November 4th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #701 (11-3-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Email me at: Tedhick@gmail.com

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital,  saying that “after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex”.  A hospital spokesman replied:  “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

“Don’t ruin a good today by thinking about a bad yesterday. Let it go!”

 

Time Changes Saturday *IS&IS (Tomorrow)

            Only in America would this nation of sheep let its elected officials rule them with absurdity like Daylight Savings time.

  1. It doesn’t save daylight.
  2. It doesn’t get dark earlier because the time changed
  3. Contrary to some people’s thinking it doesn’t get darker of lighter earlier or later because you change the time. The time doesn’t change and neither does anything but time pieces.
  4. It’s supposed to save energy and let the crops get harvested with more working hours in the day… Stupid, and if it ever did serve a function that has long since passed. It needs to be done away with, like now. With all of the hundreds of stupid new laws the California legislature passes each year can’t one of these fat hogs at the taxpayer trough get a bill passed and signed to do away with this antiquated practice?

Anyway, It’s time to turn your clocks back. Daylight Saving Time ends Sunday, Nov. 5 – meaning when the clock strikes 2 a.m., we’ll be “falling back” an hour, with the clocks turning back to 1 a.m. For morning people, that means there will be an extra hour of sunlight in the morning. However, that also means your evening commute may be in the dark. Americans, except for those in Arizona, Hawaii, and a few territories, participate in the practice, which is meant to reduce electricity usage by extending daylight hours. Despite being practiced by many, lawmakers in several states are increasingly trying to avoid the time change, claiming it is unnecessary. Daylight Saving Time occurs twice a year where we change our clocks forward an hour in the spring and back an hour in the fall.

Below are fast facts about the twice-yearly time change:

  • Sunday, November 5, 2017 – Daylight Saving Time ends at 2 am. Set clocks back one hour.
  • Sunday, March 11, 2018 –Daylight Saving Time begins at 2 am. Set clocks ahead one hour.
  • It is “Daylight Saving Time” (singular), not “Daylight Savings Time” (plural).
  • Beginning in 2007,Daylight Saving Time starts in the United States on the second Sunday in March and ends on the first Sunday in November.
  • Timeline: 1784 – The idea of daylight saving is first conceived by Benjamin Franklin.
  • 1914-1918 –Britain goes on DLS during World War I.
  • March 19, 1918 – The Standard Time Act establishes time zones and daylight saving. Daylight saving is repealed in 1919, but continues to be recognized in certain areas of the United States.
  • 1945-1966 – There is no federal law regarding Daylight Saving Time.
  • 1966 – The Uniform Time Act of 196 establishes the system of uniform Daylight Saving Time throughout the United States. The dates are the last Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October. States can exempt themselves from participation.
  • 1974-1975 – Congress extends DLS in order to save energy during the energy crisis.
  • 1986-2006 – Daylight Saving Time begins on the first Sunday in April and ends on the last Sunday in October.
  • August 8, 2005 –President George W. Bush signs the Energy Policy Act of 2005 into law. Part of the act will extend Daylight Saving Time starting in 2007, from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November.
  • 2007 – Under the new laws, all of Indiana now observes Daylight Saving Time, where only certain areas of the state did before.
  • Exceptions in the United States: In the United States, Hawaii and most of Arizona do not follow DLS.
  • The US territories of Guam, Puerto Rico, Virgin Islands and American Samoa also do not observe DLS. California does, of course.
  • What countries follow Daylight Saving Time? About 70 countries around the world observe DLS.
  • Many countries near the equator do not adjust their clocks for daylight saving.
  • Neither China nor Japanobserve DLS. That’s over a billion and a half people smarter than us.
  • Some countries refer to “Daylight Saving Time” as “Summer Time.” I refer to it as *“IS&IS… not to be confused with ISIS… My acronym stands stands for *“It’s Stupid & It Sucks”.

Stuff from the City’s happenings

  1. Marijuana: Voters approved it for recreational use, medical use, and a 15% tax… Voters; both statewide and in Dixon. So the city council is now trying to work out the guidelines and get answers to questions which have yet to be asked. We’ve approved up to three places to setup in the industrial zoned area business including one complex already tagged the “Marijuana Mall”  as one local resident called it… away from kids, schools, churches, etc. These three will be our learning base and we will have to adjust the rules to fit the game as we go along. What is known they will pay A LOT of money for the right to do this business and much of that money will go into policing them…the way it should be, right?

  1. SalesTax: This much is a given, a truism if you will. The Parkway Blvd Overpass out by the high school must be built and it must be done ASAP. The total impaction of traffic at times will not get better until this thing is finished… and talk and meetings isn’t getting it done. The problem is the funds are not there and won’t be until development runs amuck and lavishes Dixon with boatloads of cash…And that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Meanwhile the traffic problem, created by the school district gets worse daily as development is occurring. The cost to finish this beast is about $15,000,000 (million). The cost for a new Fire department annex for the south side of town is another $5 mill. The question is: Where do you get the funding? The answer isn’t from the local homeowners if I/we have anything to say about it, and I/we do. I want to see these two projects done and the streets repaired but I don’t want me or any other home owner or taxpayer to

    foot the bill. Great, right? Then where do you get the funding? After exhausting the city staff by having them research and get every conceivable funding source I/we came up and settled on a local sales tax. The experts we’ve talked to said it is the only way to painlessly get the needed funding without gouging the local home owners and taxpayers. So I’m really pushing to get the measure on the ballot for next year’s 2018 election to give you, the voters, options and let YOU decide. The phone survey many of you are getting doesn’t explain this measure will cost you nothing but a partial per cent up to a penny on things you buy locally, but will produce funding to take care of our most pressing needs Why not let Walmart shoppers, fast food fanatics and others buying stuff, help pay for the service they want and use? Each quarter cent (a quarter of a penny) would produce about $700,000 a year and A half cent tax would produce, of course, about 1.4 million  and a whole penny about  $2.8 million a year for a the one cent sales tax increase. It would be a kind of painless way to share our fund drive for needed revenue for us to get what we need.  The full cent would be a penny more per dollar. Many area cities have gone this route and we either sit on our hands or get off our duffs and get things moving. I’m tired of hearing the same gripes over and over again…Here’s a chance to get things done. Let’s get this on the ballot and see what our people think about it OK? A majority of the council appears to agree on getting this issue on the ballot next year.

Don’t like it, don’t but anything and let the Davis and highway shoppers pay for our roads, they use, our over pass, and our new fire department sub stattion...

  1. The Fireworks fine is fine! I don’t about you and your neighbors but me and ours have had it with the idiots firing off heavy duty motor fireworks that shake our windows, scare the hell out of our dogs and wake babies from their sleep. They’ve had and want it to stop, now. We’ve had police and fire chiefs nicely ask the hooligans to cut it out and they laugh in their faces and say… “Catch me if you can”… Well guess what? Your city council is about to wipe the smirks off their faces with an ordinance coming up for approval next week. We “borrowed” it from Elk Grove whose chief said it brought illegal fireworks in their spread out community to an abrupt halt last year…So.., wait for it; we are going to use their approach. No sense in reinventing the wheel or paying our attorneys to do what Elk Grove has already successfully done. How’s is work? Simple, get caught setting off illegal fireworks and it’s a $1,000 fine, period. Plus an added bonus of $50 for each other illegal one found…Plus maybe even federal charges if the explosives warrant it.

The police or firemen show up to a party setting off these bombs and everyone laughs and gives them the old “it wasn’t me line”. That worked before. Now it won’t. The Homeowner will receive their guest’s bill for in the form of an “administrative citation” (ticket) for $1000 plus $50 each for all of the others illegals found. Wanna throw a big party with drinking and explosives for Christmas, New Year or the 4th? Go ahead and make our day. The city coffers can use the money. No excuses, no three strikes, you’re out like it is now… $200, first, $500 second and $700 third…One strike you’re out and you pay the fiddler No fair your say? Too expensive your say? There’s a simple solution. Don’t shoot off these dangerous bombs or let anyone else do it on your property and you’ve got no problem. Have money to burn? Be one of the first to get busted so we can make an example out of you and your soon to be poorer friends.

  

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October 27th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #700 (10-27-17)*

Posted under Independent Voice News Stories & That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

 

Four Generations at the soccer field

 

A very unique surprise awaited 13 year-old, C.A Jacobs eight grader Shannon Hickman, when she came to her Dixon soccer game last Saturday and was greeted by: Left to right standing: Grandmothers Suzie McCloskey, from San Diego, Linda Hickman (Hagerman) and seated her 90 year old great grandmother Patty McCuskey, of Lafayette, and 93 year old great grandmother Mary Hagerman, of Dixon, who both came to see her play for the first time.

In all four generations of her family were at the field from both sides of her family and were gathered together for the first time with mom, dad, grandpas, grandmas and great-grandmas.

 

Another Milestone

#700 consecutive Columns in a row?

700 weeks? That’s like, a lot…700 consecutive, every week, non-stop for 13.46 years, that’s loyalty huh? That’s about 98,192 words a year or about 12,764,499 words total which many of you have read. Thanks, keep reading please…It makes it worthwhile… and makes the time spent each week more justifiable.  It takes at least a couple of hours for each offering not counting photos and research.

