February 5th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #606 (2-5-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Super Bowl 50…Don’t Go Near The Bay Area…

2016 SUPER BOWL

… Unless you have a ticket for Sunday’s game… and even then you better go early. Carolina is about a 5 point underdog according to the boys in Lost Wages… Yeah, as it should be.

Somehow they are predicting about a lot people in the San Francisco area for the various Super Bowl goings on. I guess there’s stuff happening all over San Francisco even though the game is being played in Santa Clara. Don’t go to Sacramento either because of the tourists and don’t go near SF because they are expecting, according to some estimates, about 1,00,000 people in the Bay Area this weekend… just don’t go anywhere…Maybe fishing, but that’s about it, take a TV.

How Much Do Super Bowl Tickets Cost?
No matter what you’re looking to spend, Vivid Seats has tickets to fit your budget. Currently, Super Bowl tickets at Vivid Seats start at $2709. If money is no object and you want an unforgettable Super Bowl experience for you and friends, the Ultimate VIP Super Bowl Package is available for $550k. I’ve ordered a couple of the VIP tickets, they haven’t arrived yet. Wonder if I maxed out my Golden 1 Visa debit card?

Cheapest Super Bowl Tickets While even cheap Super Bowl tickets are going to be a hell of a lot more expensive than most NFL games, there are still great deals to be found. The get-in price or lowest price for a ticket to the Super Bowl was available at Vivid Seats is $2709. Now it’s over $3,000 if you could find one.  Prices will fluctuate based on many factors such as inventory and demand, so be sure to get your cheap Super Bowl tickets before it’s too late!

 

 

Crab Feed

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The biggest prawn/crab feed anywhere in this area is about to happen tomorrow night (Saturday) at the Dixon May Fair grounds starting about 6 pm. The Dixon Game Club’s annual event will sell out but there’s always a few tickets scattered here and there. If you want one try emailing John Kett at jjkett@sbcglobal.net or calling the Dixon Game Club at 678-9155 and leave a message.

 

Is The Milk Farm An Historical Monument?

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This (the photo) is what greeted us when we came to Dixon in the 60’s. Cranky old Mrs. Henderson (I think was her name) ran the place like… well let’s just say she was real strict and carried a mean cane. Her son Boyd Weber and his beautiful blond wife Elsa (they made a strange looking couple) kinda ran the place and lived in the white house just down the road. The building on the left was a candy/gift shop and we used to watch them make peanut brittle through the big window. The food was served cafeteria style and Dixon’s Larry Simmons worked there almost forever. Now it’s gone and some yahoos want to tear down the historic Milk Farm sign and put up another huge electronic monster in its place. I hope you join me in saying enough of this city’s history has been torn down and buried and the Milk Farm sign needs to stay… There’s still some cows grazing and even wild turkeys that frequent the place.

 

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During the Viet Nam war (and before I imagine) Travis pilots line up on the sign heading home. Is it an historical monument? If not it should be.

History from Wikipedia

Karl A. Hess had the idea to build the Milk Farm restaurant in 1919, and it was finally built in Dixon in 1928. During World War II, Mr. Hess offered various deals, such as an all-you-can-drink milk contest for only 10 cents, pony rides for children, and reasonably priced chicken dinners. He quickly attracted many customers, both local and travelers. It was eventually featured in a 1940 issue of The Saturday Evening Post, effectively putting Dixon on the map and giving it the nickname “Dairy Town” (at the time, Dixon was at the very heartland of the California dairy industry). The Milk Farm became very popular for teenagers spending time together and people competing to break the record of the most milk consumed in order to get their names on the restaurant’s record board.

 

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The restaurant stayed open for many decades until closing in 1986 after a large hole was blown in the roof during a violent windstorm. Yet, even after closing, the Milk Farm’s several-story tall animated-cow road sign stayed illuminated for years afterward due to its local popularity. There were plans to have the restaurant repaired, but they were never acted upon. It was eventually decided that the restaurant should be removed because the building was slowly rotting away and vagrants had begun using the building for shelter and as a place to hide and sell illegal narcotics. The residents of Dixon, however, protested against the destruction of the building, citing its important place in Dixon History. The building was instead dismantled and placed into storage in February 2000. The sign remains standing.

The current owners are pursuing development joint ventures and entertaining offers for sale.

 

 

More Things For Thought2013 badge 7 - Copy

 

*”Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

*I find my life to be like a piece of furniture from IKEA… once I figure out how to put it all together I may actually get to enjoy it.

*To all the people who bitch that fast food looks better in advertisements than it does in reality… look at your profile picture and then go look in a mirror.

*I cut one today and four people turned around… I kinda felt like I was on “The Voice”.

*What can I say?  I swear like a sailor and use please and thank-you like a saint… I’m complicated.

*I’ve always hated that awkward giggle I have when I’m having a perfectly normal and innocuous conversation and my brain latches onto something said… and makes it dirty.

*Know why Geese are mean as hell… because they mate for life.

*I would never cry over spilled milk… beer, though, I’d cry over spilled beer.

*I just don’t get the point of acupuncture.

*If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise… if you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.

*Practice safe sex… tie your partner to the bed so they won’t fall off.

*I checked and my doctor assured me I was healthy enough for sexual activity… I’m just not attractive enough.

*When the media reports an assault where a knife is involved it’s always called a “violent stabbing incident”… is it possible to stab someone non-violently?

*It’s hard to find a friend who’s cute, loving, generous, caring, and smart… my advice to you is don’t lose me!  

*The husband said “how about a quickie?”…….and the wife responded “as opposed to what?”

*In an effort to be completely politically correct and not offend anyone the great white shark will be re-named “the average Caucasian shark”.

*Pizza is like sex… when it’s good, it’s really good and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty darned good.

*When I was a kid $20 felt like $100… now $20 feels like $1.

*I think I’m losing my mind… but as long as I retain that small part that tells me when I gotta pee I think I’ll be ok.

*If I ever go missing please follow my grandkids… they can find me no matter where I try to hide.

*I just got pulled over by the cops and accused of “jumping the traffic lights”… the hell with that!  They’re at least twenty feet in the air!

*Every pizza is a ‘personal pizza’… if you try really hard and believe in yourself.

*I’m not totally useless… I can be, and often am, used as a bad example.

*When your older multi-tasking just means you can sneeze and pee at the same time.

*Went to the doctor for my annual check-up yesterday and, as always, the hernia and prostate exams were really uncomfortable… but he’s a great dentist so I let it go. 

*To avoid having to make small talk with the neighbors I get my mail in the middle of the night… sort of like a Raccoon with bills.

*People who try to test my patience don’t get it… they don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t have any intention of passing.

*The guy in the bank texting beside me keeps covering his phone…….like I could really care about his movie date at the Metroplex at 8pm today to see the Star Wars movie with his girlfriend “sweet cheeks”.  

*If you take your girlfriend camping your relationship will become more in tents… no, I’m not sorry.

*Go ahead and rub me… there is no wrong way.

 

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January 30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #605 (1-29-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Hard to argue with facts… Feb 2nd coming

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This year in 2016, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address could occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

 

So Who Is Tommy Farrell?

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Tommy Farrrell, of Dixon, is the guy I wrote about last week who is a gourmet chef working out of the Dixon Moose Lodge of all places. People still wanted  to know who he “is” so here he “is”. Along with evereythiixon is the guy I wrote about last week who is the gourmet chef working out of the Moose Lodge. People wang else he has been, he was the personal executive chef for country music star Mickey Gilley during his heyday and traveled the world with him and his band for over a dozen years… So this is a photo I took of him last week bringing out my rack of lamb… now you know who he is right; the Le Cordon Bleu trained chef working out of the Moose Lodge? And no, before the whining starts, as usual we paid full price for our meals. Now the question I keep being asked is: “What the hell is he doing in Dixon”? I don’t know, hiding out?

