April 18th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #563 (4-17-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my mouth… this is rarely a good thing.

 

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There are at least 10 of registered sex offenders folks living within the Dixon City limits. You can go to the state site and see their addresses and photos. You can expand the search for the rural areas and nearby cities.

They may have their rights but we do too. We have the right to know who our neighbors are and we all need to be on alert to protect our children and citizens. You need to go to this site and check the areas where you, your friends, and relatives live and/or send them the information they need to keep informed.

 

You Can’t Fix Stupid

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Our stupid, ultra-liberal California Supreme Court ruled last month, that once again, California voters have no say about their state, their safety, or what idiots are appointed to the Supreme Court.

They ruled the 2,000 foot barrier that was required between where registered sex offenders live and schools and parks where children gather was get this, “too restrictive”. So they neutered Jessica’s Law: (The passage of Jessica’s Law was a historic moment for the State of California, which has the highest population of sex offenders in the nation.) and officials now have 60 days to review the files of about 6,000 paroled sex offenders living in the state… of which about half are convicted child molesters according to published reports.

Sooo… you can now have a known, convicted, child molesting pervert watch your children at school or playing in the park from the comfort of their front yard/porch… Isn’t that special? What in the hell are these clowns thinking? Voters passed the law by a 70 per cent margin… how can a few on the court overrule the will of the people? Simple, appoint the right people that think the wrong way and have little to no regard for the will of the voters or the rights of taxpaying citizens… And you still wonder why the world looks at California as the land of fruits and nuts?

For Parents:

  • Inform children that it is wrong for adults to engage children in sexual activity.
  • Stress to your child that he or she should feel comfortable telling you anything, especially if it involves another adult. If your child does not feel comfortable being completely honest with you, then together you should find another trusted adult your child can talk to in confidence.
  • One of the major reasons why it is important to be informed about sexual assault is so that you can take steps to prevent it. And, there are indeed steps you can take to reduce your risk of sexual assault, your child’s risk, or the risk facing others. Also remember that in the vast majority of cases (up to 90%); children are molested by someone they know. Your efforts at keeping your child safe must be informed by this fact and not focused exclusively on the danger that strangers may present. Go to megan’slaw.com and read, “How to Protect Yourself and Your Family”.
  • This is why we (Dixon TFT’s) don’t let anyone buy their way into children’s homes at Christmas with “gifts”. No adopt-a-family or any such thing. The children and families come to visit with us and our screened Santa who hands out all gifts.

 

Nearby Park Neat But Expensive

…With summer here already

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We launched a boat from Brannan Island State Recreation area last week to fish for stripers out of Rio Vista.  It was my first time there. We normally stay on this side of the bridge and launch from either the Rio Vista City launch or the county’s Sandy Beach recreation area launch… each cost $10. Sandy Beach has a neat RV park, swimming and fishing from both bank and boat. You just go to downtown Rio Vista and follow the signs to either place.

Now the state place is a different breed of carp. They charge $33 peak time camping with a $2 discount for seniors. Then if you want electric and water it goes up to $44 but if you pay that, you can launch a boat for $8. For day use you’ll pay $10 and/or $18 to launch. It’s run by American Land and Leisure. The moral of this story? Stay on this side of the bridge and use the city or county sites.

 

More Things For Thought…2016g

 

*The best part of an argument is the makeup sex… unless you’re fighting with your brother.

*A vegan, an atheist, a reformed alcoholic and an ex-smoker all walk into a bar… everyone else leaves.

*My boss hates it when I shorten his name to “Dick”… especially because his name is Craig.

*Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you stick your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

*This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat!

*Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of you and the impact you made in their life… but it’s not me.  I think you’re a fool.

*Why do medications always have side effects like “anal leakage” or “suicidal thoughts”… why not “invisibility” or “spontaneous orgasms”?

*One of the lights in my bathroom is out… I look at least 10 years younger.

*If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Dad, you’re not funny!” I could buy a house at the beach… and live alone.

*Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am… my attitude depends on who you are.

*If someone ever tells you you’re putting too much peanut-butter on your bread stop talking to them immediately… you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

*My father always told me it’s far better to shoot for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit.

*The neighbors loved my music so much once I turned it up they invited the police to come listen.

*If God had really wanted us to go metric Jesus would have had 10 disciples, not 12.

*If you find yourself being anxious over something you’ve said or done, relax… just remember that 90% of the world only cares about what you look like.

*I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt… turns out it was deodorant. And how is your day going?

*My wife looks for signs I’m cheating… but, seriously, who’d make a sign?

*I hate it when people ask me where I see myself 5 years from now when I can’t even remember where the heck I was 2 days ago.

*If Romeo and Juliet hadn’t died they would have eventually married, had kids, gotten old and fat and grown to hate each other… so it actually was a happy ending. 

*Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear… red, or white?

*There are approximately 1.025,110 words in the English language but I could never string enough of them together to properly express how much I’d like to hit you with a chair.

*Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex.  What is wrong with people… have they never had pizza?

*I just told the wife it took her longer to pick out a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring… bad analogy.

*The neighbor girl wants a smart car for her 16th birthday… she thinks it will do her geometry homework.

*I was teasing my granddaughter and said “When I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.”…. she replied, “You’re already grown up.  You’ll be dead soon.”

*A new study says that sugar is as addictive as tobacco, alcohol and drugs… now I have to worry about testing positive for M&M’s.

*The first time I went to Vegas I was asked to leave the casino… I misunderstood what the crap table was for.

*A friend was telling me that cockroaches can live for weeks with no head… that’s nothing.  Husbands sometimes go for years.

*I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people…  their head is safely protected by their butt cheeks.

 

 2015

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April 11th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #562 (4-10-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

He said… “Why are married women heavier than single women”?  She said… “Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.  Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge”.

Smoking…

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We tried the chain Dickey’s BBQ in Vacaville a couple of times and it was OK. To tell you the truth we went back again for the deep fried okra. The portions were ok and the chain franchise products were ok but we had nothing to compare it to… Well, all that changed on Easter Eve when we found a much better place right smack dab in the middle of downtown Dixon. Prices at both places were close.

I/we don’t do restaurant reviews that often but we’ve never had one negative reaction or opposite opinion to anyplace we’ve recommended… or warned you about. We always pay full price and don’t announce the fact we may write something about a business.

In this case we were pleasantly surprised and didn’t know… how we didn’t know… this place has been open for about a year… The place? JRPemsBBQ at 158 N. First Street just a few doors down from the Bank of America. The place is owned by Rich Pereira whose mom used to have Jan’s Catering here in town. Born and raised in Dixon, he has opened up a place that specializes in high quality smoked/BBQ’d meats and they are good.

 

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My first wife Linda had the chicken and I had the brisket. Both we moist, meaty and just plain good. Linda had beans, salad and corn bread and I had the unique and good cold slaw, beans and cornbread… all were delicious.

Being a typical Dixon business they don’t have standard hours. They are open Tuesday thru Saturday from 11 am to 8 pm (unless they sell out early). They are on Facebook and their web site is: JRPemsBBQ.com. They have to go orders and everything is made fresh every day with the meats being smoked for 3 to 12 hours and the pies and, cakes and cookies baked fresh daily by Rich’s sister… with everything served being made from scratch.

The point of all of this? The next time you get a hankering for some smoked linguica, pulled pork, hot links or ribs, etc. you don/t have to go any farther than downtown Dixon… or your phone, to get a good meal. Just call Rich at 916-799-2865 and make sure they aren’t sold out if you are going in the evening!

We always gauge the success or failure of new foods or places by answering one question…. Would we go there or eat that stuff again… the answers here are yes and yes.

 

 

Thomas Jefferson Knew His Stuff…Anyone Listening?

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His Portrait is on the two $2 Dollar Bill. This is amazing. There are two parts. Be sure to read  the 2nd part (in RED).Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary. Also could write in Greek with one hand while writing the same in Latin with the other.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America” And retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence.

