March 24th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #667 (3-24-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Democrats Support Anti-Rock Legislation…

 

True story: A man landed in intensive care after being struck in the head with a rock during a fight last Thursday afternoon in Suisun City, according to police. At about 3 p.m. on March 16, officers received a call about a fight in the 700 block of Monte Carlo Drive. When they arrived, they found a 29-year-old man on the ground with a head wound. He was apparently hit during a fight with two other men, who fled in a late model black Volvo with two female passengers, according to police.

The People’s Republic of Davis has asked for new legislation (a new rule) outlawing rocks on all college campuses, keeping them at least 1,000 feet  away from all schools and making a permit from the DOJ necessary for possession.

 

Turkey Season Opens Tomorrow

(See related story in today’s newspaper or below here)

Speaking Of Turkey

 First let me say about local government; I know a few care, most don’t. This is about the type of city government we have and the type a few people want.

 

  1. Here’s the form of government we have: It is a city manager form. There is also a strong mayor form which we don’t have. Under our form of government the public elects a mayor and four council people to represent them. The mayor is essentially elected independently to more or less run the city council meetings. That position has some limited special duties like proclamations and appointments (with council ratification) and is a member of various outside groups representing the city.

Neither the mayor nor council people can order any city employee to do anything. Any three members of the council can order the city manager to do whatever they deem needed. The city manager either complies or the council finds a new city manager.

Each council member has various duties and committees to which they are assigned. The council meets the second and fourth Tuesday of each month and meets in “closed session” before many meetings to discuss either personnel (labor negations) or legal matters. All closed session matters are strictly confidential but when any vote is taken the results are made public.

The city manager runs the day to day activities of the city and is the city’s lead negotiator with the six various unions within the city employee groups. If the council wants anything done they turn to the city manager who either does it or gets it done. He hires and fires (or oversees it) all employees including the police and fire chiefs. Only the city attorney and city manager are hired and/or fired by the majority of the council.

It’s quite simple really. The city is a multi-million dollar big business run by a CEO (city manager) and over seen by a board of directors (city council). The taxpayers are the stockholders and they elected their directors, keep them when they do good and boot them when they fail…easy enough to understand huh?

 

A Few Want Changes Made Just Because

 

  1. Mike Ceremello… said in his column last week: “I will refrain from personally insulting any member of the council or city staff.” Then Ceremello with his mental instability growing worse by the week, attacks the three members of the council he can’t control and builds up his protégée as he continues to guide him down the path of ruin… just like he did to himself.
    Small but vocal groups (consisting mostly of Mike Ceremello) think they know what’s better for this city than the collective city council has deemed is in the best interest of the citizens.
  2. Understand Ceremello: 1. Lost his city council seat. 2. Ran for mayor and lost and has been bitter ever since.  Ran for council again and I supported him and he lost again and I was elected instead. 4. Recently, at the last election, ran for city treasurer and a young man with no experience, background or knowledge of the position trounced him although Mike was way educationally more qualified for the position than most of our citizens.
  3. The Ceremelloittes (two maybe three people) had the new mayor convinced the city manager shouldn’t be the lead negotiator in dealing with the city’s six unions… the people he oversees on a daily basis. The new mayor proposed we hire an outside negotiator and brought it up to the council without apparently checking the cost. The council informed him/them (the same group that has complained about the city manager’s salary) that it would cost about $100,000 for each negotiator for each group… $600,000 that the city manager does as part of his job. The new mayor’s suggestion didn’t get very far.
  4. This one man group led by and chaired by and owned by and governed by Ceremello wants the city to keep the water company he had them buy when he was on the council years ago. They didn’t check into the infrastructure apparently and now it is operating at a deficient and projects costs of about -$14,000,000 (million) to repair the old system. Water rates are going out of sight and I’ve been calling for the city to sell this turkey ASAP…. and Ceremello is fighting this too… go figure. Yep, take a private specialized company (SID) and give it to the bureaucrats to run and things will be better.
  5. Ceremello wrote in his column (in response to me calling him a professed know it all) that he does indeed know it all and is smarter than everyone else and won’t apologize for it he says he can’t help it. He has also sniveled about being the self-appointed government watchdog and bemoans the fact he is the lone ranger in that he has to fight the public’s battles (as he see them) for everyone else who is to lazy to support him on his grand quests.
  6. For those of you who are starting to see a clearer picture here, Mike sees himself as an embarrassingly sixth member of the council. He even showed up at the new COP swearing in ceremony in a ratty old white shirt with the city logo on it and flip flops. He has made it his full time vocation to go to every meeting he can and speak on every subject calling the city attorney a liar and city staff members idiots. He says he knows more than all of them about any of their jobs… more about the law, city government, public works…etc. You get the idea. He obviously has a problem or two and he is doing this now because he is running for a council seat what will come up for election in 2018. Guess he figures the public will forget his costly antics (he has reportedly cost the taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in the last several years to no avail, not so cute now huh?) the taxpayers must bear… and the fifth time is the charm?

The point of all of this is you have five individuals you elected to serve you on the council…Ceremello, the Don Quixote of Dixon, must be allowed to be who and what he is at public meeting… by law, and he abuses the privilege… so before you buy into any of his “expert” ideas… just consider the source. Just weigh his opinions against the city council and our professional city employees… you know, the idiots and liars.

 

 

More Things For Thought

*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying.  We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.

*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.

*Surprise parties are great!  First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.

*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.

*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.

*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.

*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.

*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.

*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.

*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?

*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!

*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!

*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation?  That fool just leans on the darn door bell.

*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!

*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!” 

*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.

*The wife finally found her sleep number.  Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.

*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.

*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.

*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.

*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!

*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.

*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?

*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.

*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?

*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!

*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.

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March 24th 2017
Wild Turkey Season Opens Saturday

Posted under That's Life Columns

Turkey Season Starts Tomorrow

By Ted Hickman, Outdoor Editor

(Pictured is me and our granddaughter, Kaylee, with her first turkey a couple of years ago)

            Yep, this Saturday the pilgrim in many of us will take hold and we’ll dress up like its Halloween with full camo, get out our shotguns (that we just put away from duck/pheasant seasons) and hunt the big and wary California Wild Turkey (not the one you drink). Many will be in the fields and wooded areas Saturday way before sunrise and sit in their secluded spot that has been thoroughly vetted for turkeys.

As one sits in the chilly dark and moist mooring air twilight begins to creep into the area chasing away night. Suddenly you begin to hear chirping, purring and the loud gobble that sends chills through your already cold body. The sound is coming from nearby trees where birds as big as 10 to 15 to 20 pounds have spent the night. They are announcing their wake up and sending messages to each other. Then you hear the loud flapping of wings and then birds on the ground with soft clucks and loud gobbles coming from several directions. You get your call ready and start making purring and clucking hen sounds hoping to lure one of the horney gobblers within gun range (you’re right in the middle of breeding season). They can’t use camouflage as a defense so they are blessed with keen hearing and sight. Their survival rate is incredible since they have huge clutches of eggs, family raise them as a group and they have few effective predators around here.

