August 28th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #583 (8-28-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

News Flash: Bruce Jenner arrested for male fraudand *If Caitlyn Jenner suddenly

went missing would they put his/her picture on a carton of half & half?

 

Drunk Trap In Dixon Tonight

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If you end your work week by having a few toddies at a local watering hole and then drive home, or drive anywhere, you might want to watch it tonight between 6pm this evening (Friday) and midnight. The same advice applies if you don’t have a current legal driver’s license or have outstanding warrants or are carrying an illegal weapon or drugs… Why you may ask?

The Solano County DUI task force is out to get you right here in Dixon, tonight, with a road block of sorts that will funnel you through a “checkpoint” where even law abiding folks can get antsy with the Gestapo kind of tactic… which sadly, is needed.

 

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In 2013 reportedly 867 people died in California from drunken driving accidents while 10,076 were killed nationwide that year. In Solano County 15 were killed and 235 were injured by “impaired drivers” while 1,339 people were arrested for suspicion of drunk driving. Add stoners, idiots texting or talking on cell phones, coke and crack heads, other drug abusers (legal and illegal), just plain nuts, those with mental problems, the insane pissed off folks with misplaced aggressions, just plain bad drivers behind the wheel of a speeding ton or two steel missile, and roads and highways are dangerous places to be.

The Labor Day holiday weekend chalks up its share of killers each year. So when the CHPman orders you to run the auto gauntlet do so with the reassuring thought the guy/gal behind you may be taken off the road because the dumbass decided to drive drunk or otherwise impaired… You know the scary thing is that with the dozens they catch in these things county wide, think of the hundreds they don’t… More power to them… catch ‘em and book ‘em Dano.

BTW… You know a DUI can cost you many thousands of dollars, can make your insurance rates sky rocket or canceled and the suspension of your CADL… if you have one. The moral of this lecture… It ain’t worth it. If you had enough to blow a .08 get someone else to drive. Don’t know how much that is? Ask the person serving you, they have a pretty good idea and a lot of people and bars have a drunk meter of sorts to help you out. Better to play it safe rather than kill or maim yourself, or even worse, take out or cripple an innocent family by your… “I only had a couple” lame excuse.

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Am I saying I’ve NEVER even had one drink and driven? Yes, that’s what I am saying! And there’s an obvious reason for it. But we all know anyone who drinks has driven one time or the other after having “just a drink or two”.

 

 

Dove Season Starts Tuesday

 

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Don’t freak out and call the police if you hear what sounds like gunshots popping just outside the city limits, staring just before sunrise on Tuesday or if it breaks out late in the afternoon for the next week or two… It’s the starting of California’s dove hunting season.

Why would anyone shoot these dainty, fast, little birds of peace? Because they are good to eat and you can’t buy them at the store where someone else has killed them for you.

Interestingly enough fish and game for the first time has taken the limits and season off a game species (like they should with wild pigs)… the large Eurasian dove is now prevalent throughout the state and this area. They bullied and out bred (and crossbred) the smaller native and peaceful mourning dove edging them towards a minority status in California… sound familiar?

This alien invasive species is the one you now see and hear. They can be about the size of a pigeon (see photo) and makes an obnoxious sound like someone strangling a coo coo clock. They are rapidly wiping out our pleasant cooing little doves we are all used to seeing and hearing. We like to shoot noting but the Eurasians when we can… and no, before you anti-hunting tree huggers get your panty hose in a knot; this isn’t a racist or terrorist statement. Their size, square tails and horrible noise give them away. All you need is a CAHL and bird stamp to hunt them.

Species

Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Mourning Dove and White-winged Dove Statewide Sep 1 – 15 & Nov 14 – Dec 28 15, up to 10 of which may be white-winged doves Triple the daily bag
Spotted Dove, and Ringed Turtle Dove

No limit

Eurasian Collared-dove All Year No limit

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More Things For Thought

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*And here we go… starting another week without me being either rich or famous.

*”I ran a half-marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

*If you ever get attacked by a shark don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

*I hate it when I mean to buy some nice seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get… Oreos.

*Next to a beautiful girl, sleep is the most wonderful thing in the world.

*If you feel you need to lose some weight I recommend you get started by laughing your ass off (LMAO).

*You’ll sleep when you’re dead?  That’s adorable… well; I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, pass the cookies.

*I remember when I was six months old and was short, fat, bald, had no money and wasn’t good with words… yet most women over the age of 30 went crazy for me.

*Day 3 lost in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of a flock of birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation.

*When you have to utter the words “they were a band” the conversation is probably over… so is your youth.

*The worst part of being a nudist is trying to figure out where to wipe your fingers… after eating Cheetos.

*I prefer to describe my profession as a “contemporary anthropological interactive observer” ‘because it has certain flair… besides which “stalker” is just such an ugly word.

*I awakened this morning to find $1.73 under my pillow.  I seem to still have all my teeth… so I’m a little worried what I was paid for.

*Twenty-two counties in Alabama are refusing to issue gay marriage licenses… on the grounds that they believe in the traditional marriage of a man and his relative.

*Pretty soon the only place you’ll be able to buy a confederate flag is the black market… ohhhh, the irony!

*Life was so simple back before I got married… hell; I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

*Welcome to “inappropriate club”:  the first thing I’d like to say is “your boobs look amazing today”!

*While vacationing at the beach a 12-year old told his father he was going under the pier with a girl he’d just met and catch crabs… they grow up so fast.

*She had beautiful soft, black hair and big brown eyes.  We went for a walk.  I told her I loved her.  And now she’s gone… she took off after a squirrel. 

*Thank you for always acting surprised when I bring you breakfast in bed… like you slept through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 am.

