June 26th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #574 (6-26-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

4th of July is coming up…Next weekend! Fireworks Sales Start Saturday!

 

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The annual non-profit group’s ‘Safe and Sane” state approved fireworks sales start Sunday all over town. We, Dixon Toys for Tots, work in conjunction with the Dixon American Legion Post 208, and receive a share of the total sales. So if your interest is spending money which will help Vets, kids and senior citizens come to the fireworks booth in the Safeway parking lot. If you have kids in school, sports or any you belong to any organization they probably have their own booth. Every since the sales stared a few years ago the Safeway location has always sold the most, not only because of the location but because it seems to always have enough supplies of what everyone wants.

We, the volunteers from Toys for Tots will be there all day next Thursday, from like 10 to 10 so you can stop by then and we’ll load you up with things that go bang or shoot sparks… Which leads me to my next point. I’ve always been proud of people of Dixon proving me right with the common sense use of these family friendly explosives. You see most all users doing the right thing having a garden hose on stand by and a bucket of sand or water to securely extinguish all left over from their mini-shows.

At the same time I asked the fire and police chief’s to really crack down on these folks who persist in setting off mini-bombs and commercial grade bottle rockets. The chiefs said they will indeed crack down on illegal fireworks when the culprits are nabbed. Simply call 678-7070 during regular business hours or 678-7080, the non-emergency after hours number, and report violators. Just give a close address of those setting off the dangerous gun powdered devices and the police will try to bust them, cite them and confiscate all illegal stuff they have… Don’t whine and say you haven’t been warned and just pay the price if the authorities win a few hands during this annual game of cat and mouse.

We have one more paper before the fourth so I’ll try to do an update next week.

 

Garage Sale Warnings Too!

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Also at the city council meeting Tuesday we had another complaint about garage sales. Yep, it’s come down to this. Anyway in Dixon you need to buy a garage sale permit from the police department in advance. It is illegal to put signs on any poles around town and really illegal to leave them up after your “sale”. So I asked the police chief to have his code compliance officer work some Saturdays and check sales for permit and if no permit is present to cite the seller. This is only fair to those who do buy the permits don’t you think?

Secondly (I’ve had a lot of complaints about this) I asked him to have his code compliance officer to scour the city on Monday, take down all left over signs, go to the address listed and cite that person… No one wants to see these signs. If you put them up you better take them down. Put them on a pole and you take a chance of being cited for that too.

This being an elected official is a trying, stress filled job and you just can’t make everyone happy… so I’m going for the right thing to do as opposed to the popular “let it slide” attitude some folks have. Unfortunately, unlike some of your other elected officials I am not only listed in the phone book but my email address is published weekly so I am really easy to get a hold of.

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Solano County NRA To Hold Banquet

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Solano County Friends of the NRA will hold its annual “Banquet Fundraiser” on July 11, 2015.  The event will be held at the “Old Vets Hall” 231 First Street, Dixon.  Doors will open at 5:30 pm with a no host cocktails, A New York steak dinner will be served at 7 pm.

There will be live and silent actions plus raffles, games, hunts, Safari packages and dozens of firearms will also be available to win.
Tickets for this event are $60 per person. For tickets and or further information you can call 1-707-678-2777.

 

Frank Green Turns 95 Today!

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 Why is the fact Dixon’s Frank Green turns 95 so important? Frank is one of the only two remaining Pearl Harbor survivors in this area. The second one being Heber Holbrook. Frank is a member of the Dixon American Legion Post 208 and a picture of Heber, also a Legion member. 

That’s Frank on the right a Heber on the left In a photo I took back in 09 and is displayed at the Legion Hall.

 

 

 

For you fathers out there, and others.

On father’s day just past… Happy belated Father’s Day!

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From a local; Dixon guy named John:   “While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I was in the homeland and took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.  I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.  Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.  Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn’t. I drank it.             I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s, nope!  In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest. He wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so s*#@-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

 

 

Area Biker… A Legend!

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A tender and compassionate story if ever I’ve heard one. A true testament to the human spirit.

Back on June 9th, a group of Woodland/Dixon area bikers were riding West on IS-80 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Carquinez Bridge.  So they stopped.   Mac, their leader, a tough man of 50+ or so, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the CHP who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and asked, “Baby…whatcha doin’ up there on that railing’?” with his southern draw.

She answered tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!” While he didn’t want to appear to be too ‘sensitive’, Mac also didn’t want to miss this ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either; so he asked…”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… why don’t you give ole Mac here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Mac got a big thumbs up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the CHP, and then says, “Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had.  Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why the hell are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

Mike Was Mean To Me

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Mike Ceremello was mean to me last week in his column. He accused me of selling out and voting with the majority for popular issues… Like the city putting up $5,000 in taxpayers dollars towards the annual forth fireworks display. The difference is Mike always did what he thought was in everybody’s best interest. I got elected to do what the voters think is in their best interest, I haven’t found anyone but Mike opposed to the big annual fireworks show sponsored by the Dixon Rotary Club and co-sponsored by the city. If I hear the majority of folks are in favor of something I’m going to push my own opinion to make thing happen or not happen. I was elected to serve the voters and their will not Mike’s way which h is very simply and very consistent…”My way or the highway.” So if he wants to be mean to me along with everyone else so be… But this snake can bite back. So all I have to say to his comments about my city council votes is… “Bite me”.

 

More Things For Thought

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My only real goal in life is too pass gas loud enough to set off a car alarm.

Facebook is going to start scanning your brain through your computer monitor in search of private information.  To prevent this from happening go to “kitchen” -> “cabinets” -> “upper right drawer” ->  at this point remove the box marked “aluminum foil”… then wrap foil all around your head.

What do you call a fat psychic… a four-chin teller?

Domino’s dropped the “pizza” from their name… legally they’re not allowed to call that pizza.

When my cousin came out as gay his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist… which was really a shame ‘cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

When I die I’d like to have someone fill my coffin with Reese’s Pieces… then my headstone can say “R.I.R.P.”
The idiot next door was ranting about how he wasn’t going to have his son vaccinated, “it’s not healthy and they’re full of dangerous preservatives”…. then he handed the kid a pop tart for breakfast.
Both bungee jumping and hookers cost about a hundred bucks… and if the rubber breaks you’re skrewed.
I lost a good friend today… he asked me to bring over some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m always amazed during cop shows when someone takes a pistol and slips into the back of their pants… how do you not get a “weapon wedgie”?
Have you noticed that none of the child prodigy national spelling bee champions have solved any of the world’s problems…thanks for nothing you little burn-outs!
People who say they “don’t have time” for all my bullshit need to manage their time better… get up an hour earlier!
For Valentine’s Day I took my wife to see “fifty shades of grey” but I need to know how long the movie is… so I’ll know when to pick her up. For a lot of women it must have been 50 shades of blush.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants realize the American Dream is hit or miss.

Have you ever wondered why Rice Krispies cost the same as other cereals…it’s ‘cuz they’re sold by weight and not by volume.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something nonsensical….I am usually that friend.
Checking into the hotel I accidentally pronounced “Wi-Fi” as “wifey”… the concierge told me the password was helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The cop asked me if I could describe the person who robbed me… of course. He had on a black shirt and hat, was wearing a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in the checkout line at the grocery store… except I’m the guy in line behind them buying beer and dog food.
I just thot about sex for maybe the 100th time today… and let me tell you, it’s definitely not the thot that counts.
Oh,oh! Trouble brewing at the Symphony Hall… it’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th and the bassists are loaded!
Financial tip:  when laundering money always separate the bills from the coins.  Use the delicate cycle with a mild detergent.
I would like to think I’ll die a heroic death… but I’ll probably trip over the damn cat and choke on a spoonful of cookie dough!
It never fails.  Run around all day looking good and I see no one I know… sneak out for 5 minutes looking like crap and it’s all of a sudden a damn reunion!
What’s four inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy… that damn empty toilet paper roll. Again.
I don’t understand why people pay big money for prescription colon cleansers… they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck.
If you drive a Nissan and your nickname for your car isn’t Liam then you’re just sort of a big waste of time.
I have sexdaily… I mean dyslexia!  STIH!
Technically speaking, every failed attempt at getting out of bed is a sit-up… so I did 17 sit-ups this morning!
My wife said she wanted to feel “special” so I gave her a helmet and some crayons… maybe I misunderstood her.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex… instead of police officers.

