August 29th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #530 (8-29-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #530 (8-29-14)*

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to


With A Stronger earthquake Here, What Happens?


               One of my terms on the city council was during the Coalinga earthquake I think and I questioned what would happen, in a like situation, to our high school and the whole brick and mortar downtown areas. A half assed study was ordered and the results said basically the whole un-re-enforced downtown and the high school would collapse into a heap. I said, “We need to get his fixed and people need to know about it.” I was told to retro-fit would be too expensive but the high school complex was later closed because of this. The unreinforced downtown area, as far as I know, will still fold like a deck of cards if we take a strong or direct hit. There are faults between here and Vacaville and here and Winters. Needs to be looked into don’t you think…or a sign put up…  “Visit the downtown area at your own risk”? What’s your city council done?

My first wife Linda happened to be up during the early Sunday shaker and said all of the wind chimes chimed, the fish bowl rocked, and the hanging stuff all over the house swayed. I slept. Both sons 10 miles from town in both the east and west directions felt it. Our rescue dog was un-characteristically restless and wouldn’t sit, laydown, or do anything but pace and go up and down the furniture and kind of whine from like 11 p.m. until about 2 and beyond I guess.  She was restless to the point where I even told Linda I wondered if an earthquake was coming… interesting huh?



 My city council candidacy of last resort turns another odd turn when the ballot came out with my name in the number one position and we had lunch at Asian gardens. After a reasonable and tasty meal I got a fortune that read, “You will take a chance in the future, and win…” Don’t that beat all?




            Speaking of Asian Gardens, we took my 90 year-old mother-in-law to the Buckhorn to have one of Tommy’s famous Lamb burgers. She never liked lamb, like us, but tried it like we did and found it to be delicious. If you’ve never had his cooking ignore the lack of ambience and go to the Buckhorn for lunch… The guy is a trained chef and even his simple meals are a gourmet treat. The beer joint appears to be the last place to find a great cook and a good meal can be had but it is…He also caters and I’ve never heard a complaint about his food from any of his catered affairs.

           2014buds - Copy 2014buckhorn - Copy

Speaking of lamb, Bud’s downtown serves not only great lamb (like Tommy’s it doesn’t taste like lamb) but a mean chili burger. I’m not writing this for locals, they all know this about Bud’s and Tommy. I’m putting this out there for all of you in the bedroom community who never get to these places. Do yourself a favor and try any of the three…If you don’t think its great let me know. There’s some great fresh food locally with meats right from the slaughterhouse. You owe it to yourself to try some…trust me.



Saw A Roadrunner…

 2014 roadrunner - Copy

            We were deer/pig hunting early Monday morning just outside of Williams about an hour from home on a 9,000 acre ranch. Saw a bunch of pigs (on property we couldn’t hunt of course), squirrels, a coyote and some dove. Not a deer so Linda’s tag goes unfilled for another year I guess. The cool highlight of the morning was a road runner popping out in front of us on a dirt road and then scampering down the road a bit and then off into a field. I knew there were some near Indian Valley reservoir and had seen a couple there years ago but this one was a surprise… Seriously first we saw a coyote and then the roadrunner…No, nothing from Acme; no beep-beep either.


  • The roadrunner is uniquely suited to a desert environment by a number of physiological and behavioral adaptations:
  • Its carnivorous habits offer it a large supply of very moist food. It reabsorbs water from its feces before excretion. Rattlesnakes Are part of its diet. Because of its lightening quickness, the roadrunner is one of the few animals that preys upon rattlesnakes. Using its wings like a matador’s cape, it snaps up a coiled rattlesnake by the tail, cracks it like a whip and repeatedly slams its head against the ground till dead.
  • A nasal gland eliminates excess salt, instead of using the urinary tract like most birds.
  • It reduces its activity 50% during the heat of midday.
    Its extreme quickness allows it to snatch a humming bird or dragonfly from midair.


Kaiser Caught…

 2014 dentist - Copy

            …Kaiser Permanente has been caught in a misdeed of their own doing. My wife first Linda received a letter in the mail saying it was time for her annual dental check-up. She, like many many others, pays $20 a month on the senior advantage plan for dental insurance of sorts. So she goes to this dentist in Vacaville that was on the Kaiser approved list. They took X-rays, didn’t even look in her mouth, didn’t have her teeth cleaned and gave her a “proposed treatment plan” in the amount of $4,057.00. Perplexed she came out to the car and told me about it and said they wanted a $10 co-pay on top of the insult. I told her to tell them to stick their co-pay where the sun don’t shine…I don’t think she did that. But she didn’t pay the co-pay.

We get home and she’s telling her 90 year old mother about it and her mom said that’s why she hasn’t had her teeth cleaned or any dental work done that she needed for a couple of years. Another office on the approved on the same Alamo Dr. gave her a proposed bill for over $7,000. She said she was afraid to go back and did nothing.

I had them both go to my friend Dr. Jim Sanderson who looked at the reports and said, “Everything they have in the reports COULD be done…does it all have to be done now?  No, I don’t think so.” He was our family dentist and still is for most of the family but when we had to drop Dental Dental and go with Kaiser he wasn’t on their approved list.

My concern is for all of the seniors out there on Medi-care who have Kaiser and have been forced to pay these folks thinking that Kaiser stands behind this and this work must be done.

I asked Kaiser for someone to make a statement about this and hit a stone wall saying it’s not really part of Kaiser’s Insurance plan but they just offer it as a kind of service. B.S. They charge the seniors $20 a month for this “service” and then they still have to pay a “co-pay”.

My advice is to save your $240 year and go to your local dentist and tell them you are on a limited budget and see what you can work out… but whatever you do don’t neglect your dental health because it can affect your overall health as well. You can also call Kaiser and tell them where to stick their dental plan. Oh, and on the proposed work sheet it shows Kaiser paying nothing towards treatment.

2014 screwed - Copy



More Food For Thought

 2014 Smikley - Copy

Saying touché makes you sound like a douche.

I just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth… probably explains why he’s homeless.

My wife treats me like a God… when things are going to crap she needs me and then when things are going well she forgets about me.  

I can sing like Frank Sinatra and have the brains of Einstein… I think that’s why the girls call me Frankenstein.

You know the meeting HR held to improve employee morale has gone completely to hell when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

Would someone please help me with my “pope resume”… so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats”.

I exercise by jogging up the street going to every door and knocking and then moving on… I call it “Jehovah’s fitness”.

In all accuracy “The Never Ending Story” should have been a movie about a phone call from my mother.

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away… seems a bit farfetched too me.

Whoever said “there’s nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

I have a great deal of respect for strippers… it’s hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.

My 10-year old grandson just told me that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now… I think I need a drink.

Children’s alphabet books are the only thing preventing us from completely forgetting what a xylophone is.

Watching my mother-in-law ordering at Starbuck’s is like watching a drunk gorilla trying to start a car with a French fry.

Location is truly important.  If you’re at the grocery store rapping your knuckles on the melons searching for a good one is acceptable… at a strip club? Not so much.

Plumbing is a respectable job and pays well… the worst part is getting up at the butt-crack of dawn.

The one thing I learned from watching the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.

The human male body is approximately 60-65% water… so I’m not fat, just well hydrated.

Doe, a deer, a female deer… Ray, a hunter with a gun…

I hate it when I’m mentally undressing a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.

If you don’t believe in providing condoms to high school students just take away their toothbrush and deodorant… that should cut down on teen pregnancy.

Consumer Reports has published a list of things one shouldn’t buy used such as children’s car seats, plasma TV’s and vacuum cleaners… I’m surprised the top two on the list aren’t toilet paper and condoms.

We were watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra perform and halfway thru the guy on the triangle disappeared.

I took the grandkids to the waterpark and when a summer storm hit and it started to rain they began to cry ‘cuz they were getting wet… this is why I drink.

There’s a billboard advertising “Complete cremation $785.25″… this begs two questions. 1) is there incomplete cremation and 2) what’s the 25 cents for?

Birth control decisions should be a private matter between a woman, a large corporation and/or federal, state and local officials.

I found myself walking behind a guy with a tattoo on the back of his head that read… “If you can read this the Rogaine isn’t working”.

Sometimes I wish I had a butt so firm it could crack walnuts… but then I think how often do I eat walnuts?

Early mornings are great for spending time with family… and then they screw it up by waking up.

Historians studying religious mores of the middle ages have found documents recognizing farting as the eighth deadly sin. However seven was deemed to be a more auspicious number so the decision was made to cut one.  



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August 29th 2014
Have You Had Enough Yet?

Posted under That's Life Columns

wwwwmikeMike Ceremello


I have considered all of the alternatives in the council race for this year.  I have come to the conclusion that Ted Hickman is the best candidate despite my prior objections.


Ted doesn’t steal candidate’s political signs although someone took his down at the corner of A and Pitt School.  Ted has principles, right or wrong in my eyes, from which he won’t back down.  However, Ted’s biggest positive is he won’t stand for Jack Batchelor’s flim flam, Casteñon’s sound bytes, or Steve Bird’s verbal bullying.  This will be worth the price of admission alone, if you had to pay that is to watch the coming debacles.


