June 17th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #626 (6-17-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Here We Go…


You know what an oxymoron is right? Then you should also know what a moron is when you see or hear one… or two. Take Ba-rack and Hi-lie-ry these past few days. Now I’m not making this up, I couldn’t. Both have said, with a straight face that it is wrong to blame Muslims for the actions of a few…But then speaking with the other face they blame and want to punish all legitimate gun owners for the actions of a very few… see a problem with this? If not, you are part of the problem. It’s like me saying my computer keyboard is responsible for what’s written here. It isn’t… I am. The guns didn’t kill the night clubbers, the whacko American/Muslim Extremist wannabe did.

Him, or her, their whole shtick is to disarm law abiding Americans so only government approved, armed and monitored Muslim security guards have weapons Make sense to you?

Here in California it is even worse with the tree hugging, liberal San Francisco types elected to state office. They now want to make you register to buy ammo… Like the bad guys are going to do that right? These brilliant minds figure if you can’t ban firearms ban the ammo… Duh, ever heard of Reno you dips**ts?

I have a couple of questions for many of you who are either anti-gun or kind of on the fence.

#1. What could have happened if there had been a CWP person in Orlando when nutso started blasting away? Answer: Many deaths could have been avoided by dropping the Muslim Radical Extremist dead in his track, with dead being the operative word here.

#2. Do you really think disarming the law abiding American citizens (knowing that hunters in this country, something like 80 million, who have more weapons and outnumber most countries armed forces) will stop the bad guys from killing, robbing, raping and pillaging? If so, quit reading this and go back to your happy place.



#3. Here are some undeniable facts: The government and police cannot protect you and your family. The can respond after the fact and take a report and maybe make an arrest. The fact is you better be ready to defend you home and loved ones and to do that you need to have personal protection. The only thing I recommend (for the 10th time) is a home protection shotgun loaded with 00B… no, not OObama BS but double ought buckshot.

If and when you or your family finds themselves in real danger in your own home you can end the threat quickly. It doesn’t take much skill, just very little training, and the bad guys can’t duck double ought buck… trust me on this one. A pistol for home protection… in most cases not a good idea. You have to be good enough both mentally and skill-set wise to use one under stressful conditions and 99 per cent of our citizens just aren’t prepared for this.

Pulling the trigger on a shot gun? Anyone, of any size or age can do that as a last resort and bring a bad situation to a quick and better ending. Every member of our family from the youngest to the oldest knows how to safely handle and fire a full range of weapons from pistols to long guns to shotguns.

Really what I’m saying is that I am calling for all hunters and all Veterans to get a CWP and have a firearm nearby or on your person at all times. They, along with everyone else should have a self-defense shotgun, (shorter barrel than a hunting one) in their bedroom, close at hand each night in their homes. When it comes down to it you are your family’s first and last line of defense. No matter how you feel about guns having one and not needing it is far better than needing one and not having it shoulda, woulda and coulda won’t hack it in the aftermath of a tragedy that could have been avoided with personal self-defense.

I’m encouraging every law abiding American citizen to apply for a CWP. You can apply for a Concealed Weapon Permit through the Solano County Sheriff’s Department and will undergo a rigorous background check, many hours of classes, weapon training and weapons qualifying before they will issue a permit but you can, and should, get one. If you live in Yolo County or the People’s Republic of Davis you get what you got… Scream and throw rocks I guess until help arrives.

2015pic2 - Copy


Got My CWP Renewed Yesterday…

 moving naked man - Copy

I got my concealed gun permit yesterday and went over to the Bass Pro Shop in Roseville to get another smaller pistol and a home defense shotgun just for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the guns, shells and bullets, the cashier said “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. ..I still don’t think I looked that bad.


From The Mailbag


            To Ted Hickman: “On Tuesday, September 13, 2016 the financial center located at 178 North First St, Dixon, Ca is closing”. It goes on to say they will keep my money and I’ll have to go to Davis or Vacaville if I want to get any of it… Unless of course I can use on-line or mobile banking or I can manage my accounts by phone if I still live in the Stone Age. They end their letter by saying “We’re here to help”… Gee, thanks Bank of AmericaFirst Northern Bank is right across the street folks, so move your business over there… and it’s local. I hear the B of A building will be up for sale in case you’ve always wanted to buy a bank building and turn it into a nightclub or something.

This Bother You?


This picture was posted on a liberal website with this accompanying question; “If you were in a public place, would you feel comfortable with him sitting ten (10) feet away from your children?”

This is the thoughtful response from one of the readers; “I would gently explain to my children that while it is his absolute right to do it, I do not approve. Then I will let them know, in no uncertain terms, that if I ever catch THEM wearing brown slacks, blue socks and black shoes, IN PUBLIC, I will slap the stupid out of them.” … Texas Mom


A Figure Of Speech


A “paraprosdokian” is a figure of speech in which the latter part

of a sentence is unexpected -and oft times very humorous… Here’s some:

*If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

*I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.

*Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*Take my advice — I’m not using it.

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

*Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.

*Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

*Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

*Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

*He who laughs last thinks slowest.

*Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

*Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

*I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

*I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.

*If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

*Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

*If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

*Money is the root of all wealth.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.






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June 10th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #625 (6-10-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

If you or anyone you know is buying or selling real estate please remember I’m also a Realtor  and would appreciate referrals!


Another Historic Loss…


            Not long ago I sat down in the old two-story country farm house in rural Dixon to talk with Arlene “Sis” Jones. She said she was a loyal reader of this column and asked me to stop by and talk about some personal matters. Now instead of six loyal readers I, suddenly and unexpectedly, only have five.

May 27 she goes out in the evening and hefts some hay bales for feed like she has done all of her life. She was a healthy, robust 80 years old and was “just a little tired”. The next morning she didn’t feel well so her daughter called 911 and the ambulance rushed her to the UCD Med Center where she was pronounced; gone… Kind of a funny thing… when we were talking we touched on age and passing on and she said when her time came she hoped it would be quick. I mentioned she should keep her DNR form on the refrigerator for first responders… Gads now I feel like the voice of doom. Anyway she went quickly and her whole family although, of course saddened by the loss, took solace with the fact she passed on quickly with apparent little suffering.

Now what does this have to do with anything? Arlene Pedrick (like the road) “Sis” Jones comes from a fourth generation Dixon family which originally settled on a land grant, in the 1800’s, a little northeast of town. Her late husband Elmer Jones’ family was also fourth generation and his family settled in the same area on a land grant of their own. The both went through Dixon schools and were “locals” to the end. Arlene and Elmer leave behind fifth and sixth generations through their daughter, sons and grand kids (some of which are at breeding age so there probably will be a seventh generation some day).

The Jones family is well known in the ag community always involved in kid’s ag projects and organizations… Horses, and cows were her big thing but all kinds of livestock came her way at one time or the other. The assemblage of the folks at her service and burial was a collection of those whose families made it possible for Dixon to become what it is today… It was like having a living history book which collectively needs to be recorded and reported for this generation and the next (Bill Schroeder…?)


Bye-Bye- B of A


            So the giant B of A (which by the way hasn’t been an American owned bank in years) is pulling the plug on its Dixon Branch and getting out of town. I got a notice letter saying they were leaving us (no big loss they never did anything much for anybody locally anyway except take our money and make more money off of it). It was nice of the giant money maker to say we can still do business with them… Just go to Davis or Vacaville and use their branches there… Yeah, right. Luckily we have the FNB, Travis Credit Union and Wells Fargo to take our money huh?


School’s Out… Easy Money

wwwwpissed off

            On the first day of school kid’s summer vacation my first wife Linda and I came around the corner from H Street onto Almond going south. Here come eight tweens or sub teens roaring down the street on their bikes, no helmets of course in Dixon. This in itself isn’t that unusual it happens every summer and we all know to be more aware when school’s out. This time it was different… five of your little angels were on their cell phones, riding oblivious, blowing a stop sign and daring to be hit.

