August 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #636 (8-26-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Dixon Murder-Suicide

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The reports you’ve heard about a husband-wife murder-suicide a last weekend a few blocks from our home is true. It apparently was the most horrific crime scene in this area’s history done by an apparently completely deranged man (at the time) who went off the deep end … with two children (who weren’t physically harmed) in the home. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know the grizzly details and it was so bad all first responders involved have serious counseling available to them provided by the city. The point is if you are friends, relatives or neighbors of this senseless tragedy do what you can to support the families and especially the children… I don’t know how they will ever get over the trauma… You know in this business, as an elected official and newspaper person, there are sometimes you wish you weren’t privy to information like this… hug your kids and kiss your mate.

 

Political Endorsement Help
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I was running our young bird dog a couple of days ago about 10 a.m. and here comes a skunk down the road right at us, close enough to get this picture with my phone… in broad daylight (not a good thing) and it naturally got me started thinking about the upcoming elections and…

… It’s started already… people asking me what I think about this candidate or that candidate or this or that ballot issue, etc.… At this point in time all I have to say is to look at each candidate, what they’ve done and read the fine print on each ballot issue and then… If it looks like a skunk, it walks like a skunk and it smells like a skunk you can probably bet it will be a skunk and won’t (or can’t) change its stripe Hope this helps!

 

With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…

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…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
  2. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

  1. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)
  2. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
    A. Premature death
  3. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)
  4. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)
  5. What is the fibula?
    A.A small lie
  6. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A. Nearby
  7. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)
  8. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
  9. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
  10. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
  11. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)
    AND THE BEST IS LAST:
    Q. What is a turbine?

Subject: Milwaukee

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Best quote of the evening on events in Milwaukee: “A black criminal pointed a stolen gun at a black policeman, and got shot by that black policeman, who was protecting a black neighborhood. So the residents of that neighborhood rioted and burned down their own neighborhood, because black lives matter!” Did I get that right? Am I missing something?

 

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More Tings For Thought

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*I’m really glad that back in high school we learned so much about parallelograms rather than how to do taxes… it’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.

*The farmer asked the vet if his pig was going to be ok… ..”Yes, just apply the oinkment.  I ham so sorry.  I don’t know what’s bacon me say these things.”

*What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.

*Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? Those were good times.

*Sometimes you’re the cat, sometimes you’re the hairball… inspirational sayings are easy!

*I often think that if I’d taken a different path in life… I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable couch right now.

*Being a husband is a lot like being a weatherman… you can be wrong 90% of the time and still hold onto your job.

*I almost choked to death on a Kale chip… that never happens with Cinnabons.

*You can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers… which are right over there by the sidewalk.

*I can tell she’s getting more mature because she just used the word “genitalia”… instead of “wiener thingie”.

*Found out today that you can’t join a gym “just to watch”.

*My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.

*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”

*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.

*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.

*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.

*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.

*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!

*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day.  I know this now.

*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.

*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.

*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?

*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.

*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.

*Poor:  an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.

*I was inept with girls in my youth.  Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger. 

*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?

*You’re just five beers away from being my type.

**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”

*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.

*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl

*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.

*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to target.

*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.

**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things………either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.

*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.

*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period?  His paycheck… it comes once a month, lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.

*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!

*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.

*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?

*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.

*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.  

 

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August 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #635 (8-19-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Cleaning Out The Garage

2016-8-19

 

And look what I found… my campaign poster for city council race from 1972. You old timers remember those days? I won the election with this snapshot which was taken in archery deer camp in Boise, Idaho by one of my hunting partners just messing around with my camera. The looks may have changed just a little, but I’m still pretty and the slogan still applies. You can see the resemblance in the photo below with Hiliery… and me having to tell her to watch her mouth as well as her hands…

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Good Grief, Sure Hard To Be A Cop

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With all of the crap nationwide about peace officers I don’t think people realize just how hard their jobs are and you have to question why anyone today would want to even enter the field.

For a lot of their work time they have to deal with wackos, drunks, druggies, felons, speeders, thieves, liars, child molesters, wife beaters, dead bodies, lost kids, traffic accidents… it goes on and one… and sometimes all of this crap in one shift depending where they serve. And then they have to go home to their wives and kids and try to lead a “normal” life.

I’m hoping if Trump gets elected he will issue a “shoot on sight” for all looters and a national “Do what you’re told or suffer the consequences,” policy. I’m tired of hearing that every dirtball that is shot was such a “Wonderful, caring person who would never do anything like that.” Bull Ship. Then the suit is always filed to cash in on the dirtball’s demise… As the people at the waste water treatment facility would say…WWTF? A police officer tells you to show your hands; just do it. They tell you to get out of the car; just do it. Whatever they tell you, no matter of your color; just do it. You got a beef? File a complaint or tell it to the judge. Challenge them to a fight and they’ll beat the crap out of you, pepper spray you, and/or taze you (as they should) until you submit and follow instructions… that’s their job!

 

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Pull a gun and hopefully they’ll shoot you as they are taught… center mass (the middle of the chest) until you drop the gun or cease to become a threat… or just cease and become deceased. (I liked the lady in Texas acquitted in Texas in the shooting of an armed burglar. The judge asked her why she shot him six times with a revolver (six-shooter) she said. “Because I didn’t have a seventh shot.”)

Only CWP (concealed weapon permit) holders have even an inkling of an idea of the decision process officers have to make each day in a Nano second. In a CWP class they run you through a series of scenarios, all of which could end badly for both you and your attacker in a self-defense situation… all of which are scary… and police officers face these immediate kinds of decisions each and every day. (We currently have an open minded sheriff who told me he understands rural values and is in favor of CWP for all who can qualify. It’s quite a process (but easy enough) and isn’t quick, but you can obtain one now in Solano County by contacting the sheriff’s department. The more qualified and trained people who carry the better as far as I’m concerned.) You can’t get one in Yolo County and in a life-and-death situation have to wait for help to arrive from their various law enforcement folks… good luck!

You don’t need a permit or license to get a $200 “home protection” 12 gauge pump shotgun from Big 5. That and a box of 00Buckshot will take care of any problem you may encounter at home. Everyone I know now has one should any uninvited dangerous person decide to enter their homes to do them or their families any harm. You don’t need much training; the store can show you how to operate one. Take it out in the country, you and your partner fire a couple of shots and you’re set. No handguns, no 22 rifles, no sprays or hand held cattle prods. When your families’ lives are in danger your best friend “Buck” can save the day. Trust me on this one.

A situation that baffles me is the over the counter availability of real looking weapons both adults and kids can buy. Let’s say you’re a cop and a kid pulls out their gun like one pictured and you have a millisecond to decide, “Is he going to kill me or do I shoot?” These BB guns are on the wall, for sale, at Wal-Mart in Vacaville and I defy anyone to tell me if they are replicas or real handguns… Why in the hell are these things allowed to be sold? The Demoncrats in S-wacko-mento are really big about gun control… How about getting rid of these things which have absolutely no purpose other than to look like a real gun… Huh? How about it all of you running for office?

 

More Things For Thought

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*The man who invented ‘autocorrect’ has died… May restaurant in peace.

*I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

*I’ve invented a golf ball that automatically goes in the hole if it comes within one foot…….just don’t carry it in your back pocket.

*I hate it when people say you don’t have to drink to have fun… you don’t have to have running shoes to run but it sure as hell helps.

*Having a beard, from being too lazy to shave, covers my double-chin, from being too lazy to exercise.

*My next career is going to be as a “backwards stripper”.  I’ll come out naked and people will throw money at me to put clothes on……..I oughta make a fortune.

*Irony is getting pregnant on a pull out couch.

*The purpose of having a .50 caliber rifle? It comes in handy when there is a burglar hiding behind the refrigerator… at your neighbor’s house.

*Why is it called a “mugshot” and not a “cellfie”?

*Maybe if we overpaid teachers and underpaid rappers… we’d have smarter kids and less crappy music.

