April 22nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #617 (4-22-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Poem – Walk With Me While I Age…

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my printing it will be worth the effort.“Walk with me while I age”… worth the read. A beautiful poem about growing older… Carp; I forgot the words.


Hang On To Your Nuts; Someone Wants To Grab Them!


      With the gazillion of acers of nuts we now have growing all around us there is going to have to be a new business pop up; “We’ll watch your nuts for you” or something like that. Why? Because nut thefts in California are skyrocketing and the nut owners are going nuts trying to stem the flow of the illegal nut thefts and sales; think I’m kidding?


High tech thieves are hacking into trucking companies and stealing their identities allowing them to highjack whole shipments of their high value cargo; mainly almonds, walnuts and pistachios valued anywhere from $150,000 to a half a million dollars a pop. Their nuts then take a sea voyage and end up in Europe or Asia where they bring top dollar… So no cost to buy the product, little risk and a huge amount of money for selling it sounds kind of nutty right? No actually it is a big lucrative business.

According to published sources last year in California alone there were 31 reported theft cases totaling $4.6 million with losses for the past four years totaling over $7.5 million.


California produces more of the three nut groups than any other state with a combined value of $9.3 billion in 2014 alone. Almonds themselves were valued at $5.9 billion by the USDA. Granted all of this is on the grand scale but local growers have their nuts clipped too each year at harvest time…


So it’s come down to this on the local level. If you want to hang on to your nuts you growers are going to have to have someone watch your nuts round the clock come harvest time. It’s no laughing matter really. Thefts from local orchards are a real problem too… and can be a real pain in the grower’s nut bags at harvest time… One quick and sure answer to stem local thefts is the old Oklahoma Lockwood shotgun trick, using rock salt filled shells, with a shot in the trespassing thief’s backside as they try to flee with their booty! You saw they had what appeared to be a weapon right? You’ll probably be sued (hey, your attorney can beat a public defender) but what the hell they won’t be able to sit down in court and word will get around not to mess with you or your nuts!



Want A Quick $5 grand?


Along the same “nutty stuff” lines is a local grower who just had nine trees cut down for no apparent reason other than just plain meanness. This is the second time this orchard has had this happen, last year they cut down seven trees. The recent vandalism last week off of Robben Rd. caused between $8 and $10,000 in damage and the grower is a whole lot less than happy… so much so he is offering a $5,000 reward for the arrest and conviction of the person/people responsible. So you want to pick up a quick, tax free $5 grand? You can do it anonymously through me or this paper if you wish. We won’t reveal the source and just pass the info over to the grower, the cops bust the bad guy, he goes to court and gets nailed and you get five big ones. Or just give me the name, refuse the reward and I’ll take the money as a community service if I have to.2016april22e


Food Trucks Tonight!


            Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win. First of all I didn’t know the city was a sponsor of the Sacramento food truck bunch coming to Dixon every fourth Friday (in the city’s Hall Park) from now through September… This came to the city via the Parks and Rec Commission… Vacaville had like 6,000 people last week at theirs and thousands were peeved at the city for lack of parking and up to an hour wait if they wanted to buy food.

I couldn’t initially see a downside to something like this… Cool, right here in Dixon right? Who would object and why would they? As usual every coin has two sides and boy did I hear from the other side. Here are the points a couple of people made:

  • Do all of these trucks have a Dixon business license?
  • 2. Who gets the sales tax; Dixon?
  • 3. Why is the city sponsoring and organization coming to town to take business and money away from local eateries?
  • 4. Will the Solano County health department check them while they are here?
  • 5. Will they be using local labor? 6. All of the money will be taken out of town, WTF? 7…On and on.

Sooo… Now being an elected official plus a journalist I need to get both sides of ALL issues and remember to ask if there’s a downside before voting for, or supporting, just about everything no matter how harmless is seems.


Ortho And Its Killer Products


Ortho…  According to published reports The giant garden poison maker and humongous chemical business now says it will stop using chemicals that are killing the world’s bees and threating the food supply for the nation… Pretty nice of them huh? According to published information the company said last week it will phase out neonicotinoids by 2021 in eight products used to control pests and plant diseases.

Is this a great company or what? They know what they are doing and act like they are doing the world a favor waiting to sell out all of their poison in the next five years before stopping its use… and your environmentally protective Democratic government? Nada; Demoncrats won’t screw with big contributors. You’ve heard of killer bees? Now you know who/what they really are!


The Sheer Night Gown


A Dixon guy named Bubba walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price… the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’ He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.


You Want More…?

*There are two sides to every divorce: yours and dipshit’s.

 *The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

*I live in my own little world, but it’s ok. Everyone knows me here.

*I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “guess” on it. I said, “Left tackle?”

*I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

*I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.

*The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

*If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make bloody Marys.

*Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

*Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

*No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” When their team’s winning.

*Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always  complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

*Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*Marriage changes passion… Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

*Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

*Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

*Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

*I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

*Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

*Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

*Why is it that our children can’t read a bible in school, but they can in prison?




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April 8th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #615 (4-8-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Air Force One returning from Cuba



You In My District? I don’t Know!


          Don’t know if you have heard but the city of Dixon is going to stop “at large” city council elections and go to districts… Yep, you heard me right… we are going to have to start picking our council members by district in this coming November election. Why? Because some lame brained judge somewhere set a precedent and decided that anyone can sue any governmental body for not representing any segment of any community… and they’ll WIN. Cities that fought the change based on the fact that it just plain doesn’t make sense have lost… and lost big with taxpayers having to foot the bill for up to hundreds of thousands of dollars… This is California for you and its wrong, but thy will be done.

Tentative district lines have been drawn and three basic plans have made their way to the council. This November councilmembers Steve Bird and Jerry Castanon positions will be up for election and only those two and people that live in their districts can run or be elected to those two seats. The mayor’s chair is also up this November and will still be at large to be voted on by all those registered within the city limits.

This whole districting mess has to be done and submitted to the county by June 1st for the November election. My seat and Scott’s won’t be up or voted on until November, 2018.

So if the guy across the page in the paper (Mike Ceremello) wants to run for election they’ve given him the choice… Run for mayor or wait and see what district he’s in and he may have to wait until 2018 to run for a council seat… Right? Wrong? Fair? Stupid? Pick one. Dixon’s Hispanic community is spread evenly through the city so they won’t benefit from the districtsI’m really not sure who or if anyone does… but it will be the law of the land shortly so if you have any input you best be putting it in shortly or live with what the majority of the council says will be your voting future.


Merle’s Gone…A Great Loss.



The photo above is one of took of Merle, left, in June 2011  when he appeared in concert at the Dixon May Fairgrounds.

           Merle Haggard died Wednesday at the hard fought age of 79… on his birthday. Pretty cool to come and go one the same day huh? He is one of my favorite singers and was a resident of Shasta County where he had a ranch. It’s actually amazing he lived that long with friends like Willie Nelson and the various vices they shared.

On one of our trips to Oklahoma we actually went to Muskogee and I said to my good friend Larry Lockwood, “Merle Haggard made little Muskogee famous (with the song Okie from Muskogee) worldwide didn’t he?” Larry with his iconic Oklahoma way of talking said, and I’ll never forget this: “Yep, but that man’s face looks like it done wore out two bodies…” classic comment, and true… But what a rich baritone voice the man had… sorry to see him go… many of us in Dixon got to see him in Dixon twice in recent years when he and his band appeared in concert at the Dixon May fairgrounds and when he and his band backed up Trace Atkins when he appeared at the fair.


