January 14th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #657 (1-13-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Local Tragic Stuff…

 

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*Our community suffered two big losses in the past couple of weeks with the passing of Ed Foss, right photo, and then right behind him Robert (Bob) Dohr. These men were not only personal friends but over the years gave selfishly of their time and talents to both groups and youngsters from throughout the area. Ed was a long time hunter safety instructor and among other things a gunsmith and long-time Dixon Boat Club and Dixon Game Club Member. Bob was also a current officer in the boat club and was the current President of the Dixon Game Club. Both were renowned outdoorsmen who fished and hunted and taught others how to do it. Interestingly enough they were both outstanding gourmet wildlife cooks and in big demand for cooking for big groups. Ed taught both of our son’s how to shoot properly and fixed their guns and Bob worked with us for years with Toys for Tots. These losses are one that cannot be replaced and both will be long remembered. Rest in peace you two.

 

Libertards Whine And Dine

 


2017-1-13a 

            We watched a couple of minutes of the Golden Glob Award show until they started in on our President elect. I understand millions of other viewers also tuned away from this Hollywood political left-wing propaganda tool. Meryl Streep did an Oscar winning performance with tears and all bashing the group of people who haven’t even taken office yet.

 I have a solution for them. The left wing radical libertards gathered there can solve all of the problems they whined about if they were willing to put their money where their mouths are… Will they? Of course not. They will whine, complain, nitpick and back stab about social problem they forecast.

If that group really cared they collectively can fund the Council for Arts and Entertainment with pocket change and use it as a tax deduction. They can also solve all of the social ills they perceive with their multi-multi –millions with which they are vastly over paid. They can form an association to work on everything they complained about. Will they do it? Of course not. That’s not the liberal way. Their way to cry about what the government isn’t doing with our tax dollars not volunteer to give up a few of their measly millions to help with solutions. The crowd gathered in that room has more money than many third world countries.

Then you have the surprised creeps like the former all-American hero kind of guy, Garth Brooks. He somehow has made a left turn and turned his back on his fans that made him countless millions. Throw in Canada’s Celine Deion and the millions she takes from this country every time she decides to grace us with her visit to the states. We’ve seen them both in concert and have their cd’s. Never again.

I hope POTOS Trump taxes all entertainers at 50 percent and all foreign entertainers at 75% and get some of our money back… thereby giving them a semi-legitimate reason to whine while they dine. B.S.

 

The “Land Of Fruits and Nuts” Strikes Again…

 

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            You might think this is something out of “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” but it’s not; believe it. This comes out of news stories from across the country saying, get this: A 57-year-old. I “transgender woman” and convicted killer serving a life sentence in California is getting a sex change operation with the taxpayers, of course, footing the bill. California prison officials last August approved payment for the surgery for Shiloh Heavenly Quinn who is lounging in prison after being convicted of first degree murder, kidnapping for ransom and has no possibility for parole.

California officials agreed to fund Quine’s surgery in 2015 with state money. Her/his case led a federal magistrate to provide transgender female prisoners held in men’s facilities with nightgowns and necklaces.

Joyce Hayhoe, a federal court spokeswoman, said “sex-reassignment surgeries” could cost $100,000 and added that the federal government would reimburse a portion of the state’s expenses. Wow! Is that great or what?

The Hollywood crowd certainly wouldn’t want Heavenly to be uncomfortable for the rest of his/her natural life behind bars just because he/she kidnapped and killed someone. Wait! Maybe Obama or Brown will commute his/her sentence… could happen.

…And then the rains came….

 

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*It rained some here in town. Our rain gauge overflowed at 5 inches. Our ranch looked like a lake…See Hickman Lake photo. But when you think about the folks in the Sierra having 17 feet in just a few days I guess some local flooding wasn’t that bad huh?

*City Hall had a big enough leak to cancel this week’s city council meeting because the electrical box was wet and water was in the council chambers. The meeting will probably be re-scheduled for this coming Tuesday.

* Our Solano County Supervisor has been elected chairman of the board for the coming year. Good for you John Vasquez!

*The school board/district is getting ready to spend the $30.4 million voters approved on Nov. 8 of last year. They are going to do “up-grades” to the old high school and Anderson Elementary and possibly eliminate the seventh and eighth grades at the Montessori School.

 

More Things For Thought


2016-9-30e

*What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbitt, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room… a butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.

*We have new neighbors who are the type that run marathons and such… we’re the type that when we get out of the car donut boxes fall in the driveway.

*How terrible did Maria Von Trapp’s life have to be if she included doorbells on her list of favorite things?

*After story time with my granddaughter I mused, “I wonder what the Wicked Witch’s name was”… ‘Ding Dong” she replied.  “Ding Dong, the witch, is dead”.

*I’m sorry, I can’t… I’m still trying to seize yesterday.

*It really pisses me off when people say “I’m a vegetarian except for fish”… really?  Well I’m a non-drinker except for Jack Daniels.

*Only a fraction of adults understand that there’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

*People tell you to make yourself at home… and then get all prissy when you drink their liquor and take a nap on the kitchen table.

*I’ve been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car… and I think it’s easier to get panda’s to mate.

*’Twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house… dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse.

*We live in odd times when an artist like Sia (Australian musician) doesn’t take advantage of the legal freedoms we have and change her last name to “Lateralligator”.

*I grew up in a time when a mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

*Remember when you were a kid and they said “you can be anything you want to be”… I seem to have chosen lower middle class and overweight.

*Contrary to current thought Gold, Franckincense and Myrrh is NOT a Jewish law firm.

*I’m still feeling pretty proud of myself after a Jehovah’s Witness said, “May I ask you one question?”… and I said “I think you just did.” and closed the door.

*One of the boys barged into the bathroom when I was in the shower. “I saw your peanut!” he shouted… he either mispronounced a word or made a very hurtful observation.

*Were you aware that if you hold a gift card right up close to your ear you can hear the person who bought it… saying “This’ll do.”

*Fisherman’s tip:  If you’re out on a half-day boat and someone calls you “chum”… they’re probably not being friendly.

*Opposites don’t always attract… I’ve met several sane and normal people and found nothing about them appealing.