*Why isn’t “bigfoot” called “bigfeet”?

*A couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to the door this morning and asked if I’d found Jesus.  I hollered at them “How is he missing?  It was your day to watch him!”… I don’t think they’ll be back.

*The most judgmental aquatic mammal is the “seal of approval”.

*I teasingly asked a girl at work if she was illiterate… she was offended she said because she knows exactly who her father is.

*I thought having a vasectomy would prevent her from getting pregnant… but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

*I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

*The wife tells me she smokes for religious reasons… each cigarette brings her a few minutes closer to Jesus.

*My father is Welsh and my mother is Hungarian… that means I’m well-hung… (Which reminds me of a family story: When our youngest son was in grade school his fourth grade teacher sent home work to do on meanings of words. He made the mistake of asking for my help with his homework. He said he needed to write down the difference between hanged and hung. I had him write down the following: “If you’re hanged you’re dead and if you’re hung you are probably very popular”. Funny thing is we never heard back from his teacher but I’m sure it made it to the teacher’s lounge. This one IS a true story.)

 

Finally, a good gun story    

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A guy walked into the crowded Buckhorn Bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, “I have a .45 Colt with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”… A voice from the back of the room called out, “You don’t have enough ammo!”

 

Sign Seen In Rural Dixon… Alright!

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August 26th 2015
Bids for Kids Meeting

Posted under That's Life Columns

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The “Bids for Kids Board” made the decision to not purchase animals during the 2015 Dixon May Fair and did not purchase animals during the 2015 Solano County Fair.

The current board instead revealed their plan to restructure and reorganize in order to be back in 2016 with more activities and a better presence in both the May Fair and Solano County Fair auctions. In order to accomplish this goal, the non-profit organization is looking to grow its membership and is inviting the community to a meeting, August 31st at 6:30 pm.

The meeting site will be at “It’s All about the Scrapbook” at 1670 North Lincoln Street, Suite H, Dixon.

 The group is concerned about all 4-H, Grange, FFA and Independent youth from throughout Solano County showing animals; get a fair price for their projects at the auctions at both fairs. The group is asking all past, current and future members to attend this re-organizational meeting to give input and voice their concerns, and if not yet a member… Help out and join Bids for Kids!
For more information, contact Belyn Lee at

bidsforkidsdixon@gmail.com or (707) 416-1236

 

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August 21st 2015
That’s Life©1966 #582 (8-21-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 regan

 

Oy, The Pressure…

So far I’ve resisted the pressure to become the 18th Republican candidate for the Presidential race in 2016. Now I’m coming under pressure to be The Donald’s running mate.

 

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They say we have a lot in common with the only exceptions being: I don’t agree with a few of his statements, I don’t have enough income to even cover his hairspray bill for a month and we live slightly different lifestyles. He has billions and the Trump Towers and we have hundreds (in a good month) and the Hickman Homestead worth about as much as he spends on jet fuel per trip… but aside from that, and the fact he’s taller, very white and prettier, we’re almost exactly alike, again, except for some minor opinion differences and I can’t pucker like him. Besides he hasn’t even called me yet or had his people contact my people (Linda).

The pressure is coming from a phone call from someone saying they were from the Solano County Republican Committee… Remember them? The group at the time, (there’s new folks now) that didn’t endorse me for the city council race (I didn’t ask for one) instead endorsed two other local candidates. Then when I won they claimed they I had won because they endorsed me… WTF? (For the publisher-what’s that for?)

The last time I was involved with the SCRCC as when the honorable John Dawson from Dixon was its chair and I served on the committee helping him out with the PR… Anyway they think because of my relationship with the current POTUS (see photo) I’d be a shoe-in to run with Donald in the VP position… and to tell you the truth I’m giving it all of the due consideration it is worth.

 

Great Final Words

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Ernest Kimme, 60, of Vacaville, I guy a knew a little, and met with a couple of times over the years, is gone as of August 12th. He was an educator for 25 years teaching 7th grade math, served two elected terms, eight years, on the Vacaville City Council, a community activist, and was on the editorial board and was a columnist for the Vacaville Reporter. He and his wife had no children but they touched the lives of thousands,

He died of cancer at home recently surrounded by family and wrote a couple of columns that are great. The one from the Vacaville Reporter this past Tuesday, August 18, started with: “I have had such a lucky life. I know, it has not been a long life, and for that, many would have regrets. But not for me. No regrets, and actually, at this point no feelings or thoughts, either-I’m dead.”

He ended this column with: “Finally if I have learned anything, it is that the small gestures often make the biggest impression. Many years ago, a student, on leaving the classroom, looked back at me and said, ‘Mrs. Kimme, you make my brain sweat.’ I will take that compliment to my grave-in fact, I am. Go home and be nice to each other. Blessings.”

My only lingering thought is this intelligent, gentle, professional man, who gave so much, died way too early while millions of non-productive leaches continue on with worthless non-productive lives that we support and enable… Go figure. Ernest you will be missed… please don’t respond.

 

  Football

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Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word “Washington” from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as “The Redskins”.

It was reported that he finds the word ‘Washington’ imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.

 

Dixon Deflation… True Story

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Everyone seems to be aware how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else.  Well, we had this ex- Texan living here in Dixon a while back.  He was a huge guy, had to duck under almost all the doorways and often times had to go thru the door sideways.  He was always blustering on about how things were always so much bigger back home and bored everybody out of their minds with his bragging and bullshit.

Anyway, one day he died and ended up in our local mortuary where a good friend of mine worked.  Charlie was telling me about the hard time they were having finding a coffin big enough to stuff his big butt in so he could be planted.  They looked everywhere, called everyone, but there was nothing that even came close to his size, and it would take too much time to have one specially made, not to mention the additional expense.