More Things For Thought…2015Xmas7

*When you’re dead you don’t know you’re dead. So it’s only difficult for others… it’s the same when you’re stupid.

*If you have a baguette and walk by another individual with a baguette you are allowed, although not obliged, to duel the individual for the custody of their baguette.

*Holmes:  “I say old bean, is that mud on your boots?”… Watson:  “no, sh**, Sherlock.”

*When someone says “your fly’s down” it implies two things:1) I have a fly, and 2) he’s having a bad day.

*If tomorrow women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies just imagine how many industries would go out of business.

*Sometimes the best form of birth control is just good lighting.

*People who sit and ponder whether the glass is half-empty or half-full miss the point… the damn glass is refillable!

*There’s nothing quite like the freedom of riding a motorcycle without a helmet.  The wind blowing thru your hair… and the warm pavement on your face.

*What idiot called them “twins” instead of “wombmates”?

*Not to boast but my son’s friend said “your dad looks hot!” when I was cleaning the pool… she followed that with “is that heatstroke?” but still.

*Drinking at home is so much better than at a bar. The number one reason is there is no last call… and I can be naked.

*”Landlord” is a pretty exaggerated title.

*I’m still laughing about the time my mother said God told her to put my father in a home… because he was hearing voices in his head.

*I’m back in the crap at home. Guys, let me tell you if the little woman tells you she needs windshield wiper blades… she does not mean for Christmas!

*We’re only approaching world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

*Acting school technique: To appear blind look in the direction of the person you are talking to but never directly at them… and if they say “did you see that?” say “nope!”

*If vampires really like the taste of blood they should floss more.

*At some point male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like benny hill.

*The guy that invented the Chapstick died today… unfortunately they misplaced his body when transferring it to the morgue.

*I have no interest in skydiving… I get enough of an adrenaline rush just hoping my debit card goes thru.

*I need a hug… e bottle of wine!

*I know people who deal with the fact there’s a very fine line between “I should post that on Facebook” or “I should talk to my therapist about that.”

*Don’t you just hate those mornings when you get up and glance in the mirror and say “that can’t be right”.

*The refrigerator is a great example of the old saying… “What really matters is on the inside”.

*What does it mean to come home to love, compassion, tenderness, understanding and great sex… you’re in the wrong house.”

*If I got a $1 for every time my wife told me I was a lot like “rain man” I’d have $279 dollars.

*Is it ok if I abbreviate Oklahoma?

*Accidentally drank an Ensure this morning… now I’ve driven 8 miles with my blinker on, the waist of my pants is at my chest and WTF is e-mail?

*I’m sensitive to gluten, dairy, peanuts, I bruise easily and I can’t stay out in the sun for long… but otherwise I’m a total badass.

*A grandfather clock is just like a regular clock except it wears sandals… even though it has disgusting toenails.



If you’re buy or selling a home or property or you know someone who is please think of me.


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April 2nd 2016
That’s Life©1966 #614 (4-1-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Real April Fool


True Short Stuff


            Barbie turns 57… Speaking of short stuff, Mattel has bowed to public peer pressure and is coming out with short, bloated, tall and all kinds of new Barbies with seven skin tones, 22 eye colors and 24 hair styles. The 57 year old Barbie doll that every girl from 2 to 12 asks Santa for each year will now come with an overkill amount of choices. I can just see our Santa this year: “What do you want for Christmas this year little girl”? “A Barbie”. Santa: “White, brown, beige, dark brown, magenta…” Santa: You want her chunky, skinny, short or tall, blue eyes, green…?” Little girl: “Santa, I justs wanted a Barbie…”



       Hillary speaks… Not being a political animal I found this published report interesting. Seems like Hillary Clinton told a cheering crowd the “the endless flow of secret, unaccounted moneymust be stopped. Two weeks later the main super PAC backing her presidential bid for the Demos presidential nomination accepted a $1 million contribution that cannot be traced…Duh.



            Don’t you just love Adidas? Can you say hypocrisy? The multi zillion dollar sportswear company has offered to eliminate Native American mascots from high school across the country… even though no one has really demanded it be done. When I was in Oklahoma last year I kept asking around how they real actual American Indians felt about high school mascots… it was unanimous; the whole thing for the most part was a non-issue. I couldn’t find one Cherokee or any other Native American who cared… So Adidas in their own caring way will pay for any school that wants to make a change away from our actual proud native American heritage to something better… like the Vacaville Vacuum Cleaners or some other harmless name. This great company is worried about political correctness. Oh, wait a minute. Adidas has no problem with the biggest selling sports jersey ever, the Chicago Blackhawks hockey jersey, or Cleveland Indians or Atlanta Braves or Golden State Warriors, etc. Your governor signed into law a prohibition against Ca. schools using the name Redskins”. Way to protect the First Amendment and give taxpayers a choice Jerry.

The Washington Redskins finally drops offensive name: Reportedly Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping “Washington” from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins.” It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.


Quote of the dayA Liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It’s called “Prison.”  Sheriff Joe Arpaio Maricopa County, Arizona


The Irish angler… When the Ketts from Dixon were recently in Ireland the rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. John Kett stopped and asked, “What are you doing?” “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, John says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.” In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the John couldn’t resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?” “You’re the eighth” says the old man.                           …An Irish blessing… May those who love us love us, and those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn’t turn their hearts may He turn their ankles so we will know them by their limping.



 The Rejected Tax Return”The IRS rejected a Dixon man’s tax return after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” The man wrote: “7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves politicians.” The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man’s response back to the IRS was…. “Who did I leave out?”



  Make Cell Phones $500 a month… Certainly I can’t be the only one fed up with the abuse and misuse of cell phones. From the addicted school kid to grandma in Wal-Mart yelling into her phone about personal stuff, it is all just so ridiculous don’t you think? How can you curb it or stop it? You can’t and won’t as long as there’s a buck to be made. You see little kids being baby sat by them, every driver talking or texting (when many barely have the skills needed to negotiate today’s hazardous highways) talking, talking, talking… texting, texting, texting… addicted, addicted, addicted… it is a real and serious problem that everyone seem to be taking as a current fact of life. In restaurants, in public restrooms, cars, buses, planes, subways, highways, byways and skyways people loudly discussing personal business and doing business, in public, over their phones (a hacker’s delight by the way). When we were in Australia a few years back a couple of lovely young ladies were outside a business place speaking discreetly on their phones. I forget why we asked them about it but we’ll never forget their answer… She said, “It’s considered bad manners to use your phone where others have to overhear your conservation. We believe private conservations are meant to be private…” Don’t know if it’s still that way there but what a great social set of manners we should somehow find a way to adopt.


More Things For Thought



*Humpty-dumpty had a great fall… but his summer was just ok.

*I wouldn’t know a healthy relationship if it handcuffed me to a chair and forbid me to leave the motel room.

*I suffer from premature procrastination… I think up reasons not to do things even before being given things to do.

*I don’t expect everything to be handed to me… just set it down wherever.

*If I were a vampire I’d go after old people because they’re slow… and they probably taste like beef jerky (and that stuff’s delicious).

*The only thing a ‘strong password’ is going to do is lock me out of my own computer… 1234 it is!