*What’s perhaps the kindest way to tell your husband you’re menopausal…”honey!  We’re out of eggs!”

*When I see really attractive people I laugh cuz I know in the Aztec culture they’d be sacrificed to the God’s for their beauty… strange way of coping with not being attractive, but it works for me.  

*I always get a “yes” from women… but it’s more often than not followed by “That’s him, officer.”

*Told the wife that the wireless headphones she gave me for Christmas appeared to be defective… she informed me they were earmuffs.

*Good evening and I’d like to welcome you to “kleptomaniac club”… I see you already took a brochure.

*My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men so I told her to sit down and shut up… she couldn’t do either one.

*My new year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants because of the harm they do to the environment… roll on, 2017.

*I was hoping that the reason it’s called Boxing Day is because you don’t have to come home from the local bar until you’ve had 12 rounds.

*If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry then I question his value as a writer.

*Wouldn’t it be funny if Batman’s parents reappeared after forty years… surprise! Wait. WTF are you wearing?

*Did anyone else notice in the closing scene of Titanic, when Rose was floating on the door or whatever and Jack was hanging on in the water, you could hear a faint “Marco” and then an even fainter “Polo”?

 

#

 

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January 7th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #656 (1-6-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

 Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

“I wonder when all super markets in California are going to change the name of redskin potatoes… You know it’s a new law that just took effect Jan. 1.

 

Monkey Butt Survey; Or A Real One?

 laughing monkey

What to do with the city owned old Pardi Market site right across the street from Bud’s Pub?

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            Seen that Monkey Butt survey by the “city” on social media? It’s a free survey written apparently by folks with the same mindset as those who released all of the rigged “scientific” surveys/polls that showed Hillary winning the election by a landslide. This poll however has one thing all of the others don’t to make it right… ME! I think the Russians may hack this one but it won’t change the outcome.

What a crock with its list of survey questions which only lead to one conclusion… These people obviously want the only main intersection downtown parking lot turned into a copy of some other town’s idea of a “center piece”. B.S. They take it as a given the taxpayers and the city council will authorize this anti-business thing.

Here you can see some true questions with which to survey the taxpayers… the ones who have to pick up the tab. Try these on for size:

  1. Do you know the liberal nuts that held the reigns on the city had already authorized about $150,000 of your taxpayer’s money just to do the planning and for some sketches?
  2. Has anyone told you at the planned build out, the project can cost up to or over *$1,000,000 (that’s ONE MILLION dollars) for a pretty parking lot with planters and some frilly stuff.
  3. Do you know that no one has said where the money will come from to build or maintain this pipe dream should it come to fruition?
  4. Do you think it should just be paved and made into a nice looking parking lot to support our downtown businesses and give people a place to park and support those folks who have a big investment in our community?
  5. Don’t you think if the “committee” is dead set upon having a gazebo downtown the library park, with it nice shaded area, would be a good place for it?
  6. Don’t you find it funny the Chamber of Commerce and the Downtown Business Association has not spoken up to support the downtown businesses and demand ample parking for them. Two members of the current Planning Commission; one from the Chamber and one from the DDBA are supporting and pushing this, duh… go figure.

I was elected to the council two years ago with a promise (among other things) to try to reverse Dixon’s anti-business reputation. A well know Vacaville restaurant owner has reportedly just taken over the lease at Dawson’s and will present another draw for the downtown area… but he will need parking.

I also vowed to watch the taxpayer’s dollars and try to keep their taxes in check but haven’t been able, to date, to do anything about the ludicrous increases in the water and sewage rates… and they are going to get worse.

So you can take that phantom *$1,000,000 and use it will it will do the taxpayers some good. Hopefully with at least one more conservative, taxpayer minded soul on the council we can get the city out of the water business and reduce some costs while increasing services which will benefit all taxpayers… like paving some streets and getting the police department up to full staff!

Yess

 

More Things For Thought

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*If you’re skydiving and your parachute fails to deploy don’t panic, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

*I have an eating disorder… I’m about to eat disorder of fries, disorder of pizza, and disorder of nuggets.

*Yoko Ono is going to be on Bear Grylls TV show to advise on survival techniques… apparently she’s some kind of expert since she’s managed to live off a Beatle for at least 30 years.

*My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex… she says it makes her armpits sore for days.

*I’ve invented a new perfume made from holy water… I call it “Eau My God”.

*Some men think using a moisturizer after they shave is a bit gay… I don’t.  I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

*My parents just recently admitted to me that they were inebriated on cheap Australian beer the night I was conceived… it’s not easy finding out you’re a Foster’s child.

*I just watched the uncut version of Scarface… it’s just called Face.

*Saw the super moon the other night.  It was really big!  Huge!  Ginormous! I just wish the wife would close the door when she’s in the shower.

*So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means… t’s not the end of the world!  

*My girlfriend told me I should use the term ‘make love’ instead of the ‘F-word’… what the make love is she talking about?

*To whatever smartass hid my shoes while I was playing in the bouncy castle… grow up!

*Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day… teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on equipment he will use three times a year.

*What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician…the letter “F”.

*The wife kept going on and on harping about what she should use the empty drawer for… eventually I told her to put a sock in it.

*When I was growing up plastic surgery was kind of a forbidden subject… these days mention “Botox” and no one raises an eyebrow. (Yuck-Yuck)

*I just saw a transvestite in a mini-skirt and thot “wow!  That shows a lot of balls!”

*It looks like the wife is finally going to go on a diet… I overheard her saying to her sister “I think it’s about time I got rid of that useless lard-ass”.

*I miss my umbilical cord… I grew attached to it.

*I’ve decided to get a tattoo of a motorcycle on my butt… that way I’ll have something to explain the skid marks in my shorts.

*The forty-niners visited an orphanage in San Francisco yesterday… “It’s heartbreaking to see their faces with no hope” said Tommy, age 6.

*The man who wrote the book on anagrams died yesterday… May he erect a penis.

*She said she wanted me to put the magic back in our relationship… I don’t think sawing her in half was what she had in mind.

*The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence… ‘cuz if she doesn’t have that then there’s a good chance she’ll go out with me.

