July 26th 2015
Lake Berryessa is really low

Posted under That's Life Columns

The top two photos were taken from the road by Trey Hickman a week before Ted Hickman took the two below from a boat. The second top photo show the spillway.

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This shows what used to be the launch ramp at Markley Cove.

 

Lake Berryessa is
Shrinking Each Day

According to the Solano County Water Agency Lake Berryessa’s surface elevation was down to 402.92 feet from the top of the “Glory Hole” which is 439.96 feet. The current decrease is down 1.82 feet since July 1st. The launch ramp at Markley Cove is down way past a level anyone can remember seeing in recent years (see photo).
The lake’s storage capacity is at 919,936 acre feet. The maximum capacity of the lake is about 1.6 million acre feet. The current storage amount shows a drop of 27,682 acre feet, a since July 1 and means the lake is now only holding 57.5 percent of capacity. The water level is 37.04 feet below the glory hole (see photo).
The lake has shrunk by 142,211 acre feet since its high point this year of 1,062,147 acre feet on February 26. The water agency reported the total rain fall to date is at 19.09 inches. The annual rain fall average is 25.82 inches.

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July 26th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #578 (7-24-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

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By Ted Hickman Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com For 576 Past (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

Some Can Waste Water?

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            Thousands of people witnessed an obvious huge water waste during this year’s Grillin & Chillin last Saturday in Dixon.  About 5,000 attended the event headed by Mike Hamilton of Dixon. I made the mistake of wearing my city council shirt and badge and had numerous people point out the huge waste of water taking place “by the city”.

Since it was coming from a fire hydrant they assumed it was the city and were not happy they couldn’t water their lawns throughout the county, but Mike was watering the pavement… to the sum of at least 2,244 gallons initial fill”- whatever that means. It was being used for a children’s water slide that no one came to the event just to use it for their kids.

People came to me complaining about the waste of water. When I tried to talk to Hamilton he said, “It is ok since I am buying it from Cal Water and I can do what I want with it”. I tried to reason with him that people were angry about the waste and he got bullying and obtuse with me which is the way he handles anything that doesn’t go his way.

People thought it was the city wasting water since it came directly from a fire hydrant. I found the mayor three blocks away and Jack said he would talk to him but it got worse. I saw councilman Bird blocks away from the mayor and mentioned it to him… so I’m not the lone ranger in this one… Everyone saw it and saw nothing being done to curtail or even reduce it. It was in violation of the Dixon City Code and the State Water Resource Control Board’s says it is prohibited by … “Application of water to any hard surface (driveways, sidewalks, asphalt).

He could have reduced the water without affecting the primary use but refused because it was “my water”. Not good or for the city. Others asked about the city’s liability (since it is a primary sponsor) with the somewhat dangerous water slide. Haven’t got that answer either

Wonder if anyone will be cited?

 

Investment Opportunity

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Thought you might want to consider getting on board early. A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.  He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well….He says prophets are going through the roof.

Short Shots…

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Ain’t Gonna Happen:  Late Wednesday afternoon Judge Beaman ruled against the Solano County Taxpayers and thousands of local residents when he said their attempt to put the local $30 million dollar sewage plant upgrade on the ballot… He said it was “unconstitutional”. This obviously thrilled the anti-elect Hickman group of former city manager Salmons and city clerk Beaman and four fifths of the current city council. I’ve not made a statement one way or the other on the sewage issue… I have supported the public’s right to vote on it… Ain’t gonna happen… At least no more tax dollars will be spent fighting those who pay the taxes. It sounds like the taxpayers association will have a “Remember the Alamo” type slogan haunt the 2016 city council election.

STEPS: I have one of those digital/phone meters that measure the amount of steps you take in any given period of time. Last Saturday at Grillin & Chillin we were working in the voter registration booth and walking around in the crowd registering voters. In about three hours I walked 1.3 miles. By comparison at the recent NRA dinner I walked 7,636 steps or 2.7 miles… which is nothing compared to 10,000 or so steps or 4.5 miles during a half day of pheasant hunting or the12,000 steps I took on set up day for Toys for Tots at the fairgrounds for over 5.5 miles. Sure beats guessing. I’m curious how much we’ll walk during deer season.

P.D. Suggestions: The folks at the Dixon P.D. would like to see a speaker in the underground railroad tunnel. They say the public wouldn’t believe some of the things that go on it there and recorded on the cameras. They say they have no way to communicate with people in there nor can people talk to them or call for help. They need a two-way speaker system… I mean we’re $7 million or so into it what’s a speaker system?

911 Busy? I talked to Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox, after the last city council meeting when folks were upset about calling 911 during a fire recently and getting a busy signal. It was said it was a county dispatch problem because of limited lines. I asked Chief Cox why the calls couldn’t roll over the city’s police and fire department; the PD during the weekdays and the FD the rest of the time? He said it might be workable and is looking into it.

A busy signal calling 911 is unacceptable don’t you think?

 

More Things For Thought

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*Today I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “we do our business in your mouth” … and I haven’t stopped laughing.

*A review of Jurassic World:  a genetically modified 60-foot dinosaur has turned violent… and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

*People always ask me why I was wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation picture… clearly because it was my señor year.

*The two things women love to hear… “I love you” and “that’s on sale”.

*I slammed the car door on my fingers today… in related news there is an 83% chance my grandson added “sonuvabitch!” to his vocabulary.

*Pirates who used an “X” to mark the spot were stupid… if they had used a “G” no one would have ever found their treasure.

*Two atoms of helium acting funny… hehe!

*I hired a pizza chef as my golf coach… one way or another that guy is going to fix my slice.

*Macaroni Grill is closing some select locations… I would suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill has a lot to do with it.

*I enjoy giving names to the furniture… right now I’m chillin’ on Oscar the couch.

*One of the EMT’s here in Davis got canned today for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator.

*If anyone ever tried to steal my identity I’d just think “now it’s their problem.”

*I’ve decided I’m not an alcoholic… I’m a soberphobic.

*An opossum is just a regular possum that is capable of re-enacting the diner scene from “when harry met sally”.

*On the news tonight:  “There’s a growing shortage of maternity-ward staff… you could say it’s a bit of a midwife crisis.”

*I find it amazing when people can pinpoint the subtle floral and spice undertones in a glass of wine… and I’m questioning whether there’s horseradish on my sandwich.

*Divorce is when you tell someone you know better than anyone else on the face of the earth… that you’ve decided to take a pass.

*Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I generally point to some random spot in the room and say “over there”.

*As I walked past the elementary school near the house I heard a little kid say “if you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!”… me too kid, me too!

*Some music just moves you… for instance this rap stuff on the radio makes me want to drive off a cliff.

*I’m not overly suspicious by nature but when I see squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together… I’m concerned maybe they won the lottery and hired a good hit-and-run attorney.

*Ever since they started calling pole dancers artists the neighbor girl has been writing on her resume that her talents include “moving in artistic circles”.

*When my granddaughter was 5 she asked me why Grammy wears make-up.  I told her “To look pretty”… she replied, “But she’s already pretty… Grampa… you should wear make-up!”

*Ya know those holes in a pair of Crocs… that’s where your dignity leaks out.