Thom Bogue and Dane Besneatte have gone along with the others’ poor arguments and the mayor’s cajoling.  Scott Pedersen has shown nothing as a treasurer, not even treasurer reports on the balance of funds in various accounts, and Devon Minnema has turned into a paid shill for an out of town developer, at least according to the rumors which I will confirm or rebut if he declares all of his donors on his first scheduled report.


I have mused about Devon’s transgression and really don’t find it all that egregious.  If Devon is a true libertarian, he believes in property rights.  However, if this is true, Devon must also be against zoning because it limits what you can do with the property you own.  Dixon isn’t Houston.  I have not heard Devon call for eliminating zoning.  As a matter of fact, I haven’t heard Devon call for anything benefitting all residents of Dixon.


We have just finished experiencing what voting for union endorsed jerks and big monied campaigns gets you.  I am sure you are all happy with the Jack Hole, doubled water rates, doubled sewer rates, ignored sound ordinances, a wastewater solution which solves nothing and a council which blindly supports “trusting staff”.  I am not one of you in that case.

 Copy of 10a

Let’s start with the lie of the Jack Hole.  Batchelor touted its beneficence during his council comments.  He spoke of meeting the vice mayor’s family in the well lit tunnel.  What he failed to mention are its shut down due to the steps not being ADA compliant, the graffiti on the hand rails, and the graffiti five members of staff were seen removing less than 8 hours after his tour.  In addition, the city is paying an additional $19,000 for additional call buttons and video cameras.  If it is all that safe and well lit, why are they needed?


Shortly after this we had a public hearing on an “urgency ordinance” to force citizens to reduce their consumption of water during this drought.  The only problem is the legality of using an urgency ordinance to bypass the normal lengthy time of passage.  According to section 65858 of the government code, you can’t do what the city council did as urgency ordinances can only be used in “prohibiting any uses that may be in conflict with contemplated general plan, specific plan, or zoning proposal”.  Restricting your use of water has nothing to do with anything related to these.


In addition, that code section also states that there is a forty five day effective period initially followed by two alternatives.  It can be renewed for 10 months and 15 days, followed by another renewal for a year or a renewal of 22 months and 15 days.  The council chose to follow the State Water Board’s prohibition period of 270 days.  This is illegal.  Legality takes a back seat to listening to and “trusting staff” for this council.


Another section of the same code calls for “the legislative body shall not adopt or extend any interim ordinance pursuant to this section unless the ordinance contains legislative findings that there is a current and immediate threat to the public health, safety, or welfare, and that the approval of additional subdivisions, use permits, variances, building permits, or any other applicable entitlement for use which is required in order to comply with a zoning ordinance would result in that threat to public health, safety, or welfare.


I must have been sleeping because I don’t believe you need a “use permit” to turn on your home’s water system and none of this applies to currently built and occupied residences.  I checked the proposed ordinance’s language and the legislative findings did not delineate any specific “current or immediate” threat, just vague references to the State’s ability to manage water in a drought circumstance.


This is not my only complaint about how this ordinance came to be accepted by the dunderheads vacantly occupying prime property on the dais.  Jack predisposes the remainder of the council to accepting kowtowing to the State by saying “I know there has been reluctance in the past” to passing urgency ordinances.  There should have been this time too.


From the city’s own slides the results of two rate increases of 100% and 10% were shown in a decrease in water consumption of 26% for two periods at the beginning of this year and an 8% drop in the summer months.  This ordinance was not needed because the citizens of Dixon have already achieved what the State is demanding.  But wait.  There is more.


There is now a daily infraction penalty of $500 per day when you irrigate your landscape and the water runs off onto the sidewalk or neighboring property.  While Jack initially said he didn’t want the penalty in the ordinance, when Dane questioned whether it could be pulled out, Jack said nothing as city attorney Doug White stated it couldn’t.  So now when my neighbor, ex-city manager Warren Salmons, automatically waters his lawn and due to the slope there is runoff, I will be calling the code enforcement officer to have him cited.  Better not water more than twice a week either, because that is also in the ordinance.


My question of random enforcement, emphasized by a quote from the late Frank Zappa, “America is a nation of laws, poorly written and randomly enforced”, was answered by the hesitancy of the council to have penalties and their admission of not having enough “water police” to do the job.  If you are a member of the political opposition to those currently in power, I can guarantee you a citation.  If you are one of the “beautiful people”, former staff, a supporter or all of the above, you will be ignored.


As Dane made the comment that I was arguing with myself and Thom told me he couldn’t understand my points, the same ones I have made here, I thought I would put them down in writing so both of them can contemplate and understand the illegality and non-necessity of what they approved.  My bet is neither of them will understand this as Dane proved he doesn’t read material supplied while questioning the time period for displaying candidate signs and Thom doesn’t care what the code is any more than he cared to understand the Williamson Act while meeting with farmers.


In case you want to know why Jack really was pushing to have this done, all you have to do is look at page 4 of 5 in the staff report.  Jack denied this existed by shaking his head “no” as he often does when I expose him for his venality.  “Though the city of Dixon is not considered an urban water supplier, the city anticipates preparation of a water conservation plan in the near future as a conditional requirement to obtain Clean Water State Revolving Fund (SRF) loan funds for the wastewater treatment facility improvements project … Discussion with the SRF staff has indicated that disbursement of construction funds will be contingent on the submittal of a water conservation plan.


In other words, if you refuse to go along with the State forcing further conservation on your citizens, we won’t give you the funds to build your worthless, do nothing, project even though we have agreed to it.  If Dixon had claimed, and rightly so, that we have already conserved over 20% and no more is needed, we would not get the loan.  Spin it any way you want Jack but the facts are the facts.


I find it truly amazing that the State waits two months after the end of the rainy season and more than six months after it was a foregone conclusion that California was in a drought to come up with this regulation.  Another two months and we will be back into the rain season.  You want to force people to cut back?  Simply raise rates again.  That is the only water conservation plan you need.


Speaking of idiocy, we also see “government being made a joke” by the actions of the Solano County Board of Supervisors.  It seems that they want to declare a “state of emergency” for the whole county as a result of the recent Napa earthquake which caused “minor damage” to county facilities with county officials being “advised” that more than 70 buildings within the city of Vallejo having substantial damage.  Any time these rats smell “free cheese”, they rush to get to the head of the line for federal funds.


There is a reason for any local or county agency to maintain “reserves” and that reason isn’t to balance a deficit budget.  You use reserves for unexpected circumstances.  It is not the responsibility of county government to cover private property losses or involve themselves in city issues.  Linda Seifert needs to head to Napa to understand what real damage is.  You don’t go to the hospital because you have a painful hangnail, you go if you need your appendix removed.


What ever happened to self reliability?  What about personal responsibility in having insurance?  I suppose if Vallejo burnt to the ground and the majority of property owners had no fire insurance, that it is the responsibility of the Federal government to come in and make everyone whole?  We have elected lunatics and the lunatics just got a 10% raise in salary.


The system is rotten from the base on up.  We have a council who can’t say no, don’t know how to say no, and don’t know why to say no.  All of these officials believe that restricting the rights of citizens and forcing us to act in certain ways is necessary because we can’t think for ourselves.


Maybe the time has come for the Ted and Mike show.  We certainly will never see change without it …



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August 22nd 2014
That’s Life©1966 #529 (8-22-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to


*I’m beginning to think that adult supervision is a myth… if anything my eyes seem to be getting worse.



City of Dixon – 2014 Candidates’ Ballot Order

Ted and Obama 2014

Looks like I lied again, I’m getting better at it. I told everyone I would be the vote for: “none of the above” candidate on the November ballot and for the first time the California Secretary of State pulls my name out to be the first one on the official ballot. Now when you vote for me it is vote for: “none of the below.” It was an honest lie really, who knew? Listed below are all the players, contact them at your own risk. Before the absentee ballots start to be returned I will let you know your options. The other candidates can do the same I guess but what can they say. The incumbents can say nothing that can help them and the others can only spew rehashed babble.


Office: Name: Contact Information:

City Council Hickman, Ted

City Council Pederson, Scott

City Council Bogue, Thom

City Council Besneatte, Dane

City Council Ceremello, Michael

City Council Minnema,


The Tick Bite That Can Make You A Vegan?


2014 tick

I joke around a lot but this is as serious as a train wreck. A story published on line and in many newspapers from the Associated Press tells about doctors across the county seeing a surge in meat allergies in people bitten by a certain kind of tick.

This strange problem only came to light a couple of years ago but is growing as these ticks spread across the US from the Southwest and the East.

Not the least bit (pardon the play on words) funny, people eating a hamburger or steak have landed in the hospital with a severe allergic reaction to meat.  Doctors and even allergists have been slow to recognize the problem because who would think people who have been eating meat their whole lives just somehow become allergic to it.