*My neighbor took his dog to the park to play Frisbee with him… it was useless, he needs a flatter dog.

*Damn! What a session that was in the bedroom.  God only knows how many calories I burned… I hate putting new sheets on the bed.

*I had a real struggle with diarrhea and quite a bout with hypercholesterolemia… but I finally won the spelling bee.

*My wife asked me what my favorite time of day for having sex was… apparently, “when you’re at work” was the wrong answer. 

*Just as bugs are drawn to the bright lights… so are my pinkie-toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

*It’s so important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “my, you’re getting a little chunky.”

 

 

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December 30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #655A (12-30-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 2016-12-30

            Here it is…the eve before New Year’s Eve and all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my stupid computer mouse …  So 2016 is history, thank God. 2017 has to be better don’t you think?

The really bright spot for us was the 50th anniversary of the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs that came off without a hitch. It hgappened with the help of hundreds of volunteers and outstanding participation by the various businesses and service clubs, like the Lions, which jumped into help about 600 kids and 100 seniors have a better Christmas.. The latest big help being Pedrick Produce (out on the highway just over the overpass just off Pedrick Rd- duh) supplying all of the fresh fruit for over 100 seniors for the Christmas Eve special delivery. If you’ve never been there, go. You’ll see a lot of folks you don’t know on their way to or from Tahoe stopping to get their fix of goodies for the road and of course folks from the People’s Republic of Davis snatching up their needed farm fresh veggies. It’s a wonderful little place owned by a great local couple.

The next group that has our undying gratitude is the volunteers that saved the few of us from an all-day clean up on the 26th. Our Christmas present came in the form of the Dixon Fire Department (with their tall ladders an help) and more than a dozen men, women and children who showed up to help us this year. In an unbelievable two hours, all of Santa’s stuff was stashed away and the entire Denverton Hall at the fairgrounds was put back in its original form, clean as a whistle (whatever that means). With our slim crew that usually has to do this it would have taken six hours or more eating up a whole day. What a great present for us, thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

From the Email: “Ted: I used to think you were just a regular guy, but …”

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You were born white, which now, whether you like it or not, makes you a racist.

You are a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes you a fascist.

You are heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes you homophobic.

You are non-union, which makes you a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

You support a Judeo/Christian nation, which now labels you as an infidel.

You believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes you a member of the vast gun lobby.

You are older than 60, which makes you a useless old man.

You think and you reason, therefore you doubt much that the main stream media tells you, which must make you a reactionary.

You are proud of your heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes you a xenophobe.

You value your safety and that of your family and you appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes you a right-wing extremist.

You believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes you an anti-socialist.

You believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes you a militant.

Now, a loser and shrew of a woman, called me and my friends a basket of deplorables. Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking! I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny… it’s all just taken place over the last eight years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with… I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

Looks like a change is at hand in this game since Obama played the race card,

Hillary played the woman card and America played the Trump card!

 

More Things For Thought

 

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*I think it’s just adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list… like I’d somehow forget.

*The neighbor’s four-year old sang in church Sunday for the first time, and no matter if it was the wrong song… there’s never a bad time for “we will rock you’!

*”Tender and mild”, a good way to describe take-out chicken… not so good for a holy infant.

*Day 4 of the all-day Christmas music on the PR system at work… Googled “Christmas cane prison shank”.

*I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

*It’s difficult to try and be romantic when the darned dog always eats the trail of Mc Nuggets leading to the bedroom.

*An enterprising divorce lawyer could do quite well if he would set up a booth at a Sunday cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

*Just saw a sign outside a church that said “Santa Claus never died for anyone”… but I also realized Jesus never brought me a G.I. Joe helicopter or a bike.

*I was ‘born to be wild’… but only till about 9:30 or so.

*”When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child”… when I became a man I did that stuff online.

*When killing them with kindness fails to do the job… try a blunt object.  Results may vary.

*The hot chick at the bar just informed everyone she was gonna do something stupid tonight… I made a point of telling her I only had a 1.7gpa in high school.

*Humans are the only creatures in this universe that cut the trees, turn them into paper, and then write “save the trees” on it.

*If you go out with a group of people it’s called ‘Christmas caroling’… if you go alone they call it ‘creating a public nuisance’.

*Reports are circulating that Ivanka Trump may take on some of the roles of the first lady… still no word on who will handle the duties of the President.

*We live in a society where people seemingly readily accept oral sex as normal behavior… but still freak out when you double dip a chip.

*Kim Kardashian is stuck with a huge ass… but enough about Kanye West.

*If you read the entire dictionary then technically you’ve read every book ever written… just out of order.

*”I” before “e” except after “c”…unless you’re an 8 year-old planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

*Are we sure that the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

*I won a trip to Hawaii but I’m not going to go. I’m way too white for the beach… seagulls think I’m bread.

*There are only four things you can be when you go out with your friends. Sober, tipsy, drunk and hungover… tipsy is the only where you don’t cry when you’re doing it.

*I feel really sorry for Muslim terrorists… how many heads do they have to chop off before people realize Islam is a “religion of peace”?

*When I was a kid I asked my aunt what a ‘couple’ was. She told me “oh, 2 or 3″… no wonder her marriages never lasted.

*I’m so tired of the distinction type I diabetes and type II diabetes which is confusing… I prefer ‘not your fault’ diabetes and ‘mostly your fault’ diabetes.

*Apparently one in three Europeans are conceived in an Ikea bed… which is just nuts ‘cuz those places are very well lit.

*Let me tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God… contact lenses.

*A 25 year-old just told me she’s going to rock my world… I’m more than twice her age so I assume she’s going to tell me where to find comfortable shoes and soft food.

*Neither Muslims or Jews eat pork…. made me wonder, is there something in pork that makes you less excitable?

*Drug use, in my opinion, gets a lot of undue criticism.  Look at all the great things it’s given us like rock ‘n roll… and some really amazing sporting achievements.

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December 30th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #653A (12-23-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Twas the Night before Christmas Eve…

 

Here it is the night before-the night before Christmas and all through our home old Christmas stories are flowing like something that rhymes with home.