*Whenever I find myself getting annoyed at the homeless begging for money… I remember that I don’t like paying for my own drinks either. 

*I was in the check-out line at Safeway tonight behind an elegantly dressed woman in a black sheath and dripping in jewelry buying tequila and a can of motor oil… love to know that story.

*Forest Whitaker’s left eye has more self-control than I do.

*I would suppose that the only thing worse than getting your period is not getting your period.

*The wife asked what I thought of her new outfit and I mistakenly used the word “slimming”… how I explain my plight to the other homeless people.

*Our new shower head has two settings… ‘Gentle rain’ and ‘needles of death’.

*I’m in a good place right now.  Not emotionally… I’m at the liquor store.

*Did you know that “forever” just really means “until I don’t feel like it anymore”?

*Today is Thursday… or as I like to call it “day four of the hostage situation”.

*That awkward moment when you realize that “the sound of nature” is the sound of millions of animals, birds and insects desperately trying to get laid.

*Common sense is a flower that just doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

*If alcohol kills germs and laughter is the best medicine then I must be the healthiest person on the planet.

*I failed my geology final. I was asked to name the three types of rock… apparently classic, punk and hard were the wrong choices.

*There are an unbelievable amount of just outright scams on the internet … send me $19.95 and I’ll tell you about them.

*NASA’s entire exploratory mission to Pluto costs less than Minnesota’s new stadium… and Pluto is home to as many super bowl championships as the Vikings.

*I don’t watch soccer… if I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score I go to a bar.

*Remember when all bombs looked like a big, black bowling ball with a fuse in the top… times were much simpler then.

*If you nap a lot you significantly increase your chances of dying peacefully in your sleep.

*Wait. What? You need two people for sex? …. what does the other one do?

*My Saturday was going pretty well… until I realized it was Sunday.

*I got pulled over by a female cop.  When I rolled my window down and asked what was wrong… she said, “Nothing.”

*An easy way to make a salad taste better is to add nuts, or fruit… or an entire burrito.

*Today I’m wearing a tee-shirt that says “life” on the front… and handing out lemons on the street corner.

*You let your son take ballet lessons?  Aren’t you afraid he’ll grow up to be… fit, and healthy and surrounded by women?



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March 25th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #613 (3-25-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

2016easter 2016easter1


Better Watch Your Rural Butt

            As if rural roads are dangerous enough, nut growers are now planting their new orchards right up to the corner of county intersections (instead of allowing a little visual set back). I’ve mentioned this to Solano County Supervisors John Vasquez and Skip Thompson, who both kinda said, ‘Yeah, I can see where that might be a problem…” That’s it, that was their input…


            The photo is of one of the two cars in a bad accident last week at the intersection of Midway and Robben Roads that made a call for three ambulances necessary. Over the years there have been numerous accidents at that particular intersection plus many fatalities when you add up the ones there and the Pedrick intersection, the next road to the west. Why people keep running stop signs and killing and injuring themselves and innocent people is a mystery. With both of our sons and their families having to travel that roadway daily it is a constant concern to us as well as many others. We’ve taught them since day one behind the wheel to assume the speeding vehicle coming to the crossroad at Midway WILL run the stop sign.

The point is; there were already enough accidents where the vision was clear and now with the tree glut going on it can only become increasingly more dangerous… So just figure cars coming from either direction will probably run the stop signs and when they don’t you can be both pleasantly surprised and stay alive and unmaimed.


Real Life Vampires Are Out Now!


            After being stuck in the house 24/7 for the past two weeks or so with the damned coughing virus someone shared with us, the doctor finally said I could go out. So I joined our son and a neighbor to do a little carp bow fishing (we gave over 100 pounds of fish to families that knew how to fix them). While we were there, in waist high grasses, one of our group noticed several ticks on himself and our son picked off a few on himself. I had a long sleeve shirt and my pants long over hunting boots and just as I said I didn’t have any on me my son reached over and pick a trophy one off my neck. He said it had just migrated there from my beard and I felt nothing. You usually don’t feel them or their bite.

Long story short… they both had many on their clothes and some on their bodies. We only found one on me and I put our clothes directly in the washing machine on my return home. Most appeared to be the larger wood ticks but in cattle country you can pick up all kinds of ticks and vermin that exist throughout our geographic location.

Several years ago I did a story on spring ticks with an expert from the entomology department from UCD. He explained this time of the year they come out from their ground wintering areas, climb to the highest weed they can find and wait for anything warm blooded to pass by. They then latch on, seek a place to feed (suck blood) and gorge themselves until they fall off and start their reproductive process all over again. He said the ticks at our elevation (the foothills are a different story) probably aren’t the deer ticks that carry Lyme disease but… they could be, and they could make you VERY sick.

*The question was: “What do you do if you find a tick on you or if it’s already burrowed into your skin”? The answer was simple… pull it off/out. Get a grip with tweezers (or whatever you have) as close to the head as possible and pull it out. Don’t use salves, gas, Vaseline, cigarettes or any other wives tale removal techniques… Just pull the blood sucking things out and crush them (very hard to do) or put them in alcohol…end of story.

If you, your kids, or pets are going to be in the taller grases in the rural area check them regularly for the vermin that can be from the size of a pin head to a magnum one that was on me which was this size . With this warm holiday weekend many folks will be out and about… just use common sense, use Deet, and check you and yours when returning from outdoor adventures.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: Lyme disease, also known as Lyme borreliosis, is an infectious disease caused by bacteria of the Borrelia type.[1] The most common sign of infection is an expanding area of redness, known as erythema migrans, that begins at the site of a tick bite about a week after it has occurred. The rash is typically neither itchy nor painful. Approximately 25-50% of infected people do not develop a rash. Other early symptoms may include feverheadache and feeling tired. If untreated, symptoms may include loss of the ability to move one or both sides of the facejoint painssevere headaches with neck stiffness, or heart palpitations, among others. Months to years later, repeated episodes of joint pain and swelling may occur. Occasionally, people develop shooting pains or tingling in their arms and legs. Despite appropriate treatment, about 10 to 20% of people develop joint pains, memory problems, and feel tired much of the time.[2]

Lyme disease is transmitted to humans by the bite of infected ticks of the Ixodes genus.*[3] Usually, the tick must be attached for 36 to 48 hours before the bacteria can spread.[4] In North America, Borrelia burgdorferi sensu stricto and Borrelia mayonii are the cause.[1][5]  The disease does not appear to be transmissible between people, by other animals, or through food.[4] Diagnosis is based upon a combination of symptoms, history of tick exposure, and possibly testing for specific antibodies in the blood.[6][7] Blood tests are often negative in the early stages of the disease.[1] Testing of individual ticks is not typically useful.[8]


In Response To Last Weeks Column

            In response to last week’s column about calling and checking in on old timers, senior citizens or just folks living alone while they are still alive… Lucy Vassar, who’s in her 90’s called to thank me about what I wrote but mentioned… “How?” My response was cryptic as usual asking back “How what?” She said none of their phone books have people’s phone numbers in them they’re just yellow pages. And she asked if they just have a cell phone how do you find their number? Good points both. I had another call about the piece and they said they had to call 411 (information) to get my number… anyone have an answer to this conundrum?


More Things For Thought2013 badge 7 - Copy

*I have never understood why people say hurtful things… like “wanna go for a run?” or “here, try this kale.”

*We turned the wedding China into a divorce mosaic.