*The phrase “whatever floats your boat” is quite misleading… practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

*You should marry the first person you find who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

*All I really want is for married gay couples to be able to fly their confederate flag and use a gun to protect their marijuana plants.

*Ladies, when you’re looking for your knight in shining armor be sure you don’t end up with some schmuck in tin foil.

*Karma Sutra: When fate screws you in all manner of creative ways.

*Hey, women who breastfeed in public… what’s with not winking back?


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July 17th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #577 (7-17-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Come And See Us!

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My first wife Linda and I will be at the Grillin’ and Chillin’ sitting in the booth that will be set up to register non-registered voters. So… if you aren’t registered stop by between 10 am and 10 pm and get yourself in the mix to help decide city, county, state and federal issues.

We’ve never missed and election in over five decades and feel it is important for all citizens to have a say in how their lives are governed. If you don’t vote, don’t bitch. We’ll be in the tent-thingy at least from 10 to 12:30. If you have a friend or neighbor who’s not registered drag them down there and we’ll help them sign up… If you moved here from somewhere else stop by and get re-registered. If you didn’t vote in the last general election you probably aren’t registered.

 

News Flash…

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            I’m announcing today I’ll be the 17th (0r 18 0r 19th) republican to enter the presidential race with the backing of my buddy and the entire city council… (if it means I would leave the council). Donald and I think a lot alike… the only big difference is about $10 billion and change. Why? Because I didn’t want to be the only politician in the country to not throw my hat in the ring. Right off the bat I’d outlaw throwing gum on the ground, butchering the national anthem, cut off all foreign aid and spend it all in the U.S. and allow only those who want to file for citizenship to enter the country or receive any benefits. I would also outlaw citizens paying for sex operations for prisoners, take back Bruce Jenner’s award, and push the constitution and all of its amendments making all elected officials read it and take a test to show they understand all of it, including the first and second amendments.

I’ll have a chicken in every pot and reactivate the TVA… you want help or aid and all the freebies we pay for, we give you a job and pay you to do it… don’t want to work… starve.

My polls numbers are in yet but I expect them to be below Donald and Jeb… I might have to settle for the VP spot since I can do the job better than Biden… Of course our nine year old grandson is brighter and could do better than Joe.

 

Local Name Change

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Last Thursday I went to an elected officials get together in Fairfield at 4:30, got to the new sewage plant dedication by 5:30 and on to a special city council meeting at 7 pm. So what? While at the big hole being dug for the new sewage plant Dixon’s Mayor used a line given to him by councilman Steve Bird when he told the gathered crowd, (out of context) “Since a former councilman (vice mayor) called the undercrossing downtown the ‘Jack Hole’ I think it only fair we dub this sewage project ‘Mikehole’.” Bird said he already had enough donations pledged for the plaque.

I called Mike Ceremello and ask if he was going to change the spelling of his name because of this and he said, “Probably not”. Almost everyone but Mike found the whole thing humorous and an appropriate pay back… I think it has kind of a nice ring to it Mikehole Ceremello… sound like an Italian opera.

 

Japanese Sex!

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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex: Husband: “Sukitaki. mojitaka!”

Wife replies: “Kowanini! mowi janakpa!” Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!” Wife begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!” Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don’t even know Japanese. You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex… You need help, seriously!

Sometimes I worry about you al

 

 

Empty Park…Go Figure?

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Ever since Northwest Park was built, many years ago, I have gone by it almost daily either by car, walking or riding around it on my bike. On this past Sunday, with the temps perfect in the 80’s, between 2 and 2:30 in the afternoon NOT ONE person was anyplace in the entire complex. I rode around it twice… go figure? There’s always someone some place isn’t there? The answer is; not on this day. No soccer, baseball, basketball, picnic, no nothing. The photo is from my cell phone.

 

More Things For Thought…

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Their calling this controversy with the Patriots “deflatagate”… I was hoping they’d go with “ball-o-caust”.

Getting up is the second hardest thing in the morning.

 I’m in the crap again.  The wife sent me a selfie asking “does this outfit make me look fat?”… I answered “nooo” but the damn auto-correct changed it to “moooo”.

Don’t be sad dirty dishes… nobody is doing me either.

Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler “let me go!” when you catch them by the toe.

My boss thinks homosexuality is a disease… so I’m going to call in gay tomorrow.

They named it “Taco Bell” because Alexander Graham Bell was instrumental in developing the taco.

There’s a sign posted in the restroom at work telling us not to flush anything down the commode other than toilet paper… now I’m unsure how to proceed.

“Stomach….lungs….kidney…..gall bladder….heart….”………Me, at my organ recital.

In the earlier part of my life I too, like Bruce, was a man trapped inside a woman’s body… then mom gave birth to me.

My new personal trainer asked what’s my goal… I told him I want to look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking.

They found a charred body rolled up in a carpet locked in the trunk of an abandoned, damaged car… the police “suspect” foul play?

Tom Brady states… “my balls are perfect”!

Oh damn!  That sinking feeling you used to experience when you were eight and realized you had forgot to lock up your clubhouse… now it’s all infested with girls!

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that could curdle your blood… they called her “phlegm fatale”.

Billion dollar idea:  A smoke alarm that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

As a gentlemen I always allow women and children to go first… I hate walking into spider webs.

I sure wish Tampax made a product you could stuff in people’s mouths to absorb all the stupid crap they say.

After 100 years on the bottom of the ocean explorers were amazed to find the Titanic’s pool still full.

What’s the difference between a wife’s argument and a knife… a knife has a point.

I convinced my wife we should get a cat… I mostly wanted one ‘cuz her mother’s allergic.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins… that’s why you have to drink lots of it.

Halloween is by far the safest day of the year to kill a person and then leave them in a chair on the porch.

When I die I told the wife to have them put a router in my tombstone offering free Wi-Fi……just so people will come see me more often.

I’m really beginning to think I will never be old enough to know better.

Bedgasm:  (noun) a feeling of euphoria experienced when climbing into bed at the end of a crappy day.

Knife fights are exciting and intense… but butter-knife fights are the true test of skill and endurance.

I’m sorry.  I was raised in the US so I don’t really understand the metric system… exactly how much is “in moderation”?

The wife wanted me to look at things from her point of view… so I went and looked out the kitchen window.

Atheists just don’t get it… belonging to a church is worth it just for the bake sales.

 

Wild Blackberry Pie Season

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            It on now and the wild berries are in their prime. Linda’s secrete is: blackberries, mix in blackberry Jell-O, gram cracker pie crust, cool whip… Low calorie and delicious, try it!

 

Things I trust more than Hillary:2015x5

Mexican tap water

A rattlesnake with a “pet me” sign

OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

A fart when I have diarrhea

An elevator ride with Ray Rice

Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

Michael Jackson’s Doctor

An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

A Palestinian on a motorcycle Gas station Sushi

A Jimmy Carter economic plan

Brian Williams news reports

Loch Ness monster sightings

Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

Playing Russian Roulette with a semi-auto pistol

Emails from Nigerian princes

The Heimlich Maneuver from Barney Frank

A condom made in China

A prostate exam from Captain Hook

And finally…. Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention.

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July 4th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #575 (7-3-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

2020

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com 

 

 

*The government and the law making U.S.  Supreme Court can tell us all how we must act and speak…

What they can’t do is mandate what we think… yet.