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere appears a big tom turkey with his tail feathers spread out like a fan and he’s doing a weird little turkey trot/dance. He hears your call and slowly migrates towards your position and decoys. He’s just about in range and you put your shotgun sight right on the big bird’s head and then a rabbit runs between you and your prize and scares the crap out of both of you. You no longer have a clean kill shot, he lets out a warning yelp and everything goes to pot in just seconds.

The weeks of scouting, practicing your calls, getting your equipment ready and just waiting for opening day just went up in a poof of smoke… Well, there’s always tomorrow and as most people in this area know there are more and more turkeys around Dixon and this area than ever before. Culling their numbers is important because they are encroaching more and more on populated areas causing both concern and damage. They can even be a danger to humans during breeding season with sharp spurs that can seriously injure humans, especially little humans that might think big bird is cute.

The limit as shown below is from the Ca. fish and game code and means you can take one each year with a visible beard and three birds combined during spring and fall seasons. The second turkey Kaylee shot was a bearded hen… at the time we didn’t even know hens had beards… but it was legal. You can see the beard on the tom in her lap.

Spring General Mar 25 – April 30, 2017 1 bearded 3 per season, combined
Archery Only May 1 – May 14, 2017
Additional Junior Mar 18 – 19, 2017 &
May 1 – 14, 2017

 

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March 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #666 (3-17-17)* The Devil Made Me Do It (666) Get it?

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What’s New(s)?

 

            Not much really, basically the same old crap. I’ve now been writing this column in its present form for 12.8 years this week… that’s EVERY week, nonstop, no gaps, and no repeats for 666 straight weeks. That doesn’t include the seven years it appeared in the Dixon Tribune when I was editor in the 60’s and 70’s.

So what? It took all of this time for others to finally figure it was a good way to communicate with the masses.  So the mayor, his junior trainee/councilman, junior’s mother, etc. all now write newspaper columns and seem to think they have a power base outside of my realm… Got a hot flash for you copiers; the tribune readers STILL read this column too… as they have for decades… so ramble on and do your best, or worst, and good luck.

Junior city councilman Devon and his Mensa support group decided to shock the world with his special city council announcement Tuesday. He shakily read from a crip note that he was requesting a special hearing of the local elected group that monitors council behaviour. He wants them to do something to me for what I wrote last week affirming the fact that junior is in trouble and is claiming I violated some sort of council confidentially. I, of course, made sure in advance that what I wrote was correct and legal but I encouraged him to have his day in court, so to speak, so we can publically, once again, go over the lingering charges against him brought by members of the public… He wants a show; bring it.

Oh, by the way, he happens to be on the committee that is set to censor out of line elected officials… duh, just so we make sure there is no conflict. You got a minor league player, with bad coaching, trying to leap into the majors over the body of a season pro… Stay tuned for more high school crap from junior and his lesson on how not to best serve the public. It’s like going from T-ball to the majors before you even know the basics. I’m not really picking on poor Devon he’s just asking for, and creating his own grief.

I did really like him lecturing the rest of the council about “his” people in “his” district. Got a hot flash for junior and his support group. Councilmen Scott and Ted were the last two elected officials to be elected by the whole city, not just one little part, and we represent everyone, all the timesorry Pulte and old town public, but you selected junior and even though he received less than 40 per cent of the vote, and his election paper work is in question by many, he’s yours… but so are we so don’t feel hemmed in by junior.

But on the bright side Councilman Scott and I and Councilman Steve draws no lines when looking as issues. So only junior is concerned with “his” district… I tried to tell him he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know but he just brushed me off… good move boy.

Stay tuned to this channel for the weekly update on the new series…  “As junior learns”.

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied: “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; deport him and you don’t have to ever feed him again.”Trump 20:16

 

THE YEAR IS 1917

For most of you this will boggle your mind (Then some might remember)! The year is 1917 “One hundred years ago.” What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:

The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.

The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.

A dentist $2,500 per year.

A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.

And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE

EDUCATION: Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month,

And, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The Five leading causes of death were:

1 Pneumonia and influenza

  1. Tuberculosis
  2. Diarrhea
  3. Heart disease
  4. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars…

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.

And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.

Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)

Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

Signs Of The Times…

+A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver: We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you.
+Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
+In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
+On a Septic Tank Truck:  Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
+At an Optometrist’s Office:” If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”+On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
+On another Plumber’s truck:  “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
+At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
+On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
+In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
+On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
+At a Car Dealership:  “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
+Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”+In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:  “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
+At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”
+In a Restaurant window:” Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
+In the front yard of a Funeral Home:  “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
+At a Propane Filling Station:  “Thank Heaven for little grills.”
+In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”
+And the best one for last… Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises.”


More Things For Thought…

*When accused of something by a woman a man’s first inclination is to deny… we’re not lying.  We’re just trying to buy some time so we can figure out what you’re talking about.

*I promised everyone I wouldn’t go drinking in public places again… but here I am waiting for the grand-kids to get out of school.

*Surprise parties are great!  First you depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday… then you briefly scare hell out of them.

*I’m almost positive the plane Harrison Ford was in was from the Amelia Earhart collection on loan from the Smithsonian.

*It’s true what they say that there’s someone for everyone… the person for you is a psychiatrist.

*Chances are better than average that if it’s tasteless and inappropriate I’ll think it’s hilarious.

*I watched the deleted scenes from the porno movie last night… surprisingly he did fix the washing machine.

*I’ve decided to do a juice cleanse… and by juice I mean beer.

*Don’t stress about your eyesight going to hell as you get older… it’s nature’s way of protecting you from shock when you walk past a mirror.

*You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say “guess what”?

*The best thing about geometry in high school… it’s in high school and I’m not!

*Not only is most of my hair gray at this point but this morning a lot of it was sticking straight up… I think I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.

*What’s my favorite thing about winter… when it’s over!

*Why is it that opportunity only knocks on my door once… but temptation?  That fool just leans on the darn door bell.

*The average person farts 14 times each day… finally, I’m above average at something!

*There’s nothing scarier than the split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think “Oh god, they’re going to find me naked!” 

*If we could charge people for being idiots we could have the national debt paid off in no time.

*The wife finally found her sleep number.  Its 6… 6 glasses of wine.

*If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks why is there a light in the refrigerator?

*Based on the musicians that thanked him at the Grammy awards I gotta admit I’m not crazy for the music God’s taste in music.

*Sometimes to make myself feel important I think in a British accent.

*Today I learned that pouring a bucket of water over someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… but it sure does piss them off.

*I am done trying to figure out why Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently!

*Tender loving care is very important… but sometimes just a vicious, animalistic ass-kicking makes you feel better.

*Shouldn’t octopus appendages be called “eightacles”?

*Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains… that could’ve become beer but didn’t.

*They say it’s better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable… but how about a compromise like moderately wealthy and just moody?

*Isn’t it strange how things change over time… I used to hate spankings!

*Some people should be required by law to always carry a potted plant around with them… solely to replace the oxygen they waste.

