December 12th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #545 (12-12-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

It’s strange to think that there was a time when the most information a tablet could hold was five commandments.

 

Senator Coppes?

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Yep, that’s what I heard… and you’re hearing it here first. Some folks are pressuring Dixon Greg Coppes to run for Senator Lois Wolk’s senate seat (she’s termed out) against Assemblyperson Yamada (who’s termed out in the assembly) in 2016.

Greg, former Dixon American Legion Post 208 Commander told me he’s exploring his options and hasn’t ruled it out… but he didn’t say he ruled it in either… He would be a chance to recover some sanity in state government.

 

Victoria’s Secret

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            Beginning in 1995, Victoria’s Secret began holding their annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, which is broadcast on primetime American television.[68] Starting with the 1995 fashion show they are “a combination of self-assured strutting for women and voyeuristic pleasures for men—and lingerie becomes mainstream entertainment.” …Wikipedia.

Anyone watch the Victoria’s Secret TV special the other night? The beautiful (I guess they had faces) seven foot women who weigh about 100 pounds strutted their stuff. The epitome of the “meat show” this was a show place for the Mensa level beauties.

 

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            When they completed their walk out to the runway and back without losing what little covering they had, or tripping, they did a fist pump and mouthed “nailed it”. I mean you gotta give these beauties credit… They were, after all, able to talk a few yards, blow a kiss, turn around and walk back… They all were nervous and stressed out but came through it basically in one piece. Thank goodness or I might not been able to sleep knowing one of them broke a nail or stepped on a costume or Lord forbid, stumbled on their short walk…Whew… they all made it safely and celebrated their victories with each challenging trip down the run way… And you think you have stress in your job arena!

 

 

Nelson Raises Reward To $1,000

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            Dixon’s Ty Nelson whose found-lost cat appeared in this space last week has upped his reward offer to $1,000 for the arrest and conviction of the person(s) responsible for stealing the family pet and taking it on a one-way journey to a nearby county.

The three year old cat was gone for six weeks and Nelson never gave up hope offering a $500 for its return.  He paid the reward to a lady from Yolo County who found it and took it to a vet that found Nelson through a chip planted in the adopted critter’s ear. She didn’t know about the reward but he made her take it. He had also offered $500 for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person who cat napped “Taylor” and dropped her off near Stevenson’s Bridge. He has now upped the reward TO $1,000 FOR THE INFORMATION.

A friend of Nelson’s sent me a hand written letter which reads as follows: “Ted: I read your article on Ty Nelson’s cat. I also know Ty and some of his neighbors. I never thought he would get the cat back. I thought it might be in a foreign country where they eat spoiled duck eggs and a fresh cat would be like a Thanksgiving dinner”.  (Ty said Mike was just glad he got it back.) Mike Doyle

 

Colder Than Carp

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            I don’t have to tell you it is colder than carp outside (remember the publisher won’t let me use the word “crap”. I’ve been telling our Toys for Tots people for at least 10 years we would have a return of the dreaded Tule fog (where you can’t see 10 feet in front of you but the stars are out and shining). Well, ITS BACK…and with a vengeance. The hundreds of poor little kids coming into see Santa Claus this year will really need the jackets we collect for them. The last few mild winters have people thinking that’s the way December is around here… but it isn’t. This is December, cold, wet, windy, rain, flooding, moldy, mildewy, and can be a gloomy funk.

I have hunted in the cold Canada, the freezing artic, and last year in Oklahoma in 1 degree weather… nowhere have I (we) been as cold as fishing in the fog in the Sacramento/Rio Vista Delta. The chill goes right through the best of winter clothing and chills you to the bone… So where’s this going?

 

            The Toys for Tots –Coats for Kids segment is lagging in its coat drive. We need between 800 and 1,000 as of now out count is in the hundreds.

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            Coats for kids started right here in Dixon. It was the first anyone had ever heard of back in the late 70’s or early 80’s… (This is our 48th straight year of doing these programs). My first wife Linda has always been a pushover for small suffering children and orphaned animals.

We had a foggy winter (like this one) when the kids were coming in to see Santa and many of them who came from Mexico and south of that had never seen really cold weather or snow. They had NO warm clothing. Anyway, one little girl was standing out in the cold (waiting to see Santa) in her best summer communion dress and thin white sweater shivering when softy Linda saw her. She ran home  and grabbed a couple of our young son’s coats and put one on her and one on her brother…and that’s how it started and has now grown to about 1,000 coats a year here. We made up the name and now there are hundreds of coats for kids programs all over the country.

Sooo, the point is we need coats and they can be donated at over a dozen businesses around town or dropped by the police department. We need all sizes from newborn to adult. They don’t have to be new… just warm, clean coats and jackets. Many of these kids come from families that can’t afford to run the heaters much and constantly live in chilly conditions.

If you have kids you probably have some coats they’ve outgrown, don’t like or won’t wear. Give them to us and we’ll put them to good use. Or…you can call Elaine Perry at the Dixon Police Department at 678-7070 or Pam Murdock at 685-4485 and they’ll arrange for a pick up. Little cold kids at Christmas time… could be worse… they could be hungry too but that’s another program we’re working on…

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More Things For Thought… 2014 Smikley - Copy

Lord, give me patience… ‘cuz if you give me strength you’re gonna have to give me bail money.

The wife told me it was stupid to pay $7 for something… when she could go to the crafts store, buy $92 worth of stuff and make it herself.

 Under “medical history” we meant for you personally… not “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928″.

The neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her so I told her I think about her naked… turns out she’s a hypocrite.

I was really bored the other night so I super glued some Doritos to the back of the damn cat and watched her run around the house like a stegosaurus.

It’s “aisle” not “isle”… if someone writes they’re on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not the grocery store.

A young lady walked by me with a therapy dog wearing a marked vest… she got a little testy when I asked “what kind of therapy is he in?”

I put on my pants just like everybody else… as soon as the security guard says “sir, you’re going to have to leave the store.”

The Razzi family had more family photos than any other family… all thanks to their dad, Papa Razzi.

The theory of relativity… time moves unbelievably slow when you’re with your relatives.