And once again I’ll explain: If you read things and you think they are funny, clever, well written or worthwhile I probably wrote it. If not, I probably “borrowed it” from someone or some place.

Reportedly thousands of you read this “hard copy” each week and about 200,000, from all over the map, have read the digital version on the tedhickman.com web page… where the uncensored version appears each week. Some of the jokes you don’t see here are rated PG14 by the publisher and when he blushes or his wife has a fit over content they get cut (but not trimmed) … but… many are too funny to waste so to the web page they go.

I don’t have a specific goal in mind I’ll just keep on keeping on as long someone wants to read this stuff and I feel motivated to put pen to paper, as it were. When I run out of interesting things to write about or cover I’ll just quit.

I started writing this original column in Dixon in the 1960’s and it’s been around, off and on since then. It became copyrighted in the past decade or so but everything I do, photos and all is usually available free to readers upon request. I started it up again here when the current I.V. publisher was very ill and asked for my help. I started the original version of this newspaper called which was called “The Dixon Newspaper” that morphed into today’s publication. The column first appeared when I was editor of the Dixon Tribune for seven years where we won the paper’s only first place state and national awards. I have also edited and written for other publications over the years from the Sacramento Union to the Bee to the Sac Metro C of C publication which I started. Blah, blah, blah… So here we are and here we stay until…? Pretty simply if you like it, read it. If you don’t, don’t. Thanks to those of you who do and have nice things to say occasionally.

 

From the email bag…

Another voice; What Americans want…


… Ted: I like the way this is phrased because it recognizes that the political class are “bought and paid for”.  I believe that the basic premise is correct:  If you listen to Trump, he is hitting many of the hot buttons of the electorate.  But you have to listen to him and not be distracted by his showmanship and obnoxious behavior.

I like the list of 13 things that I, as a senior American citizen, want.  Trump is at least talking about issues that most Americans are concerned about.  My mantra about Trump is this: Truthfully, We are usually in agreement with most of what he says but wish someone else was saying it. We are offended by his brash manner. We are getting older and our tickers aren’t what they used to be, but what matters is that he covers most of the 13 things we as seniors want – at least I do for sure.

  1. Hillary: held accountable for her previous wrongs!
  2. Put “GOD” back in America!
  3. Borders: Closed or tightly guarded!
  4. Congress: On the same retirement & healthcare plans as everybody else.
  5. Congress: Obey its own laws NOW!
  6. Language: English only!
  7. Culture: Constitution and the Bill of Rights!
  8. Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before & during Welfare!
  9. Freebies: NONE to Non-Citizens!  Drug testing for all government handouts to citizens.
  10. Budget: Balance the damn thing!
  11. Foreign Countries: Stop giving them our money!  Charge them for our help!  We need it here.
  12. Fix the TAX CODE.

And last but not least.

  1. “RESPECT OUR MILITARY AND OUR FLAG!

Amen brother.

 

More Things For Thought

*The wife and I are still having some disagreements with our ‘pre-need’ planning… she’s refusing to provide a canister of helium for the guy that does my eulogy .

*Poor pick-up line:  “hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel… ‘cuz you look like you ate one!”

*I told my insomniac wife to look on the bright side… her sleep disorder keeps her way below average on the annual consumption of spiders we all here so much about.

 

*She said “I don’t believe in casual sex.”… I replied, “I’ll wear a suit.”

*Thanks to this face I’ve been forced to work on my personality and wit for decades.

*My grocery store changed its layout.  It was better the other way… so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

*I’m one of the kindest, most considerate people you’ll ever meet… but I will admit if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub I would probably throw my laundry in.

*Boss at work:  “hey, look at my new shoes!  They light up when I walk away!”… me:  “doesn’t everyone?”

*The wife said: “remind me if I’m ever on life support not to have you in charge of pulling the plug!”… right.  As if I could ever get to the head of that line.

*What idiot called it a “transplant”… and not “re-organizing”?

*That was insensitive and I really must apologize… I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that would be for you.

*I painted one room, and then the hallway and then the room next to it looked kinda shabby… I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

*Brenda in accounting forgot to draw on her eyebrows this morning… I have no clue what kind of mood she’s in.

*Paddy and Mick are in an aeroplane and mick says, “paddy, if dis aeroplane turns upside doon will we faw out?”… Paddy says, “naw Mick weel always be pals!”

*Day 8 of quitting smoking:  I have 7 gallons of blood to donate. Various types… none of it mine.

*In the movies almost any schmuck can hotwire a car in ten seconds… in real life it takes me probably 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.

*It’s just total crap how little frolicking I get to do… I was made for frolicking.

*As I was driving some stranger yelled “hey, what’s your problem buddy?”… so I was honest and said I drink too much and can’t stop eating chips.

*In my heart I believe that the majority of people are good, but migawd, the bad ones are so loud and very annoying.

*Somewhere out there is a guy with a man bun, wearing his new romper, with his fidget spinner in one hand and his vape in the other…..and he needs his ass kicked.

*I think we’re all just hoping to find that one person…….who will just simply love us for the awesome disaster we are.

*Our entire universe is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere, placed on a shelf in an alien child’s room as an old science fair project… that got a C- .

*What do you call a person that’s happy on Monday…retired!

*When one of the boys was young he was acting up so I googled his behavior… according to my research he’s a honey badger.

*Shag is a funny word.  To a carpet maker it’s a long pile rug.  To a pipe smoker it’s a type of tobacco.  To an American it’s a dance… and to an ugly Englishman it’s just a remote possibility.

*Four is the only number that has the same amount of letters as its actual value… and no, you can’t say “to” does.

*When I see ‘just married’ I tend to think it means ‘only married’ as if there are higher forms of commitment… but they just settled for marriage.

*Oh really?  Well, you thought four inches was huge when we were talking about spiders!

*Instead of saying a package is ‘family size’ it would be more helpful if they gave a time frame… like ‘three hours’ worth of cookies’.

*I want to apologize to D.C. comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story line could never happen in real life.

*If, just by chance, I would ever overthrow a government in an English-speaking country… my first act as new leader would be to un-silence the “p” in words like “coup”, “psychoses” and “ptarmigan“.

 

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October 27th 2017
What Did You Do Last weekend?

Posted under Feature Stories from the IV & Hunting/Fishing Articles & Independent Voice News Stories & That's Life Columns

Why Not Try bow hunting for flying  pheasants

By Ted Hickman IV outdoor editor

Pictured left to right: Shane Nichols, Me, Lacy Lockwood and “Lady” the French Brittany  on point. The second shot is of Lacy bagging a bird kind of the easy way!

 

First picture is me shooting, the second is my arrow missing.

The big picture shows an arrow from my bow and an arrow from Shane’s bow  about to criss-cross in the space where the bird just was (a miss).  The bottom photo shows the dog on point, Shane about to shoot and Lacy backing him up. The smaller picture shows Shannon with a bird Shane just harvested.

You talk to people, especially non-hunters, about hunting pheasants with a bow and arrow and they think you’re kidding…But we have been doing it since our sons, now in their 30’s, were in their teens. Granted it’s not the easiest or best way to put meat on the table but it sure as heck is more sporting. When we have three archers shooting we will hit a bird or glance and arrow off (with no harm done) several times out of five shots. On a good day we will harvest one outright about one out of every 6 to 10 shots… That’s 30 arrows collectively from three shooters, having been flung into the air. You have to realize the point of an arrow is about the size of the end of a ball point pen and the body size of a big pheasant is about the size of a small Nerf football. There is a lot of skill involved but luck is certainly a factor. It’s hard to prepare for this type of outing. We have had shotgunners in the field smirk when they see us with our pointing dogs and bows and arrows only to watch their jaws drop when they see a bird fall from the air.

            The photos above came about when we took our visiting guest, Lacy Lockwood from Oklahoma out to Hasting Island pheasant club for his first pheasant hunt. We hunt whitetail deer on his family’s ranch but they don’t have pheasants… or chukar either. Lacy was able to harvest several pheasants and chukar to take home for rare meal for Oklahomans in his part of the state.

We were joined in the field by our son Trey, his 13 year old daughter Shannon and our friends Fred Vanderwold and fellow bow hunter  Shane Nichols. Having Trey to take the photos allowed me to hunt for a change. We used our Brittany point dog and Fred’s pointing lab to find the birds. Bird hunting getting too easy or you getting bored, take up this sport there’s even a special California bow hunting season for wild pheasants… slightly harder but still doable!

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October 22nd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #699 (10-20-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

 

What did you have for dinner Sunday?

          We had fresh grilled salmon and fresh Striped bass Tacos for Dinner. What did you have? While trolling for striped bass near Liberty Island last week we caught three stripers and then the fourth fish hitting a Rebel “broken back” lure was a surprise fresh run 19 pound  King Salmon. Salmon are being caught throughout the delta and in the Sacramento River but it was my first fresh water one to boat. I was thrilled and it was delicious.