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations Along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States.

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello ..

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, His laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuffJohn F. Kennedy held a dinner in the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

…”When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe We shall become as corrupt as Europe.”

…”The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.” …”It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.”

…”I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.”

…”My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.”

…”No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”

…”The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”

…”The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

…”To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.”

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802: “I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their  currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property -Until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

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More Things For Thought

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*I never know what to do with my arms when I’m running… should I fold them?

*This is a problem. I bought a collar with a bell on it for the damn cat… now I can’t sneak up on her to put it on.

*According to Maxipad commercials… women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

*As a husband and father it troubles me that prisoners are given time in solitary confinement… I would gladly pay for some.

*The worst design flaw of the human body is your butt being able to perceive “spicy”.

*My phone can hold 5000 songs… or one voice mail from the wife.

*I don’t eat breakfast in my underwear every morning, but when I do… I seem to get escorted out of IHOP.

*When Kate Middleton went into labor do you think her OB/GYN said? “I think the babies crowning!”

*If you suffer from both paranoia and procrastination… is everyone out to get you, just not right now?

*Instead of “once you go black you never go back” I prefer… “for that special occasion go Caucasian”.

*I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work… there’s just no way I can run that far.

*If Kevin bacon never said to a lonely chick in a bar “want some Bacon with your eggs?”… life wouldn’t make sense anymore.

*Not entirely sure what a “propriate” is… but apparently I’m “in” it.

*The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called “acoustic” Qatar.

*Oh migawd!  A turtle is coming to kill you… walk for your life!

*I asked a young lady out and she stared at me and said “get lost!”… when I realized she wasn’t going to say anymore I asked, “which season?”

*They were called jumpolines until my sister got on one.

*Men think of arguments as single isolated events.  Women, in my experience, tend to think of them as installments… in some sort of perpetual continuum.

*An optimist always thinks their one-third of the way towards having a threesome.

*The wife and I seem to play trivial pursuit continuously… she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

*Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

*She left a note on the fridge “it’s not working.  Gone to my mom’s”… I opened it and got a beer, its cold, the darned thing’s working fine.  

*I can’t decide between “wish you were here” or “look behind you!”… chiseled on my tombstone.

*Saw a bumper sticker that said “Jesus is the answer”. Two cars later I read one “who farted?”… best game of highway jeopardy ever!

*Studies have shown that one in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is a homosexual… I hope it’s Dave, he’s really cute.

*The neighbor’s dog has barked for the last three hours non-stop… now I know how the Koreans found out that dog makes a tasty snack.

*Modern warfare: A $700 million plane drops a $1.5 million bomb on a $10 tent.

*According to my neighbor’s journal I have “boundary issues”.

*So this chick gets on the elevator and I ask her “going down?”… “no, she says, “but I’ve got time for a hug.”

 

Don’t forget the Dixon Lions Club dinner/dance this Saturday…win $10,000u5

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April 4th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #561 (4-3-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*Be cautious when and if you ever blindly “follow the masses”

… sometimes the “m” is silent.

 

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Grandpa Knows Best


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A tough old cowboy from Montana counseled his young granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle just a pinch of gunpowder onto her oatmeal each morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103 when she finally succumbed.   She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


 “General” Plan

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Tuesday night was the first general plan meeting of the joint city council/planning commission where about a dozen of the top city involved members were present… except the mayor, the economic development director, city engineer and city treasurer…No one from the school board was there.

Sophie Martin of Dyett & Bhatia gave a literate and insightful presentation on the general plan process and expectations.  She explained the need for community involvement of all elected and appointed officials along with all employees and residents of the City of Dixon.

Having been through this exercise a couple of times in the past I know the biggest pitfall is to keep the discussion on what this city needs to look like and be in 20 years. Then we have to figure out how to get it there. The plan is comprehensive for all aspects of life from housing, to development, to traffic, and commercial while paying attention to things like Dixon growing across the highway (which will see the same debates that came up in 1960’s-70’s-80’s-09’s, etc.).

Having an updated general plan (not specific plan) is mandated to prove to state and federal government bureaucrats we are in compliance with man-made stipulations in order to qualify for county, state and federal monies.

The general plan is also important to declare our boundaries and expand our sphere of influence. If I had my way I would expand our boundaries to include our whole zip code or fire protection district… but the bureaucratic powers to be, ABAG and LAFCO have set standards that will let Vacaville encroach on us but not the other way around. Midway Road has always been the dividing point but is in jeopardy.

Vacaville (also currently working on its general plan) and Fairfield have both grown to huge cities once they developed on both sides of the freeway. Vacaville at 92,400 folks and is catching Fairfield with 105,300 bodies with each spread out on both sides of IS 80 so they don’t really look that big. Dixon with only 18,400 people now isn’t of any concern to these spreading communities.

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            We need to be concerned however. Housing growth by itself is a recipe for disaster. Property taxes alone will not pay for increased services needed caused by the growth. Things like warehousing is another negative bringing only more people and demands on services but no sales or other substantial tax income.

The three main sources for revenue for Dixon will be property taxes, sales tax and fees.

In 20 years we will probably (finally) expand across the freeway and we need to plan for commercial/retail development like Vacaville. Just look at the sales tax revenue from the car lots and factory stores our adjacent neighbour has… can you say millions?

With increased growth comes increased need for more fire, police, schools, streets water, sewage etc. All of that costs a lot more than you will get from just property taxes. The placement of future schools must be coordinated to avoid another boondoggle like the high school.

We will need more jobs, more houses, more commercial/retail businesses that provide sales tax revenue to the city and we need plan for the space to accommodate these things in even amounts to have a healthy growth and well balanced city in the future.

What’s all of this about? You and your off springs need to get involved and put in your two cents worth at the upcoming general plan meetings. You need to look ahead and see what you want our city to become 20 years from now. Everyone had their own ideas but combined could lay out a plan to keep us on the smaller but envied sides of a well-balanced city where people want to live, work and have their families and businesses. The future look and feel of this city is really up to you if you just get involved.

 

 

Going To The Boat Club?

 

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            The only reason I can think of to go south on 113 and turn on Maine Prairie Rd. is to go the Dixon Boat Club. We went to the boat club the other day and took Pedrick Rd. by chance instead of going down the pock-marked, rutted State Highway 113. When we got to Maine Prairie we noticed a road block. When we got back I checked and found out that section of road from 113 to Pedrick Rd is closed until at least November so Solano County and Cal Trans can work on the old 1950’s bridge that crosses Ulatis Creek. So if you’re headed to the boat club go around, because you aren’t going through.

 

*More Things For Thought2016g

 

*Due to the recent weather I was able to use the words “wet” and “slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I was a big perv.

*The relatives have invaded the house for the holidays… as a side benefit, though; the dog has been walked 17 times.

*The wife thinks smoke alarms are stupid… like she’d ever forget to smoke!

*Have you ever noticed how commercials for mouthwash seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future… where our happiness and survival depend on the freshness of our breath?

*I’m constantly putting things where they don’t belong… like the cereal in the fridge, my keys in the laundry and my faith in other people.

*You say “tomato”… I say “summertime snowball”.

*The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off your back if you fall over.

*The wife buys candles the way most people buy weed… she looks at the color, opens it and smells it, buys it… and then lights it on fire to relax.

*I do a spot-on impression of a man not living up to his full potential.

*If your date can lick all the frosting off her face with one 360 degree sweep of her tongue… she might be Scooby-doo.

*&Who in the hell ever buys a damn cat?… just open the door and let one in and it becomes your cat.

*I hate snakes because they have no feet… you could say I’m “lacktoes” intolerant.

*Years ago one of the boys said he wanted to hunt a turkey for thanksgiving.  When I asked him how he’d do that he said put up a sign that says “turkeys!  Come here… I thought I was raising Elmer Fudd.

*I’m sorry if you thought I looked interested in what you were saying… you caught me fantasizing about bacon.