I’m really confused.  I listened to some Beethoven last nite, then some Lady GaGa this morning… which one’s the deaf one?

Anytime I see a picture of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a Cinnabon.

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married… I don’t mean to start any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

By the age of 5 years the human child can walk and feed itself… but it doesn’t yet stray far from home as it still relies on parents for tablet/cell phone charging and other maintenance.

Tip:  never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV during the morning news.

My biological mother put me up for adoption ‘cuz her cat was allergic.

The phrase “I’ll see you in hell!” should immediately be followed by “and I won’t even stop and say hi!”…otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you dislike.

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it really is.

“Do you, Charles Manson, take this woman who is clearly more insane than you to be your lawful wedded wife?”

When life gives you melons… wear something low-cut.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor where I should put my pants… “over there by mine” was not the answer I was expecting.

Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Michael Vick….congratulations NFL! Your woman, child and animal abuse trifecta is now complete.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse… ‘cuz I can change.

It’s gotta be tough for some poor schmuck somewhere who has to say… “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies… for instance, if she throws the knife at you perhaps you should buy her some Midol.

A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day… so I took my dollar back.

One of the local farm workers had a hand amputated recently in a tragic farm accident… fortunately he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.  I see a lot of new faces in the room this week… I’m very disappointed with all of you.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked… so does tequila.

If two cannibals fight… does that make it a food fight?

 

 

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December 12th 2014
Last minute Dixon Toys for Tots

Posted under Independent Voice News Stories & Uncategorized

Last minute Dixon Toys for Tots

Seniors, sign-ups and elves

Santa Claus Holding Finger to Mouth

            As the seven part Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs Inc. nears its 48th consecutive year of operation several things are needed from the community according to the group’s chairman, Ted Hickman.

Hickman said, “We are still taking late signups from those with good excuses why they missed the regular times. If they sign up late this year and do so next year they will be disqualified.”  He added, “Our people are being told by many of those seeking help they have no proof of income because they are being paid in cash. We’ve never heard this before so in reaction to this, if a family is paid in cash they need to bring a letter from their employer stating income along with proof of residence.” Those applying can call Arlene at 707-676-5104.

He said, “If you know a senior citizen who will be alone on Christmas Eve who hasn’t received a visit from one of Santa’s helpers in the past, or you believe they weren’t on the program last year, then email: lindseydawnhickman@gmail.com and someone will contact you.

A call is also going out to fill spots on the six person “Elf” crew working inside shifts with Santa from December 20th-23rd. Past “elves” and those wishing to help need to contact Leslie at 530-794-8250 or email her at headelf@dixontoysfortots.org  Those with past experience with the program will be given first choice of times and dates according to Hickman.

Donations of coats and toys can be left at the following businesses: . Coats and new unwrapped toys can be placed in boxes at the following locations: The UPS Store, Safeway, Denny’s, Solano Baking, Travis Credit Union, Century 21 Real Estate, the Dixon police or Fire Departments, Tractor Supply, First Northern Bank, Bank of America, Cynde’s Place, Cattleman’s, Affordable Auto Care, Ace Hardware, The Scrapbook Store and Dixon Dance Studio, Curves (On Lincoln by the freeway) and Montessori School.

Financial donations can be made at First northern bank, Bank of America or Wells Fargo Bank in the name of Dixon Toys for Tots. The organization is a registered 501C-3 charity and a written receipt will be given for all financial or other sizable donations according to Hickman.

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December 6th 2014
‘Twas just before Christmas…

Posted under Dixon Toys for Tots 2014 & News Stories & Uncategorized

An article from Dixon’s Independent Voice Newspaper

‘Twas just before Christmas

And all through the house…

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            Like the old poem said, paraphrased of course, it’s just before Christmas and all through the house children are chilly… because their parents can’t afford to run the heaters.

The Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs is off and running for the 48th straight year. Six of the seven programs are right on track according to the program’s head, Ted Hickman. Hickman said, “The needed funds are coming in as planned, signs-ups are under way, toys are being stored, food for families and senior baskets are being planned… the only segment lagging is the Coats for Kids.”

For the past few years the coats program has gathered about 1,000 pieces of clean, warm children’s (and adults) clothing, mainly coats. This year, according to Hickman instead of nearing their 1,000 coats goal they only have several hundred. He said, “Of all recent years this is stacking up to be the worst as far the weather is concerned. We have a return of the chilly Tule fog we haven’t seen in a decade and the winter projections, as of now, shows a lot of wet and cold times ahead.”

He said of the 700 to 800 children who will come to Santa’s work shop most all can use new coats and jackets. Not necessarily new, he added, but new for them.

Hickman said Elaine Perry of the Dixon Police Department (678- 7060) and Pam Murdock of Gymboree (685-4485) are coordinating the coat drive effort. Coats and new unwrapped toys can be placed in boxes at the following locations: The UPS Store, Safeway, Denny’s, Solano Baking, Travis Credit Union, Century 21 Real Estate, the Dixon police or Fire Departments, Tractor Supply, First Northern Bank, Bank of America, Cynde’s Place, Cattleman’s, Affordable Auto Care, Ace Hardware, The Scrapbook Store and Dixon Dance Studio, Curves (On Lincoln by the freeway) and Montessori School.

Financial donations can be made at First northern bank, Bank of America or Wells Fargo Bank in the name of Dixon Toys for Tots. The organization is a registered 501C-3 charity and a written receipt will be given for all financial or other sizable donations according to Hickman.

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December 6th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #544 (12-5-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Consider the following: Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be so – enjoy this day while it lasts…

 

Local Cat Napping Resolved…Kind of

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Ty Nelson, a lifelong Dixon resident who lives over on McKinsey Dr. had a family pet they got at a 4-H adopt a pet thing at Tractor supply three years ago. Everyone who has or has had a pet knows they become a member of the family and their trauma becomes your trauma.

To shorten a rather long story somebody in Ty’s neighborhood cat napped their pet “Taylor,” a three year old tortoise shell cat with a fat belly which made it look a bit different from most other cats. Taylor who never strayed far from home mysteriously disappeared on October 23rd and although it had never been gone overnight before they didn’t think that much about it. The next day they thought something was up and in the following days, weeks they worried but never gave up hope Taylor was somehow alive somewhere.