*I have come to the conclusion you can’t slap stupid people… because their head is protected by their butt cheeks.

*Much easier than running from your responsibilities is just ignoring their existence.

*If everything happens for a reason… explain scrapbooking.

*For god’s sake, don’t blame the holidays… you were fat in August.

*I’m sorry, dear, but unlike you I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn… I’m more like a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

*General Lee didn’t have kids… a parent lee not. (Moan).

*A woman without curves is like a road without bends… you might get where you’re going quicker but the ride is boring as hell.

*I wonder how many people would eat rabbit stew if it were called bunny-rabbit stew.

*How the hell wizards never set fire to themselves I’ll never understand… trying to make potions and such with those huge, dangly sleeves.

*And all of a sudden those dingbat neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year look like geniuses.

*”If you don’t let the Jews go I will find you and kill you.”… Liam Nesson returns in “Taken 4: Schindler’s pissed”

*I tried yoga but it’s just not for me… my “downward dog” looked more like snoopy getting stuck in the dog door.

*The quickest way to find the lost needle?… set fire to the damn haystack!

*Most of my wives think I’m a Mormon!

*My boss sent me home today… apparently, “The later I get here the sooner this ends” isn’t the right answer to “why are you late?”

*Romance movies damage relationships because they deceive women into thinking those types of situations actually happen in real life… men are equally deceived by porn movies.

*I really don’t mind it when the voices in my head sing off key… I just wish they would all sing the same song.

*If I got paid by the number of idiots I had to deal with at work instead of by the hour I’d be retired by next week. 

*The spider in my shower this morning was probably thankful he got washed down the drain… after the view of me he got from that angle. 

*Nail polish is lipstick for deaf people.

*Singing in the shower is all fun and games ’till you get a big gulp of shampoo in your mouth… then it’s just a soap opera.

*In Tennessee two people are being sued for $2 million for burning down an apartment complex trying to cook a squirrel with a blow torch… I’m not an accountant but it sounds like they might not have $2 million!

*Keep your head high… and your middle finger higher!

*”Don’t let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!”… Who am I kidding? I hope it hits you and knocks you off the front porch.

*I think I’m that rare combination of keenly observant and completely clueless.

*It’s time for all of us to admit that the “endorphin rush” we supposedly feel after exercise is in actuality just an overwhelming sense of relief it’s over.

*How is Dorito not Spanish for door?

*Of course morning sex is better… you haven’t spent the whole day annoying the hell out of each other.



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March 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #612 (3-18-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

Norma Jean South 1932-2016

 2016Norma obit

            Another one gone… If you were involved in the veteran community you knew who she was. If you gave blood or helped the less fortunate you knew who she was… If not you may not have known her, Norma South, or many others like her now in her same age range group.

It is a mass passing of the backbone of this, and all other communities, happening now and for a little while longer. The WWII era group who spawned this newer nation came from a time when right was right and wrong was wrong. They worked hard to save our nation and then brought forth the next generation… now they are leaving us nationwide in astounding numbers.

            What are they taking with them? Courage, honor, respect and a work and religious ethic which has dissipated down to whatever it is we have today.

The point? If you know the Lucy Vassars, Heber Holbroooks, Bob and Mona Fletchers, etc. now would be a good time to pay them a visit, thank them for their contributions to our lives. Just showing up at their funerals is no great tribute and trust me; they won’t give a damn if you are there or not. But a visit, a card or a phone call just to say hello and check on them now would be meaningful.

We’re all on that final path. Some of us are just going to take longer to get there than others and no one knows why or when our number will be called. But we can all take a few minutes to think of ways to ease the journey of our many productive senior citizens who have paved the way for us.

I don’t usually visit dead people ceremonies unless I’ve seen them when they were alive but when I do, I see many people in attendance and I guarantee 90 per cent or better hadn’t seen, called or visited the deceased in a long while. You hear the conservation at the free food afterwards and no one talks about seeing them the recent past. You know… ‘It’s been years but…” B.S. You know of anyone whose funeral you may attend when they check out then make damn well sure you pay attention to them now when they can use your friendship, help and support. The sermon is over, amen… just remember your day is coming.


On the morning of Sunday, March 13, 2016 Norma Jean South passed away peacefully at home after a brief battle with cancer she was 83 years old. A celebration of her life will be held Monday, March 21 at 11:30AM at the American Legion Hall located at 1305 North First Street, Dixon, California. See photo and obit on page 3.



For Post St. Pats Day


A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; and in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.          Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.  They talked much about the rightness and wrongness of it.  It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. “T’would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay. “I’ll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.”


Local Stuff…


            You know people run for local office for various reasons, ego, supported by special interest, the backing of one political or community organization or another to further their agendas. In my case I ran for only one reason and that was to help the citizens of this community with LOCAL problems and try to make things better. I took nothing from no one and am beholding to no one other than the voters… This doesn’t set well with some folks but that’s their problem. I’m not one that’s running for office.

Now you have those that have run for office and lost, and those who used to be in office, and those that want to be in office, all Monday morning quarterbacking with all of the answers… I have news for them… B.S. only takes you so far… the public is smarter than you think… They didn’t elect you!

In my year and one half on the council this time around I’ve concentrated on things like getting North First Street Paved, the high school traffic total impaction, getting us a new post office, getting that damned overpass built, solar traffic safety signs by all schools to show cars actual speed (and hopefully slow the idiots down), trying to make all groups asking the city for taxpayer’s monies to provide an audit of their organization and a P&L before we dole out dollars because they are friends of someone.

How about the city dedicating city property site for the proposed museum for the Dixon Historical Society to place the historic home they are being given? I’ve also hounded the city to keep on Cal Trans to fix State Highway 113 from here to Highway 12 and to get them to put up a lighted crosswalk at the fairgrounds before someone is killed.

I also keep rattling the chains about the two 50 car trains proposed to come through Dixon on a daily basis filled with toxic, highly explosive crude oil on their way to Benicia’s Valero refinery. So far all I received from fellow elected officials is “Do you know what Valero means to Solano County?” To which I responded, “Who gives a flying F…? When and if ever a train derails and cook, kills and poisons a big chunk of our citizens you can tell them how much the oil money means to you. There have been two derailed trains nearby in our part of the state in the past month… chances of a derailment here… can’t happen huh?

And you don’t dare mention Recology is bringing in a zillion tons of San Francisco’s garbage to our dump site just a few miles south of town…Further ruining our roadways and infecting our air and water… I guess that’s good for US too huh? The city has a sweetheart agreement with the company that says they can’t be moved out or forced to do/or not do anything… Nice huh?

How about the cable company? They have an exclusive franchise agreement with the city but no one has seen it in years and doesn’t even know when it’s up. It used to say they couldn’t raise rates without city approval and had to have an office here… who knows what it says now or when it should be reviewed? I’m saying now.

Can I get any or all of this stuff (plus others) done? Who knows, but at least I’m trying and I’ll leave the country, state and federal junk to those who think they can make a local difference at that level. I’m concerned with the little battles and not necessarily the big unwinnable wars. Win a few here and there and the public benefits. Who else do you have fighting for you and watching your political backs?


More Things For Thought…


 *I hate it when people reply with only “K”… well potassium to you too, butthead!

*Facebook weather forecast: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bulls*** blowing in from all directions.

*What black and never works… decaffeinated coffee, you racist jerk!