*Have you ever wondered when birds fly in a “v” formation why one side is always longer… it’s cause there are more birds on that side. 

*I’m not a good photographer but sometimes I’ll take a picture of someone and I’ll think “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral!”

*My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.

*America:  Where someone will eventually figure out how to deep-fry vodka.

*Where in the hell are Dora the Explorers parents… do they have any idea she’s riding a crocodile into a volcano?

*The sign down at the pool says “children under 12 require supervision”… I guess if you’re over 12 you’re allowed in with just normal eyesight.

*Children are like farts… the only ones I like are my own.

*My kids can’t go to sleep if any of their cell phone apps need to be updated… but they’ll drive with the “check engine” light on until it explodes.

*As we age our nights are spent 50% sleeping… and 50% getting up to pee.

*The only difference between my 20’s and my 30’s was as I aged I made all my bad decisions before midnight… now I make them before 10pm.

*With the drought in California a great headline would be “water we gonna do?”… we need the meager laugh.

*”My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor”… the inventor of the Frisbee.

*I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background… sounds like a cool place to work.

*Can you imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters in black suits, tip-toeing stealthily, and trying not too giggle as they place a horse’s head in a sleeping guy’s bed?

*Shouldn’t Godzilla be waging war with Satanzilla?

*HR called me in and said “did you tell Sidney he was stupid?”…. “Oh, god no!  I said he is stupid!  There’s no past tense with that one.”

 

 

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March 30th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #560 (3-27-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*We were having dinner at our son’s house I asked “where are the kids?”  He said, “I grounded them.”… I spit out the meatball.

 

They Have Plenty Of Water?

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            I mentioned this before and when people have had time to think it over more and more seem to think maybe it’s not such a crazy idea. What I said was Washington and Oregon flood every year and get way too much rain and have way too much fresh water runoff.

I added that I was sure for a lot less cost than your governor’s “twin tunnels” (to fill the swimming pools and bathtubs in Southern California) which would drain the delta, we could probably build an aqueduct from Oregon to fill Lake Shasta and then a connector for over flow to fill Lake Oroville…etc. We get the water they can’t use, give them flood control, and fill our reservoirs in times of drought or heavy usage…We can save the fish, water the crops, and make sure Dixon’s nuts don’t shrivel up for lack of a drink. I like to see someone a lot smarter than me crunch some numbers and compare the two projects just for fun if nothing else. I bet the rice growers, duck hunting and fishing organizations, nut and fruit farmers, and growers downstream would pitch in.

 

Gonna Sell Or Buy?

 

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            Most of you regular readers know I have a real estate license and help people buy and sell homes and property. This is how I earn a living.  What a lot of you don’t know is all realtors do a lot for nothing. They will get you an estimate on about what your house is worth and give you advice on selling preparations. They will list your house, bring in buyers and take care of the mounds of paperwork required now days… all without making a cent. They only get paid when they sell your home for you.

On the other side of the coin if I, or any other realtor help you find the home you want, make an offer and advise you all the way through the process, help with the mounds of paperwork, you don’t pay us a penny. The seller pays the bill. We work for you free… How about that! Really.

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There are pitfalls for both buyers and sellers, that’s why you need a realtor you can trust. Your buyer’s agent should make sure you get all of information on the needed inspections; the house is ready to buy, and get you the best price possible. They need to make sure you have a pre-approval letter in hand when you go looking so if you find a home you like you can make an immediate offer that may be accepted, or at least put you in the running. Without a pre-approval letter you go to the bottom of the offer list.

Representing the seller the agent is obligated to price the home for the maximum the market will allow in conjunction with probable appraised value. The agent will advise you on making your house as presentable as possible and make sure is shown in its best light. The agent should be there for all inspections and be available and be available just about 24/7 to help you when you have questions or needs.

Today’s real estate road is fraught with pit falls and the complex laws and paper work in California borders absurdity. You really can’t safely sell a home without the help and advice of a licensed real estate agent or a real estate attorney. Lawsuits for “not knowing” are not only time consuming but very costly.

 

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With that said, possible sellers need to know we are coming up on prime selling time. The hot sales period is when school is out until school starts again. Now is the time to start sprucing up. If you want a premium price you need a premium piece to sell. It doesn’t matter the price range. Neat is neat and ratty is ratty. Buyers know what they like and what they don’t. If they are going to plunk down a quarter of a million or more they want their money’s worth. The biggest per centage use the internet to start their search so your home needs to be on the net and presented in the best way possible… All of these factors combined are just points in fact why you need a realtor you can trust… When they get the job done and sell your home for you they’ve earned their percent of the commission. Their broker gets a chunk of it and they get a share.

It also doesn’t matter where you are buying or selling on this planet. You can call me to buy a home anywhere in the country or sell one. I/we will link you up with a trusted agent and through the internet can make good things happen for you. Century 21 is literally everywhere.

Real Estate agents come and go. I’ve got 10 years’ experience and almost all of the agents in our Dixon Century21 office are Dixon residents with many years’ experience. I think  Bill Allard, Kevin Johnson and Ted Seifert sold land to the 49’ers. Point being don’t use a firm or agent you don’t know because “you don’t know what you don’t know”.

 

 

 

*More Things For Thought2016g

She believed me when I told her concentration camps were for people with attention deficit disorder!

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

This strip mall is certainly misleading… I should probably put my clothes back on now.

I once had a hangover so good that I crawled out of the bedroom naked and then slept six more hours on the kitchen floor.

Apparently we’ve lost a five-year old.  He went missing right after someone said “bath time”… he’s short, naked and sporting 20-23 Spiderman Band-Aids.

I think I now know the stress level of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb… my wife stood and watched me as I unloaded the dishwasher.

I find it real cute how pedestrians seemingly confuse “right of way” with “immortality”.

One thing I’ve never purchased is wind chimes… I just can’t see myself saying “it’s just too quiet. Ya know what would be nice?  Some noise.” 

This guy at work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas… his name was Roger.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily… but I just beat the crap out of a motion activated air freshener.

There is nothing sadder or more pathetic than waking in the morning and anxiously turning to gaze into the love of your life’s face… and finding she’s deflated during the night.

I wonder what “don’t touch” is in braille.

My 11-year old grandson is looking for a summer job… he’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

I know this is only our second date, and I hope I’m not moving too fast… but I’d like permission to re-name your damn cat.

My boss asked if I was ready to take on more responsibility… since I was eating around a sticker on an apple ‘cuz I’m too lazy to peel it off I should probably say no.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times… tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers thru the wife’s hair… it’s a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.

If an Elvis impersonator dies suddenly does he become the best Elvis impersonator?

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle… just for the chance, however slight, that I could be turned into a ninja.

Don’t think you’re immune.  We’re all just a whim away from singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”… yes, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away. (Don’t think about that tune.)

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike… the irony would be awesome.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge… but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My 84-year old neighbor must really like working on his car… he’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I should have been nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”.

So Nicholas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey! Why the wrong face?”

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb… just like screaming, crying and dying.

He arrives mysteriously, helps others. Performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens… E.T. (1982) pg.

 Fun fact:  Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian and the marathons they were in.

 

The Pilot and the Priest:

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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘ Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’ The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’  Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’  The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’ Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ ‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.  ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?’ ‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.  ‘When you preached – people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.

 

 

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March 21st 2015
That’s Life©1966 #559 (3-20-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*All those years of horrible elementary school photographs were just God’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license picture.

 

Don’t Forget To Get Your Cat Scratched

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            Don’t forget to get your catalytic converter scratched (engraved, etched, scratched deep) this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm at DuPratt Ford on North First Street, We made and appointment for noon for our vehicles but you can just drop in and get in line (if there is one) and get yours done too. The thieves ripping these things off may get $100 bucks for the contents but it could cost you thousands to get one replaced. Toyota and Dodge trucks are their favorite but they will take a cat from any they can. Why not have yours etched with your license number and give police a chance to get it back and send a dirt- ball to jail?