*People who say “go big or go home” are seriously underestimating my willingness to go home… like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

*When a woman is attracted to a man she speaks in a higher voice than normal… that’s why every woman I talk to sounds like Barry White.

*I played hide ‘n seek today……..and I was winning until the cops let the k-9 off the leash!

*I’m glad you moved on.  I’m sure you’ll make someone else very happy…….for about three weeks before they realize you’re awful.

*Rabbits hop and live for 6-8 years.  Dogs walk/run and live 12-15 years.  Turtles don’t do a damn thing and live 150 years… lesson learned.

*If God really loved us He woulda made it possible to suck in love handles.

*I pissed off my wife in a dream she had last night… now I have to buy her flowers and apologize for what “dream me” did.  Marriage is fun.

*If you’re a white guy with cornrows… it should be several acres and in Nebraska.

*Just got an apple seed stuck in my throat.  That’s what I get for trying to eat healthy… peanut butter cups don’t pull this crap!

*Mike’s hobbies include always being right and petting other people’s dogs.

*As you get older you have to put a positive spin on things.  For example, the other day I fell down the stairs……instead of getting upset I thot, “wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!”

*How many times does one have to say ‘excuse me’ before ‘get the hell out of my way’ becomes acceptable?

*I don’t understand why the recommended age for a Ouija board is eight and up… you mean you have to be 21 years old to drink, but only 8 to summon the devil?

*Don’t be afraid of growing older, and yes, you will still do stupid things… just much slower.

*Why does a chicken coop only have two doors… because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!

*My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me… so there’s one thing she has in common with my wife.

*A friend at a Memorial Day BBQ remarked “I see you wasted no time bringing out the white pants.”… I replied, “These are my legs.”

*Ever noticed how people who suffer with OCD use the word ‘facetious’ a lot…it’s because it uses all the vowels in order.

 

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August 13th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #634 (8-12-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

California Archery Season Starts Saturday

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Green Jobs And Blue Lights…

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            Yea! …  Sportsman’s Warehouse is opening next month in Fairfield next to the Barnes and Nobel bookstore, across from the big mall… They are in the process of hiring now in all departments people who have a passion for the great outdoors (like fishing, hunting, camping, archery, guns, dogs, etc.) and you can send your resume or name phone number and position you desire to: fairfieldsportsmanswarerhouse@gmail.com. If you haven’t been to the one in the Sacramento area it’s a LOT like Bass Pro Shop sans the bass tanks… but they have a good selection of items fairly priced… Soon we’ll be able to go to Rocklin for Bass Pro, or the Warehouse in Fairfield… I like choices and they’re both closer than Cabela’s. Thanks to Kathy Sassman for the heads up!

2016-8-12bBlue Light special…Jeanie Vanetti sent me an email saying she just installed blue light bulbs in her porch light to show support for police officers… she would like others to join with her and the movement so as the officer patrol areas they will know there are people out there that care. I haven’t found any yet but we will… and you might want to too!

 

U.S. About To hit Obama’s Goal of 10,000 Syrians

            According to published reports the Obama Administration will hit its goal of importing 10,000 Syrian mostly Sunni Muslim “refugees” before the end of September. About 2,340 arrived in the United States last month alone. How many are terrorists? How well can they be vetted since they are being pushed through?  Most all strictly observant Muslins from the Middle East have of course vowed “death to eh infidels”. Clinton has vowed to carry on her buddy Obama’s work and policies… God (not Allah) help us when our country becomes the target from our own homegrown radicals, from our domestic breeding colonies, our government is setting up for which we are paying.  If you can’t understand this, try to understand the analogy below…

 

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Dumb Parrot?

2016-8-12c  During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden….”Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!” “Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” says Joe, “But, you do realize that he just speaks the words; he doesn’t really understand what they mean.”  “Oh, I know,” Michelle replied, “Neither does the parrot.”

 

 

Boat Tax? Ever Heard Of It?

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… Of course not if you don’t have a boat. We have a rather small fresh water fishing boat and I just got this from the Solano County Tax Collector (reminds me of the satirical movie Popeye).

The tax bill was for $102.32 for: 1% max tax limitation, $92.77- SC water agency for state water project, $1.85- Community college bond, 16 cents, Dixon School district $4.48, Solano Community College bonds $1.14 and another for 30 cents- and another for 13 cents and another for $1.49… community college and DUSD are free education huh? This is just on a lousy boat… check your house tax payments and see how you are paying for all of these things and when you hear about our “free education system,” and the twin tunnels, and the state and county blowing our money, maybe it will mean something to you.

 

With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…

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…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

  1. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
  2. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs  (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

  1. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery  (So true)
  2. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
    A.. Premature death
  3. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A.. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)
  4. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)
  5. What is the fibula?
    A.. A small lie
  6. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
    A.. Nearby
  7. What is the most common form of birth control
    A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That would work)
  8. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
    A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
  9. What is a seizure?
    A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
  10. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
  11. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
    A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight  (brilliant)
    AND THE BEST IS LAST:
    Q. What is a turbine?
    A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.  (now we’re getting somewhere)!.

 

More Things For Thought2016-8-5c

*When people say “you look good today” the first thing that comes to mind is why… did I look like hell yesterday?

*Just thought I’d let you know I’ve been diagnosed with awesomeness… you might want to get checked but I doubt you caught it.

*Have you ever given the finger to a text message… or is that just me?

*When I die I want my tombstone to offer free Wi-Fi… that way people will visit more often.

*If I won the Powerball lottery I would still keep my job so I could be insufferably obnoxious until they fired me.

*It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet. Nobody was married. The single people that come to mind are Andy, Barney, Aunt Bea, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara… the only married one was Otis and he stayed drunk.

*Bacon cannot solve all our problems… that’s what beer is for.

*The kids of today are so allergic to everything that future wars will be fought by simply throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

*The last thought I will ever have in this life will probably be “I wonder what happens if I touch this?”

*I don’t understand interventions… what’s the point of being told I drink too much by a roomful of reasons why I drink in the first place?

*Pepsi and coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and you want world peace?

*Dear diary: Today my friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I will need… 1. New friends.

*Exercising would be so much more fun if calories screamed as you burned them.

*I don’t always tolerate stupid people well… but when I do I’m probably at work.

*There’s probably nothing scarier than being out in public and having to fart for the first time after being sick with diarrhea.

*Fish that are caught and released are the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.

*I think the best way to die would to be shot by Clint Eastwood while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

*Getting older sure gives “twist and shout” a whole new meaning.

*There was a fire reported at the IRS headquarters in Washington this morning… but it was extinguished before any real good was done.

*The fastest land animal is a guy who sees his wife about to go through his phone.

*A penny for your thoughts… five bucks if they’re dirty!

*Two cargo ships, one carrying a shipment of red paint, the other carrying purple paint, have collided a few miles off the coast of San Francisco… it’s reported the crews of each have been marooned.  

*People are using their welfare debit cards to buy Red Bull… apparently you need energy to lie around on your ass all day.

*Don’t be afraid of growing older… you’ll still do stupid crap, just much slower.

*Ever noticed how your Hispanic friends aren’t offended by taco jokes or fiesta jokes, but immigration jokes… they cross the line!

*If a girl from Iceland and a guy from Cuba have a kid…….will he be an icecube?

*You know you’re getting old when every time you walk past a bathroom you say… “well, I might as well pee since I’m here.”

*It was announced today that the Davis police dept. wanted to interview a “suspicious man” wearing high heels and frilly underwear… but their police chief said they had to wear the regular uniform.  

*Do you know why there is no gambling in Africa… because there are too many cheetahs!

*Not too brag but I’ve made every waitress that ever served me happy… with just the tip.

 

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August 6th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #633 (8-5-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

National Night OutHarrah’s Sucks

 

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Tuesday evening was National Night Out celebrating its 32nd year of bringing neighborhoods, law enforcement and families for one safe nigh to interact and work towards safer neighborhoods where a community acts as one.