        While schools make their annual Northern California fatal fall run the fish are scattered and hard to specifically fish for so luck has a lot to do with catching one the further you get away from the river’s main run. They don’t feed on their spawning run so you have to get something close enough to them to motivate them to bite. You can tell when the run is on by the flotilla of boats in both Sacramento and Rio Vista…You can do it too. Go on line, get a guide and go catch a really fresh dinner.

 

From the Email Bag…

Hey Ted:  “Check out the bill board sign on hwy 80 east between Vacaville and Dixon. A Kaiser advertisement with two men holding hands. Just when you think it can’t get crazier! I guess they need this 2% of the population to stay in business. Sent from my iPad”

Just wonder why the folks that were so upset of the photo of the girl in the bathing suit on the May Fair announcement board haven’t said a word about the huge highway poster in Dixon of two mem holding hands in an ad for Kaiser… like you said, “the times they are a changing… and there isn’t much it seems, we can do about some of it… Ken G. Dixon

 

Where’s It At? (between the A and the T?)

During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, “Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?” Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, “We’ve found a very secure place and I’m certain they won’t be found.”

“And just where is that? ” asked the reporter, sarcastically. Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration…”Next question?”

 

Yes, One for the power of the People; US! Kneel on this NFL!

It’s not quite the No Fan League yet, but on Sunday, NFL stadiums illustrated the damage that has been done by the seemingly endless national anthem protests, which have driven away thousands of football fans. Dylan Gwinn, writing on Breitbart, called it the “’new normal’ in the age of anthem protests: empty seats.” Multiple games were played with clearly visible holes in the stands. Good for you all! Are the commissioner and owners this week going to do anything but wait and see if it blows over? Not unless everyone boycotts sponsors and games until it really hurts their pocketbooks, then they might put it to the players they own and make them appear at least,  to show a little respect for all of those who keep these huge whiny, wealthy, hypocrites both free and safe.

 

Seventh Annual Hickman Corn Maze

For the seventh straight year the Hickman corn maze will open 24/7 until Halloween. It is a specialty maze in a pumpkin patch designed for blonds and senior citizens. The cost is only $4.95 and if it takes longer than four minutes and ninety five seconds that to get out we will return your money, give you a free pumpkin and arrange for a ride home for you… Such a deal! See the two other local competitive Halloween/pumpkin places in today’s paper.

The first two pictures  are from the Silveyville Pumpkin and Christmas Tree Farm just across the freeway off Pitt School Road. Go across overpass and take first turn (road)  to the left The third picture is from the Cool Patch Corn Maze and pumpkin stuff just outside of the city, across the A St. Overpass on the left..Can miss it. You ought to take the kids to both. They’re just a few minutes apart and are very different from each other.

 

 

More Things For Thought

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I ever had as a child.

*The twenty-something twin hotties that live next door are having plumbing problems and are using our shower, so you know what that means!… more hair in the drain.

*The wife dislikes cooking… but she is super-excited to debut her new cookbook “toast on a paper towel, 365 ways”.

*Every evening from 7 to 8pm the neighbor’s child practices the piano… with what sounds like her face.

*I was in the grocery store when one of my favorite dance songs came on… and while no one could keep up with my choreography security did let me finish the routine.

*I’m not real fastidious with the housekeeping… but I do want it tidy enough so that if someone drops in it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

*Rip Rosie O’Donnell… oh! Sorry! It’s Hugh Heffner who died, I thought they said huge heifer!

*At my age rolling out of bed early in the morning is easy… getting my sorry butt up off the floor is another story!

*Every morning a huge German shepherd defecates on my front lawn… today, to make matters worse, he brought his damn dog!

*I like to make lists… I also seem to like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list when I’m at the store.

*Charlie brown grew up to be a good grief counselor.

*They should make another taken movie about Liam neeson being under-appreciated for trying to take care of his family… “taken 4: granted”.

*Apparently the circle of life is not referring to a donut… I’m so confused.

*Everybody always talks about how Michelangelo painted the ceiling of the Sistine chapel on his back… but no one ever mentions how long his arms were.

*I don’t like the word ‘scampi’… it sounds like seafood that is trying to run away.

*Evelyn says that Betty’s daughter is a lesbian… but I’ve never noticed an accent.

*I treated the wife to one of those discounted “fish pedicures” the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the results… those piranha don’t mess around!

*I completely endorse the concept of minimalism… so much so that I actually own hundreds of books on the subject.

*The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.

*After the week I’ve had I really need to get taken out… on a date or by a sniper, either one is fine with me at this point.

 *I‘m at a wedding and I remark to the guy next to me “isn’t the bride an ugly dog?”….”do you mind?  That’s my daughter you’re talking about!”….”I’m sorry I didn’t know you were her father!”… “I’m not.  I’m her mother!”  

*Just a thought… shouldn’t women have a ‘girlnecologist’?

*If it could be arranged and if I had to be water boarded by the Taliban…  I’d like them to use a soft serve ice cream machine, preferably chocolate.

*You can lose a lot on a no sugar, no carb diet… I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

*I met a woman at a bar last night.  She looked, walked and talked like a lady… but when she drove me to her place and parallel-parked on the first try I thought “wait a minute….”

*If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you… I’d probably start thinking about you!

*At our high school reunion a woman inquired of me “are you wearing the same clothes you wore on the last day of school?”… I replied, “You told me to ‘never change’!”

  *Before marriage she fantasizes about spending a life together… after marriage she fantasizes about spending life insurance proceeds alone!

*Work from home?… hell, I don’t even work from work!

*My 14-year old grandson doesn’t know the name of the street he’s lived on for the last 6 years… we’re taking him to the vet to be micro-chipped.

A liberal friend asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion. I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells. A few days later he sent me this picture and asked me how to make it all work…  BTW: He voted for Obama — twice.

   

For you people who thought I was kidding last week…Ta Da.

 

Told you I was a bumper sticker carrying member!

 

#

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October 14th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #698 (10-13-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Mark Twain: “The fear of death follows from the fear of life.

A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

 

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

I just keep asking this question to make a point. There are so many thing to do every weekend in this area I can’t count them all. But maybe I’ll hit on something that will get you off your butt, off the couch, and away from things life the NFL disrespecting our Vice President in his own home state, by none other than your S.F. 49ers… (their “owners” should be ashamed when their players/people they own, embarrass them on world wide T.V. (does that not have a racist ring to it? … and NBA malcontents… Screw them, turn off the TV and go out and do something.

I mean like last week my first wife Linda and I went pheasant hunting with her new lightweight 20 gauge O/U shotgun I got her last month for our 50+ anniversary… You kind of run out of new ideas after five or so decades… She had trouble swinging the older heavier one and on her first shot with the new one she actually swung and shot too soon… Better early than late I guess. Our Brittany pointed and waited for her and I (was taking photos) to verity she got this one for sure. She had “shot” a couple birds in the past few years but other hunters shot about the same time so she was never truly convinced she got the birds although everyone said she did. This time there was no mistake since she had the only gun in the field… Not bad for a 70 something grandma huh?

Sooo… That was Friday. Saturday we went to our granddaughter’s soccer game in town at 9 followed by attending Lambtown where we then worked our shift, and had a good FFA bar-b-que, on the run, as I rushed off to the Lions Club poker tourney/ fundraiser.

Seriously folks, if you’ve never been to the Lambtown celebration at the fairgrounds (this year had a record attendance,) or had a fun evening with a great bunch of people playing cards and donating to one of Dixon’s prime charity supporting organizations, you should mark your calendars for next year; I guarantee you will enjoy them both.

            I’m perturbed I arrived at Lambtown a little late and just missed the PETA protesters. Pat the Mayfair manager was delighted I missed them. She has the Greg Coppes attitude of: “Don’t give them what they want and make a somebody out of a nobody… “Ignore them and they will go away, she did and they did; much better than my confrontation method which I’ve done twice at the fairgrounds. Two years ago on the first day I showed them my press credentials and said I had a few questions. After asking what their belts and purses were made of and what kind of interior was in their cars I asked what vegetables they had murdered today to sustain themselves… I asked for a pamphlet, they wouldn’t give me one and left. After the first day they didn’t come back to “work” for  the second. They did come, saw me heading towards them and I guess  decided it wasn’t a good day to hassle people and left without handing out a flyer. I was told I may hear from their legal people but apparently they chocked on a piece of spinach or something because I’m still waiting for a challenge to my first amendment rights. I am a bumper sticker carrying member of PETA, People Eating Tasty Animals (no kidding I have a bumper sticker from the Broken Arrow Oklahoma Beef Jerky outlet to prove it. BTW I/we (the whole family) do belong to that PETA group and the poor beautiful bird that gave up its life to Annie Oakley Hickman made a fine dinner… My buddy is a member too and had fresh salmon for dinner. Like I said, what did you do last weekend? I have Levis older than most of your so there is no reason for you to be married to your couch or the indoors when there is so much going out in the world. A fishing buddy of mine, Fred Vanderwold, went salmon fishing in the Sacramento river while we were pheasant hunting and he and two buddies limited out on fresh run fish (2 apiece, that’s six fish). Don’t have a boat? You can Gogglea sac river salmon guide and you and yours can make the trip yourself.

