December 18th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #758 (12-14-18)* (758 straight weeks- that’s over 14 years and over 1 million words)

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas update

We’re actually looking pretty good for our 50th + year… Santa’s all set and his local crew is assembling. We’re doing good on toys for Santa’s Workshop but we have a need a few for both boy’s and girl’s size s 4 through 10’s in coats, for the “Coats for Kids” program.… Other than that we will be setting up on the 14 and 15th with wrapping taking place on the 16th. All daily activities except Santa’s actual workshop start at 10 am each day, and we go until we can go no more or the job is done. Food of course is always an issue and all “Food for Families” donations can be taken to the Cornerstone Church Food Pantry on Cherry Street, which works in conjunction with us on the food and senior programs. For receiving larger donations or information you can call Monica at 405-365-4455

The “Senior Christmas Eve Visitation Program” is set for Christmas Eve starting at 4:30 with deliveries but setting up and putting the baskets together starting at 10 a.m. All external donations for the senior baskets must be received by Christmas Eve morning and come in increments of 125 (or double if you want each to have two).

iy powerless position on the  Dixon city council. Most Dixon residents don’t know or care about the outcome of the recent city council election; Scott Pederson kept his seat and I lost mine both due to the new “districting” we now have,  which took away the city as a whole to elect its council members. Only the mayor’s seat is now decided by everyone. According to longtime residents (who are not thrilled about not having a say in their city government anymore, my election numbers would have been drastically different with the whole city making the decision instead of just one-quarter of the population. Not that it may have changed the outcome but the skewed numbers would certainly have shifted… Be that as it may the 99 percent won’t even know there’s been a change on the council. And they won’t notice as shift from conservative to liberal majority until they start seeing minor little votes that will be both costly and unsettling in the long run.

So I lost my position on the Dixon City Council…

Recent Local Election Results

I‘m guessing 99 per cent of newer Dixon residents don’t know or care about the outcome of the recent city council election; Scott Pederson kept his seat and I lost mine both due to the new “districting” we now have,  which took away the city as a whole to elect its council members. Only the mayor’s seat is now decided by everyone. According to longtime residents (who are not thrilled about not having a say in their city government anymore, my election numbers would have been drastically different with the whole city making the decision instead of just one-quarter of the population. Not that it may have changed the outcome but the skewed numbers would certainly have shifted… Be that as it may the 99 percent won’t even know there’s been a change on the council. And they won’t notice as shift from conservative to liberal majority until they start seeing minor little votes that will be both costly and unsettling in the long run.

So I lost my powerless position on the council which now strengthens my voice in the news media. Believe it or not I was somewhat constrained being a councilmember because I thought it was the right thing to do. I know what goes where and why but I am not going to ghost the council or its meetings. When I’m in, I’m in and when I’m out…and I’m out.

But… The election is over and my “district” elected my opponent, Jim Ernest by a wide margin. My “district” was created by what now appears to be a surgically sliced and diced method which, on purpose or not, deprived me of the vast majority of my decade’s long supporters and replace it with a district filed with millennials, bedroom commuters and yuppies. This is not sour grapes but a statement of fact. Regardless, Jim won, I lost. He was the right person, in the right place at the right time…That’s politics.

I had been elected by the entire city four different times in four different decades when all citizens had a say in who they wanted to represent them…that was then this is now… only the mayor’s position is now elected at large by everyone, the rest of you have to deal with what quarters of the city (there’s four districts) want to represent them. That being said, I don’t think many understand the way local city government really works.

There are four powerless council members and one mayor and the council itself elects a back-up vice mayor. The council as a whole sets policy and it’s up to the city manager to carry out their policy decisions; right or wrong… It takes at least three votes to make anything happen. The council itself only hires and fires the city manager and city attorney.

The day-to-day business of the city is run by its CEO (city manager, Jim Lindley) and managed by the board of directors so to speak (the city council). As a council member I had a one-fifth say in what happened and needed at least two more votes to make anything happen. At most, a small handful of people ever watched the televised meetings,  and even fewer are ever in the audience… and no newspaper covers the meetings to any degree so no one really knows what was said, who said it, or what the hell is going on. I was just one lone voice in the government quagmire who did the job he was paid to do. Unlike the rest of the council, thousands of people hear my “other” voice each week through my newspaper column and web site (www.tedhickman.com)…which does carry some weight and is unrestricted.

The paid city council positions are held in high esteem by some but as an individual councilmember you actually have no power and no voice…and neither does the mayor in reality. No one councilmember can order to any city employee (including the city manager) to do  anything or really even talk to individual city employees without facing possible ramifications from any of the five unions involved in city business. We have a city management form of government.

The past four years have been the most productive in the city’s history (in my opinion and from my five decades of being involved on the council and following city government as a reporter) in actually getting things done from talk to fruition. Just look around the city and the outskirts and you’ll see the council handiwork very apparent in public safety, new business growth, handling the new pot issues, etc. and doing all of this with a balanced budget. They city manager,  for the most part has made good choices in hiring and the city attorney has earned his keep by giving good guidance and keeping the taxpayers safe from catastrophic financial damages. Monday morning quarterbacking is a specialty of a few of the regular meeting attenders and critics as it is with some council members…But on this recent council we just got a lot of things done, and still had a balanced budget…I know I repeated myself, but think about all that’s gone on and the complexities involved and still be able to balance the taxpayer’s books. This is all good stuff and I can’t see why it won’t continue, just building on the solid base we created.

You now have a city government made up of a mechanic for Mayor who knows how to fix things and get things done, a former Dixon police command officer, a minor bean counter (now vice-mayor) who can’t help giving sermons from the mounted dais in a condescending way and an immature man- child who is a puppet and parrot for his vindictive mommy and radical fiscal conservative step-father…With this election the council has shifted from conservative traditional “family values” oriented group to liberal majority. Three of this new council publicly embraced, accepted and supported the LGBTQ-WTF? platform with the minor bean counter welcoming and encouraging them all to come to Dixon .I feel sorry for Jim, the karate teacher, taking over my seat, for not only the monumental problems he’s facing but he has to put up with the bi-weekly preaching of Scott the Bean counter (and now the new vice-mayor), and De-Von, the disrespectful, apologetic cyber sniper, power hungry (but mostly ignored), young puppet…But, Better poor Jim to take this crap than me… maybe you can tell… Now the gloves are off.  

 

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December 2nd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #756 (11-30-18 (756 straight weeks- that’s over 14 years and over 1 million words)

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 755 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

You tell me!

Just when you think you’ve about seen it all… up pops something new and unexpected. Entering our 52nd year heading the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs part of our group went to our storage area last week to inventory our toy situation. In doing do we pulled out cases of candy canes we had stored. We go through between 500 and 1,000 a year. I looked in one of the cases and noticed on box, in one case, looking strange, opened it by piercing the plastic covering and to my amazement this is what I found. Somehow ants, there were only a few around in the big box/case, go into the shrinked wrapped candy cane box and got inside a couple of the shrinked wrapped candy canes and somehow ate the whole cane leaving only an exoskeleton of what was… I tasted one of the survivors and they were fine. No moisture, no dried up candy, no nothing…Can someone tell me how this was possible?

I’d like someone to explain to me how this is possible. I can’t even get into the damned shrink wrapped candy canes myself sometimes without cutting an opening. As the picture shows both ends were still sealed and only saw tiny slit in the upper part of one wrapper was visible.

What, they bit a slice hole, got in and somehow chomped or licked their way through a half dozen shrinked wrapped canes?

…and speaking of Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs Inc. We could use you help. We need money, coats, toys and food (food can be delivered to the Cornerstone Church on Cherry Street which helps with distribution of our “food for families” program,  and you can call Monic at 405-365-4455 (for time and directions to drop off donations). She also chairs our Senior Christmas Eve visit program at …She’s also the one to call if you know any seniors who will be alone on Christmas Eve .

Aaron Rodgers… One thing good in the NFL

The NFL as most know has gone downhill faster than and fumble on an icy Green Bay Field. But, The quarter back of the Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers, a Chico Native, last week gave $1,00,000 (one million) to the “Camp” fire relief fund. Not one other multi-millionaire football, basketball or baseball players or billionaire owners, has stepped up to the plate to this degree, at least to anyone’s knowledge… This is simply disgusting. The pro athletes egos know no bounds and outside of a few photo ops when they do a minor community things they just take and take and refuse to give anything back… the Niners brought the Paradise football players to a game as did the Kings for the basketball players… but they still had no home when they returned. They may be zillionaires but karma is karma and their multi-millions can’t save them from the big K… We can only sit back, wait and watch and then laugh as each one eventually receives back what they have sowed; zilch, besides drug, alcohol and spousal abuse… They should be ashamed but their stupid victory sissy dances after doing what they are over paid to do shows they have no shame… Just a bad case of over inflated egos… but with that being said a bright light appeared out of nowhere and a senior citizen from Southern California came up to northern California and personally handed out about one Million dollars in the form of $1,000 checks to every student from Paradise plus teachers and school employees…what a neat thing to do. It didn’t solve any problems but it sure made the kids a little happier, for a while at least.

From the Email bag…

Mr. Hickman (Ted): My name is James (Jim) Boyes  I remember when you worked at the Dixon Tribune as Editor (1966-1973).

Do you remember Fred Dunnicliff (yes worked for him for eight years and he brought us to Dixon)? I’m guessing he has passed away by now, yes again

You have my complete double thumbs-up on your “Straight Pride American Month” column. I can’t imagine why so many folks pulled their rip-cords, after reading the piece. 

I used to drop by the shop and hang out with the printers in back and watch them publish the paper, and other print shop products. I remember buying sunflower seeds and giving them to Fred as a small bribe, so he’d let me hang out and watch the whole publication process.  I also remember hearing about your so-called “controversial” editorials, in the late 1960s.

I lean to the right, and it seems you do, as well.

I was 11 or 12 years old, back then. My Dad, Allen Boyes, worked out at the Navy Radio Station [NavRadSta (T) Dixon], Southeast of Dixon. After Dad transferred to South Korea, our family moved into town, on West A Street.

I attended East Dixon Sr. Elementary School, the year was 1969, the same year the press broke down, and the paper had to be printed in Davis, while the printing press was repaired. I can also remember watching Fred and others type out articles on the old line-o-type machines. I think they had at least two of those. Pretty ancient tech compared to today’s publishing methods.

Here’s a photo of me, taken back then, from my school yearbook:

James A. Boyes; East Dixon Sr. Elementary “Cougars”   You (Bill Schroeder) can contact him @ (James Boyes <jim@ceanet.net) 

More Things For Thought! 

