May 18th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #728 (5-18-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com  For the 727 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman © 5-18-18

 

‘Libertards’ run amuck and we let them?

New Boy-girl-LGBT Scout? Seriously? The BSA, Boy Scouts of America was is a century Old, reliable, United State of America organization as is/was the Cub Scouts and Brownies and Girl Scouts and Campfire Girls… but the libertarda just won’t be happy until the girl scouts are wearing veils, the Boy’s Scouts are in lace up hiking high heels and the boys and girls are mingling at campouts thereby producing little scouts since birth control and sex education and anti-straight teachings are illegal… WTF folks? I mean. Seriously, WWTF?

Mandated, legal, Gay Boy Scout leaders… It’s now illegal to counsel young boys/girls they don’t have to be gay that they do have a choice… how in the hell did we get to this? Can you say liberalism run amok?

Parents make girls join the Boy Scouts. Sacramento Democrats first mandated that boys/men’s could use girl’s facilities and now have outlawed counseling children telling they don’t have to be converted to the GLBT lifestyle if they don’t want to. These brain damaged tweaks at the top of the food chain folks made the DMV give driver’s licenses (Legal ID’s to Illegal immigrants) to non-citizens, make it legal to be illegal, and have taken away any incentive to become a citizen of the state and country they are ruining.

These yahoos give scholarships to non-citizens while American citizens’ children are crowded out of classrooms. They’ve made illegal aliens, “undocumented immigrants”, taxpayers to pay for sex change operation for convicted criminals serving life terms in prison, … and they’ve made it illegal to say what you really think or feel… and Lord help you if you don’t go along and agree with them. They fill the media with fake news and, pushed the pledge allegiance and non-denominational prayer out of our schools and replaced it with sex education telling the positive side of the GALBT life styles… like there really is one. Many of those folks are really screwed up and unhappy and they think everyone should join them in their suffering I guess. Hollywood’s money and wealthy liberal weenies control what millions think because we are a nation of sheep and our youngsters look up to the low IQ’s but good looks and lots of money in Hollywood, and the professional athletics that flaunt their obscene wealth.

You’ve got a new governor, lt. governor, attorney general and other state high ranking officials waiting in the wings to be “elected”  (they are outright campaigning on those principals) who will try to make California a complete “sanctuary state” and give even more to “takers”; You know the takers…Don’t work, don’t want to work but take  FREE housing, food, medical, dental, education and now are demanding even more free crap that YOU pay for, not the elected officials. YOU pay for all of this crap. While our “leaders” lie, collect obscene salaries and perks, cheat and abuse young and old, men and women, restrict our rights, we sit back and prepare to elect the next wave of twisted souls all dressed up and neatly packaged to sell their image to the lazy voters. Enough is enough. When do our “citizens” wake up and smell the stink of overt wealthy mass media manipulation of minds?

The media’s moguls have been out to control the uncontrollable President Trump. They hate him because he can’t be bought or sold and somehow got the American people to open their eyes and ears to make him, what will probably go down in history, as one of the greatest American presidents. That is a dangerous trend and if it can’t be curbed the entire power structure in the nation could shift from a few in power to the many…and boy, are they afraid of that.

You think not? Ignore the left winged propaganda fed to us daily by both the print and mass media-media. And look at the facts:Obama, who history will remember as probably the worst presidents this country was ever coned into voting into office bowed down to the Muslim extremists (America haters) and they laughed behind his back, took our billions of dollars he tried to buy good will with and screwed us at every turn. He got weak kneed when when threatened by fat boy Young Kum Sum and his threat of nuclear weapons.…  He bowed down before Muslim leaders and brought hundreds of thousands of Muslims from American hating countries to the US and gave then free housing food, money and everything all Americans must work hard to obtain. They in turn enlarged their settlements, set up their own little governments and told Americans to keeps their hands off and not interfere with their “religious freedoms”.

Now here comes POTUS President Trump. They bow when they meet him and quake when he speaks. The big mouth fat boy Korean leader who was going to attack our country got his butt handed to him when Trump called his bluff and drew a line in the sand which fat boy rapidly retreated from, let political prisoners go, offered to destroy his nuclear toys and agreed to sit down and see if he can’t broker peace with the most powerful man on the planet.. Trump does everything from a posture of strength and resolve, the bullies have been brought to their knees, the stock market continues to hit record highs, the in balance in trade with other major players is starting to even out. Unemployment is at a record low and personal income is climbing to new heights…and still the associated press, and the three major networks daily trash Trump and TRY to make him look bad however they can… To what end?

The point of all of this is: Elections are coming:  Speak up when you hear made up trash talk and ask for facts. Speak up when you know you have disaster looming with the democratic cadre with which they are planning to rule California for the foreseeable future. Newsome and his hand pick crew for all state offices’ are a hopeless disaster waiting to happen… They want a sanctuary state and want to import as many future democrats (undocumented immigrants”) as they can to support their future agendas. Why else would they burden with working class with this uncontrolled fiscal disaster? I men, heck, come to Sacramento and the communist Mayor there will give you free housing, money ( plus $1,000 a month each month you aren’t caught breaking the law, no kidding), free food, phones, medical, dental education, lawyers etc. (everyone should have a home, Mayor Phil says and no one should have to work if they don’t want to and the taxpayers should feel honored to work 24/7  to provide all of this for those who just flat out “don’t want to do nothing”.  Again,I can only ask WTF?

 

God’s Plan for Aging… from the email bag.

I receive between 50 and 100 emails every day from all over and thousands of spam messages each week; thank goodness for the spam filter. I try to pick out one each week or so that I think is either funny or educational and share it with you… such as the one below. Thank you Walter Peters!

Ted:  (Old but worth seeing again huh?) Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are, walking from room to room more, getting up and down more, getting excited more, deep breathing more, remember —–it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you continually mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

*There might be something wrong with your school system… when your 15-year old thinks algebra is the gross green gunk in your fish tank.

*I hate it when we set the clocks ahead one hour… now I get my usual wake-up erection when I’m on the bus to work.

*Sears used to offer both cocaine and syringes in its home catalog… this was back when sears was profitable.

*I don’t exercise… it seems like a waste to die healthy.

*I just made her the happiest woman in the world.  I got down on one knee, took her hand in mine, looked her in the eye and asked… if she would like to go with me to target.

*Last Sunday was palm Sunday… the observance of the onetime Jesus was able to hold a basketball in one hand.

More Things for Thought

*Albeit brief, no bond is stronger than the one that exists between husbands… waiting outside the kohl’s dressing room for their wives.

*When I awaken in the morning and get out of bed the fact that everything hurts… lets me know that I’m still alive.

*Oscar Mayer wiener mobile motorists, who are responsible for getting the vehicle to its various appearances, typically ride in pairs… with the one in the passenger seat designated as riding “shotbun”.

*People typically say that chickens are stupid… but I think that screaming about the start of a new day seems pretty reasonable.

*When I was a kid kale was something people ate on a dare.

*If my girlfriend really loved me she’d stop being imaginary.

*During the Olympics in Argentina in 2016 a local headline read, “Mutilated body washes up on rio beach to be used for volleyball”… I would have suggested using a regular ball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

*The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district.

*My wife just tried to kill a small garden snake in the backyard… and by kill I mean screaming as loud as it’s humanly possible to in an attempt to make the snake’s head explode.

*I stopped complaining about insomnia… when I found out I had three uncles who died in their sleep.

*I experienced a religious revelation today.  I realized that God’s favorite word in the English language is ‘amen’… because when he hears it he knows we’re thru asking him for crap.

*I got fired from my job at the funeral home for inventing casketball.

*I’m still laughing about this schmuck back in high school ‘cuz he was bragging to me he had had 10 times more sex than I had… 10 times 0 is still 0!

*I ordered a toilet seat on-line… and now from all the ads I get you’d think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter Paige; it seemed funny at the time”… one chapter in “the confessions of Nat turner”.

*I just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph… she was not happy.

*The marriage counselor asked my why I resented my wife and I told him it was because she made me get out of a line for Bruce Springsteen tickets… something about her water breaking.

*At 6:30 I got up to take the dog for a walk.  At 6:32 I poured a cup of coffee and decided to take a quick look at Facebook… at 7:49 I tramped in dog poop on my kitchen floor.

*I went to the gym this morning for the first time in months… apparently I’m more prepared for exhuming than I am for exercising.

*My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, but with one exception… if I’m driving than she controls the radio.

*I love mint flavored ice cream because it’s easy to convince myself I’m just brushing my teeth… which is a much healthier action than shoveling ice cream down my throat.

*It’s been shown that mosquitoes urinate on you after sucking your blood… talk about adding insult to injury!  

*Always felt sorry for the fat kid at camp who only had white tee-shirts to wear… when the plethora of water guns came out he looked like the winner at a strip joints wet tee shirt contest.

*Life is like a Brazilian wax… the more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you the less painful it is.

 

© 5-18-18

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May 12th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #727 (5-11-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 726 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

The old Dixon May Fair started yesterday and runs thru Sunday… if you’ve never been, take the kids and go… It’s one of the great disappearing things about a small town left for us to enjoy.