 

 

4th of July … Happy Birthday US

 

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Have you heard Greg Coppes of Dixon has announced his candidacy for our California State Senate seat in the 2016 election? He talked to hundreds of people last Saturday at ASP Solano (former Center Mass gun shop and range) in Vacaville just off of Leisure Town Road. About a dozen booths were there that catered mostly to the second amendment crowd. Coppes, an independent businessman is a past Commander of the Dixon American Legion (where I served with him for four years as a Vice Commander) and local youth sports “coach”. More on this in the future…

 

 

What B.S.!

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This is a conglomeration of personal views and stuff we overheard at the mini street fair at the gun shop in Vacaville last Saturday. All three major parties (Dems, Reps, and Tea) were pretty well represented and the people attending didn’t have any problem expounding on current issues.

Come folks with the 4th of July at hand maybe it’s time for you to speak up about your government… You know the one that wants to take away your firearms, let millions of illegal aliens become citizens over night with no health or back ground checks… etc. Most folks are not opposed to legal immigration. After all it was our European immigrant ancestors who stole these lands from the Native Americans. But 10’s of millions have become citizens (including one of my grandparents via Ellis Island) the right way by going with the system. This push to give millions of illegal residents, health care, driver’s a license, welfare, housing, and free education, college and a free pass, is a slap in the face to those who loved this country and what it offers them enough to become citizens the right way. Who’s paying for all of this? We/you are, not the government.

We’ve got a less than Supreme Court now making laws of the land instead of ruling on things based solely on our constitution. Left or right it doesn’t matter, this just isn’t right.

Your government is telling us to take down the confederate flag and doesn’t want it to be sold or seen but is allowing the rainbow flag and others to fly without impunity… WTF? This government clearly doesn’t recognize or honor either the first or second amendment to the constitution.

They have a knee jerk reaction to all current trends, like pushing to have any Indian name taken from schools and even professional sporting teams, even though there has been no big call for it? Why? Because some looney elected official somewhere is afraid it might someday, maybe, be offensive to someone… again WTF?

They want everything to be equal, meaning we need to move more towards a communist state and “share” the resources (Hilary) giving those who don’t want to work or be productive the same life style of those who slave away to provide jobs and work to make them and their families lives better… What B.S.

They now tell us what we should and shouldn’t eat, drink, think, read, say, even what words we can and can’t say…and believe.  I think the Supreme Court should be told to stick their personal opinions where the sun don’t shine and stick to: “Is it constitutional or not”.

Through all of these policies those who benefit are the most non-productive elements of our society. Welfare, food stamps and federal programs for immigrant minorities from those from all other countries, including the radical Muslims, are at unprecedented levels and we are importing more radicals on a daily basis. Look at the entrenched Muslim communities in Detroit and Minneapolis and elsewhere where their Sharia? Law now prevails… How did and can this happen?  I’d like to give you the upside to this and any contributions the imported Muslims have made but there isn’t any. I could go on and on but you either agree things are bad and wrong or you don’t. What you need to believe, from the local level to the White House is that the 2016 elections are going to bring about major changes.

*Nothing can be done about the very old, overly liberal, rights and constitution trampling, less than Supreme Court, because these yahoos have a job for life and they could care less. They are making their personal opinions laws of the land without any regard for the constitution (or the public’s will in elections) which is supposed to be the only thing upon which they base their decisions.

You and yours need to get more involved and stop just tisk, tisk, tisking and become better informed and make your elected officials held accountable for caring more about getting re-elected than representing you.

Do we have freedom of speech or don’t we? Do we as a people believe in our constitution or don’t we. Can we allow the courts to continue to overturn the will of the people and trample the very document that our founding fathers put together engineered to stop just this kind of unprecedented carnage of our rights as Americans?

 

 

You No Longer Have To Pick Up Signs

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I have great news for you folks who put up garage sale signs on poles and are too lazy to pick them up thereby junking up our city streets. Don’t bother to pick them up the city will now do it for you… and give you a free citation for your reward. Also if you don’t get a garage sales permit from the P.D. before your sale you may have a visitor who will also give you a citation. So now you can get a possible expensive ticket one of two ways.

Do like the folks who do things right and get a permit and if you put signs out (which are illegal on poles) pick them up at the end of your sale or pay the piper.

 

Japanese Sex!

20205

 

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex: Husband: “Sukitaki. mojitaka!”

Wife replies: “Kowanini! mowi janakpa!” Husband says angrily: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!” Wife begging: “Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!” Husband shouts angrily: “Na miaou kina Tim kouji!”

I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don’t even know Japanese. You’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex… You need help, sierously!  Sometimes I worry about you all .

 

 

How They Trim The Orchards!

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Ever wonder how you see all those orchards with perfectly trimmed trees and wonder how they got that way? When our sons were young I told them a helicopter came in and flew upside down and trimmed them. They may or may not have believed me. I thought they were all trimmed by hand because you see workers out there trimming. A couple of years ago I finally saw the machine that does the job and this past weekend I finally found one in action and drove through all kinds of stuff trespassing to get this photo… this is how it’s done!

 More Things For Thought

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*We’re having a bad spring.  The pollen counts are so high the tweekers are trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed.

*I was shopping in Wal-Mart with the wife and she said to me “you’re such a lazy bast***”… I was so shocked I almost fell out of the shopping cart.

*I don’t understand your specific type of mental illness… but I do admire your total commitment to it.

*The relationship is not working out because we like different things.  For instance, I like quiet evenings at home… And she likes someone else.

*If a woman tells you that you’re right… that’s called sarcasm.

*If you’re feeling down and you’re foxy… I can feel you up.

*I’m so glad I had a childhood before technology took over.

*Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… life’s a bitch and beers a must!

*Why are suicidal feelings a side effect of an anti-depressant?

*Yawning is your body’s way of telling you there’s only 20% battery remaining.

*Every man has two options.  Either stand up and be the man she needs you to be… or sit the hell down so she can see the man standing behind you.

*Carnival- (noun) a place where the only other thing the guy making the funnel cakes has ever cooked is meth.

*My dream job is not needing one.

*I just hate it when the wife says “go wait in the car!”… I never know if she’s talking to me or the grandkids.

*I’m really concerned that perhaps the reason God calls us all “his children” is so he can claim us all as dependents.

*Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym”.

*If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you’re not referring to her as “Mitt Momney”… you should renounce your religion.

*Just because I finally quit smoking doesn’t mean I’m not going to just get up and randomly leave the room for 10 minutes.

*I told one of the boys America won World War II because they dropped an f-bomb on Japan… later when his teacher called I acted shocked.

*I failed the final exam in my evolution class because every time I wrote “homo erectus I added (lmao) right after it.

*My love is like a candle… because if you forget me I’ll burn your damn house down!

*Always thought calling the pope’s vehicle a “pope-mobile” was lame… why not class it up a bit and call it a “christler”?

*Short skirts tend to make men more polite… have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

*They probably could have called “lightbulbs” just bulbs… most people would still get it.

*Very few women will admit their age… and very few men will act theirs.

*When someone asks me “what did you do over the weekend?” I love to squint and reply “why? What did you hear?”