*Wal-Mart is closing 296 stores throughout the country in 2016… This will put approximately 17 cashiers out of work.

*What do you give the girl who has everything… penicillin?

*My new diet plan: I’m making cupcakes for all my friends and family… the fatter they get the thinner I look.

*Can you imagine if the internet and cable TV just suddenly shut down… and you see all those confused people coming out of their homes and squinting in the sun!

*If a red haired man works in a bakery… is he a ginger bread man?

*Better ‘copulate’ than ‘copunever’.

*I’ve found that people have stopped asking me stupid questions… since I started answering them with interpretive dance.

*Fun fact: Humans are deuterostomes, which means that when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening… some people seemingly fail to develop beyond this point.

*When a woman says “guess what?” It’s like trying to decide whether to cut the red, green or black wire to defuse a bomb.

*I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures… it’s my damn face.

*Dog the Bounty Hunter’s biggest weakness is getting distracted when someone throws a tennis ball.

*There appears to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging from the rear-view mirror and how crappy a driver you are.

*Stop struggling! They play this music in the elevator because we’re supposed to slow dance, lady!

*If I was a plastic surgeon I’d put a squeaky toy in with breast implants… as a fun surprise.

*Remember those impossible math word problems… if you have 4 apples and I have 7 pencils how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple. Because aliens don’t wear hats.

*Beer will be waiting for you after work… even if no one else cares about you.

*When someone says “I haven’t seen you, like, forever”, a fun response is… “I know, we’re really not that good of friends.”

*The world is not filled with idiots… but they appear to be strategically placed so you come across at least one a day.

*Apparently a “DNA-at-home test kit” does not make a good baby shower gift.

*Have you heard that having too much sex causes memory loss? I read it on page 54 of a medical journal on December 12, 2002, at my doctor’s office when I was sitting next to a guy in a blue shirt waiting for a prostate exam.

*Beer without alcohol is like porn on the radio.

*The only thing more shocking than finding water on Planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

*When I find a self-help book at a second-hand store I always wonder… did it work or is it B.S.?

*People are worried about global warming and social security……the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

*A dog is capable of learning 250 words and gestures and count to five, equivalent to a three-year old human… a cat, on the other hand, doesn’t give a damn and is tired of your crap, equivalent to a 37-year old human.

*If the US will admit that Trump’s campaign is a hoax Australia has promised to come clean on the platypus.

*I’m homophobic, but in the same way I’m arachnophobic.  I have nothing against gays or spiders… but I would scream if I saw one in my bathtub.  



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March 11th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #611 (3-11-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 




Off To A Stormy Start


We missed the first “Citizen of the Year” diner since it began decades ago to attend the wedding of Dixon city manager Jim Lindley which was supposed to held in a patio area of a restaurant in Sacramento. Remember last Saturday night…50 MPH winds blinding rain and the worst stormy night we’ve had in quite a while.

So not detoured, Jim and Paula, became Mr. and Mrs. Lindley in the kitchen of the restaurant with dozens of family member from both sides in attendance.

I took this photo or this couple truly happy in love. They both had been married before and had their adult children there for the special event.


Be very careful when you go out on the street. Yesterday at around 8:30pm a bastard who was wearing a black sweatshirt pulled out a pair of scissors on me. Luckily I had enough agility and I pulled out a rock because if I would have pulled out paper he would have won.


From The Email bag…

Ted: I just found out, by checking the CA Secretary of States website, that I, as a registered “Non Partisan Party (NPP)” voter will not be able to vote for a Republican candidate since the Republican Party did not notify the Secretary of State that they will allow “no party preference voters to vote in their presidential primary election.” If that’s the case my choice will be to either re-register Republican so I can vote republican or vote for Bernie Sanders or Hillary since the Democrat party will allow “no party preference voting.” There may be a lot of NPP, INT, LIB that may want to vote Republican but cannot. Please alert them. If anyone wants to re-register in order to vote Republican in California at the June 7, 2016 primary they must submit their re-registration form by May 23, 2016Here is the link to the CA Secretary of State website. http://www.sos.ca.gov/…/political…/no-party-preference/

This is true according to Greg Coppes who is running for state senate but it only pertains to the presidential election and things are currently in the mill to change it.


 I received this from a friend of mine. He really could use your help.


The ad reads: This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home. She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.


Check Auto Correct


Hi George: This is Bob next door. I’m sorry, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again.

Regards, Bob

George, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately goes into his bedroom, grabs his gun, and without a word, shoots his wife, killing her instantly. He returns to the lounge where he pours himself a stiff drink and shakily sits down on the sofa. He takes out his phone to respond to the neighbour’s text when he notices he has another message:   Hi George, This is Bob next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, my predictive text changed ‘Wi-Fi’ to ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!  Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards Bob


Things You Oughta Know…


  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  • · Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  • · The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
  • · The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  • · Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  • · Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
  • · For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
  • · The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
  • Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! ·
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years. ·
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end. ·
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • · Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • · Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • · The song, Auld Lang Sine, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
  • · Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • · Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.
  • · The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • · Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • · The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • · Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  • · The University of Alaska spans four time zones. · The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  • · Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
  • · Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.  · A comet’s tail always point away from the sun.
  • · The S wine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  • · Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • · If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. .
  • · When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.


Things for Thought


*I’m so lazy and out of shape… I don’t even run from my problems.

*I put French vanilla cream in my French roast coffee… I’ve already spit on three Americans and surrendered to a bratwurst vendor.

*With over 7 billion people on the planet one person shouldn’t have the power to ruin your entire day.

*I’m bringing “slightly attractive” back into vogue.

*I think softly singing “true colors” as I tenderly stroke your cheek is romantic… but the woman I just met in this elevator disagrees.

*I haven’t even walked a mile in my own shoes.

*I dated a girl who was very sexually naive.  I asked her to do missionary… and she went to Africa for 10 months.

*Ever see a butt so big you wonder if they wipe with Bounty?

*Just one more gray hair and I’ll be allowed to power walk in the mall before it opens.

*The neighbor told me he married her 35 years ago for her long legs and big boobs… now she has long boobs and big legs.

*I wish I was as fat as I thought I was 10 years ago.

*I’m pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death. 

*I think the damn dog acts scared of the vacuum just so we don’t involve him in the housework.

*There are a couple of drug commercials that mention “urgent diarrhea” which implies there is also a non-urgent, more laid back form of diarrhea… which I’ve never experienced.

*Maybe Jehovah’s Witness’s keep knock, knock, knocking ‘because they’re looking for Heavens Door.

*What’s a librarian’s favorite food?… SHUSHI!

*I think it’s a fair conclusion to say that women live longer than men… just so they can have the last word.

*Double-stuff Oreo’s should just be called Oreo’s… and regular Oreo’s should be labelled “diet Oreo’s”.

*Young guys think hooking up with an older woman is cool… because you leave in the morning with a juice box and some fruit roll-ups.

*I find it insulting when cashiers look at my money like its fake… if I knew how to counterfeit money I’d be doing wilder shit than going to McDonald’s.

*Never make fun of an ugly girl with a lisp… she’s probably thick and tyred of it.

*High-definition porn is so clear… you can actually see how disappointed their parent are.

*With the choices shaping up for presidential candidates I feel like the Simpson’s are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us.

*iTired… there’s a nap for that.

*People always ask “would you rather be right or happy/”… I find I’m the happiest when I’m right.