 

In Our Own Backyard

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My first wife Linda and I, in the recent past, among other things have: Swam with the turtles in Hawaii, ocean kayaked in amongst leopard seals in New Zealand, walked on the ocean’s bottom in Bora-Bora with deep diving bell helmets and fed fish, zip lined in the Costa Rican rain forest, walked up a waterfall in Nicaragua, helicoptered in and explored a glacier on foot in Alaska, snorkeled and fed fish in Tahiti, feed kangaroos and a Tasmania devil in Tasmania, swam with an petted dolphins in French Polynesia… I’ve sky dived, hunted caribou in the sub artic, bow and gun hunted  and fished in dozens of places in the U.S. and Canada and Mexico… well, you get the point. This isn’t bragging just a statement of facts.

The one thing we’ve never done and is one of the few left on the bucket list is to go for a trip in a hot air balloon. Where do you start to look for providers of such a service? Dixon?

Let me back up a minute. Last weekend we attended the Yolo Outdoor Expo at the Hedrick Ag History Center in Woodland and saw a vendor display for hot air balloon rides…Guess where they are located? 800 Business Park Drive, Suite I, Dixon, Ca. 95620… Right in our own back yard. Called the Yolo Ballooning Adventures Mike Veliz is the general manager assisted by his wife Kelli. That’s Mike and Linda in a balloon basket in the photo above and his wife Kelli in the background.

So as you might have figured we will be doing a story shortly on hot air ballooning in the Yolo/Solano/Napa area. I hear a lot of you would like to try it… So…Watch for us overhead! We’ll yell nice stuff down at you and let you know all about it later.

 

A  Little Help Here Please!

 2018b

            We, the people of Dixon, have two distinct problems that are different but the same, and I need some help with possible solutions.

  1. How do you solve the horrendous traffic problem caused by the stupid placement of the high school? All of you who get caught in the total impaction of traffic every morning and afternoon on State Highway 113 know the grief I’m talking about. What suggestions do you all have to help alleviate the problem?

I’ve suggested a meeting between the city council and school board to discuss the problem but my urging has met with less than an enthusiastic reception… I don’t know why these two groups can’t work together. Can anyone tell me? They haven’t worked together here in at least the last 50 years. The placement of the high school by the school board, without working with the city, proves what can happen… and look at what we have.

  1. Along the same lines how do you stop the drag race to get north from the high school every afternoon to try and beat some of the traffic jam? Sit a policeman at the fairgrounds and have them actually write a lot of tickets?2018c

I have people ask me why we can’t have a police car like at Gretchen Higgins every day when school gets out to stop and cite the speeders and those who run stop signs and pretty much do whatever they like… In a way it’s good for the kids. It teaches them their why parents don’t have to obey the laws and really hones their survival abilities.

Anderson Elementary traffic is a zoo, the Christian School at the state fairgrounds is a nightmare, C.A. Jacobs is probably the best of the mess, and Montessori needs to have staff involvement to control their rules and parents instead of the one brave little kid with a vest and sign.

All-in-all the high school mess and Gretchen Higgins need daily getting out of school visits from law enforcement with tickets being handed out like candy for a while… They can just have the high school law breakers pull over in the May Fair parking lot and write a string of tickets without impeding traffic flow.

An overpass is not going to help the traffic problem at the high school.  They still have to get out of the complex to get to it. With only one way and one way out, logistically it’s a quagmire with only a couple of solutions. Going through the park and ball fields to get to or from isn’t one of them.  People in cars have that area clogged solid now too. There needs to be an entrance/egress to the east of the high school going back onto East A that can funnel traffic to either downtown or to Pedrick Road… That’s all I’ve got… Somebody jump in here with a solution Please…!

 

Why No Water Or Row Crops?

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            Rumor has it you can thank Oprah Winfrey and Michael Jordan for both? Yep, the rumor mill has it their consortium bought up about 1,000 acres in our area to plant nuts, taking row crops out of production and draining our water supplies to wet their nuts. As usual, as far as I can tell its B.S. (about Mike and Oprah although they may be among the many investors). But a big consortium did buy up all of the land paying an over premium price and is sticking many millions past the purchase price into the project. How come I couldn’t have been the realtor on that one?  I’d be writing to you from some place fancy like the Davis Golf Course houses. I do sell houses and property you know…

See all of the orchards springing up everywhere? See how the county is allowing them to plant to the edges of the property at intersections (see Robben and Midway Roads intersection)? See how money can do whatever it wants? California is known world -wide as the land of fruits and nuts. Dixon will in the future just be known for its nuts… nice huh? It used to be things like sugar beets and alfalfa and corn. I can envision the new city logo already.

 

*More Things For Thought

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Mike Ceremello’s favorite response when someone says “nice to meet you”… is “give it time.”


Whenever I get something stuck in my throat I wash it down with beer… I call it the Heineken maneuver.

Satan’s favorite animal is the wildebeest… but you gnu that didn’t you?

A Hungarian religious sect took a Jehovah’s Witness approach to religion… each one became a Buddha pest.

As you all know I don’t hear very well.  And I wouldn’t have changed phone companies if I had realized the cell phone saleslady wasn’t saying that I would definitely prefer her cervix.

If and when the zombie apocalypse begins I’m heading for Costco……. They have thick walls, a great supply of food and a zombie can’t get in without a membership card. 

On Halloween Jack wore a pointy black hat and a long black dress covered in 100-watt bulbs… called herself The Lights Witch.

As I walk thru the Valley of the Shadow of Death I think to myself… “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real estate developer!”

Going to Taco Bell for a salad is a lot like going to a prostitute for a hug.

I think I’ve maybe had a few beers too many… either the smoke alarm is going off or the house is backing up.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter… but I don’t believe in removing anything from its natural habitat.

I just released a new fragrance… and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

I just drank some coffee I left on the counter this morning… it was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.

How much do you want to bet that the guy that invented the lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

The only time my wife will ever yell “deeper, deeper!” is when they’re lowering my casket into the ground.

Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin’ hot body!

If you think men aren’t good listeners whisper “c’mere, I’m naked”… he’ll here you from 8 states away.

My wife being a very well-adjusted woman always knows what she wants for her birthday… and what she’s going to exchange it for.

I hate Marriott hotels.  I asked for a wake-up call… the guy said “you’re 20 pounds overweight and your fly’s down!”

Nothing says “poor life choices” more than a half-smoked cigarette tucked behind your ear.

“Is a dolphin WHAT?”… Hitler’s wife answering the telephone.

The 98 cent store’s new frozen lasagna is so crappy the serving suggestion on the package just shows it in a trash can.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

The doctor instructed me to consume only clear liquids before surgery… vodka should qualify just fine.

Whoever named the “white house” and the “pentagon” was probably also the one who named “oranges”.

I’m not sure… but I think Honey Boo-Boo and her family are just a group of bears that were shaved and taught to poop indoors.

 I’m not saying my doctor is young… but he just sent me a text “2mer is b-9!”

I quit referring to Linda as “my wife” and now call her “my customer”… because she is, after all, always right.

It just amazes me how much “exercise” and “extra fries” sound alike!

 

 2017e

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March 13th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #558 (3-13-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

2015citya

The Second Friday The 13th In A Row

 

 

Your City Council

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            This week your city council voted 4-1 to allow tattoo studios downtown, allow more off site billboards for developers new subdivisions (as promised to a developer by a city consultant), have the planning commission approve all new building colors, and magically made electronic cigarettes the same as tobacco ones. They, by the same vote, made the city manager the electronic freeway sign tsar deciding what community organizations can use the device under the city’s 10 per cent allowance for non-profits. There can be no appeal of his decisions by a 4-1 vote of the council. I don’t even know if that’s legal… Can you keep a citizen from appealing a bureaucrat’s decision?