*I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex… someday I’m gonna be awesome.

*33% of women say their cat is a better listener than their husband… 67% of cats say this crazy lady won’t shut the hell up!

*Nothing starts my day off better than a little inspirational quote… “may your day go fast, may your socks match, and may your undies not ride up your ass!”

*Meeting people in a bar is like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry… you bring home crap you don’t need.

 

Ever wonder how you see all those orchards with perfectly trimmed trees and wonder how they got that way? When our sons were young I told them a helicopter came in and flew upside down and trimmed them. They may or may not have believed me. I thought they were all trimmed by hand because you see workers out there trimming. A couple of years ago I finally saw the machine that does the job and this past weekend I finally found one in action and drove through all kinds of stuff trespassing to get this photo… this is how it’s done!

2015hor

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June 26th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #574 (6-26-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

4th of July is coming up…Next weekend! Fireworks Sales Start Saturday!

 

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The annual non-profit group’s ‘Safe and Sane” state approved fireworks sales start Sunday all over town. We, Dixon Toys for Tots, work in conjunction with the Dixon American Legion Post 208, and receive a share of the total sales. So if your interest is spending money which will help Vets, kids and senior citizens come to the fireworks booth in the Safeway parking lot. If you have kids in school, sports or any you belong to any organization they probably have their own booth. Every since the sales stared a few years ago the Safeway location has always sold the most, not only because of the location but because it seems to always have enough supplies of what everyone wants.

We, the volunteers from Toys for Tots will be there all day next Thursday, from like 10 to 10 so you can stop by then and we’ll load you up with things that go bang or shoot sparks… Which leads me to my next point. I’ve always been proud of people of Dixon proving me right with the common sense use of these family friendly explosives. You see most all users doing the right thing having a garden hose on stand by and a bucket of sand or water to securely extinguish all left over from their mini-shows.

At the same time I asked the fire and police chief’s to really crack down on these folks who persist in setting off mini-bombs and commercial grade bottle rockets. The chiefs said they will indeed crack down on illegal fireworks when the culprits are nabbed. Simply call 678-7070 during regular business hours or 678-7080, the non-emergency after hours number, and report violators. Just give a close address of those setting off the dangerous gun powdered devices and the police will try to bust them, cite them and confiscate all illegal stuff they have… Don’t whine and say you haven’t been warned and just pay the price if the authorities win a few hands during this annual game of cat and mouse.

We have one more paper before the fourth so I’ll try to do an update next week.

 

Garage Sale Warnings Too!

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Also at the city council meeting Tuesday we had another complaint about garage sales. Yep, it’s come down to this. Anyway in Dixon you need to buy a garage sale permit from the police department in advance. It is illegal to put signs on any poles around town and really illegal to leave them up after your “sale”. So I asked the police chief to have his code compliance officer work some Saturdays and check sales for permit and if no permit is present to cite the seller. This is only fair to those who do buy the permits don’t you think?

Secondly (I’ve had a lot of complaints about this) I asked him to have his code compliance officer to scour the city on Monday, take down all left over signs, go to the address listed and cite that person… No one wants to see these signs. If you put them up you better take them down. Put them on a pole and you take a chance of being cited for that too.

This being an elected official is a trying, stress filled job and you just can’t make everyone happy… so I’m going for the right thing to do as opposed to the popular “let it slide” attitude some folks have. Unfortunately, unlike some of your other elected officials I am not only listed in the phone book but my email address is published weekly so I am really easy to get a hold of.

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Solano County NRA To Hold Banquet

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Solano County Friends of the NRA will hold its annual “Banquet Fundraiser” on July 11, 2015.  The event will be held at the “Old Vets Hall” 231 First Street, Dixon.  Doors will open at 5:30 pm with a no host cocktails, A New York steak dinner will be served at 7 pm.

There will be live and silent actions plus raffles, games, hunts, Safari packages and dozens of firearms will also be available to win.
Tickets for this event are $60 per person. For tickets and or further information you can call 1-707-678-2777.

 

Frank Green Turns 95 Today!

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 Why is the fact Dixon’s Frank Green turns 95 so important? Frank is one of the only two remaining Pearl Harbor survivors in this area. The second one being Heber Holbrook. Frank is a member of the Dixon American Legion Post 208 and a picture of Heber, also a Legion member. 

That’s Frank on the right a Heber on the left In a photo I took back in 09 and is displayed at the Legion Hall.

 

 

 

For you fathers out there, and others.

On father’s day just past… Happy belated Father’s Day!

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From a local; Dixon guy named John:   “While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I was in the homeland and took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.  I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.  Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.  Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn’t. I drank it.             I thought maybe he’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s, nope!  In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest. He wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so s*#@-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

 

 

Area Biker… A Legend!

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A tender and compassionate story if ever I’ve heard one. A true testament to the human spirit.

Back on June 9th, a group of Woodland/Dixon area bikers were riding West on IS-80 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Carquinez Bridge.  So they stopped.   Mac, their leader, a tough man of 50+ or so, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the CHP who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and asked, “Baby…whatcha doin’ up there on that railing’?” with his southern draw.

She answered tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!” While he didn’t want to appear to be too ‘sensitive’, Mac also didn’t want to miss this ‘be-a-legend’ opportunity either; so he asked…”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe… why don’t you give ole Mac here your best last kiss?” So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that… and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, Mac got a big thumbs up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the CHP, and then says, “Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had.  Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why the hell are you committing suicide?” “My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.” It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

Mike Was Mean To Me

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Mike Ceremello was mean to me last week in his column. He accused me of selling out and voting with the majority for popular issues… Like the city putting up $5,000 in taxpayers dollars towards the annual forth fireworks display. The difference is Mike always did what he thought was in everybody’s best interest. I got elected to do what the voters think is in their best interest, I haven’t found anyone but Mike opposed to the big annual fireworks show sponsored by the Dixon Rotary Club and co-sponsored by the city. If I hear the majority of folks are in favor of something I’m going to push my own opinion to make thing happen or not happen. I was elected to serve the voters and their will not Mike’s way which h is very simply and very consistent…”My way or the highway.” So if he wants to be mean to me along with everyone else so be… But this snake can bite back. So all I have to say to his comments about my city council votes is… “Bite me”.

 

More Things For Thought

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My only real goal in life is too pass gas loud enough to set off a car alarm.

Facebook is going to start scanning your brain through your computer monitor in search of private information.  To prevent this from happening go to “kitchen” -> “cabinets” -> “upper right drawer” ->  at this point remove the box marked “aluminum foil”… then wrap foil all around your head.

What do you call a fat psychic… a four-chin teller?

Domino’s dropped the “pizza” from their name… legally they’re not allowed to call that pizza.