 

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June 26th 2015
Solano County NRA To Hold Banquet

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Solano County Friends of the NRA will hold its annual “Banquet Fundraiser” on July 11, 2015. The event will be held at the “Old Vets Hall” 231 First Street, Dixon. Doors will open at 5:30 pm with a no host cocktails, A New York steak dinner will be served at 7 pm.
There will be live and silent actions plus raffles, games, hunts, Safari packages and dozens of firearms will also be available to win.

Tickets for this event are $60 per person. For tickets and or further information you can call 1-707-678-2777.

No Comments »

June 19th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #573 (6-19-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*There are two kinds of people…

 Those that understand and appreciate sarcasm… and idiots.

 

Like A Lot, Love A Few

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            Like most people I like a lot of things I  like but really only love a few. One thing I truly love is the delta breeze… Its like a breath of fresh air (clever huh?)  every time it air conditions us and leaves our neighboring areas sweltering in the high heat. I love its arrival and always look forward to it.

The second thing I truly love is the end of the Stanley Cup finals each years. For those of you that don’t follow hockey you have to understand there are two teams of professional football sized players in a rink set up like a soccer field. These massive lugs are as graceful as a figureskater and more rugged than a pro football player. The game is played a little like soccer, but on slippery ice by rugged guys who are compelled to stop and fight every now and then to keep things interesting and settle scores the refs miss.

 

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They streak up and down the ice at breakneck speeds, like their hair’s on fire, knocking each other into the boards, up on the glass or on their ass. They beat the crap out of each other until one teams wins the best four out of seven games. Then Lord Stanley’s Cup is awarded to the winner and each player’s name is inscribbed on it.

To Canada it is the NFL and NBA all rolled into one and the Canadians are hockey nuts… Now to the part I love. Afer a full season and a series of games where enemies are made, fights are fought and injuries inflicted it all comes down to this final hard fought series. You know what happens right after the final buzzer sounds? … It took a while to get here  but here’s the point… They line up across from each other and each player, team member, and coaches look each other in the eye and shake hands with opponents for real. No high sissy high fives, no wuzzy California fist bumps, they give real, firm handshakes, congratulate and wish each other the best… Its simply one of the best  and coolest things to happen in professional sports… To them when its over its over and that’s just the way it is.

 

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When I first started in soccer here 35 years ago the kids finished the game and scampered off. I was so impressed by the hockey ritiual theat I started our teams doing that with other teams right here in Dixon. It eventually spread to everywhere and to most youth sports… but it started here via the Stanley Cup.

Just Wondering?

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            Can former USA decathlon Olympic Champion Brucey Jenner now play on the USA’s women’s Soccer team. He has until Monday to get with the  team if he can before they start into the round of 16.  FIFA  (Find Income For All…board members) Women’s World Cup. The ladies are going to have to face some of the toughest European teams in their bracket but I think they have a chance. If Catwoman, or what ever he or she nows call him/her self can join the team he/she might just give them the extra boost they need. After all he is now just one of the girls?

Mikey’s Comment Leave me wondering…

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            In this week’s column, across from this masterpiece, Mike Ceremello gave me a tongue lashing of sorts which is OK, I’m an elected official and he’s not and he has a right to say what he wants… But one line kind of bothered me. I am beginning to worry about Terrible Ted as well. I am not saying that Ted Hickman isn’t thinking or isn’t attempting to do the right thing. .  I am saying that Ted needs to think things through a little more before lobbing up softballs for Jack and his buddies to hit out of the park.  Instead these dolts are spitting on your balls and throwing them back at you.”

I mean like ouch! You can read his whole mean piece right to your right of this column… Being wet behind the ears is one thing but… I guess I’ll have to have my first wife Linda make me a lap cover for future meetings?

I’ve decided to Run…

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            The Donald called and asked me to consider running as his VP and I’ve decided to do it. He based his reasoning on the publicity shot your current president uses to make himself look more legit in the eyes of conservative voters. Donny said he knew if I could get Obama in a photo I could help him out where his billions would fall short… That would be to BS voters into voting for him after he just insulted 40 million or so legal/illegal/soon to be legal possible voters. He is out to prove that even with billions you can’t force voters to elect someone they don’t like.

2014 Ted and Obama

 

Mother’s Driver’s License

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          A Dixon mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. ‘Mommy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’ ‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’. ‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘What color was your hair two years ago?’ ‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business’. Undaunted, the little girl asks,    ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’  ‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.  ‘Well,’ says the friend, All you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’ The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’  ‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’  The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’  ‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’  ‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because on your driving license it says you got an “F” in sex’!

More Things For Thought…2016g

 

*Mind-numbing sex and chocolate milk… is that too much to ask for?

*Wow! Your baby’s doing an awesome Stevie Wonder impression… what? Oh, support the head?

*I just read an article that said more people are killed by toasters each year than sharks… so if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster swim like hell!  

*It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person… but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.

*You know you’re old when one large, horrendous gas attack throws your back out.

*If you rub chopsticks together it’s a sign of disrespect… but if you use them to play a drum solo on your water glass much honor will come your way.

*My dad and I were never real close… when his work had a father-son picnic he took my grandfather.

*I don’t always roll a joint… but when I do it’s an ankle.

*Another example of irony… getting pregnant after having sex on a pull-out couch.

*What do you call a party with one-hundred midgets… a little get-together.

*I don’t pretend to be anything I am not… except for sober, I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.

*Every time I get mad I just have to keep reminding myself… prison orange is not your color, prison orange is not your color.

*I think people spend too much time staring at their phones or computers and not enough time making out, drinking wine and dancing in their underwear.

*Every girl wants to be swept off her feet… it’s when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out!

*Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

*All the flags placed on the moon by our astronauts have now been bleached out totally white by the radiation of the sun… swell, now it looks like the French were there.

*I’m just so damn glad I was young and stupid before they had camera phones.

*Laughter is the best medicine… but if you’re laughing without any reason then you need medicine.

*I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away a helluva lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

*When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10… throw the punch when you get to eight.  No one expects it then.

*To save my family any unfortunate embarrassment my will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

*Kids today don’t know how easy they have it… when I was young I had to walk nine feet thru shag carpet to change the channel on the TV!

*Every Sunday night should end with one of those 1980’s-style movie montage things of your weekend’s highlights.

*I found a cure for my debilitating Cancer… I broke up with her and began dating a Sagittarius instead.

*Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big conference table through the door.

*A customer’s 4yr old brought his Woody doll to the store one day and was swinging it all over… finally she yelled at him to “Stop hitting people with your Woody!”… a priceless parenting moment.

*There is a reason the word “die” is in diet.

*Marry someone who can cook… looks fade.  Hunger is forever.

*First woman on the moon; “Houston, we have a problem”….what…”never mind”…..what’s the problem…”nothing”……please tell us……”I’m fine”.

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June 13th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #572 (6-12-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.commoving flag

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Take A Cop To Lunch

            Seriously… take a police officer to lunch. Who would possibly want to be a peace officer in today’s screwed up world? You gotta give those who face life and death, the retarded public and demented elected officials a great deal of credit. Kids are being taught how to “disrespect” all law enforcement and see them as enemies. I say it’s time to turn this around.

