November 25th 2016
Dixon Toys for Tots NEWS RELEASE 2.

Posted under That's Life Columns

Dixon Toys For Tots/Christmas Programs

Kicks off 50th year of operation this week

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Celebrating its 50th consecutive years of operation the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs decided this past week to put out the collection boxes a week earlier than usual. With the cold weather setting in there appears to be a looming critical need for warm children’s coats.

There are now 13 boxes placed around Dixon to collect both toys and coats; with coats having the highest priority according to Pam Murdock, (707-685-4485) coat chairperson. The goal again this year is to collect about 1,000 warm, clean children’s coats. Sweaters, sweatshirts and other gently used warm clothing from newborn to high school age are also needed.

Shane Nichols (flyboynichols@gmail.com) and Randy Aguirre have placed collection boxes at: Dixon City Hall, police department, fire department, First Northern Bank, Cynde’s Place, Ace Hardware, Tractor Supply, Dixon Dance Studio, Curves, Ramtown Karate, the Scrapbook Store, the UPS Store, C-21 Real Estate office and Travis Credit Union. Other businesses that wish to have a box, and have the space and security for one, can call 707-678-2203 and request one.

Families can sign up for the various programs on December 6, 7, and 8 from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at the Dixon Fire Department on Ford Way. Question about signups can be answered by Tanace Hatchel at 707-330-8626.

Financial donations can be made at either the First Northern Bank or Wels Fargo under the Name of Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs. So far this year the programs are only about one-third of the way to their financial goal and the amount of families to receive food for the three weeks their children are out of school will be determined by the success of the fund drive according to chairperson Ted Hickman. He said an estimated 300 families with about 600 children will apply for assistance this year. In addition to Santa’s Workshop, food for families, coats, trees, etc. over 100 senior citizens will be visited by volunteers on Christmas Eve and presented with a gift basket. The senior coordinator is Monica Sepulveda (405-365-4455).

The Christmas programs are carried out by an all-volunteer seasonal army of hundreds of local citizens and financed strictly by private donations with no government involvement or assistance, according to Hickman. He said all of this is done in the spirit of the holiday to make sure no child or senior goes hungry or without a visit from Santa or one of his helpers before Christmas.

For information on the programs for Spanish speaking people  call Arlene Jimenez at 707-676-5104 or Jose or Lorena Perez at 707-384-3251.

 

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November 25th 2016
2016 Dixon Toys for Tots Coats for Kids

Posted under That's Life Columns

With really cold weather now approaching the local Dixon Christmas programs to help the less fortunate is well underway with a plea for warm, clean, lightly used children’s clothing, according to Coats for Kids chairperson, Pam Murdock. She said, “If everyone could see the hundreds of chilly children we see coming into Santa’s Workshop I’m sure they would go through their closets and find coats their children have out grown and donate then to our program”.

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Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs collection boxes have been placed at: Dixon City Hall, police department, fire department, First Northern Bank, Cynde’s Place, Ace Hardware, Tractor Supply, Dixon Dance Studio, Curves, Ramtown Karate, the Scrapbook Store, the UPS Store, C-21 Real Estate office and Travis Credit Union. Other businesses that wish to have a box, and have the space and security for one, can call 707-678-2203 and request one.

 

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November 25th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #649 (11-25-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Is now in full operation…


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

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Black Friday Special 95% OFf

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            Never thought I ever root against the 49ers but between the players doing their vulgar sissy “look only at me” dances and Colon Crap-er-nick doing his anti-American-anti-cop crap, I, like thousands of others, want them to lose. Gotta admit Colon is doing a great $15 million job of destroying the coach and the club. His record setting performance will be long remembered as the loosingist quarterback in franchise history. I just feel sorry for the coach and other players. If he can protest with one knee everyone else who supports law enforcement and our servicemen and women- can protest his protest- with one finger.

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Now to add insult to injury this pride of Turdlock, Ca. Told the press he “refused to vote in this election”… now he admits he didn’t vote in this election… or any election… because he isn’t even registered to vote and never has been. What a role model for young Democrats huh? Karma is busting his chops and I’m still waiting for a big opposing line man who has a relative that is in the service or law enforcement to pile drive him… or at least break the knee he uses to “protest”.

In order to seem like he really cared he reportedly is setting up a tax shelter of $1 million to work on social problems. I can see him getting “injured” again in the near future so he can collect his millions for not working… again. They need to boot this bum out of San Francisco… No wait, can’t do that SF is a “sanctuary city” that may soon be losing is federal funding (Yea) and they’ll need him as their anti-stuff fund raiser to pay their bills… Go Raiders!

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 A Congressional Limerick

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            There once was a congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor

He was forced from the hill,

for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

 And The Moral Is:

You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.

 

Ever wondered what happens when  

Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

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 *My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.

*Sorry, heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.

*Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…’What the hell was I thinking?

*Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

*How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

*I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.

*I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

*As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

*Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go… Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.

*Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

*Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

*When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

*We have been friends for a very long time … let’s say we stop?

* I’m so miserable without you it’s almost like you’re here.

*Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

*Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday… So we’re having you put to sleep.

*So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

 

More Things For Thought2016-9-30e

 

  • At holiday parties I find one of the topics of bitter controversy that often comes up apparently concerns the best way to cross a small river… Roe vs Wade.  
  • It’s getting to that point on Sunday watching the Niners that you’re considering having a triple vodka and bleach.
  • They’re right, raising children does take a village… preferably one with many vineyards.
  • Victoria’s secret has banned nursing mothers from feeding their children in their stores… apparently they don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea what breasts are for.
  • Crap! My e-mail password has been hacked again… this will be the third time I’ve had to re-name the darned cat.
  • Shout out to my sweatpants for sticking with me through thick and thicker!
  • I get caught zipping my pants up while standing next to the turkey just one time… and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore.
  • I would think the hardest part of being a vegan would be getting up so early in the morning to milk all those almonds.
  • Burnt my Hawaiian pizza tonight… I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
  • It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog share the same middle name.
  • Raise your hand if you’ve ever run out of toilet paper and been forced to use a coffee filter… so, just me?
  • Its thanksgiving and our annual big family dinner… it’s an election year so that means at least four fist fights and someone getting disowned.
  • If dumping the last of the chips into the dip and eating it with a spoon is wrong… then I don’t wanna be right.
  • Anyone got their Christmas tree up yet?  I have… up in the attic where it belongs for the next few weeks.
  • Trump or Clinton…it’s kinda like deciding if you want Charlie Manson or O.J. Simpson to watch the kids for you.
  • I hate going to Costco during the holidays.  Went for some milk and bread… came home with a two-man tent, a chainsaw and a trumpet.
  • I start the day with Cap’n crunch and end the day with Captain Morgan… I seem to want to be a pirate.
  • Seen on a taco truck… “Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by topless Mayan virgins… or Carlos, depending on who’s available.”
  • It’s getting to that point on Sunday watching the Niners that you’re considering having a triple vodka and bleach.
  • I’ve never run a marathon… but once I scurried across a parking lot super-fast ‘cuz Dunkin Donuts was about to close.