Apparently word didn’t filter down to a lot of Dixon residents because there were only five block parties which were graced with five police cars, a gang of police cadets, a real canine cop, deputy district attorneys, and the entire city council and mayor making a drop by visit to each site. The fire department which usually shows up in force to the delight of children was totally involved in the fire blazing out of control just north of Winters.

The one next to our home on Sierra Dr. was the biggest party by far with several dozen people. It was hosted by Kurt Riedel and Tim Nichols. It was my first chance (as a city councilman) to visit all of the parties (I missed the first stop because I was at their second stop) but I did get to four of the five and was surprised by reception I received at each stop. Most all of the talk was about this column and I forgot a couple of times to explain I was there as one of their elected officials… It certainly was good for my soul to hear all of the unsolicited comments and the encouraging “Keep up the good work and don’t let them get you down.” I wasn’t sure several times whether they were referring to this column or the city council… Either way I felt really proud of both of those hats I wear.

 

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The night is supposed to be about bringing neighbors together to form a neighborhood watch collation and to meet your local law enforcement officials and elected people you put in office. The only downside was there were not nearly enough and the places we visited had a pretty tight neighborhood already in place. Next year we need to have block parties all over town where neighbors DON’T know each other and get them introduced and encourage them to watch out for each other… That’s what you’re supposed to do in a small town… Enough preaching now on to why Harrah’s sucks

Let me start by saying I have nothing but good thoughts about the people of the Philippines they took really good care of me when I had my neck surgery at Kaiser Vallejo and are great people.

Now back to Caesar’s and Harrah’s… The reason I’ve not been to many of the Nights Out thingy is because our **anniversary and our eldest son’s birthday is on August 1st and we have traditionally gone to Reno for a couple of days and stayed at Harrah’s right at the start of Hot August Nights… we get in as its setting up, see the whole thing ready to go and get out before hordes arrive for the weekend. We were able to stay home this year due to a 45 minute phone call (s) to Harrah’s.

It started out not being able to understand Harrah’s customer service trying to help us. I called back and she couldn’t understand me nor I her. I put them on speaker phone so Linda could help me and she couldn’t understand them either. On the third call I said I couldn’t understand them (with hearing aids accents are difficult) so she transferred me to her supervisor who couldn’t speak English any better or clearer. But the supervisor did understand I wanted to see how many points I had for room comps. She put me on hold while she “checked.” Four minutes later she came back on and said, “ Mistler Teed, yes you have points.” “Great,” says I, “How many?”

The supervisor then said it would take her another while and she would have to put me on hold and get back to me, again… Got mysteriously disconnected… It was about this time, a half an hour in, I called backj again and I had had it, and asked to be transferred to the United States (you know you can demand that be done on all outsourced calls didn’t you?)… Before doing so she asked if I “had a problem.” I said, “Yes. You don’t understand me and I certainly don’t understand you.” So she transferred me to Harrah’s Reno front desk where I relayed my story again… and my unhappiness to which the desk clerk replied, “I’m really sorry about that let me transfer you directly to our reservations…” Yep, you got it they transferred me right back to the Philippines…WTF?

Over 45 minutes trying to get a simple thing done and I got nowhere… I’m looking at Harrah’s page on line with a room for $105 and they  finally quoted me the same “special” room at a special rate of $185?

2016-8-5bCaesar’s now owns Harrah’s along with half of the gambling joints in the country… We even have their special  Total Rewards credit card. They make billions of dollars from hard working people in this country and then outsource jobs to foreign countries… and our government just looks the other way. AT&T, Microsoft… the list goes on and on. Hershey’s moves out of California to Mexico, the German car Volkswagen moved to Mexico and a lot of our domestic cars are now made in Mexico… Again i ask WTF?

We all have to make personal choices and I have strong principals and choose NOT to do business with anyone that outsources American jobs. I may have to make rare exceptions but I can live without most business that do me or my country harm. They take our money, take away our jobs, treat us like crap and yet we still do business with them and choose to spend our money to help them gut us… with a dull knife. So the bottom line is we chose NOT to go to Reno to celebrate this year (I sure the corporation’s P&L suffered greatly and they took notice) and instead went to Cache Creek Casino. It’s a big upgrade from Reno and is like being in a Vegas Club. We went up there last Monday to celebrate my mother-in-law’s 92 birthday and back again this week to celebrate our son’s 40th and our 10 years of happy marriage. It’s like 45 minutes away, has a decent buffet and we did as good or better with the games as we would have in Reno… Except their table stakes have ridiculous minimums.

**Before you do the math I said 10 happy years of marriage… Linda chimed in with, “More like five.” Actually it’s been more than five…. Decades!

 

Your POTUS Frees Drug Dealers

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President Barack Obama shortened the sentences of 214 people Wednesday, the most commutations in a single day since at least 1900. Nearly all were serving sentences for nonviolent drug crimes, and 67 people were serving life sentences. Many of the 214 people will be set free at the end of the year, while others will remain locked up another year or two. Many appeared to be major drug dealers. Bad campaign donation year?

 

More Things For Thought

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*The older I get the earlier it gets late.

*I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there and watches me… while rolling her eyes and painting her fingernails.

*If I could be invisible for a day I would probably just look thru peoples drawers… and nap undisturbed.

*Had a little disagreement with the daughter-in-law… maybe she should have informed me of her stance on leashes before she just left her kids here.

*I’ve had enough to drink when I can’t count past “g”.

*Did you ever realize that if you poop for an average of 10 minutes on company time each work day that equals 40 hours of paid vacation each year?

*There should be a divorce ceremony… each of the couple gets pushed out a different door of the church while their friends go over and steal back the appliances and wedding gifts.

*The Eagles song “Hotel California” is really nothing more than a bad review with a two-minute guitar solo.

*Women should date men with beards ‘cuz growing a beard takes patience… the kind of patience it take to deal with all their Tom-foolery.

*Were Moses to go up Mt. Sinai today the two tablets he’d come down with would be Viagra and Prozac.

*When people post pictures when they’re on vacation I love to comment “looks great! By the way, I saw the firetrucks outside your house, but I’m sure you know all about that. Have fun!”

*I hate it when those people knock on your door and tell you that you have to be “saved” or you’re going to “burn”… stupid firefighters.

*The worst time to hear “I told you so” is when you end up saying it to yourself.

*How does an eyelash, just so soft and fine, morph into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?

*If the “gh” sound in “enough” is pronounced “f”, and the “o” in women makes the short “I” sound,  and the “ti” In nation is pronounced “sh”… then the word “ghoti” is pronounced just like “fish”.

*May you live your life so fully that the Westbrook Baptist Church will picket your funeral.

*My grandson said to look at those turtles giving a piggyback ride.  I decided it must be time for “the talk”.  So I said “buddy, those are tortoises not turtles”… if you’re not talking to them about herpetology who is?  

*McDonald’s is offering a deep fried pickle covered in batter… they’re going to call it the mac dill dough.

*They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on this medication… but here I am sipping a beer, driving a forklift lifting up my boss’s car.  Go figure.

*Where do suicide bombers go when they die… everywhere!

*Why do people feel compelled to say they “adopted” their dog… do they think we’re suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?

*Someone left their list in the shopping cart that said “bread, salami, beer and sh** like that”… so my soulmate is out there, somewhere.

*More than halfway thru the movie I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids… and realized I’d rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

*I can’t believe I live in a country where our only defense against an on-coming storm is to buy extra milk.

*A sign that things might not be going right for you: Your mother asks you to take your twin sister out so they can decorate for her surprise birthday party.

*83% of all white people stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

*Aren’t all marriages kind of gay?  As a man your vowing to never touch another woman for as long as you live, then you exchange jewelry and dance.  

*You know you’re old when you get a text that says “you up?”… and its 8:25pm.