What to do about stuff that bugs you…

The simple answer to take care of all of the things that bug you is a two-step process; say screw it, or do something about it. Bitching about it doesn’t help the problem or make it go away.

            Take aggravating TV commercials for instance. Boycott all products that have annoying commercials. Vote for the opponent of those in all aggravating political flyers or TV commercials… How about TV stations?  Change stations, put a blip in their ratings and drop them a line telling them what you did and why. Channel 3… their promos telling how they are on the spot and so great for covering things: Like the news “reporter” (reader) Brian Heap who brags about being on the ground and giving you “live reliable coverage”… Yeah like the time when he was in Las Vegas when the shooting occurred and he said on the air he locked himself in a stall in the men’s room when he heard gun shots… this is a real man, a real old fashioned “newsman” huh? Get out of my living room you fake “reporter”-pansy… Or how about the new 11 am (on Channel 10) news reader on speed who seems to think her glibly buzzing through everything somehow makes her worth watching…

… You will stay out of my living room

Now how about the Sacramento attorney’s ads; all of which are really bad but one is outstandingly the worst. (the one who looks like the anti-Christ and pimps his services as an ambulance chaser with a bible in his hand and even said you can call his number and he will pray with you) and will even come to you if you are hurt badly enough to represent a big payoff for him… just call 916-666-6666. The list of offensive legal, and other, ads goes on and on, but the point is made. Don’t reward any of them with your business or attention… This goes for commercial products too. Turn off the TV and turn off fake news which, you know, is fashioned and controlled by a small monopoly of wealthy moguls who want you to think like they want you to think and will go to any extreme to make that happen… “Local” news is not immune to this either. Who owns the Sacramento Bee, Vacaville Reporter, Vallejo Time Herald, Woodland Democrat, and Rio Vista River News?  Can you say “chains?” Did you know this publication is the only privately owned, operated and locally published media in this part of the state? Well, it is. It’s owned and operated independently by a Solano County native living right here among us… wow, how’s that for a new concept? (But: Even this paper is not completely protected from writers spewing slanted stuff).

 It’s really only the real “golden rule.” You know, he who has the gold rules) being taken to an illogical extreme. Mass media… controlled and fake news…You think not? Look at the graphic below about our country and weep…

I could go on and on but what’s the use? Most people are either to tired or too lazy or afraid to make a principled stand and find it easier to go along… just to get along.

            How about those new *&%^#$%#@ Robo calls using hijacked local numbers to get you to answer because caller ID shows a local prefix?  I had all but given up, but I now take the time to recall them and inform the buttheads I’m tracking their calls and will come and visit them personally (or at home) if I get one more call… And I very profanely tell them what I will do to them if I show up at their place of work… I hope it’s “recorded” and they share it with co-workers. Sure it takes a few minutes to holler into the phone and make threats… but you know what? It works; I haven’t had a call back from one where I screamed into the phone and threatened to track them down and break into their home and kill their goldfish…and, as a bonus, my stress level seems to be reduced after each cathartic outburst.

Sayings worth repeating…

~Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

~Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen… I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain

~The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; And to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

~Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge

~Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint- Mark Twain

~By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

~I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt

~I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

~My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

~I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. –  Zsa Zsa Gabor

~Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

~My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield

~Money can’t buy you happiness … But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

~Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP- Joe Namath

~I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

~I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it- W. C. Fields

~We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

~Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

~Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

– Phyllis Diller

~By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere – Billy Crystal…

And the cardiologist’s diet:  if it tastes good spit it out

~May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

More Things For Thought

 

*During World War II then Princess Elizabeth kept the British citizens spirits up with weekly radio broadcasts… and freestyle rap battles.

*Bottomless mimosas are good.  In fact, almost anything bottomless is good… although illegal in many states.

*She said, “I always wondered what chloroform smelled like”.

*Work is for people who don’t have solitaire on their computer.

*Every shred of true happiness my wife has ever had has been tied to people who trip and fall down… in seemingly amusing ways.

*Don’t call me fat; after all I have feelings too… mostly hunger, but nevertheless.

*I don’t understand how this climate change stuff keeps happening… even though I buy my own bags at the grocery store.

*”Why can’t you be more like him?” my mother asked me… pointing to the scene in Back to the Future where Marty Mcfly was disappearing from all the family photos.

*I just added “take home leftover pancakes” to my Daily Planner… so yes, my life is filled with danger, intrigue, and excitement.

*Can you imagine what the estate tax will be…. when the meek finally do inherit the earth?

*He closes the porn movie on his laptop, tosses the empty Cheetos bag on to the sofa nearly hitting one of the cats, alone in the basement of his mom’s house, 34, unemployed and single. He has a revelation…..”I should give life advice to people on the internet!”

*Y’know, you never see a fountain featuring a woman peeing.

*She asked “what cologne are you wearing?”…. “Spilled coffee.” I replied.

*I’ll buy into that ‘flat earth’ idea if you can explain how Helios gets his Sun Chariot back across the sky… without anyone seeing him. I’ll wait.

*The one upside to having triplets… you finally have enough babies to juggle.

*The daughter-in-law doesn’t understand why an ear infection examination requires her to get undressed… she’d find a new veterinarian but the dog really likes this doctor.

*Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains… by strategically repositioning your furniture.

*What’s a therapist”… nothing more than a professional listener who makes you feel okay about being a loser.

*No horror movie will ever be as scary… as the sight of the water coming up instead of going down when I flush the toilet at my girlfriend’s home.

*I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day… but it seems to make the other people in the office uncomfortable.

*In a society filled with eye candy…I’m a circus peanut.

*Today is Queen Elizabeth’s 92nd birthday… very few of her subjects are aware that her last name is Mountbatten-Windsor-Shabadoo.

*Teamwork, pride, commitment.  These are all words used by employers to make an employee feel good… about working for minimum wage.

*My wife said I was the worst whistler ever… or was it listener?

*I enjoy going to the gym this time of year because I find I’m both an inspiration and a perfect example… of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

*Casual racism is awful… back when I was young racists would dress up.  Sheets mostly, but still.

*Do the vendors of “The Daily Cannabis” newspaper shout “Weed all about it!”?… They so should.

*We renovated the master bathroom and my granddaughter saw it and remarked “oooh! You have two sinks!” I replied, “Yes, we do.”… She asked, “One for each hand?”

*I pulled a hamstring during last week’s Boston Marathon… an hour or so into the race I jumped off the couch to get a beer.

 *I just read that next year the San Antonio Spurs will be sponsored by the people who make Viagra… because they can’t seemingly get past a semi.

The Justified Fear in Illegal Immigrants…

Can you understand the fear in the heart of this young man?

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May 8th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #726 (5-4-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

By Ted Hickman …. Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

For the 725 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

Linda’s Birthday & Cinco d`e Mayo

My first wife Linda’s birthday is actually on Cinco d`e quarto and the very next day we celebrate Cinco d`e Mayo, a coincidence, I think not. Anyway this year I promised my true love a better birthday than last year… Last Year I was just coming off double cataract eye surgery (April 21st) and after having ocular implants inserted had a stroke (May 3rd) the day before her birthday. The next day, we went from her birthday celebration at Cache Creek buffet directly to the ER at Kaiser in Vacaville…  Bummer for her but quite a gift for me as it turned out however, because the stroke literally saved my life. In doing the diagnostics to check for a stroke they found my only remaining carotid artery was occluded (98+ per cent) to the point that in another week or less I’d probably would have been worm dirt… so three days later, just getting out of Vacaville ER we went to Kaiser Vallejo where the doctor, after checking all of the Cat scans, MRI’s etc., told Linda and family “he won’t be going home”… She immediately lost all color; not exactly what she wanted, or expected to hear.

What he meant was my condition was so severe he was admitting me to the hospital immediately. Right then and there he scheduled an operation the first thing in the morning. Wait, it gets better. So, the next morning with Linda stressed out I go into for a somewhat routine two to three hour surgery and come out five  hours later with the surgeon saying had he waited another day there may have been no need for surgery, I’d have been toast. As he started to clean the artery in the OR it disintegrated, one of only a few times he had ever seen that in the hundreds of like surgeries he has performed there… The guy’s a master… so he’s got no artery to work with so he calls for a stent, patches it in there and here I am almost as good as new… what a difference a year and a day makes huh? I’ve recouped almost everything I lost except my fine motor skills still need honing. When I get physically or mentally tired things like typing this colum become a challenge but its a small price to pay for what I retained and got back. There was no pain during all of this but there are days now with left hand and foot pain that let me know I’m not quite 100 percent yet. But I’ve fished and hunted  with my stent and new eyes and my huting/fishing skills are as crappy as they’ve ever been; but at least I can enjoy outdoor sports. I have no reason to complain. I felt a little sorry for myself at first until we saw people in physical thearpy unable to stand, move or eat by themselves and then the old saying hit home for me… You’ve heard the one?: “I felt sorry for my self because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet”.