 

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March 11th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #665 (3-10-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Don’t Forget to set your clocks ahead an hour Saturday night for the stupid DST switch

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Dixon Annual Chamber Dinner Best Ever


            I/we have been to about 50 chamber of commerce annual “Citizen of the Year” dinners” and the one last Saturday stood out as the best ever. They had a pretty full house, great Hawaiian dance entertainment and the super choice of Jack Caldwell as the 2016 top citizen. (See story about Caldwell on page 1). The entire city council was present and the photo above shows a quorum of good sports recruited as part of a group hula. That’s your Mayor, Thom Bogue, left, Vice Mayor Scott Pederson in the center and recent vice mayor and councilman Steve Bird on the right. See how the three of them kept their space top avoid a Brown Act violation? The other photo is of the “Citizen of the Year” Jack Caldwell and presenter Barbara Beckworth.

 

 

“What’s With The Current City Council Crap”?

That’s what I’ve been asked by several people…The young junior member of the council, Devon Minnema, (who has a lovely singing voice by the way) who is always surrounded and obviously led by his family members and constant advisors (who in reality couldn’t lead a lemming charge off a cliff) is involved in a legal battle brought about by his own doing.. He/they only had to swear to the “facts” he/they have stated (which he’s refused to do) and he and his family only have to talk to investigators (which they refuse to do) and the matter would not have gotten this far.

For those of you that don’t know, he was elected in the last election receiving less than 40% of the vote and during, and right after the election, several people came forwards telling the city council he didn’t live in his district the day he took out his nomination papers. So what’s the big deal? If he did he’s in the right place. If he didn’t he can join Stockton’s former mayor in the judicial system to explain himself. This is serious business.

The council has taken the citizen complaints (the only thing it could do) and turned them over to the district attorney’s office and a civil grand jury and voted last week to ask the state attorney general’s office for input to try to end this battle of “he did” —“he did not” debate that is taking up council, staff time and taxpayers dollars. If it is found he didn’t live where he said he did at the time he took out the papers he can be removed from office, face legal proceedings and everything he’s voted on could have to be revisited and redone.

Pictured above is part of City Councilman Devon Minnema’s (third from right) support crew (that he posted on Facebook) that comes to each meeting to advise him on issues.  His stepfather is on the far right with his mother, on the far left the president of a local club to which he belongs and in the back in the white shirt is his father…I don’t know who the other two are.

          So don’t blame us and don’t believe the B.S. or any false news you read or hear. It’s very simple; if he and his family talk to the investigators and swear out affidavits attesting to what they have all been claiming then the matter is simplified… if not, as Popeye would say… you pays your fees and you takes your chances. If the parties involved stepped up to the plate and talked to investigators and gave sworn testimony that what they’ve said is true the council could drop the Quo Warranto being filed with the attorney general.

The story is last week’s IV front page story said “City attorney stands to get tens of thousands” to file Quo Warranto… is simply a fabrication.  I can say one thing; to my knowledge “tens of thousands of dollars” were not asked for nor authorized. The council is bound by certain ethical and state laws to respond to public charges and is doing what it can to bring this thing to a fair, just and quicker end… and that’s all I have to say about that!

 

Ethics And Sexual Harassment; It’s No Joke

 

 

All elected and appoint officials, plus managers, must take these two-two hour state mandated course every two years. After two hours of mandated state training on both subjects here’s what I got.

Ethics: Don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t.

Sexual harassment: Don’t get your honey where you get your money (workplace dilly dallying usually end up with problems) and to be safe don’t: talk, look, joke, or even think about just about anything other than your job. Read California’s ridiculous laws and how they are written and you’ll see what I mean. The law suits are very expensive and as usual only the attorneys come out way on top.

In the work place jokes and comments about women, LGBT, race, religion, just damned near anything needs to be avoided or yesterday’s “friend” might be tomorrow’s new Mercedes driver. So be very, very careful what you say and do, all it takes is a word or a glance and HR could be sending you a note.… You know I just saw this good looking chick…oh, never mind.

The funny thing is I just recently had to take state mandated comprehensive courses and tests on ethics and sexual harassment to renew my Ca. Real Estate license… but of course it doesn’t count for, or as much, as a two-two hour lectures we just had to sit through… go figure.

 

 

 More Things For Thought

 

*The real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is that the fish get caught in them… this makes the fishermen laugh and they fall out of the boat.

*Our Grand kids are apparently very optimistic every glass they leave sitting around the house is half full.

*So why do we call it “toilet paper”? … Does anyone actually wipe their toilet with it?

*Someone once asked me what my view is on lesbians… apparently “usually in high def” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

*My wife drives me to drink… unless a friend volunteers.

*For someone who said “correct me if I’m wrong”…  you seemed genuinely upset and surprised when I did.

*One of the doc’s in our local practice group treats a large number of coma patients. When asked what motivated him to do so he said “I’m just here to put smiles on their faces”… as he slipped the cap back on the Sharpie.

*Nothing says “proper retirement planning” like a trash can over flowing with losing lottery tickets.

*I bumped into one of my old classmates the other day with a beer belly, thinning hair and a gray mustache… she’s really let herself go.

*People always ask “would you rather be right or happy?”… I’ve always found I’m the happiest when I’m right.

*Just for your information… that circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down the car window is giving away your age.

*If only ISIS would have kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter… we wouldn’t be dealing with all this crap.

*Gynecologist was making small talk during the exam.  “So, you’re in the military?”  “Yes”, she replied… “Well, thank you for your cervix!”

*Divorce court is just like regular court… except the judge sentences you to freedom.

*Gonorrhea is the name of the medication used to treat diarrhea… right?

*Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is good for my health… it takes me three times as long to walk home from the bar.

*Many English names are derived from occupations… Fletcher (makes arrows), Cooper (makes barrels) and Cunningham (raises tricky pigs).

*I find I’m somewhat disappointed… I thought being an adult would involve a lot more sex.

*My neighbor has no clue why there are several piles of fecal matter on his porch… I have no clue why he would choose to use a power saw at 5:28AM.

*I was startled by a loud fart…….I was fartled!

*My old girlfriend asked me what would make her shoes look sexier… “Give them to your sister” was apparently a relationship-breaking response.

*If you are a cannibal then technically it’s hunting… not murder.

*There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant… yet another tragedy avoided.

*Saw two of my kids hugging one another and then realized they were choking each other… oh, okay, that makes a lot more sense.

*A physician was breaking some bad news to a man from Rome. “I’m very sorry.  You have HIV.  Any questions?”… “Yes, what the hell is H4?”

*I think at this point in my life my liver would greatly benefit from a body transplant.

*Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing with my life- Where I’m going.  If I’ll fall in love.  What I want in life… then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

*Burgers, she wrote… Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

*The children were nestled all snug in their beds… until they had to pee, get a drink, show me they can whistle and ask me if birds have teeth.

*The leading causes of death among men: Heart disease, cancer, buying the wife a gym membership for Valentine’s Day.

*”Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?”… the title of an instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people the finer points of canoeing.

*We’re all so glad the drought here in California is apparently over.  Last summer going through the mountains there was a Forestry Service sign… “Extreme Fire Hazard…Don’t Even Fart in the Forest!”

 

 

 

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March 4th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #664 (3-3-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Big Dixon Protest Planned

 

I want to lead a major protest against all protests. An all-American protest team made up of veterans, law enforcement, people that think right, those with common sense and those who are just pissed off and fed up.