More Things for Thought…

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*Dude! Careful!  At your age that hip-hip hooray can very easily become a hip-hip replacement!

*There are 8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6,000,000,000 plus people… and you’re still single?

*Just once in my life I’d like to bamboozle some schmuck… I’ve never gotten to bamboozle a schmuck.

*I just ordered a life-alert bracelet… that way if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately.

*Life is too short to be serious all the time…. so if you can’t laugh at yourself call me.  I’ll laugh at you.

*It’s just so damn annoying… every time I fall asleep my wife Linda starts whispering in my ear “go toward the light!”

*We’ve all got that one friend whose boobs are far more interesting than anything she could ever think to say.

*”One day I shall create a global business-oriented social networking service”… Abraham LinkedIn.

*Sometimes bad things happen to good people… I usually try to take photos when they do.

*My grandson asked if I had a New Year’s hangover…  “No”, I replied, “Hangovers are for people who stop drinking.”

*I don’t play hard to get… I play too awkward to want.

*I just ate my yogurt with a fork… because I’ve learned that if it looks like you’ve got your crap together people ask you to do stuff.

*To get my allergy medication I have to sign a form saying I’m not going to go ‘breaking bad’ and cook meth with it… hell, I can’t even cook meatloaf.

*Dreams are powerful, they give you hope that things will get better… luckily reality is there to wake you up and slap you out of such nonsense.

*I sure hope my “Special place in hell” has beanbag chairs.

*Went to the doctor and he told me I had a hip injury… well, that came as a surprise, although I am very trendy.

*Apparently lifting your feet so she can reach underneath is NOT considered “helping her vacuum”… who knew?

*The only threesome I’m really interested in involves me… and a couple of tacos.

*I just crossed-bred an alligator with a homing pigeon… I expect that’ll come back and bite me on the butt.

*Were you aware that if you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore?

*I like my women like I like my golf scores… under 80 and not handicapped.

*And then there’s the old hunting joke where supposedly the doe walks out of the forest and says “I’ll never do that for two bucks again!”

*Arson: when “up yours” just isn’t quite enough.

*”Maybe if you go to bed you’ll feel better in the morning”… literally the human version ctrl-alt-delete.

*There’s a really fine line between confidence and delusion… and I ride it like a bear on a unicycle.

*When we had the sex talk with the kids we told them that if their age was on the clock they were too young… and when they turned 13 we told them we were talking about military time.

*And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math”!

*I put a picture of a guy with great abs on my fridge door for motivation… now I suck in my gut every time I reach for the ice cream.

*I hate it when the grammar police seem to single me out like some kind of which hunt.

*Everybody made such a big deal about “political correctness” after I told them the idea I had for a Wii game for disabled people… apparently Wii-tards isn’t such a great name.

*I picked up a date once in high school and her father threw a shotgun shell at me… said it would be much faster after midnight.

 

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Fishing, Hunting Report Card Data for Many Species Due Jan. 31

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          The California Department of Fish and Wildlife (CDFW) reminds anglers, divers and hunters that Jan. 31, 2016 is the due date for turning in steelhead, sturgeon, abalone and north coast salmon report card data, as well as unfulfilled deer tag report cards (a new requirement for this year). You better do it if you haven’t… look at regs for penalties if you don’t. Its simple to do on line. I was able to do my, “I didn’t kilt no deers and I didn’t catch no sturgeons” with just a couple of clicks.

 

Some Stuff You Should Know

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The photo is just a random shot of a recent train wreck.

I keep hounding about the coming rolling toxic bombs roaring and clacking through Dixon on the way to the oil refineries just down the rail a piece.

There are five oil refineries in the east Bay alone all near highly populated areas. According to published reports between January 2012 and October 2015 there were 4,321 train derailments… That’s more than an average than three a day… right here in the U.S. …according to Federal Railroad Administration data. 

The trains carrying bad stuff  WILL be coming right through the middle of our town and there’s not a darn thing we can do about it except to start practicing holding our breath long enough to get out of Dodge when big black fire ball mushrooms to into the sky. If you live on the south side of the tracks you and your family need to have a plan since fire and police and medical can’t get to you easily in the event of a derailment… since we have no overpass.

What’s the reason for this rant? Last Wednesday, Jan. 21, 2016 a train carrying sulfuric acid derailed under the Benicia Bridge on its way to a refinery in Martinez. Three cars over turned but luckily no leaks of the dangerous, highly toxic crap spilled out of the rail cars.

When and if there is ever a meeting about the heavy crude being shipped through here you better gather your friends and neighbors and be there… We don’t really know what comes through here in Dixon a daily basis and having an emergency family escape plan is a very wise thing to do.

This isn’t a scare piece, instead it’s a “be ready for any emergency with a family plan and supplies” kind of warning… you know we do have earthquakes, floods, fires, and now trains to worry a little about… so be a good scout for you and yours and be prepared… that’s all I’m saying.

 

Another Chance For Another Business In the NE Quadrant

 

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For those of you who have been around for a couple of years you’ll remember Dixon Downs and the Flying J Truck Stop. Remember they were planned for the city’s northeast rural corner at I.S. 80, and Pedrick Road on this side of the freeway. For various reasons both of the other proposals flamed out but now a new proposal has been made to the city by TEC Equipment of Oregon. The west coast truck dealer currently employees 1,100 folks at 23 locations in 15 cities, David Thompson Jr. son of the company’s founder, told us at a recent meeting.

After the year it will take the city to get its stuff together and give the go ahead, it will take another 12 to 15 months to build a 55,000 sq. ft. building on its 21 acres

for the manufacture and sale and service for the big rigs, trailers and parts. Thompson told us they will hire about 50 people, mostly local, and the tax revenues to the city would be about $100,000 the first year and about $1,500,000 over a 10 year period.

They have to solve some zoning problems, water and sewage problems but what the heck… anyone building in or near Dixon is expected to jump through hoops to prove they really want to spend their big bucks here because we are “business friendly”. Both a planning commissioner and city councilman told the company man they were “pro-business” and then proceeded to list the number of hoops they had to jump through… Like they didn’t know that and hadn’t acknowledged it already. One commissioner didn’t even look at his information packet beforehand and told him he thought we were talking about the Flying J truck stop… As a big business developer you would have been impressed wouldn’t you?e arf working our of the Moose Lodgeed businesses out there and this would be a good start00,000 the

I’ve asked the city for a monthly updates on the progress of this business and plan to get involved somehow if they aren’t helped in every way possible to mitigate any negatives. We need businesses out there, and the employment, and the tax revenues, and this would be a good start!ency family escap[e plan is a very wise thing to do.ends and neighbor

 

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January 23rd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #604 (1-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Gourmet Moose Lodge Delight…

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I’m guessing the vast majority of newer Dixon folks didn’t even know we have a Moose Lodge, where it is or what it was before it became the place for Mooses to hang out and have lunch or a toddy or two.

First of all its across from the First Northern Bank downtown. Secondly it is in the old “Farmer’s Exchange” building that in the 60/70’s was the place to hang out, buy hardware and ranch supplies and B.S.

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Now it’s a dimly lit bar and club house that is open to the public for lunch daily. He serves lunch/dinner Mon-Thurs from 11 to 7 and lunch on Fridays from 11-3 pm. Who’s “he” you might ask? “He” is the famous Tommy Farrell the classically trained Le Cordon Bleu chef from right here in Dixon. He is well known for the unexpected delights he served up at the Buckhorn for a while and for his popular catering business.

The former Buckhorner, now a converted Moosser is both cooking at the Lodge (678-9407) and running his catering business out of there too. He makes a lot of to go meals for bedroom community folks who, upon rushing back to Dixon, just don’t have time to cook but can lay out a gourmet meal they picked up on the way home.