Now here is where you as a parent can make some quick cash… get a hefty insurance policy on your kids. Encourage them to keep talking on their phones on their bikes (they shouldn’t have in the first place) and have them not wear helmets (because it isn’t cool) and ride into traffic and ignore all rules of the road. You do this and you stand a pretty good chance of getting a big payoff… I mean what the hell… if you lose one you can make another one just like them can’t you?


I Told You So… Nailed it!

Election follow up

breakinig news moving

            Not long ago I sat in a hotel ballroom in Fairfield for just about the biggest bunch of Solano County elected officials and bureaucrats to ever assemble to listen to a hyped propaganda message about the “for sure” passage of Props “G” and “H” that appeared on Tuesday’s ballot. Every mayor, city manager and public works director plus the board of supervisors and most city council members had endorsed the measures and we were assured of its passage. “Who wouldn’t vote for a little tax to fix the roads and pot holes,” they asked. As usual I said, “A lot of folks won’t”. The response I got was a unanimous “So everybody else (including your mayor and city council and manager) is wrong and you’re right?” I modestly said, “Yep, and it won’t be the first time”!

I explained if they would promise to put the money into a restricted fund the public would approve it but to put it in the general fund and have faith politicians would dole it out fairly wouldn’t float with the voters. They smirked. They said it would take a 2/3rds vote to approve a measure strictly for a specific cause. I said the voters would approve it knowing how bad the roads are. They said, knowing how bad the roads are voters will approve the measure and trust elected officials to do the right thing… I smirked and said in my “bite me” voice, “we’ll see”.

Measure “H” to give the county the money to fix the roads went down hard. In Dixon it went down even harderas I predicted it would do. Measure G (the advisory board should the measure pass) passed by a large margin and even more so in Dixon as I predicted it would do. How can all of these elected officials be so far removed from the people that put them in office? Don’t they talk to real taxpaying people? Put it back on the ballot right, get the 2/3rds vote and fix the damned pot holes.

Our local Guy, Greg Coppes, running for Ca. State Senate came in a fairly close third and carried Dixon. He missed the November runoff by a few percentage points. Not bad for a first time political novice huh? Yamada came in second in Dixon. Dodd bit it locally with the local mayor and councilmen endorsing him… hum.

I missed the boat in one area where Solano County voters approved (Dixon’s wisely didn’tMeasure AA giving our tax dollars to help San Francisco clean up the mess they’ve made of the San Francisco Bay Area… Go figure.


Some people wonder what we

do on weekend when there’s no

hunting and the fish aren’t biting…

That same someone snapped this photo

of us without our knowing or our permission.



More Things For Thought


*I love to spice-up the wife’s shopping trips by accompanying her into the fitting rooms… and after five minutes hollering, “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”

**The only BS I need in my life is breakfast and sex.

*Studies show that 90% of the women who wear yoga pants don’t do yoga… and 100% of straight men don’t care.

*The wife is always mad at me for not putting the toilet seat down… and to be honest I am getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

**I finally figured out why I always look so bad in pictures… it’s my darned face.

**My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

*Today’s breaking news is that apple is developing an electric car… the charge lasts about an hour and it comes with a two-foot charging cord.

**Stephen hawking says that artificial intelligence could destroy the world… sorry, Stephen, my money’s on lack of intelligence.

**Saying “to each their own” is a great way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.

**Have you ever noticed how loud the sound of popping the top on a beer is in a quiet place… for instance the gym or the back row of church?

*It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodge ball to the face like we did… back in the day.

*Earth day… crap, I thought you said “girth day” and you were celebrating your fat butt!

**Last night the wife got upset because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator…….but all’s ok now, it’s just water under the fridge.

**If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship with “Look, I just need space”… then you’re wasting everybody’s time.

*Stupid people were put on this earth just to test my anger management skills.

**If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious… I’d wonder who the hell was paying me and why!

***Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app they might start using it.

*If you wear cowboy clothing… are you ranch dressing?*

**Rejecting someone by saying “You deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than date them.

*If you had the chance to choose between losing weight or chocolate… would you like it dark, white or milk?

**The first rule of OCD club is that there has to be a second rule… so we have an even number of rules.

***The world would be a much better place if some people’s mothers would’ve just had a headache.

**Have you ever realized that if you’re going to insult the Amish you’ll have to do it to their face… they’ll never see it online.

***Turns out “Pick the biggest one and punch him in the face” may earn you lots of respect as a new prisoner… but not so much as a first-grade substitute teacher.

*Ever noticed how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel… or half the roll?

**It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind a woman buying tampons.

*Woke up just in time to pitch the damn cat off the bed before she upchucked… today’s off to a promising start.

**I exchanged the spare tire in my trunk for a bottle of jack Daniels… at my age I’ve no inclination to change a tire, but I know I’ll need a drink as I wait for the auto club guy.

*Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo………cole’s law.

That's Life 7




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June 3rd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #624 (6-3-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Some Things To Think About This Election

2016 6-3A 

            With the primary election looming over our heads next Tuesday (I guess it’s  really this coming Tuesday) those of you who haven’t voted by mail get the pleasure of going to your favorite heated polling place and marking your ballots the old fashion way.

I’ve had more than the usual amount of questions, especially from younger voters, about what’s what and who’s who. They are confused and bewildered by the political crap flowing in all directions from all matter of media. I made my answers fairly simple when they asked directly like; “Who can you trust”? Trust Hilary and the national-news -left-slanted media? I don’t think so… Loved the AP story this week, not saying Hilary lied, she just “misstates key facts” according to the Inspector General’s report just issued … what a crock. But I guess that’s as close as the mainstream liberal media will come to telling the truth… We really do need more Independent Voices.

2016 63B

Trying to explain the “system” I used myself as a rare example of someone elected to office without taking any bribes from any one, or organizations, including police, fire, city employees, real estate associations or the major parties, etc. I knocked off two incumbents and a bunch of others. Funny thing is I’ve been one of the best friends of all of these folks (that threw money at the other candidates)  while in office… only because in each voting case it was the right thing to do… funny huh? Although the Solano County Republican Party took credit for my winning the election I never asked for or received a penny or any form of endorsement from them… They shunned me when I ran (and endorsed two others) but tried to embrace me when I won… duh. See I have a freedom all of the others don’t have. I can tell the SCRCC to “bite me” and it won’t hurt our relationship.

2016 63d

 I’m really sorry to say my kind of victory was a very rare occurrence today in America. A person elected without huge financial backing, and selling their soul to the devil to get into office, is almost unheard of. Look at the contributors (it’s all public record) from our little local level all the way up the line… that will tell you where your politician’s real loyalties lie. This is how the system now works I’m sad to say.

Anyhow, back to our local concerns. In the Ca. State Senate race the “demoncrats” have been trashing each other in their daily mailers spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to get you to believe their crap and not believe their opponents. Bill Dodd (D-Napa formerly R-Napa), according to him, is solely responsible for everything good that’s happened to our area since the civil war. He’s bankrolled with several million dollars from the entire power structure from this entire area because they think he is a shoo-in… and he probably is. He’s got more “juice” than a baby at nap time. Love his latest zillion dollar flyer campaign mailer telling how he has the endorsement of all law enforcement and then had pictures of fake rent-a cops on his flyer… Nice one Bill.

One of his opponents Madam Curry (D-Yolo), the Mayor of Winters, has been shunned by the area’s power structure even though she says she is responsible for everything that’s good in Winters since the damn was built… Yea, right. She’s only spent $141,509.70  so far

2016 63c

Meanwhile our local non-political guy, Greg Coppes, (R-Solano) just keeps keeping on, learning, watching and getting amused at the goings on of the demoncrats. He’s the only Republican in the race. The only outsider, never-been (or tried to be) elected person running. If by some miracle he is elected we (the lowly taxpayer) would finally have a real voice in Sacramento… His finances to date are measly compared to the big boys (and girl). It would be great to see him continue on to the main event in November… Guess we’ll see Tuesday huh?

