Posted under That's Life Columns
Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com
The reports you’ve heard about a husband-wife murder-suicide a last weekend a few blocks from our home is true. It apparently was the most horrific crime scene in this area’s history done by an apparently completely deranged man (at the time) who went off the deep end … with two children (who weren’t physically harmed) in the home. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to know the grizzly details and it was so bad all first responders involved have serious counseling available to them provided by the city. The point is if you are friends, relatives or neighbors of this senseless tragedy do what you can to support the families and especially the children… I don’t know how they will ever get over the trauma… You know in this business, as an elected official and newspaper person, there are sometimes you wish you weren’t privy to information like this… hug your kids and kiss your mate.
I was running our young bird dog a couple of days ago about 10 a.m. and here comes a skunk down the road right at us, close enough to get this picture with my phone… in broad daylight (not a good thing) and it naturally got me started thinking about the upcoming elections and…
… It’s started already… people asking me what I think about this candidate or that candidate or this or that ballot issue, etc.… At this point in time all I have to say is to look at each candidate, what they’ve done and read the fine print on each ballot issue and then… If it looks like a skunk, it walks like a skunk and it smells like a skunk you can probably bet it will be a skunk and won’t (or can’t) change its stripe… Hope this helps!
With School Starting Here’s Why Teachers Drink…
…if these are true, I hope they were penned by an extremely small percentage of the students. The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. With school about to get out I thought these were worth re-telling! These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
- What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
- What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q… What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
- What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
- Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death
- How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
- How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Thebrainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
- What is the fibula?
A.A small lie
- What does ‘varicose’ mean?
- What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
- Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
- What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
- What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
- What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
Best quote of the evening on events in Milwaukee: “A black criminal pointed a stolen gun at a black policeman, and got shot by that black policeman, who was protecting a black neighborhood. So the residents of that neighborhood rioted and burned down their own neighborhood, because black lives matter!” Did I get that right? Am I missing something?
More Tings For Thought
*I’m really glad that back in high school we learned so much about parallelograms rather than how to do taxes… it’s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
*The farmer asked the vet if his pig was going to be ok… ..”Yes, just apply the oinkment. I ham so sorry. I don’t know what’s bacon me say these things.”
*What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to.
*Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? Those were good times.
*Sometimes you’re the cat, sometimes you’re the hairball… inspirational sayings are easy!
*I often think that if I’d taken a different path in life… I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable couch right now.
*Being a husband is a lot like being a weatherman… you can be wrong 90% of the time and still hold onto your job.
*I almost choked to death on a Kale chip… that never happens with Cinnabons.
*You can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers… which are right over there by the sidewalk.
*I can tell she’s getting more mature because she just used the word “genitalia”… instead of “wiener thingie”.
*Found out today that you can’t join a gym “just to watch”.
*My wife is so sweet… every time she goes to the bar alone she leaves me her wedding ring so I will think about her all night.
*If I did one of those “oil painting and wine” classes the instructor would be like… “Wow, you’re really good at wine.”
*How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat… she fits into your wife’s clothes.
*When buying an expensive flat-screen 80-inch 3d TV be sure to put the box in your neighbor’s trash… so you don’t get robbed.
*My wife left me for a fisherman… the poor schmuck is still reeling.
*If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire who has changed his name to cha-ching then I just don’t see the point in money.
*I opened the door for just a second attempting to let a fly out… three mosquitoes, six moths and a Jehovah’s Witness came in!
*No matter how good that raspberry body wash smells don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream… I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
*Today is national pet day… but apparently there is no touching of people on national pet day. I know this now.
*The wife let me remove all of her clothes last night… from the dryer.
*This lady in Wal-Mart is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant… and then put it back on the shelf.
*Who called it a vasectomy rather than a “cull-de-sac”?
*Happy two year anniversary to the bag of clothes for donation on the chair in the corner of my room.
*Stop trying to figure out who will wear the pants in your relationship… relationships work best when no one wears any pants.
*Poor: an adjective. When you have too much month left at the end of your money.
*I was inept with girls in my youth. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap… and in the resulting confusion made a macramé plant hanger.
*Have you ever just looked at someone and automatically felt annoyed?
*You’re just five beers away from being my type.
**In the crap with the wife again. We were sitting out back the other night and I said, “In the moonlight your teeth look just like pearls”… she said, “Who’s pearl and why were you in the moonlight with her?”
*”How many fingers do I have up?”… a gynecologist that thinks he’s really funny.
*Dyslexic people who tuned in the super bowl were probably horribly dismayed when they saw football… rather than a superb owl.
*No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”.
*There’s just nothing quite like sitting naked in a bean-bag chair eating Cheetos… I sure hope they’ll let me come back here to target.
*One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is how it appears… or, I need new glasses. Again.
**White smoke rolling out from under my hood means one of two things………either I need some expensive repairs or my car just elected a new pope.
*If I’ve learned anything in my 37 years on earth it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
*What’s the closest thing a man experiences that is similar to a woman’s period? His paycheck… it comes once a month, lasts 5-7 days, and if you don’t get it you’re in real trouble.
*I’ve never thought enough of myself to think I could ever “complete” anyone… but driving someone nuts sounds doable!
*If you take the word “milk” and only change four letters you have the word “beer”.
*Do you remember the good old days… when general motors jobs were in Flint, MI, and you couldn’t drink the water in Mexico?
*The real fun in robbing the post office isn’t the money… it’s watching them move quickly for once.
*Right before I die I’m planning on consuming a whole bag of popcorn kernels… it’ll make the cremation a bit more entertaining.