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We got hooked on his cooking while he was at the Buckhorn with his daily surprises which ranged from tri-tip thingys to fresh fish and chips. His “lamb burgers” are simply the best there are and his rack of lamb on Thursdays have no equal. This is coming from a guy who never liked lamb until I was kinda forced by Tommy to give it a go (he slapped one lamb chop down on a plate and told me to try it)… Now I’m hooked on his stuff. Tried it elsewhere and there is no equal. Try it and tell me if I’m wrong. So far I’m batting 100 % with readers on both good and bad comments I’ve made about eating places.

 

Moving To Chicago ?

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Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.” No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right?  I’ve read there’s lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.” The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”… “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

 

Think About it…

 

 Comic characters: a bearded guy crying and taking goodbye

One day when I was young I watched my father grill burgers.  When they were done he handed me one, telling me it was a bison burger. Then he left.  And he never came back.  He may not have been dedicated to his family but he sure as hell was dedicated to his jokes… Think about it a bit…

 

 

More Things For Thought…u5

 

*Police have recently arrested 3 of the sought after Islamic terrorists known to be in this area, Bin Snortin, Bin Dealin and Bin Thievin…….so far there has been no sign of Bin Workin. 

*My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out.

*The only multitasking I’m good at is skrewing more than one thing up at a time.

*I teach curse words and racial slurs to little kids… whose parents allow them to run around in restaurants.

*I’d really like to be Batman… but there’s a good chance I’d trip on my cape and hang myself before I did anybody any good.

*I got a great ab workout this morning during my run… by stopping about every 50 feet and dry-heaving.

*Love is a battlefield… and I fight naked.

*The way things are going I’d settle for being on cloud 5 or 6.

*Having huge boobs doesn’t make a woman less intelligent… it does, however, seem to make a man less intelligent. So that’s a fun fact.

*My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.

*I was asked to leave the hospital this afternoon… apparently the sign “stroke patients here” meant something entirely different than I assumed.

*I stole Santa’s naughty list… ironically, it’s all the same people that are on my friends list.

*Yes, I’m well aware I suffer from OCD… old, cranky, and disgusting.

*Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

*I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Christmas mail from dyslexic kids?

*Ignorance can be educated, crazy can be medicated… but there is no cure for stupid!

*Let me tell you something.  When I was young I too had ADHD… but I suddenly healed when I saw my dad taking off his belt. 

*I just love beating women… to the door, so I can hold it open for them.

*A cop pulled me over and said, “Excuse me, did you know you were weaving while you were driving?”… I replied, “Weaving?  Hell, I can’t even knit!”

*Just because leggings stretch is no reason someone with a 350-pound butt should be wearing them!

*Today I found out that midgets don’t like being called midgets… and they really don’t like being called “people mcnuggets”.

*No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter that just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch.

*Relationship advice: find someone you’d rather look at more than your phone.

*I’m sorry I knocked the coffee out of your hand when you told me it was decaf… but it’s for your own good.

*What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants… one’s a crusty bus station sand the other’s a busty crustacean.

*Do butterflies ever get tattoos of white girls?

*You’re never aware of how many people you dislike until you have to name a dog or a baby.

*I’m almost too tired to change into my drinking pajamas.

*Single bells, single bells, single all the way… oh what fun it is to do, what I choose to do all day, hey!

*I had an interview for a new job today and the interviewer asked me what I make at my current job… I said “mostly stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.”

 

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Caution: Before watching make sure you are some

 place you can stay or have a designated driver.

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Just let this sink in and ask your self are we this close to losing our nation.

2016 is the year of decision for America… (From B.D. thanks

There are eight levels of control that must be obtained before you are able to create a socialist/communist State.  The first is the most important.ALMOST THERE

5 of the 8 are done – the last 3 are almost there?

1.  Healthcare:  “Control Healthcare and you control the People.” DONE!

2.  Poverty:  “Increase the Poverty level as high as possible.”  Poor People are easier to control and will not fight back if you are providing everything for them to live. DONE!

3.  Debt:  “Increase the National Debt to an unsustainable level.”  That way you are able to increase Taxes, and this will produce more Poverty.  DONE!

4.  Gun Control:  “Remove the ability to defend themselves from the Government.”  That way you are able to create a Police State – total local control. GETTING CLOSE!

5.  Welfare:  “Take control of every aspect of their lives” (Food, Livestock, Housing, and Income).  DONE!

6.  Education: “Take control of what People read & listen to; take control of what children learn in School.” ALMOST THERE!

7.  Religion “Remove faith in God from the Government and School.” ALMOST THERE!

8.  Class Warfare:  “Divide the People into the Wealthy against the Poor.  Racially divide.”  This will cause more discontent and it will be easier to Tax the Wealthy with full support of the voting Poor.  DONE!

The bases are all covered!  We are ripe for the New World Order. Send this on or not … or just sit there and wring our hands wondering what you can do.

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January 16th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #603 (1-15-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

 Si vis pacem, para bellum… 

 “If you would have peace be prepared for war”

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Northwest Park this past Wednesday…Pretty huh?

Went To See The Revenant


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Last Friday we went to see “The Revenant” staring Leonardo DiCaprio, before it won several awards at the Golden Globes on Sunday. It simply was the best/worst movie we’ve ever seen. No doubt he deserved the Globe plus an Oscar for what had to be one of the most demanding roles in movie making history (he actually ate some raw Bison liver). All outdoorsmen (people) will cringe throughout the whole movie at the horrendous trials and tribulations of a man mauled by a bear and left for dead and what he must go through to avenge his son’s death. If your teeth need to be ground down a little go see it… Like I said it was the best/worst movie we’ve seen in ages.

The movie is actually based on a novel of the same name by Michael Punke, which is based on a true story. That’s right, there really was a man who was mauled by a bear, abandoned by his fellow trappers and then traveled hundreds of miles through the rural American west. What did you do today?

Speaking of bears… A friend of ours has some ranch property just outside of Vacaville. You can see the lights of the city  are close  from atop the hills. It’s about a 15 minute drive from here. They put out a half a dozen or so trail cameras to see what goes on when nobody is around. Besides getting pictures of hundreds of wild pigs they captured at least five different mountain lions and four or five bears. Most of the activity is between midnight and four in the morning… The point is just outside the city limits of Vacaville are wild bears, lions, bob cats, coyotes, rattlesnakes, scorpions, and big hairy tarantula spiders and who knows what else lurks in the night?. I’m guessing last year’s fires had a little to do with the influx of critters.

 

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While we were there, at Brenden Theatre in Vacaville, the picture above was taken of Linda and some guy a lot of people seemed to know.

 

Sacramento Sports Show Coming

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A lot of people from this area go to the Sacramento Sports Show and pay the ridiculous fees ($10 parking and $15 bucks to get in) for parking and entrance in order to be sold trips and things. You need to think about it before you buy any kind of hunting/fishing trip remembering the promoters only concern to is fill Cal Expo with exhibitors… they don’t screen them to any great degree.

Having been an exhibitor there for several years with Outdoor Connections I can’t count the number of horror stories we heard from the huge crowds about lousy expensive trips they booked there. Lousy, food, lousy accommodations, drunken guides, and the biggest “you should have been here last week,” and “I don’t know where the game went”. These folks have no one to blame but themselves.

Carefully look at the many outfitter/guides trying to sell you a load; it all looks good. Since there are hundreds of these businesses competing for your hard earned dollars they will spend a lot to have a good looking booth and good salespersons touting their products and trips.