*For part of your life you worry about your future, but eventually you stop doing this and instead spend your time regretting your past.  But there is a point, somewhere in-between when you engage in neither behavior… this may last for up to 4 minutes so try not to miss it.

*A friend told me she was praying for starving children in Africa and I told her god must have listened… because there are millions of them.

 

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EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS AT LEAST ONE!

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July 29th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #632 (7-29-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Dixon Weather Report

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Today: Hot. The rest of the month: Hot as hell too! Now you know so plan accordingly. Wear as little as possible and drink a lot. If you don’t notice the 100 degree plus temps you’re probably suffering from heat stroke.

 

 

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Reporting Right From The DNC in Philly…

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I was at the DNC where U.S.V. P. Joe Biden was a main in speaker for the Demoncrats this week. Many people couldn’t figure out which one he was since his twin was there too. Jeff Dunham’s, friend is said to be a stand in for Biden at some public appearances and so far no one has been able to tell which is the real dummy… I mean like they’re twins don’t you think?

To add to the confusion at the DNC party Madam Hillary did some impressions… first she tried to imitate a real, honest, caring, “disarm America” presidential candidate and then she went into her Beavis impersonation.  Beavis’s partner, Butthead said, “It was really good, I could barely tell them apart… I don’t think Beavis looks so good in green though…!”

 

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She got a standing ovation when she announced she planned to scrap the first two amendments of the constitution he first day in office. She said, “They’re messy, confusing and just get in the way and the people will be better off without both 1 & 2… Without them there’s less chance to be ‘mis-spoken’ and Bill agrees”.

Shortly after I unfurled a Red Star flag I was unceremoniously escorted from the party hall, asked for a donation, and dumped in the street and my “borrowed” credentials were ripped away from me…Then I was beaten by  many of the Democratic peace activists brawling out front until I put on my Trump hat… they ran like scared rabbits. WTF? Is this still a free country or what?

Some of the other outstanding DNC supporters who were scheduled to speak and all had the exact same script provided to them so… in case you miss one you really didn’t miss anything.

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Last week’s email to the publisher with Hillary’s pic in it was rejected by the server for, no kidding…- “Transcript of session follows —–… while talking to [207.105.189.36]:
>>> DATA<<< 554 5.7.1 Message rejected because of unacceptable content.  For help, please quote incident ID 03RlemPwU. 554 5.0.0 Service unavailable”… Can’t imagine what will happen to this one!

The McAlister/Jacobs gang…!

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            At the city’s little going away party for fire chief, Aaron McAlister Monday, I asked one of his family members to take a picture of the city council and Arron together. This was the first shot the closest blond she took and then turned the camera around and took the other group shot that appears elsewhere. Back to front is mom, Kim McAlister, and Karlie (Woodland), and Katie (San Diego) Jacobs, Ellie’s granddaughters. They all came together to honor stepdad Arron who, with wife and son, will be moving to Contra Costa County soon when Arron takes over as assistant fire chief managing over 300 personnel with his other duties.

 

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*We were on a “nature walk” and a posted sign said ‘ watch for falling deer: Mountain Lions conceal their unfinished food in the tops of trees’… I think “watch for Mountain Lions” would have been more appropriate.

*I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself… it was getting a little awkward for the rest of us.

*Overheard a couple college girls talking:  “We’ve got to stop wasting our good boob years on terrible guys.”… seems reasonable.

*I saw an attractive woman spank her kid after the little guy threw his fries on the ground… so I threw mine on the ground, too.

*One day I’ll do amazing things… but today I’ll be satisfied if I manage not to get crumbs in my beard.

*I don’t drink alcohol, I drink ‘distilled spirits’… so I’m not an alcoholic I’m just very ‘spiritual’.

*One of the girls at work got mad and said I treat her like a child… so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

*The police came by today and said our dog chased someone on a bike… which is ridiculous.  Our dog doesn’t have a bike.

*Japanese scientists have announced they have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it is now possible to photograph a woman with her mouth shut… although some people are calling it a hoax.

*Ahhh, my favorite three “f” words… finally, friggin’ Friday.

*The older I get the more I appreciate quiet evenings at home, cancelled plans, thunderstorms, and alcohol that’s on sale.

*Your face is just fine… but perhaps you should put a bag over that personality.

*When young people start whining about how tuff they have it I like to tell them how I survived 40 years without a damn cell phone or the internet.

*A mother’s love is unconditional… her temper, however, is another thing entirely.

*Saw a young down-and-out guy sitting on the curb disconsolate. When I tried to offer him a dollar for food he returned it… “I’m not homeless, I’m married.”

*Acupuncture: Proof that stabbing someone can often makes things better.

*You can double the life of your iPhone battery just by putting the damn thing down occasionally.

*My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused offers of food and drink, swore at everybody, and smeared the walls with his feces… so we never played monopoly again.

*Carly Fiorina was just named as Ted Cruz’s running mate… that’s almost like announcing you’re going to be prince’s new backup singer.

*Warning: drinking may cause memory loss… or worse, memory loss.

*Doritos has just released a new snack called “taco explosion”… now Frito-Lay is being named in a class action suit by people who use that term for what happens an hour after eating at taco bell.

*Synonym:  a word used in place of the one you can’t spell.

*I don’t claim to know what goes on inside the dishwasher… but I’m guessing it’s like the first 15 minutes of saving Private Ryan.

*Just go ahead and assume it’s a banana… I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

*Women should date men with beards ‘cut growing beard takes patience… the kind of patience it takes to deal with all the drama.

*I’m rarely judgmental, but I do scowl and shake my head in disapproval when I see a vegan biting their nails.

*I once lip-locked the soft ice cream dispenser at the dairy queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop… so, yes, I am familiar with rejection.

*What book is mandatory reading in all Hispanic schools? Tequila mockingbird.

*If anyone needs me I’ll be spending the next several hours under this bathroom light that gives my abs just a hint of definition.

*The most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love… second is having the noisy grocery cart with the bad wheel.   

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July 22nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #631 (7-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

We Lost Dick Reeser July 10th


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             Any of these guys look familiar?

            Linda and I joined over 160 people Monday in an SRO Methodist Church to say goodbye to another involved citizen, Dick Reeser, whose now winged his way to his final resting place. I had mention Dick and I went “way back” but I forgot how far back until I saw this photo at the service. It was our championship Western Auto softball team a while back. Dick is the far right (in more ways than one) guy in the top row. Can anyone ID any of the others? We’re guessing it was more than a few years ago.

Anyway Dick was a Veteran just short of his 83rd birthday and over the years was involved in about everything. He was probably best remembered from the old days as the “Rainbow Bread” deliverer and then for his involvement in many of the local clubs, like the Lions, and his involvement in Vet organization’s matters and local sports. Whatever. He had a lot of fans and they packed the now 150 year old historic church to say farewell.

We’ve been to too many of these things lately I wish good people would stay with us a little longer and we could let the dirtballs take their places.

 

Local Products Manages Properti2016-722ePictured left to right: Mellissa Williams (a 1999 DHS grad too,) Karlie Ocenasek, Kimi Blaine and AriyanaSmith of Crown Realty property management in Vacaville at their open house Tuesday in Vacaville.

          Many of you DHS grads may remember Karlie Costa (now Mrs. Ocenasek with two kids) from her Dixon days graduating from DHS in 1999, how about Mellissa Williams? You regular readers know I like to write things about Dixon folks trying to make a living in the business world today and that I’m really partial to the mom and pop type folks. Karlie is now working for Crown Realty in the Vacaville office doing property management which she has been into for several years. She’s been a Dixon Toys for Tots volunteer for many years.

          So if you have a rental, or a bunch of them, and are tired of all the crap, give Karlie a ring at 707-469-0880 Ext 162 or email her at kocenasek@cr4ownpm.com. They take care of everything, all the problems, repairs etc., and just send you a check or make a deposit into an account for you… No more 2 a.m. hassles about the toilet or frantic calls at 10 p.m. about the doorbell not working … they do all of that. If we hadn’t tired of all the petty problems and still had our rentals, I would sure use her and her company… they can even find and screen potential clients for you and have 24 hour emergency repairs service!