Ty had his suspicions a neighbor may have had a hand in “relocating” their family pet because the guy had trapped raccoons and “relocated” things before. Nelson got more and more aggravated and refused to believe Taylor had taken a dirt nap so in late November he first offered as $500 reward in  a big newspaper ad for the return of the cat and then later another $500 (for a possible total of $1,000) for information on who might have snatched the pretty feline.

The cat had an I.D. chip implanted in its ear when they adopted it so Ty held out hope someone would find it and somehow… someone would find a way to somehow… have a vet look at the cat and discover the chip….

Then as luck would have it, two days short of six weeks on Tuesday of this week Ty got a call from a woman in Yolo County that had their cat. She lives on the other side of Stevenson’s Bridge and six weeks ago saw the cat on the road and when she stopped her car it jumped in so she knew it was someone’s pet. A worker in the area saw the cat being dumped just before that.

After the vet retrieved the ID information from support@petlink.net  she contacted Nelson. She, being from Yolo County didn’t know about the $500 reward but Nelson told her about it and gave her the money. She at first refused but upon his insistence took the reward and said she would use the money to help animals.  Reportedly the guy who saw the cat dumped has been told about the other $500 for information leading to the arrest of the cat napper and is working on the details of identifying the guilty party. Nelson said when the guilty party is proven be will press charges for stealing the animal and for illegally releasing it on a highway. He also said he has a good idea who trapped the mellow house cat.

Nelson said, “Finding it in Yolo County just on the other side of a bridge eliminated the possibility of it running away doesn’t it?” He said he was happy to pay the $500 reward posted in this newspaper and will be just as happy to pay the other $500 when the abductor is identified.

Soooo…Taylor’s home for Christmas and Nelson is out $500, a lady in Yolo County is $500 richer and guilty party may have some legal issues to deal with before long… all-in-all an early Merry Christmas… kind of.

 

Speaking of Christmas… Be Careful

 Santa Claus Holding Finger to Mouth

            As many of you know we are in the midst of operating our 48th consecutive year doing the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs. We’ve learned a lot during these years being a private 501C-3 charity. We have no government involvement and are funded solely by donations from the local businesses, service clubs, Ag community and just regular people.

We encompass all Christmas needs for the less fortunate in the 95620 Zip Code from families with children to senior citizens alone on Christmas Eve. We and our hundreds of volunteers all have the same motivation and beliefs. We work many hours with our only reward being the satisfaction we helped make the holiday season a little brighter for many who were looking at a bleak time.

We like smart do-gooders… we have hundreds helping in Santa’s programs locally. We don’t like stupid do-gooders who are into the Christmas spirit to receive personal satisfaction. After our annual funds are raised (a budget of about $15,000) everything is done in the name of Santa Claus. You want gifts for your kids? They have to come in and see Santa personally and he hands each child their gifts. (When you think you’re too old to sit on Santa’s lap and get a gift from him you’ve eliminated yourself from the program.) You take a basket out to a senior citizen on Christmas Eve and they ask who they thank the response is: “Santa Claus”. You get one of the 1,000 coats collected… yep, thank Santa. Get the point?

 

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            We don’t allow “adopt a family” or “Angle Tree” of any of the other invasive “feel good” programs that let strangers buy their way into the homes of the less fortunate and come baring gifts so they can see “the joy on the children’s faces”.  You can adopt a family through us but the help and gifts go through Santa to get to them. We can’t figure out who in their right mind would give a stranger a family name and information for let them, for a few bucks, buy their way into someone’s home and give gifts to little children… come on, think about this.

What they don’t see is the embarrassment of those who have to suffer such indignities in order to provide something for their family… Especially the older children in the family are mortified about the prospects of announcing they are poor and have to have strangers come into their homes and talk down to them…We don’t do this or condone it. We operated in the true meaning the of the Christmas spirit of selfless giving without the need for face-to-face acknowledgement, personal satisfaction, and thank yous… Go to this site, “Megan’s Law” and see who lives near you!

            The other reason we don’t let strangers buy their way into people’s homes is the staggering number of registered (that’s registered only) sex offenders now living in Solano County…648 that includes 11 in the city of Dixon according to Megan’s Law site. All of our volunteers are subject to background checks and they know and acknowledge it…and we have the police chief and officers plus fire chiefs and firemen working with us throughout the programs…

So if you have to see the “joy” on the family faces to enjoy your holiday look elsewhere to participate. We are not the program with which you want to work.

If you want to see our programs in action and you are a volunteer or donor you are more than welcome to help hand out some 1,000 coats or sit in the shadows and watch Santa work his magic some 700 + times this year.

 

More Things For Thought2014 Smikley - Copy

 Well this really sucks.  I loaned a guy $10,000 for plastic surgery… now I don’t know what he looks like.

I just saw a piece of aluminum foil blow across the road… which one of you is without your protective headgear today?

 When I was young none of my friends believed my parents were middle aged… until they heard “child! Dost thou desire nourishment?”

Now that we’ve replaced the carpeting with wood there’s only one good use for the vacuum cleaner with the headlight… waking the dog up thinking he’s being hit by a train.

The neighbors all seemed to be impressed by the screaming and banging they heard in the middle of the night… little do they know we were just chasing a spider.

 Just learned an important lesson… when texting “wish you were here” that last “e” sorta makes it or breaks it.

Sometimes I’m right… and sometimes the wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Life is filled with decisions… I took the batteries out of my smoke detector ‘cuz I’d rather die in a fire than have to get up to change the channel.

 A friend called and cancelled our lunch date three days in a row… I’m beginning to think she doesn’t like lunch.

Never underestimate the value of stretching… the truth.

 Keep in mind that if you don’t have a dog whistle you can substitute two teenage girls who haven’t seen each other in a couple of weeks.

I’m not a real demonstrative individual… I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

 I know I’m getting old… today I saw a beautiful 20-year old girl and I wondered what her mother looks like.

Hate it when the clerk asks me “how are things going today” when I’m paying for a 40 oz. Beer with change.

Dated a girl who said she didn’t think safe sex was such a good idea… after all, what if you forgot the combination and got locked in?