On the ASS-embly side we have the Mayor of the People’s Republic of Davis, Dan Wolk (D-Yolo), trying to take over mama’s seat in the assembly with a measly war chest of only $182,791.60 forked over by “supporters”… How many return favors does he owe if he wins? Yolo County Supervisor Don Saylor squeezed his juicers for only $264,062.21 according to published reports. And this is just for the primaries?

Wants to know who owns whom? Follow the paper trail and you’ll see. Sad to say the one with the most marbles usually wins the contest nowadays… I was the exception and elected only on my merits, reputation of being a straight shooter and 50 years of local/area community service… no one else has done it in recent memory anywhere in the state… and I’m sad to say it probably won’t happen again… Get someone elected only on their proven merits, with no backing and no mega funding? Are you nuts…?

Hope this helps any of you undecideds and doesn’t discourage you from voting. We’ve, my first wife Linda and I, never missed an election since we became old enough to vote… please vote or don’t bitch at the outcome. If you do vote then you are entitled to complain all you want. If not, shut the hell up. You are part of the problem while voters are at least trying to be part of the solution… Amen brother and sisters the sermon is over!


2016 63e

“You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s Initiative and independence. You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”     
~Abraham Lincoln

2016 63f

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him had better take a much closer look at the American Indian.”~Henry Ford


Really…More Things For Thought…x20161

*A bead of sweat forms on my brow. And another. Intensity builds as I decide my future and then embrace it… “I’ll take the maple bar, please.”

*Tell your wife she’s pretty a thousand times and she’ll never remember it… but call her fat just once and she’ll never forget it.

*The individual who did the proof reading of Hitler’s speeches… the first grammar Nazi.

*A friend was rushed to the ER after being found unconscious and seizing during a Shrek marathon… the ER doctor exclaimed, “migawd! We’ve got an ogredose!”

*Someone handed me a picture and said “this is me when I was younger”… BFD, every picture of you is when you were younger.

*Tupac Shakur claimed to be a philosopher, a rapper and an actor… did this mean he was a philosoraptor?

*Friends are like snowflakes… if you pee on them they disappear.

*All of the flags left on the surface of the moon by our astronauts have turned white due to the radiation from the sun… great, now it looks like the French went there.(For Vets).

*The only “F” word that comes out of a woman’s mouth and scares me is “fine”.

*”Damn Whale”… the working title Herman Melville used during the writing of what eventually became “Moby Dick”.

*I want a closed casket funeral. But towards the end of the service I’d like the organist to play “pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.  

*When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card. (Think about it)

*I remove my blindfold.  Before me lies a gory tableau of death and destruction with bodies strewn over the landscape…however, the piñata is unscathed.

*The fitness guy at the gym keeps asking me if I squat… I rent.  I’m not a bum!

*I damn near sliced my finger off cutting up some celery and carrots for a snack… this never happens with cupcakes.

*What do you call an alligator wearing a vest…an investigator?

*I’d rather be liked than loved… when you disappoint a girl who likes you they’re less likely to make a secret pact with the devil to destroy your life.

*Never compliment a woman on her mustache… no matter how epic it is.

*I don’t care what it says in your will… when you die we’re doing a re-enactment of “weekend at Bernie’s”.

*The other giraffes watched and giggled as Hubert got to the 87th button on his dress shirt… and then told him he started one button off.

*Based on how startled I look when the toast pops up… I will never look nonchalant walking away from an explosion.

*When you consider the fact that Ironman and Batman’s only real “superpower” is being super rich and smart… Bill Gates has turned out to be a real disappointment.

*My grandfather died during sex… I still cry when I watch it on video.

*There is a rumor circulating that the Oakland Raiders are changing their name to the Possums… they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

*You know you’re tired when you doze off while in the shower.

*I stumbled into bed last night and she said “you’re drunk!”  When I asked her how she figured that out she said, “because you live next door!”

*Pigeons seem to treat their ability to fly the same way I treat my ability to run.

*In life you need one thing to survive.  The ability to realize that crap happens… you step in it, accept it, get over it and then just keep going.

*I’ve always wanted to start up a brand of Christian-themed lollipops… and call them Catho-licks.

*Unf**kwithable:  (adj.) when you’re truly at peace and in touch with yourself, nothing anyone says or does bother you, and no negativity or drama can reach you.



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May 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #623 (5-27-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

  Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 


Dixon’s Veteran Greg Coppes carries the colors

Memorial Day 2016… Why?

MM 2015

Kids: Wonder why you get a day off from school Monday so close to the end of the school year? All of you who get a paid day off of work… Do you really know why?

Memorial Day was originally called Decoration Day and was initiated to honor the soldiers for the Union and Confederate armies who died during the American Civil War. Celebrations honoring Civil War heroes started the year after the war ended. The establishment of a public holiday was meant to unify the celebration as a national day of remembrance instead of a holiday celebrated separately by the Union and Confederate states. By the late 19th century, the holiday became known as Memorial Day and was expanded to include the deceased veterans of all the wars fought by American forces. In 1971, Memorial Day became a federal holiday.

The original national celebration of Decoration Day took place on 30 May 1868. When Memorial Day became a federal holiday, it was given the floating date of the last Monday in May. Since many companies close for the holiday, Memorial Day weekend is three days long for most people. It is the unofficial beginning of the summer vacation season that lasts until the first Monday in September, which is Labor Day. Traditions: Some of the most common Memorial Day traditions that are still practiced in the United States today include:

  • Every Memorial Day, the U.S. flag is quickly raised to the tops of flagpoles, slowly lowered to half-mast, and then raised again to full height at noon. The time at half-mast is meant to honor the millions of fallen U.S. soldiers who have died for their country over the years. Re-raising the flag is meant to symbolize the resolve of the living to carry on the fight for freedom so that the nation’s heroes will not have died in vain.
  •  It is very common to visit cemeteries, particularly military cemeteries, at this time of year to decorate the graves. Small American flags, flowers, and wreathes are commonly placed by the tombstones.

2016-5-27 Linda 2016-5-27-Linda1

Monday might be a good day to take the family out to the beautiful 561 acre National Cemetery just out of town on Midway Road and see the final resting place of some 25,000 people. The veterans (and spouses) are laid to rest in about 18,000 gravesites of those who served this country with honor. At 9 a.m. Saturday (tomorrow) you and your family can help place a flag at each gravesite to honor those who made it possible for us to have what we have today. Pictured above is my first wife Linda at her father’s grave site there and a picture of his headstone. He was among those interned in the first section when this local national treasure was opened.




  • Food Truck Mania Coming Back Today 
  • For the second time the City of Dixon sponsoredFood Truck Mania” will be returning to the Hall Park area (behind city hall and the swimming pool) this evening (Friday) from 5 to 8:30 pm. There will probably be about a dozen trucks with all kinds of specialized ethnic foods on sale. We went to the first one, last time, and it was interesting to see the variety of stuff we don’t have locally. They are here one evening for a few hours and then gone taking local dollars with them… but heck it’s just one little chunk of time out of one evening …and last time there were a couple of locals involved.


x20161More Things For Thought  

*There’s one bible verse that always seem to make me feel encouraged… lunch 12:35.

*If they ever get a donkey and a zebra to mate they would have to call the offspring a zonkey… ‘Because Debra is already taken.

*As I age I find I have three moods………I’m too tired for this carp, I’m too old for this crap, and I’m too sober for this crap.

*When my kids were little I found we were exact opposites.  They would cry when I walked away… and I would cry when they walked toward me.

*I’d be a terrible superhero… I’d be at home and I’d see the signal in the sky calling me to help and I’d be like “damn! I just sat down and got my shoes off!”