 

  • Now that the elections over I sure hope Donald Trump doesn’t deport my Mexican ex-girlfriend that lives at 242 South First St, Oakland, Ca. 84573.
  • Call me a hopeless romantic… but I remember when you had to be in the same room with someone to show them your genitals.
  • I bet Lincoln is looking down at Pence and thinking, “Dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in the theater!”
  • Lethal weapon is my favorite movie, at least from a medical perspective… as it demonstrates the best method of how to repair a dislocated shoulder.
  • What’s the difference between lingerie and pajamas… about 20 years.
  • The wife explained to me there isn’t a key to her heart… but that I can probably jimmy that thing open with a credit card.
  • The unmarried lady down the street told me she’s been working on a new perfume she wants to call “forever single”… says it smells like a combination of lean cuisines and cats.
  • Nobody seems to even care about my dyslexia… until I spit in the “tips” jar at Starbucks
  • I asked my wife to pick up some twenty-five year caulk at home depot… and she never came home.
  • I think I’m a lot like the moon… we’re both white, round, and difficult to take a decent picture of.

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November 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #648 (11-18-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

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Bud Fanning Calls

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It’s about 8:30 a.m. last Sunday morning and I get a call from Bud Fanning (the owner of Bud’s Pub downtown) about a hot air balloon just clearing the railroad tracks and power lines and landing in a small space between the back of the Cornerstone Church and the north side of the apartments in the Pulte subdivision. I sleepily said, “Yeah Bud OK, take a picture for me will ya?” I hung up the phone… Then to our surprise voices were coming from the heavens above as we opened our eyes. We ran out back (like 10 steps) with ma in her nightgown and me in my cap and looked like we just woke from a long winter’s nap. Up in the sky our eyes did look when right on top of us a dozen or so looked down on us… so much for the poem type crap.

This balloon couldn’t have been more than 100 yards or so high and we could hear them talking, and we saw them, and they saw us. The gas bursts scared the hell out of all the area dogs.

It was on then. I ran in, grabbed my camera, put on a minimum of clothing and took off for somewhere… I wasn’t sure where. I followed the balloon and had to make an end around down Porter Rd. to Midway and the back way into Pulte just in time to see this one land.

Come to find out five balloons landed in the relative small space all not much more than 100 yards apart from each other. I asked one of the balloon deflators if they chose this small space to land in. He said, “We all (two different companies) took off from the Yolo County Airport and this is where the currents brought us. You kind of have to land where you land you know”… Now you know the whole story. I know some ranchers and farmers who aren’t too keen on landing wherever please… you know?

 

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Ever wonder how Brussel sprouts grew? On a stalk… now you know!

 

True Story: News Update from Canada

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(From our friend John) The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s.

“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD’s, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said.  “After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

 

A Beautiful Poem

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Let’s stop the name calling 

Let’s quit bawling

Your party lost

My party won

So let us be friends

Let arguments pass

I’ll hug my elephant

You kiss your Ass!

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Wow! That was quick!

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More Things For Thought

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*I’m smarter than I look.  I was going to say ‘more intelligenter’… but I didn’t know how to spell it.

*Who was the clown that called it a “Brazilian” and not a “tropical smoothie”?

*They recommend that one start reading to their children as early as possible… I’ve found 4:30am ticks them off pretty well.

*Life is way too short to spend time on matching socks.

*Why a man should ever want to marry a woman is a mystery… why a man should ever want to marry two women is a bigamystery.

*Never ask WebMD for medical advice… I’ve gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks of the mouse.

*Unless you’re a bottle of olive oil your virginity has absolutely no bearing on your quality.

*Your phone’s screen is brighter than your future… but that’s really none of my business.

*Did you know that if you go outside and light a candle under the moonlight and then repeat the name of the person you love three times… you’ll look really stupid?

*Cheating is like eating fast food… you do it, you enjoy it, and then you end up feeling like crap.

*Whoever currently has possession of the voodoo doll of me would you please scratch my butt… I’m in public and can’t do it.

*My sister-in-law’s gynecologist recognized her at the grocery store… I told her she needed to wear longer skirts.

*I wonder if the clothes in china have a tag in them that says “made around the corner”.

*I’m such a bozo. I was just introduced to a girl from Scotland… and the only thing I could think to say is “your people make great tape!”

*Why is “yolo” so popular all of a sudden… was there a problem that people actually think we live twice?

*Ever look at one of your ex’s and think ‘was I blind drunk during our whole relationship’?

*My voice may sound like a thousand dying cats… but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to sing along when my favorite song comes on.

*It’s no longer “boxed wine”… the classy name for it is “cardboardeaux”.

*What would happen if you gave a Viagra to a snake?

*After all this Starbuck’s cup controversy if Taco Bell was smart they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers.

*Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a well-worded tee-shirt to really change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

*I used to play the triangle in a reggae band… but I left ‘cuz it was just one ting after another.

*Hillary said: “It’s time to have a woman in the white house”… Bill thinks, “hmmmm, been there, done that!”

*Is throwing rice at the bride and groom at a Chinese wedding considered lucky… or a food fight?

*The only way to get conservatives concerned about the climate change issue is to convince them the climate is gay.

*”Fruit” and “urinal” give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

*I don’t make fun of those less fortunate than me, but it’s not a matter of the moral high ground… I just don’t know anyone less fortunate than I am.

*Statistics say 29% of people sleep with their pets in bed with them… So I tried it, but by morning my goldfish was dead.

*Whenever I’m feeling fat I try not to stress about it… and just keep my chins up.

*After my prostate exam the doctor was leaving the room just as the nurse entered and uttered the three words no man wants to hear… “Who was that?”

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November 12th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #647 (11-11-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

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Thom’s in, Jack’s out!

Dixon election results: Thom Bogue, left, in as mayor and hardworking, long time Mayor Jack Batchelor is out. Devon Minnema (AKA ‘the kid”… I love doing this because that’s what they called me when I was first elected decades ago) will be on the city council and Jerry Castanon is out. The Bird man Steve kept his seat. So you have a new mayor and councilman and new city treasurer, Wesley Atkinson, whom I don’t know… The Donald won and dope is now legal …Wow man what an election!