The nasty little critter responsible is called the Lone Star tick named of course for Texas. The bug apparently has a sugar in its system human don’t have called alpha-gal. This sugar is also found in beef, venison, pork, rabbits and even in some dairy products. A tick bite from these critters, and the sharing of its sugar, apparently triggers an immune system response and the body makes antibodies to fight it. This prepares the body for an allergic reaction the next time the person eats any meats with that sugar.

The symptoms range from severe swelling of the tongue and lips to hives and itching. I could found no cases on record of this on the west coast… yet.The tick vector in California has not been identified…but with a lot of our folks hunting and traveling all over the US I figured a warning about this would be in order…. Get bit by the right tick and become a Vegan…Gads, what’s next?The solution… don’t get bit… but if you are in tick country check you and yours carefully. If you find one just pull it off ASAP… That’s it. There is no magic bullet. See: Red meat allergies likely result of lone star tick – Science…/…


What Is A Credit Score…What Does It Do?


blabby blond moving


Everyone over a certain age knows what a credit score is… or do they? If they do know does anyone outside of the banking industry know HOW a credit score is really calculated or why?

According to a recent story in our California Association of Realtors magazine reported more than 55 per cent of people in a recent survey didn’t understand a credit score actually measures the risk of not repaying a loan and is not a measure of credit attitudes or knowledge.

The “Millennials” generation only has a vague idea of how their credit scores are calculated. Half  demonstrated at least a partial understanding of the three instances when lenders are required to inform borrowers of the credit score used in the lending decision: After a mortgage application, whenever a loan application has be rejected or whenever the best terms aren’t available to the borrower. So there…now you know.



 More Things To Think About…


I’m a failure as a sociopath.  I’m just not very good at manipulating or taking advantage of people… I’m more of a so-so path.

The boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room today… so I guess we’ve had our Labor Day party.

“You see those footprints?  It looks like our killer had feet!”… If you were wondering why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

*I’m beginning to think that adult supervision is a myth… if anything my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Just a tip: When your being drug tested and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup… that means pee… Always.

They say love is worth more than money… but I’m pretty sure my landlord is going to want more than a hug.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the bible… a single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

A self-checkout line at Wal-Mart with no mirrors… what a joke.

So some scientist someday might make a pill that will make us immortal… I’d probably choke to death trying to swallow it.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave… you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.

Santa can’t be white… no white man can pull off head-to-toe red velvet with such style and panache.

As a white person I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare’s hamlet didn’t turn out to be the story of a delicious little ham.

Black ice is just like regular ice… except it’s a better dancer.

When asked my opinion on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black”… I no longer have to help with homework.

I’m pretty sure no one would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

When the wife sends me to the grocery store with a very specific list of items I am not allowed to improvise… that was made very clear to me when I got home.

I’m just like King Midas… except everything I touch complains to human resources.

The wife just told me to go to hell, so… anyone else need anything from Wal-Mart?

The travel toothbrush has to rate up there as one of the great inventions… can you imagine toting around one of the regular heavy ones?

Why is it fine when Santa does it but when I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “Sir, you’re under arrest.”?

 You know the trouble with rich people? I’m not one of them.

Satan was all alone with Eve, naked, at the forbidden tree and all he did was convince her to eat some fruit… what a loser!

I’m getting really irritated!  This is the ninth or 10th ATM I’ve been to this week that had “insufficient funds”.

Every morning I wake up really pissed at my parents because I have to go to work… instead of living off a trust fund.

I don’t know the full history of us and Canadian relations… but somehow we have joint custody of the geese.

I’m in trouble again.  The wife asked me to take out the trash… I said I didn’t realize her sister needed a ride home.

 Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone… Who hates all of your friends?

 I get the whole deal about “Three meals a day,” what confuses me is how many at night!

My life is about as organized as the $1 DVD bin at Walmart.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging path, just know I was murdered elsewhere and the carcass dumped there.

The most popular automotive brands are German, Japanese and Italian.  It’s like losing WWII was a prerequisite for making good cars!

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have us put wine in barrels.



From The Email Bag; “It Didn’t Do A Thing…”

2014 gun

Ted: Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my 30.06 deer rifle right in the doorway.  I left six shells beside it, then left it alone and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign near the front of our house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it.  It hadn’t moved itself outside. It certainly hadn’t killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so.

In fact, it hadn’t even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people.

Either the media is wrong or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

Well, I’m off to check on my spoons.  I hear they’re making people fat.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.  But if you take out Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, and New Orleans, the United States is 4th from the bottom for murders.  These four cities also have the toughest gun control laws in the United States.  ALL four are controlled by Democrats.

It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data – right? LH/ Fairfield




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August 15th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #528 (8-15-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to

Ted and Obama 20142014 mushrooms


Top 15 Ways To Lose An Election

  1. Hitch your wagon to a falling star.
  2. Always tell the truth.
  3. Admit you don’t know everything about everything.
  4. Piss Off Democrats with a picture of you with their president and favor capital punishment.
  5. Piss Off Republicans telling them you are against abortion but in favor of a woman’s right to choose.
  6. Don’t take “gifts” from unions.Don’t take bribes (contributions) from anyone.
  7. Don’t ask for endorsements or have Mike Ceremello come out for you.
  8. Don’t spend gobs of money for slick campaign flyers made to fool the public…
  9. Don’t have the name and “bite me” attitude of Ted Hickman.
  10. Follow your own agenda. Mine is: If it’s not broke don’t fix it. If it is broke get the thing fixed right ASAP.
  11.  Insist if a government department head has to hire a consultant to do his job fire him/her and hire the consultant.
  12. Make sure city employees know you won’t bend over backwards and give them everything they ask for (like just happened)…it worked last time. They gave opponents $1,000 each and shied away from me because I couldn’t be counted on to always be on their side…The same as the Solano County Board of Realtors.
  13. Let everyone know you DON’T have all (or maybe any) of the answers.
  14. Don’t go out kissing babies (and butts) or attend all of the necessary public functions.

Anyone who follows these criteria is pretty much guaranteed NOT to win an election.



Everyone has an agenda…Not me, I don’t need one. I don’t have to watch what I say or do. Mike Ceremello and the rest have all of the answers. Mike has never been wrong about anything. Just ask him. I’m not going to waste any of my valuable column space in the future in a battle of wits with him. It wouldn’t be fair since he’s only half armed.

He can mean spirited and vindictive so much so if you look in the dictionary under “mean or vindictive” you may see his picture. His crap bothers a lot of people but not me. He can make up all the garbage he wants and whine and cry because he’ll never be what I was (or am) and that’s on him. I know what I’m doing and why and I won’t short change our readers or voters in the long run. He let them down when he gave up the city council seat they gave him to let his ego write checks his persona couldn’t cash and lost the mayor’s election… and has spent two years assailing the victor. I advised him not to run because at the time I told him he couldn’t beat the present mayor. Just like I advised councilman Thom Bogue not to run against incumbent supervisor John Vasquez; same thing. Egos are a funny thing.

He has spent about every week since he lost the mayor’s race berating the mayor and council saying his way is the only way…With Mike it’s “My way or the highway”. Forget that most of the time he does his homework and is usually right or at least partially right. Since I hurt his feelings he will be lashing out at me on a regular basis and I hope he succeeds in turning voters against me… My just being in the race WILL have a direct effect on the outcome of the election. I plan to endorse two candidates in the mix… I just won’t say who until it matters. The number of supporters I have will probably help decide the election, not the big bucks or the unions.

Leave it to  Mike to take credit for everything from the parting of the Red Sea to having twice the intelligence of any other living human… he seems to be happy in his self-imposed misery… so I’ll leave him alone. He either forgot, or never knew, nothing he has done is new… I set the course for the odd man out on the council years before he ever blessed this town with his presence… he even claims Mohammad Ali stole that famous saying from him…”I am the greatest…” And many agree…but the greatest what is the question.

Listen to Mike, remember he always knows best… if you doubt it just ask him. The last time we got into a written war, and push came to shove, he had to eat it when I demanded we list all of our past accomplishments, awards and accolades and what unselfish things we have done for others from total life experience…Mine totaled over 50 and his was hovering about 0… so if he wants to go around again I’m game, but he has nothing to gain by this and I really don’t care. The last time we got into a pissing match he came out on the short end of the stick. Our current disagreement came about when he tried to discredit the girl from Dixon holding one of the Miss America titles.

Every elected group needs at least one Mike to ask questions and make people think…two would even be better. I can see it now with him and the kid driving the cartel nuts. Frankly I’d like to see him back on the council and the two incumbents I endorsed at their last election put out to pasture for their backing of all that is wrong with this city at the present time…


Robin Williams Gone To Soon…

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As many people know Robin Williams lived and died only about an hour from here. He went to school and worked out of the Bay Area. I was a fan. Although I rarely watch a movie more than once, Good Morning Viet Nam and the Birdcage were exceptions.