*Smartphones are so expensive these days if you fall and hear a crack… you hope it’s your hip.

*If you have a foot fetish and you cheat on your wife… does that mean you got off on the wrong foot?

*Babies are a lot like tattoos:  they’re not cheap, they’re yours forever, your feelings about them will change from day to day… and maybe you should wait a while before showing them off so they’re not all gross looking.

*Gluten is the substance in food that keeps people from being insufferable.

*I don’t exactly know when the UFO landed and dumped off all these stupid people that have been coming into work lately… but apparently they aren’t coming back for them.

*When you said “let’s be friends with benefits”… I just assumed you owned a liquor store.*I don’t always feel like I’m at the top of the gene pool… but when I do I’m usually at Wal-Mart.

*I think it’s important to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant ‘because I’m not going to be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.

*Girls don’t fart… that sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

*An older woman in front of me dropped $20 and I asked myself “what would Jesus do?”… So I turned it into wine, I bought wine. 

  • *I don’t understand all the confusion.  It’s not hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart… one will see you in a little while and the other will see you later.  (For 50+)
  • *I’m not just a pretty face… I have really nice feet too.
  • *I grew up under the threat of nuclear war… forgive me if I can’t muster up the appropriate terror at the thought of gluten in my sandwich.
  • *Why do porn sites have a “share to Facebook” button…who watches porn and thinks “you know, my friends and family would really enjoy this!”
  • *Kids are a lot like donuts.  Sweet and yummy, but after one or two and you’re like, “what the hell have I done?”
  • *I like to separate my M&M’s by color before I eat them… so I’m either OCD or a racist.
  • *I read that back in the 1930’s teething babies were given cocaine… how ridiculous!  If they had a toothache they probably didn’t even want to party.
  • *Getting older is so awesome… I don’t even have to drink to feel hungover anymore.
  • *There is no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating!
  • *The therapist at the rehab asked my friend how many drinks he had a week… “Hell, I don’t know….I’m an alcoholic, not an accountant!”
  • *If I could give you one thing in life I’d give you the ability to see yourself thru my eyes… then you might realize what a turd you are.
  • *Being an ugly female is just like being a man… you’re going to have to work.
  • *Real women don’t wish their enemies would die… just that they’ll get fat.
  • *Parenting is really no different than surviving a bear attack… curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
  • *I wore a Levi jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants… I had no good answer.
  • *I must be getting old.  Every time I hear Def Leppard’s “pour some sugar on me” I think of two things… who’s cleaning it up and I sure hope we don’t get ants.


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May 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #622 (5-20-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com



“Information Pamphlets” Have Arrived

            Politics never fail to amaze me and with the election season now really underway people once again are asking for my opinion on the ballot issues and the candidates. We received our ballots and have already voted and returned our vote choices to Dixon’s City Hall… You know you can do that right? You can mail your “vote by mail” ballots or drop them off at any of the seven city halls or drop them curbside in Fairfield at the county Ad Min center on Union Street.

With that being said local voters only have a couple of choices to make for state senate and assembly plus a couple of county ballot measures they need to understand. Besides the senate we are also voting for  Assembly District 4 with Winter’s Aguiar Cecilia Curry (trying to cover all the bases), Don Saylor, Charlie Schaupp and Dan Wolk (yep Lois’s boy trying to take her place). Charlie is the conservative, the rest you can flip a coin.

I can’t believe how much local politics have changed over the years. There used to be an understanding if you had a local candidate running for higher office you either endorsed them or stayed neutral… Not anymore! Vacaville’s mayor and whole city council turned their backs on local candidates to endorse the guy who reportedly has spent over $2 million… you know, the guy who sends you two flyers in the mail each day. Bill Dodd the former supervisor from Napa who was a Republican and wanted to run for higher office so switched to Democrat (reportedly he told people that was the only way he could get elected, and was right)… It worked for the assembly and now he’s running for the senate with all the juice this area has to offerexcept his party’s endorsement… kind of odd they didn’t endorse him when they did endorse candidates for all of the other offices? So he should be your choice if you want to get on the bandwagon and support a professional politician who can spend millions of other people’s  dollars to get elected… and then I suppose return the favors once he’s in office. Juice you say? Yep, the guy has all seven Solano County Mayors, the majority of all seven city council, the vast majority of the board of supervisors and according to his flyer even former Dixon Mayor “Joe” Erickson (I didn’t know Don changed his name?) Even two of the Dixon City Councilmen who had the endorsement of the Solano County Republican Party endorsed him?



            I have been asked to make endorsements and since I got elected I’ve adopted a firm policy… I’ll only endorse those who endorsed me when I ran and that’s a very short list… Greg Coppes is an outsider Republican is running against Dodd. He stood up for me and my independence when members of his own group opposed it because of the same lame excuse a local city employees association gave… because I’m considered a “loose cannon” and you can’t depend on me to be bought or sold or controlled…Boo- friggin-Hoo.



            Greg is an outsider looking in… straight as an arrow and an all American, no nonsense, common sense, veteran who will fight for what is right and opposes that which is not. I severed as his vice commander with American Legion Post 208 for years and watched him push to get the great new vet’s hall they now have. I saw him fight the county and get the ear of state and federal elected officials and marshal the troops when needed. He is my only endorsement it’s not only based on my policy, and the fact he is from Dixon but also because I think we could use a no-nonsense outsider to fight for, not only what is right, but the people without a voice. He’s the only Republican in the senate race and is grossly underfunded because he didn’t go begging, cutting deals and making promises… so he can use all of the votes you can get him and any donations you care to make… Here’s a guy trying to make a difference. If he gets elected he will… no one will intimidate him or force him to make a decision which would adversely affect the people that put him in office.

In voting now and in November please remember my favorite saying… “If you always do what you always did you’ll always get what you always got”…And the picture of what we’ve “got” ain’t pretty.

Now Measure G and H and AA



These three ballot measures, “Golly G!” and “What  the Hell?”  and “AA” are facing you as you vote too. This is the same kind of sounds good vote that should garner your yes vote right? Well maybe. First AA is another ATTEMPT TO HAVE OUR TAXPAYERS BAIL OUT THE BAY AREA FOR THE CRAP THEY’VE CAUSED… HELL NO ON THIS ONE.

Measure G is a feel good gutless measure that provides a “citizen oversight committee” to approve projects funded by Measure H and it further says Solano County should spend 100% of proceeds from measure H on “transportation improvements” like fixing pot holes etc. This “Measure” is purely an “Advisory Measure” which means it has no power, no guts and no way to do anything about anything… In other words; compost.

Measure H is where the boots hit the pavement so to speak. This is a gigantic $33,703,000 (That’s 37 million, seven hundred and 3 thousand dollars) generated from a ½ of one percent (1%) county tax for the next five years.

            Now we all know how badly we need road repairs and all seven city’s mayors, city managers and public works directors plus the board of supervisors have endorsed this measure… so who could oppose it and why? How can the whole power structure not be right? What could people possibly complain about with this badly need measure…?



            The big complaint seems to be the county has these funds set to go into the county’s general fund and disbursed from there to the cities.  Trust me the government is only doing this for your own good. To do this the ballot measure only has to have a 50% plus one vote to pass. Had they made the measure into a specific fund for roads (and whatever) fund the measure would have to pass by two thirds (2/3rds) majority. I think voters in this case would have passed the measure that way… I’m not so sure they’ll buy into “we’re your elected officials so trust us to do what we say we will” spiel they’re spewing… but who knows since we are a nation of sheep… bred to follow our leaders and set ourselves to be fleeced at each election (wow I may have coined a new phrase) and we’re slow learners.


More Of The Things People Like To Read2016-5-20-5

*The question is: How many will do their homework and any research at all on the measures of the candidates? The answer is: not enough!*

*In an attempt to explain marriage to my grandson I said “Well, when a man loves a woman a great deal he expresses that love by slowly over time transforming into a human sloth”.

*Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

*One of the benefits of dating me… if you stand next to me you’ll be the thin one.

*’Pampers’ is a great product name… because it implies that being able to poop in one’s disposable underwear is just, well, something special.

*Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.

*My granddaughter is pretty overbearing when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just go along with it… Because when she’s not here I can play with them the way I want.

*I always scream “I DON’T HAVE ANY BREAD” at any duck I see… beady eyed little free loaders.

*Everyone always romanticizes the past and how things used to be… until they get really sick one time and wake up covered in leeches.

*I only date girls with speech impediments… takes them forever to break up with me.

*Parenthood is where you spend 18 years of your life saying “no”…..all because of that one critical time you foolishly said “yes”.

*Someone offered me some grapes but I refused… I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

*”I miss you like an idiot misses the point”.

*What fool called it your foot falling asleep… and not “coma toes”?

*When one of the boys was little every time he drank juice he said “Cheers”……so, no, we were not looking forward to the parent-teacher conferences.  

*I always cry at weddings… because being that close to large cakes always makes me really happy.

*If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder… then by definition, marriage is a bad idea.

*Don’t you think it’s weird when someone says they’re going out for some fresh air……and comes back in smelling like weed?  

*We live in a small town and I’m afraid the local Catholic Priest is getting tired of my carp… I called him at the rectory the other night and asked “What time is the St. Valentine’s Day mass occur?”… He didn’t laugh.

*My self-esteem flared up this morning so I put on my Speedo and checked my bank balance… I’m ok now.

*Why do people say “raw” sewage… saying raw implies that it becomes much better if cooked properly.

*As I watched a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon… oh migawd, it’s the alpacalypse.

*When someone unexpected rings the doorbell the wife says “You answer it!  I don’t even have my bra on!”… and for that reason alone I’ve stopped wearing a bra.

*”Kyrgyzstan” is what happens when you’ve already named all the other countries and you have letters left over.

*Just a little heads up, fellas, but if you ask your wife how to spell “ménage a trois”… she’s gonna want to know why.

*Just ate one “suggested serving” of Oreos… so what if it was five times in a row. Twice.

*To all the ladies that are waiting for their prince on a white horse… the horse has come up lame and I’m walking, so I’ll be a little late.

*Here’s a picture of me having fun at work… yeah, I couldn’t picture that either.

*Just ate an order of chili-cheese fries… and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit. 

*I asked a first-grader what has four fingers and a thumb but isn’t alive… expecting her to get the riddle and respond “a glove”… first thing out of her mouth was “my aunt Lydia”.

*Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car stick your arm back there and wave it around a bunch… that’ll show ’em.





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May 14th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #621 (5-13-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Friday The 13th


               # What better day to have a closed city council meeting? Yep, we are having a closed executive session this evening to make important decisions… The fun never stops…

# Also today (Friday) and tomorrow is Cornerstone Church’s food pantry yard sale and food drive from 8am to 5 pm both days. So bring non-perishable foods to donate and buy someone’s unwanted stuff at a good price… all for a good cause at 185 West Cherry Street (across from and just west of the fairgrounds.

# Got this letter (along with half the town) postmarked from Sacramento (of course) with Friday the 13th info about the guy on the other side of the page. The envelope was addressed by a typewriter… who still has or uses a typewriter? It was a letter and a five page dissertation. The letter said, “Here is some information that may help you understand the behavior of Mike Ceremello. This is not my personal opinion (huh?) but merely answers questions aroused by my suspicion. Doesn’t it seem the symptoms fit perfectly with Mr. Ceremello’s behavior and coincidentally Donald Trump’s?”


Then I got five printed pages on narcissistic personality disorder (nothing about the mean, nasty, lying bitch disorder). The pages all said it is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence (sic) lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism”. I’m going to give the report to Mike and see just how fragile he really is (I’m guessing he’ll just say WTF and move on)… It goes on and on… I won’t.

I told Mike what was coming and he said “To the paraphrase Terrible Ted… to you and the letter writer… BITE ME!”

# Still waiting on complete information on the very successful Bids for Kids presence at the Dixon May Fair Junior Livestock Auction.  I know they spent about $11,000. The made plenty, spent plenty and have plenty left over for the Solano County Fair livestock auction… Since I don’t want to give incomplete details and have questions start popping up, I’ll wait until I have complete details next week.



               # Also besides all of the good things came the three main gripes we heard… There will always be gripes.

  1. “You pay hundreds or thousands for a kid’s animal and the fair gives you a cheap Junior Livestock hat with a tomato and corn on it… WTF?”
  2. “A little kid who could barely control an animal gets $30 a pound while the rest, including the grand champion get less than half that. Again many think no animal should be able to be sold at any price greater than the grand champion. If the ones wanting attention want to do more give a separate Ag Grant to the auctioneer or something to embellish the kid’s supposed hard work”.
  3. “Rain was great and cool; much better than 90 degrees. Parade was a long line of youth ball players, politicians and fairly (play on words) devoid of anything interesting or outstanding…”

California Ass. Pass Pee On Seat Law


          # The Ca. Ass-embly always afraid to rain on someone’s parade took the ridiculous gender bender controversy to its extreme now telling all women they must share restrooms with the guys just in case some man/woman/boy/girl/whatever wants to use the bathroom. So ladies make sure to thank you ass-embly persons when you have to put the lid down and clean the seat when you use the public restrooms from now on (just like home, (where most will now try to hold it until they get there) except for icky unknown fluids). Only North Carolina has the balls (so to speak) to stand up to this ridiculous new federal demon-cratic law. And great Americans like the oddball Bruce Spring-a-leakstien is now calling for a boycott of N. Carolina. N. Carolina is saying if you have an appendage us the appendage bath room, if not use the other one… Whatever it says on your birth certificate is what you are, like it or not… Ms. Bruce Jenner and Brucie Spring-a-leakstien. N. Carolina is being threatened with all of the power of the Obama folks with huge companies threatening to pull out and the federal government plans to withhold federal funds. The U.S. government is suing them and to N. Carolina’s credit they are counter suing the Obama cartel.


More Things For Thought


*When the wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner do not whistle “If I only had a brain” from the wizard of oz.

*People always judge public housing… but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem.

*My twenty-something son said to me “My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant”… I tried to soothe him by telling him it’s really not that bad.

*I overheard one woman telling another “It’s $150 an hour and she provides all the turtles”… whatever it is, I’m in!

*Once I participated in a “nice guys” 10k run… we all finished last.

*The store manager called all the department heads to the break room for a meeting.  I asked “Can I go first?” and she said “of course.”… so I got up and left.

*If Bernie Sanders win the presidency it will be the first time that a Jewish family has moved into public housing that was left vacant when a black family left it.

*I can remember back to the days when “three times in one night” didn’t refer to trips to the bathroom.

*I was stunned to hear that France has accepted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils”… or some such carp.

*Not to brag, but I don’t even need to wear camouflage to go unnoticed.

*All sex is casual sex… unless you put on a monocle and during orgasm shout “bravo, bravo, milady!”

*”Engagement” is a word that can mean either “planning to marry” or “initiating combat”… I feel this is not a coincidence.

*One of Jesus’ many accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

*The doctor asked me if I ever had pain after having sex… I told him “well, they usually don’t answer my calls and that kind of hurts”.

*Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up-and-down look followed by an “Oh, honey!”

*I pass gas when people hug me… it makes them feel strong.

*Every day that I miss my time running on the treadmill I add the 20 minutes to the next day… tomorrow I should be running until 2027.

*We all have our own personal faults… yours, though, are just a lot more fun to talk about.

*In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio “Let me shoot your loved ones” was probably not the best business decision.

*I think Tom Cruise does all his own stunts because he’s convinced death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

*I want to be the one to make you scream… but I’m afraid it’ll be in frustration.