You need to be a smart consumer and remember if its looks or sounds too good to be true it probably isn’t. How do you know what to believe? Simple, just believe nothing that you see and only half of what you hear… then just ask for a complete list of all hunters that booked and hunted with them for the past two or three years… with complete names and phone numbers… Not email and not just first names. Then call a random sample with different area codes and ask them about the accommodations, guides, success, food and over all happiness with the trip… if you like what you hear then, check them out on line, and THEN  book with them. The “show specials” are a bunch of crap. Tell the guy you will check his references and if everything pans out you will book with him. Get his card or letterhead and have him write the dollar amount he promised you on it. If he doesn’t want to do it go on to the next booth. Try to book a trip within a couple days driving distance for both cost and being able to bring the expensive meat home.

These trips are expensive. We’ve hunted the western U.S., Canada and the sub artic for everything from Caribou, to moose to elk to deer and had great fishing trips in Canada and the U.S. By using your head and taking a little time to can reduce the possibility of an expensive bad trip.

If all else fails you can contact us and tell us what you want to hunt, where and how much you are willing to spend. Do you want and animal or a trophy? Do you want a drop camp or nice to moderate or first class accommodations? We will contact Outdoor Connections and see what they have to offer from their hundreds of screened and verified guides and outfitters. Only our first moose trip was a bad one because we didn’t do what I’m telling you to do which should now be SOP for you and your buddies.

 

Sikh Peace-Love And Fist Fights In Modesto

            You see the television news Monday with the video of the Sikh rumble in Modesto. Two factions of these “peace loving” people (women too) were beating the crap out of each other over religious differences… So much for the peaceful way to resolve differences within the Temple I guess.

 

Think About it…

One day when I was young I watched my father grill burgers.  When they were done he handed me one, telling me it was a bison burger. Then he left.  And he never came back.  He may not have been dedicated to his family but he sure as hell was dedicated to his jokes… Think about it a bit…

 

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  1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

 

  1. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely…

 

  1. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

 

  1. ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down Tom’s face he swore he’d never visit another Thai Brothel!

 

  1. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

 

  1. A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?’ Granny replies, screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

 

  1. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? ‘Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humor!

 

  1. The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

 

  1. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

 

  1. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

 

  1. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”

 

  1. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast.

 

  1. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

 

  1. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

 

  1. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”  “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

 

  1. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

 

The Dixon Game Club is hosting its annual “Crab and Prawn” Feed on Saturday February 6, 2016 at the Dixon Fairground’s Madden Hall.  This event, the club’s major fund raiser of the year, is open to the public and doors will open at 6 pm with the dinner being served about 7 pm. Tickets are $45 per person and are available by calling (707) 678-9155.  Please leave your name and a contact telephone number and someone from the club will call you back or you can email jjkett@sbcglobal.net regarding tickets.  No tickets will be sold at the door… the event will sell out. I have a few tickets if you need some.

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January 9th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #602 (1-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

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Crab/Prawn Feed Coming

The biggest prawn/carb feed in the area will take place on Feb. 6 at the fairgrounds. It’s like a homecoming of sorts as hundreds fill Madden Hall and eat all of the shrimp and crab their systems will tolerate for a measly $45. It will sell out shortly but I have some tickets if you need some.

People come from all over for this event not only for the food, drink and prizes but just to see old friends and have a fun evening.

Kids with tickets have a special drawing for all kinds of neat things and five Ca. lifetime hunting licenses will be drawn for from entries submitted by junior hunters. So far on three letters have been received (duh, a clue maybe?) for the $845 (each) licenses to be awarded (See stories elsewhere).

 

Some Interesting Stuff

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Not only is your president a bad president but has shown himself to be a bad actor as well. Did you see his crocodile tears when he was talking about the children killed by guns thereby giving him an excuse to start on his unauthorized march towards banning all guns sales? This while bypassing congress and doing on “my signature” under executive privilege… B.S. This man is running amok during his lame duck departure hoping his trainee Hilary will take over the chair her husband became famous in using his executive privilege for self-gratification… Lord help us all. The media is filled with charges he faked the tears by rubbing something under each eye before tears appeared…this guy has no shame…shame on him.

I’ve not seen any tears from him for our soldiers (or their families) killed in combat, (or maimed and crippled Vets) that he sent to their deaths or for those dying from hunger and disease here… Meanwhile he imports tens of thousands Muslims to this country and sets then up with housing, money, and all American benefits… Have You? Shouldn’t we take care of our own first instead of Obama’s chosen people?

 

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This left wing liberal disease has infected California to the point where demented Democrats have proposed spending $2 billion of our dollars for permanent housing for the homeless… I Mean WTF? Sacramento mayor candidate Stupid Steinberg wants to give housing to all of those who don’t have a place…Again, WTF?

Giving everything to everyone free, that those who have to work to provide for them, is wearing a little thin don’t you think… $2 billion in California alone…? HEY, I have a great idea Sacramento… how about an updated TVA program where you do work of some sort and you get a roof over your head and food? The “poor homeless” interviewed in Sacramento “demanding” housing were something to behold. They were making their demands for housing while talking on their cell phones and drinking Starbucks…No wonder they can’t afford housing and want us to give them housing for free.

So to all of you, who will have to pay the rest of their bills along with their food, drinks and phones… Good luck. Or…Just quit your jobs and demand all of the free stuff they get… You don’t even have to be a citizen or prove anything. Just show up, say, “I’m a bum and don’t want to work but I demand a free housing so I have a place to use my free phone, and drink my Starbucks and store my food stamp card. I also demand free child care and medical and dental; plus a regular income… if you don’t give this to me I will tell Daryl Steinberg and he will yell at you while spitting on you at the same time…and you wouldn’t want that would you”?

There are single mothers, regular people and seniors out there, who through no fault of their own, who do need help. Many of them are willing to work and should be provided the opportunity to do city, county or state menial jobs in return for a roof over their heads and the basic creature comforts we take for granted… But to give in to demands by bums, no way. Since when did all homeless derelicts who are bums somehow become the poor homeless deserving of everything free because they don’t want to work?

The most that should be done for these bums is a bunk bed homeless shelter that is available to anyone willing to rake leaves, pick up trash… something to make them a contributor to society instead of just leeches.

But now we have more than 700 new ones!

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I looked everywhere to see how many laws California currently has on the books and couldn’t find it anywhere…it must be in the zillions by now if you include stupid city and county laws and ordinances nobody asked for and few wanted…

The point? Your Gov. Jerry Brown signed into law more than 700 new ones, mostly starting on Jan.1. How in the hell could we possibly need or use another 700 new laws when no one seems to be sure how many we now have or if there are any duplications? And we pay these elected officials and bureaucrats zillions to do it? Who’s at fault here?

John boy forgot about us…

Got a mailer from your congressman John Garamendi showing his upcoming community meetings in seven different cities in our area…Dixon isn’t one of them. What, is he afraid Greg Coppes will show up again and ask him questions again?

 

BOARDING A PLANE IN ISRAEL...

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What a brilliant and yet simple idea.  A change in airport security was announced today. One must admit it’s difficult to beat Israeli technology in tell Aviv.

The Israeli’s are currently developing an airport security device that will eliminate all the privacy concerns that accompany the use of full-body scanners and physical pat downs.  It’s an armored booth that all passengers will be required to pass thru.  It will not x-ray the individual, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a “win-win” situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling.  It will also result in a great deal of cost savings… by eliminating the needs for long jail incarcerations and expensive trials.  Imagine, you’re in the airport terminal going about your business and off in the distance you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the public address system, “Attention all stand-by passengers… El Al is pleased to announce we have an open and available seat on flight 670 to London.  Shalom!”

 

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*The only Spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad… so these last few weeks were sorta my time to shine.

*Do people who say “Exercising helps me relax” know about not exercising?

*Always check the presence of ceiling fans in adjoining rooms before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders… how I learned this little tidbit is not important.

*My performance in “I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your New Year’s Eve party” is already generating Oscar buzz.