“So what did you do?’ I asked.  “Oh” said Charlie, “After we thought it out it was pretty simple, really.  We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.”

 

 

Dear Boss

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I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

 Every Senator or Congressman running for the U.S.A. Presidency.

 

More Things For Thought2016g

 

*I just don’t get vests… is it winter on your torso and summer on your arms?

*My personality is this weird combination of not being satisfied with myself… while simultaneously thinking I’m better than most people.

*Women are programmed from birth to know that if they argue with their man naked they will win… every single time.

*Due to the rising temperatures this time of year we were forced to post a sign at the pharmacy informing customers we will not accept any “boob” or “sock” money… it’s just gross.

*If you like having sex with music in the background always choose an album that was recorded live… that way you’ll get applause every 4 or 5 minutes.

*If you plug in a USB cord correctly on the first try you should be excused from work for ninety days.

*If I live to approach 100 years old and people ask me the secret to longevity I’m going to make up some crap like “I ate a pine cone every day”… just to mess with them.

*It’s okay to mix peas and corn… just don’t call it “porn”.

*Two blondes fall in a hole.  One says “It’s dark in here isn’t it… the other replied, “I don’t know.  I can’t see!”

*Barbie isn’t responsible for a little girl having a poor self-image… what Barbie does do is teach that you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

*If you have a horse and didn’t name it Edgar Alan pony we can’t be friends.

*Don’t ask me for childcare advice if you don’t want pearls of wisdom like “Always punch holes in the box so they can breathe”.

*If she’s honest, funny, laid back, can hold her liquor, has a dirty mind and an even dirtier mouth, loves pizza and lets you touch her butt… marry her, yesterday.

*I’ve discovered the secret to inner peace and outer happiness… ridiculous amounts of alcohol.

*Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breast-feeding, hot flashes, etc.; men have to deal with women… tie.

*Help control the population… has the Duggars spayed and neutered. (The ones with 19 kids).

*If the children starving in the world are God’s children… does that make God a deadbeat dad?

*”For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse… till I can’t take your crap any longer, I do

*I don’t mean to brag but pretty much all the kids in my fourth grade class wanted me to have “a really cool summer”.

*Sometimes we expect too much from people… because we forget how unbelievably stupid they are.

*When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes… she’s talking about vacuuming.

*What idiot called them “dog tags” instead of “collar i.d.”?

*If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for real life they’d offer a class called “Working with fools”.

*Today I am going to give it my some.

*Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors… because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

*Thought I’d never need math again after high school……..then Joan gave me twice as many apples as Steve and mike combined.

*Did you ever think that you should really thank your dad for bringing you into the world… since your mom was probably tired and not in the mood.

*If you’re having dinner in a family-style restaurant and someone asks you to pass the mashed potatoes… apparently a bounce pass is not appropriate.

*Seems to me you could save a lot of time and production costs if you just hooked up “the bachelor” with “the bachelorette”.

*Having the ability to laugh at your mistakes may lengthen your life… laughing at your wife’s mistakes will shorten it.

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Our Australian readers and friends will get it!

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August 15th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #581 (8-14-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*The point of golf is to play the least amount of golf possible.

 

With Freedom Comes Responsibility

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            Those dozen or so of you weekly readers know I’m a staunch supporter of the constitution especially the first and second amendments. I have, and will fight against censorship or trying to control or manipulate the freedom of the press.

For the past 580- consecutive weeks (that’s 11.15 years) I have written a new column each week, sometimes with controversial statements…all written with my name attached. What I can’t abide by is the person who writes anything without the courage of their convictions to attach their name… or who are so weak they can’t defend their positions. That goes for this newspaper too. Under the freedom of speech is the right to say anything you want…under being responsible for your statements is to have the courage to claim your words as your own or even quote someone else…

I find this paper’s policy of picking and choosing who has to sign their “letters” and who doesn’t not only violates not on my own code of ethics but only add fuel to the fire lit by its detractors…The poison pen letter writer last week flat out lied for their own purpose so let’s make a coupled of documentable things clear.

  1. As a city councilman I did not order anyone to do anything, nor have I ever. Our city invests over $10,000 in in-kind, taxpayer paid contributions to the G&C event.
  2. I did not ask for the water slide to be shut down; instead I asked if the water usage could be downsized so it didn’t splash out on the street each time a kid went down it.
  3. The “$17 paid” bull crap was not an issue, the thousands of gallons of water wasted in violation of city, county and state laws was and is, illegal to waste thousands of gallons of water during the drought.
  4. As an elected officials we swore an oath to uphold the laws of the land and when people at a public event come to you and complain about an obvious violation of a law (they have to follow) I felt it was my duty to mention it to Mensa Mike and ask him if there was a way to reduce the amount of wasted water to which he replied “It’s my water I paid for and I can do what I want with it”. So be it.
  5. The publisher was wrong printing a letter knowing it was false and covering up for the writer to, I can only guess, ingratiate himself to whoever wrote it. Again, I don’t really care who wrote it they mean nothing to me. I am disappointed that the publisher of the paper, for whatever reason, proved his critics to be right once again.

I try to convince the city council and many people in this community I am not part of this paper… this paper is actually a part of me. I started it years ago as the Dixon Newspaper which eventually morphed into today’s publication.

I started writing this column (this time) to help out the publisher who was very ill with leukemia and even brought in my daughter-in-law as a temporary editor to help him out.

This column is just a repeated weekly at the web site www.tedhickman.com which has close to 200,000 reads worldwide. I have no financial interest or editorial say about the paper’s content… I just write what is accepted to be the best read thing in the paper… week after week for over 11 years now… It’s become a record setting habit of which I’m reluctant, but only to a point, to give up.