 

Local Product Does Air & Heating Help

          Your air conditioner stops blowing cold are and its 200 degree outside and not much cooler inside… who do you gonna call, heatbusters?  A lot of companies will send out someone to check your system and then try to sell you a new one… That’s the way the business works… But now comes along Stephen Niemann another DHS grad (1990) who has found a specialty niche providing service and maintenance of your heater and air conditioning without trying to sell you a new one… He doesn’t sell or have them to sell. If he can’t fix it and you need help getting a new one he can guide you to reputable choices. He came out recently when our’s was on the fritz and I was dreading the “Got thousands, you need a new one,” or “Your gadget is warped and we can fix it for only $1,500.”

What we got instead was a big fuse had gone south, he plunked a new one in and hallelujah we had cool air again.  You need to have your unit checked periodically for both winter summer use. He is especially tune into senior citizens and their needs… So if you have air conditioning or heater need call him at 707-205-7041 or email at niemannhvac@gmail.com.

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*Mixing up “your” with “you’re” just because they sound similar is like confusing “catastrophe” with “cat ass trophy”.

*If an illegal alien fought a pedophile would it be considered “Alien vs. Predator”?

*Isn’t it amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car… yet are unable to use a lawnmower, dishwasher or vacuum cleaner?

*I would love to be able to offer you moral support… but my morals are somewhat questionable.

*If dueling suddenly made a comeback some of these politically correct fools would find themselves being a whole lot less “offended”. 

*I’m applying for a grant to study the relationship between women who used vibrators… and their children that stutter.

*So it turns out that as an adult you can eat chocolate cake for breakfast if you want… there is literally no one policing this!*I’m applying for a grant to study the relationship between women who used vibrators… and their children that stutter.

*As I admired my naked body in the mirror I thought to myself… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Nordstrom’s any second now”.

*The word “politics” is derived from the word “poly”, meaning many… and the word “ticks” referring to blood-sucking parasites.

*We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today… we removed all the phone booths so superman has no place to change!

*Today I was the only one on the elevator when a real fox got on whilst on her phone.  She told her friend, “I gotta go, there’s a really cute guy on the elevator.”… Before I could react she said “Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her”.

*Damn! I’m such a fun, lovable guy the doctor gave me a special jacket so’s I can hug myself!

*I’m not sure how many problems I actually have… because math is one of them.

*If a woman is always right, and a man is always wrong, then if a man tells a woman she’s right… is the man right or wrong?

*The pollen counts are so high this spring the tweekers are all trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

*My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

*Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.

*I’ve been informed that recently rumors have been circulating that I am very sexy and just fabulous… these rumors, I’m afraid to say, are absolutely true.

*A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is the same thing as your dentist saying “this won’t hurt a bit”.

*One way to determine if you’ve crossed the threshold from young to old is to fall down in front of a group of people… if they laugh at you you’re still young, but if they panic you’re old.

*Dipshidiot:  today’s word of the day. One who is both a dips**t and an idiot all rolled into one package, with a habitat in any major corporation’s administrative offices.

*As a healthcare professional I would suggest always taking a Prozac with your Viagra… that way, if it doesn’t work, you don’t care.

*A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s… because she changes it more often.

*Why did the Mexican take Xanax…for hispanic attacks!

*My idea to call our weekend bicycling group “the pedalphiles” was not well received at all.

*Every day I worry about getting bit by a spider.  I’m not afraid of spiders; mind you… I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

*There’s a sign posted in this restroom that says to flush nothing other than toilet paper down the toilet… now I’m unsure how to proceed.

*I think I’m becoming more mature, finally… now when I watch SpongeBob I find I identify more with Squidward.

*Sir Isaac newton was the most famous member of the family… until his son fig came along.

*If I could time travel I wouldn’t waste time going back and eliminating a baby Hitler or Stalin… but I would at least be able to use every witty comeback that I thought of 10 minutes too late.

 

Follow Up From Last Week’s Photo

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As a follow up to last week’s photo about me not having sex with this woman and that fact I had “mis-spoken”…  word has it she wanted to know what else I had to say…To end this possible illegal texting and conservation I just sent back a two word answer… “Bite me!” …Maybe a bad choice of words looking at those choppers.

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July 15th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #630 (7-15-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns




Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

For all features and  photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Black Vs Blue = *Bruised

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          From what I’m hearing…. Everyone has an opinion on the two black guys being shot… not so much about the dozens that are killed daily by other blacks… Just these two swell young men.  Although everyone has an opinion about the black guy cowardly shooting and killing five white police officers and wounding many others, no one is sponsoring a protest march and the liberal media is not even mentioning it. Instead the media spends its time making news by promoting racial hatred just like your president did Wednesday on national television.

He, your POTUS, horned in on the ceremony to honor the fallen five, and wounded others, and your president mentioned at least three times the white police shooting two black guys… Just like he did in a few others carefully selected shootings he was using to support gun control. He popped off half cocked, waiting for the teleprompter, about the trouble between the police and minorities without even having any facts of the ongoing investigations to determine what really happened. What POTUS is supporting and promoting is “blacklash. That’s my term for this mess.

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Anyone else wonder how the one guy’s girlfriend could sit calmly in the car, seconds after the shooting and  put an anti-cop piece on  Facebook while her friend lay dying right next to her as she calmly said they knew they’re “rights”?

          He. TPOTUS, didn’t even really talk much about the fallen officers but hinted at the weapon being the cause and never mentioned, of course, that it was a black guy who murdered them. He further fanned the flames of racial hatred and the media again spit out this crap while continuing to cover the “protests” and fanning the flames. Every day in Chicago, Obama’s old stomping grounds, blacks kill blacks… forget the fact they have the strictest gun laws in the country.

 

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(Photo: Heidi Smith, second from left, with her daughters, Victoria, left, and Caroline, center, at the funeral of her husband, Sgt. Michael J. Smith, on Wednesday in Dallas. CreditPool photo by Andy Jacobsohn)

          A couple times a week a law enforcement officer is shot or killed somewhere in this country…Ever heard of a protest or a riot, or looting, or groups trying to injure riot control law enforcement persons trying to do their job… of course not.

         I have one suggestion that I want everyone to take to heart: All of you protesters who hate the cops… when you or your loved ones are being shot at, raped, bludgeoned, beat up, assaulted or whatever… call one of your fellow protesters to come quickly and save your ass No? Why not? You hate the police whose full time duty is to protect us and put their lives on the line each and every time they put on the uniform… But the cops are bad; right? The guns are bad… not the law breaking thugs. They are always such wonderful people after they are dead… Again; right? Call your protesting friends for help… it will be better for you and us.

         Your president and the media is slanted the wrong direction but the sad fact is if any of these lamebrains in the media, protesters or any of your president’s ilk call for help guess who will be there ASAP to enforce the laws of the land… It will be your all of a sudden buddy from the local law enforcement.

Were the police right or wrong? Investigations by all local, state and federal agencies will determine that. Was the black shooter of the Dallas police officers right or wrong…? No doubt about that, but where’s the news fueled protests? Where’s the daily follow up on the families of the slain officers? Channel 3 out of Sacramento ran a piece Tuesday on the son of one of the dead thugs… The young boy, to his credit, called for peaceful protests. The editorializing news readers at Channel 3 and the editorializing news readers on Channels 10 and 13 are no better… Not an interview of a family member of the slain policer officers…just a daily follow-up to promote more protests and riots trying to make the news and not just report it; shameful… Just how sick has this country become? We’re *bruised, not broken, but we need a leader to heal us, not hurt us as a people… Like your current president is doing…  Amen brothers and sisters I’m through preaching.

Yes I am and will be pro law enforcement and here’s some advice for anyone of any color if you want to keep from getting shot… Do what you are told to do… period. Be a show off or macho dude some other time in some other place.