*He phrase “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”… describes every suggestion I’ve ever made to my wife.

*I know it’s old fashioned but I think it’s important to be with someone who’s saving themselves for marriage, not for any sexist puritanical reasons… just her having any basis for comparison works against me.

*I could never be a stripper… because I fall over way too much trying to get my pants off.

*As a result of the large Hispanic population in town were making the community Thanksgiving celebration even more festive by having several piñatas… some filled with mashed potatoes and gravy.

*My colon is a lot like one of the drive-thru windows at a fast-food place… a quick in, then out.

*I went to Big Lots on black Friday and handed the manager my $100 gift card. She gave me the keys to the store.

*I hate it when I pack for an extended trip early… and then for the next week prior to departure am forced to wear the second tier underpants.

*I got one of those anti-bullying wristbands today which is something I feel strongly about… I took it off some fat little red-headed kid with glasses at the park.

*Tip: try to avoid prostitutes that are “just in it for the money”.

*A sandwich tastes better when someone else makes it… just like a person seems much more attractive when someone else is putting up with their crap.

*Foods that are healthy and make me live longer… make me not want to live longer.

*To damper down the Thanksgiving enthusiasm remind everyone that the turkey’s name was Claude… he was a Virgo, had a talent for playing the piano, was 2 weeks from retirement and had a wife, 3 kids and 12 grandkids.

*I love chicken fried steak… but it’s just so hard to find a chicken that can cook.

*I discovered it’s frowned upon… to bring beer to a search party; who knew?

*I’ve decided to freeze some of my sperm so if something should happen to go wrong later in life… I can stab my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

*I got so tired of arguing with the wife I just threw myself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

*A guy said he climbed Mt. Everest “because it was there!”… I personally think the reason for performing such a strenuous and monumental task should be different than the reason why I ate a whole gallon of ice cream.

*Opinions subject to change without notice… women.

*Apparently I retired from my job to find my true calling… now I walk around the house turning off lights, flushing toilets and turning down the thermostat.

*KFC actually stands for Kentucky Fried Cardiovascular disease.

*Due to the percentage of water they contain almost all living things including humans… are technically sauces.

*A terrible example of “mansplaining” was in the movie Ghost when even though Demi Moore was a professional potter and Patrick Swayze had no training and was dead…..he still tried to help her “work”.

*”Men are such liars!”… Said the chick in the heavy make-up, false eyelashes and padded, push-up bra!

*It is said we only use about 10% of our brains capacity… which means we are left with a whopping 90% to use sopping up beer, tequila and Netflix!

*The Bread Shop may have stayed in business and actually been profitable if they had stuck with the original name “Rolling in Dough”… instead of changing it to the “Yeast Infection Connection”.

*Geese are the reincarnated souls of people who worked their whole lives… at the customer service desk.

*And the genie said, “Ok. Now, wish #2” and the wife said “bigger!”  “Ok. Wish #3?”, and the wife said “yet, bigger!”… And the genie replied, “Wow! That’s the biggest walk-in closet I’ve ever seen!”

*I bet no one can really tell if a snapping turtle hates jazz.

*What U-Haul really means:  U-cheap, U-won’t hire professional movers, U-bribed your friends with pizza and beer.

*Pretty easy to see we’re close to the holidays… Walmart has strategically placed the cold sore medication in the same aisle as the mistletoe.

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November 17th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #754 (11-16-18)* (752 straight weeks- that’s over 14 years and over 1 million words)

Posted under That's Life Columns

(752 straight weeks- that’s over 14 years and over 1 million words)

 

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 753 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

One last Oklahoma shot of the sunrise

And rare Elk herd on Election morning

 

After our deer hunt last week in Oklahoma and on the way to the airport on election day last Tuesday, our eldest son, Trey took this photo of a rare elk herd at sunrise. He took it on his phone and it’s not altered. We had seen the herd the day before miles away from this spot. Just a pretty photo huh?

 

 

For all of you who have been asking…Here’s the info on the only meeting we will have for all of the Dixon TFT’s community Christmas Programs. If interested in helping please attend or send a representative to the meeting. See volunteers above sorting through supplies for this year

The Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs, Inc.  announced the only annual organizational meeting time and place. The meeting will be held on this coming Tuesday, November 20, 2018 at the Dixon Fire Department on Ford Way at 6:30 p.m. See additional story on Page 1.

The 50th informational meeting of this 501C-3 organization will also be a general board meeting to set the year’s work and time schedules.

Just wondering…?

  1. Why can’t law enforcement, national guard, whoever, shoot looters? They are the bottom of the bottom scumbags in riots and disasters. People are losing everything they’ve ever had including loved ones, pets and prized possessions in the fires and these low life scum dirt bags sneak in and try to steal things. They should be shot on sight, no arrests, and no courts, no quarter. Same thing goes for those shooting at or hurting any law enforcement officers. What the hell is wrong with our weapons training when they wound the shooter and they end up in the hospital…Kill the bastards, shoot center mass like you were trained to do and keep shooting until you see no more movement… and save everyone time, expense and anguish and keep them from becoming a repeat offended after the court system sets them free.

  1. Speaking of fire arms and shooting sprees by some weird malcontent who was insulted as a child or some such crap. Kill or at least shoot them before they can do mass shootings. How you may ask? The libtard gun control freaks need to get their heads out of whatever orifice it’s in and look at the facts. In any of the recent shooting had anyone been present had a concealed weapon permit, and been carrying they could have intervened while waiting for law enforcement to show. To get a permit you have to go through a radical background check, a training class, qualify, and show you know how to use your weapon and fire it in front an instructor and then you get a license to carry a concealed weapon. These are they people I want near me or mine if some loonie starts shooting instead of some tree hugger whining about too many guns…Yep, there are too many guns and they aren’t going away and there won’t be less, there will be more…so why not give the good guys the right to carry a firearm… and like they did recently in Texas, CCW folks stopped a shooter Before law enforcement could arrive, saving lives. In each recent case a CWP holder could have saved many lives, and if a decent shot, a lot of taxpayer’s money by solving the problem there and then. Of course they would be sued by the family of the “wonderful, decent person” who was just having a bad day…But I’d contribute to their defense fund wouldn’t you?

  1. PG&E starts fires; we pay and pay and pay. For over 50 years I have been advocating mandatory undergrounding of ALL new utilities and all others when repairing or replacing of all power lines and wiring for or from anyone. This is the only way to clean up our environment, safeguard the public from devastating wildfires and offer a measure of security in everything from cable tv to power and lights. If PG&E had gotten on board with the “too expensive” idea years ago they could have saved us ratepayers BILLION of dollars in law suits and paying for damages, and ruined lives that didn’t have to happen. Did they listen then, or since then, and now? You know the answer. Just cut down more trees to make more poles and claiming you are helping thin the forest in the process…What a load of crap. Undergrounding should be mandatory statewide, but it isn’t and the weenie politicians we have won’t do anything to make it happen and lose big bucks support…There’s my main three bitches for the week. You don’t like this stuff, do us both a favor and don’t read it, just wait until someone tells you about it… Like all of those who claim they “never read your garbage” and then quote chapter and verse what they find offensive…

From the email bag…

You knew I just had to run this one!

Ted: As always, the first snowfall of the year is a big deal.  It’s so quiet, and the freshly fallen snow is beautiful.  So this morning, after the storm of last night, I decided to build a snowman.  And I did.  And it was terrific.  Until…

My feminist neighbor complained that I didn’t make a snow-woman……so I did.

My feminist neighbor then complained about the voluptuous chest on my snowwoman saying I had objectified snowwomen everywhere.

The gay neighbor couple complained and said that I should have made two snowmen instead.

My transgender neighbor complained saying why didn’t I just make one snowman but with removable and/or interchangeable parts?

The neighborhood vegans complained about the carrot nose saying that vegetables are food and not decorations.

The black neighbor called me a racist and complained that the snow couple I built was white.

The Muslim neighbor from across the street bitched that the snowwoman needed to wear a burqa.

Some asshole down the street called the cops because they found the whole thing offensive.

The president of the homeowners association threatened me with a fine for not getting it approved prior to construction.

A television crew showed up and then asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snowwomen and when I replied “snowballs” branded me as sexist.

By the evening news broadcast I was labeled as a racist, homophobic, sensibility offending suspected terrorist, stirring up all manner of trouble during inclement weather.

Social services then appeared and threatened to take any minor children that may reside in the home.

And……protestors are now picketing in front of my home demanding my arrest, skrewing up traffic, tearing up all the neighbors’ yards, and littering!

I love a good snow day! J.S.

More Things for thought!

According to new research spiders use global electrical fields to fly hundreds of miles……..perhaps one day they may even possess the technology to defeat a rolled-up magazine.

“correct me if i’m wrong”…….probably the number one thing married men never have to say to their wives.

 

“if they could see me now…” i hum loudly as i’m handed a rusty trash can lid attached by a chain to the door key for what is sure to be a filthy gas station restroom……”around back.”

 

“god doesn’t give you more than you can handle”………which explains why i’ve never been in a threesome.

 

As i age i have determined that i have lived a life much like an oatmeal-raisin cookie…….no one’s favorite, but perfectly respectable and not unwelcome.

 

All the neighbors who survived their firework accidents are out in the street…..high-fouring each other.

 

I just apologized to a chair after walking into it…….let’s focus on my impeccable manners before judging my sobriety.

 

Today, i intend to stand at my front gate and recite bill pullman’s speech from the independence day movie hopefully as awkwardly and woodenly as he did……but to add to the majesty i shall be holding a sparkler.

 

I spend an unfortunate amount of time asking “what’s wrong with me?”……..after almost every meal.

 

The really amazing thing about july 4th is that people who normally one would barely trust to hold their umbrella have nearly unlimited access to unpredictable rockets, bombs, and fire.

 

If you’re bored enter 42.3601 degrees north and 71.0589 degrees west into google earth……..you can watch me sunbathe naked.

 

My cold is making everything i say today sound really nasal…….however, on the plus side my pronunciation of french words is nearly flawless.

 

I think my imaginary girlfriend…….has too many other imaginary boyfriends.

 

I wonder if middle-aged white woman elizabeth warren’s native american name is dances with wolves like no one is watching?

 

My wife found a spider in the shower this morning…….if you might be interested the open house is next saturday.

 

The “old man” of pawn stars fame has passed away and people from all over want to pay their last respects……but in keeping with the show they’re calling in experts to see what they’re worth.

 

I just saw a commercial for a medication that relieves opiate induced constipation…….now if they can come up with a pill to stop lying, stealing from family and prostitution opiates will be nearly devoid of side effects.