*A little bit of historic trivia:  the only three us presidents that ever had to deal with impending impeachment, Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton all have names that are euphemisms for ‘penis’……..Johnson, dick and willie.

*Croutons and cherry tomatoes are the natural enemies of the plastic fork.

*Behind every eye patch is a story probably worth hearing.

*If a woman ever asks you if she looks fat it’s not enough to just say no… you must act very surprised by the question.  Jump backwards if necessary.

*If you’re wondering if most humans are idiots consider the duck hunter.  Expensive gun, camo everything, sitting in a cold duck blind… when the damn duck will walk right up to you if you have bread.

*Do cops tell bad guys to freeze in Alaska? Or is it just understood?

*Why do they call it “personal grooming”… as though we might get confused and groom a perfect stranger.

*The doctor told me if you don’t exercise there’s no point in dieting… I can’t wait to tell Linda the good news!

*I thought there was a spider in the middle of the floor but it was just some yarn… its really dead yarn now, though.


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May 6th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #619 (5-6-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 


Its On Now


            The 141st annual Dixon May Fair is on now and will end Sunday night. It’s a lot different than the first one if my memory serves me right. But there’s plenty to do, no tobacco spitting contest, horse pulling contests, horseshoe pitching, square dancing or hay rides but there’s plenty of other things to do, see and eat.

From the arts and crafts, to the flowers, to the livestock (and livestock auction Saturday morning) to the many vendors, food booths and commercial exhibits and sales you and the kids can make a day of it… at one of the last remaining small town agriculture based fairs. If you’ve never been, go. If you have been in the past go again because it’s like a community wide homecoming event where you’re likely to run into people you haven’t wanted to speak to in years… Just nod, say “hey” and carry on like you remember who they are. If for no other reason go for your annual fix of funnel cake, corn dogs and Kett’s rolled tacos. You can start with the parade Saturday morning at 10 and make a day of it. The prediction of unseasonably cool  70’s weather will be a pleasant change from the usual sweltering high 90’s.


Wow, Now Is The Time To Sell…


            The Dixon real estate market is really a funny thing… its either feast or famine. Right now it’s a seller’s market with qualified buyers standing by waiting for homes to come on the market… So if you’ve been thinking about selling do it now! With schools getting close to being out it really opens things up at the most active time of the year to buy and sell homes. Just make sure you know a realtor you can trust to do what’s best for you when selling and don’t buy a home without using a trusted realtor too. If you don’t know them find a way to check them out before you trust them with one of the biggest purchases or sales of your life. I’m (and Century 21 M&M) here to help and I’m easy to check out!


Short Shots…

            #Found it interesting that Bill Dodd, running for State Senate lists “former Dixon Mayor Joe Erickson” as one of his supporters?

# Saw on TV this week a study that shows coffee and tea are now good for you… Caffeine is good now…Caffeine not bad…this week. Wine is also now listed as good for you… so the winos were right all along huh?

# People in cities really don’t understand the luxuries of rural life… as in the Bid for Kids “Farm to Fork” mantra.  As a matter of fact a lot of local yuppie/millennials don’t realize the perks of living in an agriculture area. In the past couple of week we picked wild asparagus, and mustard leaves. We have same day local fresh milk, cheese and butter. We’ve caught and ate black bass, striped bass, crappie, wild turkey,  (seasonal) ducks and geese plus crayfish, fresh live crab and ocean fish we caught ourselves. We shot a couple hundred pounds of carp with our bow and arrows and gave them to families who were fishing and caught nothing. We just finished having pheasant, chukar, dove and wild pig that were harvested in the area plus venison and free range chickens… all of this within a short drive of our home or on/from our ranch… Still to come are wild blackberries, strawberries, oranges, tomatoes and lemons plus the stuff Linda plants because she like to grow stuff. It’s hard for some people to believe you can still live this kind of “not from a can or market” life style but it suits us well.


# Keeping business in Solano County… To get your dog licensed you have to send your money and paper work to Pet Data in Irving, Texas… WTF? We have to outsource dog licenses?


# Good to see the Dixon Bids for Kids back and better than ever. Kudo to the new folks who held a record setting bar-b-que fund raiser Wednesday evening for all of the youth exhibitors and their families. Over 300 take out pulled pork dinners were sold plus hundreds more by folks who ate there… a complete sell out. New B4K president, James Fuller, and his crew are to be congratulated. Those who quit supporting the group’s efforts in the past can now contribute and let them help try to create parity in the bidding process for animals at the Dixon May Fair livestock auction. They have a new logo (not the one shown here), and new everything really, none of which I have yet except a new hat. We’ve been involved off and on for over 20 years and glad to help out once again for a worthwhile cause.


More Things For Thought


*Thank you for calling AT&T (and/or Amazon).  My name is Akmed Osama Habib mufassil………..how may I misunderstand you and piss you off?

*Just saw two homeless guys beating each other up with pieces of cardboard… pillow fight!

*I couldn’t afford to take the kids to the Santa Cruz Aquarium… so I took them to the fish market and said “shhhh! They’re sleeping”.

*You know what the hardest part of dating a blind girl is… getting her husband’s voice right.

*Do you remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be president” was a good thing?

*Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything… in most locales you can get at least $10,000 for just one kidney.

*If you’re having second thoughts you’re two ahead of most people.

*In a survival situation you can drink your own urine… fortunately my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the jar.

*In a recent study the government gave equal doses of Viagra to both doctors and lawyers. The doctors seemed to report enhanced sexual prowess… the lawyers merely got taller. 

*Money doesn’t grow on trees… your move multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

*I’m anti-thesaurus… for lack of a better word.

*Before you tell me what I did wrong you should first realize I don’t give a carp.

*If you illegally download a movie when on vacation in Jamaica does that make you a pirate of the Caribbean?

*Do twins ever realize one of them was unplanned?

*Not too brag… but I have the high score on seven different blood pressure machines throughout town.

*I just made this annoying jabbering kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture at him… I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

*I’m not going to lie about it… I’m kinda looking forward to being a creepy old man.

*Can you imagine marrying someone and then finding out they’re the type that claps when the plane lands?

*Apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship “a way out” isn’t the right answer.

*90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

*Don’t waste time on crappy people… there, now I’m your life coach.

*In Kim Kadashian’s latest selfies posted in the media you can’t see her ass… cuz he’s downstairs watching the kids.

*I spend half my day wondering if it’s too late for coffee… and the other half of the day wondering if it’s too early for a beer.

*I no longer have as many Oscar wins as Leonardo DiCaprio.

*When you think about it zombies should be naked from the waist down… all the dehydration and rot would cause weight loss and their pants would fall down.

*I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad… and it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

*Is everything expensive… or am I just poor?

*Overheard a conversation in the break room:  “What’s your favorite position in bed?”… “Near the wall so I can use my phone while it’s charging”

Choking on water is the worst because how do you stop choking? Drink something?

*Those first two schmucks that thought Superman was a bird or a plane… why in hell were they so excited?



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April 22nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #617 (4-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Poem – Walk With Me While I Age…

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my printing it will be worth the effort.“Walk with me while I age”… worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older… Carp; I forgot the words.


Hang On To Your Nuts; Someone Wants To Grab Them!


      With the gazillion of acers of nuts we now have growing all around us there is going to have to be a new business pop up; “We’ll watch your nuts for you” or something like that. Why? Because nut thefts in California are skyrocketing and the nut owners are going nuts trying to stem the flow of the illegal nut thefts and sales; think I’m kidding?


High tech thieves are hacking into trucking companies and stealing their identities allowing them to highjack whole shipments of their high value cargo; mainly almonds, walnuts and pistachios valued anywhere from $150,000 to a half a million dollars a pop. Their nuts then take a sea voyage and end up in Europe or Asia where they bring top dollar… So no cost to buy the product, little risk and a huge amount of money for selling it sounds kind of nutty right? No actually it is a big lucrative business.