  1. Keep your hands in site and do what you are told when you are told to do it. If something isn’t to your liking file a report with the police department, court or DA’s office.
  2. Don’t have a replica BB gun in your household for any reason and don’t make any threats or mention gun if you get stopped. Just shut the hell up, answer the questions, keep your hands in sight, and do what you’re told… Many problems today are coming about because people “know their rights”… right. These Mensa scholars don’t even know how to keep from avoiding trouble… Many are looking for it.
  3. Avoid into getting into an interaction with law enforcement in the first place. If you are profiled so what? If you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide go with the program and everyone goes home no worse for wear.

From The Email Bag…Ouch! New Social Security Checks

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Ted: F.Y.I.  By changing the name of SSC contributions it gives them a means to refute this program in the future. It’s free money for the government to spend under this guise. It is really sad to think that most people will just roll over and accept this as if there is nothing that can be done, but maybe there is if we make a little noise about our displeasure with what they have done to today’s retirees.   I will pass this on you be part of the one percent to forward this.

The Social Security check is now (or soon will be) referred to as a “Federal Benefit Payment”? The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a “Federal Benefit Payment.”

This isn’t a benefit. It is our money paid out of our earned income! Not only did we all contribute to Social Security but our employers did too. It totaled 15% of our income before taxes. If you averaged $30K per year over your working life, that’s close to $180,000 invested in Social Security.

If you calculate the future value of your monthly investment in social security ($375/month, including both you and your employers contributions) at a meager 1% interest rate compounded monthly, after 40 years of working you’d have more than $1.3+ million dollars saved! This is your personal investment. Upon retirement, if you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $39,318 per year, or $3,277 per month.

That’s almost three times more than today’s average Social Security benefit of $1,230 per month, according to the Social Security Administration. (Google it – it’s a fact).

And your retirement fund would last more than 33 years (until you’re 98 if you retire at age 65)! They took our money and used it elsewhere. They forgot (oh yes, they knew) that it was OUR money they were taking. They didn’t have a referendum to ask us if we wanted to lend the money to them.  And they didn’t pay interest on the debt they assumed. And recently they’ve told us that the money won’t support us for very much longer. (Isn’t it funny that they NEVER say this about welfare payments?)

But is it our fault they misused our investments?  And now, to add insult to injury, they’re calling it abenefit”, as if we never worked to earn every penny of it.

Let’s take a stand. We have earned our right to Social Security and Medicare. Demand that our legislators bring some sense into our government. Find a way to keep Social Security and Medicare going for the sake of that 92% of our population who need it. Then call it what it is:  Our Earned Retirement IncomeJ.S. Dixon

 

I did have sex with this woman…

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… Wait a minute I “mis-spoke” I did not have sex with this woman… ooops, wait another moment I “mis-spoke” again… I would not have sex or anything else with this woman… I just goosed her…That’s why the look on her enhanced face…there! I spoke good this time huh? I’m getting this Clinton-speak down pretty good and we’ve got a long way to go until November.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Apparently “occupants” are not eight-legged trousers for octopi.

*At Sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken… this week it was my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

*If smoking weed destroys your short term memory… than what does smoking weed do?

*Our forefathers fought against British rule so that anyone could become president… for the first time in 240 years

We’re regretting that decision.

*I don’t get asked out on a date very often… but when I do it’s always April 1.

*What’s it called when you decide to abruptly stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

*God, creating pigeons: “Make them pace back and forth… like lawyers.”

*You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse”… the moment you said “he” my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

*Instead of waiting on me to better myself… maybe you ought to just lower your expectations.

*After 50 years of marriage my wife still makes me smile… usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

*Getting a job might be a little easier if I stopped using Jack Daniels as a personal reference.

*The Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to the orange… right behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say bananas” knock-knock joke.

*My friends were surprised I bought a used gynecological exam table, but it’s perfect! I can see the TV right between my legs!

*Everyone has their own happy dance… but yours looks more like a seizure.

*I’m going to buy some cheese and put it behind a sheet of glass with a sign that says “in Queso emergency, break glass.”

*My granddaughter asked me if trees poop and I told her “of course they do”… she seemed a little dubious so I further explained, “Why do you think they call them “number 2″ pencils?”

*Bernie’s not quitting… hard to imagine that a man that wants free college for everyone has a hard time facing reality.

*I have this crazy fear of speed bumps… but I’m slowly getting over it.

*I’m taking my first trip to Washington, D.C., really looking forward to seeing where all the nothing happens.

 

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July 9th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #629 (7-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Dixon Has The SolutionA Triple Header!

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With all of the problems in the world today little old Dixon has the solution to peace and tranquility… a third auto parts store… right here in non- River City. If you wondered what was springing up like a mushroom on North First Street (south, across from the 99 cent store) it is a brand spanking new Auto Zone parts store… just a couple of hundred yards from O’Rileys and Napa auto parts stores… You know when the chips are down you just can’t have enough auto parts stores. If the city took a survey I bet the top of the list of people’s wish list would be for another auto parts store…

What do these big businesses think… everybody in Dixon has a car or truck or two or three jacked up in their driveways because we can’t get parts?

A Knew Language!

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You knew it was coming right? It’s called Clintoneese… you know, from the Whitehouse:  “I did not have sex with that woman”… (-she had sex with me). Now his counterpart and wife says: “I did not have any top secrete emails on my personal email” (now she “didn’t lie” her words were, get this, “mis-spoken”).

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Bill grins and gets away with it. Hil-liery just keeps attacking Trump to  divert public attention away from any talk of criminal charges and keep the true believers in tow while she and her husband pocket millions and preach to the poor how unfair it is they can’t share in the wealth… of all the moneyed people…except her and Bill…who are pocketing millions. Go figure. How dumb can people be?

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They put your POTUS back in for a second term and he’s now using millions of our dollars to fly around the country campaigning for Hil-liery saying electing her would continue his programs. He’s saying “No one is better qualified to be President of the United States…” For carp’s sake, you can’t get dumb downed any further than that.

BTW: SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A Naval reservist was sentenced for mishandling classified military materials. A federal attorney announced that Bryan Nishimura of Folsom, California, pleaded guilty to the unauthorized removal and retention of classified materials. Nishimura, deployed in Afghanistan in 2007 and 2008 as a regional engineer, admitted to downloading classified briefings and digital records onto his personal electronic devices. He carried the materials off base and brought them back to the U.S. when his deployment ended. An FBI search of Nishimura’s home turned up classified materials, but did not reveal evidence he intended to distribute them. He was sentenced to two years of probation and a $7,500 fine, and was ordered to surrender his security clearance. He is barred from seeking a future security clearance. Interesting huh? No one’s been charged for doing what she’s done? WTF folks?

 

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Ca.The Land Of Fruits, Nuts and Idiots

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I admit I might make up some things sometimes but this is the gospel, right out of the dumbass attorney and stupid judge’s handbook. Remember back 2012 when voters passed Prop 35 by a whopping 81% of the vote, the most popular initiative (more than 10,000,000 voted for it) in California’s history? Of course you don’t, I didn’t either. Three of the seven provisions were:

  1. Higher prison terms for human traffickers, to hold these criminals accountable.
  2. Require convicted human traffickers to register as sex offenders, to prevent future crimes.
  3. Require all registered sex offenders to disclose their internet accounts, to stop predators online.

But that’s not the point. The 9th U.S. (Obama’s) Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in 2013 parts of the measure violated the free speech of some 73,000 sex offenders who had served their prison terms. Your state elected officials voted to make the reporting requirement of convicted sex fiends a, probably should do, for all of those convicted of a felony after Jan.1, 2017… It goes on and on in detail… but what’s the use? The abnormal, immoral, perverted, kinky and just plain awful people win another round… WTF people, I mean WTF?

 

More Things For Thought

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*Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files if president. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if he’s elected… connect the dots, people. 