Hilary In the PROD; V.P. Pence In Sacto

Yep, Monday saw Hilary go to the People’s Republic Of Davis to address a sold out audience there to hear about and buy her book, “How I lied and screwed up a sure thing and made fools of the mass media”… or “What Happened,” or something like that. UCD used to be Ag school, now it’s a liberal foreign student body made up of mostly of English as a second language wealthy students… who lined up to listen to her whiny crap. Meanwhile in Sacramento VP. Pence visited at the same time, a day after leaving an NFL football game right after the national anthem and the S.F. 49ers embarrassing themselves, us, our state and their owners by kneeling, knowing the V.P. was there. Hope these ingrates are happy… outside their little patting each other on the backs cliques, they are all considered woefully morally inadequate.  Sacto’s Mayor Steinberg’s troops greeted our vice president with sign like “you stink”, and worse. Daryl must be so proud… You schmuck.

I’m embarrassed for him, our state, our vets, and feel pain for our nation as the mass media again tries to make news where there was none and create and print fake news… enough is enough. When they start their crap, for the first time in my life I just turn them off, turn off the news, the NFL and NBA.

POTUS: “I asked @VP Pence to leave stadium if any players kneeled, disrespecting our country. I am proud of him and @SecondLadyKaren”… US too!

Some More Things For Thought

  1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

  2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

  3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

  4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

  5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

  6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

  7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

  8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).

  9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries).

  10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

  11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

  12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

  13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

  14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

  15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

  16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this?

  17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

  18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

  19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

  20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

  21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

  22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

  23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

  24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

  25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest..

  26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

  27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

  28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

  29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

  30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

  31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

  32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

See… now wasn’t that calming and nice for a change?

Not to mention how much smarter you’ve now become!

 

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October 6th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #697 (9-29-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 696 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

Tomorrow night, October 7 is the annual

Dixon Lions Club Texas Hold’em night

The Dixon Lions Club annual fund raising Texas Hold’em poker tournament is tomorrow (Saturday) at the old Legion Hall downtown. Doors open at 6 p.m. with cards being dealt starting at 7. For tickets call 707-344-7651 or just show up…  We always play (see small stack of chips in front of me third from the right) and you should too! It’s only $75 and comes with a tri-tip sandwiches, no host bar and a relaxed evening playing a casual game… and all for a great cause, with prizes for the final table! If you’ve never played in one of these before come on down. All the proceeds go right back into the community through the Lions club’s different charity support efforts.

 

POTUS; One Tough Dude…!

          Can you imagine winning an election that the media of the entire world said you would lose? Then immediately get hit with the incredulous charge that the Russians of all people had something to do with the American people selecting you as their choice… then the Demoncrats started a mass media smear campaign from day one. They put enough pressure on a few of his staff members that several folded and could no longer follow their leader?  Wednesday he nailed NBC again for documented “fake News” and has pretty much told the entire mass media sans One America News network to kiss his butt and has called them on many of the pure B.S. Stories they’ve run…He runs his own media communications through the electronic media Twitter and it pisses off the big guys so bad they could… Could do what that they already haven’t done? Screw them.

Guts, cjones, and a keen sense of right and wrong… Did we make the right choice or what? Could you see Barry or Hilary standing up to all of this… yeah, right. Fake new, made up scandals and a string of horribly fake media attempts to discredit this man who is keeping all of these wienies alive.

                        This is where it gets interesting… Start with the Demoncrats NFL owners that fabricated a hassle out of our POTUS standing up for our flag, our Vets, and our people while the multi zillionaires kneel to protest problems they refuse to do anything about except whine, and protest, and bad mouth our POTUS… WTF? I know the Demoncrats have a lot of money and are backed by a lot of gullible people buying the bull they sling, owning the mass media and all… But how the hell did they arrange for a hurricane to hit Texas, then another to hit Florida and then still another to level Puerto Rico testing the mettle of even this our strongest man, his party and our government.

Then the Demoncrats pounced on the biggest mass murder in US history (right in the middle of all of this and said he should have been in Las Vegas, Puerto Rico and Florida all at the same time… (Give me a friggin break… he’s only on man.) and in the midst of all of this their puppet Mayor of Puerto Rico cries to grab worldwide headlines bad mouthing the POTUS while she sits on her ass whining about the USA, all-the-while our country is spending billions and sending thousands to bail them out of their ill constructed collapsed buildings while trucks, filled trailers and supplies sat on their docks because their truck drivers wouldn’t/couldn’t deliver the needed supplies we sent.. and she continued to bad mouth our POTUS until… in his admirable style, as much as told her to shut up, get up and get HER people working to help HER people fix HER country because our people were there in mass with billions of our tax dollars trying to help bail them out…You gotta love this guy… Yeah, almost forgot about Kim Dopey Dung and his North Korean threats to nuke us… How can one man, the POTUS, cope with all of this and stay as strong as he is? Could you see Obama or Clinton try to weather these storms without folding like a deck of cards and giving in to everyone’s demands and playing patty cake with the Korean nut job.

Notice Kim Dopey Dung has cut out a lot of his crap because he knows we have a man in charge that will turn his entire worthless nation into burnt toast with the slightest provocation… and do this with the support of our entire country and the entire world…You ever thought you’d like to be president? Well, think again. His “bring it bitch” attitude is what has kept the Korean idiotic leader in check…so far. If one of his missiles heads our way his fanatical poverty stricken people will have no more starvation, disease or other problems to worry about… and it would be no big loss.

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

Friday was the Dixon High School “Homecoming” football game. I have shot these games, off and on, for newspapers since the 60’s and a lot has changed but a lot has stayed the same. I had the camera ready and was set to photograph anyone doing anything other than showing respect for our national anthem and flag. To my surprise and pride BOTH teams and all coaches stood at attention,  hats and helmets off and hands over their hearts showing the proper respect. It made me feel both good and proud of these young men who are apparently being raised correctly.

To get good sports pictures you have to stay ahead of the action and anticipate where the action will take place. You have to be on the move constantly and I’ve wondered for year just how far I walked in a night covering two games. The answer last week was: 1.9 miles or 5,263 steps… (See more photos on page_6 of newspaper). Two photos are worthy of space here too. One made be proud to be from Dixon and the other was a great prank pulled off by the senior girls in response to the senior boys “streaking” during the girl’s powderpuff game a few days before. The Girls, between quarters in various forms of undress (like swimwear, etc.) and without school knowledge “streaked” the whole field in a matter of seconds to the delight and surprise of the crowd. The publisher wouldn’t include it in the overall game photos so here it is:

Saturday was the 17th annual “Scottish Games held in Dixon at the Mayfair Grounds. If you missed this on make sure to mark your calendar for next year as a thing you want to do. Thanks in large part to Bill and Sandy Scott this year’s event was one of the best ever. They had to take over when their head guy got into a head-on collision and dropped out of the planning cycle. The Scot’s pulled it off in style and hundreds enjoyed the day’s events and vendors. From bagpipes to a women’s college rugby tournament and the Scottish games themselves everyone seemed to have a great time.

More Things For Thought

 

*All I want is for my kids to have good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny… they just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

*I asked my copilot if “d73h” meant anything to him… because I just spotted some guy on a beach and it seems quite important to him.

*I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react to seeing a baby… it makes me want another one of my own.

*”They say that some of the greatest historical minds could function on very little sleep”… I remarked to the raccoon in the yard as I sprayed water on the car at 4am.

*The aging tom Cruise breaks an ankle doing all his own terrifying stunts… I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper.

*Whoever named our most lethal weapons “missiles” wasn’t very optimistic.

*Went out to buy a new bed.  Found one that looked good.  The wife remarked, “Solid, substantial, who makes it?”… Sales guy replied, “Well, I would assume whoever gets up last.”

*It’s always considerate to tell someone during a natural disaster to “stay safe”…….just in case they didn’t know.

*What I really love about air fresheners is how they make your bathroom smell… like someone just pooped in your rose garden.

*”The soft gentle snowflakes rapidly swirl in the moonlit night sky”…..reminds me of the time my mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck across the house at dad for taking her youth.

*The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I’ve paid extra for shipping.

*Me as a Sunday school teacher… “And then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so the soldiers who died in battle would have eternal life”.

*”You made your bed, now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like much of a punishment to me, I love a freshly made bed… and other 5am thoughts.

*Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

*It’s not considered harmless “people watching”… if you do it thru their bedroom window with your nose pressed to the glass, apparently.

*I caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog so his mom said I could yell at him anytime I like… had a bad day so I think I’ll go see if he’s home.

*When facing a natural disaster fill your pockets with wieners… that way the search dogs will find you first.

*I think I’m in pretty good shape for a middle aged man who believes the multi-vitamin I take each morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

*Tommy Lee Jones has the oddest facial expression… he always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

*On HGTV: she’s a specialist in macaroni art.  He creates pictures of Jesus on toast… “Our budget is 1.2 million”.

*I remember years ago taking a walk with my mother and stepping on a crack.  Then a loud, piercing woman’s scream from a distance… mom said, “I guess it’s time to tell you you’re adopted.”

*Missing cat! Answers to the name “chancellor parsons”… which is really aggravating because we named him Phil.

*Immortal aliens were studying us… ‘After about 80 years, give or take, they enter a larval stage and lay dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.’