The whole e-cigarette report was another sham brought to the council by the same consultant who is setting Dixon up the way he wants it. I showed the council one of the devices and blew a harmless cloud of vapor of peach flavored, non-nicotine (I’m working on a story on it). I explained many people are kicking the tobacco/nicotine habit by using these things and businesses should decide if they want them used or not. The council and their consultant instead said they are to be considered the same as tobacco cigarettes and made them illegal to use in all non-tobacco areas in the city. Question: If I walk out some cold morning and breathe out a little cloud of vapor from my breath in a non-smoking area am I going to be arrested… These are just more cases of more anti-business- “he who has the gold rules”… Dixon’s Golden Rule.

Should a city really control and micro-regulates free enterprise and then claim to be “business friendly”?

 

I’m Not A Real Politician

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            Congrats to the newest Citizen of the Year left to right, Kevin Johnson and the dual veterans of the year, Wayne Holland and John Darby.

It was really obvious at the Dixon Chamber of Commerce annual dinner last weekend who the politicians were and weren’t… I was the weren’t. Mayor Jack and his two sure votes councilmembers Scott and Jerry set up a political table with themselves, State Assemblyman Bill Dodd and his minion, State Senator Lois Wolk’s minion, and Supervisor John Vasquez.

Funny, they didn’t even acknowledge our presence a few tables away sitting with other former citizen of the year recipients, which was OK with us. They would like me and my kind to go away, sorry, you got me for four more years and then maybe some more like me in less than two. It was interesting to see them work the crowd smiling, shaking hands and going out of their way to acknowledge those they felt were worthy of their attention.  Glad there weren’t any babies to kiss.

I just had a short conservation with Assemblyman Dodd and Supervisor Vasquez (over at the drawing prize tables) about the horrible shape First Street/Highway 113 was in. Dodd ordered his minion to take a note to send a letter to Cal Trans asking for something to be done and Vasquez said he had just come back from a meeting and took the highway 113 to Dixon and agreed it badly needs work done.

Mayor Jack (his politics aside) is the textbook mayor. He has the smile, hand shake, dress and mannerisms befitting that position. He always speaks of Dixon in the best light and makes a great public appearance and looks and acts like a mayor should. He works a lot of extra hours showing up everywhere from a kid’s spelling bee, to book day at an elementary school, reading to a 5th grade class to a charity event. He always represents Dixon in the best light and is good at smoozing and makes a neat appearance…He is accepted in all of his elected social circles and is a carbon copy of other mayors.

I always give everything he says all of the due consideration it is worth. I agree with him and his boys whenever I can, which is a majority of the time. I do believe voters will send him and his cadre a message at the next election but until then I will work with them when and if I can to better our community and plan for the future. .. But I am not superficial…I just can’t go along to get along.

 

On the other side of the coin mayor Jack is a really good old style politician…being a big fish in a small pond. He’s stacked all three commissions with his friends and like-minded followers. He has at least one appointment on all three commissions that are questionable.

He has an assured two to three votes each time he says, “This is what I want” which is a signal to me, unless I have two magical votes, I should just fold up the tent and go home. He is really a great local power broker and has almost all of his ducks in a row. His only problem is I’m not a duck… otherwise his complete dominance would be assured.

He and his group backed and helped the other three councilmembers get elected so they are indebted to him. Two are bobble heads and nod and agree with every word that flows from their chief’s lips. This city and all of the decisions being made for it are based on what Jack thinks is best for us all and not what the citizens could or would want. Maybe he does know what’s best for us all, in all cases… Then again probably not.

Being the lone ranger so to speak, I, without Tonto, have to do the best I can while taking notes and patiently waiting until 2016 for the voters to speak again. He and his crew keep racking up anti-business and  anti-taxpayer/voter- votes. In the meantime the real Golden Rule applies I guess… You know… He who has the gold rules.

 

They Can’t Force You How To Think… Yet

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There are new trends sweeping the nation dealing with the obliteration of the first amendment to the constitution are interesting. Do governmental bodies and the bureaucrats really think by making all American speak and talk differently they are really changing their thought process too? … Just the opposite may be happening.

They are telling us what we can say, how we can say it, what we can and should read and only the Wasps are saddled with this big list of do’s and don’ts… that no minorities have to follow… B.S. Read into this you will… Just don’t talk about it in public least you be ostracized by the current powers that be.

I have to be more careful with what I say now that I’m an elected official but, at least for a little while longer, I can still control my own thoughts. Like most people I’m glad they haven’t perfected or written into law to persecute people for what they think. If the bleeding hearts have their way mind reading and re-programing will come to that as soon as they rewrite the constitution and figure out how to mind tap… Lord help them (and me of course) when they get into mine.

 

The Lake 

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            Lake Berryessa is still low, higher than before but lower than before too. Got That?  The surface elevation was at 412 feet on Monday… the top of the Glory Hole is about 440 feet, about 28 feet from the water.  The storage is at about 1,061,504 acre feet with the maximum capacity of the lake about 1.6 million acre feet. Rainfall at the lake is about10 inches below average coming in at 16.5 inches so far.

Photo from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older:

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Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich, you have a 50% chance of being right…

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

…and as someone recently said to me: Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

2015

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March 6th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #557 (3-6-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


 Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

*If you’ve ever wondered what your name my sound like in “dolphin language”… simply lick your fingertips and rub a balloon.

 

 

Time Changes Saturday

2016

 

 I Want To Thank The SCRCC

2016h

            I don’t know how to express my gratitude to the Solano County Republican Central Committee for their announcement at the State Republican Convention last week in Sacramento. They told the huge assembly they were responsible for getting two republicans elected to the non-partisan Dixon City Council. Wow! Isn’t that great? They endorsed Scott Pederson and Devon Minnema. They specifically didn’t endorse me but they now take credit for getting me elected. Isn’t it wonderful how politics and BS work? We were invited to their convention last week in Sacramento to attend a party for elected Republican officials from all over the state. It was probably a good thing for them we elected not to attend huh?

 

“Strippers in Steamboat Slough…”

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               Former school teacher Kathryn Nichols, 82, mother of USAF’s Tim and grandmother of USAF’s Shane, passed away recently and her service was held last week and a reception at the Cornerstone Church. She was a feisty senior who was never afraid to share her opinion, solicited or not. She was one of my occasional critics with phone calls like…”Anyone ever proof read your column?” Her classic question was on one story I wrote… “Were there really strippers in Steamboat Slough?” Although I may never get it right all of the time I still can’t use the word without her voice echoing in my ear… If there were strippers on or in Steamboat Slough there would be a lot more fishermen I suppose. I’ve always had a problem with two particular words in the millions I’ve written and had published…striper (the fish) and stripper (the one that takes line off your reel real quick or take plastic off wires). The other word is especially hard for me and is especialy challenging. Spell check often doesn’t help that’s why occasionally you see some real beauts appearing in this space.

 

Lucy’s Warning…No Free Lunch

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            Ms. Lucy Vassar long time Dixon matriarch and icon called the other day to say she got a “new kind” of phone scam promising her a “free cruise for two”. Not a lot of folks getting up near the century mark like Lucy and Linda’s mom, Mary, are sharp enough to smell out a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But these two are sharp. Anyway Lucy wanted me to remind everyone not to fall for any phone scams… especially seniors. If you follow our policy it will make unwanted phone and scams easy to handle. Both Linda and I say, “Sorry we don’t buy or donate to anything presented over the phone. You can mail it to us and we’ll take a look at it.”  And then stick to your guns and hang up. You know how many thing we’ve received in the mail from this type of policy? Nada…that’s NONE.  Most calls are from professional telemarketers that squeeze through the “do not call” rule, but that simple statement cuts them off at the pass… Use it and don’t be a chump and give out any information, over the phone, to anybody…for any reason. Just don’t do it or be sorryThere Lucy, good enough?