 

I’m pretty sure isis has my dental hygienist on their short list.

 

Beginning august 7 for $600 you can host your wedding at a taco bell including 15 guests……..conveniently there is also a dollar store down the block where you may register.

 

I could have been a monk……but i missed my chants.

 

I got weighed at the doctor’s office this morning prior to my appointment and conveniently the nurse told me she deducted 3 pounds for my clothing……..but she must have forgotten to deduct my 22 pound wallet.

 

Turned the wife on last night…….i used the c-pap hose to swing onto the bed like tarzan.

 

My mother-in-law invited us to come over because she had a “ham in the crockpot”……..and if that isn’t the perfect euphemism for a fart, then what is?

 

Kale is one of our most versatile health foods……it can literally fit into any trash can.

 

I haven’t trusted politicians since our freshman class president failed miserably in his attempt to initiate “brownie fridays”.

 

I gave my girlfriend a gift of some expensive lingerie from victoria’s secret and she said she really thot it was more a gift for me than her…….if she wants to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

 

The most romantic thing a woman has said to me before sex……..”it’s half now, and the rest when we’re dome.”

 

I’m having some minor outpatient surgery soon and the anesthesiologists instructions say no food after 5:30am and only clear liquids until 9:30am…….as i recall, isn’t vodka a clear liquid?

 

I never understood why they were called ‘chicken tenders’……..until i had one caress my cheek.

 

Just read we should all replace “i’m sorry” with “thank-you” so instead of “i’m sorry i clogged your toilet” say “thank-you for allowing me to clog your toilet”….thus replacing negativity with positivity.  Wtf?

 

In an article about strange laws on the books one cites that in indonesia the penalty for masturbation is decapitation……..so, technically, it does make you go blind.

 

*I heard it was a good idea to pick up women at the gym ‘cuz then you know they’re into fitness as you are… so, I’m going to extrapolate on this thot and try to pick up chicks at the liquor store.

*kin you believe it? More than 780 million people around the world cannot red or rite.

*The average person gains one pound each year after the age of 25 years… I would like to live to the ripe old age of 369 pounds.

*I’m so tired of trying to use the word “penultimate” in a sentence……..I’ve decide this will be my second-to-the-last attempt.

*I’m not really concerned with whether or not your boobs are silicone………I know Star Wars wasn’t real, yet I really love Star Wars.

*I’m a pissifist……I wet myself at the first sign of violence.

*I wish Jehovah’s Witnesses were actually Jojoba Witnesses and they only came by and knocked on your door to give you samples… of their complimentary skin care products.

*Boobs are the antlers of the chest.

*I’ve always been against ‘participation trophies’… but then I realized I really go over the top praising my dog every day after he takes a dump.

*Ironically, it seems gang members rarely if ever use the greeting “hey gang!”…..even amongst themselves.

*In Harry Potter a scar on your forehead means you are a hero……yet in real life we realize a forehead scar means you get drunk often and lack coordination.

*Give me fifty reasons why you think I’m too demanding!

*Men feel compelled to explain dumb stuff to women for fear if they don’t they’ll develop “blue brains”……which I’ve heard is very painful.

*What if when we die…….every exasperated face we’ve ever made in that moment we look back at our friends after bowling flashes before our eyes?

*A lonely rooster sees a sign that reads “Hot Chicken Strips” and walks into Popeye’s… then cringes in horror!

*I hate it when someone finds out I read and enjoyed the same book they did… and then thinks were in some kind of gang or whatever.

*The granddaughter questioned me again. “So they left the porridge on the table, went for a walk, and it cooled at different rates? You’re a liar, grampie!”

*”This is your captain speaking.  So sorry I dozed off back there and we went into a 4000 foot nearly vertical dive. Mondays, right?”

*The best cure for hypochondria is to log off WebMD.

*World Naked Gardening Day is an annual holiday celebrating the presence of nudism in nature… one more reason to skip the salad.

*The wife asked me if her dress made her look fat so I asked if she would promise not to get mad no matter what I said.  She agreed… I said, “I’m having an affair with your sister.”

*Several hair extensions were stolen from a local beauty salon……police are combing the area.

*Weight loss experts say that when you snack on celery you burn more calories digesting it than you consume eating it… I think it has more to do with the effort of repeatedly saying “I hate celery!”

*The interviewer asked why the candidate thot he was good choice for the automotive shop job……”I tire easily.”

*You know a corn maze is going to be intense… when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

*I only enjoy washing dishes if I’m listening to my favorite boy band.  N’SYNC…no, fool, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator. 

*Someone once asked what it was like to have a third child and all I could say was it was like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks……and some butthead throws in a bowling ball.

*I was in the bathroom last night at 11:59 and then the clock struck midnight………my first thot was “same crap, different day!”

*An Italian man got lost while running the New York City Marathon in 2015 and was found two days later jogging aimlessly thru the Bronx……his surname was Columbus.

*Why is every enforcement agent who investigates claims for the Workplace Gender Equality Act of 2012 a female…they’re cheaper.

*When I was a teenager my father showed me a slide presentation of why one should always wear a condom during sex… all the pictures were of me.

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November 11th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #753 (11-9-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 752 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

Happy Birthday to me!

My first wife Linda, with the election and all, bought me a RT plane ticket to Oklahoma for the closing days of the special Muzzle loading deer season on our friend’s ranch for my 75th birthday (the 15th). The beautiful hardwood forest are painted with colors this time of the year (see actual photo) and the 1,200 cattle ranch is loaded with quality whitetail deer. The scenery looks like a portrait painting but these pictures were taken with my cell phone. I was able to join our son Trey, and with the short range modern muzzleloaders were went to different stands and within a day of each other were able to harvest two nice bucks both weighing over 150#, big for that area… She couldn’t have given me a better gift. Sitting in a deer blind for countless hours looking at Cardinals (red birds) and watching wildlife is about as good as it gets for me. Passing on dozens of does and smaller bucks, then getting a chance to take a good ones with the primitive weapons was nice for us…I got back home on election night.

 

LLBB post-election pissyness.

You got the LGBT-WTF and then the sub group LLBB-WWTF, (the light in the loafer bully boys) who really let loose on me (texts and email and many non-traceable phone hang ups) the day after the election claiming “their” victory and saying their threat of ruining me and my business and political careers came to be just as they said it would saying Several said things like: “The vast majority 70%, of the city has told you they hated you and want you out of office and out of town”. I responded with an emoji one finger salute.

I only responded back to one sissy cyber bully telling him (I guess it was a him, he used a straight man’s name) to check his math so I made it simpler for him/her/them: This is a city of about 20,000 of which only about 5,000 voted; (shameful I know) and in my district only a little over 1,000 voted with about 700 for Ernst and 300 for me… hardly a “get out of town edict”.  Those in the know said had the whole city been able to vote things would have ended differently. The truth be known (this is not sour grapes) Ernest was bought and paid for the same as Scott Pederson, with their public sworn allegiance to the LGB-WTF  and its causes furthering their abnormal ( as compared to our normal mom, pop, kids the natural way) lifestyle. Look at their public documented showing where their campaign funds came from.

Now you have a city council that would make old timers cringe and probably turn over in their graves. You have councilmen / Minnema and Pederson already proclaiming love and support for this fringe group, taking their money along with Ernst, and welcoming them to Dixon with open arms. They will now be joined by their bought and paid for candidate, Ernst, who openingly supports them and their causes too…Which gives a majority power to a sideshow which made many young LGBT professionals cringe (so I was told in my door-to-door visits) with their antics and crap. Yep, three of the five members are now with “them” with only Bird and Brogue still standing for “Family Value…s with threats to smack them silly if they get out of line… Wrong two to back into a corner, our LGBT-WTF dented gene pool folks could come out wearing their Crocs in parts of their bodies they have reserved for other things… Yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn’t say such things; because? Before as an elected official I was a little careful and for decades actually backed their cause to be able to do whatever the hell they wanted, it’s their right, as long as it was between consenting adult parties. That was then… butt now as a spokesperson for the” other side”  I’d like to tell them to” bite me” but I’m afraid one of them really would and then I’d have to get tested too.

The council needs three votes to do anything remember; and they all know it. Bobble-heading should be our worst fear. All non-debated 5-0 votes are scary and not doing justice to the voters; a lot of them are a travesty.  If you agree just nod.

  

More Things For Thought!

I wonder if there isn’t a restaurant somewhere called “Chicken Express”… that serves panda.

Let’s see, in addition to good old American English there’s also Canadian, Irish, British, Scottish, South African and Australian……so yes, I’m fluent in several languages.

If I were a skilled ventriloquist I would want to give a eulogy so bad!   

Are people just born buttheads or do they become one?  Personally I believe there’s a butthead gene that affects some individuals…in fact I worked with one we called butthead Gene.

Stop calling them ‘slippers’…….I know Velcro shoes when I see them!

The woman I spoke to in the Public Works department about my power being out said “have a blessed day”… I guess that means “go to hell’ in electricity jargon.

Once again I’m back in the crap with the wife……..”Could you run to the store and get me some tampons?” and I replied “it’s late, can’t you just tie a tourniquet around your waist?”

If I’d known I was going to be at the DMV this long… I would have brought some winter clothes.

Things could always be worse… this could be your week at the Myrtle Beach timeshare.

She’s my universe, my reason for living.  I have absolutely no need for porn, I have her.. I know this because she told me.

“One man’s used up ex-girlfriend is another man’s brand new bride”……..looking back at it now I can see how that might have been inappropriate for the best man’s toast.

Well, THAT went over like a stripper with an Adam’s apple.

I like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain… hence why we’re having this intervention, and the nasty cough.

There seems to be confusion over whether Mercury was a god because he also was the messenger of the gods, but most Roman gods had human jobs……Mercury was a messenger, Diana a hostess, Vulcan was a blacksmith, and Neptune?  Well, he managed a Red Lobster.

All I’m saying is that if our house had a dungeon……my wife would decorate it with throw pillows.

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch!” he said……..”It’s called a bulk pack, schmuck, that’s how Costco sells them!”

Sure, life has its obstacles and such but have you ever been a chubby person trying to get dressed after a shower… without drying off well enough first?

I’m at a point in my life that if I ever acquired a sex robot…I’d probably just teach it to mow the grass.

55% of Americans think they are significantly smarter than the average American…….for a large number of you that means more than half.

If safely finding very sharp knives in the murky sink water was an Olympic sport… I wouldn’t even qualify.

They say that ‘time is a great healer’…….this must be why the damn doctor’s office makes you wait three weeks for an appointment.

“Nice Tooth!”……….mating call of the Arctic Narwhal and the Appalachian Hillbilly.

