate, what they’ve done and read the fine print on each ballot issue and then… If it looks like a skunk, it walks like a skunk and it smells like a skunk you can probably bet it will be a skunk and won’t (or can’t) change its stripe Hope this helps!


With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…


…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
  2. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

  1. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)
  2. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
    A. Premature death
  3. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)
  4. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)
  5. What is the fibula?
    A.A small lie
  6. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A. Nearby
  7. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)
  8. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
  9. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
  10. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
  11. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)
    Q. What is a turbine?

Subject: Milwaukee

wwwwpissed off

Best quote of the evening on events in Milwaukee: “A black criminal pointed a stolen gun at a black policeman, and got shot by that black policeman, who was protecting a black neighborhood. So the residents of that neighborhood rioted and burned down their own neighborhood, because black lives matter!” Did I get that right? Am I missing something?


2016-8-5a2015NRA moving flag

2016Wave Al202042020320202


More Tings For Thought


*I’m really glad that back in high school we learned so much about parallelograms rather than how to do taxes… it’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.

*The farmer asked the vet if his pig was going to be ok… ..”Yes, just apply the oinkment.  I ham so sorry.  I don’t know what’s bacon me say these things.”

*What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.

*Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? Those were good times.

*Sometimes you’re the cat, sometimes you’re the hairball… inspirational sayings are easy!

*I often think that if I’d taken a different path in life… I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable couch right now.

*Being a husband is a lot like being a weatherman… you can be wrong 90% of the time and still hold onto your job.

*I almost choked to death on a Kale chip… that never happens with Cinnabons.

*You can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers… which are right over there by the sidewalk.

*I can tell she’s getting more mature because she just used the word “genitalia”… instead of “wiener thingie”.

*Found out today that you can’t join a gym “just to watch”.

*My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.

*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”

*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.

*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.

*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.

*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.

*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!

*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day.  I know this now.

*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.

*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.

*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?

*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.

*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.

*Poor:  an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.

*I was inept with girls in my youth.  Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger. 

*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?

*You’re just five beers away from being my type.

**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”

*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.

*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl

*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.

*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to target.

*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.

**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things………either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.

*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.

*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period?  His paycheck… it comes once a month, lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.

*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!

*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.

*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?

*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.

*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.  








No Comments »

Next »