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world… in Alabama it’s an accusation.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society… and it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites… this is one easy way to differentiate if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark.

 Statistically six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy.

My parents never formally asked me to run away from home… there were, however, many unexplained one-way greyhound tickets lying around the house.

 The idea that you evolved from apes is rather disgusting… don’t you find it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children? 

It’s true!  The amount of cycling clothes one wears is directly proportional to their level of douchebaggery.

 What’s the difference between regular coffee and decaf… all coffee comes from the coffee plant, coffee with caffeine is made from the coffee bean while decaffeinated coffee is made from the dirt it grows in.

I’ve decided to shave my legs so there is less wind resistance when I run to the refrigerator for a beer during a commercial.

When the pharmacy was being held-up I was the one who heroically soiled himself and squealed like a little girl in an attempt to incapacitate the robbers with laughter.

 Juicing changed my life… I went from being overweight to being overweight and owning a juicer.

 Two middle-aged men have held up a local drug store to obtain all the Viagra… their making a movie of it entitled “die hard, the final sequel”.

 

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November 29th 2014
Dixon Toys for Tots/ Ted Hickman

Posted under Dixon Toys for Tots 2014

48th Dixon Toys for Tots Kicks off Christmas Drive

Santa Claus Holding Finger to Mouth

            Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs Inc. began its 48 continuous year of operation by announcing the starting of its sign up dates for families, coat drive and Christmas schedule.

Over 4,00 flyers announcing the time and place for families to sign up for the programs will be going home with every student  in the Dixon Unified School District on Monday, Dec. 1.

The sign-ups will be held for four evenings from 6:30 to 8 p.m. on December 2, 3, 4 and 5th at the Dixon Fire Department on Ford Way. At that time parents are asked to bring proof of residency in the 95620 zip code, proof of income and their students ID cards if the children are in school. When approved each family will be given a time to come and visit Santa Claus where they will receive gifts and possibly coats.

According to programs chairperson, Ted Hickman, “Everyone interested in taking part in any of the programs need to attend one of the four scheduled sign up times. Volunteers interested in helping with the intake applications can call Arlene Jimenez at 707-676-5104”.

 

1,000 “Coats for Kids” needed

            The Dixon Toys for Tots/Coats for Kids drive is in full swing with the goal again set at 1,000 warm, clean children’s coats. Heading this drive will be Elaine Perry from the Dixon Police Department (707-678-7070) and Pam Murdock from Gymboree (707-685-4485).

Coats can be dropped off at either the police or fire departments or any of the 16 sites around town and should be received before December 18th.  Clean warm coats of all kinds are needed and utilized from newborn to adult sizes.

The coats are handed out to the families when they come to see Santa Claus just before Christmas. The many coats for kids programs around today started in Dixon 45 years ago and has spread far and wide since then.

 

Drop off spots Around Dixon

            The Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas donation boxes have been distributed all over Dixon at 16 locations to collect coats and toys.

According to the organization’s chairperson, Ted Hickman, “We have 16 businesses which have volunteered to act as collection locations for this local charity. The boxes are set up at the following locations to collect both coats and new, unwrapped toys”:  First Northern Bank and Bank of American downtown along with Cynde’s Place, Affordable Auto Care, the police department, fire department, Tractor Supply, Ace Hardware, Cattlemen’s, the Scrapbook Store and Dixon Dance Studio, (On Lincoln) Denny’s, Century 21 M&M Real Estate office, Travis Credit Union, UPS Store, Safeway and Solano Baking Company.

Hickman said, “If you are going to any of these locations you can place your items in the boxes and if you need a receipt just add a note along with it and we will get you one. The several hundred member all-volunteer local organization is a 501-C-3 registered charity”.

Cash/checks donations for any of the seven programs can be made at the Frist Northern Bank, Bank of America and Wells Fargo in the name of Dixon Toys for Tots.

 

Senior Program

The Senior Citizen Christmas Eve visitation program is beginning with the collection of names of seniors who will be alone on Christmas Eve.  This program puts together about 100 boxes on Christmas Eve Day for seniors, which are then delivered early on Christmas Eve.

Volunteers are needed to help make the deliveries starting about 4:30 on December 24th and to notify committee chairperson, Lindsey Hickman, with names of seniors who may qualify for a visit from one of Santa’s helpers. Hickman can be reached at lindseydawnhickman@gmail.com.

 

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November 29th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #543 (11-28-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the

government take care of him, better take a closer look at the American Indian.”Henry Ford

 

 

I Guess You’re Stuck With Me!

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Haven’t got the congratulations from Barack yet but have from about everyone else including most member of the Board of Supervisors, Senator Wolk and Assemblywoman Yamada, Greg Coppes (the first to know by the way) plus many others. Looks like I will be sworn in (or at) at the December 2, city council meeting at which time they will officially accept the results as final.

Let’s see I was elected and served four years in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s. I wrote off the 90’s because they were meaningless and the start of the new millennium… but now I’m back. I intend to set a new record for the number of years served. If I make it through this term that will be 16 years and I’m not sure if anyone has done that before.

As one of your city fathers to be ( I’m just pregnant with ideas and look forward to working with the other members of the council) we want to thank the 1,400 + folks who voted for me.

BTW…What you see is what you get… I’ll try not to embarrass you and to do good… That’s it. No chicken in every pot or anything like that. Maybe a Santa visit for all underprivileged kids but that’s about it… and working on the big picture and the major issues that face us all.

One current thing I do like is the anti-bum ordinance Vacaville is working on. It specifies where and when people can beg you for money… They are spending a lot of money to get it legally refined… we should just borrow a copy when they are done.

 

 

 

Dirty Bird

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A Dixon man, John Kett, received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.  Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude  by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched  arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude  As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask  what the turkey did?”

 Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving!

 

More Things For Thought2014 Smikley - Copy

 

They say proctologists are poor credit risks… they’re always in arrears.

The wife was out of town and I got lonely so I hired a hooker… to come over and fall asleep on the couch at 9 pm.

Did you hear about the adult python?   He swallowed both a male and a female rabbit… no one needs to feed him any longer.