Picture this. You’re a police officer. You get an emergency call to respond to a fight. You show up and all hell has broken lose with people screaming at each other, and you, pointing fingers. You need to immediately figure out (by today’s liberal standards) who are the good ones and who are bad. Who are teenagers and who are of age. Who may be minorities and who may not be. Who are retarded and who are mentally sound… all the while making sure anyone one you deal with or raise your voice to is white, and over 18 years of age… if you don’t protests will be held, your life will be threatened, you superior officers will turn against you, elected officials will tisk,  tisk, and say you should have been more patient and handled the situation (they know nothing about it except and excerpt from a cell phone showing only what the person taking it wants you to see) differently. The oppressed segments of the community may call for your resignation or to have charges filed against you because you violated their friend’s or relative’s “rights”. No matter they may be drug addicts or drunks, felons, wife beaters or have a record as long as their arms… they always come out as the poor abused victims

 

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            You know, “I called the police because he was beating me. They showed up and he didn’t like it so he pulled a gun on them and they shot him… those cops need to be fired. I just wanted them to make him quit hitting me, not murder him…” She sues and the city settles out of court (because it’s cheaper than a trial) for a million bucks. She wins. She gets rid of the dirt ball that was beating her, gets a million bucks and gets the cop fired for killing this “poor sweet man who just had a little too much to drink.”

How about showing up for work and responding to a call for a “man with a gun”. You jam to the scene and find this 6’2” 200 pound guy waving what looks like a 45 automatic around. You order him to drop the gun not wanting to have to do the paper work it involves if you shoot the dirt ball, and your partner shows up and tackles the football player sized guy from behind. You breathe a sigh of relief and find out in a few minutes it’s a 16 year old kid with a replica BB gun that looks just like the real thing.

Think you could do this day in and day out? Think you would want to? I doubt it. So the next time you see these bleeding heart liberals whining about the abuse of some dirtballs, who could have just followed police instruction but instead chose to instigate a situation, ask yourself what you would have done and give the cops the benefit of the doubt.

It looks to me like in almost every situation you see the left wing media use for ratings, could have been avoided if those involved just listened and responded to the lawful orders given to them by police officers… THINK ABOUT IT. The “victims” wanted a clash, they wanted trouble for whatever macho reason and they got what they asked for and sometimes more… Boo-hoo.

You don’t want your ass kicked…A cop tells you to do something do it. Film it if you wish and show it to the court or the cop’s boss. Ask for a fight and you deserved to get clubbed, maced, tasered, or shotThese people are trained to fight idiots like you… Duh. Pull a weapon and ignore their commands and they’ll shoot you, center mass, as they were trained  to do. Thinking people understand this; idiots find out the hard way.

Before you whine about this piece walk a mile in their shoes. They take all of this crap from the media and the poor repressed dregs of society and still day after day will respond quickly to save your butt when you need them…  For every bad report you see think about the 10’s of thousands each day where people are saved and peace is restored by these peace officers… So take one to, or buy them lunch when you can and say thanks for being there.

There’s a right way and wrong way to address what you perceive as a police wrong doing. The piece below shows the right way I believe… Document it and report it.

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Glen Campbell Now Sprint Star

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        Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox

He may look like Glen Campbell’s brother but he runs short sprint like a track star…A little after 1pm last Wednesday, when the kids got out of their last day of school, we were taking some of our  grandkids to Asian Garden for lunch when we came to the intersection of H and Lincoln. We heard sirens, pulled over and then the police chief’s unmarked car came rapidly up alongside of us, slowed at the intersection and before he could even cross a full size white, unmarked, Sheriff’s SUV blew by both of us and ran through the intersection without even slowing. Had there been a car legally there it would have been a catastrophe… the rate of speed from the sheriff’s car would have made it impossible for it to stop. Dangerous and stupid plus I’m sure broke some common sense cop laws if nothing else. The sheriff officer was responding to a fight, also at the same time a stolen car was reported and police were also responding to an alarm.

The sheriff’s SUV was reportedly responding to a fight among kids (who by the way were hiding in Asian Garden as it turned out). He apparently just knew it was a fight without any details they were kids.

The point is all hell broke loose with three things happening at the same time and every Dixon police officer and several sheriff’s cars were doing stuff darting all over the northwest side of town.

 

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Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox was less than pleased with the hot rod Barney Fife who blew thru the stop sign and intersection. Moms were picking up kids from the last day of school and usually there’s always a car or kids crossing at that intersection. Speedy sheriff guy was just plain lucky. A panic stop would have wiped out the chief and his car and ours. It was reported to the sheriff and will undoubtedly result in some retraining… That’s’ the way to handle what you perceive as wrong doing on the part of law enforcement. It’s even more effective when you are an elected official and have the police chief as a witness I guess.

But to the chief’s credit, during all of this, he stopped his lunch (he was eating at Asian Garden also) and responded to the stolen car report, blocked off the car from another perusing officer and short chased down the felon on foot) and arrested the 16 year old Sacramento car thief. When he got back to the restaurant (his food was still on the table), where we finally arrived, he was talking to us about everything going on when a guy from inside the place came out and told the chief the seven fighting boys they were looking for were in the restaurant hiding out. So while his lunch was still waiting he called for another officer and they marched the FCA’s out of the restaurant… He short chased a car thief down on foot and caught him… Wow, pretty cool huh when your chief actually gets to (or has to) do some real police work?

 

S.O.S. Had A Couple Of Tough Weeks too…

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            Brian Dolan,  (seen above marching in the May Fair parade with some of his elementary students) Dixon’s Superintendent of Schools, has had a really tough couple of weeks too… He’s supposed to be and educator not a policeman and grief counselor but that’s what he’s had to do with the high school felony cheating scandal one week, $70,000 worth of felony vandalism the next and now the tragic passing of one of his beloved teachers in an automobile accident this past weekend. Heads up Brian, the school year is over and may the new one be better for you and your staff.

 

The Movie Studio that Never Was
A local guy, Bil Paul, has written a book on the big movie studio that never came to Dixon… or anywhere else as a matter of fact. Bill interviewed dozens of people; some who knew what they were talking about and others just blowing smoke. He does a good job of exposing the the billion dollar smokescreen that never was. Along the way he touches on the university and the race track that never was too.

There were people from the get go that knew the promoter was just that and said from the very start … “Show me the money”… which of course she never did. This book will become part of Dixon’s history and is certainly worth reading… you might be in it! You can pick up a copy at  Fisk’s Cyclery, 539 North Adams Street.

2015pd2Something’s Pretty Fishy Here…

 

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            I’ve been telling folks for 30 years about the dangers in eating a lot of fish from Lake Berryessa and/or the delta. A lot of the old timers said, “I’ve been eating those fish all my life…” They are all mostly dead now from one cause or another. The point being with mercury leaching from the mines behind Berryessa and in the industrial pollution from here to San Francisco Bay there are toxins in the waters and you need to be aware of it,

Fish and game has had the warnings in their annual regulations booklet, in small type, buried somewhere within for many years. This year however, they’ve taken the 10 back pages to post warnings about most of the popular fishing spots in the state.

It lists among other things, ”Women 18 to 45 and children 1-17 years should eat “0” servings a week of black bass, white sturgeon or striped bass coming from the delta in this area. The same goes for black bass, catfish, or king salmon coming from Lake Berryessa. This is based on either Mercury or PCB’s in the fish’s meat. Women over 45 an all men should have no more than one serving a week.

Don’t even start… I know, I know, you’ve been eating them all your life… could it be you’ve lost friends or relatives a little too soon because they’ve been the victims of mercury or PCB poisoning…who knew?  The point is, just to be on the safe side don’t feed it to your kids or any women who might want to reproduce. Fish and game doesn’t care about non-breedable women or men that much… Read the booklet, it has all of your favorite lakes in it.

 

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June 6th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #571 (6-5-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 2015j - Copy

For the tens of thousands who fought, and the thousands who gave their lives that day, and the shrinking number of WWII combatants still alive… thank you for the freedoms we now have… June 6, 1944- D-Day.