This reminds me to put this warning out one more time…

My stroke was painless. As I hopped out of bed as usual I fell/tripped into the wall, no pain, no dizziness, no nothing. After head bashing the wall I was a little dizzy but attributed that to the head bang, which was on the May3rd. On the morning of May4th (Linda’s BD) I couldn’t tie my shoes, button my shirt by myself, couldn’t find the right holes to put on a T-shirt, put the proper leg in the proper pant leg when trying to put on pants, and couldn’t stand on one foot while trying to dress, and had lost my fine motor skills, but still I felt it was because I banged my head… Wrong!

The moral of this lovely birthday story is a warning for you and yours based on my experience and collective stroke knowledge  given to me from no less than five ER doctors and a couple of surgeons. By the way: Linda said being a relative or part of the waiting room group is a lot harder than being the patient… the stress of it all for them is nerve racking to say the least. For the patient it’s easy. A few needle sticks and you go to sleep and you wake up, or you don’t, and the family has to deal with it … so remember that if you are ever the patient… it’s harder on the ones that care about you than it is on you!

If you or a friend, or relative ever feel dizzy for no reason, have a facial distortion or numbness sit down and take inventory. Stick out your tongue, is it straight like normal, or curled? Count backwards from 100. Try to recite the alphabet. What is your name? Address? Phone number? What city are you in; do you know where’re you are? If you fail any of these tests call 911 and immediately tell them you may have had or are having a stroke. Do not get in the car or have someone drive you to the hospital…call 911 and go by ambulance, so they’ll be waiting for you with the proper machines ready. Minutes matter for your life and the amount of brain damage you could have is exponential to wasted time.

 

This is a re-run of last week’s rare wild “bobcat “photo where the editor, trying to help drew an arrow pointing to a rock at the bottom (to help you find the cat)…   The bobcat is at the very top in the very center, see it?

 

From the email bag… Thanks John!

More Things for thought 5-4-18

Apparently the unhealthier a food is the cheaper it is.  For instance, salad is several dollars while a McDouble is only $1… I wish it was the same with liquids, fruit juice $10, bourbon $1.

*I hate to admit but I find myself getting bored with internet porn… I may just have to go back to having sex.

*Why do they call it a “power outage” when there’s a disruption in your electricity… but not a “power onage” when it comes back on?

*I saw that Tonya Harding is on Dancing With the Stars… I hope her partners knees hold up.

*When I see the grandkids sitting on the couch smiling those beautiful, angelic smiles… I just know the damn cat is somewhere wrapped up in duct tape.

*I think it would be fun to be a Walmart greeter… just smile, welcomes them, and then mutter “everyone comes in, but not everyone leaves“.

*Blood is thicker than water… which is my secret to winning the annual May Fair gravy-making competition every year.

*Technically, Moses was the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

*Asked another retiree how he spends his time and he said pondering things like do we truly have free will?  Does God exist? Is the universe real? I said, “I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on while he flies.”

*”At least you’ll be safe from zombies”… I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

*A group of crows is called a ‘murder’… a group of people walking slowly and blocking the sidewalk in front of me is called a ‘motive’.

*My wife at a baby shower:  “Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8, I want to write down your exact words,”

*I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food… I hate who I was four days ago.

*I intentionally keep a very high collision deductible on my car insurance… it helps me fight the urge to sideswipe those fools that don’t use a blinker.

*One of the real benefits of eating healthy… you never have to ask question like “who ate my kale?”

*If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator… why are the ceilings mirrored?

*Some married conversations can go right to hell:  “Hey, babe, guess what? He replies, “what?”….she states, “I’m not wearing any panties!”… and he responds, “oh, need me to do some laundry?”

*Always order two toppings on your pizza… so you can eat one as an appetizer on the drive home.

*To hunt Bugs Bunny is to embark on a fool’s errand.  He is too cunning and devious.  The most you can hope for is the barrel of your gun curved back at you with a bang flag mocking you… better to hunt that half-wit Daffy.

*At the peak of his popularity it took five hours, three stylists and 7 cans of aqua-net hair spray… to get Conway Twitty’s hair “just right”.

*Was with the granddaughter watching Finding Dory and her parents called her ‘cupcake”…….how do they even know what that is?

*I almost accused a ten-year old of stealing my dance moves… it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom.

*Often when I’m in a crowd and very nervous I like to picture everyone naked.  Then I picture them fully clothed with articles of my choosing… it’s a very complex yet fashionable coping mechanism.

*People tell me I’m a bad person but I think they’re just jealous… that they can’t kick a pigeon as far as I can.

*There’s very little as disheartening as when you finally get the opportunity to spend some time with your crush at a party… and then she blows you a kiss and all the chip crumbles hit your face.

*Sorry to burst your bubble… but your waiter didn’t really think your entree selection was “an excellent choice”.

*Judas asked, “You guys all coming to the last supper?”… rest of the apostles, “why’d you call it that?”

*So I said, “Honey, it’s time to talk to him about the roaches and the fleas.” and she said, “don’t you mean the birds and the bees?”… “Oh hell no!  Have you seen his room?”

 

 

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May 8th 2018
Fairfield Product, NYC Icon George Martin Comes to speak to Dixon Rotary

Posted under 2018 NEWS Stories IV & Feature Stories from the IV & That's Life Columns

Fairfield Product, NYC Icon George Martin

Comes to speak to Dixon Rotary 

Story and photos By Ted Hickman

 The question: How does a poor black boy from a share cropper family in the segregated south in the 1950’s end up and all-pro, super bowl champion for the New York Giants… and what does that have to do with Dixon/Solano County?

Well, George D. Martin’s, strange path that started in Greenville, South Carolina took a turn for the better when his father landed a civil service job at Travis AFB and they moved to Fairfield where George was raised and started on his path to stardom at Armijo High School playing Basketball and football and was a standout… so much so he earned a free ride, full scholarship to the University of Oregon playing both football and Basketball with the Ducks earning honors as a defensive end. He was such a standout that after graduating he was drafted by the New York Giants in the 11th round where he played for 14 seasons where he was team captain and became President of the NFL players association.

In 1986, he was part of the Giants Super Bowl winning team (see Super Bowl ring in photo) and was voted NFL “man of the year” in1987.   The 6’4” Giant, both figuratively and physically, became an icon in the New York area. To get to this point in his life he credited hard work, his tenacity and Christian faith as the reason for his successes.

Anyway, George, 67, was in Dixon last Wednesday as the guest speaker of longtime friend, Dixon’s Dr. James Sanderson, (see photo, Dr. Sanderson is the short one) a Fairfield native, childhood chum, and Armijo grad too. He met George in 1974 while attending Armijo when George, a college student at the time, would return to the school to give pep talks to the student body about staying in school and working hard to obtain their personal goals. They became friends and have been ever since. George was an outstanding college player a role model to many.

He came in from NYC and had to take a flight back as soon as the Rotary luncheon was concluded. He retired from football in 1988 and founded the Sudie Smith foundation (named for his late mother-in-law) to provide scholarships for Solano county high school students graduating and entering entering the health care field.

He spoke to the Dixon group about his book: “My Journey for 911… Just Around the bend”. The book details his 9&1/2 month journey going through 13 states in all kinds of weather, where he walked across America starting in NYC and ending in San Diego; from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean (“wearing out 47 pairs of sneakers)”. He raised awareness and over $4million to help address the plight of the first responders (the forgotten heroes) to the 911 terrorist attack of the Twin towers in NYC where he lost many friends and acquaintances. When the smoke cleared, so to speak, from the tragedy another tragedy loomed… The first responders and their physical and mental injuries to them as well as their families were forgotten. George, 67, has always been involved in community service one way or the other and is currently on the board of directors of three NYC hospitals. He saw a need that wasn’t being addressed or attended to and decided to start a campaign to raise funds to offset hospital and health care costs for the unnoticed victims or 911. So he sets off to walk across American to call attention to their plight and raise funds to help them out… Which he did and his trip is detailed in his book “Just Around the Bend” available on Amazon or you can get auto graphed copies here at Dr. Sanderson’s office at 1155 Reherman Dr. (Across from the Mormon Church) for $20… with 100 percent of all sales here, there and everywhere going to the foundation for health care in Solano County.

 

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April 27th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #725 (4-27-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.comFor 724 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

 

 

Bobcats And Bass

While fishing for crappies (pronounced croppies, don’t know why) last Friday at Clearlake and catching some, and some bass, we were privy to a lone bobcat prowling the early morning shoreline (see photo and look carefully). He was close; I took these photos with my cell phone. I’ve only seen like three or four in 50+ years of hunting and fishing in northern California. There were three of us in the boat, using the electric motor and talking but “Bob” only glanced at us and slowly and quietly went on his way. Beautiful creature…Oh yeah, we brought home like 40 slab sides (white and black both) like the one in the photo with Fred Vanderwold holding it. The big early spring bite at Clearlake may be over but there are still crappies biting all over the lake.

Rattlesnake season is upon us!