A knife is a far more mysterious weapon than a gun… a gun is obvious, but a knife makes you wonder, is it going to stab someone, open a letter, or frost a cake?

Top uses for a golf ball… describing hail storms, describing tumors, playing golf.

I’m not feeling myself today… would you do it for me?

The wife and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 pounds.  I’m thinking of leaving her… but I’d like to lose another 10 pounds before I do.

I don’t think my blind date was really blind… she read the menu fine.

For Jesus it was anything but a Good Friday.

 Whenever I drink I seem to turn into Jason Bourne… I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally and I have a need to evade the law.

Linda at work calls it a cape… but I know a crappy shawl when I see one.

This anti-smoking ad on TV says “3 out of 5 smokers die”…. do the other two become immortal?

When Jesus reviewed the bill after the last supper he wondered “Why would anyone order wine?”

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is?”

Actually, I thought “fifty shades of gray” was about the meat at taco bell.

I find it disappointing that the closest I’ll ever get to “hulking-out” is when I split my pants when I bend over.

My favorite yoga position is “try to cut the toenail.”

 My wife says I’m a clueless fool… I didn’t even know I had a wife.

The best way to pick up a woman at Wal-Mart… bend your knees, keep the back straight, lift with your legs.

The new neighbors moved in today and I took them a box of condoms… just my way of letting them know I really don’t want any more children on our street.

 

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous… but backwards it’s even more stupid.

If you get a new job before you quit the old one it’s considered “responsible”… so why if you do that with your girlfriend is it called “cheating”?

It was announced this morning that India launched a rocket to mars… helluva place to establish a call center.

Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.

I’m an adult… I can eat a cupcake for breakfast and call it a muffin if I want.

Women treat me like God… they only talk to me when they want something.

Whenever I’m feeling low I grab a pen and write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits… today I wrote the boss’s obituary.

 Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night… funny, I was there and I never noticed him.

The rumor is that the first Mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

My grandkids were playing cowboys and Indians… one is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

 

 

Dear Ted, (From the email bag…)

2014thanks

(I’ve been talking about this for months and no one is listening.                       Hear about the train derailment Tuesday… not good, not good at all.)

Don’t let your town be the site of the next oil train disaster. Right now Phillips 66 is fighting to upgrade its Santa Maria refinery to begin receiving mile-long oil trains carrying highly toxic crude (and flammable), and if approved they’ll soon be rolling near your town – from Sacramento to Los Angeles (thru Dixon).

We can’t let that happen. More oil was spilled by these old and unsafe tanker cars last year than in the past four decades combined.

The San Luis Obispo Board of Supervisors will make the final call on this proposal on Nov. 24 – a decision ultimately on whether or not to do business with companies transporting Canadian tar sands, the worst polluting crude on the planet.
Act now and tell the San Luis Obispo County Planning Commission and Board of Supervisors to protect our towns and reject Phillips 66’s oil train proposal. (Photo of oil train protest courtesy Flickr/Light Brigading.) From: The Center for Biological Diversity

 

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November 22nd 2014
That’s Life©1966 #542 (11-21-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

2014jfk

One week after my birthday, tomorrow Nov. 22, 1963 JFK was shot…do you remember it or where you were when it happened?

Fat Lady Doing The Scales

2014jfk1

            A lot of people want to know about the election results and if the numbers have changed… they did a little. The spread between me and third place stays the same so it looks like the fat lady may sing before long (Remember Yogi Bera’s “It ain’t over till the fat lady sings”… referring to his opinion of opera and the real end of things). Mike Ceremello called and said he was conceding the election and had a two word concession speech…”Bite me”. He also said Ourania Riddle told him there were hundreds of mail-in ballots at the post office that were taken directly to the polling places on election eve… hum…suppose the P.O. and the county are in cahoots to keep Mike from getting elected… I told him to call Ose/Bera for advice.

The county expects to maybe have ALL of the final results, maybe, by today… or so. All of those who crunch numbers and know a lot more about elections than I do say it is a done deal… there are not enough votes left to be counted to make any major changes with six players involved… So I may indeed, once again, become one of your city fathers… Does that make my first wife Linda a city mother?

If so children, your city father would say, remember I can’t promise any miracles I’d be only one vote in five but the other four, especially the three with two years to go on their terms may well listen to some of the things I have to say. I’m not Mike Ceremello and Mike is not me. I fight to win wars, not battles, and we have some very important pressing issues facing our city.

 

I Didn’t Agree To This Carp

d16

 

Anybody ask you about any of the following? They didn’t me:

  1. How did “illegal aliens” become “undocumented residents”? How does an illegal alien get back into the U.S. several times and end up killing two Northern California sheriff’s deputies. Of the 11 million or so now living here how many are criminals in their home country. How many have a variety of diseases like TB or Aids? How many are child molesters or rapists? No one knows and no one is asking are they? WTF?
  2. How and when did bums, who just don’t want to work, become homeless individuals we have to feed, clothe, buy booze get free drugs and find housing for?
  3. Who told your governor we wanted to build twin water funnels to help keep the toilets and swimming pools down south filed with delta water? Does he care it will drain the delta and kill most ranching and farming plus wildlife… Who asked for this? Not me. Maybe the mega bucks from L.A.?
  4. Who said it was ok to transport 80,000 barrels of toxic, high flammable crude oil through Dixon 24/7… at way to high of a rate of speed? Sure as hell not me. We need over passes now before a projected earthquake hits and half of our citizens become French fries when one of these rolling time bombs flops over and explodes.
  5. Who said it was OK to take all of San Francisco’s hospital waste and dump in just downwind of us in our landfill… when the south wind blows just don’t breathe the airborne pathogens and you’ll probably ok.
  6. Why do to you have to have I.D. to drive a car, cash a check or use a credit card but not to vote. There are some idiots out there championing to let the 11,000,000 undocumented Democrats vote without showing any ID… Great idea huh? Starting shortly “undocumented residents” can get a Ca. driver’s license which they can use as I.D. DMV is putting on extra 1,000 workers to help (with us footing the bill of course) the illegal aliens get a legal driver’s license…Who besides the state assembly said that was OK?
  7. Who approved illegal aliens getting California driver’s licenses? Or a college education or free everything we have to pay for: Health, dental, food, housing, education… etc. Who is it that makes these changes without asking us?
  8. How about the brilliant minds that built the high school with only one way in and out? In the event of a disaster can you image the mess and danger of hundreds of folks/vehicles trying to get in and out? There’s a back road to Pedrick that needs to be explored.
  9. I have no problem with undocumented folks getting documents and becoming citizens through the front door as millions of Americans have done… as a matter of fact I encourage and support it. I am not in favor of “amnesty” of 11,000,000 or so criminals i.e., illegal aliens, now called undocumented residents, getting a mass pardon and automatically becoming “citizens”. Are you? Can they read, write, are they sick, child molesters, rapists, killers? Can they support themselves and their families, are they escaping criminals charges in their own country… Countries are dumping their undesirables on us with your president’s blessing. He has even ordered local law enforcement to take a “hands off” approach to illegal aliens…WTF? … Look at Detroit, thanks Obama.
  10. Who said this was OK? I mean seriously WTF?

