Posted under That's Life Columns
Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com
“Unrestrained knowledge if allowed to run amuck is a dangerous thing to any group with total control complex”…Ted Hickman
Just Back From Denali/Alaska
My question is: “How did the publisher get the I.V. delivered to me on a cruise ship”? How about that glacier and blue ice?
We were gone for about 12 days and just got back home early Monday night. We spent a couple of days in the Denali National Park and then a seven day cruise to Vancouver to celebrate 50 years of lucky Linda’s marriage to me.
We brought the nastiest virus we’ve ever had home with us. Linda coughed and slept for almost 40 straight hours and I coughed continually for over 35 hours with no sleep…Trust me you don’t want this bug. At the candidate’s night on Wednesday I only shook hands with those I didn’t like.
Anyway I will be doing a feature on the trip shortly. This is a trip everyone should do at least once… Alaska is just simply amazing. This was our second time there. The mountains and the whole state are just BIG. We went into the park by an eight hour train ride and came out on a 10 hour bus ride so we got to see a lot before we ever got to the ship. Didn’t see one trooper in our whole trip.
For Heaven’s Sake
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life. The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. “I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.” “Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. “On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. “I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a ninth floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you.”
“I don’t know,” replied the man, “Picture this, I’m stark naked hiding’ in this cedar chest…
Some More Things For Thought
Since wine is made from grapes it’s technically accurate to say I do a “fruit juice cleanse” several times a week.
Having an alcoholic blackout is just god’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Two heads aren’t better than one if they’re both stupid.
Telling someone suffering from depression “just get over it” or “cheer up” is like telling a blind person “just look harder”.
Ever noticed how the nightly news always begins with “good evening”… and then they proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Somebody Cadbury-cream egged our house last night…. I’d be pissed but I’m too busy licking it off the bricks.
Irony… the opposite of wrinkly?
What’s the quickest way to get a girl to drop your pants?… startle her while she’s folding your laundry.
This morning’s meeting on improving communication was cancelled because not everyone knew about it… you just can’t make this crap up.
Some fairy tales begin with “once upon a time”… others with “if I am elected… “
I wonder what blind couples say when their breaking up… “I think we should start touching other people”?
I’m glad McDonalds doesn’t sell hot dogs… I don’t think I could order a McWiener with a straight face.
Wanted… call center workers with very poor English, weak communication skills and short tempers. Bonus paid for low IQ.
New from Mattel: Forever alone Barbie… comes with 20 cats and hoarding skills. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
A good friend told me he can’t watch porn with a story line… he gets too involved and worries about the delivery driver getting fired for taking too long.
Growing up my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be… turns out the police label this “identity theft”.
Taco bell sells tacos. Popeye’s chicken sells chicken. In’n Out burger sells burgers. Panda express lies.
What was the best part of the movie Monument Men… well, it was probably when the annoying man behind us went to get popcorn and fell all the way down the aisle.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the “invisible finger”.
Bin Laden’s last words… “You’re not the pizza guy!”
Our neighbors an interesting fellow. He travels a lot for work and he’s had five vasectomies… his wife still keeps getting pregnant.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that a “chiropractor” is not a real dinosaur.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularinistic wordicisms.
A billion dollar idea… methamphetamine with fluoride.
“Asian gangs”… a new way to refer to study groups.
A friend’s wife just gave him a box of 36 condoms. He laughed and said “a lifetime supply!”… she laughed and said “you’re being optimistic.”
A man stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me to show him how to get to the hospital… so I pushed him under a bus.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have four more legs?
I thought I’d joined a street protest. Suddenly a shot rang out, panic ensued and everyone started running… three hours and one gold medal later I realized it was a marathon.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?