Currently these “students” can apparently cut the classes we pay for and get a day out of school and college with no repercussions. And these big crowds of professional demonstrators… do none of them have jobs? If they did they wouldn’t have time to attend all of these protests… unless… that is their job and we are paying them with social services to spout their mimicked, bandwagon feelings.

Then you have a local yokel who has the “guts” to write a letter against the president and have it published in an area newspaper. You know, this guy really has guts, right? So I thought I’d help him out and I sent his letter to the editor to the president and his people… You’re welcome. I do what I can.

I want to lead the protest against the main stream media that seems to be incapable of writing or reporting a legitimate news story without altering the facts or editorializing (including ALL Sacramento T.V. stations). Examples? The left wing media insists on calling illegal aliens “undocumented immigrants” rooting up support for people who have chosen to be in this country illegally, as opposed to the millions who have taken the trouble to become documented. There are only three kinds of Americans: native born, documented wanting to become citizens and illegals: See the difference… legal alien and illegal aliens…  The illegals want all of the rights without any of the responsibilities of citizenship. Want to try to sneak into Mexico and see what happens…didn’t think so. I’m sure a lot of people I know… know of someone without papers. If they aren’t criminals in the criminals law sense have them keep their heads down, as they always have, until the smoke clears and then apply for papers. No one is after the multi-generational working class people with clean records.

I want to protest the actors who are getting zillions of dollars for doing their “jobs” and pretending to be something they aren’t… and then receive a trophy and feel qualified to criticize the leadership of this country. Who cares what the hell they think? I guess, Barbara, Rosie and the other big mouths that said they were going to Canada if Trump won either changed their minds or the smart Canadians rejected them saying they had enough idiots of their own and didn’t need any more.

 

Every day an associated press writer, for whatever reason, writes trash about our President with subtle editorializes like the one (of many) this week by Gillian Flaccus that said in part “In the days after Donald Trump’s election, thousands of teenagers across the nation walked out of class in protest. Others rallied to his defense.” Read carefully the Washington Post and other major media and ALL associated press writings and you’ll see the subtle attempts to alter the facts to the left way of thinking.

With all of the real fake news flowing like beer through a kidney I thought I would present some real local news for a change. I am organizing a major protest to protest all of the protests. Have you been watching the B.S. protests around the county and the world? Mexico, the U.S. overseas and almost every country has some group protesting something.

Here’s its mainly the losers who could never conceive the possibility they could lose because they are  from a national group of pseudo-intelligent, entitled, well-educated idiots joining the have nots who are firmly entrenched in the welfare system  Ever wonder how all of these people get off work to attend protest after protest? It’s easy; they are protesting because many are afraid they may have to actually go to work.

My protest will be a major one like the million man march on D.C. But mine will be the dozen person march to protest the stupidity, cost and waste of time to protest to deaf ears. Ears will hear my protest because we will have veterans in the protest saying if you want to protest, protest the fact there are many vets and their families doing without. Meanwhile second and third generation non workers, and imported future democrats using Hijrah (Hijrah: Migration for the Cause of Allah) suck off and drain the system. We will be joined by a senior citizen or two that feel social security is a right not an entitlement and they are being screwed out of a lifetime of money taken from them not to be returned.

  

I want to protest the mother trying to change the sex of her very young son because she thinks he wants to be a girl… and all others trying to change children into transgender little children? Adults can make that decision if they wish but for God’s sake let children mature before you cut off or add parts nature in its wisdom has given them.

            Also we’ll protest unisex bath rooms in schools…  don’t children have enough to deal with now days without having to be concerned about who is watching them pee?

My list is a lot longer than this but I’ve run out of space. So if you want to cut school and not be penalized or show welfare or unemployment you actually did something, join me in one of my protests time and place TBA.

Today’s Short Reading From The Bible

From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

 

Sheriff’s Department

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.  We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six ambulance-chasing lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a jackrabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant. “You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

 

More Things For Thought

*I tried a vegan recipe book last night…….turns out it was much tastier than any of the recipes it contained.

*There’s no specific, scientific, known reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos is going to make me feel better… that’s why it is called “faith”.

*I no longer drink water… not after I learned what it did to the Grand Canyon.

*I don’t have really high intellectual standards for a future wife… but I insist she know that Homer is not a Simpson and Plato is not clay.

*My doctor told me I can get back to my college weight in about 4 months if I just go for a brisk 300-mile walk each morning.

*A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits… and people who order a quad-shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

*Were you aware you can skydive without a parachute… but mostly only once.

*Marriage:  It’s a way where two people can join together in an attempt to solve the problems they never had previously.

*The families in Eggo commercials live in nice homes and appear to have money… why are they always fighting over one crappy frozen waffle?

*I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow, you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring the dress code”.

*You think you’re having a bad day… the lady who just took my order at the drive-thru asked if it was to go.

*I hate my job, but it pays for my alcohol… and I need the alcohol, because I hate my job.

*Kids are a lot like donuts… they’re sweet and yummy but after two you’re like “what the hell have I done?”

*Mexican jokes and Black jokes are pretty much the same… once you’ve heard Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

*It had to be a woman that coined the phrase “severance package”… no man is putting those two words so close together.

*Telling your kids you were born before the internet is going to be the new “I walked to school five miles in the snow uphill, both ways!”

*If you see someone standing in a public place crying it’s always proper to show concern… ask them if it’s because of their haircut.

*Sex so good you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.

*It’s very important to me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant because I won’t be around forever… especially if I win the lottery.

*My grandson asked me “what’s the secret to a long life?”… “Never order vegetarian in Texas.”

*Podiatrists don’t use the metric system… they only deal with feet.

*There was a note on the bedside table that said “this isn’t working”… but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. What’s her problem?

*My version of Ricky Martin’s hit… livin la vida broka!

*As a kid there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when I grew up… and boy, have I nailed it!

*Just a heads up guys… if you ask your wife how to spell “manage a trois” she’s going to want to know why.

 

 

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February 24th 2017

Posted under That's Life Columns

THE “GLORY HOLE” OVERFLOWETH

 

Picture #1 was taken at Lake Berryessa by Eric Hourmouzus of Dixon on  last week.

Picture #2 was taken on February 18, by Lake Berryessa News

Picture #3 was taken last summer from the road by Trey Hickman

Picture # 4 was taken by Ted Hickman from the water last summer/fall

The lake level was near or at an all time low of 398.6 feet in October of 2016. Experts said it would take years for the lake to fill and the  famous Glory Hole wasn’t even predicted to flow again in the foreseeable future. On January 28 of this year the lake was only at 427.3 feet. Last Friday it was officially full and over flowing at 440.01… It’s been 10 years since that’s happened. People come from all over to see this big drain hole and the traffic has been a nightmare but the merchants in Winters love it. If you want to venture up to see it do it during the week and watch out for landslides!

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February 24th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #663 (2-24-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com


Dixon: Get Gas And Tanked At Same Time?

 

            Huh? The Dixon Planning Commission Thursday night led by and an underwhelming staff person lacking complete data and local knowledge approved a hard liquor permit for the two highway Chevron gas stations. They currently can sell beer and wine to drivers while they fill their tanks but the planning commission in its 6-1 decision decided that wasn’t enough danger to put out on the highway… so they granted a hard liquor sales permit that doesn’t even go to your elected officials to approve… I know, WTF, huh?