 

Today is Veteran’s Day; Know one? Thank them!


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 From Wednesday’s email: Ted Hickman: 

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They said we could never do it. But last night you showed the world that America will once again be a country of, for, and by the PEOPLE.
You fought like a winner, you defied all odds, and history will forever remember the role you played in taking our country back. I never could’ve done it without you, Ted Hickman. Thank you and God bless you,
Donald J. Trump… 
I’m guessing all Trump supporters got one of these but who cares? This one’s mine!

Local Vet Not Happy With Ancestry

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True story: Local veterinarian Dr. Peter Timm had National Geographic do an ancestry check on his DNA. He said he was really disappointed with the result that he was “Hoping to be at least more than 2.1% Neanderthal to beat the average”.  It came out he was like 30 percent Scandinavian, 30 percent Eastern European, 12.6 per cent Scrooge, 38.8 percent Heinz 57, and only 1.2% Neanderthal. He was really bummed hoping he could at least beat the average amount of Neanderthal in his genes. He said he felt he was at least part Viking and some kind of Nordic something. He also said he was disappointed he wasn’t related to “Lucy”. I thought for a minute he meant Lucy Vassar or Lucy Arnez but I guess he meant the frozen Lucy that reportedly is even older than Peter.

 

Rohwer Insurance Turns 70

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It was nice seeing old friends like John Dawson and Gary Archer at Rohwer Insurance’s 70th anniversary celebration Saturday in downtown Dixon.

About five decades ago Hans Rohwer, grand pappy, great and great-great to today’s descendants talked me into running for the Dixon City Council… which I did… when I was the young Editor of the Dixon Tribune. He guided me into all kinds of crap and sat back with an honest, quiet demeanor and tisk-tisked the things I did to the good old boys down at Dawson’s. He’d set me on a path and then pat me on the back in private while condemning me in pubic. As the former Mayor he had some scores to settle and between the newspaper and my council seat he lived vicariously through me… I got a kick out of it too. People couldn’t figure out how the hell I knew what I knew and it drove them to drink (it didn’t take much to do that). They NEVER suspected kindly old Hans of feeding me all the stuff I (Hans) came up with. It was a wild time for the new kid in town. And on top of that the publisher of the paper, Fred Dunnicliff, loved it too… seeing the power structure rushing to get the paper to see who and what was in it. There used to be a line around the block waiting for copies… no kidding. It was in that era I won first place State (CNPA) and National (NNA) newspaper awards and was nominated for the Pulitzer from stories in the little old Tribune.

 

What did you do Saturday?

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We started at 7:30 in the morning going to the annual Dixon Game Club’s youth pheasant hunt. We snuck out about noon to watch our granddaughter play soccer, then swung by the Methodist Church to miss their 150 birthday celebration, (but said a silent prayer as we passed by to do our part) and then on to Rohwer’s Insurance 70th birthday and then to the new West Coast Archery Shop’s grand opening (out in that little shopping center off West A Street, by the church, that can been seen from the highway). We were going to the chamber’s epicurean food and wine thing but wore out. The DHS Hall of Fame dinner was that night also I think. THERE ARE 364 OTHER DAYS OF THE YEAR PEOPLE. Can you believe in a town this size the chamber or someone can’t have a community calendar where people can check and not schedule their event stacked on top of others. I’ve been whining about this for years to no avail. When they do set up a calendar nobody checks with them so where do you go from there?

More Things For Thought

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*Toddlers are the only life form that exists solely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker and half a chicken nugget a day.

*Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

*Should I be worried that all the TV shows that I enjoy the most have commercials about catheters and incontinence?

*And on the sixth day God created man first, so that he could enjoy a few minutes on earth without saying the wrong thing to a woman.

*You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the ever elusive and rare Totino’s frozen pizza.

*Are cops even aware that they’re dressed like strippers?

*The really sad part about getting old is you stay young on the inside…..but nobody can tell.

*Scientology: Because even Jehovah’s witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

*My wife tends to stay up all night and then sleep most of the day… perhaps she was meant to live on the other side of the planet.

*Before we announce the winner of the best bomb defusal award let’s all take a moment and remember the runner ups.

*Never go shopping on an empty stomach… I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtlenecks.

*My pet bear’s diarrhea problems are beginning to worry me…  the vet said he was getting better, but he’s not out of the woods yet.

*It’s the time of year where you could tell Halloween was just around the corner… because Wal-Mart is dragging out their Christmas stuff.

*”My dog sounds like he’s trying to speak a foreign language.”… “Espanola?”… “No, he’s a Labrador.”

*Make your own bacon… trick a pig into running headlong through a harp!

*So this guy on the bus said “nice 1970’s denim vest, dips**t”… I get compliments like that all the time.

*I’m going to be proud of my granddaughter no matter what she grows up to be.  If she grows up to be a serial killer I can hear myself bragging… “Excuse me, that’s 17 known victims.”

*If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later… there is literally no way to warn them. (Think about it!)

*People who say that watching golf on television is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio.

*I asked a really attractive Asian lady for her phone number, she said “sex,sex,sex, free sex tonight”.  I was startled… then her friend said “She means 666-3629.” (Sound it out.)

*Trust me on this.  Don’t raise guinea pigs… they’re a helluva lot of trouble for very little meat.

*Of course I work out:  I do burpees after drinking soda, lunges to grab the last slice of pizza, and squats if I drop the darned thing.

*The first thing they teach you at AA meetings is to stop hanging around other alcoholics… for once I paid attention and never went back.

*Today someone was killed with a starter pistol… the police are saying it may be race related. (Moan…)

*Ya know what I dislike the most about these women that demand to breastfeed in public… they never wink back.

*Late last night a man approached me in the park and asked if I had any s**t.  “Why yes I do.” I replied.  He gave me $40 and took the bag I was carrying… I think I’ll walk my dog in the park more often.  

*I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung galaxy telephones.

*When life gives you melons… wear a low cut top.

*In an attempt to reduce PMS distress manufacturers are contemplating placing prizes in tampon boxes… “Yes, we know your period sucks but here’s a coupon for 50% off ice cream, you cranky broad”.

*Christian mingle profile tip: Do not write down you’re ‘Christian as hell.’

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October 28th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #645 (10-28-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

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HRC’s ride to the Whitehouse

 

 

Halloween In & Around Dixon

Check Megan’s Law  to see if there are any registered sex offenders in your neighborhood.