 

Game Club Meeting, Monday 6 pm

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At 6:30 on Monday you need to step up to the plate and attend the Dixon Game and Conservation Club’s monthly meeting… Fork over your $10 for an annual membership and be part of the game club’s programs.

If you hunt or fish or just enjoy the out of doors your help is needed to keep this 80+ year old local club going strong. If you have kids that are, or will be, into the outdoors you need to join and help out a little only a couple of times a year. This is the group that puts on the annual crab/prawn feed, the annual youth pheasant hunts and holds all of the hunter safety clinics and courses. The club’s membership is dwindling as older members croak and some new blood is needed… The club house is located right behind the post office on Mayes Street. See you there…

 

Dixon, Sure I Know Where That Is…!

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            It happened to me the first time, believe it or not, in Hong Kong. I was there with a Chinese/American business partner, Bob Chang, and we were taking a cab to a business meeting. The apparent former NSCAR driver/cabbie did his usual, “Where you guys from”? We said “California” and he said, “What part?” I said, “The north” and he said, “What part?”  I said, “Between Sacramento and San Francisco”. He said, “Vacaville, Davis?” I said, “No you probably never heard of it… Dixon”. He said, “Sure I’ve heard of it me and my family started the sod business there.” What are the odds huh? Of all the cabs in all the places in the world… how’d we end up in his?

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As Yogi would say, “It was Deja vu all over again” this past weekend when my first wife Linda and her 90 year-old mother were in Indiana visiting their cousins. They were taking a day trip, visiting way the hell and gone, to a little Northern Indiana Amish town by the shore of Lake Michigan. They were at a little candy store in Shipshewana, Indiana called the Victorian Candy Company. Almost the identical conservation to the one above took place with the punch line from the candy salesman being, “Sure I know where Dixon is, I went to school there for a while before we moved to Vacaville.” What are the odds huh?  Of all of the candy stores in this country… how’d she/he end up there?

Are We Nuts?

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               Anybody out there have a calculator that goes out to enough numbers to figure out something for me… please. With the thousands of acres taken out of row crop production and planted in nut trees I’m trying to figure out our water loss.

At least 2,000 acres in this immediate area have been converted in the past year or so. If you average 120 + trees per acre that equals about 240,000 trees. Right so far? I don’t know how many nuts per tree but let’s say, only for the sake of argument, a ridiculous 100 per tree. This is where the big math comes in. How many nuts is that? And, if it takes a gallon of water to produce each nut how many gallons of water is that? And if the nuts take all of our water what will we drink almond milk? And what is this water hogging going to cost us in the long run as supplies dwindle even further? Curious minds want to know… Do You?

PROD Strikes Again

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            You think our city council has some strange ideas about how they are supposed to represent the public take a gander at our neighbors, The People’s Republic Of Davis (PROD). They are now prodding their people on how to raise their children and dictating what they will drink and where. They have already outlined smoking in cars, loud snoring neighbors, and a whole host of laws that can only make us thankful our city council just doesn’t want to let us vote on a stinky issue.

This comes from Davis Enterprise columnist Bob Dunning, May 28, 2015… (Last Tuesday’s city council vote requires the changes below to start Sept. 1) … really!

“It may be painful at first, but my sweetheart and I have decided to pack up our kids and deliver them to City Hall to be raised until they turn 18 years of age by members of the Davis City Council.

After last Tuesday’s vote requiring selected local restaurants to serve milk or water as some sort of “default” drink, it’s clear the council knows a heck of a lot more about raising our kids than we do.

Using the word “Whereas” to start eight straight sentences, the Council decreed that come Sept. 1 “A restaurant that sells a children’s meal that includes a beverage shall make the default beverage offered with the children’s meal one of the following: 1) Water, sparkling water, or flavored water, with no added natural or artificial sweeteners; 2) Milk or non-dairy milk alternative.”

This, of course, creates a conflict of sorts, since on the one hand restaurants are supposed to automatically offer water as a default beverage, while at the same time they are being ordered by the State Water Resources Control Board to never, ever serve customers water unless they specifically request it.

 

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Scofflaw parents can still order soda pop for the kids under Section 17.02.02 (b) that states “Nothing in this Section prohibits a restaurant’s ability to sell, or a customer’s ability to purchase, a substitute or alternative beverage instead of the default beverage offered with a children’s meal, if requested by the purchaser of the children’s meal.”

They will, however, be subject to the “Public Shaming” section of the ordinance that requires all restaurants to snap photos of any parent ordering “alternative” beverages and post them prominently on the city’s new social media site known as the “Wall of Shame.” Soda-ordering parents will also be reported to Child Protective Services.

You should note that 7-Eleven, which sells monstrously large sugar-laced drinks to children of any age, is exempt from this feel-good ordinance that accomplishes absolutely nothing”…

I contacted Bob and asked for his permission to reprint the above and he said, “Sure”. I told him about calling his city PROD and he said, “That’s OK I‘ve been doing that since the 70’s.” This is no joke, once again they are as serious as a heart attack. I am so glad we live on this unenlightened side of the freeway.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Ironically, erectile dysfunction appears to be a growing problem.

 

*Even the worst hangover is over by 5pm… Coincidence?  I think not.

*I hate to be critical, but whoever named them “brownies” really wasn’t trying very hard.

*Once again I’ve failed being a smart-ass.  I told the wife her makeup application just screams “I failed clown college”… sleeping on the couch again.

*Everyone at my funeral will be given a stun gun… the last person standing gets all my stuff.

*My car remote died today… I had to insert the key in the door like some kind of damned animal!

*I predict it’s only a matter of time until “security camera’s of Wal-Mart” becomes a hit reality show.

*I want to live in a world where the food network delivers.

*I don’t understand the point of a “lap dance”… if I wanted a woman to sexually frustrate me and take all my money I’d just stay home.

*The wife can’t find a serving size on the label of a bottle of wine… so she just assumes its one serving.

*Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and destroy lives… and yet women are just allowed to roam about freely.

*”Girls just want to have fun” became a feminist anthem for women in the 1980’s… probably ‘cuz it’s really upbeat and easy to do housework to.

*Well, if you count watching Elmer Fudd singing “kill the wabbit”… then yes, I’ve been to the opera.

*A roadrunner’s top speed is about 20mph while a coyote can reach speeds of up to 43mph… my childhood was a lie!

*It’s only when a mosquito lands on your private parts that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

*If a giraffe could drink coffee it would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Ever think of that… oh hell no, you only think about yourself!

*If you thought you heard 20 minutes of moaning coming from the bedroom this morning… that was just me trying to stand up.

*At some point in life everyone has gambled on passing gas… .and lost.

*Helen Keller walks into a bar… then a table, then a chair.

*I was riding a horse once and its leg broke.  I had to shoot it… everyone on the carousel freaked! 

*Marriage is supposed to be permanent… it’s like a tattoo that yells at you.

*To accurately distinguish between African and Indian elephants you must check their defining trait, the ears… you lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

*Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security… at least it’s the first thing they holler when I approach them!

*Nymphomaniac:  A woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.

*I’ve learned two important lessons in life.  I can’t recall the first one… but the second one is that I need to start writing things down.

*I’ve been hiding from exercise… I’m in the fitness protection program.

*Sleeping in could very easily be my super-power… if not for my arch nemesis, having to pee.

*I’m very good at getting haircuts, going to the dentist or even fighting bulls… just any excuse to wear a cape.

*The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds.

*I was on the commode for so long I finally said to myself… “I’m getting too old for this crap!”

Warning About EBay

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If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. A friend of mine just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger… Bastards sent him a magnifying glass… The only instruction said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

 

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May 30th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #570 (5-29-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Come On Folks… Join Up!

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The Dixon Game and Conservation Club was formed in 1933 in Dixon to promote hunting and shooting sports, support wildlife conservation, and to give the youth in the area a chance to experience  them.