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  1. Our all-time personal favorite is about our youngest son Joel, (who is now 37 and a fire-fighter-para-medic in Elk Grove) who was around eight years old at the time. He was at that age when believing in Santa was an iffy. He knew there was a Santa because every year since birth the real Santa brought him and his brother gifts and gave them to them personally. Santa gave them their bikes, toys and even a waterbed. Anyway, he came home from school saying his classmates were chiding him because he believed in Santa and defended his belief based on the fact Santa literally came to his house each year and gave him and his brother their gifts.

So he comes home from school in a huff saying the kids were making fun of him for believing in Santa. From a young age challenging the status quo never bothered him and he had a Rube Goldberg way of fixing things and making things happen. So not detoured, he came home in a huff to show those dummies in his class Santa did indeed exist. On Christmas Eve he set up an elaborate (remember he’s like 8) system of Lincoln logs, fishing line zig zagged all over the living room attached to a Polaroid camera to catch a picture of Santa when he came to the house. The bait of course was a glass of milk and cookies in the living room by the Christmas tree.

Well Santa did come to our house as usual while Joel and his brother were sleeping and Christmas morning instead of rushing to see what Santa left Joel rushed to see if his “Santa trap” caught anything… and you know what? It did. Laying just outside the Polaroid camera was a single picture of the real Santa with a startled look on his face with a half-eaten cookie and a glass of milk in his hand right in front of our Christmas tree,

He took the picture back to school and convinced the doubters that Santa Claus was real and he had the proof… so for at least one more year a group of eight year olds believed because they had seen proof of his existence. The next year when the question came up again I gave the same answer I/we’ve given for 50+ years…. “If you believe there is a Santa there is…. If you don’t believe there is, then there isn’t!”

 

The Little Boy’s Last Request

 

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          A couple of decades ago there was a little boy named Michael Drake that live in Dixon. He had a terrible disease that was eating his body up at a rapid rate. The community put together fund raisers to help out the family because he needed blood transfusions to simply stay alive.

When we found the end was nearing we contacted his parents and asked about an in-home visit for him and his sister. They were delighted and said that was the one thing he wanted more than anything… to see Santa, but they couldn’t take him out.

Santa at the time had an alter ego by the name of Jack Fry, a rough voiced, truck driving red neck that helped us out for over 20 years. We talked it over and decided to do whatever it took to give the boy a great Christmas. So one evening very close to Christmas, after a 10 hour day of seeing hundreds of children we made arrangements to meet the boy and his sister and parents at their house a 6 p.m. We got there on a cold foggy night and they weren’t there. We tracked them down and found out he had to have another emergency blood transfusion and the parents said they wouldn’t expect us to wait. Jack and our eldest son Trey looked at each other and said we would wait as long as it took. We sat in the cold truck for a couple of hours until they showed up. We made a grand entrance with Santa’s bells tinkling a little more subdued than usual and a quitter tone. The boy and his sister we more than delighted.  We toned everything down. Michael asked if Santa would play cars with him. Santa was a big 300 or so pounds but he got down on the floor and for about a half and hour we watched as the boy and his sister opened their gifts and then our gentle giant of a Santa played with the children. After about 45 minutes Michael said, “Santa I’m sorry I’m awfully tired would you mind if I went to bed”. He gave Santa a long hug and, his energy completely drained, slowly went to bed. His parents, with moist eyes thanked us and said how much it meant to the kids and them. We went out to the truck and it was the first and only time I ever saw Santa cry. The second time, although he tried to hide it, was a few days later when the boy passed away.

 

 

“See Momma I Told You…”

 

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                      Back further than that even was the family that gave us all the incentive we needed to carry on for another year. Each year it seems there’s one that makes you want to put forth the effort one more time. This time it was a family of a woman and her three little blond girls. They lived in a little house by the Catholic Church and we found out about them at the 12th hour on Christmas Eve. Again the crew was tired but we got our stuff together because we heard the youngest, maybe six or seven, told her mom not to worry because Santa Claus would come and bring them presents. It broke the mother’s heart to tell them she had NO money and there would be no presents this year because there really was no Santa Claus. Daddy had taken all the money and left the family and they had nothing.

We put together a food basket, plenty of toys and didn’t even tell mom we were coming. I knocked on the door and asked the family to assembly in the main room and all of a sudden, in a rush, comes Santa bells a jingling and ho-ho-hoing. We were stopped dead in our track when the littlest girl got an angry look on her face, put her hands on her hips and spit out… “See momma I told you there was too a Santa Claus!” Mom cried, the girls cried and Santa was speechless for a moment. It was a defining moment which has stayed with us for decades but brings homes the point… If you believe there is a Santa Claus there is!

 

 

This one is priceless

 

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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.  He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To:  My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2015

I know you’re surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.
I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

 

 

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December 17th 2016

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Fruit Company Donation…Lions, Oddfellows, Rotary…

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          Incredible is the only way to describe it. Along with all of the monetary contributions which will cover expenses again for the 50th year, a new patron pops up. We went to the Vacaville Fruit Company to see about buying really good little dried fruit thingies for the 110 senior gift baskets. We talked to the owner and purchased a few things and she said she had a canceled order she would like to move and I offered to buy it at a discount and she said, “How about free?” She then donated over $1,100 gifts things for the senior program because she liked what we are doing… Is that great or what… and from Vacaville none the less. All within a week then Dixon Rotary (Pic #2-$1,000), Dixon Lions Club ($2,000). Dixon Oddfellows (Pic #1-$1,000) California Water Service ( Pic # 4-$1,000), Disney Club  of N. Ca.($1,000 worth of new toys) along with many others let us make the food for families and senior baskets even more special for our 50th consecutive year of operation all of these programs. Thank you never seems to be enough.

Community Christmas Programs Needs Coats Boys Size 5 Through Small Adult Sizes. Take to Dixon P.D. /F.D. City Hall or around town.

 Copy of 2009 TFT and Legion (92)

How Our City Government is Supposed to work!

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         At times there seems to be some confusion, believe it or not, as to what kind of local government we have. We don’t have a strong mayor type of government. We do have a city manager form. This form has five elected officials that set policy which is carried our by the city manager. The city manager hires and fires all employees and runs the day to day business of the city and manages all of its factions.