 

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            Basically you have three choices without straying far from home: Silveyville Pumpkin Farm, Cool Patch or the Hickman Special Corn Maze… all three have their advantages.

  1. Silveyville is the closest to town right across the freeway from McDonalds, over the over pass and make the first turn to the left on, guess what… Silveyville Rd. Go about a quarter mile west you’ll see it. Free parking and free admission and a kids place to go. They’re open from 10 am to 6 pm seven days a week, rain or shine. They have all kinds of stuff for the little one and things of interest for the little older crowd too. Their face painting is really cool (see photo). They have pumpkins from 50 cents to $50. They have a hay ride and kiddies stuff and a train and a lot of stuff to see and do and buy. Top two photos.

 

 

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  1. Cool Patch is out by the freeway just off the highway and Curry Road going over the overpass from Cattleman’s headed north. They have free parking You can explore their pick pumpkin patch featuring edible and non-edible pumpkins, gourds, squash, and more!

The pumpkin patch fun zone (for all ages) is $5 per person with Infants Free (in case you need one guess)

They have a Mini Maze, Corn Bath, Trikes, Hay Castle, and more stuff. The hay ride is $3 person, infants free (again with a free kid I guess).

Take a Grand Tour of the Patch! PUMPKIN CANNON | $2.00/pumpkin shot or $8.00/six pumpkin shots.  Take Your Shot at the Mini Pumpkin Launching Cannon out in their parking lot! And their big draw is the “world record corn maze”… a standing corn field you can walk through and try to find your way out for $15 a head. This is for the older kids to do and try it at night if you want a real trip.  Our family goes through that kind of stuff just hunting pheasants but the city folks seem to eat this attraction up. See two photos above.

 

Silveyville, Cool Patch and the Hickman Corn Maze

 

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  1. I saved the best for last… the annual Hickman Korn Maze for blonds… pretty famous world-wide. I ran into two blonds looking for the place in Wal-Mart’s parking lot. They were arguing over having locked their keys in the car. I settled the dispute for them when I told them it was about to rain and the top was down on their car…They thanked me and sped off to our corn maze without even asking directions… go figure. It is open 24/7 from now till Christmas Eve and it is only $3.75 for an all-day experience. For those who find their way out in less than two hours will get half of their money back. How about that! The new attraction this year is the 68 and ½ acre cow pie mine field. It’s on $7.50 and is done in the dark and if you can come back with clean shoes, again, you get half of your money back. What a hoot! See photo above

Scary huh?

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More Things For Thought2016-10-28g

*Breaking news: The FBI has discovered that almost all of Hillary’s 30,000 deleted e-mails were Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

*I caught two kids drinking beer outside my office today… 15 minutes later my boss caught me and two kids drinking beer outside my office today.

*It is not socially acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo even if you are in Wal-Mart… I know this now.

*Chinese takeout… $22, delivery charge… $3, realizing the idiots have forgotten part of your order… riceless.

*It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further… of course, that’s not going to stop me.

*”Those weren’t raisinets!”… a mouse tale.

*Describing someone’s cupcakes as “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them.

*Misery loves company… and from what I can tell the one she loves is the one where I work.

*The new neighbor claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away… seems a bit farfetched to me. (Groan…)

*I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.  Or maybe she said “A tent of lovers”… I really wasn’t listening.  

*I bet that all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

*Long before my grandson was old enough to start school I taught him how to spell beer… so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

*I’ve always felt that the worst part of kissing a “perfect 10” is how cold the mirror feels on my lips.

*I’m done chasing after people who aren’t willing to do the same for me… so after today the ice cream man can go skrew himself!

*Mosquitos are like dirty, used needles… that can fly.

*I’m trying to decide which one of you I need to put in charge of being sure that someone inscribes “wish you were here” on my tombstone.

*I asked the clerk at the book store if they had any books on turtles… “Hard back?” he asked… “yeah, with little heads.”

*Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn’t have to spend so much money not to be naked… in fact; people should be paying me not to be naked.

*My dancing style is best described as “Guy on Maury who just found out he isn’t the father”.

*I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight……because I’m on it and that’s just not happening.

*Imagine my surprise when I found out that “don’t” was not the abbreviation for “donut”.

*I take great comfort in the fact that my neighbor will probably die before me and I’ll be attending his funeral… leaf blowing through the whole thing.  

*If I died and went straight to hell it would probably take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.

*There should be a “booze truck” that drives around neighborhoods in the evening with bagpipe music blasting and we all run out with our money… sorta like an ice cream truck for adults.

*When you clean out a vacuum cleaner… do you become a vacuum cleaner? 

*The only reason they called Darth Vader “darth vader” was because “master vader” just didn’t quite sound right.

*You’ve got to hand it to midgets… because the odds are they aren’t going to be able to reach it anyway.

*If the bible was called “The adventures of Jesus and friends” I bet a lot more people would read it.

*I can remember when ‘transparent’ meant “see through”… not dad wearing mom’s clothes.

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October 21st 2016
That’s Life©1966 #644 (10-21-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

 Colon Crap-er-nick will be remembered as the Jane Fonda of football… what a legacy.  And now he’s a loser QB too… Karma craps on Colon…Yea!

The Multi-talented Linda Hickman
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Linda and her mom and 4 grand kids

This Happened Last Week

 
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 Left to right: Mary Hagerman, U.S. Congressman John Garamendi and Linda Hickman.

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            For over 50 years my first wife Linda has been involved in this community pretty much like no other woman. She has received virtually no recognition, sought none and wanted none. Here is a short list of some of the things she’s done: She was in on the formation of Dixon Little League and was one of the original charter board members. She was a Dixon LL coach and Manager and served on its board. She was an early member of the Dixon Soccer board and went on to become a certified referee and coach and coached teams for six years. She coached the first Dixon Bobby Sox girl’s all-star team. She was a tournament archer and shot in competitions all the way up to the state and national tournament levels. She has hunted with both bow and gun and is an accomplished markswoman with shotgun, long gun and pistol (she never really wanted to shoot any living thing and has done little of it). She has and still does fish with the best of them having recently caught a striped bass and a black bass on two consecutive casts. She has been involved with FFA, 4-H, Dixon Dolphins, and most all school activities for about two decades.

She has been a great Dixon ambassador all over the world in her travels leaving people thinking, “What a lovely place Dixon, California must be to have people like her living there”.