The club sponsors various outdoor activities with the help of grants from the NRA and money raised from their main fund raiser; the Annual Game Club Crab Feed.

Funds raised from that event go towards supplying guns and ammunition for the 4-H shooting sports program, ammunition for the Dixon Clay Busters (a youth trap shooting team) and to purchase birds and other supplies for the yearly Dixon Youth Pleasant Hunt.

It also sponsors and holds several California Hunter Safety classes each year at the club’s location. These classes make it possible fort hunters of all ages to be able to get a California Hunting license. Without a hunter safety certificate you can’t buy a hunting license. It is also important for hunters going out of state. Many states and countries now require a hunter safety certificate where before just proof of a hunting license would suffice.

The club meets the second Monday of the month at 6:30 pm at the game club building on West Mayes St. right behind the post office. The club is currently looking for new members to help them keep the club going and is open to anyone who supports the ideals and goals of the organization, Dues are only $10 a year. You can join by simply coming to the next regular meeting on June 8, 2015 or contact the organization or any member. My family and I plan to do our part to keep this segment of our outdoor heritage alive… you should too.

I took the photo above at one of their youth pheasant hunts.

For additional information contact President, Bob Dohr at 707-580-5803 or via e-mail at: rddohr@gmail.com.

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DHS Physics Lesson The Wet Way,,,

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Kim McGreevey, Physics Teacher at Dixon High School held a walk on water test for her students on Wednesday. Dixon High School held its 13th Annual Walk on Water event, a competition where 100 physics students (juniors and seniors) in 17 groups attempted to successfully walk across the Dixon City Pool by utilizing mechanical projects that they designed and constructed from scratch. The stakes are high as they have a chance to forfeit the final if they make it across the pool in less than two minutes! You know what? Many of the 17 teams entered did! (Look for a story and other photos elsewhere in today’s per. In the photo above I took on Wednesday is John Jordan who is seen making his celebratory jump after completing the course.

 

Really Good Thinking

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*I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!

*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment  …   now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

*Lord,  grant me the  strength  to accept the things I cannot change, the courage  to change  the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

* I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m very         wise.

*My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

*The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

* I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

*When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

*I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

*Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

*Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

*At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

The Pilot and the Priest:

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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘ Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’ The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’  Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’  The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’ Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ ‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.  ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?’ ‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.  ‘When you preached – people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.

 

THESE SIMPLE TRICKS REALLY WORK!!

 

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I checked them out on Snopes and they are for real!

Amazing, simple home remedies:

  1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.
  4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem… and always remember –
  8.  Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.


Questions That Haunt Me!

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*Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

*What disease did cured ham actually have?

*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
*Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
*If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

*Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

*Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

*Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

*Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

*Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

*Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

** And my favorite… The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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May 22nd 2015
That’s Life©1966 #569 (5-22-15

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

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If you can’t explain what Memorial Day is, why it’s a holiday, and how it should be celebrated you shouldn’t get a day off work or school. Hint: It ain’t all about partying.

 

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Linda Hickman is seen at the Dixon’s Sacramento Valley National (Veteran’s) Cemetery visiting her father’s grave site. If you’ve never been there Monday would be a good day to visit and honor those who gave so much for this country… which allows us to have what we have.

 

Here It Comes… Nuts to Cost Us All

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I just brought it up to the city council… Will the 1,000 plus acres of almonds just recently planted by a big consortium end up costing us all one way or another? No sooner said than done. SID, the water supplier for Ag, commercial and regular folks here abouts has just agreed to raise its rates to make up for lost revenue due to the drought.

Almonds begin bearing an economic crop in the third year after planting. Trees reach full bearing five to six years after planting. (See: University of California cooperative extension sample costs to establish an orchard and produce Almonds for interesting information. It is a high water user and high profit business with moderate risk for the grower.)

Since reportedly it takes a gallon of water for each nut finally produced guess who’s hogging water year around meant for your household… and guess who will be paying more because reportedly Oprah, Michael J. and the gobs of others in their business venture need a tax write off for the millions they have invested here. Reportedly they paid some up to $23,000 an acre to plant the lovely rows of trees you now see ranging from here to Vacaville. That plus the years the trees take to return a profit add up to 10’s of millions invested in the rural Dixon area… Good for a few but not so much for the rest of us.

 

Pin-a-Go-Go 2015


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We have volunteered for almost everything in this community at one time or another… but this was a new one for us. The annual pin ball machine charity fund raiser held at the Dixon May Fair grounds for the past 19 years came again… last weekend. For $25 for adults or $12 for kids you could flip your flippers and knock your balls around to your heart’s content for more than an eight hour work day.

They came by the hundreds from the very young, with their own step stools, to senior citizens in with walkers and everything in between.

The crowd was exactly what I pictured Comic-Con would be… sans costumes. We were at the door for four hours and Saturday and got to see everyone who entered through Madden Hall… A line which never stopped while we were there.

The interesting thing is the whole gathering is a volunteer effort and all done for charity. The hundreds of pin ball machines are brought in by volunteers from a multi-state area. Players come from all over the northwest to spend the weekend here playing all three days… Good for the motels, restaurants, etc.  Playing for what you may ask? Nothing. They are playing for the love of pin ball. No prizes, (outside of a little tournament) no nothing but unlimited play on over 300 different pinball machines. The players are stacked sometimes two and three deep waiting a turn to play while they filled both Madden and Denverton Halls.

After out shift we waited in line and played a few games (see my first wife Linda in photo. The other photos are of a small part of the crowd and a little girl playing with her dad) and just walked around marveling at the mixture of the assemblage.

As I said the whole thing is a huge volunteer effort with the proceeds going to organizations supporting youth in Dixon with the Teen Center being the primary beneficiary in the past. One of the volunteer coordinators said, “We will be bring a check to the city council in a July or August with the proceeds” from the three day event… which could be as much as 10’s of thousand s of dollars… all from the ALL volunteer event… They are to be commended and I know the city council will give them proper accolades for their annual effort when they appear at the council meeting.

 

Enjoy This While You Can

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I actually heard people complaining about “how cold it’s been recently”… Really? In a couple of weeks we will be begging for this cool weather to return. The first high 90’s day I should look those folks up and see if they are complaining about the heat. We love this cool weather and cold nights rather unique to this part of the country. The Delta breeze, for which we are thankful, chills us now and cools us when the heat arrives. It’s the nasty north wind we could all do without.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Who’s the guilty one?  A wife is dreaming in bed and wakes up suddenly and shouts. “Quick, my husband is home!”… this awakens her husband who gets up and jumps out the window.

*My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look hot… so I came back drunk.

*Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages… we just want to let them out and play with them.

*There’s a fine line between being a lovable wise ass and a jerk… and I seem to find a way to cross it every day.

*Periods help you learn how to get blood stains out of things… which is why more men seem to get arrested for murder.

*Whoever is in charge of making sure I don’t do or write stupid crap is fired!

*What do women say when they are actually fine?

*Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&” looks like some guy dragging his butt across the floor?

*I took my granddaughter shopping for back-to-school supplies and asked the clerk “what’s a good school binder for my girl here?”  He said, “trapper keeper?”… uh, no, she’s my granddaughter.

*Naming that space movie “gravity” makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like “there’s no dinosaurs in this”.

*My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding… I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

*We’ve recently been selling a lot of anti-bacterial hand wash that promises to kill germs while it moisturizes at the same time… such violence and nurturing from the same product.

*The neighbor girl came home one evening with her shirt on inside out.  When questioned by her mother why her shirt was on wrong she replied, “I think you old folks call it ‘second base’.

*Colin Firth has a younger brother… Colin thecond.

*If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… would you pick me up some beer on your way back?

*I just sprayed ‘fruit scented Febreze’ in my bathroom……now it smells like craprus.

*It’s good to know that if they ever release a lion in Wal-Mart you only have to run faster than the fat lady in the zebra-print pants.

*Popeye teaches us a basic lesson… the best reason to eat healthy is revenge.