According to published sources last year in California alone there were 31 reported theft cases totaling $4.6 million with losses for the past four years totaling over $7.5 million.


California produces more of the three nut groups than any other state with a combined value of $9.3 billion in 2014 alone. Almonds themselves were valued at $5.9 billion by the USDA. Granted all of this is on the grand scale but local growers have their nuts clipped too each year at harvest time…


So it’s come down to this on the local level. If you want to hang on to your nuts you growers are going to have to have someone watch your nuts round the clock come harvest time. It’s no laughing matter really. Thefts from local orchards are a real problem too… and can be a real pain in the grower’s nut bags at harvest time… One quick and sure answer to stem local thefts is the old Oklahoma Lockwood shotgun trick, using rock salt filled shells, with a shot in the trespassing thief’s backside as they try to flee with their booty! You saw they had what appeared to be a weapon right? You’ll probably be sued (hey, your attorney can beat a public defender) but what the hell they won’t be able to sit down in court and word will get around not to mess with you or your nuts!



Want A Quick $5 grand?


Along the same “nutty stuff” lines is a local grower who just had nine trees cut down for no apparent reason other than just plain meanness. This is the second time this orchard has had this happen, last year they cut down seven trees. The recent vandalism last week off of Robben Rd. caused between $8 and $10,000 in damage and the grower is a whole lot less than happy… so much so he is offering a $5,000 reward for the arrest and conviction of the person/people responsible. So you want to pick up a quick, tax free $5 grand? You can do it anonymously through me or this paper if you wish. We won’t reveal the source and just pass the info over to the grower, the cops bust the bad guy, he goes to court and gets nailed and you get five big ones. Or just give me the name, refuse the reward and I’ll take the money as a community service if I have to.2016april22e


Food Trucks Tonight!


            Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win. First of all I didn’t know the city was a sponsor of the Sacramento food truck bunch coming to Dixon every fourth Friday (in the city’s Hall Park) from now through September… This came to the city via the Parks and Rec Commission… Vacaville had like 6,000 people last week at theirs and thousands were peeved at the city for lack of parking and up to an hour wait if they wanted to buy food.

I couldn’t initially see a downside to something like this… Cool, right here in Dixon right? Who would object and why would they? As usual every coin has two sides and boy did I hear from the other side. Here are the points a couple of people made:

  • Do all of these trucks have a Dixon business license?
  • 2. Who gets the sales tax; Dixon?
  • 3. Why is the city sponsoring and organization coming to town to take business and money away from local eateries?
  • 4. Will the Solano County health department check them while they are here?
  • 5. Will they be using local labor? 6. All of the money will be taken out of town, WTF? 7…On and on.

Sooo… Now being an elected official plus a journalist I need to get both sides of ALL issues and remember to ask if there’s a downside before voting for, or supporting, just about everything no matter how harmless is seems.


Ortho And Its Killer Products


Ortho…  According to published reports The giant garden poison maker and humongous chemical business now says it will stop using chemicals that are killing the world’s bees and threating the food supply for the nation… Pretty nice of them huh? According to published information the company said last week it will phase out neonicotinoids by 2021 in eight products used to control pests and plant diseases.

Is this a great company or what? They know what they are doing and act like they are doing the world a favor waiting to sell out all of their poison in the next five years before stopping its use… and your environmentally protective Democratic government? Nada; Demoncrats won’t screw with big contributors. You’ve heard of killer bees? Now you know who/what they really are!


The Sheer Night Gown


A Dixon guy named Bubba walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’ He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.


You Want More…?

*There are two sides to every divorce: yours and dipshit’s.

 *The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

*I live in my own little world, but it’s ok. Everyone knows me here.

*I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “guess” on it. I said, “Left tackle?”

*I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

*I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

*The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

*If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make bloody Marys.

*Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

*Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

*No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” When their team’s winning.

*Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always  complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

*Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*Marriage changes passion… Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

*Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

*Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

*Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

*I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

*Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

*Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

*Why is it that our children can’t read a bible in school, but they can in prison?




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April 8th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #615 (4-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Air Force One returning from Cuba



You In My District? I don’t Know!


          Don’t know if you have heard but the city of Dixon is going to stop “at large” city council elections and go to districts… Yep, you heard me right… we are going to have to start picking our council members by district in this coming November election. Why? Because some lame brained judge somewhere set a precedent and decided that anyone can sue any governmental body for not representing any segment of any community… and they’ll WIN. Cities that fought the change based on the fact that it just plain doesn’t make sense have lost… and lost big with taxpayers having to foot the bill for up to hundreds of thousands of dollars… This is California for you and its wrong, but thy will be done.

Tentative district lines have been drawn and three basic plans have made their way to the council. This November councilmembers Steve Bird and Jerry Castanon positions will be up for election and only those two and people that live in their districts can run or be elected to those two seats. The mayor’s chair is also up this November and will still be at large to be voted on by all those registered within the city limits.

This whole districting mess has to be done and submitted to the county by June 1st for the November election. My seat and Scott’s won’t be up or voted on until November, 2018.

So if the guy across the page in the paper (Mike Ceremello) wants to run for election they’ve given him the choice… Run for mayor or wait and see what district he’s in and he may have to wait until 2018 to run for a council seat… Right? Wrong? Fair? Stupid? Pick one. Dixon’s Hispanic community is spread evenly through the city so they won’t benefit from the districtsI’m really not sure who or if anyone does… but it will be the law of the land shortly so if you have any input you best be putting it in shortly or live with what the majority of the council says will be your voting future.


Merle’s Gone…A Great Loss.



The photo above is one of took of Merle, left, in June 2011  when he appeared in concert at the Dixon May Fairgrounds.

           Merle Haggard died Wednesday at the hard fought age of 79… on his birthday. Pretty cool to come and go one the same day huh? He is one of my favorite singers and was a resident of Shasta County where he had a ranch. It’s actually amazing he lived that long with friends like Willie Nelson and the various vices they shared.

On one of our trips to Oklahoma we actually went to Muskogee and I said to my good friend Larry Lockwood, “Merle Haggard made little Muskogee famous (with the song Okie from Muskogee) worldwide didn’t he?” Larry with his iconic Oklahoma way of talking said, and I’ll never forget this: “Yep, but that man’s face looks like it done wore out two bodies…” classic comment, and true… But what a rich baritone voice the man had… sorry to see him go… many of us in Dixon got to see him in Dixon twice in recent years when he and his band appeared in concert at the Dixon May fairgrounds and when he and his band backed up Trace Atkins when he appeared at the fair.


More Things For Thought…2015Xmas7

*When you’re dead you don’t know you’re dead. So it’s only difficult for others… it’s the same when you’re stupid.

*If you have a baguette and walk by another individual with a baguette you are allowed, although not obliged, to duel the individual for the custody of their baguette.

*Holmes:  “I say old bean, is that mud on your boots?”… Watson:  “no, sh**, Sherlock.”

*When someone says “your fly’s down” it implies two things:1) I have a fly, and 2) he’s having a bad day.

*If tomorrow women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies just imagine how many industries would go out of business.

*Sometimes the best form of birth control is just good lighting.

*People who sit and ponder whether the glass is half-empty or half-full miss the point… the damn glass is refillable!

*There’s nothing quite like the freedom of riding a motorcycle without a helmet.  The wind blowing thru your hair… and the warm pavement on your face.

*What idiot called them “twins” instead of “wombmates”?

*Not to boast but my son’s friend said “your dad looks hot!” when I was cleaning the pool… she followed that with “is that heatstroke?” but still.

*Drinking at home is so much better than at a bar. The number one reason is there is no last call… and I can be naked.

*”Landlord” is a pretty exaggerated title.

*I’m still laughing about the time my mother said God told her to put my father in a home… because he was hearing voices in his head.