*Sex is a lot like twin peaks… I’m not exactly sure what’s going on but I like it.

*If by “prepped for Irma” you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out? Then yes, I’m prepped for Irma.

*Had a good time at the 50th high school reunion last night… also returned the book I still had “how to stop procrastinating”.

*Dating is simply the act of collecting information about a person… until you know enough to know you don’t like them.

*What do you call the soft tissue that you find in between a sharks teeth… the slowest swimmer?

*What wine goes well with two insufferable teenagers, an oppressive boss, and insurmountable credit card debt?

*I got fired from my job as a diesel fitter in a women’s panties factory… we would hold the panties up, inspect them and say “dese’ll fit her!”

 

 

 

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October 1st 2017
That’s Life©1966 #696 (9-29-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 695 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

NFL-NBA Can Stuff Themselves

On Friday, President Donald Trump criticized players who protest by failing to stand for the national anthem, causing players, coaches and owners around the NFL to “take a stand”.  You half a dozen or so regular readers thought I might have something to say about this little debate didn’t you. So, not to disappoint… and to say what you can only think

The POTUS said: “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, say: “Get that son of a bitch off the field right now,” Trump said, “Out. He’s fired. He’s fired,” Trump said as he stood in front of a giant American flag at a campaign rally for Alabama senator Luther Strange. You know he’s right and most level headed Americans agree with him… folks are just plain fed up. All current military and vets, and many in law enforcement and their relatives agree with him too… I certainly do.

“Free speech”? These yahoos have it and so do I/we. Screw them and their protests. We, the weak and penny less by comparison, have some strength by numbers in the marketplace and they need to be reminded in the strongest terms, that, in reality, it is US who pay their incredible out-of-whack salaries.

If you are active military, or a veteran (American Legion or VFW especially)  you have to seriously reconsider adding to the wealth of any player, team or sponsor by buying a ticket or products of anyone, or team that condones disrespect for this country or our flag.

These pompous, overpaid ego maniacs seem to think they are making some kind of a statement, instead they are showing their true colors. They make millions a year and cry about injustice but how many have ever served our country and put the U.S. above themselves? The answer…very few.

With the combined wealth that exceeds many smaller impoverished countries’ total budgets they cry, wanting even more and giving less. With the hundreds of millions made by the NFL and NBA players they could all contribute and have a huge fund dedicated to helping solve the problems that they all see all of a sudden. Lame brained LeBron James, an oversized mutant with a game point average higher than his IQ, called the POTUS a “bum”…  some icon huh?   Other NBA fools joined the “bandwagon” of  “oppressed” multi millionaires…  Steph Curry really hurt the POTUS by not going to the white house, why? Because it’s “white”? He should stick to three pointers for which he “earns” like $10,000 a basket.  Poor Curry NOW wants to become political. Kids, don’t idolize him anymore… just take his route (hard work and dedication) to make the big bucks he earns… This group, many of whom got a free ride from this country since birth have the gall to speak poorly of it. All white players for the most part seem to appreciate this country because they had to work harder, mostly on their own for their success. You don’t see many of them taking part in this nonsense. This country, the demented seem to detest so much, either gave them, or made it possible for them to have what they have…many got a free government ride from the get-go (grants and scholarships) ride to the pros… Not many went through school on academic scholarships. Apparently repeated blows to the helmet have blurred their memories.

If the NBA and NFL owners want to get political the POTUS should accommodate their wishes to help the masses and pass a special franchise tax and tax the owners, stockholders and players to the max and put those funds into a special “help to the minority whoever/wwhatever fund”. Boy you’d hear the players scream then… I guarantee you. “You want us to pay for this stuff?”

College players who follow this dimwitted lead should lose all federal funding and scholarships.  High school students following their idol’s lead could make themselves exempt from federal grants and scholarships. There has to be a downside to crossing the “free speech line’ over to anarchy where the inmates run the institutions (like the UC system)

Many only got through life and school with our government’s funds and grants and few have put their money where their big mouths are when it comes to solving social problems…But NO, it’s easier to take swipes at the POTUS for saying what the vast majority think…  Stand up, show some pride or get the hell out.

There is no other place on earth these spoiled ingrates could have gotten to where they are now. They would be digging ditches or some such job wishing they could come to this great country… Instead what do they do? They bad mouth and bite the hand that has fed them since birth… I’d love to see the POTUS levy heavy penalties against all pro sports owners who allow and condone disrespect towards our country. Raise their taxes and that of the babied, spoiled roles models for our youth… I’ve even seen where the disrespect they are spewing had quickly filtered down to high school and some high school schmuck in Sacramento actually encouraged his players to do the same crap. They should pay somehow. The school board there needs to be recalled and real Americans put in their place…FREE speech? There is nothing free about it. Millions have given much to preserve the right of these idiots to mouth off and bite the hand that has fed them since birth.

How about making these zillionaires put some of their big bucks where their mouths are. Put a special tax on those who make over $5, 10, 15, 25million and setup programs to help fight whatever injustices they seem to think they know so much about. It’s disheartening to see these mentality defunct star athletics as role models for our children. But they have the money, cars, women and bling that youngsters admire and somehow equate that to these super egos also have a super-sized brain… when a lot of them may have gotten out of high school and/or college barely able to read and write… most however, are smart enough to get business agents because they know they aren’t the brightest bulb on the tree.

Don’t buy NFL/NBA game tickets, shirts or trinkets and boycott any and all of their sponsors and let them know why… I know it probably won’t make a big difference, but in some small way we can protest these Mensa men’s lack of respect our own way!

A couple of stellar exceptions have come to the forefront like: Drew Brees: “Respecting The Flag is More Important than Making a Point “I will always believe that we should be standing and showing respect to our flag.” Fighting against racism does not mean failing to treat the American flag with respect, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees said Sunday.

After the New Orleans Saints defeated the Carolina Panthers, what happened on during the game took second place to the growing furor over protests that occurred during the playing of the national anthem.

Crowd erupts in boos as owner and coward Jerry Jones and entire Dallas Cowboys (used to be “America’s Team, now just shameful punk ingrates) team kneel live on Monday Night Football “to pray.” (B.S. —praying they won’t lose revenue from this spectacle)

Football fans across America were clamoring for the jersey of Pittsburgh Steelers offensive tackle Alejandro Villanueva (U.S. Army Vet) on Monday, a day after the former Army Ranger broke team orders by being the only player to come out of the locker room for the national anthem.

 

What Did You Do Last Weekend?

 

Some folks don’t know I’m also Outdoor Editor of the IV so I have to stick in some outdoor stuff every now and then. This past week our fishing family split with our eldest son, Trey, and his daughter Shannon, 13, an eighth grader at C. A Jacobs went to the bay where she landed a big 51 inch leopard shark, and a seven gill, plus many others… It was the largest leopard that boat had ever caught there. You can see by the photo where this good eating  fish gets its name.

            On the delta side of the Bay Fred Vanderwold and I went to check out the salmon run (which hasn’t arrived yet) and instead had to settle for Black Bass and Strippers. Strippers are just starting to appear and the black bass are getting healthier and heavier preparing for winter.  Both of these trips were within like an hour or so of home. Where else do you have so many options, for so many things, so close to home? That’s not even mentioning upland game and birds plus deer seasons opening… So much to do… so little time. Duck/goose season is right around the corner and Hastings Island has already opened for pheasants… what to do, woe is me, what to do?

More Things For Thought

*I’m obviously getting older.  I just forgot the word ‘menu’… so I asked for a ‘map of the food’.

*”Guys, if you pass on the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “shake it off” to other fellas standing at the urinals… you might as well just use the stall.

*Rachel ray is now marketing cat food made from real beef… just like the cows my damn cat would eat in the wild.

*I hate it when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight… and they’re already unbuttoned.

*I’ve reached the age where I have to do all manner of isometric exercises and other stuff… just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

*I’m positive I heard an audible gasp from my car… as I drove past the liquor store.

*We fully expect that one day the mailman or the UPS guy will murder our entire family… and the dog’s only comment will be “ha! Who needs to quit yapping and lay down now?”

*People overcome adversity all the time.  For instance Beethoven… they told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

*The mailman told me he was off to vacation in Spain.  So I asked if he was going to ‘parcelona’… the key to a good mailman joke is the delivery!

*Asking the judge if he goes commando under his robes is almost a surefire way to get out of jury duty.

*Amazon has always apparently been problematic… in the 1920’s it was piranha, in the 1990’s it was the loss of the rain forest, and now?  It’s always the wrong size.

*It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie have the same name… my screenplay, “twelve guys named mike” will address this.

*For the record… laughter does absolutely nothing to relieve diarrhea.

*On the fourth of July it’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers in the air… don’t ruin it with talk about ‘calorie counts’ and ‘hair on fire’!

*I read that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden… how in hell will I know when it’s raining in Sweden?  

*I was shocked to learn as an adult that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on peanut butter cookies wasn’t a family secret!

*I love that old revolutionary war saying about shower sex, “don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

*Automatic doors don’t work when you’re running full speed……I know that now.

*When you drive around UCD be careful to look out for bikes… sometimes they’re not chained up and you can just pull over and take them.