Let me make this perfectly clear… they are them, and I am me, and neither has an influence over either. I write this thing to sometimes impart useful information and each week try to leave readers with a smile on their face… That’s it. I do some photography and outdoor stories none of which provides income.

 

Reno Trip

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During our trip top Reno last week we had a couple of interesting things happen. While inside of the huge Scheels Outfitters (sporting goods store) in Sparks my first wife Linda and her 91 year old mother took a ride on the full size Ferris wheel inside the store. If you’ve never been there it’s worth the trip, the place is huge with a big department for about any sport you can name.

Mary, Linda’s mother, was celebrating her 91st birthday and we were celebrating out 51 year of marriage… anyway Mary had ridden on a Ferris wheels once before, in 1942, when she was 17, on a trip to her senior graduation party… The regular senior trip in Elwood, Indiana was canceled because of WWII… They both said, “Wow, it sure was high!” Picture #3 shows them stopped at the very top… Linda doesn’t like heights… The other big highlight of the Hot August Nights was the little truck Linda is standing by in the photo, Virginia Street closed down and the estimated 500,000 people in attendance between Wednesday and Sunday to see 6,200 registered cars show off!

 

Deer Season Opener

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            We went near Ukiah for Saturday’s A Zone opener of deer season. We saw dozens of does and fawns and three spikes but no legal bucks. I wanted Linda to get one last deer… her first was in the 1960’s… anyone have a forked horn problem? Anyway we were at over 3,000 feet in the coast range, above the clouds and only proved one thing for sure… It is true about bears, they do…

 

*More Things For Thought2016g

*Bugs Bunny just recently turned 75 years old.  When he says “what’s up, Doc?” he has a legitimate reason to be concerned.

*The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I was standing on their grave.

*There weren’t enough dirty dishes to run the dishwasher so I had to wash a fork, 2 cups and a plate by hand… this must be what it felt like to live in the old west.

*Enemas make crap happen… seriously.

*The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan? Simple…. the Supreme Court wears black robes and scares white people.

*Apparently “no kidding!” isn’t the appropriate response when your boss says he’s confused.

*Some homeless guy asked me for $10 yesterday which I thought was a greedy request… then when I realized we were standing outside a Whole Foods market it seemed totally legitimate.

*For some unexplained reason the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was a much more popular movie than its sequel “Cleaning up Dog Crap for Eternity!”

*Thomas Jefferson’s father’s name was Thomas Jefferdad… makes you think.

*I just went and took the orange juice out of the refrigerator… and I swear I heard the beer say “what the hell?”

*I really enjoy kissing that soft, warm crease on the back of a woman’s knee… but the chick in front of me at Starbuck’s doesn’t seem to dig it.

*I’ve never made it to the end of a porn movie.  What happens… do they cuddle?

*It’s only called “robbing the cradle” if you marry a much younger person… if you just date them it’s called “babysitting”.

*According to my English neighbor the best way to make tea is to “agitate the bag”… so every morning I slap her on the butt and say “two sugars, fatty”….Donald Trump?

*Stop struggling!  They play this music in the elevator because they expect us to slow dance, lady!

*Coffeegasm:  that little rush you feel after the first sip of good, strong coffee.

*Donald Trump’s hair looks like someone tried to use the blur tool in Photoshop to cover a bald spot.

*I hate it when they say “contains adult situations” and yet they never show anyone going to work, cleaning the house or paying their bills.

*Remember back when you could threaten to strangle someone with the phone cord… those were the days.

*There’s no use crying over spilt milk, especially skim milk… skim milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

*After being chastised by the wife for not asking for directions I responded “not all who wander are lost”… however, just to be perfectly, clear I was lost as hell.

*Do pirates make prostitutes walk the plank… or do they just heave ho?

*Of course you can trust me… not alone with chocolate, but otherwise.

*Were you aware that if you tilt the steering wheel just right it’s possible to block the “check engine” light… and enjoy miles and miles of guilt-free driving?

*Let’s face up to it; if men and women could swap bodies for a day no one would do anything noble… we’d just play with ourselves until we blacked out.

*I’m learning to speak Klingon in case I ever need the guys in our IT department to understand me.

*The world is a much more beautiful place when you don’t have to pee.

*As soon as dogs realize we have bones hidden under our skin all manner of hell is going to break loose.

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August 9th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #581 (8-14-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

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Just Got Back From Reno

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We, my first wife Linda and her mother Mary and I just got back from a visit to Hot August Nights in Reno ( Like Grillin and Chillin times 100). It was a dual celebration of Mary’s 91st birthday (she’s healthy as a 30 year old) and our 51st (I can’t believe it either) wedding date. People wonder how I could have put up with Linda all of these years… well, probably not many people wonder that… but many sure wonder how she’s done it. She explains usually by saying, “There’s never been a dull moment”… and for whatever reason she loves me faults and all. She sometimes thinks that, way back, when I was standing the gene pool line I missed the “tact” and “know when to quit” DNA particles, but outside of that stuff kind of works out for us.

Could I have done better? Not in this lifetime or on this planet. I have to be one of the luckiest guys on earth with my wife, family and careers… and of course loyal readers and voters. My luckiest day (fate?) was 51 years ago going into a dentist office in Dayton, Ohio and see this beautiful former homecoming queen person, in her starched white uniform, assisting the dentist fixing my mouth… Some folks thought he didn’t do that good of a job because it still worked afterwards.

I was in college and editor of the Community Times Newspaper. We were married shortly after that painful experience *and one of the columns below came shortly after that when I accepted the job as the Editor of the Dixon Tribune (fate?) 2,500 miles away, and impulsively we moved to Dixon, sight unseen… Quite a culture shock… I had never seen much of anything other than black and white people, never heard of a taco or an avocado, seen an ocean or mountains or artichoke or even a deer… etc. This has been our home ever since.