A hiker is in stable condition after being bit by a rattlesnake Sunday afternoon on Mount Tamalpais, according to the California Highway Patrol. The CHP’s H-30 helicopter responded to the scene around 2:15 p.m. The Marin County Fire Department also responded and found the hiker with multiple rattlesnake bites (I don’t understand that, how do you get bit “multiple” times? One bite would be enough for me.) The hiker was flown to John Muir Medical Center in Walnut Creek. The patient was in stable condition as of 5 p.m. Sunday, according to the CHP. So what? If you are new to the area or don’t get out into the wilds much you better be aware we have rattlesnakes…especially in all of the foothills and locations near them. Watch yourself, your kids and your pets along Putah Creek and other rural areas. Watch where you step, watch where you put your hands and watch out for those that that can’t or don’t watch for themselves. These snakes are NOT rare around any of the foothills, lakes or wilderness area of California. They don’t come looking for you and generally you have to be careless and threaten them to get bit… They can be avoided with common sense and do not need to be killed on site. They provide a useful part in nature controlling destructive pests.

 

Dixon Pot Shop to open May15

 

 Shucks, No free samples…I asked and was told it wasn’t legal. Then I asked about grand opening special like .01cent joints… and that went over like a broken bong… Ain’t gonna happen… just information and stuff for sale but a good time to get all of your questions answered and see if you can replace deadly prescription chemicals you may be taking with a natural alternative. I had been trying for several years to make medicinal marihuana available for people in the Dixon area who have the proper credentials and are suffering from diseases that require strong chemical drugs to help ease the pain and discomfort or help regain part of their lost appetite.  Due to an inordinate amount of people asking me about the opening of the medical/recreational marihuana business in Dixon I contacted Haley Andrew, Director of “Dixon Wellness”. (http://www.dixonwellnesscollective.com/ and she gave me the following information:

Dixon Wellness will be opening on Tuesday May 15th, 2018 at 12 o’clock in the afternoon.  We are located at 1150 N. 1st Street – Suite B, Dixon CA 95620.  We are right next to Comfy Furniture and Schroeder’s Laundry Mat.

 

Haley said, “We will be doing a soft opening for the first couple of weeks. We will be having our hours from 12-7 – 7 days a week.  Once we are busier we will be opening our hours to earlier in the day.”

 

She added, “We are going to be open for adult use as well as medicinal cannabis sales.  To become an adult use member of the collective you will need to be over the age of 21 with a valid form of government identification.   If you are signing up as a medicinal member you will need to provide your California identification proving that you are over the age of 18 and must have a valid doctor’s recommendation to use cannabis.”

 

She finished with, “We are working hard to be open on May 15th.  We hope that everyone can make it out. Please check out our website at www.DixonWellnessCollective.com for more information and updates on our construction.  You may also call the director at (707) 640-1147 for any questions that you may have.” ***

 

 

 

2018: the ant and the grasshopper… update

 

 

 

 

This one is a little different… Two Different Versions…Two Different Morals


OLD VERSION:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter…The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!

 

 

MODERN VERSION:

 

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter… The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN,  and  ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering  grasshopper  next to a video of the ant  in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing “We shall Overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper’s sake.

Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Trump, President Bush, President Reagan, and Christopher Columbus for the grasshopper’s plight… Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview with Anderson Cooper that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer… The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s   food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again… The  grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now  abandoned, is taken over by a gang of  spiders who terrorize and ramshackle, the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood… The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.


 MORAL OF THE STORY:


 

Be careful how you vote in 2018 and 2020…I show this to you because I believe that you are an ant!… You may wish to pass this on to other ants, but don’t bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn’t understand it, anyway.

 

 

More things for thought!

***It seems more legal marijuana was sold last year then Pringles, Oreos, and Dasani combined.  This is odd…..’cuz what’s better after a joint than some Pringles, Oreos, or bottled water?

*I hate it when I see some old person…and then realize we went to high school together.

*If you think I have a big heart… you should see my butt.

*March 31 was your last chance to see a Blue Moon until the year 2020… Apparently they only come around every once in a blue moon.

*It is a scientific fact that the calories from a cheeseburger and fries will not go to your butt… if you wash them down with a diet coke.

*Eyelashes are supposed to keep crap from getting in your eye.  But when I get something in my eye it’s usually an eyelash… pretty eyeronic don’t you think?

*I’ve read that not having enough sex puts you at risk of anxiety, paranoia and depression… why no mention of carpal tunnel syndrome?

*The words election and erection are spelled very similarly and have the same meaning… a thing rising to power.

*Scientists at Britain’s Hull University caused a female fish to develop a testicle, fertilize her own eggs, and produce offspring in a process called “selfing”… it’s only a matter of time now, guys!

*Staying awake for 14 days straight can kill you… Hypnophobia is the fear of falling asleep but its duration seems to be self-limiting at two weeks.

*Very little is more entertaining than watching white people try to dance.

*A murderer and rapist won the Dating Game in 1978 but the Bachelorette refused the date because he was “too creepy”… she probably should of asked Bachelor #1 if Bachelor #2 looked like a rapist and murderer.

*My girlfriend sent me a Get Better Soon! Card… I’m not sick; I’m just a lousy lover.

*An 11-year old boy stole a cement truck and totaled two police cars before being caught… hands down he deserves the “best story at summer camp” merit badge this year.

*Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle… not between them.

*Catholics in Nicaragua observe Lent by giving up meat and instead substitute armadillo or iguana… next year I’m giving up travelling to Nicaragua for Lent.

*We were at the annual sexual harassment seminar and the boss said “we need more seats”.  I tapped my lap and said, “Here’s a place someone can sit.”… The boss said, sighing, “You’re the reason we have these damn things!”

*5% of people are addicted to exercise… the other 95% are addicted to donuts.

*Hippopotamus milk is pink… this is usually caused by the blood of the person attempting to milk a hippo. 

*Members of the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon rainforest are a very friendly people and greet each other by farting… they’re also the number one South American importer of Bush’s Baked Beans.

*Stormy Daniels says she was threatened with physical harm if she didn’t keep quiet… why?  I’d think she’d be speechless if she saw Donald Trump naked.  

*Thoreau said “every man is the builder of a temple called his body”… I’m building a waffle house.

*Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is, ladies.  It makes us feel manly, like we’re camping… with an angry bear lurking nearby.

*On my tombstone I want it written:  I now know if God exists… but I was forced to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

*Viagra makes flowers stand up straight and prolongs their shelf life up to a week… it also makes them want to be planted in inappropriately young planters.

*Spending a lot of time with someone causes you to pick up their habits… I need to go apologize to my wife who is lying on the couch in sweatpants, eating pizza and watching ESPN.

*Alligators have permanently erect penises… because without this feature alligators weren’t scary enough?

*Life, like peace of mind, can be made better through a knowledge of science… for instance, it is impossible to suffocate in a room full of your own gas.

*Teens who listen to positive music are more likely to be helpful and kind… although harder to find than Bigfoot.

*A man can reduce his chances of getting prostate cancer by having at least 4 orgasms per week… how can I start a GoFundMe account for this?

#

 

 

 

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April 21st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #724 (4-20-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 

Hero’s or Bums?

 

Their come on… Stop wondering when….Start doing now.   HERO financing makes energy-efficient home improvements a reality.
Start your “someday” project today…Live Comfortably Heating & Air Conditioning Windows & Doors Roofs & Insulation Create Energy Solar Panels Ducts & Ventilation Conserve Water*Artificial Turf Drought-Tolerant Landscaping Irrigation Systems High-Efficiency Fixtures

The Pace ProgramLast year the Dixon City Council had a quasigovernmental program (P.A.C.E.) presented to it by a person representing several companies under the government sponsored parent “Hero” program. . This is in cooperation with Solano County and is a country wide program. They explained there was a way for people, especially senior citizens to get needed home repairs from new roofs to windows to HVAC (heating/air-conditioning) done and not have to pay up front for it up front…but you can. Or you can pay it off anytime. They explained it could be added to your property taxes and amortized over like 30 years and paid bi-annually as part of your property taxes. Wow! Sounds great huh? So I thought before I recommended it to our citizens we would try it first. We had five new energy efficient “triple” pained windows installed which were to be “about $5,000-which came out to be about $6,000. All we had to do was sign an E-sig (electronic) contract from the comfort of our own home and it was a done deal… neat huh?

So we get the windows done, nice windows, great installers, and get a bill for about $6,000 and an order to sign the e-signature form to complete the deal and have our taxes go up about $200 each tax payment for the next 30 years…The bill stays with the house. So, before I signed I asked for a bill breaking down all of our costs, materials, labor, and “fees”. What I got was lame responses and a poor girl named Linda calling on a regular basis to get me to sign. She called again Wednesday and Again I told her I would sign immediately after I received the information I requested. She said she sent it to me (partial) and I again told her it was missing “what fees to whom” and the exact costs for the windows, installation and I have no proof of purchase or warranty paperwork. She gave up on me and said she would hand it over to their legal people…Oh, no, not the legal people… so I’m handing this over the city an county’s “legal people” and in the meantime warning everyone NOT to take advantage of this “great program.” Until they get their house in order and learn to pace themselves with proper billing, etc.…

I just got a call from another Hero rep who promised to get the whole thing straightened out… Just give me a complete frigging bill and proof of purchase (and “lifetime garuntee) will ya?…we’ll see. Continued until next week…

 

See “Schol” District Photo Below; S.O.S.Dolan out?