The not locally owned businesses can now compete with Wal-Mart to the north and Safeway and the liquor store to the south but… they’ve made it much easier for the highway drinkers. Now you can get gas and get gassed all in one stop.

I was only at the meeting because we all have to attend a mandatory two hour ethics training which was held for the commission and any other elected, appointed or city officials.

I respectfully, as a private citizen, asked them to withhold their decision so our new police chief, who starts March 1, could weigh in on  the matter… they refused and only the commission’s chair, Kevin Johnson used his head and voted not to allow the hard liquor to be sold. Why did the other six vote that way. You’ll have to ask them as Dixon once again sticks it to locally owned and/or operated local businesses that hire many of our citizens.

So as a city councilman I can, and will, appeal their decision and would now like to have the new COP, CHP and sheriff’s department weigh in on the matter. Enabling drivers to get gas and bottles of hard liquor and then get back on the freeway must make some people think, wouldn’t you think?

 

Gun Show Attracts Thousands!

 


            It’s been like 40 years since the last gun show in DixonMadden Hall at the Dixon May Fairgrounds is the biggest building in town and this past weekend it was packed with people, wall-to-wall, (about 2,700 on Saturday alone) for the two days of the Dixon Gun Show. The promoters either underestimated the attraction or were too cheap to use two buildings but the dozens of exhibits were packed in shoulder to shoulder and the paid visitors were wedged in like sardines.

Anyway there were at least two local exhibitors were local; Jack and Kathy Caldwell collectors of antique firearms, relics and curios had a booth as did Trey Hickman with his newly opened Hickman Gunsmithing business. Trey, (not me) finally has all of his federal, state and county licenses and permits, blood test, finger prints and cavity checks to do repairs, sales and transfers of California legal firearms.

 

Real Outdoorsmen!

 

Saturday, with blustering winds steadily blowing 20 to 30 mph and gusts to 50 mph, three local diehards decided it was a good time to go fishing… they had the time so why not huh? Dave Saucy. left, his friend Jeremy Edson, center and Saucy’s son Anthony 16, are seen on Liberty Island levy fishing for “whatever”. Saucy the owner of Dixon’s Independent Automotive is an avid outdoorsman and goes fishing and hunting whenever he gets a chance. He had posted a video of the flood waters at Liberty Island (Lake?) on line that had us take a ride out there to see if the ranch as in danger. It wasn’t really that high.   So after we checked it out we stopped and talked to the nutty trio who fished for three hours, with weights up to 10 and 12 ounces and, surprisingly they never saw a bite. Who’d a thunk it? You can see the high flood waters in the background… and it was colder than hell too and they had to use the truck to anchor their poles. They did see fish jump occasionally including maybe carp and a striper.

Rattlesnake In Your Tent!

From the email bag from an American Legion member and former marine:

A man was conducting an All Service member briefing one day, and he posed the question: “What would you do if you found a rattlesnake in your tent?”
A Sailor said, “I’d stomp on it.”
A Soldier said, “I’d hit it with my boot.”
A Marine said, “I’d catch it, break the fangs off, and eat it.”
An Airman said, “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a frigging tent in my room.”

AF guys: Go ahead and send me your best Marine joke.

More Things For Thought

*The teacher asked a kid in class what his favorite letter was. “g”, he replied… she then asked, “and why is that, Angus?”

*Put a photo of a guy with perfect abs on my refrigerator door… so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream.

*I had a roadside emergency this morning and by mistake called AA… those drunks can’t change a tire worth a damn.

*Always the camel… never the toe.

*I just crossed a crocodile with a homing pigeon… I think that’s gonna come back to bite me on the butt.

*People say I’m not very responsible… when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate attire.

*I love it when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell”… as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

*It’s apparently fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section… but take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and everyone loses their crap!

*I hate it when my camera rings and interrupts me when I’m in the middle of a selfie!

*Shockingly, the gyroscope is not a device used to locate a local Greek deli.

*I still think a wasp’s nest chucked thru a window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation.

*She looks at me with those “come hither eyes”… and here I am frantically looking thru the dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

*I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where a bunch of people died of mysterious head injuries.

*Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes… small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.

*I checked on Facebook and saw that my fourth grade girlfriend “liked” my hot chocolate recipe I shared… I knew that someday she’d come crawling back to me.

*Britney Spears released a new fragrance… the other dinner guests looked embarrassed and pretended not to notice.

*I call my wife “Bambi”.  She thinks it’s because of her big, brown eyes… but really I want someone to shoot her mother.

*My maiden aunt told her cat she was going to teach it English…….it looked at her and said “me how?”

*She called me at work and said “three girls in the office just received flowers.  They’re absolutely gorgeous!”… I said, “That’s probably why they received flowers.”

*My gay, dyslexic friend can’t wait for February 14… he thinks its vaseline day.

*”Mama Mia”:  A classic ABBA song, the soundtrack for the 2008 movie… or a guy from Maine telling his mother he’s arrived.

*If you can read this thank a teacher… if you can do busy work while watching an unrelated video thank a substitute teacher. 

*I asked my wife to act like a “naughty school girl”… she forged a note from her mother saying she didn’t have to dress for p.e.

*I went to the dyslexic association fund raiser last night and everything was going well until the DJ played YMCA… then it was just effing mayhem!

*I’ve never thought to look but is the Guinness book of world records listed in the Guinness book of world records as the book containing the most world records?  

*My mom always used to tell me to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus… “If I do they won’t be clean anyway!”

*Nomenclature is an important part of courting a woman… for example; “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are apparently perceived quite differently.

*I blame the crappy parts of our marriage on my wife… mostly because of her poor choice in men.

*How do Mexican’s feel about Trump’s wall… they’ll get over it!

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February 17th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #662 (2-17-17

Posted under That's Life Columns

Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

City Stuff; New C.O.P.


 

            After the smoked cleared and all of the interviews, background checks and more background checks (fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me) comes a stellar candidate the city manager and four knowledgeable adults on the city council agreed to hire Tuesday night. The four who voted to approve the city manager’s hiring of the new chief sent a statement they are pro law enforcement and are serious about getting a professional department to fight the huge increase in hard drugs like meth, heroine and other major crime problems Dixon is seeing, or at least becoming aware of for the first time. The new COP (Chief of Police) Robert Thompson,  comes to us directly from the Sacramento division of the FBI with an extensive police background and a good working relationship established with Solano county law enforcement. The guy’s got a Bachelor’s Degree, a Master’s of Arts Degree in management and a post Master’s Certificate in psychology. His resume is impressive but so were his presentations during the multiple interviews he had. I personally nixed at least seven previous candidates but I approved of this guy.

The father of two is set to start March 1 with his immediate goal being to fill at least four vacant positions and stopping the revolving door the department has had for the past few years. He is being paid more than any other chief and potentially could become the city’s highest paid employee down the line… Why you may ask. Glad you asked. It cost taxpayers about $40,000 to hire and train each new police officer (with background checks, training, etc.). If this man can straighten out the department and slow turnover to a snail’s pace he can save taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars in short order. We could have been penny wise and pound foolish.  ONE resident whined about paying him too much. Some folks know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. We of course could have paid less and we would have gotten less… I think our citizens want and need the best police department we can afford don’t you? It is up to your elected officials to make good decisions based on good data and to protect our people with the best quality of personnel we can afford. Those who know me know I am tight with the taxpayer’s dollars. I’m guessing  the new chief wise enough to ignore a kid’s, or his family’s complaint that he isn’t worth the money.