*As a kid I informed my mother that FBI was not really an acronym but rather an ‘initialism’, because you can’t pronounce it as a word………she replied, “This is why you have no friends.”

*Someone just told my sister-in-law to dim the lights… and called it a beauty tip.

*I’m so tired of all these credit card payment machines telling me to “remove card rapidly”…  I’m developing a new machine for people who desire to remove their card at a chiller pace.

*Call me old fashioned but I never cry in front of another man… unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket.

*I resent the fact that everyone tries to belittle me by focusing on my manners and saying that I must have been raised by a pack of wolves……but you should see me take down a caribou.

*For sale:  newly renovated 4 bedrooms, 3 bath home.  Great attention to detail. Beautifully done… spider on ceiling.

*”Are you left-handed?”… people who see me writing with my left hand apparently curious if I’m just doing it for show.

*Hg TV has a new show about a contractor and his ever-present dog who buys cheap properties, renovates them, and flips them for big bucks……they’ve titled it ‘fixer pupper’.

*They were kissing on a small love seat. She says, “we should have threes…”  He jumps in:” I’ll call Karen”!  She continues, “….three seater.  Who’s Karen…”I believe she sells furniture”, he replied.

*”Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It’s been 23 years since my last confession… I hope you’re seated comfortably.”

*What do you call somebody with no body and no nose…nobody knows.

 

 

 

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September 23rd 2017
That’s Life©1966 #695 (9-22-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

For 694 Past columns (uncensored and on Facebook too) consecutive That’s Life columns, and features, photos go to www.tedhickman.com

 

 

It’s about time! Five Decades It Took

First of all “Magic Beans” (Magic Beano could be better) is a stupid name for a smart proposal…ignore it.

Starting in the 1960’s when I served my first elected term as a Dixon City Councilman (the youngest elected official in the state at the time…) I kept imploring the city and the powers that be (or is that beed?)  to dovetail our city’s economic growth with the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis)/or at least UCD just across the highway. I insisted then, as I do now, and have for four various elected terms, in the 60’s 70’s & 80’s that it is in Dixon’s,  and our citizen’s,  best interest to have development along or near the highway that gives us economic growth and benefits both our peoples in line with the future plans of the university. It only makes sense right? The PROD people  have their heads screwed on so crooked and even voted down a plan to have a bio-tech research center of their own, that would have given them a ‘live where you work complex’ within their precious city limits.  Tell you what egg-heads; we will be happy to have an upscale development that provides good paying professional jobs, quality housing and support businesses within our city limits… providing for future betterment of mankind… that you snobs shot down with your idiotic NIMBY attitudes… So where’s this going?

For over a year, the city has been meeting with executives from the Stronach Group (the ones who almost brought us “Dixon Downs” on the property they own across the highway (south) from Pedrick Produce.) The company is now pitching a novel concept of developing a research/development park on their property which would meld up-to-date and futuristic bio tech and research labs and support businesses into a complex which would encompass a live where you work complex (which is the way of the future with I-80 at almost a total impaction at times now, and will not to get better in the future.)

Simply stated they say they want to build a complex where bio-tech, research and development labs and other futuristic business merge into a village like community where you could bike or walk to work and where you could have a self-contained community with a like-minded workforce. They would be part of our city (within the Dixon limits) linked by bus and bikes, but separate. This “innovation village” as its being called, which has been in the conceptual pre-planning stage, was presented to city officials recently to see if it would fly. In a rare joint meeting of the city council and planning commission the group was invited to start the actual permit process. This could be the start of the economic gold rush of sorts for the city in the northeast quadrant, without impacting the current lifestyles of inner city residents. It’s long overdue and the economic boost it would give the city, with little requested in return, is certainly worth pursuing through the planning and permit stage. Right now, it’s just a concept but could become a reality in a rather short period of time if everything is as it appears to be and things pan out as presented… We’ll just have to follow this and wait and see what happens. But all I can see in the future is good for our citizens should this all come to pass. The city staff is to be commended for making this idea possibility.

Oh yeah, we (the city) are about to open the application process for“cannabis dispensaries” within the city limits. We’re probably looking at least one medical dispensary and some “doobies are us joints” looking to open here. More on this later too.

I am doing this as a public service.

Please Boycott and do NOT use the $1.00, $20.00, $50.00, & $100.00 bills, as they depict slave owners on them. Please send them to me, and I will see to it that they are disposed of properly!

It’s not toughFrom the email bag.

I get between 50 and 100 emails every day that are at least worth looking at and from 100 to 200 each day that go into the spam file, plus 100’s of thousands of views on my web page. I can tell you many people are pissed… at many things, without any way of expressing their frustrations… Like: Why aren’t all looters/rioters  arrested on the spot and/or shot? During the time of a disaster looting of one’s home or business should be a capital crime.

Or: When people are told there’s a pending disaster and told to evacuate… and then they don’t go, why do we have to pay for their stupidity? Why should first responders put their lives on the line to help those who refused to help themselves?

 

“I want all of your rights for life without any responsibilities… DACA

 

Why don’t we just stand by and let your California  Mensa folks, AKA Jerry Brown, our head loonie and his UC way over paid counterpart Janet Napolitanouse our taxpayer dollars to sue our federal government? They are just trying to protect hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens from being forced to do the right thing like millions of others have had to do.

 

The DACA gang (Doing All you Can to Avoid responsibility) had all of these years to apply for citizenship and have refused, and now many, on the taxpayer dollars, are in college crying about the system that raised them …free. Free from payment, free from worry about money, housing, clothing, food and medical care. The only thing they are not free from now is the fear of deportation because they haven’t cared enough, until now, about our country to register for citizenship. Technically, their parents should be arrested and deported for smuggling illegal aliens (them) here in the first place and they now also should be given a set period to sign up or shut up. We would be whining just like them if we were one of them and we would have done the same smart thing if we were their parents…for our children… But we’re not. We’re  ones who’s left paying the never ending bill for them both… Joke’s on us huh? The free ride without responsibility has to end someday; the people that are paying their bills are frankly, just fed up.

 

I guess you heard Jerry’s great plan to drain northern California of its last drop of water has hit another snag? His $416 BILLION boondoggle is suffering a financial drought with expected federal monies drying up… Boo Hoo. None of the state’s major water districts are willing to help pay for his crazy plan to fill his friend’s (Financial backers) swimming pool and toilets in Southern Ca.  Jerry is taking heat from all sides. His absolutely crazy ideas of building twin tunnels to drain much needed water from us to send south, coupled with his other pipe dream to build a bullet train between Sac and LA are doing great except for the funding woes and backers backing out, again, boo, hoo. He doesn’t want his important legislators; carrying the votes the demos need, stuck in traffic on IS 80 like the rest of us. That’s why he wants a speed train from LA to the capitol and for us to pay for it. Both of these financial disasters now look like they will forced upon the taxpayers along with his expensive lawsuits against the our U.S. (us)  government…  Is there nothing we can do about this political nightmare?

Free speech at Bezerkley B.S.

News Flash: Rally on the quad at noon today to protest free speech being allowed during “free speech week”. The only free speech to be allowed is what us, the loudmouth minority wants to hear. If they don’t adhere to our demands, lets protest, riot and give folks another reason to loot and get TV’s and new shoes… OK?

Sanctuary cities, i.e. San Fran, Davis, and Sacramento should lose all federal funding and let the tax payers bear the burden of cost of the stupid decisions made by their elected officials who have gone against their sworn oath of office and turned traitors against the United States.  Everyone that goes against their oath to, “uphold the constitution” should be immediately removed from office for violating that oath to which they swore… We hopefully will fulfill our oaths and mandate our law enforcement officers enforce the law and uphold their oaths. To hell with the radical left now in charge of our state… What are they gonna do, sue us?

Your governor is in the same boat, took the same oath, and has now resurrected the saying, “If it’s Brown flush it”.  This “servant of the people” is going to make the whole state a sanctuary state and “order” law enforce not to do its sworn duty… The commie clown who is mayor of Sacramento is making his city a “safe place” too and you know what he has? With almost 2,000 elected city officials from throughout the state visiting last week we were treated to a wonderful site. With about a police car per street in the down town area they were vastly outnumbered by the homeless, drug addicts and derelicts laying on the streets and lurking in every alley way and dark spot. Just walking to old Sacramento from the tunnel by the Holiday Inn near dark was an experience. It was creepy and uncomfortable, I kept my hand on my hip and I was glad I wasn’t a lone woman trying to go from here to there. But their mush mouthed Mayor is planning to build hundreds of houses for his homeless, which he continues to import, creating a new slum for the 21st century… Nice going Daryl… You’re on the right track though, you and your city council agreeing to pay gang members if they don’t kill people? let us know how that works out for you will ya? Probably 1,000 people weren’t killed last week huh?  You’re already paying people not to work, not to become citizens …what’s next, paying people not to see the mess you’ve made…Pay them to stay away from Sac?

BTW… He appeared as a welcoming speaker at the huge local elected officials meeting in Sac last week and was met with a less than an enthusiastic welcome.