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She retired from DSUD after 17 years with food service and has not made an enemy, and all who have met her, and those who know her, have nothing but good things to say about her. (I know you’re thinking polar opposites aren’t you?)

All of that has nothing to do with the photo above. Her 50 years (this year) with Dixon Toys for Tots-Community Christmas Program, where she started the original Coats for Kids program, (Which has expanded exponentially over the whole country) stood out among her many accomplishments. In her spare time she has hand knitted about 15 baby blankets a year to support the program which now issues about 1,000 coats locally to the needy each year.

erH She was selected as one of the 2016 Women of the Year by Congressman John Garamendi with many of her accomplishments read into the United States Congressional Record which will be there for all time. She and other women from northern California were honored last week in Woodland by the congressman and his wife. We arranged for her 92 year old mother, Mary Hagerman, to be there for the presentation. It was nice of Supervisor Skip Thompson and Dixon Mayor Jack Bachelor to come over to the table and meet Linda’s mom and congratulate her. When the congressman’s charming wife found out about Linda being there with her mother she grabbed John and said he should go see them which he gladly did… pretty cool picture for her huh?

 

Follow Up From Last WeeK

 

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For you loyal half dozen or so readers  the graphic here had to be cut last week because of space limitations. But here is the art that went with the essay on the media controlling every aspect of our daily lives and certainly, this election. For those not looking at and listening carefully to the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle manipulations of the news, this illustration proves my point. The major media is slanted the way the owners want it slanted. If you haven’t really noticed before look more more closely at what you see, read and hear everyday from the mass media. It was the mass media that sparked the riots throughout the country (to make news and not just report it, its good TV) and made Colon  Crap-er-nick a household name… Can you even name one of the many police officers killed recently… Of course you can’t.  they got seconds of coverage while the rioters and Crap-er-nick got minutes and hours… We’ve become a nation of sheep lead by pie-in-the-sky promising liberals that control the thought process of the masses. They firm up their control by giving away things free, paid for by those who work hard to provide a living for their families… Think about it. FREE…food, housing, cell phones, money, dental, medical care, clothing, etc. Not only to millions of Americans, may who chose not to work, but to hundreds of thousands of Muslims now being imported to shore up their political base… Right wing nonsense you say?

Think about it and look, listen and watch with a renewed sense of awareness and what you may learn is disheartening. Clinton may win the election because so many depend on her to do so. All I can do is put this out there and try to make people more aware. Two of the three people we have running for our local election have this left wing disease which could eventually be the downfall of us all.

The national solution is at hand and the right type of person is available to make the change. A political outsider, wealthy enough not to be bought and sold, but unfortunately has a major flaw of not being able to control his mouth. Not enough people I’m afraid will be able to see beyond his political posturing to the real value this man would have for our country. His value is he would have the ability to tell the RCC and the weak kneed professionals like professional Paul Ryan to buck up and do what’s right, not what will get them more votes. Hope I’m wrong and enough people want a change, any change, to get this country back on its feet, stop the importation of hundreds of thousands of Muslims from all over the world (why pick on just Muslims? We infidels haven’t been threatened with extinction by any Christian or Jewish sects that I’ve heard of) and giving them full welfare benefits rights from the get-go. The lecture is over but think about what the future holds for us and our children and grandchildren when you vote… Your vote may or may not make a difference but at least you know you’ll have tried to stop further erosion of our former  hard earned American values.

Also, Update From Last Week

 

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Trey Hickman with fresh water caught Salmon from Rio Vista

I whined last week about fishing  three days, one in Sacramento and two in Rio Vista seeing many others catching the illusive Silver Salmon on their annual fresh water run. I whined because we couldn’t catch one. On our third day we finally got the weight, depth and lure right and finally caught one. We were trolling along side of another boat (you can’t help from doing that if you want to catch fish) because, believe it or not, the boats congregate where the fish are; duh. So we were poking along and the guy on a boat about 30 yards from us got on his cell phone and said, “We got two on incoming (tide) and one on out going we’re 100 back and two ounces. “ Bingo, we reset our rigs. Then the guy in front of us caught one and yelled over, “Go through that spot they’re stacked in there.”  So we did and tad da, we finally caught one from our boat, in Rio Vista… Hallelujah! Fishing for fresh run salmon is kinda like a team sport with boaters showing courtesy to each others and sharing information… kinda cool huh? Tenacity for me has always been a strong point. Stick with it long enough, learn from your mistakes, make corrections and carry on… many times it paid off like it did this time!

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*I want this election to be over with so badly you’d think it was one of my kid’s school plays.

*As a kid I always felt sorry for the monster that lived under my bed… so once or twice a week we’d switch and I’d sleep under the bed.

*If you’re using public transportation never give up your seat to an old woman… that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

*My wife just looked at an 8″x 8″ picture frame and estimated it to be 12″x 12″… perhaps you can deduce why I think this is a good thing.

*There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall next to me who’s so loud I’m not sure if its performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

*When I was a child someone accidentally shot me with a flare gun… and I’ve been absolutely fabulous ever since.

*They advertise unlimited soup, salad, and bread sticks… but I can personally attest that after two days Olive Garden will ask you to leave.

*As a kid my mother always told us we had to wait an hour after we finished eating before we could swim… I never realized there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating.

*The first rule of “double entendre club” is please let us know if you’re coming.

*Do mermaids clean the sea… or how does that work?

*I hate it when homeless people shake their change cup at me… ok, already, you’ve got more money than I do, you don’t have to be an ass about it.

*I just hired a dirtying lady… I’m about to watch her and the cleaning lady fight it out.

*How in hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him… I couldn’t even get my kids to clean their rooms!

*Spent a couple of hours at my mother-in-law’s grave this morning… bless her heart!  She thinks I’m digging a pond.

*Lake Erie: great lake name… Lake Titicaca: greater lake name.

*Accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy.

*The wife finally got around to shaving her legs… she said blow drying them was taking too long.

*Me: In closing, all of the facts I’ve presented here today show that HRC, as Secretary of State, was derelict in her handling of both Benghazi and the e-mail situation… priest: and now the bride will recite the vows she has written.

*Do Mormon cats have nine wives.

*If you’re shopping at the dollar store for a pregnancy test… then we both know you can’t afford for it to be positive.

*We really are the most blessed generation… we’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 fast and furious movies.

*How can you teach your kids about dealing with adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged occasionally?

*I hate it when I make a list of things to do so I don’t forget something… and then I can’t find the darn piece of paper.

*My wife asked me if I could name all the girls I’d dated.  It took a couple of minutes until I got to her… should have stopped there.

*Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain… sorry lady at IHop,  I was just trying to help.

*Adulthood is like the vet… and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

*Our society is better prepared for a zombie apocalypse than an hour without electricity.

*Have you noticed that even the worst hangover wears off by 5pm… coincidence?  I think not.

*Just helped a much older man cross the street… by honking my horn repeatedly.

*When Cheech and Chong broke up I wonder if they had a court battle over joint custody.

 

 

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October 16th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #643 (10-14-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

What Second Amendment?

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In 1791 the first 10 amendments to the constitution were made and they became the “Bill of Rights”. First among them reads as follows: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for redress of grievances.”  This is the law of the land. Many tens of thousands have died defending your rights. “Free” speech isn’t “free”, many have given all to protect and provide it for us.

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We all know “freedom of speech” is a joke from our city all the way up to the White House. Your mayor and city council has decided how long you can speak to them and you better watch your tone and volume or you’ll be called on it. As a duly elected councilperson I have been told to watch my volume and presentation during city council meetings which of course I ignore… without asking the city attorney for a constitution ruling.

We have a guy running for mayor that claims on his signs vote for “Mayor” Bogue. When I called him on the fact he was never, and probably never will be, “Mayor” he responded on October 1st with: “Well Ted if people don’t know who their current mayor is, I don’t know what to tell you. Signage is nothing more than advertisement of a position sought.”  Duh…And this kind of warped logic is probably why he lost his seat on the city council in the last election and his run for a seat on the board of supervisors … Wonderful… but he has a right to try and fool some of the people I guess. We’ll know November 8th just how well that worked for him.

The next president will own the Supreme Court by appointing the deciding member now missing. If another liberal is appointed God help us because we will see the constitution further eroded.

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You think I’m wrong? Go to any governmental meeting and speak up and tell them to “go **** themselves” and see how long it takes to find yourself removed and/or jailed. I even get censored here in this column for things “unsuitable” for the publisher’s taste.

Dress like a clown for Halloween and you may be arrested because some idiot somewhere threatened someone based on a B movie about killer clowns… Give me a break. Our entire nation is manipulated daily by the mass media. They’ve now made childhood harmless clowns dangerous! Thankfully social media has made a dent in keeping the national media at least a bit honest. Most of the riots of late have been generated and promoted by television for ratings… people like to watch this stuff and go tisk-tisk, and it gives others with nothing better to do great ideas…the media makes the news and then reports on it… WTF?

The Demoncrats paid heftily I imagine for an 11 year old recording of Trump making B.S. locker room comments. Go back 11 years and think about some of the things you may have said or heard…Freedom of speech? The Demoncrats want him castrated for WORDS while their deeds are prison worthy… but since treason can be a capital offense and lying to congress and the American people could mean jail time we don’t talk about it right? Lying is not covered by the constitution as a right.

You’ve got an area football player exercising his constitutional right and getting more media coverage than floods, earthquakes, pestilence, riots, rape robbery and murder…A lot more attention than the police officers being killed across the nation. The rioters get a zillion times more coverage…why? Because you allow it into your homes; the media makes the news and you buy it.

The point of all of this is the main stream media. Pay attention and look for the bias and slants. They’ve stopped reporting the news and now make and control almost all of it. The liberals which own most of the communications in our country decide what will and what will not be brought to your attention and what slant it will have. They MAKE the news and then have their highly paid “news reporters” read what edited material they are given… and then these “stars” have the nerve to editorialize on each segment…what B.S.

 

Salmon Fishing In Rio Vista

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Last Sunday we decided to try for salmon now running through Rio Vista. We joined about 50 other boats (that we could see) during the Rio Vista Bass Derby (we didn’t know was going on) and ran from Cache Slough to Rio Vista by boat in about 20 minutes. We trolled for about five hours and saw a dozen fish caught and just about every boat we talked to had at least one fish. They caught them trolling in front of us, behind us and even alongside of us. We were using the exactly the same equipment set up exactly the same way and never had a hit. One fellow fisherperson even told us we weren’t deep enough and gave us the depth… still nothing.

The good news is we had a gigantic ocean going freighter pass nearly as close as a football field from us (pretty cool huh?), saw a seal and a sea lion (what the heck are they doing this far up in fresh water?)  and while fishing for stripers later on our son Trey and I caught some nice largemouth bass so we didn’t blank on the day.

We are going to keep going back until we catch a couple because it’s a matter of principal and we want some smoked salmon.

 

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More Things For Thought

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*The plan was to keep eating those alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic……I didn’t plan on “bankrupt” being an option.

*People will stop asking you questions… if you answer them in interpretive dance.

*The wife told me I had to grow up.  I was speechless… of course it’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

*The recipe said “prick with a fork”… but enough about me.

*Do you still remember when you could refer to your knees as right and left … rather than good and bad?

*Kids awards have reached a new low… my granddaughter just came home from 3rd grade with a “most improved ponytail” certificate.

*To all of my e-mail buddies who received a file from me entitled “my junk.jpg”… sorry, I thought I was distributing a photo of stuff I am putting in my garage sale.

*I always try to stand in the middle when a group picture is taken it makes it harder to crop me out later.

*If Trump or HRC really cared about the American people they would have scheduled the debate for Tuesday night… not in the middle of NFL Monday night football.

*I attempted to kill myself by consuming 100 beers… but when I finished the second one I felt so much better.

*Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

*You know that moment when the steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth begin to water… I wonder if that’s how vegans feel when they’re mowing the lawn.

*I’m thinking of going on a breadcrumb diet… I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

*Lice are the herpes of kindergarten.

*What are people doing in motels that they need such a steady and dependable source of ice?

*The wife and I are engaged in a bit of a tiff. I foolishly asked her if she’d love me when I’m old and fat… “I sure do” is not what I expected.

*If someone came to my house and said “I’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your sink”… I’d be living large.

*There’s nothing quite like folding your undies fresh out of the dryer to remind you just how big your butt really is!

*If you knew what I considered my best behavior it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be on it.

*When you hang your kindergarten grandchild’s crappy picture on your refrigerator you become an “enabler of mediocrity”.

*We should remove the warning labels from everything… and just let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

*If you meet a woman under the age of 75 named Maude or Agatha… it might be a good idea to check nearby for a time machine.

*So far everyone I’ve met in life has liked me enough to not kill me… so that’s a plus.

*People should stop complaining about the increasing length of feature films… Broadway plays are often 3 hours long, and hell, school plays are two or three times that!