I think we need to close our borders before the Ebola crowd descends upon us for treatment and just refuses to obey our wishes like the dumb broad back east who said she wouldn’t be confined for the incubation period because she knew more than the doctors…and just went out in the public…she could have been the new typhoid Mary and what would she have said…”I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to kill so many people”. Who said this was OK? Not me for sure.

The liberals need to toughen up and the conservatives need to lighten up and remember this is the USA and it should always be American first…

  1. Who said it was OK to spend BILLIONS in the sand overseas on zillions of zealots who don’t like us, don’t trust us and want us to be like them? Pull our troops out and let them kill each other…they have for centuries and will again if and when we ever leave. They promise death to all of us infidels… I’m all in favor of turning the whole region back to sand and let them start over again… Or let the military take control and finally give us a chance to win a war instead of having a “neighborhood organizer” call the shots.

The point of this rant is Americans feel helpless… the majority didn’t even vote in this past election… Nobody asks us anything. The government just takes and takes and some yahoo makes these stupid decisions and we are helpless to do anything about it… except pay for it. Change is coming, it has to. The system is broken, the powers to be work for themselves and not those who elected them. We have become a nation of weenies lead by a man in which even his own party and country has no faith.

 

 

More Things For Thought

2014 Smikley - Copy

 

When my grandkids finally figure out the Jamaicans, the Irish and wizards don’t all have the same accents I’m probably going to get fired from story time.

A customer almost died in front of me today… but then I made myself slowly count to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari you are bound by ethics to offer me some of your food… legally it’s called “squid pro quo”.

I’d like to offer a big shout out to the waitress who checked my ID the other night, and then ruined the quaint charm of the moment by saying, “wow. Your… your like older than my dad!”

The cop took a long look around the potato splattered room and then said “I’ve never seen anything like it”… he then took a long drag on his cigarette and added, ‘it was a mashacrre”.

People ask me what I’m really into these says… I answer “debt”.

Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.

Customers never cease to amaze me.  Today some guy came in and said “I want to return this gum… it tastes awful”… I said, “Sir, that’s not gum, its Band-Aids.”…. “Oh, well, I want to return these Band-Aids.  Some fools been eating them”.

I did a somersault for the first time in years today… I know that’s not really something to write about but I’m getting bored laying here waiting for the paramedics.

Had trouble sleeping this morning… they added a trumpet to the band in the early church service.

Ya know, duct tape can fix almost anything but it can’t fix stupidity… but it can muffle it.

When the kids were little and a solicitor would call we used to hand one of them the phone and say “It’s Barney for you.”

I’m an ok dancer until I whip out my finger guns… then I’m just majestic.

I spotted a spider in the bedroom so I did what any red-blooded American man would do… I started an argument with the wife so I could sleep on the couch.

Give a woman an inch… and she probably won’t call you again.

 I’m old enough to remember being the TV remote.

I’m really happy with it being shorter and the ladies seem to like it that way too… what I say to my barber.

Oh, ok… I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite… but good call.

My neighbor finally confronted me about clothing missing from his clothes line… I nearly filled his pants.

I lost my balance on an escalator… fell down the stairs for two hours.

A lady friend asked me what I look for in a relationship… “A way out” was apparently the wrong answer.

When they say all expenses paid… does that include bail?

I just watched a fifteen-year old girl who was busy texting walk head long into a lamp post… I’m no longer an atheist.

We were at the beach and a guy out in the water was yelling “Help! Shark!”… we all just laughed.  We knew that shark wasn’t going to help.

 Like most parents my wife and I love to watch our beautiful son while he sleeps… freaks his wife out, though.

In China the labels on stuff reads “Made by someone you know”.

I spent about 10 minutes watching someone try and parallel park… I didn’t actually see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

I just opened the freezer door and the vodka bottle just kind of rolled out into my hands… no way am I going to ignore this sign from God.

I told my kids and grandkids they could no longer call me dad or gramps but only by my professional titles… connoisseur of lukewarm, half-eaten food, broken toy engineer, and butt-wipeologist.

Word of the day….Obama:  I opened a bottle of scotch and drank it Obama self.

 

zzzzmzrijuna

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November 16th 2014
That’s Life©1966 #541 (11-14-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Déjà vu all over again”…This isn’t my first race so I know “It ain’t over till it’s over”… Déjà vu, (i/ˌdʒɑː ˈv/) from French, literally “already seen”, is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.

 

Just Quoting My Favorite Speech Guy

2014yogi1 2014 yogi

            Everywhere we go people keep congratulating me/us on winning the city council election. The kind of final results are expected by today, Friday, from Solano County… but then they really can’t say for sure. They have until Dec. 2 to present the final counts to the board of supervisors so who knows?  Maybe the results will be available by the next election.

Scott Pederson pulled away a little and took over first place after the initial results were made public. I was 70 some votes behind him and Mike Ceremello was like 70 some votes behind me. As of late Scott was like 150 ahead of me and Mike was like 50 some behind me… So, like my best word speaking hero Yogi Bera would say: “It ain’t over till the fat lady sings.” She apparently is still warming up… so I’ve been telling people Yogi’s truism, “It ain’t over till it’s over” and it ain’t over until its official which we think it might be… sometime for sure.