*Not too brag but I’ve found I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines in the city.

*If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter… none of this would be an issue.

*I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.

*My girlfriend and I broke up over religious differences… I was an agnostic and she was Satan.



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March 5th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #610 (3-4-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Please don’t forget me if you are planning to buy or sell a home, ranch or property… you need to use a Realtor and you need to use someone you can trust.

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

How Was Your Week, What Did You Do?


Starting last Tuesday it has been an interesting week. Tuesday was a city council meeting, Wednesday we closed a sale on a house in Dixon for the Walser family (what I do for a living) and I finished a newspaper column. Thursday was another city council meeting this time dealing with the medical marijuana issue and the general plan committee. (The support for medicinal help for the truly ill was underwhelming. The big talk and little action people on “Dixon 411” again were no shows when it counted. The meeting was stacked against any reasonable suggestion coming to light. So if you are sick or dying and your doctor prescribes medical marijuana you’ll have to tell him you’ll be a criminal if you have it brought to you in Dixon.)

Friday I spent hours playing basketball and football at Northwest Park with two 10 year olds that really tested my mettle. Saturday was a pheasant hunt at Hastings Island and the second trip out for our little bird dog Brittany pup Lady. Sunday Shane Nichols and I went to Clear Lake early to fish for crappies and caught about 50.


Monday we went pheasant hunting with Fred Vanderwold (another writer for this paper) and his pointing lab. Tuesday and Wednesday went hunting with Rick Bello and his wire haired pointer for the pup’s second and third hunt.




On Wednesday our eldest son joined us for a couple of hours and was bow hunting for pheasants and out of five shots harvested one. We used to do A LOT of bow hunting for pheasants years ago and one year took more with our bows than we did guns. Thursday (yesterday) Fred, Rick, Linda and I were at it again because the season in over on the 13th and the rain is here to stay.




On Monday it was the extra “Leap Day” and we celebrated the leap year “extra day” by hunting our seven month old pup with five of her relatives including her mother, brother and cousins. Six Brittany’s (all three colors, orange, liver and black) in one field all hunting together was interesting. Two other of her siblings were in an adjacent field… Pretty cool huh? None of them seemed to recognize each other but they all hunted together doing their own thing like it was an everyday occurrence.


The other cool thing that came across my email was a news release by Ca. Fish and Game showing the “upland bird stamp for 2016-17. And wouldn’t you know it will be of a Brittany painted by a California woman… First time in years a California person’s art work was chosen for the stamp… At least I took all of these photos since I can’t draw or paint.

More Things For Thought



*Sargasm: When the urge to make a sarcastic remark is so intense all you can do is roll your eyes and moan.

*I like to make only attainable New Year’s resolutions… So this year I resolve to not become the pope or be a cannibal.

*If there’s one thing being a parent has taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s some huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

*I hope the mysterious food thief in the break room at work enjoys the dog food sandwiches and Jell-O containing my toenail clippings I made for him or her.

*I fell off a 50-foot ladder once and survived… of course I fell off the bottom rung.

*The wife was hopeful I would shower her with compliments… so the next morning I woke her up with the garden hose while shouting she was beautiful.  She was pissed.

*I told my new girlfriend my mother was deaf so to speak slowly and loud… then I told my mother my girlfriend was somewhat retarded.

*One of my cute little Hispanic customers came in all tearful ‘cuz her long-time beau broke up with her.  She told me he said that “she had issues”… and then added, “But we don’t even wear the same size”.

*A news survey reported that there were “a record number of marijuana seizures in 2015″……..odd.  After all these decades I’ve never had one.

*Whenever I say “have a nice day” keep in mind that the “dips***” is silent.

*My wife says I’m insensitive and never get her Christmas presents… I bet she’ll be surprised this year when she opens her miss piggy sweat suit!

*Tobacco, weed, beer and whiskey are all made from plants… oh migawd! I might be a vegetarian!

*I blame our unhappy relationship on my girlfriend mostly because of her poor choice in men.

*Damn! I cut my nails too short and I can’t peel the foil off of the chocolate balls.

*I’m more scared of skrewing up my wife’s laundry than I am of dying.

*Before cameras people would have to say “cheeeeeeese” for hours while they had their portrait painted.

*Fruitcake is a lot like marriage.  It takes two things that are great on their own and joins them together… into something that sucks.

*The beauty of meditation is that it helps instill inner peace into an individual… making it easier to pick their pockets.

*Rather than take the time and effort to wash our windows the wife and I just tell everyone they’re frosted.

*You consider yourself a non-violent individual until the birds start raising hell at 5am… then you find yourself researching surface-to-air missiles.

*I once told one of the boys he needed to be nicer to me, he’d never have another dad… he said “don’t be so sure.  Mom’s really pretty”.

*If you think your destiny is to change the world do it before you get married… ‘Because after you won’t even get to change the TV channel.

*Four of the worst feelings ever:  The death of a loved one, a romantic break up, being fired from your job, having to pee when stuck in traffic.

*After years of failure the scientist that had been trying to develop fake urine almost went mad after he consumed his first miller lite.

*Nursing: A rewarding career that allows you to shove inanimate objects up someone else’s most private orifices.

*So the judge says to me, “you’ve been brought here for drinking”… so I says, “great!  Let’s get started!”

*A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five beers, please.”

*I really hate it when the woman insists on turning out the lights during sex… it makes it so hard to see through the windows.

*Ever wonder why it’s so hard to tell a blonde a knock-knock joke…they keep wandering off to answer the door.

*The beauty section at Wal-Mart should just consist of paper bags and dimmer switches.




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February 26th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #609 (2-26-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com


Misc. Stuff…


  1. Did you know that in 1914 about this time Henry Ford announced he was going to pay his workers $5 for an eight hour day as opposed to $2.34 for a nine hour day… what a guy.

2.  There are a lot of men my age and younger that use the word “huh” a lot more than they want. The solution? Hearing aids of course… but its buyer beware. If you are a vet they are probably covered under your GI medical plan. If you are just a regular older person you will be bombarded with mail, phone calls and other obnoxious ways of trying to sell you a better quality of life. These are making a fortune off of us…so buyer beware.

In my search for help I made the mistake at one time to fall for one of the mail flyers from a place I though sold hamburgers. They still send stuff weekly along with phone calls even though I told them I found them to be unworthy of business from me or anyone I know and to F.O…

So what do you do? Have whatever medical plan you have give you a hearing test and then talk to someone who wears them. Find out where they got theirs and what they paid, how the after sale service is, and how they like their devices after having had them for a while.



As for me I ended up using Kaiser Vacaville hearing aid center. (Mine are digital, high tech, comfortable, and lightweight and most people don’t even know I’m wearing them…and they aren’t cheap. Your health insurance or even Medicare might cover the cost or the examination. I earned mine by shooting for years with no ear protection…duh.) The service has been great, Kaiser is close, and they have reliable follow up service even after more than a year and they have been good about tweaking them as needed. You don’t have to be a Kaiser member to use this service… you can call them at 707-624-2703. You won’t get screwed and you family and friends will appreciate not having to yell or repeated things and your effort to hear and understand once again.