Another cool thing at this meeting was the council approval of the police department to submit a request for a $1,000 grant for a “Safe Route to Schools” program to be administered by the PD and it cadets. Mike Hamilton, of Grillin and Chillin, had already donated $1,000 to the cadet program and Tuesday Don Richey; a Dixon Planning Commissioner, came to the podium and volunteered to give $1,000 of his personal funds to the proposed program. This was a great thing for them to do to in support our youth.

 

Ever Seen A Chukar?

 

Chukar Redleg Partridge

The Chukar is a small flighty bird.  This photo is of a Chukar Redleg Partridge I took Wednesday at Hastings Island Pheasant Club. Known for their flying ability and their zebra like stripes, they are a favorite addition to game bird hunts. These birds hold well in cover and get up and go when flushed. These birds thrive in dry arid conditions; however, recently they have become a very popular additive to hunts looking to add speed to their hunts. These birds tend to run uphill and flush downhill often giving the hunters numerous chances. Habitat consists of small grain or brushy terrain. To hold the birds in the terrain a small stream or water source is necessary. They can outrun a human, trust me they are quick and fly fast and are about the best eating of all game birds… and you can hunt them at Hastings. There is a regular state season for them in California.

Part 3: Last Real Estate Lesson

Real estate part III: If you are moving to a new area, out of state or anyplace in the world companies like Century-21 can help you from start to finish. If you are headed to a new area C-21 will contact an office where you are going and arrange for a licensed, vetted, professional sales person to help you on the other end…at no cost to you.

The secret is out… I am an elected official, licensed realtor, reporter, weekly columnist, (with a web page that has in the neighborhood of 200,000 views worldwide) photographer, and outdoor booking agent for fishing and hunting… so I work hard and long to make things happen… I wear several different hats and refused to be intimidated in a public meeting by any middle aged goon enamored with a title… and this is all I have to say about that!

 

More Things For Thought

*The most troubling examples of sexism, racism and homophobia that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve yelled when driving on California freeways.

*Overheard after the HRC/Trump debate: “I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.”

*I work with some really great people. They’re reliable. They’re honest. They’re efficient, and never cause any sort of problems… I don’t fit in at all.

*In an attempt to instill some exercise into my daily routine I’ve placed the cookies on a higher shelf… boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

*I bought a new hat today that sports a blue band… which sets off what I am assured are the twin limpid pools of simmering sexuality that are my eyes.

*The true test of if you have a weight problem is when you watch Jurassic Park… and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

*I told myself I should stop drinking… but I’m not about to listen to some drunk that talks to himself.

*Mountains aren’t funny… they are hill areas. (Moan)

*I got pulled over by a female cop… when I rolled my window down and asked “what’s wrong?” she replied, “nothing!” (I don’t get it either?)

*It’s sorta weird to think that before Facebook all this dumb stuff just stayed in people’s heads.

*Animal fact of the day: Orca offspring live with their parents for their entire lives… just like my loser cousin Gregg.

*I’m actually a very conservative person… I don’t talk at all during sex because my mom always said “never talk to strangers”.

*As I finished the consultation my older voter got a little “flirty” with me and told me I reminded her of her third husband… “Third husband?  How many have you had?” I asked… “Two.”

*I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards in an attempt to look cool… but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

*I’m biased… I have four butt cheeks. (Moan)

*None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works at 200 meters underwater are situations in which the correct time would be my main concern.

*New texting abbreviation:  ROTFLSHMHFOAIDMT… rolling on the floor laughing so hard my hat fell off and I dropped my taco.

*This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations… hopefully someone will eventually make it.

*I long for the days before political correctness… when kids were allowed to play livestock management technicians and indigenous peoples.

*Can’t dance…just write your name in the air with your butt.  Problem solved.

*There’s no better feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don’t know you love them… or that you’re in their house again.

*I started dating a girl that works at the zoo… I think she’s a keeper.

*I always get a “yes” from women… but it’s usually followed by “that’s him, officer!”

*Don’t you just hate those people who have always got to be one better than you… if you’ve been to Tenerife they’ve been to Elevenerife.

*Remember, it’s “I before e except after c”… or when you’re running a “Feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor”.

*If you’re out on a fishing boat and somebody calls you “Chum”… they’re probably not being friendly.

*My idea of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.  

*Nina has 18 Snickers.  She eats 4 of them.  She trades 8 of them for 10 Milky Way bars.  She sells 6 and buys 3 Big Macs… why is she wearing yoga pants?

*My new credit card has this awesome ‘credit protection’ feature… every time I use it says “declined”.

*I’m going to start a company in India but have all the IT call centers in Brooklyn… let’s see how they like it.

Going On This Weekend at the Fairgrounds

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!

(One more time!)

 Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter… This one was caught caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and someone called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says… Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers… Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over … What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death … No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant … See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace … I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile… Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures… Who would have thought it!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect HomicideThey may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesYou mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? I gotta get me some of that!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery ChargeHe probably IS the battery charge!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftThat’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious SnacksDo they taste like chicken?

  Local  High School Dropouts Cut in HalfChainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is… Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead … Did I read that right?

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February 10th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #661 (2-10-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns



Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Don’t forget Tuesday is

 

 

Hope You Got To See It!

Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the greatest in football bowl history. Hope you got to see the biggest come back, first overtime and worst come from behind butt kicking since Hillary got Trumped in the political game… That’s it. Enough said except I told my roommate before the game started the odds makers had the Patriots a three point favorite and at half time she said, “I guess the odds makers were wrong”. The Vegas gang is rarely wrong. A lot of people made a lot of money if they followed the odds.

 

 

 

  February… The Party Month!

Ready? Ground Hog Day – Feb 2d – Valentine’s Day – Feb 14th – President’s Day –Feb 20th – and Mardi Gras – Feb 28th.  But alas, just in case you need more opportunities (or reasons) to party hardy, here’s the rundown on some other holidays in February!

Feb 5th – National Weatherman’s Day – time to pour!

Feb 11th – Foundation Day & Tu B’Shevat – Google it! Who knew?

Feb 12th – Lincoln’s Birthday – Honest!

Feb 15th – Constitution Day —  Hoist a Madeira! Read on, you’ll learn why!

Feb 19th – Army Day – in Mexico! We do Cinco de Mayo, why not Army Day!?) my favorite

Feb 20th – Washington’s Birthday – No lie!

Feb 24th – Beginning of Carnival – clothing optional!

Feb 28th – The End of Carnival & Fat Tuesday – Yay – King Cake!

 

  • Continued From Last Week…

Real Estate part II… Anyway back to real estate. If you are going to buy or sell a house take this from me as a person, not a real estate sales person; only deal with someone you know or with someone that someone you know can recommend.  Real estate salespersons first have to sell you on themselves before you trust them to sell your home and maximize profits on your behalf. If you’re buying the same thing applies. You want that salesperson to get the very best price and all around deal they can for you. For that, let’s say you are selling a $500,000 home you may be giving their broker(s) $30,000 of which they get a big chunk… unless they have a different arrangement, and then they might get it all. But, know this, all real estate deals are the broker’s and not the sales people who work for them … sales people are on commission. The buyer pays nothing.