Look at the other great losses to the comedy world of his generation; John Belushi, San Kinison, John Candy, Harold Ramos, Gilda Radner, Richard Pryor, Johnathan Winters, George Carlin, John Ritter, Flip Wilson, Freddie Prinze, Rodney Dangerfield, Bernie Mac, etc. None of them died of really old age so I guess being funny and brilliant has its price. They had money, they had fame and many had drugs and alcohol as their best friends. He could have found a funnier way to go out than a belt around his neck and door…sad, sad, and sad.

One interesting thing to me about Williams was his connection to Johnathan Winters of the Dayton, Ohio area. My parents attended Steel High School in Dayton for a while with Winters… who they described as “a little odd.” Winters was a mentor to Williams and they were similar in many ways… and the two of them together had the quickest wit and minds of this or any other generation. Their ability to improve was and is unsurpassed in the comedy world.


Plumbing-Heating-Air Crap/Traps

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I’ve heard this complaint before of seniors calling a HVAC place to get in on a “special” price to tune up a heater or air conditioner and when the tech arrives the price goes way out of whack. This especially happens when your air conditioning goes out in the heat and it seems like you have no other choice than to pay, right now, what they demand.

We had a similar thing with our plumbing just two days ago when the shower and tub backed up with smelly stuff. I called a “local” firm that quoted $120 to come and clean out the line if we had a front “trap”. The crap/trap cleaner arrives and said our trap was too small at 2 inches and needs to be 4 inches so the price to put in a bigger trap was $900. It was a trap all right.

My advice to everyone, especially seniors, if you have a plumbing or HVAC problem no matter how serious it seems call and have them come in person and give you a firm estimate in writing… if it seems too much  get a second price for doing the work. Don’t fall for a bait and switch low ball phone (or phonebook) price that goes up from the “special” price to 10 times or more. If it does happen to you call the district attorney’s office and file a complaint.

We solved our problem by calling Kyle Jacobs of Dixon at Jake’s Plumbing who we knew would give us a fair shake no matter what needed to be done.


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August 8th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #527 (8-8-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


 “Studies have confirmed that 97% of people are stupid…

 I’m glad I’m one of the other 5%.



Local “Let Us Vote Party” To Ad Logo



“I’d hate to start an election when a vast majority of those that will vote in this one are already PO’s at you. I of course will fan the flames of discontent at each and every turn. The truth may yet set us free…”

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The same it was made public I had already qualified (in a day) for the November election ballot I was informed the newly formed Dixon “Let Us Vote Party” had adopted the mushroom as its logo. When asked how that was chosen a spokesperson said, “It was a simple choice. The city council treats the voters like a mushrooms…they keep us in the dark and feed us bulls**t… and they don’t think we are smart enough to vote on issues…we mushrooms will show them just how dumb we are in the near future.” I asked if they should take that as a threat and he/she replied, “No, not a threat, a promise.”

I’ve never missed voting in an election, when given a chance, since I was old enough to vote. I voted even when there was nothing of interest to me or anyone for which I wanted to vote… I think there are many people like that who hold their right to vote sacred and make sure they always do… That’s why I’m giving them a choice besides “none of the above”. I wanted to register as “none of the above” but then though better of it because I’m sure I would be elected that way. I’m sure with this news breaking the ruling cartel will have its candidates coming out of the woodwork…Good bring them on… the truth may set us all free.

Last week I said I would probably register as a write-in candidate…I lied I guess. Just trying to get into the swing of the campaign early…gotta learn to be a better liar; it’s just not in my character. I am now just a regular ballot candidate, no statement, no bull, no money spent… Just my lonely name somewhere on the ballot.

Last election I had a book mark I handed out and it said, “If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.” This is a real truism.

SF Garbage coming just south of town, barrels of toxic oil rolling through here, twin water tunnels which could put our farmers and ranchers out of business, the whole downtown unexplainable hole, sewage, water, no vote, paybacks for campaign contributors, the city placing liens on homes for private business, increased spending without justification, being nasty to the public at council meetings, employee salary negotiations,  not putting the garbage business out for bid…the list goes on and on. I would hate to be an incumbent.

I lied last week about putting a “bug” in the city council chambers…Just figured since I’m not a naturally born liar I better start practicing if I don’t want to be a member of the Dixon city council….Remember how all five now seated swore they would serve and protect the taxpayers and voters of Dixon and then have consistently screwed them after elected…water, sewage, garbage, trains, a hole, etc. I figured I’d better get a head start if I want to get back into local politics.

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Don’t bother telling me not to make a sham out of this election…It’s too late. For the first time I refused to sign the “I promise to be nice” hippie-tree-hugging paper, so civility is off the table. It’s time to call a spade a spade and let the public see what kind of a mistake it makes when it believes slick expensive mailers as opposed to facts…The public should have seen that in big clear letters by now. Exposing these anti-voter egomaniacs is the way this election will go. If they can convince the public they didn’t do all of the crap they did, then fine, maybe they will be re-elected but I have severe doubts they can pull that off… even with all of the money and favors they can muster I think you’ll see two new faces after the votes are counted…and in two more years three more new faces. You can only spit in the public’s face so many times before you get some blowback.

2014 mushrooms

Don’t forget… We are all considered mushrooms. Your elected officials want to keep us in the dark and feed us bullsh**. They don’t think we are bright enough to make an informed decision (I guess because we were dumb enough to elected them in the first  palace) that’s why they wouldn’t let us vote on their $30,000,000 temporary solution to the sewage problem or the $6,000,000+ hole to nowhere downtown… The fact the council thinks the voters are stupid was proven once again by the former bully cop, now city councilman, who shrugged off the public’s right to vote waiving off the will of some 1,500 voters… on a project upon which that all five had agreed.

Watch next week for a surprising, “Ten Way NOT to Win an election…with a surprise photo which guarantees me a losing battle.



What Aisle Is The Polish Sausage On?


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days. A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the polish sausage?” The clerk asks, “Are you polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.” The guy says, “Thenwhy did you ask me if I’m Polish?” The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”


More Things For Thought

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 If you ever find yourself wondering who was the oldest actor to play the part of James Bond… don’t google “old man bond age”.

If buying new underwear is considered proof positive you’re having an affair… I’ve been faithful for at least the last nine years.

The wife needs a really cute outfit for Friday night… anybody know where she can find a Forever 41?

Manslaughter… the sound of a man laughing?

A guy asked me why Stephen Hawking can’t dance… hell, everybody knows that, it’s cause he’s white.

Airlines: Offering you the comforts of gas station food, drinks and rest rooms at five-star restaurant prices.

I try to make it a habit to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and ohhhhh, crap!”

Marriage is supposed to be permanent… sort of like a tattoo that yells at you.

Cats live to a different standard than the rest of us.  If they run from company and hide under the bed it’s no big thing… I do it and it’s “weird”.

Money saving idea:  Instead of neutering the dog… just make him wear Crocs.

 I got a $100 gift card for K-Mart… the hard part is deciding which K-Mart I want to buy.

As a child I had a medical condition that required I eat handfuls of soil several times a day in order to survive… I feel very fortunate my older brother told me about it.

The wife says she only drinks wine because she’s saving the corks for an art project… that’s cool, looks like she’s going to build a castle.

The irony of being a pedestrian… hit by a Dodge.

I have my own version of “Whole Foods”… where I eat the whole pizza, the whole box of donuts or the whole bag of chips.

I didn’t watch the world cup… if I wanted to watch guys run around for three hours and then leave with a tie I’d just go to Sears.

Men are a real dichotomy:  they developed the theory of relativity, walked on the moon, created the Mona Lisa… yet are continually baffled by bra clasps.

No, YOU’RE a nary tract infection!

My doctor seemed a little agitated when he asked me “Do you drink alcohol?”… and I responded “Why?  What have you got?”

My girlfriend just told me she’s experienced a transformation and is now a Christian… it came as quite a shock as I’ve always known her as Christine.

Is it still considered casual sex if when you meet you’re both wearing formal attire?

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels.

We had a thundershower on the fourth of July… drying out damp fireworks in a hot oven is not a good idea.  Trust me on this.

I’ve been told that exercise helps you with your decision making.  It’s true… after going to the gym earlier today I’ve decided I’m never going again.

My mom called once at 3am to tell me some old long lost relative had died… then she hung up on me when I asked if they wouldn’t have still been dead at 8am.

The term “expecting a baby” implies a certain amount of uncertainty… you’re almost positive it’s a baby, but there’s a small chance it might be a bushel of potatoes?

We’ve been working on our budget for retirement… if we don’t buy food we won’t need toilet paper, this just might work!

I’m just not quite sure yet why this delicious cookie dough has baking directions on the side of the package.

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and then go to bed… married women come home, see what’s in the bed and then go to the fridge.

I think at my age if I get a tattoo it should be something responsible… like a dragon covering my back but doing his taxes.