We raised our two sons and our four grandchildren have been born and raised here. From day one we have been involved in almost every aspect of the community serving in just about every organization in the area and have worked tirelessly for the good of our city, its people and the area… It’s what we do… and we’re proud of it. Sooo, look below and see how is started about five decades ago and thanks to Mrs. McGrew for saving this column from the mid-60’s.

 

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True Story From Right Here In Dixon

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A Dixon man was dining alone in at Bud’s downtown restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you. They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the Vaca theatre followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time… The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! Wait for it…
‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?  ‘No,’ she replies. ‘You just happened to catch my eye…”  It’s OK moan if you want…

 

The Right Way To Do Things #2

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I didn’t know that ‘Ink Cartridges’ had a reset button!

 

“DEEP THOUGHTS”

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  1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and  Shikthead’s.2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.3. I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here.4. I saw a rather large-breasted woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Silicon?”5. I don’t do drugs because I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

    6. A sign In a Chinese pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”

  1. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?10. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Maries.

    13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

    15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

    16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

  1. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”

18. No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

21. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  1. Marriage changes passion… Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
  1. Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

24.  Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!

  1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

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July 31st 2015
Dixon Bid for Kids Re-Do

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

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NEWS RELEASE

July 28, 2015

 

The “Bids for Kids Board” made the decision to not purchase animals during the 2015 Dixon May Fair and will not be purchasing animals this week during the 2015 Solano County Fair.

 

The board said their plan is to restructure and reorganize in order to be back in 2016 with more activities and a better presence in the May Fair and Solano County Fair auctions. In order to accomplish this goal, the non-profit organization is looking to grow its membership and is inviting the community to its next meeting, August 31st at 6:30 pm.

The meeting site will be at “It’s All about the Scrapbook” at 1670 North Lincoln Street, Suite H, Dixon. 

 

The group is concerned about all 4-H, Grange, FFA and Independent youth from throughout Solano County showing animals; get a fair price for their projects at the auctions at both fairs. The group is asking all past, current and future members to attend this re-organizational meeting to give input and voice their concerns, and if not yet a member… Help out and join Bids for Kids!

 

For more information, contact Belyn Lee at

bidsforkidsdixon@gmail.com or (707) 416-1236

 

 

 

 

 

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July 31st 2015
That’s Life©1966 #579 (7-31-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

What’s the moisture called on the inside of a fire hydrant?  H2O …….What’s the moisture called out the outside of a fire hydrant? K9P

 

Grillin and Chillin Was Good

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          Last week I reported a factual piece on the Grillin and Chillin promoter Mike Hamilton wasting way over 2,000 gallons of water on black top and flooding the gutter. I said nothing bad about the event in which we have always backed and participated in one way or the other. This time we were taking our shift in the voter registration booth when people started complaining about an obvious problem with water from a fire hydrant being “wasted” on the blacktop. People came to me because I was wearing a City of Dixon shirt and city council name badge. I tried to talk to Hamilton and he babbled and tried to bully his way out of it saying he was “paying for the water and could do what he wanted with it”.

In response to the story this he went all around town on Tuesday trying to gather up support to make him look good for his lost cause… he was caught dead to right, with hundreds of witnesses and photos documenting the violation of both city and state water codes. Each place he went looking for allies, people called me and told me he and “his people” was going to storm the city council meeting and “set me straight” about doing my sworn duty as an elected official.

When he showed at the meeting he had one old friend and the head of the Kiwanis Club (who he donates a lot of money to each year) chastise me for making the event not look good. I’ve said nothing negative about the event and Hamilton did his usual; (he’s either brighter than he acts or has good advisors) the best defense if a strong offense. His best effort to storm city hall was one old guy and the misguided head of a local club. Interesting that Hamilton, the head of Grill in and Chillin, didn’t say a word himself instead coned a couple of people to come and sing his praises and condemn me for…?

I never said the event wasn’t good for Dixon and that it wasn’t a cool thing with the old cars and stuff . I just questioned the bad image Hamilton gave Dixon by wasting thousands of gallons of water… watering the streets during a drought. His defender, head of the Kiwanis Club, that gets a good donation from him, who couldn’t see the trees for the forest, even chided me for daring to have a constitutional right of free speech.  Gads I wrote the documented truth that Hamilton really did make Dixon look bad by flaunting his limited power for a day breaking both city and state laws… to thousands of people. I simply pointed out he could have made a better choice and once again I’m the bad guy? I have a right to my opinion and the fact is I did what I was requested to do as a legitimate official… “People who live in glass houses…”

The mayor and one other councilman saw the waste of water but were, for some reason, reluctant to do anything about it for some reason…

 

Butt Dad, I don’t want to be a Boy Scout

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By allowing “openly gay” Boy Scouts leaders the Boy Scouts hope to increase new members?  What better way to scout for young boys huh? That’s like saying… *&%#@… add your own analogy…

 

 

One year after Trump is in office
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Short Shots…

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De Judge Solano County Superior Court Judge Paul L. Beaman that ruled against the taxpayers over the City of Dixon in the $30 million sewage battle and nullified any and all elections on the matter and agreed the people don’t have a right to vote. He said, in part according to published sources, ordering the elections departments of both the city and county to: “Take no action to process the proposed initiatives… as those proposed initiatives are invalid and beyond the power of the electorate.” Isn’t he elected?

Thanks to American Legion/Auxiliary People wonder how much community groups make selling fireworks. For our part (Dixon Toys for Tots Community Christmas Programs) we were given a check for our 1/7 participation working one 13 hour day plus two hours on the fourth, for a little over $2,000.  Great kick off for our upcoming 49th annual program huh?