  1. Dixon May Fair Grounds. The fairgrounds are state property and the fair is a Ca. State Fair inside the city limits. The road in front (St. Rt.113) is a state highway…so? I asked the city council Tuesday to ask Cal Trans, the State Fairs whoever, and whatever other state folks to put a lighted crosswalk going from the fair to the parking lot. You know like the ones for schools with flashing lights either in the pavement or on signs that can’t be missed… and the crosswalk lit at night so people can be seen. It’s only because we have a hard headed local guy, Dr. Peter Timm, that there wasn’t a fatality recently. Peter was crossing the street in the crosswalk, late at night after a crab feed, slightly behind a group of friends because of his broken leg. He was wearing dark clothes and was hit by a pickup truck, thrown up on the hood and broke the windshield with his head. He suffered a shoulder injury, some rib injury but his broken leg wasn’t broken any worse… but he was hurting. The tough old bird refused to go to the hospital and went to work the next day helping sick and injured animals. He told me, ‘Once again the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated” or something to that effect. He has been rumored dead a couple of times… This time he once again tempted fate and won… no thanks to the dangerous street crossing. There are almost weekly events year around at the fairgrounds and thousands of people must challenge the state highway to get where they are going and back… The state certainly has an obligation to fix this situation and we (the city) have asked for it to be done…because the city can’t do anything since its state property on a state highway… go figure.



  1. Your POTUS wants to take the terrorist from GITMO, 80 some, and move them to prisons in the continental U.S. because they are “recruiting” at the isolated base in Cuba… This makes as much sense as many of the other things this guy has pulled off under his “executive privilege”. He wants to move them to our prisons here so they can recruit more and better? Give me a frigging break… November can’t come too soon if we can keep him from making us all dead, or make us switch religions between now and then.



  1. Recently at the State of the City breakfast the Superintendent of Schools, Brian Dolan lamented on cell phone and their use by kids as a poison. I can’t agree more. This is probably the worst thing to have happened to humanity’s social interaction in my lifetime. Every grade school kid up to old grandmas at Wal-Mart are addicted and feel not only to they have to be constantly on them, but they are oblivious to spewing private conservations out to the general public… in the restroom, at dinner, in the car, or just walking down the street or shopping… good grief.

When they were first out and were expensive to own and operate, and they were used for business, they were a good thing. As soon as the price started lowering and the mainstream eased into their use the problems started. Then the big money guys lowered the price and addicted a whole generation to non-personal interaction and taught them to withdraw from society and talk, text, or email instead of talking, being and doing. How do/can you reverse such a cancer to our society… you can’t. Try to take a phone from a tween, teen, or gabby adult and… well, good luck. The disease is firmly rooted in our own family… and I see no solution.


More Things For Thought2015Xmas7

*Men look at a woman’s butt and think “wow! What an ass!”… Women look at a man and think the same thing.

*What’s the difference between Niagara and Viagra…? Niagara Falls?

*The neighbor just called and asked if I could turn the TV down… they’ve already heard this episode of NCIS before.

*Vegan pizza… is basically just the box.

*Someone called yesterday and said “Hi! Is this Ross? And I said “No, it’s Chandler” and they hung up… so much for trying to be friends.

*Passing gas is just the ghosts of the things we eat.

*Under Bush we had three Shrek movies.  Under Obama we’ve only had one… can we really trust a president who made destroying the Shrek franchise a priority?

*I just hate that awkward moment when you realize the priest is using your confession as the theme for his sermon… again.

*It’s really quite simple to predict the future:  for instance, if you’re smoking dope on the way to Home Depot, then you will be going back to Home Depot in a couple of hours.

*They probably named the Rocky Mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like, “oh”.

*I was born with a “lazy eye” and it just sorta spread.

*Want to send a 4 year old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong, and that you’re absolutely positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

*I try really hard to behave… but there are usually just too many other options.

*When someone extends an invitation to you, replying “I can try” is a brilliant response… heck, you’re not even committing to trying!

*I’ve got a magic dog… he’s a labracadabrador.

*If hearing “I love you” was really enough we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

*”Daddy, why does old people’s skin look so ‘see through’?”… “Oh, it’s just because they’re getting ready to be a ghost”.

*In my defense… I was left unsupervised.

*I’m curious about the guy who coined the phrase ‘I’m not getting any younger’…which led to someone coining the phrase “no shit, Sherlock!”

*I’m thinking it’s really not a good thing that the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

*If you’re ever stalked and attacked by a group of angry vegans don’t worry about it… they’re way too weak to hurt you.

*I must be getting old… my urine flow sounds like an old drippy water leak in an abandoned factory.

*Overheard at the airport… “Strip search?  Fine. But I’m going to need some music.”

*Studies show that people who preface a statement with “studies show” have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about.

*Have you noticed money never talks… it just goes without saying.

*Ever wonder if the people who design new kinds of toilet paper think “why do we even try?  People are just going to crap all over this new design!”

*I ate the whole box of slim-fast bars… now I’m really excited about how skinny I’m gonna be when I wake up tomorrow.

*What’s my stance on public intoxication… very wobbly, indeed!

*Nothing says “I have lots of free time” more than a person eating a pomegranate.



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February 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #608 (2-19-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 


Cable TV In Dixon a One-Way Street


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            Way back in the early 70’s when I was Editor of the Dixon Tribune, and on the Dixon City Council, the publisher/owner of the paper, Fred Dunnicliff said, “We need to get cable TV in Dixon, see what you can do about it”.

I had a slight idea what cable was but looked into it more and thought it would be a great idea for our citizens. So I started the ball rolling and before you know it Dixon had a franchise set up and cable TV! The operating company has changed hands a couple of times and consumer costs have skyrocketed… even though the city has a franchise agreement that used to say they must have a local office and couldn’t raise rates without the city’s approval.

Times and things have changed I guess and apparently the franchise agreement has been altered for whatever reason… which brings me to the point of today’s lecture. People are complaining about several things. The newest complaint would have old man Dunnicliff heading for the jug and he probably will be rolling over in his grave when he finds out. The Wave cable barons have just added two anti-American Al Jazeera America (and HD too) channels to our local viewing as well as adding two more Hispanic channels; Univision  Deportes HD and Galavision HD (this is a great thing for Mexican soccer fans).


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According to Wikipedia: “The Al Jazeera network is sometimes perceived to have mainly Islamist perspectives, promoting the Muslim Brotherhood, and having a pro-Sunni and an anti-Shia bias in its reporting of regional issues. However, Al Jazeera insists it covers all sides of a debate, it says it presents Israel’s view, Iran’s view and even aired videos released by Osama bin Laden.”

So now Wave cable subscribers, many paying way over $100 a month, are now helping to subsidize the radical Muslim world’s propaganda machine and dozens of Hispanic channels they don’t want. They don’t have a choice in paying for these extras their only option is to change providers… WTF?

I have no problem with people getting those channels if that’s what they want… the First Amendment and all that, but why should I/we have to pay for channels we didn’t ask for, don’t watch, and don’t want in our homes… Like full time selling channels and just plain crap channels spewing stuff 24/7. The current franchise agreement appears to be a one-way street which only benefits the cable company… How about revising it to benefit our citizens first and the zillionaire cable owners secondly… Or open the city up to whatever company wants to come and do business and let free enterprise reign supreme?