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July 5th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #522 (7-4-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns




Today Is The 4th of July


          Ever said to yourself, “Self, I’d like to help a local charity so I think I’ll go out and spend the day in plywood, screened in box, filled with gun powder, in 100 plus degree heat and sell fireworks to the masses”? Not many people think that way but that’s what we and a few of our hardy volunteers and dozens of others have been doing for the past week.

You gotta give these folks credit (or a certificate to have their heads examined) for braving the heat and the LONG 12 hour days to staff these booths to make money for their organizations. We (Dixon Toys for Tots) teamed again with Dixon American Legion Post 208 for a day at Safeway’s parking lot and shared a day with Dixon Soccer Club at Wal-Mart’s parking lot to sell thousands of dollars’ worth of explosives. It really is neat driving around town seeing families gather together with neighbors in almost every court and down each street to celebrate the 4th with their own little fireworks displays. If you haven’t bought them yet (or need more) we will be in the Safeway booth from 12:30 to 2 on the 4th. It doesn’t matter when you buy them at either booth because the groups involved split the profits.

It was nice to talk to all of the people and to know we were helping veteran’s causes, families at Christmas and a youth sports organization through our efforts. Thanks you all for your nice comments about this column, this newspaper and the good these organizations do for our community…Oh, and by the way, you can join up and help you know.


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Mosquitoes Can Kill You…


          West Nile Virus as we should all know by now can make you sick, make you very sick, not sick at all or if you are young or old or just have a bad reaction it can give you a dirt nap…as in resting forever on the bottom side of the grass…worm food…get the subtle point?

You’d think in a drought with less water there would be less mosquitoes which may technically be true, but a real truism is… less can actually be more… With less water more blood suckers and birds all gather around the reduced water supply, mosquitoes bite birds, birds carry the disease, other mosquitoes bite that bird and then bite humans and wham, you get the WN virus. Funny thing is only about one in five people infected develop mild flu like symptoms starting three to 14 days after the critter nails you. Whereas anyone can earn an infection, those over 50 or who have diabetes or hypertension are at a greater risk of getting really sick…hospital like sick.



 FYI…Dead birds with the virus were found in Dixon on May 28th and June 2… that’s dead birds found, reported and tested…how many croaked with no story to tell? INFECTED MOSQUITOES WERE FOUND IN Dixon on June 13 and in the Leisure Town area in Vacaville on June 19th. Again these are only the ones they found. So it is here and it is real and what are you doing about it? Tonight while you’re watching fireworks or having that barb-b-queue I strongly suggest you lather up with anti-bug stuff that has DEET in it.  Especially lather it on the kids and make sure to wash the toxic stuff off when you come indoors. If you’re out and about wear long pants, blouse them, long sleeve shirts and put bug spray on all protected areas of your and your kids bodies.

We all know no one is going to bundle up head to toe in 100 degree weather but you can use effective anti-mosquito spray/juice with very little effort. When it’s bad we use some DEET, when it’s moderate we use Avon’s Skin so Soft repellant and it seems to work, smells good and leaves my skin silky smooth… and the bugs don’t like it.



I shouldn’t even have to tell you to empty all standing/stagnant water and report any abandoned pools or other sources of breeding grounds to Mosquito Abatement at 707-437-1116 and they can even give you mosquito fish to eat the bad bug’s spawn in you your little backyard decorative pond.  And for God’s sake if you see a dead bird or squirrel don’t let the kids play with it or the cat drag it in the house call 1-877-968-2473 or go to and report it.

Sacramento County is spraying by air at night to try and combat the WNV there where over 35 dead infected birds have been reported, found and tested. We have a lot more open space than them so we probably have a lot more squirrels and birds (like crows for whatever reason) just laying around stiff waiting to be found.

Mosquito repellant, like sunscreen, an easy prevention but many people just don’t take the time to use it…at least make sure the kids are protected during the fireworks…


Don’t forget Two Biggies Coming…


…Biggies that is unless you are a tree hugging couch potato…in that case go on to the next section.

  1. The annual Solano County Friends of the NRA dinner will be held at the fairgrounds a week from tomorrow, July 12th. The New York steak dinner with all the trimmings will cost you $55 unless you want to buy a table and impress your friends (and at the right price be   guaranteed a gun). They will have the usual bunch of guns to give away in games, live and silent auctions, a no-host bar and plenty of other stuff to see and do to take your money. A lot of people, believe it or not, go for just the great steak dinner. You can get your tickets in advance (only) at Frontline Archer on N. First Street, 707-678-9330 (for a gun dinner…why not friends of the bow and arrow dinner?) or by calling 707-678-2777. The local Dixon Game Club works hand-in-hand with the NRA folks on youth programs, hunter safety, etc. People come from all over for this dinner…Looks like my first wife Linda and I will be there selling drink tickets or running a booth or doing something to help out.





  1. Along those same line the semi-annual “Hunter Safety” course will be coming up August 2nd-3rd at the Dixon Game Club house. The seating is limited and that’s why I’m telling youabout it now. They only have so many chairs and when reserved butts fill the seat quota, and you haven’t registered you or your family…you’re out. You need to call the club house NOW at 707-678-9155 to RSVP for you and yours. If you want a hunting license in California you have to take this course and pass the test. If you’re going for a hunting license elsewhere and they require a “hunter safety certificate” you better take this course or you’ll be out of luck (and maybe a lot of bucks… both kinds) and not be even able to get a license. Didn’t even know Dixon had a Dixon Game and Conservation Club did you? Wanna join? You can, and its directors get crabs once a year and on the same night get rid of all of them in front of like 600 people…amazing huh? If you haven’t seen this affair put it on your “don’t miss” list.

World Cup Crap…


            In my personal opinion there was amazing play, unbelievable goalies, interesting referring… some that was great, and some that sucked. The ref for the kick ass Brazil-Chile game did a great job, called the fouls, gave the cards, and kept the game fairly under control…I think he is a cop form England and he didn’t take any crap, and the players didn’t give him any.

Were you surprised that one of the main sponsors of the Columbia team was coke? Sniff. I wasn’t.  England went home early and the power houses aren’t looking that good. The English, Dutch, Germans and Brazil apparently have underestimated how much soccer has improved worldwide and just squeaked by in most games… and didn’t look good doing it. The USA team apparently thought they could give up many shots on goals and corner kicks and somehow come out on top.  The teams that played not to lose…lost. The ones with a plan and the will to win won even though they may not have been the best team that day.

This world cup also brought out the worst in the sport from the whinny players to the out of control coaches. When we went to the clinic to our State Coaches License years ago I was impressed with one of the first things they taught us… “You can’t coach during a competition; you can only take notes on what to work on during your next practice. If your players don’t have it by game time you aren’t going to teach them on the spot. Get a chair, control yourself, sit down and become a more than interested spectator and figure out what you need to work on.” I guess that’s just for soccer lay persons.

Many of the fouls committed were professional by nature and the top refs spotted them, called them, and kept control of the game. If you noticed in those good games the “dives” were kept to a minimum the throwing up their hands or clapping when a call was made were fewer.

It’s amazing a foul was called the fouler threw up his hands telling the ref he didn’t do anything wrong and the fouled upon threw up his hands claiming almost fatal injury…meanwhile coaches on both sides threw up their hands and screamed at the refs. When roles were reversed and the same foul was called on the other team the same thing happened in reverse…go figure. What you saw was a bunch of cry baby actors who were called on their bad performances by the best referees in the world. The mediocre refs got chewed up and spit out in short order…don’t think players don’t know where the line is drawn each and every game.

When our sons and I showed up to ref (at high school and men’s competitive) we actually heard coaches tell their players, “This is NOT the day to mouth off unless you want to sit on the bench or go home early…watch your slide tackles and mind your manners and just play the game, these guys won’t take ANY crap.” And we didn’t… and play was safer, fair, with few injuries and no fights in the thousands of games we did. We simply called and the game and applied the rules evenly and fairly at the level of play we were presented with at each game.


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July 5th 2014
Is Laughter The Best Medicine?

Posted under That's Life Columns

“With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die”. ~Abraham Lincoln


“When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other”. ~Alan Alda


“What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh”! ~Agnes Repplier


Laughter is ringing through the streets of the city of Dixon.  What is defined by some as relieving consternation instigated by the beyond control antics of others is quite the opposite to those on the receiving end.  My perspective is different from those who gave the sitting council hell at the last council meeting.  Anger on the part of the community was sweet satisfaction to me, having told you all along what these buffoons you put in office were perpetrating on all of us.


I ask any of you how you can not laugh when you see the pictures of the mayor, appearing in this paper as well as the Tribune, showing a man entirely overwhelmed by the moment.  Sure the TV camera crew added to it but it was mostly faces he had never seen before, reprimanding Batchelor and his peers for not allowing a vote on the very important matter of the sewer rate increase.  For someone faking sincerity and feigning professionalism, what really shows through is Jack’s immaturity.  Only someone acting like a spoiled brat expect to get their way every time out.