 

Right Way to do things 

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More Things For Thought

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*Survival tip: If a woman ever pulls a knife on you during an argument quickly pull out some bread and a jar of peanut butter… her natural instincts will quickly kick in and she’ll make you a sandwich.

*”Look on the bright side, at least there is more for us to drink with him gone” is apparently not something one should say at a wake.

*I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how all the characters were able to get into those pants.

*When you consider the time in history when Jesus is said to have been born I question those who give Him the Wheel or make Him their Co-Pilot.

 

*Fifty Shades of Grey was somewhat disappointing… all those people in blindfolds and yet no one took a swing at a piñata.

*What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John Knights if they’re not going to joust?

*I don’t have the time to go to the gym and work out… but I did do some killer cardio today pacing indecisively back and forth in front of the Ben & Jerry’s section at the market.

*Told the wife she drew her eyebrows on just a bit too high… she looked surprised. 

*A dyslexic hooker just offered to cook my socks for $40. DAVE remove

*I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon… I think I’m going to be pretty good at it.

*I’ve seen so many “bathroom selfies” I think I’ve lost all perspective… I can’t tell if someone’s attractive in real life unless they’re standing near a toilet.

*Having one doesn’t entitle you to act like one.

*Nothing ruins your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.

*I went for a run today, a beer run… but I broke a sweat so I believe it still counts.

*Whether you see your glass as half-empty or half-full doesn’t matter… the truth is you didn’t pour enough wine into your glass.  Start over.

*Every time I pull a door that is clearly marked “push” it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a pretty crappy midwife.

*The older you get the more you realize nobody has a damn clue what they’re doing… everybody’s just winging it.

*Trying to have a normal conversation with some of my critics is a great deal like trying to eat Jell-O with chopsticks.

*The leading method of suicide in Albania is trying to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

*Mailboxes were invented so a person would know how far they could walk from their home in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

*Egyptians don’t walk like that.

*Ever noticed how adding the word “family” to something just sucks all the fun out of it… car: “family” car.  Vacation: “family” vacation. Affair: “family” affair.

*I find it amusing how Subway sells “healthy foot-long sandwiches”… as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

*A friend met a girl in a bar the other night and she told him she wanted the night to be magical… so he slept with her and then disappeared.

*Someday I hope to feel financially secure enough to tell the Chipotle cashier… “Guacamole is no object!”

*I’m giving up for Lent.

*Got hollered at by a customer today… “Don’t look me in the eyes!  I’m wearing a $75 bra!”

*And that, Romeo, is why we usually take a pulse first.

*I’m so pro-life I believe life actually starts at erection.

*Standing outside on a really cold morning holding a steaming zip-lock bag full of dog crap I begin to question my “dogs are better than people” philosophy.

 

Once again the Real Estate market is HOT!

Now’s the time to sell.

2019e

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July 26th 2015
Lake Berryessa is really low

Posted under That's Life Columns

The top two photos were taken from the road by Trey Hickman a week before Ted Hickman took the two below from a boat. The second top photo show the spillway.

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This shows what used to be the launch ramp at Markley Cove.

 

Lake Berryessa is
Shrinking Each Day

According to the Solano County Water Agency Lake Berryessa’s surface elevation was down to 402.92 feet from the top of the “Glory Hole” which is 439.96 feet. The current decrease is down 1.82 feet since July 1st. The launch ramp at Markley Cove is down way past a level anyone can remember seeing in recent years (see photo).
The lake’s storage capacity is at 919,936 acre feet. The maximum capacity of the lake is about 1.6 million acre feet. The current storage amount shows a drop of 27,682 acre feet, a since July 1 and means the lake is now only holding 57.5 percent of capacity. The water level is 37.04 feet below the glory hole (see photo).
The lake has shrunk by 142,211 acre feet since its high point this year of 1,062,147 acre feet on February 26. The water agency reported the total rain fall to date is at 19.09 inches. The annual rain fall average is 25.82 inches.

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July 26th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #578 (7-24-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com For 576 Past (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

Some Can Waste Water?

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            Thousands of people witnessed an obvious huge water waste during this year’s Grillin & Chillin last Saturday in Dixon.  About 5,000 attended the event headed by Mike Hamilton of Dixon. I made the mistake of wearing my city council shirt and badge and had numerous people point out the huge waste of water taking place “by the city”.

Since it was coming from a fire hydrant they assumed it was the city and were not happy they couldn’t water their lawns throughout the county, but Mike was watering the pavement… to the sum of at least 2,244 gallons initial fill”- whatever that means. It was being used for a children’s water slide that no one came to the event just to use it for their kids.

People came to me complaining about the waste of water. When I tried to talk to Hamilton he said, “It is ok since I am buying it from Cal Water and I can do what I want with it”. I tried to reason with him that people were angry about the waste and he got bullying and obtuse with me which is the way he handles anything that doesn’t go his way.

People thought it was the city wasting water since it came directly from a fire hydrant. I found the mayor three blocks away and Jack said he would talk to him but it got worse. I saw councilman Bird blocks away from the mayor and mentioned it to him… so I’m not the lone ranger in this one… Everyone saw it and saw nothing being done to curtail or even reduce it. It was in violation of the Dixon City Code and the State Water Resource Control Board’s says it is prohibited by … “Application of water to any hard surface (driveways, sidewalks, asphalt).

He could have reduced the water without affecting the primary use but refused because it was “my water”. Not good or for the city. Others asked about the city’s liability (since it is a primary sponsor) with the somewhat dangerous water slide. Haven’t got that answer either

Wonder if anyone will be cited?