We’re opening a small shop selling only stadium seats, patio chairs, thermal underwear for sports fans and hunters, and cigarettes but couldn’t agree on a name……she says we can’t call it “Butt Stuff”.

I’m sure I would like cooked cauliflower more… f it didn’t smell like hard-boiled egg farts in a hair salon.

Whatever food and drink items comprise Betty White’s diet… could someone please forward the details to Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

I dated a hypnotist once…….she was the hottest, smartest, funniest, skinniest, kindest, most glamorous and sophisticated woman I’ve ever met.

 

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October 30th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #752 (11-2-18) *

Posted under That's Life Columns

( 752 straight weeks- that’s over 14 years and over 1 million words) By Ted Hickman … Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 751 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

You should have been there. This is the “black powder” shoot I wrote about recently that took place at Yolo Sportsmen’s shooting range between Davis and Woodland… it was sparsely attended but a “kick” for those that were there. To be able to shoot a historic black powder guns and see sky divers’ rain from the above is a neat experience. My first wife Linda, and I, Fred Vanderwold and Rick Bello of Dixon all shot some.

Walking A District!

Walking a district #2 with about 1,500 homes and between 2,000 and 2,500 voters is quite a walk. The district, where I live is also about 43% Hispanic. I am the only candidate in the whole area elections that put a message door-to-door in Spanish/English. Many people seem to know or have heard about me, most are real friendly, some not so much. Seems like a lot of people know about a lot of things I/we’ve done over the year but few know more than a thing or two. Heading up the Annual Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas programs for the past 50+years seems to be that for which I/we are most noted; and of course this column. I we missed talking to you, sorry. The card we left in your door shows we were there…  and we still have a hundred or so left to do…. Walking the new District So, I had to compiled a list of things in which I have been actively involved over the year

I hsf yo make a list  for newspapers and printed materials. When all was said and done only a small portion of the things were ever used because of space considerations. I didn’t want to waste a good list so below you will see some of the many of the things with which I have been involved over the years. That’s which ( not to be confused with witch, like the  scary looking, evil witch of the east who has stooped to a new low point of hatred, even for her, going to Dixon businesses and advising them not to display my signs. That’s ok there‘s very few left that her and her minions have not stolen. Wonder if her candidate, the one running against me, approves of that message?).

So here’s the earned brag list, or… Stuff I’ve done.

Elected Dixon City Council; 1968-72 (4) – again 72-76 (4) and 78-82 (4) and 2014-2018 (4)

  • In early years…Worked on the formation of the Dixon Housing Authority and pushed for the opening of the Dixon Migrant Housing camp with Fred Reherman.
  • Pushed to get city to hire first Hispanic  (and female) police officer
  • Primary Dixon person serving of the California Commission for aging to get the grant for the senior center. Also city’s rep on ABAG
  • Was appointed by the Solano County Superior Court and served a year as a Solano County Grand Juror.
  • Served on the Solano County CAC, vice chairman (O.E.O.) board, Red Cross Board, Sacramento County Mental Health Board, chaired both boys and girls scouts regional fund drives, Chaired the March of Dimes, Red Cross, Cancer and Heart fund drives.
  • Insisted that Northwest Park be developed as part of the Watson Ranch development. Then spearheaded the development of the soccer complex there.
  • Became USSFcertified soccer referee and refed over 3,000 games from youth through high school, college and adult competitive leagues…and served as head referee for Dixon Soccer Club. Wife and sons were all certified referees and our eldest son and I held state coaching and referee license.
  • After having co-founded Dixon Little League, Brokered the 100 year lease with the city for the current Little League fields
  • Served as the first Vice President on the LL Charter and then later President of Dixon Little League as well as all other board positions Served as coach, manager of teams and umpire and safety officer. Coached the first Dixon girl’s Bobby Sox girl’ softball All Star team with Linda as manager. Coached Dixon American Legion BB team,
  • Chairman of Public Relations committees for both the Sacramento area Mental Health association and the Sacramento Regional Red Cross boards.
  • Won several newspaper awards for “Editorial Excellence” as editor of the Dixon Tribune including a first place award for Best News Story in the state from the California Newspaper Publishers association (presented to me by then Ca.Gov Ronald Reagan) and a first place national award for Editorial Excellence from the National Newspaper Association… and then nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. Also won other accolades and awards for photo journalism in my eight year as editor of the Tribune
  • Set all time attendance records for two years in a row as their PR person for the Dixon May Fair in the 70’s
  • Served as the communications director for a Sacramento business organization and the 22 committees of the Sacramento Metro chamber of Commerce and received the “National Award of Excellence” from the American Chamber of Commerce Executives, the highest award and recognition of its kind in that field.
  • Spearheaded the first “low income housing with the development of the homes on Park Drive, right behind our home.
  • Started and chaired the Dixon Toys for Tots/community Christmas ( 7 part) programs which has had the help of thousands of volunteers (several hundred each year), making a happy Christmas season for literally thousands of families many more thousands of children, and over a thousand senior citizens over the past 50+ years. The program is all volunteer, all non-paid, not asking for or receiving one penny of government funding. It is a private 501C-3 organization financed by all private donations which now total hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years. The Dixon Lions Club alone has been a sponsor from the start and has donated over $50,000. Currently serving the final year of a four year term and was elected by fellow councilmembers to serve as vice mayor.
  • In 16 years I’ve never missed a meeting, or a vote, have answered every phone, call, email, text, and letter dealing with city business. I have never had even one complaint about serving in any of the city related committees or my council duties.
  • Was awarded “Dixon’s Citizen of the year” back when it really meant something.
  • Belong to the California Association of Realtors, i.e. CAR, NAR, NRA Dixon Boat Club, the Dixon Game Club, and hold a real estate License.
  • I was in on the planning of and supported the new fire station, police department, senior citizen center and city hall. I also support a new fire department that needs to be built to service the south and west side of the city.
  • I am a moderate, conservative who has never failed to offer help or assistance to anyone in need.
  • We have two sons and four grandchildren all of whom have been born and raised in Dixon and attended school here.
  • Over the years we have been involved with 4-H, FFA, Bids for Kids, Dixon Dolphins,, Dixon Little League, Girls Softball, Dixon Soccer…etc.
  • Our family shot tournament archery from the local level all the way up to State and World championships.
  • The entire family loves the outdoors and all have hunted and fished and are competent with long guns, pistols, shotguns and bows and arrows.
  • I must have done something more but this should be good for a start. I haven’t seen my opponent’s list have you?

 

More Things For Thought! 10-26-18

*A German shepherd went to a telegram office and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price .“  “But,” the dog said, “That would make no sense at all.”

*In fifth grade the teacher told us to write about an ‘anti-hero’ but I was only half listening and wrote a 6-page story about an ant that helped people quit smoking… she sent me to the school psychologist.

*I t.hink i. Mi.ght hav.e in.adve.rtent.ly t.ak.en on.e of. M.y wif.e’s bir.th c.ontrol pil.ls…..b.eca.use my. Per.iod.s a.re irr.egul.ar.*The reason tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches go so well together… it’s basically pizza split into two separate dishes.

*The wife told me to remember to pick up our son at daycare at 5… Me, dropping our 3-year old off, “ok, buddy, see you in 2 years.”

*Our cleaning lady always leaves us a list of supplies she needs to clean the house…  not quite sure why she needs 20 boxes of pseudoephedrine cold medicine though.

*My sex drive isn’t so much of a drive… it’s more like a slow crawl.

*You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar.

*My wife told me she used to be a Christian and of course I told her that was no problem…. she thanked me and informed me she’s now much happier being a Christine.

*My new phone has fingerprint recognition security technology… unfortunately now I can’t open my phone unless I’m eating fried chicken.

*When I was younger “friends with benefits” seemed like a good idea… now I seemingly am old enough for “friends with beneficiaries”.

*I think it sucks how every woman I’m interested in either is already taken… or has good taste in men.

*I was going to donate blood today but didn’t ‘cuz they ask way too many personal questions… like “who’s blood is this?” and “why is it in a bucket?”

*“A night to remember” was the theme of my high school prom… and also my colonoscopy prep.

*Life is all about experiences.  A first kiss.  A walk along a beach.  A book that inspires and changes you… and self-medication, and a dog that continually tells you to set stuff on fire.

*Life is all about experiences.  A first kiss.  A walk along a beach.  A book that inspires and changes you……..and self-medication, and a dog that continually tells you to set stuff on fire.

*I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone recount a boring story… if it started with “I s**t you not….”!

*I know a lot of guys are into big boobs, but honestly …there’s absolutely nothing sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor.

*Ever noticed that “Valvoline” and “Vaseline” are remarkably similar…well, no matter, but my grandson won’t have diaper rash for at least the next 3000 miles.

*If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat… chances are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger.

*I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall… if I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it on the ground so it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

*Five-year old Prince George has made it onto the best dressed list… I still struggle to match my socks and undies.

*I think it’s sweet that pirates had such an affinity for jewelry.  Even with the rough talk, the missing limbs and the gouged out eyeballs… sometimes they just wanted to look pretty.

*What happens when a politician takes Viagra… he seemingly gets taller and stands straighter?

*I just want to be wealthy enough… to own clothespins crafted by troubled yet whimsical artisans using only pine harvested from swaths of virgin forestland.

*What if the sun doesn’t come out tomorrow, you stupid twit?

*Just saw my old junior high gym teacher at the grocery store… it started getting weird when he patted me on the head to see if my hair was wet and asked me if I’d showered.

 

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October 29th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #751 (10-26-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 750 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 750 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Election stuff plain and simple!

 


From the city council standpoint the choice is really simple.  You have one candidate in both districts that have openly pledged allegiance to the LGBT-WTF coalition. In my district the choice is: “family values” (me) or (them)…Easy huh?   “Them” has given thousands of dollars to their candidates in both districts and you see the results of the LGBT-WTF trying to buy a seat or two on the council in the printing, mailers, door hangers and expensive signage on every street including (so many signs in fact  they even put them up out of their districts)… And they’ve taken over 75 % of mine, I guess to show the love and tolerance and acceptance they preach.  That’s District #2.City Council: Not confused about the upcoming election are you? First, from a local level, look at the back of the ballot you got in the mail. Find the Dixon school board election and if there’s nothing below it you aren’t voting in the city council election this go round. If you do have a box it will show either district #1 or District #2. My first wife Linda’s finger in the picture shows you the right thing to do if you are in District #2 and a believer in “family values”. Fill it in with a black ink pen, not pencil, not blue ink. Only vote for one.