*When our cable service goes out I pretend my bed is a boat and play Life of Pi with the damn cat.

*The next time I’m responsible for some horrible disaster that kills thousands of people I’m going to tell the judge I “work in mysterious ways”… just to see how far it gets me.

*John 3:16, mark 3:17, Luke 3:18… it was a really close race. 

*A friend of mine told me an onion was the only food that could make you cry… that was just before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

*I’m telling my grandkids not to do drugs or alcohol, there’s a time and a place for everything… it’s called college.

*I hate it when I offer a friend a sincere, heartfelt compliment on their mustache… and suddenly she’s not my friend anymore.

*A study shows that public speaking is people’s number one fear while death is number two… this means if you go to a funeral you’d be happier in the casket than doing the eulogy.

*Life expectancy would be a great deal longer if vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

*Ice skating is like walking in cursive.

*Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it… chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

*2 out of 3 isn’t bad… unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

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May 16th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #568 (5-15-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns




Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

                                               

*The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, 

I’ll remember it.”

 

Solved The Wrong Way Driver Problem

 

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If the state really wanted to stop the wrong way traffic killers they could in fairly short order by using existing technology. Have you see those one-way spikes in parking garages where you can drive over them to get in, but try to go the other direction and you’ll have your tires punctured and you’ll go nowhere? Instead of spending millions on more signs and lights and stuff that may or may not work…Just install these on all ramps and stop the problem in its tracks.

 

Amgen Race A Half Hour Early

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Although no one but us knows it the world wide bike racing audience was glued to their TV to see the Amgen race go from Sac. through Rio Vista, to Davis, to Woodland and back to Sac…Wait, what happened to Dixon? Mainly you could just see the Bulkley Ranch on TV unless you were waiting in person for the 15 second show to take place. I used to have an old hunting partner where after hours of walking and seeing no game would look over at me and say, “I shaved my legs for this?” Watching the wealthy bike boys race for the gold is something  like that.

Two pictures above were taken in front of our ranch driveway on Liberty Island Rd. by our son Joel and shows grandson Drake with a water bottle one of the riders tossed him as a souvenir. The other shot I took at Bulkley and Midway as the leaders passed. It was a zoo with all of the zooming CHP, motorcycles and chase cars flying by at dangerous speeds. Was all the trouble worth it for the 15 seconds of fame? We thought so… seeing them for the second time in our zip code.

 

Thai Food

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Last week I wrote about the Dixon Chinese restaurant on Pitt School Road, Asian Garden, with a lot of positive response. This week here’s another jewel. Not a football field away is a new Thai restaurant called LeeChao that serves authentic Thai, Laos, Iu Mien foods.

If you know your foods you’ll know what to order. If not, you’ll be like us and ask them what’s spicy (or not) and what they think you would like. We had three different kinds of stuff all of which was good… and different… right here in Dixon. They are over between Century 21 Real Estate and Baskin Robbins, next to the Subway sandwich place. You can call them at 693-4455. They’ve only been in business for a couple of months… Want something different you might give them a try.

 

Fair Livestock Handled By Kids?

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The May Fair was the May Fair, all and all pretty good. But it was the same old- same old…I had people bitch to me about adults finishing their kid’s animals for show and sale… and “Where is Bids for Kids?” Other parents raised the usual annual hell about the absurd amount being paid for some animals and so little for others. Again the popular opinion seems to be no child should be able to get more than the grand champion gets at the auction. Id the grand champion gets $10 a pound no one can sell for more than that… sounds fair to me. You have to admit $20 and $30 a pound for animals is a bit much don’t you think? But… all-in-all a good time was had by most at the old annual hometown reunion.

 

School S.O.S. Is One Of A Kind

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Dixon Superintendent of Schools, Brian Dolan is truly one of a kind. I see him at all kinds of community events and school happenings like ball games etc. He outdid himself on Saturday when he came through the May Fair Parade with on group and went around and came through a second time with the Gretchen Higgins school group singing and dancing the Chicken Song with them… and sweating up a storm. This guy is one of a kind and we’re lucky to have him.

 

 

Drought Pools and Nut Trees
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I brought up to the city council my concern about a huge consortium buying up over 1,000 local acres and planting wall to wall nut trees. Supposedly it takes a gallon of water to produce one almond. This big multi-million dollar business is set to suck a lot of our water from SID while we prepare to cut out consumption by about 30 per cent… even though Dixon has reduced its usage by tremendous amount in the past few years. I seem to be the only one concerned about this… Doesn’t quite seem fair does it? It’s not local folks but big super stars and many others investing their chump change for either a tax write off or to make many more millions off our land and water…while we are forced to conserve…Go figure.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Found a cockroach over in the corner lying on his back dead… so I put a cocktail umbrella next to him and now he looks like he’s tanning.

*That macabre series “1000 ways to die” is so unrealistic… there’s no episode where a man asks a woman “what’s wrong?”

*No, thank you, marriage… if I wanted to ruin my sex life I’d just start wearing crocs.

*$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that would be a great name for my baby!”

*A snail can sleep for up to three years… I never thought it was even possible to be this jealous.

*If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t refer to her poop as “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a real opportunity to be considered awesome.

*As I’ve grown older I thought it was good that I have become more tolerant and accepting… Then I realized it’s just because I don’t give a crap.

*Who called it a “Spanish teacher” instead of an “instruction Manuel”?

*Good evening everyone and welcome to AA.  Remember this is a judgment free zone… except for Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

*Everyone made fun of me for buying this government surplus flame-thrower… but at least I’m not going to be wasting my weekend shoveling snow.

*If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boy band called “New Testament” I’m going to give up on everything. 

*I’m a man trapped outside a woman’s body.

*As newlyweds we would “role play” from time to time.  She would dress up as a school teacher… and call my mom to tell her I’d eaten all the crayons again.

*Apparently this meth addict only brushes her favorite teeth.

*McDonald’s could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold.

*I met my wife while on a vacation… which was really quite awkward as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

*If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would probably win that ridiculous celebrity couple nicknaming game with “portmanteau”.

*She said that the key to having a successful marriage was making sacrifices… so I threw her into a volcano.

*If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn that annoying R2-D2 into a bong.

*The best thing about sitting next to the old derelict wino on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted.

*Be very careful to always put your condom on properly… you don’t want to rubber the wrong way.

*About six weeks ago I gave this really beautiful girl my phone number and she said she’d text me when she got home… she must be homeless.

*There’s only one thermostat at work. I’m in a t-shirt and contemplating removing my pants… and all the women are rubbing 2 pencils together attempting to start a trash fire. 

*I realized I was maybe not the best listener… when a friend had to come out to me twice.

*Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a GI Joe doll… put in the microwave on high for 10 minutes.

*Why is it that the people who drink the most Red Bull happen to be the ones with the least going on?

*There is a vas deferens between having children and not having children!

*There are people who believe global warming is a man-made phenomenon.  Of course it is… it’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the titanic survivors seeking revenge on that iceberg.

*What are people who stay in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

*I asked a girl to kiss me under the mistletoe… she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

 

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May 8th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #567 (5-8-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

*Daylight saving time has been defined as the practice of setting clocks ahead one hour in the spring in order to make it easier for people in 1918 to tend to their crops.

 

Ess This Tet Heekman?…

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…”Ees dis Tet Heekman to whom I am speeking”?

I finally got the call I’ve waiting for from “Kevin Johnson from the IRS”. (I wondered what Kevin did when he wasn’t selling real estate.)

“Kevin” who was quite apparently working from a broiler room in India said I was in trouble with the IRS and they were going to give me a chance to straighten things out. He kept giving me his name, his employee number and the case number (at least three times) to establish credibility

He said they had sent legal notices to my home on three occasions and had a “picture” of my home to prove no one was home when the package was supposed to be delivered (Goggle Earth?). WTF?