 

Let’s Tick Off Our Only Real Ally In I.S. Country

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Your president Obama was not feeling well and was concerned about his mortality so he goes to consult a ​ ​psychic about the date of his death.  Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.” “Which one?”  Obama asks nervously. “It   doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic, “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”

 

PD Offering CC Engraving On SUV’s

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            In response to the large number of catalytic converter thefts the Dixon Police Department, in conjunction with Ron DuPratt Ford and Ace Hardware, is going to put on a free engraving clinic Saturday, March 21, from 10 am to 2 pm at DuPratt Ford’s place on at 1320 N. First Street.

They will etch, engrave or “brand” your license number on you CC FREE, which, if the thief happens to not be in a hurry, and sees it in the dark, may dissuade them from ripping it off. If they do get it, it will be harder to sell and very easy to track if recovered.

The dirt bags get like $100 buck a piece for them but it can cost you up to a couple of thousands to have them replaced. You should probably pre-register for the event at www.etchdixon.com. You can just drop in but why not sign up for a time like we did. Dixon Police Chief Jon Cox told me the ID will really help if they recover it. Now they can find a garage full of them and have no way to prove they were stolen or how to get them back to their owners. It takes less than a minute for the thieves to scoot under your truck/car and cut one off. One local Dixon guy had his stolen, believe it or not, in broad daylight while he and his family were eating inside of  In and Out in Vacaville!

 

 

*More Things For Thought

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My friends say I have commitment issues… as if I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes for a hot dog at Costco.

A lady we know was downcast as she told us she was on the way to the doctor for a lump she found in her breast. She returned later with the good news… it was a skittle caught in her bra.

“My name will live forever!”… Anonymous.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200 meters underwater are situations in which what time it is would be my main concern.

I’m biased… I have four buttocks. Think about it…

I was accused of sleeping with the wife’s sister… perhaps I could have responded better than “nope, couldn’t happen.  Her snoring keeps me awake all night.”

 A fortnight is equal to 14 nights unless you live in a fort, then it’s only 1 night… fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I taught a man to buy fish… it was just so damn much easier.

“We reach out to meet each other halfway, filling the vast void between us as we seek to become one”… written by my eyebrows.

I passed a guy walking three dogs this morning… he must be really blind.

Doing a math test problem I computed the answer to be 23.  The choices given ranged from 170, 264, 265, and 348… I picked 170 ‘cuz it’s the closest to 23.  Next term I’m taking shop.

The bright side of global warming is that our great-grandchildren may all own beachfront property.

 * I tried to help once by doing my granddaughter’s hair… a very kind older lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance they’re thinking “damn. Did I leave the iron on?”

I used to be poor… but now I find I’m impecunious.

When crime was no longer lucrative I’m pretty sure the Riddler got a straight job… writing furniture assembly instructions for Ikea.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that insurance rates for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks … and more on why mama bear and papa bear no longer seem to sleep in the same bed.

Why is it we can put a rover on mars that can handle any kind of terrain… but we can’t make a handrail that goes the same speed as the escalator?

It’s actually the voices outside my head that I find the most irritating.

The only French I know are the names of a few food items and most of the lyrics to frère Jacques… turns out that’s all you really need.

If pi is 3.14 then I think .99 is a really good deal for 2 donuts.

I went into Whole Foods store and yelled “somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru”… and everyone ran out.

I will never understand this fixation with passwords and their identifier questions that serve only to foster insecurity… what was your high school nickname?  How would you describe your breath?  What’s wrong with your toes?

The cops are cracking down on texting while you drive… but there’s no law against standing up through your sunroof and playing the saxophone.

One of the lessons you learn living in a dorm is after partying if you go to the store for milk you won’t buy milk… you will spend most of your available money on hot pockets, however.

Teens, you may find yourself “embarrassed”  by certain things your body is doing… when in fact you should be ashamed.

Years ago my kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest… long story short, my chiropractor got a new boat.   

My grandkids teach me something every day. Today they taught me how much a plumber cost… who flushes a potato?

 

Not Joking About This Babble

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            We were at the COSTCO in Woodland a couple of weeks ago on a Saturday after our grandson’s 9th birthday party at the Heidrick Ag History Museum. We seemed to be the only English speaking people in the entire packed store… I’m not kidding. After I became aware of it I asked my first wife Linda to listen and see if she could hear anyone speaking English…She didn’t. The last time I saw/heard something like this was in a COSTO (or Sam’s) in either Hong Kong or Taiwan; and I heard more English spoken there. It was a little unsettling. I counted six nationalities I could kind of identify and many I couldn’t…spooky. I flashed upon the idea I had been transported to the biblical Bable or woke up in a foreign land. One of the ethnic minorities bothered me more than the rest. I stereotyped the ugly A**hole in my mind, and I almost said something with the way he was berating his little, young and cute hooded wife (?) over her choice of strawberries… What an ugly, mean dirty looking tyrant. I wanted to tell him what country he was in and tell her she didn’t have to put up with his crap and tell her about community property and free legal advice but Linda thought it wouldn’t turn out well if I did… Oh well, maybe some folks from the People’s Republic of Davis will hopefully get to her.

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February 28th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #556 (2-27-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

This woman at the mall got super offended when I asked if I could pet her son… like I’m the one that put him on a leash.

 2015f

 Now’s the time to buy or sell…

Now’s the time… If you are planning to sell your home in the near future now’s the time to start sprucing up and making repairs. The prime selling season is coming up and interest rates are still at near all-time lows… great for buyers and sellers. Home prices are going up so if you are thinking about buying make sure to get pre-approved for a loan or you may not have a chance to get the right home when you find it. It doesn’t matter if you are buying or selling find a reputable real estate agent to represent and advise you… it will only make or save you money. I work for one of the largest real estate companies in the word, Century 21, and we have buyers. If you have a home, ranch or just property to sell, give me a ring and we can do it all for you… Call me at 707-372-7007 for free advice.

 

I Was Really Bummed…

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I was really bummed out at the city council meeting Tuesday night when the newly appointed city treasurer, Dane Bassinette, just didn’t show up for his first meeting after being sworn in. His council buddies appointed him the open paid (elected) position after the public booted him from elected office in the last election…Oh well.

That isn’t what bummed me out through. What really did it was when your mayor and councilmembers Jerry and Scott said they didn’t have any problem with professional panhandlers begging for money throughout the city. The three said it didn’t bother them for these folks to hold up signs and beg for money. I had asked the city attorney to bring about an ordinance like Vacaville is doing to restrict professional begging to areas not around traffic, businesses, ATMs, etc. Especially around the busy intersection and streets around Wal-Mart.

 

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I was under the apparent mistaken notion we were elected to represent the voters and the public, not a couple of bums sad eying people and begging for money… I asked for Dixon to have what Vacaville will have shortly to make shopping, banking, getting gas, etc. an occasion where a woman doesn’t have to roll through a stop sign or sit unconf\ortaly waiting for a light to change while some beggar holds a sign up and woefully begs for cash. Who are these people? Are they needy? Are they homeless? Are they from here? Or… did they come here because Dixon folks are such a soft touch?

I’ve had many people tell me it makes them uncomfortable to have a sign put in their view begging for money. Some have said it caused them to make moves in their cars they wouldn’t have done under normal conditions. Several women at the city council meeting even said it made them uncomfortable and would like to see it restricted.

But your Mayor Jack and councilmembers Jerry and Scott said the beggars were OK, and they were OK with it and didn’t want to restrict them unless it was a really dangerous situation… Look at the tape yourself… I don’t know if they did this because I proposed the changes in the law to restrict these professional bums or if they really believe the liberal BS they were spouting. Councilmember Scott and his “minister” people would like to help them. If so, they can certainly go out to Wal-Mart and bring a bum home for lunch/dinner and give them a spare bedroom and a place to stay and a few bucks…right?   I mean you have to believe anything they scribble on a piece of cardboard and you know they are truthful…because…they look sad? I’ve seen beggars in Vacaville check their cell phones and one hiding his Starbucks cup when people approached. Another gathered his gear and walk way across the parking lot to his car.