The thing you need to do next is look at Steve Bird’s photo.  If arrogance as well as consternation over having to put up with members of the public telling him what they think of his performance could be captured, this pictorial definitely was it.  Bird looks like he is thinking, “I was a cop.  I didn’t have to put up with this.  I shouldn’t have to put up with this now.”  You don’t, Steve.  Save us all the time and trouble and just resign.


Finally we come to the junior high school class clown, Jerry Castañon.  Ted Hickman’s photo shouldn’t be entered into the next Mayfair contest.  It should be directly submitted to Webster’s for inclusion under the definition for “befuddled”.  I hope you were all laughing as hard as I was when I first glanced at it.


Here we have Snow White’s new friends, Grumpy, Dumpy, and Dopey.  Yes, the citizens of Dixon are laughing at you, not with you.  It was very apparent in statements such as “You know I voted for three of you sitting up there and I can just as easily vote to recall you.”


This laughter is not pure as there is anger behind it.  As Honest Abe said, if we weren’t able to laugh at the horrible job they are doing, we probably would have a heart attack worrying about their actions’ repercussions.  Further, along the lines of Alda, we would rather all of you just left office rather than go to war with you.  You should be glad we are laughing rather than throwing stones.


Unfortunately Agnes Repplier’s quote is inaccurate unless you consider that “the absurdities and paradoxes” imposed despite educated arguments to the contrary will be ended by an inevitable recall of these churls.  The recall will be “the ringing death-knell of …” laughter.  Laughter alone will never bring them to their senses.


We will laugh out of relief.  We will laugh because we will see change from absolutely the worst council which has ever been assembled.  We will laugh as we bring humility to the haughty.  It will be worth every effort we make to achieve it.


But enough of laughing as this is a serious subject, the rejection of the Declaration of Independence’s main premise: “deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.”  Yes, you heard it correctly.  We grant them the power to rule over us.  They only think they are above us because they don’t believe we will exercise the right encompassed by this phrase “ …That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government …”


Further than that, I can absolutely confirm that city staff as well as this collection of dolts, bolts, and nuts who sit on the dais believes YOU are the enemy.  Why else do they hide from the public?  As I was chastised by Dane Besneatte for grouping him in with the others, sometimes rightly and sometimes too broadly as the poetic license of hyperbole to make a point is used, I will say that neither he nor “Darth” Bogue deserve any constant affiliation with the extreme progressives and liberal fascists who are their supposed peers.  Yet Dane didn’t speak up for the people even when a member of the public, Steve Steiert, did.  Maybe Dane was asleep at the wheel on this one?


Why is the public the enemy?  Why are you who want the right to vote on something that sticks in your craw viewed as an aggravation?  You have spoken loudly now that you have had enough of their poor decision making without any regard to real independent research designed to provide options.  It is quite simple.


First, this council has proven they can’t think for themselves.  I would bet that not one of them including even Darth has taken the time to “google” any of the topics related to In-Pipe Technology’s technologies.  I cannot believe In-Pipe is the only purveyor of a “ferrate treatment” process.  Guess what?  They aren’t.


Ever heard of a company called Ferrate Treatment Technologies, LLC?  The descriptive text of the link states: “A Global Water Treatment Breakthrough… It reduces the number of process steps and cost of capital equipment required to complete a treatment train.”  There are at least 10 more pages of companies our staff has never even considered.


So why hasn’t staff investigated this?  As it turns out, our city engineer was never given “The Lake Apopka Storyboard” presentation initially provided to the ENTIRE council by In-Pipe.  You would have thought Joe Leach would have asked me about it after I presented it at a council meeting, the one where Jack Batchelor was shaking his head “NO” the entire time.


Second, as I have stated before, Jack Batchelor’s ego can’t stand the loss of control which comes from someone proving him wrong in so many ways and so many times.  This sign of immaturity demonstrates exactly why he has consistently made the wrong decisions as mayor, attempted to force his will in shrilly arguing against fellow councilmen opposing his folly, and never changing his position on any matter before him.  Jack hates the public especially when he can’t con or control you.


Finally to give credence to those whom this council is supposedly “serving” is to give up this overbearing form of government.  The small group of rotten Rot-ary members, whose true ugliness decries and defies the term I normally use facetiously or “tongue in cheek” calling them the “beautiful people”, who provide direction and support for the mayor are equally unnerved.  How is it possible that they got their second former police officer elected to support the mayor and he is equally as feckless as the first?


However, this “ball of confusion” is not restricted solely to the council.  You have a city staff who serves only themselves.  Again, the hyperbole is used because the sickening majority outweighs those who truly try to help the public.  There is a pervasive culture at city hall of secrecy and superiority to those they view as outsiders.


I was listening to Mark Levin today on the way home from the Bay Area and he had on a congressman who was complaining that he couldn’t get into a federal holding area where the Central American illegal alien children were being held.  “But I am a congressman.  I am charged with oversight.”  Welcome to what I experienced as a sitting councilman attempting to improve staff and public interactions.


The problem is we elect people who don’t give a damn about their responsibilities of oversight and direction to staff because they have a staff mentality.  Let the city manager handle it.  How do they know the city manager is doing anything without being involved even as a simple observer.  Ever hear of “MBWA”?  That is managing by walking around, a concept some of us understood when taught this in business school in Organizational Behavior classes.


If and when this council is replaced, we the citizens should be looking for people who can think for themselves, are not part of this staff sub-culture, and who have some real managerial experience as opposed to former State workers who think a title is a substitute for ever having to accomplish anything.  Dixon is not unique in this position.  The difference is we, the people, have seen for ourselves how business is conducted and are on the verge of changing it.


There is absolutely no reason that the city manager had to change the date of the In-Pipe presentation from the expected July 8th date.  Jim Lindley’s explanation is he wanted to give them all the time they needed to make their presentation.  Hey Jim, how about thinking outside the little box in which you keep placing yourself?  Why not let In-Pipe present on Tuesday and call a special meeting to handle all of the other pressing council business?


Here you have a company coming all the way in from Wood Dale, Illinois, have set up the meeting a month and a half ago for July 8th, and you change the date at the last minute?  You wonder why you might have a problem with scheduling everyone involved to be present?  But then again you and the mayor don’t want any of this to run smoothly as it will throw a wrench in your plan to waste our money.


So what would I do if I was mayor?  First and foremost, I would have asked for options long before this.  I have a computer and lots of friends in town who actually read more than just the “funny pages”.  If staff can’t provide me with solutions, when they are stated professionals and paid commensurate high salaries, then it is time to get people who can perform.  As mayor, you make $300 per month plus stipends from other agencies, while these people are getting in the range of $10,000 per month.  I shouldn’t have to do their job for them.


Secondly, if those entrenched in city staff aren’t willing to take a subservient role to the public or any council person who is performing his or her function of examining the performance of any staff member in order to make managerial suggestions to the city manager, they should be looking at taking early retirement.


I was once told “who would want to work for you?”  “You will create massive turnover at city hall.”  This same boob claimed to be a “government reformer”.  Unlike Obama’s “change” toward centralized government, my change would simply observe the proper relationship between the public and their government as defined by the city’s own organization chart.


I again want to thank all of you who came out and spoke your minds at the last council meeting.  It wasn’t all that difficult to get up and speak, was it?  I know many more of you read this column and feel the same way.  I would hope to see the chambers overflowing during the special meeting or any regular council meeting.  You need to let the council know you are watching.


Crooks need to be watched …


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June 27th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #521 (6-27-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to



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You notice the fireworks booths all over town? Each one is run supposedly by a local charitable group to earn money and spend it locally to make things better. We (Dixon Toys for Tots Community Christmas Programs) have partnered again with the American Legion (as we have each year since the sales started) and will man the booth on July 2 in the Safeway Parking lot. Each group that helps out gets a share of the total profits. On the July1, (Tuesday) we and our people will man (or woman I guess) the Dixon Soccer Club’s booth at Wal-Mart…all day from at least 10 am to 10 pm in both locations. Soooo…if helping Vets, kids, or youth soccer programs are to your liking spend your hard earned bucks at one of these two booths… and stop by on our day and say hello if you can.


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Coming Up…

wgun posterv #1


The 2014 Dixon NRA dinner will be held Saturday, July 12, starting at 6 p.m. in Denverton Hall at the Dixon May Fairgrounds. The annual event will feature a New York steak dinner, no-host bar, live and silent auctions, raffles, games, and hunt and safari packages.

Dixon’s dinner is always well attended, seating is limited and tickets are available only in advance of the event. Tickets range up from $55 and can be purchased at Frontline Archery at 645 North First Street in Dixon (707-678-9330) or by calling 707-678-2777 or emailing



The Dixon Game and Conservation Club… is hosting a DGF approved “Hunter Safety Class” August 2-3 at their club house.  If you don’t have a California hunting license or hunter safety certificate you might want to RSVP/ASAP. I say hunter safety certificate because a lot of states won’t accept anything else when you go to buy an out of state license. Used to be a Ca. hunting license was all it took… no more in a lot of cases. If you are planning an out-of-state hunt you better check ahead or you could be very unhappy upon arrival.