 

Investment Opportunity

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Thought you might want to consider getting on board early. A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.  He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well….He says prophets are going through the roof.

Short Shots…

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Ain’t Gonna Happen:  Late Wednesday afternoon Judge Beaman ruled against the Solano County Taxpayers and thousands of local residents when he said their attempt to put the local $30 million dollar sewage plant upgrade on the ballot… He said it was “unconstitutional”. This obviously thrilled the anti-elect Hickman group of former city manager Salmons and city clerk Beaman and four fifths of the current city council. I’ve not made a statement one way or the other on the sewage issue… I have supported the public’s right to vote on it… Ain’t gonna happen… At least no more tax dollars will be spent fighting those who pay the taxes. It sounds like the taxpayers association will have a “Remember the Alamo” type slogan haunt the 2016 city council election.

STEPS: I have one of those digital/phone meters that measure the amount of steps you take in any given period of time. Last Saturday at Grillin & Chillin we were working in the voter registration booth and walking around in the crowd registering voters. In about three hours I walked 1.3 miles. By comparison at the recent NRA dinner I walked 7,636 steps or 2.7 miles… which is nothing compared to 10,000 or so steps or 4.5 miles during a half day of pheasant hunting or the12,000 steps I took on set up day for Toys for Tots at the fairgrounds for over 5.5 miles. Sure beats guessing. I’m curious how much we’ll walk during deer season.

P.D. Suggestions: The folks at the Dixon P.D. would like to see a speaker in the underground railroad tunnel. They say the public wouldn’t believe some of the things that go on it there and recorded on the cameras. They say they have no way to communicate with people in there nor can people talk to them or call for help. They need a two-way speaker system… I mean we’re $7 million or so into it what’s a speaker system?

911 Busy? I talked to Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox, after the last city council meeting when folks were upset about calling 911 during a fire recently and getting a busy signal. It was said it was a county dispatch problem because of limited lines. I asked Chief Cox why the calls couldn’t roll over the city’s police and fire department; the PD during the weekdays and the FD the rest of the time? He said it might be workable and is looking into it.

A busy signal calling 911 is unacceptable don’t you think?

 

More Things For Thought

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*Today I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “we do our business in your mouth” … and I haven’t stopped laughing.

*A review of Jurassic World:  a genetically modified 60-foot dinosaur has turned violent… and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

*People always ask me why I was wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation picture… clearly because it was my señor year.

*The two things women love to hear… “I love you” and “that’s on sale”.

*I slammed the car door on my fingers today… in related news there is an 83% chance my grandson added “sonuvabitch!” to his vocabulary.

*Pirates who used an “X” to mark the spot were stupid… if they had used a “G” no one would have ever found their treasure.

*Two atoms of helium acting funny… hehe!

*I hired a pizza chef as my golf coach… one way or another that guy is going to fix my slice.

*Macaroni Grill is closing some select locations… I would suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill has a lot to do with it.

*I enjoy giving names to the furniture… right now I’m chillin’ on Oscar the couch.

*One of the EMT’s here in Davis got canned today for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator.

*If anyone ever tried to steal my identity I’d just think “now it’s their problem.”

*I’ve decided I’m not an alcoholic… I’m a soberphobic.

*An opossum is just a regular possum that is capable of re-enacting the diner scene from “when harry met sally”.

*On the news tonight:  “There’s a growing shortage of maternity-ward staff… you could say it’s a bit of a midwife crisis.”

*I find it amazing when people can pinpoint the subtle floral and spice undertones in a glass of wine… and I’m questioning whether there’s horseradish on my sandwich.

*Divorce is when you tell someone you know better than anyone else on the face of the earth… that you’ve decided to take a pass.

*Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I generally point to some random spot in the room and say “over there”.

*As I walked past the elementary school near the house I heard a little kid say “if you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!”… me too kid, me too!

*Some music just moves you… for instance this rap stuff on the radio makes me want to drive off a cliff.

*I’m not overly suspicious by nature but when I see squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together… I’m concerned maybe they won the lottery and hired a good hit-and-run attorney.

*Ever since they started calling pole dancers artists the neighbor girl has been writing on her resume that her talents include “moving in artistic circles”.

*When my granddaughter was 5 she asked me why Grammy wears make-up.  I told her “To look pretty”… she replied, “But she’s already pretty… Grampa… you should wear make-up!”

*Ya know those holes in a pair of Crocs… that’s where your dignity leaks out.

*The phrase “whatever floats your boat” is quite misleading… practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

*You should marry the first person you find who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

*All I really want is for married gay couples to be able to fly their confederate flag and use a gun to protect their marijuana plants.

*Ladies, when you’re looking for your knight in shining armor be sure you don’t end up with some schmuck in tin foil.

*Karma Sutra: When fate screws you in all manner of creative ways.

*Hey, women who breastfeed in public… what’s with not winking back?


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July 17th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #577 (7-17-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Come And See Us!

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My first wife Linda and I will be at the Grillin’ and Chillin’ sitting in the booth that will be set up to register non-registered voters. So… if you aren’t registered stop by between 10 am and 10 pm and get yourself in the mix to help decide city, county, state and federal issues.

We’ve never missed and election in over five decades and feel it is important for all citizens to have a say in how their lives are governed. If you don’t vote, don’t bitch. We’ll be in the tent-thingy at least from 10 to 12:30. If you have a friend or neighbor who’s not registered drag them down there and we’ll help them sign up… If you moved here from somewhere else stop by and get re-registered. If you didn’t vote in the last general election you probably aren’t registered.