I’m going to ask the city and city attorney to check the existing franchise agreement with a fine tooth comb, see when it expires and make sure the company is acting within the bounds set for it. I know they changed it since I was involved with the first one, but who, how and why are good questions… It wasn’t changed for the consumer’s good I can tell you that. We need to reverse or revise it if we can, or maybe change providers. Oh, and BTW, the “public service” channels they “give” us are poor quality in sound and picture and these is no “public access” channel like it was promised… what’s up with that?


Hilary Was In Dixon; True Story


Hilary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in rural Dixon last week on her way back from campaigning in Reno and headed towards San Francisco. It was towards evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She said that he should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, but she said, “You killed it, so if they have to have money, it will come out of your pocket!”



She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. “What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters offered to make passionate love to me… I had just stepped inside the door and said, “I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I’ve just killed the old cow.’  The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it!”




More Things For Thought


*I organized a threesome last night… there were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

*This woman I met last week said she wants a guy who’s funny and spontaneous… yet when I tapped on her kitchen window uninvited  late at night dressed as a clown she’s all in a panic and screaming.

*Oh yeah, you’re “street smart”…. Sesame Street smart.

*Drunken people, children and leggings always tell the truth.

*If at first you don’t succeed, try drinking a beer while you try again…you’ll be amazed at how much less you care.

*I might get up and go jogging tomorrow and I also might win the lottery… the odds are about the same.

*This is by far your most screwed up idea ever… I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

*If you have an opinion about my life please raise your hand… and put it over your mouth.

*There should be one more line added to the wedding vows of a bride… “Anything you say can and will be used against you in an argument 10 months from now, because I’m a woman.  And we never forget.  Anything.  Ever.

*Went to see a psychic without an appointment… and he wasn’t expecting me?

*The high levels of E.coli in the city water supply just means I’m only a glass or two away from my goal weight.

*I can’t take much more of this “Fifty Shades of Grey” promo nonsense.  It is, after all, just a variation of your basic Cinderella story… with a ball gag.

*”Ladies first”… it’s just a nice way of saying “let me look at your butt while you walk in front of me.”

*Drinking promotes freedom of speech… call me tonight and I’ll tell you what I really think of you.

*A woman’s anger is a lot like the “check engine” light in your car…….nobody knows why it comes on.  So you ignore it hoping it will just go away.

*Every time you feel yourself getting pulled into other people’s nonsense repeat these words… not my circus. Not my monkeys.

*Why put cookie dough in the oven… when you can put it in your mouth?

*It’s never too late to be what you want to be, unless you want to be younger… then you’re screwed.

*I’m officially resigning from adulthood.  Decisions will be made by the eenie-meenie-mini-moe method and arguments will be settled by me sticking out my tongue… if you need me I’ll be out at recess.

*When I die I want my remains to be scattered all over this quaint little town of Dixon… oh, and I don’t want to be cremated.

*When I was asked how I view gay and lesbian relationships… apparently “in high definition” wasn’t the right answer.

*It’s the very end of the football season, the last minute of the last game.  Score a touchdown and you’ll win the Super Bowl… “No thanks, I’ll pass.”

*I do not have a sex addiction… I simply suffer from “restless groin syndrome”.

*A small start-up church opened up on the corner with a sign “Jesus saves”… and of course Safeway across the street had a sign “Safeway saves you more”.

*I found in high school that asking a girl out was just so very unpredictable… I never knew how they were going to say “no”.

*The neighbor came over and apologized saying “I really wasn’t that drunk”… “Huh?  You were using the flashlight on your phone to find your phone!”

*Girls fall in love with what they hear.  Boys are attracted to what they see… that’s why girls wear make-up and boys lie.

*When wearing a baseball cap the wearer may position the brim at either 6 or 12 0’clock… all other angles are reserved for rappers or the handicapped.

*I just watched the French documentary “march of the penguins”… do penguins have knees?




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February 14th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #607 (2-12-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Scam Newton From “Cool” to Fool



So, Cam Newton with all of your pre game posturing and gesturing and macho bravado…and even shoveling the Broncos a starting touchdown… just to throw the odds makers off no doubt… You and your team logo black Panthers got your butts kicked by the team with the logo’d white Broncos… then you whined like a pouty child at the post-game interview and couldn’t even man up for a few questions from the press which had sung your pre-game praises… You turned tail and left the interview room in the middle of the conference to show what kind of pro you are. Notice how the press corps isn’t your friend anymore… after the fat lady’s sung?



The question is now… What are you going to do now Cam?  Cam: “I’m going to Miseryland”.

Last week I went opposite the Lost Wages folks and made the Broncos a 5 point spread to win… Based on on the fact two-thirds of the nation didn’t really care about either team and rallied behind the Broncos because of their aging quarterback. They also didn’t like the show off cocky crap Cam portrayed… It’s called crap-back Karma and a nation rooting for Cam to get his smirk removed watched with glee as that happened… The post-game interview of him was just plain embarrassing and should cost him many future endorsements… While Manning, always a class act, set a standard for the young show off to emulate…if he’s as smart as he thought he is/was.



We enjoyed the game. It would have been much better without the “Look at me I’m great” girly dances after every damned play holding up the game.

The multi-million dollar commercials we looked forward to… sucked.

 Trump’s Vision… God Bless America


Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei calls Trump and tells him, “Donald, stay out of office. Because last night I had wonderful dream. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”

“What did it say on the banners?” Trump asks. Ali replies, “United States of  Iran.”

Trump says, “You know, Ali, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.” “What did it say on the banners?” Ali asks and Trump replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.” (“God bless America” in Hebrew in the photo.)


Local  Guy Running For State Senate


           The Greg “`Coach” Coppes for state senate committee announced he now has the early endorsements of all five County Republican parties for our District 3 State Senate race. The election officers of each county’s committees are already starting to set up phone banks and precinct walking schedules.
Coppes, a long time Dixon resident, the former multi-year Commander of the Dixon American Legion Post 208, is a veteran and independent business owner. I served as his vice commander for several years and his no-nonsense persona would serve the public well in a room filled with professional political slaves. He is a known conservative who is using his “never run for, (city-county-state) or have never been an elected official” as his strong suit in today’s politics filled with professional officer holders. He is an outspoken proponent for veteran’s rights and the American values as stated in the constitution. You want someone to fight for you and who has common sense, good fiscal accountability and will do the right thing for the right reason, you’ll want to jump in and help him out. I guarantee he can’t be bullied and no one will twist his arm the wrong way.

His campaign is coming out early and aggressive early in the 2016 election. To help, contact him at the site and phone below.

Official Candidate for California State Senate

707 693 6501


Things You Oughta Know…


  • In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
    · Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
    · The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
    · The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
    · Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
    · Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.
    · Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
    · For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
    · The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

`Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
· Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
· Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
· If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
· Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
· Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
· The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
· Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
· Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.
· The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
· Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
· The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
· Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
· The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
· The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

  • In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
    · Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
    · Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
    · A comet’s tail always point away from the sun.
    · The S wine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
    · Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
    · If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
    · When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

Love the quote at the end from Plato. (No that’s not Mickey’s buddy)


Free people are not equal.  Equal people are not free. (Think this one over and over…makes sense!)

“A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again.”

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:
1. America is capitalist and greedy – yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized – yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims – yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government – yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer – yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about – yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.   Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.  Funny how that works huh?  And here’s another one worth considering…
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money.  But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money !   What’s interesting is the first group “worked for” their money, but the second didn’t.  Think about it… and Last but not least :
3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.
  Am I the only one missing something?

“If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government,

then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools.” – Plato





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