Here’s some more of Yogi’s (New York Yankees/Mets baseball manager, Hall of Famer and former pro catcher) acclaimed statements: “The future ain’t what it used to be…I never said most of the things I said…you should go to other people’s funerals otherwise they won’t come to yours…you would have won if we hadn’t beaten you (Mike?) …he hits from both sides of the plate he’s amphibious…it gets late early out there…nobody goes there anymore it’s too crowded…you can observe a lot by just watching…if you come to a fork in the road just take it…if you don’t know where you’re going you might end up someplace else…baseball is ninety per cent mental and other half is physical…I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia, let the walk to school like I did”. Yogi was a very successful player and manager in spite of not quite having the same linguistic abilities as KoKo the signing gorilla. But, he gave the world some beauties to talk about like… “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six”…

City hall folks are just as up in the air as the rest of us. According to sources who know about such stuff, mathematically the results shouldn’t change much based on voting trends… I just asked people to hold their congrats until its official because, as we all know, strange things can happen…

Take Yogi’s cousin Ami Bera who’s running for congress against Doug Ose. Election night he was 3,000 votes behind. The last time I heard he was about 500 (or by now probably even ahead) votes behind with about 30,000 votes of different kinds still to be counted. A similar thing happened the last time he ran and was behind at first only to win when the later votes came in… once again proving Yogi’s wisdom.

In our case it’s only about 700 votes that were still out split between Vacaville and Dixon… don’t ask me how these two gobs of votes got stuck together.  As a matter of fact I don’t even know how the county voter’s registrar’s office functions… and how, with only one job to do, they can screw it up so badly.

 

More Things For Thought

2014 Smikley - Copy

*I’m really quite disappointed by the vote in Scotland… I’m pretty sure it was our only chance to see Shrek on a flag.

*Tarantulas really make a pretty good pet… and when they die rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

*My neighbor told me he had a really great wife… but then her husband came and took her home.

*People tend to overlook Dracula’s positive attributes… such as when he’s in his bat form he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

*I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone… I’m gonna have to read it upside down.

*I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem… I threw my scale out.

*Ebola has been in this country for maybe a week and people are panicking and wearing masks… AIDS has been here for years and people still won’t wear a protection.

*She asked me for time and distance… I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

*I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy… but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape and some stamps.

*They say that exercising 15 minutes a day adds 3 years to our lifespan… the real bitch being it adds it to your eighties, not your twenties.

*Why would anyone want a baby? It’s just another thing you have to clean.

*The body is 70% water… so I’m not really fat, I’m flooded.

*One of the boys asked me where babies come from… I said “pal, go ask your mom.  I’m still having trouble with why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t”.

*May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean.

*It seems kind of intimidating and formal to call it a “paternity test”… let’s just call it a “pop quiz”.

*I had nothing to do tonight so I was just eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underwear… WTF?  How did Judge Judy get in my house and why is she wearing my skivvies?

*”Well, that can’t be right!”… What dogs must think when they see us catching a ball with our hands.

*”At the same time” requires more keystrokes than “simultaneously”… the point being having a good vocabulary helps you type gooder.

*Immortality sounded great when I was in my thirties… but now in my sixties it just sounds exhausting.

*I don’t understand all these Chinese restaurants that post signs in the window “NO MSG!”… Who would want to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t allow texting?

*A few years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and the mother of my children… it was awkward at first but they all seem to get along now.

*Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”.

*I once dated a girl who thought windmills were solar powered.

*I remember staying in a motel that was so seedy the Gideon Bible in the nightstand only had seven commandments.

*That clown that ran thru the White House could go to prison for 10 years… just one more reason I don’t run.

*In the interests of workplace safety my store has put up signs all over that say “CAUTION: OPEN DOORS SLOWLY”… my best time so far is seven minutes.

*Five years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date.  Today at 3pm I asked the same girl to marry me… she said “no” both times.

*I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White’s heroin addiction.

*Our local mortician admitted he always ties the shoelaces of the deceased together… if the zombie apocalypse ever happens it’s going to be hilarious.

*If people would moan loudly during the TSA security pat-downs the line would probably move much faster.

 

Just Got Re-Certified

2014 ref badge 1

There are some big changes coming in the world of soccer refereeing… I just attended a re-certification clinic Monday night in Sacramento for USSF Instructors from all over Northern California. The stud duck over instructors’ lives right here in Dixon…Alberto Marin. Alberto is a National emeritus referee, a state instructor and assessor. There were instructors in the class from as far away as Alturas.  So what about it?

New entry referee clinics to be taught will have to enroll and take part of the on line. They will need to do a lot of reading, take mini-quizzes and pass a 50 question test.  Then they can attend a 12 hour course (8 hours classroom and four hour in the field, down from 16) to complete their training and receive their certification if they pass. Those 19 who just became ref’s in the recent Dixon class I taught are the last bunch to be trained that way. It is the way of the future and the internet will play a big part, from registration to advanced training and updates on rules and regulations… What if you don’t have a computer? Better find one or don’t plan on becoming a soccer referee.

 

PROOFREADING:  A ‘DYING’ ART

Amy#1

A man received the following text message from his neighbor: I am so sorry mate. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around, in fact more than you.  I do not get it at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text message came in: Bloody auto spell!  I meant “Wifi”, not “wife” sorry.

 

WO-shit

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November 1st 2014
That’s Life©1966 #539 (10-31-14)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

How about them Giants!

 2104z

 

 

With Halloween today and Election Day coming at least these beggars are wearing masks. Don’t even send me the tasteless wisecracks about not believing that Muslims celebrated Halloween… I won’t use them.

2014zz

 

Election Day coming this Tuesday…

        

 LT2 - CopyLT4 - CopyLT3 - Copy

 

 The trio pictured above: Bassinette, Bogue and Pederson want to bring you four more years of what we’ve just had. If you like the stupid $7 million taxpayer hole downtown,(and they want to build another) your sewage rate doubled and your water rate tripled, and more low income housing, then by all means vote for these guys. They’ve all taken money from those who have special interests. They’ve complained they haven’t been getting their share of publicity in this paper… So here you go, right in the best read part of the paper. Happy now? I’m giving up some of my valuable column space to help you out. Now complain about this. I offered this space to you three to disprove anything written that was untrue and not a peep…a lot of whining but nada on the fact side.