 

News Flash…

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            I’m announcing today I’ll be the 17th (0r 18 0r 19th) republican to enter the presidential race with the backing of my buddy and the entire city council… (if it means I would leave the council). Donald and I think a lot alike… the only big difference is about $10 billion and change. Why? Because I didn’t want to be the only politician in the country to not throw my hat in the ring. Right off the bat I’d outlaw throwing gum on the ground, butchering the national anthem, cut off all foreign aid and spend it all in the U.S. and allow only those who want to file for citizenship to enter the country or receive any benefits. I would also outlaw citizens paying for sex operations for prisoners, take back Bruce Jenner’s award, and push the constitution and all of its amendments making all elected officials read it and take a test to show they understand all of it, including the first and second amendments.

I’ll have a chicken in every pot and reactivate the TVA… you want help or aid and all the freebies we pay for, we give you a job and pay you to do it… don’t want to work… starve.

My polls numbers are in yet but I expect them to be below Donald and Jeb… I might have to settle for the VP spot since I can do the job better than Biden… Of course our nine year old grandson is brighter and could do better than Joe.

 

Local Name Change

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Last Thursday I went to an elected officials get together in Fairfield at 4:30, got to the new sewage plant dedication by 5:30 and on to a special city council meeting at 7 pm. So what? While at the big hole being dug for the new sewage plant Dixon’s Mayor used a line given to him by councilman Steve Bird when he told the gathered crowd, (out of context) “Since a former councilman (vice mayor) called the undercrossing downtown the ‘Jack Hole’ I think it only fair we dub this sewage project ‘Mikehole’.” Bird said he already had enough donations pledged for the plaque.

I called Mike Ceremello and ask if he was going to change the spelling of his name because of this and he said, “Probably not”. Almost everyone but Mike found the whole thing humorous and an appropriate pay back… I think it has kind of a nice ring to it Mikehole Ceremello… sound like an Italian opera.

 

Japanese Sex!

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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex: Husband: “Sukitaki. mojitaka!”

Wife replies: “Kowanini! mowi janakpa!” Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!” Wife begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!” Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don’t even know Japanese. You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex… You need help, seriously!

Sometimes I worry about you al

 

 

Empty Park…Go Figure?

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Ever since Northwest Park was built, many years ago, I have gone by it almost daily either by car, walking or riding around it on my bike. On this past Sunday, with the temps perfect in the 80’s, between 2 and 2:30 in the afternoon NOT ONE person was anyplace in the entire complex. I rode around it twice… go figure? There’s always someone some place isn’t there? The answer is; not on this day. No soccer, baseball, basketball, picnic, no nothing. The photo is from my cell phone.

 

More Things For Thought…

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Their calling this controversy with the Patriots “deflatagate”… I was hoping they’d go with “ball-o-caust”.

Getting up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

 I’m in the crap again.  The wife sent me a selfie asking “does this outfit make me look fat?”… I answered “nooo” but the damn auto-correct changed it to “moooo”.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes… nobody is doing me either.

Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler “let me go!” when you catch them by the toe.

My boss thinks homosexuality is a disease… so I’m going to call in gay tomorrow.

They named it “Taco Bell” because Alexander Graham Bell was instrumental in developing the taco.

There’s a sign posted in the restroom at work telling us not to flush anything down the commode other than toilet paper… now I’m unsure how to proceed.

“Stomach….lungs….kidney…..gall bladder….heart….”………Me, at my organ recital.

In the earlier part of my life I too, like Bruce, was a man trapped inside a woman’s body… then mom gave birth to me.

My new personal trainer asked what’s my goal… I told him I want to look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking.

They found a charred body rolled up in a carpet locked in the trunk of an abandoned, damaged car… the police “suspect” foul play?

Tom Brady states… “my balls are perfect”!

Oh damn!  That sinking feeling you used to experience when you were eight and realized you had forgot to lock up your clubhouse… now it’s all infested with girls!

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that could curdle your blood… they called her “phlegm fatale”.

Billion dollar idea:  A smoke alarm that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

As a gentlemen I always allow women and children to go first… I hate walking into spider webs.

I sure wish Tampax made a product you could stuff in people’s mouths to absorb all the stupid crap they say.

After 100 years on the bottom of the ocean explorers were amazed to find the Titanic’s pool still full.

What’s the difference between a wife’s argument and a knife… a knife has a point.

I convinced my wife we should get a cat… I mostly wanted one ‘cuz her mother’s allergic.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins… that’s why you have to drink lots of it.

Halloween is by far the safest day of the year to kill a person and then leave them in a chair on the porch.

When I die I told the wife to have them put a router in my tombstone offering free Wi-Fi……just so people will come see me more often.

I’m really beginning to think I will never be old enough to know better.

Bedgasm:  (noun) a feeling of euphoria experienced when climbing into bed at the end of a crappy day.

Knife fights are exciting and intense… but butter-knife fights are the true test of skill and endurance.

I’m sorry.  I was raised in the US so I don’t really understand the metric system… exactly how much is “in moderation”?

The wife wanted me to look at things from her point of view… so I went and looked out the kitchen window.

Atheists just don’t get it… belonging to a church is worth it just for the bake sales.

 

Wild Blackberry Pie Season

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            It on now and the wild berries are in their prime. Linda’s secrete is: blackberries, mix in blackberry Jell-O, gram cracker pie crust, cool whip… Low calorie and delicious, try it!

 

Things I trust more than Hillary:2015x5

Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a “pet me” sign

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

A fart when I have diarrhea

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

Michael Jackson’s Doctor

An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

A Palestinian on a motorcycle Gas station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter economic plan

Brian Williams news reports

Loch Ness monster sightings

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol

Emails from Nigerian princes

The Heimlich Maneuver from Barney Frank

A condom made in China

A prostate exam from Captain Hook

And finally…. Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention.

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