I’m semi-retired and only handle a few sales at a time so I can give each my full attention and I work in conjunction with other Dixon agents at the C-21 office here in Dixon over by Starbucks. If you want or need our help we will be glad to professionally help you and take the thousands of dollars you will pay for that help… Or you can use someone you don’t know or an out of town firm, or some slick talking folks you don’t know, that don’t live here… and hope for the best… so there!

 

Just Think About It For A Minute

 

For those of you who can still think for themselves and figure out right from wrong here’s a flash. More people need to be able to understand real news from fake news, that some of their teachers and college tenured “professors” are liberal B.S. artists teaching his or her opinions instead of facts… the list goes on and on. More and more people are finally figuring out the tightly controlled mass media is force feeding us and our youth propaganda and forcing them to take their radical view point as fact. In reality much of what you hear and see is out of context and carefully grafted to mold the opinions of our young, the lazy and the dumb.

Most of the crap is subtle like the well-financed Muslim propaganda machine making many of us infidels wonder why these poor people are being singled out… forget they pledge death to all infidels. They are so effective they have convinced the government to make it a federal hate crime to put a single piece of bacon near a mosque. Jews don’t eat pork either (where do you think the Muslims got it from?) but do you think it would be a crime to leave a pork chop on a synagogue step? Forget they want to implant sharia law in the enclaves they are establishing all over our country. Forget there are millions of them here now and their birth rates are skyrocketing while all other religions and nationalities are going down… do the math folks. In the long run they can out breed us and we are paying them to do so… wake up.

Here’s the latest liberal poison to subtly worm its way into our conscientious. Notice how the media called President Obama and call our sitting president just disrespectfully Trump? They have come up with all kind of new terms for illegal (unlawful) aliens… none of which, of course, mention or even hint at the fact they are criminals and illegal i.e.: “contravening a specific law, especially a criminal law”.

Let’s make a couple of things clear:  1. Dixon is not a sanctuary city and we will keep doing what our oath of office says, to support the U.S. constitution and have our law enforcement officers, get this radical concept, enforce the law. 2.  Dixon is also not a homeless dumping ground for Fairfield/Suisun… wake up folks and see what’s really happening.

Ever heard this?  The oath I and the Dixon city council  took: “ I Ted Hickman, do solemnly swear  that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the State of California against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the Constitution of the United States and the State of California; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties upon which I am about to enter and during such time as I hold the office of city councilman.”

Every city county and state elected official here and in most of the country must swear this oath. How many of today’s state elected democratic yahoos wanting California to leave this country and defying the federal government, and the constitution, remember they took this oath? Doesn’t this mean most state and federally elected Democrats have violated this vow and should be removed from office?

 

More Things For Thought

*Chopsticks are one of the reasons that the Chinese never invented custard.

*Some people run marathons, some people go to the gym regularly… I just rocked back and forth for 10 seconds to gain enough momentum to get up off the couch.

*I just heard that they’ve found a cure for dyslexia… it was like music to my butt.

*People in town who have red and blue flashing Christmas lights: Please take them down… every time I pass I have to slow down, put on my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, dump my beer, swallow my joint and hide my gun.  

*Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me… so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

*I talk awfully tough… for someone who occasionally falls over when putting on their underwear.

*What’s the difference between Price is Right host Drew Carey and Lorena Bobbitt… Drew Carey is a slick pricer.

*Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair… but they couldn’t stop watching.

*Everyone laughs at that little do-dad you keep your change in… Until they need a dime or an M&M without lint on it.

*I haven’t been able to take down the Christmas lights on the house yet this year… it’s really hard to reach the roof from my couch.

*I was always aware that someday I was going to get old… but it was a bit of a surprise how quickly it happened.

*From this moment forward I’m only going to accept criticism that is delivered to me in the form of interpretive dance.

*I’ve reached the age where it is now possible for me to throw out my back by sneezing and farting at the same time.

*Have you ever wondered what “don’t touch” is in Braille?

*The trainer at the gym is always screaming “feel the burn”… I think that’s the same way Satan greets people in Hell.

*For every raindrop that falls an idiot forgets how to drive.

*Wives always expect us to take the empty toilet paper roll off that holder-thingy… like we’re all wizards or some such crap.

*Along with the taco sauce and napkins it would be nice if Taco Bell would throw a small roll of toilet paper in your take-out bag.

*My grandson’s latest report card looks like someone with a stuttering problem trying to swear.

*My boss got hit by a car when I was on my way to the Wishing Well… so yes, I do have some spare change.

*Whoops!  Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

*I just watched a donkey as he crossed the road and the amazing thing was he looked both ways before entering the roadway… what a smart ass!

*There’s a fire at the ‘trick birthday candle’ plant… firefighters have been battling the blaze off and on for 5 days.

*I don’t think I’ll ever find a stable job… but then I’m just not all that comfortable around horses.

*All my life I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging… and so far I’ve been right.

A guy walked into Victoria’s Secret and asked for a see-through negligee size 46-48-54… The clerk looked at him and said, “why?”

*It’s hard to find a friend who’s cute, funny, loving, generous, sexy and smart… my advice to all my friends:  don’t lose me.

*Thank goodness for words that begin with “F”… or I wouldn’t have made it through this week.

*I’m an animal in bed… like a Koala; I can sleep 20 hours a day.

*Have you ever met anyone who makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

 

#

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February 5th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #660 (2-3-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

When asked what he thinks about General Mattis being considered for Secretary of Defense, Rob O’Neill (the man who killed Bin Laden) said, “General Mattis has a bear rug in his home but it is not dead, it is just afraid to move”.

 

Rantings Of A Mad Man

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For those of you who read the adjacent column on this page AKA  *“My Way or the Highway”  or what is called behind his back “the rantings of a mad man” you read last when he unloaded on me… and that’s ok he has to have someone to try to bully or his week isn’t complete. All others in the community are reluctant to challenge him on many of the ridiculous things he rants about because of his venomous and relentless attacks on any who dare oppose him. I’m about the only one who can… and will …once.  I won’t waste any more space on him… People want to read the one liners.

To set the stage let’s get a couple of things clear. Before each council meeting I do my homework on each item and promise to myself to do the right thing for the right reason and let the chips fall where they may. The reason his panty hose are in a knot this time is because I publically called him on his continuous long rants on almost every single council agenda item which pushed our cram packed meeting past the 1 a.m. hour. I support the right of people to address the council on each agenda item; that’s the law. I don’t support a loser whose only reason for speaking is to disrupt the meeting and brow beat the city staff to try and make himself look goodwhich isn’t going to happen… he won’t let it … he just can’t, and that’s on him.. e has a aright to speak… and you knoew what? The council has a right nmort to listen and they, for the most p[art d0opn’t. Up to this time I have always listenmed out of politeness if nothing mmore.