Who’s a gonna Nuke who? US hopefully

How about we neuter the nation?  Whenever you hear about North Korea in conjunction with the word “nuclear,” your worries likely fixate on their atomic weapons, which have apparently been miniaturized to fit onto an ICBM. This is a worry for the United States, but it may not be our biggest problem involving Pyongyang’s attempts to build up its nuclear arsenal: According to a report from a Japanese newspaper, North Korea may be on the verge of building a nuclear-powered submarine. A nuclear submarine would be much easier to operate silently for months on end, and it could present a new platform from which Pyongyang could fire ballistic missiles. The report claims that the submarine has been under construction since January with the help of Russian and Chinese engineers (of course) at the Nampo Naval Shipyard along North Korea’s western coast. Not good. Not good at al

 

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

 

No Comments »

September 16th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #695 (9-22-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

By Ted Hickman …

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

Now “bite me” has a new meaning…

It’s a seven gill shark our son Trey caught last week fishing for leopard sharks out of Matrinez.

This will be my “bite me” photo in the future and will need no words. It sums it up rather well don’t you think?

 

Why I’ve Enjoyed Being a Reporter

 Reporters are generally interesting people to know because if they have been at it for a while they know a little about a whole lot of things. Over the past five decades I’ve asked myself things like: I wonder what it’s like to jump out of an airplane, did a story on it and found out. How about, how do they top the trees so neatly in all of the orchards? Went out and found out, etc. The latest “I wonder” was, “I wonder how they tear down an overpass?” Last Saturday night from about midnight to about 2:30 in the morning I got a front row seat, in a surreal setting, to see how they do it, up close and personal.

As a reporter folks are glad to share information, insights and opinion on just about any topic. With Cal Trans folks helping I witnessed, at times an eerie, strange, and almost unreal scene that gravitated from looking like Tonka toys at work to like being in a giant robot, or a Transformer movie on a strange planet. Between the cement dust and various lighting it was both pretty cool and weird at times.

Picture # 1 shows the beginning of the end of the Midway overpass.

Picture #2 Shows the five huge jack hammer machines; two on each side and one on top, punching holes in the structure to weaken it.

Picture #3 Shows the gutted, weakened structure, from one side

Picture #4 shows the weakened structure starting to collapse.

Picture # 5 The same view the daylight from the same general area; look ma, no overpass!

 

911 NEVER FORGET WHO DID IT!

Or in your own language…

You Can’t Cure Stupid or Fix Dangerous minds without resolve!

 

            I told you recently of the airheaded folks from the PROD (People’s Republic of Davis) saying, “aw shucks, it’s alright, we forgive you” to the neo-Nazi radical, terrorist, Muslim preacher spewing his anti-Semitic crap with no restraint… All of you non-Jewish folks have to understand that Jesus, being a Jew and a Rabbi would have been killed in an instant by the Muslims. That after the Jews, just like Hitler before, these despicable clowns will come for the nuns, priests and then just regular Christians … all of which are “non-believers and infidels who deserve death. So what did this terrorist from Egypt really say in Davis, exactly? I’ll tell you some of his sermon he gave to his Davis followers, and the dumbass then proudly put it on U-Tube.

The wiser Davis Muslim nest pulled it rather quickly but left a video of the 30 year-old smirking/smiling Egyptian born preacher of hate teaching his UC Davis class on Muslim marriages.  We are paying this clown to teach?  That’s a tough class to teach: Your husband owns you, he can do anything, you can do nothing, disobey and he has the right to kill you. Class dismissed. Oh, yeah Davisittes, being stoned in Muslim language doesn’t mean smoking a joint. It means they use the old school method of throwing rocks at you until you die… Be proud PROD.

Anyway, this schmuck prayed to his youthful gathering for Allah to liberate the “Al Aqsa Mosque” from the filth of the Jews and to annihilate them down to the very last one. Do not spare any of them.” “That’s a call for killing Jews everywhere,” not only Israel.” (Sounds like good advice to follow concerning him and his kind doesn’t it?) If any of his students this year follow his “teachings of hate” as the Imam, Ammar Shahan, of the Muslim sect, would have it, would anyone be surprised?  And will this piece of crap, Imam Ammar Shahan, be held responsible? I doubt it, it’s the PROD remember. If you see this dress wearing, Santa Hatted, clown on the street spit on him or offer   him a BLT which I’ll pay for.

The Davis mosque, located right across the street from the UC Campus, is apparently a nest for breeding hate and recruiting like-minded zealots. Shouldn’t the JDL, FBI ICE and homeland security send this terrorists back to the sand from whence he came? What else has this jerk said or done that he didn’t put out there for the world to see. I think his Visa, if he even has one, needs to be pulled and he needs to be deported back to his beloved homeland where he can spew his crap without interference… Only to fear the Israeli’s and the Masad: WAIT… he can do that tight in the PROD so why leave? I wonder what would happen if a Jewish or Christian group made an anti-Muslim broadcast or warned their followers of the cancer called Muslim infiltrating and infecting our country and said, “Hey, let’s kill them all they are the scum of the earth.” They’d probably be driven out of Davis in a Prius.

I am sending this to our congressman asking for his help with this jerk and his followers… They belong in their homeland spewing hate there, not here. Free speech is one thing. Every American, every veteran and every infidel (like me) needs to watch this Nazi clown and object to him and his kind even being in our midst… don’t make him/ them welcome… Just advise them to take themselves and their hatred back from to whatever third world crap hole from whence they came… If you don’t like this piece or are offended by what I’ve written you can join the Muslim brotherhood, I hear they’re openingly recruiting in Davis… Tune in next week and I’ll tell you what I really think.

The middle bar on the photo below doesn’t is just like the brain of a Davis’ Muslim… it doesn’t exist

 

More Things For Thought

*Recently a job interviewer asked me “what can you tell me about the last three years of your life?”…I replied, “just that I hope they haven’t started yet.”

*My soulmate is out there somewhere, I just know it… pushing a ‘pull’ door.

*My wife’s odd friend had a pet turkey which recently died. She wanted to take her something and asked what I would suggest… apparently “how about some gravy packets?” was the wrong thing to say.

*Prius and smart car owners in my neighborhood have gotten together and banned leaf blowers… for safety reasons.

*I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter……’Because I may have thrown out about a billion dollars’ worth of his work.

*When women get to a certain age they began to collect cats… this is known as the ‘many paws’.

*I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well… and I feel I need to impress her with my balloon animal skills.

*If I was a giraffe I think I’d get a neck tattoo of the empire state building.

*Many years ago a respected someone said a wine had an “okay” flavor… this was misunderstood to be an “oaky” flavor and hence the insistence on oak wine barrels.

*As I look back on things I realize my financial health took a real turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

*Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence… second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

*When a man says he’d do anything for a woman he means stop bullets or kill a dragon…not clean out the garage or wash dishes.

*I hate it when people accuse me of lolly-gagging…….when it’s really pretty obvious I’m dilly-dallying.

*Now I totally get why women are so attracted to men who ride motorcycles… you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a helluva lot.

*I walked past our aquarium and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic park… now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

*I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apesh** when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

*”I think all this chlorine is healing my anal fissure”… things not too say in the swimming pool.

*Twerk: to dance using predominately your butt, usually sexually… or where people in Oklahoma go Monday thru Friday, 9-5. (For Larry and Lacy)

*Hiking in a national park is a great activity where you spend hours driving to a beautiful place… just to walk miles staring at the ground so you don’t fall and break something.

*I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper… not by a long shot.

*I met the cutest girl today… her eyes were gentle, like the light from an iPhone screen.  And her smile glowed, like the light from an iPhone screen.

*You know the crap is getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game!

*When it comes to Trump vs. the Pope do you support the guy that wears that ridiculous thing on his head…..or the pope?

*I avoid being photographed at public events… I don’t need some schmuck pointing at a picture and saying “that’s him!”

*The postman left me a note saying that my package was too large… my wife disagrees.

*The wife’s afraid someone might steal her clothes… so much so that when I came home unexpectedly early I found she’d hired a guard and stationed him just inside our closet.

*The other day my granddaughter asked me “grampa, who picks up the Seeing Eye dogs poop?”

*Adrenaline does crazy things to the human body.  I saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy… so I went to the gym.

*They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name… ‘flavored nut water’…..was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason.

*I told the wife “I hate when the damn cat just stands there, absolutely still, like she’s frozen!  Why does she do that?”… she replied, “She’s on paws.”

No Comments »

September 8th 2017
That’s Life©1966 #693 (9-8-17)*

Posted under That's Life Columns

Feel Free to Email: Tedhick@gmail.com

LAST WARNING

 

            I’ve been telling you about this for months and if you travel I.S. 80 (West) or come back home (East) you better be aware the (Midway. Overpass) or in Cal Trans speak, “MIDWAY BRIDGE TO CLOSE FOR DEMOLITION AND REBUILD-Starting September 6,” 2017 Caltrans will completely CLOSE the Midway Bridge starting the morning of Wednesday, September 6, 2017 in preparation of its demolition and rebuild. The Midway Bridge will remain CLOSED until construction of the new Midway Bridge is completed as early as spring 2018.