When my cousin came out as gay his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist… which was really a shame ‘cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

When I die I’d like to have someone fill my coffin with Reese’s Pieces… then my headstone can say “R.I.R.P.”
The idiot next door was ranting about how he wasn’t going to have his son vaccinated, “it’s not healthy and they’re full of dangerous preservatives”…. then he handed the kid a pop tart for breakfast.
Both bungee jumping and hookers cost about a hundred bucks… and if the rubber breaks you’re skrewed.
I lost a good friend today… he asked me to bring over some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m always amazed during cop shows when someone takes a pistol and slips into the back of their pants… how do you not get a “weapon wedgie”?
Have you noticed that none of the child prodigy national spelling bee champions have solved any of the world’s problems…thanks for nothing you little burn-outs!
People who say they “don’t have time” for all my bullshit need to manage their time better… get up an hour earlier!
For Valentine’s Day I took my wife to see “fifty shades of grey” but I need to know how long the movie is… so I’ll know when to pick her up. For a lot of women it must have been 50 shades of blush.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants realize the American Dream is hit or miss.

Have you ever wondered why Rice Krispies cost the same as other cereals…it’s ‘cuz they’re sold by weight and not by volume.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something nonsensical….I am usually that friend.
Checking into the hotel I accidentally pronounced “Wi-Fi” as “wifey”… the concierge told me the password was helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The cop asked me if I could describe the person who robbed me… of course. He had on a black shirt and hat, was wearing a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in the checkout line at the grocery store… except I’m the guy in line behind them buying beer and dog food.
I just thot about sex for maybe the 100th time today… and let me tell you, it’s definitely not the thot that counts.
Oh,oh! Trouble brewing at the Symphony Hall… it’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th and the bassists are loaded!
Financial tip:  when laundering money always separate the bills from the coins.  Use the delicate cycle with a mild detergent.
I would like to think I’ll die a heroic death… but I’ll probably trip over the damn cat and choke on a spoonful of cookie dough!
It never fails.  Run around all day looking good and I see no one I know… sneak out for 5 minutes looking like crap and it’s all of a sudden a damn reunion!
What’s four inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy… that damn empty toilet paper roll. Again.
I don’t understand why people pay big money for prescription colon cleansers… they can go to their nearest Taco Bell and order a bean burrito for a buck.
If you drive a Nissan and your nickname for your car isn’t Liam then you’re just sort of a big waste of time.
I have sexdaily… I mean dyslexia!  STIH!
Technically speaking, every failed attempt at getting out of bed is a sit-up… so I did 17 sit-ups this morning!
My wife said she wanted to feel “special” so I gave her a helmet and some crayons… maybe I misunderstood her.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex… instead of police officers.

 

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June 26th 2015
Solano County NRA To Hold Banquet

Posted under That's Life Columns

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Solano County Friends of the NRA will hold its annual “Banquet Fundraiser” on July 11, 2015. The event will be held at the “Old Vets Hall” 231 First Street, Dixon. Doors will open at 5:30 pm with a no host cocktails, A New York steak dinner will be served at 7 pm.
There will be live and silent actions plus raffles, games, hunts, Safari packages and dozens of firearms will also be available to win.

Tickets for this event are $60 per person. For tickets and or further information you can call 1-707-678-2777.

No Comments »

June 19th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #573 (6-19-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

*There are two kinds of people…

 Those that understand and appreciate sarcasm… and idiots.

 

Like A Lot, Love A Few

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            Like most people I like a lot of things I  like but really only love a few. One thing I truly love is the delta breeze… Its like a breath of fresh air (clever huh?)  every time it air conditions us and leaves our neighboring areas sweltering in the high heat. I love its arrival and always look forward to it.

The second thing I truly love is the end of the Stanley Cup finals each years. For those of you that don’t follow hockey you have to understand there are two teams of professional football sized players in a rink set up like a soccer field. These massive lugs are as graceful as a figureskater and more rugged than a pro football player. The game is played a little like soccer, but on slippery ice by rugged guys who are compelled to stop and fight every now and then to keep things interesting and settle scores the refs miss.

 

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They streak up and down the ice at breakneck speeds, like their hair’s on fire, knocking each other into the boards, up on the glass or on their ass. They beat the crap out of each other until one teams wins the best four out of seven games. Then Lord Stanley’s Cup is awarded to the winner and each player’s name is inscribbed on it.

To Canada it is the NFL and NBA all rolled into one and the Canadians are hockey nuts… Now to the part I love. Afer a full season and a series of games where enemies are made, fights are fought and injuries inflicted it all comes down to this final hard fought series. You know what happens right after the final buzzer sounds? … It took a while to get here  but here’s the point… They line up across from each other and each player, team member, and coaches look each other in the eye and shake hands with opponents for real. No high sissy high fives, no wuzzy California fist bumps, they give real, firm handshakes, congratulate and wish each other the best… Its simply one of the best  and coolest things to happen in professional sports… To them when its over its over and that’s just the way it is.

 

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When I first started in soccer here 35 years ago the kids finished the game and scampered off. I was so impressed by the hockey ritiual theat I started our teams doing that with other teams right here in Dixon. It eventually spread to everywhere and to most youth sports… but it started here via the Stanley Cup.

Just Wondering?

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            Can former USA decathlon Olympic Champion Brucey Jenner now play on the USA’s women’s Soccer team. He has until Monday to get with the  team if he can before they start into the round of 16.  FIFA  (Find Income For All…board members) Women’s World Cup. The ladies are going to have to face some of the toughest European teams in their bracket but I think they have a chance. If Catwoman, or what ever he or she nows call him/her self can join the team he/she might just give them the extra boost they need. After all he is now just one of the girls?

Mikey’s Comment Leave me wondering…

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            In this week’s column, across from this masterpiece, Mike Ceremello gave me a tongue lashing of sorts which is OK, I’m an elected official and he’s not and he has a right to say what he wants… But one line kind of bothered me. I am beginning to worry about Terrible Ted as well. I am not saying that Ted Hickman isn’t thinking or isn’t attempting to do the right thing. .  I am saying that Ted needs to think things through a little more before lobbing up softballs for Jack and his buddies to hit out of the park.  Instead these dolts are spitting on your balls and throwing them back at you.”

I mean like ouch! You can read his whole mean piece right to your right of this column… Being wet behind the ears is one thing but… I guess I’ll have to have my first wife Linda make me a lap cover for future meetings?

I’ve decided to Run…

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            The Donald called and asked me to consider running as his VP and I’ve decided to do it. He based his reasoning on the publicity shot your current president uses to make himself look more legit in the eyes of conservative voters. Donny said he knew if I could get Obama in a photo I could help him out where his billions would fall short… That would be to BS voters into voting for him after he just insulted 40 million or so legal/illegal/soon to be legal possible voters. He is out to prove that even with billions you can’t force voters to elect someone they don’t like.

2014 Ted and Obama

 

Mother’s Driver’s License

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          A Dixon mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. ‘Mommy’, the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’ ‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age’, the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite’. ‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘What color was your hair two years ago?’ ‘Now really’, the mother says, ‘Those are personal questions and are really none of your business’. Undaunted, the little girl asks,    ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’  ‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.  ‘Well,’ says the friend, All you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’ The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?’  ‘I also know that you used to have brown hair.’  The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’  ‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’  ‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because on your driving license it says you got an “F” in sex’!

More Things For Thought…2016g

 

*Mind-numbing sex and chocolate milk… is that too much to ask for?

*Wow! Your baby’s doing an awesome Stevie Wonder impression… what? Oh, support the head?

*I just read an article that said more people are killed by toasters each year than sharks… so if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster swim like hell!  

*It’s hard to win an argument with a smart person… but it’s damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person.

