Posted under That's Life Columns
Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com
Colon Crapernick & Company
(For the few who may not know Colon Crapernick is a quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers professional football team who refused to stand for the national anthem and instead knelt and refused to put his hand over his heart… to protest social injustice and the way cops are killing minorities, I guess cops killing other non-minorities is OK.)
Colon: “The section of the large intestine that runs from the cecum to the rectum,”…
I have a suggestion to help out Colon and his few followers… No, not that one… I have a positive solution to their mental problems. He and his kneelers, sitters and fist raisers actually have it in their power to make some constructive changes to this horrible nation… Here goes…
You and your “professional athletic supporters” followers can actually make some strides towards great social changes by starting an organization with the sole purpose of analyzing society and help enacting behavioral changes to avoid confrontations between all people and the law enforcement community you see as a problem. You pulled down what, almost $15 million for one year so you and your friends are all multi-multi-millionaires right? How about putting some of that cache, this disgusting country enabled to all to get, to work for your cause instead of just your mouths. How many of these “protesters” got a free education and training to become a pro paid for by this nasty nation?
You and your buddies can pool you money (and no doubt get a tax write off from this horrible nation) and start a foundation dealing with all of the social wrongs you perceive and come up with positive changes that can be made to help all concerned. Duh, you and your brain trust never thought of that or you’re too cheap with your multi millions to put your money where your mouth is? Your little group has the financial ability to actually help study and improve social interactions in, let’s say Chicago where over 500 killings have happened so far this year, where mostly minorities have been killing minorities.
I think as far as I, and 99 per cent of the citizens of this horrible country are concerned, either put up or shut up… you and all of your followers need to be condemned for starting more problems and doing nothing to help solve them… except blab. You have the bucks, and for today at least the media’s attention, so why not get off your knee, give your Colon a rest, and help instead of hurt.
Don’t get me wrong you’re entitled to your opinion and all the millions of those who fought and died for your freedom (to be an ungrateful taker of everything this country has to offer) of speech and expression well, we’d … Forget it I’ve wasted enough space on this guy.
Hey, Crap, when you get to play again sprain a finger so you can still collect your millions for not playing… That’s the American way huh? This will appear in my column here, on the web at tedhickman.com and on Facebook… Some of us on the other side are not afraid to speak up! Cut the Crap, do him a favor and trade him to the Bears… there’s plenty going on in Chicago for him to be concerned about!
The 100 MPH Goat… True Story!
Two Elmira rednecks are out rattlesnake hunting, and as they are walking along over by the Timm Ranch they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it. The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?” The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw something down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. They turn around just in time to see a black and white goat come crashing through the underbrush at extremely high speed, run up to the hole and, with absolutely no hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old goat farmer named Herman saunters up to them. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my black and white goat around here anywhere, did you?” The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and that goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped… headfirst into the hole!”
The old farmer says, “Naw, that’s impossible, can’t be mine … I had him chained to a transmission.”
From The Email box…
Hi Ted, I want to thank you for bringing this site to our attention! I wasn’t sure at first if you were putting us on or it was a real site. I never know about you! Anyway, I signed up for it and it is great. My phone has never been so quiet! 🙂 E.M. Dixon
As the lady says it really works. If you missed it I did a little piece on NOMOROBO a free web site that negates all (or most at least) computer generated calls. You know the ones I’m talking about the “Robo Calls” that ring at all hours and when you answer there’s a slight delay and then the spiel begins. The Robo calls (robot calls I guess since they are not human) can pretty much be history until the scumbags figure a way to get around this FREE security system, with which you can go from a dozen calls a day to none. The calls that need to get through do; it’s just the ones with the delay that get cut off. Your phone may ring but you just don’t answer it until the third ring (to give the computer time to end it).
We had it for a while and then lost it so we really appreciated it when I got it back by simply going on line to www.nomorobo.com and following the simple directions… After getting it you at first think your phone may be broken but it’s just back to the way it should be with only the call you want coming through… Try it, it works well for us and many of our readers… unless you like the constant interruptions… then don’t do it.
More Things For Thought!
*I saw a couple standing in the park, holding each other gazing into one another’s eyes. It was touching… someone must have stolen their phones.
*Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of a mermaid.
*Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterward?
*At what age should you have the talk with your daughter and tell her she’s really not the princess of anything and she’ll have to get a job… is it 6?
*If your brain produces large amounts of excess saliva then you have an overactive patooey-tary gland.
*Why do football players dance when only good crap happens… just once I’d like to see a quarterback throw an interception and follow it up with a sad interpretive dance.
*Just once I’d like to have a number between 1 and 10 think of me.
*’Bad’ is accidentally sending your buddy a dirty, suggestive text intended for your girlfriend… ‘Worse’ is getting “lemme think about it” as a reply.
*Apparently, when the wife asks you to get your toddler down off your bed she doesn’t men to knock him off with a pillow.
*Once in high school I wrote a poem so sublime I had to turn my desk upside down and row away on a river of molten thongs and cheerleader tears.
*I just dropped $2 somewhere in my car and can’t find it… guess I have a savings account now.
*The ZZ Top lyric “Every girl’s crazy for a sharp dressed man” is 5 words too long.
*Can somebody please tell me why there are weight limits on elevators… But not on slutty clothes?
*I get it, your honor… randomly hitting fat kids isn’t considered ‘fighting the war on childhood obesity’.
*I want to become a librarian so badly… I just love books, and I love telling people to shut up even more.
*What is the proper etiquette for a colonoscopy… I want to say “I appreciate what you’re doing here” without seeming flirty.
*My favorite extreme sport is staying awake all night… wondering where my life went wrong.
*Sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice going, Einstein”… without sounding sarcastic.
*They say that every village has an idiot… however; I think my village is the one where they keep the spares.
*Well of course heads are going to roll… they’re kinda round, aren’t they?
*I don’t mean to sound like a racist, but why do all Chinese food “take-out” boxes look the same?
*Are “friends with sexual tension but no benefits” a thing…yeah, I’m fairly certain it’s a thing.
*Kids are so much braver than adults… if I believed in a fairy that came in the night to collect human teeth from under my pillow… I’d never sleep again!
*I’ve always been the man they date just before they meet the man of their dreams.
*If you have a parrot and you haven’t taught it to say “Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”… you’re wasting everybody’s time.
*If Bruce Jenner wants to be a woman that’s fine… he just wants to prove there’s one normal woman in that family.
*Historically people turned grapes into wine, corn into whiskey, agave into tequila and sugarcane into rum… more modern people are turning soy, rice and almonds into milk.
*Hulk Hogan explained to Barbara Walters how he had to overcome manic-depressive disease… her response, “So you had to wrestle mania?”
*The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*I would be willing to bet that the braille on public signage, that the government insists on, only says “how did you know this was here?”