You pretty much should sign up now for the course by calling 707-678-9155 and make your reservation because seats are limited. Leave your name and number and how many want to take the course and they’ll call you back.


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The Dixon Soccer Club…is putting together a course for new referees starting on July 20th. If you are interested you need to contact the club and have them reserve a space for you. It’s an intensive course with a test at the end and a field session. At one time both our sons and my wife Linda were certified referees and certified coaches. Our eldest son, Trey and I went on to become State Referees and got our State coaching licenses. Trey refereed about 2,500 games and I quite counting at 3,500.  Trey got injured and had to drop his license but I still have my State Referee License and my Instructor’s rating and will probably be teaching the Dixon class. Sign up, have some fun and make some money. Trey made thousands of dollars a year while still in high school.


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Keeping Sharp…

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What do you do an a hot summer day when you planned to go out and do a little shooting with the family? Our younger son, Joel, took his mom (my first wife Linda) and me to “Center Mass Shooting Range” in Vacaville (owned by Ed and Cathy Tubbs) (707-449-4867) to get in a little hand gun practice. That us above and Linda with an actual shot and the recoil recorded.

Besides going over loading, safety and firing my .38 and 9 mm, Linda shot Joel’s  Glock .40,  his 380, 38 light hammerless and the Sig P238 (cannon seen in her hand). From 6 feet to 25/30 she grouped well and put everything in the vital scoring area. The P238 was a little heavy for her. I held my own and Joel outshot both of us as usual. More old broads should know how to shoot and not be afraid to pull the trigger. Over the years Linda had taken both big and small game and isn’t afraid to pull the trigger when necessary.

If you want protection and you haven’t hunted or shot hand guns, get a cheap pump shotgun from Big 5 when they are on sale, for like $200 or so. When and if the need arises simply jack the slide…every dirt ball on the planet knows that sound and few will advance after hearing it… if you are afraid of guns you don’t even need to use shells.


More Stuff To Ponder2013 badge 7

 If procrastinating were an Olympic event I’d show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.

I’m thinking of running for public office… I figure the scandalous dirt they dig up on me will help me piece together the early part of my twenties.

My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room… but she can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

When dealing with the police it’s best to always remain calm… and be white.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast?

Women love guys with tattoos… it shows their ready to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives.

If you meet an attractive young lady and she says she’s into “bondage”… it doesn’t mean she wants to see your investment portfolio.

If Jesus had turned water into vodka the Bible would probably have been a more colorful and exciting read.

The older I get I find I like my women like I like my golf scores… in the low 80′s with a slight handicap.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they wouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

I can see exactly 6 years into the future… I have 2020 vision.

Always knew I would never become a lawyer… I struggle to pass a bar.

I think it’s neat the way after all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together they gave the horses a shot at it.

Legally I guess it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss… but I thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother named Drum.

On international Pancake Day I got a bunch of free pancakes… today is international woman’s day and it’s almost over.  I think I liked Pancake Day better.

I suppose I could have thrown a coin in the fountain and wished for all the money in it… but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time…I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart.

I’m honestly convinced some women don’t pass gas… they just hold it all in and it eventually comes out as drama.

I’m sorry, I’d really like to help you out but your problem just doesn’t register very high on my giveacrapometer.

Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty I see some ass in a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spaces.

Even though I’m old I question my maturity… I’m worried that when I’m 69 years old I’ll giggle the whole year.

I’ll never understand women… they loathe you for asking their age but make life miserable if you forget their birthday.

In life, God is my co-pilot.  Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.

I thought the limit on stupidity had been reached… then some moron raised the bar.

I want something named after me when I die so I’ll always be remembered… like a park, or a library or maybe a mental disorder.

They say that rabbits don’t wear glasses ‘cuz they eat carrots but notice they also don’t have thumbs… I like my thumbs so I don’t eat carrots.

It’s only when watching a mosquito land on your testicles that you realize there are ways to solve problems without resorting to violence.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s into wife swapping.  If you’re interested… he’ll take a dirt bike, Xbox, a puppy, whatever.

Geese and swans mate for life… which explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

I think this donut scented air freshener is gonna pay for itself the next time I get pulled over.




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June 27th 2014
Rather Perturbed, Aren’t We?

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Mike Ceremello’s weekly newspaper column from Dixon’s Independent Voice.




How did we ever elect such a gutless wonder of a council?  For those of you present at city hall shortly before Tuesday night’s foray into fear, you got to see YOUR mayor, Jack Batchelor, and YOUR councilmen Steve Bird and Jerry Castañon slink and slither into the council chambers either attempting to avoid or ignore the sixty or so protestors chanting “put it on the ballot”.  Only Darth Bogue had nerve enough to face his angry constituents and stand with them.


The only reason for the mayor’s feigned civility, in dealing with the crowd inside the chambers, was the presence of  TV cameras from Channel 13 and photographers from the Independent Voice (thanks Ted and Dave), the Repeater, and the Tribune.  I say feigned or faked because Jack’s demeanor turned decisively sour later in the meeting when confronted directly.


I simply asked Jack who it was who gave city manager Jim Lindley “direction” to change existing policy on legal advertisement bidding from one day to two days minimum availability.  Rather than reply to that specific question, Jack took the route of many of today’s liberal, progressive politicians.  Jack pointed out that when this was on the consent calendar, no one questioned it.


My response was quite direct: “You didn’t answer the question, Jack.”  As Lindley has stated “I carry out policy, I don’t make it”, and no one had expected to see a change in the bid process, there was no reason to look at the item on the consent calendar in detail.  Unfortunately, we now know this is no longer true.  Even the IV editor, Dave Scholl, initially missed it until he later began to put together his bid.  And you wonder why we keep repeating that phrase, “Can you really trust them?”


I thought about this afterwards.  Could Jack really have misunderstood my question or is he so in denial this was the only way he could respond?  I am getting tired of my pity party for these buffoons.  “I pity the fool” is appropriate because the pressures of office are beginning to wear on Jack.  It has been shown “the emperor has no clothes” and more and more of you are understanding this.


As I said at the podium on Tuesday night, I am very proud of those who have shown up at the council chambers to bring the message home.  I enjoy giving credit where it is due.  All of you need to be less polite and amiably deferential to these officials by declaring “thank you for the opportunity to speak” when you are these servant’s bosses recognized by the city’s own organizational chart and the United States Constitution’s bill of rights giving you “redress of your grievances”.


Government has most of us buffaloed into believing their superiority.  How does being a cop, penal system administrator, or carpenter transform into some mystic ability to make unerring decisions for the rest of us?  How well has John Garamendi’s background in agriculture helped anyone?  The same goes for Diane Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi.  Having money doesn’t equate to intelligence at any level.


I want to applaud Steve Steiert for having more sense than I expected.  Steve stated the obvious for representatives everywhere.  When your constituents are demanding an action, and certainly having 1500 valid signatures of voters is significant, it makes no difference what your personal views are on the issue.  As Steve said, “put it on the ballot and let the people vote”.  Now if Steve could just see the obvious as to why the council solution with which he agrees is inefficient, ineffective, and an enormous waste of public funds.


I will also give Jack some kudos for allowing people to speak during public comment even if limiting them to 5 minutes per speaker.  All in all it only took less than 40 minutes to hear everyone out.  There never has been a need for speaker time limits and, once again, this proves the point.


After listening to all of the speakers, two things stuck out.  First and foremost, more than one speaker admitted that they had voted for “three of you” currently on the dais and are frustrated with the arrogant, elitist, and pig headed responsiveness to public direction.  As has been pointed out to me, “recalls always fail in Dixon”.  Well, there is a first time for everything and never has a council been so out of control and out of touch with the citizens.

The second item was brought out by Art Perez who claims he doesn’t have enough information to make a decision about the right approach to a solution for our wastewater issues.  Art, as most of you, has heard of In-Pipe Technology but not enough about the actual data to support their claims.  I will attempt to clarify this one more time.


In-Pipe has many solutions but the only two Dixon as a city needs to employ are a bacterial treatment in our sewer lines and a “ferrate treatment” process at our treatment plant.  The cost of these two separately are $500,000 per year to inject bacteria into the lines and $1.35 million to build and equip a ferrate plant.  Compare that to $28.5 million for the “activated sludge” process backed by the entire council less Thom Bogue.  Do you understand the cost differential?


Secondly, what does each process accomplish?  Bacterial treatment reduces the incoming load to the plant by around 50% according to In-Pipe representatives who have this working in a number of communities.  This means the capacity of the system has now been increased without building or destroying anything at the plant.  Bacterial treatment also converts nitrates to nitrogen gas much as activated sludge does.  Activated sludge, however, requires the removal of solids left over from the process at an additional cost.  The analysis doesn’t stop there.