*You know you’re old when one large, horrendous gas attack throws your back out.

*If you rub chopsticks together it’s a sign of disrespect… but if you use them to play a drum solo on your water glass much honor will come your way.

*My dad and I were never real close… when his work had a father-son picnic he took my grandfather.

*I don’t always roll a joint… but when I do it’s an ankle.

*Another example of irony… getting pregnant after having sex on a pull-out couch.

*What do you call a party with one-hundred midgets… a little get-together.

*I don’t pretend to be anything I am not… except for sober, I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.

*Every time I get mad I just have to keep reminding myself… prison orange is not your color, prison orange is not your color.

*I think people spend too much time staring at their phones or computers and not enough time making out, drinking wine and dancing in their underwear.

*Every girl wants to be swept off her feet… it’s when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out!

*Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.

*All the flags placed on the moon by our astronauts have now been bleached out totally white by the radiation of the sun… swell, now it looks like the French were there.

*I’m just so damn glad I was young and stupid before they had camera phones.

*Laughter is the best medicine… but if you’re laughing without any reason then you need medicine.

*I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought about running away a helluva lot more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.

*When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10… throw the punch when you get to eight.  No one expects it then.

*To save my family any unfortunate embarrassment my will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

*Kids today don’t know how easy they have it… when I was young I had to walk nine feet thru shag carpet to change the channel on the TV!

*Every Sunday night should end with one of those 1980’s-style movie montage things of your weekend’s highlights.

*I found a cure for my debilitating Cancer… I broke up with her and began dating a Sagittarius instead.

*Sometimes I spend the whole meeting wondering how they got the big conference table through the door.

*A customer’s 4yr old brought his Woody doll to the store one day and was swinging it all over… finally she yelled at him to “Stop hitting people with your Woody!”… a priceless parenting moment.

*There is a reason the word “die” is in diet.

*Marry someone who can cook… looks fade.  Hunger is forever.

*First woman on the moon; “Houston, we have a problem”….what…”never mind”…..what’s the problem…”nothing”……please tell us……”I’m fine”.

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June 13th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #572 (6-12-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.commoving flag

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Take A Cop To Lunch

            Seriously… take a police officer to lunch. Who would possibly want to be a peace officer in today’s screwed up world? You gotta give those who face life and death, the retarded public and demented elected officials a great deal of credit. Kids are being taught how to “disrespect” all law enforcement and see them as enemies. I say it’s time to turn this around.

Picture this. You’re a police officer. You get an emergency call to respond to a fight. You show up and all hell has broken lose with people screaming at each other, and you, pointing fingers. You need to immediately figure out (by today’s liberal standards) who are the good ones and who are bad. Who are teenagers and who are of age. Who may be minorities and who may not be. Who are retarded and who are mentally sound… all the while making sure anyone one you deal with or raise your voice to is white, and over 18 years of age… if you don’t protests will be held, your life will be threatened, you superior officers will turn against you, elected officials will tisk,  tisk, and say you should have been more patient and handled the situation (they know nothing about it except and excerpt from a cell phone showing only what the person taking it wants you to see) differently. The oppressed segments of the community may call for your resignation or to have charges filed against you because you violated their friend’s or relative’s “rights”. No matter they may be drug addicts or drunks, felons, wife beaters or have a record as long as their arms… they always come out as the poor abused victims

 

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            You know, “I called the police because he was beating me. They showed up and he didn’t like it so he pulled a gun on them and they shot him… those cops need to be fired. I just wanted them to make him quit hitting me, not murder him…” She sues and the city settles out of court (because it’s cheaper than a trial) for a million bucks. She wins. She gets rid of the dirt ball that was beating her, gets a million bucks and gets the cop fired for killing this “poor sweet man who just had a little too much to drink.”

How about showing up for work and responding to a call for a “man with a gun”. You jam to the scene and find this 6’2” 200 pound guy waving what looks like a 45 automatic around. You order him to drop the gun not wanting to have to do the paper work it involves if you shoot the dirt ball, and your partner shows up and tackles the football player sized guy from behind. You breathe a sigh of relief and find out in a few minutes it’s a 16 year old kid with a replica BB gun that looks just like the real thing.

Think you could do this day in and day out? Think you would want to? I doubt it. So the next time you see these bleeding heart liberals whining about the abuse of some dirtballs, who could have just followed police instruction but instead chose to instigate a situation, ask yourself what you would have done and give the cops the benefit of the doubt.

It looks to me like in almost every situation you see the left wing media use for ratings, could have been avoided if those involved just listened and responded to the lawful orders given to them by police officers… THINK ABOUT IT. The “victims” wanted a clash, they wanted trouble for whatever macho reason and they got what they asked for and sometimes more… Boo-hoo.

You don’t want your ass kicked…A cop tells you to do something do it. Film it if you wish and show it to the court or the cop’s boss. Ask for a fight and you deserved to get clubbed, maced, tasered, or shotThese people are trained to fight idiots like you… Duh. Pull a weapon and ignore their commands and they’ll shoot you, center mass, as they were trained  to do. Thinking people understand this; idiots find out the hard way.

Before you whine about this piece walk a mile in their shoes. They take all of this crap from the media and the poor repressed dregs of society and still day after day will respond quickly to save your butt when you need them…  For every bad report you see think about the 10’s of thousands each day where people are saved and peace is restored by these peace officers… So take one to, or buy them lunch when you can and say thanks for being there.

There’s a right way and wrong way to address what you perceive as a police wrong doing. The piece below shows the right way I believe… Document it and report it.

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Glen Campbell Now Sprint Star

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        Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox

He may look like Glen Campbell’s brother but he runs short sprint like a track star…A little after 1pm last Wednesday, when the kids got out of their last day of school, we were taking some of our  grandkids to Asian Garden for lunch when we came to the intersection of H and Lincoln. We heard sirens, pulled over and then the police chief’s unmarked car came rapidly up alongside of us, slowed at the intersection and before he could even cross a full size white, unmarked, Sheriff’s SUV blew by both of us and ran through the intersection without even slowing. Had there been a car legally there it would have been a catastrophe… the rate of speed from the sheriff’s car would have made it impossible for it to stop. Dangerous and stupid plus I’m sure broke some common sense cop laws if nothing else. The sheriff officer was responding to a fight, also at the same time a stolen car was reported and police were also responding to an alarm.

The sheriff’s SUV was reportedly responding to a fight among kids (who by the way were hiding in Asian Garden as it turned out). He apparently just knew it was a fight without any details they were kids.

The point is all hell broke loose with three things happening at the same time and every Dixon police officer and several sheriff’s cars were doing stuff darting all over the northwest side of town.

 

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Dixon Police Chief, Jon Cox was less than pleased with the hot rod Barney Fife who blew thru the stop sign and intersection. Moms were picking up kids from the last day of school and usually there’s always a car or kids crossing at that intersection. Speedy sheriff guy was just plain lucky. A panic stop would have wiped out the chief and his car and ours. It was reported to the sheriff and will undoubtedly result in some retraining… That’s’ the way to handle what you perceive as wrong doing on the part of law enforcement. It’s even more effective when you are an elected official and have the police chief as a witness I guess.