80 Full Highway Closure-Overnight September 9, 2017 during the demolition of the Midway Road Bridge starting the night of Saturday, September 9, 2017 until the morning of Sunday, September 10, 2017, eastbound and westbound I-80 will be closed overnight at Midway Road. A short detour onto frontage roads near the bridge will be in effect. Caltrans will release additional information as more detailed dates and times are available.

In English: They’re going to blow the sucker up Saturday night and the highway will be closed in both directions from Saturday night through Sunday morning. MIDWAY ROAD BRIDGE LONG-TERM-CLOSURE-DETOUR ROUTES During construction of the new Midway Road Bridge, the Meridian Road Bridge above I-80 and just west of the Midway Road Bridge will remain OPEN and serve as a general detour. The DETOUR South of Midway Road Bridge to North of Midway Road Bridge during Midway Bridge closure Midway Rd Midway Rd SACRAMENTO VALLEY NATIONAL CEMETERY VACAVILLE Weber Rd N Meridian…

… Just be aware and watch for flag persons and detour signs… Just know it’s happening this weekend, with zillions bikers headed to the fairgrounds on Saturday… Oh my.

I am doing this as a public service.

Please Boycott and do NOT use the $1.00, $20.00, $50.00, & $100.00 bills, as they depict slave owners on them. Please send them to me, and I will see to it that they are disposed of properly!

 

Temps Drop Fish Bite!

 

Over the holiday weekend we went to Bass Pro up in Rocklin on Saturday and picked up a couple of new lures. Monday we joined a host of other boats in the delta leaving the Dixon Boat Club about 8 am. The tides were good and there were no winds… then. Family friend, Fred Vanderwold, joined me and our 13-year old granddaughter, Shannon Hickman, fishing for black bass. We caught about 20. Shannon caught her first limit (of 5) not letting the stiff wind that came up (see photo) deter from using her new crankbait to limit out. The ride back in the tide plus strong wind made it a little choppy but she and the fish didn’t mind. Neat thing was, two hours after we got back to the dock we were at her house where father, Trey, had prepared the catch into fish tacos. Kind of cool. Two hours earlier they were swimming and now they were a fresh fish dinner.

 

The center beams will disappear when you look left to right

 

Today’s Sports Suck

Sports: Why I quit watching most of them on TV.  We’ve had and seen the “ best there ever was” etc. now it’s: No bumping or touching in racing, don’t tackle to hard in football, don’t bean the batter in baseball, don’t draw blood in hockey, don’t say bad things in baseball or basketball, don’t acknowledge the fans in golf, quit beating on the guy when he’s out in cage fighting,… the list goes on and on we’ve allowed the creepy left to even infiltrate our sports and wuzzify everything so it’s nice..

B.S. we need to bring brutality back in all forms in all sports. Ref makes a bad call in tennis knock him off his high chair with a well-placed serve. Go get bumped in NSCAR, send the guy over the rails and then beat the crap out of him the pits, just like the old days. A guy gives a cold shot in football your teammates put him out for the season on the next play; that will learn him. You get a scratch in basketball, cry a little and then bitch slap the guy who got ya. Baseball: Empty the benches at last once a game and beat the crap out of each other; no one will get hurt cause ball players can’t fight worth a damn but the fans love it. These minor little changes would improve the fan base and give the folks paying the big bucks their money’s worth… And trust me it’s either that or watch all sports become non- contact knitting derby’s where only the lamer will watch the lame compete!

 

  1. Pro Football: is filled with dainty multi-millionaires who are more concerned with the self than the team. Their sissy dances and taunting has been a literal turn off to me and millions of others. But the networks continue to show it because some nitwit there apparently thinks it’s cool.
  2. NSCAR: After watching thousands of left turn, left turn, fender benders and pouting drivers and restrictor plates, speed limits in and out of the pits, no bumping, no this and no that 400 and 500 mile races have to be broken down in segments because the new drivers don’t have what it takes… and yellow flag rest stops during the race WTF?.. The hell with them. It used to be good old boys; now they are just pretty boys, who are just high priced patsies for owners and sponsors… With Dale Junior going and Jeff Gordon gone, there goes the sport… Only Danica is a breath of fresh air and a driver worth following.
  3. Pro baseball, boring… Little World Series much better ball and more entertaining, except for the occasional brawls in the pros.
  4. Pro Basketball: Seven foot giants with no ball handling skills slam dunking, because they can. Dribbling steps, basic rules and actual skills no longer matter. Only Stephen Curry has breathed fresh air into a stale sport of multi-millionaires, who make way too much money, for the seconds they play the game each time… And who pays for that?
  5. Bowling, golf, tennis, soccer, men’s beach volleyball and track… who really cares? Boring at best. Want to spice things up? We need fist fights in all of those along with club throwing in golf and attacking the ref in tennis.
  6. Soccer… Most of the time I only watch to see the ref’s in action… the most boring sport next to baseball and cricket even if you understand the finesse of the games. A no hitter and a nil-nil score are just plain painful.
  7. The exception: Summer and winter Olympics are still the great things to watch because they have guns and bows and arrows and killer crashes on the slopes and ice rinks and bike and skating races.
  8. Summation: My generation is spoiled because we were able to watch truly great athletes in all of the major sports…Michael Jorden, Larry Byrd, and Magic Johnson, ring a bell? Wayne Gretkzy probably the all-time greatest hockey player ever, Mohamed Ali, simply the greatest boxer ever, Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods were the best and even played together, they made golf an art form. How about Hank Aaron, Barry Bonds, and the Giants setting a record winning the world series and now the worst team with the worst and most embarrassing  record in baseball. Dale Earnhardt in NACAR, Billie Jean and the sisters in tennis, Mark Spitz in swimming… Joe Willie Namath, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, The list goes on-and-on of the highest caliber athletes the world has ever seen and probably, their likes will not be seen again… and all during our lifetimes. We’ve been lucky to see the best there’s ever been. Now were left with the dregs… over paid and prissy, but that’s all you’ve got so deal with it or tune out… which is what I’m doing.

Summation: Think about it a bit and formulate your own list, in every sport for the last four or five decades, think about the greats and try to find their like today…Not going to happen. All we have left are prima donnas seeking glory, self-satisfaction and mo money, mo money, mo money… They could care less about the fans who foolishly pay exorbitant price to give football players multi-year multi million (like 25 million?) … try to get an autograph or a high five. Their private security body guards will break your (or your child’s arm).

More Things for Thought

*No, I’m still not married, grandma, but the lady in the “Popeye’s Chicken” commercials keeps calling me “honey”… so we’ll see where that goes.

*A buddy invited me to an “Open Mike Night” which sounded like fun…’til I found out it was an autopsy.

Little known fact: centipedes are the metric version of the inchworm.

GOD: I will give you my name for which you may call me thru all generations.  MOSES: no way!  GOD: Yahweh!

I think my wife may be dealing drugs… the phone rang late the other night and when I picked up the guy said “is that dope gone yet?*

*One of my son’s friends apparently has a speech issue…he keeps saying MILF instead of MILK.

*Wearing a turtleneck sweater is like being strangled by a really week guy… all day.

*I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “what’s your favorite color”, or “where is your belly button?”

*Platonic relationship: what develops when two people who were good friends grow tired of sleeping with each other?

*A guy asked me for two  $5’s and a $10 for a $20 bill.  I had a sudden flashback to a girl who wrote in my high school yearbook “never change”… so I told him no.

*If two blind people are dating…is it possible they would be “seeing each other”?

*The house needs painting, the fence requires repairs and the cars need to be waxed…I guess it’s time to convince some neighborhood kid I know karate.

*let’s all take a moment to remember the five best cakes in the world…crab, pound, pan, urinal and ‘let them eat’.

*Recently I was asked to go out by nine different women…I was in the women’s rest room.

*If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems… you need to get some different problems!

*To all the people who have lost only one shoe on the highway… how does that even happen?

*Have you noticed how some people talk louder when they drink? That’s why alcohol content is listed by volume.

On a road trip we stopped in a somewhat grungy diner.  I ordered coffee.  The wife also ordered coffee and added “make sure the cup is clean!”…..the irritated waitress returned and said “which one wanted the clean cup?”

*I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon… I’ll let you know. 

I don’t feel it’s a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both long-term emotional relationships and a stay at a mental institution.

*In the crap at home again… she sent me to the store for tampons but they were out so I got her a box of Band-Aids.

*I went to the barbershop and told the barber I wanted some ‘highlights’…….he put on a video of old haircuts he had given.

*In the Harry Potter books a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero… in real life it means you probably drink too much and lack coordination.

*I’ve been playing the ‘blame game’ with the wife….I’m losing 23,478 to 3.

*Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah Witnesses of the internet.

*If you smoke some weed prior to an eating competition are you guilty of using performance enhancing drugs?

*Don’t you hate it when you’re watching Dateline with the wife and it’s about some lady that murdered her husband… and she remarks, “I wouldn’t have gotten caught?”

*Little did I know the first time I bought a three-pack of condoms that I was apparently buying a lifetime supply?

*I will be lying there, dead, in a closed coffin at my funeral…and yet somehow I will manage to spill mustard on my shirt!

Cats use their whiskers to navigate in the dark.  I use my toes and shins…and lots of swearing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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