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How many times do you see “will work for food” or work for anything? I respect the guys who hang around 7-11 and will take whatever work they can to help support their families. You do-gooders want to help someone who needs help, help get them work.

So the outcome at the present time is Vacaville will restrict and boot out as many of the bums as they can who will, through their grapevine I’m sure, hear that Dixon is wide open and receptive to them by a majority of the city council.

I believe in helping those who want to be helped and move on to something better, not enabling those who don’t. And before you bleeding hearts start the tsk, tsk, tsk, do the math. We’re going into our 49 years of the Dixon Community Christmas programs. Just say we averaged seeing 75 seniors a year, and only 300 families and only 500 children, plus vets and other special cases…what’s the total? They’ve all been screened and from this zip code and we knew they deserved help… and we helped.

 No Free Sign For Vets or Kids Cancer Drive!

Your city council also screwed the American Legion AND THE St. Baldrick’s Foundation (raising money for children’s cancer research) by not allowing them to have a few minutes on the new gaudy electronic billboard out on the freeway… Keep up guys and you’ll finally understand how I got elected.  

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American Legion Post #208, Dixon is holding a fund raiser this Saturday, Feb 28 from 1 to 4 p.m. They’ve raised $1,815.00 so far…with only 16 participants. You can just donate money or have money donated for you to have your head shaved in support of the effort, Call 707-592-8463 for more information. The St. Baldrick’s Foundation is a volunteer-driven charity committed to funding the most promising research to find cures for childhood cancers and give survivors long, healthy lives. People donate money and have their heads shaved to show they care about helping to find a cure for childhood cancers.  I participated in this in the past. This year Dixon’s Mayor Jack Bachelor will do what he does at the event.

 

More Things For Thought2014 Smikley - Copy

 The wife asked me a question and before I could answer said “hold on, I can’t hear you. I’ve gotta turn on a light.”… WTF?  The dark was too loud?

I just don’t understand pedophiles… kids are just so annoying.

I was in the eye doctor’s waiting room … there’s apparently an old people’s throat clearing competition here today.

I’m willing to bet even money that Pope Benedict will appear on Celebrity Rehab this season.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says “for mature audiences only”… can I watch or not?

Parents learn too… when the first kid swallowed a coin we immediately took him to the ER.  The second did it and we calmly waited for it to pass thru.  When it happened with the third one we deducted it from his allowance. 

Oatmeal:  A grain based breakfast food that may help you lower your cholesterol so you can live long enough to one day get cancer.

Some days I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum… then I take a good look around at everyone here and realize maybe I already am.

White Zinfandel is a wine that comes from the refrigerator region of your house.

Someone once defined “monogamy” as the practice of not having sex with one person at a time.

The National Mall in Washington, D.C. is the only mall in America that doesn’t have a Sunglass Hut.

Sometimes it seems “H” is the eighth letter in the alphabet as well as being Jesus’s middle initial.

Wheel of Fortune is Jeopardy for people who have an associate’s degree in cosmetology.

More and more couples who own their own homes find themselves paying rent… a regular payment made to a landlord on behalf of their children who majored in sociology even though they were told not to.

A drug store, aka a pharmacy, is a retail establishment where a person can buy condoms and any other random thing they can grab so it looks like they’re not just buying condoms.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

One of the kids snuck into my study last night and left a note saying he had broken one of the keys on my keyboard… I onder hich one?

Why a man would want a wife is a mystery to some people… why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery!

It’s my friend’s birthday today.  He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his girl… we’ve absolutely no idea how to celebrate.

Janay Rice said that what happened in that elevator with her husband Ray was “God’s plan”… God must not like her very much.

I bought an album from a conservation society called the “sounds of the Rain Forest”… the first half was birds chirping, the rest was chain saws and bulldozers.

Thinking of having children… learn about getting small children prepared to play in the snow by wrestling mittens onto an angry octopus.

Smiling releases endorphins which in turn relieve stress… now all I have to do is explain that to my proctologist when he finishes the exam.

Fun fact:  Bears hibernate in winter to escape Christmas music.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I’ve visited Chernobyl… eight.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive… “Hi!”.

 Getting married is easy but staying married is difficult… just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

The year is 2240 and all fossil fuels are depleted.  Our only source of coal is Santa Claus… therefore we all must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

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February 21st 2015
That’s Life©1966 #555 (2-20-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

“Gong Hey Fat Choy”

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The world’s largest annual human migration is now well underway as 2.8 billion trips are made across China in what is known as Chun Yun, when students, migrant workers and office employees living away from home will make the journey back to celebrate with their families. Those born in 1919, 1931, 1943, 1967, 1979, 1991 or 2003 are goats/sheep, who can count their lucky colors as brown, red and purple. Their characters are supposedly kind and peaceable, while their best months are supposedly August and November and their lucky flowers are primroses and carnations.

It is China’s most important holiday It started yesterday and Chinese New Year is the longest national holiday in China, spanning a total of 15 days, and New Year’s Day is the most important date in the Chinese calendar. The first three days of the New Year are a statutory holiday but usually most people will have the time from New Year’s Eve to the sixth day of the New Year off from work.

I was in China/Taiwan one year just at the start of the migration… Incredible is all I can say. For the working laborers this time is the only time of the year they get to visit family. Many work 12-15 hours a day seven days a week for the rest of the year. The trains and busses are filled past capacity and it seems like the whole countries are on the move… because they are.

The only other “gong hey fat choy story” I have is the time, years ago,  an oriental man in Sacramento ran a stop sign and I laid on my horn and he yelled something at me in Chinese. The only words that came to mind were “gong hey fat choy” so I yelled that back at him as nasty as I could… He suddenly calmed down and drove off bewildered trying to figure out, I Guess, why I wished him an angry happy new year in the middle of the summer… true story!

 

 

Not Joking About This Babble

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            We were at the COSTCO in Woodland  a week ago Saturday after our grandson’s 9th birthday party at the Heidrick Ag History Museum and we seemed to be the only English speaking people in the entire packed store… I’m not kidding. After I became aware of it I asked my first wife Linda to listen and see if she could hear anyone speaking English…She didn’t. The last time I saw/heard something like this was in a COSTO (or Sam’s) in either Hong Kong or Taiwan; and I heard more English spoken there. It was a little unsettling. I counted six nationalities I could kind of identify and many I couldn’t…spooky. I flashed upon the idea I had been transported to the biblical Babble or woke up in a foreign land. One of the ethnic minorities bothered me more than the rest. I stereotyped the ugly A**hole in my mind, and I almost said something with the way he was berating his little, young and cute hooded wife (?) over her choice of strawberries… What an ugly, mean dirty looking tyrant. I wanted to tell him what country he was in and tell her she didn’t have to put up with his crap and tell her about community property and free legal advice but Linda thought it wouldn’t turn out well if I did… Oh well, maybe some folks from the People’s Republic of Davis will hopefully get to her.

 

Another Train Wreck

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            About 9 p.m. Sunday my phone lit up (thanks Eric) with reports of a train blocking the RR tracks in Dixon reportedly because it hit a shopping cart placed on the tracks… Real funny huh? The reports I received said it blocked the road for over 25 minutes. I couldn’t verify with the PD by my info came from people at the scene. Anyway again, real funny… especially in light of the West Virginia train wreck the next day.

You all realize this is the same stuff coming through Dixon on a regular basis, don’t you? I have asked the city to request emergency grants from the county, state and federal governments to complete two overpasses to give our residents and emergency officials a way to both a way to respond and to get the hell out of town if one of these rolling time bombs goes off here. The rest of the city council has agreed and the city manager is supposed to be getting communications off to all of our elected officials asking to immediate help and consideration.