He asked if we had a tax attorney and I told him we did and then asked if we had a criminal attorney and I said no. He again emphasized the fact we were in serious trouble and had ignored three attempts by the IRS to contact us by mail and they had proof we were not at home to accept the communication.

I played along wanting to see how this scam would end since I’ve heard so much about it but I blew it half way through… and my last wife Linda figured out where I went wrong.

My good buddy and “helper” Kevin (who you could tell was reading a scripted message) wanted to make sure I knew the call was legit so he kept giving me his employee number so if I had any questions or complaints I would know to whom I was talking. Except for the background noise and heavy Indian accents the whole ploy was very believable… except for the fact everyone had a thick Indian accent… Not that the real IRS maybe doesn’t outsource its business to India… but they don’t make house calls for collections.

It just so happens we have Russ Parkman a CPA and tax attorney who does our tax stuff so we knew we were in decent shape. I told them we had a tax attorney and that didn’t make a dent, they wanted to know if we had a criminal attorney. This is where I blew it…

Kevin asked to put me on hold while he got his supervisor because our case was so important and time was a big issue and hinted the IRS was coming to get us shortly but they could save us. He put us on hold and there was a strange silence… I mean dead quiet air. He came back and said his supervisor would be with us shortly, and again really dead quiet air. The supervisor came on and asked for us to hold again and again really dead quiet air. During the hold I was talking to Linda and we were laughing with my joy that I finally got the call. The supervisor came back on and said, “Who is Leenda, tis dat yor wife?” I said yes. She then said, “What tis so funny?”  I said, “I was just telling her a joke how did you know we were laughing?” Dumb move on my part she hung up. It was Linda that figured out they have a very sensitive listening device and when you are on hold they can figure out the level of sucker you are… I blew it but you should be aware of any calls that put you on hold, they can be listening to your whole room and discover things you may not want them to know… Scary huh? BTW… The IRS doesn’t call you.

Once again don’t respond to anything over the phone. Don’t mail in or give money, CC numbers, SSN, etc. to anyone from the internet or from a phone call. Ask these dirtballs to send you a hard copy request in the mail and you will consider it. Just say as we do, “We don’t do any business over the phone… Mail it or forget it.” They have forgotten it 100% of the time.

 

May Fair Underway, Parade and Bike Race!

The annual Dixon May Fair started yesterday (Thursday) and runs through Sunday (Mother’s Day). If you haven’t gone before, go… it’s one of the few remaining old time fairs with carnies, rides, vendors, livestock auction and entertainment along with arts, crafts, flowers and photo exhibits. Take the kids and spend the day. The fair board, Pat the manager and their crews have worked hard to put on a good time once again this year.

The May fair Parade starts about 10 am on Saturday morning in beautiful downtown Dixon. It lasts a couple of hours and has bands, floats, horses, kids, etc. If you haven’t been, go, take the kids and join the thousands who attend free every year. Get there a little early to get a street side seat and bring a chair, sunscreen, hats and stuff.

If all of this isn’t enough the world famous Amgen Bike Tour will come through rural Dixon from Rio Vista on the way to Davis on Sunday morning with 144 of the world’s top professional bikers riding 126.2 miles in about five hours or so.

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The race starts at 10:50 in downtown Sacramento and goes down the River Road out of West Sac to Rio Vista, across the bridge to Hwy 12, and down 12 to highway 113 headed towards Dixon. They come our way to Hwy 113 & Binghamton Rd. (about 2 pm) and turn east and go to Liberty Island Rd, and continue north on to Bulkley Rd. (at Midway) (about 2:30) and then on to Tremont to Mace Blvd and through Davis over to Woodland and back to the state capitol. I’d be early just in case they are faster than projected and be prepared to see the whole 140+ riders wizz by in a mater of seconds… but its worth it to watch at least once in your life… since its this close to home and its free, why not?.

 

Asian Garden Trashed By Local Web Site

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I’ve eaten at Chinese restaurants all over the world including China, Hong Kong and Taiwan and they are all the same. They smell the same and look about the same. The style of food differs depending on the region that brought the cooks but everything else is very much alike. You like their style or you don’t.

You like it you go back, you don’t, you don’t.

Asian Garden located at 1145 Pitt School Rd. (678-3638) was recently trashed on a web site for supposedly serving a guy a huge dragonfly type bug in his food. He took the meal home and brought it back on another plate and screamed profanities at one of the female helpers then went on an internet rant bent on hurting this long time local business.

The ladies that work there tried to accommodate him but reportedly he was just rude and abusive. He made such a big deal out of it that it has hurt their business through rumors and innuendos with second and third hand stories.

All I can tell you is we’ve eaten there almost weekly for years and have found nothing but the highest quality food and service and have never even heard someone complain except for getting meals crossed or something minor like that. The good looking sisters, Van and Cam (that’s Cam in the photo with Linda on Wednesday) work a lot of days and a lot of hours and try to make everyone happy all of the time. Chinese by their nature are not that outgoing or gregarious but the ladies do try to always be friendly and polite.

The moral of the story is: If you haven’t eaten there ever, try it. If you haven’t been there for a while go again and take some friends. If their food is anything but really good let me know… and the prices and food amounts are the best in the area too! They are open for lunch and dinner seven days a week and have take out too… Its located on Pitt School Road right across the street from the new liquor store.

 

More Things For Thought

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*I think I must have Alzheimer’s … I can’t remember when I asked for your opinion.

*Have you ever noticed how in a new relationship your stomach always hurts?  This isn’t due to nerves or butterflies or anything… it’s caused by holding your farts in.

*I wish I could trade my heart for another liver… that way I could drink more and care less.

*I know what women want. They want to be romanced into the bedroom and placed on the bed while you do dirty… dishes and they can take a nap.

*Never ask a pregnant woman “do you know the sex?”… Obviously she knows about sex, she’s pregnant you ignorant fool!

*My 12-year old granddaughter wouldn’t drink out of my glass because she “didn’t want my DNA”… should I tell her?

*The cashier at Whole Foods asked me if I had my re-usable grocery bag… are you kidding?  At $6 a peach you should drive them to my house and make the cobbler for me!

*There’s nothing more sorrowful than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table… and he realizes its lettuce.

*Male pattern baldness is a condition, which, if left untreated, usually results in a new Corvette.

*If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes” … she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

*Let’s do something we’ll both regret in the morning… let’s order KFC for dinner.

*Whoever named them “sugar cookies” really could have put just a tad more effort into it.

*”U” is the 21st letter in the alphabet… and by the year 2019 will be the correct spelling of the word “you”.

*Jonestown was proof-positive that the worst thing in Kool-Aid isn’t always the refined sugar.

*Hmmm, turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

*If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink wine you’re an amateur… and it will be difficult for us to be friends.

*I’ve decided to add “extensive experience in dealing with exceptionally stupid people” to my resume… that has got to be a marketable skill. 

*The infamous “they” says money talks… but mine just waves good-bye.

*The wife refuses to ride with me because of my “risk-taking behavior”… such as opening a beer with the seat belt buckle when driving.

*On reflection, allowing Buddy, my golden lab to watch the end of “Old Yeller” may not have been such a good idea.

*Well, I guess winters officially over.  One of our “stranger” customers just came in and told us she’d shaved her legs for the first time this year… and then made a donation to “Locks of Love”.

*”LAZY” is just such an ugly word… I think I prefer the term “selective participation”.

*Fifty shades of grey is only considered romantic ‘cuz the guy is a billionaire… if he’d lived in a trailer park it would have been an episode of criminal minds.

*An older woman just told me I looked just like her late husband… I’m hoping she meant while he was alive.

*I’m thinking my life might have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters back in the 80’s.

*Racist remarks coming from a frat house… now I’ve seen it all!

*How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb… just Juan.

*People used to be much smaller.  Before WWII people were several inches shorter than now.  In medieval times people were about the size of Hobbits… Moses must have been the size of a cat.