*Today I learned that pouring water on someone sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them… it will only piss them off.

*I used to consider myself indecisive… but lately I’m not so sure.

*Do you mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t men two idiots doing the exact same thing at the same time? 

*When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich I usually have an ice cream salad.

*I cried because my internet was slow… until I saw a guy talking to his family because he had no internet at all.

*If someone is taking my time to tell me about their problems… I’d sure as hell better be the cause of them.

*Pigeons treat their ability to fly much like I treat my ability to run.

*Please pardon the mess. The damn cat startled me… and I threw my dinner into the ceiling fan.

*I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack… waiting for me in the fridge at home.

*Just one of my many excuses for gaining weight is that it’s just too hard to carry around this much awesome in a standard sized body.

*One of the things on my bucket list is to figure out how to place a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker on a goose.

*Taco stains on my white polo shirt is my mating call.

*I think I would have made an excellent caveman… because I can finger paint and start fires.

*Wow! Finally got a little time away from the grand kids, two whole hours… it could have been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

*When someone tells me “I think of you as family” I assume I’m going to be hollered at for something that happened years ago.

*”Daddy, I don’t want to grow up and die”… “Awwww. Sweetie, you can die at any age, really”.

*My doctor told me I could get back to my college weight without dieting or counting calories… just go for a brisk 300-mile walk every morning. 

*You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend… it will happen.  Just give it time.

*I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of my dentist and he would still blame it on the fact I don’t floss enough.

*I went line dancing last night.  Well, actually it was a roadside sobriety test… same thing.

*I’m really sorry I threw rice at the coffin… I don’t get invited too much.

*I’m so lazy… I thought about looking at the super moon but then decided 2033 isn’t that far away.

*Ladies, not every guy who talks to you is trying to seduce you… some of us know you have snacks in your purse.

*The wife was looking at a photo of our large extended family and asked “whose funeral was this taken at?”……..my only response was “let’s look and see who’s missing.”

*I think my life would have possibly turned out differently if I’d forwarded those chain letters in the ’80’s.

*Years ago we took the boys and went to an authentic Vietnamese place… the wife and I had Pho, while the boys sewed Nikes.

*Accidentally played dad, instead of dead, when I encountered a bear… now he can ride a bike without training wheels.

*St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

*I told my wife a husband is like a fine wine.  He gets better with age… the next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

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July 1st 2016
That’s Life©1966 #628 (7-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

What Could Be More American…?

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            With the 4th upon us what could be more American than your president just creating (on his own) the first national monument to gay rights. The Stonewall Inn beer joint in Greenwich Village, New York, is now to be called the Stonewall National Monument and covers a 7.7 acre park… and is now part of the National Park Service. Your POTUS said, with a straight face (no pun intended) this monument would “Tell the story of our struggle for LGBT rights”. “Our”? So he’s made a gay beer joint one of our national monuments…what a legacy… Is he a great president or what? Its true check it out.

 

Fourth Of July Monday
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            Being one of the initial supporters of having “Safe and Sane” fireworks available for Dixon families we, Linda and I (& Dixon Toys for Tots) have spent each 4th in the plywood box filled with gunpowder, in 100 degree weather, selling fireworks in cooperation with the Dixon American Legion bunch. Same thing this year.

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We and our people will be there all day on the 3rd from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. and from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the 4th. For this effort we get 1/7th of the profits from the sale to kick off our 50th annual Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs fund drive. And the Legion kicks in more money each Christmas too… So stop by this booth anytime and buy your explosive stuff and we’ll get part of the money from it… Or stop by on the 3rd or 4th   and buy some more stuff and say hi.

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NRA Dinner Next Friday

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Sorry but you have never had a really great, group prepared, fresh cut, New York steak dinner until you’ve had one at a Dixon NRA dinner. Your chance will be here next Friday, July 8. If you’ve never been to one, and there are any tickets left, you should try to attend. There will be a couple of dozen guns in the big raffles plus dozens of other prizes, and the auction, for even more cool sportspeople stuff.

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            The Dixon Game Club puts on the fund raiser for the NRA and in turn it has been getting yearly grants from the organization to help with the club’s and youth shooting sports.  Tickets ($60 each) can be obtained by calling Ed at 707-678-2777. Or purchased at Buds Bar and Grill in Dixon… while they last. Linda and I will be at the door and at various other spots working the event… so make sure to say hello.

Good News… Bad News

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Last Sunday my neighbor and fishing partner, Shane Nichols, hit Lake Berryessa at first light… and there was hardly a boat on the entire lake. All the way over to the narrows… not a boat or a person… “Spooky,” Shane said, “I wonder if there’s been some sort of toxic something happen we didn’t hear about?” Not a person and not a boat for hours… Nada, no fish either, it was eerie. About 9 a.m. when it was getting hot I got the only real bite of the day fishing a plastic worm, on a drop off, and caught the biggest bass of my life; 24 inches and 6 plus pounds. I’ve caught literally hundreds of black bass recently. Shane and I have been averaging about 50 bass a trip in recent weeks in the delta… but nothing like this hog… It took a while to land. Then we looked around and still no boats. About 10 a.m. rented houseboats started chugging towards Markley (that now gouges you $20 to launch on weekends).

Then the ski nuts started getting up and as the sun started towards high noon the lake became busy. We had planned to get out before it got too hot so we headed in just as the hordes descended on the lake.

The launch ramp saw many individuals in semi-organized chaos… with only two lanes and A LOT of people trying to put in and get out at the same time. There was a BIG line launching (at high noon in the oppressive heat) and a somewhat smaller line waiting to get out. Markley closed the closest ramp so you have to go way around to the other one, walk back up a half a mile and park and then walk back. Surprisingly we saw no hassles… but it was early and the drinking hadn’t really gone gonzo yet. We can’t imagine what it would be like towards dark… and to tell you the truth we don’t really want to know. Nor do we want to be there when the drunks and the family boaters all try to get their boats out of the two lane ramp, slapping mosquitoes, and taking care of tired sunburned children. We will never go to Berryessa or Markley on a weekend in the summer EVER AGAIN. You don’t want to either. If you have to go to the lake, drive around to the back side to launch.

Good news for me was I caught my personal best black bass and the bad news was… It was a friggin zoo once the Saturday night hangover crew started arriving and zip skiing all over the lake… in competition with the families pulling the kids on boards or tubes… it was scary.

 

More Things For Thought

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*A truck full of Viagra was stolen today… Dixon police have asked the public to be on the alert for a group of hardened criminals.

*Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us it’s ok to eat before bed and throughout the night.

*No, you may not “axe” me a question… I don’t speak Wal-Mart.

*When someone tells you they cut their own hair… it’s only polite to act surprised.

*I thought I saw Jesus in a piece of toast this morning but after a good deal of study I’ve decided I was wrong… it’s just a fellow who looks an awful lot like Him.

*The woman wearing yoga pants walking in front of me keeps bending over and picking up quarters.  Hope she’ll do it for dimes too… I’m out of quarters.

*Just saying “yes” to something is boring… so I’ve changed my response to “Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti”.

*I’ve found that it’s not pride that comes before a fall… rather it’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table I’d completely forgotten about.

*You really can’t fix stupid… but you can numb it with a 2×4.

*This guy on social media posted a picture of his baby with the caption “First Easter”…..no way!  We’ve had nearly 2000 of them; we’re not starting over for this little stooge!

Don’t judge!  Perhaps I’m just conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on the human body…..you don’t know!

*I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society… no one ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.

*I don’t understand, but I also don’t care… so it all works out.

*Look mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 40 is too old to be living with your parents… but it’s not going to help us find my iguana any faster.

*I’m always amused by the saying “say no to drugs”… if you’re talking to drugs it’s probably too late to say no.

*Whenever I go for a run I meet new people… like paramedics.

*New parents tell you their newborns weight because they have no other information… they can’t say “Meet Caleb, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”

*If I have a panic attack I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…….and drink all the bourbon inside.  It seems to help.