 

In District #1 You have LBGT-WTF backed candidate, and incumbent, Scott Pederson, (who has openly embraced the LGBT and for his efforts has received thousands of dollars in campaign contributions… He’s Runing against longtime political activist and former elected city councilman Mike Ceremello. Mike ain’t a LGBT-WTF supporter per sey and is a true hardnosed, pretty much conservative, and mindful of tax dollar. And he is a continual city council one-man watchdog organization.

On the School Board (DUSD) vote for whatever three names you think you recognize Vote for three… doesn’t matter who, you can’t go right or too wrong.

Local Roads: “Measure N” is the only local issue and it’s not complicated. No matter what you’ve heard, or been told, it is a  simple two choice matter: Either you as a property owner pay the whole bill for the millions in street repairs that need to be done or we pass a ½ cent sales tax specifically for use for road repairs. That’s like a nickel on $10. We are the only city in Solano County that doesn’t have any kind of sales tax. If “N” passes we share the expense with those who share our streets; it doesn’t pass you/we foot the whole bill.

No one wants new taxes of any kind but no one also wants to foot the bill for an entire problem not entirely caused by us. It will probably fail because it takes a 2/3 majority to pass and the “no new taxes” people don’t care who pays what. They just want no new taxes…Like I/We do?

I personally don’t want to pay millions in repairs when the folks that eat at McDonalds and shop at Wal-Mart can help us defuse the cost and pay a little for the wear and tear they do to our streets. If it fails we pay the whole bill and then the “no new taxes” folks will come unglued when they see what the actual road repairs ($14,000,000+) are going to cost them. Vote: YES on “N”.

 

Ballot Propositions… Ugh!

Believe it or not people call me and ask how to vote on the many ballot propositions each time there’s an election… I don’t know why. When they are seniors I assume the measures are too complicated and confusing and they trust my judgement,  with everyone else if they ask me I just assume they’re too lazy to do the in depth work it takes to figure out what the hell the measures say, and then what they really mean. I can’t tell anyone how to vote of course but I can share the way I’m voting, after due diligence, as a moderate conservative,

I’m not even going to waste the space on the stupid # 11 and 12 …11 is backed by the American Medical Response which has thousands of workers,  to help them dodge California labor laws, and we of course, will pay the price for their workers to eat, pee, nap or whatever “breaks” means. Even dumber is a PETA measure #12 measure to ban the sale of meat from animals confined in cage PETA doesn’t like. Vote “NO” on both of these dillies where you will pay more and get less. Only in California can you pay people to stand in shopping areas and collect signatures paying for each ($1to $5 or more) signature to get a retarded measures on the state wide ballot.

So what about the rest?

Simple really…1-2-3- & 4 “NO”…5-6-7 & N “YES”…judicial; don’t even vote, don’t mean a thing to us and we can’t do anything about them before or after…so don’t vote for any of them or vote “no”.

 

More Things for thought!

*The army has developed the technology to transmit voices right into another person’s head… my first wife Linda could have saved the army a helluva lot of money.

*Footloose is my favorite song… named for the final tragic stages of leprosy.

*I remember my parents taking my older brother to the YMCA and signing him up for boxing lessons… apparently, they didn’t like the way he was beating me up.

*More than 70% of all apologies are meaningless and we are all well aware that statistics don’t lie… sorry.

*You will remember an individual’s name a whole lot better if you hold their gaze while being introduced… and now you will know the name of someone who thinks you’re creepy.

*I have a cousin who apparently got a penis extension… I found out at a family picnic when he won the three-legged race all by himself.

*It’s so hot outside I called my brother-in-law over so i could stand next to something shady.

*With “mayochup” from Heinz getting air time and stormy Daniels description of trumps nads all over the news… I think I’m gonna hurl any moment now.

*If you’re taking antibiotics and probiotics at the same time… what’s gonna happen to you?

*My wife grew up in a very strict catholic family.  Her bologna didn’t just have a first name… it had a confirmation name.

*I hate it when I’m playing strip poker… and everyone else is playing Texas hold ’em.

*Someone asked me if I was a ‘boob man’ or an ‘butt man’… I think it’s fair to say at this point I can honestly say I’m more of an ice cream cake guy.

*Could someone explain to my mother-in-law the term is “personal hotspot”…. not “personal wetspot”?

*My granddaughter asked what “gays” mean and I said, “Well, like mom and dad love each other two men can, also” so then she asked “what’s penetrating?”.  Uh,oh! So I said, “read the whole sentence”… “She looked at him with a penetrating gaze”.

*The real struggle when you attend a wedding is leaving as soon as possible yet consuming enough food and drink… to equal the amount of money you spent on the gift.

*I just found a Halloween candy on my lawn and ate it… I guess that proves I could live off the land if I had to.

*Yesterday I found a wallet and when I tried to return it to the owner he insisted on tipping me $50… which was really so unnecessary since I’d already kept one of his credit cards.

*Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke?

*Wolves primarily prey on elk, moose, caribou, bison… and the occasional Denny’s cheese slider.

*Every time someone comes to the house they seem to notice the kitty litter box and then ask if we have a cat… I usually answer “no, the toilet is broken.”

*I’m going whale watching this weekend… if you don’t hear from me again know that I’ve become the prince of whales.

*I don’t like eating watermelon… the seeds keep getting stuck in my ears.

*Congrats to the writers of the song despacito for it being named the number one streamed song… extremely popular amongst the “white girl who took Spanish one” demographic.

*Famous pirate quote: “frankly, scaarrrrlett, I don’t give a damn!”

*Apparently people who have more than three cats suffer from some mental stability issues… at least that’s so according to Carl, my hamster.

*After 31 years of marriage I thought it would be really funny on national joke day to tell the wife I wanted more kids. She said, “me too!”… now what the hell do I do?

*I subtly lean over and whisper in my wife’s ear with tears streaming down my cheeks as we listen to my granddaughter’s piano recital… “She’s really terrible!”

 

City Council: Not confused about the upcoming election are you? First, from a local level, look at the back of the ballot you got in the mail. Find the Dixon school board election and if there’s nothing below it you aren’t voting in the city council election this go round. If you do have a box it will show either district #1 or District #2. My first wife Linda’s finger in the picture shows you the right thing to do if you are in District #2 and a believer in “family values”. Fill it in with a black ink pen, not pencil, not blue ink. Only vote for one.

From the city council standpoint the choice is really simple.  You have one candidate in both districts that have openly pledged allegiance to the LGBT-WTF coalition. In my district the choice is: “family values” (me) or (them)…Easy huh?   “Them” has given thousands of dollars to their candidates in both districts and you see the results of the LGBT-WTF trying to buy a seat or two on the council in the printing, mailers, door hangers and expensive signage on every street including (so many signs in fact  they even put them up out of their districts)… And they’ve taken over 75 % of mine, I guess to show the love and tolerance and acceptance they preach.  That’s District #2.

 

In District #1 You have LBGT-WTF backed candidate, and incumbent, Scott Pederson, (who has openly embraced the LGBT and for his efforts has received thousands of dollars in campaign contributions… He’s Runing against longtime political activist and former elected city councilman Mike Ceremello. Mike ain’t a LGBT-WTF supporter per sey and is a true hardnosed, pretty much conservative, and mindful of tax dollar. And he is a continual city council one-man watchdog organization.

On the School Board (DUSD) vote for whatever three names you think you recognize Vote for three… doesn’t matter who, you can’t go right or too wrong.

Local Roads: “Measure N” is the only local issue and it’s not complicated. No matter what you’ve heard, or been told, it is a  simple two choice matter: Either you as a property owner pay the whole bill for the millions in street repairs that need to be done or we pass a ½ cent sales tax specifically for use for road repairs. That’s like a nickel on $10. We are the only city in Solano County that doesn’t have any kind of sales tax. If “N” passes we share the expense with those who share our streets; it doesn’t pass you/we foot the whole bill.

No one wants new taxes of any kind but no one also wants to foot the bill for an entire problem not entirely caused by us. It will probably fail because it takes a 2/3 majority to pass and the “no new taxes” people don’t care who pays what. They just want no new taxes…Like I/We do?

I personally don’t want to pay millions in repairs when the folks that eat at McDonalds and shop at Wal-Mart can help us defuse the cost and pay a little for the wear and tear they do to our streets. If it fails we pay the whole bill and then the “no new taxes” folks will come unglued when they see what the actual road repairs ($14,000,000+) are going to cost them. Vote: YES on “N”.

 

Ballot Propositions… Ugh!

Believe it or not people call me and ask how to vote on the many ballot propositions each time there’s an election… I don’t know why. When they are seniors I assume the measures are too complicated and confusing and they trust my judgement,  with everyone else if they ask me I just assume they’re too lazy to do the in depth work it takes to figure out what the hell the measures say, and then what they really mean. I can’t tell anyone how to vote of course but I can share the way I’m voting, after due diligence, as a moderate conservative,

I’m not even going to waste the space on the stupid # 11 and 12 …11 is backed by the American Medical Response which has thousands of workers,  to help them dodge California labor laws, and we of course, will pay the price for their workers to eat, pee, nap or whatever “breaks” means. Even dumber is a PETA measure #12 measure to ban the sale of meat from animals confined in cage PETA doesn’t like. Vote “NO” on both of these dillies where you will pay more and get less. Only in California can you pay people to stand in shopping areas and collect signatures paying for each ($1to $5 or more) signature to get a retarded measures on the state wide ballot.

So what about the rest?

Simple really…1-2-3- & 4 “NO”…5-6-7 & N “YES”…judicial; don’t even vote, don’t mean a thing to us and we can’t do anything about them before or after…so don’t vote for any of them or vote “no”.

 

*The army has developed the technology to transmit voices right into another person’s head… my first wife Linda could have saved the army a helluva lot of money.

*Footloose is my favorite song… named for the final tragic stages of leprosy.

*I remember my parents taking my older brother to the YMCA and signing him up for boxing lessons… apparently, they didn’t like the way he was beating me up.

*More than 70% of all apologies are meaningless and we are all well aware that statistics don’t lie… sorry.

 

*You will remember an individual’s name a whole lot better if you hold their gaze while being introduced… and now you will know the name of someone who thinks you’re creepy.

*I have a cousin who apparently got a penis extension… I found out at a family picnic when he won the three-legged race all by himself.

*It’s so hot outside I called my brother-in-law over so i could stand next to something shady.

*With “mayochup” from Heinz getting air time and stormy Daniels description of trumps nads all over the news… I think I’m gonna hurl any moment now.

*If you’re taking antibiotics and probiotics at the same time… what’s gonna happen to you?

*My wife grew up in a very strict catholic family.  Her bologna didn’t just have a first name… it had a confirmation name.