This picture was sent to me and requested I run it in this space. The sender said they had requested the school district at least correct the spelling of “School” On a school district Measure Q site page three weeks ago… and nothing was done. The question now is: So does the newspaper also own the school with the Dixon Unified “schol” district working on the Measure Q funding… The Publisher of the paper is “Dave Schol”… maybe just a coincidence; I think not? School district, fix your spelling error and get these people off my back pleze.

“Jr”…local “Lad” and family upset; I guess, WGAF?

Here I give a local lad (see head photo above) running for political office press and exposure you can’t buy, and all he and his people do is bitch. Well, this gift horse won’t make that mistake again. He, who shall remain nameless in this space, was apparently upset, as was his mommy, daddy, step daddy and members of his social club that I somehow demeaned him by calling him a “lad” or referring to him as Jr, oh no, heaven help us what slander…which seems to be his nomenclature throughout the area now and much nicer than other things he’s being called.). The “junior” nickname is a correct title for him. I am the senior member of the city council and he is the junior member. I’m sorry he doesn’t like it but facts are facts. I have had people tell me I should tell him to take some of his huge political war chest and buy a new Carhart/hoody jacket, (at a discount) from where he works (Tractor Supply). He seems to think his trademark dirty brownish jacket will fool people into thinking he is actually involved in agriculture instead of just helping out on daddy’s farm.

Either way after two disputed years on the Dixon City Council, and never getting anything accomplished for his “district,” he and his brain trust figured… “We wormed into this position why not go for the big six figure prize and get elected county supervisor… and with his stellar record of 0 for 0, why not?  He once publically accused the council of not liking him because he was “part Asian” and I set him straight during the meeting saying something like, “that’s not true,  your heritage has nothing to do with it, we don’t like you because you’re a jerk (not the exact word I used but you get the idea…)

Trying to show his “independence he votes “no” on matters that don’t matter plus he voted “No” on two of the best hires this city had ever made… A false sense of superiority and inexperience running wild! Yep. He be ready for the big time… seriously, he could be just what this election needed for an outright primary victory for the incumbent, and current Chairman of the Solano County Board of supervisors, John Vasquez (see photo above) . To get 51% during a primary election is tough especially with four candidates splitting the vote…but we’ll see won’t we.

 

Great mental exercise

…Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. Spiro Agnew
    3. Benito Mussolini
    4. Adolf Hitler
    5. Jorge Bergoglio
    6. Alfonse Capone
    7. Vladimir Putin
    8. Linda Lovelace
    9. Saddam Hussein
    10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope... Lovely, just lovely … Sometimes I really worry about you!

 

More Things for Thought!

 

HR called my son in and told him he had a bad attitude…….then they transferred him over to IT and gave him a raise.

According to my therapist having acute personality disorder……..does NOT mean I have a cute personality.

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself a bit strange…….and it’s probably this couple sitting next to me.

Unfaithful men have lower IQ’s according to studies………probably because they have less blood in their heads.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms stuck in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Does “sick of everyone’s shit” count as a mental disorder?

A co-worker asked if my beard kept me warm.  I responded with “does your mustache keep you warm?”…….and then, “where are you going?  Why are you crying, Brenda?”

I don’t need to drink to have a hangover anymore……..I just need to stay up past my usual bedtime.

The neighbor asked if she could hide the cake for her husband’s surprise party at our house……..I told her sure, if you want to be surprised when you come to pick it up.

I try to avoid things that can trigger depression…….like full-length mirrors.

I’m really glad the dog can’t talk…….because “who has a fuzzy butt” is more of a rhetorical question and doesn’t need an answer.

You know how every family has that one relative that everyone tries to avoid at holiday gatherings? I have like seventeen of them.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught us anything it’s that people with life threatening illnesses………apparently love to hike and other outdoor recreation.

I was introduced today to a fellow named Sean Bean.  Really?  It’s either “Shaun Baun” or “Seen Been”……..’cuz you just can’t have it both ways!

As you age internal pressure must be applied with great care………catching a cold increases the risk of loudly breaking wind when attempting to blow one’s nose.

When the instructions say “so simple even a child can do it”……….I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year olds with a double major at MIT.

My favorite way to eat eggs is in a brownie mix.

Burger Kings slogan “Have It Your Way” was actually shortened from the original…….”Are You Sure You Really Want to eat this? OK! Have It Your Way.”

I think the worst injury I ever sustained was the time when I got old……that shit still hurts.

Thanks to Hostess, “will you hold my Ding Dong while I tinkle?”………is something my son was overheard asking a friend at his first-grade picnic.

Turns out that saying “always remember, you’re not alone” is not particularly comforting advice……when said to someone who suffers from paranoia.

We buy and then hoard lots of Cadbury eggs and Peeps at this time of year ……that way we can say we’re having eggs for breakfast and chicken for dinner and not be lying.

Forget going to the gym, dying my hair or any type of plastic surgery…….I plan on aging disgracefully.

Occasionally hungry hippos in the wild will eat meat…….if there is a scarcity of grass, fruit, other vegetation or marbles that make up their regular diet.

Why is it acceptable to stare at any species thru binoculars…….except our own?

On this day in history in 1733 Joseph Priestly, a theologian and amateur chemist, invented carbonated water……which he then used in his weekend gig as Seltzo the Clown.

Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that necessitated the removal of his entire ass………he is now a bottomless Pitt.

If I were a more paranoid person I’d only go to Winchell’s for coffee……..at Starbucks they ask your name.

When he asked “was it good for you?”………she responded, “I could have done without the ‘Ta-Da”!

One of the hardest parts of marriage is having the ability to resist temptation………women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I don’t claim to have any idea of what happens in the dishwasher………but I would sort of assume it’s like the first 15 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan”!

#

 

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April 15th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #723 (4-13-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Friday the 13th;watch it!

 

https://www.facebook.com/

Mark Suckerberg , the owener and operator of Facebook helped screw billions (with a capital B) and exposed the personal information of only like 47 million of the people who trusted him and his “free” Facebook operation. What none of us knew, because we are too lazy to read the caveots is that we gave this billionaire goon permission to “mine” all of our personal data and sell it to the highest bidder. So his free service made im a billionaire… But don’t dispar, he appeared before a senate investigating committee and said he was “sorry” so everything is ok now./

He also admitted to “mining data” (stealing personal information, likes, dislikes, politics, etc.) from non-Facebook sources; like your phone or IPad. He told the committee he now knows it was wrong but alluded to the document that gave him permission to do this by pointing to a document bigger and thicker than the bible which all users are supposed to read and then check the box saying they agree to the terms. The U.S. senators he was trying to con and calm down weren’t fooled and told him if he couldn’t safeguard the public from this invasion of privacy, they could, and would.

 

Stuff’s a Growing…

It took us a few hours but we, my first wife Linda and I, were able to harvest a couple of meals worth  of wild asparagus just driving around in rural Dixon out by Liberty Island. At one time part of that area grew commercial asparagus and plants still pop up here and there; you just have to look (hard) for them…but it’s worth it… Much sweeter than store bought commercial stuff. The other shot shows a couple of giant lemons grown in town by a well-known, local, lemon kind of guy…. Is Linda showing a huge set and a regular one or what? Not a lot of places on the planet you can do stuff like this!

 

New Midway Overpass re-opening ceremony

today (Friday) at 10 a.m.

 

Midway Road overpass to reopen in the next couple of days

 

City Council follow up

 

Just as a follow up from last week to help the nit pickers understand, this city council has authorized funding to bring the police and fire departments up to full staff as soon as possible.  The PD still has a few spots it is working on filling as is the FD… as re-confirmed at Tuesday night’s city council meeting. These things don’t happen overnight but the groundwork has been laid and permissions given,  so it will happen… the same with the school resource officer SRO (armed police officer on campus)… It will/should happen before school starts next year.

Look for the two intersections on H. Street that border Northwest Park to have new stop signs warning lights to be installed to try to safeguard the hundreds of children who use that thoroughfare on a regular daily basis and during especially during soccer season. This is a proactive approach to a potentially dangerous, high (foot and vehicle) traffic area being taken by the city’s traffic commission and the city council. You get a ticket for running a stop sign at either of those two intersections; you’re toast.

No, can’t do that, no, we won’t do that…woulda, coulda, shoulda, and Monday morning quarterbacking…are over. You now have a problem solving, proactive elected group, dead set on getting things done and making things happen…stay tuned some more exciting stuff in the works.

 

Local lad Challenges Incumbent Supervisor

The California Attorney General announced Wednesday that he has denied permission for the City of Dixon to pursue a suit to remove Devon Minnema from his office as a Dixon City Councilman. They didn’t say he was right they just stated there was not enough concrete evidence in this case for a court to review this matter. The AG was asked to look into his election at the requests of citizens in his district (taking the matter out of the city’s hands) challenging if he really lived in the new district at the time he filed his paperwork. The matter was also sent to the Solano County Grand Jury and it is not known at this time what is going on behind those closed doors.