           

He started his mental breakdown when he was defeated for mayor, and then ran for council and even though I backed him for the position the public chose me instead of the “mouth that roared” and the final slap to even any intelligent person’s ego was when he was just defeated for city treasurer by a kid that doesn’t know a T-Bill from an investment portfolio… what a slam to his way oversized ego. *The voters have told him three times to hit the highway but he can‘t take a not so subtle hint. He doesn’t have a job or work and hasn’t since I’ve known him. He inherited some property and that is kind of what he does… whatever that is. He’s a full time political gadfly… that’s what and all he does.

 

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Anyway the reason he’s gone berserk in print this time is because several times at the last council meeting I reminded him he didn’t have to get up, come to the podium and comment on each agenda item. At one point his interruption (and non-subject rant) of the meeting was so blatant I even paused the meeting to ask the city attorney can a person really pervert the system to this extent and get up and ramble on about anything they want even though it has no bearing on the subject at hand. Sadly the “city liar” as the Mad Man calls him, said, “yes”.

So he rambles on boring each and every person that has to suffer through his long winded diatribes trying to prove he knows more than anyone else about everything. Never mind the second he stands up everyone but me immediately turns off… he’s done his henny-penny the sky is falling routine too many times and it’s just redundant… With the mad man its “I know more than you, you are all idiots, and it’s my way or the highway”. He can’t get past the fact Dixon voters three times in a row voters chose the highway for him.

He chides me for “believing the crap city staff feeds you”. To that I said, “You really think you know more about the law than the city attorney and his staff, the city engineer, the city manager, finance people, etc.?” To which he will respond “yes”. Really, and he means it… he really thinks he does. Granted even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then but this acorn appears to be cracked. Granted too, every now and then he appears to be semi-lucid.

“The mad man” has put in print he can’t help it if he is just more intelligent than everyone else and really does know more than: the city attorney, the city manager, the city council, the city engineer, the huge firms of engineers that designed and developed the new sewage system, the water company analysts, and I’m sure the police, fire and public works management and employees… I guess that’s possible. But so is the possibility that the mad man is acknowledged, behind his back of course, to have a problem, a superiority complex and a “I got my ass politically kicked three times in a row and I’m going to smite my emenies” complex on top of that.

 

daddy warbucks

            Why does no one but me challenge this megalomaniac (a psychiatric disorder in which the patient experiences delusions of great power and importance)? “Because he will always have the last word, you can’t win” is what I’ve heard many times. Maybe you can’t win but you can tie. I can go toe to toe with him and he’ll never have the last word until I take a dirt nap… He seems to think everything will change in two years when he runs once again for a city council I’m not seeing that anymore. Too many people are now seeing past his being the “savior of the world complex” and just seeing a lonely man with nothing better to do in life than be a corrosive virus to any form of government and to anybody who doesn’t agree with him.

The last time he started this public war of words with me it ended when I threw down the gauntlet and said I’d had enough of his crap and that he knew he picked the wrong guy to try and bully. What ended the war on words last time between us will also end it this time. It’s put up or shut up Mad Man … (He calls me terrible Ted who is fine, I can be but, unlike the mad man I have SOME redeeming qualities). There’s a big difference between talking and doing… rant on that.

The put up time is on us once again. I am willing for us both to list, side by side, what we’ve done positive for our fellow man, our citizens, seniors, youth, environment, city, county and state. I’ve received over 50 awards for various things over a lifetime of achievement in business and public service. I don’t flaunt them but they are there.

The last time it was put up or shut up I predicted it would be Ted 50, Mad Man 0, and he came back with his usual lame retort that pieces of paper and awards don’t mean anything… Well, Mad Man its put up or shut up again and I know you won’t do either. I’m taking this time to let people, who don’t know you (and I’ve left out a couple of your goodies because of our “friendship”) understand your insatiable need for attention and your God complex rules everything you do and say.

And yes, he really does feel he is smarter and knows more than almost all of mankind… that’s why he lives in Dixon where people. to his face are polite. But behind his back just shake their heads and mumble… “That’s a mad man” … and not in a good way. He’s a big fish in a small pond

I won’t take up any future space with this issue, or his nonsense, so he can rant and rave like the mad man he is… it’s up to each reader to decide if he is mad like crazy, or mad like pissed off, or both. Now when you read his crap you can take everything with moderation of just sluff it off as being the ravings of the mad man… like most sane people do. Oh, just one last thing.

He has a constitutional right to pervert the freedom of speech so may vets have fought and died to protect…He has the right to speak, but you know what we have the right not to listen. From now on when he starts to the podium I will check my cell phone for meaningful dialogue from the public and recommend the other four members of the council do the same thing. #

 

City Council Rental CRAP

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At last week’s marathon city council meeting which stretched from 6 p.m. to 1 am various scenarios played out. One of the most interesting was when a “vice president” of a “new” real estate business, in a disrespectful way, called me “Theodore” twice to let me know he did his homework and went to the California Department of Real Estate and found I was a licensed realtor under the name “Theodore Hickman”, my name?  Gasp, WOW, sharp guy huh? He was unhappy I was repeating some of the things many people had asked me about. Like what appeared to be a sweetheart deal between the city and a new real estate bunch and the chamber of commerce.

I’m held to a high ethical standard by the Ca. DRE, as a realtor, Ca. hunter and fisherman, as a reporter, and as an elected official… and I live in a glass house. I don’t expect anyone I deal with at any level to not be held accountable for their actions.

Anyway this yahoo, who had the demeanor  somewhere between  a high school bully and a used car salesman, boldly told the council and the audience that I was a “realtor” and that I shouldn’t be allowed to open my mouth as an elected official because it was a conflict of interest. I knew he was full of crap because I always check with the city attorney if there’s the slightest chance there could be a problem both from the newspaper and real estate sides.

The obnoxious VP tells the city’s councilor more or less shut me up because I shouldn’t be able to tell the truth about their quest. The city attorney assured them there was no conflict and everybody on the council and the audience already knew I hold a real estate license. I just completed my 45 hour course to renew my license for another 4 years and it wasn’t easy. Ta Da!

The disrespectful VP looked and sounded like an idiot to think a real estate salesman could intimidate an elected official… and me no less. Another surprise was my old friend Bill Allard, who is in cahoots with these boys, was acting like a high school kid in the back making faces and acting in a disrespectful manor. These are salespeople, people; they make their livings with words. They will take 6 per cent of ever sale and if you are going to buy or sell you need to use a realtor… not necessarily these guys.

The only bright spot was the class act Kevin Johnson who left C-21 after 12 successful years to join the venture. He is taking over the chamber building for a song and subletting a part back to the chamber. It was Kevin, current head of the city’s planning commission, and just past president of the chamber of commerce, that was in question by many member s of the community for getting a$1,000 a month lease on the city’s 1800+ sq. ft. transportation building. Right or wrong he explained himself quite well and with the proper decorum. Bill and his VP embarrassed themselves and the feedback from the TV viewers is that they were poorly received.

*After the vote (4-1) to give them the lease they gave high fives and acted like they just won the super bowl… this attested to the fact they made a steal on the lease with the city. If there are four of them they can rent a prime spot for $250 a month each… and that’s all the taxpayers get back, $1,000 a month, for their expensive building that should go for a minimum of $1,800.

*Everything but this part is on video on the city’s web site.

wlabs2010

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