*My dad would swear and then say “pardon my French”… one day my fourth-grade teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.  

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May 3rd 2015
That’s Life©1966 #565 (5-1-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

 

A thought for the day…“If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles are aphrodisiacs, within 10 years they’ll have all disappeared.”

 

Quarto de` Mayo

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            The big holiday around here is Quarto de` Mayo which just happens to be my first wife Linda’s 39th birthday…She always dresses up in preparation for the next day anti-climactic Cinco de` Mayo. Following that is the Dixon May Fair sans Bid for Kids so I’ve heard, followed closely by the annual fund raising pin ball thingy at the fairgrounds. Stripers should still be hitting, sturgeon are being caught and it’s about time for the Kokanee bite to start at Berryessa.

Another IV columnist, Fred Vanderwold and I went pig hunting last weekend. Fred had never shot a pig…and still hasn’t.

You know anyone who needs some help on wild-de-pigging let Fred (or me) know. We had some great views from atop the Vaca foothills between Vacaville and Fairfield, saw some pigs at about 800 yards and drove the four wheelers (way up and way down) for about six hours. Saw deer, some bear poop (yep they do in the woods) a lot of pig rooting and rubs and at times hunted above the low clouds on Saturday. We were able to see to Rio Vista and the windmills, Lake Curry, to the Carquinez Bridge, etc. That’s it, that’s all I know except for some city council crud I really didn’t want to write about.

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School Board Demands Servitude?

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            At tax time the subject came up why, after 17 years of service and paying mandatory union dues to SEIU, she received no retirement benefits from them. I called the school and found out the school mandates (through a board approved MOU) that all classified employees must belong to the union to work for the district? WTF? You MUST join a union that we figure Linda paid thousands of dollars into and got absolutely nothing in return.  All of the employees we’ve talked to felt the same way. They feel they should have a right to belong to the union if they choose but it shouldn’t be a mandate/condition for employment for a taxpayer paid position. If I were a district employee I would sure as hell ask the school board who it is they work for and represent, and tell them to change the MOU to encourage people to join the union if they wish but NOT MAKE IT MANDATORY. Anyhow for all of the thousands of dollars Linda was forced to pay in she got and gets ZERO back… such a deal. I think I’ll ask the board for an MOU to make all employees pay into the TEDsunion for half price of the SEIU and I’ll provide the same services… I can take hard earned money and do nothing in return with the best of them.

What brought this about is I was notified that I am to get retirement benefits of a pension from the UFCW for my years as a member. They represent a lot of the same folks SEIU does… curious huh?

Before you paid union heads start to whine and cry and try to justify good living you have made off of the sweat labor of others… Just remember…those that say they care mostly are under your thumb… no one else cares about your liberal, self serving public PR crap… so whine away.

 

City Council Conundrum

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               I really don’t like writing about the city council because I don’t want the other members disliking me more than they already do… I want to work with them, really I do. But sometimes you just gotta let folks know what’s going on. For instance the council spent a lot of your money for legal help to re-write an ordinance that was ok the way it was and now not only makes no sense, but is pretty much unenforceable. They changed the city’s leash law to say dogs can no longer be at heel and all must be only a leash… a 100 yard leash if you want, they just have to be on a “leash”. Huh? Yep and it cost a bundle to make this stupid change.

Now they are spending even more in legal fees (at like a zillion dollars an hour) to once again re-write the bum ordinance that was prefect when first presented. The city attorney did a good job. We copied it from Vacaville and let them pay their attorneys to make sure it would float… But the mayor and his majority are more concerned about; get this, “First Amendment Rights” of the bum people to have the right of free speech. They are more concerned with the rights of two or three beggars than the will of the majority WHO DON’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY THESE FOLKS… Why? You got me unless it was because I brought the matter up.

Now to go from the ridiculous to the sublime… the other action they took was to not support another First Amendment right of free press and jury rigged  a mandatory yearly bid for legal advertising so only the (not locally owned) Dixon Tribune could bid on the business. I suggested they change the bid request wording to say in order to be eligible you must be the Dixon Tribune because it never says anything bad about us… But they wouldn’t go for it. To a man my four other elected buddies on the council hate this newspaper, hate former councilman/vice mayor Mike Ceremello, dislike publisher, Dave Scholl and only put up with me because they  have to… Woe is me… a stranger in a strange land rule by personal feelings, censorship and little objectivity.

 

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The point of all this is they are picking and choosing (all four of them) what parts of the constitution they chose to obey. We all swore to defend and uphold the whole constitution. They are arguing for free speech for bums and demanding the city ignore the only locally owned and operated newspaper this city has without even giving it what would appear to be an even chance at getting the city’s legal ad business.

I pleaded with them saying I knew in the end they wouldn’t give this newspaper any business but for the sake of supposed objectivity, and to look like we were upholding our oaths… make it an open, fair bid and then chose the Tribune to pay them back for not writing bad stuff about them… They shot it down by a 4-1 vote… Surprise! Everything I’ve said here is documentable by watching a tape of the meeting (with just a little embellishment on my part) but the facts are true facts. Don’t they know their poll numbers are dropping every time they do things like this, or don’t they plan on running for office again?

 

Still More Things For Thought

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*How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.

*It never inspires a lot of good feeling when the nurse enters the pre-op prior to a circumcision and tries to calm the nervous patient with “it won’t be long now!”

*There’s talk of doing a remake of the classic Charlton Hesston movie “Ben-Hur”… I would suggest they call it “Ben-Hur, done that”.

*A truck just flipped a squirrel up onto my windshield and now it’s stuck in my wiper… guess I don’t have to stop to get dinner tonight.

*If you see someone wearing camouflage go ahead and bump into them… it only takes a second of your time and it makes them feel like it works.

*The news said there are 30,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Sacramento for a conference… so I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

*I’m going to change my career emphasis and go into farming… I’ve had a desire to get into the field for years.

*Can you imagine what the first person that watched the sunset thought “well, this can’t be good.” 

*If I were a physician and a patient notified me his erection lasted more than four hours I’d resent the little showoff… four hours?  Keep it to yourself!

*How did the butcher introduce his wife… meet Patty!

*Thesaurus for sale… brand new, current, modern, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried, contemporary.

*I’ve been seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola… so they’ll clean my house.

*Fitness tip: Set up a regular workout schedule that’s easy to keep up with… for example I work out once every four years on the way home from voting for president.

*If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

*When I asked this weird homeless guy what he was doing in my front yard he just kept repeating “one man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet.”

*I’m trying to think of something clever to say about unemployed people… but it needs more work.

*Never goose a ghost… you may get a handful of sheet.

*Have you ever noticed…? ”Strap on” spelled backwards is “no parts”.

*The FAA raised the retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65… Now the pilot and the in-flight meal can be the same age.

*Don’t you find it odd that when the health fanatics preach drinking eight glasses of water a day it seems impossible… but eight beers is a snap!

*I found three French fries inside my $1-menu Mcdouble… dream big, anything is possible!

*I tricked a woman into sending me naked photos by claiming I was doing a “breast perception study”… she’s a real boob.

*I carry a large stone around with me to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before thanksgiving… I call it my jingle bell rock.

*Sorry for nicking your car with my door but you didn’t leave much room… it’s a small scratch/dent so I circled it with my key so you wouldn’t miss it.

*I really wouldn’t want to be adopted by a lesbian couple but not because I’m homophobic… I just don’t want to get caught up in an endless loop of “go ask your mother.”

*Purse snatching… a good way to pick up a few extra bucks while getting a good cardio workout.

*Why do people call the deceased “late”… they aren’t late.  They’re not coming.

*Most monkeys don’t really like bananas… they’re just being suggestive.

*I thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl by doing a little Elvis… I swear it’s the last time I’ll sing “you ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog”.

*”America’s most wanted” is coming back to TV next season……..with an NFL edition.

 

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