That’s Devon, in the photo below… second from the left

Devon Minnema, the controversially elected first term junior Dixon city councilmember, apparently feels he can run against, and beat, our current Solano County Supervisor, John Vasquez, (who is currently chairman of the board)  has tried to make a media event of two of his election signs being redecorated supposedly by some mystery person.

          I want to give Devon, with his two years’ city  experience,  and now ready to move up to county high paying politics, credit for showing something to the public that we haven’t seen before. In the Vacaville paper (which printed a picture that Devon gave them; see above) of one of his signs Devon was quoted as saying, his signs “were destroyed senselessly by those to cowardly to bring their beliefs to the marketplace of ideas. Calling them out… good for you Devon and good press space you’ve (or a family member) created for yourself. Of course talk is cheap but if you and your phantom sign alterer “coward” decide to meet let me know, I’d like to be there to take photos for you. I also can’t believe this is the same guy (acting like he has balls), who lied (documented by video) and whined about me supposedly “elbowing” him in the head (my elbow may have brushed his hair trying to get by his  stuffed chair and the wall during a city council meeting, nothing more) during a city council meeting (and has been loose with the truth on more than one occasion)… (I expect him to accuse John Vasquez of stopping on the way to a meeting and redecorating his signs) Good for you Devon… actually calling out someone by calling them a coward…in public… But,  Junior, this ain’t high school, calling someone a coward, if they exist, could have painful repercussions… Didn’t know you had it in you…But as you know, brash talk is cheap and good I guess, especially when it gets you free press.

            Being called “Enema” and a “tool” on your sign and telling everyone who didn’t know it that you are, “out for himself”… Isn’t that bad. First look at the free press space you’ve generated and secondly your floundering “campaign” now has been given to a slogan which sounds like a winner to me…  To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in Batman; what this city needs is an enema.”  You could use “What this county needs is a good Enema” …People won’t read it right but will probably remember it on the ballot… and I think it is fitting knowing what I do about you and the way you operate. Good luck. I’d like to think this will be a learning situation for a young man with a lot of promise…but like I said, I know you and realize you think there’s nothing you don’t know… and there’s your downfall… you don’t know what you don’t know.. I/we,  do!

 

More Things for Thought

*At my somewhat advanced age I’m starting to give up on my childhood dream… of solving mysteries with my pet dog.

*Marriage is equal parts of “I would die without you” and “for the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?”

*The timeline of the maturation of a man: ages 1-4 – doesn’t listen.  Ages 5-99 – it continues.

*I can never get any respect!  The wife said, “Can you pick up some milk?”  Ever the smartass I flex my bicep and reply, “what do you think?”…. wife, “just get a small carton.”

*Grandparents are the people who treat your children… the way you wish they would have treated you.

*(On a date I asked what her biggest fear was.  She said “living a life that had no meaning.  A life that wasn’t good, that had no honor and purpose, not leaving a mark on the world”… she asked me the same. I said,” spiders”.

*A group of pandas is called an “embarrassment”…  or a family reunion.

*Growing up with Sesame Street taught me the importance of things like education, empathy and kindness… Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge should be quick, clever, and brutal. 

*Every time a plumber swears… you can assume he’s going to add $75 to $100 to your bill.

*My wife and I did it in bed for over 2 hours last night… but we still didn’t finish the New York Times crossword puzzle.

*Whenever we go out to dinner I try to make it nice for the wife and hold my gas in.  But if I can’t I at least try to time them to the popping of the wine cork… last time I went thru 8 bottles of wine!

*I came home from work one night and looked around the house and remarked, “This place couldn’t get any messier!”…at which point my toddler replied, “Hold my bear”.

*Jesus, doing a crossword puzzle… “I’m stuck on 2 across.”

*Researchers postulate that the snot coating a dolphins nasal passages is necessary to produce key characteristics of their sonar clicks… you just never can hear enough about dolphin snot.

*California is now asking for coffee to be labelled with a cancer warning so it’s now official… all the best things in life are bad for you.

*If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it… that’s where I would suggest you send your kid to practice his trumpet.

*When they say ‘marriage is a bond’ I think they are somehow inferring James Bond… because you must follow orders when in the service of the queen.

*What did I learn today? When you’re driving grandma across town and she’s wearing adult diapers, don’t turn on the heated seats.

*Of course it’s nice to always think the best about someone… but still carry pepper spray and always use condoms.

*My grandpa told me over and over again… “take up smoking rather than chasing women.  It’s cheaper and easier on the heart.”

*I decided I want a name that could only be written using straight lines… so I’m changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

*They’re planning a re-release of “The Karate Kid” but 34 years later.  When Mr. Miyagi’s descendant, the new master, utters the phrase “wipe on, wipe off”… Daniel-san will ring for the nurse.

*I really don’t care for eating watermelon… I keep getting the seeds in my ears.

*All these middle-aged people are using sites like eHarmony to meet people.  Whatever happened to the old-fashioned way we used to do it… go buy a puppy and get a fake arm cast?

*I feel sorry for my wife… if it wasn’t for me everyone would call us a ‘beautiful couple’.

*Set a record at Walmart this morning.  I waited in line to speak to the manager for over 2 hours… some schmuck didn’t give me my sr. citizens discount on a two-pack of stool softeners.

*It’s a little known fact that almost every dog can smell the presence of drugs… just most of them aren’t snitches.

*Well the good news is the wife just came home from bingo in an Uber with $400 bucks… the bad news is she left with $2500 and her own car.

*The biggest difference between Easter and Passover… Christ has risen, and the bread hasn’t.

*In this year in history.  1943,  not only was the war in both Europe and the Pacific not going very well for the Americans… but the musical Oklahoma opened on Broadway (and I was born).

*It was when the wife handed me a can of Febreze thru a crack in the bathroom door… that I sensed the romance was still alive.

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April 6th 2018
That’s Life©1966 #722 (4-6-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 720 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman

Tick-tock, find and pull off…

It’s that time again… Spring means ticks…know what to do if one of these bloodsuckers latches on to you? Ignore all of the wives tales you’ve heard and just pull the damned thing off. Grasp it with tweezers as near its head as possible and pull it out… end of story. Same goes for kids and animals. Just get it off and put on some ointment if you wish. You need to check yourself, your children and pets every time you venture into the outdoors where there are high weeds. The ticks are just waiting there for something to pass by so they can latch on and get a free meal.

 

“My” AT&T “My” butt!

AT&T= All Talk and Tentacles…that will pick your pockets.

Don’t know about the rest of you but we dumped Wave cable for AT&T landline, internet and TV…   such a great deal. These unscrupulous zillionaires need to be brought back in hand by the POTUS.

They outsourced their sales, and telephone assistance/ “customer service” (same as sales) to Puerto Rico where everyone speaks “English” but no one here can understand it. The POTUS needs slap hard sanctions on companies like this that outsource needed jobs here to foreign countries and then rip off the public every chance they get; with no oversight operating a monopoly, while we pay through the nose and they rack up record profits and… many Americans go jobless while people in foreign nations get paid pennies for their jobs, which BTW, is simply reading from a prepared script set up to answer every conceivable question about their jigsaw business programs. Their accents are thick and their knowledge outside the set scripted answers is zero.

Initially, when we signed up I asked them if their service had 4-K capabilities because we planned to buy a 4-K set, they said, “yes”.

I spent over an hour and one-half Tuesday responding to a pop up note on our TV to call this number to convert over to 4K viewing… simple enough huh? I tried for an hour to do this to no avail. While I was on the phone with them, in desperation, I asked the man with a thick Indian accent where they were physically located and he said “the Philippines.” I asked for a supervisor and was denied. Then I asked to be transferred to someone in the United States and was again, refused. He said “there is no one in the US that can help you. … “And why did you want to talk to my supervisor”? “Aah, I don’t know, because you can’t answer my questions and refuse to connect me to someone in the US…. Or that you initially told me we had to get a new box at a cost of $99 and then pay seven dollars a month to get our 4kHD TV to receive your signal and do what it’s supposed to do. Then you told me a new receiver box would cost $399 plus $99 for each receiver in the house… or the that you refused to have a service person come to our house to explain matters to us…to this you just said “no, we don’t do that”…almost two hours and I finally get a guy that speaks good enough English to understand just how bad we were about to get screwed, and still did nothing but said to contact someone, maybe “tech support” online for help… Direct TV, more like direct screw you and take your money… Still don’t have anyone from tech support service or any other department coming to the house or calling me back, still no 4K and still don’t know why we didn’t get a 4K receiver to begin with. Point being; if you have problems like this with big, uncaring business…you are not alone.

Great mental exercise

…Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. Spiro Agnew
    3. Benito Mussolini
    4. Adolf Hitler
    5. Jorge Bergoglio
    6. Alfonse Capone
    7. Vladimir Putin
    8. Linda Lovelace
    9. Saddam Hussein
    10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope… Lovely, just lovely … Sometimes I really worry about you!