*Here’s my gym schedule:  Monday…cardio, Tuesday…weights, Wednesday…take a 15-year break.

*The premise of “The Exorcist” is truly terrifying… imagine having a twelve-year old daughter.

*Fortunately I’ve never been literally tortured… but I have had to walk behind old people in a crowded mall.

*You’ve really got to hand it to short people… because a lot of times they just can’t reach it.

Great news!  This stigmata on my body turned out to be barbecue sauce!

*Pizza is a lot like racism… America didn’t invent it but it’s hard to find a country that does it better.

*The wife shaved her legs… now her socks keep falling down.

*You’re a lot like a semicolon… I don’t have a clue what to do with you.

*There are a couple of things you can find out by peeing on things……one is if you are pregnant, and the other is does your boss have a forgiving nature?

*We’ve got a Noble fir Christmas tree this year… just like the one the baby Jesus cut down all those years ago.

*I’m off to a 3 year-olds birthday party.  There’ll be tears, tantrums and people throwing up on the carpet… but enough about me, I’m sure the kids will have fun.

*I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock all those years ago.

*What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that other time?

*Les Miserables was a pretty good movie… but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone was going to be so unhappy.

*E-mail subject line:  your invited… thanks, and I’ll bring an apostrophe and an “e” when I come.

*We have a neighbor who insists that on Christmas one doesn’t do anything Jesus didn’t do… apparently Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis and hit on the caterer.

*I would walk barefoot over hot Koalas for you.

*As a kid I had to be careful not to curse around adults… now as an adult I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

*Did you ever think that at the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas your home would be occupied by 23 different birds and about 50 weird, hyperactive humans?

*The last 60 or so winners of the Miss Universe pageant have all been from Earth… doesn’t that seem like it might be fixed?

*Christian epileptics just don’t seem to appreciate it when you tell them “Jesus is the reason for the seizen’!”

*Do not make snow angels in a dog park… trust me on this one.

*Sorry ladies, but I’ve already got my eye on a woman who’s not the least bit interested.

*Priceless things: Friends, family, tight jeans that make your butt look amazing.

*I was just looking at all the lines around my eyes and feeling crappy… then I remembered all the hours I spent laughing to get them.

*If a turkey got murdered the chalk line would look like a giant preschoolers hand.

 

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January 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #601 (1-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Happy New Year’s Day!

          Seeing how it’s a new year and all I’ve decided to give in to all of the clatter about my limited Muslim Christmas humor saying Toys for Tots wouldn’t give and gifts to radical Muslim’s children… Because of all of the ruckus (one writer and a man and wife who were “embarrassed”) I’ve decided to cool it somewhat. See pressure does change me.

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So you bleeding hearts don’t bust a blood vessel when you look at this Muslim bitch in the photo (…think about it…) which is actually a real thing. You regular Muslims shouldn’t be offended by this and you left winged, ‘We gotta hug and embrace all new comers to our country,” need to take another chill pill. As long as there’s (now, like forever, I guess) radicals out there who are sworn to destroy our way of life, and all Christians and Jews, I’ll keep utilizing my AMERICAN infidel right of free speech and free expression. The constitution covers me on that and the Glock covers my infidel self on everything else.

So chuckle, get pissed off, whatever… Happy New Year and just be glad I can say this stuff and you can object… While many of our young people are now protecting us in foreign lands and dying to get the hell out of the sand and get home. They can fight these barbarians there or we can fight them here and from what I hear most are Trump supporters and hate Obama. Obama’s fall from power will be felt the most by the sand diggers (Marines know) and hopefully felt hard.

This coming year may finally be a turning point for all people from our local level to the top echelon of our nation… Fighting and stamping out IS will become a priority and we all need to support our military and veterans…End of sermon. Can I have a hallelujah?

 

 

Only In America

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I’ve complained once or twice about the current justice system in this country but this time there are millions that agree with me… “Innocent” little Ethan Couch, now 18, has been arrested in Mexico after his rich mom helped him jump juvenile probation and vacation in Puerto Vallarta. They are both now being (supposedly) charged with crimes.

Poor little Ethan only killed a family of four a couple of years ago and then had his very rich parents hire a high priced  attorney who actually convinced a dimwitted judge the kid was spoiled and shouldn’t go to jail. The judge agreed (this idiot needs to be removed) and sentenced him to ONLY probation (he only killed a family of four in an auto accident).

The defense OJ Simpsoned the judge with the excuse the child was coddled by his wealthy parents so he didn’t know right from wrong… Can you believe this? The court bought it (or they bought the court) and poor little Ethan was sentenced to probation for murdering four people. The defense is now famous for its “affluenza” defense… which worked.

If too much is a defense in Texas then surely too little would also work huh? This poor child had no nothing so you can convict him of manslaughter caused he didn’t see nothing wrong with killing four people because he wasn’t told it was wrong growing up. I don’t see how the same judge could turn that down do you?

 

Two Strange Things

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  1. Did you hear about the North Pole, you know Santa’s home? It’s supposed to be minus 15 to 20 degrees this time of the year but it may actually be as warm there as it is here today… into the 40’s.The monster warn front that’s flooding half of the east coast is going all the way up to the pole bringing about record highs… strange huh? Global warming theorists can have a ball now.
  2. Ever see a Red-tail hawk kill something? Most people haven’t. We’ve seen them take a pheasant out of the air and zoom down on rabbits and skillfully dispatch a bunny almost instantly… so where am I going with this. I have never seen or heard of one killing anything in the city limits anywhere. Tuesday we were at WinCo in Vacaville and saws a Red-tail with its wings spread covering is kill… a seagull… on the pavement, in the parking lot. Another driver stopped and I said, “The hawk just killed the seagull” and she replied, “I saw it and couldn’t believe my eyes”… Santa’s home melting, birds of prey killing in city parking lots… what’s next gerbils cohabitating with humans… wait I heard about that really happening in San Francisco… so beware of 2016 it looks like it’s going to be a strange year.

 

A Few More Thanks

 

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This is the last Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs stuff for this year, I promise. But I forgot to mention some very valuable players in our month long scenario of getting ready and then helping Santa. I’ve said there are literally hundreds of volunteers  serving in a dozen different capacities and many go unnoticed…Like Bud Fanning owner of Bud’s downtown (funny thing huh?) who treats the seniors on the program to a feed… his mother Lois started the senior program with us decades ago.

Then there’s guys like Henry Barraza and his wife Francis, out at Pedrick Produce, who each year provide fruit for the seniors baskets and then always promised they will bill us but it gets lost in the mail… We go back with Henry to when he was a produce clerk at the old Jumbo/Hometown market.

Then there’s the likes of Rich Bedoya, a member of the Dixon Lions Club and a Ron DuPratt Ford employee who makes it possible to bring a huge truck load of food for both the families and senior program in just one trip. His Lions guys then unload and set up the senior baskets in just a matter of minutes… what great guys.

This program has its own great Karma and when a need arises a solution pops up out of nowhere. This year we were facing about 130 senior citizens scattered all over town and didn’t know how to direct the Christmas Eve volunteers to get to the homes. In pops Lt. Ron Willingmyre (acting police chief) and says, “What can I do to help?” He went home and spent the entire evening making out a map to each of the senior’s homes and marked them so the volunteers could easily find them. No one got lost and all address were found thanks to him. Even after all of these years it never fails to amaze me with this program… every time a need comes arises; a solution comes up of thin air… amazing!

 

Some More Things For Thought2015Xmas7

 

*Nothing scares the wife more than when I answer her… and she’s left to wonder how much I’ve actually been listening to the nonsensical prattle.

*Winter driving tip:  if you make the kids ride in the trunk you’ll get better traction.

*I hope when Bruce Willis dies it’s from a Viagra overdose… that way the headline in the paper can say he “died hard”.

