Posted under That's Life Columns
Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com
*Much like the Giant Panda and the Snow Leopard the 20-something young lady without a wrist or butt tattoo is an endangered species.
I Figured Out The Real Cause of Violence
Yep, it came to me the other night as I was watching TV and saw a children’s birthday party going on where little ones were all excited, hopped up no doubt on caffeine laced drinks and sweets. They were then handed a weapon and were then encouraged to beat a form of a lifeless animal to a pulp or until it ruptured and spilled its internal contents on the ground. Then all of the kids present scooped up the remains and ATE them! Their parents gave the kids their choice of a club, sticks and even baseball bats to pummel this helpless animal effigy they had hanging from a tree.
The kids squealed with delight as more and more damage was done to this lifeless critter with parents standing in the background yelling encouragement…oh the inhumanity of it all. You have to feel for the helpless façade of a critter hung in mid air, from a tree, while these little future whackers take turns trying to destroy it…oh, I forgot to mention…to hone their whacking skills the parents blindfold them to give the motionless critter a slight chance.
To improve the critters chances even more, and to frustrate the children to the point of rage, they jerk the critter up and down on a rope to make the kids miss a few times before allowing a solid whack. When contact is made and its guts not spilled, there is a big outcry from all in attendance and encouragement to whack itagain harder…Yeah, you guessed it (the picture helped huh?).
The cause of much of our violence today doesn’t start with video games, TV or the movies but with the insidiously inspired Piñata…why hasn’t anyone figured this out before?
Think you’d ever see this happening at a party in the P.R.O.D (People’s Republic Of Davis)? PETA would picket, the ACLU, just because, would file an injunction through the students at the law school, and Vet Med would have protesters out front with signs for pretended cruelty to animals reproductions. The med school would object because of possible damage to the child’s rotator cuff and the SPCA would have members join the picket line…Wolk, Yamada, Boxer and Feinstein would file protests and propose legislation to prohibit such a thing via their respective elected positions for which the taxpayers would of course pay. The chancellor of the university, who initially allowed such barbaric rituals to take place but then ordered the kids to be peppered sprayed to stop it, blamed the police chief, etc…that’s why you don’t see this kind of activity in our nearby town of known as the City of the University of Davis.
Remember you heard it here first so when your President gets his second Nobel Prize award for having this idea you’ll have documentation where it came from…I can see it now in Davis, bumper stickers saying … “End Piñata Pounding…before it’s too late.”
Things aren’t always what they seem…
A man received the following text from his neighbor: Bob, I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact many more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant “WIFI”", not “wife”.
New Reporter & Snide Remarks
The new Tribune Editor made his first major public appearance at the Chamber’s dinner last Saturday and the catty comments were flying. Off handedly people said, “Looks how he’s dressed, did he think he was going to a barn dance”? (I liked that one took me back to the good old days) Better yet when he won the $250 drawing prize I heard the comment, “The Chamber set that up so he could afford to get a haircut, a shave and some decent clothes.”
Hey kid, if that’s the worst they ever say about you, you aren’t doing your job. You can only imagine what they said about me during my first few weeks here in the 60’s. I took a publication from a “church paper” to hard news in a week. I took my bruises for years…and in retrospect I’m surprised a lynch mob didn’t form. Anyway, good luck, I hear good things about you from Rio Vista…see you around…hope you have some cajones and a thick skin.
Fisherman’s Wharf Tourist Icon Dies
You know it’s funny what millions of people from all over the world take home from their visit to the San Francisco. Our friends visiting from Oklahoma last year got a big chuckle out of the “Bushman” guy. We stood and watched him for about 15 minutes marveling over the fact people didn’t notice a couple of bushes in the middle of the sidewalk, with nothing else around, no dirt, no trees, no nothing, in the middle of the wharf. As people walked by he’d scare the hell out of them because they never saw him or the bushes. Many returned and put donations in his cup (as did we) for having fun out of being embarrassed by this little old man, with a simple trick, who earned his living by providing entertainment and memories for many.
For 30 years Gregory Jacobs spent his days at Fisherman’s Wharf hiding behind branches, quietly waiting for unsuspecting tourists to come by. When they did, and when they least expected it, he would quickly shove the branches at them, often giving them a scare with a sudden noise for good measure. Almost always, without fail, the startled would jump, yell and run. He got us as well initially because like the others we were tour guiding and not really paying attention to our surroundings. It is one of those iconic San Francisco experiences. Few people can forget their run-in with “The Bushman”. But Jacobs hadn’t been in his usual spot lately. He’d been in and out the hospital with heart problems. Last Sunday his heart finally gave out and Jacobs passed away. There’s another bushman still working the wharf area who claims to have been there first so the thrill will still be there when you take your guests to the city by the bay.
English Is Tricky
Ted: More of the strange English Language. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbal insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. E.G. Dixon
Protect Your Car’s VIN Number
The VIN number or Vehicle Identification Number is a 17-character alphanumeric identifier that acts a serial number for your car. The VIN number contains four relevant parts and helps to identify:
1) “World Manufacturer” of the vehicle,
2) “Vehicle Description”,
3) “VIN accuracy check digit”,
4) “Vehicle Identification”.
Ted: If you don’t believe this, it’s easy enough to check it out. You’ve got nothing to lose. This is good info no matter where you live, especially if you park in the same place every day…Here is information worth the price of your car…Car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or vehicle, write down the VIN # from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN #.
I didn’t believe this e-mail, so I called a local car dealership in Vacaville and pretended I had lost my keys. They told me to just bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I could order the keyless device if I wanted. The car dealer’s parts department will make a duplicate key from the VIN # and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. They don’t have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to themselves. All they have to do is walk up to your car, insert the key and off they goes to a local chop shop with your vehicle. You don’t believe it? It can be that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some dark tape (electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across the VIN Number Metal Label located on the dashboard. By law, you cannot remove the VIN, but you CAN cover it so it can’t be viewed through the windshield by a car thief. I urge you to forward this to your friends before some other car thief steals another car or truck. I slipped a 3×5 card over my VIN NUMBER. Pass this information on to your family and friends! D. H. Dixon (Ted: I just did and I put the cards in our vehicles…a cheap way to take a precaution).
Get This Will You…True Stuff
Your corrupt legislators in Sacramento have their own little taxpayer funded Democratic club with Steinberg in charge. Two elected officials, both Democratic in this instance, have been charged with crimes, one convicted and the other caught dead to rights taking a bribe by an undercover FBI agent. So what’s happening to them? Nothing. Senate majority leader Steinberg is ignoring calls to have them removed from office and allowing them to take time off while still receiving full pay from the taxpayers. One is on appeal through the courts and the other hasn’t gone to trial yet and needs the time off to prepare himself. They are out and out crooks, caught dead to rights and yet the legislature lets them continue to draw full taxpayer state pay and benefits…They’ll probably get retirement benefits too…WTF people? Seriously I mean WTF? They should be in prison and Steinberg along with them.
“Lexophile” lexophile (plural lexophiles)
“A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, palindromes, etc”
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year. It has nothing to do with loving children. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop: Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.