*I hate it when I’m playing strip poker… and everyone else is playing Texas hold ’em.

*Someone asked me if I was a ‘boob man’ or an ‘butt man’… I think it’s fair to say at this point I can honestly say I’m more of an ice cream cake guy.

*Could someone explain to my mother-in-law the term is “personal hotspot”…. not “personal wetspot”?

*My granddaughter asked what “gays” mean and I said, “Well, like mom and dad love each other two men can, also” so then she asked “what’s penetrating?”.  Uh,oh! So I said, “read the whole sentence”… “She looked at him with a penetrating gaze”.

*The real struggle when you attend a wedding is leaving as soon as possible yet consuming enough food and drink… to equal the amount of money you spent on the gift.

*I just found a Halloween candy on my lawn and ate it… I guess that proves I could live off the land if I had to.

*Yesterday I found a wallet and when I tried to return it to the owner he insisted on tipping me $50… which was really so unnecessary since I’d already kept one of his credit cards.

*Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke?

*Wolves primarily prey on elk, moose, caribou, bison… and the occasional Denny’s cheese slider.

*Every time someone comes to the house they seem to notice the kitty litter box and then ask if we have a cat… I usually answer “no, the toilet is broken.”

*I’m going whale watching this weekend… if you don’t hear from me again know that I’ve become the prince of whales.

*I don’t like eating watermelon… the seeds keep getting stuck in my ears.

*Congrats to the writers of the song despacito for it being named the number one streamed song… extremely popular amongst the “white girl who took Spanish one” demographic.

*Famous pirate quote: “frankly, scaarrrrlett, I don’t give a damn!”

*Apparently people who have more than three cats suffer from some mental stability issues… at least that’s so according to Carl, my hamster.

*After 31 years of marriage I thought it would be really funny on national joke day to tell the wife I wanted more kids. She said, “me too!”… now what the hell do I do?

*I subtly lean over and whisper in my wife’s ear with tears streaming down my cheeks as we listen to my granddaughter’s piano recital… “She’s really terrible!”

 

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October 19th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #750 (10-19-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 749 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

According to Dixon Police Chief, Robert Thompson,

“Don’t make yourself, home, business or vehicle a target of opportunity.”

 

Things are getting bad…

The police cars used to have “to “Serve and protect” on their doors and as their motto. Now it’s more like “We respond after the fact and do what we can” …Too long for a motto, and too short to tell the real story… but The PD is  constantly employing new programs  to thwart crime but it/ they can’t be everywhere all the time so some common sense preventions is on all of our shoulders.

Seriously, things are getting bad. A Lady goes in to have her nails don and comes out and her truck is gone. Friends go to sleep as usual in the apartments behind Denny’s and wake up to find their car stolen. Windows are broken on vehicles anything visible is taken…which begs the question…why would you leave valuable things or things that look like they have value visible through your vehicle window? This ain’t little 1,800 peopled Dixon no more Toto. We’ve got wicked witches, hard drugs, stabbings, fights, robberies, burglaries, ex-jailbirds on the streets on the streets, dope is legal, we have homeless folks stashed around the outskirts, and our munchkins are for real in the form of mental midgets. The Land of Oz is no more… except on Channel 3 every afternoon.

What am I getting at, to end a sentence in a preposition?  The once sleepy, safe little bedroom/agriculture community we were is no more. Like you old timers I’m sorry to see it go but it’s gone, not to return to the peaceful era of yesteryear.

This is why as a city council person, for the past four years I have been pushing getting our police department modernized and up to full force. This is including new blood from the chief on down. We are hiring more officers and even have a grant application in for a motorcycle officer for traffic control. We’ve placed one armed SRO (school resource officer) at the high school and I will continue to push for a second officer dedicated to splitting their time between the junior high and elementary schools… “Has it really come to that” you may ask… and the answer is yes.

We’ve made every school zone a little safer with solar powered speeding signs and reinforced the stop signs with a red light so there is no excuse not to stop is there?  Right! We now have multiple police cars manned and on the streets 24/7… which is way up from one huh? We are hiring and training young officers to our way of life and doing business.

And what is the true story you may ask?  Reality is an ugly thing but just look at what you see on the streets in the daylight and think about what you don’t see after it gets dark-dark. It seems like overnight we’ve become an integrated community made of all kinds and types of people, beliefs and cultures. Both the police and fire departments are primarily a local taxpayer funded response forces. You get burgled, you call the police, your house catches on fire or you have a medical emergency you call the fire department and they respond and take a report or put out tour fire of restart your heart…But that’s about it.

Where am I going with this? When we first moved here no one locked their car or house doors, every other pickup had gun racks (and most had guns in them) and the opening days of dove, pheasant and duck season were unofficial excused absence days from school.

Everyone knew their neighbors and your kid doing something stupid may have gone temporarily unreported and the non-report lasted only until your phone line started ringing… THE ENTIRE CITY WAS ONE HUGE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH.  Now can you name your neighbors from two doors down on either side of you or across the street? Be a noisy neighbor, it’s good for all of us!

Back then most trouble was relatively minor and violators were dealt with in numerous ways but reoffenders were few. Back then if you broke into someone car or house you were putting your life in jeopardy…so you just didn’t. If you were caught the police department was not too kind and if they let you off easy it was because a more severe punishment was awaiting you at home (and they knew it) and you were shamed (at least) by neighbors.

Now you can do what you wish with little fear of retribution, and if caught only minor punishment because the criminal element has become a privileged class, defended by our tax dollars, and looked upon as poor souls with sad stories from their past that make their unacceptable behavior somehow acceptable. How did we come to this?  Does it really matter? We’re there and there’s not much we can really do about the liberal attitudes and equally liberal infected legislatures and court system.

What you can do is wake up and smell reality. We are a bedroom community, just off one of the bossiest highways in the country. The big electronic sign we have on the freeway should just announce… “We are just a simple, helpless community just ripe for picking. You can be off the freeway, smash and grab stuff and be back on your way in less than five minutes.” Average police response time is what (like two minutes?)? You don’t think the bad guys know this? Vacaville’s “smash and grab statistics make ours look pale as does their calls for thefts  from their “factory stores” compared to the problems we have daily at Walmart.

The point? Police and fire can’t really protect you and yours and your stuff. Like Smokey the Bear says now days, “Only you can prevent being ripped off or burned down.” You see somebody or something, …  strange say something; call the police non-emergency 678-7070 during business hours or police/fire at 678-7080. Your job is to report it, its is their jobs to find out what’s happening. They say you can say you don’t want to be identified. If it doesn’t work let me know. Many people don’t call because they think they have to identify themselves. I keep being told you can make anonymous calls to dispatch.

So what to do…

  1. Don’t leave your vehicles unlocked.
  2. Don’t leave anything visible in your vehicle no matter where you go or where you park. There are many dangerous desperate people who will break you window to steal loose change laying around and cost you hundreds to get your damage repaired. If you can afford one get a car alarm

(And a shotgun).

  1. It goes without saying but keep your doors locked when you are not there even if you’re “just running out for a minute”…Like don’t leave your vehicle running “just for a minute to run in and do an errand” … This is common sense folks…. And it’s the new now.
  2. A home alarm system and security cameras won’t stop you from becoming a victim but may act as a little deterrent and may at least give the police something to go by. Both have come down in price and are doable if you really want at least a little peace of mind.
  3. Gonna be gone for a weekend or longer? Let your neighbors and the PD know, the bad guys will figure it out. Have your paper and mail picked up.
  4. This one may not be doable for everyone but I’ll pass it along anyway. In my decades of being a news reporter I’ve done stories on about everything. The one interview I did with a professional convicted burglar still haunts me. They really don’t care if you’re home one not. Get that? They usually case a place before they enter. They just may knock on your door for some kind of a bogus reason to size things up. You know what he said was the main thing that kept them from coming back to a house to rob? Of course you don’t that’s why I’m telling you… A dog. Not necessarily a Pitt bull, rototiller, or German shepherd, (they will work too, but a little sharp eared yapper. They hear what the flappy eared dogs don’ and they don’t quit… The cheapest burglar alarm/companion around. I’m just telling you what he said and we’ve never been without one since.
  5. Fire safety. Get smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors throughout your home. If you don’t know what kind to buy or where to put them call the Dixon Fire Department non-emergency number (707-678-7060) and they’ll send someone out to help you.
  6. Concerned about home security? You can call the Dixon Police Department at the non-emergency number (707-678-7070) during regular business hours and ask for a crime prevention officer to come to your home (or business) and do a “crime prevention survey” to help you secure your home or property. Both the professional fire and police department services are free of charge.

 

 

“Black Powder” time again!

The “Yolo Frontloaders” is a black powder enthusiasts group founded in 1988, operating out of the Yolo Sportsman’s Range in a rural area between Davis and Woodland, Ca. The club will hold its 29th annual charity shoot this weekend, Oct 20th-21st at the Yolo Sportsman’s Range at 24189 Aviation Ave, Woodland, Ca (next to and just N.E. of the Yolo Airport). We go each year and the photo below show Linda shooting. The range will be open from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. this Saturday and 9 a.m. to noon on Sunday. It is open to the public and shooters from through Northern California are invited to participate and compete for any of the top 10 prizes. The range is between here and Woodland, goggle it. It’s next to the Yolo Airport and you can watch skydivers at the same time.

We go every year and if you and your family are at least curious about the weapons early American settlers used and have a chance to actually shoot one; this is the place for you. It’s a neat, fun, learning experience for families. See photo of my first wife Linda, above  touching off a shot. I took the Oklahoma Whitetail buck during their muzzleloader’s only season. Every state now has special muzzleloader only big game season… a tag that’s a lot easier to get. Unlike traditional rifles, distance is very limited which means it takes more skill and less tech.

More Things For Thought!

*Neurologists claim that every time you resist acting on your anger you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving… crap like this really pisses me off.

*I’m donating my body to science… in hopes of hindering its progress.

*She was staring out the front window for the pizza delivery guy… like widowed sailors heartbroken wife longingly gazes out towards the sea.

*A cigarette after sex loses something… if you have to go outside to smoke it.

*I’m three-quarters scotch… and one-quarter soda.

*The camera on the iPhone X is of such good quality… you can actually see the desperation in the eyes of the people who take selfies.

 

*Fairy tales taught me that if I cried birds would come and do my laundry and household chores while chirping as they do… reality taught me that no one really gives a crap, especially birds.

*A good way to find out how fast you can run……tell your wife she’s turning into her mother.

*According to my doctor I have something resembling carpal tunnel syndrome in my middle finger… resulting from overuse during rush hour.