The mayor’s and city treasurer’s positions are elected “at large” meaning everyone gets to vote for them. The other four councilmembers are now elected by districts with each district having an equal balance of Hispanic voters of about 43%.

The mayor is just one of five votes and acts as the city’s spokesperson and carries out the will of the majority of the council. The position is powerless to do anything by itself. The position has no special power and cannot independently make any decision, policy or otherwise, without majority council approval. The position is to chair the meetings and represent the city on various boards and committees where the will of the council is expressed.

Sounds complicated but it’s not. There are five city council people with one titled mayor to run the meetings. The mayor DOES NOT run the city and cannot independently make any decisions policy or otherwise without majority council approval… So there it is. Like it or not that’s the kind of government we have and it seems to work well for our people. I personally will not allow Obama type, one man decisions, to happen when brought by any one councilman or the mayor…. In other words we will all work together for you or there will be turmoil right in no river city.   Sacramento’s popular mayor tried to change city government to a “strong mayor” system where the mayor replaces the city manager and had his butt handed to him. Citizens want diversity and the “power” such as it is equally divided among five officials… and it works that way… and that’s the way it is!

 

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

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My first wife Linda and I were in a busy shopping center now, just before Christmas.  Linda suddenly noticed that I was missing, and as we had a lot to do, so she called me on the cell phone. Linda said, “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.” I said “You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?  I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down Linda’s cheek and she got all choked up…”Yes, I do remember that shop.” she replied. “Well I am in the sporting goods store next door to that place.”

More Things For Thought

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*The wife asked me if I had used her expensive shampoo again… but as I shook my head no my lustrous hair gave me away.

*My good friend is a Jehovah’s Witness and is always pissed off at me… when he tries to tell me knock-knock jokes I ignore him.

*To those who say that cursing is the sign of a limited vocabulary… you’re an audacious, ideologically unsound, presumptuous sonuvab#@%*!

*It’s hard for me to be a politician because every time it’s my turn to speak in a debate I feel like starting with “listen you idiot…”

*There are just some sounds that everyone loves: Waves breaking on a beach, shoes on gravel, the snapping of the necks of those people who think they can disrespect you, cats purring.

*Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year not being a turkey should probably be the main one.

*Spoiler alert: The book “What to expect when you’re expecting”? it’s a baby. .. You’re expecting a baby.”

*Husbands find it difficult to listen to their wives because their brains are so full of important information… about cars, beer, and naked women.

*America: My ancestors didn’t give up everything and travel 4000 miles for the place to be overrun by immigrants.

*All the quarterbacks on my fantasy lingerie football team throw like girls.

*Being American is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer then on the way home getting a Mexican taco or Chinese take-out to then sit on Swedish furniture and watch an Italian movie on a Japanese TV.

*There’s just no reason good enough to explain why the word “chunks” should be on a canned food label.

*After lengthy reflection I’ve concluded having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

*Saying the same thing over and over while hoping for a different result is called parenting.

*One of those subtle things to be thankful for at thanksgiving… every family member will have their mouth stuffed so full you don’t have to listen to their insanity.

*Do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year… or once every two years?

*Some days I dance on my bed nearly naked and sing into my hairbrush… other days I take my meds.

*The waiter just guessed I wanted my steak ‘medium-rare’ and so I said “well done!”… and thus began our very own “who’s on first” routine.

*The lack of proof that Jennifer Hewitt is stalking me just convinces me further that she is very, very good at it. 

*I only went to the church’s Christmas choir festival because I thought “a Capella” meant with ice cream.

*The simple fact that the dog no longer fears the hair dryer but still freaks out at the vacuum cleaner should tell you all you need to know… about the wife’s housekeeping skills.

*Donald trump has intimated that he will outlaw the sale of shredded cheese… in his attempt to make America grate again.

*I’ve never made eggplant before… is it better fried or scrambled?

*The worst kind of insomnia is called “snoring induced insomnia”… it’s defined as when you start snoring your wife shoves you to awaken you.

*I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” and “headache” don’t rhyme.

*I’m starting my diet and intensive physical training tomorrow… I’m sincerely hoping I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep tonight.

*Women all seem to want security… at least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

*They called the company “Weight Watcher’s” because they felt that “obesity observers” was too cerebral.

*A political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially… so now plans are afoot to sneak into Syria and build them whole foods.

*At a family gathering we were looking at old pictures and the question was asked “Whose funeral was this one taken at?”… and the greatest answer of all time, “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing!”

 

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December 10th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #651 (12-9-16

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

Dixon TFT’s/Community Christmas Programs

 

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As we set the wheels in motion one more time (for the 50th time actually) I/we really want to thank the hundreds of volunteers and the dozens of clubs, businesses and individuals that finance these programs year after year. People try to thank us, or the fire department or the city… and we correct then and tell them they only can thank the good people of Dixon who make it possible for Santa to do his job here. This is a private, non-government funded, 501C-3 non-profit organization, with no paid folks, run entirely by volunteers. Pictured are some of Santa’s Elves from the recent past. You can’t see it, but he’s smiling!

This year we are in pretty good shape this year with only a drastic need for clean, warm, children clothing, and some volunteers for the Christmas Eve senior visit/gift basket program and the really big need for folks to help on the 26th dismantling Santa’s workshop.

Just Got Back From My One Week

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Just got back, and I mean “just,” from my one week-a-year vacation of sorts. Our eldest son Trey and I spent a week near Tahlequah (tell-a-qua) Oklahoma hunting for whitetail deer on our dear friends Larry and Cotton Lockwood’s 1200 acre cattle ranch. Cotton is a good part Cherokee Indian and they live and thrive in the heart of the Cherokee Nation. Their son Lacy is good friends with our son Trey are about the same age and they have a lot in common.