But to the chief’s credit, during all of this, he stopped his lunch (he was eating at Asian Garden also) and responded to the stolen car report, blocked off the car from another perusing officer and short chased down the felon on foot) and arrested the 16 year old Sacramento car thief. When he got back to the restaurant (his food was still on the table), where we finally arrived, he was talking to us about everything going on when a guy from inside the place came out and told the chief the seven fighting boys they were looking for were in the restaurant hiding out. So while his lunch was still waiting he called for another officer and they marched the FCA’s out of the restaurant… He short chased a car thief down on foot and caught him… Wow, pretty cool huh when your chief actually gets to (or has to) do some real police work?

 

S.O.S. Had A Couple Of Tough Weeks too…

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            Brian Dolan,  (seen above marching in the May Fair parade with some of his elementary students) Dixon’s Superintendent of Schools, has had a really tough couple of weeks too… He’s supposed to be and educator not a policeman and grief counselor but that’s what he’s had to do with the high school felony cheating scandal one week, $70,000 worth of felony vandalism the next and now the tragic passing of one of his beloved teachers in an automobile accident this past weekend. Heads up Brian, the school year is over and may the new one be better for you and your staff.

 

The Movie Studio that Never Was
A local guy, Bil Paul, has written a book on the big movie studio that never came to Dixon… or anywhere else as a matter of fact. Bill interviewed dozens of people; some who knew what they were talking about and others just blowing smoke. He does a good job of exposing the the billion dollar smokescreen that never was. Along the way he touches on the university and the race track that never was too.

There were people from the get go that knew the promoter was just that and said from the very start … “Show me the money”… which of course she never did. This book will become part of Dixon’s history and is certainly worth reading… you might be in it! You can pick up a copy at  Fisk’s Cyclery, 539 North Adams Street.

2015pd2Something’s Pretty Fishy Here…

 

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            I’ve been telling folks for 30 years about the dangers in eating a lot of fish from Lake Berryessa and/or the delta. A lot of the old timers said, “I’ve been eating those fish all my life…” They are all mostly dead now from one cause or another. The point being with mercury leaching from the mines behind Berryessa and in the industrial pollution from here to San Francisco Bay there are toxins in the waters and you need to be aware of it,

Fish and game has had the warnings in their annual regulations booklet, in small type, buried somewhere within for many years. This year however, they’ve taken the 10 back pages to post warnings about most of the popular fishing spots in the state.

It lists among other things, ”Women 18 to 45 and children 1-17 years should eat “0” servings a week of black bass, white sturgeon or striped bass coming from the delta in this area. The same goes for black bass, catfish, or king salmon coming from Lake Berryessa. This is based on either Mercury or PCB’s in the fish’s meat. Women over 45 an all men should have no more than one serving a week.

Don’t even start… I know, I know, you’ve been eating them all your life… could it be you’ve lost friends or relatives a little too soon because they’ve been the victims of mercury or PCB poisoning…who knew?  The point is, just to be on the safe side don’t feed it to your kids or any women who might want to reproduce. Fish and game doesn’t care about non-breedable women or men that much… Read the booklet, it has all of your favorite lakes in it.

 

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June 6th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #571 (6-5-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns


Feel Free to Email:
Tedhick@gmail.com

 2015j - Copy

For the tens of thousands who fought, and the thousands who gave their lives that day, and the shrinking number of WWII combatants still alive… thank you for the freedoms we now have… June 6, 1944- D-Day.

 

Game Club Meeting, Monday 6 pm

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At 6:30 on Monday you need to step up to the plate and attend the Dixon Game and Conservation Club’s monthly meeting… Fork over your $10 for an annual membership and be part of the game club’s programs.

If you hunt or fish or just enjoy the out of doors your help is needed to keep this 80+ year old local club going strong. If you have kids that are, or will be, into the outdoors you need to join and help out a little only a couple of times a year. This is the group that puts on the annual crab/prawn feed, the annual youth pheasant hunts and holds all of the hunter safety clinics and courses. The club’s membership is dwindling as older members croak and some new blood is needed… The club house is located right behind the post office on Mayes Street. See you there…

 

Dixon, Sure I Know Where That Is…!

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            It happened to me the first time, believe it or not, in Hong Kong. I was there with a Chinese/American business partner, Bob Chang, and we were taking a cab to a business meeting. The apparent former NSCAR driver/cabbie did his usual, “Where you guys from”? We said “California” and he said, “What part?” I said, “The north” and he said, “What part?”  I said, “Between Sacramento and San Francisco”. He said, “Vacaville, Davis?” I said, “No you probably never heard of it… Dixon”. He said, “Sure I’ve heard of it me and my family started the sod business there.” What are the odds huh? Of all the cabs in all the places in the world… how’d we end up in his?

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As Yogi would say, “It was Deja vu all over again” this past weekend when my first wife Linda and her 90 year-old mother were in Indiana visiting their cousins. They were taking a day trip, visiting way the hell and gone, to a little Northern Indiana Amish town by the shore of Lake Michigan. They were at a little candy store in Shipshewana, Indiana called the Victorian Candy Company. Almost the identical conservation to the one above took place with the punch line from the candy salesman being, “Sure I know where Dixon is, I went to school there for a while before we moved to Vacaville.” What are the odds huh?  Of all of the candy stores in this country… how’d she/he end up there?

Are We Nuts?

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               Anybody out there have a calculator that goes out to enough numbers to figure out something for me… please. With the thousands of acres taken out of row crop production and planted in nut trees I’m trying to figure out our water loss.

At least 2,000 acres in this immediate area have been converted in the past year or so. If you average 120 + trees per acre that equals about 240,000 trees. Right so far? I don’t know how many nuts per tree but let’s say, only for the sake of argument, a ridiculous 100 per tree. This is where the big math comes in. How many nuts is that? And, if it takes a gallon of water to produce each nut how many gallons of water is that? And if the nuts take all of our water what will we drink almond milk? And what is this water hogging going to cost us in the long run as supplies dwindle even further? Curious minds want to know… Do You?

PROD Strikes Again

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            You think our city council has some strange ideas about how they are supposed to represent the public take a gander at our neighbors, The People’s Republic Of Davis (PROD). They are now prodding their people on how to raise their children and dictating what they will drink and where. They have already outlined smoking in cars, loud snoring neighbors, and a whole host of laws that can only make us thankful our city council just doesn’t want to let us vote on a stinky issue.

This comes from Davis Enterprise columnist Bob Dunning, May 28, 2015… (Last Tuesday’s city council vote requires the changes below to start Sept. 1) … really!

“It may be painful at first, but my sweetheart and I have decided to pack up our kids and deliver them to City Hall to be raised until they turn 18 years of age by members of the Davis City Council.

After last Tuesday’s vote requiring selected local restaurants to serve milk or water as some sort of “default” drink, it’s clear the council knows a heck of a lot more about raising our kids than we do.

Using the word “Whereas” to start eight straight sentences, the Council decreed that come Sept. 1 “A restaurant that sells a children’s meal that includes a beverage shall make the default beverage offered with the children’s meal one of the following: 1) Water, sparkling water, or flavored water, with no added natural or artificial sweeteners; 2) Milk or non-dairy milk alternative.”