*”Does anyone else smell BBQ or is it just me?”… Joan of Arc

*Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years… that’s quite a long period.

*I know the sign says “employees must wash hands”…..but I get tired of waiting and usually just wash them myself.

*A missed connection: I was the guy that posed nude for her class… she was the math professor that called security.

*Science:  the phenomenon of drinking a twenty-ounce coffee… and then peeing five times over a two-hour period totaling three gallons.

*Since childhood I’ve never gotten over the fear that when I bite into a peach it’s going to utter a horrifying scream…  after all, it has fur.  You can pet it.

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October 12th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #749 (10-12-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 748 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

You smell a skunk; or is it?

I/we (we, which means my manager, Linda and me) are trying to cover all 1,500 residents in our new City Of Dixon “District 2” voting area. My refereeing over 3,000 soccer game is catching up with me and my hip is finally starting to complain; loudly… but I/ we will do our best to get to your place. If we miss you, or decide not to bother you ( I won’t knock or ring if it’s apparent you have little ones or you’re watching your favorite soap or ball game)…You can learn a lot going from open screen door to open screen door and by what’s on T.V. and  on people’s porches and in their yards.

If we don’t get a chance to talk to you we will leave one of my bi-lingual cards on the door or someplace near. You will also be getting a mailer soon which you can use as fodder against the propaganda from B.S. social media bullying sites and the many enemies I have made over the years…  from newspaper reporting, and columns, and tough decisions as a city council person for 16 years… The wounds add up and what better time to strike back and pick a scab than during an election?

Be that as it may, it’s really neat to hit the streets once again (for the last time). Four years ago we covered the entire city door-to-door. This time, in the first district election for our area, it’s only about 1,500 places. The one big change I’ve noticed walking the streets this time is the pungent smell of marijuana on almost every block we cover. I thought it strange that people would be toking early in the morning or even mid-day until a senior lady on Adams Street and I discussed the odor present on her door step. I said, “ Do people around here smoke like this all of the time to which she replied, “They aren’t smoking right now it the 16 plants ( a couple has eight each) my neighbor is growing (see photo  at the right what it actually looks like) that are near harvest and it smells like that all of the time…its makes me sick.” I took a deep breath and held it for a second and felt a little better…She didn’t but it got me to doing some research.

You know the old: “If it walks like a skunk, looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk, you can pretty much bet it’s a skunk.” Well that old adage has been shot to hell. If you walk or ride a bike on many streets in this city you will smell what appears to be a skunk (see top left photo)…but it ain’t necessarily so.  In talking to some of my more cannabis knowledgeable friends I found out most all the plants are nearing harvest now and have flowered out and are filled with the “buds” ( see photo  at the bottom)with the magic resign which produces the pungent odor, much the same as it smells when it’s being smoked. We had been trying to figure when our elderly conservative neighbors started hitting the pipe and jokingly asked them about it and they said they smelled it all the time lately and didn’t know what it was and thought it “might be” a skunk” I told them it wasn’t because the smell flows into our house each time the south wind blows. We thought their neighbors were puffing a lot, like all the time, and now realize it’s probably neighborhood plants just budding out…. All legal now of course, and there’s some smoking taking place, a lot of the time city wide too, no doubt.

How’s the election coming you ask? Glad you asked!

My campaign committee: My manager (my first wife Linda) is on the right and my special consultant… who knows all there is to know about social media, is on the left. His head is just filled withal of their “facts” and stuff…  Below is a (wanna be) social media queen’s transportation from Sac to Dixon: Watch for her with her black hair streaming and beware of her hideous voice trying to scare people everywhere into her nasty, vindictive way of thinking… I hear she’s available for liberal bitching get-togethers, scaring children and trying to influence young soft minded liberals and trolls… Always beware of witches trying to cast spells!

Hickman Halloween Patch/ corn maze for blonds and seniors…

More things for thought!

*Telling someone who’s suffering from depression they’ll feel better after a shower… only results in a now clean, good smelling person who is depressed.

*Jesus:  “I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain.”… Mary:  “Jesus stop complaining”.

*I filmed my wife using her toes to fiddle with my genitals… got some decent footage.

*You know you lead a lonely and solitary existence when you look at a summons to jury duty… as an opportunity to mingle socially.

*I just ate an entire jar of Nutella while watching a rerun of old yeller… now I sit here with tear stained cheeks and absolutely no enamel left on my teeth.

*When I receive a bill that says “early settlement would be appreciated”… I build them a Neolithic village.

*In a marriage a romantic gesture in the first year is possibly flowers, maybe candy, or a surprise dinner out… by year five its regular bathing.

*Welcome to your 60’s… you’ll appreciate handrails now.

*Things I have in common with an avocado: by myself I’m pretty bland, I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft, I’m pleasant for only a small period of time, often found with chips.

*I pissed off two people today by calling them ‘hipsters’… apparently the correct term is ‘conjoined twins’.

*I don’t care if you’re black or white, old or young, rich or poor, male or female, but there comes a time in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it!

*When the bee gees get spooked… do they become the heebie jeebie bee gees?

*The high today was 84 degrees… the low was eating an entire bag of potato chips.

*Sexy lingerie is obviously only for single people ‘cuz when you’re married and have to help fold that stuff it loses its appeal… all morning I’ve been making ‘thong balls’ since they’re harder to fold than a fitted sheet.

*If hindsight is 20/20 why are objects in the rearview mirror closer than they appear?

*We were in the hospital burn unit and were told our friend would have serious problems without a tissue donor. The wife immediately pulled a package of Kleenex from her purse… “How many?”

*I think my wife is such a nice person because as a Canadian… she focuses all of her hatred on geese.

*The hole in this evolution theory is that humans had a pinkie toe… long before they had a need to find furniture in the dark.

*The plan after one beer was to just chill and enjoy the evening’s music at my local bar… after five beers it degenerated, “put me down on the karaoke list for ‘Summer loving;”, I’ll sing both parts!”

*Mr. Potato head was an only child… in spite of being created by Hasbro.

*The new pizza tracker keeps you informed where your pizza is at all times… 6:42:  Ronny left with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash from the till.  6:50:  Ronny was last seen going south on RT 23 speeding, high on meth. 7:04: Ronny got naked, ate your pizza and is in a gunfight with police.

*I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures… it’s my face.

*Why do pictures of people painted centuries ago never show zits?… are they inferring that those people with crappy diets, poor drinking water and that bathed once a year had clear skin?

*That person that makes you laugh when the world can’t… find them.

*The best part of being in a jug band? First you have to empty the jugs!

*It’s rapidly becoming that time of year when all the little girls and boys look quite cute and fashionable in their flannels… and I look like I’ve misplaced my axe.

*Fart like on one else is in the bed.

*If by “crunches” you mean the sound bacon makes when you eat it… then yes, I do “crunches”.

*An automobile ‘taint’ is that mysterious area between the seat and the console:  taint seat, taint console……..”My keys fell into the car taint and I can’t reach them”.

*The wife has been spending an inordinate amount of time with a bunch of ladies who now want to start a ‘craft gang’… traveling around messing stuff up and then fixing it with popsicle sticks, glue, and glitter.

*Naked and afraid… in reality it’s just me sitting on the sofa wondering if it’s safe to bite into this hot pocket.

*God: to the man who just prayed to me for a large penis and a sports car……..sorry dude, no one’s got both.

Be aware and beware!

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October 5th 2018
Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 747 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

Posted under That's Life Columns

That’s Life©1966 #748 (10-5-18)*

They’re Stealing my signs…Help, let the dogs out!

By Ted Hickman

First you saw them; now you don’t, WTH?

You take my signs … I catch you; I do what my opponent teaches…I have Linda kick you in the nads!

I’m not gonna whine about it… But I had many signs out at the same place you see Scott Pederson’s (in my district by the way) and my opponent’s. Funny theirs are still there and mine are gone. I replace them and they disappear again. The big surprise is how they took a big one from inside the Asian Garden restaurant without anyone seeing them.  Funny, no one has tried to take the one in the photo… Wonder why? Of course the left wing liberal loonies that are obviously stealing the signs are claiming on social media the lack of signs show a lack of support… of course…That’s their plan; take my signs and I lose… that’s the intellect I’m up against, woe is me…

My opponent and his “people” must have a stack of them somewhere (probably heaped on top of the missing Vasquez signs that magically disappeared)… I’ve asked and received permission every place you saw one of my signs…The others…not so much I hear. Why does anyone steal signs? They think that will stop me, or weaken my name recognition (the only reason to have signs except an ego boost)? They can’t be that dumb…or maybe they are. But as this happens more people call and ask for my signs and some complain about my opponent’s signs being placed on their property without their permission…Good strategy huh? I’m getting some unsolicited surveillance footage and pressing charges just so these smart asses will have an arrest on their record and will,(when queried)  (yuck, yuck) have to answer “yes” the rest of their lives to “have you ever been arrested”. Pretty cool huh? Have you ever been queried? Bet it hurts.

 

My plan is to walk to about 1,000 homes in my district and drop off my informative little cards if my hip holds out… In my walks, Monday I came across one of my opponent’s super cool, life like signs that surprised me. At the corner of Washington and D. Street I started up the sidewalk to the door of a house and what to my eyes surprisingly appeared but life like sign (see cell phone photo) which startled me and made me think of dinner… She was active and obviously wanted the apples lying on the ground. I backed off and let her go about her business but I thought… “How cool is this to see a wild turkey wandering freely in the middle of a city”… we still have it, rural America right in the middle of a semi suburbia area… BTW: Turkey season opens right around Election Day…

My opponent is running on a tolerance, acceptance and a non-bullying campaign (although he owns a business that teaches children and his students to kick the crap out of each other) backed and sponsored by dozens of LGBT cyber and other type of bullying specialists… He’s made this race break down into two camps. Simple really; do you stand for and believe in “family values” or “equal representation” i.e., support the LGBT agenda.

A former conservative police chief, now a liberal spokesperson is backing him as well as the consortium of the LGBT coalition… Simple choice as I see it; us or them. If I were one of “them” I would feel as they do, but I/we are part of us that believes in traditional family values…end of story.

He’s giving the usual BS running for office tripe saying nothing but a coded message to the LGBT collation of “I believe in Dignity for all people”… That’s means I don’t?  Be dignified and I’m there; flaunt a radical difference from the norm in my face and I’ll give you all the due respect you’re due…end of story again…

With my opponent you have vague campaign promises and campaign rhetoric… with me you have proven results and a man who stays true to his word and his values…and gets the job done. Not much thinking to do in this race. It “us” or “them”… I’m voting for us. You let your conscious be your guide…

 

When You Just Have To Shop out of town!