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            To make a short story long… We hunted the last five days of the Oklahoma rifle season and just by chance hit the end, and resurgence of a late rut. We saw few does or fawns and not many bucks but were able to harvest our limits of these delicious animals. Non hunters don’t realize that 99.9 % of your hunting time is being exposed to views like the one pictured here. A split second is the actual shooting time and then the hours of long work ensue processing the animal. We (I) hunted about 10 hours a day and saw only three bucks and one doe during those five days even though there are hundreds of deer on this ranch. You have to hunt from a stand because the fallen dead leaves make it impossible move around…so you sit, and sit, and wait and wait until something moves in the distance. Your heart starts beating faster and you go over your mental check list required to make a clean shot.

On our first morning Trey and I harvested these two nice bucks and while skinning one of them with our host Lacy, Trey’s knife slipped and cut his left ring finger to the bone severing the tendon and exposed it to deer blood. So while we finished dressing out his deer. The patriarch of the family, Larry, took off with Trey to the hospital in Tahlequah. They opened it up saw the damage, stitched it back up, gave him a painful shot in each butt cheek, and said to get to a surgeon the next day. So the next day it was off to Tulsa to a hand surgeon who looked at it and the next day he was in surgery to have it opened up, the tendon stitched back together and a metal pin placed all the way in the middle of it and then a cast for the next six weeks. He suffered quite a bit on Friday and Saturday but managed to hunt a little on the last day, this past Sunday, and somehow got off a braced shot one handed.

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Last year I took Larry some gold ball sized walnuts we came across and this year he outdid me with some giant Burr acorns (akerns is how they are pronounced there). He and Cotton are pictured checking on the market prices for giant acorns since cattle prices are down. He has at least two of the big trees on his ranch and said the giant nuts are hard to get to because the squirrels are quick and relentless to get and put away all they can. I guess he beat up a couple of the little critters and stole a couple from them for me to bring home… and they are BIG. The picture shows the nut and cap and a shelled one with a meat the size of a half-dollar. I don’t know what I can take him next year to out do that.

While I Was Waiting

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            While I was waiting, and waiting and waiting… I had plenty of cattle to observe things including some Texas Longhorns and some Watusi (pictured here) that were in with the regulars. When you have dozens of hours of day light with about the only noises being a cow chewing every now and then, you have more than enough time to think. I came to the conclusion that if the Hindus are right and we are reincarnated and can come back as cows… count me in.

I mean how cool would it be to be a bull. Here’s a bull’s day as I see it: Sleep, wake up, eat, drink fertilize the ground, and try to make new little cows, fertilize the ground… and the next day repeat. I mean the bulls seem to swagger around mooing off lines like, “Hey mama, nice set of udders you have there, wanna have a kid…if not there’s hundreds more out there that do.” I mean I could do that. They don’t even make hamburger out of you because you are a real “cash cow” sex machine… not a bad job on the scale of things when you think you could come back as snail or a dung beetle.

More Things For Thought

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*Expecting your spouse to admit they’re wrong is comparable to trying to put socks on an octopus.

*My brother-in-law still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get his kids into Harvard.

*If I were Hillary I think I would just ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.

*You know you’re old and out of shape when you lift your leg to pass gas and pull a hamstring.

*I saw a billboard that had a picture of a diamond ring and said “Be Her Romeo”… apparently they haven’t read Shakespeare.

*Way too many people confuse “freedom of speech” with “saying stupid crap”.

*I decorate for Halloween by opening the drapes and walking around the house naked… pretty scary stuff for the neighbors.

*Michael Phelps really inspired me this summer.   No, I’m not going to start swimming… but the 8,000 calories a day sounds good.

* I’m going to have kids pick between raisins or a toothbrush… maybe then they’ll understand what the adults went thru with this election.

*The wife’s a busy woman… she just lets the smoke alarm tell her when the chickens done.

*Just in case no one told you today… you’re beautiful… I love you… nice butt.

*My parrot died today.  Its last words were “damn, I think my parrot is about to die!”

*I would call my fashion style “clothes that still fit”.

*Ever wonder how many times you were sitting around a campfire with the guys telling ghost stories… and the ghosts were right there too saying “I never did that crap!  He’s not even telling it right!”

*What do you call a hooker’s gas passing?… a prosti-toot!

*I’m actually very pleasant to be around unless I’m hungry, sick, tired, hot or cold, need to pee, lost my phone, bleeding, thirsty, feeling unappreciated, or otherwise slightly uncomfortable.

*The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

*Happy wife, happy life…unfortunately, nothing rhymes with happy husband.

*All I’m saying is that if Trump was really friends with the gay people one of them would have fixed his hair and make-up by now.

*Things that keep me awake at night… how do you handcuff a guy who only has one arm?

*My son’s girl friend asked him when was the last time he went out with someone other than her.  He told her “09”… he thought that sounded better than “September”.

*Picture someone you think is maybe a little cute, sorta attractive, but you’re not sure… now, picture them holding a pizza box.

*Well then, how about the horse you rode in on… is it seeing anyone?

*The dumbing down of America:  My grandson had a multiple choice math test (wtf?)…..Q:  what are the two small parallel lines?  A. Double negative  B. Equal sign  C.  Eleven fell over

*One of the theories circulating as to the shortage of bees around now is that a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. But, Gov. Brown will release them shortly.

*It’s hard to believe the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago… most of them don’t look a day over 30.

*Would anyone like to join me in wishing a very happy third birthday to the aluminum foil covered unlabeled bowl in my refrigerator?

*There is no louder sound than the crunch of something you’re not supposed to be eating.

*Why do they call it erectile dysfunction… and not degenerative bone disease?

*The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it really is.

 

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November 25th 2016
Dixon Toys for Tots NEWS RELEASE 2.

Posted under That's Life Columns

Dixon Toys For Tots/Christmas Programs

Kicks off 50th year of operation this week

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Celebrating its 50th consecutive years of operation the Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs decided this past week to put out the collection boxes a week earlier than usual. With the cold weather setting in there appears to be a looming critical need for warm children’s coats.

There are now 13 boxes placed around Dixon to collect both toys and coats; with coats having the highest priority according to Pam Murdock, (707-685-4485) coat chairperson. The goal again this year is to collect about 1,000 warm, clean children’s coats. Sweaters, sweatshirts and other gently used warm clothing from newborn to high school age are also needed.