*”You can’t find happiness at the bottom of a beer”… well no foolin’, whose happy when the beer’s gone?

*I’m sorry I keep calling you and then hanging up. I’ve got this new voice-activated phone… so every time I holler “dumbass” it dials you. 

*How often should I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

*My dog just spent more time selecting the place he was going to take his nap than I did in picking out my wedding band.

*Why do camels have such long, thick attractive eyelashes? Is it to draw attention away from their feet?

*I’m in really big trouble if the people I work with find out I really don’t have Tourette’s.

 

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October 10th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #642 (10-7-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Stuff’s A Happening!

 

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  1. Let’s see where to start? How about with two members of the Dixon Planning Commission being turned into the California FPPC (Fair Political Practice Commission) for violation of their oath of office and ethical violations. It involves Connie Lewis and the way she was treated and denied permission to reopen a decades old family business in downtown (Jay’s Safety Lane). Jill Orr and Kevin Johnson were named in the complaint the complainer filed with the FPPC and the filer insisted on showing it to me before it was mailed. I understand the NSCAR (Northern Solano County Association of Realtors) is also being asked to investigate ethic (and other) violations by these two realtors serving as appointed Dixon Planning Commissioners, I was told Orr did the damage and Johnson knew about it and went along with the program… The city has just passed a strict ethics code of conduct and they are supposed to held accountable there too… But the power to be refuses to even discuss it… WTF?
  2. Am old well known couple who live across from the swimming pool had a medical emergency late last week and while the ambulance took them to the hospital some dirt balls were apparently listing on a scanner and robbed their house while they were gone. They were caught the next day by Sacramento police on another matter but had the Dixon’/s people’s stuff so the Dixon PD was notified and they get some of their stuff back. As soon as I heard about it I contacted the police department and the city manager and asked them to have all first responders security check all homes where there’s an emergency before they leave they scene and for the PD to make routine checks for the next few days. City Manager, Jim Lindley, is making this happen. But the story doesn’t end there. Dixon now has its share of bad buys, meth heads and other druggies and thefts are really going up.  Before you die tell your relatives to either not announce “The funeral will be from 11 to 2 followed by a reception from 2 to 5 unless a designated family member is assigned to stay and guard the house…Get it? The bad guys do and they’ll probably rot in hell for robbing people during this time of extreme grief but they need what they need and will do anything to get it… so like it or not we need to change the way we are doing personal business. The same goes for blabbing in social media your husband is on a hunting trip or you’ve planned a vacation… or whatever… don’t say anything until it’s over… Get It?
  3. Dispatchers making law enforcement decisions? We have a local lady running for a city council seat that was going door-to-door and got bit by someone’s dog. She called the police number and got Solano County dispatch that reportedly refused to send out a police officer and told her to “call animal control”… WTF folks? She said, “They send out police on barking dog complaints but not of a dog bite”? At the hospital they started to give her rabies shots until a doctor intervened and said it probably wasn’t necessary since it was a domestic dog but said animal control needed to find the dog and have it quarantined. My question is: “What the hell business is it of the dispatcher. Someone calls for a police officer … sends an officer.” Just like us asking the county for more 911 lines. The last time we checked they only had three and when a fire broke out behind the post office a few months back half the callers couldn’t get through…We asked for it to be enlarged and don’t know if they did or not.
  4. Cal Trans was to pave from the freeway on North First Street to Atkinson’s Storage but they went down to the stop light and quit… Again WTF. It’s a state highway. They had the manpower and equipment there. It was supposedly budgeted so what the hell happened. And what about SR 113 from Dixon to Highway 12 going to Rio Vista. Roads in Mexico are better. It’s getting worse and I think we can thank the garbage people for a lot of the road damage (for part of it). And what’s being done? Nada. More promises and pure B.S.

 

Lions Club Poker Tourney Saturday

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The Dixon Lions Club  fun 9th annual Texas Hold’Em poker tournament is this Saturday evening in the old Vet’s Hall in downtown Dixon. I/we play in it every year and it’s a fun time. The whole object is to see how long you can last and you do that by pacing yourself and waiting for a good hand to play. The ante goes up every now and then so eventually you either have a lot of chips or you become a watcher to see how the others have lasted so long.

Either way it’s a mellow crowd of men and some women and it’s a competitive/friendly way to spend a Saturday night. They will have tickets ($75 with re-buy available) at the door which opens at 6 and poker starts at 7… that’s me in the picture in the flowered short last year playing.

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*Probably one of the hardest parts about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams… that have both just prayed to win.

*The path to inner peace begins with four little words… not my darned problem.

*I picked up an ice cream cake and the cashier said to keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt… I’ve got to start dressing smarter.

*Before NASA sent the rover Curiosity… Mars was teeming with cats.

*The new IPhone 7 and Iphone7S have several new features like water resistance, stereo sound, and a better camera with dual lenses but it still lacks the one feature everyone wants… affordability.

*My wife is displeased with me… in other shocking news water is wet and the sun is bright.

*I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “Where’s my damn phone?” and it yells “down here in the couch cushions!”

 

*Trump only watched the Olympics to see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go.

*The wife consumed an entire bottle of wine whilst decorating the Christmas tree and then confused a box of candy canes with a package of tampons… she told me the tree looked weird and she felt minty.

*There are apparently two reasons why I’m overweight… I eat when I’m bored, and I seem to always be bored.

*The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district.

*When my grandson was much younger I remember my son telling me… “He can now reach the light switches so don’t come over to the house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure”.

*Whoever spelled the word receipt was a frigging idiopt.

*Married romance: After we put the kids to bed let’s sit together on the couch and look at Facebook on our phones with the TV on.

*Ah yes, grandpa… where you got told “If you fall off that and break both your legs don’t come running to me!”

*I’ve begun walking around with Mentos in my ears… so everyone thinks I have an Iphone7.

*If you say “gullible” slowly it sounds like “oranges”.

*A tropical depression is pretty much just like a regular depression… but instead of being unable to get out of bed you can’t get out of a hammock.

*If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a florist shop you’re probably safe initiating a conversation by asking “What did you do?”

*Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters the word doesn’t contain?

*I think abs are for those guys that find they don’t want to wear a nice t-shirt to the pool.

*I like how at the end of old movies it says “the end”… so you aren’t horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved.

*Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.

*Never trust a girl who doesn’t fart… cause there’s just no telling what else she may be holding back from you.

*As a kid I thought a lot about what it would be like to be grown up, getting a job and having kids… but not this job and certainly not these kids.