*I’m back in the crap at home. Guys, let me tell you if the little woman tells you she needs windshield wiper blades… she does not mean for Christmas!

*We’re only approaching world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

*Acting school technique: To appear blind look in the direction of the person you are talking to but never directly at them… and if they say “did you see that?” say “nope!”

*If vampires really like the taste of blood they should floss more.

*At some point male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like benny hill.

*The guy that invented the Chapstick died today… unfortunately they misplaced his body when transferring it to the morgue.

*I have no interest in skydiving… I get enough of an adrenaline rush just hoping my debit card goes thru.

*I need a hug… e bottle of wine!

*I know people who deal with the fact there’s a very fine line between “I should post that on Facebook” or “I should talk to my therapist about that.”

*Don’t you just hate those mornings when you get up and glance in the mirror and say “that can’t be right”.

*The refrigerator is a great example of the old saying… “What really matters is on the inside”.

*What does it mean to come home to love, compassion, tenderness, understanding and great sex… you’re in the wrong house.”

*If I got a $1 for every time my wife told me I was a lot like “rain man” I’d have $279 dollars.

*Is it ok if I abbreviate Oklahoma?

*Accidentally drank an Ensure this morning… now I’ve driven 8 miles with my blinker on, the waist of my pants is at my chest and WTF is e-mail?

*I’m sensitive to gluten, dairy, peanuts, I bruise easily and I can’t stay out in the sun for long… but otherwise I’m a total badass.

*A grandfather clock is just like a regular clock except it wears sandals… even though it has disgusting toenails.



If you’re buy or selling a home or property or you know someone who is please think of me.


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April 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #614 (4-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Real April Fool


True Short Stuff


            Barbie turns 57… Speaking of short stuff, Mattel has bowed to public peer pressure and is coming out with short, bloated, tall and all kinds of new Barbies with seven skin tones, 22 eye colors and 24 hair styles. The 57 year old Barbie doll that every girl from 2 to 12 asks Santa for each year will now come with an overkill amount of choices. I can just see our Santa this year: “What do you want for Christmas this year little girl”? “A Barbie”. Santa: “White, brown, beige, dark brown, magenta…” Santa: You want her chunky, skinny, short or tall, blue eyes, green…?” Little girl: “Santa, I justs wanted a Barbie…”



       Hillary speaks… Not being a political animal I found this published report interesting. Seems like Hillary Clinton told a cheering crowd the “the endless flow of secret, unaccounted moneymust be stopped. Two weeks later the main super PAC backing her presidential bid for the Demos presidential nomination accepted a $1 million contribution that cannot be traced…Duh.



            Don’t you just love Adidas? Can you say hypocrisy? The multi zillion dollar sportswear company has offered to eliminate Native American mascots from high school across the country… even though no one has really demanded it be done. When I was in Oklahoma last year I kept asking around how they real actual American Indians felt about high school mascots… it was unanimous; the whole thing for the most part was a non-issue. I couldn’t find one Cherokee or any other Native American who cared… So Adidas in their own caring way will pay for any school that wants to make a change away from our actual proud native American heritage to something better… like the Vacaville Vacuum Cleaners or some other harmless name. This great company is worried about political correctness. Oh, wait a minute. Adidas has no problem with the biggest selling sports jersey ever, the Chicago Blackhawks hockey jersey, or Cleveland Indians or Atlanta Braves or Golden State Warriors, etc. Your governor signed into law a prohibition against Ca. schools using the name Redskins”. Way to protect the First Amendment and give taxpayers a choice Jerry.

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name: Reportedly Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping “Washington” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins.” It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.


Quote of the dayA Liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It’s called “Prison.”  Sheriff Joe Arpaio Maricopa County, Arizona


The Irish angler… When the Ketts from Dixon were recently in Ireland the rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. John Kett stopped and asked, “What are you doing?” “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, John says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.” In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the John couldn’t resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?” “You’re the eighth” says the old man.                           …An Irish blessing… May those who love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn’t turn their hearts may He turn their ankles so we will know them by their limping.



 The Rejected Tax Return”The IRS rejected a Dixon man’s tax return after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” The man wrote: “7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves politicians.” The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man’s response back to the IRS was…. “Who did I leave out?”



  Make Cell Phones $500 a month… Certainly I can’t be the only one fed up with the abuse and misuse of cell phones. From the addicted school kid to grandma in Wal-Mart yelling into her phone about personal stuff, it is all just so ridiculous don’t you think? How can you curb it or stop it? You can’t and won’t as long as there’s a buck to be made. You see little kids being baby sat by them, every driver talking or texting (when many barely have the skills needed to negotiate today’s hazardous highways) talking, talking, talking… texting, texting, texting… addicted, addicted, addicted… it is a real and serious problem that everyone seem to be taking as a current fact of life. In restaurants, in public restrooms, cars, buses, planes, subways, highways, byways and skyways people loudly discussing personal business and doing business, in public, over their phones (a hacker’s delight by the way). When we were in Australia a few years back a couple of lovely young ladies were outside a business place speaking discreetly on their phones. I forget why we asked them about it but we’ll never forget their answer… She said, “It’s considered bad manners to use your phone where others have to overhear your conservation. We believe private conservations are meant to be private…” Don’t know if it’s still that way there but what a great social set of manners we should somehow find a way to adopt.


More Things For Thought



*Humpty-dumpty had a great fall… but his summer was just ok.

*I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it handcuffed me to a chair and forbid me to leave the motel room.

*I suffer from premature procrastination… I think up reasons not to do things even before being given things to do.

*I don’t expect everything to be handed to me… just set it down wherever.

*If I were a vampire I’d go after old people because they’re slow… and they probably taste like beef jerky (and that stuff’s delicious).

*The only thing a ‘strong password’ is going to do is lock me out of my own computer… 1234 it is!

*Whenever I find myself getting annoyed at the homeless begging for money… I remember that I don’t like paying for my own drinks either. 

*I was in the check-out line at Safeway tonight behind an elegantly dressed woman in a black sheath and dripping in jewelry buying tequila and a can of motor oil… love to know that story.

*Forest Whitaker’s left eye has more self-control than I do.

*I would suppose that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period.

*The wife asked what I thought of her new outfit and I mistakenly used the word “slimming”… how I explain my plight to the other homeless people.

*Our new shower head has two settings… ‘Gentle rain’ and ‘needles of death’.

*I’m in a good place right now.  Not emotionally… I’m at the liquor store.

*Did you know that “forever” just really means “until I don’t feel like it anymore”?

*Today is Thursday… or as I like to call it “day four of the hostage situation”.

*That awkward moment when you realize that “the sound of nature” is the sound of millions of animals, birds and insects desperately trying to get laid.

*Common sense is a flower that just doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

*If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine then I must be the healthiest person on the planet.

*I failed my geology final. I was asked to name the three types of rock… apparently classic, punk and hard were the wrong choices.

*There are an unbelievable amount of just outright scams on the internet … send me $19.95 and I’ll tell you about them.

*NASA’s entire exploratory mission to Pluto costs less than Minnesota’s new stadium… and Pluto is home to as many super bowl championships as the Vikings.

*I don’t watch soccer… if I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score I go to a bar.

*Remember when all bombs looked like a big, black bowling ball with a fuse in the top… times were much simpler then.

*If you nap a lot you significantly increase your chances of dying peacefully in your sleep.

*Wait. What? You need two people for sex? …. what does the other one do?

*My Saturday was going pretty well… until I realized it was Sunday.

*I got pulled over by a female cop.  When I rolled my window down and asked what was wrong… she said, “Nothing.”

*An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, or fruit… or an entire burrito.

*Today I’m wearing a tee-shirt that says “life” on the front… and handing out lemons on the street corner.

*You let your son take ballet lessons?  Aren’t you afraid he’ll grow up to be… fit, and healthy and surrounded by women?



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