The biggest problem is that many voters don’t know what they don’t know.

LT7

 

1500 people signed petitions saying “Let us Vote” remember… Now’s your chance! Don’t forget to vote Tuesday or mail in your ballots!

This is the last bit on the election (I know, thank goodness, enough is enough right?) so we need to concentrate on important things like how to keep the kids dry on Halloween. Of all of the nights of the year during the drought why did the wicked witches conjure up rain on beggar’s night? How cruel…

Sounds like something MAC and Mac D. might do.  I can see them now standing around their cauldrons stirring their special brew wearing their high black pointed hats. They are trying to come up with a potion that will make people vote the way they want them to. They tried filling the air with their poisonous rantings now they may be trying something new…A liquid to slip in drinks at the local watering holes.

Wait till they find out about the surprise their arch enemy Mike Ceremello has planned for the last days before the election. Even this big money political group known as DPAC, the “Dixon Political Action Committee” (Really stands for “Dumb People Always Comply”) will be surprised by this.

 

Missing Wife

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A husband went to the Dixon Police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height  Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant :  Build?Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband :  2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP.  8-speed paddle-shift automatic

transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door…  at this point the husband started crying…
Sergeant : Don’t worry sir… We’ll find your car.

 

What, No Stork?

yyyyyfrog moving

Six year old Annie returns home from her Dixon school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks: “Oh… How did it go?”
“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.” Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

 

More Things For Thought!

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We were out hunting in the foothills and Smokey the Bear approached us wearing that silly hat and smoking a huge cigar… he took a puff then pitched it into the dry brush and said “no one will ever believe you.” Shoulda shot him.

The wind blew a smart car into my lane… I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

I’m not against half-naked women waitressing in bars… at least not as often as I’d like to be.

A police officer pulled me over and asked if I knew what the speed limit was… heck, I’m not getting paid to tell him his job!

I had a few too many beers at a Dixon art exhibition and threw up all over the wall… someone offered me three grand for it.

I’ve decided to do something about my weight… lie.

65% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean… now we know why SpongeBob is yellow.

I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity over nachos… but an apple?

My dad told me fire engines are painted red for camouflage… so they can sneak up on fires without being noticed.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is to wear the same clothes every day.

Just remember, if your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station… it’s not appropriate for court.

Saw a guy I know to be a police officer today dressed as an airline pilot… must be a “plane clothes cop”.

At work I always greet people with “morning” not “good morning”…. if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed.

Apparently there are two types of towels in my bathroom… one type to dry your hands with and one to touch if you want your fingers broken.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat at one time… the rest of me is filled with pizza.

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Men don’t ignore women they just have “selective hearing”… for instance tell them how to roast a turkey and they’ll only remember “breast, thighs, moist and hot”.

Yes, that is a banana in my pocket AND yes, I am glad to see you… why must these things seemingly be mutually exclusive?

If jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they have bunk beds?

I totally understand how batteries must feel… I’m rarely included in things either.

Seriously, soup… if I wanted to drink my lunch I’d go to a bar.

 I find it ironic that Spielberg’s movie about Abe Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

Most of my co-workers seem to work on the “principle of rockets”… by that I don’t mean they aim for the sky, rather they do nothing until their tail is on fire.

 Yes, dear… I’m absolutely positive arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq.

Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

It’s amazing that no one at this swim-up bar has had to leave to go to the restroom in the three hours I’ve been here.

Three things you can never get back… a word after it’s been said, time after it’s passed, and your pen if I really like it. 

I think IKEA would be more profitable if, like LEGO, they would show you 3 or 4 other things you could make from the same materials if you didn’t like what you bought.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled……because Jesus took the wheel.

 

 

 2014zzzz

 

I’m just waiting for a dirtball to pick the wrong house to burglarize and we get to hear about instant justice being legally applied. That will cut down on the break-ins.

 

2014zzzzz

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November 1st 2014
“Dream Team” or Nightmare Read this before you decide

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman, a Dixon Realtor

LT4 - Copy

Dixon has never seen an election like this where one candidate blatantly lies about his city position, makes false claims about housing and is supported by the majority of the present council and developers. Current appointed city treasurer, Scott Pederson (who has taken a lot of money from those interested in just building more houses) mailed out an expensive four color flyer saying among other things, that he is the “Current Elected City Treasurer” (Dixon City Hall says this isn’t so).  He is backed by Richland Land Development Company and the California Association of Realtors plus all of the unions. He then said in an interview with the Vacaville Reporter: “Dixon hasn’t built a home since 2006…and because of that we have no revenue to move Dixon forward.” Seriously, this is what he said while touting his “fiscal skills”.

Scott apparently doesn’t know that the city has built a lot of low income housing, a big senior citizen complex and a whole subdivision is now going up by the high school, all since 2006… and this guy wants you to trust him and his expertise. He apparently doesn’t realize that the building of more housing to make his backers more money, only increase the strain on our community services and that the real need is for businesses which will produce more employment and sales tax revenue…Yet he wants your vote.

A Dixon real estate sale woman, Marianne MacDonald, (apparently doing anything to sell more houses) wrote a letter to the editor saying Scott could be the foundation of a “dream team” which already includes the group that brought you the $7 million dollar hole downtown, the double sewage rates (while rejecting a vote of the people) the triple water rates and the plans for another underpass…This is a dream team alright… but some dreams are nightmares and this is one.

You’ve got a documented liar backed by a big real estate sales person and association, a land developer and all of the unions who doesn’t even know housing has, and is being built. He is billing himself as the current ELECTED city treasurer when in fact he was appointed by the very same city council that is backing him for an open seat. Ouch!

The public has a simple choice on Tuesday. They can elect this guy to this current “dream team” and we can have at least two more years of what we’ve had for the last four. Or voters can reject this guy and the two incumbents and breathe some fresh air into an otherwise stale and high questionable city government which voters mistakenly put in place the last election.

 

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