*Why do people romanticize the 1950’s… calm the hell down, we still have milkshakes and racism!

*I’m exactly like Rocky… I challenge people to fight when I’m slurring my words.

*Hi! I’m calling about the poster you put up about your missing cat… have you asked the guy that took the picture?

*I coached my son’s basketball team years ago for a lot of reasons… but one of them was because I felt it was important for him to know that I would swear at other kids too.

*Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.

*Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle”?

*Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer…….unless the question is “why did you fall on your ass on the sidewalk last night?”

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September 30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #641 (9-30-16

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

 2016-9-30a

 

Local Election Update

People keep asking me about the upcoming city elections and I’m not being coy, I simply don’t have a dog in this fight. I have to work well with whoever wins in order to be effective in my position as a city council person. It isn’t tough. Look at what they’ve done, what they say they’ll do and weigh that load.

I will say some folks are upset about one candidate whose sign claims he is “mayor” when he’s not, and never has been, and a city council candidate who apparently is billing himself on his signs as being a council person; he’s not and never been. Things like this have a tendency to backfire in this city and have cost people elections in the past. For some reason voters seem to be leaning towards honesty and a minimum of B.S.

 

Lambtown’s A Coming!

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“Put on yer best bibs Pa we’re headed for Dixon annual Lambtown festival this weekend. I’ll grab my spinning wheel and spin you some yarns. Then we can wonder over the hillbilly (actually bluegrass) music stage and drink us some homemade Sangria and listen to the banjos…”

It ain’t (isn’t) really that down home folksy but it is being held this Saturday and Sunday in the Dixon May Fair grounds and is a inexpensive way for a family to have a local outing that has something of interest for most.

Personally I like bluegrass that’s why our volunteer time is being spent doling out the home made wine concoction. Our, means me, wife Linda and her spry 92 year-old mother and I will be manning the thing from at least 10 to 2 on Saturday and then who knows… Stop by and have a sip or two and say hi.

 

Colon Crap`er`nick Feedback

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In response to last week’s column about Crap’s comments and gestures…

  • “You’re (me) and idiot and an a**hole”. One (only) negative reply from a gifted linguist.
  • “Right on the money this disrespect for our flag and country isn’t sitting too well with our military community”.
  • “Your point about these “protesters” being able to pool their huge resources and works towards their goal instead of grabbing news space and air time was right on”.
  • “If they really cared they’d really do something besides sit down or raise a fist… I mean, come on, they could make a difference but they won’t… too much like real work and they might have to give up a few personal bucks…”
  • “These wonderful role models, many of which went through school on scholarships and were trained for their profession by our tax dollars are ingrates and shallow human beings…”
  • “It truly disgusts me that children playing youth football are now following the footsteps of these ‘role models’.”
  • “When the hype subsides you really think these multi-millionaires will personally invest in a productive program to study and help change the injustices they perceive?”
  • “As law enforcement officer I am highly offended by Kaepernick and his grossly overly exaggerated generalizations… It’s like saying all pro ball players are wife beaters”.

 

 2016-9-30c

And so the messages and conversations went. One kind of in Crap’s favor, but more anti-Hickman, pro tree hugger… and the rest saying and feeling Crap and his buddies should not “disrespect” our flag, pledge or national anthem… which is a slap in the face to all of those who came before and fought to allow them their freedom of speech. Bottom line? Use your constitutional rights of free speech the way you see fit just don’t drag our flag or national anthem into the fray… It isn’t apples and apples.

On the other side of the coin I heard a professional baseball catcher was suspended for the rest of the season because he utilized his freedom of speech about protesters… WTF is going on here folks?

According to USA Today… “After galvanizing support from athletes and civil rights leaders across the country, Colin Kaepernick is in danger of losing it. His comments Tuesday about the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were as needlessly divisive as the “pig cop’’ socks he wore last month. In case you missed, here’s part of what the San Francisco 49ers quarterback said about Clinton and Trump:
“Both are proven liars and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist”… Should have quit while you were ahead Crap…

 

More Things For Thought…

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*I don’t think America should elect anyone president in 2016… we need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

*The wife’s parakeet broke his leg this morning so I made him a splint out of two wooden kitchen matches and his little face lit up… then so did the rest of him.  I forgot I’d lined his cage with sandpaper!

*The guy down the street told me that once he came out of the closet he found he had a lot more room for his clothes.

*”Always the bridesmaid, never the bride” is really good advice for my best man.

*I just got permanently banned from Home Depot.  Some damn guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking… lucky for me I got the first punch in.

*Don’t you think it’s weird how you can sit and watch a horror movie and not jump once… but then the darned toast pops up and it scares the crap out of you?

*Life was so much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

*And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.  

*I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear… now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

*The wife always asks me to remind her about stuff… then if she forgets something it’s my fault.

*If my kids knew there was a light in the oven they’d leave that one on too.

*They say that one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer… so I threw Dennis over a cliff just in case it was him.

*If you think pi is 3142… you’re missing the point.

*Queen Elizabeth’s been on the throne for 60 years… now that’s a serious constipation problem.

*I’m sure whatever it is you think you want to say can wait a while… until your smarter.

*I was thinking about it and I would bet that jellyfish are upset that there are no peanut butter fish……and I haven’t even been drinking.

*It seems to me HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

*You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed… I know that now.

*The first week of the school year lunch was a great sandwich, cut into a cute shape, with sliced fruit and an encouraging note… by the end of the year it was a handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

*Apparently, when you’re asked who your favorite child is you’re expected to pick from amongst your own.

*You can fix dinner for a toddler… or you can just throw away some food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

*I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch do-it-yourself videos on You Tube every time something in my house breaks.

*A baby that is just awakening from a nap is like a solar eclipse… whatever you do, don’t look directly at it.

*When the kids used to fix the wife breakfast-in-bed I always appreciated how surprised she seemed…. and acted like she had slept right thru the “Great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45am”.

*I just watched 3 people jogging past my house while I sat on the couch and it has inspired me… to get up and close the blinds.

*Rule for wearing yoga pants… weigh less than the animal they represent.

*If you had to choose between voting for one of our current presidential candidates or getting into shark infested waters… would you dive in headfirst or do a cannonball?

*For what I lack in imagination… I more than make up for in something else.

*Just a thought about combining the Titanic and speech impediments… unthinkable.

*Being stumped, and desperate, I asked Joe, our dog, for help with a crossword clue: 4 letters, outer covering of a tree… he replied “woof!” Crap, he’s not even trying!

*Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up. 

 

2016-9-30

 

 

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