*The hell with setting the clock back an hour… I’m setting mine back to fifth grade.

*Well, I’ve confirmed that Staple’s sells staples… now I’m on my way to Dick’s.

*Some days at work are so tiring I need a can of Red Bull just so I have the strength to open a bottle of Gatorade.

*Some people are a lot like bubble wrap… it’s almost therapeutic to mess with them.

*I wasn’t planning on going for a run today… but those darned cops just came out of nowhere.

*The wife asked for a piano for her birthday so I agreed. A few weeks later I persuaded her to switch to the clarinet… because with the clarinet she can’t sing.

*Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper both have the same middle name… coincidence?  I think not.

*Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

*If a man says you’re ugly he’s being cruel.  If a woman says you’re ugly she’s jealous… but if a little kid says you’re ugly then you’re ugly.

*I keep hearing people talk about what they’re going to do when they retire… me?  I’m going to have to work ’til lunch the day of my funeral.

*My two most likely answers for why I did something dumb… it looked like fun and I thought I would bounce.

*I think it should be compulsory for women to always wear makeup when they drive… just so they’ll look in the mirror occasionally.

*Laughter is often the best medicine… but not for erectile dysfunction.

*I’ve reached that point in my life where I’m not sure if I’m hungover or just old.

*This next Halloween I want Candy… she swings on a pole and has daddy issues.

*Unless life also gives you water and sugar your lemonade is going to suck!

*I am not needy… I am wanty.

*On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is being fairly astute on current technology and 1 is washing clothes by smacking them on a rock, I’m about a 6.

*Lynard Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is and the only thing he could come up with is the sky is really blue.

*I was hitch-hiking the other night and a hearse stopped… I said no, thanks, I’m not going that far.

*Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he’s ever faced… except the letter “S”.

*My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship… the judge says I must stay 1000 feet away from her at all times.

*I was with a prostitute for the first time after a long, long marriage.  I paid her and she said she’d do anything my wife wouldn’t… brilliant, dear.  Could you just be quiet for an hour?

*Women spend more time thinking about what men think, than men spend thinking.

*The difference between drinking on St. Patrick’s Day and drinking on Cinco de Mayo is no one ever pretends to be Mexican.

*”Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”… I’ve never known if this is a warning or a suggestion.

*A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of 3.  He said “Uno….dos…..” and poof! He was gone… he disappeared without a tres… moan…

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December 27th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #600 (12-25-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

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The Big 600…

Nobody but me probably cares but this is the 600th consecutive columns written for this publication… That’s every week 11.53 years… without missing one… Wow! If you take an average of 1,500 words a week that’s about a million words read by tens of thousands of people. The web site, a few years old has just under 200,000 views. Over the years I won numerous awards including first place state and national journalism awards and decades ago I was even nominated for the Pulitzer Prize… That and a dime won’t buy you a phone call.

I know most read it for the humor and the “I can’t believe that’s in a family newspaper” statements and the moderate/conservative approach to things.

As long as I’ve been writing I am still in awe of some supposed intelligent people and their inability to read and comprehend simple English. Last week I wrote we (and probably the Marine Corps), at Toys for Tots, would never give toys to any devout Muslim’s children… and said, “Think about it”. Some people just can’t think and like John Wayne said, “You can’t cure stupid”. Three readers were “offended” and surprised… At what? Beats me. Devout Muslims neither celebrate Christmas or acknowledge it and would never let their children participate in Christmas in any way… Duh.

Like I said after being a writer for over 50 years I’m rarely really surprised by much anymore. I keep writing because I keep being told a few people enjoy what I spew forth and that this column is “different”. A lot of young people also read it and them reading anything is good don’t you think?

How long will I keep writing this piece?

 

Toys For Tots 2015

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We’d (my first wife Linda and I) would like to the hundreds of folks who gave up some of their holiday time to help the less fortunate. We’d really like to acknowledge the many people who collectively donated thousands of dollars to cover the costs of all of the programs. We were able to pay all of the bills once again and have every program go from beginning to end without the slightest problem. The volunteers are just plain fantastic. Many take vacation time to help and all take time away from their families to help others. We even had a young girl who, as ill as she is, took time to come down and help other… Santa acknowledged her unselfish action with a special home visit for her and her brothers.

Believe it or not I am at a loss for words for the dedication shown by our all-volunteer work force. Most have been with us for years and know and do their jobs like the pros they are. We get all of the strokes for the end result when actually, I do nothing, but help raise the funds and solve a problem here and there… It’s the old, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” and nothing in the entire program this year was broke or even cracked…. So all-in-all about 130 senior citizens didn’t have to spend Christmas Eve without a visit, hundreds of children got to see Santa in person and get a personalized gift right from the man himself.  We want to thank Santa and all of his helpers making this Christmas a little brighter for those a little less fortunate than most of us… Amen, sermon over… Hope you had a Merry Christmas, or as the neon sign on Candy Cane Lane in Vacaville says, “Mary Christmas”.

One thing we did learn this year any donation you want to make year around should go to the Cornerstone Church (just go past the police department south and you’ll dead end into it) because they get stuff to people that actually need it. The have a food locker and a regular system for distribution and we’ve found them to be reliable and trustworthy. You have food stuff to give… give it to them… Just contact volunteer Monica there if you need information.

 

More Things For Thought2015Xmas7

*Have you noticed… no one ever sneezes in movies?

*On date night the wife insisted we got to a place where you make your own pottery… I made an urn.

*If I come home and find the eggs and bread at the bottom of the shopping bag one more time I’m going to stop using the self-checkout lane.

*When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex… not the whole damn relationship.

*Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a huge crowd… but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

*Cocktail waitress:  “Would you like another drink?”…….me:  “Are you new?”

*I never run with scissors… those last two words are totally unnecessary.

*When people tell me I’m intimidating I generally just stare at them until they take it back.

*Why do people say “tuna fish”… you never hear someone say “beef mammal” or “chicken bird”?

*There’s no way I was born to just pay bills and die.

*I definitely don’t think I’m “all that”… but I’m pretty sure I might be “Perhaps a little bit of that”.

*Men are a great deal like dogs… we’re really happy to see you and we have absolutely no clue what you’re pissed off about.

*Be the reason someone smiles today… or the reason they drink. Whatever works.

*I refuse to acknowledge it as hump day until it actually happens to me.

*My girlfriend told me she wanted to walk down the aisle… so I sent her grocery shopping.

*I’m thinking of paying my psychiatrist to just follow me on Facebook… then we can skip the office appointments and he can just send me the prescriptions.

*Financial status:  I just rinsed off a paper plate.

*I’m pretty sure “moonshine” is when you rub Vaseline on someone else’s butt.

*We didn’t have bottled water when we were kids… we had a garden hose.

*If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee you need to learn to take the spoon out of the cup.

*When you’re going down the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.

*It’s a little known historical fact that the Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chests because it was a popular belief that there would be countless water slides in the afterlife.

*I haven’t even gone to bed yet today… and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow.

*The main reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is they get into the water and the fish get caught in them… it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall out of their boats.

*I thought a “dude ranch” was just a really manly salad dressing.

*Never doubt my absolute commitment to never committing to anything.

*I just listed Jay Leno as my emergency contact at work… that way maybe I’ll get to meet him.  Guy’s a legend.

*Gonorrhea should be the name of the medication used to treat diarrhea.

*The doctor was asked what motivated him to care for coma patients…”Well, I’m just here to put smiles on their faces”, he replied, as he put the cap on his sharpie.

*Many English names are derived from occupations, like fletcher (arrow maker), cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

 

Another Reader Heard From…

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*How does Moses make tea?  Hebrews it.  •Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.  •I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.  •England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. •I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.  •I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.  •I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.  •This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.  •When chemists die, they barium.  •I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.  •I did a theatrical performance about puns it was a play on words.  •Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.  •I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.  •Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job… because she couldn’t control her pupils?  •Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.  •I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.  •All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.*I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.  •Velcro – what a rip off!

  • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

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December 18th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #599 (12-18-15

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

2015Xmas

One week till Christmas…

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            Just one week until Christmas and all through our house the guard dogs are hungry and the burglar alarms are set. Santa better watch as he sneaks into houses in our area because unwelcome late night time visitors are met with steep resistance. Bam! Just a little different slant on things huh?

We don’t care what religion you are as long as you believe in the Christmas Spirit… which is what has motivated us to help other for the past 49 years doing the toys for tots thing. We still get asked, on a regular basis, “Where do all of these people come from?” No the answer isn’t Mexico. The answer is our boundaries are the Dixon Fire Protection District and the 95620 Zip Code. This is a HUGE area that covers all the way to the back doors of Davis, Winters, Vacaville, Fairfield and Rio Vista… That’s where they come from.

            We can guarantee you one thing. No devout Muslim or their child will be the beneficiary of anything from our Santa or our programs… (Before you bunny huggers get your panty hose in a knot… think about it…)

Speaking of the Christmas spirit and all we really need some help on Dec. 21-23 to help control traffic and safeguard the children and their parents coming and going from seeing Santa. Just need a couple of adults from 9 to 5 each day. And we REALLY NEED some help on December 26, packing up this year’s unused stuff and putting it away for next year. With just a half a dozen people or so it will only take a couple of hours instead of an all day job it take me and my family.

 

Trump for President…Grump For Mayor?

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            These two, the Donald Trump and Michael Grump, are much alike except our own version doesn’t have his hair, smirk, money, life style, speech pattern or the world wide hatred of every Muslim… yet. Scary…Without hair they look like brothers don’t they?

Dixon’s Michael Grump is championing the recall of four of our elected officials and if the mayor is one who is to face the test, you can bet Michael Grump will be his adversary on the ballot. I’m not going to get involved in the whole recall mess, as one of your elected officials, I can only go into each meeting without my mind made up and do what I believe is the RIGHT thing for the RIGHT reason.

Michael Grump (AKA Mike Ceremello) has had a burr up his butt ever since the current mayor beat him in the last Mayor’s election. The voters need to look at all of the facts and decide what they are going to do, but I have to admit those on the recall list have given their adversaries a lot of ammunition with which to work.

Soooo… conceivably you could end up with the mini-Trump, Mayor Grump, running your local government. He makes himself part of each city council meeting anyway demanding his right to speak unlimited on each issue. Sometimes he makes sense and sometimes he just makes noise. He is talking to the T.V. viewing audience anyway and four deaf ears on the council… and me with my hearing aids seems to be the only one listening. Remember this guy is tough… He just overcame cancer in the neck and had a skin graft putting a chunk of his butt on his face… He used to be just a pain in the neck to the city council now he’s a … make up your own one liners

I’ve been on the outside of the whole recall movement but someone told me if the four were recalled and no one was elected to take their place I would have to appoint a new council… farfetched I know, but just think about the possibilities… frightening isn’t it?

 

More Things For Thought…2015Xmas7

*It’s somewhat appropriate that most American’s celebrate President’s Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

*The wife said, “Look, I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits!”… for Chrissakes, it’s a scarf!

*My mom used to check if we were wearing our seat belts in the backseat by slamming on the brakes… for a kind old soul she had a mean streak.

*She asked what would make her new shoes look sexier… apparently “give them to your sister” was the wrong answer.

*Teens today have it so easy… we didn’t have self-checkout lanes when we wanted to buy condoms.

*I inquired about purchasing a new paddle for my canoe and where it would be located.  She said, “Keep going, it’s on the Oar Aisle”… huh? Or you’ll what? 

*My girlfriend left me because I didn’t pay attention to her, or something like that… I’m really not sure what she said to me.

*I wish everything in life was as easy as getting fat. 

*Never trust a psychic wearing a Band-Aid… they should have seen that accident coming.

*Did you know that “I never said she stole my money” has seven different meanings depending on the stressed word?

*My grandson was struggling to open his yogurt today and said “crappy lid!”  Of course grandma looked at me and said “I wonder where he got that from?”… I replied, “The damn fridge, of course!”

*You know you’re old when you almost cut your nipple off when trying to shave your legs.

*We should get rid of Valentine’s Day and replace it with another Thanksgiving.

*When she says “first of all… “, you better run, ‘cuz she has done research and prepared data and charts on your screw up… she’s going to destroy you.

*Ladies, find a man that ruins your lipstick… not your mascara.

*It’s odd how all trust disappears when someone’s looking for the remote… “Are you sitting on the remote?” “No!”….”bullcrap. Stand up!”

*Sometimes I wonder why I’m broke.  Then I go to Target for milk, spend $150 and leave with no milk… then it all makes sense.

*I saw my midget neighbor waiting at the corner.  I told him to hop in and I’d give him a lift. The ungrateful little fart told me “hell no”… so I zipped up my backpack and moved on.

*Beer foam is the opposite of memory foam.

*My butler is such a wit… he keeps telling me to call him “Dad” and “move out”.

*I find I can be both a gentleman and a jerk.  I will hold the door for you… but I won’t hesitate to tell you to hurry the hell up if you’re slow.

*What are birds so excited about at 5:30AM?

*My neighbor is wondering why there are numerous piles of dog crap on his porch… I’m wondering why he was using a power saw at 5:48 this morning. 

*Let’s do some “we shouldn’t be doing this” things.

*The entire Chap Stick business model would collapse if you used their product more than twice before losing it.

*There are a number of physiological studies on the human beings need for sleep and how much… but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

*Did you know… Americans were called “Yankees” because of their prodigious 17th century habits?

*Buying cantaloupe, or any type of melon for that matter, is the saddest form of legalized gambling.

*I don’t believe in soul mates… I believe in “I can probably get through the next 40 or 50 years without suffocating you with a pillow” mates.

*When I retire I’m going to spend some time measuring things in Texas.

 

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December 13th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #598 (12-11-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

2015Xmas

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Quick Vacation Trip

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            Don’t have much time now days between trying to earn a living, this column, city council, etc. but I did manage to squeeze in a short trip to Oklahoma lasty week to visit our good friends Larry, Cotton and Lacy Lockwood for a early winter deer hunt.

We were supposed to go during bow season in october, missed that,  then muzzel loader in November, missed that and … then I got there in time for the winter rifle season. A little chilly and wet stuff kept falling from the skies for the first few days but all-in-all it was a quick, productive and fruitful trip. When your diet Dr. Pepper ices up in front of your eyes you know its chilly.

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When you hunt the Lockwood’s 1,200 acre cattle ranch you understand a couple of things right off the bat. You see wild pigs, shoot them. You see coyotes, kill them. End of instructions. The coyotes are so bad that no mater where you hunt each evening you are surrounded by howling packs… on a full moon it can be spooky walking back to the car in the dark.

Anyhow got a big 200 pound Russsian-cross boar, (that our granddaughter said, “wow, you got a Panda-pig”.) a young buck and a couple of coyotes. The Lockwood’s were happy with having a couple of less bad critters to deal with and I was happy to bring home some great wild boar and some nice venison meat, heart and liver… Yum! With an out  of state license you can take one buck and one doe.

 

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Saw some cool stuff sitting in an elevated bllind for over 30 hours. Each day I watched a three- quarter grown fawns and does enter the area along with a few bucks, fox and grey squirrels… pigs, deer, coyotes, a opposum, armadillos… you really never know what you’ll see.