Shane Nichols (flyboynichols@gmail.com) and Randy Aguirre have placed collection boxes at: Dixon City Hall, police department, fire department, First Northern Bank, Cynde’s Place, Ace Hardware, Tractor Supply, Dixon Dance Studio, Curves, Ramtown Karate, the Scrapbook Store, the UPS Store, C-21 Real Estate office and Travis Credit Union. Other businesses that wish to have a box, and have the space and security for one, can call 707-678-2203 and request one.

Families can sign up for the various programs on December 6, 7, and 8 from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at the Dixon Fire Department on Ford Way. Question about signups can be answered by Tanace Hatchel at 707-330-8626.

Financial donations can be made at either the First Northern Bank or Wels Fargo under the Name of Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs. So far this year the programs are only about one-third of the way to their financial goal and the amount of families to receive food for the three weeks their children are out of school will be determined by the success of the fund drive according to chairperson Ted Hickman. He said an estimated 300 families with about 600 children will apply for assistance this year. In addition to Santa’s Workshop, food for families, coats, trees, etc. over 100 senior citizens will be visited by volunteers on Christmas Eve and presented with a gift basket. The senior coordinator is Monica Sepulveda (405-365-4455).

The Christmas programs are carried out by an all-volunteer seasonal army of hundreds of local citizens and financed strictly by private donations with no government involvement or assistance, according to Hickman. He said all of this is done in the spirit of the holiday to make sure no child or senior goes hungry or without a visit from Santa or one of his helpers before Christmas.

For information on the programs for Spanish speaking people  call Arlene Jimenez at 707-676-5104 or Jose or Lorena Perez at 707-384-3251.

 

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November 25th 2016
2016 Dixon Toys for Tots Coats for Kids

Posted under That's Life Columns

With really cold weather now approaching the local Dixon Christmas programs to help the less fortunate is well underway with a plea for warm, clean, lightly used children’s clothing, according to Coats for Kids chairperson, Pam Murdock. She said, “If everyone could see the hundreds of chilly children we see coming into Santa’s Workshop I’m sure they would go through their closets and find coats their children have out grown and donate then to our program”.

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Dixon Toys for Tots/Community Christmas Programs collection boxes have been placed at: Dixon City Hall, police department, fire department, First Northern Bank, Cynde’s Place, Ace Hardware, Tractor Supply, Dixon Dance Studio, Curves, Ramtown Karate, the Scrapbook Store, the UPS Store, C-21 Real Estate office and Travis Credit Union. Other businesses that wish to have a box, and have the space and security for one, can call 707-678-2203 and request one.

 

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November 25th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #649 (11-25-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Is now in full operation…


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

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Black Friday Special 95% OFf

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            Never thought I ever root against the 49ers but between the players doing their vulgar sissy “look only at me” dances and Colon Crap-er-nick doing his anti-American-anti-cop crap, I, like thousands of others, want them to lose. Gotta admit Colon is doing a great $15 million job of destroying the coach and the club. His record setting performance will be long remembered as the loosingist quarterback in franchise history. I just feel sorry for the coach and other players. If he can protest with one knee everyone else who supports law enforcement and our servicemen and women- can protest his protest- with one finger.

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wwwwpissed off

Now to add insult to injury this pride of Turdlock, Ca. Told the press he “refused to vote in this election”… now he admits he didn’t vote in this election… or any election… because he isn’t even registered to vote and never has been. What a role model for young Democrats huh? Karma is busting his chops and I’m still waiting for a big opposing line man who has a relative that is in the service or law enforcement to pile drive him… or at least break the knee he uses to “protest”.

In order to seem like he really cared he reportedly is setting up a tax shelter of $1 million to work on social problems. I can see him getting “injured” again in the near future so he can collect his millions for not working… again. They need to boot this bum out of San Francisco… No wait, can’t do that SF is a “sanctuary city” that may soon be losing is federal funding (Yea) and they’ll need him as their anti-stuff fund raiser to pay their bills… Go Raiders!

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 A Congressional Limerick

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            There once was a congressman named Weiner,

Who had a perverted demeanor

He was forced from the hill,

for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

 And The Moral Is:

You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.

 

Ever wondered what happens when  

Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

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 *My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.

*Sorry, heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.

*Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…’What the hell was I thinking?

*Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

*How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

*I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you … I’ve changed my mind.

*I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

*As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

*Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go… Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.

*Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

*Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

*When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

*We have been friends for a very long time … let’s say we stop?

* I’m so miserable without you it’s almost like you’re here.

*Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

*Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday… So we’re having you put to sleep.

*So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it’s really good pay.

 

More Things For Thought2016-9-30e

 

  • At holiday parties I find one of the topics of bitter controversy that often comes up apparently concerns the best way to cross a small river… Roe vs Wade.  
  • It’s getting to that point on Sunday watching the Niners that you’re considering having a triple vodka and bleach.
  • They’re right, raising children does take a village… preferably one with many vineyards.
  • Victoria’s secret has banned nursing mothers from feeding their children in their stores… apparently they don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea what breasts are for.
  • Crap! My e-mail password has been hacked again… this will be the third time I’ve had to re-name the darned cat.
  • Shout out to my sweatpants for sticking with me through thick and thicker!
  • I get caught zipping my pants up while standing next to the turkey just one time… and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore.
  • I would think the hardest part of being a vegan would be getting up so early in the morning to milk all those almonds.
  • Burnt my Hawaiian pizza tonight… I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
  • It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the frog share the same middle name.
  • Raise your hand if you’ve ever run out of toilet paper and been forced to use a coffee filter… so, just me?
  • Its thanksgiving and our annual big family dinner… it’s an election year so that means at least four fist fights and someone getting disowned.
  • If dumping the last of the chips into the dip and eating it with a spoon is wrong… then I don’t wanna be right.
  • Anyone got their Christmas tree up yet?  I have… up in the attic where it belongs for the next few weeks.
  • Trump or Clinton…it’s kinda like deciding if you want Charlie Manson or O.J. Simpson to watch the kids for you.
  • I hate going to Costco during the holidays.  Went for some milk and bread… came home with a two-man tent, a chainsaw and a trumpet.
  • I start the day with Cap’n crunch and end the day with Captain Morgan… I seem to want to be a pirate.
  • Seen on a taco truck… “Every taco is hand rolled with exotic Mexican spices by topless Mayan virgins… or Carlos, depending on who’s available.”
  • It’s getting to that point on Sunday watching the Niners that you’re considering having a triple vodka and bleach.
  • I’ve never run a marathon… but once I scurried across a parking lot super-fast ‘cuz Dunkin Donuts was about to close.