Why I Love Being an Elected official…

… At least this time around!

 

 

Finally, this four year elected term I really feel I’m finally making a difference and we, as a group are actually accomplishing things…all the while we are paying for the sins of our former city fathers…. So-to-speak. They got us into stuff that’s hard to get out of and they started things for which we can only maintain and take the blame for questionable judgements.

This goes back many years. I might need to explain to any new readers: I’ve been around for a while. I was elected to my first term on the city council in 1968, the second four-year term in the 70’s and the third in the 80’s and now I’m completing my fourth term ending in November of this year…That’s 16 years off and on elected by ALL of the voters (not by districts) four different times…as the need arose.

What’s different this time? A lot! We are (TCB as Elvis said))  getting things done, new business are coming to town (we now have the extra sewage capacity to handle them), the budget is balanced, and there is an ample surplus to bring all departments back to full staff as we are still pulling out of the federal government caused depression ( recession, yeal, right).

We can expect a full police department staff soon and fire department is already pretty much there, for the first time in years. Why is that important? Because we had been spending more in overtime pay that we would hiring people to the fill empty spots and do the job. We can now start to get the streets fixed, provide a school resource officer for the high school and maybe more, and start to address taxpayers and voter concerns that have been set aside for years.

Look at the school zone and safety measures being taken in an around the city. We’ve got pot holes to patch, streets to pave, and old post office to get rid of, and overpass to complete and new fire station needs to be built. It’s a good time to be a councilmember because we can actually point to things finally getting done… because we, the majority agree on what’s important and have put many things in motion and expect to see them done.

 

More Things for Thought

*”Kind of a thick horizontal curvy line, two more thinner lines running vertically also sorta wavy, 2 bold straight lines, a squiggly line, a thicker squiggly line, and two dots”… Japanese spelling bee.

*Today I have been as useless as the first 38 minutes of a college basketball game.

*Tim McGraw collapsed onstage in Ireland… Faith announced he was going to be fine.  But encouraged husbands to drink plenty of water before and after working on their ‘honey-do’ lists.

*I avoid any and all arguments with the wife about the toilet seat… simply by always peeing in the sink.

*I find I’ve lost my faith in atheism.

*Studies have shown that acting confidently is the surest way to success. If you fake it, you will make it… unless you are a lion tamer.

*If technology hadn’t advanced as it has we’d have to actually write out how we feel rather than using emoji’s…..thanking God for the eggplant and peach.

*The effect of counting sheep now is available in pill form… under the trade name “lambien”.

*Stephen Hawking’s passing resulted in at least one great conversation… some schmuck trying to sound smart was talking about Hawking’s ‘great contribution to cosmetology’.

*Somewhere in the backstreets of Dublin archaeologists have unearthed the very first St. Patrick’s day dinner… the soda bread was completely untouched.

*The most disturbing sound an infant will ever hear… the sound of the parents finally sitting down in an attempt to relax.

*Tornadoes are God’s way of relocating trailer parks.

*My wife sent me a text consisting of just an exclamation point… this means she’s angry but not talking to me.

*Ancient roman charioteers would boil goat poop and vinegar to make an energy drink… please don’t give this recipe to the makers of Red Bull.

*Boy scouts taught me to always ‘be prepared’… which is why I keep porn magazines under the mattress in case the Wi-Fi goes down.

*Never hire anyone with a lazy eye… lazy eye is the gateway condition to chronic procrastination.

*Gridlock has gotten so bad now on I.S. 80… the CHP has started giving out parking tickets during rush hour.

*I bought my sister-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts… she’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I had anticipated.

*Of course I understand what gift children are… but I still prefer to fool around with the box they came in.

*Autocorrect changed ‘decaffeinated’ to ‘defecated’… despite what my wife may claim I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.  

*I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and when they do they don’t know how to do it… I believe I’ve just found my spirit animal.

*Accidentally threw out the lid to the ice cream container… now I have no choice but to eat it all.

*It was just so darn nice!  She said I’m a work of art…..or a piece of work…..or a piece…….something like that.

*I didn’t find out until I got to work this morning that these ‘exposed shoulder’ tops… are intended for women.

*Every day at the white house is like Christmas… the ‘little people’ do all the work and the big, fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

*I don’t understand how bears in the wild can eat all that salmon… without some lemon and a pinch of sea salt.

*Many people who appear “cool” suffer from feelings of inadequacy.  But not me… I suffer from inadequacy without appearing cool at all.  

*I tried to get in touch with my feminine side today… but apparently she’s still not answering my calls.

*The whole foods market I shop in is so filled with hipsters and millennials that the cashiers offer three types of bags… paper, plastic or douche.

*Finally I know!  Donald duck doesn’t wear pants because they would interfere with a gland in his butt that produces preen oil which makes his feathers resistant to water……..so what’s the deal with porky pig?

 

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March 31st 2018
That’s Life©1966 #721 (3-30-18)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 720 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

You’re day is coming…On Easter?

Turkey season opens Saturday

Species Season / Area Season Dates Daily Bag Limit Possession Limit
Wild Turkey Fall Nov 11 – Dec 10 1 either sex 2 per season
Spring General March 31 1 bearded              3 per season, combined  3 per season, combined
Additional Junior Mar 24 – 25, 2018 &
May 7 – 20, 2018
  Archery Only
Mar 31 – May 6, 2018
May 7 – May 20, 2018

The turkey photos above are old but shows the results of several hunts in the Vacaville area. Our granddaughter is holding a huge tom she took… the others were between 15 and 18 pounds.

The other photos are just reminders of some of the secondary benefits of sitting on the ground at dusk and dawn making noises like a turkey. Seems like every year, somewhere in the US a turkey hunters are shot, bit, or scared to death while just sitting in the woods minding his or her own business trying to sound like an alluring hen.

Ask local hunter, Dave Soucy, of Independent Automotive, about his encounter with a mountain lion in the Vaca foothills stealing a big tom he had just harvested. “Puckered” is to gentle of a word to use for that scenario. I had a coyote sneak up on me once while bow hunting and calling, but my little girl scream scared the crap out of him and had me do an underwear check.


You couch potatoes don’t know what you are missing.Yep, the great outdoors. Sitting on the cold ground at daybreak surrounded by natures finest ticks, mosquitoes, rattlesnakes, spiders, ants, scorpions and Lord knows what else we don’t see, is a lot better than staying in a warm bed or watching turkey hunters on TV… and we go through all of this to take a split second to harvest a tough bird that is tough to clean too… but great to deep fry. Trust me Safeway’s easier but there’s not quite anything like harvesting and eating your own fish and game… and we, and almost all hunters/fisher people we know eat ducks, geese, venison pheasant, stripers, sturgeon, bass, crappie… the list goes on and on… none of which you can buy at Safeway…except Turkey. Eating and drinking Wild Turkey is a family tradition for many.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930s, 40s, and 50s!

If YOU are One of those born Between 1925-1955, CONGRATULATIONS!

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us we are awesome! Our lives are living proof!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank…While they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored Lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes,

We had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.

And we weren’t overweight. Why… Because we were always outside playing… that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day … and, we were okay.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill; only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have play stations, Nintendo’s or X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CDs, No cell phones, and no personal computers, no internet and No chat rooms.

No, we had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and – although we were told it would happen – we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with… not everyone got a trophy

Disappointment and try to come back next year and do better. AND… only first place teams may have received trophies… Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent Bailing us out If we broke the law was unheard of … They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, Problem solvers, and Inventors ever.

The past 60 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, Failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it

The quote of the month by Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the Country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”

Great mental exercise

…Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd.  Which of the following names are you familiar with?

  1. Monica Lewinsky
    2. Spiro Agnew
    3. Benito Mussolini
    4. Adolf Hitler
    5. Jorge Bergoglio
    6. Alfonse Capone
    7. Vladimir Putin
    8. Linda Lovelace
    9. Saddam Hussein
    10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?

 Lovely, just lovely … Sometimes I really worry about you!

 

More Things for Thought

“kind of a thick horizontal curvy line, two more thinner lines running vertically also sorta wavy, 2 bold straight lines, a squiggly line, a thicker squiggly line, and two dots”……..Japanese spelling bee.

Today I have been as useless as the first 38 minutes of a college basketball game.

Tim McGraw collapsed onstage in Ireland……Faith announced he was going to be fine.  But encouraged husbands to drink plenty of water before and after working on their ‘honey-do’ lists.

I avoid any and all arguments with the wife about the toilet seat……..simply by always peeing in the sink.

I find I’ve lost my faith in Atheism.

Studies have shown that acting confidently is the surest way to success. If you fake it, you will make it……..unless you are a lion tamer.

If technology hadn’t advanced as it has we’d have to actually write out how we feel rather than using emoji’s…..thanking God for the eggplant and peach.

The effect of counting sheep now is available in pill form…….under the trade name “Lambien”.

Stephen Hawking’s passing resulted in at least one great conversation…….some schmuck trying to sound smart was talking about Hawking’s ‘great contribution to cosmetology’.