The coolest thing I saw was an about grown fawn in the near by hardwooods playing with a squirrel.  I have seen young antelope and elk calves play this way but never interact with another species. The young deer approached the squirrel, stuck out its hoof and the young squirrel jumped straight up in the air and the deer acting like it was scared jumped straight up in the air and ran  and stotted in a big circle right back to where the squirrel was. They did this over and over until  mom deer decided it was time to leave. I saw this same duo each day and on the third day they came into the meadow from a different direction. There was a big boss black squirrel I had been watching for way to many hours, and he was obviously the stud duck of the group… anyway the young deer figured, what the heck a squirrel is a squirrel, and went up and stuck its fron hoof out to play… The boss squirrel jumped straight up in the air just like the younger one had a couple of days before, but instead of playing, he bitch slapped the heck out of the youngster with like five slapps in two seconds while in mid air. I had been watching through binoculars and couldn’t help but laugh out loud when the youngster shook its head and then cocked it to the side not understanding why one day a little critters played for a long while and this time it smacked her in the face and ran away… I should probably write a story about the number of things I’ve seen over the years, good and bad,  just observing nature.

 

Can Somebody Tell Me Why?

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Its painful and bad enough to pay your semi-annual property taxes but it gets worse when the funds go the Charles Lomeli, Solano county Tax Collector … to a P.O. Box in San Francisco…WTF?

 

More Things For Thought2015Xmas7

*We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore.’

*Apparently “occupants” aren’t eight-legged trousers for octopi.

*I believe in you… but then again I believe in Bigfoot, so don’t get excited.

*Did you ever listen to some of the newscasters on TV and wonder who ties their shoes for them?

*Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and gracefully I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

*I just picked a leaf of lettuce out of my sandwich and added a pickle slice… if anybody wants the recipe just call.

*I’m just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

*If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain the striking similarities between the donut and the bagel?

*I’m slowly coming to the realization that I’m the villain in my own life story.

*They say that you eventually become the thing you hate the most… so I’ve started hating thin rich people who have a lot of sex.

*I covered the wife in dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her… hell hath no fury like a woman sconed.

*Walking back to the couch without a beer is the real walk of shame.

*It’s hard for me to believe that the new star wars trailer has already been seen millions of times… how do people even know where it’s parked?

*I’ve got a military secret… I’m going commando.

*I find it really odd that once you’re an adult no one asks you what your favorite color is… mine’s orange, not that any of you buttheads care.

*So you’re suggesting I eat well and maintain a healthy lifestyle so I can live a long time… no, thanks, I’ve seen the inside of a nursing home. (For Peter!)

*Any cake can be a cupcake if your hands are big enough.

*What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant… wishful thinking, obviously.

*”Go ahead, caller”… why radio talk show DJ’s should never work a suicide hot line.

*If you eat your burrito over a tortilla anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito.

*My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in it and then suggested a coat hanger… I said we’re several years too late for that.

*There’s no such thing as too much kindness and love… or cupcakes and sex, for that matter.

*The monsters under my bed are afraid of the skeletons in my closet.

*I don’t have a lot of friends… probably because I’m disruptive at nap time and a bit of a biter.

*My phone just tumbled down a flight of stairs but it appears to be ok… it was in my pocket.

*If a woman tells you something was an accident don’t believe her… women only have accidents with motor vehicles and hair dye.

*I bet the guy that invented fake dog crap was upset the name “shampoo” was already taken.

*My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it… we went and had drinks.  A good guy.  Wants to be a web designer.

*I’m not proposing we should kill all the stupid people.  Just remove all the warning labels off of things… then the problem should sort itself out.

*Four drinks and I are using the f-word like a comma.

 

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November 27th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #596 (11-27-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

2015Xmas

Conundrum 

 

Love the quote from Plato.

Being an elected official on the Dixon City Council has defined the word “Conundrum” for me. We have been faced with them often the past year and I’ve tried to, in all cases, do what I think was the right thing to do… sometimes it produces a vexing situation… The main problem is that most people don’t know what they don’t know. Anyway here are some examples (I borrowed) of the word:
* Free people are not equal.  Equal people are not free. (Think this one over and over…makes sense!)
* “A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again.”
* The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

 

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

  1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.
    2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.
    3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.
    4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.
  2. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
    6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
    Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.   Makes you wonder who is doing the math. These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:
    1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
    Funny how that works… And here’s another one worth considering…
    2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.  But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money! What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t.
    Think about it…..and Last but not least :
    3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens… Am I the only one missing something?

 

“If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government,

then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.” – Plato

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More Things For Thought2015Xmas7

*I wish I could discern a woman’s mood by her chest… that way when I get caught staring I can say I was just trying to get in touch with her feelings.

*I had Chinese food for lunch today at Asian Garden… my fortune cookie said “your country owes my country 1.8 trillion dollars.  Pay up!”

*Nobody likes a tattletale… unless the tattletale has a great tail.  That’s sorta a game changer.

*Your first marriage is just for practice. Right?

*Trust me. I’m as surprised and disappointed in me as you are.

*Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors.

*Thanks for nothing auto-correct… I’m never gonna get any sex being a “homeless romantic”.

*It’s kinda funny how after several years of marriage… soulmate begins to sound a lot more like cellmate.

*Liven up a boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye… then watch them try to figure out which one it is.

*If you’re wondering about my culinary skills I’ve been asked to bring paper towels to our next family potluck.

*Don’t call me lazy until you’ve shuffled a few feet in my slippers.

*If I ever win the lottery I’m sure I would stay the same person I am today… my poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

*As a man, when dealing with women I don’t believe in abstract concepts like right or wrong… I simply try to do the thing that will get me yelled at the least.

*It would appear at this point of my life time is no longer on my side.

*”Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”… the working title to my autobiography.

*A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet… get in the damn van!

*We’re all the time putting stickers on prescription bottles that say “take with plenty of fluids” and “don’t take with alcohol”… that doesn’t even make sense! 

*I’ll admit to a degree I believe in Bigfoot but I do have some doubts… but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

*A recent survey has found that women think one in three men is just every bit as stupid as the other two.

*It’s actually pretty simple to explain why men don’t listen… boobs don’t talk.

*My weight loss goal is for nothing to jiggle when I brush my teeth.

*Hold a door for a lady and you’re a gentleman… hold a revolving door for a lady and you’re a jerk according to this woman I’ve trapped.

*There is no greater pressure than being handed a hard-to-open jar by the woman you love.

*Farting when you sneeze is a sign of physiological harmony and inner balance.

*Watching the toilet water reach the rim but then get sucked back down before overflowing is, I imagine, similar to the thrill one gets from skydiving or rock climbing.

*Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths?

*Try sweeping up a piece of wet romaine lettuce… that’ll piss you off for an hour or so.

*”Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it really is.

*”Nothing is more attractive and sexy than a man that washes the dishes and then does the laundry”… favorite ploy of women trying to trick you into doing housework.

*What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

 

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Fall colors back east? How about right here? This photo along with the one on the front page I took around Dixon on Tuesday, see if you can figure out where. The shadows were just hitting in this one.

 

Thanksgiving…?

            With Thanksgiving dinner still digesting in most of us I’m curious how many families, no matter how much or how little we have, stop to give thanks… for what we do have. We are living in the greatest nation in the world. Sure we are all fighting our personal battles but usually no matter how bad we have it, someone has it worse.

It’s like the old saying I’m paraphrasing here, “I felt sorry because I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet”.

Those of us fortunate to live in an urban/rural area like this don’t realize we are envied by billions for what we have. We have beautiful land, plenty of food and water, shelter and a government that will give you anything you don’t have. We have zillions trying to get here by any and every means possible… yet we have people who daily bitch about what we do have… enough is never enough I guess.

Did you make the kids get off the IPhone and IPad and actually talk as a family? Of course you didn’t. We take so much for granted I seriously wonder how many stopped to give thanks between turkey legs, cell phones and football yeaterday… I did because I wrote this in advance and it made me reflect on just how fortunate we are.

 

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