For any of you idiots who want to put things on the tracks just look at the following information. A train carrying more than 100 tankers of crude oil derailed in southern West Virginia on Monday, sending at least one into the Kanawha River, igniting at least 14 tankers and sparking a house fire, officials said.  Oil from North Dakota’s shale fields was still burning in West Virginia a day after a train carrying more than 3 million gallons of crude derailed in a snowstorm, shooting fireballs into the sky, according to published reports.

 

APTOPIX Train Derailment

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Reportedly hundreds of families were evacuated and nearby water treatment plants were temporarily shut down after 19 tanker cars left the tracks and caught fire, leaking oil into a Kanawha River tributary and burning a house down to its foundation. Luckily no one was reported killed.

 

 

More Things For Thought  2014 Smikley - Copy

 

She believed me when I told her concentration camps were for people with attention deficit disorder!

 Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are “gel less”.

 It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

 This strip mall is certainly misleading… I should probably put my clothes back on now.

 I once had a hangover so good that I crawled out of the bedroom naked and then slept six more hours on the kitchen floor.

 Apparently we’ve lost a five-year old.  He went missing right after someone said “bath time”… he’s short, naked and sporting 20-23 Spiderman Band-Aids.

 I think I now know the stress level of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb… my wife stood and watched me as I unloaded the dishwasher.

 I find it real cute how pedestrians seemingly confuse “right of way” with “immortality”.

 One thing I’ve never purchased is wind chimes… I just can’t see myself saying “it’s just too quiet. ya know what would be nice?  Some noise.” 

 This guy at work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas… his name was Roger.

 I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily… but I just beat the crap out of a motion activated air freshener.

 There is nothing sadder or more pathetic than waking in the morning and anxiously turning to gaze into the love of your life’s face… and finding she’s deflated during the night.

 I wonder what “don’t touch” is in braille.

 When having dinner at my brother’s house I asked “where are the kids?”.  He said, “I grounded them.”… I spit out the meatball.

 My 11-year old grandson is looking for a summer job… he’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

 I know this is only our second date, and I hope I’m not moving too fast… but I’d like permission to re-name your damn cat.

 My boss asked if I was ready to take on more responsibility… since I was eating around a sticker on an apple ‘cuz I’m too lazy to peel it off I should probably say no.

 Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times… tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

 

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers thru the wife’s hair… it’s a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.

 If an Elvis impersonator dies suddenly does he become the best Elvis impersonator?   

 If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle… just for the chance, however slight, that I could be turned into a Ninja.

 Don’t think you’re immune.  We’re all just a whim away from singing “the Lion Sleeps Tonight”… yes, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

 Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike… the irony would be awesome.

 My kleptomania has always been a challenge… but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.  

 My 84-year old neighbor must really like working on his car… he’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

 I should have been nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”.

 So Nicholas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey!  Why the wrong face?”

 Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb… just like screaming, crying and dying.

 He arrives mysteriously, helps others. performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens……..E.T. (1982) PG

 Fun Fact:  Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian and the marathons they were in.

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February 14th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #554 (2-13-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

“Government is not reason; it is not eloquence; it is force! Like fire,

it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master.” George Washington

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Guess I’ll Do It The Other Way…

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Man sometimes you just can’t win. I’m trying to get along with my four other elected officials on the city council but it isn’t always easy. I tried for three meetings in a row to get the council to authorize a survey of the business community on its perception of the city and the way it does business with them.    During the recent campaign I heard numerous war stories about the business community having “troubles” with city hall and Dixon being perceived as “anti-business”.  I didn’t just make this up. So I asked the council to appoint an ad-hoc committee of me and the chair and vice chair of the planning commission (and throw in a staff member if they wished) to come up with a short survey that could be mailed to many of those with a business license. Just a simple questionnaire with easy to answer questions, that could be done anonymously to tell the council the feelings of the business community is all I asked.

We have three councilmen (me, Steve and Jack) and two council MEMBERS Scott and Jerry. Scott campaigned on helping the business community and the voters the right to vote. As soon as he got elected he turned against the voters and their right to vote and to and now doesn’t want to find out how the business community feels about city hall…go figure. He and Jerry insist on backing the city staff without any rhyme or reason to the point of absurdity. Their allegiance is apparently to a paid city staff instead of the voters?

I presented the idea again, for the third and final time Tuesday night in light of three recent occurrences that seem to validate complaints; two against small businesses and one favoring big business.

Anyway, no one with the council 4+1 gang would make the motion so the issued died…Or so they think. Unlike MEMBERS Scott and Jerry, I keep my promises. Like I said, I tried to do it the right way. Get the city’s survey done; hold a “closed session” city council meeting to discuss personnel, etc. They let that idea die…So now I’ll do it another way. I will now try to link with an outside group that cares about the business community, gather the data and have them present it in an open meeting sans any kind of staff protection or glossing over any findings.

If you have a store front business you will probably be contacted one way or the other and will be able to freely answer questions (with both positive and negative comments) without any fear of retribution because we won’t reveal our sources… So business community, relief may be on the way; granted the hard way instead of the easy way but your opinions will be solicited and your elected officials will have to hear you at some point…You have at least lone voice on the council that won’t be silenced. BTW…I’m having my business cards changed to say City Councilman… I may have a “member” but I’m not one.

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Lying Brian

 

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Brian Williams, long time NBC news anchor was suspended for six months without pay… a real life sacrificial lamb. There’s a call for him to resign. I’ll admit now the only reason I’m alive as a journalist is that I pushed an old lady aside (she didn’t have long anyway) and got a seat on a life boat off the Titanic. I also knocked over an old man and jumped from the Hindenburg just in time and was the standby for John Glen for his little trip to space…

But I don’t like to brag or embellish many of the things I’ve done so I just go with the flow and keep the facts to myself  of what I had to do, and wade through at times, to get here… from there. That’s TV journalism BS  talk at its best don’t you think?

All writers have a tendency to embellish; some more than others. Now every news reader on every Sacramento T.V. station editorializes on EVERY story they READ. Channel 3 used to stand alone at just delivering the news but they all now Brian Williams on each and every story…Not all to the same degree but giving their unsolicited opinion on EVERY story is much the same as getting your past facts skewered.

So Brian wasn’t shot at 12 years ago (we were shot at here 35 years ago) and he didn’t see dead bodies after a hurricane…He was carrying 600,000 to 10,000,000 viewers a night (depending on which news source you chose to believe) because people apparently liked him. I would like any of these mega-media-news stars to take a step forward if they’ve never embellished a story for effect… See anyone coming forth? No, and you won’t. What a bunch of crap. Fewer and fewer believe the main stream media anymore anyway. They all lie, sometimes on purpose, other times not so much. It’s the old… “those who live in glass houses” shouldn’t heave rocks syndrome.

 

Watch your Catalytic Converter

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Unfortunately your catalytic converter (no, it’s not someone who has changed religions) on your car or truck can be taken relatively quickly… like less than a minute.  Thieves just use a battery operated “Sawzall” or pipe cutter to cut the exhaust pipe off at each end. We are seeing a rash of thefts along the Highway 80 (nine one night last weekend alone in Dixon) corridor in surrounding cities as well. Vacaville had a bunch over the weekend as well.

Most reputable metal recyclers will not take them, but the ones that do pay up to $100 a piece for them. Very disturbing since the cost to the victim to replace is usually in excess of $1,000. I’m going to post a note on our truck: “Don’t take then chance of cutting off out converter with our ID engraved on it and getting caught. Just knock on the door and ask me for the $100 and I’ll write you a check. That way you still win and I save $900”. Trust me I won’t call the police or shoot you. They don’t do this silently and they don’t like the area lit up by motion sensor spot lights. They probably wouldn’t like a butt full of 12 gauge rock salt either.

I asked our police chief about it and he said: “We are working on increasing public awareness and possibly a prevention program where owners of vehicles bring them in and have the converter etched with the license plate of the vehicle. Please let your readers know that trucks and SUV’s make up about 80 percent of the vehicles targeted because they are higher off the ground and easier to get to. Jon Cox Dixon Chief of Police

 

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