 Like I said recently, like all people, we like to shop locally when we can but I know many of you visit Vacaville on a regular basis because we stop and talk to you there. Seems we always see Dixon folks at Sam’s, WINCO (their liquor prices are the cheapest and the assortment the best around) and now the new Sprouts Farmer’s Market (that just opened where the old-Old Navy/Halloween store used to be on the south side of the freeway). This upscale, yuppie, with trending organic, fresh foods, is setting the table for the future with the best prices… for what they have in abundance. Granted Pedrick Produces ( shown in photo) is closer and has all of the fresh fruits, prices and veggies that my kind eat…But it’s great to have so many reasonably priced super choices around of high quality, “farm fresh,” items  so close to home… and there’s never a need to open up a canned food…Really! … If you haven’t been there it’s worth a trip… Fresh pineapples and blueberries for a buck for their opening…and all kinds of fairly priced non GMO –organic fruits and veggies and stuff. You know I don’t steer you wrong on these kinds of things.

More things for thought!

*Have you never noticed how many times that damn doorbell rings on the Golden Girls… try watching the show with your dog, you will.

*I ran three miles this morning… I didn’t intend to but I mistakenly told the wife to go to hell.

*People would probably take hurricanes a lot more seriously… if their names didn’t sound like last week’s church bingo winners.

*”Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”… “Yes, we arson.”

*I knew yoga wasn’t my thing… I threw my back out just trying to put the damn mat down!

*I hate the misconception that all fat people love buffets… I doubt that a chubster sees a waiter bringing their food to the table and thinks “I wish I could be the person walking and carrying that heavy tray.”

*The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation……..so if you get technical it does make you go blind.

*Technology has become such a big part of modern life that I’m never sure whether to believe the sound of the rain beating on the roof… or the weather app that says it’s sunny outside.

*Pigeons can’t fart… unless you squeeze them like bubble wrap.

*Have you ever noticed that the people that are the most offended by nudity… are the same ones that you would never want to see naked?

*After the birth of our third child we decided there must be a better way with more tangible benefits… so this one and any subsequent offspring will be raised completely cage free.

*Technically you can refer to your wife as your ‘ex-girlfriend’……..but I wouldn’t recommend it.

*Every time I hear someone in the government say ‘deep state’ it registers with me as ‘deep dish’… so I’m almost convinced there’s a government conspiracy to get me to buy more pizza.

*Speed limits are for people who don’t have to pee.

*As fall approaches notice that people love it because it’s ‘hoodie weather’… you immediately lose 10 pounds when you put one on.

*My ideal career…I wanna be a bookstore cat.

*A fierce debate has been raging amongst theologians… is Notre Dame’s Touchdown Jesus actually indicating a touchdown, or might it be a field goal or successful extra point?

*Today I am here solely to inform you that not everyone was kung-fu fighting!

*There’s a rumor circulating that Chelsea Handler may have a new book coming out on masturbation techniques for women… “Dildos and Dildont’s”.

*The body of the average baby is 75% water and we wonder how is this possible… all they do is pee and cry!

*While reclining on the couch my wife’s cold foot touched my thigh… the good news is I found I could achieve a four-foot vertical jump from a seated position.

*I tried to get in touch with my feminine side… but it wasn’t speaking to me.

*Everyone thinks Australians are laid back and accepting… but wait until one is standing over you with a chainsaw demanding you pronounce ‘aluminum’ correctly.

*There’s a very fine line between doing research and watching porn on a computer… and our employers need to recognize that line.

*Smoking is hazardous to your health… but not nearly as dangerous as telling her her butt makes that dress look fat.

*”Cougar” sounds so much classier than “old whore”.

*I find it odd that apparently Mary, the mother of Jesus, originated the last second long pass into the end zone hopefully for a touchdown……..that bears her name.

*In 1998 I became the first human to beat an IBM computer… in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

*The wife is refusing to go to the clubs with me anymore on Saturday nights…she says I dance like a zombie trying to hold in a fart.

*As I look back at all the successes and failures in my life I can’t help but be proud… at least the potty-training thing took.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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September 29th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #747 (9-28-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com or straaightarrowted@gmail.com For the 746 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com


Two Things…

  1. Bert and Ernie…Oh no, tell me it ain’t so
  2. Did you realize that “Rusty” in the Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation movie is the grown up “Leonard” in the “Big Bang” television…series? Look close and you can see it…Jut put glasses on “Rusty”.
  3. The city council Tuesday voted 3-2 to keep spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayers’ dollars on the way to a $3,000,000 + bill (that’s millions) on a parking lot (not the real photos shown) in downtown Dixon across from Bud’s restaurant. The old Tige’s Shell station site has been tagged the “Pardi Market” site (the actual market that was once east of this site).

This program has been championed by Scott Pederson who is running for re-election and he swears “the majority of people are in favor of this” “This” being the second huge debacle, in my opinion, in Dixon’s recent history. The first was the $7,000,000 + tunnel (that’s millions) in addition to the $1,250,000 (million) “train station” that became a real estate office and C of C office rented below market rate (for political pay back reasons I guess)… built with taxpayers dollars with the promise “if you build it they will come”…that’s over $8.2 million and they ain’t come yet and aren’t likely to in our lifetimes. This same liberal logic is being applied to a paved surface with a few planters and a gazebo/mini band shell in the middle.

Councilman Minnema, who also voted against it pointed out again what my first wife, Linda, has been saying all along…you have a beautiful tree lined park one block north which has room for the gazebo and with little money and effort we could have a grassy, shady area conducive to all kinds of events…but NO, councilman Pederson wants this to be his legacy since he is the primary pusher  of the project…Get this straight…$3+ million dollars to take away valuable parking spots in the center of downtown and put in planters and a gazebo…It’s true. Ask Scott himself he will proudly explain it to you how “everybody is in favor of this”.

From my stand point I have to go with our junior councilperson on this one….If we build “this” they may come… just to see what a $3+ million parking lot and a $8.2+ million train station where no train will stop, and underground tunnel, looks like…Maybe they will come to just see what a city that allowed this to happen to it looks like… and while here probably try to sell us a dinosaur or some premium swamp land in Elmira.

 Big endorsements coming to Dixon!

Rumor still has it that our out of town meddler (who doesn’t read this “trash” but can quote it weekly word-for-word) in Dixon politics has arranged for the mayor of Sacramento to endorse my opponent… makes sense. He’s made Sacramento the homeless, LGBT haven for Northern California… and has turned our state capitol into not the show place it once was. Yeah, like I said, bring it; we want some of that here!

No matter, when it comes to endorsements I have my own waiting in the wings… really! I contacted my old buddies Barak, Hilary and Donald and Michele for endorsements and their people are to be in contact with my people. The Donald owes me big time for endorsing him. They haven’t said when they are coming to Dixon yet, probably on their next big pre-election West coast swing. I just need a short notice to reserve Bud’s downtown and the old Vet’s hall so I can quaff a few brews with my peeps when they get here

 

More things for thought!

*For a more lifelike simulation when I go to the gym with the intention of using the rowing machine… I always wear my fishing vest, my hat covered in lures, and bring a cooler of beer.

*We decided to buy a piano instead of a treadmill… it gives us much more space to pile our dirty laundry.

*I’m so sick of answering questions about the age differences between the kids… now I just tell people the oldest one came with the house.

*I wore the wife’s bra for the entire day today… walking a mile in her shoes would have been easier.

*Back in my day ketchup only came in glass bottles but I’m very grateful for the life lessons it taught me… most problems can be solved with patience, a couple of hard smacks or a knife.

*What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

*Each child brought more confidence in parenting.  Child one; it was all “be careful, support his head”, and then with child two; “dangle him by his feet he loves it!”… with child three, “we don’t have a ball, use your baby brother!”

*I’m thinking of starting a car service for dogs… call it the Scooby D-Uber.

*What happens when someone breaks into the home of one of these people that don’t have any sort of weapon for self-protection? Do they give the offender a stern talking to?

*Few people know Trump tried to get into medical school but did poorly on the admission test. He said he felt good about only one answer, “when you come across an unconscious female you feel her pu_s_ . (fill in the blanks). His friend said it was easy, her pulse………”dang! I missed that one too!”

*Inhaling helium from a balloon can kill you…but the call to 911 would be hilarious!

*We need a pet that is quiet, doesn’t make a mess in the house, is obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture… I’m thinking we need a hardboiled egg.

*If it wasn’t for passing gas I’d never lose any weight.

*Why is it when Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head she’s selfless and a saint…. when I put a dish towel on my head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again!”

*I’ve reached that point with the kids that today when I found a garlic press in the shower… I didn’t even care to ask why.

*I dated a mime once… it was so good because she could do so many unspeakable things!

*Thom: Pumpkin spice lube… do I have to think of everything?

*In crap at home again ‘cuz when she asked me if I’d ever consider trading her for a younger woman… I mistakenly replied that age wasn’t the issue,I’d just trade for one that didn’t talk throughout the game.

*For the record… riding my unicycle when I robbed the liquor store was a terrible idea.

*Archeology is just like search and rescue work except everyone’s been dead for 5000 years or so… so the sense of urgency is minimal.

*Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds… social media has shown us just how crappy that power would actually be.

*I hope that they never publicly show Betty White’s infamous sex tape ‘cut she’s 94 years old with saggy and wrinkled breasts, false teeth, thinning hair… plus it’s not my best performance either

*Went to a Waffle House the other evening and when the waitress said “what’ll you have” I asked “what would you recommend?”… “IHOP”.

*The difference between the wife and me is if we both fell in a well she’d exhaust herself trying to climb out bitching all the while about the injustice of living in a world having wells… I’d just say “guess we fell in a well”.

*The closest I get to extreme sports… is frying bacon naked.

*People say you can reduce stage fright with a little liquor prior to the show… bring enough for everyone you may not even have to perform!

*Once, just once, I’d like to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

*When I’m feeling pretty snobby I walk right past the $5 DVD bin at Walmart… and smartly and confidently approach the $7.88 Blu-Ray selections.

*I don’t have oral sex but it’s not because I’m a prude or anything… it’s just that you need two people.

Country Rental Home

I had a little piece last week about a 4/ 3, modular rental home we have  to rent way out (10 miles from town with no immediate neighbors)  in rural Dixon; same zip code. We weren’t able to give the many callers a price but it’s settled on and we will rent with first and last month the right circumstances + rental agreement and references needed. Ready very soon, if not sooner. Call 678-2203 and leave a message and we’ll get back to you ASAP.

 

 

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