This, of course, creates a conflict of sorts, since on the one hand restaurants are supposed to automatically offer water as a default beverage, while at the same time they are being ordered by the State Water Resources Control Board to never, ever serve customers water unless they specifically request it.

 

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Scofflaw parents can still order soda pop for the kids under Section 17.02.02 (b) that states “Nothing in this Section prohibits a restaurant’s ability to sell, or a customer’s ability to purchase, a substitute or alternative beverage instead of the default beverage offered with a children’s meal, if requested by the purchaser of the children’s meal.”

They will, however, be subject to the “Public Shaming” section of the ordinance that requires all restaurants to snap photos of any parent ordering “alternative” beverages and post them prominently on the city’s new social media site known as the “Wall of Shame.” Soda-ordering parents will also be reported to Child Protective Services.

You should note that 7-Eleven, which sells monstrously large sugar-laced drinks to children of any age, is exempt from this feel-good ordinance that accomplishes absolutely nothing”…

I contacted Bob and asked for his permission to reprint the above and he said, “Sure”. I told him about calling his city PROD and he said, “That’s OK I‘ve been doing that since the 70’s.” This is no joke, once again they are as serious as a heart attack. I am so glad we live on this unenlightened side of the freeway.

 

More Things For Thought

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*Ironically, erectile dysfunction appears to be a growing problem.

 

*Even the worst hangover is over by 5pm… Coincidence?  I think not.

*I hate to be critical, but whoever named them “brownies” really wasn’t trying very hard.

*Once again I’ve failed being a smart-ass.  I told the wife her makeup application just screams “I failed clown college”… sleeping on the couch again.

*Everyone at my funeral will be given a stun gun… the last person standing gets all my stuff.

*My car remote died today… I had to insert the key in the door like some kind of damned animal!

*I predict it’s only a matter of time until “security camera’s of Wal-Mart” becomes a hit reality show.

*I want to live in a world where the food network delivers.

*I don’t understand the point of a “lap dance”… if I wanted a woman to sexually frustrate me and take all my money I’d just stay home.

*The wife can’t find a serving size on the label of a bottle of wine… so she just assumes its one serving.

*Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and destroy lives… and yet women are just allowed to roam about freely.

*”Girls just want to have fun” became a feminist anthem for women in the 1980’s… probably ‘cuz it’s really upbeat and easy to do housework to.

*Well, if you count watching Elmer Fudd singing “kill the wabbit”… then yes, I’ve been to the opera.

*A roadrunner’s top speed is about 20mph while a coyote can reach speeds of up to 43mph… my childhood was a lie!

*It’s only when a mosquito lands on your private parts that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without violence.

*If a giraffe could drink coffee it would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Ever think of that… oh hell no, you only think about yourself!

*If you thought you heard 20 minutes of moaning coming from the bedroom this morning… that was just me trying to stand up.

*At some point in life everyone has gambled on passing gas… .and lost.

*Helen Keller walks into a bar… then a table, then a chair.

*I was riding a horse once and its leg broke.  I had to shoot it… everyone on the carousel freaked! 

*Marriage is supposed to be permanent… it’s like a tattoo that yells at you.

*To accurately distinguish between African and Indian elephants you must check their defining trait, the ears… you lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

*Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security… at least it’s the first thing they holler when I approach them!

*Nymphomaniac:  A woman as obsessed with sex as the average man.

*I’ve learned two important lessons in life.  I can’t recall the first one… but the second one is that I need to start writing things down.

*I’ve been hiding from exercise… I’m in the fitness protection program.

*Sleeping in could very easily be my super-power… if not for my arch nemesis, having to pee.

*I’m very good at getting haircuts, going to the dentist or even fighting bulls… just any excuse to wear a cape.

*The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds.

*I was on the commode for so long I finally said to myself… “I’m getting too old for this crap!”

Warning About EBay

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If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. A friend of mine just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger… Bastards sent him a magnifying glass… The only instruction said, “Do not use in sunlight.”

 

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May 30th 2015
That’s Life©1966 #570 (5-29-15)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email:Tedhick@gmail.com

Come On Folks… Join Up!

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The Dixon Game and Conservation Club was formed in 1933 in Dixon to promote hunting and shooting sports, support wildlife conservation, and to give the youth in the area a chance to experience  them.

The club sponsors various outdoor activities with the help of grants from the NRA and money raised from their main fund raiser; the Annual Game Club Crab Feed.

Funds raised from that event go towards supplying guns and ammunition for the 4-H shooting sports program, ammunition for the Dixon Clay Busters (a youth trap shooting team) and to purchase birds and other supplies for the yearly Dixon Youth Pleasant Hunt.

It also sponsors and holds several California Hunter Safety classes each year at the club’s location. These classes make it possible fort hunters of all ages to be able to get a California Hunting license. Without a hunter safety certificate you can’t buy a hunting license. It is also important for hunters going out of state. Many states and countries now require a hunter safety certificate where before just proof of a hunting license would suffice.

The club meets the second Monday of the month at 6:30 pm at the game club building on West Mayes St. right behind the post office. The club is currently looking for new members to help them keep the club going and is open to anyone who supports the ideals and goals of the organization, Dues are only $10 a year. You can join by simply coming to the next regular meeting on June 8, 2015 or contact the organization or any member. My family and I plan to do our part to keep this segment of our outdoor heritage alive… you should too.

I took the photo above at one of their youth pheasant hunts.

For additional information contact President, Bob Dohr at 707-580-5803 or via e-mail at: rddohr@gmail.com.

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DHS Physics Lesson The Wet Way,,,

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Kim McGreevey, Physics Teacher at Dixon High School held a walk on water test for her students on Wednesday. Dixon High School held its 13th Annual Walk on Water event, a competition where 100 physics students (juniors and seniors) in 17 groups attempted to successfully walk across the Dixon City Pool by utilizing mechanical projects that they designed and constructed from scratch. The stakes are high as they have a chance to forfeit the final if they make it across the pool in less than two minutes! You know what? Many of the 17 teams entered did! (Look for a story and other photos elsewhere in today’s per. In the photo above I took on Wednesday is John Jordan who is seen making his celebratory jump after completing the course.

 

Really Good Thinking

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*I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

*Old age is coming at a really bad time!

*When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment  …   now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

*Lord,  grant me the  strength  to accept the things I cannot change, the courage  to change  the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

* I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m very         wise.

*My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

*Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

*If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

*The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

* I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

*When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

*I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

*Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

*Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

*Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

*Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

*At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

The Pilot and the Priest:

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A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘ Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’ The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’  Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’  The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’ Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ ‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.  ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?’ ‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.  ‘When you preached – people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.

 

THESE SIMPLE TRICKS REALLY WORK!!

 

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I checked them out on Snopes and they are for real!

Amazing, simple home remedies:

  1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
  2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
  3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to set a timer.
  4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
  5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
  6. You need only two tools in life – wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
  7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem… and always remember –
  8.  Some people are like slinkies – not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when they’re pushed down the stairs.


Questions That Haunt Me!

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*Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

*What disease did cured ham actually have?

*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

*Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

*Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
*Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway…
*Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
*Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
*If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

*Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

*If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
*Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
*Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

*Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

*Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

*Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

*Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

*Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

*Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

*If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

*Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

*Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

*Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

*Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

*Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

*How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

*Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

*In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

*How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

** And my favorite… The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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