 

  • Now that the elections over I sure hope Donald Trump doesn’t deport my Mexican ex-girlfriend that lives at 242 South First St, Oakland, Ca. 84573.
  • Call me a hopeless romantic… but I remember when you had to be in the same room with someone to show them your genitals.
  • I bet Lincoln is looking down at Pence and thinking, “Dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in the theater!”
  • Lethal weapon is my favorite movie, at least from a medical perspective… as it demonstrates the best method of how to repair a dislocated shoulder.
  • What’s the difference between lingerie and pajamas… about 20 years.
  • The wife explained to me there isn’t a key to her heart… but that I can probably jimmy that thing open with a credit card.
  • The unmarried lady down the street told me she’s been working on a new perfume she wants to call “forever single”… says it smells like a combination of lean cuisines and cats.
  • Nobody seems to even care about my dyslexia… until I spit in the “tips” jar at Starbucks
  • I asked my wife to pick up some twenty-five year caulk at home depot… and she never came home.
  • I think I’m a lot like the moon… we’re both white, round, and difficult to take a decent picture of.

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November 20th 2016
That’s Life©1966 #648 (11-18-16)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com 

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Bud Fanning Calls

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It’s about 8:30 a.m. last Sunday morning and I get a call from Bud Fanning (the owner of Bud’s Pub downtown) about a hot air balloon just clearing the railroad tracks and power lines and landing in a small space between the back of the Cornerstone Church and the north side of the apartments in the Pulte subdivision. I sleepily said, “Yeah Bud OK, take a picture for me will ya?” I hung up the phone… Then to our surprise voices were coming from the heavens above as we opened our eyes. We ran out back (like 10 steps) with ma in her nightgown and me in my cap and looked like we just woke from a long winter’s nap. Up in the sky our eyes did look when right on top of us a dozen or so looked down on us… so much for the poem type crap.

This balloon couldn’t have been more than 100 yards or so high and we could hear them talking, and we saw them, and they saw us. The gas bursts scared the hell out of all the area dogs.

It was on then. I ran in, grabbed my camera, put on a minimum of clothing and took off for somewhere… I wasn’t sure where. I followed the balloon and had to make an end around down Porter Rd. to Midway and the back way into Pulte just in time to see this one land.

Come to find out five balloons landed in the relative small space all not much more than 100 yards apart from each other. I asked one of the balloon deflators if they chose this small space to land in. He said, “We all (two different companies) took off from the Yolo County Airport and this is where the currents brought us. You kind of have to land where you land you know”… Now you know the whole story. I know some ranchers and farmers who aren’t too keen on landing wherever please… you know?

 

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Ever wonder how Brussel sprouts grew? On a stalk… now you know!

 

True Story: News Update from Canada

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(From our friend John) The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.   “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.  When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s.

“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD’s, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said.  “After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

 

A Beautiful Poem

2016-11-18f

Let’s stop the name calling 

Let’s quit bawling

Your party lost

My party won

So let us be friends

Let arguments pass

I’ll hug my elephant

You kiss your Ass!

**********************************************

Wow! That was quick!

 2016-11-18

More Things For Thought

 2016-11-18h

*I’m smarter than I look.  I was going to say ‘more intelligenter’… but I didn’t know how to spell it.

*Who was the clown that called it a “Brazilian” and not a “tropical smoothie”?

*They recommend that one start reading to their children as early as possible… I’ve found 4:30am ticks them off pretty well.

*Life is way too short to spend time on matching socks.

*Why a man should ever want to marry a woman is a mystery… why a man should ever want to marry two women is a bigamystery.

*Never ask WebMD for medical advice… I’ve gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks of the mouse.

*Unless you’re a bottle of olive oil your virginity has absolutely no bearing on your quality.

*Your phone’s screen is brighter than your future… but that’s really none of my business.

*Did you know that if you go outside and light a candle under the moonlight and then repeat the name of the person you love three times… you’ll look really stupid?

*Cheating is like eating fast food… you do it, you enjoy it, and then you end up feeling like crap.

*Whoever currently has possession of the voodoo doll of me would you please scratch my butt… I’m in public and can’t do it.

*My sister-in-law’s gynecologist recognized her at the grocery store… I told her she needed to wear longer skirts.

*I wonder if the clothes in china have a tag in them that says “made around the corner”.

*I’m such a bozo. I was just introduced to a girl from Scotland… and the only thing I could think to say is “your people make great tape!”

*Why is “yolo” so popular all of a sudden… was there a problem that people actually think we live twice?

*Ever look at one of your ex’s and think ‘was I blind drunk during our whole relationship’?

*My voice may sound like a thousand dying cats… but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to sing along when my favorite song comes on.

*It’s no longer “boxed wine”… the classy name for it is “cardboardeaux”.

*What would happen if you gave a Viagra to a snake?

*After all this Starbuck’s cup controversy if Taco Bell was smart they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers.

*Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a well-worded tee-shirt to really change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

*I used to play the triangle in a reggae band… but I left ‘cuz it was just one ting after another.

*Hillary said: “It’s time to have a woman in the white house”… Bill thinks, “hmmmm, been there, done that!”

*Is throwing rice at the bride and groom at a Chinese wedding considered lucky… or a food fight?

*The only way to get conservatives concerned about the climate change issue is to convince them the climate is gay.

*”Fruit” and “urinal” give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

*I don’t make fun of those less fortunate than me, but it’s not a matter of the moral high ground… I just don’t know anyone less fortunate than I am.

*Statistics say 29% of people sleep with their pets in bed with them… So I tried it, but by morning my goldfish was dead.

*Whenever I’m feeling fat I try not to stress about it… and just keep my chins up.

*After my prostate exam the doctor was leaving the room just as the nurse entered and uttered the three words no man wants to hear… “Who was that?”

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