*Why did Buckwheat wash his clothes in tide…it was too cold out tide!

*Donald Trump looks like the kinda guy that would dribble a basketball with two hands.

*What manner of evil contract must I make with the devil in order to get these eye drops INTO my eyes?

*I was stuck in horrible bumper-to-bumper traffic… but fortunately someone started honking their horn so we should be moving soon.

*Damn!  Woke up ugly again!

*The percentage of religious people in society is declining… because when they kneel by the bed to pray that’s when the monsters get them.

*Patience:  Something you have when there are too many witnesses.

*It’s a real milestone when your sweetheart feels comfortable enough to cut one when you’re in the room… unfortunately that room was my parent’s kitchen.

*Whoever thought up the spelling of the word “queue” is steuepid.

*The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding a way to work it into every single conversation you have.

*Today’s lunch: Two thick, greasy pan-fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown potato casserole, and peach cobbler… then a quick defibrillation and two stents.

*I was a guinea pig in a recent scientific study… or at least I thought I was until the LSD wore off.

 

 
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June 24th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #627 (6-24-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

Most Injured Body Parts From Fireworks…

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…Just be careful!

 

Safe And Sane…
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          Safe and Sane… those are the key words here. Dixon is going into its 6th year of selling the LEGALSafe and Sane” fireworks and the booths have just popped up like mushrooms.

We, Dixon Toys for Tots, have been involved in the sales since day one and have fully supported the effort which has netted our group thousands of dollars working with the American Legion. The Legion has had the booth at Safeway each year and  our people work one day and a bit on the 4th for our 1/7 share of the profit.

We were drawn on our own this year but gave up our spot at WalMart to the Historical Society/Sorptomist; two of our supporters. We demand way too much time from our volunteers at Christmas to ask them to take even more vacation in the summer to help us. Linda, me, and our people will be in the booth at Safeway all day on the 3rd  (10 to 10) and from 11a.m.  to 2 p. m. on the 4th… stop by the plywood box filled with gunpowder in 100 + degree weather to say the usual, “Damn its hot, you guy are nuts” and buy some goodies for you and the littler kids… Neighbors shooting off the big stuff or anything that goes into the air… Call the PD or FD and turn them in (anonymously if you wish) before they burn down or damage your home, car or kid.

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Food Truck Gatherting Tonight

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            Tonight, Friday, the “Food Truck Mania” will again descend upon Dixonittes (or Dixontonians or Dixiecups, or whatever) with about a dozen food trucks serving a variety of ethnic foods at reasonable prices. The will operate from 5 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at Hall Park just south of the swimming pool. Mad dogs, Englishmen and food truck treckies come out in the late day 90’s sun. The food  is worth a trip if you’ve never been and if you’ve been there before… theeey’re baaack.

 

You Gotta Love Beniciaians

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            The BMFCS Benicia Movement For Common Sense (I made that up) has raised enough of a ruckus about their hometown big employer Valero wanting to build a compound big enough to swallow two 50 car trainloads a day carrying up to 70,000 barrels each day of crude oil… You know the kind that blows up and pollutes the air and water and fries whatever’s near it. A half-a- dozen organizations are fighting it and yea for the the Benicia Planning commission which had the balls to unanimously oppose it. Valero is saying they are under the federal rule and local government has nothing to say about it (Obamaspeak).The city council decided on a 3-2 vote (can you say campaign funding?) to wait until its Sept. 20th meeting to make any decisions… Remember in today’s Obama federal kingdom reign what his people want goes…

Why should you care what the down county Benicianians do? BECAUSE THE 100 CARS A DAY OF THE TOXIC, HIGHLY FLAMABLE OIL WILL BE COMING RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR CITY. I asked your city council to oppose it and all I got was a “Do you know how much Valero does for the income of Benicia and Solano County” or some such garbage. Who gives a rat’s patoot how much some people are making off the stinky oil if its used to cook a major part of our town in a derailment… Huh? Answer me that.

 

My Weekly Readers

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From “Sitemeter”… it shows 193,299 reads of this column’s on-line version under tedhickman.com. I get a weekly update showing where the readers are from and basically they come from everywhere we’ve traveled hunting and fishing and on vacation… that covers a lot of the planet. So I looked yesterday and in the past couple of weeks this column has been read in: Pomona, Mountain View, Los Angeles, San Bernardino, Palo Alto, Los Molinos, Roseville, Rocklin, etc. just in California. Other spots are: Lincoln R.I. Limoges, France, Conroe Texas, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Overland Park, Kansas, Centerville, South Dakota, Portland, Oregon, Abermant, Alabama, Beijing (3) China, Mount Laurel, New Jersey, Taiwan, Akron, Ohio, Vejle, Denmark, Baku, Baki, Azerbaijan (wtf?) Blumenau, Brazil, Union, Iowa, Mount Laurel, New Jersey, Spring Grove, Penn., Oneonta, New York, Toronto, B.C. and Montréal, Canada, Moulineaux-Haute, Normandie the list goes on and on with Sacramento, Reno and other nearby spots too… The point? Don’t think I have one set of readers from the 5 to 6,000 copies of the paper here… I just found it interesting (and was surprised) that people elsewhere read this, and without knowing me and my sense of humor… What must they think about some of the stuff my keyboard writes!

 

More Things For Thought

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*Global warming is apparently real. The number of hot chicks coming into work has greatly increased since 2007… that cannot just be coincidence.

*Yes, your baby might be adorable… but so is my dog but he cleans his own butt.

*I run like the winded.

*“You do realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhone, right?”… Apparently the wrong response to my grandson’s homemade gift he gave me for Father’s Day.

*They make gluten-free communion wafers now… I guess they represent the beach-body of Christ.

*The fact that I have a larger selection of clothing to sleep in than to go out in says a lot about me.

*Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home… it only fills the parents with hope.

*I won the lottery!  So the hell with all of you… sorry, just practicing.

*Sometimes I think I’m too picky… then I watch my dog try to find a place to poop.

*You know you’ve got a weight problem when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

*For something fun to do walk into a flower shop and ask to see the Chlamydias… that one never gets old.

*Biology is the only science where multiplying and dividing are the same damn thing.

*True love is waking up next to your partner and thinking “I could smother her with a pillow, or fix breakfast.”… ”Ok, pancakes it is!”

*I wonder if gorillas in other zoos have started setting crap on fire and looting the gift shops?

*I’m adopting a healthier lifestyle… so I parked the car and walked inside to buy donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

*Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I understand your pain and it’s gonna be ok, here’s a beer… and two million dollars.”

*Learning English is hard but it can be taught… through tough thorough thought though.

*Getting off is good. Getting laid is good… getting laid off is bad.

*Marriage:  a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can’t take care of himself.

*Was Barry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gaye… these are things that make Stevie Wonder.

*I’ve been doing so poorly with the ladies lately I met a girl who was both a nymphomaniac and bisexual… and she told me I wasn’t her type!

*I miss being a kid when my only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot… and someone else was in charge of my hair.

*I would bet that all those girls who ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

*When the wife does our granddaughter’s hair, “how about a double-French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”… when I did her hair, “how ‘bout a hat?”

*Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder… and then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over myself.

*Before you speak, listen.  Before you act, think.  Before you give up, try… before you use a restroom check to be sure there’s paper.

*If I had 10 cookies and you took half do you know what you would have… that’s right.  A black eye and probably a broken hand.

*I want someone I can share my entire life with… who will leave me alone most of the time.

*As a child I lived by a very simple philosophy… if you’re not barefoot then you’re overdressed.

*I hate it when people eating yogurt go apes*** for 15 minutes scraping the container for every last bit… for Cripes sakes, its yogurt, not cocaine!

*Auto correct has yet to figure out how often I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

 

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WE ARE ONE OF THE FEW INDEPENDENT VOICES LEFT IN AMERICA!

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