Somewhere in the backstreets of Dublin archaeologists have unearthed the very first St. Patrick’s Day dinner…….the soda bread was completely untouched.

The most disturbing sound an infant will ever hear……the sound of the parents finally sitting down in an attempt to relax.

Tornadoes are God’s way of relocating trailer parks.

My wife sent me a text consisting of just an exclamation point………this means she’s angry but not talking to me.

Ancient Roman charioteers would boil goat shit and vinegar to make an energy drink………please don’t give this recipe to the makers of Red Bull.

Boy Scouts taught me to always ‘be prepared’…….which is why I keep porn magazines under the mattress in case the Wi-Fi goes down.

Never hire anyone with a lazy eye……..lazy eye is the gateway condition to chronic procrastination.

Gridlock has gotten so bad now in my hometown…….the city has started giving out parking tickets during rush hour.

I bought my sister-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts…….she’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I had anticipated.

Of course I understand what gift children are……but I still prefer to fool around with the box they came in.

autocorrect changed ‘decaffeinated’ to ‘defecated’……..despite what my wife may claim I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and when they do they don’t know how to do it…….I believe I’ve just found my spirit animal.

Accidentally threw out the lid to the ice cream container……now I have no choice but to eat it all.

It was just so darn nice!  She said I’m a work of art…..or a piece of work…..or a piece…….something likes that.

I didn’t find out until I got to work this morning that these ‘exposed shoulder’ tops…….are intended for women.

Every day at the White House is like Christmas………the ‘little people’ do all the work and the big, fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

I don’t understand how bears in the wild can eat all that salmon…….without some lemon and a pinch of sea salt.

Many people who appear “cool” suffer from feelings of inadequacy.  But not me………I suffer from inadequacy without appearing cool at all.

I tried to get in touch with my feminine side today……..but apparently she’s still not answering my calls.

The Whole Foods market I shop in is so filled with hipsters and millennials that the cashiers offer three types of bags……paper, plastic or douche.

Finally I know!  Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants ‘cuz they would interfere with a gland in his butt that produces preen oil which makes his feathers resistant to water……..so what’s the deal with Porky Pig?

 

 

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March 23rd 2018
That’s Life©1966 #720 (3-23-18

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 719 Past consecutive columns That’s Life Columns go to www.tedhickman.com

First Day of Spring has sprung

How’s Trey doing?

(Photos by Trey Hickman)

Many people know our sons Trey and Joel and many know Trey just moved to a ranch in the rolling hills of Oklahoma (very similar to here) to help out our friends Larry and Cotton with their 1200 acre cattle/hay ranch. Larry, who’s about my age, had a health problem a little while back and they asked if Trey could come (*back) and help out.  The 24/7/365 grind can wear out young men no less a senior citizen whose done this daily program for like six or seven decades.

We met Larry and his son a few years back while hunting caribou in the sub-arctic out of Québec, Canada. Larry’s son, Lacy, and our eldest son Trey, are about the same age and have the same interests. Trey had helped out at the ranch this past *summer when they were trying to cut, bail and stack those big 1,000 pound bales (see actual field photo from Tuesday) and there weren’t enough daylight hours or help to get everything done…so along comes Trey to help out… and when he was needed again he moved back to help out in the family business. So how’s he doing? Good we guess. He is out on a ranch with plenty of work and pretty good fishing and hunting when he gets a rare spare minute. The wild pigs are kind of a new threat in this part of  Oklahoma and they are doing considerable damage on this huge ranch… and are mostly nocturnal.  So  this Tuesday, March 20th  when Trey was working on some equipment he glanced up a hill and was surprised when he saw eight of the critters a couple of hundred yards away, (not that far from the main house) and in broad daylight, so he grabbed his SKS and changed the address for four of them (see his selfie photo)… which of course won’t make a dent in the overall population… but it won’t hurt to take them out of their group’s incredible breeding cycle. It’s also why things like this that cause farmers and ranchers back there still carry files in their pickups.

The Nature Conservancy has land adjacent the ranch and of course doesn’t allow and hunting or shooting so the pigs have a safe hideaway and although there’s a zillion coyotes they don’t seem to have an effect on the pig population. The pigs breeding cycle and gustation period seem to always be on fast forward and with food, water and very little depredation their population can explode exponentially in  short order.

Don’t know how many of you have seen acres of land out in the wild rooted to the point where you would swear it was done by a tractor… it’s incredible what a group of pigs can do over night. You can see it here in the foothills if you know what you are looking for. One good bit of proof that pigs are around are the mud “rubs” on trees in the area. The second is to look under oak trees where they tear the ground up looking for acorns, worms…anything they can eat. Anyway the top photos are of four freshly retired wild hogs/pigs (smallest just under 100# and the largest about 200#… and the bottom shots are of them during the butchering process. Wild pig is right at the top of the list of the best eating animals among big game hunters. They have very little bacon because they are so lean and their diets are pure made up of things like acorns, mushroom, grasses, etc., so the meat is somewhat delicate and not at all gamey.

Truisms from the…

 

 You can thank Walter Peters for these… I haven’t really insulted/ pissed off many people lately so Walter wanted to help me out I guess… with the following:

#1.Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
#2.Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
#3.What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

#4.What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chases cars they have no intention of driving.

#5.A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in the 7th grade.
Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she’s 18.

#6. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

#7.  (My favorite)What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

#8. What’s the difference between a Texas zoo and an English zoo?
The Texas zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

#9.How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F….. Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

#10.What’s the difference between a northern USA fairy tale and a southern USA fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins ‘Once upon a time.’  A southern fairy tale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s*t…’

#11. Why is there no Disneyland in China?  No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides (Which isn’t really true when I was in China and Taiwan I was surprised that I was average height or smaller than most. I also thought I could get shoes for my small feet while there and found the national average show size in china is between 7 and 8&1/2.

 

More Things for Thought

 *Were you aware that Kraft Foods are in the process of building a new state-of-the art facility in Israel… it’s called “Cheeses of Nazareth”.

*My girlfriend left me a note; “I’m leaving you because you’re stupid and bigoted!”…. Well, I’m not stupid, I’m dyslexic, and I can’t help it if I have big toes!

*The hardest part of being a bartender is figuring out who is really drunk… and who is just stupid.

*I was just made aware that my old gym was converted into an In-‘n-Out restaurant… I just hurried and renewed my membership.

*Some guys can shave their heads and they look like a total badass… I shaved my head and looked like a roll-on deodorant.

*I remember running from a fight one day in fifth grade and my grandma saw it and said “either you fight him or you fight me!”… I whipped her butt good that day!

*People are always saying “when pigs fly” and yet we all know they don’t… but if they did I bet their wings would be delicious.

*In the beloved story by Beatrix Potter after being corrected to be politically correct, Peter Rabbit had three younger sisters… Flopsy, Mopsy and Shakira.

*There’s apparently a shortage of maternity-ward staff members… hospital authorities are, however, reluctant to label it a ‘midwife crisis’ for obvious reason

*It probably wasn’t a single-serving ice cream container… if it echoes when it’s empty.

*I hate it when my wife Linda asks me trick questions… they usually start with “do you remember…..?”

*Both her name and her living situation suggest that the dwarves may have been referring to Snow White… when they sang “high ho”. 

*If I said I was the king of the jungle… I’d be ‘lion’ to you.

*Bought the “Sounds of the Amazonian Rainforest” set of CD’s.  The first couple were very soothing, birds chirping, running water and the occasional monkey howling… since then they’re all chainsaws and bulldozers.

*I don’t know what my spirit animal is… but I do know it’s something that hibernates.

*In the Olympic spirit the Spurs will play basketball with the Warriors for 48 minutes… then a panel of judges will announce the winner.

*Boobs… proof that men can focus on more than one thing at a time.

*I’ve reached the age where I’m beginning to warm to the idea… of wandering aimlessly in parks and conversing only with pigeons.

*I was never cast in grade school plays… probably because I refused to do nude scenes.

*A friend just opened an art gallery and on our first visit my grandson loudly inquired “who ated?”… wished I was that clever.

*A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning… if you’re at a sperm bank.

*Only the male peafowls are called “peacocks”… the females are called Maude.

*I got a girl to go out with me once in high school by giving her a bottle of tonic water…you could say I Schwepped her off her feet.

*I think plaid condoms might be a popular idea… ‘cuz I’ve been told that plaid makes everything look bigger.

*I’m at my most penguin when I’m walking down the hall to get more toilet paper… with my shorts around my ankles.

*My granddaughter is in front of the TV copying the Olympic figure skating routines… I’m somewhat concerned about her future.

*Fast food bags, Starbucks cups, straw wrappers and napkins (both used and unused), plastic water bottles, 2015-2018… a traveling retrospective now on exhibit in my car.

*As a result of an unfortunate spacing error we found ourselves hosting a Superb Owl party on a recent Sunday.

*Doesn’t curling strike you as the kind of game that Mr. Miyagi would have made up… to con Daniel into cleaning his floors?

*Crows are known to return to the nest to visit their aging parents even years after leaving… usually to get their laundry done.

 

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