The ferrate treatment process, according to the Lake Apopka data sheet provided to ALL OF THE COUNCIL and in my possession, takes out 95% of the nitrates as well as over 50% of all heavy metals and boron.  There is enough capacity with one of these units to do all of our incoming waste plus what already exists in the ponds.  As the State of California seems to love to throw money around, this is the perfect opportunity for them to give us $2 million for an additional plant to see what really can be done to eliminate constituents such as boron without having to spend $165 million as Vacaville did on their treatment plant.


The State Water Board has said that 8 parts per million is above their permitted limit for Dixon of 7.  So if you pull out 50% of the boron, it would seem to me that you would be well under the limit at 4 within some calculable time frame.  Sorry folks but this is basic math so I really can’t see why this is so difficult to understand.


There is no need to spend $28.5 million.  Activated sludge does not remove anything but nitrates.  Boron will still be a problem.  That is until they want to hit you up for more money to do tertiary treatment.  That should only double your rates one more time.


I found it funny when Jack reported that he attended a conference on poverty in Suisun City.  Is he studying poverty so he can find more ways than raising sewer and water rates to put us all in that position?  The bleeding heart liberal feels fake or phony compassion but has yet to provide a solution.  Remember Lyndon Baines Johnson’s fight on poverty?  The only real solution is to grow the economy, something that none of these dunderheads on this council can comprehend.


You don’t have to believe me about any of this.  The next council meeting is scheduled to have In-Pipe representatives giving a presentation.  The next council meeting will have an agenda item about giving the people the right to vote on this issue.  The next council meeting will have the bids for legal notices restructured without the games.


As Darth said, “you need to be here again for this vote”.  It does no good to tell this group once and expect them to do as you ask.  They have proven by reneging on the Planned Development Area public rejection, they can not be trusted.


So I guess that answers that question …

* * * * *

For those of you who still believe government looks out for your best interests, you should have attended the Dixon Solano Water Agency meeting on Monday.  Their one task was to approve a budget for the period of July 1st to August 15th.  As Dane Besneatte correctly pointed out, SID will be out on August 10th so not even this was accurate.


As I warned those on the council and the public, if you give this crooked agency additional monies through increased rates, (thanks Darth), they will find a way to waste it.  The staff’s recommendation of $152,000 for this 45 day period, equivalent to $1.2 million on an annual basis, proves my point.


Solano Irrigation District has been stealing money from those of us in their assessment district for years.  They have overcharged us for “standby” and when caught refused to compensate the city.  The cost allocation study validating up to a 130% surcharge for “overhead” is worthless.  Their inability, as well as the city’s finance department, to properly account for all revenues and the flow of funds is frightening and worrisome.  Yet Thom “Darth” Bogue believes SID manager Cary Keaton when he blows smoke up his you know what?


When I asked him why he went along with the budget, Hillary told me “at this point, what does it matter?”  Yes, Thom has more than one nickname now.  Evidently so does Dane although my attempts to contact him for a personal response were not answered.


Considering that $91,000 was already budgeted last year for “training for Severn and Trent”, I see no need for $152,000 when now only $20,000 is budgeted for “a hand off of the system”.  Also stating in public that Severn and Trent has been unresponsive in getting this training is slanderous as well as deniable.  I spoke with Severn’s representative outside of the council meeting and this was all news to him.


This pretty much explains why Dixon has its current governmental structure.  We have far too many Hillary’s sitting on the dais, and I say that with apologies to Russ Cayler who claimed we were sexist in not having any females in this position.  The approach to everything has become “at this point, what does it matter?”


What does it matter when you are overcharged?  What does it matter when facts prove ferrate treatment is far superior to activated sludge at far less cost?  What does it matter when Jack spends $6 million on his hole?  What does it matter when noise ordinances are ignored?  What does it matter when the law is applied unequally?


Why the hell does anything matter with this type of attitude?  The bottom line conclusion from this sort of reasoning?  What does it matter who we elect?


Again we can thank the Rot-ary and the Dixon Positive Action Committee “beautiful people” for running our town into the ground.  We have only yourselves to thank for buying into their malarkey.


A recall of this group will only take us so far.  We need solid thinking principled citizens to fill the void.  A caution: This is much like the plaintiff cry from the Who song of the 70′s.



I hope we don’t get fooled again …

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June 21st 2014
That’s Life©1966 #520 (6-21-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to


I guess you heard your president had ordered the government not to renew the license for the Washington Redskin football team because someone found it offensive. It will cost the football team some two million dollars to make a change in name. How can he do this you ask? Ask congress. Ask your senator how we now have a dictator, answerable to no one, who can make any decision he wants on a whim.

Here is an email sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page:
I always love your articles, and I generally agree with them.  I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.
Here are some other political correctness to consider:
I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.   We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians.   If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60′s alive. Gone.   It’s offensive to us
white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.   Do you see a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives.
I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged.   We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children.  The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Again, wrong message to our children. The Milwaukee Brewers—well that goes without saying… another wrong message to our children. As for the Pittsburgh Steelers… who knows how many young men and women were encouraged to embark on a career of crime.
So, there you go.   We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should.   Just the kind of thing the do-nothing congress loves.
As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers.”
Keep those cards and letters and emails coming folks.


Leaving Las Vegas



We started celebrating our second 25th anniversary a little early by going to Las Vegas last week for opening night of the new Celine Dion show because my first wife Linda wanted to… The tickets were expensive. She’s dropped all of the dancers and fine things from before only to fill with a song or two and then put her backup people in the spotlight to absorb time. It was a rip off. The floor folks spent about $500 for tickets and weren’t even given a program. They use a metal detector at the door and searched Linda’s purse…Not to see if you had weapons…to make sure you didn’t smuggle in anything like water. If you wanted a 50 cent bottle of water you have to pay them $6…The show was mediocre even for her greatest fans with her family photos of the two little long haired whatever kids she has. What a waste of money and time. Linda said it was still “ok” but she was disappointed.


We were there for three nights and the first night we went to see Cirque Du Soleil Zarkana at the Aria hotel. Great show and for two hours it was so breathtaking they didn’t even give you time to applaud… and they do two shows a night five days a week…Whew! For whatever reason they upgraded our seats arbitrarily and gave us floor center stage which made it all the better. This was worth the time and the money.

As we got into town I saw a billboard for Mamma Mia at the Tropicana, a movie I found boring and stupid but Linda, like most chicks, loves it. So it was Zarkana, Monday, Celine on Tuesday and I got like front row tickets for Mamma for Wednesday night because I know how much she likes this one. We initially went to Los Wages to see only the one show. I have to admit the stage play/musical was better than ok, same stupid story, but the actors and singers from the Broadway production made it enjoyable for even me.

We got into town just after the two police officers were gunned down by the lunatic couple and security was really tight on the streets…with hundreds to thousands of people from all over the world walking around almost 24 hours a day in the 100 + degree heat.

Even so, we went down town to see the outdoor/mall overhead light show (see photo of Linda)…cool place to go and neat things to see.

So if you’re going to Vegas, go downtown, see Zarkana and even Mamma Mia but let Celine stew in her own gluttony. As near as I could figure the place holds about 5,000 people and at the exorbitant (average) prices, and cutting out much of the expenses she had before, she might take in as much and a million and a half a night… plus the 10’s of thousands which comes from drink and junk sales.


More Of The Good Stuff!



It has been my experience that most people don’t like holding hands in public… especially if you don’t know them.

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn… rather than have Christmas with their families.

Women aren’t that complicated… they just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Once a friend said “ain’t never had no nothing”… it remains the only time I’ve ever heard a quadruple negative.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby… and it comes out blank.

I bought a used UPS truck… gas mileage is crappy but I can park anywhere.

Father’s Day was probably pretty awkward in Jesus’ home in Nazareth.

I’m a leader not a follower… except into dark, spooky places, then you’re going first.

Superman is depressed because he has to change clothes in dirty gas station bathrooms… since the phone booth is now extinct.

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women… she finds the rejection quite entertaining.

If I were a Greek philosopher my name would be Mediocrities.

Thanks to Targets three-way mirrors I am now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

The problem with house plants is you have to water them… more than once apparently.

I’m not sure if the bulb for my check engine light burned out or my car magically fixed itself… I’m going with the latter.

My sister discovered that the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.

I hope I die on a shiny white floor… just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

I feel a little over dressed here at WalMart ‘cuz the top of my pajamas match the bottoms.

My son shaves his head bald… when he wears a head band he looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Hippopotomonstrosequipedaliophobia is the fear of long words… I’m telling you ‘cuz those that suffer from this phobia can’t.

Writing a good suicide note is hard… especially if you don’t know that persons handwriting.

I don’t date left-handed chicks cause you know… lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Everyone knows what DNA stands for… National Dyslexic Association.

I wore a suit to WalMart… they made me their king.

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

Cheer up!  Being single isn’t so bad… look at Kraft cheese slices for example.

If you think buying condoms is awkward… try returning them.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar… everyone else leaves.

Unfaithful Russian men come home to find their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the curb.

You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.

I’m not one to brag but my cooking is “to die from”.

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